Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Please Don’t Destroy (with Special Guest Paul Rudd) Live at the Brooklyn Academy of Music

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

Comedy trio Please Don’t Destroy feels too young to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Ben, John, and Martin sit down with Conan to discuss bringing their act in front of Lorne Michaels, their unique group dynamic, and playing with the evolution of sketch comedy. Plus, Paul Rudd drops by with a special treat for Conan, and the Chums take audience questions about turning into a chair, Halloween costumes, childhood crushes, and more. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

I'm a fan of the music. I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan O'Brien! Thank you very much! I'm the one who's gonna die! Yeah! Thank you, my boy! Horia! Hello, Brooklyn! Did you see what just happened right here? I offered my nipple to this woman right here

and she wisely declined. Then I turned to this guy, who leaps at the chance, and you missed my nipple. You were like five inches off. You rubbed my low belly. We are so excited to be part of the New York Comedy Festival. Brooklyn Academy of Music.

How many people here are from Brooklyn in the audience tonight? You got a real Brooklyn people here, right? It is amazing. It is amazing. I used to live in Brooklyn. I lived in a very different Brooklyn than the one you're thinking about. I moved to Brooklyn when I first got my job at Saturday and at live and we don't have to woo everything. And then I was murdered. And now I'm a ghost. Well

that's appropriate anyway. I came out here and I moved to Williamsburg in 1988. It was not the Williamsburg you know today. It bore no resemblance. It was desolate, it was frightening. Have you seen the movie Dune? Brooklyn was like Dune then. There was a giant worm who was smart enough to buy his brownstone then. He's made a fortune. But I live then and I think my roommate at

the time, Lynette, are you here tonight? Where are you, Y'all? There's Lynette! Lynette Cortez! Lynette was my roommate at the time and I took the apartment over the phone at SNL, you told me you've got to move to Williamsburg, it's amazing, it's up and coming. And I got there and didn't realize you meant it's up and coming in 25 years. Every day I was almost murdered. But I went to the old neighborhood like yesterday and now it's just a giant piece of avocado toast. It's the whole building. But it's absolutely amazing and I'm also just really impressed.

I've been here like 24 hours walking around Brooklyn and everyone here is so self-satisfied. I'm serious. Everyone is like, hmm, I might recognize you, but I'm not going to say a thing. And I'm going, hello! Comedy guy around 40 years, Simpson's SNL, Conan's Blah. And they're like, mmm. And they act like they're not even sure Manhattan is a place. There are people I've met from Brooklyn who've never,

has anyone here from Brooklyn never been to Manhattan? Just tell me right now. OK, that's a place. There are people I've met from Brooklyn who've never, has anyone here from Brooklyn never been to Manhattan? Just tell me right now. Okay, that's a little too much. I went too far. It's so nice of you to be here tonight and so nice that so many people are listening to the podcast, which is something that came along late in my career. I am 84 years old, and this is the fifth anniversary

of us doing the podcast almost to the day. And we wanted to do something special, which is why we're here. We are celebrating five years of doing the podcast, and for me, it's been this miracle, this whole new life, and it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't joined by two other people. Yeah. My accountant. And this real estate guy, he was really smart. No, and I think we should bring them out here and acknowledge them and give them all the love they deserve because they make it really fun for me to do this Podcast day in day out. Let's get Sonoma of Sesson Matt Gourley out here I always forget that Sona was, I made you go into show business. I mean, it was against your will pretty much.

You're my assistant. And then it just came out and you saw this whole audience and I think, yeah, that's a good crowd. Yeah. I'm an old time show business guy. But you leaned into my, you leaned in good crowd, yeah. I'm an old-time show business guy. But you leaned into my, you leaned in, and you whispered in my ear just now. That's a lot of people.

Yeah. Also, you know what, I was listening to you talk backstage. Do you think it's a coincidence that Brooklyn became cool after you left? OK. Oh. There has been a noticeable dip in cool the last two days. I'm sure they're happy.

I'm sure there has. I mean, I'm, I mean, I, I've not spent a lot of time here, but I've been having a blast. I really do love it. But yes, I do think everyone here is better, much better looking than I ever was, and they're much better dressed than I ever will be. I mean, it's very impressive.

Yeah. I mean, pretty's very impressive. Yeah. I mean, pretty high bar, I'm just what I'm saying. Is it? Sorry. Oh, come on. No, come on. I don't mean that. You're nice.

But it is. Also, I'm sure not everybody here is from Brooklyn. No, there's a lot of people here who aren't from people are from Staten Island. They're from Queens We got some people who came from Manhattan Okay, there's a question. Here's a question. I we talked to somebody outside who came all the way from Winnipeg win a panada in Canada. Where are you now? Yeah, Janels here, okay? Okay, let's not yeah Okay, take it easy Janels. There's you in Janelle? Yeah, Janelle's here. Okay. Okay, let's not. Sorry. Okay, take it easy Janelle. There's like five Janels out there. Yeah No, it's that Janelle right there. She is out of control

No, people have come here tonight. There's someone from Guam. This is pretty amazing. Yeah, I made it up. It's not true Oh, I met see I met Caesar and Katie from North Carolina. There they are. You know what we're going to do? We're going to do a whole hour of randomly naming people. You came from England? We did. You lied.

Wow. You came from England? Why? Don't do your accent. You had other things to do in town, yes? You came just for this? Why? Jesus.

Wow. You came from Tokyo? Now people are just lying. Yeah. I came from Middle-earth. What? The Eye of Siren brought me here. Well, I hope you enjoyed the show.

Why? Why would that? brought me here. Well, I hope you enjoyed the show. Why? Why would that? That woo was so badly placed. That's a guy in line. It was like, I'm going to woo it just the right time. Yeah. Look, these two on the extreme ends

are like doppelgangers of each other. Look at this. That's true. Can you, can people see them? Please stand and turn towards the crowd. Please, I demand it. Why are we doing this? Because you stand.

It's their strange doppelgat. They're, they're alternate universe versions of each other. And they sat in the exact opposite universe seats from each other. Now swap partners. OK. And we're going to film it for Dutch television. Oh my God, I just saw that shirt that says B-D-E and it has a picture of your face on.

Oh my God. Oh no. What? What? What are you talking about? No. What do you mean no? Come on. Oh please, you always act like some asexual creep.

Well, you're half right. I'm still a little lost. That's not what I'm up to. B-D-E for him. He's all confused. My big dick energy. Oh, I think it's big dork energy. No.

I didn't like that at all. And the crowd didn't like it either. Yeah. I don't know. This all, and the crowd didn't like it either. Yeah. I all know, this guy's got it going on downtown. I'm just a meandering fool. I came here on a different flight from you guys. I took four private jets to get here. I wanted my carbon footprint to be so large.

You know, and you. There was four private jets, just all mask taped together. Oh. And you had space for the two of us. No, I know. I'd like to put my feet up. Uh. Actually Simpsons line.

Anyway, no, I came here on American Airlines flight yesterday and just shot out to AA. You know, they're good. Yeah, give us those miles. What's that? Right? Huh? Give us those miles. Yeah Not money give us miles. So anyway, what's wrong with you? I just I realized I asked for miles when we could just be asking them for money. No, okay. Well, no They're not gonna just give us money just or miles

Yeah, but listen, I'm curious, I had a pleasant flight out. Did you guys travel together? Yeah, we did. Yeah, yeah. So, do you mind if I speak somewhat freely about our trip in? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know what you're gonna say, but yeah. Well, we got on the plane and so on and goes, I'm gonna take an edible. And then about a half hour later, she goes, I'm not feeling anything. I'm gonna take another edible. And then about a half hour later, she goes, I'm not feeling anything. I'm gonna take another edible. She puts on a movie, I put on a movie. 15 minutes later, I look over.

She's watching the movie Blackberry doing this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She was like rave tripping and dancing to the movie Black Bear. It's a drama, but that soundtrack slaps, you know? How high did you get? I got really high. I should not have taken the second one. And the third one was a big mistake. Do you routinely take edibles before you fly? Yeah, so I could sleep.

Well, you weren't sleeping. You were doing the robot while you watched the movie Blackberry. Yeah, but after it ended, I went to sleep for a long time. Yeah, it's nice. OK, all right. I felt good. OK. I had a good time on that.

I feel now. I feel good now. But you wouldn't do edibles before you came out on a good show, right? No, I feel it. Have you ever done that before you've done a podcast? No, i have not i know everyone probably thinks they do well now that we have no but i don't know

does me that in my sober mind but i should have fun with that be though what do we have a good time i think it would be no different okay ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay. True. There's no difference. I've seen you completely wasted and there's no difference. Yeah, you know, that's true. And I will, you're both good parents because I will point out that last night we were, no, I was being honest, last night we were out to dinner and both of you were showing me, because you're away from your young kids.

You were both showing me your baby monitors that you have on your phone, which is something my parents never checked in on me in my entire lifetime. They still don't know who I am or what I do. But you are looking, you're in Brooklyn and you are looking at your children sleeping in Los Angeles. Yeah, it's nice. It's nice to be able to look at them at any point. My daughter had a book on her head.

I noticed that. There daughter had a book on her head. I noticed that. There was a large book. It looked like an encyclopedia Britannica was resting on... I'm not kidding. Resting on her head as she slept, and you went, why should you go call my wife? Like this was like an eight pound book

was lying on her head. It's the only way she'll sleep. It's like the weighted blanket, but you don't want to spring for that. We're educating her through osmosis. She doesn't go to school. But Warren P's on her head. She goes out like a white slave school. Warren P's.

You did take an edible. Why are you laughing at Warren P's? I don't know. I'm just reading that to a little too. You're old. Come on. That's funny. You're right. Yeah. Yeah, OK.

That's funny. I wish you had been part of my career a long time ago. I know a lot of young fans, like primarily know the podcast. But I could have used you in 1993 just laughing and looking at the crowd back when people didn't like me very much and say come on. It's funny I don't know if I would have found you funny

Dirty blow after body blow I know I'm me here this woman's cheering me up again. Hi, how are you? Get that oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big dick energy over here. I'm not worried about anything. You made jokes like that. What's it? If you made jokes like that in 1993. Back in 1993? Yeah. No one knew what BDE was back then. That's true.

That's a new one. No one talked about penises back then. Yeah. Now it's all we talk about. Yeah. Back then it was a forbidden subject. Yeah, we didn't even have them back then. I would have found you funny.

Okay, that's nice. That's a great, great end of that little conversational circle right there. Thank you, Son, thank you for right here in front of this giant hall of fantastic people at the Comedy Festival. It'd probably the very end of my career saying you would have found me funny. Appreciate it. You're welcome. Okay guys we can pull this together. Come on. Okay let's pull it together. I think it's time I love you. I love you too. And I think you're very funny. You're a funny guy. I think you have a very promising career ahead of you. Okay. Thank you. You're a fool. I think it's time that we get this show really cook them.

Not that it's not cookin' already, but I think it's time that we maybe dim the lights and bring out our surprise guests. Hello! We are Please don't destroy. And we feel too young to be Conan O'Brien's friend. Borley! Rock, roll! Woo! I want to thank you guys. These people left work at Saturday Night Live. We're doing a show this week to be here for the most important night of your lives and show business. Yeah, baby.

So if the show is not good this week, don't be upset. Yeah. We're sorry we're not more famous. Um, he felt like a big build up there. You may know us from our hit show, Workaholics. Hello. Hello. So glad to be here.

Yeah. I am a massive fan of you, gentlemen, and I am so thrilled that you would be here tonight. So here is all you know that. So lucky to be here. And one of the things I was like going over here, because first of all, we have something in common. I worked at SNL long before you guys were born back when it was a radio show. Wow.

Yes, President Roosevelt would come on and say, oh, for the big show. And there were sketches and things. And it was a very different time. And I was telling the crowd a little bit about that back in the day. And you guys work there. And you have, you make these incredible comedy shorts.

But I have to tell you, you shoot them in the actual office that's identical to the office that I worked in. Mine was just down the hall, the one that you guys do your show in. All your shorts, which have gone viral that you do, they're in this room where I felt the greatest terror and dread of my life.

So when everyone else watches those sketches, they love them, and when I watch them, I have to say I have to come over a lot of PTSD to appreciate what you got, to just get into the comedy a little bit, because it's horrifying, it's a tough job. No, it's not. Um.

Not for a sorry. Not for a sorry. I'm saying sorry is job anyone's ever done. It's funny, when you're talented, it's not the hard. I don't know. But I'm sorry you felt that. Yeah, that's so sad. I just would try and try and nothing would happen,

and then you guys, um, don't know. No, it can be really stressful. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. But do you look back fondly on your time at SNL? Like, is it one of your favorite? I was a magical time. I was like you guys.

I was super young, and I was working there, and I couldn't believe that I remember the thing about SNL as they throw you right in the deep end of the pool. Did you have that experience, too? They, you show up, and I didn't feel qualified for anything, and I got hired. And the first day, they're like Steve Martins in that room. Go pitch him a joke.

Go pitch him a sketch. And know, go pitch him a sketch. And I would say, you shouldn't send me in there. I'm an idiot. I still have acne. I'm 23. I shouldn't be allowed in a room with that man. No one's vetted me. And so I remember that part being just amazing.

I loved it. It was scary and terrifying, but at the same time I felt like it was an incredible experience. Totally. And nobody tells you anything about the show. There's no rules going into it. So when we shot our first video, JCPenney Hearts Alters,

we, uh, for those listening on audio, John made the audience clap. Yeah. And they still didn't really. No, they didn't know it. Whatever. It doesn't matter. No, they didn't know it. It doesn't matter. I know what that is. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, there's a family in the top row. No, when we just did that on our own, because when we got hired, they had seen our videos on Twitter and TikTok and stuff, and they were like, yeah, maybe you'll do some of those, because we were just hired as writers. So we just kind of took it upon ourselves to go shoot this thing and then we showed it to producers

and they were like, yeah, maybe we'll show it. And then they showed it and then it did well and then it got on the air. But we didn't know that going in. Yeah. And it was the Kim Kardashian episode. Yeah. Which is like, I don't imagine that's what her audience

wanted to see. These three ghost white boys talking about funny hard-seltzer brands. Did you, who has been the guest-strimin' him guessing, I think I know the answer, but who you've worked with that has been like the most intimidating, the biggest star that you've worked with. You think you know the answer? I think I do. Do you think it's yourself? I know it's myself. No, I've never did a thing with you guys on the show.

So no, it could have been me. Yeah, you didn't know that? No. I'm not an important to you that you thought maybe I've done so. Oh, wow. I knew you from somewhere. I don't know. All right, well, yeah. No, I'm curious who you think it is.

Well, come on, Taylor Swift. That was not much use. Yes. No. Stephen Marty. Steve, yep. That's a good answer. Yeah.

And Taylor Swift, I'm just like. Taylor Swift definitely. But that's too big that it's beyond like, I couldn't understand it. And I just wanna have a quick check in, Martin, have you spoken yet? Hello. No, I have not.

Just a quick little check in with Martin. So Martin, where do you go? Are you a bud? Where do you go in these moments? There's long moments where you disappear. You were like this. Yeah. Gotta say something at some point, Martin. this. Yeah. Gotta say something at some point, Marty.

Yeah. I can't have a conversation with you in front of zero people. There's like a millionaire. But yeah, Taylor Swift was... Be great at this one. I think you should stop right there. Thank you guys. I think it'd be great. I also think it there. Thank you guys. I think it'd be great.

I also think it'd be great if you were hooked to a rope and you sailed up and out. And it was an exit that cost us like $30,000. And just wasn't worth it. You guys started together near NYU and you guys were making, and this is an amazing thing about this era. When I was starting out, you couldn't, I don't have to explain that, everyone knows, you couldn't make a video and put it on the internet. There was no internet, but I envy that. I envy your ability to like workshop stuff

and put it out there and get responses from people. We just did things bits in alleys for each other. When you were at the lamp for sexual favors. Right. You were etching into a tabla. When you were at the lampoon and you wrote stuff, would other students come up to you being like, that's really funny? Like was it? Not often, no.

No, and that was the thing is I would, you know, I was in college and I was writing stuff for the college human magazine and every now and then someone would Accidentally get it and read it and be like oh, I think you're that you have a funny name and I think I read something by that guy with a funny name And I think that amused me slightly, but no, I didn't get that that fix at an early age at all I didn't get that for many years. Damn still kind of didn't get it But yeah, just kind of never came that's never really never really happened. Never really came together for me. But you go ahead, shut up. Um.

Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I always had an idea for an improv character. He just goes, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, just dominates every scene. And then he's got a bad attitude, Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, playing in my head right now shut up shut up Get on the drums dude. Yeah, shit. No, I can't do any of that

What a great show business thing. Hey show them that thing you do on the drums. I don't do anything on the Curtain down if you guys need help like load that shit out later, I could maybe do. Look, the important thing is you're having this incredible success. You've these videos are everywhere. People yell at you on the street, catch phrases from your videos. Yes, they do.

What's the one you hear the most? Sad Virgin. I get that too. But you got it for a different reason. Yeah. You did a sketch that relates to sad virgin. Totally. And it's not even true.

Right. We're not sad. Yeah. Did the joke on the Tonight Show last night? Yeah, baby. That's all right. If you got the time this thing airs, we're forgotten all about that shit.

Now listen. Well, you don't have any history with the TNJ2. What happened with that? Yeah I thought you were doing that. Let me tell you. Let's get into that. It just didn't handle too much comedy. It was a different time. You guys were like three when that happened.

Yeah I know. You don't care. And that's how I know Sah from the Can't Stop documentary. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. Sonah was in a Conor Brian Can't Stop. Yeah. You were high there, too.

I was. I was drinking a lot on that tour. I was eating the whole time. I was high a lot. And I was drunk a lot. Yeah. Best assistant I've ever had. My favorite photo, and I it and I have it taped up is there's a photo of like 15 people who got backstage at some event and I'm taking a giant, a number of giant selfies

with them and in the foreground, Sona's drinking the largest glass of white wine you've ever seen, not helping me in any way. You're welcome. Yeah. You're welcome. Have you guys ever smoked together? Smoked weed? No. No.

What about heroin? Oh! Yeah. Oh, that was it all the time. Yeah. Heroines are very quick sustained eye. Yeah. It's fantastic.

Are you okay, man? What about hair? We do. It's writing night at SNL. Listen, Lauren won't know. He's not there. Lauren shows up Saturday at one o'clock in the afternoon. What's happening? None of this. We'll cut it out. Sure it'll be fine. Did Conan say that? What's happening? Um, none of this. We'll cut it out. Sure, it'll be fine. Did Conan say that? What's he doing? Is he still in the business? Um, can't he just age naturally? Um,

So anyway, Uh-huh. Lauren came to an audition. That's how you got on SNL. Yes. And did you know he was in the audience when you auditioned for Lauren? We did.

We had been making a bunch of videos online on Twitter and TikTok and stuff. And those had started getting some attention from people at the show. And then yeah, they were like, hey, Lauren is gonna come see your show at this like basement improv theater in New York. And it was terrifying. And he had a mask on. It was like kind of right at the end of the movie.

I'm Nixon. I'm Nixon. I'm Nixon. He used to do that to try and throw off performers. I'm Nixon. You are really good at impressions, my friend. Yep, that's my Nixon. It was similar to your Lauren. Not really. You were really good at impressions, my friend. Yep, that's my Nixon. It was similar to your Lauren. Not really.

Very different impression. Yeah, ask me for another one. Cow Williams. What's that? Here I am, I'm Cat Williams. I know I'm Obama. Cat Williams. Where did you come up with that?

I love Cow Williams. So anyway, you knew he was going to be in the audience. He were terrified, but it worked out. It worked out. He came backstage after the show, and he shook our hands, and was like, I think I'll be seeing you soon. Yeah. And I don't know why you're laughing.

It's not a joke. Who fucking laughed at that? Bring all the lights on. Get him out. We start going through people. You from Tokyo. Is there so many all the way from Tokyo? People came from Tokyo.

They did? Yes. And they got us. Please don't destroy. Man, you are on the flight over being like, it's Shirley Tina Fey. LAUGHTER Those guys have made like three videos.

Come on, you're the hip-cool thing. You're up and coming. You're on the edge. You'll see. It's all going your way. Hey, I was part of you at a very successful tour this summer, and you asked me to drop by. Yeah. And I did. You guys did a show in DC and I came to that show and I watched you guys and you killed it. You were hilarious. Your sketches are fantastic. Thanks, Conan. You were so awesome. And then you brought me on stage and humiliated me. I don't think that it was humiliating.

Yeah, it was fantastic. It was a great idea. It was a big deal. It was also funny that we had you fly out to DC to be in the show and then told you when you were there, we had a show in LA the next week. They did. That's a true story, which is where you live.

They told me there's a spot for you in DC and I said, I really like these kids to wait flew from LA to DC and backstage, they said, we're at the Wiltern Theater in two weeks, which is 22 minutes from my house. If I'm crawling on my belly, it's 22 minutes. Anyway, it was nice. I enjoyed the flight from LA to DC is the best flight. Oh my gosh. I didn't know they made a commercial airliner I enjoyed the flight from LA to DC is the best flight.

I didn't know they made a commercial airliner that small and narrow. Yeah, they projected a movie that for everybody to watch. They did it old school. But anyway, I came and I was really impressed with your sketches. They're very original, they're very cool, and I just loved it. I love being part of it. You know what's funny is you also, didn't you have a three-man sketch group back in the day with Odin Kirk and Robert Smigel, Odin Kirk? It wasn't three-man, we had a bunch of other people, but we did it in Chicago. It was called Happy, Happy Good Show. And we did a lot of the things on stage

that audiences at the time didn't like that much, but they ended up being on the late night show. Wow. Year 2000 was, was, hell yeah. We used to do that in Chicago, and that was in the summer of 88, and it was a blast, and then, who knew? I mean, I always thought Bob Odin Kirk was one of the funniest people ever,

and now he's one of the world's greatest actors. And I was like, I didn't know, I had no idea. I'm still happy for him. Yeah. Somebody tagged us in a photo of the three of you and was like, this is, please don't destroy. Yeah. Those are good times.

The tour was a big success. We had a lot of fun. Yeah. And you did something in that that I thought was like, this new, I could tell it was a new level of comedy that things have changed Which is you when you're done with a sketch you just say and it does really well everyone's laughing You went okay, so that was that one We don't want to waste the next one. I thought who does that?

Who does that? Yeah, and and you guys do it and I was talking to other comedy friends of mine, and we said, I didn't know we could do that. We could just say, okay, that's that one. And it makes me think back to all the years where I struggled to think of an ending for a sketch. And it's fake because endings are often terrible for a sketch. And so we would work really hard and come up with an ending. And be like, well, I guess we sure are the most family.

And then they would cut to my sketches now, and I feel, I mean, she's so embarrassing. Oh, it was a waste of time. Yeah. Well, thanks. Thanks. I was a drowning man, and you threw me an handful. I remember when we were in college,

John and I were on a sketch group together that like the years-long format was that you would black out the lights at the end of a sketch and the whole group would like dance together while people are changing. Well, that's a war crime. Yeah, it was humiliating. So I think it's kind of in response to that. Yeah, I think we were rebelled against it.

So you just said, yes, you just learned. I mean, my name Python figured out in 1969, you can just say, and now for something completely different. And I thought they broke the sound barrier. And then the United States, we just kept plotting along with, well, I guess we do have big bottoms. And then use it for a play. And everyone's like, I guess that was an ending? It was, no, it was really fun being on tour.

It was fun meeting people in person who have seen us in our videos, because people would always ask us, like, are you guys really best friends in real life? And the truth is, almost all of us are. So... ... ...

... ... Yeah, we'll just get through this guy. Oh, no, the odd man out is... ... We'll have to figure that out. No, for real. These are genuinely some of my co-workers.

And you like those bits? I did like those bits. Thanks, Conan. Yeah, what do you call land? You guys must be super excited to be sitting with me. Yeah. Okay. Guys must be super excited to be sitting with me. Yeah, okay No, I I genuinely don't want a panda to get the crowd to cheer but Conan O'Brien is the best to ever do it and we love him so

It's not pandering at all. No, we're not pandering. Said that as written. Yeah. That was their contractual. You guys were very nice because, and this is where we have to be delicate, because there is a strike happening right now, which I think is going to get resolved. I hope any hour now, any second now. But so we're not promoting things. But I did work on a project with you guys,

a project that may be projected at some point. What the fuck? That was mad. That was mad. I want attention. Have we boxed you guys out this whole time? No.

No. We're really having a good time over here. I'm very much the Martin of this group. Yeah. Right. It feels like the three of you have a good thing on. It's out here that are two that refuse to speak. You guys invited me.

Are you talking about the auto worker strike? No. I'm talking about the SAG after strike. And so we're trying to respect that and not talk about, say, an upcoming project. I've been told to use the word project. Yes. That might be coming out soon involving you, gentlemen, and you were kind enough to ask me to be part of it.

Yeah. To play one of your fathers, one of you. I can't say. And I got the call and I am a big fan and was thinking it would be, oh, that's cool. And then I read the script for the project. And I said, the script which would then create the project which will be projected in maybe some kind of a room and other rooms across the country.

And I said, oh, that's really funny. I would love to do that. So I was honored that you guys chose me from the literally tens of thousands of people that looked just like you. It's so many options. It was me who ran Howard, yeah. We've been snarky, but we love Yukon.

Yeah. And for real, when we were doing, without honestly promoting it too much, when we were in the midst of trying to figure out what the role was going to be, We were going out to a bunch of people like Paul Rudd. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I felt like. Because you've used him in a lot of your stuff. He's hilarious. Yeah, we worked with the middle area on these the best.

He's terrific. And it just wasn't like a fit. It didn't work for the, it wasn't right. But we love him. He's great. Oh, Jerry. Oh, God. Oh, hey. Hey, Paul.

Hey, Paul. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Oh, God. Oh, hey, Paul. Hey, Paul.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Oh, it's going on. Oh. Hi. Thank you. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi.

No. Please. Sit down. Please sit down. And thank you. No, they sat down a while ago. Yeah. And they're probably listening on their phones.

Yeah. They don't know what was standing up. And don't take it for, they were doing that for all the guests tonight, so. Yeah. Look, I wasn't anticipating coming out. I thought I would just be standing in the wings not saying a word, much like Martin. But then I heard what was going on and I felt,

I needed to say something, right? I mean, I needed to state my case. Well, they just said that you weren't a good fit and that they thought I was the better fit for it. That's all. Right. No, I got that. And by the way you they have every right What the hell Go ahead!

It's fucking ridiculous. Please continue. They have every right to cast their project in any way they want. Of course, they're the creative minds. And I think they made a great choice. But look, I have a subscription to Dromolog. I get the breakdowns through my agency, the Savage Agency.

I know what's going on out there in the industry. And so I heard about the project. And I'm like, hey, this sounds great. I should just reach out, you know? And say, great, I'd love to be a part of this. They said, terrific, we'd love for you to come in an audition. I said, guys, come on, I mean, look, I'm, I was in Halloween 6, I'm off for only. But they wanted to see it, you know, which I get, I understand, I say, well, here's the

problem. I can't come in right now because, well, we're in the middle of a lockdown. It's COVID. To which you guys said, and I will never forget this, You said, that's not a real thing. We're learning a lot about comedy tonight. Hey everyone with microphones toast. Wow, what a great experience. There was nothing weird about that. Not at all. So I said, all right, well look, here's the deal. I can't come in, but I could probably audition.

I could do this remote. I'm here with my elderly mother, and maybe we could, if you send me the pages, I could put together something, I can work with her. Obviously I felt good about this because as I did know, elderly people are, they don't, they're not, affected by COVID. So, yes. Yeah.

Exactly. Uh-huh. So we worked on the audition and I was really proud of it. I was really excited, and I said, all right, well, just, you know, I'm filming it, I can put on a link, I'll give you a password, I'll send it off, and then I never heard anything, which was a little upsetting, because I thought it was pretty good.

And if you're interested, you guys can be the judge. And maybe you can see, I was right for the partner not. I mean, I don't know. I feel pretty secure that I nailed it, but let's see what you did with it. Should we do that? Is that all right? Well, you guys, I mean, you're a part of it. Let's do it. All right, well, let's see let's see what you did with it. Should we do that? Yeah, is that all right with you guys? I mean let's do it. Yeah, all right. Well, let's see his audition Now. Now, I get that my mom throws it off. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Rudd, and Bruno Fessi again. My eternal thanks to please don't Destroy For Stopping My!

Thank you guys! I'm not a fan of the song. Be honest, the second you saw Paul Rudd, who knew? Yeah. But it still doesn't matter, does it? You're just waiting. Even the eye was like, oh, I can't wait. Yeah. I know it's going to happen.

It's the setup. But I want it to happen. Yeah, he's really invested in the setup, too. You're like, maybe it is an audition tape. No, it's gonna happen, but I want it to happen. Yeah, he's really invested in the setup too. You're like, maybe it is an audition tape. No, it's not. No, he could go on for maybe four hours talking and then working his way slowly to it. And I would still be happy to see that.

He's been doing that, I think, for maybe 15 years to me. Someone did a mashup? Have you ever seen the mashup online? Yeah. Do you have any one, why are you holding that boy? How, just do all of those work right now? One, two, three. OK. Just in case I need him.

OK. Well, that was delightful. That was delightful. You know what else is delightful? What? We have some big news. We do. Celebrating this five-year anniversary, which we've learned. We've learned is called the Quinquennial Celebration.

Yeah, we have a, we are celebrating and this is what we've done. Ladies and gentlemen. I have a card. What's that? I was like, yeah, I have a card. Someday you'll have a card. That doesn't say anything on it. It says cue set up.

I don't business. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to announce that to celebrate our five years all new original content, we are coming out with a vinyl record. Yep. Conor O'Brien needs a friend. Queniel celebration. There I am on the cover. And yes, that's my orgasm phase. Shock and sad surprise every time. Every time, many times a day. Anyway, it's a limited edition vinyl,

only 1,500 copies are going to be made. Yeah, that's right, and it's vinyl. If you want to celebrate the future, it's cool. I think it's very cool. Also, we listened to it the other day. It's stuff that hasn't happened on the podcast. It's all new. There's some I think it's very cool. And also, we listened to it the other day. It's stuff that hasn't happened on the podcast. It's all new. There's some stuff in there I really like. And the pre-order is going to start tomorrow at 11 a.m. Eastern Standard

Time at NewberryComics.com slash Conan. And these are going to come out. But I think it's cool. I'm glad that we have a record coming out. Like you said, it's all original content. It's we have a record coming out. I think it's like you said, it's all original content. It's also a little bit more judged up than normal. It's got some music, some production and stuff. We wanted to make it a little bit more. It makes the podcast we do every week sort of look shitty. Yeah. Or exposes just how shitty it is. Exposes how shitty it is. It holds a magnifying glass up to how little is there. So you want to get this, or you don't have to, you know,

it's, there's 50. What are you doing? I don't like to oversell. I would prefer you not get this. Coding! There's a lot of things to spend money on. You know, these are probably very cheap, but still, you could buy, I don't know what you could buy in Brooklyn,

but you could buy like four cups of coffee or this vinyl. So I don't know. No, it's gonna be cool. Yeah. And you should get it, guys. I shouldn't have said don't buy it. Yes. Yeah.

You should. People are gonna be upset, because people work hard on it and it's very high quality. I wouldn't buy it. But I don't know why anyone advertises on our podcast. I don't either. Because I'm a terrible at doing and advertising. I just like to have fun.

And a lot of the times I find out, yeah, they're still going to stick with you, even though you mock the product and said it will kill people. They're still sticking with us. But yeah, don't buy this. It's great. It's good, good vinyl. Get it.

Get the vinyl. Just stop. Don't get it on us. We're losing sales as we speak. Don't buy it. OK, stop. Buy it. Get it.

It's great. It's really good. It's got a lot of good stuff on it. I wouldn't get it if I were you. Get it. Get the vinyl. It's very good. It's excellent.

It's got a lot of fun surprises. I really am saying sincerely, buy it. It's a good end there. OK. I really am saying sincerely by it. Okay, good end there. Okay. This is terrible. I wouldn't do it. You do. I wouldn't do it.

Sorry, I'm just trying to see how far I can go. Please, okay, I'll stop. Okay, I'll stop. You're done. Make sure you get it. Okay, I have to get it. Holidays are coming up. You want holiday gifts.

But then think of all the other gifts you could get someone for the holiday. Just all the other vital. So many things you could get someone for the holidays. How do you even know they have a record player? I swear to God, someone backstage just like mentioned the holidays. I wouldn't give someone a final record as a gift. What are the chances they have a record player? There's like one in five, one in ten.

That's pushing. Oh, I know you guys are cool when you have them. No. No. Stop. Don't get it. LAUGHTER Get the record.

It's great. It's great. OK. We're going to move on. Yep. OK. I'll set. Better to go.

For our next segment. No, no. I'm all set. OK. For our next segment, we are going to move on. Yep. Okay. I'll set. Better to go. For our next segment. No, no, I'm all set. Okay. For our next segment, we are going to listen to some very special pre-selected voicemails. Oh.

These are voicemails. These are people with real questions. Okay. And these are coming to us over the phone line. Is that correct? Yeah. Live over the phones. Cool.

Yeah. Definitely over the phones being piped in from somewhere else, even though here they come down the center aisle. First up, Matilda Meyer. Hi, welcome. I'm Matilda. How are you? Good. How are you guys? My question for you guys, if you guys woke up and you were a chair one day, who would you let sit on you? This is my favorite question. Who would we let sit on us? I'm just wrong with you. I feel sexually harassed right now. If I was a chair, was that the question? If you were a chair, who would you want to sit? Okay, so you go first, Gourley, go. Oh no, no. Yeah. Let's have it. Oh, well, I mean, I just, there's two ways to approach this question. I, I, oh, God, I'm going to take the non-sexual way.

Okay. Um, share. Wait, what? I panicked. What did you say? I said share. Share. Because it rhymes with share.

Is that the only reason you chose it? Maybe. I'm having a real tough time. Okay. Okay. Cher, that's a good answer. She's an iconic... Hey, Armenian, superstar. Yeah, she is. Yeah. That's cool. That's a good answer. That would have been one of my answers. You can have it.

No, no. You have to come up with your own. I mean, mine's obviously slash, the love of my life. I mean, besides my husband. Oh, right. But, I play a husband. No, slash, she's my boyfriend. But you want him to sit on you. Yeah.

Oh. I do. What did you want slash to sit on you? No, I love his music, but that doesn't translate to, I want his ass on me, you know? Oh, yeah. It doesn't translate. Is that what you're talking, I don't want it.

I don't want it. Yeah. I think we'd have to be a historical figure for me. I would want to say, oh, God. Yes. Who? What? I would want it to be a historical figure.

And because I'm a chair, I want them to be very light. So there's not a lot of weight, a very small historical figure. Napoleon? Napoleon. It's not a lot of weight, a very small historical figure. Napoleon? Napoleon. When I could say Napoleon sat on me, that's a big deal. Did it hurt? No, he's like 5-1.

And this is after his retreat from Russia, and he's lost a lot of weight. And it's a very light Napoleon. Yeah. And his feet are dangling. His feet are dangling. He's kicking them And he's a carom feel He's dangling his feet and I'm a chair that's animated so I can laugh at him

You're pretty small there buddy. It's chill is laughing at me. I do not like it What's that your friendship friendship is good. I like it. Oh, this chair is laughing at me. I don't like it. That's right. That's our really good French accent. No one does better accents than Sonan Conan. I think we've answered your question. Thank you very nice to meet you, Matilda. Thank you.

Next up, Kevin Smith. How's it going guys? Hi. If you guys were to do a group Halloween costume, what would you do? What the hell is going on here? I like that one. I like both of you so far. If, no, they're very creative.

But we never had all the questions be, this is interesting. This is great. These are really interesting questions. Now, what's, if we were a group Halloween costume? Share slash and Napoleon. She even sent a bead. Oh! Now what's if we were a group Halloween costume? Share slash and Napoleon. Hahaha. Jiman centipede.

Hahaha. Oh no. Jiman centipede. Human centipede. Human centipede. Yes. Yes. Human centipede.

Yes. Yes. You are a celebrity though. You would dress up like another celebrity is that what you mean? I'm kind of a celebrity. I would be I'm at the front. I'm a Napoleon. No I want to be, I'm at the front, I'm Napoleon. No, I'm going to be at the front.

You, I call the front, no. I'm at the middle. I am Napoleon. I am leading this army of three. And then... Not me in the middle. I won't do the middle. Well, the middle is still better than the end.

No, the middle is the worst. If you both die, I'm just stuck. You're in the middle of that mask. Who actually watched Human Centipede here? Anybody? I've seen it. Wow, that's awful. That's one of the most awful things. Remember when we were on tour, it came out. And you went to the back of the tour bus and watched it. Yeah. With Megan and you guys watched Human Centipede and you came out and it's like you had seen the face of death.

Yes. You came out. Your minds were just wiped clean. And the internet was spotty so it would keep buffering and it took us four hours to watch it. Oh God. Yeah. Oh.

So what do you think of our answer? Fantastic. Okay. All right. Thank you very much, sir. It's nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you. Nice to meet you.

My name is Sondral Sengholm, a huge fan of you all. Conan, I've made a sculpture for your face in high school. But that's not my question. Wait, well, I'd like to ask a few questions about that before we get your question. That bears a follow-up. That'd be fun. Well, let's, and where are you from?

From Long Island. OK, you're from Long Island. And Lou, I just added one wook, because they were so few. You made a sculpture of me in high school. And everyone got to choose what they got to sculpt. And you, how did it go over with the teacher when you said, first of all, did the teacher know that it was Conan O'Brien or do you think that it was someone else?

So we had to bring like an example photo. So of course I brought you, everyone brought like, you know, Greek figures, you know, Taylor's sweat. I brought Conan and Brock. Yeah. Um, so now I don't know why you're laughing. Everyone brought great figures. It sounded like she said everyone else.

Yeah, that's what she said. It's not great for everybody. I didn't detect that at all. I detected, she said, like everyone else, I brought a great figure. Exactly. Was the teacher okay with it being me? Be honest.

It was a little weird and out, but he liked it. Okay, all right. And what was the medium that you used? What was it made of? Cardboard. Wait, sorry. Okay, all right, and what was the medium that you use? What was it made of? cardboard Wait, I'm sorry. How do you make a sculpture out of cardboard? That's not a sculpture. Did you draw something on a box? And then you panicked when you got to the microphone and said sculpture?

No, no, it was 3D. It stood on its own. It was beautiful a little creepy, but beautiful Why was it creepy? Because I made it was beautiful. A little creepy, but beautiful. That's so cute. Why was it creepy? Because I made it, not because of you, of course. Okay, no, I would love to see it. You still have it? I think I have a photo of it. I will send it to you.

But the original must have meant so much to you. I don't know why you would have gotten rid of it. It's in storage, it has an insurance policy. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. That was so good and so fast. Thank you. It's like the Rose so good and so fast. Thank you.

It's like the Rose Buds sled in Citizen Kane. OK. Well, that's very nice. That's very cool. And let's hear your question. Sure. My question was, when you get to New York, what's your first stop for food?

Oh, that's a really good question. I have to say say my super guilty pleasure is the Chinese food on the Upper West Side in New York like Shanli. They don't have that. They don't have anything like that in Los Angeles. And true story, I don't want to get in trouble, but this is a true story. I was so happy about Shan Lee that I took all my writers when we did a week of shows at the Apollo Theater

a couple of years ago. I took them all to Chun Lee for a big dinner and we all had a big dinner and we closed the place down. We were the last people to leave and we all left. And it was a really great night. And in the morning, one of the top stories in the York Post was Chun Lee rated for health violations. Oh, really?

I'm serious like the raid happened after we left. Now, I have gone there since. Because apparently it was a problem that was fixed and blah, blah, blah. But it was the next day in the paper that we, I think we left it like 1115 and it said like it 1115 in the morning, just after this red, this tall red-haired woman left. They raided shunly. But I have to say, it's that, I have to say it's my guilty pleasure is that really that Chinese

food that would be unrecognizable in China. You know, like they would say, that's not Chinese food. What have you done to this? But it's absolutely amazing. And you go there and it's just an absolute, everything is really goopy and sugary. I just absolutely, I'm not selling it well. I'm selling it, selling it about it is, don't go there is what I'm saying.

After you don't buy the vinyl, don't go to Shun Lee. No, I'm going to make sure I'm legally safe here. They took care of that. They took care of whatever that problem was, and I've been to Shun Lee since, and it's a great place. Also, I think vinyl's coming back.

There you go. How was that? Did that go okay? That was perfect. Why does your microphone keep going, what's, your microphone is getting depressed. Okay, thank you very much. It was very nice to meet you.

Thank you, Sanjula. Thank you. Shun, are you Shun? That's me.. Applause. Sean, are you Sean? That's me. What is your name, sir? Sean. Sean. So my question is something that my wife and I

have been feuding over the last couple months. We're wondering if it's OK to name a child after your pet. Name a child after, wait, who's pet? Our pet. What's the pet's name? Zelda. Well, wait a minute. Zelda's name? Zelda. Well, wait a minute. Zelda's a nice name. Yes.

Is the pet still alive? Yes, she's four. The pet is a dog or a cat? Oh, she's a dog. You have a dog that's alive. Yes. And that's young for a dog four. Yes.

What breed is the dog? She's a black lab. Black lab, okay. You have a black lab. It's gonna live for a long time named Zelda. You wanna name your child? We're not happy. We don't have any children.

Yeah. So this is a hypothetical. I think... Do you realize how precious this time is? You know, we were just wondering, you know, maybe your answer could help sway us. Because you're thinking of naming a child Zelda. Well, it's a feud, so I would love to.

She doesn't. Yeah. But you don't know if there's going to be a child any time in the future. I think your answer may help, you know. Determine. A lot of people. That's more pressure than people coming from England to see this show. I'm going to say no. And I think the crowds

with me on this. Because if you have a child anytime in the near future and that's dog and the child coexist and you're constantly saying bad Zelda, bad Zelda. You're child, your daughter grows up. I don't know. Traumatized. I disagree. Wait, you disagree? You disagree? Yeah, I disagree.

My kid's name is Charlie, and my dad had a dog name Charlie growing up. Well, that's different. That's different. First of all, his entire future hinges on this answer, and you're saying, don't have children. No! I didn't say don't have children.

All I said was have children, but don't name the child Zelda if it coexist with the dog. The dog named Zelda, and the child named Zelda cannot coexist at the same time. It's just wrong. No, but the dog is gonna die. Ah, where are you getting these mics? How many mics are there here in Brooklyn? This is insanity

Can you not change the dog's name? You can't change a four-year- the dog's name? You can't change it for your old dog's name, I've tried. But the daughter could be junior. What? Yes. The daughter's going to be junior? Go sit down.

Yeah, you're just a monster. No offense. And you come back when you're ready to apologize. This is time none of us will ever have back. I'm gonna watch you! This point is really deeply... Yeah, he left the theater. I just picture him walking all the way home. This wife was like, what happened? Oh, I was thrown out of the theater.

Oh, my God, that was fantastic. Hello, what's your name? Hello. My name is Brenna. I hope the stakes of my question are going to be far lower than whatever just happened. I think it would just be refreshing. Yeah.

To not be speaking to a sociopath. Well, no problem. What's your question is, is it okay to name your child after your other child? I think that's okay actually. No, I wanted to know for each of you, who was your childhood crush? Oh. Oh. I didn't think that was an aw, question.

Real person. No, that's a real question. You mean a real person or celebrity? I didn't mean real person. I mean, like celebrity. Yeah, I think it's got to be celebrity because. I mean, I could have answered that question, because if I say, you know, oh, it was, you got to be celebrity because I mean I could have answered that question because if I say you know

Oh, it was you know Laura Capral everyone goes like well that was a waste of time Who though cares about Laura Capral Laura's family, I love Laura Capral I Throwed a name of a girl I fancied back in the day, but I'm just telling you that That wouldn't be I would assume that would not be the satisfying. Yeah, satisfying to people. Did, first of all, why don't you tell us, did you have a celebrity crush growing up?

Well, it's not a celebrity, but I realized that my childhood crush actually has some physical similarities to you, Conan. Um, it was a... Wait a minute, this could the... Wait a minute. This could go, wait a minute. Let me tell you from experience, this can go very badly. You had a crush on Slender Man?

Yeah. Close. Uh, it was... There was a balloon outside of a car dealership. There he goes. Gumby. And I wanted to marry him. Uh, Jack Skellington from Nightmare Reparkers.

She's not even real. I am Jack Skellington. I'm also her mediaealth from the Senate. Yeah, yeah. There's a couple of people that I've been through history. Okay, that's a good answer. Gourley? Well, when I was a kid, I had a crush on

Pippi Longstocking. This has come up before. Yeah, I've never talked about this before. I've talked about this before. I split my time between Blondie and Pippi. Blondie, the singer. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

Yeah. I, Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. Wow, right. you guys get it. He was like, he was like my first, what, huh? Oh, door, you're from there, nearer there. Why are you pronouncing it wrong if you're from there? It's Dorchester. Dorchester.

Well, I loved him, and then, but again, Slash, who I mentioned earlier, was like my sexual awakening. So, they were both very pivotal in the person that I think I'd paint. Right. Mine was Jordan Knight. Oh, I was 50 at the time. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh. Yeah, I have a weird one, which is, uh, I really kind of had a crush on Sally Field.

Oh, that's not weird. Nope, here's the weird thing. It's when she was playing a nun. Oh, God. Oh, God. And I was raised very Catholic. Oh. And she, there was a show a million years ago, maybe you've called the Flying Nun. And she was adorable.

And I was like, I have a crush on her. And she was a nun. That's so loaded. That's so loaded. That's so loaded. And then I remembered thinking, oh no, I mean, okay. What does that mean that that's who I, I mean, I know you don't choose these things,

but then fortunately, Jordan Knight came along. And I was able to move on. Can it be someone in animation? Oh, in animation. Oh, I don't know. Wally. Wally's cute. He is so cute.

Did you ever have a crush on an animated figure? You know, my friends and I for a hot second were into the X-Men guys, but the cartoon versions. So we were really into Gambit. Wait, so from like just drawings. Just drawings. Yeah, that makes sense to me. It does?

It's gonna does, yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can't think of any others, but there have been a few cartoons where I'm like, yeah, you can get it Well, thank you for your question. I hope we answered it and Good luck with your next sculpture Okay, well, that's all the time we have.

Well, can I say something? I'm sorry. I said cartoons. I'm not comic books. Well, that's saved it. Yeah. You guys have been a fantastic crowd. Thank you very much for being here tonight.

You've been really nice. I think it's time that we let people go home. Sodomopsession, Gourley, happy five. And we always like to end things on this sweet note. So we'll do that right now. You can feel free to file out if you don't want to hear me sing. There's a lot of people down, those like this. Follow me here the other backseat. Bring the bell, brand new shoes.

Walk the blues and climb the fence. Hooks and pants. I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Sing it if you know it Walk with me Susie Lee Swoosh the park by the tree We will rest on the ground Look at all the buzz we found

Safe to walk to school that sound and I said safely walked to school that sound here we are, no one else we walk to school by ourselves, there's dirt on our uniforms from playing with the answer words weekly not now it's time to learn. We clean up now, it's time to learn. Here we go.

We don't notice any time passed. We don't notice anything. It sits side by side and every class Teach the things that I sound funny But she loves the way you sing tonight I sing When I'm in bed, see we thought spoons through my head About the bugs and alphabet When I wake tomorrow I bet that you and I

And we'll walk together again I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Cone and O'Brien needs a friend, with Cone and O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

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