Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Phil The D!@k Whittler

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Conan talks with designer Phil from Minneapolis about designing fake products for a fake grocery store. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hey! Hi there, Phil. Meet Konan and Sona. Hello.

Hello, Phil. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you? We're very well. I don't know about you, Sona. I'm picking up on lots of energy from Phil. In a good way, Phil.

In a good way. You have an aura. I feel that too. Yeah, you have bordering on aggressive energy, but good. I like it. I like it a lot. Thank you. Thank you.

Tell us a little bit about yourself, Phil. Where do you live? Where are you right now? Minneapolis, Minnesota. Ah, Minneapolis, Minnesota. We had a good time there once, didn't we, Sona? Yeah, we did. We ate a lot of fried food.

Yeah, and then we walked to a museum. Was that in Minneapolis? We walked. It was. It was a really cool design museum. The Walker? Yeah, it was the Walker. Yes.

Yes. Sona, remember, I told you anything you want in the gift shop is yours. I spent a lot of money in there. I remember. I don't think you did, but anyway. Did I not? It wasn't a lot, but anyway, we had a good time. You bought me some nice stuff.

Yeah, it wasn't like anyone listening right now. They think, oh, you know, it's not one of those Oprah stories where I got her a car. I thought you were going to say anything you want in the museum. No, no, I said anything you want in the gift shop. Too bad. And then I think I said restricted to this aisle right here. It's just the greeting cards. It was, I think she got like a pen.

I got a five year journal that I still use. That's right. You did? Yeah. I would never have the optimism to buy a five year journal. I just think it's just taunting. It's taunting God. Why don't you just buy a journal that says, I defy you God.

You can't stop me from living. But anyway, back to Phil from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Tell us about yourself, Phil. Well, I'm a designer and I design fake products for a giant fake grocery store that's in Las Vegas, Nevada. Don't understand anything that you're talking about. Be honest with you. You design fake products for a fake grocery store.

I'm looking it up and that's the definition of insanity. Yeah. Or are you a sim? Yeah. Are you a real person right now? I think you're just made of like various pixels. My crystals just cropped out of the shot here. Seriously.

I don't understand what that means. You design fake products for a fake. What is this? No. So this is a giant interactive art exhibit and the patrons go in. They think they're in a grocery store. They walk around, they can shop. They can explore all they want.

And then you open up the beverage container and you walk through a portal and into another dimension. You're encouraged to explore, but this is contributions from 325 different artists who have created this incredibly unique. Wait. Can you buy any of the art? Can you purchase the art? Unlike the Walker, you can purchase this art.

You can purchase my, not the five year journals necessarily, but maybe a chocolate bar that looks like a TV remote. Okay. My mind is turning inside out. I don't understand the new work that we live in. I designed the physical product so they would assign me to design an organic apple juice. And then what I do is I come up with a company, which is Humane Farms. It's taken veganism way too far and they don't pluck any of their fruit from the trees.

They let it fall. And so all the fruit has chosen to be in your beverage and you can really taste the difference in a dignified death. I mean, that's a really funny idea. But also technically, if you're really going to be specific, it should be fruit that fell into a bottle. Because some fruit, its last wish may have been, I just want to lie on the grass right there and be picked at by a squirrel.

And so that's what you should, that's the next step is you put bottles out with sort of large mouths and then you just hope an apple falls inside. Or just people lying down and having open mouths and the fruit goes right into their mouth. How does it become juice? They chew it. Gourly. What? I have to let you go now.

We had a thing going. Conan, I felt the thing going. Yeah. And didn't you sense that? Phil, didn't you sense that? You and I got into this amazing synchronicity. Yeah, you guys were cooking. We were cooking with gas and then you stumbled in.

I did. Bumbling, shumbling. We were two amazing rowers in a skiff and we were going really fast. Each stroke perfectly, perfectly timed and then you dropped a bank safe in the middle of our boat. I guess I just have to start my own fake grocery store. Well, Phil, this blows my mind. This is the era we live in.

I mean, first of all, I used to think that the economy was such and that the world had changed so much that in any other time in history, I would have been this weird guy on the farm over in the corner that didn't do that much work and was constantly babbling. And the other Irish guys in the field were doing more work than I was, but somehow they tolerated me until I was murdered by a large stone being crushed on my head. But you, and then I live in this time where I can just have foolish ideas and let my inner freak flag fly and I get to have my own TV show and then podcast and I thought, well, that's really more an indication of something that's wrong with society.

People like me exist occasionally and we should be incarcerated, but that's society's fault that they encouraged me and paid me. Now, you've taken it to the next level, which is you're making fake products for a fake grocery store. It just blows my mind and you're making a living, right? This is a good living for you. I'm making a good living. Yes.

You're an artist. You're a graphic designer. You're an artist. You're also, I think, a humorist. You seem like a funny guy and you're putting a comedic twist on these products that people can buy. You're like the Price Is Right Banksy. Yes.

That's very good. That's fantastic. You're the Price Is Right Banksy. So I'm back. Am I hired back? Yes. Yes. I think you're back.

You're back, Matt. And guess what? Some say better than ever. Jesus. Wait. I'm looking. Nope. No one's saying that.

They're thinking it. Name some of these things. What is the name of the supermarket? The name is Omega Mart. Okay. And do you have a company for what you do? So the company that created Omega Mart, I worked for called Meow Wolf. I'm going to stop you there.

It's getting too silly. This is like Monty Python, where every now and then a sketch when it got really silly, like a general would step in a British general and say, that's it. That's it. Too silly. Sorry. I'm stepping in right now and I'm wearing a British general's hat from World War II. And I'm stopping it.

I have a company that makes nothing for a supermarket that isn't real. And the company's called Meow Wolf. And that's when I shut it all down. I think you're being punked. Yeah. Exactly. I don't think you're real. I swear to God, he's a sim, right?

Yeah. I promise I exist. No, no, you built yourself on Minecraft. Yeah. That's exactly what a sim would say is, I promise I exist. Yeah. You're real. Yeah.

Any robot will tell you, I mean, you know, harm just before it ends human life on this planet. Trust me. I've had many encounters with robots. Robots are assholes. But let's move on. Okay. What are your hobbies?

What do you like to do? He likes to make real products. Do you ever go to a real supermarket and look at it and just tear up a little bit that they have, wow, there's really people in here and people are buying real ragu tomato sauce and that's a real checkout counter. Oh, well, back to work. It's where I get all my inspiration. Honestly.

Yeah. I go in there and watch the mundaneness of it. That's where I want to inject the humor. That's you and I sitting on in the apple orchard making jokes while we're supposed to be working. That's the whole idea is I'm going in and really observing. Do you observe while you shop or do you just go in and just sit in the corner and watch people? How does that work?

I go in the corner usually and observe. I usually videotape them without their permission. Have you been escorted out of a supermarket yet? Or arrested. Yeah. Many times. Okay. Exactly.

I see how this is going. So, well, you sound like you're a comedy person. You're a comedy fan. Yes? Yes. I have been, I was, you know, just reflecting back on, you know, starting in high school. So this is, you know, 1996, 97, I was staying up late and watching your show come. And we, I would actually take a notebook out and write down every single skit that you

did. And then I would take it in with my classmates and we would break down what was so funny about it. Oh, wow. Oh, that's nice or conversely, when it went off the rails or failed to be funny. It's so quaint now, you know, obviously my perspective is very different. I jumped into doing that show and then we just worked like crazy. And then the next thing I knew, honestly, the next thing I knew 28 years had gone by.

And so when I talked to people of who are watching this show, you're a vintage. A lot of them, there was, there was no internet. And so people were, you kind of had to catch it when it was on, which was kind of the magic. You had to be up at 1235 or if you're in the central part of the country, 1135. But for the most part, you had to be up at 1235 and watching this weird thing. And then you had to, people would gather and talk about it. Some people, you know, the next day, and that just sounds like a thousand years ago. Now, if I try to explain that to my kids, that's not the world they live in.

Like all late night they watch is something that they experience on a little clip on their computer the next day. They don't see the whole show. They don't have to wait for anything. They don't experience it alone when they're high at 115 in the morning, which is really the way the comedy was meant to be experienced. So I don't know, I find that, I kind of love hearing about people that were watching during those times.

I think that's kind of interesting. It was truly an education and really, it made my reality now so much more viable that I could point to somebody like yourself in this absurdist comedy. You're blaming me. Is that what you're doing? You're blaming me. I have blamed you for a long time. I sense a lawsuit coming.

These are what my acolytes are doing. My disciples are out there in the world creating fake grocery stores, selling things that don't exist, giggling like the Riddler. Are you exchanging Bitcoin on the internet because that I will not have? No. I don't know what Bitcoin is. You don't understand Bitcoin. No.

Could you explain this to me? Your whole world. Yeah. Right. I'm the guy. I'm Bitcoin. I love that your whole world is meta and sort of, and I don't mean the Zuckerberg sense, but is imagined and unreal and part of this really new technology that exists just out

on the web. This is, yet I bring up Bitcoin and you're aghast, disgusted. You don't know what's happening. Why? Why Bitcoin? No. I like to play in these alternate realities where they assign me, they're like, we need to put gummy bears into the store and I don't know what joke to tell about gummy bears,

so I imagine an alternate universe where we've all been shucking our gummy bears for centuries and now we've become the first brand. We call ourselves No More Shells and we're the first brand to offer shellless gummy bears. So in your reality, gummy bears have always come in a shell and they've been shucked. They've been shucked and then sold, so that's the only way we know them, but you're selling them in the shell. That's a clever idea. I like that.

Yeah. Stop shucking your bears. Yeah. It's time. Okay. Well, I'm proud of you. I'm proud that. I am.

I do feel like a father figure to you who showed you the way and showed you that it's possible to not only live but flourish in the world and have your whole life mean nothing. Because that's what I feel like I've done, but now I'm so proud of you. I think that's everybody on this chat right now. I know. I know. You're offering nothing. Well, Sona, to her credit, birthed twins.

That's true. She gave birth to twins. You and I have children, Gourley, but as you know, we know that it's really our wives that saved the day. I'm not even sure I was present for the conception, so let's see. Well, with some help from Phil, maybe you were virtually present. That's true. Wow.

Well, do you have a Phil? I like you and I am. I'm very impressed with your creativity and your wit. Do you have a question for me? Is there any way I can help you? I do have a question. I would like to know because I've spent my time dedicated to fake products. Just to give you a little glimpse into my mind, I tend to enjoy products that solve one problem

but also create three more problems. I was curious, what products would you create in that scenario? It's so funny because in my job as a comedy writer for many years and performer, I was constantly, my mind was always thinking of products to be sold seriously that are stupid and really have, they don't really solve any big problem. I did one, it's very obscure, but I thought of a product when I was a writer on Saturday Night Live long time ago. This is Jesus over 32 years ago, baby, but I remember having this product where it's

if someone's kept you waiting a long time and you don't want to just say, hey, man, where were you? I waited your three hours late, but you want to get your message across silently. It's called Long White Beard and so you could probably look this up. I don't know, but it was just, I love the seriousness of the pitch because it wasn't pitched as a silly product. That's the whole thing. It was pitched as someone coming into the meeting late and saying, sorry, sorry, traffic,

I hope I didn't keep you waiting and you just got to three people in a boardroom and they turn around and they've got Long White Beards that they've strapped on that indicate you kept us waiting for a long time, but they had, it's very passive aggressive. They just go like, oh no, no, no, no, we're fine and then it got to the point like there was an ambulance that showed up and these two guys jump out and they say, we're sorry, we hit traffic and you see a guy who's crashed his motorcycle and he's lying there on the road and he's like, no, no, I'm good and he's got a Long White Beard, which is like, A, why would you have this stupid thing handy, B, is that, it's completely unnecessary.

And I think I've, I mean, that's the one that comes immediately to mind because it was incredibly stupid and it actually got shot. We shot it and it aired on SNL and it was the dumbest, but that's my kind of comedy. I think that's where we, I think we are brothers from another mother because I love that. I love anything. It's a colossal waste of everybody's time and resources. So Phil, I bless you, you're doing God's work in my opinion. Go forth and waste America's time.

And thank you so much for talking to me and it's nice to have this connection too. I'm glad you were watching back in the day. That means a lot to me. That's cool. Yes. Thank you so much. And please, please come to Omega Mart. Hey, Phil, really quickly before you go, I hear you made quite an interesting whittling

project. I just wanted to see if we should see that. I did. I've spent the pandemic whittling dicks into everything with a wooden handle. Sorry I asked. And so, yeah, I've just, and I've gotten, I've actually gotten pretty good. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Jesus. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Great dick. Oh my God. Sona.

Wait a minute. It's very detailed. Jesus. Why are you, why are you joining, Phil, why are you, stop it, Phil. I mean, nun chucks need nun chucks. No. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Nun chucks and I don't need dick chucks. People have to check these out. These are, you're making wooden dildos that are quite realistic. And then, and you've learned to whittle these in your, during COVID? That's right. I've taught myself. I told my wife I was going to become an artisan dick whittler. I was going to quit everything.

You, you succeeded. And she didn't laugh, which is, that means that I'm going to double down and I'm going to keep going as a joke. When people don't laugh, man, you're a good, you're a good student. When people don't laugh, you don't double down. You triple down. No, don't throw good dicks after bad. Why did you bring this up at the last second, Matt?

I didn't know. I didn't. I was just prompted. I didn't know what they were. Wow. Okay. So, well, I take back everything I said. I blessed this man and told him to go forth in my name. And then at the last second, you're like, Oh yeah. And one other thing, I whittled dicks in my spare time.

Fill the dick whittler. Yeah. You're a fill the dick whittler and you've got the Conan O'Brien seal of approval. You should put a load. Already got it. No jake bags. I know there's no taking back now. What put on them has seen Conan O'Brien approved and put that thumbs up on it.

And then, wow. Okay. Well, I changed my mind. You're a terrible person and we're never to speak again. Well, at least we have the title of this episode, fill the dick whittler. Yes. Yeah. People will listen for 95% of it and not know why it's called fill the dick whittler. And then it's the big surprise ending. All right, Phil, really nice to meet you.

Likewise. Don't get any splinters. We'll talk to you later. Thank you so much. In the making or the using. All right. Take it easy. Take it easy, Matt. Jesus.

Jesus. Thank you. That was really funny, Phil. Thank you. Thank you so much, Phil. Yeah. Good to meet you. Take care. Great to meet you.

Oh my God. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salateroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf, music by Jimmy Vivino, supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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