Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Comedian Nikki Glaser feels overwhelmed about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nikki and Conan sit down to discuss modern perspectives on the vagina, the emotional toll of performing a roast, how discovering stand-up comedy helped Nikki manage an eating disorder, and going down in flames with her worst-ever jokes told at a wedding. Plus, Conan responds to the idea of his name on a rump-cheek as he and his staff Review the Reviewers. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Nikki Glaser, and I feel overwhelmed about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Well hello, Conan O'Brien here. That sounded really insincere. Why kid? Well hello, I sounded like the movie phone guy. Yeah.

Well hello. Uh, press one. Yeah, press one for a technology that doesn't exist anymore. Press two for an impression that's way out of date. Conan O'Brien here, let's stop screwing around. We gotta tighten this thing. Let's be serious. We gotta tighten the bolts on this thing.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is my side hustle. What is happening? It's my side hustle, and I'm having a blast. It's really fun. I don't know why I'm allowed to do this, but it's just been a joy, and I get to talk to people I really want to talk to and go off on strange tangents,

and everyone can see what kind of medication I'm on by just listening to it. And it's really been a lot of fun, and I'm joined by my trusty assistant, Sona Movesessian. Hello, hi. You didn't change your name when you got married, did you? I did not. Are you tempted at all to change your name? I'm thinking about it. If we have kids, you know,

when I have kids, Mom. Yeah, your mother is going to force, she's going to buy a baby and push it in there. Oh, my God. Oh, God. What the hell? Sorry, that's what's going on. What?

It's not a Thanksgiving turkey. It's awful imagery. Oh, my God. I buy the baby. I push it in you. Mom, stop it. Oh, my God. Mom, that's crazy.

Listen, Tak, let's forget I said that, America. We can't. No one can forget that. Sona, what is Tak's last name? Boroyan. And your last name is Movesessian. Yeah, we're two Armenians. Yes.

It's just, it's the IAN at the end. That's always the rule, right? Well, his is YAAN. Oh. Oh, and yet you managed- Wait, and a twist. You managed to bridge that massive cultural divide. Isn't that a Islando Calrissian and Armenian?

We pretend he is. I love it. That's fantastic. I didn't think about that. We pretend. Hey, I got to introduce you now that you've piped up with your Star Wars trivia. Yeah. Matt Gorley here, our faithful producer.

Yeah, no question. Always has been. Yeah, but really? I know. You do a good job. You know what? I had, you know, sometimes regrets about the first season. Was I too hard on Matt Gorley's?

Oh, my God. You are a good guy. You are too. I don't have regrets ever. No, no, I don't. No. What are you talking about? Well, we will hear in this episode that you get up at 3 a.m. to P, and something from

three years ago bothers you. Okay, we didn't hear that yet. So why would you bring it up? Because it's a little teaser. Yeah, what a great producer you are. I don't reference the thing that hasn't happened yet. This is a Tarantino-structured plot point. Yeah, exactly.

No, I don't mean it. I don't think I was too hard on you last season. I was reading off a piece of paper that my lawyer picked up for me. I think I need to be even harder on you this season. And how is your mom, Winifred? Wellford. Mmm, same thing. Not the same thing.

Two different names. Two different names. Pretty close. Close enough. Well, okay. Really? How are you Pigeon Pie? Oh, that's low.

That's not low. That's my mom's nickname for my Pigeon Pie. I know. I like it. Oh, Pigeon Pie. She still calls me Pigeon Pie when I call home. Does she call all of you Pigeon Pie because she can't remember your name? Yeah.

There's too many of you. Yeah, she would always, when we were growing up, and this is a common thing, but there were six of us. And if my mom, if I did something that irritated my mom, she'd go, come on, Neil. She would go through different genders before she would get to Conan. Wellford would do that, but she'd do it with the cats. It's Winifred. It's Wellford.

It's Winifred. It's Wellford. Okay. To the cats. Bartholomew and Cicero. No, Mama Chid. Are you stacious? Wait, what?

Wait, what? What's your cat's name? I said, I'm embarrassed to admit this. You're not embarrassed to admit anything. That's true. You're wearing a cuckoo clock on your head. You're loading the gun for it. I know, I'm Stephanie.

All right, so what's the cat's name? Well, we had over 30 cats and they all died premature deaths. What? Because they just all got hit by cars, but one ate a black widow and one fell off a wall. But the point is, Mama Chid was the name of one. What kind of name is that? It was a name that my youngest brother, who was when his baby, same way I got the name Manny, just said Mama Chid and it stuck.

So she had a lot of babies, so that's why she was named Mama Chid. Are you hired throughout the whole season? If I wanted to fire you now, what would happen? Would you have to get paid off? They tried to contract me for two more years and I said, just give me a year because we might need to reassess this. Wait a minute. Who tried to contract you?

The powers that be. Why aren't I included in that discussion? I don't know. You get contracts? Yeah. Well, they're four. I'm like episode by episode. Yeah.

That's a smart way. Sonya's money is left in a bag and we tell her it's on the third floor of the parking structure at Warner Brothers. And two times, there hasn't even been money in there. We just put hot cheddar burritos and she was perfectly happy. I had to do her by Hal Holbrook. Yeah. Well, I think we're off to a fine start to this show.

This is a good show. It's going to be a great one. That's right. It is. Very excited about our guest. She's hilarious. She really makes me laugh. My guest today is a very funny comedian who currently hosts the Daily Radio show You Up

with Nikki Glaser on Sirius XM. She always makes me laugh. She makes me laugh hard too. I love her. Yeah. And very excited to talk to her today. Nikki Glaser in the house. Doesn't that make me sound young?

Mm-mm. Okay. Sorry, Nikki. Opposite. I can't comprehend being friends with you. There's too many feelings about it. Really? Let's explore those, shall we?

Yeah. You mean so much to me. You're the reason I do comedy. I've told you that every time I do your show, I can't not say it because it's just a dream come true and it's kind of what I always aspire to do was be in your sphere. Oh, wow. And I am now and it's like, how did this happen? It's just one of those moments for me.

I'm sure you've had them. No. You know? I never did. No, I do. Of course. I do, but it's so funny because we all disqualify ourselves. So I have that all the time when I meet these people.

It makes sense to me because, you know, that's Steve Martin, that's Carol Burnett, that's Bob Newhart, that's, you know, I could just go on and on and on. And then I'm me. So how did this happen? But then when comedians who I, people who I really like, like you and respect, when they say it to me, I think, well, it doesn't work that way. I think we all are really good at excluding ourselves in that situation. And probably that's a defense mechanism or something.

But I just think, no, it doesn't quite work that way. I just think there's a magical thing that happens when you grow up watching somebody. Yeah. Does that, does that make sense? Of course. I completely agree with that because I feel like, but I will say I grew up also watching Saved by the Bell and it was very formative in my, in my life, but if I met Zach Morris, it wouldn't have been the same.

What did you do that for? It wouldn't. We had a really nice thing going. What I'm saying, it's not, it won't be the same. I'm impotent now. You just made me, well, you made me more impotent. I was impotent before. You're on the same level of screech.

No way. No way. And the thing is like, I, I, when I, I was exposed to comedy as a kid and good comedy, but until I found your show, I didn't, it wasn't something, it just clicked for me when I saw your show. And it was like, oh, this is something that's speaking to me and, and, and I just, I, I just felt like so personally affected by your comedy and my friends, the friends that I, my best friends, my funniest friends also were like, what is this?

It just felt so special and, and you're the funniest person that exists. Like to me, you're the fun, I know that you're the whole room, you are, you're the funniest person alive. And I've always said that, and it's, it wasn't just as a child. I watched you on, being interviewed by Anderson Cooper the other day. I can't even believe how funny it was. I was crying in bed already before I watched it, but then I watched it crying more. It was so good.

You're still at the top of your game and, and I had good taste when I was in whenever the eighth grade when I discovered you and I still have good taste. Well, that's the nicest thing anyone said to me. I think in my life, and I'm married. It's true that every comedian says that about you. Everyone knows it. It's just, it might not get to you because here's the thing is that no one complements celebrities because everyone thinks they're getting compliments all day.

But the thing is, everyone doesn't say anything to them because they think everyone else is. So they walk around and no one complements them as much as they need to be complimented. You need to be complimenting celebrities. Don't ever think they don't want to hear how much you love them. We are desperate for it. You know what it is. That's why we do this. Invade my privacy.

Please. These are really nuanced, nice things in front of people, please. I've often cited meeting you and being around you when girls come out to me and they're like shaking and they're like, I love you so much. And I'm like, I get it. My friends and I were obsessed with you in high school. It was part of my identity in high school that I was the girl that loved Conan O'Brien. I would, I had your books in the year 2000.

I would highlight the best jokes and study the jokes and I learned joke writing from you. I used to watch your fifth anniversary special. We had taped it and I watched it over and over. I was obsessed. I mean, there are so many things that me and my friends still quote to each other. I asked, last time I did your show, I asked my friend to send me a bunch of like notes that we would send because we would draw you all the time and we were obsessed with all

the characters. That's funny because I draw me all the time. I know you do. It's really sick. It's true. You do. Yeah. I know.

It's really, wow. I was into Dave Matthews and Conan O'Brien. Look at that. Oh, right on the table. I drew it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I drew it myself and I'm always saying a true narcissist only draws himself and I leave those places like a, I don't know, it's my thing. That's how I tag. It's your sort. Yeah. Whenever I'm doodling, it's just my name. And I'm like, what a narcissist. What are you going to do?

That's how I tag. Of course. Well, this is incredibly sweet and making me borderline uncomfortable. I know. I'm sorry. We've got to switch it away. We've got to switch it away to, you know, how I look and how good I look. I work out more than you think.

Isn't that true? You definitely work out a ton. I work out a lot. You're so fit. I'm very fit. And, you know, I know I'm self-deprecating about my penis, but we've had it fixed. It's been fixed. Why are you looking at me?

Like, I made the appointment. Because you were the one that drove me. You drove me. To the penis. You drove me to the clinic. What was the issue? It just, you don't want to even, we don't, we can't get into this. And I brought it up, but there were nine different problems.

And they were, the doctor said, this is a mess. And then he was in there for, he was, that was a, yeah, it was a six hour surgery. You were very nice to drive me home afterwards. Yeah, I sat outside waiting for hours while you got your penis fixed. So I want to talk about you because you, you've been on my show many times. You're always, always hilarious. You, one of my favorite things are comedians that can draw up a visual image that is both shocking and hilarious at the same time.

Yeah. And you made this joke on my show that immediately blew up everywhere. And I know that you've probably made the joke other places too, but it just punched a hole through late night at the time where you were being self-deprecating about your body. Yeah. About my vagina. That needs to be fixed. You were talking about how you, yeah, your vagina needs to be fixed.

I guess we all do it, but you came up with this image and I, I, everybody was laughing so hard. We were like shocked, but also laughing so hard because it was such great writing. Oh, thank you. Do you know what I mean? Thank you. I don't know if you can repeat it now. Yeah.

Yeah. I was waiting for you to say it, but I can't. You can't. You really can't. I said that my vagina, I've got a lot going on down there and it resembles a hastily packed suitcase. And I said, I know I'm not alone. There's a lot of bitches in the audience who wait for their flights too.

But I was just, I mean, it was just, to me it was also, it was, there's so many things that, that you could have said hastily packed is so, I mean, such a, such a great, I'm not going to say it's a great image, but it's, but it was so, it was such great writing. Thank you. Oh my God. But seriously, that's, that's, I do think there are people, there are ways and people used to maybe say, oh, you can't work blue. And I think, no, you can talk about very intimate things.

You can be blue. It's how you do it. Yes. Because there can be so much intelligence behind it and there can be, I mean, and also just for me, it was just, you were opening up this world of women and how they think about themselves, men have dominated, you know, the comedy landscape so long and talking about their penises as I just did and you were like, no, this is what we're talking about right now.

Yeah. And it was, I don't know. It really reverberated. Well, also, my vagina does reverberate. There's so much, you know. Congratulations. Thank you. Well, first of all, I want to say that that means a lot to me because I even, as you were

talking about like just choosing the right words and writing a joke, you said something to Anderson Cooper the other day that I had to rewind because I was like, I want to know exactly that word selection was so funny. And how did he just come up with that on the spot? He had like a little bit of a beard. Yeah. He was bragging about his vacation beard, which looked, it looked like a fine dusting of white.

It was, and I think you've been growing it for six weeks. You said it looks like he gently dipped his chin in a sugar bowl. Yeah. That's what it looked like. It was so funny. And the funny thing was that someone on, I had come across the clip on, I follow the Conan subreddit of like, you know, just fans of Conan's, one of the things that I'm into. And they posted and they're like, everyone's got to watch this.

And then someone had quoted what you had said about his chin being dipped in a bowl of sugar. And I go, I don't feel like that was his wording. So I went back to watch and I was like, and then I corrected him underneath it to be like, no, you got to get the wording right. It was so perfect. So I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you for cleaning that up on the internet.

Yeah. I just, but I, the vagina thing, I, what, it was really hard for me to admit that kind of thing about myself because it has been, it's something girls hate their vaginas. They look, most women hate their vaginas. That's what, I mean, I don't want to get too blue here, but that's, there's this whole thing of like, girls, some men think that girls don't like oral sex and cause they're like, no, no, no, I don't want that. And it's because we're ashamed of what we look like down there.

We think you're going to make fun of us and like roast beef sandwich or whatever. And so we all, yeah, that's, What guys, what kind of talk is that? We hear it. Yeah. I'll jump in. I'll jump in. Yeah.

You're right. I think you have to, Sona, cause we can really. You're right. I think I watched the vagina monologues years ago and they were like, everybody has to look at their vagina. And then I think that night I looked at it for the first time and they're like, I don't want to ever look at that again. I didn't want to either.

Yeah. It was not, it's just a, there's a lot there. Yeah. And it's not appealing. Right. And it should, we shouldn't feel that way, but I, I still have anxiety about it whenever I'm with someone new. I'm like, are they going to hate me?

Are they going to like just throw up on me and leave me in the woods? Like, I just feel like. Wait, well, why are you in the woods? Why were you in the woods? Why was this happening in the woods? I'll buy you a house for God's sake. Oh, okay. I have a question.

Do you, when you go to the gym, do you sneak a peek at other vaginas? Yeah, I do too. And I got a method for it. So like when, cause you'll get caught just looking. So when you blow dry your hair, put your head through your legs and then you have a low line of sight that no one can see, but you have the whole landscape of the whole area. No one can see you looking from. I'm trying to figure out how I can use.

I knew I was going to ask that. How can I, how can I use that technique to purate other people? I don't think that's going to work for me. That's, wow. Okay. There's a lot here. And that makes me feel so much better because you see other girls. We don't see other girls vaginas and then once you, except in porn, and that's where

you get the insecurity that your vagina is not perfect because porn vaginas are perfect. And then you look around at equinox and you're like, these, I like it cause the women are rich and I'm like, you can't fix it either bitch. So let's, let's take this general theme and let's, if I was really comfortable right now, wouldn't that be a problem? Yeah. I've never seen Conan this into it. This relaxed.

Yeah. This relaxed. You know. But, but you know what? No, no, no, no. Don't be sorry because this is talking about something. It's interesting to me that to be in comedy, I mean, this is an observation that many people have made.

I'm just sort of reasserting it, but to be in comedy and to be really good at what you do, why is it that it seems to be necessary that we have this bad self-image about ourselves? It seems to almost be required. I know. I mean, and I, every time there's been several times in my life where I've heard a really brilliant comedy persons hit the scene and I go and check them out and if they're too good looking, I say, I don't think so. And then later on, I'm usually right.

I'm trying to think of a exception that proves the rule, but we're not supposed to be like perfect looking. No. You know. Yeah. I mean, that's, it's the thing I struggle with the most is just, um, yeah, my appearance and, and I was, I felt ugly as a kid and as in high school and I had a really beautiful sister and beautiful friends and I just felt like not seen and I felt so angry about it.

I just didn't understand why some people got it and I didn't, but it made me real. That's why I'm funny. It's like, I was thought if I'm ever going to get attention, I have to develop a personality. And so I attribute it to being funny, but it's still, it's so, it's hard. I just did the roast of Alec Baldwin on Saturday night and, um, you know, I've never looked better. I've seen hours and hours that went into how I looked and I was trying to look my best because I got called ugly all night.

Like everything that everyone goes, you're not ugly, Nick, you're so beautiful. And I've worked hard to like figure things out to feel good enough about myself. And I don't think I'm ugly by any stretch, but, um, then I sat there all night and got called ugly in a lot of different ways and it wouldn't have hurt because some jokes don't go over. Like if they said I'm not funny, the audience is just like, no, we just saw her. She is. But then when they tell a joke where I'm ugly and everyone laughs, it, it hurts.

No, but you have, see, this is the thing where you have set that up. You have done it. Yeah. You set that up as your, uh, this is my, you know, this is my comedy trope is, uh, and, and you have over and over again reinforced that because you've done that successfully and people make that joke and it hurts. Yeah. It really hurts.

It was too bad. It does. Cause I wish it, I wish you understood that it, that they're doing it because they've heard you do it. That helps me. I haven't considered that. So you saying that right now just helped me totally why they do it. Well, it doesn't feel that way because they, they say things that I haven't even said publicly

yet where I'm like, maybe no one notices this thing. And then they say it and I'm like, Oh no, everyone notices that. Like for instance, I went up and I was seeing this to Blake Griffin all night. He was on the, the roast as well, the basketball player and, um, all my jokes are about how much I want to have sex with him. And just like, and then he gets up and is just like, I would, all of his jokes, not knowing what my jokes were going to be were like, I would never consider that. And like you look like Larry Bird, like it was just like, it was the spirit of the night.

I mean, that's what, no, I know, I know, but it just was like, I have to sit next to this person all night that I just admitted like having a crush on essentially. And this person just said, I looked like Larry Bird and that I couldn't pass for 33 and like all of these things that I'm just like, Oh my God, like it was, it was truly, it didn't the, the first time I did the roast wasn't, I was 32, you can say I look old, whatever. I'm not, I'm 32, 35 though. It's what has changed three years, but something's changed and it like, it's, I've done three of them now.

And I'm like, I don't know if I can keep doing this because it really does, um, it's, it, it, it, it affects me the week after the week after for sure. But then, you know, it's, it, it was bad for, it was bad for me last year. Here's the, here's the thing is that, uh, and I'm, I'm, I promise you this, Blake Griffin or any of the people making those jokes, they don't actually think they're getting to you. Yeah. They don't. And I just like, I don't think the jokes are getting to the people that I made them about.

Right. Exactly. And, and I think that's, I've never enjoyed, uh, um, I'm not built to roast people. I don't enjoy it. I actually can do it at work if I'm, if I'm feeling like, if I feel really comfortable with somebody, um, I can go on a long run, as you know, Sona, and, but, but I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. And if I, and if, and if I find out that I hurt somebody's feelings, I mean, over the

years, occasionally I would like tell a monologue joke and someone's feelings would get hurt and they would write me. And I remembered, uh, telling a joke, I think I made some joke about Aaron Spelling. I wasn't even thinking about it, but I, I made some joke about Aaron Spelling and you know, he had like 75,000 hit shows at the time. Yeah. And I said, oh, it was today, it was, you know, tonight was Aaron Spelling's birthday. Uh, he celebrated with his family by watching a really crappy night of television, you know,

and it was just like some joke about Aaron Spelling. Yeah. It was a little quip that throw away and I got this letter for him saying it was my birthday and I was watching your show and I didn't sleep for two nights. Yeah. I wrote him a letter. Uh, I said, I'm really sorry. I said, you're in the public eye and I made a joke and I didn't think about it.

It really, I mean, like, I think I ran a fever. I really didn't think I ran a fever because if I find out I've hurt someone's feelings, my skin burns. I felt so terrible, then of course he, he called me up and he was like, you're the greatest guy. Oh my God. Good, good. Yeah.

But then I thought, are you just writing these letters to everybody so that they call, so that they call you and because then he overreacted the other way and I thought, have I been played a little bit? But then I later on met him and he was really nice to me. And, but you're so confident and you're so funny. And then, you know, it's, I think important that we're all in the mud together and we're trying to still figure it out. And then it doesn't matter how many specials you've had or how much success you've had.

Your feelings are getting hurt. Yeah. And you're, you're a really, you know, you're doing these roasts. So some of that's on you. Yeah. I gotta stop doing them, but I, I, I appreciate that. And I know that's the thing is like, I, I see what I put out there and I see how many girls are empowered by what I say and what I do and how I hold myself and, and, but

then again, I cry on radio sometimes cause I'm like, I'm feeling ugly today. Like I'm very open about my insecurities, but I feel like a lot of times thinking of me as this like strong, confident girl is like, I just feel like a fraud sometimes. And then there, but there are sometimes that I, I do feel that way about myself. It just changes with my hormones. I did. Oh, I get that. You know, like some days I'm just like, the other day I seriously was like crying and

being like, I hope I get hit by a car. Like I was just having a bad day and I was like, what is going on with me? I need to be hospitalized blood. And I'm like, oh, my period. Every month I feel that way and I never see it coming. Yeah. But in, in then other days I feel sorry to get back to my vagina, but I just cried during Jerry Springer a week ago.

Yeah. And it was on mute. And I saw a woman confronted by her husband who he cheated on her with and she was crying and yelling at him. And I was like, oh my God, he really hurt her and I just started crying. Yeah. And my husband was like, what is happening? Yeah.

This happens. Wow. It's a cliche thing. No, but you know what? She's on her period, but it's real. But you know what? No, it is real. And I wish that men had, we don't have, because I do think we have similar ranges.

I don't know. I can't say that it's the same extreme. I can't even say. I don't know. All I can tell you is that I get worried that I haven't, someone's displeased with me and that's a big thing I got to work on. You just want everyone to like you. I'm getting better at it.

Yeah. I sometimes convince myself, I don't care. Right. Okay. Well, whatever. Fuck it. They don't like me. That's their problem.

I like me. And then 10 minutes later, but why don't they like me? Yeah. It's just this. Why wouldn't they? I've murdered. I have a murder repeatedly. Mostly Pacific Northwest.

I defy you to find. That was you. Yes. That was you. Yes. All the murders, all the murders in the Pacific Northwest, you know what's great is you can just reference murder in the Pacific Northwest and people are like, yep, probably did. There's so much open space there.

There really is. And you just put a body and whatever, maybe they find it, maybe they don't. Jesus Christ. What? What's your problem? I love murder. I know you do. I know you do.

I'm just putting it out there. Yeah. And I'm very capable of it. I loved your documentary because it made me see that you weren't what I thought. Like you are insecure and driven and a workaholic and all of these things that I am too. And I'm wanting to be you. And I'm like, oh, even when you achieve all of those things, it doesn't seem to get. That's my whole.

Better. Doing the roast the other night, I was like, I had a great set. I killed. Like everything was great. I could not enjoy myself. I went first. I had a great set. Everyone was just like, couldn't have gotten more compliments, everything that I wanted

in that moment. But I realized I forgot to do two jokes that were my two of my favorite jokes. And I was just like, I can't believe I couldn't let it go. And it's over, Nikki. You can't go back. There's no reason to even worry about this right now. But I'm trying to enjoy the show. You're on camera processing what just happened and trying to laugh at everyone else.

And I couldn't. I couldn't let it go. And I was so everyone's texting me there in the audience. Great job. And I'm like, I forgot two jokes. And they're like, what are you talking about? I went to the after party. I was just staring at the floor like listlessly, just going over how could I forget those?

And but it's pointless. I can't go back. What is the issue? And I'm like, maybe there will be another Alec Baldwin roast that I can do those. It's just, it was I ruined my night. I ruined the best. What could have been one of the best nights of my life, you know, I ruined it. What's weird too is I have the same thing.

What will happen is three years later, literally three years later, and I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I'll get up in the middle of the night to like urinate and I will go into the, you know, bathroom, urinate and I'm sitting there and I'm in an undefended moment at three in the morning and I'll remember that I forgot to do those two jokes. And I'll go out loud and my wife will be like, what, what, what, what, what, what? And I'll be like, no, no, no. And I can't explain because if I told her, I just remembered that three years ago I was doing something and it was going really well.

And then I forgot to do the one joke that really would have made it great. And that's why I said shit out loud as if a little door had opened in the bathroom and a little man had come out and stabbed me in the knee. I said it with that much intensity. I can't say that because she would leave. She would divorce me. It's crazy. She would say, yeah.

Yeah. That's the other night when I was just so upset about it and I couldn't even celebrate even a little bit. And I just sounded crazy to everyone that came up to me because I could not talk about it still. And everyone was just like, what? And I go, why am I doing this for a living? Because this was supposed to be the best feeling of this is as good as it gets in terms of

I couldn't have hoped for anything better and I can't enjoy it. So what, what is the point? I should just retire and rescue birds, just get a bird rescue, birds or assholes. I kind of like them a lot. I really like to explore that moment when people realize in comedy that this is their thing. When did you know? Because for me it was process of elimination.

It was, well, I can't do this. I can't do that. And you talk about, well, my sister's the pretty one. I'm not the pretty one. And I went through process of elimination. I'm not as smart as my brother Luke. I'm not as strong as my brother Neil. And I just went through all this big list and then I whittled it down to literally like,

I can do this. So I guess we have to start working on this. That's totally what happened to me. I just knew I wanted to be on TV in some way. How old were you? I think it was like fifth or sixth grade. Like it was early on, but I was so scared to perform. I had such anxiety about it.

I used to have to class presentations. I would have to go do them during recess just in front of the teacher because I just shook in front of the class so much and my voice would quiver and my whole body would shake. And I would pick out things to present. I would find ways that the class wouldn't have to see me. So all of my presentations would be like glow in the dark so that the lights could be cut so that I could just present this like thing. Welcome our special guest, Miss Bag on her head.

Hi everybody. So I didn't know what I was going to do because I wanted to be on TV. I wanted to do plays and perform, but I just couldn't get over the stage fright and my parents were going to take me to a specialist and then I was really depressed about it. And then I got an eating disorder, a pretty severe eating disorder. My senior year of high school and that was, I think it was just my way of being like, I just want to die kind of because also I thought some of the roles I wasn't getting because I was a little chubby.

So I just had a diet, the diet got out of control. I got really, really sick, hospitalized. So your family knew, they knew what was going on because some people are, they don't understand eating disorders. A lot of people don't understand eating disorders, but a lot of parents don't really know what's happening in that moment. They're not on it. Were they on it?

Did they know what was going on? No, I was such a liar and so sneaky and of course they did, but they didn't want to face the facts that their daughter was like dying in front of them. It was just too much for them to handle. And so eventually the school had to get involved and I was just so sick that I was literally going to die. So I was hospitalized and I lied my way. I had to go to college in the fall and this was the summertime I was hospitalized.

It happened really quick and I did not want to stay in a hospital obviously because they were like making me eat. So I ate enough to just like convince everyone that I was going to get out. But so I got to go to college and I was still in my disease, still tricking everyone, still planning on like losing more weight and just like ending it and then I go to school and I went to a school I didn't go with any friends from high school and the only way for me to make friends was I looked so scary. I looked so, so scary and everyone was worried about me.

The only way to make friends was to be huge and be like really funny. And so I just developed a personality that I just had it before. I mean, I was always funny with my group of friends, but I wasn't outspoken and I just became more, I just became so funny that people started just so that they wouldn't be worried about me. And then people started telling me like, you should be a stand-up comedian, like you're really funny. And as soon as I heard that, I hadn't even considered that.

And then I Googled like Sarah's or a stand-up comedian female because I didn't even pay attention to stand up and I saw Sarah Silverman and I was like, oh, okay, well, this is the greatest thing I've ever seen and I would, I would watch her on your show and the way she made you laugh. I was like, this is, there's something here and like, I remember one time you told this by the way, I don't think I've gotten a chance to, I'm just, she's, yeah, she, when I first started stand-up, I was just like, what would Sarah Silverman write?

So I just wrote in her voice, I was obsessed with her and she's informed so much of who I am today. But then I did one stand-up set my freshman year of college and it went so well and felt so good that I was like, oh, then this is what I'm going to do forever. Like I called my dad, I was like, I want to drop out of school, this is what I'm going to do. I know I'm good at it. I know it was finally something I was like better than most that it was like my thing.

And it saved my life because I, I legitimately like wanted to die. I was like, I can't be an actress. I want to be on TV. I know that that's my calling. I'm not talented enough to do it. I'm not going to be a teacher. I'm not going to be a mom. I'll kill myself before those things.

And so I was like pretty much killing myself. And then that was the first time I was like, oh, I guess I have a reason to like eat or figure to beat this illness. It wasn't as easy as that of like, oh, no, I can eat now. But it gave me the initiative to say, okay, how do I figure out how to not die from this? And so then I went and got help myself. Are you still getting help for that? Yeah, I get a lot of, I still struggle with it because it just stays with you.

I don't, I don't. Because I think, yeah, I feel like you can't just quit. It's, it's an, it's, it's an ongoing process, but yeah, it comes and goes and it definitely comes and goes with, you know, it's all about control and just feeling it's the only thing you can control when you can't control anything else. And so I, I no longer want to die from it, but it's still something that I use as a means to get like high or to punish myself or to control, to control things, but it's not the same as it was back then, which was like, I didn't know how to eat, like I couldn't.

And I wanted to die from it every night. I would just be, because it was miserable, you're just hungry all the time. And so, you know what you get? Like a little hungry, how annoying you are. Like, I was just starving and I didn't know how to eat and I was like, this sucks and I can't ever eat again. So I was just, every night I would go to sleep and be like, please, can I not wake up? It was just horrible.

So I, I don't feel that way anymore. So I feel like I've beaten it in a sense, but the food issues will always be there as they are with everyone. It's the more you think, look at it, it's like everyone's got something. And so we're with food. It's just too, it's too much, but anyway, but yeah, comedy like rescued me. You know, I feel like listening to you, what I can relate to is, first of all, I legitimately hate hearing someone be in that kind of pain, like I'm sorry, I'm really, I'm really sorry

that you went through that and I'm, I'm glad you're here and you're much better. Yeah, yeah. Just happy about that. Thanks. That makes me happy. I will say that when I hear you talk about it, what resonates with me is I always had a similar thing of it's got to be my voice. Yes.

And I think that's what you're talking about is for a long time you thought, I've, how can I be one of the cats in the, in the play cats? You know, because that's so you, you know, and, and it's just listening to you. It's so clear to me that you just, it took you, and I think it takes a long time for people to figure out when it's just your voice. And there's this misconception, oh, Nikki Glaser or Conan O'Brien, they'd be, they'd been the class clown. No, we're not class clowns.

I always say the class clown dies in a motel shootout. You know, we don't, we're, we're, I was in the back of the room watching some asshole get up on a desk and set the clock back an hour, a head an hour or whatever. Yes. Why would he set it back an hour? He was an overachieving class clown. I'm a dick and I want to work longer. Stay late saving.

Yeah. He was just brain and vocal. I really want to know geography. And I'm an asshole. Yeah. And so, yeah, I just, I think, I always thought that's not me and, and hearing you talk and hearing so many people talk that I've had a chance to talk to about this stuff, you know, and if, whether it's a Bill Hader or anybody, they're not the class clown.

They're in the back and their friends know they're funny. They're really good friends know they're funny, but they're terrified of getting up in front of people. And I kind of respect that. I do respect people that are, it should scare the shit out of you to get up in front of people. It should feel like the most important thing in the world. Yeah.

And to this day, if I just, if people say, I'd be really nice if you got up before this small dinner and said a little something, I am petrified. I am racing through my head. I have the will to do it and get up, but I do think being scared beforehand is some of the secret sauce. Yes. Which sucks. Yeah.

I don't get scared doing standup anymore, but do not. I don't want to, I don't want to give a wedding toast. I don't want to have to, I really flub in those moments. Like I bomb and the expectations are always so high and I can't for whatever reason. I think I put off preparing for it because I'm like, I'll just be sincere and funny in the moment. And I've often bombed at weddings. Pretty severe one time.

My best friend's wedding, when I, when I met my best friend in college the first night we met, I stopped her, we were on a walk and we were like, let's just go leave this fret party and go walk down this block and a block in, I just knew this was going to be my best friend for my life. So I go, I just have to say, our kids are going to know each other. That's how much I just, I know that and it's so far away. And then, so I told that story at her wedding and I go, but it's not going to happen actually because I'm Baron and it just, it just like, it's not funny, it's not even, it just sat

there and I'm not, but I don't know if I, I think, I'm sorry, I think that's kind of funny. I mean, it's funny if you're, you know, yeah, I was like, and, and, and it would have happened Catherine and I would have looked forward to it, but it won't because I'm Baron. And Baron is such too, it's sort of an antiquated, no one says Baron anymore, I am Baron. And so it just bombed so bad and she was the only one that laughed, but it was just so humiliating because everyone was like, the comedians getting up. And then at my sister's wedding, I told a story about how she was my younger sister,

but she had always resonated to me as like an older sister. She was the first one to kiss a boy and have sex and, and put, she taught me how to wear makeup and she knew that Santa Claus wasn't real before I did. She was the one that told me like, he's not real. There were children at this reception that I gave this toast at and they, that's when they found out Santa wasn't real. They all, there was crying children in the bathroom. And then you, then you panicked and, and did your vagina hunks.

Let me tell you what it looks like kids. I'm barren. It's a hastily packed suitcase, kids, kids, where are you going? I love you starting to lose the kids on Santa Claus. And so you, you panic and you go for, here's an image. Come back here. Wow. Uh, this has been, this has been fantastic.

This has been great. This has been so fun. Um, no, really, uh, just a delight to have you here and thank you for being hilarious, but also really honest and, and it does helps. It really does help people. You're helping a lot of people when you tell them what you've gone through because there are a lot of, uh, and, and, uh, you know, I like, I'd like us to get to a point in society where we're not talking about here's the funny guys and who are the funny women and let's

list the funny women and here's the funny men and be nice to get to who are the funny people and we will get there. Yes. It's a, it's a, it's a march, but we will get there. Um, and I do think you're helping a lot of people when you tell them, this is what I went through. Yeah. Cause it's letting them in in a really great way.

I can't even tell you. I, I forgot, there were multiple times during this interview that I forgot that I was talking to you and you're just a regular person. So I appreciate you being so cool to, to, to me. I just can't believe you're just so great and I've learned so I don't, please just accept it. Anyone listening, but I've, uh, I aspire to be a talk show host. I host my own radio show, I, I, I, I've learned so much from you watching you interact with.

I love your interviews. That's so much such a part of the show that you usually skip on other people's and yours. It's like my favorite part. It's, um, and it's just an honor to like be on your couch when I'm at your place and clean that up a little bit. No, but it's, it's always such an honor. It's just, it's, it's wild to me that I've achieved this. It's like I could quit now and be, um, completely fine with everything because this is a truly

a dream come true. Please don't cut this. Okay. I won't cut it. Thank you. But we'll put, uh, fart noises. Uh, Nikki Glaser, thank you so much for being here and let's do this again. I'd love it.

All right gang, it's time to review the reviewers. These are the Apple podcast reviews for this show and we're going to dive into some of them if you want. Have you read these ahead of time? You're just going to blindly start. I've read them. Okay. All right.

You just don't want to get anything that could be. No, I'm, I'm okay. I tend to go towards the negative, but I'm going to try not to do that today. I'm going to try and just, uh, take whatever criticism we get, um, with, uh, with good cheer. Yeah. And I don't think you're going to get any criticism except for this first one. The title is could be better.

Oh. Could be a lie. Hey. Hey. This is a five star rating. All right. In high school in the early 2000s, I had a classmate who had a tattoo of Conan on her rump cheek.

Naturally, I thought she was crazy. Turns out she knew a great comedian decades before I did. The podcast is awesome. It's really sweet. How do you feel about your name on a rump cheek? Many fans have tattoos. A lot of women have tattoos. I'm talking about not a lot of women in the world.

I mean, just of the Conan fans, uh, and, uh, I'm always sort of have mixed feelings about it. Um, I have talked younger fans out of doing it. I draw a little Conan caricature and I've had them ask me, oh, can you draw that on my arm? And then I'm going to go from here. I'm talking about women that are, you know, 18, 19, and I, I'll say, uh, I'd, I'd rather you didn't do that.

I don't think you should mark up your body with my face. Um, I think it's cool. Well, I'm, I have a hard time with. Do you understand how it would make me feel uncomfortable? Yeah, I do, but they're a fan of yours. People get tattoos of bands and stuff. But I could do something awful in like a month. Yeah.

And then do you know what I mean? No, it's true. I could completely, so many celebrities now, so many celebrities, let's face it, uh, they're beloved for one reason or another for their work. And then suddenly they're in prison. Yeah. You know, someone's got a Bill Cosby tattoo. Well, I wasn't going to say that.

Or Einstein. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a Trump tattoo done in the 80s just because I was a fan of his real estate acumen. And then now, uh, you know, now I don't know what to say, but so things can change. And I could snap at any time. I could snap at any time and commit atrocious crimes.

If nothing has happened yet, I think you're good because you've, you've done a lot of awful, like you've said awful things. What are you talking about? I've said awful things. Do the people who work for you? Oh, stop it. And people love you even more. I've said awful things to the people who work for me.

You know what I mean? Like, you know. A lot of people have recorded on this podcast. Yeah. No, it's just so bad. Yeah. This is called good-natured give and take. Yeah.

I give, you take. And you better be good-natured about it or it's out the door and no paycheck for you. Yeah, I just can't imagine the scandal that you're, you would be embroiled in. Yeah. I think it's going to be, you know, oh, Conan Stoll some ancient Flemish armor and from a museum. There's a, there's actually an armor museum in Worcester, Massachusetts and, you know, Conan Stoll some of the Flemish armor.

My crime when it comes out is going to be weird like that, but it's still going to be a crime and people with my tattoo are going to wish they hadn't had it. But I'm very, I think it's very erotic that someone had it on their rump. Yeah. And rump is such an interesting word choice too. Yeah. Rump, why does that feel like lower butt cheek to me? Like just under the shelf.

Jesus Christ, get your hands out of your pants. He's such a f-animal. Do you have tattoos? Not a one, you? No, none. Yeah, you have a tattoo of Adlai Stevenson. You're the only one that's known who he is. Yeah.

Do you have a tattoo? I do not have a tattoo. If you had to get one, what would you get? Probably the cast of Gilligan's Island. What? Just to throw people off. No. Yeah.

Come on. Yeah, I would. Like how big standing in a line? Yeah. Covered the whole chest. Are they on a little island? You know what? I will say this.

We have a writer on the show. He's a very talented writer who has tons and tons of tattoos and he's always getting more of them. And I had this thought recently which is at the end of the day, you're just entertaining the coroner. Like the coroner's like, all right, what are we doing today? Now this is many years from now, I hope. This is someone I really care about.

But they pull back the sheet and, oh, hey, look, and it's like a magazine. And instead of before they cut the chest open and whatever, they do what they're doing. You're assuming they die of an unsolved mystery. Most people, most of the writers on my show will die under somewhat sordid circumstances. But you know what I mean, while they're investigating the autoerotic asphyxiation or the drowning in molasses, you know, they're going to have something to look at and go, oh, look, there's our 2D2 holding a corona. Oh, you know, there's...

You just made me realize I wanted a tattoo. Yeah. That's an actual real tattoo, by the way. That the writer has? No, no, not the writer. He would get it if he had thought of it, but we did our tour back in 2010 tour, a guy working on my crew went, hey, Conan, I finally got my dream tattoo. Check it out.

And it was R2D2 holding a corona. Holding with a little robot arm? With the little arm that comes out? Yeah. The little arm that comes out and goes bloop and rotates and mysteriously solves every problem in the script. Well, we don't have to get a commentary on the Star Wars problems out of this, just, you know, take it easy.

It's a sensitive time right now. Oh, you just triggered Matt, oh my God. Wow, I've never seen a beard sweat. All right, well anyway, let's stay on topic here before you get on your Star Trek wormhole. Star Wars. Same thing. Anyway, now watch the comments fly. You just lost half your listeners.

Oh, please. Half? Well, the half the world Star Trek, half the world Star Wars. You know what I like to say to people, may the Force be with you and prosper. You mix those two up, you know? You have long and prosperous, someone is looking at me like she doesn't understand. No, I know. I don't know.

So anyway. Did you want me to laugh? Yeah. Well, when I look at you and I hold up my left thumb, that usually means laugh. Oh, that's so sad. You look cute. Anyway, I wonder how the woman is who has the Conan on her butt cheek. Has she been okay with that decision?

Do you think she's had it removed? Or has she had the tattoo altered to be another celebrity who's probably worn better over time? Slight adjustments. How do you just accept? Slight adjustments to my face would make a Brad Pitt tattoo. Oh. When I mean slight, I mean a complete removal and a re-inking of Brad Pitt. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.