Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nikki Glaser Returns

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Comedian Nikki Glaser feels chill about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nikki sits down with Conan once more to discuss moving back in with her parents, handling criticism, hosting Fboy Island, and pushing the boundaries with her latest special Good Clean Filth. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Nikki Glazer and I feel chill about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep those doggies rollin' along. Rope and twist and brandom, don't try to understand them. Just burn their skin and laugh and say goodbye. Ta-da-da, Sona, take it. You don't want me to sing. But you know the lyrics and everything.

I don't, actually. I acted like it was because of the singing, but I don't know what the fuck the words are for that song. Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We have a great podcast today. Oh. Yeah, I just feel it in my bones. Yeah. There are days where I've felt, eh, we don't have the goods.

Oh. But those turn out to be fantastic as well. What's your fact? What's your point? Never had it done. My point is, my point is, my point is we can do no wrong. We've been blessed by God. Yeah.

What happened there? I don't know. What was going on? They're fine. It was described. And Aaron Blair just darted across the room and made a crazy motion and acted like, no, don't mind me. And we are in a special zone. Yeah.

I was in the midst of talking about how amazing we are. We were in the pocket, Blake. Yeah. What were you doing? There was a tissue in shot and you had to get it out. Yeah. What happened? You know, when we did this podcast, we talked to the control room the entire time.

You know, we're chatting. I'm already bored. On Slack. And they just let me know there was some garbage on this tool. But who cares if there's garbage on this tool? I'm just, I don't kill the messenger. They're telling me to get rid of the garbage. I go and get rid of the garbage.

Can I do as I'm told? Can I just say something? I don't understand what the chain of command is here. I would think that I am the captain of this tugboat. But I'm finding out that there are people in other rooms who are issuing commands. It's a podcast. Who would care if there's some stuff out? We're just living in a simulation, man.

Can I just be devil's advocate for a second? What if you see the video and then there's garbage on the stool and then you're like, Blake, why don't you pick up the garbage? First of all, why would I ever watch this video from this podcast? How bad does my life have to be where I'm saying, honey, I'm going to go into the basement and watch a video of my podcast. So that's number one. Number two is that if there's a bottle and some papers on a stool in that video,

do you think I'm going to then go on a rampage? No. No, I would not. But three, that's my tissue. I've got a delicate little runny nose. Wait, I just thought it was your used tissue. Yeah, there's snot on it. We have COVID protocols here.

You just jumped on a moist recently used tissue in the midst of a COVID. I have monkeypox. You know, I will say when I grabbed it, I did think, oh, this is kind of wet. Of course. You said this is kind of monkeypox-y. You got monkeypox on you. I'm sorry. Now he's taking it out of the trash.

Well, don't put it back on the stool. My nose is runny. What? Is that even a tissue? I feel like that's like a paper towel. Regular tissues, they just fall apart. I need something a little more robust, you know? Oh, he's got your nose.

So what do you use for a tissue? These hand towels we have in the bathroom here are fantastic for blowing your nose. Wait a minute. You're using the hand towels in the bathroom to wipe your nose? No, it's like terry cloth. They're not cloth. They're just, you know, like heavy duty. No, I use those.

Well, I don't put them back. I think you do because I went in there the other day and there were some. I always like to take off my shirt when I go in the bathroom and rub whatever tissues out all over my chest. Wait, I use those now. It's very sensual. So I'm blowing my nose on your body musk? Yes.

You rub them and then you put them back? I put them back carefully. And then I blow my nose and put them back. Yeah. It's a thing I do, which I was a little reluctant to talk about because I thought it'd be judged, but I love nothing more than finding tissues that have been used and rubbing them over my chest. It's very sensual and mysterious.

Wow. Nothing I just said is true. I don't want people stopping me on the street and saying, why do you do that? I do not do that. Do you think people thought you were serious? I think about 18 percent. Okay. Yeah.

Because I said it with great authority. And also, now that I mention it, it sounds sensual and cool and I'm going to try it. What if we say, you're moaning coming from the bathroom? Don't, you don't have to do it. No. Wait, that sounded more like a ghost. That's a haunted orgasm. Yeah.

That's a haunted orgasm. Nothing sexy about that. I know. I love a ghost having an orgasm. Don't do as I did in life. What are they coming from? It's making them orgasm. What are they coming from the afterlife?

No, like coming as in C-U-M-M-I-N-G. Oh. I said it and it was a little crass. But what are, what's orgasming them? Oh, the ghost prostitute. Yeah. Oh, right. Okay.

Yeah. What if ghosts just hang around and they're, because they can hang around and just watch everything, they're totally just getting off. Right. And they're creeps. We think they're there in this scary way, but it turns out they're just loitering. First of all, they're loitering. They haven't been invited.

They're in your personal space. They see everything and they're like, oh, oh, oh. Wait, are you haunting me or are you, no orgasm? I'm not haunting. Don't stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep doing your taxes. No, let's, yeah. You're doing the most mundane thing and the ghost is, it's so hot. Could declare those dependents. Yeah. A ghost that finds mundane things erotic and is constantly orgasming. Well, you're just around the house trying to make some chicken noodle soup. Oh, tear the packet, tear the packet that makes the flavored brown.

Boy, this ghost is really getting this. Ghost is constantly. Come on. And because he's a ghost, he's never done. If you know what I mean, you know, he just goes and goes and goes. All day doesn't need to recharge. No. He's just ready to go.

I'm ready to go instantly. Is that what ectoplasm is? Yeah. Pretty much. Sorry. Now you'll never watch ghost. I know Ghostbusters is probably your favorite movie, but I bet you'll never watch it the same way again.

Are you kidding? I'll watch it, but not the same way. Nice. Wow. I love Ghostbusters. Oh, okay. Then that's fine. Yeah.

We should get started. Yeah, we should get started. It needs to end. It does need to end. Orgasm in Ghost, coming soon to a theater near you. Normally we do a segment. I don't think we're going to do a segment today because we have so much to talk to Nikki Glazer about.

She's a terrific guest. She's one of our favorites. She's wonderful. She and I have a kooky chemistry. So we're clearing the decks for Nikki, my guest today. Of course, a hilarious comedian whose latest comedy special, Nikki Glazer, Good Clean Filth, is available to stream now on HBO Max. Nikki Glazer, welcome.

We've talked many times. Yeah. And we are simpatico. And a lot of people wouldn't think we would be. Really? Yeah. We've talked so much different types in some ways. Yeah.

You being an attractive person. No. No. You know what I'm saying. I mean, you're, you know, I just, it's funny how you and I gel so nicely. It makes sense to me because, I mean, I've gone over this so many times, but the first time I saw you and was exposed to your comedy, it just, everything made sense and kind of came into focus for me in terms of the weird kind of things I thought that I only thought

were funny or it just, everything made sense. It just, it felt like the first thing that I found that was like my thing. Right. At that age. That's cool. That could make me feel less weird. So I'm saying to you. Here we go.

There it is. That makes more sense. I like when you said, when you first exposed your comedy to me, it's just on the edge of being super creepy. Yeah. Or viral. Well with male comedians, I always start the sentence that way and then you never know where it's going to go.

I was a young girl and I was in St. Louis. I've come and came to town and exposed himself comedically. What? You know, we've talked a lot and there's so much to talk about and you're having so much success and whenever you're out there killing it, I'm happy for you because you're a good person and I root for you. But I want to go back to talk about St. Louis because you come from St. Louis and I swear to God that's got to be key.

That's got to be key to your origin story. Don't you think? Yeah. And I live there now too. Oh, you move back? I move back there. I move back during, so during COVID, it kind of, I was doing your show when everything kind of shut down.

I know. My parents were out here. And again, it sounds like you're blaming my show. I was exposed to the coronavirus. I'm constantly exposing you to things. And I was out here doing your show and my parents were with me because they're huge fans and whatever I can, I like to bring them along and the world was shutting down and then I just went back to St. Louis with them because I figured my apartment was in New York, but

I put these fucking straws. You just keep bumping into that straw, don't you? Yes. Let me just describe what's happening. Yes. We're providing these metallic straws because we're trying to save the oceans, which is, I think, noble of us. But those straws are very aggressive.

They stick out quite a ways. Every time you gesture with your hand, you go slamming into it. I know. And it will end up in the ocean. You're getting vodka all over me. So anyway. So I went back to St. Louis because that's where my parents live and the world was shutting down and I was kind of scared and I just stayed there and I lived with my parents for 10 months.

I don't. Listen. Yeah, wow. A really good point in my career, too. You are. Things are going well. Things are going very well for you. I have to tell you, I love my parents.

Yeah. But if I moved back in with them, I would take my own life within three days. And I mean that with so much love and caring. But I would. I would. I was thinking about doing that very thing within three months, I think was the timeframe for me, where it was got real dark. And it's just that we're not meant to go back at that point.

And you are much younger than me, obviously, but I don't see how you could handle that. 35 or 36 when this was all going down and things were going well. Like you don't move back in with your parents unless you're broke or Asian, you know, as an adult. So it's acceptable. I'm sorry. I'm just checking my notes to see if we're in trouble here. I don't think so.

Or Armenian, too. Or Armenian. Or Armenian. It's a cultural thing. It's a cultural thing. I think it's sweet. Or the oldest child in a Catholic family. Yes.

Okay. Computer coder. All right. Anyone who's really into Dungeons & Dragons. But I was doing it because I was scared of being alone. I saw comedy clubs are going to shut down the places I hang out to not feel alone. And so I just was like, I need mommy and daddy. I mean, it really was me being scared.

I slept on my parents' floor until I was like eighth grade. I was a scared child. So I think I just reverted back to being horrified, wanting to be with mom and dad, thinking it was going to be a couple of weeks and then it ended up being 10 months. And it only moved out because it just got sad to tell people that I was living with my parents. It got too embarrassing. But I was having a good time.

I mean, they're usually, when you live with your parents as an adult or you visit home, they're usually sick. You're seeing this like sad side of things, but my parents are still really vital and fun. And so I was having a great time, but I had to move out and I was too scared to go back to New York or LA. I was scared to go back to where I would feel constant pressure to be out every night doing a comedy, saying yes to every podcast.

I couldn't stop saying yes to things. And so I kind of stayed in St. Louis to stay away from my drug, which is work. So let me ask you about St. Louis because my experience, I don't know if you've been on any of these trips, so this may have been before your time, but there were a bunch of times where I had to go as part of an affiliate trip to different cities. And I think three different times I went to St. Louis and every time I said, well, I want to see St. Louis and they would say walk down to the arch and I would walk down to the arch and kind of look around and they'd say, you got it.

Whoa. Is there something part of St. Louis that people aren't showing me? Yes. What were they trying to hide from me? Because I kept saying I want to explore and they always sent me in the same direction every time. The arch is so cool, but it is limited out there. It's very cool, but there's a park.

Yes. There's a park that says John Hamm sat here and that's it. And you get to sit where John Hamm sat and it feels very John Hammy and then you move on. But other than that, I thought, why do they keep directing me down to this? It's a nice spot, but that's it. There's other places too. We've got a nice park, Forest Park.

It's bigger than Central Park. That's really nice. We've got a cool children's museum that people go to as a destination called the City Museum. There's cool places, but it's spread out. There are little pockets everywhere. So I think that, yeah, I think they just wanted to keep you just down by that arch. Yeah. Because it is a cool structure and it isn't, people think like, oh, can you drive through

it? Like it's a redwood tree, but no, it's gigantic. You can't drive through it. You walk under it, but it's huge. You can go in it. Isn't there an elevator? You can go up in it. Is it an elevator or something?

It's a small elevator that shifts as you go so that you're not turning sideways as it goes. So it shifts. It feels very rickety. It's from the 60s, I believe. And then you get up there and it kind of sways back and forth. Nothing built in the 60s is safe, including myself. That was just a bad era.

Whenever someone says, no, you're fine. It was built in the 60s. Just don't get on it. Did you hear? You've been recalled. I've been recalled many times. I've been recalled over and over and over again. But no, that is...

Yeah, wait. I've got to ask you about this affiliate thing because I heard you talk about this when you were breaking down the history of late night and how it came to be. You go town to town to talk to affiliates to get them to put your show on? To make nice with them. And it's something... Why? Okay.

This is me as an old timer telling you how things used to be, which is when you got a big TV show, you needed to go to parties where the affiliate, people from the affiliate heads would come together and it was like a convention for them and they wanted to see the stars. Yeah. And I mean, they wanted to see the friends. They wanted to see before the friends. They wanted to see the people from Wings.

They wanted to see the people from Frasier. Anyone who was on NBC, they wanted to see them. And these things, I couldn't chart the history of network TV starting from when I got into it in 93 and these parties were massive. I mean, giant ice sculptures of NBC Peacock and drinks named after all the different shows and goodie bags. And by the time, and massive stars at the time, like Kelsey Grammer and, you know, at the time, Bill Cosby, people were there and he had his own drinks.

He was handing out. Oh, no. No. Anyway, my point is, they'll clean that up. Please. I'm moving it to the front. Yeah. I had so many of those.

And then I'd wake up dressed as Lord Fauntleroy. This isn't my outfit, but they have these massive affiliate events. And then I swear to God, by the time I left, they, you know, in, by the time I'm getting out of it, it was cash bar, you know, we tried to get a puppet for this event, but Alf said no, you know, it, it, it really was sort of lead back to Alf. Yeah. He's 20 years out of doing his show and he's still going to do it. And he's an inanimate puppet.

They just didn't even want the guy who worked out. They just wanted Alf. And Alf said no. But I mean, it was just, so I saw the whole thing, but I was still part of that time when you had to go and talk to affiliates. And I remember it as late as 2009, going to Oklahoma city and they had me get on a horse and like ride it around the, I mean, you felt like you were running for a national office. Would they not air your show?

No, they would. That is a part of the lineup. If you don't go, what's. No, no, they would, but it was a way to, you know, be a team player. Okay. You know, in retrospect, it seems insane because now we live in this different world where they're streaming and, you know, no one's going town to town. Hey folks, let me tell you a little about the Conan show, gather around, gather around,

bring the kids. Now let me tell you something. Any questions here? Yes? Well, it'd be on the television. Yes, it will, fam. It will. Where's Alf?

Yeah, where's Alf? Well, Alf couldn't be here. Boo. But he's inanimate. I know. It's just a fucking party. I know he couldn't make it. Where's Alf?

Do you have any puppets? No, we don't. But it was just a different time. So that's what you did. Yeah. But yeah, it's just so funny now that it would never occur to me that, and it's, and when I talk to younger people about the old days of television, it's just so strange. They act like I'm a fossil, but that's what it was like.

Do you miss that time or is there things about it that you're like, oh, I'm so glad that kind of stuff is over? I mean, I'm happy that it was so much extra work that no one ever saw, you know, it was all of this work and chasing around and talking to people. I mean, I did it before, I mean, I did it in 93, I did it a couple of times throughout those years. I used to have to call affiliates and check in with them. Oh, my God.

And, you know, but I was always on the verge in the early years of getting canceled and they would say. So you would do anything they said. They would say. This might help. And I would get on the phone and go, hi, I'm doing where my best on the show is not performing that well. I know.

I know. But it was. Yeah, those were those were grim times, but I'm glad that that's done. And I think things exhausting on top of doing a nightly show. Yeah, there was a sick part of me that kind of liked it. I'm kind of I have a political side in that I like to work a crowd and I like to play and press the flesh and I like to almost take it as a challenge. So sometimes they'd turn me loose on a room and I would just go through the whole room

and I just I there was part of me that liked it. But ultimately, it was energy that you were expending that wasn't going into the creative product. And that that was ultimately, I think, not not terrific. Would you ever find yourself so tired that your comedy would shift meaner as you what's a what's a Conan that's suffering on burnout look like when you're thrust? Well, everyone here in the room, just I should ask you guys, you're sitting with Stalin. You're sitting with Stalin in his Politburo.

And you're saying, hey, Stalin, is there a time when you get a little grumpy and what's that look like? And everyone else, Bukharin, Khrushchev, no, no, he always happy, always happy, always great. He's a good guy, fun at party, never killed my wife, well, one time, but not second wife yet. No, I don't think I'm maybe we'll so you can speak to this because I'm a master of passive aggression.

Oh, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen anyone do passive aggressiveness like you. And so it's it's weird because I've been told it can be quite funny. You know, I was raised, you can't directly confront anyone. So I would never say like, Nikki, you know, you just screwed up and you're in big trouble. I would never do that. Why wouldn't you ever do that? Because I just don't come from that culture. What's the fear?

Oh, the fear is anger is toxic and truth is toxic. So one of the things that I noticed if I when I was younger or even into my teen years and early 20s, if I said something kind of like truthful around my parents, my mom would be like, don't be mean, like that's mean, the truth is the truth is mean. So everyone needs to perpetuate various myths. And I think that's so what happens is I think we hyper develop this is my breakdown. Every culture has their way of doing it, but I think one of the reasons that Irish people are funny is because it's all they'll allow themselves.

The the Irish Catholics are what at least the branch I come from, we're not the type to say, hey, I really didn't appreciate what you did in there. That made me feel this way and it wasn't a good feeling. So we need to talk about that. That's the last thing you would do. Now, thank God I met Liza and we got married because very early on she was like, this thing you're doing. I'm not loving it.

What is it? Is the real problem? And I'd go, um, I was it was fun. Yeah, it's kind of funny. But what is it really? What's really going on here? And I go, you ate the last cupcake and you wanted that cupcake. Is that what you then say I was hoping that I could have that cupcake?

Wow. I kind of was hoping I could have that cupcake. And, um, so anyway, she's my wife, yeah, she gets to, uh, she gets to do that. But that's scary to do even before she's your wife. Just for me and I have this problem where, because I have the same thing where I think that I can't ever say anything critical of someone else because then they'll just come back and me, well, you are this and my biggest fear is you're ugly. I think that my therapist is always like, because I think some boy in fifth grade called

me ugly as if I, cause I had an opinion about something he said to me, well, you're ugly. Shut up. You have buck teeth. And so now I, I never ever criticize anyone cause I think they can always pull that card or like the meanest thing that maybe not it's not ugly anymore, but it's whatever I think about myself that I think maybe other people haven't caught on to. If I find out that they've seen that and they know that, then I'm done. And I'm so scared in a romantic relationship and I'm doing better at it in my own.

But in an early stages of one, confronting something and having them say, I always just think they're going to say, well, that's the way I am. So if you don't like it, then go and either I have to put up with it and then I'm just the one putting up with things or I have to leave and I don't want to do that. So it's, it's easier for me to just say nothing. I can relate to what you're saying on this because my issue is if I'm going to confront someone, I better be right. And my biggest nightmare is saying, you know, if I, you know, said, Hey, Nikki, I just don't

like, you've been on this podcast three times and each time you've been on the podcast, you've done this thing. And I'm already like, yeah, this is hypothetical. Not hypothetical. I almost was going to, you know, churn to gorelly, but it would probably be something real. Yeah, I was. But I like you so much.

I can't even manufacture it. So what I'm saying is, you know, you've come on the podcast three times and each time you did such and such, you might then say to me, Conan, I've been on the podcast once and, and then I'm wrong and I would go into, and, and, and so there's what I think my people do is we, uh, we keep score quietly. So I don't want to confront you because what if you have a really good comeback? Yes. And then I'm in it.

Now, if when you leave the room, gorelly or sona says, did you notice that, uh, I noticed you got really tense at that one point, I will be happy to tell them why I miss, I'm not happy with you. And if they say, well, walk out there and tell Nikki, I'd be like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Here she comes. Here she comes. And so I think, that's how I used to be.

I've gotten a lot better just chipping away through therapy, cognitive therapy, wanting to be different, which is the, Tracing the thoughts. Yeah. Tracing the thoughts. Seeing, I mean, I mean, you could, I'm a big believer in, in cognitive therapy because is it so logical, which is when you're panicking, write down on a sheet, on a legal pad,

what is it you're afraid will happen? And then one of the things you'll write down is, well, I'm afraid that this person will say that I'm ugly. And in that moment, that feels real to you. Walk away, 20 minutes later, come back, look at the list of things that you're really afraid, and you're gonna say, those things are gonna look stupid to you.

You're gonna say, I'm not ugly. I'm demonstratively a very attractive person. So that's just stupid. Once you're removed from the thought for 25, 30 minutes, and then you see it written down on paper, you see how empty it is. I'm afraid Conan won't speak to me. Well, no, he's not like that.

That's not gonna happen. I mean, actually, it could. Now I know. And guess what? You are right on the edge. But no, I'm afraid, I wish. Yeah, Garly keeps trying to get back. Damn it.

I called him a dirty rotten mick. He still has me back. Are you just leaving this list of things out around your house? Are you just going to stumble? Yeah. I'm afraid. I'm on the bridge.

Sometimes I want people to find them, so I write down fake. Yes. And it goes, I'm too good a lover. My penis is too big. And hoping that people will find it and go, oh, you shouldn't be. Yeah, I think that that's a good way

to looking back on it, how ridiculous it is. Because I know this all sounds ridiculous in all of these fears I have, but it is interesting to be so scared of confrontation and so scared to stand up for yourself unless you know you're right. Which is why I really enjoy being vegan because I just know I'm,

it's the only thing I'm sure about, I'm right about. And it's just, and I don't get, I'm not like one of these people that will make you feel bad about eating meat. I'm not like that, but it is the one thing, the only thing, maybe I'm certain of, that I'm right about. I have a thing, I only eat meat that committed a crime.

Like, yeah, there's a place as a service that will get you a cow that trampled someone, a pig that attacked a dog. And so, they're tried, they have a fair trial and they have representation and then they're murdered, or put to death. Oh, I would like that, I don't stand behind that. Yeah, I love eggs.

Those are a little tricky because what did the unborn egg do? But I believe life begins at hatching. Sometimes I think maybe the animal that we are eating ate animals in a past life so we're paying for it. No, my way, because I do love, I love eating, I'm a meat eater, I love meat.

So I just, I am very good at coming and very imaginative at coming up with horrible things that that cow did. Good. That entitle me to this wonderful steak. Yeah. And that works fine for me. All of the cows you eat are Hitler racists.

They're racist, I eat racist animals. And conversely, I look at a salad and go, that salad's done too much good in this world. Yes. I can't take it out. Oh my God. Yeah. I must set it free.

He's always setting his salads free in the wilderness and he doesn't understand that they can't go anywhere. One day. So I was like, go salad, go. One day. Live your own life. Great salad. You know, isn't it funny to me,

it's this very strange thing that happens again and again and again, where I'm taking this, and you're such a good example of it, Nikki, where what are the things you fear? Criticism, you feel someone saying something to you that's going to be hurtful. There is a side of you that just wants to go

and probably be in a room where you don't have to deal with anyone who might be unpleasant or hurtful. And what do you do? You become a standup performer and you are out there all the time. That is this weird duality that fascinates me. Me too. Because I know it all too well and I have proof,

which is I have a letter I wrote to the author E.B. White in 1980 when I was, what, 17, 16? And I wrote on this letter and I said, I'm really interested in writing and trying to creative stuff, but I'm just so afraid of criticism. And then what do I do? I'll replace letterman from security.

I'm sure that, you know, and I knew, so why do we seek out the thing that we most fear and relive it again and again and again? Because I think we're trying to prove the thing we think about ourselves wrong. You know, like we're trying to, we think we're inherently not really that funny or entertaining or deserving of love.

So we are trying to prove that wrong to ourselves by doing the thing that will, if we achieve enough, we'll be convinced of it, which is another paradox because no amount of adoration or acclaim. I mean, I can't speak for you, but I always feel like I'm just tricking everyone. I mean, imposter syndrome, which is a common topic for any performer to struggle with, but why?

And I think there's something about standup for me though, that it's not interactive. If you listen to my standup, I rarely have any kind of lull. I do not like a lull ever. I don't take my time. I'm so scared I'll get heckled. You're not funny. You suck.

Like, I used to like you. I had one guy at a show say, I used to like you. I was a fan. This sucks. Because I mentioned, I like had a Pence reference during, you know, it was right before the 2020 election and it just triggered him. So that was what that was.

But man, that was my biggest fear. I used to like you. Who's that excited about Pence? I know, either way. Either way. I don't know, guy, it's like, you can shit on Trump. You can shit on the Supreme Court. But don't you dare mention Pence.

Mr. Pence. Yeah, it was, because he was. That just sets me off. I hate that. Yeah, it was, and that's what happens. I try never to talk about Trump on stage because I don't want to know who likes him, because I don't want to resent any parts of my audience.

And so I just don't want to know if I don't hear someone laugh at a certain, so I try not to. But there was just some reference about, you know, I was talking about in high school, I didn't kiss a boy until I was like 17. I was a prude. Like I was scared of boys because my mom told me, my mom's sex talk for me was that like,

if you're ever alone with a boy, they'll rape you, essentially, is what she said to me, like, just to scare me. That was her bedtime story. Now, good night. Click. You don't look like you slept much last night, Nikki. What happened? Because dad tried to come in and tell me a story for you, mom.

Yeah, I was terrified of boys. And so I just compared myself to, because it was true, I never was alone with a boy in a room, all through high school, I said, I was like the Mike Pence of my graduating class, like I wouldn't share a room with the opposite sex. And if I did, I would have to go tell mother. And that's all I said, but this guy got up

and in the middle of the show, I used to like, I believed in you. And that was even worse to me than you just. Was it Mike Pence? I know, I was wondering, was he at the show? I loved you. He doesn't stand up for anything. And where's Alf?

Where's Alf? I just like Pence likes your early, really dirty stuff. You're a hunk about Truth and Shine, it was fantastic. But what is this? Why did you bring me into it? It is that, it's that. It's like, that's why I just am, joke, joke, joke, joke. I can't ever have any time where they're just

listening to me without a laugh, because I need constant validation, like, OK, I still have them. I still have them. I watch Chappelle or these comedians that can take their time and really just like, walk you, you know, even watching Norm, especially on your show, just being able to just walk you through and have patience with you becoming bored almost.

Right, right. Boy, I can't do that. The panic. Well, you know, the other thing is, I'm going to jump in like I'm your therapist and say. Please. You're saying you can't do it. You can do it.

Yes. You can do it. And you aren't funny because you move because you're so well defended. That's not what makes you funny. I like that. Well, it's true. Well, don't you think that we are funny

because we are we are defending ourselves? Well, what I'm saying is whatever, I think there are plenty of things that go into the mix and most of it happened early on. As your friend, I promise you, you don't need to change a thing, but you can breathe into it more because you've earned the right. You know, you've been around for a while

and you've really you've paid your dues and you're really funny and people know who you are. And yeah, people come and go. I'm sure I've shed fans that liked me in the 90s. And then there are people that I've had people that really have told me pretty much. I really wasn't into you at all. But now I like the podcast and I'm very cruel to them.

They're wrong. They're wrong. No, no, no. But for whatever reason, for whatever reason, I'm I used to hear something like that. And it was like a poison pill or a thorn under your skin. And then later on, you as you go on, you just I don't know. You just realize I don't have the energy

to hang on to that kind of stuff anymore. It's too exhausting. So I do think you've at this point in your career and in your life, you've earned the right to not be on stage thinking I've got to get through this so no one screams you suck. Yes. And also, I would point out, if you were doing your set and someone screamed out at you,

you suck and everyone heard it, you would be so funny. Yes. It would be the highlight of the show. Because then the rage comes out. But also because they're wrong. And you would have fun. The voice that earlier in my career, someone shouted out, you suck.

It had the ring of, well, they might be right. There's a good chance they're right. And that's the terror. Yes. But when you know they're wrong, or they're not specific, I would say to someone who yelled at me, yes, I do suck, but in what specific ways?

You better have the, because there are specific ways in which I suck, you know? Yeah. I think most of the time you're right. I was kidding. There really aren't. No, there's a lot. Why did everyone go with no specific ways?

Yeah, we all really want specifics. Should we do a list now? No one saw this, but Gorley just produced a Santa Claus list unfolded. And it's rolling down three flights of stairs and out onto Larchmont Boulevard. People are adding to the list on the street right now. There's a huge line.

You have never even met him. People are stifling new pieces of paper to it. The list is now reaching continental, the continent of Asia. It's reached the, it's gone across the Pacific. Well, let's get started. All right, let's go through. I think the CVS received.

Yeah, but anyway. I'm coming up with a list of your faults, Conan. When are you going to be done with that? It keeps on scrolling. But anyway, I appreciate that, and I think you're right. Like there are things I am, I do think I've done it long enough. If you do anything long enough, I just feel like, OK, I'm an expert at this point.

I've got my, I've close to my 10,000 hours, so it's undeniable. But there are, there are things within that, I guess, that losing it, I guess, would be a thing. Oh, God. Which you can, you can do out of laziness, thinking you have it so well that you don't need to try anymore, things that I think I've fallen into sometimes.

That's, that's, I think people that think, I always entertain the possibility that when I go up on stage or I go out in front of people, that it will not go well. I always entertain that possibility as a, as a, this is a real outcome. I'm an RAF pilot. I'm taking off and there's a 60% chance I come home safe

and there's a 40% chance this doesn't go well and I don't return. So that is something that I think about and I entertain that. But maybe just as I'm getting older, I'm thinking a little bit more about, well, if I did lose it, I'll come up with something else. Yes. You know, I'll learn a craft.

Yeah, I have that too. I have other goals. Refrigerator repair, you know. They can take it away and I'll be okay. I really feel that way, especially after living with my parents for 10 months, I was really thinking if I get canceled at any point, like, I canceled myself kind of in my mid 30s

and lived with my parents and kind of disappeared into St. Louis, so it's not that bad. I'm going to start, I'll, it could start a bird rescue. I have, I start playing guitar, I really am into that. Like, there's other things that I'm into, whereas before I was so obsessed with stand-up, it was all I had. What if we start rescuing birds

and then the birds go online and see what it is you said that got you canceled? And it's a bird joke. Yeah, it's a bird joke. Oh, the avian flu isn't that funny. What? I lost a cousin. We're out of here.

It's a joke you did like in 2006 that you almost forgot about and the birds find out. Let me ask you about, because I'm obsessed with, you host, and I think you're also involved in the production, you're an executive of F-Boy Island. And I know that Sona will never speak to me again if I don't bring up F-Boy Island. Oh God, I love F-Boy Island.

And we know that short for, we know it's short for, is it Fine Boy Island? It's Fuckboy Island. What? Yeah, that was Fine Boy? Well, that's what my mother told me, she's a big fan. They're really fine boys. Some of them are.

I say it short for Fragile Boy. Oh, very nice. Because that's what the, where it comes from. Nice. So, fearful. Now, how involved are you in choosing, because it's, how many women? So it's three women who are looking for relationships,

looking for love, and then they're, well, we lost a couple this year. They're supposed to be 15 and 15. We lost. To a terrible disease. We lost. We lost them to fire. It is really hard to contain F-Boy.

I gotta tell you, when they're in Cabo, and the PAs that we're hiring to make sure that they don't get out, and get out into the community, I mean, they got out. And so we didn't get out. It sounds like a lion preserve. How many, let's be clear about this, but how many boys is it?

It's 15, it was 15 and 15. So it's 30 boys, 15 are nice guys that, that means that, you know, they say they're nice guys. There's no way to really check, but we... They've cast themselves as nice boys, kind of. Yeah, and they, you know, we do check and make sure that they're like, they're momma's boys, they've been in good relationships,

their ex-girlfriends don't have bad things to say about them. They're looking for a relationship. And then there are guys that are there for the followers, the clout, the money prize at the end. If you get to the end and convince this girl that despite being an F-Boy, you are actually ready for a commitment, you have a chance at a cash prize, and then, or, you know.

How many escaped? There were like two or three that we did. That they really did escape. It'd be great if you were driving and you just saw one run across the highway naked. No, really? We'll let you tell the story. I would really like, I would be driving around Cabo

and I would just go, is that Garrett? What is Garrett doing? I go, Garrett, get back to Matheria! He looks hungry. So Garrett, or any of these, so there's at least 15 boys. There were 15, but then, but now on the show, it's third, we had to try to do, you know, change the voiceover to, they're 13 F-Boys,

and 13 nice guys, but there were two more of each. So they've just, you lost them. Either being boring, and they got cut, or they literally went out and partied and got hookers or something, you know, like these guys really partied. I mean, they're used to having multiple women a night. You don't have love, you just basically said,

you call them in on the carpet and go, excuse me, when we hired you, fuck the boy. We didn't intend for you to be out, fuck him. Now you signed here a document that says, I promise to be a good fuck boy, and you're out of fucking, and of fucking. You don't really have a legal leg, you don't have a legal leg to,

when we brought you to Cabo to fuck, we didn't think you'd go into Cabo and fuck. If anything, they have a legal case against you, and put them up at like, you know, a holiday in Express next to Sammy Hager's Cabo, it was calling to them. I mean, they was, we tried to like, put them a little bit more off campus,

but they kept breaking. Off campus. And getting out. Stay in the library. Finish your thesis. That's a huge part of these shows is keeping these reality stars clean. Wow.

So you know what I love? You know what I love, it's so funny to me that you've got basically 15 testosterone, I'm sure, good looking, hot F-boys. Yeah. Who are just, I mean, and then they get loose. They get loose. Now, what if they blend with the population

and they have to introduce another type of fuck girl to try to take down the fuck boy, how they do snakes in the Amazon and things like that, you know what I mean? Wow. Like the natural ecosystem there is way too much thought into that. I'm telling you, this is why I'm not a fuck boy.

There's another reason. What, is it one that I don't know of? Well, you smoke a pipe, a corn cob pipe. I don't. Affectations like that. So I'm curious. Yeah. Just fascinating, what, because you know,

do you think there really are people that are looking for a real relationship? No. Exactly, right? Well, here's the thing. This is what I do believe about these shows and I begged for this hosting job. Like I wanted it so bad because I've always,

badly, I've always watched these shows, enjoyed them more than any other show and I really fall for it. Like I drew, I do believe these people fall in love and there was always a part of me that goes, are they really, but they, they really are. Like these shows, when you're put into a bubble where you have no, you have no cell phone,

you have no family or friends to talk to, all you're doing is going on dates and all you're doing is talking to the other guys or the other girls that you're with about the guys and the girls that you're interacting with and every interview you do with a producer is like, so Ryan really likes you. How are you feeling about him?

Like I saw you light up when you talked, like you, you quickly fall in love and it is not fake. Like it's, it really is a pressure cooker for deep love. I mean, I see these people fall really, really hard and it's real and I feel it and I get chills during elimination ceremonies. I tear up and I, I know it's called F-Boy Island. I know how stupid this is.

I saw the casting tapes, like, but it really, these people leave the island devastated or in love. It's like, it really does happen. It's like, it's experiment in a way. Yeah, it's like a zoo. It's like, when people say that reality shows are fake, it bothers me because the scenarios are fake, but the emotions, these people are not that good of actors.

It would be impossible. The emotions are real. We're just, no one watches two pandas mate and is like, that's so fake. You know, and it's like, no, well, we put them there and they're gonna mate eventually. Well, when the female panda has an orgasm, I'm like, no. Yeah.

Well, that's not how we do it. You can tell when a female panda is really having an orgasm. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um. Um. So, would you, and I know that you're a producer on this and a host and so you have clout,

would you consider at all letting me be one of the F-Boy, hold on, let me say it, letting it's F-Boys and Conan. So everyone would know it's me. I'm not playing anyone else, but it's me as me. I talk to my wife who will happily give me a hall pass. She wants me out of the house. Yes. And I'm there, but I'm myself.

Yes. I'm totally myself. You would kill, I mean, you, they would love you. No, they wouldn't. Honestly, Conan, they would, yes they would. I have no, when I take my shirt off, there's no six pack, there's nothing like that. It would be a jarring juxtaposition to the men

that we, I'm not gonna deny it, but you're so tall. That is so nice. And you're so famous, you have a great head of hair, you have a nice body of, you would do fine. And first of all, you're famous. These guys, we have, so on season two, we have one person, or a couple people that you recognize from season one.

And these girls, when they see a guy from season one, I mean, it is like, Brad Pitt, you have such an advantage for being a little bit known. So you kill. But I would do a lot of what I would, I would just say, and I'm Conan O'Brien. And I wouldn't even, after that, I would just totally name drop.

I wouldn't, I would try and just ride the fact that they knew who I was, if they knew who I was. Like, can you fuck? Yeah. Like, can you really? Well, that's an issue. You don't have to do that. That's gonna be a problem.

That's gonna be a problem. Yeah. And not just because I'm married and I love my wife. Right. There's another issue. Okay. It's a surgical problem. Oh.

But there's a doctor in Prague who says he can fix it. I bet there's one in Cabo too. You can get one in Cabo. It's in Cabo, he isn't really a licensed doctor. I've seen the work, it's fantastic. He would be so fun on the show. Oh my God, we need you. It does crack me up, the idea of going down

the long line of guys and then me. Yeah. And I have no shirt on and I'm my age with my coloring. And I'm just playing it totally like myself. The funny guys kill on the show. Are you shirtless or do you have like your long UV protection shirt on? Your bucket hat.

I think I would have. The stuff I wear at the beach that I've always said makes me look like Rose Kennedy on Hayansport. And I'd have the zinc oxide on the nose. Yeah, yeah. And the giant crazy sunglasses that block out side light. So I've got that and then some kind of weird orthopedic shoe that's also been built for the sand.

For art support. Okay. But I'm there, but then the whole time, and I'm constantly talking about the things that interest me, like, you know. What are you like on a date? Yeah, I'd be talking about like these weird historical facts. And I'd be talking about things that I find interesting

like the Robert Carroll books on Lyndon Johnson, and then every now and then I just turn to camera and say, but I'm down to fuck. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. Not really, we discourage that. You had a great tweet that right when F. Way Island came out about, oh god, it was some, what's another, what's your go-to land mass? Archipelago. It was Archipelago. Something, it was a good, it was great. Oh good, fun point Archipelago. Your Twitter is so damn fun. You don't have someone writing those for you, do you?

God knows. I know you would never do that, but they're so good. Who would do that? Who would have other people come up with ideas too? It's so good, it's so good. Let's just say there's some collaboration. I want you on the next season. I want you at an elimination ceremony. I want to call you down, Conan. So you had a date with Mia this weekend. Yes.

Mia seems, did you have fun Mia? She did. She had a great time with you zip lining. How did it go for you Conan? How are you feeling about Mia right now? I tore my rotator cuff. My body weight, when I had to hang from the zip line. See this is what turns me on. I couldn't, it totally, I could hear it tear because I can't support my own body weight. But thank god Mia, she managed to get me to the infirmary right away. You guys seem to have a connection. My fireman carried him.

Thank you Mia. You're welcome. When you fireman carried me to the emergency station. Samaras has reasons to doubt you though, that your intentions with Mia might not be completely true. Are you here as an F-boy? Yes, I'm not sure I understand. No, you say no. You gotta say no all the time.

You're trying to convince, but I want them to know that I can F if called to F. That's like a true F-boy. You can't even say what that word is. This is it, let me make it quite plain that though not an F-boy in intent, if called to F, oh I shall F repeatedly and with great vigor. I will F to the right, F to the left. Conan, where are you wearing a monocle? I have sight difficulties with my right. Stop pointing that cane at me. Conan, why are you wearing a 1920s straw-boater hat?

Now I want to ask you about, because you have this new stand-up special. Yes. Nikki Glaser, Good Clean Filth, and that's coming out, I think it's July 16th. Yes, Saturday July 16th, and it'll be available on HBO Max along with F-boy Island. I find you absolutely hilarious, so I'm looking forward to seeing this show. Was this material, how long did it take for you to come up with this material? I don't kind of write like other comedians do, I just kind of do whatever I'm doing at that time when the special shoots. I'm always pulling from like, and I'm not trying to sound braggy here, like three or four hours of jokes that I haven't done anywhere.

That's great. In just a thought bubble above my head, and I kind of just grab at it, and I don't have anything written down ever. If I have a traumatic brain injury, it's all gone. It's gone. I don't write anything down long form, and so specials are really hard for me because I have to kind of think, okay, what am I going to open with? Because I like to just go treat it like a grab bag when I'm up there. Like what you were saying before, there's something about thinking, I might bomb. Like this might not go well, I don't have this completely planned out that I kind of like, I like being scared up there.

I like the edge of it. I think that's what drew me to stand up was like, am I going to be good at this? And then as soon as I got proficient at it, it got kind of boring, and now I like to give myself little challenges. And that is going up completely unprepared or going to towns. And 15 minutes before, I decided to like roast the town. So I'll just like Google interesting facts, and then I'll write a bunch of jokes. And I think it's a little bit of a safety nut for myself. Whereas if I don't do well, I can be like, well, I didn't prepare or I just looked it up.

Like there's that excuse preparing before I go on stage. It's not why I like stand up. I don't like looking back on it. The special was supposed to come out in March, but I couldn't look at my, I couldn't look back at it. Why so? Because I just saw so many mistakes and so many things I could have done better and stuff that I go, why didn't you say it this way? You say it that way every time and you had two chances to do that night. Like you tape two shows or why, why didn't you make this face that you usually make? Oh, why didn't you just think two minutes harder on that one joke to make it an A instead of a B minus?

They're just things like that. It just perfectionist stuff. And so that's why I love stand up live is because I never have to look back at it. And this one was really hard for me to edit. But then when I put it all together, I was, I'm actually, I'm really proud of it. And I hope it's something that I hope is a weird goal to have. I hope young teenage girls and boys sneak it. They shouldn't watch it. It is not for you. And I can't actually say that you should watch it, but I hope that it's something younger kids sneak because it is,

it's something I feel like there is a void of actual information about sex and what it's actually like and out there. I'm curious. I mean, can I get a convinced copy? I think you're not. But no, I think first of all, I think one of the things I like so much about you is that you are very, very honest about the struggles that you've had. And we've talked about it before on the podcast and anyone is listening now and hasn't heard my earlier podcast with Nikki. It's just, you know, we talked a lot about your childhood and things that you struggled with. You're so honest about it.

And I think that's crucial, especially for young women to find out that the things that they're worried about are thinking you're very successful. And I think a lot of people look up to you. So when they understand that you went through a lot of those things that I think young women struggle with and still go through them. And that's the other thing too, as I remember years ago, someone asked me, when do you finally get over being nervous? And I said, I've got bad news for you. It doesn't really go away. I mean, honestly, it's so important to tell people that. You showed me that too because I project a lot of perfection onto you.

I always will. I've said it before, you're the funniest person that I've ever known of and ever will know of your number one. And anyone who knows what they're talking about. I actually was talking about this last night with my boyfriend because I was talking about how nervous I was to come on here. Just like having a lot of self doubt yesterday, just in a depressive mood lately. And you just start going, am I in a pot? All those things. Right.

And I was talking to him and he goes, he said, you know what, will you just trust me that I say I think you're one of the funniest people ever. And I think you trust my opinion of who is funny. And I said, yeah, you're right. And you know what? I know more than anything that I know that he knows who's funny. So I am going to trust him. And I also know I might doubt my own funniness, but I do not doubt my own sensibilities when I can say what is funny and what is not funny. I am as right as a vegan on that one.

I know what is what. And you are the funniest. And so for me to see you, I think the first time I saw that kind of side of yourself that you've shown a lot more was in your documentary. Where it was like, oh, this person who I think has it all together couldn't be any funnier is doubting himself and is overworked in all of these things and is an actual human being. You would think that that would maybe make it worse for me because when I see it's almost like seeing when models say like, oh, I'm I'm I feel ugly some days. And you go shut up your model or like you feel fat like shut up, bitch. But there's I kind of like it because I it makes me realize that obviously they're not seeing things correctly. So maybe I'm not seeing things correctly.

We all have we all have there's a famous medical term body dysmorphia. Yes. And I've talked about this, I think several times and maybe even with you. But I think there is a documentary that I saw once and there's a young woman who's struggling with a disorder and she's so thin and they ask her. She stands in front of a mirror and they give her a magic marker and they say trace the outline of your body. And she traces way outside her body. She's not faking it. That's really what she sees.

So this is I mean, it's it's horrifying. It's such such a powerful insidious illness. But that's what this person sees. And I've thought when I saw that I thought, you know, there's also career dysmorphia. It's something that I really believe in, which is and I see it all the time people that think they haven't accomplished anything. They're not any good. It's the wrong side of the perfectionist gene. Perfectionism is really good at taking you up the mountain, but then it takes you down.

Yes, the other side and you need to find a way to part with perfectionism. You need to find a way to let it go at a certain point because that way lies madness. You start second guessing everything to the point that your work isn't good. It starts to lose its joy. It starts to lose its spontaneity. And it's a illusory goal. There is no perfection. There is no thing.

So you'll never reach it. I had a great person tell me once I was they asked me what it is. And this is early in late night and then they said, well, what is it you're trying to accomplish? And I said, I just want to be perfect at this and the person said to me, the only perfection is death. Like once you're dead, you're done and you're complete and it's perfect. And so I murdered her. Now you're perfect. I killed her and I said, you're welcome and you owe me $800 because you're perfect.

And I was tried, but I got off because they read what she said and asking for it. Yeah, she was pretty much saying kill me. But I think that is, I think that is true. I think it's very important to me, especially, I mean, I have kids, but I have a 18 year old daughter. And I just, I really like her understanding that everybody's trying to figure it out. And it never stops. And I, you know, women, I think have it, it's so, it's so hard these days online, the way everyone's presented. The filters that are now, you don't even have to choose a filter.

When you go to your Instagram story, it's a filter already on your face. It's already, it's already figuring things out. It's already making you see yourself in a different way. And wait, I don't look like that. You just come out as Burt Reynolds, 1977. I would just hate that. Are you kidding? Oh yeah.

No, it's Smokey and the Bandit Burt Reynolds. That's pink. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's great. When I take, my Instagram filter won't let me send a photo. It just says no. How dare you. Yeah, it says maybe just write a note.

You're all about, aren't you about photos? Write a note. Can I text? Handwritten. It's very embarrassing. It's blood. So are you going to be able to, this special will come out. Can you sit?

I don't want to pray. I don't want to pray. I watched it with my parents the other day. Oh, you watched this with your parents? This is a good promotional tool. I'll put my, because my parents are hilarious. People know them. I did a reality show for E this past spring called Welcome Home,

Nikki Glaser. First season is out on E. I'm trying to wait for a second season. I made the show with my parents. They're hilarious. They are stars. And it was so nice to like see them in that light. They are so much funnier than I am.

And I was for the first time totally okay with that. Just being like the straight person with this chaos around me. So I sat down and watched it with them. And it was really sweet because it's really uncomfortable material. I told my mom beforehand, you know, what do you fear? What's your biggest fear? And this is interesting.

I don't think I've ever shared this before. I wonder if you relate, if any of you relate, my mom is so proud of me. Her pride comes from people love you. I just can't believe it. They love you. What I just like going to your shows and looking at people just love you. I just can't get over it.

She's shocked people like me. And she doesn't realize she's saying I can't believe it. Right. And then people like you. I mean, I can't believe it was, to her separate statements, but to me they are in a bouquet of dead flowers that she's giving me. But it's like, she can't believe she's just,

she is so insecure about what people think of her that she, she was her biggest fear was that I was going to say something because I was trying to get out the root of it. I ended up like trying to make this promotional video that was just fun. And I was like, but what is the fear? What am I going to say? What's the worst thing I can say? And she's like, I just eating ass,

something about, before. It isn't about eating, it's not about eating ass. It's about, it's about actually how that's, it seems like I'm doing a joke just for the shock value, which is what I hate how female comics get dismissed for all they talk about as sex. And of course it's shocking, and of course by itself it would get a laugh. But it's, I would never just talk about that for the sake of it. It's about overcoming a fear, really, because everyone should be terrified to do anything like that. But my mom goes, just, you'll say something about eating ass. And I go, well, I do. What's the fear then? She's like, I don't know. And I go,

is it that people will think they will watch and go, her mother must not have done a good job if she's doing that. And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, but I'm famous. And people pay to see me and I'm making money doing this. And I'm freeing people from feeling stigmatized about things they've done sexually. And she just can't, she can't, she can't believe people like me. It's really adorable. And I've, I've stopped feeling offended by it and just embraced it and said, that's sweet. And I know that she's projecting more than she's really thinks I'm unlovable. Well, no, I think what she's, I mean, it's so clear that she, like a lot of parents has a terror that if you're talking about these things, then this is somehow an extension of, you know,

that she had an ass eating class for you when you were 11 years old. Which by the way, I'll, I encourage a lot of parents, hello, is this thing on? No, but she's afraid of what they're going to think. Everyone's thinking about, everyone's thinking about themselves. And so your mom is talking about herself. She's saying, you're saying these things. And I'm worried about how that reflects on me. And, you know, there was even a part in my reality show where I said, you know, I wish I could be a porn star. I mean, that's something like I wish I could do porn. I wish I had the freedom to do that without the judgment of it and the stigma being, you know, kicked out of the business. I don't want to do it because I want to titillate her. It's just,

it's a freedom of expression almost. And I was just saying it just to be funny. We were having a conversation and she called me later and said, you need to take that out. Even the idea that people think that you would want to do that. I can't have that out there. It's so embarrassing for me. And it made me, it makes me sad. I feel like those are the types of things that I think that's why I talk the way I do on stage about sex. And I'm so open about stuff is because it wasn't talked about in my home. It was very shame to even mention sex or anything. I remember one time it dawned on me that my dad maybe had had sex before my mom or been with women before my mom. I don't know. I was like 11. And I think I was trying to maybe entertain my cousin. It was next

to me in the car. We were driving to Michigan. It was just the car. We had just started the ride. And I was like, dad, did you ever have sex before mom? And he never responded. It was just silent the rest of the way. He might have been counting, but he was silent for a 70 hour drive. 77, 78, 79, 80. But it was just so, you just couldn't talk about sex. And so now I think it's obviously I'm rebelling against that. And because I want, I think I was scared of sex. I had a lot of shame around it because of what I didn't know. I either knew from what I learned in school, which is just nothing that's real. I wanted to just know, like, who makes the first move? How do you do that?

How do you, what do you do when you kiss? Why do you move your mouth? I would just study, can't hardly wait over and over that scene in the train station with Ethan Embry and Jennifer, if you would, I know that you lift your eyebrow after the first you go kiss, and then you lift your eyebrow. That's all I knew to do. I just wanted to know I was the last one to do anything. I wanted, I had trouble doing that. So I tied threads to my eyebrows. Yeah. And when I had my first kiss, my girlfriend at the time saw me lifting the little threads to make my eyes go up. And that ruined it. She was like, what the fuck? You go free. It's weird. That is weird. That was a strange thing to do. So then I hired someone else to hold

Mark. Oh, that's better. And I made sure I only kissed under an overpass. There was a little bridge. And I had to, I got a really good puppeteer and he was right there. And at the key moment, he ripped, but he tore them up. Such a fuck-boy. That's where they were. Yeah. Classic a fuck-boy. Classic a fuck-boy. And F-Boy Island, I'm going to show up and the first thing no one's going to know is that I'm going to have two long strings attached to my eyebrows. We'll always get you on the beach right under our lifeguard stand. It'll be going really well with, you know, one of the girls, Tammy, and I'll say, we've got to get to a small bridge. What? No, I'm really feeling something. To the

bridge. You can hold up that one for your penis for those issues. Exactly. Trust me. Trust me. That's another thing I'm ready to get down right now. Is that a second puppet operator? No, no, it's a union thing. Do eyebrows and there are people that do the penis. I see. And then you cannot get one guy to do both because you're in trouble with the union. There's a picket line and it's not a pleasant picket line. I like that. I first go like, eyebrows, initiate. Then they go and then I'm like, penis up. And the guy's there. He's got a little winch. This is honestly, this happened to me on, I had a show called Not Safe with Nikki Glaser on Comedy Central. It was about sex and dating. There was a segment we did where we were trying to

give men like a makeovers for their dick pics. And it was all just a bit like we were just trying, we put, we built these, we had our art department build these dioramas where they would have little holes in them and then the penis would go through and it would be like a penis in a bathtub with cucumbers on its eyes with a little like shower cap on, like enjoying something. You're giving it a nice motif. Yes, or in Paris and it would be writing a bicycle with a baguette in the back. Maybe the penis is the baguette. That's what I thought it should be. And they go, we can't, that was my idea. Thank you so much. No, a lot of penises, I've been to the gym many times and I see a lot of baguettes out there. Every now and then you see a cinnamon roll. You're looking and

you're just, you're down. Yeah, and I'm thinking about bread. So what do you think when you have an actual baguette? Oh, I'm like, I gotta get this in my mouth. I gotta get this in and then out and then in and then out. Just eat the baguette. What's your fucking problem, sir? You've got to leave this pen put you in immediately. It's the seventh time this week you've been in here fileting a baguette. Forgot where I was. We lost a lot of customers, but then we've discovered we now have a lot of new customers. The dioramas we built, okay? The art department, it's the night before the shoot and we've found people on Craigslist to do this, to offer up their penises, which will be blurred out, but we found these like, you know, X porn stars, just dudes on Craigslist

who are down to be on camera, putting their penises in these things. The night before we're like, kind of running how it's going to work and we realize the diorama, if we, if someone's trying to put their penis in it, they can't get their penis to like, they can put it through the hole, but after positioning it or putting the little cucumbers on it, they can't reach around because the diorama is so big. So someone has to do it and there was no one to do it and I'm the host of the show. So I go, oh my God, Nikki, I said, I'll do it and oh, guess I'll do it. It was really traumatizing to be honest with you. If you can see me in the scene, it's still online, but I just convinced myself I was a doctor and I had to take this old man's penis and put it in a bathtub,

put cucumbers on it, like played with a flaccid penis for a scene. And the whole time I'm like, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor. And these guys are just, and they're trying to keep themselves hard throughout the day around set as we're like, breaking a lunch. If it comes erect, don't the googly eyes shoot off. It is hard to keep them at ease. The little hats fall off. Yeah, that's the problem. You get it all set up. Trust me, I've done this. I've done this. You get everything just right, the little beret and the little bicycle, and then you get excited and you've got eyes and berets flying around the room. And if you stand up in a bathtub like that, you could slip and fall.

Oh yeah, we had a bathtub. You took it to an erotic place. Hey, man. Make sure you have grab bars. One man's safety measures, another man's turn on. Let me have it. We ran out of time, I think, half an hour ago. This is going to be an extra long one. I'm sorry. You're sorry. That's a good problem. You're a busy man. Sona's got a book to promote. Oh, no. No, this is way better. I can't wait for your book, by the way. Nikki, this is a dream come true. This is really funny and great. But also, I'll say it again. It's always very funny when we talk, but I do applaud you for being so open, I think, about things that you have encountered in your journey. And I think that would be a

real bomb for young people out there. Yeah. Because they do look up to you. They do think you're really funny. And this is good for people to understand where this all comes from. I just hope whoever you're with now, I'm not prying or anything, but I root for you to be with a really good person. He is. This is Garrett from Fuckboy Island. Garrett, yeah! That's what I said. Has it been a while now? With my current boyfriend. Yeah, we were together. We met nine years ago. We started that show Not Safe Together. I met him on a show. He was a behind the scenes kind of guy, producer on it. And then he ended up being from St. Louis. I met him in New York. We were both from the same town, grew up a mile and a half from each other. That's great. And then when we,

I moved back for the pandemic, we had been broken up by then for five years, but he moved back to when we just started hanging out with his friends. And then when my reality show started taping, it was kind of pitched as like, this is going to be you on the scene dating in St. Louis. And he did not want to be on camera. He's not that kind of guy. He's on a radio station in St. Louis on like a hit radio station. Like one of the hosts of it, his name is Chris Convy. It's called The Courtney Show. But we were just casually hanging out, you know, like X's do where you're just like, what else is there to do? And he was like, I don't really want you dating other people. I'll be on this show. So he took a leap and was on a reality show and went to therapy with me on

the show. That's really nice. It was really vulnerable. And it was, he's, he's lovely. A huge fan of yours. In fact, I talked about this on Inside Conan. I know we have to go, but I just have to say on Inside Conan, he were such fans of yours. And we watch you all the time. And for a while, we were on a really big Brian Stack kick of his already Kendall, the singing, the crooning ghost crooning ghost. Yeah. And for his 40th birthday last year in September, I contacted Brian Stack because we had become friendly on Twitter. And I said, if I write you a sketch to do as this character, I'll pay you what he did it for free. He revived the character of Artie. And I got to write a call. I got to write a late night. That's kind of no Brian sketch, which is a dream of mine.

Shout out to Brian Stack, who's one of the funniest people ever. Ever. And Kindest. Yes. Very nice. And works for Stephen Colbert now. And his wife is also amazing, Miriam. Really? Yeah. Miriam is a terrific performer. So I just want to give them a shout out and props. Well, I do, you know, you just have to come back more often because it's so much fun talking to you. And I love you. Should we look at an honorary chill chum? I wouldn't. You don't have to, but you don't know what it means. He said chill up front. Because of that. I think so. I think you're a fuck chum. Wow. I'll take it. Wow. What do you think about s'mores? I love them. Okay. Okay, this is over. You're out. Now we have to expand the Supreme Court and get a fifth chum. Thank

you for being here, Nikki. Thank you, Conan. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Bekton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco

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