Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Nikki Glaser Returns Again

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Comedian Nikki Glaser feels ecstatic, honored, and quite tan about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nikki sits down with Conan to chat about her process for tackling Tom Brady’s roast, discovering comedy as the only viable career option, and going dark while keeping compassion. Later, Conan delivers an alarming update on the status of his blood pressure. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Nikki Glaser. I feel ecstatic, honored, and quite tan about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, bend the shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, sitting here with Sona Movesesian. Why did you say it so, ehh.

I'm just happy to see you. You're wearing, you know what you're wearing? Very bright, is that a teal? I don't know my colors. I don't know, but it matches this tape. There's a piece of tape that tells you where to sit. Yes. Look at this. Your camera is on the right spot.

Yeah, that's great. I know, I don't know where to put it back. Oh my God, you're adrift. Great, and then, how are you, Matt? I'm good. Yeah, you're all right? Good, yeah. Okay, feeling pretty good myself.

Hey, you're wearing a, is that a James Bond shirt? Oh, for fuck's sake. I don't understand what your shirt says. It says directed by John Glenn. Yeah, it's just. John Glenn the astronaut? Oh, that's two ends. No, John Glenn the director.

But what did he direct? Well, he directed all the Roger Moore movies, for the most Glenn, the astronaut? Oh, that's two ends. No, John Glenn, the director. But which one, what did he direct? Well, he directed all the Roger Moore movies, for the most part, the later ones. Oh yeah, those are always considered the best ones. Hey, can we watch James Bond? Sure. Please, please say it's Roger Moore. He gets so old.

Oh, I get it. I got a soft spot for that guy. I'm telling you, the last Roger Moore James Bond movie. Yeah, he's 57. He's 57? Oh my God, because there are fight scenes where it looks like he's being careful not to hurt his hip. Yeah.

And then the love interest or the young woman, he puts her in bed and puts a blanket over her. And then he falls asleep in a chair and watches her sleep to make sure she's okay. Why don't you make her some hot soup? Well, he does. This isn't the James Bond I signed up for. He goes and makes a quiche.

He does? Yeah, because remember that joke from the 80s that real men- Don't eat quiche. Yeah, don't eat quiche. They were playing on that, but he does. He literally goes and makes her a quiche. Yeah, yeah.

Man, okay, well. I'm not defending it. Just saying, it was good that they had a reboot. I'm not defending it. Just saying, it was good that they had a reboot. I'm not defending it, I'm promoting it. Who's the Bond that's after, because Roger Moore, you know, he's great, but he was around for a long time. He got a little long in the tooth. He did the most.

And then he did the most James Bond movies. If you don't count Connery's unofficial turn in Never Say Never again. Okay, yeah, all right. Well, see, this is good because I was being told recently how popular this podcast was and how it appeals to so many people. And I thought, let's go a little niche

and just shed some fans. And that's what we're doing right now. We're talking about Roger Moore. Yeah. But I think you were gonna say who came after him. Yeah. Timothy Dalton. Timothy Dalton. Good, good.

I'm glad. He's pretty good. Yeah, no, I'm glad we talked about him. He only did two, underused, underrated. Timothy Dalton. Timothy Dalton. Oh, good, good. I'm glad. He's pretty good. Yeah, no, I'm glad we talked about him. He only did two, underused, underrated. He never got his real Bond movie. Because he never, he wasn't, he was very fierce as Bond. He was like, he was kind of proto Daniel Craig,

you know, before his time. Daniel Craig. Yeah, there you go. That's one I know. Yeah. Good. And I know Pierce Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan had, Pierce Brosnan was,

I mean, it looked like he was born to play James Bond. But then Daniel Craig came along and you're like, what, this guy's it. He's amazing. He's amazing. Well, I don't think we've ever had an unusual opening. Well, we haven't even talked about Connery or Lazenby yet. No, no, no, no.

Oh yeah, let's go, let's do it. I can't. This is just nothing. You know what, and I'm gonna say, I think usually when we just wing it, we get some terrific openings. I think this is a turd, I really do. I agree, but you brought it up, I didn't bring it up. Who should be the new Bond?

Oh yeah, let's talk about that. I have this, I mean, since you're asking, and since we're looking to lose listeners, I think they shouldn't do an actor in a string of films. They should do various period set movies, Idris Elba in the 90s, Michael Fassbender in the 50s. You know what I mean? Who's in with me?

Oh, well, guess what? I'm going to say I don't think that's a dumb idea. That's not, that's a confusing way to say it. I'm going to say this. I don't not support you. I don't not not support you. It's the most I'm gonna say this. I don't not support you. I don't not not support you. It's the most you've ever complimented. I don't.

That's like a quadruple negative. Of dumb ideas that not among them. Are you hedging or are you stroking? Stupid idea that not sure it be says I. That's your new bond right there. I don't know, I think, you know, listen, we have bigger worries in this country right now than who will be the next bond.

And besides, it's not our choice. Isn't it up to Great Britain? Don't they get to decide? Yeah, I think they vote in the national election. Unbelievable that they get to decide. What do you mean? It's their guy. He's their guy. Yeah. It's do you mean? It's their guy.

It's his their guy. It's not our guy, he's their guy. I think we should figure out who buys the most movie tickets. I bet it's America. I bet we buy most of the Bond movie tickets, USA, USA. We should decide who the next Bond is. Instead of, another crumpet please. And I think I'll decide now who Bond shall be. We had an empire about 600 years ago.

Cough, cough. A little snuff right now. Achooey, achooey, achooey, achooey. His name will be Nigel Bottlebottom. He's an actor I just saw. Fantastic, he was in Lear. He played the guy who brings Lear some flan. Who do you think should be Bond?

Uh, I would like a shot at it. What? Okay. Listen to me. There's... Everyone thinks Bond has to be, like, handsome and stuff, and my point is, maybe not so much. Right? And that he has to be, like...

No, I disagree completely. Okay, let's say, drop that part. A lot of people think he should, you know, needs to have like some, I don't know, loaded with sexuality, sexual energy, and I say, eh! No.

Eh, maybe not! Maybe Conan comes along and it's sort of more gender fluid. Oh, you could be a... Which is of this time. You could be a great villain. I think you'd make a great villain. We've talked about this. He was Whirligig.

Do you remember we went with this thing? Oh, Whirligig. Yeah, but we could do better. You know what? I could be a great villain because in the modern world, it makes sense that it's someone in the media. It's like a comedian, but he also- He's like nuclearized passive aggressiveness somehow.

Yeah, but no, but everyone thinks, oh, he's kind of whatever. He's kind of funny, and I'm out there with my quips, and I'm, you know, I'm out there. My clips are out there on YouTube, and things are occasionally trending here and there. And no one would suspect that guy. But meanwhile, they've hollowed out a volcano,

and I'm in there, and... Imprisoned. No. I'm in there, and I'm working with Jordan Schlansky and, you know, I'm taking over the world. Okay. I'd watch it. I don't feel you'd be, okay. You don't think I'd be good?

For Bond, I want someone British and very delicious. Yeah. Those are my only two criteria. Okay, what about, oh, if I did it, there'd be the scene where, you scene where the woman and I lock eyes and things are getting intense and we're finally alone. Then we go off into the bedroom and the door shuts and then you just hear my voice going,

uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh, God. Oh, God. Uh, uh, hold on a second. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh, hold on, I just need a little more time. What are you doing? You're trying to do it?

Hold on, yeah, he ruin it and destroy it. You could do it. I'm done. If that's what you're trying to do. Yeah, you turn Gourley off. The title of the movie would be a view to a, ugh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. A quantum of, uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Oh, God. No time to... Mm. Eh. Eh. Uh... Oh, my God!

Ew! License to... Meeh! License to... Uh... Uh... Is that gonna... Oh, what's the new tag?

Oh! All right, I just ruined Bond. You're welcome. You're welcome, everybody. Apologies, Britton, for that crazy, stupid stereotype. Awful. Awful person, Connor O'Brien. Yes. My guest today. Oh, you know. Hey, what's the opposite of awful? I'll tell you who.

What? My guest today is a hilarious comedian whose latest comedy special, Someday You'll Die, is available to stream on Max and was just nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Variety Special. Good for her. She deserves it. She's also currently on her Alive and Unwell Comedy Tour.

Tickets are available at nickyglazer.com. I'm really thrilled she's with us today. I love her. Nikki Glaser, welcome. Have you ever done the fake tan? It would look insane. No, it wouldn't. No, it would look, I mean, I'd probably get in trouble for like, oh, he's doing black

face or something. Yeah, it does. I'm- Because the divergence of your skin color to tan is as much as a normal person going white to black. Yeah, Al Jolson to black face. That's the same as me having a tan. No one buys me as tanned. And the truth is, Sona, I always use Sona's backup,

but she's been with me all over the world. I was in Rome recently. I was outdoors for maybe 15 minutes without sunscreen. Then we went into this Vatican thing to meet the Pope and all the other comedians are meeting the Pope. And then the comment on mine is, Conan O'Brien needs some sunblock. Look at that.

Look at how burned he is. And I thought, I was outside for 10 minutes. Oh, God. And I just look. Sorry, it's so funny. No, but I just look like I've been day drinking when I'm in the sun. I don't get a cool tan.

Did you wear sunblock as a kid? They didn't have it. Like they didn't have it. They didn't have it. So were you always burnt as a child? It was the 1920s, yeah. And my mother, all my mother knew to do was send us to the beach,

and it wasn't my mother's fault, but they didn't have sunblock. She would put white t-shirts on us and tell us you can go in the ocean and run around, but you're protected by a white t-shirt. A white t-shirt, man. It does nothing? Not a high thread count.

Especially when you're buying bargain t-shirts, which we were buying in bulk for such a big family. So no, I would be up all night shivering on the cot that I slept in at my grandfather's house because, so my dermatologist has said, you will die of skin cancer, it's just when. No, no, you actually have great skin for someone who has burned a lot.

I protected this thing, a little moneymaker. Yes, did you know? Yeah, oh, I think we all know, Nikki. Did you, like, when you would, cause I would protect my face even when my friends, I mean, we all tanned in high school. In the 90s, I don't think wearing sunblock was that popular or like SPF.

They're obsessed with it now. Spreading oil on your skin. Yeah, we were still doing that. Yeah, like baby oil. Cooking oil. I remember people were putting baby oil on their skin to get a tan. Yeah, and we would sneak to tanning beds

because it was like a bad thing. Our parents knew, but I would have to like sneak away and go to tanning beds like I was sneaking into a boy's house or something like, and to smoking cigarettes. It was the same kind of level of that, that's bad to do. But I was always, I always blocked my face because I knew, like I always put a thing over my face

because I just knew that I wanted to be on TV someday and that shouldn't matter. Yes, so I was just never outdoors. That wasn't me knowing I was going to be on TV. That was just my lifestyle was, oh, you know, another book about Teddy Roosevelt. I'll sit in this cave and read it. Do you like the outdoors?

Are you like a camping? I do actually, I do like the outdoors, but I- I've seen you hiking with Kevin. Yeah, I don't- That's the only time comedians ever do it. Ever go outside. And then you're just tolerating his endless bits. Oh my God!

Which I love, by the way, no one adores Kevin Nealon more than I do, and he's one of my role models, but I swear to God, if I called him up and told him my father had just been murdered, he'd do a bit right away. Yeah, I know. And then I'd be like, no, no, really, they just,

they were just, I'm coming, I'm at the crime scene and he'd be like, well, I'm better than the scene of the crime, you know. He'd be like, doing bits. Yep, yep. And so, no, he's an empty, empty man. Yeah, I pull up his episode with you all the time when I'm in, just need, just to feel uplifted.

I think probably people tell you that all the time, but that is just such a classic 20 minute run that you guys had together. Or you were, Edward, or you were timing them to see how long, if they could be, do a regular interview. We couldn't, we couldn't. It was so fun.

We failed, and at the end, at the end, Kevin's just crying. He was crying. He was crying, and he went, cause we've known each other since 1988, and he went, you've just done so well, and Kevin's just crying. He was crying. He was crying and he went, cause we've known each other since 1988, and he went, you've just done so well and it's so surprising. And what's funny is that he's being honest.

It is surprising. But I don't want this to be about me. I want it to be a little bit about you and then about me. I like it. Let's keep it about you. No, no, no. You're gonna just have to put up with this because I have to say some really nice things to you.

First of all, you've been on the show many times and always been incredible. And you're having, some people have a moment and I think that's nice, they're having this moment. You're having more than a moment and it's because you deserve it. Because you are a spectacular joke writer, an amazing performer,

and your work ethic is off the charts. So to me, when I watched, you know, everyone was like, oh my God, you know, Nikki Glaser or Tom Brady roast, and you had this moment, it was the moment, you're always having moments like that. It's just that the planet's lined up and everybody was watching.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But it was not, oh, know what I mean? Yeah. But it was not, oh, isn't this incredible? Nikki had this amazing night. That's what you do. Thank you. And I'm telling you that I could tell

that behind this incredible set, which will endure, because it really is, no one's gonna do a better roast set than that, I don't believe. I think that's, I think you just did this thing, which is now going to be like, okay, where is it on the Nikki Glaser scale? No one's gonna do a better rose set than that. I don't believe. I think that's, I think you just did this thing, which is now going to be like, okay, where is it on the Nikki Glaser scale?

It's a 6.2. Really, that's pretty good. You know, it's not her 10. I looked at that and I thought, this is lots of talent, but talent, I've always said, doesn't interest me that much. What really interests me is work ethic and process. And then later on I read interviews. My talent is my work ethic.

Well, guess what? I'm right with you. I know, I honestly believe that I was looking at it and I was thinking, she was not in a car on the way to this event, writing this on the back of an envelope. This is someone who got the assignment and you correct me if I'm wrong,

and it was like, okay, this, I'm going for it, and I'm gonna put the work in. So you tell me what you did. Yeah, it's exactly what happened. I knew it was going to be this moment that a lot of people would watch or talk about, or I didn't realize it would be as big as it was, but all these roasts that I've done,

I've always kind of done the same process where I hire a team of writers, and I treat it like, oh, if I was hosting the Oscars or something, I wouldn't do it alone. Like, your stand-up act. I think a lot of times stand-ups have to pride themselves on like, we just write everything ourselves. And I do that with my own stand-up act.

But this, I was like, I want it to be a collaborative effort. I know that that's how I've done great in the past. And it's not my natural inclination to be like a roasty person. I just am not, I have to kind of get in that mode. So I instantly assembled a team and was like, here's who's going to be doing the roast, start sending me jokes.

And then it gets, then I start thinking in roast mode and then I can start writing jokes. And then I took that set out so many times to different clubs, every single place. And then meeting with writers afterwards in between sets, moving things around. Oh, let's change that word. Should I say retarded or retard?

Like, you know, getting down, like having really- I'm so glad you went with retard. Right? I really, sorry. Like having these really intense discussions about just, you know, the way you do when you're preparing for something like this. But I just couldn't, I just didn't wanna,

I didn't wanna have a set, no matter what happened, I knew that I could walk away from that, whether I did poorly or great, I tried my best. And then I would have no regrets. I love the feeling of doing well, but I also, maybe more than that, hate and despise and loathe the feeling of I missed it. That makes me feel so sick to my stomach

and so awful for so long, and then revisits me like Marley's ghost, like time after time after time in the night. You missed it! It wasn't as good as it could have been! I get shivers down my spine. I literally will convulse. I'll be in bed and go, ugh!

I'll shake with a line that I could have said, that I blew in that moment, and it'll send a shiver down. My boyfriend will sometimes see me, and I'm just like, ugh, because I go, I could have said this one thing, and I'm plagued by regret about things, and I just wanted to not,

I'm always trying to avoid that feeling, because it's the worst feeling. My wife will be, she turns in usually earlier, a little bit earlier, so she's usually like reading or she's about to go to sleep and I'll be brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I'll be like, fuck! Yeah.

And she'll be like, what happened? What happened? Like a bat flew in and bit you? And I'll say, no! My interview with Eartha Kitt, 1994. I wasn't, I didn't have the experience and she came at me and it was just a mess. Yeah.

And I'm not kidding. And so- No, I'm sure. But I was looking at your set was relentless. And at a certain point, I can tell that you know, there's one thing when, I can tell that you know, there's one thing when, I don't know, it's like in physics or something where a fire is so hot that then the air around it catches fire and there's no stopping it.

At some point, you got to a point where you knew, oh, this is, you had to, I can see it. Yeah, I think you're right. I think before when people have asked me about this, I've said I never really felt okay, and like I could relax until I sat down. But I think when you just said that, I'm like, no, there was a point where I felt the audience like embrace me,

and I felt there's just these moments where you get confidence that you don't necessarily have walking into it. And I go, oh, actually, I do, I think I do deserve to be here. And maybe like these people like me and like they trust that this is gonna go well. And I've said this so many times, I don't even need to look at the prompter. Like I didn't need to read it.

I was kind of on my own. I memorized. So I just felt- Well, also you know what you have coming. In the pocket. So you know, like I have, you're a bombardier and you know like, well, I've dropped 35, very, but there's 75 still back in the payload.

And so you know you're loaded up and so. And I think I probably, there was one joke in the middle that I, the wording was tripping me up in a couple sets. So once I got past that one, which was the one that was going to be my Achilles heel, once I got over that, I was like, okay, well then the rest of this is gonna be fine. I know what I, like you said. I know what I have coming.

Yeah, I felt prepared and it really taught me that I need to do that more often. I need to give that kind of effort to everything I do. And then there was this moment afterwards where I was like, I can't give that much effort to everything I do. No, no, no. It was exhausting. But you know what?

You have to choose your spots. Like I've had moments in my life where I always, where something's coming up and it's on a big scale. And what I do is I act like this is a bank heist. I have to find eight people who are gonna help me plan this. We work on it every day. And you were there, Sona, when I would, whether it was hosting award shows

or White House correspondents or something. Okay, I'm gonna do the late night show and then when the show is over, we're all going right upstairs and jokes are gonna fight it out and new jokes are gonna come in and some jokes that we thought were funny are gonna drop out and it's just gonna be,

and you do that, you go and you go and you go and you go and you go and you do that for weeks. And I think the reason I talk about this stuff, some people might listen and say like, well, this isn't, you know, this is not fun to hear about. And I think people need to know that it's not just really smart, funny person,

Nikki Glaser got up in a room and killed, that there's a whole arc behind it that speaks to your character that brought you to that point. And I do think people need to know that. Well, sometimes I'm like, I don't want anyone to know because I want them to think I just did this on my own and it was just off the top of my head and I'm that, and I'm just that funny all the time.

And the truth is that's, no, that was so much preparation going into that. It felt like a Olympic balance beam gymnast routine. Like that's how precise everything had to be in that moment. And because it was live and there was no edit, and pass or else you can kind of go, oh, this joke kills 80% of the time. I'll take a risk with that 20% if it happens.

They'll cut it out. I know the editor, I can text him. But this was like, no, we only have to do 100%, jokes that do 100%. So we had to get them to that or they didn't make the cut, and that was really sad because a lot of jokes didn't make the cut, but I felt afterwards, I had like a couple days, maybe even longer, of feeling like,

oh no, everyone's gonna expect me to be like in this roast mode all the time, where I'm just this assassin that gets up there and is always this on, and it's just not, that just took, I can't do that every day. Also. And I felt scared about. Also, you're such a nice person. Thanks. and it's always this on and it's just not, that just took away, I can't do that every day. And I felt scared about- Also, you're such a nice person.

Thanks. And the thing is- I kind of am, I think. No, you are, you're a very, I mean, I've known you a long time, you're a very nice person and unfailingly nice to like, you come in the building, you're kind to everybody, you're very genuine,

you've always been extremely kind to me. And it gets to this point where you think it's great to kill at a roast. But also what's so nice is I watched your special, Someday You'll Die. And I was in, it's very different from the roast, but very good and also very good. And my point is you can do so much more than that,

that you don't wanna be someone who's like, it's Nikki, the roast girl. You don't wanna do that because there's a lot more to you than that. And there's- I think, but when I did the roast, it was like, everyone's like, this is the greatest thing we've ever seen.

You won, MVP. I've never gotten that for anything I've ever done in my life. I mean, maybe for appearances on your show, because honestly, I treated that in the same way I would prepare in ways that I don't really prepare for no offense other. I mean, I do prepare a lot for talk shows,

but you just have meant so much to me that I would always have everything memorized that I was going to say and like know the beats and know the order and it was like, it was a lot of work went into all those appearances and I would get that kind of, those accolades after I would do those things and I go, I can't live up to this.

I just gotta be who I am and it's so tough. Be. Isn't it like to just like accept that you aren't what you might want to be? Because I want to be you, you know, and I'm just not. And that's okay. And I watch you and sometimes it's hard to watch you to be honest because you are so sharp and quick and your word choice is so...

I mean, I study this. What did you just say? This is just making me... I would love to be Conan O'Brien. You want to be him? I would love to be Conan O'Brien. No, you wouldn't. I would give anything. No, you wouldn't. I know you're a tortured soul, but you know... But can I just say me... I would love to be Conan O'Brien. I would give anything. No you wouldn't.

I know you're a tortured soul, but you know... But can I just say, can I... No, no, no. But he also tortures other souls. Right, and that's just fun. Yeah, that's called collateral damage. And you're gonna take it. All right, last time I checked,

you're still getting a paycheck. ["The Roast of the Sun"] What I walked away from the roast being, you know, I was trying to just throw myself under the bus constantly of like, oh, you know, it's like when someone wins the Super Bowl or MVP, it was really a team effort. And it really was for me with my team. But I was like, okay, walk away from, you know what, I'm going to give myself credit for I know what's funny. I'm a good curator.

And I really did run that. I know I picked that set and someone else could have had every element that I had and would have done a totally different set. So I give myself some credit for that. I give myself some credit for the performance and the timing. And I did write a lot of the jokes and I could find a way to say, okay, I'm special, but then I also don't wanna get, I don't wanna think that I'm special either. I don't wanna think too much that I'm special.

Yes, I understand that, believe me. But I'm really hot. I understand that you are. And that's what I'm taking away from this. Drop dead gorgeous. Thank you so much. And you just have to some, and you can't walk around thinking that,

but every now and then you've gotta just go into like a phone booth if they even exist anymore. Where is this going? Where? No, go into a phone booth and shut it and just be like, What are you doing in the phone booth? You say quietly to yourself, Nikki,

I am very hot. And then you come out of the phone pencil. Well, you need to say that to yourself. Yeah, you do too. You do too. I know, you're so attractive. You're like so much handsome guy. Yeah. There are two of those little isolation

phone booths here in the studio that you guys could. Yeah, we can do that. We'll each go into our separate phone booths and talk about how hot we are. Do you ever do affirmations? Because I honestly do that sometimes. Not the beautiful one. Mine are all negative.

I know. That's the problem. Various negative things about myself. Yeah, no. I mean, but you have the same struggle of feeling like less than in various ways. But you know what's interesting? I think you can probably relate to this.

I believe that our core sense of self is molded at a very early age. And so I was in a very different situation when I was seven, eight, nine years old, and that's when sort of my view of the world and my place in it was formed. It's like, that's when the cement dried. And then later on- And what is that view?

What do you take away from that age? Oh, getting picked last to be on a team. Right. Kids give me a hard time. I got a funny name. I've got a lot of freckles and orange hair. And I don't quite know where I fit in. And is that when the amping up the sense of humor

kind of took over at that age? I think what happens, I've always had this theory that you're given this like little bag of tricks when you're born, you don't even know what's in there and then you spend time finding little things and you're like, hi, is great athlete in here? I don't see it. Yeah, yeah.

And for me it was, for me it was, this bag feels kind of light. Like, walking around and seeing other people with their bags and they're just like, all this stuff is coming out of it. Harp prodigy can throw a fastball 90 miles an hour, looks like a young Cary Grant and I'm going like, ah.

It's just some chapstick in an old receipt. Yeah. And also, there's still a lot of, it's a relatively new bag, so there's a lot of tissue they put in it just to fill out the bag. Oh my God. And I'm like, it looked fuller, but this is just tissue.

And then- So where did you get the first kind of inclination that you have a special skill for comedy? Because that had to be the, where you go, I found it in my bag. Third, fourth grade, I start to realize that- That young. Yeah, I start to realize that people are really laughing

when I'm doing things and then they kind of give me a break. But then I keep devaluing it and I keep thinking, well, that's just for your friends. That doesn't really, so it took a while. I mean, it's really not until college that I see the real value of, wait a minute, writing. That's when the pussy started coming in. Oh man, yes.

Professor pussy here. Yeah. Professor pussy. Drowning in put. Yeah, nope. In college, that's when it, you go, there's something here. That's when I started, yeah. But then it still took a long time because physically it took me a long time

for me to come into my own because I grew tall late, very quickly, and I'm six, four, 155 pounds, and I've talked to structural engineers and they say, that's not possible. And I'm like, and I see pictures from that era and I look, it's fucking crazy. I'm like, and I see pictures from that era and I look, it's fucking crazy. I'm so, but.

Yeah, that's what happened to me too. Like I was anorexic at college. I've probably told this on this podcast before, but it was absolutely, I loved comedy, absorbed it all, was always just laughing at my friends and just admiring them for how funny they were. And I definitely had funny lines here and there. And I just would study comedy, but it wasn't until college where I was so, you know, skinny

and no one wanted to be friends with me. And I was so just someone that everyone was making fun of and whispering about that. I was like, I gotta do something else that people are gonna talk about. I gotta take control of this. And that's when I started to hear, oh, you're funny. And then that's when I found that in my bag. I didn't know that. I was looking in that bag that you're talking about for so long of like, what is gonna be my fucking thing?

Like, I wanna be, I wanna, I know I wanna be a performer. I know I wanna be on TV, but what, doing what? Wasn't good at acting, wasn't getting, I didn't go to even like a performing arts high school, but I was still getting like Jewish townsperson B in the Diary of Anne Frank, you know, school, but I was still getting Jewish towns person B in the diary of Anne Frank. And I was a senior.

This was supposed to be my moment to finally get the lead. If you do it right, that's the role. That's the role people talk about. Forget this Anne Frank bitching and moaning. Look at that Jewish towns girl in the back. And so I really was just so discouraged, tried to go to theater school, didn't get in anywhere, ended up going just to, you know,

state school and, you know, liberal arts. I'll just figure it out along the way and just really was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And running out of, I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to, I was told that I wasn't good at that. It just, nothing was going to pan out and I was feeling, and I out of, I wanted to be a singer, I was told that I wasn't good at that, it just, nothing was going to pan out and I was feeling, and I was like, I'm gonna be a mom or like, I can't,

I'm gonna kill myself if I can't, I really was like, I can't believe I have to kill myself someday, I really thought that. I remember having that feeling when I didn't get in theater school. You talk about it in your special too. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, you have this capability

of going crazy dark, but then pulling up the plane before it gets to be too, you know. Talking about suicide and my special and suicidal thoughts, like I've had those for so long and I've been doing comedy for over 20 years and never really talked about it on stage or felt like it was like something I could reveal because I felt ashamed about it.

Because it was like, I also don't want people to think in the business that I'm gonna kill myself someday, therefore they won't give me a job because I'm a liability, but it turns out they don't give a shit. If you kill yourself, their show will do better. I really thought I would get a job. Wow, you really look at the numbers here. Wow, you really crunched it. I really thought I would get a job. Wow, you've really looked at the numbers here.

Wow, you've really crunched it. I really thought it would affect my career. But it doesn't to say that you think that way, because then I learned that those thoughts don't mean you're gonna do anything with it, and then I was thinking, okay, what's funny about this? And the ability to make a chunk of jokes about having thoughts about wanting to kill myself,

real thoughts, and being able to have people laugh at that and being able to get out of that and make, put that in my special was a huge achievement because that chunk was not doing well for a while. But then I kind of broke it when I figured out that you can excuse anything you're talking about if someone in your life was affected by that thing. Like you can joke about cancer if you're like,

well, I lost my partner to cancer and like, oh, I've been through it. I have cancer. You do a great run on this actually. And when I just had that moment of like, oh, I can talk about suicide because I'm gonna kill myself someday. Like that kind of, when I have that excuse,

I like to find ways in comedy where you can say offensive things and no one can be mad at you. Cause I really don't want people to be mad at me. I really like having that to back up and say, well, it's just true. Because I don't like to offend anyone. I don't want to trigger anyone.

I don't want people to leave feeling, you know, having a panic attack because I brought up something they've been through. So I do offer refunds to my shows. Oh, you do? If you leave my show panicked, because I said some word that made you think of something that happened to you, I'll Venmo you back your money.

At least the part of your ticket that I got made, you know? I really will, because I don't like... You know there'll be cheapskate sewing. It's going, I didn't like the part where you went, welcome everybody. Or, thank you, you've been great. That really triggered me. I want my money back.

That's like eating a full meal at Denny's and saying, yeah, this didn't quite do it for me. Yeah. There's a very funny thing that you said in your special, which is, which was actually, it served two purposes. First of all, because you were talking about suicidal ideation and people that, and you have any of those kinds of thoughts,

you give the number of people you should call, which is- 988. 988, and you say, 98's the number of people that you should call, which is? 988. 988, and you say, 98's the number you call if you're having, and I thought, like, that's important, I wanted to repeat that, and then you said, it's not 911,

and you had a really funny, you mimed, what happens if you call 911? If you call 911, they're like, I think I'm gonna kill myself, they're like, call us when you do, and then they hang up on you. Because why is there another number? Why do we need it?

Yeah, we don't do that part. You call 9-8-8 and then we come later on. Call us back. When you're joy hanging up. It was really, oh my God. But I thought that was a great joke because it was really funny and informational. Like I thought, okay, you got the information out.

That is what I wanted to do, because I don't think you, I don't think legally you can talk about suicide without saying something like that. And I was already wanting to get that number out because it was a long number. It was like a 1-800 number that no one could remember before. And so now they shortened it. And I have a deal with myself.

If I, I don't think I'll ever do that and would never even attempt. I've never even been close to attempting, but cause I'd have to clean my room first, I always realize, because I'm gonna have company. You know, the coroner's coming over. And so I really do think that. Oh my god, that's so fucking dark.

It's such a darker version of your grandmother saying, make sure you have clean underwear in case you have to go to the hospital. That is a much darker version of your grandmother saying, make sure you have clean underwear in case you have to go to the hospital. That is a much darker version of that. Yeah, but I think like that. And that, I honestly think my vanity has kind of like kept me from even taking, going to the next thought. And so, yeah, I just, I wanted to get that number out there

because I know that there are a lot of people that are like, no one cares, I'm gonna kill myself. And I always say, just call the number first, you can do it after. Just at least call the number first. And I'm not saying do it after, but I'm saying, if you are so dead set on this, but okay, so let's just see. Just reach out to someone.

And I think it's very important to get that out there. But yeah, that was an achievement for me to be able to talk about that. And I have even more to say in my next special, it turns out. Was I gonna trick you into saying it here and then you can't do it? No, no. No, I'm kidding.

You simulate a gangbang by yourself in a mini dress on a stool, and it is really something to see. First of all, I learned a lot about what, because I'm so uptight and naive in my own way It is really something to see. First of all, I learned a lot about what, because I'm so uptight and naive in my own way that I'm not quite sure how a gangbang works. And then you're acting it out on a stool and I was like, oh.

Yeah. Yeah. So I was laughing, but also there was a how-to element to it for me. Well, that's how I, when I was talking about, you know, the porn that I watch and that involves gang bangs, I really thought like everyone kind of knew what that was. And then I realized, I thought back to when I, before I had gone down that road in the porn world, because you don't start there.

I don't think I'm, that's where I'm ending either. I think there's many places I can still go. You know what? Always push the, I can still go. You know what? Always push the, you can always grow. You can always grow. You can always expand. Porn knows. Don't limit yourself.

Dream big because porn. I started with just naughty nurses. That is where you started. And now I'm with naughty orthopedists. Well they know. Because if you watch porn, they'll suggest things to you that they think you'll like. And the other day, I felt so proud of myself

because I saw something that involved urine. It was just the thumbnail. And I could see that it involved urine. And I just was like, ugh. And I felt so good that there is a bar for me. And then I can tell. Because I'm like, no, I don so good that there's something, there is a bar for me. And then I can tell, because I'm like, no, I don't want that. And I could tell the site is just like,

okay, we'll see you next week. Like, oh, sorry, we jumped the gun on this. Yeah, you're a little early. But you will be here. You're a week away. This is where it ends. We've crunched the numbers, Nikki. This is where you're headed.

And I am. Nikki at 69, 69 hot dick. There is, but there is this one. I'm just imagining what her, I just think I nailed. You clearly never watch porn. I like that you think you have to have a username. I know, I know. It's so cute.

Shit, I've been using my actual name. No! Yeah, but it's all like Victorian porn. Oh, OK. It's all things like, I'll have that hoop skirt off you once I finish this snuff. Yeah. But it is watching porn, like, it's a lonely thing.

Obviously, you're doing it mostly when you're alone. But there's so much funny stuff going on in that world. And you don't really have anyone to talk to about it. And so it's onstage being able to share my experience in that world and have people laugh. It's like the only way, because I can't even talk to my friends about the stuff that they watch. Like, it's not even something you can talk,

you really can't talk to anyone about what you see on there and what you witness. And I find that comedy is a great way to like, for me to kind of exercise that guilt that I have of the stuff that I'm witnessing, because I'm witnessing because I'm not alone. Because gangbang's a category that's like right up center.

But don't you think, you just said, this is kind of where I wanna go with this. That is so much of what I think this is about, kind of. Shame. Well, no, but also you saying, I don't know. I have in my life, I have people that think, oh, it must be nice to be in that situation. And I think, I don't know,

it's just been a constantly evolving situation and pain is a regular part of it and disappointment. And I think we have a world that doesn't show that. They just show almost in that Kardashian way, like everything's cleaned up and looks so perfect and looks so idealized. And I just think it's really important for people to understand that, okay, this is what it takes to be a Nikki Glaser.

And this is what the, and these are the things that are part of your personality and you share it with people and it's really funny, but I think it's, I hate to say, cause it sounds so corny, but I also think it does some good for young women that are in- I am adamant about telling the secrets

that make me look a certain way on TV or make me even perform a certain way. Like I need people to know this is not just how I'm showing up because I grew up looking at women in magazines and we didn't really know, we knew about airbrushing but we didn't know about all like the teams that they had around them. And I didn't know about fake eyelashes

or hair extensions and all these things. And so whenever I do anything or get compliments on my looks or anything like that, I remember I was working on that show FBoy Island and the directors, young daughters came to set and I was really just dolled up. I looked like a princess and they were like, you're so beautiful.

And I go, girls, let's look at this. This is, I took out my hair, which I have on right now. I unclipped it. I go, this is all fake. Everyone, every woman you see on TV is wearing this stuff. I go, these are fake eyelashes. And the director's in my ear and he goes, thank you so much for doing this,

because no one does this, and these girls were admiring me in a way that they wouldn't had I not been wearing all this stuff. They need to know, because I suffered so much from not knowing that stuff, so I think that's really what drives everything I do, is like, I want young girls, especially, to have all the information that they need to go forward

and not feel so, like, there's something wrong with them because they don't look that way or they don't, they don't have that kind of success or they don't have, they don't know, they're not as sexually advanced. I mean, that was a real problem for me as well, was just that I was scared of boys for so long.

And I think that's why I talk about sex all the time is because I just didn't have information about it, so I was scared about it I didn't want to do it and my mom also told me at a very young age if you're ever alone with a boy they'll they'll all rape you and so I She literally gave me that sex talk That was just wanted to scare me like, you know that kind of parental thing of but she also I think I'm just gonna say I think she took the wrong course there

Does she also? I think she, I'm just gonna say, I think she took the wrong course there. Right? Yeah, when she used to, my mom would watch me and my dad would go to work. We lived on like a river, and she was so scared that I would venture off and drown that she told me, if you ever go down to that river, if you ever go past this driveway, you will die. Geez. You will die.

And so, you know, you just believe her. And my dad would come home and go like, let's go kayaking. And I'd go, ah! And he's screaming. Mayor! but you just believe her. And my dad would come home and go like, let's go kayaking. And I'd go, no! And he's screaming. Mirror! And he wonders why I don't like the outdoors now. But I really, yeah, I was just a terrified child.

My first word as a child, multislavic word, was dangerous. And I would point out things that were dangerous. And I was completely in fear of everything. I couldn't public speak. And in seventh grade, I would have to present during recess, or when the other kids were at recess alone with the teacher, my dad would have to call because I would shake so much in front of the class.

I would always do presentations that were glow in the dark so that I could do it in the dark so that no one would see me shake. And then one time, Mrs. Tucky was like, why don't you give the presentation with the lights on and then we turn it out. And I was like, no, that's not the plan. And I'm just shaking so much, my kneecaps.

I would feel like I was gonna fall over. And I just, and then that really butted up against the fact that I wanted to be on TV. I didn't know what I was gonna do. And I just remember there was a moment where I was just like, you can't live in regret. You're gonna regret if you don't try. So I signed up for a play that I had no business doing,

but I just had to go do it because, and I think that's my whole life is just signing up for things I'm scared of, saying yes to things that I'm terrified I'm gonna fail at. And then I have to fulfill it because I don't wanna disappoint people. And I think that's really a key component of my success. Do you feel the same way?

Do you say yes to things that you're scared of and then you dread it completely? Yes, I say yes to things and it's funny because you've been around for this Sona, but I'll say yes to things and they always say the same thing. Like they're almost hoping I don't say yes because they know the hell that I'm gonna go through,

but then they're gonna be part of it. Oh yeah. Because I'm gonna be going, oh great, great, okay. So this is now in six weeks? How am I supposed to do this? This can't be done. No one's ever stood up and done this. And they'll be like, yeah, they do it all the time.

Like hot ones. I really wanna ask you about what your preparation was going into that because- I don't think there was any preparation. I mean- The only preparation was- Was Dr. Arroyo. My first thought was,

I don't wanna just taste the wings and talk about the wings. I have to go in and be a total asshole. I just have to, and I have to have a physician present and that has to be Jose. So good. But that's kind of all I knew. And then everything else from then is just, this has to keep ramping up

from the thing that just happened. And- Cause I've never, I mean, I've seen most of what you've done and I've never seen you, you know, you're not someone who drinks a lot and you don't lose control. You're always in control, even if you're seemingly out of control.

And I felt like it was the first time I had ever seen you maybe on the brink of losing control because you were in so much pain. It was, but you still, but you were fighting it and you still had it. And it was one of the most brilliant things I've ever seen. Thank you.

It was, I've read everything afterwards about, you know, all the interviews you've done and I've seen you talk about it on the show and I've watched Dr. Arroyo on this podcast countless times and shown everyone, I think is one of the funniest 20 minutes I've ever seen in my life of any, it was so fucking funny that he was, oh, I thought I was meant to take your pulse.

No, they know. It's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in my life. God bless Jose, and you know what's really funny is I've read so many comments of people saying that they thought Jose was gonna come in as himself and that I was gonna be myself and we were gonna cop to and just do like a behind the scenes. It's like, no, fuck you, that's not what we're doing. It was so perfect. It's going to be, this is gonna be myself, and we were gonna cop to, and just do like a behind the scenes. It's like, no, fuck you.

That's not what we're doing. It was so perfect. It's going to be, this is gonna be our relationship for the rest of our lives. It's my favorite thing of the year. But I wanna know, when you, when the, cause I don't think I've heard you talk about what the pain was that you were experiencing

in that moment. You know, I'm gonna say the, if I think something's funny, and it sounds crazy, but if I think something's funny and it's going well, the performance energy or whatever, that just takes over. And I've, a car filled with big jockey guys backed over my foot about 10 years ago, and I think broke it.

And I was having a good time, and rather than ruin the evening, I just decided, fuck it, my foot isn't broken. So proceeded to go and have a lot of fun with these people and then woke up in the morning and my wife saw my foot and it was all like, didn't look like a foot anymore. And she said, we gotta go to the hospital.

And I went, no, we're just gonna keep going and it's gonna go away and it did. Wow. And I swear to God, like there's a- Now you walk like the elephant. I know, I know. I didn't say it was a smart thing to do. And there are times, listen, there are times kids when you should go to the hospital.

But I come from kind of tough minded people, tough people, where they could just compartmentalize really well. And my father once had, he had a big surgery, and this is a bunch of years ago, they had to go in and pretty much cut open his torso and do this big operation for colon cancer, and he survived it, but they sewed him up, and he woke up, and he's a doctor,

so he knows that time in the hospital is dangerous and that medications that sedate you and kill pain slow recovery. So we woke up, he yanked everything out, he got up, put on his clothes with like this giant Frankenstein stitched down the side and I flew home to visit him in the hospital but I'm gonna drop my bags off at home first

and be there just when he comes out of surgery and I ring the bell for my brother to answer and the door opens and it's my father. White as a sheet and he's like, hi, how are you? And then I said, oh dad, dad, you should be in the hospital and he went, I'm fine. Then I said, well, after a while, I said, I'm gonna take mom to a restaurant,

take her out for a restaurant and he went, I'm gonna take mom to a restaurant, take her out for a restaurant. And he went, I'm coming too. Oh my God. And we went to like a fish restaurant in Brookline Village and he's like, this is lovely. And like blue foam is coming out his mouth. And I have a bit of him in me, which is, I've always thought, if I'm about to go out

and do something and someone, I'm gonna say lower caliber bullet, but a 22 and I got hit, and maybe it missed a vital area, but still bad, I'll go and do the thing. Yeah, I- And then I'll come backstage and I'll say, Sona, I think it's time to go to the nearest hospital. Yeah, because I've seen it so many times.

The pain will- Have you seen it? I've seen you in that mode many times. The pain will. Have you seen it? I've seen you in that mode many times. At this stage in my career, I'm no spring chicken, and at this stage in my career, it's fun to see. I think we're pushing it to like a slightly new area, so let's do that now,

because when am I gonna get to do it again? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That's, and I think that's what we're all, that's not just me, that's, if you get a chance at this point. It was so inspirational. I mean, I I think that's what we're all, that's not just me, that's, if you get a chance at this point. It was so inspirational. I mean, I really, comedically, I was like, I wanna go there someday.

I'm not ready to go there. I can't get you the sauce. The sauce is readily available. I'm not ready to let go in that way and to just trust that, I don't know, there was just something, you trusted yourself in that moment. Like you had just arrived.

I was like, Conan knows he can be untethered and unhinged and it's just going to, it was just something, you trusted yourself in that moment, like you had just arrived. I was like, Conan knows he can be untethered and unhinged and it's just going to, it was just so confident and I did have a feeling that you weren't feeling it. I mean, I know you were feeling it, but like I just, I could sense that. But as soon as you got in the car, is that when the pain came on?

The pain was also, I walked out and there was like a dressing room and I went into the dressing room and made the terrible mistake of wiping my eye and that burned like crazy. That's just like acid in your eyes. So I was remembered washing out my eye. Then tried to clean up as best I could.

And then I hopped in the car with David Hopping who took over as assistant for Sona. And he's driving me back home because we knew I probably shouldn't be driving, and my hand started burning, and I've talked about this, but underneath my wedding ring, which burns anyway, because I think it was a... I mean, come on, that was just a mistake.

I should be out there... fucking and sucking! Aw, man! We're mostly sucking. Oh, no. Wait, or fucking. I don't know. I'm all confused now.

But anyway, underneath my wedding ring, it was burning and burning and burning, and I took it off, and it was all discolored. It was just because, yeah, it's an acid, and it got trapped underneath my wedding ring. Was everyone in the crew just, like, all of a sudden triaged to you? No.

Because everyone seemed so shocked. And I've talked to some people that have worked on the show and said, no one's ever done anything like that, and we were all really concerned. I wasn't getting a lot of concern. I mean, were people like that? You know what I was getting? Oh, this will get some clicks.

Oh, they were so excited, for sure. This will be good for Buzzfeed. Oh, so good. This will do all right. But I had experience. Whatever happens to him, and hey, if he dies, more clicks. Yeah. Exactly.

That's the mood. That's what I was getting from that. I always sign whenever someone, I never know what to write when people are signing things, and I'm just like, if I die, tragically sell this for a lot. Because that's the only... Because it will, that is just writing someone, like giving someone a thousand dollars. If I die in some crazy way, and I only write that a hundred times,

there's a hundred people out there that have me predicting some crazy, like that is giving someone a gift. But I want to say that I relate to the pain thing because I wear, you know, I try to dress up when I'm on stage. I try to live this kind of like pop star life that I might not ever have in my own life when I'm on stage. I dress up and I wear these heels. After the show, people are like, how did you do that for an hour, what, 20 minutes you're up there?

And I don't feel it at all, but the second, the second I step out of the spotlight, my feet, I throw them off my feet. And it doesn't happen for an hour and 20 minutes I'm up there, but I'm like, literally the foot goes into the dim light and I am throwing them off. So there is something about a performance that makes you numb.

And I think, yeah, that's why I should have surgeries during podcasts. I think that's, if there's a mic in the room and someone asking me about my process. I feel sometimes, it's weird thing for me to say, like I'm proud of you because I'm not related to you, but I have this kind of avuncular feeling of. Oh God.

But no, just like I'm so, you put in the work and you are principled and you are very talented, but as I've said, it's all the other stuff that I think makes the difference. I've seen so many people with talent not do much with it or misuse it or mistreat it. So I'm very happy for you. Thank you, Conan.

And on a personal level, and I take full credit for everything you've achieved. You should take full credit. Because I was- No, he should not. Oh yeah, no, no, no. He should take a partial. What I mean financially,

I should participate in your success. Write one of those death signatures and it will be square. Anyway, Nikki, I'm proud of you. I love you. Keep doing your thing. I love you. You are, um, I said the first time I met you, but you, I would not be doing comedy if I hadn't discovered you. I really wouldn't.

There's just no, there's no way. Like, you, your show opened my eyes to a thing that was just, I became a, I'm a huge Swiftie now, and I always talk about my obsessions through the years, and you were my first, like, obsession where I go, this is cool. Wow, before Taylor Swift. Yes. It's transferred now to her.

Because I've... I happily passed the crown to Taylor Swift. No, I mean, I can still, I'm just such a huge fan, but I... Now, wait a minute, can I just say, because I want to wrap passed the crown to Taylor Swift. No, I mean, I can still- Wait a minute, can I just say, because I want to wrap it up, but have you met Taylor Swift? I met her before I was a huge fan. So I met her before it took hold of my life.

Because now I feel like you are so, you are a famous fan of hers, and I feel like it has to happen. Like we need to orchestrate a meeting. Have you ever felt this way about someone you care so much about that you just almost want to, you just want to stay a fan fan because I don't even want her to have to deal with me crying and having to like,

and sometimes with you- She'll handle it, she'll be fine. Yeah. I think it's gotta happen. I'm just gonna put it out in the universe. Yeah. Taylor Swift. Let me text her.

Nikki Glaser, yeah. You were texting her when I came in. Oh, freaking news. And you were like, just let this relationship keep going and if it falls apart, maybe I'll take you out again. You're gonna throuple with her and Travis. Yeah. Give Travis another shot.

It's not the balance you would think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nikki Glaser, be well. Thank you, Dylan. And keep doing your Nikki Glaser thing. Thank you for having me.

Anytime. ["Sweet Home Alone"] Last episode, we talked to Lisa Kudrow and you had a blood pressure monitor on the entire time and we thought maybe we'd check in with you and see what the update is on that. Yeah, well I have some news for you guys. Okay.

Nothing's, you know, I think wrong with me. Well, that's a whole other thing. I'm just kidding. My doctor said, I always had great blood pressure and then more recently he said, huh, it keeps notching its way up. And so he said, why don't we just put a cuff on you when it just takes your blood pressure over a 24 hour period

and you just wear it and you forget about it. Well, he lied. Because you don't forget about it. It's a giant blood pressure cuff. And then there's what looks like a catheter tube going from that to a giant World War II walkie talkie. And you have to hold that. It doesn't clip onto your belt or anything.

There's no place. So, you know, you're walking around holding a large 1940s radio that's attached to your arm. And then every 30 minutes, this thing would inflate and take your blood pressure. So anyway, I, as you know, wasn't planning on this. I thought it was gonna be more discreet. I thought it would be some cool little tiny thing

made by Apple that they like put into your bicep and you don't even notice it. No, I didn't realize that technology hasn't really evolved since the three Stooges were doing medical sketches. So this thing kept inflating every 30 minutes and I had to lug it around with me for 24 hours. So it ended up as part of playing a part

of me Lisa Kudrow interview. Yeah, and so what were your results? Well, the results were interesting. Doctor calls me up and he goes, so he went, yeah, your blood pressure's all over the map. He said, it calms down at night when you go to sleep, but it's these highs and lows. And he said, so walk me through your day.

And so he started saying, what was happening at this time? And I kept, I had a very good memory for the day before. And so obviously there are times where we're here doing the podcast, and I'm sitting here with Wisa Kudrow, who's an old friend, but also a massive star. And so I'm activated, you know? But also, then he'd say,

well, what's going on at 2 o'clock? Oh, yeah, that's when I was having a wrestling match with my head writer. Mike Sweeney and I were just wrestling each other in the hallway. Okay, well, what was happening over here? Oh, I think that's when I threw an orange at Sona. And so basically, as I was walking through my day

with my doctor, it became clear that I may, my blood pressure may not be artificially high. I think I'm just like a Tasmanian devil. I'm an insane person. Purely environmental, but of your own making. Of my own making, yeah. Did you tell him the truth? Yeah, I told him everything.

You told him all that stuff? Yeah. Why didn't you lie? Well, because then he'd say, you need to be on a very powerful drug. Oh, okay. I need to tell him, oh, no, no, no. He said you needed to be on a different type

of very powerful drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, it was just really fascinating to go through the day and realize, oh, but also, as you know, I work out in the mornings. Yeah. He was like, well, what's going on here?

And I went, oh, I'm doing my weight workout. What's going on over here? I'm running full tilt through my neighborhood, listening to music. Oh, okay, then what happens? Well, then I get to work. Oh, good, things must settle down. Well, no, that's when I see my head writer

and I tackle him and we fight. Oh, well, then what happened? Well, I saw Sona and she had a sandwich and I saw an orange, so I had to throw it at her. Then she threw a banana at me and the fight ensued. So anyway, it was just, I was going through my whole day and realizing none of this reflects. My body is probably responding in the correct way.

And I'm, you know. But are you okay? Oh, I don't think so. No, I think I'm not along for this world. But I've had a good run. I've had a really good run. You have. Yeah, I've enjoyed it.

I've had a good time. It's about time. And no one should feel sorry because trust me, I did this to myself. Yeah, that's true. No, I know. No, I know. You did.

So anyway, medical science, yeah. I just think you should take care of yourself. Cause you know, what am I gonna do? Yes, I'm only thinking about myself. You know what? If something happens to him, what do I do? Can I say something? Would it calm you if I told you

that there was a little something carved out for you should anything happen to me? Oh my God. Yeah. Yes, now I wanna kill you. What the hell? Careful, what are you doing? What are you doing?

No, it's very specific. If I'm stabbed to death with an Armenian dagger. Oh no! As I put it away. A circa 1902 Armenian dagger. How did he die? He was choked to death using dried apricot. Come on. It was rolled up. To the tune of the saber dance. How did he die? He was choked to death using dried apricot. A lot.

It was rolled up. To the tune of the saber dance. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Not the masturbating bear thing. No, don't say the bear-ges part. Then when people are listening to it, they're gonna say that. The other thing is gonna be the coroner

is gonna be running the blood test and say, oh my God, his garlic levels are through the roof. It's like calling cards. It's the garlic killer. The killings are focused in Altadena and Glendale. What kind of, what is this guy? Someone is making, is shoving way too much garlic into a pita, and forcing gangly anglos to eat it.

Ganglos. Ganglos, gangly anglos. Hey, another ganglo went down. Don't tell me. Yeah, Altadena. No! Get over there, and then they can smell the garlic before they even do the blood test.

I got a deceased male ganglo on the streets. We got a ganglo. What am I called? What am I called? The garlic grifter. I want a cool name. Oh, oh, oh. Come on, improv people, do it.

Boo. Boo, boo, boo, boo. Boo. Boo. The arm maniac. Oh. The arm maniac. That's pretty neat. Well, the arm maniac is loose. The Ar-Maniac. The Ar-Maniac. Well, the Ar-Maniac is loose.

Another ganglo was found. A six foot four inch red haired, white pasty Irishman with garlic levels 9,000 times the normal level. Oh, well, who found him? A jogger? Well, a jogger was a mile away and smelled a lot of garlic. So altered her course to go by and there was the ganglo. And then we knew the arm maniac was back.

Oh, no. All right, well, don't worry. I've carved a little something out for you. Uh-oh. Later, Conan's gone. What do I get? Here you go, Sona. I know. A little fruit tree. Oh, that's nice. Sweet do I get? Here you go, Sona. I know.

A little fruit tree. Oh, that's nice. I'll take a fruit tree. I have a tree in my backyard that you- The pomegranate tree. You're welcome. It's responsible for all the good things in your life. It's very nice. You go on every day and still get pomegranates.

Anyway, it's fake. Okay, we can edit this last part out. Beware, the's fake. Okay, we can edit this last part out. Beware! The army maniac. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

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