Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Moses Storm

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

Comedian Moses Storm feels psychotic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Moses sits down with Conan to talk about his new comedy special Trash White, being raised by grifters, performing for an audience of cars during the lockdown, and more. Later, Engineer Sam delivers Christmas presents to the team. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

My name is Moses Storm and I feel psychotic about being your friend. I don't know how to take that. I just mean that it's a dangerous story. When I tell people how we met and how much you have done for me personally in my life, it's a dangerous thing to say because I think what I have is what like stalkers are hoping for when they follow Brie Larson to her car. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking lose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I would be Conan O'Brien, always looking for a chum, no one says chum enough anymore. That's why I want to show chums. I know, but it should, really it just should come back more than it has. We don't think so. Okay.

I'm joined by one of my chums, one of my main ombres, Sonam of Sessian. Hi. How's it going? Hey, you know what? It's okay. What do you got in your mouth? I had combos. It's the pretzels with the cheddar cheese in it.

This isn't even an ad. You know the cheese and combos, and I should probably research this before I say anything. Yeah. Do you think, is that cheese that's in a combo? I don't think so. No. It's Play-Doh. Okay.

Well listen, I want to make sure that legally we're in the clear, but I just want to get it out there. I don't know what's in a combo, but I'd like some proof that it was cheese at some point. I know you want one. Well, I just want to read what's in it. This is a combo. You don't all know what a combo is, ladies and gentlemen, it's a pretzel. It looks like a vertebrae, and then in the center is a little tub, and then in the center

is a cheese-like substance. Anyway. You can put peanut butter in it. I'm Matt Gorley. I'm the producer. Gorley. In the natural order of things, it's Sona, what's inside a combo, and then you introduce Matt Gorley.

Okay. That's the natural order of things. I see. That's important. What's inside is, let's see, hydrolyzed wheat-gluten natural flavor coloring, yellow five lake, yellow six lake, blue one lake. Those are kinds of dyes. Lake.

Yeah. L-A-K-E, lactic acid, citric acid, lactose-sodium-casinate, so yeah, that's cheese. Oh. Oh my God. That's very soft. That's very soft cheese. Yeah. This is an award-winning podcast.

Is it? Is it, though? We did that. It is, technically. I didn't say it was merited. That's a combo. And you know what? That's not bad.

We are not getting any money from the makers of combo. I don't even know who they are. Stop crinkling the package. We're trying to... I'm trying to figure out who makes combos, and they might be their own thing. That's very cool. Oh, you think it's just a factory somewhere that says combo? Yeah.

No, they've got to be owned by some massive concern. It doesn't say anything. Today's guest is a frequent... Hold on a second. I freaking love combos. Yeah. Hold on a second. Why are we making this all about combos?

Look at how random things are. Just because you came in here munching on combos. Yeah. We're talking about combos. This is all scripted. Yeah, this is... You can tell. It's just...

People listening are like, this is too funny. No, it's not funny at all. It's awful. This is... What an awful opening. You're going to have another combo. I know that. No, no, no.

I'm looking at it. I'm trying to see you're right. It doesn't say Nestle on it. No, it doesn't. It doesn't say... Yeah. Freewheeling combos. Oh, God, please.

By themselves. They're autonomous. Shoot. It's by the makers of Chevrolet. Jesus. I used to eat these a lot when I would get high. This might be too awful an opening. I think this opening sucks.

Let's do another one. Are you being serious? Sure. Why? I think the bad ones are also still fun. I also... I think you're underestimating the popularity of combos. I think people are going to really love this.

Matt. I think you're overestimating the other segments we do on this show that you might compare this to. Okay. Well, I maintain this feels terrible to me. Okay. Now, look, I like combos. I have nothing against combos.

But all we've done is talk about combos. And now I feel like I'm in almost a whirlpool where I keep seeing combo. I can't stop talking about it. Because you've introduced it. Listen, I didn't mean to deride that snack and question whether it's real cheese on the inside. I think that was rash on my part. Yes.

But I'm certain that's not cheese. Well, at least we got to the bottom of something. Is everything you eat real? Oh, come on. Come on. No, it's not. Well, Sona, I do hope you're eating healthy now that you're a mom. You're still...

You're breastfeeding. That's not too personal, is it? It's not. I pumped before we started recording. Right. So whatever you eat goes to the twins. It does. So if you're eating a combo and it's filled with lacting,

guiatholate, number five, dye, number seven, that's going to your twins, Mikey and Charlie. Yeah, it is. And then you wonder, why do they glow at night? Why are they so easy to see in the fog? I mean, is everything that I'm going to eat going to be healthy? It's got to be. Yes. Come on.

You are feeding these lovely little twins. They're six months old. And you're creating the... You're providing the building blocks. I know. I can't eat. I love them, but I can't eat healthy for them. You eat pretty healthy.

I need a snack every once in a while. Everyone does. That's not the problem. But most of the time, aren't you eating healthy stuff? I am, actually. Yeah. Okay. What's the worst thing you were going to eat today besides the combos?

McDonald's. Oh, my Lord. Wow. Really? Every once in a while, I need it. Do you get the shakes? Again, that would happen when I would get high back in the day, either McDonald's or Taco Bell, and it would be like two in the morning.

And I'd be like, I got to get a burger. Do you remember before the live show, Sona, we had time to kill and you went, I'm going to McDonald's. What do you want? And you just went on a McDonald's mission. I did. I know. Do you think...

What? Taco Bell will ever just come out with an ad that says, Taco Bell, it's the best when you're high. Would they ever do that? They should. They should, right? Yeah. It is.

Is it? Once I went to Taco Bell and I was like, I want 50 tacos. And they didn't even... They were just like, okay, do you need hot sauce? I don't know if I've mentioned it. I feel like I have, but I just... I've never heard this before. So yeah, my friends and I, we were high.

We went to the Taco Bell. We're like, we have 50 tacos. And we were like, oh my God, it's going to take hours for them to make it. They did not at all react. They were like, sure, no problem. What kind of hot sauce do you want? And we're like, this hot sauce, whatever. And then we got to the window and they handed us a carton made for high people

that had 50 tacos in it. Right. So at some corporate level, they've accepted that a huge number of the people going to Taco Bell are high and that they will cater to them. They just can't say it in their advertising. Yeah. It's like those shower massagers that are clearly not for anything other than really massaging.

You know what I'm saying? No, I don't know what you're saying. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Come on. What have you used your shower massagers for? I don't have one. I'm just saying they're sold in like a CVS with the kind of like bulbous end.

And it's like, oh, yeah, relax your muscles in the shower. But what we really know is going on there. No, you're talking about. No idea. What are you talking about? No idea. You probably look at everything like that. You're like, oh, we all know what those traffic cones are really for.

Well, come on, look at the microphones we're talking into. We know it's really going on here. You look at everything that way. Oh, look at that weather stripping. Oh, boy. Don't get me started. I could have a good time with that. I don't want to tube in you.

I'm going to say that a iconic actress, I was once having a party at my home. An iconic actress was there. I cannot say the name, but an iconic superstar actress was there. And she asked us quick for a quick tour of the house. And I was showing her the house and then I showed her my wife's closet. And there was some a bunch of shoes on the, you know, on like a rack. And she went, oh, with these shoes. I bet you and your wife have a pretty good time with these high heels.

Oh my God. To this day, I don't know what she's talking about. Oh my God. I don't know. Does she mean I'm wearing them and she's wearing, or am I taking the heel of a shoe and shoving it into my. No. What am I doing?

Stop. Don't even finish whatever you're about to say. Well, I don't know what she meant. She meant she wears them and then she's like sexy time for you. No, she meant the two of us doing something with the shoes. And it meant both of us. Oh. And I cannot name the actress.

I just can't. Can you mouth it? You will after. I know. Cause then you're going to say, oh, he just mouth sally fields. And we all know. Is that who it was? No, it was not.

But I gave, I sure had you going there for a second. It was not, but everything I've told you was true. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. That actress says how to heal shoved up her vagina for sure. Don't tip for starters. I'm sorry. You guys are being subtle. I'm saying it as it is.

It's that's, is that what you meant? I don't mean anything. Gorley's the one that can look at anything and immediately see an erotic adventure. By the way, can I see one of those combos? I'm getting turned on. Yeah. Yeah. Gorley sees a combo and he's like, oh yeah.

Hello. They say it's a pretzel snack with cheese in it, but we all know what it's really for. Later. I run a section of the dark web that gives the real purposes for an everyday thing. I hear moaning from Gorley's office. I kick the door down. He's in there with combos all over his nipples. It's not even real cheese.

The rap site came up right as you said that. He wants to wrap it up. Guys, guys, guys. We have a lot of show today. A lot of shows. So let's just stick with that mental image. Gorley having explosive orgasms covered in pretzel combos. You're kidding.

That's just, you've gone too far. Or not far enough. All right. Well, I'm very happy. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who was performed stand up on my show and he actually toured with me in 2018. We had a blast performing on the road together. He was delightfully funny every single night.

His new comedy special Trash White is available now on HBO Max. I am very happy that he's here with us today. He's a very funny guy, very talented and a good friend. Moses Storm, welcome. Let's preface this by saying I am delighted to be your friend because I will just let the crowd in. I met you a couple of years ago really at Comic Con when you did just terrific, terrific work for me.

Then I did a tour with a bunch of stand ups, young folk, whippersnappers, and you were kind enough to join me on that. Again, my favorite thing in comedy is when you find people that are really funny in a genuine creative way and have an authentic voice, but they're also very nice people. You checked every box and we had a really good time hanging out together. Then the tour was over and I remember that I had my lawyer go to you and say, that's it, you don't see Conan again. He didn't just come to me, he pulled in front of my car.

That's how we do it. It was pretty hostile. It's a blacked out, murdered out, hummer. It says Conan's lawyer on the side. Sometimes I make friends with comics, but then I want them to know and talented people, look, that's it, it's over now, you're not to make eye contact with him again. They're like, what was that? You were rattled, but you finally could know.

I was rattled because it was so tinted that the driver, he couldn't even see out the windshield. He had to put his head out because it was double tinted. Also, it made me realize I don't really need a lawyer in there. It just needs to be a hummer that says Conan's lawyer and then the guy can just be intimidating. No, we got along so well, and of course, you became one of the favorites. You were on my late night show a bunch, and then we were very excited because we said, hey, let's produce a comedy special with Moses that you wrote and co-directed.

I mean, you did everything. I think you built the cameras for it. Yeah, and it shows. They are all out of focus. Yeah, he ground the lenses for it. And your special, and again, I have to say this, I am involved in this special, and my team is involved in this special. It's called Trash White, and it just dropped on HBO Max.

I absolutely love it. I love the special, and so I was really glad that some of my favorite things were in there, and then there's so much in this special that I had not heard before, and it's really, really funny, and you perform it brilliantly, but at the same time, it's also completely 100% true. It is your life story, and it's complicated because I know your life story, and I find myself laughing so hard at the special, but at the same time, what you're talking about is a child being raised in abject poverty, dumpster diving for food, living in a bus,

and you talk about it without any self-pity, but you describe so well what it's like to grow up in conditions like that, and you get so many hard laughs, but at the same time, there's a lot of empathy, there's a lot of pathos. I don't know. I think it's fantastic, and I think it's of the moment. Let's get into it. Let's talk about what it was like for you to tell this story and kill. Yeah, it's really funny.

Well, one of them you are responsible for, I think the video bit from America's Funniest Home Videos was something I wasn't going to put in, or was going to cut, or sometimes documentary footage in stand-up special feels like you're cheating. You're bringing people in, what you're supposed to do on stage is build intimacy just through the spoken word, and if you show doc footage, you're kind of cheating. Yeah, that was something I debated putting in, because it's also my siblings' faces, and it's my mom's voice, and at the end of the day, it is something that's painful for me.

I've edited stuff out of that, that is, I don't think my siblings would want out there, but I think if you're watching it, you can tell what those things are. And let me quickly explain, there's a couple of things that are powerful about it. First of all, you're talking about America's Funniest Home Videos, and you taped this special a couple of months ago, and you referenced Bob Saget, who just passed away shockingly, but you're not referencing him in a mean way at all, you're just referencing his show, but what you're doing, and I just want to explain to people, is you're basically showing, telling the story of how your mother heard that you could make money if you submitted,

you could make $10,000 if you won on America's Funniest Home Videos, so she tried to manufacture one using you and your siblings, and you see, I must be 80 takes of her trying to get this thing right, and the thing is, it is one of the funnier things I've seen, and it's in the special, and you show the different takes, and you break down how your mom tried to scam America's Funniest Home Videos. The thing is, yes, your mom is trying to make money with this scam video, and she's using her children, it's so double edged, but at the same time, it is hilarious how you and your brothers and sisters are getting it wrong, and screwing up the takes because you don't

understand how to flub something on purpose, and you watch this whole thing unfold, and it's kind of brilliant, it makes me, you know, the first question I'm sure a lot of people ask you is, how's your mom feel about this being shown? Is she cool with it? Yeah, one, yes, the video was so funny that I knew it had to be in there, I was nervous about showing it, but I think talking to you on the tour, you're like, no, you have to do that, you have to do that, and lean into that, so that's why it's in the special. It takes a lot of stock in what you say, so I was like, okay, so she aggressively tried

to get us on the show, to the point where it was a job. There's other bits that I have on tape that are maybe a little more unsafe, one where her skirt is attached to a truck, and she's holding my younger sister, and then the skirt gets ripped off. Where she's faking another one? Yeah, yeah, so it's a moving car, and then yeah, but you're holding a baby, and it's a truck, but that one seemed a little too heavy, but yes, that is something I was very worried about, is that it's great for me that I could monetize my pain and transmute it

into something, but what I'm doing is I'm bringing people in that did not sign up to be performers. They don't want a public life. Sometimes my older brother will call me, not saying like, why are you doing this? Why are you sometimes sugarcoating things? Why are you not saying the harder things? At the end of the day, it's like I'm not talented enough yet as a comedian to pull those things off. Let's talk about, because I want to make sure we tell this story correctly.

Take us back, you're one of how many, it's a big family. One of five kids. Very religious parents, and for most of my life, we were in a bus. They got a bus because they were going to be missionaries for a religion that they help make up. Yeah. I'll say cult, but cult has got this new weighted definition because of Netflix documentaries and podcasts where everyone is expecting something that has a national trial or is successful.

I don't think we ever had an episode two. Right, right. Like most cult shows, they have that episode, it's like I was sleeping better, we were doing yoga every day, and then they turn and then the dread note plays. We never even got to that point. There's no cliffhanger at all. Every Netflix documentary about a cult, you see at some point that people are profiting wildly from it.

At some point, suddenly someone has- Wait, that's you, Moses. Yeah. A Rolls Royce, eventually. A Rolls Royce, yeah. No, no, but it's the long- I call myself Bhagwan now, and I roll up in a Rolls Royce. It's the long con, but it sounded very much like your parents helped invent a cult that

was completely unprofitable, and then you describe this a little bit in special, but the bus they're driving around in, let's be clear. This isn't some cute, fun, oh, we took a VW bus and we put about $50,000 into it. No, yeah. This is not the bus you're talking about that has like a cool fold out this, and it's for sale on eBay. This is not that bus, right? This is not the Etsy version of a bus.

It's not loving care. The first thing they got, so one, this is scary, the bus was free. They traded a bunch of junk from the backyard of a house that we were renting, just a bunch of old stuff, and when I pressed my mom about it, I was like, what do you mean? She goes, oh, it was the 90s, so everyone was trading. What? That was an answer. Yeah.

Yeah. That's how I got my first house. You traded. Yeah, I had three bags of what I said were magic beans, and I got a house. And traded up. So this guy was trying to get rid of a bus really fast, which is scary. And yeah, so he was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, take it, take it. So I was like, what did he do, and why is the bumper dented?

And then they... Like this, they're a sneaker and blood in the grill. These are a little girl's bike in the real world. Please tape. Don't worry about that. Just tarp it. Every time you park it, just tarp the bus. They didn't insulate it, and we were living in Finlay, Ohio at the time, so my parents

took the summer to convert the bus. They just parked it in our driveway, and we were about to be evicted because we couldn't pay rent in the house. So then there's no tutorial videos, nothing you can really look up. So my dad would just like go up to people at a construction site and just like chat them up for tips, and it shows. It's exactly like the kind of thing you could build if you just chatted up someone. It's like not a very good MacGyver, but he has decent people skills, and he's just

chatting with people randomly, and so with duct tape and tons of bullshit, gets this bus moving. Gets this bus. I don't think we ever had fully working plumbing. The closest we got is we had a toilet that was on a platform with no door. So if you were to do a number two, you'd have to be on like a little stage almost. Oh my God. Which is by the way the only way I can go.

We found that out from the tour. Yeah. The other people around me. I need applause. Look at me. I need applause at the finish. That's when I got brought into the inner circle, as I had to look at you on a little platform.

Look me in the eye, in bosses. And then normally you say you have something that's called a black tank that you, all the extra amount goes into, and then you dump it at campgrounds. We didn't have that. It was essentially just a bin, just like if you went to Target and you just put a bin under there. Yeah, criminal. Yeah.

It's a crime. So mostly we would just use campground bathrooms. But if you had to go, which one night I did, you had to go in essentially a bin that was on a platform with the illusion of a toilet over it. My oldest brother, you know, some people would think that's not sure you can't get a vehicle for free. My brother, Neil, proved to me many times he would go out and then come home with a car that he got for free because people want to get rid of their cars and he would go there

and the car wouldn't really work, but he knew it just needed a spark plug and he'd get it running and then they would say, just get it out of here. And one of his ploys with the car was the car would be selling for $50. Yeah. Literally $50 to just get this out of my yard and he would show up. They would say, all right, just please get it out of here. Where's your 50? And my brother, Neil would reach in his pockets and go, oh my God, I didn't bring, I forgot,

I forgot to bring the money. And then they'd say, just get the fuck out of here. I don't care. And my brother, Neil, would drive this thing home and then do very little to fix it up, practically nothing and just tool around Boston in it for a while. I can't believe that worked. I was just like, I don't have the money on me. I said, go get it.

And because they wanted it gone and I remembered going with him once and I didn't know that this was his thing. And the person said, all right, just please just get this piece of shit out of here. Where's my $40? Yeah. And Neil said, I don't have it. And I was with my brother Neil and I said, well, I've got $40 and my brother, Neil gave me this look like, I'll take care of you later.

So I handed the people the $40 and I said, you can pay me back when we get home. And he got in the car and he's like, I am not paying you back. Oh, fuck that. Yeah. I'm on his side. You blew the grip. I was such an idiot. I'm like $40.

Well, I've got that. And in fact, you have $200 in the golf compartment. I have much more. Yeah. Why, this car looks like it's worth a lot more than that. Wait a minute. That's an old Bugatti. According to my Kelly Blue book, you could get so much more for this.

So, but I never saw the photo, but you did talk on tour about how when you were a child, you looked or young teenager, you looked very much like a really cute girl. Yeah. And I kind of thought, well, most comics exaggerate. You put this picture up in the special and I swear that is a very kind and nice and good-looking 12-year-old girl. And we've all been self-deprecating. No girl looks more like a girl than the photo you put up.

Yes. That is so fair. It's insane. It is insane. So, here's what I couldn't legally say on the special. That photo shoot was free because at the end of the shoot, the woman that took those photos said, oh my God, the boys are going to go crazy for you. And I was like, what?

And my mom got furious like, he's a boy. He's obviously a boy. You make him do all those poses because there's poses where I'm like, I got like, you know, hand in your hip. Yeah. Exactly. So, she felt so bad. She was immediately flesh-red that that photo shoot, she's like, I'm so sorry about that.

You know, let's just take these photos, just my gift to you. I'm so sorry about that. When you are a boy, and that even hurt worse, is like, how much she had to stop down to take care of me. There's nothing worse than someone going, and by the way, you are a boy. I do believe you now. Because I was a beautiful girl. If I could be, you are.

That's the problem. First of all, you're a very attractive fellow. And I've told you that many times, you're one of the few men I've met who was born wearing eyeliner, but as a girl, you are stunning. Yeah. Really stunning. A little heartbreak. Every time I get nervous, I lick my lips, too, so my lips are already shiny.

And I'd be at the skate park with my brother, so I would. Also, whenever you got nervous, you'd put on a plaid skirt. It's the thing I do when I get nervous. I'd look later under the eyes, the nerves, curbs the nerves. Yeah. So I'd be at the skate park, and I would do a trick, and people would be like, yeah, girl skater, let's go. Oh, man.

Which hurts, because it's a compliment, but it's like, no, I got asked out one, because I guess Mosestorm is an insane enough name where it's not like I'm Brad. Where someone, I guess could, if you look like that, and your name's a little unusual, and it's possible you're a girl. Well, Mosestorm is the ultimate father. I guess. It doesn't scream masculinity to me. Yeah.

And Matt, there's a lot of people out there who don't read the Old Testament and don't watch the Ten Commandments. Okay. Well, I'm reading it now. I'm sorry. Go on. Yeah, I know. I know.

I could see you were on Zoom. But yeah, I could see people thinking, oh, that's some cool name. Yeah. I also, someone who's given a strange name, and I feel, or an unusual name, a name you didn't hear. Mosestorm does sound made up. Yeah. It's too many unusuals.

I think a good name is Conan O'Brien, because the last name is very common. So I think two unusual names together, it's a double negative where it's just like, oh, this is bullshit. This is the guy who's about to do, I was in San Francisco. And when you're not famous, they put your photo up outside the marquee and your name. And I was just walking in for the night, and I overheard this couple that was just like looking for something to do, let's see what's happening at the comedy club. And the girl is a little drunk, and she's like, what is a Mosestorm?

And then her boyfriend with, you know, 100% confidence. He goes, oh, yeah, I know him. I don't think I'm in the mood to see magic tonight. The perfect delivery of just honest drunk people, and I don't think they put two and two together, but they did turn around, and I was just right there. Right. They put the same shirt from the photo. And a magician's hat.

And a magician's hat. That's on me. That doesn't help my case. I was like, I don't want to see him. You turn around and now you see me. It does sound like a drink, too. It does sound like a very, I'll have a Mosestorm, you know, like Dana Carvey does a bit where he's Johnny Carson, who's been pulled over for, yeah, exactly, and I was at the Rusty

Skipper having a slippery monkey, you know, and it's so, but a Mosestorm sounds like something like, I'll have a gin and tonic, and for the lady, she'll have the Mosestorm. It does sound like a drink. Yeah, it's like Hennessy with a splash of milk for the storm. Yeah. Yeah. An apple. The stomach turner.

Yeah, you immediately have to lay down. Just the top of a pineapple, not even the edible part. The part that hurts, and you have to swallow it the wrong way. Spikes out. You know, it's funny, because you talked to in the special, which is something I didn't realize is you talk about dyslexia, how you grew up in this incredibly impoverished situation where you're telling, where you look out while your family dumpster dives for food, and you tell this hilarious swimming pool story.

I mean, so many stories are, you'd think they're, this can't be true, but they are all completely true. Mm-hmm. You also talk about dyslexia, and I had this realization, which is at the end of the tour, I had this guitar that I just futzed around with backstage and didn't really use it on stage at all. It was just for backstage to keep my fingers busy, and at the end of the tour, I asked all of you guys to-

Oh, no. No, it's really interesting. I asked all the comics to sign it, all the men and women who had been on the tour to sign it, and so every signed it, and I think you were one of the last people, and I handed it to you, and everyone else just sort of signed it in front of me, and you spent a long time sort of thinking about it, and I knew you had talked to me about how you struggled with dyslexia, and I know- Yeah, I was just, I honestly had a pit in my stomach, I thought I had misspelled something

on your, that was my first thought when you brought that up. Only Conan. Yeah. I didn't know that it wasn't a K. Everything else was like this perfect, I can't thank you enough for this wonderful opportunity, everything is- Yeah. And you're like, beautiful, and the handwriting is beautiful, but yeah, K-U-N-

K-U-N. How many amperes stands are in your name? And then there's no- But I remember like when my space first came out, or Facebook came out, I would be messaging girls and then reading it back, and it's just, if you get an email from me, now it's gotten better with software, but it's like English is probably my third or fourth language. Right. It is how are you and of doing of good, it's, yeah, you just can't see it, because I'm dyslexic

and dysgraphic, and there's a lot of programs that help people out. What is dysgraphic? Dysgraphic is the order of things. Okay. So even if you were to write down a math problem, you could get that wrong, because it's the way, if you told me numbers right now and I went to write it down, it's the disconnect between my brain and the physical part of writing it down. Right.

That could be corrected in school, but when I say I was homeschooled, that's generous. We weren't even schooled. There was no school, there was no real curriculum. Even when I got those homeschool tapes, it was just an excuse to record your show, which also sounds like a lie, but that's what that was. You actually, you proved that, you showed that to me, which is you had homeschool tapes that we're supposed to. There's a heavy Christian slant, they do science with a real wink, and like, oh, we got it.

It's such the most begrudging science you've ever heard in your life. I guess this is a theory. It's taught like how they talk about QAnon and CNN. So this is what they believe. So they believe the earth revolves around the sun. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. So no school, I think my old, two older siblings, there was maybe a little effort that went into it.

My mom would like put down a textbook and say like, hey, do that, but by the time you get five kids in, no, there was no incentive. And the whole purpose of the religion is like, God's going to end the world in 46 minutes. So why would you learn what a gerund phrase is? Right. What's the point? Right. It's all over.

So yes, eventually I was able to convince my mom to get us tapes, which is a homeschool program that's run out of Pensacola, Florida that's Christian. And I did that so I could get a TV and VCR in my room and record your show. Yeah. And you actually showed me, I guess they found, they busted you, right? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Cause I'm a child.

So I don't think about the whole repercussions of recording over the tapes. In my head, it's just like this giant company, but so I would, what I would do is when your show would come on, because we had a signal on low cable, put a tape in and press record and turn the TV off and just hope that I didn't mess it up. And sometimes I did. And it would just be like Jay Leno and be like, all right, that's Bush. And then it would cut out and I would just, oh. And then he's actually, he actually was doing that for the Pensacola Homeschool.

Yeah. It's $30. It's $30 in it. I'm like, yeah, so anyway, they say the earth revolves around the fun, we all know that. Great. That's my new favorite carrier is QAnon Jay Leno. Yeah. Hey, I made a book, you know, it's celebrity beating baby.

So then when it was a very hostile experience watching your show, because when I would watch it back, I would, I would be hovering over the TV, never laying down and watching it at a moment's notice because I shared a room with my two brothers or whole and bus. And so any time they came in, I would have to change it really fast and turn it off like, oh, that tape just ended. So anytime I'd watch your show, I'd be in a full crouch over just hovering at a moment's notice ready to turn it off. Every second meant so much.

But you showed me one, it was really funny because it's this woman and she's teaching a class, you know, and all of a sudden you see, and then it's me and I think, yeah, I don't know, 1997. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was that it cut out was Lincoln, it was like, yeah, Dominatrix, Lincoln, but yeah. So yeah, the woman's teaching her begrudging science class and she was very impressed by

herself. That's another funny thing that's on the tape is that she, anytime she would do a very gentle science experiment of like just make vapor in a room, she would always give a face like nailed it, nailed it. And then I just dropped Alka Seltzer into a water and look what I did. Yeah. Like, like it was witchcraft. Those tapes would cut out.

And then so I set the tapes back. It's a subscription model, they said you taped and it was just your show. And you've got me doing Dominatrix, Lincoln, cut into this tape. So there's people that's like, your show meant a lot to me, you are in my head all of TV. Bob Saggis was the richest person in the world in my head as a kid. He was just passing out 10 grand, that was our ticket out. And then you were show business. Everything I found out about movies, references I know today was through your lens.

Oh, wow. This really is an impoverished childhood. You know, it's the true meaning of poverty. Poverty means you learn everything from Conan's show. Yeah. You know, it's funny because you have one of the slogans that you bring up. And again, the special explains it all really well, but you're talking your special about how crazy beats scary.

I'm sort of paraphrasing it a little bit. No, but that's fair and in a real way did come around to forgiveness just in setting up the show. Right. I think one I can't watch the special, I can't watch any early stuff because it just seems like someone that's very angry still lashing out. But in setting up a full one hour show, when you gave me that opportunity, I think it was in 2019 from there, just having to write full characters where it's not just a villain

that's that's being a dick in a vacuum for no reason. And you start to write and so I started right towards my mom and trying to dig of why these things happened. And then inadvertently came around to absolute forgiveness was like, oh yeah, okay, I get what she was going through as I make my own mistakes as an adult. That's not saying that what she did was right or anyone should do that or that was okay. But it is genuine forgiveness came from selfishly just trying to make a full show. So that was that was huge to answer your first question about how she felt about it.

I was worried about that. So what I did, because I added the special, I had control the footage is I did a personal screening for her because I don't want you to be embarrassed ever. And you because you feel like the whole world seeing it and you have no control. So before it ever aired, it was very busy, but took a day out to just go see her and explain what this meant to me, what this story is about and and then screened it for just her and and she loved it. She loved it.

Yeah, it was it was vindication for her because it's not someone that's angry and that took just age that took talking to you in Denver and if you remember, we had a very important conversation that was changed a good portion of my life about just self worth and selling myself short on stage as a defense mechanism to be like, I'll make fun of me before you could ever make fun of me that way. If you don't like me, I'm smarter than you because I already said that I'm a piece of shit. That was my defense mechanism for a long time, which is I'll get out in front of everybody

and make fun of me before you get a chance to, which is one of the oldest tricks in the book and then you get really good at it and it works and that becomes problematic because if you get really good at it and people like it and you realize you're completely selling yourself short and eventually kind of just lying about yourself. I have never been more embarrassed and more exposed than that show. So we were doing a show in Denver and it was a huge crowd and I so when I come out, I think the opening line that gets a laugh is, oh, I'm the comedian that you go to the bathroom during.

No one knows who I am, at least like Ron Funches, Taylor Thomas and these people I had specials out. I was completely unknown, at least to my mind and it gets a laugh and but you saw what was behind that of, oh, I know what you're doing. It's a defense thing and I would have never, I would have never changed that behavior unless you said that because it still gets a laugh. So it's like, you know, keep it and I'm protecting myself. It's like the eight mile thing of like he would make fun of himself.

So by the time it was the other guys turned to rap battle, they had nothing to say about him. You did rap battle me backstage. I did. It was awkward. I kept wanting to challenge everyone on tour to a rap battle and it was a mistake because my whole style is very early 80s. I'm Conan O'Brien and I'm here to say I'm the best rapper in the USA and then usually

it trails out right after that. Yeah, we'd keep the cadence, but it wouldn't rhyme. You really struggled what rhymes with models and we were like, it's bottles, it's bottles. I struggled with that and I bought what I thought was a Kangol cap, but it was just a small sailor's cap and that also hurt. So I learned eventually stop challenging people to rap battles. But that was the first, I think that might have been the first real conversation I had with you because I don't know, you probably have people like this in your life.

If you grow up watching someone and you are the only one, I think it also secretly record the OC because they did sex on the show and I was like, chemicals and I wasn't getting sex from your show. So what do you talk about, my show was liquid sex, growling at Heather Graham. I'm like, even as a homeschool religious kid, I was like, that's lame. Yeah, so you have these people in your head that are just TV people. They carry so much weight in your head. So even doing that rooftop show, maybe it was sun poisoning, being at the top of that

roof, but I couldn't hear my own voice. It was just like shell shock, like the scene in Saving Private Ryan where he stands up and he's just looking around, it's chaos. You meant so much to me in my life. I went up on that roof and I was on that roof for 20 minutes. I had to be taken to the hospital immediately because I burst into flames. I don't know, you guys were up there the whole time. I think it was illegal for us to put you on that roof.

Oh yeah, there was so many soft spots on that roof. I'm sorry. There's so many things that Dave was like stepping on a loaf of bread. We were told initially that you might, it's possible, don't get your hopes up. It's the pre-show. He's got a lot to do. It's possible he might come up for two minutes just to solidify like, hey, my name's on this thing and you guys are going to keep throwing to clips, but we were blown away and I had

so much trouble sleeping that each night was just so excited because you would stay up there for 20 minutes. It was fun, but you've worked your ass off for years. You've worked really hard. You're very talented, but I've always said to people, talent is less interesting to me. There's plenty of people that have talent. It's what do you do with it?

You have worked very hard and you're a person, a real character. You have made this happen and then you've told your story and I think what you're reacting to right now is one of the most magical things in life is talking about something that was painful for you and it brings a room full of people, a lot of joy and they laugh and they applaud and you feel better and then someone hands you a check, you're like, what is this? What is this? Yeah.

This was never, I mean, this wasn't even really the plan. I don't know, this, I had to do this. This is a, I think a lot of people didn't realize it. Most people who do comedy, it's a compulsion. They have to do it. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, in my head, I would work at, I was like, I kind of like the industry.

So I'd probably be a PA, be an office PA and then at night I would do stand up or if it was Taco Bell and I would just stand up at night, but the plan was never like, this is what I'm going to monetize, this is going to be a job. And so the whole special is trying to get to that point and the whole special is supposed to be a grift, meaning the true way to show the forgiveness to my mom is not just say I forgive you, it's like, I'm going to use all the tools that you used and essentially grift people into, to connect you with the special. I say it's not a TED Talk and then the very next sentence, pull out a PowerPoint remote

and start talking about essentially what would be in a TED Talk. And that's something I learned from her. You say the grift before you do it. So we would call into radio stations around the holidays and lie and say that our house burned down so we could get gifts. Oh my God. I know. So she would say that she's like, I know a lot of people take advantage of you on these

shows and it's not the truth. I just want to say that we just support your show and you've gotten through a really tough time because the house just burned down. And yeah, so that's something I learned from her. So all the tools in here and just how crafty she is with people, how charming and go get her attitude, all the set is trash from the streets of Los Angeles that that's how we survived as we would go through people's garbage for stuff. And yeah, it was say how much I used of her of like, well, thank you for these tools.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think one of the things that really comes through is how cathartic it is how this is a labor of love and it's so funny. There are so many stories from your romantic misadventures and from, you know, all kinds of stuff. It's not that, but I can tell that it's healing. It's to me, that's the ultimate magic of comedy is that every now and then it's healing

the people who are hearing it, but it's also healing the person who's performing it. Everybody wins. It's one of the few times in nature, like everything in physics, nature always tells you like something has to lose, you know, to, to for energy to be over here, you have to lose energy over there. And I think the one thing that just proves that to me, the one exception in nature is when someone's getting real joy out of performing comedy and making other people laugh too. So.

Do you think there's any danger to that though, like a healthy way? I think the lockdown was very hard and that I didn't have that outlet. Right. I do, I get scared sometimes that if that went away, I wouldn't. I feel like it's payment for the past of like all those things happened because I was able to transmute it into this, but I, yeah, I don't, I can't help but have it in my back of my mind of wondering if that is in fact actually a healthy thing. I would leave that to people listening because I have the worst perspective on it.

And I do know that I've been in a funk lately and it's because I'm between projects. I mean, someone the other day, I was talking to Paula Davis, who has been with me for 28 years. I was talking to her yesterday and she said, how are you doing? Cause I've been talking to her lately. And I said, yeah, I'm still in a funk. And she said, you haven't been in front of an audience in a long time and you were in front of audiences every day, five days a week for 28 years.

And now you're not. And I went, oh, yeah, I didn't realize. And I'm, you know, people sometimes misunderstand and think I'm a smart person. And in many ways I'm not a smart, I will miss the most obvious thing in the world. And I just, I thought, yeah, I gotta cope between COVID and between my particular situation of being, you know, between gigs that involve an audience. It is, that's probably something that was helping me a lot. That was medicine for me was to get out in front of people.

And even before the show started, if I was just screwing around with the audience or in the commercial break, screwing around with the audience, that was just a salve. And it's a reset. You could do it with the flu because you, yeah, you instantly feel better. I mean, much to Kanthu's ire, I was doing shows even in the lockdown just because I knew I needed that to survive. Even bad situations where you're doing an outdoor show for cars, you're performing for a bunch of Kia Sorento's.

And that was just like that feeling is a reset. And it makes everything else that feels so unbearable sometimes just a little bit tolerable. I have to talk to so many comedians that during lockdown performed for drive-in shows for people. And they said the audience would flash their lights and hit their horns instead of applause. And I thought, that is so bizarre, but I would, and I did not have that experience. I was doing shows over Zoom, but I was thinking, wow, I could see that almost feeling is good that, you know, that a car horn is going off.

I did a lot of something. And I could say no, because you've only, you've only heard the honk in the context of, fuck you idiot move. Yeah. Oh, I see. And it's hard to reprogram your brain. I see. A warning sound.

It's like, oh, you know what I get off on? I can't come unless I hear an Amber alert. You can't. You can't put that warning sound. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. Too much about me. But you never felt the same.

You're never going to. Yeah, you can't, you can't replace the joyous sound of laughter with the sound that you associate with, I just took a left on red and almost killed somebody. And now I'm going to reprogram my brain. Because it's such a conscious choice and laughter is supposed to be the spontaneous thing. Right. Oh, you trick the chemicals in this person's brain and you surprise them. And the honk is too, I don't know, it's too formal.

Well, I loved your special and it's funny. I feel like either a much, much, much older brother or a pseudo dad figure or something. But I take a lot of pride in you as a person and an artist. And trash white is on HBO Max right now. And as you say, the response has been really tremendous. And I like it. My favorite story is nice thing happens to nice person who deserves it. And so thank you for being a really good friend and for letting me be associated with you.

Yeah. I mean, I would say I think you're doing, you're doing me more good than I'm doing you. Everything you said, I take as fact, I mean, you, I would say a father figure in my life, which is, I find that hard to admit. Can we go with, can we go with older brother? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I am a brother that just happens to me. He's supposed to be 55 years older than you.

Yeah. A different marriage. No, no, no, that's the sick thing. Same. Same. Big gap. Big gap in our life. You were born when mom was 78 through a series of weird experiments.

But when I think about all the times that I got lucky, a lot of them had to do with you. And even when I was a kid and we were going through the worst shit that I can't even say on that special watching your show and how much work you put into that and your humor, it made it a lot easier. So thank you for that. We both, we both, we both win and thank you, Moses. And I look forward to hanging out with you probably sometime in the next three days. Yeah.

You're not going to. No, no, no, absolutely. Yeah. You're circling different projects, but yeah. No, no, I'm going to show up. Okay. All right. I'm going to show it.

Okay. I tend to do that. I do have Christmas presents for you guys that are related to the show. What? What do you mean? Really? Hold on one second. Let me drop them off.

Oh, okay. Should we talk while Sam is getting these? Our engineer, Sam, just alerted us that he had presents for us. By the way, when this airs, it'll probably be mid to late January. Yes. They're from me. I'll email you yours. I got an ad around Christmas time from a store in Etsy that I'd used before and the email

made me laugh so hard. It said, do you have a beautiful name? Have it engraved on an ornament, which made me laugh because it implied I would have my own name made on an ornament, like a psychopath. It didn't say like, does a loved one have a beautiful name? So it made me laugh. And then I thought of the most beautiful name I could think of. And I had these made.

Merry Christmas, guys. Hey. Oh, that's so nice. Katakai. Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. I think they're supposed to be baby names. Oh, that's nice.

They're beautiful. Katakai. Well, I haven't mentioned this, but we named our daughter Katakai. Katakai. As you made her? Katakai. As God made her. This is so cool.

It's really cool. Thank you, Sam. Katakai. Thank you, Sam. That's really pretty. Sorry, it's mid-January. Yeah. I know.

I still, I have. You know what? There's really no reason why a Christmas gift needs to be given at Christmas. Armenian Christmas. Yeah. Even Armenian Christmas. When is Armenian Christmas? It was January 6th.

Yeah. Oh. Is that just why? Are they just being difficult? It's the Orthodox Christmas. What do you mean? Are we just being difficult? Just have it on the, how hard is it to move it to the 25th?

A lot of people celebrate it on January 6th. You can't say, oh, are you, there's an entire culture celebrate on a different day just to be difficult? No. Don't be ridiculous. It could come across as insensitive. Yeah. You think?

I just think, how hard would it be to just slide it? It's a couple of days. Not us. We do it on the 26th. Why can't you push it to January 6th? Because everyone does it on the 25th. Yeah, but just push it. Oh, I'm the Irish.

The Irish like to have it on March 9th. And we, the tree has to be upside down. And it has to be shooting Guinness out at the bottom of it. Yeah. Well, this is a good time to say, Merry Christmas, you two. Oh, for God's sake, it's, what is it now? It's late January. No, we're not.

You know, I do, I work so hard to give, make this an evergreen show to not have it be date specific. Like a Christmas tree? Excuse me. What'd you say? Like a Christmas tree? Evergreen. Evergreen.

God. I like these to be always fresh. People can hear them at any time. Why can't people hear them and be like, oh, they recorded this around Christmas? Cause we didn't. Why is that? That's okay. I want it to constantly be a mystery.

I want my movements and motions to be a mystery. Come on. I want people to never know where I am. I'm like Saddam Hussein. I've got doubles out there, triples. I want people to never know what's Conan up to. I don't like it when we're specific about when we're recording or where we're recording. You're the most easily recognizable person.

I know. Like, you're not. Also it's 1.34 on January 11th. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Beckton, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Ear Wolf.