Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nate Bargatze

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

Comedian Nate Bargatze feels a heaviness about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nate sits down with Conan to discuss accusations of mundanity, fulfilling his dream of performing at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville, designing an amusement park, and his iconic George Washington sketches on SNL. Later, chaos erupts as Conan and his team attempt to level the playing field with gender-equal slang. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Hi, my name is Nate Bargettze And I feel a heaviness about being Conan O'Brien's friend All right, now what's the heaviness about, Nate? I think you come with a lot You are correct Give the man his prize money Yeah Fall is here, hear the yell

Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes Walk and lose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends

Hey there Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a friend I am Conan O'Brien And Sonomae Sessian is right next to me Drinking a massive glass of water It is massive And you're taking this really weird

Over-articulated sip And then here's Matt Gourley doing, creating characters in real time. I'm scared of it spilling again. And then Eduardo getting mad at us. Eduardo is very, very strict about liquids getting anywhere near the electrical ports. Because both of you have spilled water.

Yes. And you have not? Oh, I'm perfect. I never spilled. I don't know podcasting. I care about equipment. You can jerk, but it's true. Okay.

Yeah. You did spill one time. Well, I didn't. Big bag of D's nuts. Hey! Listeners, we were, listeners, we were chatting just before we went on mic. Sona was doing tons of D's Nuts jokes. I became.

During a very important meeting. I became irritated and said, what was the beginning of all the D's Nuts thing? We all started trying to plow into how D's Nuts got started. And then, Eduardo, you had a theory. Yeah, Dr. Drey on the chronic album in 1992, had a track called These Nuts. Do you think that started it or do you think was it a thing before that? In terms of pop culture, I think, absolutely. I'm sure it came well before that.

But I know that D's Nuts really took off when. When did it really take off where? What was the heyday of D's Nuts? This is a real nerdy conversation. And can we have a D's Nuts? You don't analyze D's Nuts. You just do it. Now, you say D's nuts a lot?

I do. I say a lot of like guy stuff. Like, suck this. What? I don't want to say suck my dick, but I sometimes say. I know, that is what I say, but I felt really gross being like very vulgar right away. But, yeah, sometimes I tell people suck my dick. Right.

And is that a common thing for women to say they have a penis, even if they don't have a penis? No, it's not common. So you're an uncommon? I'm unwell, I think is what it is. And that's a regular thing you've been doing for years is telling people to suck your dick? Yeah. And then once on Broad City, Alana Glazer's character says to another guy, she goes, suck my dick.

Yeah. And did you high-five the screen at that moment? Yeah. Did you feel robbed? Yeah. And so did Caitlin Olson's character. And it's always sunny in Philadelphia.

Yeah. This is what I know. Yeah. You know, Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Yeah. You know the Civil War. Civil War.

I know suck my dick when a woman says it. Now, what if our two interests coincided? And I was talking about a guy in the Civil War who said suck my dick. To General D's nuts. of the Union Army. Yeah. And General Lando Calrissian was there as well. Yeah.

General Lando Carisian. All our worlds came together and it meant the end of the world. It was matter meeting anti-matter, meaning what's the matter? Oh, come on. So what about now? You're a mom now, which still horrifies me. I know, me too. What happens if your kids hear you, maybe they're in their room playing with what Soviet toy your husband gave them?

and what you know that little play with american toys too oh now they have those wow what a country wow i came there once and there was a little wind-up gorbachev with lead paint on it it just says over and over again what's happened to the wall where's the wall um but you so anyway if you're if you're and tack are having an argument and the kids hear and you shout at tack suck my dick oh these nuts um i I never say it in a serious setting. Oh, that's okay. So they're not a serious setting.

I've been to your house. It's not a serious setting. Yeah, but it's not like I say it jokingly. Like, suck me dick, you know? And your kids know the difference. I don't actually have a penis. And it's okay. That's the joke.

Who knows? But my thing is. I know. Oh, okay. Just check when you get home. But my question is this. If I find one. Yeah.

Whoa. Where have you been? I go months at a time without seeing mine. I censor myself, but during this conversation, like, you know how Robocop has that readout? I've had all these things come to mind to say, and I have cut every single one of those. Not me. I don't have one of those. My screen broke a long time ago.

Clearly, I don't either. What are you cutting out? Why would you do that? I don't know. It's just us, man. We're just having a good time. Yeah, us and a million listeners. Why am I the only one who says things like this?

If you censor, you can't censor. We can't, we don't. I normally don't. He normally doesn't. But his. not censoring is different than you're not censoring. He'll think, oh, I could make a Landau-Calritsian reference. No, that's not

true. But I think I won't. This time because she was saying... But you're thinking about, you're talking about dicks and cocks and you know... And that's why I'm censoring myself because I was going to say milk these titties. See, that's why I said to my... You know what, you should have censored yourself. I know. It's too late now. I know.

But you know what, that's not a saying. You can't just... You can't just say this. That's going to catch on like wildfire. No, it's not because it doesn't roll off the tongue, milk d but d's nuts it's just bang it's done no but that's also you can say that to a lactating woman but not every woman's lactating every guy has nuts you could say d's nuts no i think hiller is missing one no that's i think that's not true you could say d's nut if it if someone's lost one you

ds nuttiz nut but with the ds ds you know what you know what i said milk these tities can say this both of you milk we were talking about this is very hard to do matt but we were talking about d's nuts and you took us down the wrong path, which is next to impossible to do on a discussion of D's nuts. Well, wouldn't it be singular?

It would be singular on nuts. Wouldn't it be singular? What? How did D's Nuts get boring? There are adolescent kids right now going, this D's Nuts conversation isn't panning out. No, I'm not going to wrap.

No, can we also talk? D's Nuts came out when 1992? Yeah. I mean, she's been going strong for over 30 years. I think it's he's been going strong. If ever it's been he. She's been going strong. That's impressive.

Okay. I want to say before this has taken down another unceremonious path that we were talking about the beginning of a great American phrase. And I thought that was a worthwhile discussion. And I'm glad that we did it. I don't think milk these tities is going to become a thing. Oh, you'll see. I think we should sell Team Cocoa merch with that phrase on it. Milk these tities, I will not be wearing those.

And I get 100% of the income of that because I think. I not only coined, but crafted that. Should it then be parentheses, lower down the T's, and not D's nuts? Yeah. To incorporate the earlier, more popular phrase to give a turbo boost to the milk these titties. I don't think it needs it. I think milk these tities works on its own. How about we make them both, one polyester, one cotton, and we see if it catches on?

You can't milk nuts. Well, you can, actually. All right. We'll take a break. We just found out that our funding from PBS has been cut, says right here. And, Sona, you go and read up on some basic biology. Let's get into it. Yeah.

Well, anyway, my guest today, very, I mean, Sona. What are you? I'm sorry. What's that? Nothing. My robocop thing is going off. And I'm saying, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. If Sona's editing herself, it's time to call. Now I really want to know. Ripley's believe it or not. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on his big, dumb eyes, world tour. God, he's good. Tickets are available at Nate Bargotsie.com. We're thrilled he's here today. I love him.

Hilarious comedian, lovely fellow. Nate Bargazzi, welcome. We've known each other a long time. I met you. What was the year that you first came on my late night show? 2008. You're my first late night appearance. Yeah. And I think I saw somewhere you were describing the experience of pulling up to 30 Rock,

and you hadn't done a late-night show before? No. Were you nervous about that? Well, you said that this is where I didn't know in New York, they go limos will come pick you up, but it's just a town car. But I'm from Nashville, so I'm like, you're just throwing the word limo around.

I'm expecting a real limo. Yeah. But it was just a town car. You're like, all right, you know. I mean, I was still excited, but it was like, all right, a little deflating. I thought it was going to be a limo. and then you wanted to put your head through the window

like you're on prom night he was wearing I remember he came on and he was wearing a low-cut dress yes yeah he was all excited for prom and a corsage they uh so then we pulled up front it was me and my wife and then all the there's people got cameras taking pictures of the

guests that are going to be on Conan coming out of the car and so right when they pull up I'm like ah this is not going to be good you know because I'm just my first time doing late night. Julie Lewis Dreyfusson, I think, was on the show. So they're looking for that. And then I come out, and right when I walk out,

one of them goes, it's nobody. Oh! And, yeah. And then one guy did take a picture. He didn't even hold it up to his eye to make sure he just kind of held it down. Shot it from his chest, yeah. And he goes, I guess just because he saw him, he's like, yeah, might as well just see if something, maybe he's.

And you could hear him press delete. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a very audible sound. Trust me, many of paparazzi has deleted the photo while I'm standing there. You know what happened, too, on my first one with you, because I always said with comedians, if we mess up on stage, because you're up there alone. And so when you usually, like, right when you get off stage, if you did said something wrong, you're saying it to whoever the first person comes near you, because you just haven't talked to anybody. And I messed up a – I don't know one would even be able to tell, but in my head I knew I messed up a joke.

And when you came over and you're like, Ney Bargetti, and you're like, all right, whatever. And then you shake your hand again. I go back to your guy, I think I messed up that one joke. And you're like, I don't. All right. And then we just walked back. Like there was, they wasn't like it was a, you know, it was like, I stumbled a word.

Yeah. But I remember just, I always tell people that story. Like the first thing I said to Conan when he comes over, I'm like, I think I messed up. You're like, I don't. All right. It's all good. It's all good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, I'm a huge fan of yours. and it's nice because I've encountered you a bunch of times out in the world. You were at the S&L 50th, and I don't know if you remember, I mean, I certainly remember it, but I got invited by Martin Short, like, do you want to come have dinner with, Steve and I are going to have some caviar and champagne the night before the 50th, you know, to sort of pregame. I thought he was joking about the caviar and champagne, and I show up, and it's the two of them there, and you're there too.

And I don't know about you, but I, I will never be jaded about Steve Martin and Martin Short. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And so I was just, I think like you, just happy to be there, you know. I was, yeah, I just happened to punt. I was walking out and they were like, hey, we're going up to have dinner. They didn't tell me you were coming and they just said, we're going up to have dinner.

And they're like, and I was actually funny. I was going to meet Spade. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, all right, let me go out there. And like, I just went up and sell them a little bit. And I'm kind of like, I got to, you know, I need to get out of here. Yeah. And but it's crazy because you're talking to Steve Marrador. And then Conan, then you come. And then you're like, I mean, it's just sitting there. You're like, this is the most real dinner. I've never read caviar. That's the first time I met caviar. I'm not a fan of caviar. Yeah. Were you, did you like it? I liked it there, but I could have been swept up in the moment. I'm not against. It's off brand for you.

Yes. Yes. And I could have just been in that moment being like, it's the best thing ever. I was really happy because we got to hang out a little there and then after the Oscars I go to this after party I think it was a Vanity Fair party and I run into you and a friend and I think I talked to you guys for a long time I felt like safe with you guys like this will be nice I can hang out with these guys

we did too yeah I think comedians are kind of just tend to go I don't you know because when you had those parties you're like I don't know what I'm going to say to yeah half these actors like I don't you know it's like But with us, we just went over there and we all just hung out and it was the best.

Just found a corner and then just chewed the fat. It was really fun. There's a safety when you feel it with other comedians that you're like, you know you're not going to say anything wrong where no one's going to get mad. You said two things that were wrong and I got real mad.

Yeah, yeah. But those are, you know. You said my lips are thin and unappealing. You talked about my prominent eye vein. That's what I told my buddy Nick I think we've got to get out of here. Conan's pretty upset. I've been delighted for everything you've made happen.

You are spectacularly funny. You talk a lot about how you're all about normal. You're just a normal person. You're exactly average. And I think you've been very good at comedically exploring that realm. And I understand what you're saying. But you're also not. You are insanely talented.

When I watch you do comedy, you have such a natural style that I don't think your heart rate increases at all. When you go from backstage to you get up on stage, I think you burn maybe three calories, the whole set. I put on calories. I'm always watching you gain weight. Usually around the middle. He's getting bigger. By the end of it, he's big. But, you know, there's such a.

economy of words. There's not a wasted word anywhere in there, but it appears as if you're just talking about what's on your mind. And I know there's a lot of thinking and work that goes into that. But you make it look like anyone can do this. And I think that in that way, you are anything but average. I think you're quite singular in your ability to do that. I'm the greatest average. Yes, you are. That's what I have a special call the greatest average American. I was talking about Tennessee with... Well, then thank you for saying all that stuff. Okay.

That's not, yeah. I was going to go into like a Tennessee bit now. Wasn't a bit? And I don't even address that. I'm not going to do a bit. I wasn't going to do a bit. Hold on a second. Let me black out this tooth.

Yeah, wee, where, way, way. If those revenues come from my still. There, I had to get that out. Yeah. No, it was good. Well, I meant everything I said. But I also, I love how I don't think so many people are altered by fame. You seem like someone who has not changed in any way.

I hope not. I mean, it's, yeah, you just do crazy things. I live in Nashville. I live, we live in a cul-de-sac. Like, I mean, we keep everything as normal as we can. Yeah. And moving back home was a big part of that. But I appreciate saying that about the words, because it is, it is conversational.

And people think it's just like, I'm up there just talking. But it's, I'm not a great. I've never was a crowdwork person. I can't. I'm not good with, I don't like, I like knowing what I'm doing. It's very planned. And I know what I'm going to get on with,

get out with. I make sure it's all trained. Like it is a, yeah, it's a whole thing. Well, I'm going to be boring for a second because this is something I want to know.

And sometimes I think there might be people out there to think, oh, don't, you know, when Conan talks about comedy or they might think it gets too nerdy and in the weeds. But I'd love to know what your process is. do you, when you think of these ideas,

do you sit down and write it out? Or is this something, and you edit it and you work it? Or how does it work? How does Nate-Worgatzi do this? I write the, a lot of times I come up with the funny part first. Yeah. And so I'll put that maybe in my notes on my phone, but I don't write out outside of that.

Then I just think about it. And I just, and I'm really big on how you present it in the transitions and how you get. I think that's something that I've learned over time, that it's like the jokes, you know, when you write a script or anything, where you want to go joke, jokes are the easiest thing for comedians especially. It's like, that's going to be easy. We can go throw a script down and everybody can pitch 500 jokes on it. But it's making it make sense and make it. And that's got a flow. And that's the part that I'll let it sit in my head. I just kind of think about it all day.

And I just like, there'll be different times. I'm like, oh, you know what, I'll put that there. Maybe I grabbed one lid. I had a joke. The big one that I talked about, so I had a joke buying ice coffee with milk at Starbucks that everybody talks about. So I tried to originally write to come up with a joke about how with milk. You don't buy it. Like, I never have it unless, like, a woman was in my house.

So my mom, we had milk, and then the little bit, the hour I was lived alone until I met my wife. There was no milk. and then back of my wife now we have milk So it was just I try to make that a whole This is the service women provide Yes With them comes milk

In many ways In many ways Yeah they're good This is what They have milk So it's like they're It's just in them You know

Ironic that the providers of milk Also insist milk be present But anyway we'll get into that later This is funny This is the part I go No you can leave this in I let you leave it big a zero, yeah. But anyway, so it was the idea of that.

And then I could never make it work as its own joke. So in that Starbucks joke, I just put, like, I've never bought milk publicly in the history of my life. So all of that whole, you hope it's going to be this big chunk, and it's not. And it becomes one sentence in a story, but that it really expands that story. So I grab a lot of stuff for part.

and you go, all right, well, I can't. Obviously, it's not good. It didn't work as good as, this is the best that's ever worked, to be honest. By the way, it's, uh, yeah. And Sona's a tough audience, he said lying. You talk about little jokes. You had a, it's a small, it's not like a big hunk,

but you have this small run where you talk about, um, how you'd be a terrible time traveler because you'd go back in time and you wouldn't be able to prove that you were from the future because you don't know how anything works. And I, the minute you laid out the premise, I, like, lay down on the floor and said, okay, I love this premise because it's true. I mean, I love jokes about history, and I'm kind of fascinated by history, and I work that vein a lot. But I also know that if they sent me back in time, I would be of lily use.

But you talk about how you couldn't prove it because you'd say, oh, no, we have something called cell phones. Well, how do they work? I don't know. And I thought the ideas are so fantastic because, A, they're true and they're really elegant. And obviously, you put yourself down a lot, which appeals to me because I was always very comfortable making fun of myself. If I do find out that I've hurt someone's feelings, if I ever found out that I really did bother Matt or Sona, I think I would be sick to my stomach. Oh, yeah, yeah. We should tell you then.

some things. Can't hear you. Eduardo just killed the something's wrong. I can hear him just fine. No, no, no, I think it's on the wire on my end. We'll just start making a list.

But anyway, I agree with that. Yeah, I would feel mortified if I hurt someone's feelings. And that's why I always wrote it inwardly. Like, if you make fun of yourself, you can go as far as you want. There's a, there is something you got to do. You can't, you can make fun of yourself,

but you have to do it. You just have to show love, is what I've learned over it. time so like even if you talk about your family or wife or even yourself you have to at least show some love or people won't go with it when i first started doing jokes about my wife which is it was i could tell when they when i was younger they were like well why are you even married you're like well this is not coming out the way it's supposed to be coming out then yeah i need to and you have to have that balance where i can make fun of her but me and i kind of do it through me a little bit more and

as long as you're making fun of yourself and putting yourself as the you know the loser I think you're right. When you talk about love coming out of it, affection, being good-natured about it. I think those are all crucial. And you can't come up with that as a formula that I think has to be in you. That has to be part in your personality. And I know you were raised. I mean, you've talked a lot about it. There's probably nothing I can bring up on this podcast that you haven't discussed. But your childhood, your parents having really strong values and imparting that to you. You did this, I mean, this great thing that I thought was hilarious where you're over at friends houses and you're watching they're going to watch a movie that's Friday 13th Friday the 13th and you stood up and said I cannot watch this you do the joke because it's really I mean I I forget I did I blanket on it now oh you say I know I say I'm not allowed to I don't think I'm allowed to watch this yeah and you're and I thought other people would join in yeah and you stood up and declared we were not 17 like it said we're supposed to be.

Right. You were 16 and a half. Yeah. But my favorite part, you say that, and the woman, the mom there, comes in and says, well, maybe we just don't tell your parents. And you said, well, that's going to be hard because I just phone them and they're on their way.

Such a great joke. Yeah. Your stuff is really funny. see crazy exaggeration in there a lot of it feels true i will crazily exaggerate when it's necessary but i have found that the hardest laughs come out of something that really happened yeah yeah it's and that's the fun part is like trying to figure out how to because you can have little moments uh and so how do you like even in that moment is like it's a funny idea that the kid that i called my parents and i went home is what really happened and then but then it's like how do you tell that in a way

that's like not just a fun you know like your friend at his school oh my kid went into this real fast yeah so it's and that's the presentation of it and like to tell them on the journey is like because it's one little thing that you're like everybody's had happen to them but it's how do you package it so they go along with it you know one joke that i had that i wouldn't tell you is uh when i did when you were here in uh la when he first in tbs and i had a joke about getting in a fight my buddy took a i took a bite out of his hamburger and then uh he thought He just immediately thought someone else did it at the restaurant. He got up to go fight on them, and we had to, like, calm him down.

And it's a whole story with, and, but I, this was back when I sent that joke into Letterman to do it. And they told me it was mundane. And so I had to look up, I didn't know what mundane meant. And so I was in my head, I'm like, I bet it's not great. Like, I don't, you know. I picture you carrying a dictionary. Oh, yeah. I was on a rope around your neck

I looked at it so mundane wasn't good it wasn't a flattering thing but then I was you know I think I just did yours I couldn't do that you used to be doing all these late nights but then I went to you and you let me do it

and that always meant the most to me because I told Letterman this he was mortified I was glad I was glad to like it felt it was like you know because there was a joke that I was like once I learned what mundane meant

I was like well I don't think it's that yeah But it's, you, you've always let comics us come on your show and do stand-up and was very pro-stand-up. And so you were, yeah. Oh, well, I'm glad it all worked out. The way, my perspective is always different. I've had stand-ups, many stand-ups thank me for their time on the show. And I think, what are you talking about?

You came in, Nate, four times, and you were really funny for six minutes, made the show better, and brought your talent. and put your shoulder to the wheel and that was six minutes that I didn't have to sweat so it's not that I didn't you were doing me a favor too that's true yeah you should present me

and frankly I found that story very mundane he told everyone all the writers we got a mundane one tonight I think I said it in your intro our next mundane comic hails from old Hickory Tennessee

don't worry folks he doesn't know what that means I come out oh you know what reminds me this great Thank you. You came up and you were holding

the dictionary. Like, what? You remind me a lot and this is the highest compliment I can pay any stand-up or any comedian.

You remind me a lot of Bob Newhart in that your stuff is, I'm sure you've heard this before, but very seemingly simple and delivered very quietly and as if it's just

occurring to you in a very humble way with a straight face. And the jokes are beautiful. And you just reminded me of a Bob Newhart joke. Bob Newhart has this joke, which is, you know, I don't really like country music, but I don't want to condescend to those people who do.

And by the way, if you like country music, condescend means to talk down to it. And I always thought, like, that is a perfect, I've said this before, but a really good joke. You can riff and you can goof around, and it's like there can be a good spirit to it, but it's like packing peanuts that come when you open a box. It's, there's not much to it.

really good joke feels like a diamond in your hand. It has weight. It's like a little gold ingot. You can feel it. That's a joke. Newhart's joke and your jokes feel like, oh, no, no, no. This has actual value. You can write this on a stone and hand it to people in like 500 years from now. It's still going to be funny. You've got so many of them. You're crazily prolific. And I think one of the times you came on our show, you had, I think you came on a second time or a third time pretty quickly after the first time. After the first time, you came back pretty soon, and people were saying, well, you can't come back that quickly because how you got- My manager told me. I didn't tell them. They, well, you just had Malaney, so this is a long term. So, Malaney just did it, and Malaney came back

pretty quick. Like, I mean, like, you know, three months or something like that. And so then you all were doing more auditions at this comedy club Eastville. And I was like, oh, I want to try to do it again, then my manager at the time, which they were great. I mean, they, like, but they're, they're, they're like, Some of my favorite managers, but they all just, he was back in the day, New York days. And they were, they go, you can't do it again. And I was like, why not? And they go, they don't let people come back. I go, well, Janelian just came back.

Not saying I was even Malaney, but just like being like, well, I just, there's a guy. Give it a shot. And so they go, no. And then I just got the, I was like, well, I'm going to go try to get on the thing. So I just did the, I went and did it and the audition, and I got it without them. They found out, I wasn't going to tell them. I was just trying to see if I could get on the show and then have them find out with me on the show

because my own managers were like, which is very funny to be your own team's like, I wouldn't even try again. He goes, we got lucky with that first one. So let's not push it. You should probably just, you should go work at the steel mill now. He goes, John Mullaney did it. You're no John Mullaney.

All right? I think we know what we're talking about. These are great managers. You want to do comedy some more? Yeah. Isn't it something you do once and then you work the fields? They were, they're the best. Sure, yeah.

You won't meet them. And I guess you're still not with them. I feel bad. No, I'm not with them anymore. Well, I guess they really are the best then. They're the best. It's, I had the most fun stories. Like, it's like, you know, it's when you first get managers.

Yeah. You're like, they're just very fun stories. And so then I went and did it. And then they, Conan, your people call. which I didn't know what they were going to do. And they go, all right, we got Nate tonight on, whatever. And so then he's like, so you got it? I go, well, you told me I couldn't do it again.

And so then he came down. And then we did it. And he took a commission on the thing that he didn't get you. I like it. Trust me, I've had my experience at that in the early days. You can't do that. Oh, I understand it's happening. Send the check to 1515, Milster Boulevard.

Okay, you called me a loser. Yes, you are. the check just to me, not to anyone else. Sorry, I used to have another manager that when I first got it, I would call his office and his wife was the secretary and then he would answer the phone or she would answer it, be like, let me see if he's in. And it would be like 35 minutes, a minute, you'd be waiting and then just like, he's not here. And then one day he invites me to his office. His office is in his garage and her desk is touching his desk. So then you're like where were you for the men and then I it was just and at another one where the guy would

he would answer his phone and you could tell it was his voice and he'd be like uh answering for his name and then you'd be like oh is he there's a snake calling he goes uh let me see if he's in and then you hang up and he again you wait a minute and he goes hey yeah I'm in you're like Yeah, that was you. You're acting like your own secretary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to love, in the old days, it was fun. I would, when I got treated like that, to say,

well, was it someone else's turn with the phone booth? I was pictured these people in a phone booth. Yes, yes, it's quite busy here at Talent Co. You called it a good time. Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. That's your third quarter. When are you going to get out of the way so I can make my call? My wife says.

labor, come on. Well, the reason most people don't repeat that quickly is that they build up a really good set and it takes a long time for the well to refill. And to your credit, and I'll say this about John Mullaney too, you guys are crazily prolific. Which brings me to my next point. You have had, I can't walk five feet in America without seeing your face. You are a huge success. And I'm wondering how you're processing all of that. Yeah, it's very different. I think you get used to it or you're not used to it but you know

some of the hardest parts of this is when you don't know if they know you because then I can't I don't know what to do I'm either going to be a lunatic to this person or like why is he acting

like he has control of the whole room or they are fans I don't know so I always thought well if I can get everybody to know then I'm a little more in control so if you walk in a room

you can just be like hey what's up and you kind of know they know you so you can kind of make everybody feel like a room and we're all friends and so when you're in that middle phase where it is straight up 50-50 if you I can't tell if are they you know do they know and then you'll be like I'm a comedian they're like yeah I know and you're like well you gave off like you didn't know at all right and so

I you're screwed either way if you say um hi yeah um I ordered a coffee and it's for Nate Bergots yeah we know yeah you're Nate and so but if you say say we are I ordered a coffee and I think you know who I am you're a dick too yes yes it's a hard balance in an overall perspective how I try to handle it that's a deeper feeling is I really try to remind myself that it's not about me and so I'm living a life of service right before I go on stage I remind myself this has nothing to do with me this is not about me it's not a celebration of me it's a show for everybody in that crowd and I need to do the best show for them that's great And so that's how I've, I learned that once I, I did.

So starting out, I always wanted to play Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. And it's our arena. And so, you know, 20 years, I like, I didn't really think I would get there, but I kind of daydreamed, you know, I was handing out flyers in New York City and all this stuff. And you're coming up and you're like, oh, man, what if I can do this one day? And then. That was sort of the bucket list thing. I want to do Bridgestone Arena.

Yeah, yeah, it was just kind of far away. and you, you know, it's kind of danger. It's like, I'm not, it's a, it's a goal that your, your goals should actually be simple. They should be like you'd be embarrassed if you can't get them. And then your dream should be embarrassed to say them out loud. And so you just kind of have your goals are like, I'm trying not to hand out flyers. Well, what do I got to do to stop that? And that's a, that's a realistic goal because you're like, it's just a guy one level.

It's achievable. Right. And so you can then figure out, all right, I got to do this. How do you get on late night? And then once you get in late and you're like, all right, I've kind of got in, like, so if I keep doing late night I can get TV credits. I can do cruise ships if I have to. Like, you can do whatever with, you know.

But then when I did Bridgestone and we sold the most tickets ever. 250 people. 250 people. It's a big room. I just looked it up. It's a very, he says arena, and that's cute. It's an actual bridge made of stuff. It's a horse arena.

There you go. And I'll see it. I thought about a small dream. Yeah. No, how many people is it? Bridgestone. It's 19,000. $360.

And then so. but it's that night I remember having a feeling of like like what what am I like what do you you know I've been looking at that dream for 20 years and so then you're like well what is there what am I looking at now you know and then you just got to kind of find and what I've started with like my mainland company is like you just find something else that you you realize like oh I need to have something else yeah and you put it out there and then have a daydream and do the same do the same thing See if it happens. This is amazing.

You're going to make, you call it an amusement park? Yeah, I guess, I guess I'm going to find out. I'm going to call it. This was not amusing at all. Yeah. I was not amused. We want to be a decent park.

Yeah. Just where people. You set the bar low. Yeah, yeah. A place you can go. We're a little bit above the Buckees. Like it's Buckees, then we're just a little bit above Buckees. A B amusement park.

Yeah. The amusement park. Well, I mean, good luck with that And I just love the idea of you looking at different People are going to be making sketches and drawings Of different rides and things And you're going to be saying, nah, or a little more of this A little bit of much steeper

Yeah, steeper More danger Is there a mascot? Is there going to be like a mascot of you? No, I don't know. Look, I mean, this is, so this is, we're very early. Obviously, this could all crumble and fall apart and goes nowhere.

The idea of it is like theaters. I don't think theaters are like, you know, they're not going away. Like, people love going out and to do stuff. And there's just not stuff for them to go do. So if you can go make movies where a family can go out, I love taking my daughter to the movies. It's a great experience. A lot of this, Hollywood, I would say Hollywood out here,

but they've gotten so far off where they're either making an animated movie or a horror movie. And there's nothing really to go to. And then a lot of stuff's on Netflix. So you're just kind of at home. So I think experiences is something that, you know, you're seeing even younger kids really want to do experiences. They want to go do something. You know, the idea of like,

we used to get dropped off at the theme park at Opera Land and you could just go hang out of your friends all day. And you want to, like, I want to give that to a parent because that's like even for that kid, like they get to go be around their 15-year-old friends. And it's part of growing up. And it's the fun aspect and have a safe place for them to go do that

where you know you can trust they can do it. Like, you know, I like the old time. I mean, like, people worked at Ford. Their whole family worked for Ford. Like, you know, the idea of that where people just worked at this company and they had real pride, even if you see like an older person that worked for like a Ford, they will defend Ford to their death. And I like I loved, I love the like pride of whatever they did that it was like a company.

My first car that I bought was a Ford and the first new car that I had. I had a lot of crappy old cars. Your Ford Taurus? My Ford Taurus. Yeah. And guess what? They just found it. It was involved in a crime.

Did you try to take it for insurance reasons? No, I'm telling you, this is a true story. Three days ago, I get a message from Jason Chalemi, who's been with me forever, who's my right hand. And he said he knew someone who worked over at Warner Brothers, and he asked them to drop by their parking garage and just look around. And they sent back photos of the 92 Ford Taurus that I owned that I had through. I got that show I mean I got that show it is a show it's a super high output

I got that Ford Taurus I got that Ford Taurus when my 20s and I had submitted a packet to the Simpsons and didn't know it was going to happen and I was so cautious about money but I just decided I'm getting a new car and I get a 92 Ford Taurus

and then I got the job of the Simpsons so that became my car in L.A. And I had all these adventures in that car and it became a standard thing that everyone knew about me. Yeah. And it always got a laugh. It would come up a lot of times with celebrities where they would say, well, I drive a,

I just got a new Ferrari or something. They go, what do you drive Cohen? I'd say, 1992 Ford Tourist, S-H-O, super high output. And it would get a laugh. And I'd be like, no, I'm being honest. That's what I really have. What are you going to do with it now that you found it? I want to get it.

I want to chronicle this, but I want to get it rehabbed and bring it back. And I'm so excited. It is covered in grime. This person took photo. which we can post. It is covered in dust, but it's got its inspection sticker from 1992.

Yeah. It was just on a lot? It's in the parking garage. At this moment, at Warner Brothers, I don't know why they haven't towed it away. It's got, we did a bit with it when I went through the whole Tonight Show thing where I'm coming to work,

and I assure the audience, I think it has a little tension with NBC right now and we shot this thing where I pull in to the parking lot and suddenly all this gunfire breaks out. and all these squibs went off in my car, and it blew holes in my car. Oh, those holes still there.

Their holes are still there. And its claim to fame is that the clutch is stripped because Brad Pitt did a bit with it once and got in it and peeled out, which I didn't know he was going to do. It's got a stick shift, and it's this Ford Tours of the stick shift. That's the novelty.

And he peeled out in this thing, like the F-1 Superman that he is. And later on I noticed, Oh, the clutch is all fucked. Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. And who can say that? Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. So I want to bring it back.

Maybe you and I'll take a ride around. Yeah, I would love it. I like a stick shift. I have a stick shift too. Yeah. I have a joke, if you ever want to, if you want to valet and leave your car up front, just drive a stick ship.

Because they don't. They don't want to deal it. Like, I mean, no, if they're younger, they don't know how to do it. And if they're lucky, they got like a cook in the kitchen. That's like, That hasn't done, like he goes out. He's like, all right, everybody turn around.

Don't look at me. No one look at what I'm doing because he's got to get back into it. He used to, it's how he learned, but he's like, give me a second. It's been a while. Turn your backs. Hold on. Foot buckets over your heads. I have to ask you because a couple things.

One, you talk a lot about these restaurants that were your favorites when you were a kid and they're still your favorites. Like you talk a lot about Applebee's, places like that. And I was thinking, I relate to this because when I first came out to L.A., I think I was pretty, I was not a worldly person, but I remembered when I first, when I get out of college, I come out to L.A. and I was so excited. There was a Denny's across the street from where I worked. And I could, I remembered it dawning on me. No one's in charge of me anymore. And I'm making my own money. I can go to Denny's anytime I want. And I felt like I was the king of the nine. You know, I felt like the greatest, and I would go over there and I'd be like, I'll have an extra large Coke and no one can stop me. And I'm 22.

You'd think I'd have been a little more sophisticated, but I've always had a soft spot for those places. I relate to that so much. I think I have a big problem because of that reason. Like he was like getting all this fast. I like, not that you can't eat it, but I eat it so much and it's that aspect because no one can tell me I can't do it.

Yeah. Because growing up, if you went to McDonald's or went out to eat, it was kind of like a big night. It wasn't like you weren't getting it all the time. Right. So it was a big deal. And then once I, you live on your own and you make your own money.

And then you're like, I can just go, I mean, I can go to McDonald's like at any point. And now we've got down a little slippery slope. I had, my dad was a lovely man and never got angry. But when he did get angry, it was always about the smallest thing. thing. And I remember my brother Justin tells me this story, but he got us food from McDonald's and we came in and we were, I mean, again, I cannot stress enough what a lovely man my dad was. But he starts unpacking all the McDonald's food. And then he realizes he got the chicken McNuggets, but the guy forgot to put sauce in. And he's looking around for the sauce. And he's getting more

and more up tight. You can see him gritting his teeth. And then he opens up the bag and the kid forgot to put the sauce in and he just he starts shivered like shivering with anger and he just went shit head this is a guy who if I came in and said dad I just totaled the family station wagon he'd be like well I'm glad you're safe yeah but it was

the smallest thing shit Jesus if you wrap your head because you're once you accept that you're going to do this too yeah it's like that's what's so frustrating when you're like I'm going to chicken nuggets i was like oh honey mustard i'm gonna have that sweet and sour sauce whatever sweet

sour sauce whatever they got hot mustard i'm a big fan hot mustard but then yeah and you just have it all pictured and then when it's not there the only reason you're eating chicken nuggets is for the sauce yeah they're not eating them they're just a vessel yeah yeah yeah chicken anywhere eat a dry nug yeah hard path are your yeah your house ketchup like you're just like so disappointing no i know that my dad a very good man is is in heaven right now And God is saying to him, you led an exemplary life, but about the McNuggets moment. And my dad is probably holding his ground. I'm not, he's in heaven.

He's just eating all the sauce. But you know, it's made my dad angry. The guy's up there, too. He died two years later in a terrible shootout. I made that up. I don't know what happened to that kid. They have one job. They have one job.

Well, God, they have one job. Yeah. I have to bring up what I believe is the Washington sketches. they got to be in the Smithsonian. Those are works of art. I was blown away by that, as was everyone. I was so happy that it went viral. I was curious before this interview,

and I checked it out, it's like 28 million people have watched it. I mean, it's just, and it's great because it's all true. That's what I love about it. It's all true. And in that new heart spirit, all of it is exactly accurate.

And it's touching on some really powerful stuff with Keenan and it's done just perfectly it's just it's really yeah I was Streeter and Mikey

Strider said down Mikey day yeah yeah just great just really great and is it fun when you go out there

with a sketch that good it must be really fun to do that in front of a crowd at SNL yeah well that sketch

especially the first time yeah you know well it almost didn't make it because during the table read I did it and I'm like I'm so

I just you know used to performing for a live audience And so when it's just, everybody's kind of quiet and you're reading it, like, I'm not reading it very fun because it's like, it's just awkward. And so when we got for the dress rehearsals, it was on the maybe side. And I really liked it. And I was like, oh, do good once I'm in front of a crowd. Like, I just need, like, timing. You know, it's hard to have timing. And Lauren put it in at the, uh, we was like, all right, we can try it last. And then we tried it last and dressers under destroyed. And then move up to third. Now, here's my pet peeve. Did Lauren enough?

Lauren reads the stage directions at the read-through. Yeah. Did he enunciate or was he eating food at the time? He gives popcorn. Yeah. Little popcorn. Popcorn. He used to have popcorn and he used to have like carrots and you'd work all night on a sketch and be like, this is a perfect sketch.

And then I'd forget. It depends. But Lauren, if he was in a having a little hankering for something, you know, like, we open on and then crunch, crunch, crunch. I love that you still remember. Oh, I do. And I'd be like, swallow and say the directions. And it'd be a key direction like what the audience sees immediately that he's dressed as an astronaut.

And then the audience sees immediately. And then people aren't laughing because they don't know he's an astronaut. And then we pan to him. They don't know he's in that. Why is he in space? Yeah, exactly. It's a moon landing. Yeah.

No, read. Read it yourself. Don't just listen to Lauren. Yeah, if he had been eating, they wouldn't have known that you're George Washington and you're talking to the troops. Hello, my people.

This isn't funny. This blows. Who cares about weights and measures? Hey, you're hosting the Emmys. I am. They are very lucky to have you, and you're going to have a blast. I'm excited.

That's what I want to, yeah, talked about. You killed it on the Oscars. So it was very fun that night, too, to see you just because it was like so perfect and it was so fun and then it was like that it seemed like after that party like you're just like oh yeah you know when you're like this dude killed it

like it was the best that was fun and uh yeah but then you're gonna you're they're fortunate we're in an era where not everybody the good people don't always get to do it and I think it's great that you're doing it I think you're gonna have a really fun time and people are going to be very happy that you're doing it

so well thank you yeah I'm excited Is there any, like, you know, I've not watched all the shows. That's the part I've got to get on that. Oh, yeah, you got to watch the shows. Yeah. I know this. I mean, I know generally. Yeah, you just make.

I've seen all the commercials. That's enough. I feel like that should count. Is that enough? Yeah, just only the commercials. Yeah. You should do all your jokes about the commercials that air around the shows. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because if you make yourself happy, it's going to be fantastic. And that's the only thing. The only trick is. make yourself happy. We have some pretty fun ideas for some stuff. So I'm looking forward to it. And the monologue is, you know, that's just kind of doing stand-up. So it's like I'm looking at, luckily I've had it.

I had a couple jokes that I had that kind of can fit in this kind of scenario. So then you're going to be able to put that in there and then just really work on the monologue. And, you know, it's like, I think we have some sketch stuff because you don't have have as much time as you know think that's what's it you i think it's like 12 minutes or something like you know what the thing is it's not total yeah so that's every like like in it well i think you can get more because you're nate brigazzi i think you can get more time but yeah you don't be that you know exactly but the other thing is um i always remind myself the times i've done award shows when i would do the emmys or when the oscars i always remind myself this is not my show this show is about other people

I'm here to perform a very specific job because people would come up to me and say, hey, why didn't you switch the categories? Like, hey, it's not my, you know, how come this takes so long or what was that about? I'm like, it's not my show. My job is to just do the best I can with the time I have

and really try and make it fun. And so, yeah, it's not a lot of time when you boil it down. It's less time than people think it is. Yeah. But you're going to have a great night and you should just enjoy it. I tell you what

I've been very happy with CBS because we were shooting some promos and some of the jokes that they, some of the producers and they have written were very, very funny and self-deprecated and I could tell they were written with me and mine and like mine.

So I was very, you know, excited to be like, you know what? I think CBS is like they get it and they're going to, at least for this immediate, like they understand and like they're being like, yeah, just go be you, and I don't feel like there's any, you know, just from that phase of, and the promos we shot were very funny, I think.

They're, uh, it's real simple. Yeah. They know that they have a great host. They do. They know that and they want you to be happy. So make yourself happy with everything you do in this show and it's going to be the best Emmys ever, seriously. So, um, honor to have you here.

I'm so happy for you. Thank you. You're a great guy and you're crazily. talented, and I'd love to, I'm going to get that tourist repurposed, and I'm taking you to the Denny's and Gower Gulch in Hollywood, which is where I used to go back in 1985 when I was just getting started. Oh, yeah. And it was, and I ate hundreds of pounds of food there very quickly. Exactly the same, too. They haven't redone anything to that place. I thought I went back when we were doing the podcast. You and I went back.

Yeah, we did. And we had a feast. Yeah. This was like four years ago. Son and I were in this Denny's four years ago, and we had a blast. Yeah, it was fun. And I was like, you know, I used to come here. And they're like, we don't care.

I sat right over there. Okay. Not yourself out, Conan. But continued success with everything. Hey, thank you so much. Please come back anytime you want to talk about anything because I'm your biggest fan. Yeah, I would love that. Thank you.

Thank you for everything you've done in my career. you played way more of a part than you might think you did, but you've played a giant part in my career, so you're the best I'm very aware of what I've done for you. Now that you're in the big money, I want compensation.

$600. I'll fix the clutch. I'll fix the clutch on the torts. Deep hit the clutch. All right, Nate, take care. Yeah, but... I'm not saying no one says it that way. And we're back.

We're back. And this is now a segment out of nowhere that's happening because Sona won't stop talking about this. Sona goes back on the attack about how you can't milk these nuts. I explained that, yeah, I think you can. Matt, this is quite unusual, came in on my side. And then, Eduardo. I said, sorry, I'm in tears over one place. Well, let's reconstruct

We've got to cover that too. Guys, let's reconstruct what just happened in Deely Plaza so that the listeners know what's happening. Get out the red yarn. Go ahead. In Spanish, you know. Are you going to be okay, Eduardo? Yes.

You're crying. I am. It's referred to as lece. Yeah. What is it? You know, sperm, male sperm. Nut milk. It's referred to as milk.

Yeah. But why are you quibling? Because your whole thesis is premised upon the fact that you're a woman saying, suck my dick. I know. I'm saying you can't milk a dick. You can't. But you can't suck your dick. Who side do you are? I'm a coded milk. Well, this is the United States

of America. I understand what they do in Mexico, but you can't. It's metaphorical. No one, no guy says milk this, bitch. You don't know that. What are guys that work on the farm routinely probably refer, you know, who knows what they say, but

what I'm, Blay, what did you have? Blay came in very earnestly. Well, I was just saying they have almond milk. They have a thing called almond milk. The milk of the nut. The milk of the nut. You're referring to the testicles as nuts and they have their own milk. He's not going to talk about it.

No, I know he is, but what I'm saying is he, Blay has come in with the proof that nuts can yield milk. That's right. We now have the evidence that in Mexico, courtesy of Eduardo. I'll let them know America, by the way. The sperm is called, referred to sometimes as leche. So it's literal and figuratively, there's precedents. There's literal and figurative precedes. You can't, but no, I'm saying you can't say it in like a sexual way.

Like, hey, I have a bag of all my milk these nuts. Why can't you? Why can't you? Because we're talking about it in the sexual sense. I don't say, suck my dick in like a, like a dick as a guy I'm with and I'm like, suck dick. What are you talking? Are you having a breakdown? I know, but what is your problem?

We weren't speaking sexual. Yes, you were. You were saying milk these nuts in a sexual way. No. You meant you meant, you meant jizz it. Jizz it? What's wrong with you? Jizz it.

I was simply saying, and it wasn't in a sexual way, it was someone who had gone to, you know, a center to have their sperm harvested so that they could use it to one day have a child. Not me. A farmer gets on a little three-legged stool, and I just stand there. You were a cowbell. What are we talking about? What is the thing is, an ejaculation does not have to be sexual. You know, it just doesn't. Wait, what?

You are talking about it. Now you've lost me. What do you mean? It could be journalistic? What do you mean? When I read Robert Carrow's first book on Lyndon Johnson, I ejaculated several times as a place marker. I didn't have a bookmark. And later on, I'm like, where was I?

Oh, right. The New Deal. Here it is. The pages would all stick together. Yeah, they don't all stick together. And you know what? They have to know what to do. You use a green tea to get it off.

Guys, I don't want to be taken down a pack, which I don't think is right for anyone to listen to. But I am just telling you, Sona, that we have once and for all proven, and this is a rare alliance. This is a really rare alliance. You've got over there, you've got Putin. with Eduardo. You've got Zelensky over here with Matt. And I'm Trump.

And the three of us are in agreement that you can milk D's nuts. Mike drop. Oh, boy. Yeah. You got that one. Yeah, we sure did. And you're with me on this one,

aren't you, Eduardo? I mean, Eduardo is, and what about you, Blay? Just say yes. Yes, I don't even know what we're... I'm not sure what the alliance... Yes, I'm into it. Just join the alliance. I'm into it.

I guess. Yeah. Honestly, the only thing going through my head right now is I was at the first day of school with a bunch of 12-year-old parents. Oh, my God. All I can think about is that I talked to a mom I had never met before, and she, like, found out what I did. And she was like, oh, our whole family listens to the podcast together, and we love it. And so that's all I can think about right now. Turn it off.

I'm really sorry, Giles, who's the listener. Sorry, Giles. The 12-year-old who listens. Sorry, you shouldn't listen to this. and don't milk these nuts. You'll go blind. Well, that's all our time today. Oh, wait a minute.

That's not how podcast work. Definitely. We're out of time. All right. Well, I guess we did some good work today. Mike. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goorley. Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional Production Support by Mars Melnick

Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brick Con You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan.

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