Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Natasha Lyonne

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Actress Natasha Lyonne, a totally normal person, feels blank about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Natasha sits down with Conan to discuss the New York Times crossword, her unorthodox career in show business, working with Marlon Brando on Scary Movie 2, and producing Jacqueline Novak’s stand-up special "Get On Your Knees". Plus, a listener voicemail about Richard Nixon prompts Sona to break out her finest impressions. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hello, my name is Natasha Leon and I'm a totally normal person. And I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend. So do I. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, issues walking blues climb the fence books and pens Hey there welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend joined by my cohorts Sonam of Session. Hey, son. Hi and Matt goreley hi Matt. I think full disclosure is important Matt by my cohorts, Sonia Movesesian. Hey, Sonia. Hi. And Matt Gorely. Hi.

Matt, I think full disclosure is important. Matt has a very young daughter and you got no sleep last night. And I just think it's good for the listeners to know what you're going through in real time. What time were you awakened? 12.45. Okay.

AM. And was it a screaming, crying thing? It was, Mommy, I'm ready to go in the living room. Oh. Oh my God. So fully ready to go. And she had like a double shot latte just before bed.

Was there a reason why she woke up that? Thought we'd put the heater on, but we put the air conditioner on. And whatever the story was, Amanda and Glenn went out to the living room and slept there and then I did not fall back asleep at all. I was just up the entire, I have not slept since and so I come to you what I am. Oh boy.

Yeah, which is a weird sentence. I come to you but I mean that sentence in and of itself is proof that you shouldn't be operating machinery let alone co-hosting a podcast. Not heavy machinery, not even light machinery like this. Oh my God. I am what be I. Yeah, I remember neither of our children were great sleepers. And it kicks in later on and now that they're teenagers,

you can throw stones at them while they're sleeping and they won't get up. And I often do, because it's funny. I remember when my daughter was really young and she was in that phase where you know those little lights that you put in a room, you see them, I mean, now they're in households, they're everywhere, but if you enter the room, the light just goes on. It's a motion detector. I remember realizing, oh, our daughter is a motion detector. So she could be fast asleep. And if you just put your pinky in the room, in a dark room where she was and held it up in the air, she would be up and go,

we play now! You know, and it was time to go. Rock and roll. Not going back to sleep for six hours. Oh, boy. Yeah, it was just incredible. But your, now your kids pass out? No.

One of them, Mikey can sleep through out. No, one of them. Mikey can sleep through anything. Charlie and now that they were like climbing out of their cribs, like like stealth ninjas. So I wouldn't know they were up until I like looked when I just open my eyes and one is one's face is right next to me. What did you find out later? They were jewel thieves. They could be. There was a rash of... They could be.

And then you'd wake up in the morning and there was just incredible rubies, necklaces in their cribs. Yes. And you kind of kept it quiet. Yeah. I mean, it's also, I don't know if stealing is genetic, but if it is, they got the gene for me. Well, you are wearing a ton of jewelry today. You are wearing a lot of jewelry today. What is going on?

My children steal them for me. I've trained them. I just see them with little suction cups. They've got the thing that Tom Cruise has where you're lowered on wire. You go right down to the bottom. They climb over baby gates now. Oh, yeah.

The baby gates can't even hold them anymore. Like nothing baby proofing. Did they brag when you come into the house with something that's like, that will not hold us. We cannot be held Any man made barrier That acts I don't know They've been listening to they have they have babble

The free plug for babble by the way, you're not paying us any money I just love that they've been listening to a lot of babble at night, and then you come in Where's Potter? And the night we pearl in some precious jewelry from the local museum. We do hope you enjoy. Well, I'm sorry you didn't look at him. He's resting his chin.

You're resting your chin on the microphone to sleep. Good for the sound. Are you any good at taking a nap? No, I, no, no. I'm a horrible sleeper as it is. You always were. You know what that is? Your conscience.

It may be. What do you mean? Yeah, wait, what do you mean? I think you've committed horrible crimes. Can you sleep? Like a baby. No, that can't be. Oh, conscience keeps you up. Sociopath, no soci baby. No, that can't be. Oh, he's a sociopath.

His conscience keeps you up. No, sociopath. Okay, that makes sense. That checks out. Oh yeah, there's a frame of story in our family lore when we were kids and a bat got loose in the house. What? Yeah, a bat came into the house

because we live in suburban Boston in a cave. A building frame? My father fought crime to avenge the death of his parents. into the house because you know we live in in suburban Boston in a cave. I, my father, my father fought crime to avenge the death of his parents. Just knowing your dad. Yeah, my dad pretended to be an academic medicine and he'd go like, yes, yes, I'm, I think I'm gonna go to the lab and just work on this new strain of, this new strain of, this bacteria is rather concerning.

It's shown up in Austria. It's coming to go... It's the lab and just check it out. And then he... I love all of them. Look at Batman has six kids. Yeah. Batman has six kids.

Anyway... Does his persona change when he goes to... Oh yeah, he goes down the bat pole. And then he's Batman. And Batman. And he's suddenly like kicking ass. Then he comes back home again. He has like a, I think I'll have a little soup,

a little V8 juice. And he's like, ah. Does he have a lab coat on over his bat suit? Yeah, he sometimes forgets. Sometimes he's fighting crime in the lab coat because he forgot. And people are like, what the fight? He's like, oh, god damn it!

Quick temper, Irish temper. God damn it. Jesus Christ. But yeah, my father fought crime. Anyway, a bat got into the house in the summer and everyone in the house woke up and was chasing it. And I used to share a room with my, at the time I think I was just sharing it

with my brother Luke. I used to share it with Luke and Neil, but I was just sharing it with Luke then. And they, everyone in the family came, was chasing the bat and they all chased it into the room where I was asleep. Luke was awake chasing it. My father used to always try and capture them because he wanted to get them to the lab to study if they had rabies or not.

So and to avenge the murder of his parents and really in Gotham City. And anyway, but they were, everyone's jumping from bed to bed and I'm on the bed fast asleep. I mean, people were jumping on the bed screaming bat, bat. I'm out the whole time. And then in the morning I wake up like,

and everybody said, I can't, wasn't that crazy last night? And I said, what? What was crazy? I'm so jealous. I haven't slept through the night since I was probably 18. But what do you do when you wake up? I don't do anything. I don't look on my phone. I try to keep it real

You try to keep it real Yeah, he's from the streets Maddy girls maddy girls I love that checking your phone means you're not keeping it real that means no one on earth's keeping it real. Oh my God. They keep it real. I love that checking your phone means you're not keeping it real. That means no one on earth is keeping it real. I'm so, I'm so tired. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I feel, I feel for him. I know. Wait, now it's gone. It was just momentary. It was a weird... Wrap it up so I can go. Yeah, okay, we're gonna let you go home so you can not sleep there. Have you ever tried, is there anything that might help you go to sleep? I've tried everything I can think of everything

There is you should try listening to this podcast Oh, I should mention I do fall asleep when I'm editing Every time it's the best sleep you've ever had. Oh man. All right you knuckleheads. I never get to say that much Okay, you knuckleheads. I never get to say that much. Okay, you knuckleheads, piped. And sometimes I do it when you're not even, you're not even saying much. No, we're not. Quiet, you knuckleheads.

Piped down. My guest today. Co-created and starred in the hit Netflix series, Russian Doll. You can also see her in the Peacock series, poker face, I love that show. And recently she directed the critically acclaimed comedy special, Jacqueline Novak, Get On Your Knees,

which is available to stream on Netflix. Very excited she's here today. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Natasha Lyon, welcome. Natasha, I was really excited about you being here because you've been on the show a bunch of times and every time I talk to you, I'm deliriously happy because you were a singularity. You were unlike anybody else that I speak to. You're such an original speaker of speaking and speeches and speech of fine.

But you are not. No, no. I was. I was Obama's speechwriter. of speaking and speeches and speech-ifying. But you are not. No, no. I was, I was Obama's speech writer. That's why most of his speeches about the Affordable Care Act started out like, now listen to me. Yeah, now listen up country.

Emphasis on the country, I said it. I thought you were wrote his best speeches. Thank you. You know, a lot of people, I don't get a lot of credit for that. And so I really appreciate you bringing up a lot of people just thinking me as like, I don't know, whatever. Captain Bruno Kirby or some shit.

And I'm like, honey, I'm fucking, I wrote Obama's most iconic speech. You did. You are such a great speechwriter for Obama, but also you fell through a black hole. You come from another time. You are, what would you call yourself, a ragamuffin? Yeah, well, I do appreciate that. Instead of saying singular, you actually called me the singularity. Yes, you are the singularity.

So, I'm actually our first test subject. And you know what's wild is people thought that Rick Hertzwell was a kook. You know what I mean? Sure. They thought he was some sort of a wackadoodle. I think it's because he did talk about the Singularity and then the back half of the documentary really ends with discovering that the reason he wants this sort of life extension Singularity is so he can resurrect his dead father and bring him back from the dead, which kind of undid, I think, his theories,

because it seems like, you know, he was just some sort of a character out of young Frankenstein. But yes, that's actually how I think of myself is the final merging of technology and humanity. That was some run. That was good. That was an incredible speech you just gave, better than anything you wrote for Obama. Yeah, thanks. That was...

Well, because I like to take people on a loop-de-loo, where is this going? And then I slide into no plate, you know what I mean? Into just no plate. That wasn't just, yeah, that wasn't just a roller coaster. That was a Coney Island roller coaster made of wood. It has a little bit of gift to it. Have you been on that roller coaster?

Oh, fuck yeah, I've swam in that water. I don't give a shit what's in it. You know what I mean? I was on that roller coaster once and it gives. You feel it give on the corners. It's made of like old pine. And that's, a roller coaster's not something I want to be vintage. Yeah. I also don't want my eye operation to be vintage.

Did you get lacing? No, I didn't. But I'm just saying if I were to have my eye operated on, I wouldn't want to go all retro and cool. You know, like, give me the give me the instruments from 1885, just because I want to be all steampunk. Yeah, I don't want that. I don't want that. Well, I won't do it then I don't like honestly as mine. You can just do it. I'm being too uptight and I can tell and you look you look bummed out I want you know, that's just my face. It is. Yeah, I'm kind of just that's my new my neutral face is Slightly depressed and maybe I am thinking a lot about how Briefly I am on this planet and how soon I'll be moldering in my tomb.

Those things come to mind a lot. Yeah, not Fred Kurzweil has his way with you. This motherfucker's gonna bring you right back. Wait, what is the name of this documentary? Transcendental Man, maybe, but I'm just pulling from the ether. Okay, we got Eduardo's on it right now. Or he's buying something on Amazon.

It's one or the other. He's buying another messy jersey. Transcendent man. Transcendent man. Transcendent man. Well, close enough, but listen. So you're basically just a baby genius and that's not your problem. So are you depressed or you're existential or you're just thinking thoughts?

I'm just thinking thoughts. Sounds to me like you might be thinking thoughts. I'm just thinking thoughts. And thoughts drive emotions. Ask any, yeah be thinking thoughts. I'm just thinking thoughts. Yeah. And thoughts drive emotions. Ask any... Wow. Yeah, they do. And feelings aren't facts.

Exactly. And now we've done our service here today. Now we're okay. Now... Goodbye, everybody. Guys, you're welcome. We fixed it. This is the shortest podcast we've ever done.

Yeah. I ran into you recently at an event for someone we both know who passed away. Yes, sir. We were chatting and I was telling you, every time I see you in something, I'm happy, because I am a big fan of yours and your work and your persona and poker face. I just absolutely love, I love that show.

It was bringing back a type of show that I grew up watching as a kid, this kind of serialized person on the move, you know, who's getting involved in things against her will and solving them. And you're, I don't know, I just, I love that show. Absolutely love that show and I was really happy that you made it.

I know that you've been deeply involved in it. You're not just acting in it, but you're wearing a lot of hats on that show. What's the humble thing to say? Well, much like Toa Chaplin. Uh-uh. I love... Like Einstein, you tried something and it worked out. You're wearing a lot of hats on that show. What's the humble thing to say? Well, much like Charlie Chaplin. Uh-uh, I, uh... Like Einstein, you tried something and it worked out.

You know what I mean? Like, so, and Johnson and I, I like these, you know, we see that one photograph of Einstein and Charlie Chaplin just looking loose by the beach on the rock. No one's ever seen that photo. I have. You can Google that too. Yeah, I've seen that photo.

You know that photo. Yeah. That's a great photo. So, you know, we're in there. Yeah, yeah. If they took a photo of you and me hanging out at the beach, it would be like Chaplin and Einstein. It would.

It would be different, you know what I mean? Because... Not different at all. Baby, we're redheads. We got it like that. We're either your thing or definitely not. Oh, there it is. So they are hanging out on a. You're exactly like googling everything you say.

So and so far so good, right? And not just still got it. So I think Ryan, thanks. I think Ryan is Einstein. Yeah, yeah, because he can do a Saturday crossword. Although I did have to help him on Friday, I had to help him with the Friday puzzle while we sat and watched the AFI awards.

And he was very proud because his name was in the puzzle. Director of Knives Out, last name, Johnson, Blank Johnson. I did that one. Yeah. So he got that clue and many others. out, last name Johnson, blank Johnson. I did that one. Yeah. So he got that clue and many others. So he got himself.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm proud of you, but like, yeah, Einstein, usually you get to Saturday in like eight minutes, what's going on. Craig Mason was right across from us, so I made sure to shame Ryan to Craig because that's very slow time for him. And then yeah, so that's why I think he's Einstein because he can generally, under normal conditions, do a Saturday in like eight minutes. I can't. I can't. I can only do it up to a Thursday and then again a Sunday. Friday and Saturday, I don't even try. So that's why I know I'm

a Charlie Chaplin. I am a regular. I do every single times crossword puzzle. Monday I find insulting. Like I'm just like, what is this? Not a dog, but a CAT. And so Monday I'm, I just think I'm the smartest man in the world. Tuesday, sometimes there's a struggle for a moment or two and I become panicked that I'm an idiot. struggle for a moment or two and I become in a panic that

I'm an idiot. Yeah. And then, but then you get into it and I have to say once you get into Friday, Saturday, I don't know how anyone could do Saturday in eight minutes. I don't think that's possible. I think May's in Cannes and I bet you Lord of Miller Cannes. I'm just thinking about people, you know, that I've puzzled with. And I'm not name-dropping. I'm puzzle-dropping right now.

It's the nerdiest thing you can do as puzzle-dropping. Yeah, I'm fucking puzzle-dropping like a mutt of fucking. Yeah, so I'm out on a yacht with Will Shorts. Yeah, and... The Neera Times Cross-Repuzzle Editor. Well, it's funny you bring up Will because he was so nice to me when I co-constructed a puzzle for the times with Deb Amlin and it's not a big deal Conan.

It's just like, yeah, I built the fucking puzzle in Will Short's room, you know, let me a nice note about it. Hey, let me ask you how that works. Kind of a big fan of mine. So, you know what I mean? That's fine. I appreciate that you went to Harvard and I dropped out of NYU like six times at a tish. Wait, why'd you drop out six times?

Once you drop out, aren't you out? Nah, it's just I kept trying to negotiate like a scholarship with the Dean of Admissions. And, cause I was like, I'm 15, you know what I mean? Like, what the fuck you want from me? I don't have, that's my money. You don't get my money and so. You're going to college at 15.

Yeah. And you're negotiating your own scholarship or trying to, or trying to. And I think. Yeah, bugs him alone. Yeah. Did you have a little cigarette or a little cigar? Yeah, of course.

I always have a little cigarette. Thanks so much for bringing it up because now I feel like it's an open table for my real life's desires. I still do carry a lighter on a lighter leash, but I quit smoking. But yeah, I was trying to smoke in the dean's office. So, yeah.

You were... But you're Harvard and you ran the lampon and shit, right? Yeah, sure. But who cares? No one cares. Well, I mean, it's a long time ago now, so. Well, not that long ago. I'm only 42. Yeah. And you've delivered on it.

And I recently am 27, which is scary, because of the 27 class. You could go at any time. Any time. I feel like you were running your life almost from a very early age, right? And this is, this kind of made you would you say that that's what made me? The fact that you had to be so self-reliant so early don't you think that that had something to do with yeah

I often worry about my you know, I have such good friends that they're all such terrific parents and And I worry about the kids, you know what I mean? Because having alcoholic fucked up suicidal mental patient parents is really, really helpful for character development. And yeah, your eyes are wide open to the full scope of the human condition at an early age. So you have a high emotional IQ. I used to think it, man, I should like join the CIA or something, but later in therapy, discovered it was actually just in hypervigilance

of constantly being terrified and assessing situations. So it's not really that I was reading the room so well and could retain clues or random pieces of information It's just clocking things. Right. You kind of have to to survive. Yeah, and yes by like I think like by six probably Yes at our friend and we saw each other at Peewee's Memorial at Paul Reuben's Memorial Yeah, I think I did Peewee's Playhouse six to eight when you were a child actor and I did Peewee's Playhouse six to eight. You were a child actor and you did Peewee's Playhouse, yeah. Yeah, I guess and I love Paul.

But he was like, I remember he was one of the first guys, he took me to a steak dinner, I talked about this at the Memorial. When I got out of rehab, he was one of the first people that was like, oh hey, let me take you out to dinner. It meant so much to me. We had steaks in the valley someplace.

I was like, wow, I'm really back. And I guess he had been through so much. You know, Susan Terrell from Fat City, they used to say then about her that she would also sort of like collect underdogs, you know what I mean? Like, and hold them tight. There's some people in this town that are really like that and it's a very special thing Because most people are just like well hot or not want to be associated proxy or I don't Paul said to me Oh, I was never surprised when I saw those pictures of you in the gutter or whatever you got to remember

I met your mother. Wow. And it was pretty wild because... Was she a stage mom then, very much? Less of a stage mom, more of like a staged nut job. And I think, I honestly, I don't have a mind that can recall the sufficient force, what it was like exactly. But they're not bad people, my parents, you know?

It's like they're just very untreated. Like in other words, so many things in our modern times, whatever this year is, I'll say 2024. I, discussions happen about sort of mental health and kind of whatever, you know, epigenetic footprint, what have you, like people understand that that's a working part of a dynamic of being a person, a high functioning person

or recovery or whatever it takes. So I sort of, well, only because they're dead. Now I kind of love them, you know what I mean? I think- Well, you have distance too. I mean, that's the ultimate distance actually. Yeah, it was such a relief when they died. I, it's funny that people don't really tether the two,

but it's like, as soon as they died, I was like, okay, now I'll do show business. So it's really only in like the last decade. Up to then I was mostly trying to avoid it because I didn't want these kind of like Lindsay Lohan figured parents in my life on page six, you know? So I was like, I'll just stay here in the shadows until they die and kind of work a little bit here and there. Do you really think you did that because you've worked a lot, you're starting with

Orange is the New Black and you're doing Russian doll. And then, you know, poker face. Poker face, and it's just like there, you've had this unprecedented run of creativity. Do you really think that that was made possible because your parents died? Yeah, I think it's empirical. You know, it's like PTSD. My only diagnosis in a shocking twist, because you'd think I was insane in so many other confirmed ways

Which I believe I am I just can't get a diagnosis I think they're wrong You know You don't really take medication. I guess you do I whatever anyway. Yeah, like for me I would I experience them as as boogeyman, you know, I, whatever, anyway. Yeah, like for me, I would, I experienced them as, as boogeymen, you know what I mean? And like in my waking life and in my night terror life, like because they were fucking insane, you know?

And so I had to get like, I was straining order from my dad or whatever. I remember being really brokenhearted. How old were you when you got a restraining order from your dad? I, well, I was older already because when I was younger, it was harder, I had tried. Like he would show up at things like,

I remember Biju Phillips in the 90s told me, like, yeah, your dad came to set today. And it was like a, remember that weird James Brooks move? No, what's his name? Jim Tobak, me. Anyway, with Mike Tyson in it, is it something black and white you remember this fucking movie? I vaguely do remember this. Yeah, I never seen it. Could you Google that? He's also making you an airline reservation. Oh, thank you so so much. It's really really important

And we made what's called black and white or something. James. Well took... Well, you struggled with that a while and I'll stay here. You're just giving him tasks to keep him busy. Yeah, I just like to stay. I just like to stay. Where is uranium on the elemental charts? And well, anyway, she told me, oh, your dad showed up to set today. Looking for you, he just assumed since it was shooting in New York City and Mike Tyson was in the movie that you were in it, too

It's called black and white. Oh it is. Uh, thanks and uh, and then but there was nothing I could do about that kind of thing then Years later, I guess I was a pi 30 or something which is weird because I'm 27 now someone You there was a singularity and then there was a hole in space. Don't ask them, Tau. Yeah, and so... Don't ask, don't tell. If you see something, say something.

Yeah, definitely. And give a hoot, don't pollute. Anyway, but it's important. These are the truths. A lot of truths are coming out of here. Yeah, and like, don't Google it. Okay, whatever you do. I like the idea of this here,

just a vigorously lie about my age, and it's definitely on Google. But so anyway, then later I was doing this play. It was like a Mike Lee play. And I remember I was so excited. And then I remember seeing my dad from across the room. Like somehow he had found and he had done that also with Slums of Beverly Hills. Like I remember-

Cause you were a kid when you did that. Yeah. I guess I was like 17, 18. But I remember he like showed up to the premiere, but I hadn't seen him in like a decade or something. And he was like... And he just showed up. Yeah, and he was like, hey, bamboo. And, you know, my dad was a boxing promoter from Brooklyn, which is why I never understand why people want to move there.

I'm like, no, the goal is to get out of Brooklyn. But, you know, they think it's hip. It changed a lot. Well, I did it. You know what I mean? I'd argue it's still not in Manhattan. So, as a baseline, geographically speaking, has it changed though?

Oh, I see. They got some coffee shops. Congratulations. Oh, but you still, right. So like, I mean, I see they got some coffee shops. Congratulations. Oh, but you still, right. So like, I mean, I can't, I mean, the one joy in New York is you can fucking come and go as you please. There's like, there's no claustrophobia commitment. Brooklyn is a fucking commitment, like you need an Uber, a subway, a metro car, a taxi, or a very long walk. So anyway, then I remember him being seen across from the Mike Leith and just broke my heart.

Slums Beverly Hills. I remember Rosie Perez and Marissa Tomei kind of like consoling me in the bathroom. It was like three of the thickest accents you'd ever heard. And they're just like, yo, Natasha, like you don't fucking need this shit. Don't let him fucking bring you down. You don't got to go through this.

You know, just fucking do whatever you got to do, but this is your night. It's fucking your night. Don't let that motherfucker haunt you. So he was fucked up like that. And my mother was just nuts nuts. But they weren't really like bad people. And anyway, now that they're dead, I feel safe to kind of really be out there.

And I don't care anymore. You know, it's funny, cause you had all this success early on, and then you decided, I was reading some interview with you, and said like, I don't wanna be on Dawson's Creek. I don't wanna be on the WB. That's not what I want.

Which I think 99% of people in that situation would have said, how do I get on that kind of reality? And that's not what you wanted. No, and yeah, I did not want those things. And I remember my mother being like, why would you turn down Buffy at such a big show? And like, when are you gonna get a boob job? So you couldn't work.

And I was like, yeah, I'm just not putting that shit in my tits, mom. Like, she was like, it would even you out because you got that ass. I was like, well, thanks. And, uh... Oh my God. This is...

Yeah. Oh my God. And, uh... Oh my God. But like, I think that... This is the talk I never had with my parents. Yeah. They'd be such a bird in the beast talk.

No, that's what they told me. the talk I never had with my parents. This is the birds in the peaceproach, no? That's what they told me. No, I was like, yeah, I guess they put me in the business because they wanted to be famous. It was like a proxy proposition, although no one ever really laid it on the table for me. And around then I can remember, sort of like almost like going to auditions by myself in

Times Square like, you know, but taxi driver Times Square and I fucking this Disney shit with the fucking bike lanes and whatever the fuck. I mean, why would you put islands in the middle of the street? It's like, oh, we wanted to make a cramped space more cramped like, all right, you fucking rocket scientist. Jesus Christ. Like definitely New York has run by the mob in a beautiful way, okay?

It is. Whenever you see construction in New York as mafia, you know, it's not real construction. You know that, right? Yes, oh, well, you think I was born yesterday? I definitely don't. I have 42 years ago today. I didn't like that path,

that sort of, you know, Buffy, boob job, fucking famous guy. Now, I think it's sick when people are into it. I don't even know this about you, but I just get the sense that you read a lot. You're crazy intelligent and you read a lot, because I feel like you make a... Do you read widely? Do you read all just different kinds of stuff?

Do you like history? What you read all just different kinds of stuff? Do you like history? What is it? Yeah. I don't think I'm that smart with shapes. But sometimes I know, because I feel like I don't have a high IQ, but then I do see other people try to pack up the car. And then I'm like,

or maybe I do have a high IQ because I see them trying to fit a chair into the trunk like clearly the wrong way. And I'm like, wow, I thought I had a low IQ but I'm watching this guy fucking put this chair and he just can't figure out that's not gonna close but if you just tilt it, all right. And I let him go a while.

And then I help out sort of gently because that's what girls have to do. Uh... And then we got watching a slow motion train. And I said, oh, okay, you thought it there, all right. And sure, let me give it a whirl. I think it's when you were in rehab, you said you walked around

with a giant biography of Rasputin. Oh yeah. And I was thinking, oh, this is my kind of person because I like to read about the darkest, weirdest people. Rasputin has always fascinated me and I just thought, that's how my mind works. I don't want to burst your bubble, but Rasputin, biography was something that I was carrying around while I was on drugs.

In rehab, it was more like I got very into, I was reading Thomas Pinchin against the day. I was so excited when it came out because it was like a thousand pages and there's nothing to do with rehab except, you know, I sit on the sofa and they feed you a lot. And yes, I really associate Rasputin with like a back pocket kind of, you know, New York 90s, like the Mascumbag era. But I remember finding it in my storage space and I saw the same copy of it and I Love it. It's very ragged. I really put that that Rasputin through hell and it's like He's hard to kill famously hard to kill that guy that guy and I was like this shit I fucking took him through though my god, you know, but yeah, I was like, there's shit I fucking took him through though. My God, you know?

But yeah, I was reading a lot and often and widely and also movies, you know, because the film school was so expensive. They wanted like 60 grand a semester or some shit. And I was like, honey, you're nuts. And so what I did, I bought this studio apartment that was Gramercy adjacent. I spent my, I had $100,000 from all of these jobs. It was, I think Krippendorf's tribe is what gave me

that money, which is a blackface movie, if you haven't seen it. It's a Disney blackface picture. And starting Richard Dreyfus. What's it called? Cripp and Dorf's tribe, I remember that. Yes, so the premise is that Richard Dreyfus is an anthropologist whose wife dies

and now he's a sad widower with these two, three kids. And so he decides to create a fake tribe in his backyard. Oh, yes, it's worse than you think. And so then, essentially, it's all of us, Richard Dreyfus, myself and, I guess, the other two sons. I'm the eldest, all in full black face, as tribespeople. Yeah, it's pretty nuts.

You chose a good time to get out, I think. Let's go to a clip. Yeah. 1998. 1998. And so I took that money and I was like, ah, shit, I'll just buy an apartment. Because the other money, all my childhood acting money had been spent already

Not by you. No, and I I thought I was gonna get a Lambo. That's why I was doing it I was I was promised that I was gonna get a Lambo, but I never materialized But I did get a bad credit score early because my social security number was being used frequently. So yeah, going to the film forum for the quadruple feature was so much cheaper than Tish, but it was in rehab that I really started connecting directly to science because in high school it was not my thing. I remember reading this Bill Brason book. Walking the Woods, which one?

No, it's a, I don't know, most short history of nearly everything. Yes, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay, I think I can use that concept as like this higher power concept because it was so impossible to sort of reconcile. Now, whatever, you know, what is this idea of, like an anthropomorphic god or whatever. And I really understood the scope of how little I understood about the world. You know what I mean?

I love inanimate objects and logistics. They seem to be two real troublemakers, you know. You loathe inanimate objects. Yeah. Now, wait a minute. I know what you mean. If you mean what I think you mean, I find that the minute I care about something that I can hold in my hand, I will misplace it fairly soon. And I will spend about six hours worrying about where it is. Even if it costs like $42, I will devote time to being very upset that that thing I liked having, I can't find now.

And then I will find it like six days later in an obvious spot and be way overjoyed about that. And realize that I just ate up more of this precious time on earth, worrying about the $60 Bakelite pen that I bought here in Larchmont that has a cool sort of orange tone to the cap that I liked doodling with. And then it was gone for six days and I was bereft. But now I found it again.

Oh, why would I put it inside a sock? Why did I do that? What made me think of that? But here it is. Yay, I've got that pen back. And it's crazy. And then what, closer to the grave. Good job, Conan.

Good little soap opera. But I mean, I understand what you're saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, exactly what I'm saying. Like, what the fuck are these things? It's like, oh, is this bottle cap? Oh, okay, now you're a magical mystery tour cool. Glad this is fucking happening.

I mean, it's nuts. Okay, I had this moment of awakening. Yeah. When I, years ago in New York, when I worked in 30 Rock, across the street was Christie's auction house. And one day they said, oh, all of the Roosevelt family memorabilia is being put up for auction. And I thought,

well, I got to go check that out. So I went over and it's Franklin, Roosevelt, and Eleanor. And then they had a bunch of kids. And so basically I went and looked and it was room after room after room of all the stuff they had given each other for Christmases going back to like 1922 up until you know past when Franklin's gone and well into the 1950s and it was just case after case after case of stuff that looked like you know it's a tie clip that's a little watch fob oh look there's a little case you can put some pills in oh look there's a little yeah there's a little case you can put some pills in. Oh look, there's a little, yeah, there's a book marker that's made of pewter and it was thousands and thousands of them. It was like the end of Citizen Kane. Well, I looked at all of it and I'm imagining is them unwrapping it on Christmas Day, 1931.

Well, isn't that grand? Thank you. Thank you. Look at that. It's going to hold my tie quite nicely. Thank you. Yay. Christmas 1935. Well isn't that grand. That's going to keep my place in the book. And now everyone's dead. And it's a room full of shit.

And everyone's buying it. And then they're going to give it to somebody. It's going to be like, hey, thanks! That's fucking fantastic! That'll hold my tie in place, and then they're gonna die. Yes! And it's just, then we're just... Ehhhh...

I don't know why that one Christie's option just opened my eyes to what a sham the whole thing is. Yo, I love goth Conan. Well, you're all gonna die, everybody! You're all gonna die, everybody. You're all gonna die. They got Conan's of shit, okay? Because, you know, the facts are that that's all correct. They don't understand about the fucking tight clips. That's all I'm saying. Speaking of surreal, there's one thing I have to ask you about, which is I believe you might

be the last person on earth to work with Marlon Brando. And I just have to ask you about it. Oh, it was wild. I'll go ahead and say it. It was buck wild. I'm glad you had the courage to go ahead with your thought. Yeah. But it was on like scary movie too.

And I remember at the time they hired him, they gave him an amazing amount of money to do a cameoo in this movie. And then they, I think they ended up not using him because he was too ill. Is that right? Yes, sir. So it was a, Keenan Ivey Waynes, the director who I love. Yeah. So when it came in, I was definitely like, yo, hard pass because I don't fuck with

things called scary movie too. And like, that's not what I'm in this for. You know, and I love Billy, I love Billy Freak and I love the Exorcist. Which they parody in that one, yeah. And I actually met him and spent time with him towards the end of his life because he wanted me to be May West in a biopic that I think.

Of course, yeah. But I think originally it was Bat, Midler. That's how your name dropped. So, just like you have to take a pause and hit them with the last name. And... I just call her B, but whatever. You do?

Yeah. You don't call her the Divine Miss M? No, just B. Yeah, well... Oh wait, no, that's Barranco Bono. No, I shit. Oh, shit. How many Bs do you have in your phone?

Do you play the spelling B and connections? It's also priced out as hard, Howard, what's that? You call her a lot, just in that red head clothes. But I'm not on the thread, I'm not in the project. You were on the thread, but you won't answer. Yeah, so anyway, yeah, it was, I was like, yeah, you don't wanna fuck with fucking Linda Blair and fucking Billy Friedkin.

That's nuts. And then they were like, and Marlon Brando is doing it. And your dear heart, Andy Richter. Yeah, Andy was in it as well, yeah. But really Marlon was my way in. At the time I was like, I mean, you know, that's working with brand though. So you gotta do it. You gotta be like, you know, your mother sucks, Cox and Hill. You gotta like, you just, are you going to do it better than she did? You're not. You're going to ruin it,

but it's brand though. And then he shows up and he, uh, yeah, it was, he was very, very old. And ill, I think. Yes, and an oxygen tank and earpieces. And I told this story on your show live, but I guess it's to tape, but, you know. Really? I'm not involved in the editing.

Yeah, yeah. That really didn't need to be qualified. But anyway, go ahead. And if you're not familiar with Conan's work, so there was this talk show and... I love how you get to the part where so Brando shows up. Now, of course, Conan used to tape his show. Now, he'd tape it at 5.30, but it wouldn't air until 12.30.

So there was a lag in which time they could make short edit. You're getting to the best part of the story. And now you're making it longer. I know! Get to Brando! Sorry, we're all gonna die! they could make short edit. You're getting to the best part of the story. And now you're making it longer. I know! Get to Brando! Sorry, we're all gonna die! You wonderful story!

So, as he was like, you know, because of the breathing and, yeah, the bed was sort of one of the gags, it was like a low rider that would move all crazy, like, you know, pit my ride style. Which I think he'd never seen. I don't even know if it was out yet. But, you know, the space time moves in all kinds of directions. It does.

So anyway, he would keep his hand right on my tit. I think as I was in the prosthetics, did not understand that, like, I was a real person at all. You're giving him a lot of credit. And you know, despite what my mother said, it's a fucking nice rack, you know what I mean? So, you know what he was doing? And I was like, wow, this is like a fucking pretty serious day at the office, you know

what I mean? So you're standing there and you're in all these prosthetics. Marilyn Brando, who doesn't have long to live has his hand on your breast For like hours, you know what I mean at a time Like that's fucking Brando. I mean is it fucking you know Big boy Brando. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, um, can he breathe not really but Is he all there? Not really, but, you know, is he all there? I mean, nope.

Is it the sort of acting face off I dreamed of? Well, it's no on the waterfront. It's playing on the waterfront. If you look at on the waterfront, he's got his hand. On Carl Maldon's breast. On Carl Maldon's breast. They tried to cut around it. No, they did.

And yeah, I was like, well, yeah, I guess I am a fucking compender after all and so on. So I was thrilled and delighted. I thought it was fucking pretty special. And yeah, then when he dropped out of the film the next day due to his health and like, I think he died like three weeks later. He died very shortly after us.

So I maybe, I don't want to make it about me, but you know, I'm maybe the last person that he felt up. I don't want to assume that he was kind of, it's like it's not a big deal. It's just sort of like, yeah, pretty much Brandon and I banged it out hardcore, you know what I mean? Like three weeks later he died and yeah, that much Brandon, I banged it out hardcore, you know what I mean? Like, and three weeks later he died. And, you know, that was the last time that he could fucking manage it.

And then the next day they brought in James Woods. And yeah. This is how every story ends. And then they brought in James Woods. So what? Godfather four. Yeah. And then, and he was less of a charmer in the makeup. Less of a charmer than the man on oxygen.

Whose hand is on your breast for six days. Cause he was like, you know, I can tell even with the makeup, you're a spinner, right? Oh my God! No, no, no, no, no. And that was, I thought, I mean, less sexy than, you know, Brando, who was just fucking oxygen, you know what I mean? Pumping and oxygen, it was crazy. No, that didn't happen.

And, yeah, the James Woods one was like, oh, that's weird. But I fucking think James Woods is a great actor, despite the fact that he's a Republican, you know, psychopath, sort of, I don't know, you know, was hitting on me as a teenager and full monster makeup. Uh, shh, I mean. Good Lord.

Pretty specifically. There's a crazy move, dude. He has a type. Yeah, I guess he does. And, uh, but my God, Sergio Leone's once upon a time in America, you know, multiple truth sold. You see all facets of the human condition is what you say. I'm just saying. You see the high and the low.

I mean, he's a fucking, that guy's a great, great actor. And I don't know what the fuck Brando was up to, but it was nothing too kosher himself. I mean, Maria Shire, right? He was just looking, he was just... Last tango, I mean, him and Bertolucci are fucking the shenanigans. They're getting into a net. You don't call that shenanigans. Yeah.

Oh, you call it rape. I see. And yeah, I mean that poor chick, fuck, never recovered from that picture, did she? But I have a real buttery scene. So, multiple truths, you know. There are multiple truths. Yeah.

There are many multiple truths. In a way, it's like, are they time crimes or what? Because I think that just raping and abusing women There are many multiple truths. In a way, it's like, are they time crimes or what? Because I think that just raping and abusing women throughout history has been, you know, for reasons that are very obscure and mercurial, conceptually and morally, would just sort of affect a life. And I don't know, I'm just riffing, like Miles Davis might. I think what comes to mind is me thinking about you going through all this without functioning

parents being really young and figuring it out. And you've come out of it on the other side and you're a remarkably, I think, intelligent person who's also non... There's a complete lack of judgment. You're not judging people. You've been through a lot. I feel like you've been through 50 lifetimes of madness, but you are very even-keeled and you keep bringing up this concept that many things are true, that someone can be a monster, but they can also be a brilliant artist. And then you see all this three, four dimensionality to it, which I think is pretty amazing.

Because I think we live in a time where people just want to hear, is was someone good or was someone bad? Yeah, it's a bummer. And it doesn't work that way. Nope. Yeah. Yup. But that said, I'd like to end on, I think I'm good.

Very good. No, that's not the takeaway from this. I mean, perfect in every way. And there's no like layers. Hard disagree. I wanna make sure I bring this up because you worked with a comic who fascinates me, Jacqueline Novak, you directed and executive producer

special, Get On Your Knees. And she's just not like any other standup I've encountered. She is incredibly literate and almost poetic. John Mulaney. So, ladies and gentlemen, I've seen the Muhammad Ali of comedy about Jacqueline Novak. She is fucking brilliant. And when she's got into this kind of like, I prefer calling doggy style the hounds way.

I was like, ugh. She's talking a lot about, well, she's talking about, she's talking about oral sex. Sucking them cocks, yeah. Sucking them cocks. Sorry, you took the words right out of my mouth. No problem. You took the cock right out of my mouth.

We're all gonna die, so get those cocks out of your mouth. Yeah, oh, I don't, you know what I mean? Gang dog. Gang dog in your mouth, you know what I mean? She's talking about a lot of very graphic stuff, but it's almost like you're listening to, it's almost like it's Emily Bronte talking about it. It's fascinating.

It is, yeah, because. She's great, she's great writer. Yup. You took very good care of her. I mean, that's you. You did a good job. Thank you. And I'm sure that means a lot coming from me. Yeah, no, I actually... Sorry, I just had to put that in. I'm just... because you wouldn't say it, so... but I mean, there's no higher praise. No, I mean, like, to hear that from you,

like, in this moment... Man, you're good. Are you fucking kidding me. You, raise all those reviews on Criterion. Criterion Conan, telling me that that shit is good. That's right, Criterion Conan. Criterion Conan. There's no better guy to get a compliment from.

Yeah, no, but genuinely, hopefully your people, are they followers? Is it a cult? It's a cult. It's a cult. I have certain, as the cult leader, I have certain privileges. Yeah, so I'm glad you've officially endorsed it. And, you know, remember that when you click on the special on Netflix, it's really about a completion, right?

That's how they sort of do it, the streamers, so. Just let it play all the way. That's how the algorithm works. I just want you to- It's both been like a true artist. Yeah. What's it best off in the- Natasha.

Yes, sir. There's no one like you. I've looked. I can't find another Natasha Leone. There just aren't any. So thank you for coming here and sharing your brain with us. That's so cool.

Thank you for saying that I have one. I appreciate it coming from you, sir, genuinely. God bless. God bless and good night. Yes. Bye, thank you. Hey, let's do a voicemail. I agree. Voicemail sounds like a good idea. And hey, if you want to send us a voicemail, just call us. Give us your thoughts.

6, 6, 9, 5, 8, 7, 2-587-2847. That number again, 669-587-2847. We'd like to hear your thoughts and we'd like to reply. Eduardo, you are a go. Hi, my name is Ray. I am calling from the great state of North Kaka'laki. There's a recurring character on the podcast, our late great president or not the great president, Richard Nixon. He's probably one of the most common recurring characters. My question to Conan is, what is the humor in Richard Nixon for you? I would be fascinated to know. This is a very good question.

You know, people always talk about when they were born. But really what's more significant is you have to add like seven years to that because that's when you really come of age. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. So, I'm born in 1963 and then there's a bunch of years there where I'm just, they're just shoving ham into me and I'm slowly growing and my brothers are kicking me and slapping me and whatever,

I mean that sort of state of chaos. And then I kind of start to wake up, slowly realize things around 1968, 69. And the character who fascinates me is this guy Richard Nixon, who gets elected in 68. And so he's the president. And so I was always interested in presidential history

and the president, and I just know that he inspires a lot of comedy. And my parents, to get us to go to sleep at night used to play us comedy records. And these records were made by a guy named David Frye who would make these whole albums. And he did a funny Richard Nixon impression and he would play out all these scenarios. And there were, I think there were four albums

and my parents had them all to get us to go to sleep at night because my brothers and I were rambunctious and we had two sisters too. We were all on the same floor. My mom would just put a comedy album on in the center of the hallway and we would all listen to it as we went to sleep. So I would go to sleep listening to this guy doing these crazy Richard Nixon sketches. Coming from out in the hall? Coming from out in the hall. Our rooms were all sort of right around that central hallway.

So you had the doors open so you could listen. But that's so eerie thinking like Nixon is just floating around in the hall. Well, Nixon also did hang out in our hallway, which was also confusing. Yeah. But anyway, so I grew up with Nixon is just floating around. Well, Nixon also did hang out in our hallway, which was also confusing. But anyway, so I grew up with Nixon is, you know, I am not a crook. And there were all these impressions

and every comedian was doing Nixon material. So you got to imagine, he's just this formidable, he's not just the president of the United States, but also felt like kind of a comedy figure to me, like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I mean, that's in my core DNA. And then all these years later, we'll just be babbling and suddenly Nixon just comes out to make an appearance. And I have to credit this comedian impressionist, David Fry, and also just President Nixon himself, who no one did a better Nixon impression

than President Richard Milhouse Nixon. So yeah, I do think that's just coming from me. That's coming. And also I think there are probably a lot of people. I remember when I worked at the Simpsons, there were these two writers, Oakley and Weinstein, very funny, talented writers. And I went into their office once and they had grown up in the DC area

and they were a couple of years younger than me, but they had a giant the other way. Other people have posters of rock stars. They had posters of all the Watergate conspirators. Oh my God, that's amazing. You have fun on their wall and I'd go in and go, what? And they'd go, oh yeah, no. And it was like flow charts of who is who.

And it was almost like, who's your favorite of the burglars? And now what about the lawyers? You know, are you a Haldeman guy or an Ehrlichman guy? And it was just hilarious. I mean, they knew it was funny, but it was just such a funny thing to joke about. So yes, things burble up from deep within my psyche. And I don't even understand why, Yes, things burble up from deep within my psyche,

and I don't even understand why, but now that this person has called in Ray and brought it up, I'm remembering listening to these records and thinking this is all seeped into my brain as I'm falling asleep every night. Zona, do you have a Nixon impression? No. Would you like to? No, good. Couldn't you try?

No. Come on, just say, I am not a crook. I am not a crook. What? Oh, that's post-stroke Nixon. Let me just be here. Let me just... Okay. Okay, I'll get your check for the podcast. Yeah, thank you. I have actually zero to add to this conversation. No, no, here you go. I don't know what the fuck you guys want me to say. No, no, it's fine. I didn't grow up during mixing. I have no fucking idea.

Listen, if you had grown up. I do not know how to add to it. Thank you very much. There you go. I have nothing to add. It is fascinating. Hey, let me just be here. All right. Oh, and by the way, I think it's time for a raise.

Yeah. I think it's two little something extra in my paycheck. Okay, well, do you mind if maybe you could just give us a little Nixon? Fuck you. Pay me. Fuck you, pay me. What?

I don't know what to do. I don't do impressions. What? I hired you for your impressions. I don't do impressions. To your French guy you for your impressions. I don't do impressions. To your French guy. Don't make me do these now. Come on, French guy.

Oh. I don't know why the cigarette always comes up. From Paris, I tried to run the baguette, he made a bicycle. That's why when I saw that, I thought she does impressions. She's got, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Yeah. I like your first guy was just the tip of the iceberg. Yeah, yeah. I like your first guy was just a French guy orgasming.

Ugh. Ugh. You mean a French guy? All right. What? French guy biting into a baguette. Ugh. All right, I think we answered that question.

Yeah, clearly. Yeah, Nixon, man, keep the dream alive. Yeah. Nixon 2024. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf,

theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy of Avino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe

to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.