Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nicole Byer Returns

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

Comedian Nicole Byer feels giddy about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nicole returns to chat with Conan about being loved by kids, the wisdom of John Cena, and being horny for love. Later, Conan and his team attempt to hold it together while Sona is away on her book tour. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Nicole Byer, and I feel, hmmm, giddy about being Conan O'Brien's friend! Giddy, I'll take Giddy. Yeah! Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk in the blues, find the friends, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hello there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, I am the aforementioned Conan O'Brien, and joined, I believe in, I believe that these should be a little more formal, joined by

the erstwhile. Oh, I'm the aforementioned friend, buddy. No, no. You're no friend of mine. He needs you. You are an appendage, you are a necessary, you're a necessary part in a very large car, a small greasy part, but still a part. Necessary.

Matt Gorley, and then of course, yes, you are necessary without you that transmissions would. It's too late, I quit. The car broke down. Okay. All right. Wait, I just replaced it with a different part, and it's humming along even better than before.

I'm free! Leave me on the road! I'm the useless part on the car. No, no, of course not. These are all just jests, jibes, joshes, and jokerous. I'm just kidding with you there, Sona. You look good. Man, your hair bun, and we describe to the listener right now, it's really high.

Is it? Yeah, and your headset is pushed up against it. I'm sorry, I have coils in it. It's not even... Why do you have coils in there? Because it can put my hair in a bun without messing up my curls. You know what's fun? Isn't that crazy?

Look at that. What do I cut that? There's two of them holding them together. Good lord. Don't make things about jokes about how greasy it is and stuff. I don't know. I was going to do that. So much product.

You already called me greasy. Doesn't this look like a Victorian birth control device? It is. It does. It's a weird spring. That's how my first child was not conceived. You've kept track of all the children that have not been conceived over the years for different reasons.

The billions and billions of them. Okay, you're taking a lot of metal out of your hair. Are you okay? Yeah. What's happening? How do you get through an airport detector? What? You have a Saturday night special in there.

Yeah. You told me about my hair being up. You have an early printing press in there. You can keep so much stuff in that, that thick hair of yours can conceal so much. It's just a vein of iron ore. Yeah. Yeah, it's just two coils. Look, a late 50s Japanese robot just came out.

I'll cut you. Oh, stop it. Yeah, I got a lot. There's a lot in there. There's a lot in there. Yeah, you're going to talk about hair being high though. Yes. You're too high hairers over here.

We are. I'm a low hair guy. You are. Yeah. I got nobody. That's right. And I got nobody. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. I got no friends. Do you have friends? I actually don't know if you have friends. You've asked me this before. Yes. I have. But seriously, who are they?

What do you mean? You say you have friends. I live in a big town. Yeah. I got Malarkey, McConville. Bill, et cetera. You don't have any friends, do you? Do you have bros?

Do you have like a group? Well, we're not bros. You guys don't like... We don't fall in bro class. Do you have friends? Yes, of course I have friends. I have great friends. No, you say that and then fake names come out and you do jokes to divert.

Do you really have friends? Yes. And those aren't fake names. They're nicknames, but they're the nicknames of my best friends. That's not... That was not... You're bros. You're on trash.

We're nicknames. Not these bros. These are... We're not bros. We're just... Yeah. Boom companions. Yes.

We're just pals. We're buddies. We call each other buddies. Hi, buddy. All right. Yeah. That's nice. Do you have nicknames for your crew?

No, I don't. Okay. Do you? Yeah. What are your nicknames for your crew? One is awful. I've been calling her piss since we were 12. Oh, I remember this because at your book event, she said, hi, what's her real name?

Christina. Yeah, I wouldn't know that because she says... Yeah, how do you get piss from Christina? It's amazing because she said, hi, I'm Christina, you probably know me as piss. So why do you call her piss? We were 12 and I accidentally said, I was going to say, Chris, and I said, piss instead. And I was like, oh my God, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. And then I just called her piss forever.

It's great. She saved under my phone as piss when my parents are like, I say, oh, Christina's coming over. They're like, piss? I was like, yeah. And everyone just knows her as piss. It's awful. And she has two kids now. So I'm trying to stop calling her piss, but it's stuck.

Yeah. It's solid. That's a solid nickname. That's a good nickname. Is it? No. It's not good. Well, it's better than urine.

Yeah, that's true. That's two syllables. Has she ever gone on like a love line radio show connection thing and go like, I'd love to send a song out to Brian. Would you tell him that piss loves her? She won't refer to herself as piss. She did when I met her. That's true.

But I think that's because she knows you know you were meeting her in my content. I was in a bookstore yesterday and I saw Sonia's book and this is a legitimate bookstore. What the hell does that mean? I was stunned. And I held up the book and said, oh my god, my assistant wrote a book about me and the woman who runs the bookstore said, are you okay with that? And she thought I was, you know, like a mean tell-all. And I said, yeah, it's all pretty truthful, sure.

But the woman who ran the bookstore was really horrified that she's talking about this New York Times bestselling book. Yeah, New York Times bestseller. Incredible. Are you, does it anger you that I am a New York Times bestseller or not? Because you got in under a special category. What do you mean? Immigrant writing.

Oh my god. Okay, that's not, I'm not even an immigrant. That's not even a category. Oh my god. What are you talking about? It is. That's well, yeah. No, you can't make things up to make it make more sense.

No, I am very proud of you, Sonia. You know that. You're legitimately wrong that I am and you haven't yet, like you will eventually. Well, first of all, yes, whenever I decide to write my tome, it'll immediately rock it to the top of charts. It will. I really, if mine did, just off of your back, I'm just saying it, there's, it's a very funny book.

Yes. And listen, I do not begrudge you any of your success, but, but this is ironic and it felt like you would approve. I shoplifted the book. Hey. Oh wow. You have a great idea. Yeah.

And then the old woman caught me on my way out, so I struck her several times and ran and now I'm wanted. You could never shoplift. I could never beat up an old woman. I know that. That part I was like, oh, that makes sense. She'd tear my head off. I went to, I swung at her, she ducked, and she said, come at me, swizzle stick.

I found this shoplifting part more, more strange than you beating up a woman. I know. That would happen. An old lady. Yeah. Anyway, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who hosts the popular podcast, Why Won't You Date Me and the hit Netflix baking show Nailed It. She's nominated for three, good lord, three Emmys this year for Nailed It and her comedy

special, Nicole Beyer, BBW, big, beautiful weirdo. I'm thrilled she's here. I'm a big fan. She always makes me laugh. Nicole Beyer, welcome. I was commenting when you came in, you are extremely busy. You're a very busy person and I'm happy for you because everything's going your way and but I mean, you're doing so much right now and you're handling it okay?

Yes. Okay. You're going to pause and think about it. Sometimes I get real tired and okay, so I recorded a podcast with my best friend, Sashir. It's called Best Friends and we had a live show and at the live show, I was like, Sashir, did we record this week? I literally don't remember and she was like, yeah, we had to put a disclaimer at the top to say that you were really tired.

I truly don't remember doing it and before we started, I do like vaguely remember sitting in front of my computer being like and Kimmy, our producer being like, do you want to do this another day? And I was like, I'm here. Let's do it. And then I listened to the episode, I sound like I'm in slow-mo. Well, first of all, how are you right now? Are you going to remember this appearance on this podcast?

Yes. You will. You're present. Yes. I went to sleep at midnight 30. Midnight 30. Yes. So I'm good.

Well rested. Good one. And because, you know what? I've known you for a number of years. You're one of my favorite all-time guests because you are a love, seriously, first of all, no one sings my name like you do. That Conan song you do is just amazing and failed to chart for reasons we don't understand. Yeah.

It's the lyrics. It's the lyrics. It's just Conan. Not the name. Any other name. I would have done much of it. Nigel. Out the charts.

Number one. Otis. Number one. No, but, you know, I've known you. You're such a warm-hearted, upbeat person. Whenever I'm with you, I, when you leave, I'm in a better mood. When my skin is exfoliated, everything, I'm just in a, I'm in a better world when I hang out with you.

So I can't imagine you losing your temper. Like if, if you show, because there's a lot of people imposing on your time right now, you're hosting different TV shows, you got stand-up specials, you're, you're the queen of the podcast. You've got all this happening. You must lose it sometimes. Sometimes. I don't like when people are mean or rude to me or like speak to me in a certain kind

of way, especially if we're all just trying to work together. Recently, there was this PA, his name is Winston. I hate him. Yes. Go. Go. Go. And he was just so rude to me.

He was bringing me to set on a golf cart and he was like, he knocked on my door. The hardest anyone has ever knocked in the whole wide world. And it truly, like my trailer was shaking. He was like, nah, they need you in five minutes. And I was like, okay. And then he knocked again. He's like, it might be a moment. And I was like, it might be a moment.

So I just said, take me now. And he was like, no, it might be a moment. And I was like, Winston, just take me. And he was like, no. And I was like, I'll walk. And he was like, no. And then he took me and then they ended up using me and then we got into it again the next day.

And then I was like, hey, Winston, I think you're rude. I don't like the way you talk to me. He's like, I don't like the way you talk to me and like, no offense, Winston. The reason you have a job is because may so maybe be nice to me. And he was like, no. And then I was like, believe. And he was like, no. And then I just moved him to a different department.

Okay. First of all, I'm going to make it my mission in life to fuck up Winston. Yes. I hate Winston. He sucks. Winston, I'm coming for you. Yes. And no one's afraid of that.

You just made him stronger. You listen to me. Winston, I'm coming for you. I'll thrash you with my thrashers. And bash you with my bashers. You have long arms. I think you could really hit somebody without them seeing it coming. Well, why'd you just say long arms?

They're also well muscled. Sure. Yes. There's force behind the long arms. Can you do anything else? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Can you do anything in editing to make that sound a little more...

To make your arms look bigger? No! I meant audio and what she's saying. Yes, you do some muscle. Please. I need testosterone for that and that's not happening. You could go to Mexico. You could get anything you want.

You're right. I went to a pharmacy and they asked me if I wanted steroids and I was like, does it look like I've been using steroids? Why are you asking just me? I'm in a group of people. I was very confused. I was like, do people down here get steroids to be fat? I was very confused and nobody answered my question.

Oh my God, I'm so tired. My question! I'm telling you, I have pharmacists all the time that come out of the pharmacy, see me on the street and try and lure me in to give me free testosterone. So this is something I've encountered before. They're like, please, it's on us. It's on the house. We just want you to be a little bit more masculine.

Please, it's for the greater good. I'd be very funny. It's not funny when you live it. Yeah, so I can see, first of all, I understand that. I don't understand why Winston, I don't understand this world we're in where Winston thinks he can talk to you that way. I don't know either. Because you're the person who is, yes, paying his weight.

That doesn't mean you can be rude to him, but it certainly doesn't mean he can be rude to you. Yeah, and if I'm short with you, I will apologize because sometimes you feel a little pressure to do things or there's a ton of shit on your plate and you're short with somebody. But I always try to be like, I'm sorry, was I rude to you? If I was, I'm sorry. I just want everyone to be nice, you know? Well, that's not happening.

But it could. I think it, I don't know. Maybe we're just not wired that way, humans. It should. If you're right. You're right. It should be that way. But clearly, humanity, we don't know.

That's a whole bigger question we need to answer is, can all humans be nice? I'm not sure they can. You can. All you have to do is just be like, I'll be nice right now. Yeah. And then we catch yourself not being nice. You just go, I also say I want to be nice. Yeah.

You could take some pointers from her. Yeah. My audio hasn't been, my headphones were out. You're not getting that? I didn't get that last part. You didn't hear that? No. But I'll go back and listen for it later.

And I won't repeat it. You'll have to listen. No, I won't listen to this podcast. He does. You know what I can't imagine? And in the same category is Sona, my assistant, who's out right now. The person who fills in for her is David Hopping. And David, I can't imagine you getting angry at someone.

It's rare. Oh. And I've heard it's scary when it happens. I bet. Well, I mean, first of all, if you ever lost it on me. It usually involves alcohol. Oh. Oh no.

You have to be a little buzzed to do it. Otherwise I just bottle it all in. Okay. Have you been really mad at me and not been able to let it out? Speak freely. I don't think so. No. Okay.

I lied. I haven't. Well, can I just at least hear what it's like when you're angry? Yeah. I don't think I can even channel it. You know, who died and then gave you the shirt. Because the shirt looks like a dead person. I don't know.

David, you've been blacklisted from Disneyland. How about this? David, your mom's stupid. What? What? That's your angry? I'm dying. What?

Oh, wait. He's coming across the table. He's coming across the table. He's drinking angry water. He's drinking water angrily. No, I can't imagine David getting mad. Oh, boy. I just can't.

I'll fix your little red wagon. Why? I'll adjust the wheels on your little red wagon, mister. That's the way you would get angry. You do have like an adorable, gentle face. So I feel like if you yelled at me, I'd be like, come on. What are we doing here? Now, how are you adjusting to fame?

You're quite well known. And when you are walking along, are you okay with people saying, hey, I know you from Nailed It? Are you okay with that? Yeah, it doesn't really happen that often. Oh, really? I'm pretty, like, I'm moderately successful. The world grounds me.

I remember I was once going to Seth Meyers to do his show, and there was a ton of paparazzi. It was the first time I'd been to your paparazzi, but I think Kevin Hart was there, and I think they were there for him. And as I was walking, they were like, you know, taking pictures, being nice. And then I heard a small child go, mama, who is she? And then the mom said, that's a person. So the world truly grounds me at every turn. But when people recognize me, it's very nice.

I just went to Comic-Con. There's so many nerds. What a thought. I just went to NASA and bunched into some scientist. What's that all about? It was like a casting director cast at all these people. I was like, this is like movie level nerds. It was wild, but there was this little boy who came to the podcast recording I did, and

he was really sweet. He didn't ask for a picture. His parents did. And then I was speaking to him, and he wouldn't answer me, and he started welling up with tears. And I was like, do you hate me? Do you like me? What is it? Do you like me?

He nodded his head, and I asked him if he wanted to hug. And then he really started bawling, and it was really, really sweet. So things like that are really nice. Well, kids must recognize you because they love me. They love you. It's so wild. Never in my wildest dreams did I think children would like me. But I guess they don't see adults having fun very often.

Usually it's like a parent being like, don't do that. I'm tired. And then I'm like, blah, blah, blah. Here's a cake. They're like, I like that big lady. That adult's fun. So I think that's why they like me. But kids are also so honest, so I take it as a huge compliment.

Oh, they don't lie. No. If a kid doesn't like you, a kid will say I don't like you. Yeah, I don't like you at all, but they seem to really like me. So whenever adults are like, you're not funny, I'm like, children think I am. So you're wrong. That's what I say to people. I have my own version of that.

Well, people with very low intelligence like me, people whose prefrontal cortex hasn't formed yet, really love me. So there. Accident victims. Yeah. People that lost a part of their skull in a hunting accident think I'm hilarious. It gets very, very specific. Yeah, but are you, so you handle it pretty well.

It sounds like you're doing well with all of this. John Cena once said to me, because I was like, oh, don't you hate it when people are like, I can't see you. He was like, no, Nicole, that's what people know about me. They're just trying to connect. They don't know me really. They just know what I show them. And when they say it to me, I'm happy because they're taking it in and they like me.

And that's nice, isn't it? And I was like, I don't know. I didn't realize John Cena is such a font of wisdom. Oh, he really is. He sounds like an oracle in a Greek tragedy, you know? He kind of is. They tell you the truth. John Cena.

I mean, I've met him and he seems like a very intelligent, nice guy. But I love that he's that grounded. Yeah, and then when people complete the course, they'll be like, oh, you can't save me. Oh, man, I want to finish this just to meet you. And he'll be like, meet me. Oh, all right, I'll come down and I'll meet you. And they're like, oh, I didn't know. And he'll like go down and he'll like meet them and hug them and talk to them.

He's the nicest person I've ever met in my whole life. And it's also so funny when people complete the course. They're always like, John Cena, I love you. And I'm like, I'm sitting here too. I'm waiting for a compliment. Do you want to give me one? It's like, you know, John Cena totally eclipses you. He's incredible.

I find it. I'm the same way. I always find it refreshing when things bring me back down to earth like that. Because I find that in life, whenever you have a moment of, oh my God, I really enjoy your work, it's quickly followed by someone else saying something that takes you in the exact amount that the other person raised you. It takes you in the other direction, equal and opposite. And it balances out the universe.

Yeah. After stand-up shows, ladies like to be like, oh, you inspired me to show my arms fat ladies don't like to show their arms. So they'll be like, you help me with that. And then their boyfriends will be like, and I think you're pretty funny. Didn't know who the fuck you were before. But like now I kind of know, and like, you should keep doing this. You're good at it.

And I'm like, thank you. So I was at a party recently and there were some interesting people at this party. And it was, I won't say where it was, but just people that I don't think are around showbiz folk much. So, and someone said to me, well, I have to say I'm a big fan of your work, even though I don't understand your sense of humor. And I said, excuse me. And he said, I really, I'm a fan, big fan.

And I really don't like your sense of humor, but I'm a fan. And I don't understand. And this person was in their 70s, I think. And he said, well, you've got that, you know, that sense of humor you have. And it's not for me at all, but I'm a fan. I'm a fan. And I thought, stop saying I'm a fan because if you don't like my sense of humor, you do not like me.

And that's okay. But you can't have it both ways. And so it was really fascinating me perplexing. When he was 70. I want to say he was in his 70s. Were you at a retirement home? Is this where this was? Is that why you don't want to say you hang out at retirement homes?

I often go to retirement homes to try and get validation from much older people. Were you in hospice? Yeah. No, it was an older gentleman. They were allowed to roam the earth. Are they? They are. Not without guidance.

Yeah. So anyway, I just, I like that. Literally, I spent the next, on the ride home, I'm in the car with my wife and I'm just saying, big fan, don't enjoy your comedy. Don't understand. Maybe he likes your height, your hair. We did make out for a while. He likes them juicy lips.

It was, it was fantastic. You know, how are you with criticism? Because here's how we're different. I don't seek out comments about myself on the internet, but I know that you read stuff. Sometimes. You read DMs and stuff. That's just something I would never do. Well, I read them because I read, like, nasty comments on why won't you date me.

I go through my DMs and whatnot. But yeah, if somebody wants to say something mean to me, that's fine. Comedy subjective. My check's clear. If that makes you feel better, then by all means, sure. I'll retweet you. I'll respond to you. My favorite one was, this man was like, I hate you.

You suck. You stop doing comedy. Kill yourself. And I was like, did that make you feel better? And then they wrote back, I was having a really bad day. I'm sorry I directed it at you. Keep making people laugh, but not me. Wait, was this the 70 year old?

Yeah, same guy. Same guy. Probably a son or something. But I was like, I love that you doubled that one. It was very funny. I think this is true most of the time. If someone's writing something horrible, if you could immediately knock on their door, you would probably encounter someone who didn't really feel that way about you.

Yeah. There's a lot of stuff online. It's, first of all, I think there are a lot of people who think online is to hate. It's for extremes. You're the best in the world, or I wish you would die, or Satan. And there's no in between. But if you did confront those people in real life, I don't think a lot of them would double down on that feeling.

Yeah, I think very few people would be like, no, I meant it. Fuck you. Yeah. But I think most people would be like, oh, I was just looking for attention. And if you need attention, like, that's fine. I don't know. I don't mind when people have negative things to say. Right.

Because everything is subjective. I wish you could say I do. I do. But like, what difference does it make to your life? That's something about myself that I wish I could change. I wish I had a little bit more what the fuck in me. I think that would be very good for me to have that because I'm still, if I feel that someone's displeased, my initial reaction.

Now, it doesn't mean I can't recover from it, is what did I do wrong? Did I offend them in some way? Is there a way I could fix this? And I wish I didn't have that. My dial is up to 11. I wish I could take it down to like four. Well, if someone says something negative about you and you know you didn't actually offend them, just like open your bank account after and be like, that's good.

That's a good idea. My wife won't let me have access to that. Oh, no. She controls the money. I understand. Yeah. I bought millions and millions of dollars worth of ventriloquist dummies. And my wife got legal control of, and in the intervention, all the ventriloquist dummies

were there, and they sided with my wife. I like the word. She's got a pint. And you were doing the voices. I was doing the voices. You were running to each one? Yeah. It's really sad.

There's no money for your children to have an education. I like this, this reality where she didn't just leave you. She's like, no, I'll get the money. No, no. She wants a few more years. She sees that I'm still an earner. She wants a few more years, and then she'll put me in the home where everyone there will say, big fan, but we don't like your kind.

Big fan, but I've never understood your comedy. It doesn't work for me. How's your life going, you know, with the sex life? May I ask, May I intrude? I mean, this is something that you're always very open about, and I don't get to ask anyone else that, you know? You could. I try.

Not employees, because that's called harassment. I learned that the hard way. I'd say, oh, so you'd like to work here at Team Coco, would you? First question, how's your sex life? And then I find out from these, quote, lawyers that I'm in the wrong. So anyway, I learned my lesson. My sex life is pretty good. She'd be having it.

It'd be good. She'd be getting them titties honked. That's nice. Wait, you like having them honked? Yeah. Honked. That doesn't, wait, I'm just sorry, that doesn't sound like, if things are heating up, if things are heating up, and a guy's like, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

But I like the thought. I would think it would go south. And they're dancing around the room. Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha-ha. I was once going down on a man, and I was like, give me that dick. And he was like, Nicole, you can't do that anymore. I will not have sex with you anymore if you do that.

So I like fun times. Other people don't. Oh, wait, he didn't like that you said in a sort of a fun- I'm gonna suck your dick. Well, first of all, can I just say no one wants oral sex from Cookie Monster. Cookie! I won't have that dick. No, no, no.

Cookie's cookie crumbs just go flying along with other things. with other things and so that's no no one I could see the guy being a little thrown off by that are you doing a lot of voices and shtick when you're not anymore because people don't enjoy it well I don't know you might okay I mean am I allowed to speak freely here no I think I think I just just saying hypothetical if you or I were engaged in something like that that's your brand and I would be honored to have that you know what I'm saying oh wow well maybe I mean come on that would be that would be a magical and erotic

treat through the wonderlands of the coal buyer sex life I know but first fall back off yes do I need lawyers you do you need a lot of lawyers now I do apologize so no no no you're but I think what you're saying is is is valid I know you and I know that if someone was if you are a lover was engaged in an act with you and suddenly started to impersonate one of the Watergate burglars you would love it I'd probably finish right there yeah yeah you're constantly constantly closing your eyes and pretending it's Haldeman and Ehrlichman that flat top boy I freak anyway so but this in the current

situation all as well yeah have you found someone who appreciates your sense of humor in sensual moments or is it just across the board you're not allowed to do that it's like across the board most of the people I have hooked up with are like please don't really yeah there's gotta be someone that appreciates that that's that's who you are I think this is right is this Winston well I think it might be maybe I want to speak for people but maybe they don't want like a performance like they want just me which is just kind of quieter no I scream a lot at home I don't less on I guess like I'm loud but I'm not like

necessarily performing so maybe people want like real connections or something like it's not even what you're saying but if I heard give me that dick I might try I might run away because I think someone wants to take it from me you know it sounds like it's gonna leave my body and go with them and I'd be afraid well no I don't want to take it well here's the thing if in the wild if if you encounter a creature and they said the worst thing you can do is run but if you get scared that's the natural reaction and if I heard give me that dick I would start to run that's just what I would do oh in life whenever I've heard give me

that dick I run what you're usually hearing is give me that comma dick meaning like give me that pen dick oh no at work that's constantly I'm running yeah and I forgot I didn't I didn't hear the comma right I didn't hear the pause yeah but well that's good you know I'm I'm glad that you're and and how do you meet people can I ask that oh apps I well it would be nice to meet someone in person but I'm on Tinder Raya okay Cupid bumble hinge there was a thing it was like a fat lady app and I can't remember I think it's called like woo plus and I'm sure oh coffee meets bagel I think there's another one but yeah eight apps I

can't eat something I can't list this number of anything I can't I can't name that number of anything in the universe and you just tore through those I've been on them for a long time it's been a long time okay so you go on these and I this is I'm a complete stranger in this world I I have been married for a long time I was never on an app so I don't understand it I don't understand how it works do you then go meet these people in a neutral area yeah well I mean it depends what do you look like if you're trying to fuck you go to like a place with a bed like a home or if you're trying to connect you go to like a bar or

dinner you meet them in public and it's made clear when you respond which of those two it is yeah police officer by the way I don't know how it all works I don't know anything about so usually some I like when people a message me first so they'll say something like hey cutie and I'm like hi I'm never excited to answer anybody and then lately cuz I'm older now so now I'm like horny for love or whatever I'm like I want love I think I've you know a dick is a dick it just has to be attached to someone nice now so I'm not looking to hook up anymore so you have to like ask me on a date right okay so so I understood understood

because I didn't I don't know how I would do if I were somehow single now and on apps I don't think you would have to get on an app did you know you're famous so like people would find somebody for you they'd be like Conan who are these people who would you have friends you do have friends I know you do for you too you're famous now right I'm mildly successful I bet you could just have your pick of the litter no you'd be surprised I am surprised I think there might be sometimes there are men who are intimidated yeah by a successful woman because in that that shouldn't be the case but I'm sure that is and you are

quite successful thank you do very well you're you're bringing in the bucks and then you meet some guy and he works at Jiffy lube and he's intimidated yeah but he shouldn't be because he could change the oil in my Jeep we could do it together nice you drive you have a Jeep okay yeah so if you see me don't wave no I'm kidding you can wave I got a Wrangler because it's an interactive car because it has a Jeep wave you go if you see other people in another Jeep you're supposed to give me the V sign yeah you drive and you go boop and nobody ever does it back to me it makes me so sad people in Tesla's give each other the

finger yeah they know they know the other guys an asshole too that there's a model s a model 3 a model x and a model y and it spells out sexy yes isn't that fantastic that's a long play by the way because they had to unroll roll out each one slowly over time it's funny if you know it's coming from anyone other than Elon Musk you know I think it's funny yeah yeah I mean he is objectively very very funny he's so fun the whoopee cushion function in the Tesla where you can what you can set a whoopee cushion to the stereo spectrum of any of the four seats to make it seem like one person and the car

farts yeah yeah and guess what that burns up all the carbon that you're saving the battery is used up by the fart function they have to burn there's a there's there's a bucket of coal in every Tesla burns so that the little practical jokes in the Tesla can operate no one knows why that's necessary but it does so it's not carbon neutral anymore didn't know it did I hear that you took up a special hobby during the whole shutdown the whole COVID shutdown what is it who told you were doing pole dancing oh yes well I was doing it before the pandemic and then during the pandemic I spent a lot of time doing it

because I was like what the fuck else am I gonna do but yeah I love pole it's hard I have to say I years ago I took a course because there was a I was taught a course on the late-night show and someone came on and was showing me how to pole dance and I was stunned at how you how hard it is to support your body on that pole it's so hard and then you wake up the next day you're like hmm muscles I didn't know I have yeah but so many single-dollar bills so many I don't know how the girls dance over the dollar bills and don't slip and fall oh cuz I slip and fall over nothing yeah so I think there's a lot they're just a lot

you need to learn if you're gonna be a stripper mm-hmm I would love to be a stripper would you really oh yes if I had just taken a couple different paths probably I'd be a stripper yeah I think it's fun well is it it might be fun to do once but to do it over and over and over again that same creepy guy always gets the same chair at the bar yeah about myself keeps asking for pour some sugar on me and keeps holding a very small bill out but you're supposed to come over and squeeze it between your titties you know and then you look at it it's like a two-dollar bill who's on the two-dollar but it's Gerald Ford but

anyway it's very it's not a good bill who is on the two-dollar bill Thomas Jefferson is it I got it right yeah I have a bunch of two-dollar bills do you really yeah anytime I get when I keep it I keep them to you every now and then all we have all seven two dollars all seven two-dollar bills that are left in circulation I have one as well this is like four or five of them I feel like this is a date this is us making a connection on a date it's all about two dollar bills I have some as well who's on it do you think well it's Jefferson Jefferson among us we have later at a wedding later at a wedding chapel in

Vegas I mean that is kind of like a first date first date suck I really hate them hmm it's just small talk for like an hour and a half yeah I haven't been on a first date since I think it was 1971 so it's been a long time I'm kidding I'm not that old yeah I was no I but it's been so long I mean it was my yeah my wife is my last first date it better be my last first date that would be a problem together 22 years oh that's so nice yeah it is good I should probably put in a better response than yeah 22 that's so nice yeah yeah yeah she's been really great she I love it that's very nice that's what I want 22 years that

seems nice I'm not sure you do want that I'm sorry I I'm just I'm like a provocative therapist what do you think I want well in the past you said you want to fuck yeah I told you I'm horny for love right but you want do are you looking for someone who you'll marry and grow old with well I don't know if I want to get like married married but I do want like a partner and I do not really want to grow old in general because like the older I get the more things hurt so I'd like to stop time here but I would like to spend time with someone for a long time that's nice I I believe call me romantic if you put

that out thank you I believe that if you put that out there that it happens I really do I think when you're ready for it and you put that out there which you just did that can happen for you well from your lips to God's ears is that the saying yeah but it's not God who's involved in this well I believe it's from your mouth to God's south well what does that mean I don't know how about this poorly write them down first write them down first and pass them over to David and if he thinks they're good so give you the thumbs up meaning dick oh meaning oh no give me that God dick okay I want God's dick let me explain something he

has a new baby and he's asleep what kind we got a girl oh that's nice she's sweet do you like her I love her to tears wait she's brand new she's nine months oh okay yeah she'll give her time you'll get annoyed also he's not getting any sleep that was the whole point of this oh I see and so he just lately has been saying stuff and all of us are scratching our heads we don't know what's happening with him I'm gonna give this back and just say never say that yeah yeah don't say that okay hey I wanted I want to congratulate you you got nominated your nominee for two Emmys this year three oh I saw three on my

sheet and I I took one off oh just because I felt some I'm like no no that's too much I'm gonna take you down a notch no no it says here too but that's great three Emmys yeah Emmys for nailed to for nailed it one is outstanding host one is for the actual show and then the other ones for my special I was standing writing that's fantastic yeah I'm really excited about that one cuz I like I mean I'm excited about the nailed it one too but like the stand-up one and I put like my whole heart and soul into it and I toured with it for a long time and then I just spent so much time and then the look of it it all came together the

opening yeah I just it's my it's my masterpiece how long how long a set is it on the special is it like an hour it's an hour that's fantastic mm-hmm good for you yeah I'm curious so do you have plans for the Emmys like what are you gonna do how are you gonna approach this well I'm gonna go yeah some people don't some people don't I'm going good and I'm gonna wear a fabulous dress and I'm gonna look so fucking good I'm gonna lose to RuPaul and then on the way home I'll get a flat and then I'll cry a little bit goes to the tire or losing to RuPaul again and I'll be like it's a tire cuz you

knew you're gonna lose to RuPaul and then I get home and I'll get ready I'll go the other Emmys cuz I have to go to tip to go to the creative arts and then the Emmy Emmys right um I don't know I don't really have a plan other than running for you I want you to win this yeah me too but you know what it doesn't really matter if you win or not you get to go and you have this amazing dress you're gonna have a great time yeah I had fun losing last year but I will say there wasn't enough food they put just bottles and bottles of wine on the table and no food well the situation I think last year was because of COVID oh yeah they

were trying to thread this weird needle so they said well have people in a room but it'll be a strange room like half outside half not outside yeah and there'll be a mister that's suiting disinfected over everyone like it's a salad bar all the time and and we're gonna reference COVID a lot which will be kind of a downer and we don't want to show I don't know why they didn't want people to have food but they didn't but they put some wine there cuz I think they wanted to grab some of that that golden globe vibe of people getting a little you know trashed and crazy yeah so so I don't know this year is gonna be

very different I think because we all know COVID's completely done we're having a great time now he's got worried about Monkey Pox Monkey Pox in that while you gotta admit it's such a good name yeah it is Monkey Pox I mean COVID-19 and then you're supposed to remember all the different variants mm-hmm whoever's doing the publicity for COVID sucks yeah not Monkey Pox very fantastic very in yeah yeah I think I might get vaccinated doesn't seem like a good time do you worry about these things in general about about health and disease are you someone who's phobic about that I am

not I'm almost I just don't think about it that much but some people have really been affected by it I don't think about it a lot with COVID I was like well I'll just be safe because if I shut down a production that's like a lot of people and their money and whatever but with Monkey Pox it just seems real fucking bad like you get like a rashes and shit I don't want that that's the person that was like I don't I don't want it I had COVID it wasn't that bad but it also wasn't fun and they could have done without right I very few people have said I just had COVID and you know what fantastic I love it yeah

best sex in my life I came so hard that is a weird side effect you never hear Fauci didn't bring it up but when Fauci got COVID you have to you know what he was gone for a while and then he came back and he was very very very excited very happy Fauci was like damn I came hard I was like dr. Fauci please you don't have to run that by David that's fine oh yeah it is fine right yeah I'm getting a I'm getting thumbs up from everyone in the booth trust me I haven't figured this out yet no you have not okay but I'm glad I'm glad that so you had your when did you have COVID I went to up front to New

York and whenever up front swear I think that was in May I came back with COVID yeah it was a super spreader event yep it was pretty wild I got mine at a sex party oh yeah yeah oh no no I saw it happen I watched it happen that's why I'm afraid I get it look what happened yeah well you're gonna I'm gonna help you I'm gonna I'm gonna get involved in your life okay because my job now is to find you a good partner that's what I'm gonna do so you have to tell me what you're looking for okay employed okay nice okay handsome mm-hmm tall I guess they don't have to be tall why tall I just I like the feeling of

someone like give me a height because people are listening right now and you know what we have a lot of people listen to this podcast this is a good chance to get this message out okay a height give me a height minimum for you minimum I think I'm really tall so I'm gonna say six two okay maximum six five anything bigger that's scary wait how tall are you I'm six four okay great you're not scary no but if they if the hair is puffed up six six six six seven six seven so yeah no but I'm six four so I would still slide in under the bar okay well probably not for other reasons but we'll get it we'll go with those later

old war injury so six to what else about this fellow let's see employed nice attractive I don't know I think that's it we have to have things in common oh a good sense of humor right likes to tee hee hee you know just try to clarify big hands I like big hands because I have big hands strange one I have to say I like big hands yeah I like big hands okay okay what else have you ever sometimes I've been hanging around with someone and I'm it's something it's not something you think you notice right away but then eventually you look down you'll be talking to a guy and then you'll see that his hands are just so

tiny yeah and it's a little I know what you mean you think they're up to something a little drawing yeah you ever see scary movie too a long time ago yeah he's like get my good it's just a tiny hand I don't want I don't like big meaty hands okay what if a guy tricked you and more like fake gloves or got a bunch of beastings but they tricked you they tricked you because they heard this and they checked every box and they said I can't wait now to date and become the long-term boyfriend from Nicole Byer and then they reached over to shut off the app and look down at their hand and it was this tiny little

hand and they tricked you I guess if they went through the trouble of getting a realistic prosthetic hand to make it seem like a bigger hand I think I could forgive it you're like wow you really did something nice right and then in the end you realize I didn't care about that all along I realized yeah exactly and then I'll be like I'm shallow and then I go through a journey and they've taught me so much and it's great that's my story okay well the hands have to be big enough to honk my titties how is this thinking that if they're too tiny you'll get more and that's just doing it for you Nicole

and that's me coming that's really funny that's fantastic you should look to a camera you should have a camera and that's me coming and then little credits come up produced by directed by we're doing are you putting me in a porn well yes I don't think I could do a porn you don't think so I don't think so just because I'd be like worried about my performance in the angles mm-hmm that's about it so the whole all the other questions it might come up it wouldn't bother you at all what's this doing for my psyche all that kind of stuff no I think that's all

fine okay I'm just like the angles like do we have them all right and then also it's like you shot like scripted shit you get it from like different angles like a wide a minute a close-up like yeah yeah do they do that in porn well first of all the times I've been involved in porn or even contemplated it I've always insisted on director's cut I want to be able to sign off on the final product and say I'm not happy with this shot I'm not happy with that shot many of my comments about my work my complaints have been about my actual body so we've done CGI and stuff like that I think we've enhanced everything we've

come up with a very different product in the end but if you ask for control uh-huh you'll be quite happy okay I feel like you're doing a bit but I think that's good advice control I love the first you thought I was actually really contemplating doing I don't know maybe I thought about it I don't know I'm just gonna was I don't know I don't know either looking at me we both looked at you and it is trust me yeah it's great money oh no I can't be unless there's a lot of porn you have to be a name how do you become a name in porn well you're already a name so you could just go into porn and then you've done it you know

what I mean hmm you go reverse engineer it I'm gonna say I don't know I first fall I don't think the money would be that great either I really don't think so hmm what about soft core like skin a max porn does that still exist should you know I'm sure it does where things get off everything get it's all foggy yeah it's all fine through Vaseline or like pantyhose on the lens and not because of a cinematic no I think these are all bad ideas okay I think these are all bad ideas I think the important thing that you should stick to is I like this mission that you have to find a real person to be with who is gonna be your

partner your confidant your your best bud that's what you want yeah yeah I think that's good yeah whenever a couple is like that's my best friend I'm like ooh that seems nice a best friend that you get to fuck that's like a double double I've had a hard time finding that hallmark card where's the best friend I like to fuck well that's the only thing is I mean over the years and when you've been talking to me you've been quite vocal about physical attributes you're looking for guy and so that might be intimidating there might be some guys out

there I would like a big dick well I know but I can't believe I forgot that yeah but you don't stop me be intimidating to some guys who feel they don't measure up in that department okay and then they're then they think well I can't and maybe there's a guy who is just sort of normal average and he now thinks and he'd be a fantastic partner for you okay but he now feels that that's not possible I'll revise it I would like a dick that's nice what do you mean like it nice like kind yes it does volunteer work yeah it's hungry children it ties it gives up 10% of its income to charities I like a tithing dick it gives to the it's just

gives it very good very good yeah yeah exactly no just like nice to look at yeah handsome dick you want a handsome a handsome one yeah or someone who knows how to use it or we just go get another one if you get a little dildo or something oh I thought you meant have a transplant no I don't think they do that they don't trust me trust me trust me and you'd think that people would put a little bit of effort I have seven you can play all kinds of complicated songs on it well that's as good a place as any non sense yeah I'm very happy for you you're a lovely person and it's going so well for you I'm really happy that

you're nominated for all these Emmys you're crushing it you're out there killing it and you're a very good person you really are thank you are you know that yeah I try to be a good person I don't know sometimes no I think I'm a good person you are you are all joking aside you're a good person thank you yeah and I know I really had to think about I was like am I who was I mean to today nobody no you are you're you're just incessantly kind to people when you have such a good spirit thank you I'm just the same way about you well thank you you are kind you gave me my first late night appearance and late night is

funny because they're like well you have to have a tape to get the you know to book the spot and I'm like well how do you get the tape if no one will let you on right and then you let me on which was really kind of you well it was smart because you really make me laugh and and also I really loved our different appearances together because you're so good at being funny and nice and generous and then but also really making me squirm in a way that people absolutely love you know and it was just real that's what I loved about it is that it was so real yeah it's just it's fun it's fun to play off of you it's a

you're a very giving comedian like you're actually some uptight stuff like stuff there that put us together and people would be like oh my god this is fantastic I love this so it's fun we have to we have to take this act on the road someday let's do it yes I would do it yeah we got to figure something out we gotta do something together where we bottle that first yes just a little bit of time sell it to people and make lots of money money money and then we'll invest it and make more money you've changed please come back soon cuz I love talking to you or I'll come visit you but this was great but I mean I'll show

up on your box is one of your projects wait do you have a best friend a best friend yes this year and I have a podcast called best friends and we interview best friends sometimes oh that's nice who's your best friend well here's the problem if I say my best friend people might get angry get gory upset because guess what it was until like a day ago when you started having a melt down on the podcast my god oral sex idea I stand by it yeah Nicole thank you so so much for coming here I know you're really I know you're really busy and it was nice of you and it made everyone stay here so thank you for having me this

was fun okay I'll truly come back any old time and I'm gonna find you this fella you only wrote down six to six to six five employed nice handsome sense of humor titty honking hands and big dick or a kind dick yeah kind yeah yeah got kind nice yeah the proper amount of veins yeah well what would you put that proper amount of veins we were ending so nicely it was all coming together so nicely and then this is important how many veins where the veins yeah how many what's what's too many what's too many veins to many's where you're like ah this one looks angry you know it looks like the whole arm yeah maybe it's having a

stroke or something no hoax arm and what no what's too few veins when we're like is it a lie they do make little shocking paddles all the penises that I give life to always work at the library sorry I fainted there it's got a little nervous you okay now we all had to shock you back I gotta get back to the rare book library that I work in thank you so much thank you we have to address the elephant in the room which is that sona mofessian is not present we have to address the sona not in the room yes yeah okay instead of the elephant in the room right well I think the elephant in

the room is that sona is not in the room right she's not an elephant okay this is the worst who's on first routine I've ever heard of my life third base and here they are Gordian O'Brien with the elephants not a sona and the shortest vaudeville career in history it ran from 1901 to 1901 well no I want to address the fact that sona can't be here today because and she's such a regular part of the podcast and this I find absurd she's on a book tour how she wrote a book about her misadventures and she's on a book tour and if you had told me when I met sona all those years ago and she became my kooky assistant that I would lose her

for a period of time because she's out promoting the book she wrote I'd have laughed you off the face of the year God bless her I mean this is proof as the great Don King would say only in America only in America should we address the David in the room well that's what I'm getting to because sona's so busy now with she has these twins Mikey and Charlie I prefer Mikey I have major beef with Charlie and she now she has a book and I think she's starting a chain of restaurants stop no stop off at goofballs order your food and watch it not show up sorry but because she can't be here and she's so busy I have an

assistant who took over for sona you know it's I'm hoping a temporary arrangement no sorry but we love it one we'll get to that David I'm not firing you here I'm just letting you know that it's him I'm so many times I know so David Hopping took over David Hopping was sona's assistant because she didn't want to do anything and now David's pretty much my full-time assistant until sona's done promoting her other schemes so David Hopping welcome were you from David Carlinville Illinois yeah Carlinville Illinois and where is that that's in the southern part of Illinois it's like central it's like a little

bit south of Springfield okay very good how long a drive is it to get to the St. Louis arch like a little over an hour yeah these are good stories yeah this is going really well what's the rain what's the rainfall there a year would you guess it rains it rains yeah there's weather there's snow that's your agricultural report it rains and it accumulates and there is wet ground after it rains okay David you have just humiliated yourself or to humiliate you yeah you put me here you're right you could say that I'm complicit in these crimes but I disagree and this is my reality so I'm innocent of all charges

and I'm set free and awarded a $600,000 prize from David who David you're feeling isn't it crazy sona has a book she had a book yeah it's really good it is very I've read it it's basically a how-to for me taking over did you ever think and ultimately the way this should end is you write a book and go on a tour and then do I get my own assistant yes yes this is what I'm trying to tell you is this is those Russian dolls a doll within a doll within a doll within a doll you now read sona's book okay learn how to totally screw me over and do your job then you write a book about that you take off then we hire someone

who will fill in for you mm-hmm do you know who will yeah do you have anyone in mind who you think would be good should we have Maddie do it Maddie Ogden okay me oh Matt Matt Maddie no no no no Maddie who works yeah yeah very she's a very fashionable very fashionable she's always wearing different cool outfits mm-hmm and she's crucial to the running of the podcast yes yeah so okay she'll take over then wow you've got this all worked out yeah it's a big plan I've had for a while I would like to point out quickly that you have your own podcast I do and what's it called again it's called back to the best okay

back to the best and it's about it's about like 90s early 2000s nostalgia okay our Instagram is at btdp podcast if you want to follow us this is the one you know I didn't ask him I didn't ask him for our website is btdppodcast.com nice everyone's got their own scheme yeah also he sells watches out of the trunk of his car yeah I'll give you a discount okay they're all really good high-quality digital watches in the late 80s yeah yeah yeah I'd like to plug my Tupperware business I did a Tupperware party I would like to plug something I'm doing at some point I'm not doing anything just remember no so I'm I'm

happy for Sona yeah that she's hit the big time and she had an event last night I think in Seattle at a bookstore and apparently tons of people showed up they look so full yeah it was packed yeah I was probably always the hope maybe Conan will be there show up and I think that's you know probably out of the appeal of the book who can say but I'm excited for I really seen the print copy because your name is just redacted what I love about her book is that there's so much about it that's real it is real she's telling real stories they're all honest to God true and wow what an unprofessional relationship we've had

for years I know the dynamic between you and I was reading this book sometimes man my jaw was dropping yeah yeah what who's more wrong here these are two idiots two idiots who've been it is proof there is a god yeah because whoever put us together has a sense of humor it is I love Lucy yeah but Ricky and Lucy you're both insane so yeah anyway I'm very happy for her and David if this means you're here then it must be a good sign that all's going our way because you're a lovely fellow thank you yeah and I know that you enjoy working with me I do you don't have to say that you know he pays me I have to if I don't get fired

instantly now is interesting I share you with our producer long-time producer now of almost 30 years Jeff Ross yes so you're technically Jeff's assistant and my assistant yeah but I get the feeling that if push came to shove you'd be more loyal to me oh I don't know if I feel comfortable answering that you know Jeff is right out there watching no Jeff is out there watching this but as your legal counsel I would advise you not thank you thank you I silence I want to do some of those things right like no Jeff's car needs to go into the shop I ask you to take my car into the shop and you say well no I have to take Jeff's

car into the shop and I tell you no cancel that take mine what do you do I I feel like Jeff would probably just tell me to take yours but also Jeff trusts me more with his car than you do well first of all I drive a Rolls Royce okay made of marzipan yep I am a very I wanted to I wanted to I wanted to show people my status and I thought I'll get a Rolls Royce but then I thought no it should be it should be even more a feat than that so I had it made by a great baker slash engineer out of marzipan and I drive it around and it's got a horn that goes

God it just keeps going can you push his Michael A yeah and then there's a car has a car alarm that goes yeah remember when I had you I parked it in the sun and it started to melt and I had you move it yeah that was a good time good improv thanks I said yeah I forgot to say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then I moved it yeah and then I moved it listen I think you're I do think you're a terrific person and I'll say this about David I call him first-ring hopping whenever I call him on a cell he picks up usually on the first ring how Sona 15 rings goes to someone else's voicemail then I'd have to like I mean trying I

would send her telegram I would drive to her house the contrast between David and Sona when I'm trying to contact them absolutely amazing I would choose you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I think Mikey and Charlie would choose you as the parents right there as the primary caregiver oh please she's already lost two of them because she's on the book tour God no no she took them on the book tour she did she did I heard them in the background well I heard you know Mikey no Charlie it's your beef with Charlie Charlie didn't laugh when I tried to entertain them both Mikey gave it up Charlie was just sat there and

stared at me and sort of looked like I don't get it we'll come around I went through that in the 90s I don't need that first reaction I'm sorry I cut you off you were saying something I don't remember perfect well David that is so David hopping Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely produced by me Matt Gorely executive produced by Adam Sachs Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vavino take it away Jimmy our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our

associate talent producer is Jennifer samples engineering by Will Beckton additional production support by Mars Melnik talent booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Britt Kahn you can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode got a question for Conan call the team Cocoa hotline at 323 451 2821 and leave a message it too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are down

this has been a team Cocoa production in association with EWOLF