Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nick Kroll

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

Nick and Conan sit down to talk about how being a late bloomer informed the making of Big Mouth, collaborating with longtime partner John Mulaney on Oh, Hello: the P’dcast, and finding positives within a long stretch of quarantine. Later, Conan and his team answer listener questions about homeopathic remedies and more. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

My name is Nick Kroll. And I feel incredibly proud of being Connor and O'Brien's friend. Wow. That was really nice that you said that. You know, a lot of people have sort of done kind of a jokey thing. Yeah, that was a joke.

Fall is here. Hear the yell. Back to school. Ring the bell. Brand new shoes. Walking blues. Climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Until never we are going to be friends Hey there And welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, a podcast, which usually I go to great lengths To try and make these sort of evergreen timeless, meaning it doesn't matter when you hear them. We don't talk about current events often. That's sort of the world I've tried to create in this podcast. But we're living, obviously, in very, very strange times. And so there is no escaping the reality we've all been thrown into during this pandemic.

So I am, instead of being in a studio with my gang, we're all in our separate locations. I've been shooting shows, television shows, and we've also set it up so I can do the podcast from here as well. So I'm joined by Sonam of Sessian, who's coming to us from her home in a place called Altadina, California. Is that right, Sana? Yes, you always act like it's like this exotic place, but it's like 30 minutes away from you. It's not that far. Very far away. Different currency.

Yeah, different laws. What? No. Anyway, I'll get there one day. No, it's okay. Once you guys get an airport, I'll fly in. No, you're busy. You could stay where you are.

Also joined by Matt Gwalee. Matt, you're at your home, which I've been to, which is fantastic, beautiful home. Thank you. Yeah, really, really like perfectly curated. and decorated. You and your wife are very, this little alarm is going off when I'm too nice to you. It's going off right now. Crazy. But no, you really do have a beautiful home. Very nice. And I see, you also, like me, have guitars in every room. Yeah, generally. If it's not on the wall, it's just sitting in a corner. Do you play guitar? Because I've never heard you play. Yeah, I play. Lyer. You just said it like, I'm old enough to drink. I swear I do. No, I'm old enough. Yeah, I got five out of six strings. Okay. That's all you need. That high E is a waste of time. How are you guys? Let me check in with you as human beings.

I know there was a lot of banter and a lot of foolishness, but Sona, goarly, how are you getting through this? Sona, how are you? I'm fine. I wish there was more that I could say, but I, I'm chilling. I'm good. Well, you're in a good, you're in a, you're newly married. Yeah. You're a great guy.

You've got your dog. Mm-hmm. And you've got your new home that you moved into in this. this new country. Oh, God. Oh, my God. No, whatever. And that's great.

So I think you're in this really nice. This is probably a good time for you to nest, so to speak, quarantine. Yeah. Yeah, we're getting things done with the house, which is cool. We bought a TV yesterday, and that's all I want to do now is just watch TV. So you watch a lot of TV at work, but that's okay. That's not necessary to say. It's okay.

You don't have to say that stuff. Well, it's a truth thing. We haven't seen each other in a while. You should be nice. I'm being, I didn't think that was not nice. that was just me saying, oh, you're tall and you watch a lot of TV. Okay. All right.

It seemed a little negative. That's fine. Not at all. A lot of TV. A lot of TV. Not good. That's fine. That's negative.

Would you say? Probably. Probably. You don't give that much positive in reinforcement. You don't make me want to do it. Ah. Yeah. So, there you go.

I'm the criminal. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good. Oh, oh, sorry, Matt. I forgot that you. Matt, beautiful home. You have a beautiful wife. You have a nice life. You've crafted for yourself.

My hat's off to you if I was wearing a hat. Tip of the cap, if I had a cap. Thanks, boss. I appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. And I hope you're well as you're, are you mentally holding up? Some people have problems during these times. Yeah, when it first kicked off, I think I was kind of struggling to find my legs.

But now I feel like I've been training for this my whole life. I'm in my element, just living at home as a recluse. This is what I was meant to do. Yeah, this is not my element. Let me be very clear about that. If people aren't surrounding me and giggling, I don't exist. So I'm a vampire without his native soil, without his Transylvanian casket. Yeah.

How are you doing? How are you surviving this? Your family must be. Oh, my God, they can't handle it. They're just my wife and kids. They're like, you've got to tone it down because I'd be like, hey, gang, how's it going? You know, and they just, they shut it down. And that's like 2 a.m. in the morning.

Yeah. And then 3 a.m. And then 4 a.m. I'm the singing frog on the old Warner Brothers cartoon. And I'm doing what I can. It's like I say, I've never, I don't think any of us have experienced anything like this. I keep telling my kids, you're going to, like, your grandchildren are going to say, what was it like during the 2020? And I'll still be alive.

I'll be in the corner with a robotic body because they'll have robot bodies for really old heads then. and I'll be in the corner going, It wasn't so bad. And then just this weird liquid will come out that's, you know, instead of excreting anymore, just an oil comes out of me. Ew, what? Come on. Why?

I'm just telling you what the future is going to be like. It's not going to be all pretty. Yes, we get to live forever. Our withered heads on gleaming robot bodies, but occasionally you excrete oil. It's nothing. It's just a WD-40 that has some, you know, nitrates in it. It's not a big deal. Where is it excreting from? There's a hole.

Okay. It's like a nozzle. Yeah. Some people think it's like an espresso. That's going to be a common problem in the future. People are like, ah, time for my espresso and it's excretion oil from someone's robot body. And that's what, no, and that's one of the reasons they've got to stop putting those little nozzles back there. Yeah. It's in the back? Come on. What do you mean back there? What's a hole? They put it. It's where the anus would be, but they made it look like, oh, God. No, I'm not going to, don't hold up on Zoom a wrap-up sign. Fuck you. I'm not going to wrap up.

I'm telling you that in the future, we have robotic bodies that replace our old bodies. Our old withered heads are put on top, and there's an espresso nozzle where the anus would be. And it's just a hot, a hot oil comes out. What is wrong with you? You can think of anything for the future, and this is what you come up with. I'm telling you there's good, and there's good. And there's bad. Okay.

You're going to, no one's going to die. We're going to live forever, but there's going to be oil stains all over the house. And it's not, it has no, it's odorless. It's not a big deal. It's not, it's, this isn't even me being scatological. It's a hot oil. And it cools within the hour, but it does sometimes burn people. And it can look a little like coffee, which is why it's unfortunate that they made it look

like an espresso nozzle. Are we done? Listening to this at home, maybe even eating. Uh, I doubt it. I don't think anyone says, I'm going to eat some really delicious. food right now, but first, let's listen to Conan O'Brien's high reedy twang. Anyway. This is awful.

I know. You know what? I love that I have a sidekick on the show who repeatedly says, this is awful. It's terrible. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Not every vision of the future is all. I didn't think it was even that bad.

Well, most people have, like, flying cars and you thought of, oil secretions coming out of robotic anuses. And so it's just, it's just problematic for all of us. Hey, trust me, when you see the oil that comes out of these, when you see the oil, the hot oil that comes out of these robot anuses, you're not going to be so thrilled with a flying car zipping around, you know? Come on. Don't ruin the flying cars.

What's wrong with you? You think pigeons are a problem now. Waiter, you're walking down the street. Grandpa goes by and you're hit with hot WD40 from 10,000 feet. All right. Is it brown oil? You said brown oil. So it's like diarrhea oil coming out of a puddle. It's not. No, it's oil. It's an oil color. Imagine what color oil is. And it's not. No. Don't turn this into a shit joke, Zona. Oh, I'm sorry. You said anus. You're the one who said the anus. Hey, I don't know what flies in Altadena. I've never, I don't have my passport with me, but I'll get there. It's all right. You don't have to. No, no, I'll get there. I'll get there. I really want to get there. I want to describe this robot future to you. We have to get going. We have such a good guest today. And, you know, I will say that he cannot be with us in person because we're all doing these remotely. But he's a delightful, delightful fellow.

And I'm almost as thrilled to talk to him remotely. I'd love to have him in the room. So I'd give him a big squeeze. I'm a creep that way with younger comics. I'm known as kind of handsy. My guest today, he is a hilarious community. He's an actor. He's a writer who's the co-creator and voice of over 25 characters on the animated Netflix series Big Mouth.

He's also, of course, appeared on Broadway. alongside John Mullaney in their show, Oh, Hello, on Broadway. And they now have a new podcast. Oh, hello, the podcast. I hope I'm saying that, right? Oh, hello, the podcast. I'm thrilled.

He's with us today. Nick Kroll is here. Nick. Let's just get it out right now, Conan. You were the first talk show. I was a guest on your show as a panel guest was my first show ever. And your show when you were just starting, I was like in high school and in college was the show that I looked to to what that I thought was like, oh, this feels funny like I want to be funny. And then when I moved to New York and started at UCB, all of the people at UCB were like the extras or the small parts on your show.

And so like the idea that I have now been on your show multiple times and that I do consider. you a friend is like fills me with genuine pride for real. Wow. Okay. I'm not going to buy it the second time. You suck to me in the first time. There's no way I'm buying this bullshit now. But it is, that's a very sweet thing to say.

I'm going to assume there's real feeling there. It's one of the things I love about doing this podcast is I get to sit down with people that, you know, really make me laugh, people I really enjoy, people I'm really excited to talk to. And yes, you've done the show many times, but this is a chance to, let's say, do you a deep dive? Let's dig in. Really dig in there and find out what makes Nick Kroll tick and then break it and snap it. Yeah.

I think it's probably undiagnosed Lyme disease that I think is really what makes me tick. Is really it's the ticks that make me tick. Yes, true. Oh, I see. Very nice. You know, I have to admit, usually we do this when we're all in the same room, but because of the current COVID-19 crisis, I'm talking to from, I'll tell you later. It's not a big deal. Okay. It's fortunate that you don't go out a lot. That's all I'll tell you.

But because of that, we're on a, we're in separate locations. I think we're both in Los Angeles, but we're in separate locations. I want to make that clear in case there are any COVID shamers out there who think, how dare Conan and Nick Kroll get together in the same room? How dare they? I've been proposing that, that we start like a quarantine pod for a while, and you have been pretty resistant to that idea. Yeah, I am. I'm very resistant to it. I only like to spread disinformation. And so, and you kept saying, no, this will be a good way to get good information out there.

And I'm like, I like disinformation, you know? Yeah. Well, the fact that that was your roast battle name was DJ disinformation. Yeah. Yeah. No, you know, it's amazing to me how much technological bullshit had to go on before you and I could even started talking today because there's like seven engineers on the line, all in different locations. I think Will Beckton's in Guam. My team is separated. And we went through, I think it was at least

12 minutes of, okay, Nick, now go into your files, hit sound haptics, now go into DS5223G 17, now change levels to 11 percent, now de-accelerate. And it was, it was a lot of, lot of that and I thought really this is how difficult it is am I it did I mean it's fascinating that like I did your TV show the other day and we just jumped on Zoom and did it and like and that was with yes yes you did the Zoom TV show and it was the easiest thing in the world and now uh here I am with my crack team more like a team on crack cue applause no seriously uh that was at least a C plus. And suddenly,

Gourley, what's going on? Why is it so complicated for us to make, and I promise I won't use up all of our time talking about this, but I'll use a lot of it, bitching about this. Why did it take so much? This is how I want to spend the talk, is you dressing down your staff on them trying to create the best podcast they can.

Thank you. Thank you, Nick. Thank you, Nick. Listen, boss, people are saying that this is one of the best sounding at home podcasts out there. So that's what we're shooting for. Oh, what magazine was that in? Podcast monthly. Nick, we have so much to talk about. I can't complain that about sound. We all have problems. We're all struggling with things during this crisis. And I just think the sound of my podcast is

probably up there among one of the biggest crises anyone is had to do. For everybody. For everybody, Yeah, for everybody. For no, no doubt. And people think I've lost my sense of perspective. What were you, you know, it's so funny because you and Malaney have such a nice way of clicking in with each other. And I'm curious because that's the kind of thing. You just have to find that. You can't invent it.

You just have to find that. How did you guys find each other? We were, I went to Georgetown University and I started doing comedy there. I was in a improv group that Mike Barbiglia cast me in a sketch show. When I was a freshman, he was a sophomore. And then John was a freshman when I was a senior. And I cast him and Jacqueline Novak, who's now also a comedian who's got an incredible live show that she was doing before all this went down. And so we met when he was a freshman.

I was a senior and we just immediately, you know, I think. I think I just was one of the first people to get to see him be a comedian. So I was like, oh, my God, this guy's so funny. And we just hit it off and got very close from that point on. I graduated and moved to New York. And he stayed on my couch one summer. And we started doing open mics and sort of writing together and then move to New York right after that. But it was this funny thing of those people who you meet early on, who you just stay connected to throughout, that I got very lucky that I met.

a ton of funny people early on in my career without having to go to like an elitist institution and with an elitist comedy institution inside of it. I hate those. I know. I hate anything that smacks of like ivory tower or like Yale is like that. Totally. Yeah. Or brown.

That's why I refused to go to those places. I just was like, that's not for me. You went to college in Boston, right? You went to college in Cambridge. Is that right? You went to school. Yeah, yeah, I went to. It's near Central Square, the college I went to.

It's near Central Square in Cambridge. But, yeah, early on, I was very much like, nope, I'm not going to get sucked into that elitist thing. So I just went to school someplace else. And you know what? Found my own way and struggled. And it was a really good engineering school. And you know what? I learned, you know what?

I learned to use my hands pretty early on. I used to give as good. I got. I mixed it up in a lot of fights. I was in a lot of gangs. You do look like you would have been a good old-timey boxer. I will say that. I feel like you have that makeup. I did write a sketch when I hosted Starnat Live years ago. I came with two ideas. One was about a bad, a superhero who can't help but keep saying his name over and over again, Moleculo. And then the other one was I wanted to play like a turn of the century fighter, a guy that fought underhand style. and just gets the shit kicked out constantly.

So that was my, yes, I do look like someone who would box sort of in that long Marcus of Queensbury rules, hands way out from the body. Like you'd be like an extra, like in the background of a scene in that show, the alienist, like you would have been fighting like a bear in the background somewhere. Yes, yes. And I would have been coughing up blood the same time. Maybe it would have been a masturbating bear, Conan. Ah, I see what you did.

I've proven. Yeah? Yeah, you did your homework for this interview. This is the sense I get. The sense I get, and you tell me if I'm wrong, is that I think all the funny people find each other. I have this theory that funny people in their early 20s kind of all find each other, and then it's going to pop for them. It all happens at slightly different times and in slightly different ways. But when I look back on it now, I'm stunned at how.

how many funny people I found really quickly, you know, once I, when I came out to L.A., how many people I bumped into, how many people I found pretty quickly in New York or L.A. And then all these years later, I can mention their names and people know who they are. Okay. Charles Quisbee. Oh, of course. Yeah. Comedian Mike Bechtel. Of course. Stu Semeni. Oh, Stu. Leisha Perneli. Leisha makes me laugh harder than anybody still. Yeah. Margaret Hiddleston. I mean, these are, names that when I met them, believe it or not, these were people nobody knew. These were names no what they, yeah. Magic Margaret Hiddleston? I remember like hearing her name and thinking, wow,

I wonder if this name will ever be on Marquise. And sure enough, it has not been. But the point I'm trying to make is that you found very funny people to support you. And I found all these losers who never went anywhere. And I had to make it on my own through sheer force of will and talent. So I guess, lucky you. Lucky me. Yeah, lucky me. Pure privilege. But it is true, like, because I then moved to New York and I, I started doing like open mics and met Jesse Klein.

I met at one of my first open mics. Chelsea Peretti, I met very, very early on. And like, you and I, you know, and I think it's partly what you're talking about, which is you go and you, like, in my case, I would do open mics or do, you know, improv classes. And, you know, you're like, oh, that person is. funny and then you hope that that other person finds you funny and then through that you sort of strike up these friendships that hopefully last through it and my i mean big mouth is is really a collection of like you i can almost track my whole career of through the friends that are in it in that it was

like oh i met john in college and then i moved to new york and i met uh jenny and and jesse early on in my kind of open mic alt comedy days. And I met Jason Manzukas through all the time I spent at UCB. And then slowly met like Jordan Peel through moving to LA and starting out and both of us having shows in Comedy Central and Fred Armisen and My Rudolph through becoming friends slowly with the people who were at SNL. And they're all the people. And then the extended cast is similarly just all of these people that are the, the,

The friends that I've made over the years of doing comedy, and I have been very lucky that the people that I have found funny turned out to be like the funniest people and willing to be a part of the show and the other stuff that I do. It's also one of my things is just, I never wanted to be jaded. I'm continuously thrilled that I get to work with people that just genuinely make me laugh. They just genuinely make me laugh and I enjoy them and we have a good time. And then that's considered work afterwards. It seems sort of criminal.

I mean, it is. We should be prosecuted. We should be hunted like animals in the street for making this a living, a wage-earning living. It should be, we should be hunted. Let's see what happens with the oncoming class wars and see if that does come to be. I never want to be Jaden. I never wanted to be someone named Jaden. I think at this point you probably will not be someone named Jaden.

I think the chances of you becoming a guy named Jaden at this point is very, very unlikely. Okay. What about, is there a world where I could still be in curse of the Jade Scorpion? Is that, or do you think that that moment has been? 40% chance. Okay, okay. There's a 40% chance. Okay, so still.

That presents its own complications. No, I think it's completely absurd. That's why, and you mentioned class wars. I've been very careful, A, not to go to an elite institution in college. We've been over that. And also to always make sure that I lived with great humility and well below my means. Sure. I'm in a very, very small, very small shack right now, which is where I live.

It's by the sea because I like to get my fish fresh from the sea. Of course. And I make a simple living as a fisherman. Yeah. You've been to my house. Is it not a small shack where I, I, I, by the sea? It's a very humble. I wouldn't call it a shack because of it's, there's a warmth to it that shacks off in time. But I think it's the, because when you, you know, you teach a

conan to fish and he'll eat, he'll eat for a day. Yeah. But you give him fish and he'll, you know, you know, it's, no, you turn him in. No, if you teach a cone into fish, he'll eat for a day. That implies that I'll immediately forget that you taught me how to fish and I won't know how to fish the next day. It's give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. Turn turn the man. Yes. Turn him into a fish. And then he can swim with the fish and attack them at random.

Isn't that the saying? I believe that's the saying. Anyway, Sona will tell you, I live by the sea and I make my living with my hands, simple living, simple Greek fisherman. You're a really butch guy. I am. Very masculine. Yes, well, yes, I am.

Yes. There's a raw masculinity to you that I think has propelled you through comedy to where you are now. Yeah. And that is what I would aspire to that in, in, I would like my comedy to be more masculine. Yes. Well, you've come to the right guy, Nick. And you know what? Let me tell you something.

A lot of people when they meet me, and this is true. And Sonia, you'll back me up on this. And so will you, Gwerely. a lot of people meet me, and when I leave the room, they say that guy has big dick energy. Yeah. No. Yes, I get that all the time.

That guy has BD. They say you're a big dick. What? Is that what they say? I thought that was big dick energy. No, they say they have the energy of a big dick. Isn't that the same as I have a big dick energy? Yes, there it is.

There it is. I swear to God, many times I've heard people say, he has the energy of a big dick, and I'm like, yeah. There we go. Wait, what? Hold on. That's it. That's what do you want, right?

That's what everybody's talking about. Is that energy of a big dick? That's the... Yeah, that's what I got. That's what I got. And you know what? I will help you. I will help you get there.

Thank you. No, I honestly appreciate that because I feel like I don't give that off and I'd like to sort of give that vibe off. No, I know. It's something that I just came by honestly. Hey, I want to ask you something because I love Big Mouth

and I love that it is absolutely hilarious, and I won't hit this too hard, but I love things that are funny and also have a little secret, there's a little like secret sauce in there of, oh, this is great for kids to see. If a show like that had existed, because I was a late bloomer,

I know that you talk about yourself as being a late bloomer, unless you're just tricking other people into saying they were late bloomer. Yeah, no, I was a late bloomer, and I'm a chronic masturbator, and I've killed three people. Yeah, that's right.

We're talking the same language. Right. So I killed people by masturbating. It's just, it comes out like a machine gun. Anyway, I'm sorry. But I didn't know. It's like a gun that goes off, you know? People get killed.

People, people half a mile away have been killed while I was masturbating. But, uh. You talk about being a late bloomer, and I could be wrong. Everybody comes to comedy a different way, but I swear to God, being a late bloomer for me helped me be funny or somewhat empathetic. I know I'm acting like someone who's not empathetic right now, but I swear to God I am. And I feel like it was everything came to me later on. Yes.

I felt like it did. I mean, most kids, I think most people look back on their childhoods and be like, oh, well, I had this thing about me that was weird. I was, I hit puberty too early. I hit puberty too late. I was very tall. I was, whatever it is, these elements. And they all can allow different people to develop their sense of humor or their powers of observation.

But I think when you're a late bloomer, at least I was, I felt incredibly conscious of what was happening to my friends around me. And I was very, I was hyper aware of it. And so it both made me empathetic, but it also made me observe. it made me try to develop these other powers to help me, like, navigate not getting beaten up or to make myself attractive to people and all of those things, as well as hopefully eventually being empathetic and trying to understand what it would be like to be another kind of person, which is, you know, I think such an important part of writing and building shows and world. So that definitely was a huge part of it for me.

And so much of it was insecurity. So much of it was just feeling small and less than and figuring out how I could defend myself and figure out how I could, you know, attract people to me. And that definitely came from being a late bloomer. Like, I'm very glad that I evolved how I have. And like, I genuinely, for the most part, feel bad for the people who peaked in high school. You know, like I don't think they're. Yeah, yeah. I knew a kid.

I won't say his name. but I knew a kid who said, told everybody, I peaked in the sixth grade. And he kind of did. And he was right. And I remembered him writing an essay about it once. They made us all write essays in class. And this kid like in the eighth grade said, yep, sixth grade. Remember me in sixth grade?

It'll never be that good again. And he was right. It was absolutely very, very, I mean, it's ridiculous for me to say it's right. I don't know what he's doing now. I mean, I know what he's doing. It's Bob Odenkirk. It's Bob Odenkirk. It's Bob Odenkirk.

How did you know? I mean, first of all, as well as Bob is doing now, he did peak in the sixth grade. He did. He was killing it in the sixth grade. He was so good in sixth grade and just, and the multiple Emmy nominations for Better Call Saul pale into comparison to how much he was pulling hotties in sixth grade. Yeah. No, he was, and even he knows, even he would trade a second of him being back in sixth grade for all the success he's had now with Better Call Saul.

It is. But that's whatever. Yeah, it is. It's whatever. And that's what I always say about Bob. But I do, I have to say it really, I feel very grateful at the time. You know, I think it's hard when you're that age to realize that the things that are your limitations can actually build the character to make you a much stronger person in the long haul. And it's so tough to explain that to kids, you know?

Right. Because you can't hear it then. Like, but, but I think like it's, times are changing in a way that things that are valued now, I think, are slightly, I mean, not across the board, but other things are valued now that weren't as much then when I was a kid. And, you know, I think like being an interesting individual now is something that is a commodity that wasn't, I think, as much when we were. growing up. No, God no. God no. I mean, I know I'm older than you, but I know for a fact that a show like Big Mouth could never have existed in the 1970s. It just could not, there's no place it could have existed. It could have existed in like an adult bookstore, maybe underground. It couldn't, it could have been like an R-crumb drawing that you were allowed to see. But there's no way that

Bake Mouth could have existed back then. And all the shows that I was, everything that I was seeing, on TV in no way looked, you know, like how I was looking at people like Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett and it just had no relationship to who I was. I mean, I was made of, had some robotic parts, but I was in no way did it relate to who I was as a person. And I think now shows, and it's not like there are a ton of them, but there's a lot of people out there telling you what it's really like and how it really feels to be a, shamed in over your head, feel weird, feel completely. I mean, the stuff that you put these characters through and Bigmouth is so humiliating.

I feel like any kid seeing it is going to feel like, yeah, I'm not that bad. Sure, yes. Yes. No, it makes you're like, oh, this is disgusting. At least I'm not that guy. But it, no, it definitely, it definitely has that. And it's been, you know, so much of it is based in stuff that did happen. to me and Andrew and others in the room.

And, you know, like, I got pantsed when I was in middle school and got fully exposed to the girl that I had a crush on. And it had a tremendous effect on me for the rest of my life. Andrew as well had stuff. And we've all had those weird traumatic points that are real triggers that, like, for me, I have to be honest, like, so much of the stuff that I was talking about in the room, would then like I go over to my therapist and talk with my therapist about and then bring back some of the things that I've been working through in therapy back into the room to try to

navigate it. And it has weirdly been this actual gift to work through some of the, the, the, really some, just the trying to heal the things that happen to you, because there are so many traumatic things that happen to you in adolescence that do be. become a major foundational point for the rest of your life and like who you are and what you're what what what turns you on what brings you shame what um you know what kind of relationships you seek with partners in friendship with your family and it's it's it's incredibly informative period in your life and and so it's weirdly been a place that i have actually been able to work through my personal life stuff in in the show and i it's it's

It's a real gift. I swear to God, I grew up elementary school, high school. The vast majority of my friends were Jewish, and I got to know them and their families. And I thought, oh, these people are more in touch with who they are than the people in my culture. I really did think there's so much more shame among Irish Catholics than there are among all my Jewish friends.

and I was envious of that. I remember thinking, oh, they're just, they talk about all kinds of stuff with their parents. And it's all right out in the open and they yell at each other. And they express displeasure with each other. All these things that I could never do in a million years that I have a hard time picture you being repressed.

No, I didn't. Yes, I got very lucky. By the way, every Irish writer, Irish Catholic writer I know, like has spent as much time around Jews as they could for their entire life. And it's like, I don't know what came first, like, the desire to be in comedy or the desire to spend time around Jews. But I find that there's a correlation that is, like, my gut is every woman, like, the first, like, five women you were in love with were Jewish.

That's pretty good. Okay. So, yeah. That's pretty good. Just like I have always been wildly attracted to like six foot six Irish men. And I think that, and I'm not sure what that is, whether that's comedy. I think we know, I think we know what that is. That was at a young age, you were exposed to someone on television who was a six-foot-six Irish man with big dick energy, the energy of a guy who's a big dick.

It was B. Arthur. It was B. Arthur. She is the butchest of the golden girl. Yes. But I think, no, but it's true. I think what it is, because I've been thinking about, you know, we did this season two of Bigmouth was all about shame and we spent a lot of time talking about shame and listening and watching Brunee Brown, who's done a major, did TED Talk and books and stuff about shame. And, you know, she spoke to the idea that shame is like, well, the difference. And I think about this between Jews and Irish Catholics, which is, because Jews have a tremendous amount of guilt, but it's slightly different than shame. And it's like, Jews are a lot of, spent a lot of time being like, I made a mistake. And Irish Catholic spend more time being like, I am a mistake.

Like, there's something inherent, literally, I think, to like as basic as like whatever the thing is where you're born and you're bad for being born. What is that? Original sin. Yes, thank you. It's the whole concept. It's the thing that we're actually taught, which is you were born as sinner. And everywhere you look, there's a guy on a cross who died because you fucked up when you didn't do anything.

And so, and look, I'm a huge booster of the Catholic Church. Sure. And I hope that came across in what I just said. Yeah, no doubt. And I think there's a lot of good in that religion. Totally. Yeah, yeah. And all my money goes right to the Pope,

which is why I have to live by the sea and make my living off of DeFish. Yeah, yeah. I make my living off a DeFish. But. I make my living off of fish, the band. I sell veggie burritos in the parking lot outside of shows. Great, an old man, an old Greek man who was like,

I make, how you make your money, old man, offer to fish. And he means fish the band. And he has. He has the concession rights, and he makes hundreds of millions of dollars. Hundreds of millions. But he's like, people are like, oh, that's so sweet. Offer to fish. I'm a simple man.

I'm a three and the stasio. Michael Fish, man. Michael Gordon. A simple man. A page. I don't know his last name, a page. Yeah. You teach a man to fish, he eats it for a day.

But you give him concessions. to Japan fish and he'll make a hundred million dollars You see the way it all comes back around and there are all these connections that are tied up and how I can sort of see things

in four dimensions It's quite impressive It really is It's very there's something very special about what you do Yeah, when I become pompous I go to sleep I don't know what

I pass out cold I've been I've itched my leg and have opened a wound on the back of it while we've been talking. I just got my fingers. Well, that would never. Oh, my God, yes. No, what I'm saying is that if you had been in our studio, we always rub moisturizer into people when they're guests on the show. It's something that I started.

Well, it's an evolution of Jesus. It's like you don't wash people's feet anymore when they come to do your podcast. You moisturize them. It's a very... Exactly. Yeah. I call that spa Jesus. It's spa Jesus. He doesn't wash the feet of the lepers. He moisturizes the feet of the lepers. Yes. And gives them a really good pedicure. A petty. Yeah. And I believe that to be, give a man a facial. He'll have great skin for a day. Give a, teach a man to give himself a facial. And he's come all over himself, is I think what we're saying. Is that right? The police are here. They want to talk to you. I want to talk to me. I hope it's...

I always want whenever someone's crude like that. I always want 1940s Boston police officers to smash through the door. Like big guys whose belts are up near their necks and they're like,

all right, you're coming with us. What's your coming on the face? And where's the Jew? Where's the Jewish fella? Oh, what a dream. Yeah, he's her... Hey, so I didn't know that Jack McBrere was a character that he was that he was pubic hair yeah he's one of my

pubes Craig Robinson and Jack Mcbrayer are my only two pubes I love I just love that that's gonna be on his IMDB on Jack McBrhaer's it's gonna say a pew I was one of Nick Crowle's pubs it's gonna be in there with everything else he does in his life it's gonna be oh and you were a pub yes sir yes sir I was a cute yeah I was one of Nick Crull's pubs I was one of Nick Krolls, and I'm ashamed of it, and I love Nick. Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Jack's been a pub. Who else have we had? Mainly that's it. That's the only... Excuse me. Jesus, you're falling apart. You're bleeding. You're sneezing.

Should I be bleeding out of my eyes? Is that a sign of... That's not a sign of disease, right? Like, that's not... No, no. That's always a sign of health. That means your body has so much blood, so much good iron-rich blood that it needs to get rid of some. Okay, good.

My dad's a doctor. I know these things. My dad, my saliva tastes like jolt cola. It does that. It sort of, let me rephrase that for, that maybe Conan would like better. My saliva tastes like moxie cola. Ah, good old moxie. That'll put a pep in your step.

Yeah. That's the worst tasting soda in the world. Moxie soda. Is it? It might be. Yeah. I never even knew what it was. Moxie is like, you know, back in the late 19th century, they thought really stupid things were soda.

And so there's things like, this is made from Birchbach. A good old birch soda is what you want. No, it's not. And they had access to cherry. They had access to strawberry. They had access to lime. But they went way another way in 1902 to say things like, this is soil soda.

Oh, the goodness of soil. They could carbonate, they could carbonate tubers, and they decided that that was what they were Yes, indeed. You've got it all that. You know what, Nick Kroll, the world is your oyster. Everyone knows you're a very funny guy. You've got all these great projects. It's all going your way.

But what are you doing for the world? Can I tell you? Um, well, ironically, the world is, I've been very lucky that the world is in many ways my oyster. I am allergic to oysters. Uh, so that, uh, not everything, not everything goes Nikki Kroll's way. I'm allergic to tuna. I'm genuinely allergic to tuna fish, even though. Is that true?

Tuna fish is, I mean, that's such a big part of. It's a big part of my uvra. Yes. Is you, you guys, uh, in Oh, hello, were obsessed with a tuna sandwich, a tuna salad sandwich. We were. We would prank people with too much tuna, and we are, and I'm allergic to it. I can't eat it. But is the oyster, oh, but what are we doing to give back? You know, we're doing the Oh, hello podcast. Me and Malaney are doing that. We did the Broadway show and sketches on, on Kroll Show before it of our two Upper West Side characters, of which we have pranked you with too much tuna before. Oh, I remember that. I remember getting hauled up on a Broadway stage. And you know, humiliated. Yeah.

Humiliated. Probably the happiest I've ever been. It was humiliating the likes of you on Broadway. We're doing a podcast of that now about George and Gill, worked on a podcast about a year and a half ago about the life and death of Princess Diana. Yes, yes. A very relevant subject matter. Right. They always have their finger on the pulse of what people care most about at any given time.

Steely Dan and the murder of Princess Diana. And Son of Sam, they also like. So they are doing a podcast about that, and they have ensnared Ira Glass and Sarah Kaineg to help them. They somehow get them involved. And Sarah and I are trying to tell them that there's no reason to do this podcast. And then they go off and interview. They scored interviews with John Oliver and Pete. Davidson and John Ronson and a psychic and a woman who reads the is a medium who can look at

photographs and understand that. And so they started that podcast a while back and then they had a falling out. And now that they're in quarantine, they have decided to put the podcast out because they want to win the quarantine. And so do these characters even understand what a podcast is? They're so out of time. They probably have as much understanding of what a podcast is as I do. They believe it to be a, they believe it to be like a radio show that people then put on a floppy disc and can play on their computers.

That's the extent to which they can understand. They've got big Dell computers and a gateway and a gateway laptop. And that's what they can understand. And so now we've aired three episodes, and they're now into the quarantine. So we're starting to give interviews with each other. They're self-quarantine in two different rooms in the same apartment and the Upper West Side. So George, George believes Gilda have double COVID, COVID-38.

So we're, we've been helping George. and Gil put that out. And they, uh, they're, they're eyeing you and your place high in the Apple podcast. They're eyeing, uh,

the Conan needs a friend podcast. They're trying to take that down. Go to take it down. That's a good idea. And they're going after the daily big time. Um, right. And,

uh, and, and it's been, it's, and we're doing it as a charity for, we've been doing it for United Way of NYC, uh, helping to get food and internet,

service to kids and people who are uh have obviously run into issues through this period of time um so we've been doing that uh trying to get back and uh you know just doing various things that we can I don't know it's it's such a weird time no it's it is such a weird time and it's so weird to think about when does this get back to normal I have that feeling this weekend for the first time in a real real way where I was like oh because I have to be to be honest like I've been In my house, I've been working on Big Mouth every day. My girlfriend, we're living together. She had moved in somewhat recently.

So it's been this really rare opportunity that we've been able to nest and really, like, be with each other for such an intense but really kind of amazing time where we're really spending all this quality time together and making this home hours and cooking together and talking to each other about what we're going through. and I've been sort of been able to like reconnect in or connect in deeper ways to a lot of friends and family. Like, you know, it was Passover. We did our interview right around Passover. But like normally when I'm in L.A.

And my family does a Seder in New York for Passover, I don't participate in it. It's like if I happen to be in New York, then I'll participate. But because of what's going on this year, we did like a Zoom Seder with all the families in different locations, all my siblings and my parents. And I got to be a part of that. in a way that I wouldn't normally. And so, like, there have been all of these elements to my personal experience inside of this, like, quarantine that have been incredibly positive and, like, gratifying in a lot of ways.

And because I've been lucky and my family's been lucky and, you know, for any number, in innumerable ways. But this weekend, I was like, oh, I'm ready for this to be over now. Like, I'm done. I'm done. Like, my fun experience. of being like in my space with my, my girlfriend and all of this, I'm like, I'm done now. I'd like to go back to like life.

Then I shall end it. I've just been waiting for you to say you're done. This is like an early 2000s, like this is like a Jim Carrey movie that you've like. Yes, yes. You're like the Morgan Freeman character. It's like, well, why didn't you say so? Go back to your life now. Go back to your life.

If you learned an important lesson about virtual satyrs, that's what you learned. I'm so glad you did. Yeah. If it only were that easy. I have to say, the thing I think about sometimes that I, I mean, there are a lot of things that we miss, and it can sound really frivolous to say, I miss this, but I just, I think one of the last things I did before we went into a lockdown was I was asked to show up at a show at the Largo Theater.

Yes. and Adam Sandler was there. Whoa. And Eric Idol and a couple of like people were there just jumping up on stage, performing. Jud Apatow was hosting it. And so I went out there and it was just so the thing I've been remembering so much is right, being around a lot of people. I think I grew up in a big family and I really love to be around a lot of people. I like hearing laughter.

I love the camaraderie of being backstage. with other people and I don't know when that's coming back. I mean, that's going to be a long time before we do that again, I think. Yeah, I can't. I really like, I'm not, I minimize my news intake. I minimize a lot of that stuff. I just, because I don't, it doesn't bring, I'm like, I'll, I'll listen and read the stuff that feels imperative and or I will be told by my most anxious friend.

Yeah. What like or or like piece together news event from a joke on Twitter. So you have no idea what's going on right now. I know that like I know that do you think of the beer is doing like this big campaign. Like catch it. Catch the virus. But I don't like. I'm just not a corporate guy.

So like I don't pay attention to like I know when something is like an ad. You know what I mean? So I don't pay attention. Yeah. Right. Right. And what else? What's another joke? Um, and, oh, is that all you've become? Is that all you've become? I thought we were really connecting here. Yeah. No, I, so, no, but I, I, I, I keep it pretty limited. I keep what, what I intake as limited as possible because I just don't feel as though there's anything that I will, there's nothing about it that will bring me comfort or joy or safety. Um, so I take in the minimal amount to understand what's happening. And then I, and then I, and I, and I, and I try to listen to like, you know, what, things that I can try to be helpful with. But otherwise, like, here, reading news or, or getting overly involved just makes me, just

brings me no joy. Like, I don't know what it, what it, no, I'm the same, I'm the same way. I don't want to, all I know is that it's late spring. That's all I know. It's, that's everything else. I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't know when this is airing, but I'll tell you.

you this, it's 420 today and I never forget that. Hey, man. You know what I'm saying. No, I don't know what you're saying. You were 20. All right. That's it. 20. You know what 420 stands for, Conan? Um, 420 in the afternoon, a good time to choke up the old bongaroo. Okay. Wow. You really do. You really do know fish. People think I'm not hept to what's going on, but that's the time when you grab a jazz cigarette out of your bootleg. And then it's off to see Mama Cass, you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. And you hit that Bongaroo as...

The old A Bongaroo! That's where Bonaroo came from. Yeah, came from... Anyway. You're doing the impression of Adam Sandler saying Bongaroo. A bongaroo! Wait, where does 4-20? Okay, you'll tell them about that.

Well, 420 was... I used to do this joke on stage. I'd ask people. And they would go, I go, 420, what does it stand for? And usually it's, you know, it's like some people believe it's police code. But every time I did it, the other thing I would hear is Hitler's birthday. Like someone in the crowd always screamed 420, Hitler's birthday. And I was like, yeah, that makes sense that like all of the stoners got together.

And they were like, for the original bake monster himself. Adolf Cheetos finger. He was a chill dude. That's for sure. Hey, you know what? I know you got to go, Nick, and I do not want to keep you you've got things to do,

you've got people to see. I got to go. You've got to go, man. I got to go, man. I got to go. I got to go to the bathroom. I've been drinking so much water today. I got to go.

I got to go. I got to go. I don't know how to do it. I don't know. Get easy. I don't know. You're going to be fine. Breakdown at end of the podcast.

Nick Kroll breaks down. I don't want to do. Losing it. I'm going to be over. It's over now, Nick. It's over. It's over. And you know what?

Absolutely delightful to talk to you. Wish it could have been in the studio together so I could smell you. You're a very good smelling man. I'm going to put that out there. Thank you. It's cool water. Sandalwood? Cool water cologne from when I was 13, same bottle.

Okay. Very nice. Well, Conan, I just want to say if I could have told my high school self that one day I would be doing a podcast with Conan O'Brien, that high school kid would have, first of all been like, don't, I don't, you're a grown man. Don't talk to me. And then second, he would have said, I don't know what a podcast is. What's that? And then third. he would have been like past the bongaroo let's go to a fish show

and then fourth he would have been like that's so cool I can't believe that your your buddies with Conan O'Brien that means that means you did something right and then fifth he would have said but won't he be dead by then he's old oh hey thanks so much for doing this honestly take care of yourself a true pleasure thank you for having me. I'm honored to be here. And let's keep chatting. You know what? I'll come back and do the, I'll do the podcast again. I'll come back next week. Come back and do it someday when all the madness is over. Let's do it next week. We'll do it. We'll do round two. We'll see where Nick is that in the quarantine. Where is he at? Too much. Okay. Too much, Nick. That's way too much Nick. No, no one wants that. The boards are lighting up. A lot of people are unhappy with that idea.

Okay. I let's pretend I have boards lighting up. I love it. It's one of the, it's, that's the beauty. of technology. Conan, thank you for having me. This was a blast. Thank you for doing it. We've got some questions from the listeners regarding what to do in quarantine, and they want some advice or commentary, and the first question goes to you, Sona. Are you ready? Yes. Sona, this is from Ricky Vargas on Facebook. What would be some good Armenian homeopathic recipes for someone with allergies and not coronavirus? Ah, well, you know what? It's funny. I Conan, you're going to make fun of me for this, but I just made this drink that I've been making. It's lemonade, but it's lemon with honey and apple cider vinegar and some olive oil.

And then you mix it in with some tea. And it's like an Arnold Palmer, but it's healthier. And then if you want to put some garlic in that, I know you're making fun of me. I'm not. I respect all cultures. Anyway, I just drink that. Sona eats a lot of garlic and turmeric root and Wolfsbank. and various powders and things,

things that have been handed on through the generations by the elders. And I think that could be helping. What I don't like is when someone is really sick, you know, and they've got a really bad disease and they're about to flatline. And someone comes in and says, A little garlic, have some garlic, chew it up.

No, he was shot in the chest with a shotgun. A little garlic could help. That's when I think, you know, miss me, you know? That's when I think people need to listen to Western medicine. That's just me. I'm sorry. When someone's shot, okay, I'll try that. If I ever get shot, I'll go to the hospital instead of going to my mom's house and be like, Mom, I got shot. Sona, you're, I happen to know that your family is suspicious of hospitals. Yeah, they are. They're very suspicious of hospitals. It's not, here's the thing. My grandma, my dad, the way my dad looks at is my grandma was admitted

in the hospital and she never came out. So she died. So there's something. She was 125 years old. And she had been in a motorcycle accident. So, yes, she didn't come out of the hospital, but it's not because hospitals are bad places. What was she doing riding that chopper down San Vicente Boulevard at 150 miles an hour? You care to answer that question?

Well, yeah, yeah, like to ride. I don't know what to tell you. Well, she wrote in a group called Yaya's Angels, remember? Do you remember any of this? Oh, we got to look out for that hospital. because when Yaya at 125 wiped out on her chopper and went sliding into a gas station and it exploded and she didn't make it out of the hospital. That hospital must have done something. Uh-oh, Sona's frozen. She's frozen again. Are we still recording the laughs? Yeah, you are. I have the

laughs are recording. Okay, it's just this, it's just this thing. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get you, Sona, for, I'm going to get you real Wi-Fi. I have great Wi-Fi. My Wi-Fi hasn't gone out at all. This is the only time it's going out. I have. fiber. Yeah, yeah. No, I feel like I'm talking to a cosmonaut in 1961 from Earth. And you're like, the mission is going well. You have terrible. I know you live far away, but we have to get you. Do they have available Wi-Fi? What's it called? Altadena, yes, I have it. I have fiber. Oh, can't hear you. You chose to live in a place that's not legally in America. Where is it if it's not in America? Altadena, I think, is a unknown province.

It's like the forbidden zone in Planet of the Apes. Her internet is freezing left and right. The listeners won't know that that's the case because we're stitching all this audio together. Yeah. So you're going to sound like an idiot when this all comes together because you're talking about something. You don't have to use any of that. I'm just, I'm happy to do Altadina slams until the cows come home. Okay.

Should we take one more question? This is from Luke Sinclair on Facebook. If the three of you were in a Bond film, what roles would you each fill? villain, Bond mentor, American agent, etc. Now, since we know Conan would be the villain, what would your plan be, what's your grudge, and what would be your physical characteristic, i.e. iPach, clients, etc.

Wait a minute. The person who wrote in to us said that I would be the villain? Yeah. Wow. I thought you were saying that. No, this was all their words. Not mine, I mean, I agree with it for sure. I think we all know, yes, I would be the villain.

Man, that hurt, but it's also true. Yeah, I wouldn't be, I certainly wouldn't be Bond. yes, I'd be a really good villain. I'd be an excellent villain, especially the part where, you know the way the villains are so courteous in James Bond movies? They're so courteous. They love to say like, oh, Mr. Bond, welcome. I hope, you know, Bond is always a knocked unconscious and then he wakes up. And the first thing the villain does is like serves him an amazing meal and gives him a really nice drink and gives him a tour of the hollowed out volcano. I would do all of those things. I would enjoy it. So I'd be a very hospitable, I think, Phil.

Sona be your henchman? No. No. Sona and I would have to be opposed to each other. So Sona's kind of like James Bond. Can I please be James Bond? Yeah, but he gets things done. You know what?

You're right. You know, no. You have a point. Yeah. Can you imagine you is James Bond? James, did you get to Bermuda okay to stop the bad guy? Oh, yeah. Bermuda.

Right. I was supposed to get on the plane and go to Bermuda. Okay. I can do that, I think. No, no, no, he's already left Bermuda and he's got the nuclear codes. Okay. Okay, I'm going to go feed Oaky. Wait, I never answered my question.

What would your physical characteristic be? Oh, I know what it would be. Sometimes a bad guy wears one monocle, I would wear two monocles. Instead of glasses, I would wear two monocles each that would have a string coming off of it. No one's ever done that before. I would be the villain with two monocles. What's your villain name? Monoculus.

You should have the strings cross over on your face, too. I'm Doc Monoculus. And the strings cross. God, I would love to play Doc Monocula. Okay, who am I? Because I want someone to do a drawing of this. Oh, I feel like you'd be the scientist that comes up with all the gizmos. Yes, yes.

You would be the cue, except most of your gizmos just have to do with, like, podcasts. You know? They're like, now, if you're trapped by the bad guys, this gun turns into a pretty good microphone. And from there, you can use it to talk to the broad city gals and just keep it to 40 minutes. Oh, okay. And what does this do? This is a pill. If you get in real trouble, bite down on the pill.

And then suddenly, you were in a room with Andy Daley. and you guys are improvising. Okay, so give me a title for this movie and then someone needs to make this poster. Well, we didn't figure out what Sona does. No, I thought I was a lazy James Bond. Yes, Sona's a lazy James Bond. Sona is a bond that never is given the mission,

says, yes, I'll do it, leaves, gets all the gadgets, and then chills at home, and, you know, watches, love is blind, and has an edible. Yeah. And phone calls keep coming in from the British government. Like, we have seen no evidence

that you ever showed up. You didn't pick up your plane tickets. You didn't do anything. So what's the title of this film? Does it have to be dramatic? Like, dying is such... Sweet sorrow. Yeah.

There are always things like no time to die. Yeah. Time for... Oh, man. Quantum of Salas. What a bad name that was. That's an Ian Fleming title, actually.

I know. Well, that's probably what killed him. It was not the full bottle of vodka and 70 cigarettes he had every single bit. 70? Yes, for real. No time for time. No time to work. Yeah, no time to work.

Too lazy to die? How about too chill to die? Sonom of Sessian is James Bond in too chill to die. Because you never go anywhere or do anything. and so you're never killed. And the villain, you're the ultimate, none of the villains, the villains are so pissed at you.

Because you never show up at the volcano. You never show up at the secret lab in the desert because you're chilling at home. You're watching Netflix. It's all good. I feel like your villain power would be being really passive aggressive. And you'd just be really passive aggressive

with everybody. And I would hold the United Nations up for ransom. I would say, I have a beam that will shoot passive aggression at the UN and just make it feel kind of everyone in the UN all the world leaders are going to feel kind of shitty about themselves but not quite be sure podcast is but not be quite be sure why he's already done it yeah okay so somebody out there make that poster and send it into us i can't wait yeah and your reward nothing

conan o'brien needs a friend with sonam obsession and conan o'brien as himself produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bechtin. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher,

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