Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Paul Reubens

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

Actor, producer, and writer Paul Reubens feels fantastic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Paul and Conan sit down to talk about wanting to join the circus, the letter Paul wrote to Walt Disney, remembering Phil Hartman, and anxiety over getting recognized. Later, Conan and Sona go head to head with a podcast statistics quiz. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hello, my name is Paul Rubens, a.k.a. You Know Who, the artist formerly known as Prince. And I want to say right now at this very moment that I feel fantastic about being a prince. That's so sweet. Do you really? I really do. Hello there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, another installment of the podcast, which has been a lot of fun. Really has, but what?

Every time you start, you're just like, I'm having a really great time. Just a chill podcast, bro. Yeah, just talking to a lot of people. I'm sorry, I'm not criticizing. I'll start again. I'm not criticizing. I'm going to start again. I'll do it.

No, but you know. Yeah, it's cool. Again. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, this is a top-notch podcast. If you're looking for a podcast, don't waste time dicking around with those other audio shows. Is there called in the industry? No one calls them that.

You want Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We get right to the heart of the matter. We're not screwing around on this podcast. This is a juggernaut. No, does people say juggernaut anymore? Yeah, but we screw around a lot. That's true. Yeah.

But anyway, I think we are a ruthless podcast. We're a machine, we're a death machine. We get out there and we just, we cast that pod like no one. I'm sick of all this humble, you know, hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. You know, I just have a good time and, you know, who knew and all that. Well, I always knew this thing is built to destroy and eat galaxies. This podcast absorbs the light around it and turns it into dark energy that will fuel more death-eating machines.

That's why I'm going to start describing this podcast. No more of that humble Conan. This is the new Conan. How are you, Sona? Humble Conan. Yeah. Okay. The one who compares himself to Mozart.

Well, just in my musical ability. That's all. Gorley, you're joining us as well. Yeah. I'm fucking charged at this new podcast energy. This is the new energy. I'm sick of this. You know, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and, you know, having a good time but

who knew and it's just kind of nice. No. This is the Death Star podcast. Yeah, that noise screams Death Star. You're really intimidating. You're so scary sometimes. That this podcast, it blows up worlds. Blows them up by shooting that weird triangular laser beam that came out of that Death Star.

I'm not a... A Kyber crystal. What's that? That's made from Kyber crystals. Don't do that. Well, it's true. Yeah, real cool podcast. It's true.

It's true. I mean, it's just a fact. We're talking about the new movie Star Wars. If you're just tuning in, the pretenders have hit the charts again and we're all excited about Joni Love's chachi. Up to the date. Wow, what a deaf-eating podcast we've got here. What a Death Star of a podcast.

Yeah, let's fuck it up. Yeah. Star Wars references. Yeah, we got it going. Elvis has days to live. It's August, 1977, and wasn't Jaws good last year? Look, someone's going to tune in. Someone's going to listen and then write us and say, correct, 75, 75, true, but still

a juggernaut in 76. Anyway, wow. You've said juggernaut twice. I'm going to start seeing ugernaut. Okay. That's right, because you say jiff. That's a jiff. Yeah.

I like a soft G. Yeah. Am I Matt Jorley? Yeah. To me, you've always been Matt Jorley. No. Yeah. It's true.

I just put a penny in the slot and I got a nice jumball that I chewed up. No, no good. That was a good sound effect. A real Death Star. This is like a little squirrel. Is it true that I make sound effects when you eat, Sona? Well, no. You do this thing.

Whenever you take a bite, I go chomp when you take a bite. Women don't like when I do that. They take a bite and I go chomp and make some very self-conscious about their eating. I used to think that would get me a date. It turned out not to be true. Oh, okay. I was single for many years. You should go opposite of your instincts.

I used to, when I was a dating man, way back in the day, I, you know, I wouldn't even know. When I was a dating man. When I was a dating fellow, when mother would let me out on a date, mother, I'm out of it. You be home soon. I don't want you running off with that hoa. Mother, please. Please, mother. I just want to take Esmeralda out for some Anguagamoli.

But anyway, I used to, whenever my date would take a bite, I go chomp and then they would say I'm out of here. Yeah. Didn't you tell me that when you went out with Liza, you were doing your murder bit where you tell, call people murder? Yeah. When I, when I, when I'm my first real date with my wife, I was, it wasn't just that. I, I mutter a lot.

And I, like Popeye. And I was doing it to see if she's going to like me, we might as well find out now. So the cabbie was saying, which one do you want to go on? I'm like, I'll tell you what, I'll go, I don't know. Oh my God. And I was doing all my little voices and weird things that I do. And she thought, oh, he's insane. She was right.

But then she, but I said, if I thought, and I think wisely, if she can clear that hurdle, which she did, then, then we're golden. Nice. Yeah. So we've been married now, 17 years. There was that a six year period there where she moved out and refused to speak to me. She said, I was an awful man, but then she moved back in. So we're good.

Okay. Anyway, this is neither here nor there. We got people to interview and one person in particular today, because this podcast is not just us. It's also the wonderful people who come on the program and we have a fantastic guest today. My guest today is beloved. He's the creator of the iconic character Peewee Herman.

He starred in the television series Peewee's Playhouse and the hilarious film Peewee's Big Adventure. He is currently touring cities across the country on the Peewee's Big Adventure 35th anniversary tour. I can't believe it's been 35 years and what a hilarious movie. We're very excited. He's with us today. Paul Rubens is here, hey Paul.

You showed up and the first thing you did was demand a hand sanitizer. That's right. And you said that you were petrified of catching a cold. Well, it's flu season. I want to remind you. That's very good. You suddenly were doing a public service announcement. Well, I mean, I'm kind of walking public service.

And also, can I just say this? You applied it on your hands, I think for a full 10 minutes. Liberally. And can the other people jump in if I'm telling the truth? Yeah. They're still in Italy. There is a lot. And you rub your hands for a long time as if you were not sanitizing your hands but

planning world domination. I want to just say that I thought the hand sanitizer thing was off limits, but apparently not. Nothing's off limits here. His podcast is on the edge. Wow. You like that? Yeah.

Being as edgy as I am. Yeah. As Zeggy. Oh, Zeggy. Very nice. You imp. Yeah. Yeah.

Who doesn't love you? I mean, seriously. You know, I wake up feeling that in the morning when I get up, I'm like, who doesn't love me? And then, you know, all day long, I'm reminded of all the people who don't. Oh, okay. We'll just start, try and take that good feel in the morning and then stretch that out for the whole day.

Speaking of public service announcements. There you go. Yeah. We should all feel better about ourselves. This message brought to you. We really should. When I first started watching Peewee's Playhouse, my thought was, how did this get on TV? At that time, many of the people who were in charge of children's programming were severe

alcohol. And I had no idea what it was. I mean, you must be kidding. I'm just kidding. If Judy, if you're listening, I'm just joking. And Judy, you know who you are. Yes, she does. And she's absolutely, I think a teetot or so.

Yeah. Please. She took it as a joke. Yeah, she did. Are we not? Exactly. Okay. She used to be head of CBS Children's Program.

But anyway, not to name drop. Yeah. CBS. Yeah. Wow. Nice. That's a real network. Yeah.

It is. It is. That's the noise I make to fill when I don't know what to say next, isn't it? I love that noise. I'm going to copy that. Did they really not know what was going on? Because it was such a strange show and still remains a brilliantly strange and innovative show.

But in those times, did they not know what this was? You know, I don't have any idea what they knew. Did they give you notes on the show? Do they say things like... They gave me very few notes. The first note we ever got, we maybe got four notes in five years. And the first note I ever got, which by the way, just is the first thing in the very first episode, so it was a note I didn't follow, but they said, you can't stick pencils and

potatoes. What? I think because it was dangerous or it was a weapon or whatever. And I said, why? And they went, okay, you can. So I think they just said it because they wanted a note and they didn't have a reason, so they let me do it. And it's the first thing we did, as I just mentioned.

I have found over the years, many years in television, thank you. I'm glad you like my work. I'm filling in stuff that you could be saying. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Please, Paul. I'm just a person. I'm just not a guy.

All right. Well, gosh. I mean, I'd have to be really quick, right? No, no, no. I'm not. It's okay. Whatever. They have this thing called waiting a beat.

Yeah. There's no time. I'm not going to live long. All right. I hope that's wrong. I'm really sincerely... Sweet. I hope that's wrong.

I have a diet very high in saturated fats. I have found in my years of television that they often give notes because they have to give notes. They give really good notes, and I've had many good notes in my career, but I've also had them say things where it's clear they're getting a paycheck, they need to say something, and so they desperately say something, like, no corn on the cob can never be mentioned, never mentioned corn on the cob, and you don't know what they're talking about, and they say it...

Oh, I know who gave... I know... I have had that same note. You had the corn on the cob, girl? Yes. She gives that note to every single... Shailene. Shailene, the corn on the cob girl always gives that note.

She's been giving that note... Oh, yeah. ...for over 75 years, and started in radio with that note. So somebody outsmarted her and took the corn off the cob before they saw her. I love it. She had nowhere to go. I love it. This is going to go all over the place because that's my style.

I'll be the judge of that, by the way. Thank you. Go ahead. I love the fact that maybe once or twice a year, my phone will light up. It'll be either on my birthday or it'll be on Halloween, and you'll send me the nicest little gifts and animations on my phone, and on my birthday, you bombard my phone. And I've shown it to you, Sona, my phone will be... It happened on this podcast.

It happened on this... That's right. It happened on the podcast. I think that was Halloween. Yeah. It was Halloween, and you cannot imagine how many people have told me about it. Right. Like, I didn't know.

You know? Like, when people go, like, remember when you sent Conan a gif, a gif, a gif? Don't say gif. Well... Sona, tell them how it's pronounced. I think it's technically pronounced gif. Did you just take his side? I'm sorry.

Sona, whenever I turn to you and I say, can you please tell celebrity guest what the real deal is, always think of what I said and then make sure it lines up with what I said. Let's go to the Averton Dictionary. Yeah. Paul is pronounced a gif. No. I think it's actually either one. Either one you like.

Well, I don't want to get... I'm sorry. It's been a long time since I've been that angry, and I apologize. I flew off the handle. But it was... We were here. We were shooting a podcast, taping a podcast, whatever the kids say. And my phone makes a little vibrating sound because I'm kind enough to turn off the noise.

And I look and there's a dancing animated skeleton wishing me a happy Halloween and it's from you. But the really impressive thing is on my birthday, you do it all day long. You start early in the morning and you go all day. And I am such a child. I go up to people and I go, look what Paul Rubin sent me. And it's a gif that anyone can send, but I'm so delighted that it came from you. And it's always this great 1930s, 1940s animation and it's, you know, happy birthday stuff.

It's really fun. I like it myself. I'm happy to... And I do it all day long like you just said. I mean, you're just going to repeat what you just said. I know, but what I'm curious about is on that day, on my birthday, April 18th, everybody. When is it? April 18th.

So, you haven't had it yet this year? No. In 2020. Is this 2020? Yeah. I don't know when this is going to air, but I think it's going to air before April. But I'm going to tell you this, on April 18th, and please, if you have to get me a gift, you know...

I'm getting you a gift, not a gift. Multiple gifts. Quite a few, as you just mentioned, to all your readers. I mean, your listeners. They're readers. This is put out as a magazine. Really? Yeah.

We're doing this. And then we have a very nice person here at the show who types it out in a stenography pool and then sends it off, and it's distributed as a magazine. It does very poorly. Wow. Yeah. It's a very bad idea. We lose a lot of money on it.

The point is this. You clearly spent your whole day thinking, I got to send Conan some more. I got to send Conan some more, and that meant that I was on your mind all day on my birthday. You know what's really on my mind on your birthday and many other people's birthdays? You wouldn't know. So, I'm going to tell you. This is so weird because I do it anyway, but I'm kind of paranoid that I'm overdoing it, which I am overdoing it, obviously.

It's funny. But I kind of think, is Conan going like, oh my God, will he stop? And I think you're not in a position to really reign on my parade in this particular kind of thing. You can't text me. I mean, you could, but you would be. If I said stop sending me happy dancing birthday cakes, then I'm a jerk. So, I feel like, I'm kind of, like I'm...

Oh, there's an edge of cruelty to it. Well, no, there's an edge of schizophrenia about it because I'm really literally going, wow, should I do it again? What time is it? Is it dinner time? And then I think, yeah, send. Right. Send.

Send. It's almost midnight. Just before midnight, you squeeze one in under the wire. I wasn't sure where you were either. Oh, I do go past midnight also, sometimes thinking, if you're still up, it's still your birthday. That's my thought on it. Right. I mean, maybe your readers want to chime in on that and say they don't agree with that

kind of thing or they pronounce it Jeff. No, it's Jeff. I think it's Giff. I go with Giff. And you know what? I'm just going to put that out there in the universe. I'm going with Giff and let's all agree on Giff. No, I make noises here.

I can't believe you're making my noise over there. I thought I changed it up a little bit. You did change it. Yours is less desperate than mine. Some more have got a milky, yours was drier. Mine was like a little flavor of early Jerry. That would be Jerry Orback? Jerry Herman, Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis. Yeah, I don't know why I'm bringing Jerry Lewis up. Well, first of all, I'm going to notice that many of your references today date from the 40s and 50s, the 1940s and 50s. I like to make references from the 2000, 40s and 50s, because I see well into the future. In the future. Yes, I do.

But we'll get there. Mine are all really old references, as you just said. Because I've noticed that you love old show business. And I know that as a kid, I mean, your first love was the circus. You wanted to join the circus. I did. You did join the circus, or you did want to? I did want to.

And I did join. No, I didn't join. What would you have done in the circus? I was just practicing just like, yes, one line, one word answers, just one second. I won't do it again. OK. No.

And do you like that? Yes. And you did murder? But you thought about joining the circus. So you loved old time show business. You know what, we moved, when I was a little kid, around fifth grade, fourth grade, we moved to Sarasota, Florida, from upstate New York.

And Sarasota at that time was the winter headquarters of the Ringling Brothers Circus. And so to me, I already was obsessed with show business and wanted to be an actor and perform. And so when I got to Florida, and you could walk in the supermarket and go circus, circus, circus, normal person, circus performer, regular person, circus performer,

I was so excited by that. And I kind of thought, this is as close. I may never get closer than this, in terms of show business. So I kind of panicked a little bit and thought, maybe you should figure out what you could do in the circus if you don't actually ever get to Hollywood or New York.

Because when I was even younger, when we lived in upstate New York, I would sit on the floor watching I Love Lucy or watching my dad watch, like Phil Silver's show, Sarge and Bilko. And I would watch my dad laughing at that. Or I would be watching Lucille Ball and laughing my head off and thinking, I would look around and I'd be like, this can't be my real life.

These can't be my real parents. I've got to get into this somehow. How am I ever going to get out of Onion to New York and get to Hollywood? This would be when I would be like four years old. Yeah, but you took it a step further. You actually tried to get jobs. Didn't you write Walt Disney a letter?

I did write Walt Disney. Boy, you know a lot of stuff. I wrote Walt Disney a letter. I waited by the mailbox for months for an answer. The letter came with a recording. I recorded a song and sent it to Walt Disney also. And it was on a reel-to-reel tape. And it was me singing Haley Mills' song,

Let's Get Together, from The Parent Trap. And my letter was like, dear Mr. Disney, I am so much better than Kevin Corcoran. He was like, moochie. He was the kid who was in every Disney. You wrote a letter that said, hey, that guy who's your Disney star, I'm better than him. Yes, you should see me, Mr. Disney,

because I am so way better than this other kid. That's incredible. And then, of course, you enclose the tape of you singing. And you get a letter back from Walt Disney? No. Oh, no, I wouldn't say that. No, no, no, I waited every day by the mailbox and nothing ever came.

Maybe he passed away around then. It's possible that he could have. I checked to make sure that he was still alive each day. They said the day he died, he opened a letter and got really mad and then dropped dead. That's a true story. He said he opened a letter, a recording fell out, Walt Disney was in.

He listened to my recording and dropped dead. No, no, no, Walt Disney was enraged at the effrontery that someone said, I'm so much better than who you've got. He said, what child would have the nerve and then he just dropped? That's what I've always been told. I know the answer to that, too. I'll tell you what child would have the nerve

and that would be Kevin Corcoran's sister, Noreen Corcoran, who was also a child actor. She was older than him and she was the daughter. You know, maybe some of your listeners right now could get out their smartphones and look up Noreen Corcoran. Noreen Corcoran. IMDb or wherever you look.

Yeah, if you're driving, don't do that. And also, it's a reference that even the phone will probably blow up. And probably no one cares really, except me. But I care so deeply about this. You care very deeply about Noreen Corcoran. Noreen, if you're listening right now, good luck, because you would, I think she's passed away,

but no, she probably hasn't. She probably hasn't. Well, you're a terrible, uh-oh, there you go, right there. Noreen Corcoran, she was the daughter on, she did pass away. She passed away today, no, not really, today, he passed away quite a while ago. Well, this is just a downer all the way around

and a terrible moment for podcasting, I just wanna say. What date is today? Well, we never give you. Oh, we can't say, but she died on what I think might be today. Seriously, I'm not kidding you. Is that today, state? January 15th, was that yesterday? What's today?

Today's the 17th. Wait, you managed to bring up this woman who nobody listening knows about, and then we check into her and we find out that she died on the day that we're recording this podcast. Don't forget, Noreen, I forgot her name already. Oh, for God's sake, Noreen Corcoran sent ya. It's like a large March sent ya, kind of story.

You know, I'll never forget the first time I met Noreen Corcoran on a night just like this. I knew everything about every child star at the time, and Healy Mills was my all-time obsession. You desperately wanted to be a child star and you were angry at the existing child stars because you thought you were better. Did you, be honest, demonstrably have better skills

than they did at the time? Absolutely. I mean, I wish there was someone around who could back that up, but, you know, there isn't. Could you dance? I mean, I wanted to be an entertainer when I was a kid and I made my parents get me tap dancing lessons because I thought, and this is like the 1970s,

I thought that you needed to know how to tap dance to be in show business, because the only movie thing- You did, at one point. No, in the 30s, in the 1930s, in the 70s, you needed to know Martin Scorsese, and you needed to have a brooding, you know, sort of cloud over your head. No, there was no, I don't know why I got that misinformation.

This makes so much, now I understand why you insist on tap dancing at all your parties. I never connected with what that was about. I make everyone sit, and then they hear me- Everyone's happy to do it, seriously. They love it, they love watching you tap. You often leave halfway through, I'm noticing. It's a 40-minute routine.

I'm just going outside to have, you know, take a deep breath. It's just to collect myself, because I'm so blown away by your tapping. So, are you, to this day, do you wish you'd been a child star? Are you thinking? I mean, it all worked out so well for you. Yes, no, when I actually finally, quote unquote,

made it in Hollywood, I was so happy that I was older, that I was in my late 70s, I think, when that happened. And I was very, very happy that I didn't make it as like a teenager or a 20-year-old. It goes so badly for anyone who gets in as a child. So badly that the only example they have of it going well is Jodie Foster. Of all the hundreds and thousands of people

that have been child stars, they always say, Jodie Foster turned out okay. So there's one. Everyone else murders and sets fires before they're 15 years old. Is that true, Sona? I don't know, Natalie Portman? Murderer.

Oh, okay. She wasn't caught, but she committed a series of crimes in the Pacific Northeast. Ryan Reynolds? No, I'm thinking about Ryan Gosling. See, you can't even do it. Ryan Gosling was in the Mickey Mouse Club. Yeah, Ryan Gosling, arsonist, convicted.

You said Jason. Jason Bateman. Yeah, Jason Bateman. Have you hung out with Jason Bateman? He's scary. He didn't turn out well, okay? Ron Howard. Ron Howard stole jewelry from Graves.

That's a true story. When I first remember. These are all true stories about celebrities and don't even bother to look it up, because it's just that true. And don't bother to mention it to them or their lawyers. Ron Howard, a grave robber. I'm having dinner with Ron Howard as soon as this is over.

Well, notice he's one. Notice and know about it, yeah. Guess what? Notice this. Take a good look. He'll be wearing four watches and six rings and they'll be covered in dirt. Oh my God.

I was at a meeting many years ago. Well, I have two Ron Howard stories that I'd like to tell you really slowly, right? One of them is when I first met Ron Howard, I auditioned for Night Shift. Was that the movie with Michael Keaton? Yes, Michael Keaton, I believe, yes. That was Michael Keaton's breakout role.

I auditioned, well, that could have been my Rocky. That could have been me. Did you audition for Rocky as well? I did not. Okay. You auditioned for Ron Howard for this big role. You're bringing me back. You're bringing me back.

You bet. I have to. So, yes, and I blew the whole audition, I mean, one of many reasons I blew the audition, but the main thing is I couldn't not go, as soon as I sat down to go, I gotta just tell you, Mr. Howard, I was so jealous of you when I was a kid because I,

and I practically had to lay down and tell my story. You told him how much you resented him as a child actor? Yes, I did. You never do that. I never told you this? No, no, but I'm just saying that what a mistake to tell him I bitterly hated you. My insight is 2040, isn't it?

Like, isn't that what people say? I would have known not to do that at the time, and I think it's kind of sense. I did not. I didn't know. So you told Ron... That was my second audition, the only other audition I'd ever had for a movie before

that was in The Chosen with Robbie Benson. Oh my God. I can't even say that without laughing, but... Robbie Benson was the teen heartthrob of the day. That could have been my Rocky. I think we all find the path that we're meant to find, and I read that somewhere. I think it was on a cookie.

Well, I later went to a meeting in a skyscraper with Ron Howard and his partner, and in the middle of a pitch, I was just sort of nervously reaching around behind me on the couch I was sitting at, and I stuck my hand in the crack of the couch, and there was money in it. Like coins had fallen down, and I stopped

in the middle of this pitch and practically squealed like a pig, and went, oh my God, there's money back here, and I stood up and pulled the cushion out and started pulling coins out, and I turned around, and everyone in the room's mouth jaws were dropped open, and I was like, oh my God. I mean, people were looking at me like,

are you kidding me? You're a disaster. I made so many mistakes like that, many. And I'd like to tell you all 40 or 50. I want to hear them, but first we're gonna take a quick break. And now we're back. Good break, huh?

Oh, that was quick. I feel like we didn't even have a break, but. We really didn't. They're inserting some commercials later on. Commercials that'll earn us hundreds of dollars. Okay. You'll see a small part of that. Us, us, huh?

Yeah, us. I share the wealth equally with everyone in this room. Really? I had points in this podcast. This particular one episode, I'm just, you know, you say yes right now. You're on, you're done. Hey, whatever change you can find here,

whatever coins you can find here, you can keep and get your payment. I just like to point out, I'm not even on a couch. I'm in a, you know, what is this? It's an office chair. What do you call this, a chair? Can I just say one of the things that delighted me so much in your work is the, that you would call a chair,

cherry, that everything was alive. When I was a kid, that was my sense of humor, is that everything was alive. And everything ended in E. Well, cherry, cocky, groovy, everything ends with E. But I really was the kind of kid that would put something in a drawer and say, thanks drawer.

And the drawer would be like, I'm just doing my part. And I, you know, I'm still, I'm still like that. I still, I love a world where everything's alive. I think that's the kind of world I wanna live in. I used to like that. Now I like a world where everything is dead. Oh my God.

Pretty much. No, I'm just kidding. I kid because I'm a professional kidder. And I, although you would be the judge of that better than me. I don't think so. I'm not trying to set you up here or myself, but I, yeah, you seem like a kid to me that would have just based on your sense of humor

and what you came up with that you had, you would have had an active imagination and worked out all these fantasies in your head when you were a kid. Like, you know, there are people like that I, comedians I talk to where I say, yeah, I picture them up in their room creating a whole world, you know?

And then there's the other type of comedian that just angrily goes out and they craft their comedy out of loathing and revenge. Which one are you? I'm gonna bet the first one. Hmm. Let me think about that for 15 or 20 minutes. You really don't understand this format, do you?

No. No, I was gonna ask you and then we just jumped in so fast, but the pod part of it is the part I didn't really understand. And I was gonna look it up before. I don't know, I've not been doing this very long and I don't know why they're called podcasts. I don't know anything about it.

I do it. People that have put a lot of thought into podcasts are enraged by my indifference to the whole medium, but I enjoy it, but I don't know what pod means. I don't know why it's called podcasts. Yeah, me neither. And I don't even really care. I mean, I'm here, right?

I mean, I didn't go like, you know, unless you can explain what pod means, I'm not doing it. Okay, I just hear for a free meal. Can I just jump in with one story I just thought of that I was trying to think of like that? That's the whole point of what we're doing. You're allowed to, when you think of something that you think would be good.

I just put it in a pod and send it off. Yeah. So when I put the headphones on, they still call these headphones, right? Yes. I put the headphones on and I listened to my voice coming through the headphones and I'm like, wow, who is that, who's that nasally voice there?

Cause, you know, I just like, I don't ever like to listen to my voice. So I won't be listening to this podcast. I'm just telling you now. But when I made my tape to Walt Disney, soon after that, I believe, I think it was shortly after that because it was the end of my singing career

for many, many years. I went to New York with my dad and we went in a booth where you could make a record. You put money in and you would sing into a microphone and then a record would come out. And we lived really far away. And I probably sang the same song that I had sang for Walt Disney.

This was a couple of years later. So it was different technology. I went from reel-to-reel tape to vinyl. And I like to take a break, commercial break and then come back to the rest of the story. It took a couple of hours. I held that record on my lap all the way back to only onto New York,

like a two or three hour drive from Manhattan and ran in the house and put it on the record player and listened to about the first four notes. And it was, I think like maybe the first or second time, maybe the first, I probably recorded that thing for Walt Disney and never even checked it. So this might be the first time you're really listening to your voice.

Right. And I freaked out so bad that I grabbed the record and ran outside and smashed it on the sidewalk and didn't sing again until I auditioned for some musical when I was like a young teen, like 13 or something. So you heard your voice for the first time. I mean, now with phones and everything, the technology we have now,

everyone hears their voice all the time. But yeah, you hadn't heard your own voice. No, no, I hadn't heard it before and I... No, it was horrible. Was that laughing or crying? I couldn't tell. I don't know what it was either. Okay, well, it was bad acting.

Finding the change in the couch did not cost you that audition. I think it was that crying. Good thing this is your show, buddy. Nick, are you buddy? I wish you would. I wish you would. No, I... What can you say after a story of that boring?

That was a good story, that was touching story. I just picture you going out and I picture it being snowy and there's snow banks and I picture you rushing out into the snow and hurling it against the asphalt and it shatters and then I see a bread truck going by and Mr. Panchetta leaning out and going, what's the matter, boy?

And you say, my voice, my voice, I'll never make it in the business. He says, here, have a warm biscuit and he hands you one and you bite into it and you know, things will work out. It's so close to what really happened except he leaned out and said, it's GIF. In that accent that you just said.

I don't do accents. You worked with... I wanna bring this up because I worked with the man at Cernot Live for a number of years, Phil Hartman. I know you guys worked together. Did you do improv with Phil back in the day? Yeah, he was in the groundings.

He was just so fantastic. I just found a whole bunch of photos of Phil in a box that I'm going through all these, looking for all this stuff to show during the Pewee's Big Adventure 35th anniversary tour. And so I found a bunch of photos of... Because Phil worked on the movie with you. Phil co-wrote Big Adventure.

Yeah. You know, people always ask me about Phil and I always say, well, for my money, he was the best utility player that Cernot Live has ever had. He could play anything. He could be the dad in one sketch, then the juvenile delinquent in the next sketch.

And so he was amazing that way. And the other thing that I loved about that was remarkable about Phil is that all the years I worked with him, people said, well, what was he like? He was always in character, kind of when I would try to talk to him. I'd come in and I'd go, hi, Phil.

And he'd be like, hello, kid. And then he'd say, keep him flying, boys. To me and the other writers, keep him flying. That's the way to go, fellas. And he would always talk like he was in a parody of a World War II movie. And then I'd see him out in the world sometimes. I'd see him walking down the street and be like,

hey, Phil, how are you? It's aces, kid, I thought. So I don't know. No, he was like that. You probably, I don't know if you broke through and saw a different Phil, but that's the Phil I always saw. No, he was just like that with me.

Me and Phil and John Paragon were the three kind of guys at the groundings. And we would sit in my car in the parking lot and just spend all hours and hours fantasizing about what it would be like if we were ever working actors and made our living as actors and stuff. And it was just, when I think back on it now,

it was so amazing and corny. You turned me onto this amazing like Secret Magic show once, which we don't have to talk about. If I'm not supposed to talk about it. We can, I don't care. No, no, it's. But you took me to, you said, hey, I've got something you might be interested in.

And I thought you were gonna sell me drugs, to be honest with you. And I was hoping that that's what would happen. But you didn't. You took me into this really interesting part of Los Angeles to this magical place where they put on kind of a burlesque show. And I took my wife and it was just amazing.

Then there was a party afterwards. But it felt like it was this secret world that nobody in LA knows about. And I'm sort of loath to even talk about it because I don't want to ruin the sort of coolness of it. Well, in actuality, they're making a documentary that's going to include quite a bit of stuff about that. The place you're talking about,

the actual location of it is called Brooklage. That's the name of this property. And it was at one time, the destination for magicians before the Magic Castle. And the family, it was the Larson family that owned that property and still owns that property. And the two Larson brothers founded the Magic Castle. But their property, one of their property at Brooklage

had a little theater, has a little theater in the backyard that seats, I think it's about a 70 seat theater. It's tiny. And it's over a creek. There's a real creek that runs through this property in the middle of Los Angeles. And there's, I guess, an underground, I don't know, this would be something you might know about.

I've never heard of it. You haven't heard of this? Because it's not so up your alley. I don't know who you think I am, but yeah. There's a, apparently like a river that runs underneath Los Angeles. And then it surfaces, or a creek, and it surfaces in this one little neighborhood

and it runs right through this estate. So there's a little babbling brook. Part of Los Angeles. I can't say. Oh, I think that's too personal. I think it was a mistake of us even saying Los Angeles. No, no, no. The reason is because they're making a documentary

about the Magic Castle and this family. Right. And this will be part of it. There's quite a bit of stuff about Brooklyn. Well, it was magical. And I think you must know about all kinds of stuff like that. That's the absolute best one I know about. I do know about a few other places.

Like a couple of times, the podcast is called Conan and Brian Needs a Friend. And you and I have talked recently about getting together and getting a meal. And I don't want to pick the place. I want you to pick the place. I send you great places, like three places. I thought we'd be doing it after this podcast,

but, you know, I never heard back from you. That's not true. It is true. That's not true. Don't make me go and resend that. You sent me an email that invited me to. I said, like, what do you do after the podcast that I'll be doing on this date, like weeks ago?

Weeks? I mean, I'll give you one thing. It was over the holiday. So, you know, you were probably in... I was in Stodd. Central Bay. No, I was in Stodd. I was in Stodd with some of the biggest celebrities

you can imagine. The Weeknd. Oh my God. It's true story. I was in Stodd with The Weeknd. Why are you laughing at that? Why is that funny to you? I feel like you just said any name

that you think is hip and cool. You just saw Uncut Jams, so that's why. No. I was in Stodd with The Weeknd, and if you doubt me, you can ask The Weeknd. Oh, I'm sorry to use it in my... Was it for The Weeknd? Yeah, you were in Stodd for The Weeknd.

I think you're mistaken. I, no, I didn't mean that. I wanna do more episodes of this. I, listen, first of all, we'll see. We'll see how this pans out. I get it. But... It's the way you wanna be.

But... I know The Weeknd also, by the way. Do you? And The Weeknd Day. Listen, all of your references so far have been... Betty Grable is the newest reference for The Weeknd. I just said The Weeknd.

You just repeated me, and I said it, because I think I saw it on a blog. Anyway, I was in Stodd with The Weeknd, so I did not see what you're talking about. And I'm a notoriously bad e-mailer. I don't, I'm not comfortable in the world of e-mail. I prefer a letter in the mail. It's really how I prefer things.

I sent in several letters, too. I resorted to e-mail only after, as I was saying to Grace Kelly in Monaco, just recently, about this very subject. Just what I wanna know. Over The Weeknd, by the way. Are we going to, I kept thinking, I want Paul to figure this out,

because I wanna go someplace interesting. If it's up to me, it's going to be the Cheesecake Factory. And I, and... That's where I wanted to go. No. No, I was gonna go to the Cheese Something Factory, but... What are you doing? You just grab a pen.

I'm gonna write down the name, so I don't have to say it out loud, and see if you've ever been to this restaurant, because it's so, you have been here, right? I have been there. That's where I was gonna suggest. Right. Only if you had never...

He just wrote Hooters on a piece of paper. I've been there. Only if you had never been here, because... But I'd go there again. It's close to here, and this time of year, the view is incredible. We're not talking about Hooters, by the way. That was just, you're just kidding the kidder, right?

No, no, no, I, of course. I did what was called a joke. I made a joke. It's called Hooters. Hootiers. Who give? I will go there with you to that place. We can't stay, because if word gets out, what's facing?

Paul Rubens and Conan O'Brien are going to a restaurant. I wasn't sure if you could even go out. Like, if you go out places and people just, you know, talk to you all the time. You know what I do? I go out dressed as lesser celebrities, so that I'm not hassled. What?

I really do. I go out disguised as a celebrity who I believe is a nacho two below me, and I don't wanna say any names, because I think that's hurtful. But that way... Come down. Oh my God.

Oh, I'm in a total agreement over that one. Yeah. See? But then there's this one right here. Ooh. Yeah. No, I wanna be... Is there a ghost?

No, I wanna be bothered somewhat. I don't wanna go out in disguise. I want people to kind of recognize me, and that's why I'll go out as someone who was like in sitcom in the 1980s and hasn't worked much since. So that people go, oh, you know, and I get some attention, but not it's not the overwhelming,

there's Conan O'Brien. Well, you can just imagine the mania that would break out if I were seeing something. I can only imagine it. So you've been with me many times, and it gets out of control. It does not get out of control. It gets completely out of control.

Some people look at you and they're like, yeah. Is it him? No. Yeah. I feel like people look at me and go like, oh my God, it's no, it's not, it can't be him. Well, so let's talk about that, because you made it in this huge way as this other entity.

But when you walk around, people, do they know it's you right away? I don't think they do, but you know this too, or maybe you don't, like you can, I can never tell. And I'm always very into, and like as I walked down the street, I'm like, does this person recognize me? Did they recognize me?

Are you thinking about that all the time? Oh, every second I'm wondering, are people recognizing me or not? You know what's funny? So if they do, there's a little anxiety, I bet, that they will recognize you, because then you have to engage in conversation, and you might, the bubble will be broken.

But if they don't recognize you, then your feelings are hurt. So you're in a fucked up situation. I was at your party at Christmas, speaking with somebody about this very subject. I'm not making this up and going, by the way, I am always in situations where people start to go, oh my God, I really love you,

and I love that thing you did. And it turns out to be you, the person that I was talking to, it was Martin Short. Really? All the time, people, I'm halfway through, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, you're talking about Ed Grimley, not Pee Wee Herman. And they're like, oh, I mean, they never go like,

same difference, but they're kind of like. People confuse you with Martin Short. Yes, quite often. That's who I am. And does anyone ever, do you think anyone ever goes up to Martin Short and thinks that they're Paul Rubins? If they do, Martin Short wasn't kind enough

to tell that to me. That would have been nice if he said that to you. Sure, he could have even made that up. You know what I get a lot? If you're listening, Marty, I know your friends call you Marty. God, you're so much, you're so filled with venom. I am.

A lot of nerve, hit and nerve, ooh, yeah. A lot of people think I'm Greta Gerwig. I get that a lot now. They do. People say, oh my God, you're so young and you're beautiful. You're so much taller then. Yeah, you're very tall.

How did you do Little Women? How did you direct Little Women? And I go, I'm happy in the first part. And then I suddenly, I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not Greta Gerwig. And then I talked to Greta Gerwig and she said she does not get mistaken for me. I want to meet Greta Gerwig.

I really do. That's like a serious, real thing. I'm saying it on your show in case she's out there or any of her friends are going, go Greta, he could be sending you gifts or gifts or whatever on your birthday. This, a lot of celebrities listen to this podcast. Really?

And I'm gonna say, and I'm not even kidding, there's a 95% chance that Greta Gerwig is listening right now. Well, I'm out to her people already. Yeah, well, this is faster. All right. You're never gonna get through her people. Okay. You know, after Little Women, that's a lot of people.

I loved Little Women and I loved the other movie that she made before that. Lady Bird. Lady Bird. I was testing you. I knew what the name of it. Lady Bird, that's the Lyndon Johnson story, right? It's the story of Lyndon Johnson

and the musical score was by the weekend. So it all comes together. Full circle. Yeah. I know a lot of cool modern references. You seem to be very... Backwards. Backwards and back in the 40s and the 50s,

but a day doesn't go by that I'm not listening to the latest rap by Aquafina. What? Or, you know, we're in the latest threads. I know what to do. You couldn't even think of another person to name. I said Aquafina and I think that's enough. Don't think that should be required

to know other names than that. Paul, you and I, I think, don't need to know about the modern world because we both live in our own heads, we're happy where we are. We don't need to know who all these rappers are, you know? Why do I need to know what Most Def is doing? Oh, my God. You're asking the wrong person, though, really.

I mean, you're, this is... Most Def, that's another one, right? Yeah. This is more an actor now. Yeah, I know. This is the Blind Boys of Alabama leading the Blind Boys of Alabama. Just to make a, you know, fairly current reference

from some, a group from the last 40 or 40. I don't think you and I should be communicating in this modern medium. The podcast is a modern medium, listened to by a lot of very young, cool people, and you and I are not qualified to be here. What's the difference between a podcast and a radio show, by the way?

Exactly. I think that all the time. Because I'm making a radio show and people keep going, no, no, no, you're making a podcast. And I go, I think I know what I'm making. And they go, no, if you think you're making a radio show, then obviously you don't. A podcast, I love that story, don't you?

I like the beginning and I like the middle. I didn't like the end. The ending was disappointing. I can fix the end. I'll take that note. Yeah. Podcast is, can we listen to it at any time? I suppose that's one of the big differences.

Yeah. Podcast comes from iPod, it's a pun on broadcast, but it was invented or sort of like popularized by the iPod. I didn't know that and I've been doing one of these for a year and a half and I didn't know that. I bet a lot of people that are listening right this moment didn't know that.

And we would have no way of knowing whether they're lying or not, except, yeah. I assume they're all lying. Guys, you go one of them. Look at that, you go angry. They're all liars. You go angry and bitter every time. Ever since you smashed that.

Every second. Phonograph record in the snow, another baker. You're a delightful fellow. Thank you. You really are. And I know you're. Does that mean we're out of time? No, you're wrapping it up right now?

I can do whatever I want. I am. The great thing about a podcast is. I'm just curious. No one's breathing down on it. Conserve my energy. Are we gonna go out to this place that you wrote down? You mean right now?

I can't go now for hot reasons. I can't go now. N-A, working, hello. Oh. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, pick up, hello. You mean that line of celebrities out there was all waiting to do their next, the next podcast? You mean the Backstreet Boys, Griffin Dunn.

Oh my God. Wow. Uh. That's good. Damn. Right now? Are you challenging me to come up with like. Boys to men.

Your names. Boys to men, waiting out there in the hallway. Men at work. Yeah, men at work out there. Thompson twins. There you go. If it's an 80s name, I know it. We weren't doing 80s trivia, were we?

No, but Shade is out there waiting to talk to me. Shade? She told me it was Shade. Yeah, well, she pronounces it GIF also, so. Did you really have this evening booked? Did you think you and I were gonna have to go to dinner tonight? Because I wanna go to dinner with you.

I hoped. When are we gonna get to go? Let's just say I used the word hope in my mind. When are we gonna go? But as I got in the car to come over here, I realized, yeah, I haven't heard from him still. What is it now, seven weeks? I take it easy.

I was in Shtad with the weekend. What I wanna do is make sure that we do this meal. For three months, you were there? Oh, okay. Go ahead, it's your show. The weekend is a very slow skier. Listen, you and I. Downhill skier.

Isn't that the name of a movie? Oh my God. Downhill racer? Downhill something. What, are you okay? What happened? I don't know. Dunhill cigarettes?

I'll take things that begin with done for 100. Well, I think we're done. How about that? Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, segue. Pretty good, huh? Yeah. We are out of time.

I do have to go and speak to all the guests that are waiting to speak with me. I have a lot of them. The lawyer for Raoul Julia. Oh, you do? Oh, absolutely. You just made it very clear that you had dinner blocked out for me.

No, I take it all back. Do you have someone you can have dinner with? Can we do a second take of this whole show? I think we just did. This is fantastic. I think you should be very happy with it. I'm thrilled. I'm so thrilled.

I'm trying my best not to go dark and bitter right this second, but no, I like it. And my people will be contacting you immediately as soon as I get in the car. You have no people, do you? No. No. No.

Paul. Listen, you seem really busy. I'm gonna let you let me run. And that was defensive. I will, you and I are gonna have this dinner. We're gonna have this dinner and it's gonna be a really good time. 2021, I'm thinking, right?

We're gonna do it this month. We're doing it this month. I wish I could. I mean, I wish I was available. You're booked the whole month? Well, I'm going out on tour. I don't think I've mentioned that more than two or three times, have I?

How can people see this show? We gotta get the board out. They can't, it's sold out. So I have no reason to plug in whatsoever. I love it when people plug stuff that's sold out. Yeah, we do. Fuck you. What a good feeling.

You wanna come? Good luck. Good luck. Where's the boat there, Skittles? What's your problem? I'm so sorry. It's a candy. Okay.

Paul, thank you so much. When we do go to dinner, I will pay for 230. Thank you. And you can't thank me enough, I feel. You can't do enough for me, I feel. You have dead eyes. I'll just say it at the end. Just looking right through me.

Scared, frightened, now you're just making sounds. This is the end of the podcast with Paul Robbins. Goodbye, everyone. Now, Conan, you've been podcasting for about a year and a half now. Is it a year and a half now? Yeah. You feel well-seeded in this industry, do you feel like a podcaster? I wouldn't say the first thing that would come to mind would be Conan O'Brien podcaster.

No. I mean, obviously you have other things you do, but I'm just saying, do you feel comfortable doing it? How's it going? I do. I just, to be honest, no joking around, I feel, I really enjoy talking to everyone I've spoken to and it's felt very easy and freeing. Yeah.

I will say that. I do use some terminology that don't exactly gel with podcasting. For instance, these are quotes. When you're shooting a podcast, tune into this show on air if you've just joined us and how many viewers do we have? So I thought, well, listen, let's try and remember that I came up in old school show business. Yes, of course.

It's understandable. And I'm new to this medium and I tend to think of doing a show, which I've been doing for whatever, 26, 27 years. And so, yes, sometimes I misspeak and only a cruel man would document those mistakes. I would never do that to someone else. No, never. Okay. I'm not someone who sees flaws.

I only see assets. Now, Sonia, you've been podcasting for a year and a half now as well. I have. Yeah. And I thought what I'd do is have you guys do a little quiz on podcast facts and terminology and see who among the two of you is the more just sort of knowledgeable podcast. Okay. All right.

I'm ready to go and I'm confident I will win. Okay, this is exciting. I'm pretty confident I will win. I will win. He doesn't know anything about technology. I will win. So that's, I already kind of win anyway. Very smart guy.

I will win. Well, okay. Yeah, it's very, very smart. About books. This was an American history quiz. He'd kill it, but anything that has to do with the 21st century, you're not good at it. Wow.

That was terrible. So do you think anything 2000 on, I don't know anything about? Yes. Okay. I'm going to win this. Yeah. Okay. These are statistics about podcasting by Nielsen and Edison.

And so whichever one of you gets closest to this, there's seven questions. Each one has a numerical answer. You're not expected to know, but let's see how do we win anything if we win. Just bragging, right? I think. I want those. And those will go big here. Yeah.

Okay. I feel like I have those anyway, but anyway. Oh my God. Come on. This little half-filled Purell hand sanitizer, which is a hot commodity right now. These are not on the shelves. Okay. Let's do it.

All right. Ready? First question. As of 2020, how many active podcasts are there? Now these are not episodes. These are actual just individual shows. Shows. Anybody who has a microphone can have a podcast.

I'm going to say a million. Just make it around million. I'm going to say 850,000. You know. Fuck. What? You got it on the note. That makes me so angry.

Me too. Me too. Of course I did. Jesus. That makes me so mad. Of course I did. It's approximately 850,000. Well, if you look it up, it's.

It's exactly. Yeah. 850,000. Exactly. Okay. Koni, you go first on this. Sure. How many episodes of podcasts are there?

Right. Well, now it gets to be a much different number, but I would say that's 6.4 million episodes. 6.4 million. Sona. 8 million. The answer is 30 million. Sona. All tied.

We were all tied. We were way off. Yeah. Okay. I was going by how many of them are actually listening. Okay. That's still being generous. Yeah.

I mean, ones that you could listen to, Frank, from beginning to end. Okay. 30 million. You still didn't get it. Okay. Welcome to Buttons. We talk about buttons on shirts. We did ceramic buttons yesterday.

Today we're doing plastic buttons. Our guest today works with shirts. Sorry. That's all right. Number three, Sona, you will go first. How much of the U.S. population has listened to a podcast? I think that's much less than we would... And that's percentage.

Okay. I'm going to say it's much less than we would guess. I want to say it's about 12%. You have to exclude all people over a certain age. Just going off of my parents. Yeah, mine too. Who keep telling me, we want to see your podcast, but we don't know what channel it's on. And this is with my brother and sister's help.

They help. My brothers and sisters try and help them. And they're still waiting for it. So that's a huge swath of the country. A country that's 327 million people in this country. My eyes are blind. My eyes are blind. My eyes are blind.

It doesn't help you. It's doing anything. It's 11%. 11%. Interesting. You didn't do the prices right and just one up her with... No, that's cheesy. I'm not going to do that.

You should have, because Sona was closer. It's 51%. Whoa. Wait a minute. Does that mean they've really heard it or it's been on in the background while they were shuffling over it? She says they've listened to a podcast. That's a lie.

That's not true. These are incorrect. I'm very surprised. Yeah, that's not true. I am really, really surprised. That is an incorrect number. No, you're only saying that because you got it wrong. From the Nielsen and the Edison companies.

Oh, yeah. Edison. Oh, it's good to go to the people at Edison. I know, I'm Nielsen. I made a lifebook and Nielsen, the two most irrelevant companies. I'm sorry. Doesn't like the results when he's not winning. Look how hostile he gets.

I'm not getting hostile. I just think let's be honest. Who told you this? These are the generally accepted statistics. You didn't have a problem when you did a 850,000 podcast. You didn't have a problem. I didn't know that that's the correct number. Yeah, that was okay then.

It is currently two to one. We went to Nielsen. Okay. And we also asked Mr. Edison what he thought. We're awaiting his returns on a wax cylinder. Here they come. Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere where Mary went, no Irish would hope to go. Hated the Irish. Okay, number five. And this is back to Conan, right? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Also, you guessing 11% when I guessed 12% is a dick move.

You should know that. Wait, do we get out of order for who goes first? Wow, you're a good host. So you haven't done this before, Gourly? No, I have not given anyone a podcast quiz before. Wow. But you're a big guy in the podcast community, right? Not in the podcast quiz community.

Okay. I didn't realize that was a subset. We're here at Buttons. Oh, God. Tomorrow, clap buttons. All right, number five. I'll never be a podcaster. I don't have what it takes.

Oh, sorry, number four. No, Conan does go first. Oh, my God. Let it go. No one cares, Gourly. How many describe themselves, how many Americans in the US population describe themselves as, quote,

avid podcast fans, percentage? That would be at this point, I'm going to say 19. No, I'm going to say 20%. 20%. I'm going to go higher. And I'm going to say 27%. We are tied.

The percentage is six. I knew that. I just wanted to go a little higher. You got it right and you're still like, you're still making your comments. Well, I'm waiting to hear what Mr. Edison has to say. Okay. Oh, my God.

So I want to be on the cutting edge. This is sad. So what percentage of podcasters are male female? So what percentage are male? What percentage are female? I think it's very male. So I'm going to say 70, 30. 70, 30.

Conan. I'm not comfortable with those gender classifications. I want something a little, it's more inclusive. Okay. So you're going to abstain from this question? I think it's male, female. What is this? I got it right.

1955. I mean, if you don't answer, I'm going to have to be forced to give it to someone. Okay. If you're forcing me to ignore huge swaths of the population, I'm going to say 60, 40. More male. The answer is 52% male, 48% female.

Oh, come on. Oh, come on. You're right. Oh, man. Well, we're not over yet. Okay. Okay. Back to you.

No, this is coming. Who's this now? Who goes first? Shut up. I would love it if you took your Irish mouth. I would love it if you took over a famous game show. Wait, hold on. Okay.

Hold on. Wait a minute. Whose turn? Wait. It's like Wheel of Fortune. Pat Sajak's out for the week, but Matt Gorley's in. Wait, is it Sarah or Che? I don't know.

Wait, no, no, no. Don't you go. Don't you go. Wait, hold it. I wrote it on my hand. Oops, it smudged. Oh, my God. It's like doing a quiz with a toddler.

It is. Yeah. By toddler, you mean someone who's filled with innocence? Oh, my God. Someone who has not been corrupted by the world around him. Then yes, I'm a toddler. Oh, God. Simple love of mama drives me.

Jesus. Oh, God. Christ. Number six. What percentage of listeners increase the speed of playback? He doesn't even know what that means. I do, because you have an option. Sometimes I accidentally hit my, I don't listen to this podcast much, but anytime I have,

I try to slow it down a little bit to make my voice sound more masculine. It's not possible to slow it down. I wish it was. You can only make it go faster. So what's the question again? What percentage of US listeners increase the speed of playback? Oh, God. This is, yeah, this really shows a lot about how much we know about podcasts.

Hey, just have some fun. Okay. You don't need to. You just have to guess the number. I didn't come up with this quiz. Wait, just have some fun. Yeah. What percentage increase playback speeds?

Impossible. Oh, oh yeah. And then, and then because I don't enjoy this game. Next percentage. Oh, my God. Which percentage of Italian women? You are a galactic asshole. That's hard to do.

Yeah. That's, I mean, night spans. What percentage increase? You can win it right here if you get this. I'm going to say, I'm going to say 9%. Okay, Sony, you can do this. Stay in the game. I'm going to go a little higher.

Oh, he's nodding and stuff. He's like giving you. No, he's not. I looked it down on my paper. No, he's not. I'm going higher because I think people can be very impatient. Does that include speeding through advertisements? It doesn't say.

Dammit. And you've already answered. If it includes speeding through advertisements, it's much higher. Okay. So he said 9%. He's already building in. I'm going to say, I'm going to just go slightly higher than him. And I'm going to say 11%.

It's 19%, and you are still in this, Sona. This is the final question, and this is for all the marbles. All right? It feels so good. There's never been... You're actually acting a little excited about the game. That's good. Yeah, all right.

The room feels taut. The tension is palpable. The contestants are poised to take home all of the spoils of victory for this podcast quiz. Number seven, how much time do self-described weekly podcast listeners listen per week? I got it. I go first. I know. I just want you to know that I know exactly what it is.

Go ahead. I'm going to say 20. 20 hours? Yeah. Is that too many? Yeah, it's too many. Shit. Yeah, it's okay.

That's too many. Yeah, it's going to be more in the... It's going to be more in the four range. Conan's the winner. Six hours and 30 seconds. What? 30? Did I say 20?

You said 20. Some of the podcast people listen to are hours and hours long. Yeah, but those are... I mean, come on. That's true. I mean, I see your logic. I was just... I was saying, you know, people are commuting a lot.

They're commuting a lot. You know what, Sona, learn to be like me a good loser. Had I lost, I would have been very gracious. We'll never know. I cannot believe I lost this quiz. I'm sorry too. I don't know. But also, can I say this wasn't...

I'm so angry. These percentages and... I mean, is that really telling us how much we know about podcasts? All the information that's out there. It's all I could find when I looked for about two minutes. My blood is boiling. Here is your reward. It is a half-filled bottle of Purell hand sanitizer.

I drink this stuff. Listen. My blood is actually boiling right now. I am filled with an incredible amount of rage. I hate that I lost this. You don't like to lose. You're not a good loser. I'm not.

Which is surprising because you think you'd be a nerd to it by now. I am really upset. Are you really? Yes. This isn't a big deal. And yet I won. Oh, you don't want to shut up. You're saying it's not a big deal because you won.

Did I win? Did I win? I forget who won. No, you didn't lose. If you didn't win, you'd be an absolute dick right now. Please. Let's not use that word. I find that to be offensive and a little gender-specific.

Oh my God. Very sensitive. I'm so mad. Various genders. I'm so mad. Anyway. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Well, we might have to do more quizzes just so you can win.

Okay. We learned a lot. We did. We learned a lot about some of our character. Yes. Yes. I won graciously. Oh my God.

Very hard to win graciously. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here.