Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Patton Oswalt

Episode Date: April 15, 2019

Comedian and actor Patton Oswalt feels anxious about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Patton and Conan sit down to talk about remembering comedy misfires, SNL’s best hosts from the sports world, getting screwed over by decency, the importance of spellcheck, and recapturing the magic of breakfast cereal. Plus, Conan gets to the bottom of a sweatpants mystery during a game of True or False with Sona Movsesian.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Yousician (www.yousician.com/CONAN code: CONAN), State Farm (www.statefarm.com), Instacart (www.instacart.com code: CONAN), The Great Courses Plus (www.thegreatcoursesplus.com/CONAN), Quip (www.getquip.com/CONAN), ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/CONAN), and Calm (www.calm.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Pat Noswalt, and I feel anxious about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hey there, welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, because it's time a middle-aged white man had a podcast in America, in my opinion. Okay, enough is enough. And I'm joined by my chuckling assistant, Sona Mostessian. How are you, Sona? Hi Conan, I'm good. Yeah? Yeah. I'm excited about today's show. Matt Gorley, how are you? I'm a middle-aged man. Yep, spoken like a true middle-aged white man. Thank you for speaking for us, by the way. Someone had to. Yeah. I don't like this. You don't like this? Well, you speak for, Sona, you speak for young women, empowered young women who are, you are two-thirds Armenian, one-third Greek. How was it worth? I am three

quarters Armenian, one-quarter Greek. Okay. And yeah, that's a very specific demographic, but I've got that unlock. Who live in Glendale, California? Yeah. Is that where your people are? Who are my people? What do you mean? You're relatives. You can't say things like your people. I meant your relatives, your mother, your father. People say to me all the time, how are your people? And I think like, oh yeah, my dad's doing fine. Oh, I thought you met Armenians in quarter Greeks. No. Who goes around saying, hey, how are the Armenian quarter Greeks doing? Because that's what you're talking about. You're talking about our, you know, who we were. I'm hanging out with a bunch of quarter Greeks tonight. Hey, kiss me. I'm quarter Greek.

I don't like it. Hey, there's a quarter Greek parade tomorrow. What's all, do anyone want to go to the quarter Greek parade with me? You want to get some quarter Greek food? I would love some. Okay. Let's get some quarter Greek yogurt. And then there's a quarter of a fruit at the bottom. Okay, I've had a small aneurysm being treated now. I don't want to waste time today. Enough of your gibberish and your babbling. I'm trying to keep this ship headed into port. You two are fooling around on the poop deck. So let's get things straight. Before we get to our guests, who I really want to talk to, let me mention quickly, if you like my travel shows, we got another one, Conan Without Borders Australia, airs on Wednesday, April 17th at 10 o'clock PM on TBS. It's a good

one. I think you'll enjoy it. And more episodes of Conan Without Borders are streaming now on Netflix.com slash Conan. All right. The time has come. And sitting with me today, I'm very happy. It's such a brilliantly funny man. Mr. Patton Oswald. Hey, Patton. Do you have any anxiety about us being friends? The only anxiety is that low level anxiety that any comedian gets hanging out with another comedian, where you don't want to walk away feeling like, oh God, they don't think I'm funny or I just wasted an hour of their time. Wow. So you feel that? Because we've known each other for a long time. Yeah. But I don't, you know, when you hang out with your friends, especially, you don't

want to feel like you're the riff killer or the party bummer sometimes. And there are some days where you're just off and you're hanging out. You're like, I just don't want to be the dead spot in the day. Can you, I'm guessing you can remember right now moments when you were around some of your comedic heroes and you slightly misfired. Oh, you didn't quite have it. And you, you think about it later on. It was, there was, I remember, oh my God, this just leapt to mind. I was hanging out one day. It was me, a comedian named Tony Kameen, Brian Posane. I think Blaine Capach, we were driving up, we were in San Francisco and we were in a car. So everyone just bink, bink back and forth, just digging riffs off of something. And I don't know what was going on.

But my riff gun was jammed and everything that I said, there was a, a just three seconds of the most ass grinding silence. And then I became, not only did I become aware of it, but then they became aware of it. So then after a while, when I would say, and it just would not, it was not funny. And then at one point, somebody tried to laugh, which made it sound even more mocking and horrible. That's the worst. So then they went out of their way, really not to laugh because then they didn't know what was going on. And it was, it got to be so bad. At one point, I said something and then there was another three seconds of silence. And then Tony Kameen went, patent, cut a joke. It was so exactly what had just happened. One of those times when it's just

not clicking. I have, I have an incredible memory for what didn't work. And this is much to the despair of my writers and anybody that's in my life. When things go well, and I've been fortunate enough that often things go well, I have no memory of it. But when something doesn't go well, I, 13 years later, a writer can pitch something and I'll say, Oh yeah, like, you know, Hindenburg's Mustard. And it's referring to like a weird sketch from 13 years ago that that writer pitched and it didn't work. And they'll be like, what? What? How do you remember Hindenburg's mustard? And I'll be like, well, you had the open and you had the middle, but the blow to the scene didn't really work. Did it? And they'll be like, you fucker. Yeah, you can literally remember the day it was

Tuesday, August 8th. We were in the writer's room. We had gotten quiz nose. Yeah. And like, you remember some reason that just, and especially I would imagine you in the writer's rooms that you've been in. Yes. In between, especially the Simpsons I've heard can be a very harsh, unforgiving writer's room when somebody pitches something and it just dies. Because everyone's trying to operate at a slightly higher level. I would say it was, of all the writer's rooms, the Simpsons had the most intense collection in one room of very, very high octane writers. That was intimidating. I mean, every single writer in that room was an all star. And I remember showing up there and being very intimidated. But in terms of actual fear, I think so are not live.

I think so are not live because it is, people are vying. There's a competition. There's very few slots to get sketches on. And there's only, you know, 20 episodes a year. And people are very aware, did I get something on this week? Did I not get something on this week? And you can smell it in the air. There's like a primal fear. And oh my God, it's a comedy writer's version of the movie, The Favorite. Yeah. You're all trying to vie for not only Lauren's approval, but whoever the guest star is that week. Right. But then that dynamic is ever shifting though. It always ends with me servicing Lauren. And this shot that stays on Lauren's face for a long time when he's looking off into the mid-distance and you're not quite sure who's serving who. Who's

serving who. But also it's got to shift because some weeks your guest host is Tom Hanks where you're like, okay, let's give this guy the Glen Gary leads. And then there's another week, if the host is Steven Seagal, you're like, well, maybe let's get him the best stuff that I have because it's just going to get crowned up. But it's also just, you know, this is reminding me, I'm having a flashback, a PTSD flashback too. The host of the show was legendary. You know, sometimes, yes, you get your Tom Hanks, you get your Steve Martin, you get your Robin Williams. We'd have all these people on where it was just an absolute joy. Yes. And then it was, the host was George Steinbrenner, the cranky oligarch who owned the Yankees. And he was,

I want to say, at the time, 74 years old, and this angry guy that only ate red meat and yelled at people and was constantly firing everybody and having feuds. He was the person, I remembered, we didn't have a monologue for him that week. And so Lauren, I was remembering, I was reminiscing recently, I think with John Mulaney about this, who of course was probably five at the time, but he, I was telling him about it. And was on his second season writing on the show. Exactly. Yeah. He was writing for the show in utero. But I remember there was some idea that wasn't even our idea. Someone, but there was a monologue and it was getting to be like Friday and there was no monologue for George Steinbrenner. And someone had pitched him an

idea and he had rejected it. And Lauren said to Bob Odenkirk and I, just go back and just pitch that again to George Steinbrenner. Just go in and pitch it to him. And we were sort of nervous. And we said, yeah, but he told us that he doesn't like that idea. And he said, well, just go back and just finesse it. And he'll like it this time. You'll see. So we went downstairs and Odenkirk and I are kids. We're in our 20s. And we go in and we walk in the room and we're like, Mr. Steinbrenner, hi. And he turns around, he wheels on us. And he's got this, I remember he had a giant World Series ring on his hand that weighed more than my head. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looked at us and he was like, what is it guys? And we were like, well, the monologue,

remember the idea where you come out? He was like, yeah, I heard that idea already. We were like, well, we just, we just, I said, no, I said, no, god damn it. I said, no, get the fuck out of here. And Odenkirk and I are genitals. His genitals went up into my body and my genitals went up into Odenkirk's body and we both turned to liquid and slithered under the door and decided, let's never be in comedy again. But to get, and then by, yell that by a guy who professionally knew how to like, you're off my team. He knew how to crush a spirit forever. Yeah. And you both went to the gap, got applications that day. Okay, then let me ask you something because I remember very distinctly in that episode, the George Steinbrenner one, I didn't know that. Which I won't remember. I only remember,

as I only remember negatives. Okay. Well, no, but they got him to do a sketch, like some kind of slim fast correction. And it's him and Pol Pot and some other horrible, horrible dictator talking about weight loss. And so I, who was the writer that got that idea through to him? He probably didn't know who Pol Pot was. Okay, there you go. That's how it got through. They probably, yeah, they may have said to him, he's a Pol Pot. You're like, no, he's an infielder for the, for the Indians. All right, let's just do it. I gotta get the hell outta here. Gotta get more red meat into my colon. Were you there? Were you writing when Charlton Heston hosted? I don't think so, no. Okay. I don't think so. Because he was a delight

as a host. Like he totally took the piss out of himself and... Oh, many times people would come. I mean, that's... Can you be shocked at how cool they were? Yeah. And I would say one of my favorite things. And this may be the same for you as meeting legends and people that you grew up. Here's my rule. If I grew up seeing them on television or in the movies, they will always be a God to me. Yeah. And there's this phenomenon where you and I get to meet really talented people who are our age. Right. Who are our age. Yeah, yeah. Or younger. And we're like, wow, I have a lot of respect for that person. But we don't go into a swoon when we see them. Right. I'm very happy and delighted to meet all these young people or even people who are my peers

who I think are extremely talented. But I'm not in awe. Do you know what I mean? And I think there's this weird thing about I can meet when I met Don Knotts. Wow. And he was a guest on my show. And it's Don Knotts. And I remembered sitting in a high chair watching the Mayberry show, the Andy Griffith show, and Don Knotts as Barney Fife. And I thought, I can't think of anybody who I'd be more excited to see than Don Knotts. And that would mean more to me than say as much as I admire President Obama. I'd be more excited about Don Knotts because I grew up seeing him. Exactly. Yeah. There is that weird, the generation before you and you see them walking among you, it does feel like you're having a visitation from some other worldly being in some ways when you

meet and you're like, oh, my God, that was that person right there. I mean, Don Knotts was, John Lyricette famously told the night court, I think he won like three or four Emmys or whatever it was. And he was about to tie or beat Don Knotts record. And John Lyricette told the night court people do not submit me next year. No one should win more Emmys than Don Knotts. Yeah. Like he wouldn't allow it. That's cool. Which is kind of, wow, okay. Or he put that story out after he lost. After he lost, yeah. That's what I would do. I would try and get it, not get it, and then say, I instructed my people. I don't know how my name got in there, but I made sure the voters didn't go for me. It's weird because I work with Paula

Pell, who I'm such a huge fan of. She was, she's on my show AP Bio and she wrote on SNL for years. Of course. Did you guys overlap? Yes. Well, I would be, I was around starting like, when I was, the years I was doing the late night show, I hosted once SNL, but I was around. So I knew Paula Pell. Right. And I'm a fan. And she told me some really fascinating stories about, and I won't repeat the names because they're more contemporary about hosts they had that were insane disappointments that kind of got like, never again, this is person coming back. Like, and I was kind of like, oh my God, some people that I didn't expect to be terrible hosts were terrible hosts. Right. And she goes, that's always a bummer when someone comes in and you were so

excited about their work. And they are just not on there. They just don't get the show or they're, they think they're a disruptor, man. And it gets really bad. It gets really bad. Yeah. She told me some real interest. You can tell the first night when there's a tradition where we all sit on the floor of Lauren's office. And I think this is, I'm sure that I don't think this has changed at all. I don't think anything's changed, probably since 1975. But we all sit on the floor of Lauren's office and, and people come in. The host comes in and sits in a chair. Lauren's behind his desk. The host is sitting in the chair. And the rest of us are either on couches or on the floor. And we all pitch to the host. That's usually the mood setter for the week.

Oh, that's when you can tell. You can tell right there. Wow. That, wow. Angela Merkel is not going to be fun. She's not going to be fun. She just wants, she wants the wigs and fake teeth. That's kind of all she wants. That's all she wants. Oh dear. She doesn't want to do our, yeah, sketch about it. But then how does it work with someone? Because then there, again, there are the Tom Hanks, the Steve Martins, the Alec Baldwin's. And I think you can almost put John Hamm and maybe Emma Stone is, and Melissa McCarthy, definitely. Where it's like, those are just givens. We're going to plug, even if they have nothing to plug, let's put them in because they will be amazing. And so we can all relax. Like, do you guys stockpile good stuff for the really

amazing host sometimes or? I'm going to say maybe some people did. I never did. I always felt as a sort of a desperation. Right. I just got a, this week, I didn't feel like I had, I didn't have the self-confidence to, this is really good, but I'm going to hold back this. Right, right. This is an A-side single, but I'm going to hold it back. I just, if I had something good, I was trying to get it on. One of the things that, and then we'll move off soon out live, because we should talk about you at some point. But one of the things that I always found really interesting is, yes, the Steve Martins and the Tom Hanks, and they're an absolute joy, but the flip side of that is that they're so versatile that to come up with something really

great for them is a challenge. One of the things that's really interesting, one of the things that's really interesting is that I always thought sometimes the jock who would come on, like, for example, Wayne Gretzky, I remember Wayne Gretzky came on and you could put him in anything and if he was, if a jock, if a great athlete or a politician who's out of there, who doesn't, doesn't have any acting ability at all, if they're game, suddenly it's hilarious. Exactly. It's really hilarious. If they're saying, hey, I'm going to go for it, they can be fantastic because they're not showing you their tour de force multifaceted abilities. They're just being, oh my god, it's really funny to see Wayne Gretzky or Brett

Favre or someone just give it a shot. It's fun. Yeah, who's the guy Eli Manning was shockingly a really funny host, like, genuinely nailed every sketch he was in. He was great. He knows what he was doing. You know what's funny? If this was a sports chat radio show, you'd never go, who's the guy Eli Manning? You can tell it's two comedy nerds. Yeah, exactly. Oh, there was that one guy. The guy who throws Michael Jordan with the basketball. Well, I remember when Obama was running against John McCain in 2008 and I knew, the moment that I knew, I mean, I didn't know Obama would win, but I knew that John McCain felt

like he was going to lose was, and this just as a comedian, when I was watching the Alfred A. Smith dinner, those are the ones where they both come out, they roast each other and Obama came out and was funny, but not great because he was like, if I fuck up one line here, I could blow this, I could blow this. And McCain went up and was so loose and so hilarious that as a comedian, like, he must be looking at some numbers and knows, well, I'm not going to win this. I want because he was so good and you never have better sets as a comedian when there's nothing at stake. Right. You know, I remember one of the best sets I ever had was when I was at the punch line and they were auditioning. They were doing another round of star search and

I was told by my manager, like, they've already passed on you. They want, like, these four people, but they need people to pad at social so that everyone else in the show was, like, got to get on star search and do my five minutes. And because I'm like, hey, they're not fucking looking at me. So I just did whatever I wanted and had such a great six. I'm like, how could I, I wish I could hire a hypnotist to recreate that mindset in my head before every show of like, well, it doesn't matter. And then I would just go out in a night. The reason I have a late night show is because there was an audition and I went to it thinking there was absolutely no way I'm going to be David Letterman's replacement. They're going to pick

Gary Shanling or some. Maybe there's a chance if I did well, I'd get a 530 in the morning, you know, you know, well, here's the cattle report. Exactly. Here's the crop report. But I so I was so loose that after I was done with it, I scared myself. Where did that come from? Oh, God, what have I just done? No, they might actually I might have to do this. That's awesome. Yeah, it truly is true that there and there's a lot of stories about people nailing auditions, getting iconic movie roles because they just didn't that was there. I mean, the famous story about Ghostbusters was Bill Murray did Ghostbusters so that Paramount or whatever studio was doing Ghostbusters would do Razor's Edge. So when he was doing the movie,

Ghostbusters, he's acting like I could give a shit about this, which is his character. And it's why he's so brilliant in the movie, because he's like, I, this is all stupid. I'm just a couple of takes and I'm going home. So that sometimes that attitude can really, really in the right circumstances, it just nails it. Yeah, I do think it's one of the things that helps with in comedy. I don't know if I'm sure you'll feel the same way. So you don't even have to agree that I'm just going to put you down as a brain with me. But there's something about doing thousands of hours of comedy, which both of us have done, where you get to a point where you've done it so much that when it's not going well, you don't feel like there's a knife at your

throat. Yes. And because you don't feel like there's a knife at your throat, you can almost enjoy that, yeah, this is, this is interesting. This isn't really going that well. And then you get silly and then you find stuff, you never tighten up. You get, well, the one thing that I've always said this is we've had nights, I'm sure you've had episodes of your show. I've had many nights on stage where you walk off and go, Oh my God, did I just eat the biggest turd? And then you wake up the next morning and world's still spinning. It didn't like, wasn't the end of the world. And then the turd had some nutrients and then ended up having some nutrients. It wasn't fully digested all the food cleared my skin. But and then that gets you over that fear. And then you in the,

and that intro to that SCTV box set that I remember buying and you wrote that intro and you said, this is the least needy comedy I've ever seen. I've always remembered that phrase, the best comedy is not needy. Yes. It's not desperately trying to get people to like it. And that's why always the best comedies are that way. It is, you could always tell, there was a kind of TV, I'm older than you, but I grew up, my TV era was mid to late 70s. And that's what I'm watching TV. And a lot of the comedy was very needy. Yes. Meaning there's only three networks and all the comedy is, I hope you like it. And like us, we're good people. We're good people. We're all nice people here. Yes. And that is, was this a comedic mindset. And then

I think it was one of the things that was really so revolutionary about the times we found ourselves in, especially in the cable world where people are making shows where it's, this is my dream. This is what I want to make. Yes. And you can like this or you can fuck off. Yeah. It doesn't really, it's not that important. I'd like to be able to do more of these. Right. And so I've always been attracted to, you know, SCTV had that kind of feeling of, this is what we're doing. Money Python. Yes. You know, I think one of the things that was so revolutionary about Money Python is they're doing this and they had no idea if anybody liked it. Exactly. And I've talked to people like Eric Idle and they're like,

we didn't know. We were just making it and cranking out for the BBC and not getting paid much. And we didn't get much feedback. And then they came to America a couple of years later and realized they were gods. Yeah. Like gods. It was like the Beatles. People were shouting their phrases. People were shouting phrases that they did not know were catchphrases. Like, oh, that was a cat. Okay. I, you know, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, which Eric Idle very famous said is one of the worst, one of the worst sketches ever on paper. It looks like gobbledygook. Right. And it can, and it only worked when he, he and Terry Jones actually acted it out in front of the other and then went, oh, okay, this is great. But it was one of those, you've got to let us just shoot this.

And this will work. I remember I got booked at a club called, and this is a real club. It was a real club. Sir laughs a lot in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Named after a real night. And actually, very, very obscure night that, yeah. And in the middle of my set, and it was getting nothing, this, and I never forgot this, this very, very well-dressed, distinguished looking older African American man stood up and said, where are the, where are the jokes in this? He just, and he wasn't yelling that he just went, where are the jokes in this? And the whole crowd's like silent. And I went, I'm getting to them. He goes, like, I think you really, really like doing this. Like, this is something that you seem to have a passion for. But I don't know if you have a talent for

this. And a lot of people have passion. Was it, was it Morgan Freeman? That's the thing. This was during this time. That would be intimidating. Yeah. Well, but this happened. Remember that period when there were all the, they, I think Chris Rock called it the magic Negro movies, where there was a, a black character that would help a white character, like guide them spiritually. So there's like the height of movies, like Legend of Bagger Vance, and, you know, all, and, and Morgan Freeman and everything. And it was just like, was, and I remember after, and by the way, as he sang all this, no one in the crowd is going, hey, sit down. They're all like, yeah, maybe listen to this guy. Yeah. And then I remember. It's almost like there's a halo behind

this guy. It was, it was weird. And then I remember going up in my room, like, was that my Bagger Vance? Am I not supposed to be doing like, because he was so articulate and he made such a good argument. I'm like, oh, dear God. I remember that in the, in the world of late night, and so many people come and go, but they're, you know, you see sometimes people get into late night and you'll even read interviews where they'll say, well, I'm going to do this for a little bit because I'm going to take a break from the, the movie career. And then I'm going to, or, or, or if this works, this is going to launch me into the action movie career. It's going to launch me into this or launch me into that. And I remembered we were doing some really weird sketches and,

and in on television and getting a paycheck and thinking, why would I can't leave this? Yeah. This is the only thing. It's not going to ever going to get better than this. No. You know, it's, I might, first of all, and I want to make it clear, no one was ever interested in putting me in a movie, nor should they be. So it's not like I was turning down any offers, but I remember it occasionally someone would say, well, do you ever think you'd want to, you know, maybe you could do a buddy movie like why? Yeah. Why would I know? I want to be, I will not work with as good a writers as they have around me right now. And what comes directly out of our head, we get to execute. We can execute whatever we can see. Yes. And it's even more fun because

we have such a limited budget. We have to think of really creative ways to pull it off. Yeah. Which makes it even more fun. Yeah. I mean, all that. So why would you, that's the, that's the dream of you're a comedian. Well, you know, it's funny. We did a thing. This will air a couple, probably a couple of days after this sketch aired, but we do a sketch where this very talented writer we have named Andre Dubichet. Oh my God. I love him. And he's in the audience and he's dressed up as one of the Game of Thrones characters. And he, I think that he's there because he loves Game of Thrones and, and he talks like a Game of Thrones, but then it turns out, no, he just really loves the show Walbergers. And I'm like, what? He's like, yes, Clan Walberg,

making hamburgers and arguing in Boston. And, but the sketch gets even stupider. That's the beginning of the sketch. But that's what I love. But then he has interns and his interns are Falcons. You know, like Falcons that come in to deliver information to me about what's coming up on Walbergers. But the thing that I love the most is that we just have stage hands with Falcons on sticks. Yeah, exactly. But at the end, at the end, he says, let us flee. And he runs up the, the stairwell of the audience. And he's followed. I always tell the director, stay wide so that we can see the stage hands running after him with long fishing poles, with birds hanging off of them. And I want you to stay on it until the last Union Stage Hand has made his way running up the aisle

with the fish pole. And I thought, if I had was smart and was looking after my finances, I would have gotten myself into a world of comedy where we animate the Falcons. Yeah, exactly. And all this kind of stuff. No, it's never going to get better than Union Stage Hand. That's the funniest thing. Running up the stairs with fish poles. Oh my God, I remember you would do these sketches. There was one sketch. I never forgot this when John Glaser played the house replacement host of the show, that guy Blaine. And you got sick and he was like, he'd been waiting for something to go wrong. Yeah. And it's his time and he has to go our next guest. He keeps saying goose and he's so,

but it went on for so long. And what was weird was the sketch ended up not working, not because it wasn't funny, but because John Glaser was so kind of emotional and pathetic as a character that the audience genuinely started rooting for him and got bummed when it wasn't working out for him. They're like, come on, Blaine. He's like, BT, it's BT. It's Blaine time. Come on, Blaine time. Do it. Come on, man. And the audience, it was like the sketch failed because it worked too well. Well, it's the other problem with, it's one of the other problems with someone said recently is it's, oh, audiences are just, they're caring too much sometimes. And I thought, that's true. Sometimes you're in front of an audience and you'll, and I'll say something

self deprecating. I'll be like, yeah, well, you know, I've got the thin lips and the BDIs and the crowd will be like, no, no, you're good looking. We like you. And you think, oh, oh, this is fucked. No way. Don't be sad. We're here for you, Conan. But that's good. Again, comedy, sometimes when you're doing the really brilliant anti-comedy, it can work against you, but for a very beautiful reason. Yes. Because the crowd is rooting for you. That's good. But that's, that's being, that's called being screwed by the fundamental decency of men. Yes, it really is. Yes. I am very passionately want to talk to you about something that, there are a lot of comedians that complain as part of their comedy. And I think what sets you apart is you complain about things

that are so specific that, and so specific to you, but you describe them, your language in your imagery is so exact that you get everybody on your side complaining about something that's completely, you know. Yeah. I mean, I would, I think that comes from, I remember I had a group of friends around me in high school and then in college that they were all always very, very funny and very good. A thing that I love hearing about is friends of mine who have had really shitty and ridiculous jobs. And when they, when they're really good at describing all of the different personality dynamics in the workplace, that they have to go into all the little in-jokes and all the, even though you don't work in that office or in that record store, you get a sense

of the place and it makes the story really, really fascinating. And there's that thing of like, oh, I almost want to work there now. Like it sounds, I mean, I know I'm sure day to day it's shitty, but the stories this person's getting out of it makes it very fascinating to me because it also makes you think that, oh, how many bad times have I had in my life that I could have made more tolerable if I had been funny about it or looked at it from that angle? So, you know, a lot of, when I'm complaining about something, what I'm doing is I'm trying to cope, try to cope with how annoying or soul crushing it is by finding a humorous angle because, you know, it's the phrase, if you can mock it, you can manage it. So the lot of the things that bother me,

I'm also like, but there is something kind of delightful about this. Remember when you said you wanted porn email spammers to use spell check? That's like, that's such a great crusade. Yeah. I want porn email spammers to use spell check. Because I would, there was that time where I was getting all of this, you know, I was getting spam for everything. There was that time when everyone was getting spammed before you put your spam blockers. But if, and for some reason, like the spam for like, you know, get a vacation house or get, you know, was old, but for some reason, the porn spam was always misspelled and like aggressively misspelled to the point where you're affecting, this is hurting the effectiveness of the email because I have to,

I shouldn't have to translate like cock or titties. Like don't make me wait because then, then all the thrill is out of this, you know, if you spell it wrong. Yes. Yeah. So it's like, nothing kills an erection faster than incorrect spelling. Yeah. Wait, you want to sock my click? Oh, I see what they, oh, okay. All right. Yes. I, okay. I get it. Yeah. All right. Yeah. She wants my, it's just like, wait a minute. What? She wants my proc? Yeah. She wants my pens in her that. But wait, oh, oh, okay. Okay. I got it. The H is near the W. I see what they did. Okay. Like, don't write, are you, are you being chased while you're writing your porn spam? Like, what is, I gotta send this before they kill me. Then you want to contact them and just about the spelling?

There were times and I could, I, a friend of mine said don't because if you respond, then you get like 80 more. But part of me wanted to go, look, I feel like this is a bop. But if there is a person there, it's very easy to spell check these words and they're kind of crucial if you want someone to get turned on by this stuff. I don't, I, again, I don't want to be the guy because I, I feel like if I, like if I worked at the porn spammer, wherever the, the, the, the, uh, the bot farm is where they're sending these out, I'd be the guy going, now guys, but this is called the E, Ebion, you know, white and shrunken whites elements of style. We're going to, it's a thin book. You can read it in 10 minutes. It's so worth it. All right. Right. That's really not, this is, it's not,

it's not hard to make a good first impression. Okay. So let's just, but it was, I mean, that really did startle me that there was all this misspellings in porn spam. I don't know why that was. It just drove me crazy. That's not. And then I, I kind of had a weird crusade going on early on in Twitter and, and then my wife was like, you sound like you're, you're nuts. But I don't know what it is whenever I'm in a Starbucks and I go over to that, you know, the fixin's area where there's sugar and the cream and stuff. And it's always a fucking, it looks like there was like a sailor brawl near the thing. Like how do you make, all people are doing is, are you not to be creamered out? Boom, bam. But it's like just destroyed. And I'm like, you're opening a coffee, you're opening one packet

and dump it. How are you making it? It's almost like someone's going out of their way to make it messy. And I always clean it up. And I was like, I was turning in, I said, I was turning into like Rorschach, like one day the Starbucks people will look up at me and go, we need the condominium cleaned. And I'll look down and whisper, no, you had your chance. Like I don't, and I obsessively clean these places up. Like what is going on? Like it made me despair for humanity because it's the easiest thing to keep clean and they can't do it. If they can't do that, no, we're never going to have a Mars colony. If you can't, if you can't open a packet of stevia and put it in your coffee and then put the packet away without getting stevia everywhere, then no way is there going to be a

Mars colony. It drove me crazy. What if there is a Mars colony, but it's just the outside of the colony is just littered with. We are managed, we can get a lot of things right, but we will never clean up our coffee preparation. We will never not litter. Like that's our problem. That's going to be the thing that brings us down. I mean, I got really, like I kind of went over the top of that bit. Like I was, I was posting a lot of pictures of, and I would always say which Starbucks I was in, like what the hell people, and then, but then I checked out Tom Hanks's Instagram. Have you ever followed him on Instagram? He's obsessed with finding one glove on the ground. Yes. Why is there one glove? And it's kind of beautiful. Like there is a thing. Why would you

leave? How would you not know that you'd lost a glove? It's, and you know, it's interesting when you look at Tom Hanks's these, his Instagram and he has these shots of one glove, there's something it's eerie. It is. It's eerie and it's also sad and you feel like there's a story behind. Yeah. What happened here? Why is this one glove here? And now he thinks that some people are setting him up. He's found a couple where he feels like people have planted a glove. We're back in OJ territory, but he feels like people have planted, like seen him go into a, you know, Chipotle or Quiznos and then they go out of their way to the glove and he's, he's a little suspicious because sometimes it looks a little too neat and tidy. There was a time I stopped bothering him because

we did a movie together. So we email every now and then and I, whenever I'm watching because he and I are, he's way more obsessed than I am, but he really loves manual typewriters. I'm sure he's talked to you about that. And I love him too, not to the level that he is like, he is a, he's the trekkly equivalent of a manual typewriter fan. Like he literally knows every make and model and I'll be watching some old movie on TCM and there'll be, and I'll take a picture of like a typewriter and I can email that and he'll immediately go, oh yeah, that's a, that was an early Olavetti comment. That's exactly, yeah. And I was like, oh my God, it's really amazing what he can do with typewriters. You, I know you're a foodie. He needs to do, he needs to do a CSI law and order type show where

all the crimes hinge on typewriters and he's the guy that can, you know, that's how they used to. Most crimes, not most crimes, but a lot of crimes used to be solved because they would match the typewriter to, and went like one letter is too low. So that's, yeah, yeah. So this Smith Corona drops the L when it's a capital, but not when it's lower case. So the murderer is Bruno Haukman, you know, but now, Jagged Edge, right? That was the, that was the Jagged Edge. But now they've had to, advances in technology are ruining crime movies, you know, and because there's so much now where, you know, it's so great to match it up to a typewriter or someone's got to go hide the typewriter in a marsh. But now it all revolves around cell phone records. Yeah, exactly. We have the data

from the cell towers. Although what was great, there was a golden age and we've lost that there was a golden age of really, really right at the dawn of the internet and social media and, and using computers. There were crime TV shows and movies that did just did not understand how any of that worked and would do these weird. Cracked.com did a whole article about these moments. There was one moment on NCIS where they're trying to like hack something and then the guys on the keyboard and then someone else gets on the keyboard with him, like, two guys technically faster. And then I swear to God, it was the weirdest. We were like, that's not how the internet works, you weirdos. And then there was a great one where it was, it was like a, it was an episode of NCIS.

I think it was another episode of CSI where there, someone, again, I don't, there was some kind of one of those weird second life chat rooms where you log on and there's, there's a, there's an avatar that walks around and talks to different people. So they, they know that the murder victim was doing this and, and chatted with this other person in this world. So they create an avatar and then they go into the world and they walk up to the guy, the other guy's avatar, and then he runs away. So they chase him through the thing where anyone watching is like, well, he would just, wouldn't you just log off? Like, why would he run? Where the fuck is he gonna go? That's called some, that's called some people in their fifties. Exactly.

We're like, hey, and someone gave them a note and said, you know, we need this to involve the internet. And they were like, got it. We're on it. We got it. But we still need to chase. We still need to chase. Don't worry. We can chase. What are they called? Well, hey, kid. The avatar tries to get away, but we chase it. But the avatar leaves a footprint and then we take an impression. That doesn't really work. Shut up, kid. We got what we need and we get to go home now. It's that Andy Kinler bit about the sitcoms in the 80s where the three-year-old sounded suspiciously like a 51-year-old comedy writer. They're going, what am I, the Lindbergh baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I always, you can tell, like, you can, you can tell there was a time in

the 60s. You can look at 60s TV shows and 60s TV shows and all the writers on 60s TV shows are these great, predominantly Jewish joke writers and gag writers who had worked in radio. And they had been around since in the radio days writing radio comedy for like Burns and Allen, you know, and, or whoever. And they, now it's 30 years later, and they're writing gags for TV shows like F Troop or I Dream of Genie or whatever. And the Beatles blow up. And you could tell that there was this sort of mandate like, hey, everybody, these kooky kids with the head, the Beatles or the, the bugs or whatever they're called, we got to get that kind of stuff into our show. Get some of those guys on our show. And these shows had no idea. These writers had no idea. So they would just,

they just would invent these awful bands. Yeah. And they would call them like, here they are. Yeah. Yeah. The, the, the Rugrats or the, you know, the Scrubbly Dubblies. And they would just get four British guys and have them go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's awful. And they thought, ah, the kids will like this just as much. Yeah, we got to get them to tune in. Doesn't matter, getting the tune in. I think there's an episode of F Troop, which is a show that takes place in the 1870s. Wow. On a Calvary where they, I think they got like a real rock group to stop by. Like with like electric guitars. I mean, in, in Disney's, the Jungle Book, there's the four birds that are clearly the Beatles. And we're going to have the Beatles in the last minute. They decided

against it, but Disney was like, get the Beatles in this thing. You know, get them. They'll do it. Yeah. He'll do it. And yeah, yeah, there are those four birds that are like, well, I don't know what we're going to do. It's fun being a bird. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I know you're a big foodie. And one of the things I've always wanted to talk to you about is cereal, because one of my passions in life, one of my passions in life has was always junk cereal. Yes. And then I hit this point in my life. I mean, I love junk cereal and I'm a connoisseur of junk cereal. Me too. Still love it, but I can't have it anymore. Exactly. We're not allowed to have it anymore. And you hit this point where my cereal now, there's no sex life in my cereal anymore. And it used to be, I mean,

I as a grown man have been caught because I was jonesing, you know, in my 30s and 40s. Me, yes. Leaving a, leaving a bodega. And they give you those bags sometimes that are too clear. And you could see I have fruity pebbles in there. Oh yeah, man. And it's the most embarrassing. I mean, I'd rather be caught with pornography. Yes. Than as a grown man be caught with fruity pebbles. Yeah. Or count chocula. Or yeah, or the, oh God, the two cans, saying fruit loops. Oh, fruit loops. Yeah. It is just, oh, fruity pebbles. You okay? I'm getting to get a doctor in here. It is sad how my breakfast cereal used to be Saturday morning cartoons and now it's British period drama. Like it really got very gloomy and the box is white. It's just, yeah, it really is. I mean, just,

yeah, you can really tell the passage of time. They really nail it. Because breakfast cereals are, when you're a little kid, it's bright colors. It's a crazed mascot. It's words like sugar and pow and then the back of the boxers, games, puzzles, word finds, mazes, you know, giveaways. And then, you know, help sugar bat get to his insulin or whatever. Like there's some horrible. Yeah. And now it's, yeah, it's this like white box with a beige bowl and brown cereal and her name like Sorghum Farms. Sorghum Farms Amaranth Flakes. And the back of every one of my cereal boxes, there's a story about how they formed the company this long. And it's, you can literally hear the, the, like the James Taylor song behind it as they're, you know, going at Sorghum Farms,

we believe in three simple things. Farm to table eating, locally sourced ingredients, and give them back to the earth three times what we take away. The idea for Sorghum Farms happened in line with a fish concert in 1991. We were both wondering aloud, how come we can't make our gorp taste here? And that's when we both look at each other and said, Jinx, I owe you a kombucha. And it just goes on and on and on. And they always brag about these weird, I talked about this, they have biblical grains or ancient grains. Yeah. So there's all these weird, and then it's like gluten-free, non-GMO, and it, I don't know, I don't know. Obviously, yeah, you want to eat healthier, but there's something very performative about it, where it's almost like they're designing these

boxes or even worse yet now, the cereal comes in the, we don't want to waste a lot of cardboard on the box. There's going to be this little like Ziploc bag thing that's made, they're all in little bags now. Yeah. So, so it almost like, it looks like it's designed to look good on a, on a shelf in a, like a Z gallery catalog or something. It's all very earth tones. Yes. Yeah. And it doesn't turn the milk a different color. No, it doesn't do it. No. It, the milk just, although are you, are you even drinking milk these days? Cause I'm drinking almond milk. Me too. I don't get to drink milk anymore. No, they told me, I don't know if milk's a good idea. Yeah. I, oh my God, I was told this in the, maybe let's lay off the milk. Yeah. And I always go back to the same thing.

Why was I eating that from the get-go then? Why did you ever give it to me? Yeah. Well, that's true of, that's my argument is always everyone who signed the Declaration of Independence, everybody. A lot of them, yeah, some of them kicked early, but a lot of them lived into their 90s. I know. And they didn't have any of the supplements. Nothing. They didn't get their colons tested. No. With, with drones. They, there was none of that. No. And, and I always look at Ben Franklin and, and I think, Ben Franklin, he lived a really long time. I think he just did what he was going to do. And had he had fruit loops, he would have lived to 150. I feel like he would have. Yeah. Yeah. The inventor of the Twinkie lived to be like 98. Didn't he eat a Twinkie

a day or something? Nothing wrong with that, man. Nothing wrong with the Twinkie. Yeah, but it is weird. Like, and again, I don't want to, I've always been, been worried about, I don't want to be the, because there were a lot of comedians I remember coming up with that. I don't want to be the older comedian going hazelnut, nonfat, latte, what about a cup of coffee? Like, I don't want to be the guy that's always angry at whatever the new thing is. Now I'm writing that down. That's a good bit. What's the matter with a cup of joe? How, why can't a phone just be a phone? Like, all right, you know, stuff changes. It's not that crazy. A comedian is complaining about something that's actually a great innovation. Yes, exactly. What? Why are you bitching about that? Yeah, I don't understand. Yeah. Why is this, so now there's

high image resonance tech, you know, MRIs that can show me a tumor long before it kills me? What happened to just good old fashioned diet? What happened to your knee feeling funny when it rained? Yeah. That's how we used to diagnose cancer. But now they stop it early and you live. All right, well, Pat, we are, that is our time. Oh, man. You know, we're gonna stop this thing. This is one of those podcasts that goes on for six hours. Let's wait a few months and I'll just come back on and we'll just keep talking. No, no, no, I would love that. Yeah. That would be a treat. And in the meantime, I would love it if we went to a restaurant, a really nice restaurant. Yes. And had a great meal that is worthy of us, but then finished it off with Frankenberry. Pat,

you've always been so sweet to me. Thank you very much for coming in. You're a hilarious, hilarious fellow and a good man. You are a very good man. In the words of Flannery O'Connor, a good man is hard to find. Oh, oh my god, my arm fell off. God bless you, sir. Thank you. It's time for another round of the true or false with Sona, my trusty assistant. I don't know what I mean by trusty, to be honest with you. Trusty. Trusty ate a lot and I'm just gonna. Trusty usually means you're trustworthy. I do think you're a trustworthy person. Yes. I think you're a moral ethical person. I am. But I don't trust you to do the things I ask you to do. Okay. So that's different. But that's not your fault. That is an awful thing for you to say to me. Would you trust

you if you were me? If you were me. If I was you. Yes. And you had been through all the experiences I've been with you and I told you to do something. Would you trust Sona to do it? Yes. I'm just gonna say yes. Liar. Liar. You know what you're doing? You know what you're doing is that you're making it impossible for me to ever get another job and I resent you for that a little bit. I don't think I don't think you ever want another job. I like this job. Yeah. Unless a job opened up at Disneyland. Oh, I'd take that. Where you were, if you were working, if your job was managing a restaurant at Disneyland where they served alcohol. Yeah. And you got to do all the rides for free and cut to the front of the line. I think you would take that job. Take it. I used to work at Disneyland.

Oh, wait a minute. You did? Oh, Gourley raises his well-trimmed bearded face. What's up, pal? Hey, how's it going, man? Don't come at me. Don't you dare come at me. So you worked at Disneyland. I did. Among many other things, I was a talking trash can. Oh, my God. You know what? That was going to be my first guess. No, no. What do you mean a talking trash can? There was a thing called Push the Talking Trash Can, which was like look like a normal metal trash can, you know, with the push flap. But it was a state of the art, like $30,000 robot. And I would hide in a crowd among everybody else with my arm in a bag and a secret microphone in my hand. And I could control this trash can and talk to people as if it was the trash can moving around and talking to people.

So you were like a ventriloquist, but your dummy was a robot trash can. Yeah. And that's classing it up a little. And did you enjoy this job? That's hard to say. It was a good job for the place I've seen in my life because it was a union job and it stayed really well. This is six months ago. Yeah. This is right before this. You know what would have been great is if you were doing it and you had had a breakdown and really lost it on that job. And so you as the trash can just went off on the crowd. This place sucks. I bawled a person's parent out for letting their kid kick the trash can. Oh, what did you do? You yelled it? Well, it also, keep in mind, it pitches your voice up. So it sounds like this little cute little trash can going, why don't you control your kids?

Why don't you do something about your kids? So you were yelling at parents? I would. And then I would go bump other trash cans and say, Sheila, don't divorce me and things like that. And I would get in a little bit of trouble. What does a little bit of trouble mean? Disney, you don't have to do much to get in a little bit of trouble at Disney. Right, because they're pretty buttoned down. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Anyway, I digress. I apologize. So it's funny. I didn't know what you were going to say when you said you had worked at Disneyland. I thought you might have been in the hall of presidents. What? Yeah, you could have been like a young lean Garfield. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. He gets shot. In the back. Is that a threat? No. Okay. No, I'm not going to shoot

you in a train station. I'm not Charles Ghetto. Oh, my God. Didn't you have like a cigarette case that stopped the bullet or a Bible or something? No, now you're confusing him with President Theodore Roosevelt, who was running for reelection. He wasn't president at the time of the Bull Moose Party. What have I done? He was giving a speech and someone tried to shoot him and started his Bible, stopped the bullet as opposed to Garfield, who was president at the time. He was shot. He was, of course, accompanied by, hey, fun fact. He was accompanied by Abraham Lincoln's son. Wow. That is a fun fact. He was accompanied. Abe Lincoln's son was walking, who is now a grown man, was walking. Robert Lincoln was walking Garfield through the train station in Washington

when Charles Ghetto, a disappointed office seeker, fired a bullet into Garfield's back and cried, now Arthur is president. This is why I can't sleep at night. Yeah. It's also why I was single. This is why I can't sleep at night. Ah, caught me. You guys go on. Don't leave me behind. I'm sorry. No, I like this. I was just owned by a talking trash can. He just owned me. Okay, so now let's get to it. Well, I guess we ran out of time. Nope, we didn't. True or false. Right. There's a store called Front Runner. It is in Brentwood, California. Yeah. They sell running supplies. They do. Yeah, sneakers and shorts and things that one needs when one runs. I run these days, of course. Okay. Can't just get a body like this. Oh my God. Nor would you want to. But I went

to Front Runners and they, I'm a hard person to fix. I'm a very tall man and Adonis, if you will. And I have very long legs and they had some sweats there at Front Runner. By the way, Front Runner, wonderful store. They said, we don't have those, but we'll put them on hold for you. And I gave them your number and then never heard from them or from you that the stuff was ready from Front Runner. So it's really funny. A couple of days ago, I am waiting to eat with my family at a sushi place. And it's one of those really good sushi places where you got to wait. That's fine. They don't care about celebrity and they wish they did. But anyway, I'm waiting out like everyone else, just a regular citizen waiting for my sushi. I'm sitting out in front. There's a little bench

in this parking lot. And the Front Runner is literally about, I want to say 100 yards away in the same little strip mall area. And this guy comes up to me as people do. And he says, oh, hi, Conan. I just wanted to say hi. And I go, oh, hi, how are you? And I think he's just going to do the standard, you know, whatever. And he said, I'm a fan of the show. And he said, I really love the podcast. I love the podcast. And I said, oh, well, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. And he said, yeah, I don't know if you remember this. You came into the store. His name's Caesar. Remember that? Okay. He said, my name's Caesar. And I said, I remember you Caesar. And he said, you came in the store and you, you tried to get some, some sweats, but we didn't have them. So

I said, I put them on order and gave me Sona's number. And then they came in and I called and I couldn't get Sona. Then I left a message for her, but she never called me back. And he said, but I didn't get mad because I listened to the podcast and I know she doesn't really get back to people. Oh my God. He said that. He said, I listened to the podcast. So I know she's cool, but I know she also doesn't really get back to people. So I just wanted to know. Yes, I do. I'm just telling you what happened. He told this to me. Caesar, you're a liar. Where, yes. Caesar's a good man. No, he's a liar. I love Caesar. Caesar, you're a liar. No, no, Caesar's a good guy. Do not go after Caesar. I love Caesar. Caesar's a great guy. And if you

should be mad at anyone, you should find a mirror. I wasn't mad or anything. I just thought it was funny that he's now listening to the podcast and he's got this look into our relationship. And then he sees me sitting outside a sushi place and he's like, Oh yeah, those sweatpants. I called Sona, but I know from the podcast, like it's weird. All these are. You've ruined my life. Or or you've ruined it or just made it somewhat worse. No, you've absolutely ruined my life. I have not. If someone at a store is coming to you and I was in his like, I ordered your pants, but you're dumb, stupid and he doesn't know he loves you. He doesn't think you're dumb. He knows that he's like, I don't do my job. No, you don't care so much about sweatpants. You

have your priorities in line. You care more about the trees and birds and what? No. No, this is the thing that you're doing to me that is ruining my life. Ruining your life. First of all, how can you say that when the reason you met your husband, who I think is the coolest guy I've ever met? He is the coolest. Comic Con. He were there at Comic Con. Conan O'Brien. Why are you bringing this up because you know that I have no response to this. But my point is I am the reason you're happily married. And so if in exchange for that, the gift of a life of lifelong bliss with the greatest guy I've ever met is that you take a little bit of shit from Caesar at Front Runner. I think it evens out. It's just... Mr. Golly, how do you come in on this one? You're sort

of a Supreme Court justice here. Am I? Oh, well, I'm sort of Kennedy just swinging right and left. I don't know what to say here. Do you remember getting a message from Caesar? Can I be? I don't remember that message, but I do get a lot of calls that people are like, hey, Conan was in the store and he needed this and it's in. And I feel like I tell you, but if it is a message, I can see me not telling you. Yeah, that's not a big deal. I have a ruling. I am inclined to believe Sona, so I'd like to see some evidence from Caesar that he did try, in fact, to contact her. So... Yeah, where's the proof? Yeah. Also, Golly... Guess what? I go to this restaurant a lot, so I think Caesar's going to be waiting for me. And Caesar, if you're out there, he actually is,

I want to make it very clear, very cool guy. I'm sure. I like him a lot. And he's a good man. He's kicking ass over at Front Runner. He's a good man. And if he can find sweats that cover these legs, Jesus. Matt, if I applied for a job and you were on the hiring committee and you listened to all the podcasts and watched the remotes, would you hire me? Yes. Oh, okay. What if the job required her to be, you know, present and... I would not hire you to be an eye surgeon. You were dealing with extenuating circumstances at your prior job. Ah, thank you. So you're saying he is the problem and makes me look good because I tolerate that on a daily basis, even though he is probably the worst guy. Well, stop saying that.

People are going to believe you. I am not the worst guy. You're not the worst guy. I didn't, I don't mean that. I'm saying it as a joke, but I'm also not as bad as you say I am. You are not. You are not. But it is, but I just, I've stated before, I love you, Sona. And we're pals. We're besties for life. We're practically family. We're practically family. If I fought with you just a little more, you would be family. But I want to see these sweatpants because I'm also picturing that they're extra long. So someone is like sewed in about six extra inches of a band of a different color on each leg or something. They're just, they're frankenpants. The real thing is, why can't you just have a normal body?

Okay. I don't like where this went at all. I do have a somewhat of a disproportionate body. Very, very long legs. Ladies, if you're listening and fellas. Yeah. When I wear short shorts, that's a frightening thing. Whoa. Yeah. It's a lot of calls from stores that are like those extra long pants that we never carry in store. Right. They, it's always, it's always like, uh, we were holding him for Kona, but Jeff Goldblum got Jeff Goldblum and I have the same body. And it's just always whenever I go there, they're like, no, no, we have a pair on hold for Jeff Goldblum. Can I have them? Nope. Goldblum. He's a piece of movie actor. He's a bigger deal than you. I'm sorry, Caesar. Yep. The chances are I, I am the one who ignored him.

Yes. Yes. I'm glad that you, that when you went after Caesar, that I was not going to have. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am more loyal to Caesar, who I've talked to for five minutes than I am to Sonam Obsession. Don't you say that about Caesar. That's great. That makes me feel good. Well, I went again. Over and out. Oh, God. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam Obsession and Conan O'Brien as himself, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.