Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nick Kroll Returns

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

Comedian and actor Nick Kroll feels strongly about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nick sits down with Conan once again to discuss his new special Little Big Boy, becoming a dad, and working with Mel Brooks on History of the World, Part 2. Plus, Conan recounts his run-in with a delivery drone. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Nick Kroll, and I feel strongly about Conan O'Brien's friend. Not about being my friend, but about Conan O'Brien's friend. Yes. I don't have a lot of friends, so I don't know which one you feel strongly about. I'm going to go with Marty Short. Okay. I feel strongly about Marty Short. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined today by my stalwart chums.

Hey. Sonomo Sessian. Hi. Hi. I'm Matt Gorley. You're a Wunderkind, Gorley. I'll say that. Where's that coming from?

Well, just that we babble in Bible, and then whenever I check out the podcast, you just do a very lovely job. You make it all happen. Oh, thanks. And I got to, you know, you're the secret sauce. I'm going to say that right now. I'm not alone. There's a Duardo, there's Adam, there's Blay, there's Ruthie.

They really do nothing. You think about it? I mean, Eduardo actively works against the podcast. That's true. I try to mute them every time. Yeah. And Eduardo, I mean, the number of times that Eduardo has actively tried to remove my voice from the podcast is stunning.

Yeah. I mean, I can't let him fall on the sword. That comes from high up. Okay. It comes from you. The biggest note on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend is less Conan. We're hearing that a lot across the board. And that was always the note on late night with Conan O'Brien, Conan.

And it's the Conan shows during Conan. Less Conan is what people wanted. And you got to give them what they want. Yeah. Now. Also, I think I add something too. Thank you so much. Well, you do.

You do. You do. Oh, God. No, I was about to say, you are a wonderful part of the podcast. I was going to say, and also it's amazing that you can make it here because you have twin boys, you know, you're a working mom and that's an incredible thing. But then there's part of me that wants to take that compliment away because you get so much help from your family.

Okay. And I'm bitter about that. Why are you bitter? Why are you bitter? How much? I was unattended as a child. I can be here. I roamed the forest.

No. Okay. You did not roam a forest. You grew up in a suburban part of Boston. Yes. Yes. Dark forests on every side. No, I've been there.

The forests of Newton. No. West Boylston. What the hell are you talking about? The dark, frightening forests of Natick, Wellesley. I mean, no one knows what you're talking about exactly from Boston. Yeah. You're making them happy.

You act like you were raised by the Blair Witch or something. Well, I'm tempered and then you probably had it easy as a dad. Come on. Give it to her. No, no, no, no. No, there was, listen, there were six kids, two parents, both of them off doing their own thing, working hard, God bless them. But and you had your grandma, wasn't your grandma living with you and helping you out?

She was just telling us, watch out for those Protestants. They'll get you at school. I mean, she, she was, she was from the Victorian area, literally. Yeah. So she was always trying to get my sisters to wear like a corset made of whale bone. You know, one of the things my grandmother would always say is, don't sit in wet grass or you'll get diarrhea. What?

This is the kinds of things. Wait a minute. So yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I love my grandmother. Her name was Maddie, but I don't, you know, I'm just curious on the logic of that. Is it that the, the wetness from the grass is seeping in and infecting the blood?

There is no logic. Well, yeah. What are you doing? There's no logic here. You know, I can't have shoes flipped upside down or it'll throw off my whole life. Like that's what I've been told. Like if you store shoes, it can't be upside down. So I never put shoes upside down.

That's the superstition that you heard? Yeah. What other superstitions do you have in your family? Oh God, there's so many. You can't have any dirty dishes in the sink at the end of the day. They all have to be clean and put away. Well, that's not a, that's just called. Clearly just a manipulation.

Well, no, it means, it just, there's anything, there's like, you're tying up loose ends. Like, you know, purse straps can't be in knots or shoes, shoes, like, can't be in knots. Oh, because it's a bad, because it's a bad energy. It's bad energy. My family was like, don't touch the fire. It's hot. Yeah. Because you came from a long line of sensible folk, protestants.

But, um. What does that mean? Mine, people are not sensible. Oh, oh, come on, Sony, you know, they're not, they're not sensible people and neither are mine. I bet you don't sing. We don't come from sensible people. You don't sit in wet grass, though, even today, probably, because you think you'll get diarrhea.

No. There's a party that kind of believes it. And when you do get diarrhea, do you think to yourself, did I sit in wet grass today? And guess what? Every time I have, I went to a wet grass festival. I was on the toilet for nine years after that. I know that is the diarrhea festival. Yeah.

It's interesting. Yeah. Well, I didn't know it by that name. It says it in parentheses underneath. I see. Wet grass festival. Now serving diarrhea. Well, listen, providing diarrhea since 1908.

No, I did not. There was not a lot of sense. I mean, I'm probably one of the people that my parents got to look after us kids while they were away was this woman. I think she was from Prince Edward Island and she, you know, had rural customs and traditions. I said a word that wasn't even that bad, like crud or what is this crud? She washed, she took me to the bathroom on the second floor of our house and took out a bar of dial soap and washed my mouth out with soap.

Oh boy. And I don't think that's happened to anybody in my generation. I've had my mouth washed. You had your mouth washed? My grandma washed my mouth. Oh, she did? What? Okay.

Well, then I give, I... It's as bad as it sounds. And you know what I remember really clearly? Like this is a punishment that goes back a hundred years. It's a Dickensian punishment. I remember at her, she's rubbing, no, listen, this is me. Of course, everyone's laughing. You're making me laugh because you're making me laugh.

I know I'm on camera. This is what happened. Show me with both hands. Here's the, well, if you insist, so the soap, here's the problem. How do you mime anything like getting your wash, your mouth washed out with soap and not invoke the ol' ha-ha? I think you hold it like this and just go like that. No, because I'm telling you what she did.

I'm pretty sure it was soap. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, what was this? Now you're all repressed memory. That was no lady. No, anyway, I'm sorry, I'm realizing all these things right now. Oh, my God, this took such a dark turn.

Anyway, what I remember is, I don't know if you have the same experience. The soap bar was going vigorously in and out of my mouth. Imagine bar of soap. This is a making this. This is not the dimensions of a cock, but what I remember is, again, everyone here is losing it. What I remember is the soap caking up on the back of my front teeth. It's the punishment that keeps on punishing because you can't get it out.

Yes, because you taste it for days afterwards and when I'd hiccup, a bubble would come out. Yeah, yeah, and this isn't the days of ivory artisanal soaps. This is like Irish spring chemical. That tastes really good. I would have killed for Irish spring. They're little pits of beef and lamb in there. The Irish know how to make a soap, God damn it.

No, I'm telling you that that's how I grew up. So I think sometimes I become angry, Sona, when I see how much you're getting all this great help from your parents. You did come in a little angry today and I think your way of releasing your anger is just to shit on me. That's terrible. It's been what you do. It's my job security.

It's fine. I get it. You've got amazing mustache and he's taking such good care of your boys as is your lovely mother. My mom, yeah. And you've got all these cousins and everyone comes from the neighborhood and they all hold the baby. You're yet to hold your own children.

I can't believe you begrudges. She had twins. She's a working mom with twins and you're begrudging her getting help. You're a monster. Exactly. I resent it. Go get some soap. Let's water it.

I resent it. And please make sure it's Irish spring. And also get some cox. Yeah, cox shaped soap. I remember it was cox shaped for a short time. Oh, that makes for sense. Yes. For a short time, dial was making a dildo shaped soap.

It was a failed experiment. It was 1973 to 1975. No, because they had Irish swing. Well, that makes switch to Irish swing. That's right. Yeah. And then... Irish swing.

I like to wash my mouth every day, eating out and eating out with the old Irish cockaroo. All right, we got to get to it. This is stupid. This is stupid. And my apologies to people in the soap industry, anyone who's been triggered by their mouth being washed out with soap or filleting a soapy cock. Here we go. My guest today.

Jesus. This is unbearable. How do we... How do you go into it now? How do we continue? How do we continue? Actually, this will be just fine. That's actually...

You're right. Yeah. It's not like I'm talking to the secretary of state right now. All gone. Take me away. My guest today is a hilarious comedian, actor and writer, who is the co-creator and voice of over 25 characters on the animated series Big Mouth, which just premiered its sixth season on Netflix.

He also has a new stand-up special, Little Big Boy, also streaming on Netflix. Very excited he's with us today. I love this guy. I feel strongly about Marty Short. And guess what? If we contacted him right now, he would say, I really don't consider Conan a friend. I really don't. Marty is always so good at something that sounds like a compliment, and he goes like,

one of the more recent ones is Conan. I mean, you've done so incredibly well when you consider the talent you have. I did stumble on a super cut of him just roasting you on your show on YouTube. Just quickly, if I could just promote YouTube. If you want to go see clips online, YouTube is a great website. And this is something you started a while ago, right? Yes. Well, it's a family business.

Yeah. Well, the old family name was Utubian. Thank you for making me Armenian and not Jewish. Well, I mean, what did you point to me? Out of respect. Out of respect for you and your Armenian heritage. Thank you. Okay.

That's very nice. Yeah. I thought if he was Armenian, he'd say his name was Nicknickian, because that's what you think Armenian names are. No, no, I just, I don't, I can't remember your, I love your husband, TAC, but instead of learning his last name, I always call him TAC, Taxesium. And that's funny, though. But I mean, it's just very fun.

It's good wordplay. Yeah, it's very clever. Really is in my wheelhouse. Well, I'm glad. I think if you was a friend, we've known each other for a while. We have. And you are unfailingly funny, always funny. Thank you.

You really are. That's a weird, unfailingly funny, it's one to navigate. It's a word, you don't know exactly where you stand inside of it. It's a put down. Yeah. No, it is not a put down. No, no, when I'm around you, we've had meals together. We have enjoyed each other's company.

All those years, you would come on late night. We were just talking before the show about one of my favorite things ever that you did on the show, which is a specific kind of 1970s acting that involved a guy eating with no manners, throwing food into his mouth that also available on YouTube. Yeah. Again, great website. I think you're my, I think my first late night appearance was on your show. And which was a great, was truly like, couldn't believe that I was on your show, could not

believe it. Right. And so fired your agent the next day, I fired my agent, I fired my publicist and I left the business for five years. I read a reconnection with myself, but then I looked in the mirror every day and I said, you are unfailingly funny. I was confused every day when I heard this statement. It's a good tongue twister too.

It is. It's proof. Yes. But truly it was. And, but we did, but then, so it was, it's crazy to be on your show, but then to feel like I genuinely, we've had dinner, you said we've had dinners, we've had very intimate dinners together. Yes, we have.

Just the two of us alone in Manhattan Beach on the water, it was a seafood meal. But no, we have had for dinners together, which is also, all those little things are very, been very important for me. I want to say that there's been a couple of times where we've intensely tried to get a bunch of funny people together and you're always part of the equation. Other people come in and out and I take that to mean that you're just available. Yes. I am, I am always tech avail for Hanks.

I am, I'll drop anything, family, I am, you're just, you're right there. I am unfailingly available. Unfailingly available. So much to talk about here. You have a stand up special that you've done, which is a new turn for you. I mean, so often I see you submerged in characters and voices and you're so good at it. And then to sort of be yourself up there talking is quite, I imagine a different experience. Yeah.

I've always sort of done stand up as a sort of a side thing. Like I always had like, oh, I always had a little bit of 15, 20 minutes of material, but it was always, and I did a special years and years ago, but even that special was sort of half characters and half stand up and then I just burped and I tried to talk through it. Let's play that again. Can we hear that back? So it was, it was like, it was always felt like a thing.

I did on the side and then it was like, and I realized part of that was out of fear. I think because it's, you know, doing the, even like going and doing like 70s eatering your shows, like, oh, that feels like more versus me sort of getting up there and telling some story from my life, it was like, oh, this feels like more fun and different. So ultimately I wanted to do it and sort of be like, I can, I can, I can be, be a real like stand up comedian on stage for an hour and do this pretty low bar. I say it out loud. I'm like, I really just wanted to be on stage for an hour as myself and see if I could physically

do that. But I did a special where I ate 75 eggs for Netflix in 40 minutes and it's coming out. Is it? Yeah. Conan Han Luke. Exactly. Anyway, so I did that and then it was a great, it took a long time. I started before the pandemic and toured for a while and then the pandemic happened and

if you guys haven't checked out it, you guys should check out the, the pandemic. The pandemic is on tomorrow. Yeah. The pandemic is on tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the COVID variants are coming on later in the week. Yes.

The original is on tomorrow. The originals on tomorrow. Who's very bitter about the variants, by the way, really like, hey, what the fuck? I was here. I'm the one that locked it all down and now there's fucking variants. What did they come up with? COVID is a New York Italian? Yeah.

Yeah. We all knew that. We all, I think we're all pretty clear about that. And then, so I, and then the life sort of, the fun of doing standup and the tricky thing is sort of allowing people in to being like, here's who I am or here's the narrative I want to tell you. And so the lockdown happened and I got married and had a child and that sort of began to affect the material.

And ultimately, so I shot it like almost two years after I thought it was going to. And now it's done. I feel good about it. And so that's right. And congratulations on a boy. Yes. A masculine child. May he be a masculine child.

And a little over a year old, right? Yeah. You're in a couple months. Almost two, which is a little over a year. Which is it? A little over a year or almost two? Let's call it almost two. Okay.

I don't think this child exists. You don't, you seem very vague on the fact he's, um, I guess, like, I guess he's sort of, people ask how tall he's, he's like sort of purple is that makes it clear you've had no child and you're just trying to use this, no, it's got information. It's got hair in all the parts. Yeah. The TV in the middle of the stomach. No, you didn't have a child.

Yeah, you gotta tell it to me. In fact, you got the gay one. May he be, may he be a masculine gay child. Oh, yeah. With that television. Yeah. Television's reading his stomach. Yeah.

But he's a good thing. Whatever it is, it's wonderful. You know what I like to do? I would like to do a stand up special where I'm really opening up, but everything is a lie. And later, you know what I mean? But I'm talking about being a grandfather for the first time and I'm talking about it and I'm really opening up and I'm talking about my divorce, but I'm not divorced.

I don't have grandchildren. There's nothing. Well, okay. It's a real emotional. Like I'd love the real, like the one man show, Conan, one man show. Yeah. And then I talked about, yeah. And then the part where people really get mad is when I start talking about how I was

in NAMM and people are like, okay, fuck you. You were not in Vietnam. And I'm like, no, no, no, I visited in 2006. It was a good trip. I stayed at a five star hotel. People are just furious about it. Let's talk about Big Mouth because I love that show. Big Mouth is, and I particularly love how it's very funny and edgy, but also there's

a sensitivity there to what kids are really going through. And you work hard on that, right? Yeah. You try and talk to specialists, educated people who can give you some information, but it doesn't get in the way of the comedy. It's not one of those after school specials where you feel everything's been compromised because of the message. Yeah.

I think we, I mean, well, you know, again, just to, I don't, I'm not even getting paid that much by Google or YouTube, but I just, if you want to go to, you can go to check up. We went and talked to some kids on school. We went and did some sex education together. That's right. You and I did. Yeah.

I learned more than the kids. I knew nothing. Yeah. But we do, I think. Yeah. You and I did a remote where we went and talked to kids and it was actually, there was some great moments. There was a kid who looks so much like you.

I don't know if you remember this, but there was a kid I was doing a bit with on, you know, and, but there was like a child there who looked exactly like you. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? It's a type. There's a type of child that looks a lot like me. Like dead ass, handsome.

Aw. Yes. Sort of like, shit. Who shrunk Brad Pitt? Oh, okay. Oh, oh, it's a child. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Oh, wait. Who shrugs up Brad Pitt and then weirdly, and then weirdly elongated him further out again. Benjamin Button? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Well, and each child that looks like me looks like they're 95 years old.

And if you give them enough time, they grow into an incredibly handsome, handsome guy. But we, we do take that. I think we take it seriously because I think ultimately, you know, I don't know if we realize it when we started. I think we started. It's a show that feels like a sort of my friend Andrew Goldberg and I, based on our childhood, it's going to, we're going to talk about puberty, we're going to talk about kids masturbating, all that stuff.

But, but I think after the first season came out, we realized, oh, kids were going to actually watch the show, which we didn't really, we were making a show for us. And so as time has gone on, we've got much more sort of serious about how we, how we write it, how we think about it emotionally, but also kind of be responsible with what we're, the facts and things that we're talking about, talking to kids this season. You know, we have, we have a character on this season played by Brian Tyre and Henry, whom people might know from Atlanta as paper boy, or he's been a bunch of, he's such a good actor.

Anyway, he's playing a kid who turns out to be a, a asexual. And that was something that like the internet had Twitter, people have been asking us about representation of that kind of character. And so if we're going to do that, we try to talk to sex educators, to people who identify as asexual, like start to have those conversations so that when we're doing it, we, we're being somewhat as, as faithful to a real story as possible, while simultaneously not being preachy or, or too after school, especially, because once, and you can feel it when you're pitching it out, you're like, oh, this feels like we'll outline something, you can hear it out like

oh, we're being too like sort of preachy or finger waggy about this. And if it's not funny, then the, the, the larger things that we're talking about won't work. And if we're just trying to be funny without thinking about what's actually emotionally happening with these characters, then, then, then it, it lacks the real like huge jokes that could be, that we can find. Yeah. That's, I mean, my philosophy has always been comedy should not instruct.

And maybe I've taken that too far. I, my people know less after they watch any of my, I watch, I, I find all of your motorcycle maintenance videos super useful. Yeah. They're, they're, I wish I knew a little bit more about motorcycles before I did them. Yeah. I'm always telling people, put the pancake batter in this, in this part of the motorcycle and.

Does that work by the way? If you put the pancake batter in a motorcycle engine, does it work? Long tubular dough comes out of the exhaust. That's where, that's where fried dough, not, it doesn't taste terrible. It's got some motor oil in there. It doesn't quite taste like a stay fair, but it's, it's close enough. Hey, if you're on the go and you want to have some fried dough in a tubular pipe shape, what better way than pouring batter?

Last minute. Yeah. Last minute, large intestines for a costume. Oh my God, very nice idea. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Yes. The Pope of comedy has just blessed you. You may go now. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I'll never wash that. It is, I'm going to, we don't do this often, but I will reveal that today is Halloween, tonight is Halloween and this is going to be, do you, if a child is less than two, do

they, they don't care about Halloween, do they? He does not care about how he doesn't understand it, but he, we tried to put a costume on him and he, he knew somehow that he doesn't want to wear anything on his head. Your kid, like they don't want to wear anything on their heads. They don't have to put that, you know, there has to be some sort of elastic keeping it on, but don't they then just, yeah, but then they, my kid is ripping it off. So that I knew, we want to, he likes, he's limited interests, frankly. He likes blueberries.

That's more than limited, that's specific. Yeah. Focus. He loves them. Yeah. Well, he probably just loves any antioxidant. He loves antioxidants. He's a health nut.

Yeah. He's an absolute. I'm told that was my first word. Yeah. Antioxidants. True. Because I worried about cancerous cells. As a young child, as in the early sixties, is that how you spoke as a dad, well, that's

also me. That's me very young. It's also me very old as a very old woman. And which is happening slowly or where I'm transitioning, I'm getting older and transitioning at the same time. What a dream. Yeah. I would, I will happily come back on the podcast at that point.

I'd love to be a cruel old woman someday. You're getting there. Yeah. Right? I'm getting there. Virtually there. Yeah. I just want to like peer, I want to part my curtains and peer suspiciously out the window

of my Victorian mansion at any, at young couples just doing completely normal things and go, hmm, we'll see about that. And then call the police. That's what I really dream of. Calling the police regularly. Calling the police as an old, a really old Karen, an old lady Karen. I just like you in a big bed. Yeah.

I'm in a giant bed and I have a long suffering butler who takes care of me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

What? Do you have a hard candy I could suck on? Oh, be good time. What are you talking about? Yeah, this is what it's all about. The only thing that comes me when I'm an old woman is a hard butterscotch to suck on. ShOOTING? Can't even take the plastic off, it's melted in.

No. Come on. He's eating the plastics. Yeah. But I call it the skim. What are you wearing in this bed? Oh, I'm wearing a tattered old wedding dress. I'm Ms. Havisham Dickens' wedding dress.

Because she didn't show on the day. And then a clipper's hat. Yeah, pulled recklessly to the side. Now I'm going to rap for y'all. My name is Conan and I'm here to say no, not that 80s rap. Where did this go? Why are you rapping? Because you put a Lakers hat on me and then I mean a clippers hat and then it went on sideways. Where else can you go?

Then you got to go to rap. That's the scariest ghost I've ever heard. So that's what my kids Halloween costume ended up being. This is Mrs. Conan. That's fantastic. That was why the costume took a little work to get into. It is funny how you're in that. There's this phase where you're doing things because it's supposed to be for the kid,

but their full computer hasn't turned on yet. And you know this too, girly, where it's you know, yeah, you're going to sit on Santa's lap or Happy Hanukkah or... Thank you by the way. Is it Chanukkah? No, it's Hanukkah. You got it right. Okay. And is it Christmas?

It couldn't wait. Christmas. Merry Christmas. The Jewish Nark trying to pass. So you say... I love that. I love that idea. Jewish Nark. Yeah. Merry Christmas.

Another Christian boy. Not for your blood. And now you're not sure about the traditions. You're trying to light the tree on fire. We light all the candles on the tree on fire. No, no, you don't do that. And we don't control the media today. By the way, is Kanye coming on?

Are you going to get him when he comes on? Yeah, he's on right after you. He's outside. He's ready to come in. I was thinking, oh, to be responsible, I should not buy Kanye stuff. And then I realized I've never bought Kanye stuff. I would never wear Kanye stuff. You don't want to buy sweatshirts for the very depressed?

Exactly. All of his sweatshirts are so like tattered and big. You don't wear that if you're in a good mood. Right, right. Okay. You took us there. Sorry, I brought it down there. It was on Jewish stereotypes in Christmas.

It was good. But once Kanye comes up, our whole mood changes. I know it's wild. But anyway, so my kid won't wear a costume. So you normally wouldn't date this as a Halloween. You don't date it. You don't want people to know when this is, when this came, when this has happened.

Well, I'm looking at our producer here. He's giving a thumbs up. Yeah, and he's saying it's fine. Look, people, we can acknowledge that things sometimes, I don't know when's this coming out. When's it coming out? Oh, November 7th. It's just a week later.

People are still reeling from Halloween at this point. A week later. Still got that Halloween candy out. Right. You know, some of that stuff he can have for a couple of months. Some of that stuff you can really get, keep getting kids to come to your house. Okay.

Yeah. What do you mean exactly? Wait a minute. If you've got the candy out, then kids keep coming to the house. I see. Uh-huh. Yeah. Why?

Yeah. What do you mean, why? Uh-huh. Let's not ask why. It's good to have kids around. Can we get Kanye in here? It's a little more comfortable. When you're bringing Kanye in to lighten the mood,

you know you have a problem. You know, you gotta mention this, right? I told you once that my brother Justin and I were in Boston, and he had his kids with him, and we just stopped in Boston Common. There was a playground there, and I'm leaning against this chain link fence with my brother, and it's, I don't know, December or something,

and my brother's kids are playing in the playground, and I'm just hanging out. And this guy came by, and no joke, just this Boston guy came by, and he's like, hey, Conan, you know, he's like, hey, Conan, you got a kid in that playground? And I just said, you better fucking hope so. Like, no.

I just heard there was a playground here, and I wanted to kind of hang out. But it was like, what a weird question. That's just the Boston version of saying you got a dog in this fight. Yeah, yeah, but maybe it is. You got a kid in this playground? Where are you from, originally?

I'm from Rye, New York, the tough streets of Rye, New York. Yeah, I'm from, uh, roughly a place in that, Brooklyn, Massachusetts. Wow. Yeah, that's where I cut my teeth. Really? Yeah. If you survive, Brooklyn, Mass is a child.

You end up like you. I end up like me. And John F. Kennedy. Okay. Really? Yeah, he's from Brooklyn. Yeah. And I think someone who was in Aerosmith once,

it gets all blurry after John F. Kennedy, you kind of lose track. And one of the guys from New Kids on the Block, Joey. Which is more exciting than John F. Kennedy. Frankly. Yeah, I think it was Joey McIntyre. Yeah, he lived not too far from me.

That's cool. And I used to hope that the groupie, there were groupies that hung around his house. Yeah. And I remember once a couple of them got bored waiting for Joey and they, like two of them came over and stood outside my house, but with no conviction at all. And they're like, yeah, someone said Conan lives here.

We're going to go back and wait for Joey. And I'm like, well, if you want, I can sign something for you. We're good. We're good. You look like you're transitioning into an old woman. Yeah. So we're good.

Yeah. That's a big deal. Big deal town I'm from. I don't know about Ryan, New York. I don't know what's going on there. It's beautiful, beautiful town. Barbara Bush went to my high school. So, you know, kind of.

So you got that. So I got that going for me. She, yeah. No, we, I grew up there. And it's, I don't know. It's, it's, I don't have any opinion. I don't know if I have any opinions on it. Yeah.

That's fine. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who is sort of a soulless person. You're not really formed as a person. You know, you're a cipher. You can take on different characters and voices.

Yeah. Seventies eater, but one left to my own devices. Yeah. I say, you're from, where are you from? I don't know. Who am I? What is right? I, I, well, it's weird now.

When you hit a certain age, you have a hometown, but you feel so far removed. Yes. I've been living in Los Angeles for 15 years, which feels insane to me that I was, I'm in an LA. So my life, I still don't know any, I don't, I can't go anywhere without GPS. I don't know how to get anywhere.

Did you, someone asked me the other day, because I first came to LA in 1985 and someone said, wait a minute. There was no GPS. What did you do? And I said, we had something called, this is why I sound like. No, I had to use that because I was born and raised here.

Yeah. So I remembered I had a Thomas guide, which was like this big kind of almost phone book thing. I'd be on the phone, not a cell phone, but just a telephone. And someone would say, yeah, we're having a super bowl at my house. It's in, you know, Sherman Oaks. Oh, okay.

That's in the valley. Where are you? I'm at three, two, five, you know, Westridge lane. And, and I'd say, okay. And I'd write that down. And then I would look up the, in the back and would say, Westridge lane, 1000 Oaks, page 75 B seven grid. And then it was a grid.

And then you would drive. I drove, I had to head into 1977 as Suzu Opal. It looked like they had, I bought it, obviously used at the airport. And it looked like they had butchered meat in the backseat. To her credit, I went to a wedding once. And my date for the wedding was Lisa Kudrow. This is when she was doing improv.

And I was doing improv. And we were, we were what we would call friends. And I said, Hey, maybe you should do a sitcom name that someday. And I'd like a piece of it. Well, someone forgot my piece. Anyway. Yeah. I drove her to this, her mitzvah in that car.

And she got in the car and I saw her physically blanched. It was such a terrible car. But then she was a good, she like got in and didn't say anything about it. And I know she thought, Oh, he murdered someone in the backseat. And now we're going to a wedding. To be fair, there was butchered meat in the backseat of your car. It's a not a bad place to keep butchered meat.

Keep an eye on it. No one can steal it. But it is crazy to think that you would go into Tom's. He'd be like, Okay, it's Sherman Oaks. It's a 25 page 76. And then you would have to then find the route from where you were to then be like, I guess I'll, I guess I'll take the one out. But, and then you, did you just hold it in?

You know, we were, it was pre GPS. Would you like hold it in your lap? I would keep, yeah. You'd hold it in your lap or you'd keep it sort of like, you know, in the, in the space between the two seats or I would keep mine often. I was never, I was hardly ever driving anybody. I was usually alone.

So, yeah. Cause you had been butchered. Yeah. Yeah. It was no, no chick magnet in my car. But yeah, you would do that. And I remember very clearly the first time I got GPS. Someone told me about it and I, it was in a rental car I was using.

And so I didn't know where my friend Greg Daniels was. And he said, I met this address and I punched it in and I just followed the directions. I don't know what year this would be, but I followed the directions. And then it said, turn to your right. And it said, your destination is on your left. And I turned to my left and Greg was standing right there. And I swear to God, I looked up and was like, Jesus is real.

This is, I mean, it was such a profound, insane experience. Yeah. It was like, it was probably like a Tom Tom or one of those like things that you put on the car. Yeah. Yeah. And I was blown away that that was possible. And my kids, that's just the reality they know.

They've had that their whole life. You really don't ever learn how to go. And I've largely, since I've lived in LA, there's been some version of GPS and I've like, literally never learned how to drive anywhere in Los Angeles. I don't trust myself to drive anywhere. Are you a good driver? A lot of New Yorkers are terrible drivers.

Yeah. I'm fine driver. I'm like, not great. I'm not a guy. Yeah. I've never been like, I don't know. I think it's weird when people are like, I'm a good driver. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You're a good driver. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're in the Indy 500. Yeah. You know what I mean? Those guys are like, I speed a lot. That's what I feel like they're telling me.

But I, yeah, I grew up driving since the, yeah. I mean, I was, since I was like six, I think I've been driving. Legally. You should be a pretty good driver. I'm pretty good driver. I, I mean, I, if it's like a tiny plastic car with it. And if there's an adult pushing you behind slowly on a level surface, then you're a good driver.

I'm a pretty good driver. If I can steer it. So that's it. I want there to be a really long pause now. Okay. Just because I think that's where we do our best work is doing long pauses. I wish you were my enemy, Nick Kroll. It's not too late.

Listen. No, but listen to me. Hear me out on this. Just think about this on the way over. You've got such a great last name for an enemy. Kroll. Yeah. Because, because if, if you were always, if you were my nemesis and you were constantly

doing things to me, getting me, I could go, Kroll. Kroll. Kroll. I mean, isn't that a great last name? If you want, I can live across the street from old, old Mrs. Conan in, in a house. And then I can peer out and go, Kroll. Yeah. I'm just like a Jimmy Goldstein-esque character throwing massive parties, like weird, loud,

DJed parties. I'm wearing like rhinestone cowboy outfits. That's what you would do. It is truly. I saw him. I went to a Lakers game last night. So do you guys know Jimmy Goldstein, James Goldstein? He's one of the great looking men in the world.

He's the guy at every basketball game who's wearing like a, like a rhinestone cowboy motorcycle. I've seen him. I didn't know that was his name. Yes. And he owns that crazy house, that super mid-century like layer that's in, I don't know. Oh, the Lautner house in Big Lebowski? Yes. Yes.

Yes. That's his house. He owns that house. And what is he, what is his claim to fame other than having the coolest clothes? He goes to like every basketball game and they all know him and like him. And he flies every, he's at almost every game everywhere. Next time you're watching a basketball game, you'll see Jimmy Goldstein. Be great if he had no money.

Yes. Just to me, none. And he was constantly scamming the money to get just in the door and to buy a few more rivets for his pants. Well, that's why I, that's why I want to be your old Mrs. Conan's nemesis, Kroll, who lives in a, what's a lavish, massive loud parties, but he's always coming by to borrow money from you. Conan the Barbarian used to yell about, who is it? Crom. There was a wit.

Crom. But there's a movie called Kroll. This Kroll, K-R-U-L-L. Right. But Conan the Barbarian goes, Crom. Yeah. And I mean, so I just, Kroll feels to me like that would work for me. Kroll.

I want to make sure it works for you first off. Well, your concern should be. Yeah. I mean, here we are. You know. You need a friend. Apparently, yes. If you think my closest friend is Marty Short, and that you can go online and watch him destroy

me in a supercut. Yeah. Would you ever do a followup podcast as Conan the Barbarian needs an enemy? And it's just me and you just. And you're at two every time. Yeah. It's me every time. It's you every time.

And we're just, you'd be down with that, right? That's a great idea. That's a fantastic idea. I'm here for it. Yeah. I am available. I am unfailingly available. The whole episode, you just tear into him all the time.

Yeah. And reasons why you do think you'd make a great enemy. And just, you know, your longstanding hatred for me and all kinds of things you intend to do to me to take me down. How would Kroll open that little script for the intro of the show? Hi. My name is Nick Kroll and I feel great about being Conan O'Brien's enemy. Here's why over the next 46 podcasts in the next year.

You will hear. How I arrived at this moment. The mystery surviving the enemies that I have inside of Conan's universe. I want to ask you about this, this project, this blows my mind. And I love that this is happening. But you've directed a couple of sketches for this upcoming sketch series, History of the World part two, which I saw history of the world part one as a movie when it came out. I think I, it was 1981.

Yeah. 1981. So I was a teenager. This is four years before moving to Los Angeles. That's right. Okay. I would have been, what, 78, 81? I would have been 17 years old when that movie came out.

And I was, you know, huge as I am to this day, huge Mel Brooks fan. And what amazes me and I've had the opportunity to interview him a number of times. He is always funny, unfailingly funny. Yes. One of the few who, who I can say that about. And he, he is now, I think he's 96. He's 96. And you're working with Mel Brooks on this project, which blows my mind.

That's such a high honor. It is, it is a crazy thing. Like I would say for me, I would say, you know, SNL, obviously the Music Man episode from The Simpsons. And those are my biggest two influences. I mean, SNL, obviously big, but Mel Brooks, those movies, really for me, the producers was my favorite movie from when I was like 13 for many, many, many years. But Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, History of the World Part One are hugely important

to my comedy development. And I became, I've had a meeting with Mel at his office and he gave me a box of Raisinets. And it was like the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. And, you know, I love that. I wonder if that's, I think he probably does it with everybody, I think. That's great. I don't, but I, but meeting him, just meeting him alone was truly incredible. And then I got a call being like Mel wants to do History of the World Part Two.

He'd like to do it with you and me and Ike Bernholz and Dave Stass and his writing partner and Wanda Sykes. And then an incredible group of writers and performers are doing a series for Hulu based of, you know, using the movie as a template, which is like historical sketch. And Mel narrates the show. And I got to work with him. I mean, I got to, you know, he's so sharp and so funny. He's still got bits.

There's like jokes throughout the show that are pitches that he still has. And he's, it's like, it's really the most, like the craziest thing for me, I think, of my experience. I think, you know, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Norman Lear, Bob Newhart, they're all these people that live, you know, well, Norman Lear is now a hundred. I think Carl Reiner almost made it to a hundred. And what blows my mind is when I've had the opportunity to be around any of these people, they are the funniest people in the room.

And I always had this fear. And I'll admit this is ages, but it's something you worry about in comedy is do you, does it, will you get less funny? We are mined. Yeah. Will you be less amusing as you get older? Will you lose touch? And I think these guys are as funny as they've ever been.

And I also believe it is part of why they get, why they're so sharp and they're around so long. Yeah. I think there's something about laughing every day and engaging with and being around people that make you laugh. That's some secret to longevity that no one's cracked yet. I think, and I mean, I guess it's the ones who were humorless, died younger, as we can say that now, right?

Yes. Yeah. So anyone who died young had no sense of humor. Yeah, exactly. Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien with a terrible theory that's completely unproven. But James Dean, I didn't see a lot of people laughing. By the way, genuinely not that funny. Exactly.

I keep watching giant and I'm not laughing. Although, have you seen the video of him and Paul Newman having a screen test? Was this part of the Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward documentary? I don't know. I didn't see that, but it's worth, again, there's a, I'm not going to, you guys know the website to go to. Most of the things you're plugging, you don't have, you're only tangentially involved with. But it is, you see the chemistry between Paul Newman and James Dean where you're like,

they are gonna straight up fuck on camera right now. It's crazy. Crazy. Watch it anyway. At any time of day, alone, probably. Yeah. So my point being that Mel Brooks is a legend. No, I agree.

I think that he stays sharp when you see him. He's, I do think that having continued to have a sense of humor, finding people. And I think in the case of Mel and Carl, they were friends, you know, like they were friends for 70 years and got together three nights a week and watched movies. And that's, I mean, that is the dream. Like you're like your, your dearest, most favorite people and friends and comedy in the world that you continue to get together and you continue to make each other laugh. And for me, being able to just have a moment, we, and he is still so funny.

Like we did, it was over Zoom, we did a, a read through of a bunch of sketches with the network and a bunch of people on Mel was there. And at the end, he's like, I like the songs and I liked some of the reads. I was like, he's still just funny and nagging every call, every time. And, and, and I just think he had an incredible palpable energy. I mean, it's also those guys, all those people that you named, I think we're all like, are all World War II vets, which is crazy. Cause you served in, you were in, you were in Vietnam, but you didn't, did you serve?

I went to a hotel in Vietnam. I think now 2006. It was a layover. I was on my way to Aspen. That's a weird way to get to Aspen. But it was for the festival. Yeah. And so I was wearing all ski stuff, really expensive douchey ski stuff.

And I just, I stepped off the plane and checked into a hotel and then got right out again. But I thought that gave me the right to say, I was in the, I was in the, you don't know me. But they all went through real stuff and then also have seen, but it, Mel is also an example, as you were saying of like, when you go back and watch this real world part one, he's, he's sort of very much, it felt, you know, to do a show about history right now is a tricky thing, a sketch show, comedically of being like, how are we going to do this? But you realize on some level, Mel's style was always poking fun at the powerful and the rich, and as like stupid and greedy, but it was never, he's never been very political.

Right. So like, it was actually a very good template to start of like, how do we do all this right now, where you're like sort of, you know, time exposing like the real history, but also sort of never taking itself too seriously. Yeah. And, and Mel, when you go back and watch Mel's stuff, he's doing that so well. I think it's important to remember, I got to interview in a long format Mel Brooks once, and he was telling me this story of he fought in World War II, and he was like on sentry duty,

and he could hear the Germans across the river, and they were shouting insults at each other back and forth. And I'm talking, and you're thinking about, well, this is a, you know, famous Jewish American comedian, one of the greats of all time, who was there. Yeah. He was, the Nazis were on the other side of the river, and he was in uniform. And you think about Norman Lear flying bomber missions. I mean, these guys were part of the most epic struggle against evil in the 20th century, and then also made some of the greatest comedy. It's, I don't know, it's, I can't get over it.

Yeah. And it makes me ashamed of myself. Face off against Mel Brooks in an insult war, like the V2 rocket, you know, they don't even know what they're up against. Yeah, exactly. No, I'm just, that's what I'm saying, like, I don't, I think it's time you and I did something brave to defend our country. Let's go to the Rhine River. Let's go now. Let's go now.

Let's go now and we'll take one of those boats that floats slowly along the Rhine and serves delicious cheeses and wine. And say, yeah, well, I mean, yeah, Mel Brooks did it. And so I did it with Crow. Yeah. Crow and I, we went. Well, I could be your enemy. I could be on one side of the river. Oh, yeah.

And you could be on the other. You could be having dry whites and I could be having richer reds. Yeah. That's where we disagree. You assholes in Lorraine, I'm over here in Alsace. Yeah. Is that how they pronounce it? Did I pronounce it perfectly in German, French?

I think it was fine. It's done. It's fine. It's done. We're going to get some calls now. I love to say we get calls. Yeah. Why can't we just pretend we get calls?

We don't even have a phone. Well, can't you just put in phone sound effects in the background sometimes? Hey, the calls are lighting up. I'll do it right now. Yeah. I'll just add calls to it, whatever you're going to do. Hello, this is Hans from Alsace. I wanted to talk about first time long time.

I wanted to talk about... Well, Hans, are you enjoying the show so far? So far, it's okay. It's not my favorite episode. I listen to your podcast live every day. And yet, Nick Roll on today talking about Alsace and... Did Nick Roll pronounce it correctly? Yes, he did.

Ryan Rivers not even close to Alsace. All right. Just wanted to mark that out for you. So, you know, anyway, thank you for having these coasters here. I need something to do. You've played with them the whole time. I don't know what it is. I don't know what...

They match your watch. They do. It does. You know what? Those are yours if you want them. Really? Yeah. No, and then we charge you.

All right. It's like a robe at a hotel. Saying those are yours. It's a very fine line. It is a robe at a hotel. It is weird that I do when I come to do your podcast that I have to leave a credit card for incidentals. Yes.

That is weird. 2K a piece. Yeah. You know, we should start doing it. It's very leather. Just for fun and for profit. But we have like a nice coffee machine in our offices and everything. Just...

But then if... When people left, if their publicist got a little thing, it just said, like, yeah, Nick had a coffee, so that's $12. Nick, we said... I mean, Nick had a Starbucks and then there was the Little Junior Men's. Nick used the bathroom. Yeah. So that's $7.

And there's water. You know, it's a water crisis. And... There's also a resort fee and a convenience charge for coming in the building. There's a mic charge. There's the mic charge and then... Conan made eye contact with you. So that's another...

That's extra. We owe you money. You get $6,000. You've got some credit. In cash. I think we've covered it all. I mean, we've done it all like Bogan McCall, you know? Is that a thing?

I just said it. Sounded real. They did it all like Bogan McCall. Were they a thing like Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy? There were differences, I suppose, but... But they're all basically the same person, right? Sure. Yeah.

As I understand old movies. They were black and white in real life. Yeah. And they talk like this, see? I'm going to kiss you. Yeah, you're going to kiss me right now. Yeah, you're going to have sex, see? Yeah, sex.

Yeah. That's how everyone... That was pillow talk in the 1930s. If you want to, again, get a little taste of that, go see Paul Newman and James Dean. Yeah. Screen test. Really, you think there was a sexual chemistry there? I'm telling you, there is vibe.

Watch that clip. There is vibe. I'll tell you this, and it comes out in the documentary that tragic, but James Dean was getting all the parts. Paul Newman cut a wire under his car. Paul Newman was the perennial also ran. And then the moment that James Dean died, Paul Newman starts getting the roles. Oh, wow.

So that was one of those... Interesting. Well, no, he wasn't Wiley Coyote. Interesting. Pretending, switching the signs around to catch the road run. Newman's own anvils. James Dean famously killed by an anvil. They hit him seconds before he crashed.

But all pros, he'd still go to charity. Yeah, yeah. I love that. Newman's own rocket shoes. All pros use go to charity. Kids playing in a camp. Yay. Yay.

Thank you, Mr. Newman. Newman's own bats. Yeah. Just the crime scene at the James Dean's crash. There's so addressing all over the world. A guy leaning over and putting his finger in it and tasting it. That's a vinaigrette. That's a Newman's own vinaigrette.

Popcorn in the tailpipe. Okay. All right. Listen, you know what I mean? What you've done basically now is you've accused Paul Newman of murdering James Dean. And I won't have it. Not on this podcast, not on any podcast. I can't do it on any other podcast.

Any of the murder ones would love it. All right. Well, what about Conan needs an enemy? Can we cover that? Yeah. Episode 32. We're back at the observatory where there's a statue of James Dean. I just do very LA specific jokes for you guys.

That's the way to end, right? I'm that joke. I think so. If you're ever going to get out, I think that's the one. That's always get out on something kind of okay. Can I talk about just quickly promote the movie, Get Out? Yeah. It's great movie.

Jordan Peele made it. Yeah. About seven years ago. Seven, eight years ago. Eight, nine years. Game changing film. Hey, quick. Can I get a plug out there for penicillin?

Invented by Fleming in the early 40s, but really. Ian Fleming. Yeah. But no, really, it's fantastic. Wonder drug. Yeah. Wonder. And overused.

Overused. And now, of course, we see an antibiotic resistance. And that's where you want to get out. That's where you want to get out. This is where you get out. Man. Can you put huge laughs on antibiotic resistance now? No.

Oh. Sorry. No, I'm part of the podcast Brotherhood of Producers. I'm not allowed to. No. No. You can't fake an ending. Are you kidding?

And that's where we got antibiotic resistance. So a lot of wind is coming. Yeah. I jumped out. I had my Newman's own bat suit on and I jumped off a cliff to catch the road runner. All right. Well, sir, you are a delight. Thank you.

And with you is not time wasted. The new unfailingly. You started out as unfailingly funny. Time with you is not time unwaisted. Unwaisted time is not time with you. Nick Kroll, I love you and you are absolutely hilarious. I love you. And this is great.

I appreciate it. And I'm very tickled to be on this program. You did it. My mind has been blown recently. Why? I'll tell you, that's the beauty of this format. I'm so glad I asked. You wouldn't have done anything.

No, you know what? Had you not asked, I'd be unable to say. Yeah. So thank you, sir. You're welcome. Sorry. I was walking down the street in my neighborhood and I know that you've all seen these or I know a lot of you have seen these and I've seen them out of the corner of my eye when

I'm driving. But this is the first time I've been on foot and this little cart came skittering by. It's a robotic delivery system. And it said Coco on the side, which by the way is copyright infringement. Oh, I'm going to fucking take that little robot to court. I want to take, not the company, I want to take the robot to court. I want to see the robot being sworn in in a deposition. A little robot arm and it's probably, and you know, what I love is whatever it was carrying.

So it was taking some almond milk to somebody's house, some almond milk and some yogurt to someone's house. And then it got detained and was sued and it's in court with me and that stuff is starting to rot. And you can smell it in the room and it's like, not guilty. But anyway, this little cart went skittering by like, and it's amazing because it avoided me. I think because it's not a fan.

That's not appropriate. I think it just, you know, it was. It's not programmed to dislike you. It just automatically dislikes. No, no, no. It's like, you know, oh, if it was, you know, Sean Hayes, I'd be like, you know, it'd follow me along. Right.

But it's a big smartless fan, but he just saw me and was sort of skittered away. But no, it stopped for the, waited for the traffic light and then it crossed. And a couple of things. First of all, I had this crazy, my first reaction was I wanted to like kick at it. I don't know why. I get that. But you know what I mean? It's this little thing.

And I think if I was a teenager and I had a stick, there's no way I wouldn't be swatting that thing. Really? You too. You got evil looks in your eyes. Yeah. You don't, you don't know. I honestly would feel like I want to help it.

Oh. And I, I'm not trying to. No, no, I believe myself. I really would. I believe you. And I do think, I do think you're a better person than me. I'm not saying I would do it. I'm just saying there's some part of me that when I see this little guy, this little, it's

a little bin. It's like a tiny little, looks like a little ice cooler on wheels. It says cocoa on the side. It's going, it doesn't make that sound. But I know it doesn't make that sound. But in my mind, it does, or they should, they should make that sound to warn people that they're coming. That should be the sentence.

It doesn't make any sound. I don't think it really makes a sound. But I think it should say. And it skitters along. There was a part of me that wants to kick at it, but then there was another part of me that thought, wait a minute, you know, Sona, of course, you've been very busy. You have twin boys, beautiful boys. You're very busy with them.

And you're also busy, of course, with your own projects sort of. I don't like how you said that. I don't like laughing. No, no, no. I'm not laughing. I'm just saying. You giggled a little bit. I didn't giggle.

It was more like you have these projects that are sort of built off. Yeah, he hesitated. No, no, no. Build, whatever. Built off my back. You're standing on my shoulders. You're standing on the shoulders. That's giants.

Yeah. Or agents. Yeah. Anyway. Physically. Please. Anyway, you've got this book. You've got a lot going on.

And so David Hopping has been filling in for you. And he's sort of does the day to day stuff. He does. You help a lot. You still do a lot. You still intervene a lot. But. Intervene.

You intervene occasionally. You've held several interventions from me. Interrupting. Nice. What are you doing right now? No, no, no. What I'm saying is that David Hopping. I'm taking a long road to get to David Hopping is now the assistant.

Yeah, he is. And does a lot of day to day things. And I thought, what if I replace David with one of these little robots? A little cocoa? Yes. Because David, I mean, he's not expensive, but it's still not cheap. You know? I mean, it costs something.

It has to be above minimum wage. Right. It is. Yeah. Legally. Well, slightly above. You have no idea what you pay anybody. I have no idea.

We just rob you. It's a huge, I realized that I just put cash out in a big bowl. And I say, everyone take what you need. Yeah. And the bowl's constantly running out and I just keep filling it. I get a daily visit from Coco just full of cash. Yeah. Oh, hi Coco.

How are you? He has no idea. No, it's more like he has no idea. Anywho, my point is what if I replace David Hopping with one of these little robots? And big Coco and little Coco. Yes. Then it's Conan and his little pal, Robotic Coco. Because most of the things I have David do, let's be honest, are, could you get me an

iced coffee before the podcast? Little Coco goes and gets the iced coffee and then comes back. Mix the reverse sound. And then, you know, okay, I, you know, Sony, you know that my needs aren't great. Every now and then he needs to go to the drugstore to get me some Lipitor. Yeah. You know what I mean? Keep that prescription.

Keep that cholesterol low. Why do you say that sexually? You know what I mean? Keep that cholesterol low. And just both the bedroom talk. That's my bedroom talk. And your delivery. You know, it's just funny because my wife doesn't find it sexy.

I was convinced. I come into the bedroom at night and said, just took my Lipitor. And then I say, to keep that cholesterol. And then I drop my silk robe. Oh, God. No, but I'm fully clothed. No, that's a net loss. I'm fully clothed underneath.

Oh, okay, okay. I wore a silk robe. Yeah. I'm like someone that goes to the barber. I have a robe over me and then I drop it and then I'm wearing a three-piece suit. I climb into bed and I leave the shoes on. So I'm very chased. But my point is, what do you think?

Do I, how do I, what do I think about you replacing David? Yes. David will find other work. Oh, we're getting rid of David completely in this scenario and you're replacing him with a robot. Yeah. Hey, is David out there? Can David come in?

David. David, get in here. Are you going to fire him right now? No, I'm not going to fire him. I'm going to let him go. Oh, okay. With a severance. David, be careful.

Come on in and sit here for a second. Don't come in there in a way. Yeah, you should. You should. Get up to the mic, please. Have you been with me when we've seen one of those little cocoa wagons go by? No. The delivery wagons?

Have you seen them yourself? The little, it looks like a little ice chest or something, a little bin, a little container on wheels. And it sort of goes, and it goes along the street carrying its goods. Okay. No, but have you seen them? Yeah, I have. I'm nervous where this is going.

No, no. I'm just saying that I like you. You're doing a great job. Thank you. But I'm thinking of replacing you with one of those. Like firing me? Well, it's, I'm not firing you. What about Jeff?

Hold on a second. What about Jeff? You don't, please. Jeff Ross doesn't come into this. This is just about me and you. Okay. What I'm telling you is I'm not firing you. Okay.

I'm just giving you a six week period where you still get paid and then you're no longer paid. And you don't work for me. So that's firing. Yeah, that's firing. Everyone has their own definition. That's not, I call that a quietly putting you to sleep. Wait.

You're killing me? So anyway, then don't you think most of the tasks I have you do, can you go get me some coffee? Can you do this? That little robot that we all see wandering the streets of LA, it could do those things, couldn't it? I think you're needier than you think you are. Yes.

Yes. It can't fulfill. It can't bolster your ego. Wait a minute. They don't bolster my ego? No. They don't tell me, oh, that was a really funny podcast? No.

They don't say great job, boss? No. They don't say you're the funniest of all time? No. Oh, Jesus. We don't say that. I might have a solution for this, David. If you could just adopt the sound, maybe that would satisfy all people.

So try that out. That was awful. That was really bad. You sound like a turkey with a mouth full of songs. What? A really dry mouth turkey. You sound like a turkey on the witness stand. He's got cotton mouth.

What if we just hired the robot to assist me in assisting someone and assisting you? A third assistant. Okay. I'm with this idea so that you still keep your job, so that it keeps her job, everyone keeps their job, but the robot assists you. I have one request. We need to figure out a way that the robot can say, you're the best talk show host of all time.

We can do that. Killer podcast last night. God, you look young. Oh. You let robe. Boy, you look fuckable. Is this what you want? What?

I'm an assistant? Wait, you want the robot? No. You've got. You say you look fuckable. Fine, and they say you have big dick energy. Look at that ass. You've got an ass for days.

Okay. This took a turn. Forget those other ones. Although I do want the BDE. You're good with your hands and kind of crafty. Do you think there's a way we could? Sure. We could do, yeah.

We could do a little recording, and then every time it senses you, it would just say that any time you entered its field of vision. Right. Right. And we could probably keep adding stuff to it. Absolutely. It's time to get younger. Yes.

Yes. Your older comedy is better than your younger comedy. You're more relevant than ever. I was just talking to some 18-year-olds. They say that you are cooler than. You can't think of a new person. You cannot even think of a new person. You hit a roadblock.

Rami Malik. Okay. Rami Malik. You are cooler than Rami Malik. You couldn't think of one. It took you around. You're better than the weekend. That works.

Yeah, that works. At music. Okay. I seriously do want you to look into us getting one of those robot cards. And then we can make some tape messages and let's try it out as the third assistant. Perfect. And then do it. Order, order, order.

He looked into it. We did it. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Goorley. Produced by me, Matt Goorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salataroff and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa, and Colin Andersen and Cody Fisher at Yearwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Bekton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review

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