Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Paul Rudd Returns

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Actor Paul Rudd feels heart-warmed about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Paul sits down with Conan once again to talk about their love of European food, measuring their junk, Paul’s upcoming projects, and getting knee-deep in the shit. Later, Matt Gourley shares a song about his relative who was attacked by a chicken. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Paul Rudd, and I feel heart-wormed about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I've heard of things being heart-worming. I often get confused with actually heart-wormed. What's the one where there are worms, actually worms in my heart? That's how you feel. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk in the blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined as always by my incredible team, Sonam of Sessian, my assistant of, has it been 13 years? It's been 13, since you've moved to LA, yeah, 13 years. Yeah, 13 years. And Matt Gorely, how long have we been doing the podcast now? Is it about three years, four years? Over three years. Over three years.

You mentioned just before we started recording that, I mean, because this podcast, I know you do other things, and you're well-known in the podcast world, and you've been quite successful, and... Why is this so painful for you to say? Because whenever I'm with you and someone else comes in from the podcast world, they're kind of, they're like, oh hey Conan, and then they see you, and they lose their shit. It's true. And they're always like, oh my god, you've hosted all my favorite podcasts, and you're so funny. And so that's when you start to see me deducting amounts from your checks.

I wonder what happens. And by the time you're complimented in my presence, and that you're getting more praise than me, I feel like I have to crack down on you. My check comes now, and all it is is a coupon to Yoshinoya Beef Bowl. You know how hard it was? It's actually nice. You know how hard it was for me to get those coupons? You'd just be grateful. Why was it hard for you to get Yoshinoya coupons?

Because you have to drive to each outlet and ask for the coupons, and it took a lot of time. It took me half a day to get all those coupons. Oh, and I want to quickly say, I was in a restaurant two days ago having a meal with my executive producer, Jeff Ross, at lunch. And there was this couple sitting near us, and then they got up to leave. They never acted at all. You know, like, oh, there's Conan or anything like that. They were just very chill the whole time. I did a very good job pretending they didn't care.

And then the woman got up, and she walked over to me, and she said, by the way, Sona is a saint. And I said, no, she is not. We got into it. We got into it. She was like, well, I think she's a saint. And I said, she has many things, and I love her to death, and she's great, but she is not a saint. And even you would agree, Sona, that you were not a saint. You know, I'm not.

That's not a word I would use to describe me. But what does it say that she thinks I am? I mean, it just means that you come off as terrible, and I come off wonderful. Well, people hear all the things that I do, and they still think I'm a saint. Sona is a saint, and Conan, you're a demon, and I feel like you're on both of my shoulders. Yes, one of us is on the right shoulder, one is on the left shoulder. I think it's like, you know, when you're looking at a sweater and you think it's blue, you think this is, I think it's a pretty blue sweater, and then someone holds up a really blue sweater.

I think that, I think in my regular life, I'm an okay chap. I'm a fine gentleman. But then there's something about when I'm talking to Sona and to Gourley, where it's like holding two sweaters up, and suddenly you realize the sweater that I am in this scenario is a shit brown. I go along with that. And you two are these fluorescent orange. You make us look good. I make you look good.

You do, yeah. Thank you. So Matt, you had a dream about the podcast, I'm told. Is that right? Well, it's funny you should mention sitting in a restaurant, because I had this dream. I was driving in Santa Monica, which already makes it a nightmare, because I'd never go to the west side. And I was, do you remember McCabe's guitar shop? I was headed there. I used to hang out at McCabe's all the time in my early days, like working on the Simpsons. The Simpsons, the Fox lot is not too far from McCabe's.

And I would go there all the time and try out the acoustic guitars. This place was amazing. Yeah. Anyway, so I was heading there and it was closed. So I went to eat at this really shishi restaurant by myself. And I walked in and the major D goes, oh, no reservation. What have you done in TV and film? And I'm like, nothing to speak of really.

And I said, but I'm on the Conan O'Brien podcast and he goes, right this way. And he sat me down at the nicest table. He did that thing where they like brought a table in. From Goodfellas. From Goodfellas. There's no table, but they bring a table in that didn't exist before and put it down and immediately set it beautifully. First of all, why don't you just admit this wasn't a dream and that this happens everywhere you go. Hi, I'm Matt Gorley.

I don't have tickets to see Paul McCartney in concert. Well, if you don't have tickets, you can't go and see this legend on his current tour. I know. What have you done? Not much. Anything? Well, I work with Conan. Conan O'Brien!

And then he has explosive diarrhea. And then he seats me on Paul McCartney's piano. Paul brings you up. Who's got a surprise here? You've got someone who works with Conan O'Brien. Crowd screaming. Stop cheering for Conan so I can play. Hey Jude, still cheering.

Conan, Conan. Oh, come on. Everyone settle down. I'll sing a Beatles song we never released for the first time ever. Would you like to hear that? Conan, Conan, Conan. Oh, this isn't fair. Conan's so popular.

I guess I'll never get this secret song that Beatles wrote out. Oh well, might as well go home. Mistake to bring Gorley on stage. Conan, Conan, Conan. Wait a minute. I blacked out and told that whole story. You did. Well, that was the dream I had and I'm sticking to it.

I like that dream. That's a delicious dream. I thought you might. Anyway, we should move ahead with what I think is going to be a very silly episode. Yeah, speaking of Paul. In my book, there are two Pauls. Paul McCartney and Jay Paul Getty. Jesus.

No, no, no. Come on. Yes, you said speaking of Paul. Yeah, speaking of Paul, my guest today, he is one of my favorite people of all time. He's appeared in countless movies and TV shows over the years, including Clueless, Friends, Anchorman, Parks and Recreation, Ant-Man, and Ghostbusters Afterlife. Halloween 6. What?

Oh, Matt. Was he? He's the lead in Halloween 6. Oh, has that come out yet? It was out in the 90s. It was his first movie. Oh, that's great. I wanted you to ask him about this.

The first time he was on, I put it in the research notes, and you didn't ask him. Well, okay, but that's so shitty to get me to more or less say I didn't know about a movie he did. It's from. I love this guy, and I didn't know he was in, what is it, Ghostbusters 6? No, Halloween 6, the curse of Michael Myers. All right. Well, stop it.

This is not helping. What is happening? Let me make it very clear that there are, I can't think of anyone I enjoy more. I really love this guy, and I'm thrilled that I get to chat with him today. He's been on before, but this is a guy. If I had my wish come true, he'd be on the podcast seven times a week, and it would ruin his career forever, but I wouldn't care. Paul Rudd, welcome.

This is a rare occasion because we almost never do this, but you came on the podcast about two years ago, and it was so great, and people loved it so much. And you and I have hung out since then. We had spent a long time together on an island alone, which is no one's business, but you and I had such a good time on the podcast that people keep saying, when's Paul Rudd coming back? And I've been saying, well, you know, so far, not really people haven't really come back. Who's this demand that you and I settle our beef?

But people are always constantly coming up to me saying, oh, and then you and Paul Rudd, he started doing this, remember, and I don't remember, because I don't think you remember either. No, I don't. I mean, this is news to me. I'm thrilled. First of all, excited to be back on the cast. It's cool that I call it a cast.

This is a cast. It's a cast. Yeah. These are roles we're playing. But I don't remember. But now that you're saying it, the one thing I do remember was something about, we were talking about grilling and chicken, I think. Yes.

And then it got very erotic. And I have people on the street. As it does. Yes. And I have people on the street say, oh my God, you and Rudd, you know, the barbecue. And I was like, I know something funny happened, but I don't remember exactly what it was. Well, you do so many of these. I mean, I've only done one and I don't need to remember.

You've done hundreds of them. Yeah. And I'm forgetting this now. I don't remember, oh, it is you. It is Paul Rudd. I'm quickly forgetting everything. Well, if I mean, first of all, if people have been clamoring to get me back on this show, one, I'm excited about it and grateful.

But I'm just thinking about how let down they're going to be by the hour that's about to happen. I guarantee you that this next hour will be at least three times better than the first one that you heard. Or your money back. Oh. Yeah. What do you think of that?

That's not bad. Is there an address that we could write in to get our money back or is it just? It's in New Mexico. Okay. What's the address they always gave when we were kids? There was an address you always wrote into. Oh, right. Like if there was at the end of the commercials.

At the end of the commercial, it would say right in and it was this PO box in New Mexico. There was a lot of stuff and was it a lot of things in Battle Creek, Michigan, or maybe I'm just thinking of Purina. Yeah. And the cereal. I think that's also where Kellogg's. Kellogg's was in Battle Creek, Michigan. I used to send a lot.

A lot of blank faces looking at us right now. Yeah. And also people panic. This is nowhere near the level of the first podcast so far. No. Wheels have come off, like already out of the gate. We are running. Listen, this is the way I look at it.

Right now, we're in a deficit. We dug ourselves a hole. And you know what? Always the best place to, that's always where the best success stories start. This is thrilling. We are off to the worst start of any recording of two humans ever in the history of man. And we have to battle our way out and we're going to. It's a little bit like the Euro Cup when England scored against Italy in the first

three minutes, Italy fought back and won in penalties. Just going to say the same thing. Yeah. It's a huge aficionado of Euro Cup or as I call it, Euro Coupe. Well, that's the actual pronunciation. Yes. The Euro Coupe. Oh, that's right.

I apologize. The Euro Coupe. I follow it religiously. I know that you spend a lot of time in Europe. You're constantly traveling the globe and you collect art, fine art, statues, much like Citizen Kane. You have things shipped back. Yeah.

I'm my own code. Yes, FedEx shipping code. Now, here's another thing about me. What a foodie. And I like European food. Anyone who knows food calls it European food. That's right. Some people say, oh, I like French food.

Oh, I love Italian food. It's all European food. So you just, I love that you, you know, the times because you and I hang around each other a lot off Mike, mostly at your insistence, you don't seem to have a lot to do for a guy with an incredible career, but you're always saying, please, how about now? How about now? How about now? And I go like, okay, okay.

Maybe now, Jesus, what's his deal? But you always say to me, let's go out to dinner and I say, what do you want to get? And you say, let's go to a European restaurant. It's really tough to find a good European restaurant. I always, I Google up, I like European restaurants and then. And sometimes we'll be at a European restaurant and the chef will come out and then mention that the also today's special is like a borscht, a beet soup and you get livid and say, that's not Europe.

It doesn't count. It's not Europe. It's not the kind of Europe I want to eat. Yep. And you get rude. You get very rude. Well, you say, I am Paul Rudd and they go, we know Mr. Rudd and then you always repeat and say, excuse me, I am Paul Rudd and I demand true European cuisine, borscht is at best

Eastern European. Yeah. But I don't consider that the real Europe. No, it's not. I think most people that have been there would agree. It's not. And when I want, you know, it's, I don't mean to throw like my weight or my juice around, but it's like, come on, European food, what is, I don't, Eastern European food is where

in Eastern Europe are they known for their cuisine? Exactly. Fair. Yeah. Guess what? Fair. Yeah. And I know nothing about food, but I'm just assuming what you're saying is absolutely

right. Here's the thing about borscht. Yep. You can't spell it. It don't eat good. Whoa. Now, even though I can spell borscht, we have B O R S H E T T. Okay.

The E is silent, something about the Eastern European countries, they don't pronounce their E's. They're just throwing E's around and they don't even kill. They call it ill-European. Irrapan. They just held up a sign on the booth that said, nothing of substance so far. Wrap it up. These two guys are talking and nothing of, really nothing of merit.

Nothing they've said so far is some kind of elaborate lie meant to irritate people. Yeah. Well, let me ask you, what's, you know, we sit here and you're always asking questions of your guests. Can I ask, what's new with you? What's new in your life? That's nice. No one's ever turned the tables on me.

Well, I'm curious, you know, it's been a while since we've seen each other. Yeah. And I just want to tell people that I was very moved because on my second to last night of doing a late night show, you and a struggling young actor named Bill Hader were kind enough to come on the show. And then you had dinner with me afterwards and it was so much fun and it meant so much to me that two of my favorite really funny people came on to help me put a bullet through the brain of that thing.

Putting that talk show down was a lot like killing cattle. It was just a bolt through the brain. And then we made really good food out of it, but steaks and chops. But you guys, we had a really good time and it was one of those things where they were like shutting down the restaurant around us and Bill was like, we should probably go. And you got very belligerent. You were like, I'm Paul Rudd. Exactly.

Take this purple soup out of my face. Take this borscht out of my face, I'm a man of European importance. But we had a really lovely time. You were hilarious and a really good friend to do that. So I do thank you for that. I meant a lot to me. I was so happy to be there. I love both of you guys.

That was such a cool thing to come out, do the show and then go out to dinner after we prepared. Also, we had, there was this expectation, you know, we had wanted to sort of end the mac and me craziness and that stunt that you've managed to, this performance art stunt that you managed to pull out, pull off over, I think an 18 year span, which I think is unrivaled in television history. We wanted to do it, but the minute people saw you, it was going to be obvious that this was going to happen.

And then you guys figured out a way to do it that was so fantastic that in the moment, I think even I was fooled, we came up with you guys getting into a legitimate argument about something that seemed very legitimate. And no, we have this, we have the sketch, we have a piece of tape from SNL and we showed it and I talked to so many people who said, I was certain that Paul would do it. But then as they got talking, I kind of forgot about it. And then when that came up, I was like, fuck. You've wasted so many Americans time over the years with that bit.

It was really lovely. It is true. I never would have guessed it would have gone on that long. And people have done, you've seen the mashups, people do. Someone did a mashup, you literally see your skull change its shape over like a 20 year period. Yeah. Well, that's all the human growth hormone I've taken.

Yeah, I know, I know. Once you started playing a Marvel hero, I know they put you- Oh, it's, I mean. On HGH. Yeah, it's exactly right. Yeah, somebody actually during this interview might have to come in and give me an injection. Where does the injection go? Left buttock.

Okay. Usually a little higher, like a little, like not right in the middle, not in this little higher up. Sort of to the side of the dimple, to sit the low back. Yeah. Yeah. But I'll take it anywhere. I don't know if that's actually where people take it.

It seems like that's- I think the ass, you want it to be a fleshy area. I'm on HGH just for podcasting, which, you know, yes, I, when I got confused, but when I got started podcasting, I thought, well, shit, I got to get in shape. And I thought that probably like, you know, you did with Ant-Man, I just thought, I got a shred now. Yeah. So I went on this crazy diet.

I hired this insane trainer and I started doing HGH and I got fucking crazy pumped. Yeah. And I was doing the podcast for a while and started to dawn on me that this was completely unnecessary. You don't need it. No one can see me. Nobody can see me. But you can tell people right now, how do I look?

You do look big. Yeah. Yes. I got very big. You got really big. Yeah. Are you still taking the HGH? Yes.

Yeah. Religiously. Okay. Yeah. And my head got really fat. Well, all your features seem to be pronounced. Yes. They said that would happen.

I didn't know this. No one mentioned this. My testicles got very small. It felt like I was starting with like this Wonder Package, you know? Right. They got very small. Yeah. And then my thighs are huge.

So you can't even see anything down there. Do we, do you think it's a thing of your thighs got so huge that your balls just look small in comparison or they really did shrink? I'm glad you brought that up. I have calipers and when I started taking HGH, I was curious. So I've always kept throughout my life a measurement of my testicles and penis. Yeah. Yeah.

Two measurements, 2.2 and 3.2. Yeah. I confirmed that the thighs got a lot bigger and the penis is a third the size it used to be. Can I just applaud you for going with the calipers because if you really want an accurate measurement, calipers are the way you have to do it. Oh, you have to do calipers. Yeah.

And look, I know there are a lot of our listeners out there who measure their penises and a lot of people are like, I'm going to go get a ruler. No. A ruler doesn't do it. If you want to get girth, if you want to get circumference length, you got to get the actual measurements of the testicle. You got to, as you all know, we who measure, you start from the taint and you go out into the right.

This is the shit you have to do. So I was very serious about this and take it very seriously. But yes, I don't know why I got on HGH. I stayed on it. I've been on it since I started podcasting. I am huge. My face is distorted. I get constant headaches.

My urine is, it's a weird, it's not quite like Mountain Dew, but Mountain Dew-ish. I could sell it as Mountain Dew. And by the way, I think we could, yeah, but let's not go there. That's going to get, then there's a, oh, here's an angry letter from the Mountain Dew people. You know how I measure my penis? Let's hear about that because that was my next question by its character. So that's you. That's you.

How much depth you have as a person. It's just, no, no, no, no, a lot of people are like, what's the size and what's it look like? And you know, you are like, what, how does it behave? And how does it treat other, how does it treat other people? Exactly. Exactly. How does it, yeah, how does it treat other people?

Yeah. That's amazing. I wish more people were like that. I really do. Oh, well, thanks. I want to congratulate you on something. I know this happened a little while ago, but I have a true story to tell you, which is you, of course, were dubbed the sexiest man alive and congratulations on that.

I thought that was very cool. This is how our lives are different. Cool? Yeah. Sorry. What do you want me to do? Get all excited? I'm over here with a third of a penis.

You want me to get all crazy about your sexiest man alive? No, I don't at all. I don't at all. I'm just like, I hear it like, thank you. Thank you. No, no, listen, people are probably out there. This is an absolutely, I know we've been fucking around a lot, this is an absolutely true story. So this is how our lives are different.

You are named People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2021. My assistant, this is true, my assistant, Sona came in and said to me, People Magazine called and they're doing the sexiest man alive issue. And I was like, uh-huh. And she said, and they were asking, and I'm like, here we go, here we go. If you could be part, if you could be part of a insert segment on dad bods, guys with dad bods, and I said, what? And they went, yeah, they thought it'd be funny if, you know, they're talking about

all these really sexy men and then there's like a womp, womp section and would you do it Conan? That's what happened to me. You are on the cover as a sexiest man alive. This is not even made up. And they were asking me to participate. And I said, I will not. I inquired first if there was money.

And there was- Nothing? There was nothing. There was nothing. There was nothing in my heart. I think someone did it. I did not do it. And also I couldn't because I don't have a dad bod.

You don't. I mean, look at you. You look like Mark Gaston-o. I feel like Mark Gaston-o in so many ways. Yeah, I thought I wouldn't read his comedy. People would look at my body and go, that's not a dad bod. That guy's Jesus Christ. You could grate cheese on that guy's six pack, you know what I mean?

So I couldn't participate. I think it makes as much sense, like for me to be in that thing makes as much sense as for you to be in that thing. It makes no sense for me to be in that thing. I got to believe there was a glitch in there. You think there was a glitch in the computer? Yeah, I think they were supposed to go to Paul Reiser. You know, there's a really handsome guy named Saul Rudd.

And I think they went- Is that what- Yeah. There's an incredibly hot young actor named Saul Rudd. When you know, they said, get Saul Rudd on the phone, someone caught you on the phone. And then they were too embarrassed. Do you know that? Actually, this is true that when that happened, I was working on Ant-Man and Michael Douglas

said, he sent me an email saying, oh boy, and it was this really like lewd hilarious, but just lewd email about me being the sexiest man alive. Yeah. And it was graphic and if there's anything, he sent it. And he got a reply saying, was this meant for me? And he sent it to Paul Reiser. He really- Did he really?

I swear to God. He was like, I saw Paul R on my- That's fantastic. Yeah. I laughed. I really laughed when he told me that. Was there a second where Paul Reiser thought he was the sexiest man alive? Well, I think that, I don't know if he even ever mentioned the term sexiest man alive.

It was just maybe a really inappropriate email, which, you know, I think you could do that to Paul Reiser. It'd be okay. But you know, it's- It's a good thing it didn't go to the wrong person because God knows we can't have that. Right. Right. You know.

I mean, you got Paul Rudd-nick or Paul Rodriguez. There's a group that all probably got alerted. They all got lewd emails from Michael Douglas. Paul Rubens. Paul Rubens told- showed me the email he got from Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas is constantly sending the wrong emails to people and they're all rude. You know, they're all like lewd, rude and incredibly nasty and it's because he doesn't really look at the phone when he pushes blast, you know, as long as the name is anywhere in

the ballpark. Yeah. It's fine. He's constantly telling people, I'm sorry that you died. You seem like a happy fellow. What's the secret? How do you do it? I mean, so many people in this business, myself included are bitter.

We're peering around at others and saying, how come them? Why not me? Oh, I'm not so happy. Let's hear about that guy. I'm not so happy. Well, I think that, you know, I, I try to be optimistic by nature. I think, look, we're all going to burn up. You literally.

Yeah. You think we all die in fires? Oh, I think we're all, I think we're all, I think we're on a collision course to, to the end. Okay. That's, I'm a fatalist. No. And I think my disposition is probably less cheery than people would think.

But I don't, but I don't live my life in that space, right? That's good. So you've accepted. I love how vague you are about how we're all going to burn. Don't know exactly what that means. Well, we're all heathens. Oh, I see. Yeah.

I see. Yeah. You're very, you're very puritanical. A lot of people don't know that about you. It's true. But I like to, I also like to, you know, I like to be around people, I like to work, I like to do things. I've been working on this thing that has been really fun, actually, really kind of exciting

also because it's my own thing, which has been kind of great because you want to elaborate on that. Well, I wrote, I've written, I wrote with a friend of mine named Dan, Ethridge. He and I have been working on this like a series of, it's a small, it's like four episodes, but it's like a narrative, like an, like for Audible, you know, like a series that's been really kind of great because I don't normally get the opportunity to work on my own things like that is I'm usually a hired gun. So.

Right, right. But it's been fun and I've been working on it and recording it with my friends, which has been great. Adam Scott is in it. Oh, great. And Ken Merino, who I think you know, and Celia Weston, who I actually did a play with many years ago. Ken Merino of the other two, obviously, he is, plays the manager.

He is so goddamn funny. Oh, he's hilarious. I mean, that's a, that's a fantastic show. I love that show, but he is always makes me laugh. Oh, he's great. Part of that kind of that state collective. We've worked together a bunch and, but it's been, it's been cool. There it's, it's about this guy named Ken Croft, who has this has hung his own shingle

as being kind of a publicist that a low rent publicist and he, it's kind of really at the end of his rope. Things have just not gone well in his life and he stumbles into this craft store. This sounds strange, but this, there's a woman that's working there from New Orleans who's been displaced has ever since, you know, Katrina, which is years and years ago, but she's still she's, she's through and through New Orleans and a very positive person and he's smitten with her immediately because she's wearing a sweatshirt that just says, uh, Benye done that.

And, uh, and that would get me. And so it's, you kind of, you see this, it's very sweet, but funny in this kind of relationship between these two people and I actually brought, we've recorded it if you want to play a little bit of it. Sure. Uh, and it's with Celia Weston who's playing, we did a play years ago called Last Night of Ballyhoo. And I think, and this is where, uh, she is playing, uh, Gladys, who's the woman that's

working in this store. I'm playing Ken, uh, even though it's not Ken Reno who was in the show. He plays Carl, but, uh, this is between Ken Croft and Gladys, and this is from our podcast. Oh, for Christ's sake, why, why, you can't do this on a pod. There he goes. Wheelchair. You can't do that on a podcast. That's why I didn't see it coming.

Right. You can't do that on a podcast. It's a visual joke. I know. I swear to God. How could I, well that was, I don't know, it's never, it's an audio medium. I know. Would it work that way?

I don't know. I don't know. Is there, was there any truth to anything you said in the setup? No. No. Jesus. None of that was true. The joke continues.

You had me completely fooled honestly because I didn't think it, you can't do that on a podcast. Of course not. No. It won't. Such a waste. I think all she even says is Eric. Yeah.

Yeah. Eric. Yeah. Oh, trust me. I know the clip pretty well. Having watched it 160,000 times, well an audience roared its approval and I grew increasingly angry. I thought it was worth the attempt to just see how it goes on a podcast.

How is it? You know what? You know, we're going to find out from the listeners. Please tell us, you just heard the Mac and Me clip totally take me by surprise honestly. I swear on my life. Take me by surprise because I did not think that could happen on a podcast. I don't think it can work on a podcast, but you have to tell me. Maybe it does work.

Jesus. I looked over, I looked at my producer Adam and he nodded like, no, we have it. And I thought, well, that's weird. They didn't tell me. And then I see the beginning of the Mac and Me clip. I didn't even realize. Yeah. There's a computer screen.

They played it. Yeah. I didn't think they were going to play it. Well, how could it work at all? If I couldn't even see it. Oh, I'd hear Eric and I'd know. And I know that goddamn music and the sound of that, the sound of that wheelchair going over the cliff.

You're a terrible person. It took me a long time to realize that, but you really are. You know what's going to happen? Somewhere down the line, you're going to get word that Conan's in rough shape. We think he's checking out. He's got something really bad and you're going to come visit me in the hospital and you're going to start talking to me and you're going to have a doctor there who you say has a really good cure.

And I'm going to be like, this is incredible and you're going to say, yeah, you can actually see the disease is shrinking in your body and you're going to cut to that clip. And then I'm going to say, so there is no cure and you're going, yeah, there's no cure. I just had to do it one more time. But just. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, your disease is as bad as it's ever been in fact.

But let's enjoy this. Let's just enjoy this while we can. I would think while you were totally bullshitting me with that fake setup and you were talking about this audio show with Ken Marino that doesn't exist, but sounds like actually it should. I just thought of Ken Marino because literally he actually texted me on the way into this bucket. So that's where he was on my mind as we're making it up as I say, Benye done that, Benye

done that. Complete lie. Yeah. Okay. You're a sociopath. There's no other way to say it. There's no real you inside. There's just this shell that wants to waste people's time.

That's right. Well, you know, that's the thing. We're all burning up. Might as well just laugh while you can. You know, it's so funny, but when you were doing that setup and I was thinking about, you know, you are a hired gun, you get brought in to do all these things, but you are anyone who knows you, knows how incredibly funny you are, I would just have to think that being able to improvise some in movies would be kind of crucial to you, you know, like having

some freedom. And I know obviously Anchorman famously, I think you guys got to improvise quite a bit. I think other people saw you guys improvise in that and maybe thought it was easier than it really is because I saw there was a wave of improvisation in movies after Anchorman. And I would think, huh, maybe you guys should have taken another pass at this. No, we're doing the improvising thing that these brilliant comedy geniuses do. But I was, I would just think that would be so crucial to you to get to screw around and play.

Certainly, like depending on what it is that I'm working on and who it is I'm working with, you know, Anchorman was really big deal for me in that regard because I'd never worked on a movie, certainly a studio movie. I'd done improvisation and things in some other projects, but like ones that cost about $250,000 to make and nobody ever saw it and this was a studio movie, but it was a, but I'd never worked quite in that way with people like that funny and it was amazing. And so it had a real kind of effect on the way that I started thinking about comedy and working on movies because I had done many plays up until that point, you don't improvise

when you're doing a play. Well, you do if you're an incredibly pompous ass. Yeah. And one time I was in a play and like elementary school, I was in a bunch of plays and I had kind of a comedic part in Oklahoma and I was getting laughs and each night I would add more shtick and I got so over my skis and I remembered Mrs. Steel, the music teacher, pulling me aside and saying, knock it off. Cause I was literally looking out to the audience and going, well, hey, look who's out there.

Even big laughs. How old were you? Oh my God. Oh, I think I would have been fifth grade, sixth grade and I was the glimpse into your future was a good thing. It really was. I had a shotgun, but it was a character part. I think I was paw, someone, I was, I was some grandfather or something and I just kept,

I learned to do all these flips and tricks with, with the gun, you know, with the, with the shotgun or the rifle and I was doing that and I was pretending to chew bubble gum even though I didn't have any and pretending to blow bubbles and pulling focus and being a complete asshole and not knowing about the etiquette, you know, and then Mrs. Steel took me into a back room because the final night or the last straw was me looking out to the crowd. I think I had a rhetorical question like, you know, what are we going to do? And then I think I looked out of the crowd and said, do you fellers know, you know, Conan,

come with me. Oh, that's, that's amazing. Yeah. Well, I was the opposite. I, you know, the very first time I ever did anything, it was in second graders. I had one line and I had it written down. My one line, everyone was member off book memories. I had one line and I was holding a book as a prop and I actually wrote the line and taped

it. You have one line and it's taped in the book you're holding. It's taped to the cover of the book. So when I was so scared and I read it, I didn't even say it. It was, it was, did you hold the book up in front of your face? Just about. I remember the whole school that was in the other laughing, but it wasn't the kind of laughter that you were getting, which was good laughter.

I was, I felt so embarrassed. It was, they were laughing because it was ridiculous that I had read my one line. This is true. And you can attest to this. Having one line is much more terrifying than having 7,500 lines. Like if you have a lot to do, there's something kind of more calming about you can find the rhythm. You know, you've done this so much and you're a pro and all that.

I think we're going to say so accomplished. So accomplished. Do you ever have dreams still where you're having some sort of stress dream about you are, you're on the show, you're hosting, or you're doing, or you're interviewing somebody and you all of a sudden you don't know who they are or what they've done, but you're on TV. Yes. I, well, more specifically my recurring dream, and this is absolutely true, is that I'm trying

to entertain people, but no one's really paying attention and no one around me is helping. And the audience is there, but people are getting up and leaving and I've already lost the crowd. Did you ever miss the opportunities to rehearse days before, but for some reason you just didn't do it. And now you're here and it's the time of the show and you have to do it. No, I don't think I've had that specifically. It sounds like you have.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to lead this back to me. Is that what you want? No, no, I've had that. I've had those kinds of things. I have a dream, a recurring dream where it's opening night on a play, doing a play, and for some reason for the last four months there were rehearsals, but I missed all of them.

And it's like, it's tonight, it's opening night, and I have to memorize the entire play and we're going on in two hours. And you have to know like the music man number. Yeah, you have to know everything. Yeah. And or it's, or it's, they've just called half hour and we're going on, I'm like, what do I do? I have that quite a bit.

You know, what if there was an earlier draft of Martin Luther King's speech, I have a dream and it was just about, you know, a typical high school anxiety dream. I have a dream and it was just about him really getting into the weeds about, I go to school, but I'm not wearing clothes and, you know, and I don't have my English paper. And then he had a better idea. He had to revise it. In the car on the way over, he was reading it out loud and everyone's looking at me in my underwear.

And I was like, you know, maybe it should be more about civil rights. Boy, Dr. King and I have the exact same dream. We've been there, Dr. King. Yeah. No, he definitely came up with a much better, much better theme, but I just had this thought. I remember that like my, one of my favorite far side cartoons, which was just looking over the shoulder of Abraham Lincoln and everyone's sitting out in the audience and you see his.

Yes. Yes. And you see his speech and it says something like the, I forget what it's about. The bartender said, that's not a duck. Wait for laugh. Four scores. Wait for laugh. I burn.

The most arrogant thing you can put in a script or in a note is hold for laugh. Because it's, it's promising something. The minute you put that down, you've been a fool. Yeah. So, you know, I, I can't tell you. I can't tell you how many times in my, you know, I learned very early on as a writer, as a comedy writer, you're going to have to hold here because there's going to be a big laugh is a terrible thing to put in there.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. You and I have been through some shit, man. Oh boy. Have we ever. I mean, talk about, there are people listening right now. Like these two guys.

They've been in the shit. They have been knee deep in the shit. You really? Yeah. That deep? Knee deep. Knee deep in the shit. Oh, I got knee deep in the shit.

I've seen you get, I've seen you get shin high. When I walk into the shit, I don't like, I don't want it to go too high up the knee, you know? Yeah. Now, why is that? Is it just because you don't want it to get into the rubber boots because they don't quite reach the knee. They're going to slip it.

Exactly. I never wear the really tall boots when I go into the shit. I always go for something that comes like mid calf. Yeah. So then you get the shit inside the boot. It fills up and it gets the cap. That's why you got to get some, you got to get some kind of like fly fishermen's, you know, cranberry bog type.

Real waiters. Real waiters. Real waiters for when I go into the shit. When you go into the shit, that's what you want to be in. Otherwise, I've made, you know, many times I've made the mistake of going into the shit with like just a new pair of 501s. Denim. You don't want to go into the shit with denim.

You know what? Biggest mistake I ever made. Yeah. You know, I had to go into the shit and I was going to be in the shit and I put these crocs on, these new crocs and I had wool socks underneath and that's a double whammy. Man, the shit goes right through those holes. Yeah. By the way, even if you're not wearing wool socks, it's going through the holes.

Yeah. But then it's going to be retained in wool socks. You know, you're in the shit with wool socks and it's itchy and it's that good Irish wool that's also itchy. Listen, if anyone learns anything from this podcast, if you're going into the shit and you're really going to get into the shit and every now and then, I know you guys listen to us thinking, well, these are Paul Rudd and Conan O'Brien. Does it get any bigger than that?

We've been in the shit. Yeah. We've been in the shit. We've been deep in the shit. When you go into the shit, it's got to be a very high boot. Yeah. Anybody learns anything from this and I don't think they're going to learn much. So far they've learned nothing.

Yeah. I actually, I have a counter here and it's at 0-0-0-0.0. It's like a brand new car. Our car. Odometer is, it's literally, it came off of a trailer truck, it didn't even drive onto the lot. This car has, no, I have a ways in which this podcast has added anything to the human conversation. Odometer, we are at a complete zero all the way across.

We have a flat mind. Yeah, nothing. We're in the shit. But here's the thing. When you get into the shit, here's, I see that counter clicking over to at least one or two. No, it went back two. We're at negative two now.

We're at negative two. I was like, oh, yeah. They're probably listening. Like these guys are still clearly in the shit and they've to, you know. Right now I'm picturing, there's that little fast forward button on a podcast that you can hit that gets you 15 seconds ahead or 30 seconds ahead. Can they do that? Yeah.

They keep hitting that. And when it's done, they're still talking about the shit and they're hitting it right now and it's like, so when you get any of this shit, and then they hit it again, because when I was in the shit, then they look and it's his special six hour polaroid interview. I made such a mistake. I went into the shit one time. Oh man. Just standard pants wearing wide whale cords, a shirt made of gauze.

It was actual medical grade gauze. And my shoes were a sponge. And I must have weighed 30 pounds coming out of the shit because the shit that was just still clinging. Yes. Like I was weighed down by the shit. I'm lucky. First of all, you're lucky you got out of the shit.

Oh, tell me about it. That would have absorbed so much shit. Honestly, it was like quicksand, but it was quick shit. I was in quick shit. You were in quick shit. And that is the term for it, by the way. You don't have to act like you invented that. Yeah.

Everyone knows. Yes. You were in the quick shit and you were wearing corduroy. Wide whale. Gauze that absorbs. Yeah. I know. I was like, I don't know why.

I'd never even seen a shirt made out of gauze. Real gauze. Like what you make out of a bandaid. Not a gauze. Like what you see. Yeah. Exactly. And I don't want people.

Real gauze. Yeah. Real gauze. I can't stand it when people say gauze and it isn't real gauze. I once really got into the shit. Tell me about it. And I mean really, really got into the shit. Yeah.

When I was in the shit and what I was wearing was a suit that was made of older shit. Oh boy. Shit from like, I want to say six months previous that had dried. Oh God. But the minute it came in contact with the fresh shit. Bringing it back in. Was reconstituted. Yeah.

So now I'm wearing shit in the shit. Oh my God. That's shit on shit. That is shit on shit. It's a shit witch. It's too slice as a shit with shit in the metal. Yeah. That's, I think, more difficult than your quick shit that you got into.

It is. And hats off to you, by the way. You've been in the shit. I can tell you something. It sounds as if they could have taken you out, cut you in half and seen the rings. The lines of shit just to determine how long ago, how many years you'd been in the shit. Like rings on a tree. Yes.

I'm seeing the shit line. Yep. You've been in some shit, man. I really have. I still think that someone who's really tired of this is going to hit the 15 second again. And I just want to make sure that occasionally we come back to it to frustrate that person. I think that this is, you know what I'm kind of discovering? You and I tend to, we like comedy that's punishing.

Yes. It just doesn't end. Yes. It's really, that's Mack and me distilled. Yes. If I remember correctly, I think our chicken thing had something to do with it. Isn't it right? It was us being erotic about grilling chicken and rubbing the chicken and it went on a little

too long. Oh, first of all, when people think Rudd, no Brian, and I'm pleased, you're the marquee guy here, I'm happy to go second. I know that that was also one of the terms that you laid out before you came by. It's just, you know what? It's just paperwork. It doesn't mean anything. It's just something that I have to do.

It's not me anyway. It's my representation. It's very specific, it says Paul Rudd is the much bigger star. He is a movie star. He's the head of a big franchise. No, I think that's just standard paperwork. Why do they go so specific? Conan O'Brien has ended his career on television and that says parentheses or forced out.

No, I think that's just like legalese mumbo jumbo. I haven't even looked at it. It's very specific and hurtful and Conan's name should go second, as he is the much lesser star. What the fuck is that? Why is that in this piece of paper? I haven't even looked at that, but I think it's, no, I just think that I think everyone has lawyers that they have a standard rider or contract that they have to send out just

to protect themselves. At the bottom, it says buy Paul Rudd and then it's signed and then your thumbprint is next to it to prove that it's your signature. I think that has to do with COVID. Talk about when you bring up COVID, it is clear that as a nation, we've been in the shit. Oh my God. I think you're absolutely right.

I think that if you have to say, we've been in the shit, COVID is really the thing. COVID is the shit. It's the shit. Is COVID the shit or is it the organism that's shitting that's making the shit? Well, here's where it gets a little dicey because I have often said, COVID is the shit, but people think it's because I'm psyched about COVID. You know what? Can I say something?

I read, you've been doing that a lot lately in interviews and saying COVID is the shit. It's the shit. Now, I know what you're talking about now finally, but people misunderstand and you're a very well-liked celebrity, but when you go around saying COVID is the shit and then high-fiving everyone around you, people misunderstand. They think that you're enthusiastic about COVID. It's the opposite. I know.

Now that you explain it and describe it, I'm like, oh yeah, no, I could see where people might be confused. I'm like, COVID is the shit. I'm going to stop doing that. I saw you high-five, but honestly, it's not really high-fiving. I think it's like a fist bump, but it's because I can't shake anymore. It's because of COVID. No, now that you explain it, I understand.

It's like, oh, I'm with you on this one. Look, we're in this together. This is a bummer, but oh. You see how it comes across. I do now. You look like someone and- You're a jerk. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. There was a story in the trades that maybe the Ant-Man thing was going to go away because you've been going around apparently high-fiving people saying, COVID is the shit. And then going on, it says at length about how you were in the shit and the shit. And so that's certainly in your career. I can't wait to play this podcast for my four-year-old daughter.

I can't wait to be- I don't have a four-year-old daughter. I don't have a four-year-old daughter. But you do want to play it for someone's four-year-old daughter. I just want kids to listen. I think kids can learn a lot from this. Here's what you and I do. We, with great enthusiasm and relish, waste people's time, add nothing to the conversation.

Nothing. Lower the bar. Lower the societal bar. And I think also we're trying to irritate people. We're trying to irritate people and we'll be disappointed if we haven't. What is that? What do we think that it is? Now you ask?

Now that we're really getting, you know, we've talked about our dreams, like recurring dreams. We've really tried to get, I think, deep, a little bit within our psyche, a little bit of what it is. Have we been in the shit? There was some substance for a second. For a second. It's clear that you and I need to do this. We need to do this.

You needed to play the mech and me clip again on a podcast where it's completely useless. That's just dead time. And then we talk about this and we have enraged, enraged an entire podcast. Do you think it's just our own sense of rebellion against the form? I think it's us saying, like telling the man to get the fuck off our throat. Get your boot off my throat, you know? I look through that glass window right there and I see my podcast guy, Adam Sacks, and he's got his fucking boot on my throat, you know?

I'll grind you out. You'll talk about stuff that's funny and you'll keep it light and you'll sell some mattresses. And you know what? No. Right. This is you and I taking it to the man, Adam Sacks, is the man. That's the man. That's what the man looks like.

No thanks. Oh, you pass. You pass on him. No, he's a nice looking guy, seems like a pleasant person, but he's the man. He's the man. I'm just not down with the man. Yeah. The man is a very good looking and competent 39 year old podcast executive who's very

well-mannered and has done a terrific job. That's the man in my life. Fuck that shit. Yeah. It's the man in all of our lives. Don't you think? When you get down to it. And this is always a 39 year old, very efficient, bright and talented podcast producer who's

got his boot on your throat, monetizing your joy and putting money in your pocket. That's right. Fuck you, Sacks. That's exactly right. And just really at the end of the day cares about who's sleeping on what mattress and what size are they getting and what is this sponsor going to sell to these poor plebes. This is the man. This is the man behavior 101.

You've been drinking, haven't you? Oh, God, since I woke up. You stank when you came in of Scotch and Aftershave and Bayley's. And by the way, I really messed up because I rubbed the Scotch and Bayley's on my skin and then took a swig of Aftershave and I've been vomiting. I was in a rush. You have vomited so much. I was in a rush to get here during this interview.

I can't believe how you just called this an interview. By the way, it wasn't. No, no, God, please, if you're studying to interview or if you're studying journalism or anything, please destroy this. This is what not to do. Everything we did should never be replicated. This is a terrible blight and like smallpox, this should be put in a small vial and destroyed so that it never revisits humanity again.

Do we continue? I'm very good continuing in this vein. If you want to say, if we do need to speak about anything that is anything, okay, no, I think that's just going to bum people out. Yeah, I think so too. I don't think people want like no one's looking to us for anything, but also isn't there just too much stuff? Yeah.

There's just too many people talking. Yeah. There's too many shows to watch. Yeah. There's too many things out there. Yeah. This is a break. This is a break from all that.

I think that content that people have thought about and crafted. I think this is, in a way, this is our version of kind of one of those crumb brothers that just started drawing lines for dialogue in their comics that it's just kind of entropy is set in and now it's like we're slowly losing our minds into this entire machine. Or it's cubism. It's the next step, kapow. We just broke through to something and people listening right now are watching the birth of an entire creative universe because we're not trying to entertain you.

Wow. They're not even saying anything and yet it's something. It's something. I don't like it. It's not good. It's my least favorite of these. I keep pressing the fast forward and I keep hearing, you're in the shit. And is it performance art?

I don't know what it is, but you know what it is? It's revolutionary. It's a revolution. Look, art at its core is there to create some sort of reaction, some kind of feeling. The feeling here might be pure hatred and annoyance at time was wasted, but it's something. It's something. And if that irritation is what we made today, then that is our art. And remember, there's no I in art.

No. That doesn't mean anything. You know what I would do? There's an R in art. Yes. And this is our, this is our time. This is our conversation. Oh, God.

This is our art. This is our art. If I could stab you, I would at this moment. If I could turn back time. If I could find my way. Paul, I'm going to pay you a compliment. You are. Oh, do share.

Oh, now you want to hear more of me. No, no, no. I would rather, I would rather talk about nothing with you than anything else in the world. You are seriously. That is, by the way, the worst selling hallmark in the history of the world. No, seriously, I would, if there was a show where I went into your basement every day and we did this for an hour, I would never do anything else again because you are, you've

been a really good friend to me and you bring out this foolishness and stupidity in me that it's your fault is what I'm saying. And I just love it. I was just giddy as a kid in a candy store when you walked in. And so I thank you. I'm putting an end to this because I think you're going to, yeah, it's the horse needs to be put down. This horse needs a bolt in the brain.

His dog, his heart is so full of worms, there's no medicine. You brought it back. That's right. And you know what? I have said that before we talk foolishness and I forget it, I will not forget. Someone on the street is going to be like, you and Paul Rudd, you in the shit. You guys are in the shit. You in the shit.

And I'll be with my kids and they'll, everyone will feel very uncomfortable. Paul, thank you. God bless. Thank you for your tone in. I'd like to discuss something that happened very recently. We were doing a segment of the podcast where I talked to fans, people all around the world. They drop one or they drop Thursdays, but we had this very strange moment. We were talking to a woman from Westerly, Rhode Island named Sarah, who's an optometrist.

We were laughing about a bunch of different things. And then I just said, what's the worst thing you've seen, you know, ailment you've seen come into your office. Obviously, mostly it's fitting prescriptions, but what's the worst has anyone ever come in with an injury? And she said, oh yeah, a guy came in and his chicken had attacked him and poked into his eye. And out of nowhere, do you remember this, Sona, out of suddenly, it's the craziest thing.

Like on Q. On Q. Yeah. Matt Gorley says, oh yeah, I have a relative. And then you gave this crazy name that sounds made up and it's so crazy that I wrote it down on my desk and it's still here written on my desk, Elmer Elmsworth Gorley, Elmsworth Gorley. Elmsworth.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Don't want to mess up Elmsworth. Yeah. So we're talking to this woman and she mentioned something insane because she's an optometrist and she says, yeah, one guy came in and his chicken had attacked him and pecked his eye. And immediately, as if it were nothing, Gorley just says, oh yeah, I had a relative, a great great grandfather named Elmer Elmsworth Gorley, whose eye was pecked out by a chicken.

And then he immediately holds up a photo of this guy from 1880, who's missing an eye and he's got a big mustache. Beautiful mustache. And you had the picture ready to go. This was not set up. This was not in any way, we didn't do any research, we didn't know anything about this. It was totally random that this woman, Sarah, mentioned this and you have an effin picture of Elmer Elmsworth Gorley missing an eye ready to go.

How is that possible? I've just been carrying it around waiting for the chance to bring it up finally today. It did. That's exactly what it looked like. I pictured you, you go to lectures, you go to restaurants, you always have the picture ready to go, you're always ready for someone to say, well that puts me in mind at the time someone got their eye pecked up by a chicken and you leap up and you say, I too, sir, know of such a man, his name be Elmer Elmsworth Gorley and here is his visage and you hold

up a picture. There have been so many times when someone said chicken and he's perked up, ready to go. Or else, or else he's somewhere random and he's got his picture ready to go and someone says, I'll never forget the time. My great-great-grandfather had his eye pecked out and you're like, here we go, buy an owl. You slowly sink back into your seat and jam the wrinkled photo of Elmer Elmsworth Gorley back into your jacket.

There's a usual suspects aspect to this where if you listen back to the podcast, you wouldn't know it because it never got there, but I'm always bringing up chickens in the eye. Yeah, sure. I'm hoping that you can get Jessica Alba and she's like, wait, what? Who's this guy talking now? I thought I was talking to Conan. Just I'm curious if you have an eye for the chicken, if you know what I mean. Don't you think chickens are so dangerous?

Hey, wait a minute. I'm determined like any good reporter. I must find out why, Gorley, did you have that picture ready to go? So hesitant to tell you of all people because I just feel like you're never going to let me live this down. I can't wait. Okay. I have a band and I have a song about this man called Isoar and I'm working on a video

where I'm doing this little old 70s computer that does a printout of the visuals and it scrolls along and I just know I'm in for it once I've told you that and it's out now. Oh my God. I am a very, a man who's starving to death and I'm crawling through the desert and I just, I just came upon a large Thanksgiving, a large fresh Thanksgiving meal on a table with white linen and one chair and there's a little card there that says Mr. O'Brien and I am going to chow down. You have a band.

What's the band? It's called Townland. And what do you play in the band? I'm guessing guitar. I play guitar. Yeah. Okay. And you wrote a song about your ancestor.

Is he your great, great grandfather? That's right. Yeah. It's called Elmer Ellsworth Goorley. And you wrote a song about this man called I Soar because I guess it's funny to you that he lost an eye. Well, tragedy plus time. It is true.

It is true. It's been a while. How does the song go? Can you tell us any of the lyrics? Oh God. I mean, let me think of it. This is delicious. Oh.

This is succulent. Matt. So I'm going to taste some of this Goorley at discomfort. Isn't it delicious? It's quite tasty. I'm not going to lie. I usually don't like siding with you, but this is very delicious. Oh my God.

I couldn't have another bite. Or could I? If I know you, you'll be eating on this for years. Do you, does the song recreate the accident? Is it like, you know, the song is talking about Elmer Ellsworth Goorley and then you hear. And then you hear my eye, my eye. That's all chicken sounds.

You remember that Jingle Bell song done by dogs? Yep. Okay. You seem hesitant to tell us too much more about the song. I'm hesitant about everything right now. Will this be available? When will people get to maybe go online and listen to your band? What's the name again of your band, please?

Townland. Townland. Metallica was taken. Yes. It's out February 22nd and the album is called Honey on the Hi-Fi. Can we see the photo again, Matt? Can you show it to us? Yeah.

Okay. Oh, wow. It kind of looks like Toby McGuire with a Kurt Russell mustache from Tombstone. I mean, I'm not going to lie. He's a looker. Except both those, both those actors you referenced though had both their eyes. I think he was a teacher, a one-eyed teacher. I mean, I'm not, if he was my teacher, I'd be like, hello, Mr. Goorley.

Yeah. He was a good looking guy. Yeah, he's dapper, huh? Yeah, he's handsome. Although, of course, absolutely, absolutely no depth perception. So, yeah, that's the problem. When you've got one eye, there's just, he'd go to put the wedding ring on you. You'd be like, no, you've got six more feet to go before you hit my finger.

This is, did he ever opt for a glass eye or a prosthetic? I don't know. He's certainly not wearing one in this photo. I think back then they just used what was, they put whatever was available in there. A marble. You know? Or like an inkwell. Or sometimes, sometimes the hub of a wagon wheel.

They just jammed whatever was in there and people, they'd go into a bar and people would be like, are you looking at me? No, no, that's a wagon wheel in my left socket. It's still a hundred years before they come up with the old glass eye prosthetic. Did he wear an eye patch? You know, I've never seen a picture of him with an eye patch, but I don't. I would wear an eye patch. Yeah, I would, too.

Do you know why the chicken attacked him? I think it happened when he was a boy, so maybe he was just playing with the chicken. The only thing I've been told by my grandpa was a quote, overzealous rooster pecked his eye out when he was a boy. Is that one of the lines in the song? No. Do you want any help with any of the lyrics? Yeah, but you mind, it's not too late.

The album's done and up and out by now, but we can always resubmit. My mind is just bubbling with possibilities. Yeah. I'm trying to think of what rhymes with rooster. How about 200 years before he'd need his vax booster? He was attacked by an overzealous rooster. You can join the band because that's solid. Wow.

Also, I don't know if you remember this, but back in the early stages of this podcast, I wrote and recorded a very rough demo for a theme song for this podcast that wasn't used because, I mean, the white stripes, all that, you can't beat that. But that, we then took that music and turned it into a new song on this album. Oh, good. So people can hear what was originally, yeah, you wrote a very good song for the theme. And then, you know, what are you going to do? You know, Jack White says, hey, you can always use, you know, we are going to be friends.

And I'm like, what? The theme song was all about a guy losing his eye from a rooster, though. It was really good. I know. That was one of the problems is we wanted something that was sort of about Conan O'Brien needs a friend. And your song just kept going on and on and on about Elmer Elmsworth-Gorley. Ellsworth, goddammit.

Ellsworth. Well, whatever. I guess we don't see eye to eye on his name. Oh. Hooray. We did it. Well, there you go. Not beyond a cheap out as long as we get out.

Incredible. An incredible story. And I can't wait for all of you to enjoy this song. Take us into it like a radio DJ. All right, well, guess what? That rock and new band out of Pasadena, Townland, is back and they have got a new wax platter that we're going to be spinning today. This is quite a song.

This one's dedicated to Elmer Ellsworth-Gorley. And we call this one Ice or Give a Listen. Well, what the hell might as well go bend an elbow for the boy, don't you cry, Elmer Gorley, pre-matrually lost tonight. Time's up for chloride, so share some force for seven tears. Yes, I'd agree, Mary Kilty simply felt he was the one working out, gave a glance and said,utan, that's home for chloride, so share some force for seven tears. I'm a man now and I'll clean your plow for that

Dance on the low ride, so share some thoughts from the seventies Bruiser, schrooster, loser or a bruiser, most of it Dispatch, chicken scraps, railroad run by the eye-pound changer Bruiser, schrooster, loser or a bruiser, most of it Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely produced by me, Matt Gorely Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco

and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf Theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering by Will Bekton Additional production support by Mars Melnick

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Year Wolf