Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Oops, All Ads!

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

While Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend has fans all over the world, one very important part of the show is only available to US listeners–the ads! From Magoosh to Mizzen & Main, Conan has been known to go a little off the rails with his ad reads, so as a treat for our international and American fans alike, Team Coco presents a very special episode of the weirdest and wildest ad reads to date. Welcome to “Oops, All Ads!”

Hello, Conan O'Brien here, and welcome to, well, we've never done an episode like this. This is an unusual one. Let me explain. It's called Oops, All Ads. That's Oops, Comma, All Ads. And there's a reason for this, okay? And the reason is this. We, of course, have a thriving community in the United States, and they hear our often ridiculous ad reads. The ads just completely fall apart sometimes. And this can be quite amusing to some people. Some people say they actually prefer it to us actually trying to be funny. So it's become a little bit of a thing. The problem is that in the international market, and we do have a very healthy group of fans all across the world, they don't get to hear the ads. The

ads are not included in the podcast for reasons that I cannot even comprehend. Very technical. This term dynamic ad insertion comes into the conversation. And whenever I hear that, I lose all blood pressure and pass out. But suffice it to say, all of our fans across the world internationally don't get to hear some of these ads. So someone had the idea, what if we did an episode of all of our favorite ad reads, which means most of them have gone horribly wrong, or just fallen apart, or I went off on a tangent. And I want to point out two things, because that's what you're going to hear now is some of our favorite ads that we've done over the last few years. First of all, when we first aired these ads,

yes, money did change hands. Unless the ad was so unprofessional, the company decided not to pay. But we were too busy giggling to even notice, which I think happened on a few occasions. However, this time, I think it's just important to let you know that no money's changing hands this time around, meaning we're airing these ads just because they make us chuckle and they seem absurd. But the companies aren't paying this second time around. This is just a freebie on us. I just didn't want you to think that this episode was a money grab. We put comedy first, and well, comedy alongside money, let's be honest. They're just neck and neck racing it out. And it's not really comedy anyway.

It's really not comedy. Yeah, it's just people having mental breakdowns slowly over time on a podcast. And second of all, the other thing you need to know is that earlier on on the podcast, when we were first starting out, I used to say that I was doing the ads to pay for my beach house. And that was just the conceit. So what we would do is Matt Goorley would add beach sounds in the background while I was doing the ads. And so if you hear beach sounds in the background of an ad, that's what's happening. It's because I was saying, hey, I'm going to do this ad now for this toilet seat to pay for my beach house. And it was a bad investment, but I need to make some quick cash and then you'd hear the sound.

So that explains that. I think I've covered everything, haven't I, Matt? There's a couple more things. For instance, you're being humble. We should mention that you won the I Heart Radio podcast award for best ad reads. I mean, come on. I don't know that I was being humble. Okay, you're being forgetful. He forgot. I forgot. Yes, we won, as they say in the Christmas classic Christmas story, I won a major award. And yes, and it's if we won this award for our reads. So yeah, because we all know how important awards are and how much they bolster my ego. So yeah, there's that. And then also, the reason that international audiences don't hear this is

because of dynamic insertion, which just means that the ads can be placed geographically depending on where the clients buy them. So that's why a Ford and Michael only in the United States, who cares not to Latvia. Well, why can't Latvia have a Ford ad? Well, they can, but that's probably going to have to be paid for by Ford Latvia. Have you been to Ford Latvia? Been there. Hell, I am it. Wow. Okay. Now, you know, who didn't win improviser of the year award? Oh, what? I'm on pins and needles. Who is it? Well, it wasn't you, Matt. Oh, come on. I'm sorry. Because every time I throw you the ball, you go, huh, me, I am it. Anyway. And then there is one last thing. Yeah. And that is that these segments that you're

going to hear, these chunks of ads are going to be broken up thematically. So the first one you're about to hear is about merchandising. Merchandising. Okay. And again, what you're about to hear, not the way an ad should be read. And I think I'm surprised we got paid. If we got paid, I'm sure some of these people refuse to pay. And I wouldn't blame them, because often if I think the ad will be funnier, if I go off on a wild tangent that somehow ends up defaming the product, I'll go that way. And if it means we don't get the check, well, we don't get the check because we're thinking of you first and the check second. And then I think of my family third. There you have it. All right, here we go. Let's take a listen. Look,

I spent considerable amount of time speaking from the heart on this show about misinemain dress shirts. Have I not? Sona, isn't that true? Yes. You know what I'm talking about, those comfortable dress shirts. They're made out of performance fabrics that move as your body moves. And my body moves quite a bit. And these shirts move with me. Well now, what, too much? The tone was great. Yeah, sorry. I don't know what happened there. I'm swallowing a lozenge. Anyway, misinemain now makes pants. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're driving your car, you might want to pull over the side of the road. Misinemain makes pants. Okay. And these are comfortable performance quality. Everything that their shirts have, they now come in a

chino. You know, if you've ever been like running or jogging or doing karate and you think this would look so cool if I was wearing chinos, now you can. You can stretch their wrinkle resistant, moisture wicking, which is important for me. A lot of steam comes off this chassis. Oh my god. I run hot and comfortable. Very comfortable. I'm like a nuclear reactor with long fin legs and no self-esteem. Anyway, you might be thinking, oh, come on. Misinemain is, they make these dress shirts. Why are they making, you know, chinos? Well, they're doing it. They're doing it. They look like regular pants. There's no answer. There was no answer. They're just doing it. They're just doing it. Well, they're doing it. No, they look like regular pants and they're very comfortable.

You'll never want to take these off and people will complain because you never take them off. You're in a shower, pal. Why are you wearing chinos? Ah, Misinemain. So drop your pants because Misinemain has better ones. Head on over to Misinemain's website at www.comfortable.af to get in their pants. This was written for me. I would never say that. Use Code Conan at checkout to receive $10 off your order. That's www.comfortable.af with the Code Conan for ten bucks off. Misinemain! It's never felt better to look your best. Well, it's officially the holiday season. If you're looking for gifts for friends and family, or maybe just for yourself, because let's face it, you deserve gifts more than anyone else,

especially those other creeps in your life. Make sure to scope out my merch. That's right. What does people want more than anything? More than a diamond ring or a gold watch? They want Conan merch. Podswag.com is the home of all the great stuff with my podcast logo on it. And they have a couple of Conan and Brian Needs a Friend bundles specifically for this holiday season. What says I love you, mom, more than Conan merch on the holidays? Podswag is going to be giving out discounts all throughout Black Friday weekend and on Cyber Monday. And for even more merch, check out our Team Coco Swag through Redbubble, who will also be doing major Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales. Come on. This is what I'm getting my family for Christmas. I love you,

kids. Here's merch with daddy's face on it. Go to Podswag.com and Redbubble.com for all your holiday shopping needs. Happy shopping and happy holidays. Yeah. There's some products that I can't talk about enough. Products that I believe in so much that, no, seriously, I have to talk about them again and again and again until people get it. And one of those is fracture. No, seriously, I know you may have heard me talk about fracture before, but I'm going to go at it again because I don't think you get it. I really don't think you're listening to me. Everyone out there who's listening right now takes photos and you share photos. Oh, good for you. I took a photo. Look at my photo. I got a photo. It's on paper. Oh, look at mine. It's on my phone. Well, good for

you. Who cares? That's what everyone does with their photos, but not fracture. These prints that fracture makes are made by printing directly on glass. You're writing this down directly on glass and then your photo is on glass and you can display it and it's on glass. It even includes a wall hanger so you can hang it up on the wall and see that it's glass. They're cool looking. They sent us one. It was really amazing. The prints are made in Gainesville, Florida, a place I can't talk enough about. You love Florida. I do. And my favorite part of Florida, as I've said, is Gainesville. So spring. You mentioned spring, didn't you, Sona? I did. It's the season. Yeah, you didn't mention it though. I didn't. I didn't. I wasn't sure if

you wanted to say. Spring is a time of refreshing and renewal. Fracture encourages you to refresh your walls. See what I did there? Yeah. Shelf spaces this spring with the moments that matter most to you by putting your photographs on glass. And I'm telling you, we got one of these. Fantastic. Yeah. And when I got it, I said, I remembered, you said, oh, you'll probably want to talk about this a couple of times. And I'll say, Sona, I'm going to want to talk about this many, many, many times. Yeah. Because fracture puts your photographs on glass. And it looks awesome. And I'll fight anybody who says that it doesn't look awesome because it does. And no one says that because it always looks awesome. Visit FractionMe.com slash Conan for a special discount on

your first fracture order. Don't forget to pick Conan O'Brien. He's a friend in there. One question survey. One question survey. I don't have time for a survey. It's one question. Okay, I have time. After checkout to tell them who sent you. FractionMe.com slash Conan. Don't blow it. Fracture. They know it. I don't have a tattoo. But if I did have a tattoo, I would get one that said it's all about the undies. Okay. I do believe that it all starts with picking the right underwear in the morning. It does. Get the right underwear because it's the first layer that goes on and it covers essential areas. So you want to have the right underwear. Do you not? Do you believe that underwear is important? I do. I don't like the way you say things like essential areas. I think it's

the essential areas. You owe it to yourself to wear the softest undies in town. They're making me say that. But seriously, you do. That's why I love me undies. Me undies uses the coveted micromodal fabric. That's a full three times softer than cotton. Hey, cotton can suck it because three times softer is micromodal fabric. Take a hike, cotton. Take a walk, cotton. Just move on down the road, cotton because micromodal fabric's in town. Yeah, cotton can suck it. Take it easy. I'm sorry. I did it once and that was enough. I was piling on. Not only will you feel like your loins are being hugged by joy itself. Oh my god. Me undies gives you multiple style options for both men and women. You know, men can try the

boxer brief with fly. It's the same great cut as boxer brief but with an added option for guys who prefer to go through the gate versus over the fence. These are terms I've never used in my real life but I read the copy. What if you want to go around the fence instead of through the gate? I'm confused. Me undies is also the go-to for the softest loungewear on the planet, including super comfy lounge pants and onesies because you know what, sometimes on a weekend, I like to just lounge around the house and I like to wear loungewear when I'm doing it. Like a onesie. Yeah. You like to wear onesies. A little trap door near the butt. Anyway, me undies, they've sent us this stuff. We all wore it. We all wear it. I love it. I love every

time they send us the shipment of this stuff. It's fun. And you know what, it also goes quickly. We put the box out of me undies before you and I can even get to it. Yeah. People were Aaron Blair over in Digitals grabbing the me undies and he wears sometimes four me undies at a time. It's ridiculous. Weird, right? Yeah. What's that? They're great. He's wearing one on his head right now. Now me undies has a great offer from my listeners. Any first-time purchasers get 15% off a pair of the most comfortable undies you will ever put on and that's right. There's more free shipping when you go to meundies.com slash Conan. That's meundies.com slash Conan to get your 15% off your first pair of free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee. Ah, me undies.

Hmm. Various areas. If it's okay, so now I'd like to talk about a sensitive issue. That's cool with you. It's about guys and a certain health problem. And I'm going to say this as delicately as I can, but it's erectile dysfunction. You know, that's something that some men struggle with. And there's this product, Roman, that's created an easy way to get checked out by a doctor and then get treated. There's no awkward face-to-face where you say to the doctor or your dentist or whoever you're going to, I need an erectile dysfunction drug. I had a guy fitting me for orthotics once at a shoe store. And I said, can you get me an erectile dysfunction

drug? I was escorted out of the shoe store very quickly. Anyway, you handle everything online. All you have to do is visit getroman.com slash Conan, get FDA approved erectile dysfunction meds delivered to your door discreetly. Maybe they even could put something else on the package. Here's that drug you need to keep you from having a constant erection. Oh, God. Wouldn't that be great? Like, yeah, man, I'm just ready to go 24-7. And it's a problem because I work literally around humble figurines and I'm always smashing them. Man, even Gorley's laughing at this one. It's too specific. I know, but you work at a humble figurine store. You've got a constant erection. You turn, what's that? Smash. What? Is it to my

right smash? You just broke 35 little humble figurines. The poor little alpine boy and later who was in hiking up a hill. He knew what he was in for. And that's an idea. If Roman wants to use that, go ahead and use it. For a free online visit, go to getroman.com slash Conan. Roman, it's time to have an erection again. It's a terrible slogan. Try to think of a slogan. Roman, it's time to have an erection again. I don't see what's wrong with that. Roman, can you imagine if we got like James Earl Jones to say that? Roman, it's time to have an erection again. That's a good, I don't see anything wrong with that. That tells you exactly what's happening with this product. You're welcome, Roman. You can have that for free. God, I don't understand

how you make money in this business. He's drawing pictures of erections on his head. In all fairness, those pictures of erections were drawn long before I read this ad. You know, some artists work in clay, some in oils. I draw erections very well. You know what I'm really happy about right now? My parents don't know how to get a podcast. Okay, we're back. We hope you're enjoying our kind of best of show. If you can call this best of, maybe it's worst of, I don't know, but this is a special podcast dedicated to playing some of our best slash worst slash most unprofessional ads that we've done over the last couple of years. And as an exciting twist, we're going to actually have a real current ad break in this episode,

which means I know you said you didn't get paid for these ads that rerun, but you're about to get paid for some ads that will be dynamically inserted and international audiences. Once again, you're out of luck. That's terrible. So we're going to great lengths right now to make sure that the international audience can hear our ads and also to make a show of how we don't need to make money off these old ads. And then some terrible man has inserted real ads into this podcast without my permission, the old bait and switch scam. God, this enrages me. Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. So, um, and I wish I was more involved in the podcast, but I'm so involved in my humanitarian projects around the world that, well, I get distracted,

you know, oh, so you'll be donating the income of this episode to your charities. What's that? I can't hear you. You're breaking up. Yeah. And these are ads you read. You are the one who, who's saying these ads. So what, where did you think they were going to go? I'm just, I'm confused in general. I thought I was leaving voicemails. I didn't, I didn't realize these were advertisements I was doing. And I thought that these were voicemails and that this was for charity. And so now that you know that you're still okay with this going ahead? Well, I think there's nothing to do now. I think that should, my favorite, one of my favorite expressions is that ship has sailed. Okay. Far be it for me to stop the machinery of commerce. I am just but one man. So, as much

as I'd like to stop this, I think we must now proceed with some real ads that are much less funny than the ones you're going to hear on the special. We'll be right back with some more ads after these ads. That are actually funny after these ads, which will be less funny. Do you understand? No, but let's do this. Okay. My head, my head is splitting. All right. We're back with our exciting special episode dedicated to some of our favorite silly or disastrous ad reads. And Matt Gorley, what is the next theme that we'll be pursuing? The next is a series of three food ads, which is very exciting. Sona, I know you're a big foodie. What? What the hell was that? What happened there, Matt? I think he got scared

that he said you eat like he was dissing you in some way. That's right. That's exactly right. Well, we all know you eat a lot of food, Sona. Because the thing is, Sona is not a foodie. She just eats food. You're right. Let me tell you what happened. I've eaten before. These ads are about food. These are food ads and it says in parentheses, AKA Sona's love of food. So I was going to say that, but I didn't want it to come across like all you do is eat. Well, that's exactly what happened. That's exactly what happened. That happened though. That was the result of what happened. Well, I do love food. Can I just say you appreciate food? I do. And I think that that's the way to put it, not in Matt's crass way. And that's just more whatever. I don't know what Matt's

problem is, but I myself, Conan, being more sensitive and also a real diplomat, I think you appreciate food. And I think that's a lovely quality you have. Thank you. And you're a remarkable person. Oh, wow. Okay. But I do notice in a lot of the food ads, you're always like, hey, Sona, you like this food. And then I'll always have to be like, yeah, I love that food. And then that's like the ad. Would you like me to show a montage over the 13 years that you've worked for me from the television show, including the tour and beginning in 2010, all the way to just last year, the montage of all the many times we've shot remotes and you happen to be eating food in the background. Would you want me to do that? I don't think so. No, I really don't want you to do

that. I don't want to do either. That would take a lot of time and money. And that's a lot of footage. Okay. Trust me. I don't think there's time enough. Anyway, please. Well, again, apologies for Matt Gorley and a prize to Conan O'Brien for handling this very adroitly. Oh, thank you. Here's the word right here. Oh, beautiful. It's made of gold. All right, let's continue. Matt, take it away. Here we go. I'm in a van in Ghana. That's some music playing on a car next to me. And when I'm in Ghana, I think of one thing. Unforgettable creamy Heinz mayonnaise. Put it on a mouthwatering turkey club, mix it in with some garlic aioli man. You know what you're talking about. So when you're

in a van in Ghana, make sure you have your creamy Heinz mayonnaise with you. Don't forget those new Heinz mashups. Everyone's talking about it here. Mayo chup, mayo queue, mayo must, and crotch van in Ghana. Try something new. Try unforgettable creamy Heinz mayonnaise. I lobster bites are back at Long John Silver's me mateys. The copy actually says they want me to read it this way. Now guests can set sail to Long John Silver's for a treasure of tasty delights. This is the kind of thing I would do to make fun of the ad or just be or whatever. This is how I order a pizza when I order a pizza over the phone. Anyway, made of wild caught 100% Norway lobster tail, Long John Silver's lobster bites, pair the sweetness of lobster tail with a light

buttery breading. Hey, a light buttery breading to pack a flavor adventure in every bite. Yep, they got those lobster bites and fish combo. Yeah, that's got one side to hush puppies and a drink or go bigger with their lobster bites and fish platter with two sides and two hush puppies. I don't know why Kennedy came in. Anyway, go even beg a with the lobster bites family feast with your choice of fish or chicken, lobster bites, your choice of two sides and eight hush puppies. So now it's Kennedy and the pirate. Anyway, Long John Silver's offers an abundant seafood variety to create prices. Order in restaurant or sail past the line with online ordering at ljsilvers.com for pickup and delivery. Visit ljsilvers.com to learn more. Well, we've hit

a certain level at the podcast where we're going to be promoting dairy farmers of Ontario. Okay. We have finally reached this point. Remember when we started doing the podcast and I said, hey, when we get to talk about dairy farmers of Ontario, I'll know that we've crashed through the ceiling and then we're in the stratosphere. Well, guess what? That's what I'm talking about. Dairy farmers of Ontario have tasked me, Conan O'Brien, with talking about all the essential nutrients packed into every glass of Ontario made milk in the length of this ad. So here it goes. First of all, true story. When someone gives me a glass of milk in a restaurant, I say, is this Ontario made? If they say no, I throw it across the room as hard as I can, smashing the

glass against the wall and then I jump out the window even if it's a seventh floor story restaurant. Hey, what's in the dairy farmer of Ontario milk? I'll tell you, calcium. You all knew that protein and vitamin D as well. Guess what? Magnesium helps keep them bones healthy. Yeah, thiamine, niacin, they rhyme, they help with normal growth. Vitamin A is in there. Potassium helps with muscle function. I could use that. What? Pantothenic is in there. Acid, riboflavin. Pantothenic acid. Don't tell me I said pantothenics in there and also acid or as you call it, pantothenic acid. Riboflavin's in there. They also got vitamin B6. If I ask someone, is this milk have vitamin B6 and they say no, you know what I do? I flush it down the toilet

with the glass, often injuring the toilet. B12, red blood cell formation. Selenium helps protect against oxidative stress. My worst kind of stress. Zinc helps keep your skin healthy. Phosphorus helps you glow at night. Wait, that's not right. Helps maintain healthy teeth. Boom! All 15 nutrients in milk. Calcium is just the start. Let me tell you something. You want to get your milk at the right place? I'll tell you where to get it. Dairy farmers of Ontario. They're the ones, they've got the milk, they've got the cows and they know what they're doing. Learn more about milk's nutrients at whatcan'tmilkdo.ca. I know you're probably going on that site now. Again, that's whatcan'tmilkdo.ca. Yes, because really, what can't milk do?

Okay, there were food ads, if you can even call those ads. I don't know what they are. We are now going to take a break. Again, it's a little complicated. If you live in the United States or Guam, you will now hear real ads because that's how this works. These are real ads now, not best of ads. Not that I have anything against any of the products being advertised that you're about to hear. Again, if you're in the rest of the world, you will not hear these ads now. But you don't care, really, because why would you? It's really, you're hearing the ones that are funny. That's the important thing. There, I think I handled that very well. This has to be a first in podcasting and stupidity, but just the fact that this episode is even happening.

Think of how meta this is. We have an episode dedicated to old ads that we find ridiculous and unprofessional, and we're playing those, but then taking breaks to play current ads. I think the world is folding in on itself. I think the snake is eating its own tail, and I think these are end times. Is it possible to be groundbreaking and completely regressive at the same time? Oh, yeah. Lots of terrible things are groundbreaking. I mean, COVID is groundbreaking, but no one's happy about it. I'm sorry. I just likened our ad episode to a deadly virus that's pretty much put the earth on hold for two years. Enjoy. Okay, we are back. Once again, you're listening to our special best of episode

of our ad reads that maybe went off the rails for one reason or another. Now we're going to move on to a fascinating area, tech advertisements. We're very fortunate that these very cool, sophisticated tech companies seem to like advertising with our podcast. Obviously, there's a lot for me to learn from these tech ads because, as many of our fans may know, I'm not the most sophisticated 21st century dude. I think that's fair to say. I'm a little behind the times, and so I'm always trying to catch up. I'm always trying to catch up in the area of technology. We have these cool advertisers, and it's great. I'm learning from them. I really am. I'm learning about so much that's happening in the 21st century, and let's face it,

if it weren't for these ads, I'd be in my house just peering out the window, afraid, deathly afraid of the modern era. But these ads, I think they're keeping me hip. They're keeping me a real relevant dude. I don't know if I'd go that far. I don't know if I'd go that far, but you're right. I think that these ads are a good opportunity for us to learn new stuff that we never would have otherwise learned about. Because of these ads, I'm a real tech dude, and I think that I'm making things better by talking this way. Nope, nope, nope, nope. But I do love it. I love that all these software companies are joining us and joining our team. I think it just makes me a real sophisticated,

futuristic dude. Nope, nope, nope. That's what I think. Sorry, I had to jump in. Absolutely not. No, I don't think there are enough tech ads in the world, but I do think that it is definitely teaching you something, and that's cool. I'm a future tech dude, cool dude, software dude. I get it. When I walk down the street, a lot of people that work in Silicon Valley high-five me and say, yeah, you're my hero. They say things like, yeah, get that all the time. Yeah, it's true. True story. I walk with you a lot. I've never seen that happen. It's usually when you're turned away because you see something that you're interested in, maybe a hot dog stand or something, and what? I said, oh, hot dog stand. Yeah,

exactly. And whenever you're turned away, people say, hey, I used to really revere Steve Jobs, but now you're a tech dude. No, stop, stop. Also, I'll tell you something else. There have been a bunch of ads that I've done, and fans yell out the product to me on the street. Yeah. Oh, yeah. One is Magoosh. Right. But I can't walk anywhere without people. I'll be with my family, and we're headed to some solemn occasion, or we're headed out of a funeral or something, and people will go, Magoosh. And my kids are like, what's happening? What kind of foolish man are you? But that's true. Sometimes I will get a little crazy because the ads, they become, it's like a little earworm that gets in my ear, and then I just can't help it, and I

go a little insane and spend seven minutes talking about a product that only needed a 60-second ad. And to that point, the ads became so cumbersome that I actually stopped doing them, basically refused, and unfortunately, that burden has fallen to Mars Melnick who does a wonderful job, and we should mention she's putting together this episode as well. So she's really doing the Lord's work where I have completely run from the problem. Oh, it's my pleasure. Thank you. Thank you, Mars. And let me point out to show you how not tech savvy I am. I was complimenting Mars when we started this and we're all on Zoom. I was complimenting Mars on her lovely home. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I was complimenting Mars on her lovely home, and I was saying,

I just really love like your, your, your room is so, your room. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. That's why you're laughing so hard. I was like, your room is so nice. And oh my God, it's so cute. And I was like trying to look closer at her room. Mars, tell me what your room is. Okay. So my Zoom background is a screenshot of the inside of a house from the game Animal Crossing. And listeners, you should know this is so obviously a computer rendering also. The perspective is completely off. So it looks like Mars is like eight feet above floating in the room. Let me, let me, in fairness, let me say the boxes on the Zoom are small. And I just saw Mars in what looked like a very cheerful, happy environment. And I complimented her on her decorating.

And then she tells me pretty much, Hey, old man, you idiot, this is a virtual room that's on a game. Conan, we haven't told you that Mars is completely AI. She's the first ever AI podcast editor. That is correct. I was wondering why we didn't have to pay her. I was really curious. We paid her in Bitcoin. We pay her in little Pac-Man dots. Uh-oh, no one knows what I'm talking about. Listen, I'm just saying that's how lost I am. But thank you very much, Mars. You do an amazing job. And I'm going to double down and say, I think you have the loveliest home I've ever seen. Thank you. And I'm very happy that you're 11 feet tall. Let's get to these ads. So if you do hear these and want to buy one of these products,

just know that these promo codes are very likely expired. Oh, yeah. Right. When I say, Hey, go sign up for this. Here's the promo code. These companies probably ditched our asses a long time ago. Yeah. Unless it was within the real ad breaks that we took twice during this episode, then go for it. Oh my God. Stop mentioning those. It's too complicated. All right. Let's take a listen. I can never find software solutions. I just can't. I really can't. I have so much trouble finding software solutions. You know, for example, when you're trying to get a sweet deal online or

find the best happy hour in town, it's good idea to read the reviews first, right? So shouldn't you have the same thing when you're looking for software solutions? Why should it be any different? You know, this is what's great. You can read thousands of real software reviews. And you know what? Wow. What I want to do that. I want to read thousands of real software reviews. And I want to do it at Captera.com slash Conan. Captera is the leading free online resource to help you find the best software solution for your business with over 850,000 reviews of products from real software users and more than 700 specific categories of software from email marketing to

yoga studio management. So the best petting zoo in your town. Wait, I just threw that last one in. Captera has everything you need to make an informed decision fast. So if you're looking for software solutions, you want to go with Captera, you know, 850,000 reviews. If you read all of those, your life would be over. You'd be dead. You'd finish the last one and they would just close the lid on you. Captera, have you used Captera, Sona? Yes. And you liked it, right? I did. I really enjoyed it. I did. I was looking for software and I did go on Captera and I did read a review and I got that software. The software. Yes. Hey, Conan, why don't you talk about your personal experience for this? Well, I'll tell you. I was looking for software. So I went and I looked at

the software reviews and that helped me choose the software. Okay. Yeah. And so yeah, what about you? Have you ever used? Well, I was looking for software as well. And moreover, I wanted some software solutions because I had some software problems when I found those. What have I said? When you're looking for software solutions, choose Captera. Yeah. And it was the 849,000 review that finally got me. Yeah. So visit captera.com slash Conan for free today to find the tools to make an informed software decision for your business. Captera.com slash Conan, that's C-A-P-T-E-R-R-A. So humiliating when they make me spell it.com slash Conan. Do it now. Don't be a fool. Now, Sonia, you'll attest that this is true. I don't often fire people. No. People tend

to work for me for a very long time. But when I do fire someone, I really like having their replacement right there when I tell them. I just always think that that's just a cool touch. Extra cruel. You know what I'm saying? You're out of here, Bub. Meet Joe. Sorry, Kevin. This is Steve. You make them meet each other. Yes. And then I show the second guy, the new guy, the first guy's desk and space as he's digesting the news that he's been let go. That's not cool. You know, I don't really do that. But that's the kind of thing that my evil brain thinks of. Let's say I really did want to have someone's replacement standing right there. How would I find them? I'll tell you how. How? No, I already said I'll tell you

how. You didn't need to do that. Sorry. I did that part for you. ZipRecruiter.com. ZipRecruiter is not like other job sites. It finds qualified candidates for you. So let's say Sonia, you and I got into a disagreement or some kind of kerfuffle and I had to let you go. ZipRecruiter would find me someone with the right skills, education and experience to replace you instantly and then I could introduce that person to you as I fire you. Isn't that amazing? Would you make me train them too? What training? Be serious, Sonia. What training? Here's how you forget Conan's lunch. Here's how you hang up on Conan's mom. All right. Pretty funny, huh? No. That was good. I don't like it. That torpedo hit directly in the middle of the SS

Moisesian. I don't like it. You went under the waves very quickly. Anyway, ZipRecruiter.com actively invites people to apply to your job. You get qualified candidates. Guess what ZipRecruiter is rated by employers in the US? Number six. Nope. Try again. Number three. Nope. Try again. Number two. Nope. Try again. Number five. Oh my God. Number one. Number one. My listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash Conan. That's C-O-N-A-N. They always make me spell it out, which is humiliating for me. I'm a national treasure. Can Abe Lincoln have to go? That's Abe. Abe. Lincoln. I'm supposed to give a speech here at Gettysburg today. That's Abe. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Conan. ZipRecruiter,

the smartest way to hire. That's Conan. C-O-N-A-N. Damn. I know I'm getting on in years, but I do work with a lot of younger people and they seem to know what's going on. Sona, you're a big fan of Hotel Tonight. I am. A lot of empty hotel rooms out there, waiting to be booked at the last minute. Hotel Tonight knows about those hotel rooms, so you can get a pretty good deal at the last minute or even if you're planning ahead, you can get a pretty good deal. Aaron Blair, who works in our digital department, you're a big fan of Hotel Tonight. Actually, the past two weekends, I have gone to Portland and to the Sundance Film Festival and I used Hotel Tonight for both of those to get hotel rooms in

both cities and it was awesome. What's so awesome about it? They were great hotels. The first one in Portland, they had a wine tasting every night for an hour. Does that mean it's free of the wine? Yeah, it's free. Wait, I want in on this. Yeah, use Hotel Tonight. When I hear free alcohol, I'm there. One of the nights, it wasn't wine, it was cider. They switched it up. It was amazing. I don't want cider, I want wine. It was alcoholic cider. It was really good cider. Oh, it's hard cider. Yes, hard cider. As long as the pain goes away, I'm happy. It went away very quickly. And then when I went to Utah to Sundance, my hotel had a fireplace in it, a washer dryer, a kitchen. It was incredible. It felt special. Right. And I think the hot tub was open extra late.

Were you that creepy guy that hangs out in the hot tub too long? I was the creepier guy who was just seeing who was in the hot tub. Oh my God. I could see it from your look. I could see it from my room. Could the people in the hot tub see you staring at them? I mean, do you want the truth? Yes. I turned the lights off so they couldn't see them. Oh my God. Guys, the point is this is not the kind of person who usually uses Hotel Tonight. Hotel Tonight, listen, Hotel Tonight, what we did learn from Aaron that was useful is that great hotel rooms, what we learned, what was disturbing is that sometimes he likes to turn the lights off in his room and watch people in the dark who are using the hot tub. But to be fair, that could happen at any

hotel. So, I mean, and who among us hasn't done that? Me. I haven't done that. What's that? Oh, please. I haven't done that. You look like a peeper if there ever was one. What? Anyway, Hotel Tonight, just start scoring amazing deals at incrediblehotels. Go to hoteltonight.com or download the app. Now, have you used the app, Blay? I have. That's how I did it. And actually, you know what? I got both hotel rooms far in advance. I didn't do it by F. Yeah. That's cool, too. Yeah, it was awesome. So, there was a highly recommended. Okay. Sorry about the hot tub thing. No. Did you know in advance that you were going to appear at people from your dark room at the hot tub? No. It was more of a game time decision. Okay. You know. Right. Yeah. Sorry. Okay. How

long did you stare at them? I mean, well, not very long, but I was checking back a couple of times. No, I just felt like a creep. I was just seeing what was going on. You know, I was just seeing. Sure. Why'd you turn off the lights then? Because I didn't want people to see that I was looking down there because it's creepy. Sana, call the police. Okay. Hotel Tonight. Make it right. Hotel Tonight. Join the fight. Hotel Tonight. Walk towards the light. No, that means you die. Hotel Tonight. It will delight. Okay. God, I really don't know why people let me do this. Hey, support for Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend comes from Rocket Mortgage. You know, getting a mortgage, it's, well, it's a necessary part of the home buying process for many. And it could be

a hassle, right? It doesn't have to be. I mean, you got a mortgage when you got your house, right? I did. And it was a hassle. And so it would be really nice if it wasn't. Did you mention I work for Conan O'Brien? I did it. No one cared. Oh, do you want to change that? Do you want to try that again? What? Okay, go ahead. Ask me again. No, I'm not going to now. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'm going to ask again. So you wanted to get a mortgage and you were worried how it would go to influence them. Did you mention that you worked for Conan O'Brien? No, should I have? No, I like your first answer better. Yeah, I did. And it didn't matter. Yeah, it didn't matter. Yeah, I didn't really mean for you to change it. Well, then why did you ask me again?

Because I thought you'd be funny and say the same thing again twice. I know, but I thought you were serious. With Rocket Mortgage, you can see your loan options closing costs and more online. Yes, exactly. Thank you, Goorley. You righted the ship. Rocket Mortgage gives you the tools you need to understand all your home loan options and purchase with certainty, not confusion, your loan options, closing costs, tax estimates, more online in real time to get the full picture before anything's finalized. What I like about Rocket Mortgage, they work at your pace. Oh, sometimes I go to like a company that's going to help me get a mortgage and I'll be like, so do you mind working at my pace? And they're like, no, you work at my pace. Yeah, they suck. And I'm like, come on, mortgage

company. And then finally I go, you know what, I'm going to rocket. And they're like, what? And I said, I'm going to rocket. And they're like, why? And I said, because they work at my pace. And they went, damn you, Rocket Mortgage. With industry leading technology, Rocket Mortgage only offers 24 seven access to your loan info. Didn't have the time to say information, but also tools, information and expertise. That's why they can have information twice. So one was info. Yeah, if you have any questions now or along the way, their online homebuyers guide has tons of great help. You should have used Rocket Mortgage when you got your house. I should. I still don't understand how a mortgage works. I have a Rocket Mortgage. Do you really? Yeah, I refinanced

through Rocket Mortgage. Oh, very nice. It was great. And what did you do with the extra cash when you refinanced? It sucked it away for a rainy day. Nice. What a sexy story. Why did you say it? I have no idea. I was wondering when it came out. What an exciting story. I got some extra money, some mad money. What did you do with it? Well, if you don't tell anybody, I won't tell anybody. I sucked it away for a rainy day. You're insane, man. You're burning the candle at both ends. You're going to die. Yeah, die young. Leave a good looking course, it's gory. Well, anyway, when you need a mortgage lender that fits your life, Rocket can get started online at RocketMortgage.com slash Conan. Call for cost information and

conditions, equal housing lender, license in all 50 states, NMLSconsumerAccess.org. Number 3030. Oh my god, I'm so excited. I am so excited I get to do this ad again. Planned to take the GRE, the GMAT, the LSAT, or the MCAT. Well, guess who can help you? Who? Magoosh. Magoosh, online test prep can help. Yes, I did an ad for them once and I couldn't stop saying Magoosh. I said it for days afterwards. I drove everyone into Magoosh. You know who provides the flexibility to study from home with tons of practice questions, study schedules, video lessons, and free apps? Ask me who? Who, Conan? Magoosh. Plans are affordable, they got a great tutoring team. If you're retaking a test, guess who offers a score

improvement guarantee? Who? Magoosh. If you don't improve, you get your money back. Who else does that? Study materials are always up to date, super relevant to the questions you'll actually get on the test. Here's an actual quote from a student. Shout out to the math videos for really helping me understand some concepts I've struggled with for years. How do you shout out to a math video? Oh, God, I hope that kid's okay. I wonder how he did. Anyway, another kid said, I love the bite size modules, practice problems, inability to move at a fairly rapid pace. I think that kid probably did okay. One of the kids said, shout out to the videos. Another one went, I love the bite size modules. We all know who got the higher score there. Listen,

all I can tell you is that studying for these tests, there's a lot of pressure, so I'm sure you took a test at some point and it was probably a lot of pressure. Yeah, I took the MCAT and it was really hard. You know what I bet you wish you had? Magoosh. Visit magoosh.com. That's M-A-G-O-O-S-H. That's right, magoosh.com. End of the promo code, Conan, for a 20% off discount. I'm going to start doing these ads for free. I shouldn't say that. Adam's going to take this out, but I love saying Magoosh so much that if they don't pay us to do the ad, I'll do them anyway. Oh no, that's undercutting our bottom line. Boo, boo. That's magoosh.com. End of the promo code, Conan, for a 20% off discount. Who? Magoosh. Pretending I'm actually in a canyon. Magoosh,

Magoosh, Magoosh, Magoosh, Magoosh. Well, that about does it. There you have it. That was our best of, or you could call it worst of, whatever you like, ad reads that have been on Conan O'Brien needs a friend. I never claimed to be a professional ad reader and maybe people out there who are professional ad readers just heard this podcast and they're enraged with me. Furious that I'm such a goofball, but there you have it. That's how we roll. Is that fair to say, Sona? I think it is. It's strange because I think you have a natural ability to read ads. That's a really good talent to have. Also, these are companies that like what we're doing and they're joining our struggle to bring Conan O'Brien needs a friend into every household in the world. I know that's

not really how podcasts work. Is that our goal? Yes. I want to be on every device. That's my goal and I won't rest till that happens. I'm so glad that we have so many people helping us out in this, I think, very noble struggle. Noble. Noble into every phone, into every car, into every household in the known world. That's what I think we should do. And so we're a little step closer after this tribute. That's right, tribute to my ads that I've done when Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Well, that's about as humble as an ending as I can give you. I hope you all enjoyed it. We might try it again sometime. We'll check and see what the listeners think and then probably do it again anyway. Take care and good night.

Liable for any of your successes or failures in connection with the information, views, products, or services presented to you here. The ads were created for advertising purposes at a prior date. Some of these promo codes have expired. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Yearwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering by Will Bekton. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production.