Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Pete Holmes

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

Comedian Pete Holmes feels frustrated but honored to be Conan O’Brien’s friend.Pete and Conan sit down this week to chat about their shared Boston lineage, pulling out the dad energy, finding silliness in the world around them, and Pete’s new special ‘Dirty Clean’. Plus, Conan checks in with his producer Matt Gourley to get an update on the State of the Podcast. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by HotelTonight (www.hoteltonight.com), Stitch Fix (www.stitchfix.com/CONAN), Fracture (www.fractureme.com/CONAN), Robinhood (www.CONAN.Robinhood.com), and Campaign Monitor (www.campaignmonitor.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Pete Holmes, and I feel frustrated, but honored to be Conan O'Brien's friend. Yeah! Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It's pretty simple. This is the show where I, Conan O'Brien, talk to people, in the business, celebrities I've interviewed over the years, and try to find out is it possible we could be real friends, not just fake showbiz pals. Now I'm aided in my quest by my assistant for now, Sona Movesesian. Hello? Come on, Sona, you know you're with me for the long haul. Yeah, but it's hard to really believe that when you constantly keep talking about how my time's limited. You say that often.

I like to dangle that because I think that will inspire you to greater heights. Do you think it's working? No, it is not. No, I don't think so either. I also want to give a shout out to my producer, Matt Gorley. Matt, how are you? I'm good, and I think because you don't threaten my job, it makes me actually worried that maybe it is a short tenure here. Yeah, your replacement is standing behind you. Oh!

His name is Philip. Hi, Philip. I call you Gorley a lot. I don't know why you might not like that. Oh, I like it just fine. Is it okay? I mean, I call you Matt. I have so many mattes in my life, but I only have one Gorley. Yeah, I'm your one Gorley. I don't like Matt anyway. All right, Gorley. Thanks for being here. You do a great job. Well, that's nice.

I'm not sure that's true, but... No, it's true. Okay, I do think this podcast is doing very well. You're probably a big part of that. No, this is all you guys. Yeah, I'm just putting it through filters and shit. Okay. I think that's true. No, Gorley is the magic spice. He's the secret. He's the Colonel's secret recipe.

We're all holding hands right now. No, we're not. That would violate company policy. I'm holding somebody's hand right now. You're just holding a severed hand. Oh, my God. Today, I'm talking to someone I have a lot of admiration for. Pete Holmes. What I'm liking about this so far, and you've been doing this a long time,

is that it's completely the way you and I would talk. Yes. Without any interference. Right. And the show, do you feel like when you do the show, that there's levels of interference, or do you think that's getting close? The Conan show?

Yeah, because you're quite relaxed on the show. Well, I really appreciate it. It's one of the great thrills of my life that I've done in your show, enough times to be relaxed. Certainly the first time I was, you know... Jimmy in my bridgeies. Yeah. Trying to get some new phrase.

The new phrase is gone. Jimmy in my bridgeies. Well, there was a kid in my neighborhood, Jimmy. Well, how do we know that? This is the type of narcissism I exhibit. I make jokes that I know you don't know. How could you do that? You just said, I'm Jimmy in my bridgeies,

and I was like, well, I feel stupid, because that's clearly a classical reference to a Shakespearean drama. And then it turns out, no, Jimmy from my neighborhood. How could you not know that? It's all baloney. It was just fun words. My mom will do that, though. A waiter will come.

Like, you and I will be talking about the bread. And we'll be like, this bread's pretty old. And then the waiter will come, who wasn't privy to that. And she'll be like, let's say we said the bread was dry. And then she's like, the waiter will say to my mom, you want some water? And she'll be like, what am I, the bread? To him.

You know what I mean? I'm always like, Mom, he doesn't have the info. You're just a crazy person. It's like, what am I, bread? What am I, oatmeal raisin bread? Yeah. And then... He calls an EMT and says there's some woman having a stroke.

A stroke does... No, let's not do stroke bits. Too many people having strokes. Really? Right? I don't know. I'm going to keep doing them until I have one. No, it is a funny go-to, but I was going to say that a stroke kind of sound...

Like, it's a stroke. You stroke a cat. It's kind of nice. Yeah. Nobody's like, hey, quit stroking my cat. You stroke a cat or you stroke your gentleman lover. Okay, let me tell you something. Give him a stroke.

If you're working on a new hunk, and I sense that's what you're doing... I am not! If you're going to do this stroke bit... No! What are you, a stroker? A stroke! A stroke. It sounds like such a nice thing.

A stroke. Oh, my God. It is a Seinfeld bit. You stroke a cat? Hey, I had a question. You stroke your boyfriend? This is a bit I've wanted to do for a while. You have a great idea.

It's a stroke of genius. Yeah. I forced it. Yeah, no, but here's the thing. Here's what... Here's a bit that I want to work on, which is how are we going to know when Jerry Seinfeld has Alzheimer's? Holy...

Because he's going to come out on stage and go, I just want to know who are these people? Bad. What is the deal with pizza? And people are going to first think that Jerry's working on... They're going to think he's working on new material. For at least ten years. But then he's going to go, no, seriously. Who are these people?

Jerry, these are your loved ones. No, I'm scared. I'm lost in the corridors of my own mind. Who are these people? Jerry, Jerry, calm down. I'm terrified of everything around me. Who are... What is this thing that... That's a window, Jerry. What is a window?

And then it ends with... It ends with you. You look out, you see? It's a window. And then he goes, that was a bit. That one was a bit. You know what I mean? That's work.

Let's say you close it. I call those playground bits where they're like, you have the premise, you can do it forever. Yeah. But then, no, you have to have that cord that you pull. And then, yeah, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just saying it's nice to have that period. What am I telling you what to do? No, no, I just did this 18-city tour and I have this hunk that I do up front.

And then I thought of that on the road and I was working it out in front of the comedians. They're like, that's really funny, but I never did it on stage because I thought, I don't know yet. It might be because you didn't know where the cord is. Yeah. The end. I wonder if real like Vaudevillian showbiz is going to come back because we're all loose. We're the podcast generation of comedy where it's like even your talk show, you can be transparent. People are like, yeah, we're seeing behind the curtain.

I wonder if the curtain is going to make a comeback. If our kids' kids are going to be like, he came out, he was probably, it's like John Mulaney. John Mulaney just does stand up. John's not like, and that's how that one ends. He doesn't do that. He is a throwback. He's a throwback. And that's a high compliment.

Yeah. He's a very disciplined storyteller and joke teller and he crafts his act in this way that's a little out of time for today because, and again, it's, there are people that abuse the privilege. There are comics that have their shit together and then there are ones that are very brilliant, but they kind of wallow in, I don't really know where this is going. And I, what am I really doing up here? And they comment on everything and sometimes it goes too far. Of course.

I think what we're talking about is podcast stand up. It's like now that they know that we talk about bits in these ways, I can't speak for everybody, but some audiences like it. You go see Mark Maron, who's the penultimate. What does that mean? The penultimate is second to last. Well, I think he is. Well, now he is.

The next one, it's over. Yeah. I meant the consummate podcast stand up. No, he's the penumbra. I know what you're saying. He's the penumbra. He's Jimmy and his trousers. Yeah.

He goes up. No, he's the pneumatic. I know what you're saying. He's the perisopopolis. I'm just going to say. You're not Jimmy perisopolis. Oh God. Help us.

We're going to, you know, this is, it's a disaster. What I'm saying is when you watch him, 80% of it is just like, I don't, I don't know. You know, like, and we love it. Like that's what makes it fun is that he's not doing, because he's not supposed to be doing what Malani is doing. Malani is doing what he's supposed to be doing. Maron is doing what he's supposed to be doing. I do wonder if your kids, kids will be like, he came out from the curtain and he said,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen. You know what I mean? Like, and we're sitting at like lit up cocktail tables and we just want to show. Maybe that'll be nice. Sometimes it is nice. I'm going to add some professionalism to this. We do have something in common. We're both from the Boston area.

Yes. We're both tall. Yes. We are both bedeviled by our fathers. Come on. I'd met your dad. Your dad's quite the character. But I was calling him right.

You're his mother. That's my dad. I know. Tell him to go to Windows bakery and give me some Windsor cookies. What? 10 minutes later. I've never had a Windsor cookie. Holy duck.

What is it? Cool? Kale? Cool Ranchterios. What am I saying? Well, this is the thing about your dad. Used to do an impression of him. And I thought it was a cruel, exaggerated impression.

And then I met him and it's really not. That is an accurate. Were you a bystander and you were describing him to police? Yeah. And you weren't related to him. That would be an accurate description. He has a sloppy Peter Griffin type. When you, when I had the talk show that you did, my dad was, that you gave me, my dad

was in the audience and I was interviewing Rob Cordray. My dad, by the way, wore a Red Sox jersey. Yep. Tivas. And he has like, I love my dad, but he's got some fucked up feet. His feet look like who? Like when Luke Skywalker was in that pit, the job of the hut put him in and the monster came out.

They look like a Rangor. Rancor? Why would you even know? Rancor. Oh good. I had nerd in the corner. He's got Rancor feet. And he's like, I'm going to put it in Tivas.

So whatever's growing on him can get some air. And you know, grow better. So he's got these nasty mangled kind of white old man, Bostonian Tiva. At least tell me that he was in a war. He was never in a war. Oh. Never in a war. Being in a war is the good out for everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the war. Yeah, yeah. And then you're out. Yep. But no, his feet never saw action. Nope. So why are they, did they get dropped into machinery at some point?

No, they're just, they grew weird. He has what's called a hammer or toe. Oh. Not MC. Not MC. No one thought of MC. Everyone thought of MC. Not a person in this room.

So your dad is just. He's in the audience. I'm sorry. Yeah. He's in the audience. And I'm interviewing Rob Courgy. He's also wearing cargo shorts. So he's kind of thin chicken legs.

He's got like Shrek body, big dad body, chicken legs. Yep. And then Rancor feet. You basically, you know that game where, where you fold a piece of paper three times. Yes. And you draw the feet and then you hold it and then someone else not seeing the feet draws legs. And then you pass it and then someone else draws the, the, the mid body and then the

final person draws the head and then you unfold it and you all made a body together. Yeah. You're saying that your dad is the product of that game. Exactly. Somebody got stoned and drew my dad with five friends. Right. And so I'm interviewing Rob Courgy. My dad, my mom and my brother both dressed up.

My dad's dressed like he's just leaving, not even a baseball game, like a batting cage. Like he was hitting some balls. And now I'm interviewing Rob Courgy and I hear him. It made the show. He goes, who is this guy? What? Well, I'm interviewing. Not that Rob's not T-Cruz, but I'm interviewing Rob Courgy.

I'm telling the people who he is. Terry Cruz? Terry Cruz. Or Tom Cruz. Tommy Cruz. Okay. God, you, you abbreviate everything. So, so he, he was humiliating Rob Courgy.

Yeah. And Rob Courgy ran with it to hilarious effect. These clips are available on YouTube. I'm here to plug clips of our old talk show. You know what? They'll live on forever. That's the beautiful thing. Isn't that fun?

So what happens too is you've gone on, you've had this other success. People know you. Yeah. Well established guys. So then they, they say, I like this Pete Holmes. And then they start looking and then people start posting. Yes. Your talk show, which was very funny.

And so. Well, TBS was very, was very cool about it. They gave us a hard drive with all of it. They were very cool about it. And then Jeff Ross, you're Jeff Ross. Yeah, pretty. Not much that fucking hat. You look like you're going to go mop up a bowling alley in the 1930s.

With Oprah Winfrey lick in the rim of your butthole. Why you got that belt? You look like Santa Claus at the shopping mall. You're going to hang a six shooter from there. Wyatt. More like Wyatt Burp. Look at this guy. Jesus.

Comedian Jeffrey Ross never has to do a set again. Cause he can just play that with a tape recorder and hold it near his mouth. That was amazing. Do you think about Comedian Jeffrey Ross a lot? No, not often. Okay. Wow. That was amazing.

I have texted, tried to text your producer Jeff Ross and texted Jeff Ross. And I've tried to vice versa. Jeff Ross, my producer shares a name with Comedian Jeff Ross. And for years, Jeff Ross would get Comedian Jeff Ross as male. All the time. And vice versa. Yeah. And I knew it wasn't him because he wasn't like, you fat lesbian, Val Kilmer looking.

It was just like, hello Pete. This is Jeff Ross. Yeah. Yeah. I maintained my Jeff Ross, the producer of our show, not a fan of comedy. So now, do you think that's possible? I think it is. Yeah.

I think he's a great producer. I think one of the things he is professional. He's an amazing producer. He's the only producer I ever want to work with. I suspect sometimes he is not a fan of comedy. Yeah. Because I'll be making sense. I think some pretty funny stuff.

He's like, just wrap it up. Let's go. Come on. Okay. Enough kidding around. Enough with your jokes. He's an essential enzyme. Yes, he is.

If you're this, he's the thing that helps us digest that. Yes. Does that make sense? Yes. So he's like a porn producer that isn't into sex. He's just like, and then the breasts come out and then the ass is shimmering. Right. And it wiggles a little bit because people seem to like that.

And then they... He is a porn producer who's not that into sex. That's what I mean. But I understand that they like the jiggling breasts. Right. He's just studying it. And in that analogy, I am a male porn star. Yes.

With a massive penis. Who is very good at sex. Maybe some say the best at sex ever. And sometimes in a rough spot would call an Andy Richter to help him finish. Yeah. Andy's got a feather. Andy's got a feather. Andy.

Andy. I need fluffing. Andy, shove that feather in my ass. All right. You've... Completely derailed my podcast and I regret having it. No, you have not derailed anything. You know.

Here's what I'm going to say. It's something I admire about you, Pete. Can I call you Pete? Is that okay? Is that all right? You're always insisting on Dr. Holmes. That's my brother's rap producer name. Is that true?

No fooling. Dr. Holmes 33. Wait. Your brother's what? My brother John Holmes. Make a joke. Go ahead. Make a joke.

Nope. My father also John Holmes. Yep. One of the things that he does is he produces beats for underground rappers. Or he used to do it more. He might still do it. But you can look him up. Dr. Holmes 33.

He's a white guy from Boston. He's a white man from Boston. Yes, sir. And he produces beats for rappers. Yeah. And he's good at it. You know what he does? I think so.

From what I can tell, it's certainly a hard game to get into. Now, is there anyone in your lineage that's got the comedy thing? My uncle Larry was hilarious. It was super, super funny. And my mom and my dad are funny, but nobody... They're like, my dad comes home filthy. And I think he likes that. He's got like an old school, like you can shout like my back hurts.

Like he thinks that's great. And my hands are so soft. I could massage a seal and it'd be like, mommy. Right. I think it was his mother. He knows you're a hard worker. He told me that. That's very sweet.

He said, he said, I'm not going to do your dad's action. But he said, because it wouldn't sound right. But he said, I'll tell you one thing about Pete. No one can outwork him. Oh, that's very sweet. He said that about you. And he was telling you, and I was like, stop talking to me about Pete. I actually don't fully relate to that.

I wonder how you are. I think I would... Well, you describe me, Sona. I think I'm a hard worker. You're a very hard worker. Yeah, Sona and O'Brien can't stop. Yeah. And I'm very different from that.

And that's how we clash a lot sometimes. It's not that I don't work hard. It's that I don't care as much as you do. Right. I care so much about everything and can't. And then I get mad because I care so much about everything and I wish I didn't. And I try not to, but then I still care so much. And Sona has always been the voice of, eh, I didn't do it.

Well, why didn't you do it? Well, this is the... I don't know. I didn't care. And I'll be like, what? What do you mean you didn't care? Right. I think when I watch the documentary on O'Brien Can't Stop,

it makes me a little bit sad because I see myself in it. And that part of us that's always sort of chasing the next thing or whatever. Yeah. But you know, there's also part of me that's like, I think neither of us, because I relate more to that than to Sona, wouldn't trade it. You know what I mean? Like if you could turn it off, there's a pill you could take. No, that's the thing.

Well, that's the big question is if there was a way to turn it off, I would turn it off and then quickly turn it back on again. Yeah. So I'm always signing up for way too much work, then complaining that I have so much work. Yeah. I remember you saying that to me too. And that is...

You're like, when I'm making the show, I want to be on vacation. When I'm on vacation, I miss making the show. Oh, wow. That's haunting. It's a very haunting idea. It's a terrible way to live your life. But I don't know if it is because it's one of the cheaper fuels that runs the machine and make no mistake, that work that sometimes we both dread has incredible highs.

These incredible highs. It's the addiction to the highs and the lows. I think there's even a part of us I can speak from my experience that enjoys when I'm like, oh, you once said my job is putting my soul in the woodchipper of show business. And I think about that all the time. But there's a beautiful... It's almost like a French appreciation for like, can you see what they make us give?

We kind of like it. Oh, no. That's the other thing too, is that they're not making us give that. That's right. That's right. It's a narrative. What comes back to me is there's this moment of real clarity. I think it's in the documentary, which I haven't watched in years,

but there was this moment where I come backstage. Play it on the screen. Yeah. I come backstage and I'm complaining to my wife. And I'm saying, they are making me do this and they are making me do that. And she said, there is no they. There's just, there's you, you're doing it. And I realized that that's the filmmaker who made that documentary called it,

Conan O'Brien Can't Stop. And I, when he told me that was the title, I honestly didn't know what he was talking about. Hilarious. And then saw the documentary and it was like, oh, it's this, you know, it's really strange to see a mirror held up to you that's that accurate. And not bad. I'm not, I didn't think I was, but it was, it was, it's just interesting.

It's just interesting to see. I wonder if it's a New England thing, but we were both probably raised. I've thought about this. You and I grew up in New England and it's dark and cold in the morning. And when you go out to go to school, the crappy car doesn't turn over because it's so cold. And it's dark and my mom is making us say Hail Mary so that the car will turn over. And she actually knew the name of the saint you're supposed to pray to who's good with cars,

which is ridiculous because all the saints existed 2000 years ago. But there's one, there's like a saint Marcus or something who's good with transmissions. And my mom would make us pray to that saint. And then the car would slowly turn over and there's something about growing up in, and then it, like that, and I have thought to myself, what if you could take a Pete Holmes and a Conan O'Brien and recast them so that they're born in Santa Barbara? Yeah. And we surf.

We walk barefoot to school. We walk barefoot. We, we, we chill. There's a lot of chilling. Would, would we, we, we maybe start smoking some weed. Like, is it possible that we would be different people? Like, I always thought if I grew up in Southern California, would I have had like a V shaped torso and a girlfriend when I was 14?

And would I have not had acne and would I have just been this chill guy? And what would I be doing now? I'd, I'd. Well, I have pictures of me on the cape and I was like blonde haired and I had a tan. Like, I don't tan now. Like, I was a little, I was svelte. I've been soft ever since. Like a svelte little boy.

And I was like, maybe that's California Pete. But the question is, is California Pete funny? I don't know. I could see you on Venice Boulevard, like not working out, but maybe giving surf lessons or something. No, but I, that wouldn't have worked either. My center of gravity is way too high. Me too.

I've got a disproportionate body. All of us tall people. But, but I have wondered that is there's so much of, there's a New England thing. And look at all the New England comics, the real club comics. Yeah. You know, that it's so harsh. They're really funny. Yeah.

But it's everything's fucked up. It's a product of roads that were designed for horse and buggy. We had dinner one time around Christmas in downtown Boston. That's what I love. That's a new Boston. Like a new. Cause that's not the Boston you and I grew up with. That's what I mean.

We didn't go downtown and eat in a fancy restaurant when I was a kid. We went to, we went to a place called Tony's Italian villa on route nine. And now I know that is not an Italian restaurant. But that's where we went. And we each got to have one soda. And that was it. And my brother Neil always tricked me into drinking mine really quickly. He'd go, let's have a race.

And, and then I would drink mine really fast. And he wouldn't drink his at all. And then he'd laugh at me the rest of the meal. Oh my Jesus. If ever I love they. And now it's time for a segment called Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Yes. I believe in being honest with people.

Took out a big mortgage, then borrowed against that mortgage, then borrowed against it again. Mistake. But I'm an adult and I'm going to pay down that mortgage. And we're going to take care of that right now. There's some hidden little chip in us that makes us, we know, we don't consciously know it, but subconsciously we know we're not staying here. Yeah. That's how I felt about Massachusetts and a lot of my family stayed there.

All of them. And when I go home, I don't feel like, ah, Boston. That's right. My old home. It doesn't, I like Boston. I really love Boston. I love the people there. It doesn't feel like home.

And in fact, New York never felt like home. I don't know where my home is. I'm totally with you. I think there's a feeling of restlessness. I said to my family, we're kind of rough with each other. So they came to see the family. It's loving, but they came to see the baby and they're just, they're just sort of a nightmare. It's a nightmare situation.

I told the story on Kimmel, but my mom came in and was like, the first thing she said was, ah, we got you a book for Lila. We got her a book, but we left it in a diner in Pasadena. Will you go get it? And I was like, fucking no. Yeah. No. That's not a gift.

That's an errand. We have a baby. You're supposed to like help. So anyway, they're kind of nightmares. And I said to them, if there was show business in Hawaii, I'd be in Hawaii. You know what I mean? If I could go further, but there's something that sounds cruel. And I don't care.

I could explain to you how we love each other. No, no, I understand that you can. I want to get away. I understand that you can love your family and they can also drive you crazy. I think we can all, Sona, you can, you can relate to that. Yes. Gourly. I don't know what your situation is.

Of course. But I want you in this conversation. Thanks. You love your parents. Certainly. And your family. Dearly. Dearly.

They're routinely telling me how much you also despise all of them. Off mic. Yeah. Yeah. Off mic. On a flow chart. He's constantly writing notes and passing over to me during. I despise slash love my family.

And I'm like, you know what? I'm trying to work here. You know what? My therapist just hit me. He says, hate your parents well, which I think is like, do it intelligently and do it graciously and lovingly. And there is a way to sort of be like, yeah, I don't, I love you. That doesn't mean I like everything about you.

My, my wife is a terrific, terrific mom. She's great. And she's always, yeah, she puts so much effort and thought and love into, into being a mom. And I'll always remind her, remember, you're going to go to therapy and they're going to complain about us. Yeah. We can do all we, we can base this Turkey with love every five seconds. But the Turkey when it's finally done is going to go like, you know, as a naive new parent

and I'll concede that that might be what I am. Very early in the process. I'm very early. Well, people. How far along are you? How old? She's two and a half months. She's two and a half months.

Yeah. Because you brought her to the show. Yeah. Seconds after she was born. Yeah. Which actually blew my mind. She was delivered in Jimmy Vavino's dressing room. Yeah.

You brought, you, you came to the show and I was like, I can't believe you're doing this show because you just, your wife just gave birth and you said, and you said, what do you mean? She's backstage. And I walked into the dressing room and your wife threw the baby at me. Catch. Catch. And it was very scarring for everyone, but.

Well, we didn't know that when people say like, don't do that, they mean that you're going to get your baby sick. Yeah. Cause then we took our baby to Maui to see Ramdas because I wanted her to, Ramdas is my teacher, I guess we could say, who's also from Boston, right from Newton. And I have a lot in common with him because of that, I feel anyway, I wanted her to meet him and she got a cold and we were like, oh, when people are like, you make all your mistakes with the first one.

I was like, that's what they mean is we're on a plane. Everyone's coughing. We get to the retreat. Everyone has like, literally people had pneumonia and bronchitis and we're like, oh, we'll be in the room. Like we just, we fucked up. Then like one day she got too much sun on one side of her face, but something I noticed. I don't know.

You're terrible parents, I'm realizing. We're terrible parents. Awful. It was like taking away, but it wasn't a sunburn. It was just like enough that it was like, we thought she should go to a tubercular ward. We thought she should see where tuberculosis is cured. So she was about a day old and we took her to show her what tuberculosis was. Who knows?

You make those mistakes with the first one. You learn. Val felt horrible. I noticed a naturally occurring insurgence of what I call dad energy. Women can have dad energy too, obviously, and I can have mom energy, but I started having like that dad like, she'll be fine. And I meant it. Yeah.

Like she got more nervous than she normally did. And I got more self-assured that everything's going to be fine. And I was like, oh my God, we're yinning each other's yangs right now. And nobody asked for it. I didn't read any book about it. No, but that's exactly what you do. It's what happens, right? If your wife was super chill, you would freak out.

That's right. You know what? We're going to have to take a break. We've talked for you. We've got to wrap up. We've been, how long has it been? It's been close to an hour. Jesus Christ.

I'm just letting you guys roll. The fuck? I don't know much about this guy, but all I've seen him do is try to put this show in a box. You can't contain this. I'm lightning and he's the bottle. Yeah, we're yinning and yanging. Yeah.

I'm father energy. He's mother energy. I'm going to pay you a compliment. Oh, I love it. Not right now. Several years from now, you're going to get a letter and it's going to have a compliment that's just going to say, you dress well. It's going to be much less than what you thought you were going to get and you don't.

And it's going to be in quotes. You know, it's not true. No, you know what I like is that you, there is a very popular vein in comedy, which is the comedian that is very unhappy and miserable. And I've always liked that you don't mind that vein. Do you know what I mean? And there's some other, Ron Funches also talks about things that make him happy. He's a sentimental angel.

Yeah. But he talks about things that give him happiness. And I think you're the same school, which I actually credit. I think that is a harder path to take. It's a more original or fresher path to take because I weary over the years of the people that come out and they just tell you over and over and over again how I'm sick, something's wrong with me. I'm bad.

I'm, you know, and I'm a disease and I don't know, I worry of that. I appreciate that. When you're starting in the clubs, it's 90 percent, 95 maybe, just like, and I got up there, I punched him in the face. And then I realized it was a woman, it was my mother and people are like, oh, yeah. And then you have to go up and be like, Kleenex, they used to be facial tissue now, it's Kleenex. You know, like it's hard. But I'm so grateful that like the taste of comedy consumers shifted towards the positive.

And that started happening. You pioneered that in a huge way and made a space for people like me to that want to be silly. They don't want to be like, and I said, boom, why am I doing it like a voice doesn't have to be against anybody. Well, I think there's, and I appreciate that. Well, you know what's interesting to me is that it's that I think there's a lot of people that conflate negativity with quote, the truth.

So it's that whole school of if you're being negative and you're saying dark things, you're telling the truth, and if you're not, if your comedy isn't right now, railing against what's happening in our country and railing about, you know, who's president and what's, you know, happening, then you're escapist and you're not handling the truth. And I think, I don't think I agree with that. I don't think I agree with that. I think it's possible to be present in this world, understand that not all is right with the world, and then try to find.

We're back at the dinner table. Try to find the silliness. That's right. Yeah. There are people that confuse being sarcastic with having a personality or hating everything is having a personality. Yeah. There's a real epidemic you'll see in people's Twitter bios, it says like sarcasm is just

one of the many services I offer. Yeah. It's like, you're in the way, Beth. You don't have to do those things. Oh! Bless you. Oh, I hope we got that on. That was a good one.

We can sell that. We can get money for that. Yeah. Are you sneezing a lot lately? Use nasal treks. I just made up that product. Now, we have to go find a company and make them get that name. Isn't that fun?

It's a podcast. You can sing, leave it or not. You don't have to pay for this. Is that true? No. Charles and Charles of our days and our nights, okay. Yes. It's like when your final shows of the Tonight Show, you could do the most expensive show

ever. Nobody's ever going to care. You found out you couldn't pay for a song, so you sang the Charles in charge of the evening. You could have sang anything. You know what I did? It's also not true. You know what?

Yes, it is. Not here. I understand it is with yours, but it is not here. And I'm not condoning that. I say do it. Crawl. No. You had me for a second thinking I could sing all of Led Zeppelin, the most expensive

catalog next to the Beatles. You think if we sing Led Zeppelin, you're going to get a letter? No, but I think that the people in this corporation will have words. I say fan that fire. Go for it. I'll do it with you. You need cooling. Baby, I'm not fooling.

Want to send you back to schoolin. We're down inside. Give me your love. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now, fortunately, I sing it so strangely. Yeah, that melody is.

That, uh, Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights, I want. Charles in charge of me. What a weird song. Yeah. Why is he in charge of our wrongs and our rights as an A12? What a terrible song. Anyway, there's no better way to get out on a podcast

than me singing a song that Ear Wolf isn't gonna let come through. What's going on? No one's gonna come after us for the Charles and Charge thing. I say let him try. Yeah, whoa, Gorley's throwing down. Yeah, I couldn't do it.

Later in court, you just crying. I didn't know. Can I? This is a fun way to plug my standup special, Dirty Clean, which is out on HBO now. There's a joke I couldn't do, and it goes like this. First I go, do you ever give things that you're not attracted to children?

It's just kind of a funny line. And I go, but that shit is everywhere. Like what's going on with that song? Hey little girl is your daddy home. Did it go and leave you all alone? Raaah! Why am I hearing this at the dentist? Yeah.

It's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my skull. Is that the next line? It not a wake up with a sheet soaking wet and a free train running through my teeth. Well now we're just loving the song. It's a good song.

It is a good song. No, it's a great song. But all I said was like, that's fucking weird. Like nobody in the recording booth like this, through the glass when he was like, I got a bird desire. Was like, Bruce, it's fucking weird, man. That's all I said.

Don't do that, Bruce. And I never called him a pedophile. I'm not almost, we're not idiots. We're just saying the song sounds. No, I don't see why did they cut that out? Because I'm, the lawyers, not of HBO, because the production company would get sued, not HBO.

HBO was fine with it. The production company wouldn't let me do it, understandably, because you're calling him a pedophile. And then I'd say, Neil Diamond, girl, you'll be a woman soon. Wait for that transition to be complete. Yeah. What fucking skis?

She's just 16 years old, leave her alone, they said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're 16, you're beautiful, and you're mine. There's a lot of them out there. I know, but those two were like kind of subtle enough. No, no, no, but I'm surprised that. Yanked.

I'm surprised that that got yanked. It was yanked. But you know what I said. Wait, let's make sure I get the name of the special, correct. Jirty Clean. Jirty Clean, and that's out now. It's out now. That's out now.

And what's it on HBO Go or HBO Now? And watch the special, which is really funny, but then imagine that hunk in it. I know. That's even a little bit better. I had another, speaking of it, went out like that. I had Joe Grego. Some songs, this didn't make the special.

I go, some songs sound unfinished. Desmond has a barrow at the marketplace. Molly is a sail. Okay, that's a good start. And then they get to the chorus. They're like, oh, bloody, oh, bloody dodges for now. That goes on. Obviously I couldn't afford that one.

We got Led Zeppelin and the Beatles in this episode. This is gonna be. Yeah, this is what podcasts are. This is why I'm happy you're doing a podcast. It's still showbiz, but like it's a dream. I don't know if you've ever had a dream of something that like requires almost no preparation or effort, but somehow impossibly produces a result,

I would say, sometimes better than something that we worked really hard on. I have calculated every question and every response on this beforehand. And you've said all the things that I predicted you would say based on the algorithms I was working out long into the night. So I don't know what you're talking about.

I am old school and you've played right into my hands. Pete Holmes, an absolute desire. I got a bad desire, weird desire. I got a bad desire, ooh, I'm on fire. Tell me now, Pete, do you like me? Do you want to sit on the edge of my knee, oh, Pete? Pete, you put that thought in my head. I'm gonna think about it the rest of the day.

I know, I. And then I'm calling Bruce Springsteen because we chat every day on the phone. Give me a damn shirt. That's not how he sounds. Give me a damn shirt. Disappear. I know, I know, I know.

I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know. This is a terrible Bruce impression. Hey, I'm wearing jeans and a denim shirt. Oh, wow. Okay, well, that's.

I know, I'm good. What is that? Him as a deputy and an old cowboy? The bad guys are coming. Calm down, bad Bruce Springsteen impression. Yeah, but the bad guys are coming over here. We gotta get them. And we also gotta do something for the working man.

Marshall Dillon? All right, I'm wrapping this thing up. This thing's gone on way too long. This isn't one of your nine hour podcast where we just free flow. I'm a big believer it's after the first hour that you get the good stuff. But yeah. Who wants the good stuff? 104.

Who? But after he edits it. Can I say this? After he edits it? Don't edit this out. I have that control, so it's going on. Go ahead. Who told us that podcasts are supposed to be an hour?

I have had the experience of being on a podcast and it's like hour three. Yes. And I do start to feel like, how does this stop? Where I'm the guest. Right. And I do think that if the studio was on fire, they wouldn't wrap it up. I understand. They're trying to get a little more juice out of the breezes.

That's Conan's a breezy. Conan's your new thing. That's right. Because no one knows what you're talking about. Then I just say make it two hours. All right, Sonia, you gotta end this thing. Thank you for joining us. That was Pete Holmes.

That's how it ends. Check out Dirty Clean on HBO Now. And Crashing. Crashing comes back January 20th. 20th. After True Detective. After True Detective. We're the sorbet after the heavy on trouble.

Someone in a chrome mask is going to shoot somebody. And then I'll be like, can I get five minutes at your club, mister? What am I doing? That's a you, babe. Give me a break. I'm only doing that because I'm with you. That's my girl in show business. Gee, Mr. O'Brien, do you think you could put me on the show?

Chomp on gum, hands on hips. Scrunchy on wrist. Yeah. Gee, Mr. O'Brien, I could be a singer. All right, this is it. Peace out, Tupac. And now it's time for another installment of Conan O'Brien Pays Off the Mortgage on His Beach House.

Okay, of course, I'm sitting here with producer Matt Gorley and son of Sessian is doodling something. Remember the time I caught you doodling at your desk, Sona? And it was a butt. No. Remember when you were drawing a butt? Remember? The story.

Just hold it. Do you remember when you were drawing a butt? It's, I'm going to tell the story right now. There's no time because we're going into a second. I know, but you said, you don't do any work. I said, yes, I do. And I flipped through my notebook and there was a drawing of a butt. Yeah.

And why were you drawing a butt? I didn't draw it. Jason Jolemi, our field producer, drew it on my notebook. It was just very embarrassing because I picked up Sona's book to see what work she'd been doing. And there was just a drawing of a butt in her notebook. Well, do you remember when we did those Roman ED ads and you were drawing erections all over the paper?

I wasn't drawing them, I was sculpting them. Oh, that's right. Matt, we've now released a handful of these podcast episodes. And I thought we should do a state of the podcast where we assess how we're doing so far. Why don't you give us your assessment as a professional podcaster? Well, I don't think it's any surprise, but we are doing very well. This podcast has an average of five stars out of five stars.

The download numbers exceeded expectations multiple times where they even upped the ad sales and then had to sell more ads. So you're doing incredibly well. Okay. So that's good. I don't have any connection emotionally to any of that. Those are just, that's you looking at various graphs and charts. You probably go into a dark room and just look at all kinds of screens.

Yeah. A number seller. Yeah. And what I know, so I was in a foreign country called Canada and I was walking down the street and a car drove by and a guy rode, rolled down the window on his truck and said, gone in. I love the podcast. Now that's something when you're reaching to just the streets of another country.

I was in the streets of Vancouver. Now granted, it's practically the United States. Yeah. Vancouver is pretty much a suburb of Seattle. Yeah. But I thought that was a good sign. I'm hearing more and more people say they like the podcast. And that's the only thing I go by is humans telling me.

So your numbers and your graphs and your charts and you're telling me the advertisers quadrupled their expectations. Is that a fair, you think that's a good idea? First of all, I didn't use that voice. And second of all, I am a person telling you that. Oh, you're right. How do you feel about it? Are you feeling good?

I am. How do you feel about it? Yeah. I totally go by how things feel. I'm a sensual man. I'm a sensualist. I feel like I know what Sono goes through in a day-to-day business. And I go totally on.

I'm very tactile. What's your name? I'm like Jeff Goldblum. I have to touch everything around me. Please. Oh, that's Jeff Goldblum. It feels good to me. I enjoy it.

It feels like a form that fits my rambling mind. Sono, what are you doing? I'm sorry. You're on your phone. What I need help over here. I have to do something, too. You know what I'm saying? Can I just say something?

First of all, when we're doing the podcast, we're doing the podcast. I know. I'm sorry. And I looked over, hand me your paper, please. And you were drawing furiously, and you're drawing, who is that? It looks like kind of a chubby girl. That's very good. It's a little chubby boy.

Oh, it's a little chubby boy. He's got a little afro. Okay. And then you drew all these weird designs on the side. Yeah. It's just my- Right. When I see you texting on your phone, and you're like the teenage daughter, I'm trying

to explain to you, we're at, we're in Washington, DC, and I'm showing you the Lincoln Memorial and explaining to you who Abraham Lincoln is, and you're on your phone, you know, texting with your friend. Just tickling again. Yeah, put that down. Put it down. The state of the podcast is that the show is doing well, but behind the scenes, it's a mess here.

It's a mess. You doodle constantly. Why can't I doodle a little bit? I drew a little guy. Yeah, but you're not in the moment. I'm always present and in the moment. You have an attention problem. I do.

But you know, in my defense, I'm answering emails for you, because I am your assistant. When I do this, I shut my phone off and my phone doesn't exist, because I'm only doing this. All right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to do a doodle off. Okay, I'm going to tell you something to draw, and both of you are going to give it your best shot. Go.

Okay. A puppy dog with a Christmas bow on it. I got this, because I draw puppy dogs all the time. All right, yeah, and go ahead and talk us through your process as well. I'm imagining the puppy dog. Wow, they both have a very interesting, like, son is just blazing this dog out. Yeah, well, she draws puppy dogs all day long. That's what I do.

They're both actually quite good. Oh, she does. Let's draw puppy dogs. Like Conan is like the New Yorker style kind of artwork. James Thurber. Yeah. And he's got a bow on his head? Uh-huh.

It's a Christmas puppy. Well, I'm done. Whoa, all right, let's take a, please sign it. Please sign it. Okay. Quite a signature too. Wow. Yeah, I drew, I was under the, we were drawing as quickly as possible, so.

No one said that. Why did, who said that? No one did, but I, I just, when I heard competition, I just immediately started going really fast. And Sona, please put your name at the top. You know, I'm going to put, I'm going to put an extra piece of flair on this guy. Oh my God, both of these are impressive. Does yours have a bow on it? Yeah, he said a bow.

Oh, it is. Okay. All right, yeah. Wow. Okay, so here's what we'll do. Go to earwolf.com to the page for this episode and you can see the pictures of these drawings and you can vote amongst yourselves or on Reddit or wherever you want with friends as to whether Sona or Conan did the best dog with the bow drawing.

Find the little Christmas pup. Wow. And then can you put your name at the top? Yeah. Number two, as, as the assignment was clearly light up. Oh, okay. You're taking a lot from Conan. This is going to be great for people listening on the podcast.

You know what? Can I say something girly? You're the first podcast producer to have people silently draw on the air. Probably your downfall. You know, I didn't know. You know what? Eventually. What's that?

You, come on. Wow. That's not fair. Okay. Mine's funny. Look at the dog. He's sad. Should I?

Okay. That's funny. The owners didn't know his religion. Yeah. They just assumed. Yeah. So anyway. Well, you drew in Sharpie.

You have a tree. You have a, like a border. Oh God. You know what? You and I did. Your generation, all you do is cast blame. It's, it's not fair. It's not fair.

Where's my reality show? Where's my billion dollars? I put the work in and I reap the rewards. I don't know. You're, you're the one who started a show because you didn't get enough love and attention as I did. Well, it's working. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever Find Podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.