Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Ray Romano

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

Actor and comedian Ray Romano feels good about being Conan O’Brien’s friend (with an exception).Ray and Conan sit down to chat about last-minute gifts for Adam Levine, being a good Samaritan, Ray���s first time doing stand-up, legendary horrible gigs, and the joy of winning over a room full of strangers. Plus, Conan responds to a voicemail from a listener regarding his advertisers.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Mizzen+Main (www.comfortable.af code: CONAN), Robinhood (www.CONAN.Robinhood.com), HelloFresh (www.hellofresh.com/conan80 code: CONAN80), ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/CONAN), State Farm (1-800-STATE-FARM), and Instacart (www.instacart.com code: CONAN).

Hi, my name is Ray Romano and I feel good about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I'm making an exception though because at my age the only new friends I take are doctors. Hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the podcast where I try to deepen my friendships with some people and make friendships with people who I think probably don't like me very much. Either way, I think it's working. We're making a lot of friends, which is nice for me. I'm joined by Sona Mufsesian, my trusty assistant. Hi, Sona. Hi, Conan. And producer, extraordinaire, Matt Gorley. Hey, Matt. Hi. You all right? Yeah. Why do you? You just go, hi. Hi. No, no, just more like, oh, hello, Conan. Good to see you. Oh, hello, Conan. Good to see you. Robot.

We have a very exciting guest today, but I want to talk to you guys about something that thrills me to the core. And I'm being very sincere here. I've been on the air for 25 years now. And to celebrate that, Team Coco is rolling out an archive of my best comedy sketches, celebrity interviews, and stand-up comedy acts. And we've been talking about this for a while, and I've had fans say, well, when is that coming? Well, I'm here to answer the first part of that question. The first phase of that collection, the remote launches today, March 25th. You go to teamcoco.com slash Conan 25. And you can see over 350 remotes from all my years at late night, and my years on TBS. Some of these pieces are my favorite work I've ever done, like old-time

baseball remote, apple picking with Mr. T. That's a goodie. You like that one? I would have killed for this thing back in the day. Yeah, we've had a lot of people always say, how can I get this? How can I get that? Yes, there are some clips that have been floating around out there, but a lot of this stuff hasn't been seen in over 20 years. And the ones that have been seen on the internet are just VHS rips that are so bad you can barely make out my face. They're incomplete edits. Conan 25 clips have been digitally restored from the original master tapes. They look better than you've ever seen them before. Go to teamcoco.com slash Conan 25. You can go there today. There are 350 pristine remotes. That also includes Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Andy Richter remotes, plus

don't forget the very first Jordan remote. And all the Jordan remotes will be there. You too can watch them all in a row and wonder why hasn't Conan killed him yet? This is a real labor of love for myself and our team. We've been working on this for a while. As I said, there's a lot more coming. Celebrity interviews, sketches, stand up comedy acts from 25 years starting in 1993, teamcoco.com slash Conan 25. Check it out, teamcoco.com slash Conan 25. And now onto the show today. I am very excited that our guest is Mr. Ray Romano, one of my favorite comedians, hilarious gentleman and a kind soul. Ray, it's really good to have you here. Is that a real thing that you make? You make friends with doctors? I don't make friends with

them. But if a doctor wants to play golf, I might consider, if he has an MRI at his house, then I'm going to take him golfing. Do you really like free treatment from people you know? I don't need it free. I don't need it free. I just need doctors, that's all. You're not that old. You must be the same age about, I'm guessing. But where are you? How old are you? I'm 55. Yeah, I had a big birthday last year. The big 70. So freaky. It's so freaky. Well, you look fantastic. You look good. You look good. And I'm going to say, I'm going to guess something because I've really admired you for a long time. Did you know that you're very admired by comedians? Is that going to make you uncomfortable if I tell you that? Your reputation

is... I don't believe it. But I will say, as much as I look down upon myself and I'm insecure, I heard, I host a charity every year. And one of the comedians last year said something like that. While she was on stage, said, I had an offer to go to my agent's birthday party. And I said, you know, let's see, do that or work with Ray Ramon. And it is the first time I thought, am I earning that? Or, so for a second, I felt good. But then I thought, sometimes that just comes with age. Sometimes just with age, you get respect, even if you kind of don't deserve it. Not true. No? No. Give me an example. I can, that's all I can think of his examples. Plenty of people as they age, you know, or if they were not liked in life or not scrooge until they have the whole

turnaround with the ghosts, you know. Yes. If you're a villain, if you're a villain in life. Yes. No, no, no. I'm going to tell you that that's very you. You're tough on yourself, but you have a reputation as being someone who works hard. You craft your comedy. You really care about it being good and that you're a good person. You're a nice person. That's the, that's the word around town about you. I will give you a disclaimer for each one of those things. Okay. By the way, but I appreciate you saying that. And of course, part of me likes hearing that. I'm going to use my biggest word, dichotomy. You, you believe a little, but you also believe none of that. Right, right. Here's a story that happened just literally an hour ago. I was talking to you. You asked me about the podcast

and you were concerned and you wanted to know what's the theme. You said, because you said, it's Conan O'Brien needs a friend. So there's a theme. What do I need to, and I said, no, no, no, that's just to get it starting off point. We just talk about anything, but that's just starting off point. And how long is it? How long is it? And you had real concern. And what, Mr. Gorley, what number is, is this podcast? This will be 19. Number 19. Number 19. No one else has given a shit. Not one person. Everyone else is just like, oh, it's a podcast. They don't count and they put on the cans and they sit down and we go, you had real concern. That is unusual, especially for someone who's achieved what you've achieved. I'm just, I'm just pointing that out. But I don't

know if you, do you really believe that they don't care about it? The part of the podcast is to keep it loose and not, not care, but to have it be carefree. But I don't know. I think it comes from insecurity. It comes from not being, you know, feeling bad, not doing a good job. Yes. I don't want a name drop. I don't want a name drop now. But I did tell you I was at Adam Levine's birthday party. So I was thinking of what can I give him as a gift, not that he needs a gift. So I thought of an idea. I go, I told my wife, I go, you know what I'll do? I'll, I'll write a note saying, Hey, happy birthday, Adam. Don't you hate people who wait till the last second to get a gift? Anyway, happy birthday, Ray and Anna. And I was, I was staying at the

Hilton. Give him the robe. So I thought of that idea. And I said, that's it. That's it. But then I thought the note, that's not the way to say it. And I'm not kidding. I, there was nine drafts. Yes. Of course there were. Of course there were. But I don't, you might be like that. I am like that. I can relate to that. You want to get it right. You want to get the comedy right. The the music, the rhythm, you know, the whole thing. I want to get it right. And the funny thing is that there are things that really matter. And then there are things where you're just goofing around. And it's a quick joke. And it shouldn't matter. What I can relate to is I don't have a good, I can't switch off when I care and when I don't care. Meaning, oh, well, now I'm hosting

a big event. So I really have to care. But this is just a joke. I'm leaving for someone at a, at a birthday party. So I don't have to care. I'm that way about giving a little wedding toast versus doing a performance that maybe 10 million people might see. I sweat the wedding toast just as much. I don't have any, there's no oscillation. There's no variance between the big thing and the small thing. When someone's, when someone wins at an auction, you leaving their outgoing message on their answering machine, you know, I offered to do that for somebody. I'll record, Hey, it's Ray Romano. You've reached Susie Murphy, you know, mother, I, it takes me 15 tries till I say, no, that's not good. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. And it's because I don't

want to let that person down. And I also, it's a reflection of me. It's, I did a, I was in New York City a couple months ago and a friend of mine had a charity. So I went to perform it and I forget the name of the club, the name of the place it was at. It wasn't at a comedy club. So you know, those, those restaurant things that have comedy, they're hit or miss, but yeah, I'm Ray Romano. So I get, I get a little leeway up front, but it didn't go that well. And I thought, you know, I think I got this. I think I know how to ease into mine too. It didn't go that well. I left, but everybody was happy, blah, blah, blah. And I was going to go home. I had an apartment downtown. I'm going to go to the apartment and I was driving and I couldn't go home. I had to go to

the cellar and drop in and do a set. To get it back. Yes. At your stage. Yes. How long ago? This was six months ago. Oh my God. You know what? Okay. That's, um, that's bad. By the way, the cellar is so, such a sure shot, but that's a risk because let's say that one didn't go well, then it's too late. There is no other club open. Well, then you can never see your family again. Then you just travel the world until that is, uh, yeah. Well, it's the old saying, you're only as good as your last, whatever, right? I think a lot of people also don't understand context. Sometimes people say, just get that person who's funny to come in here and be funny. And it's going to be great. And sometimes for charity, things you show up, it's taking place in

a big museum and there's like dinosaurs. I mean, giant brontosaurus is assembled and the tables are all on the side of the room and the room's the wrong shape and you're not really getting the right introduction. And I'll start to say that to the person at the, who's running the charity at the museum of fine arts or something. You'll be like, you're the museum of natural history, you know, maybe, and, and, and they just go, Oh no, getting a comedian's like getting a plumber when there's a problem with the pipes. You get a plumber and when you want laughs, you just get the comedian. You'd want to say it doesn't work. It doesn't work. And if you put me in the wrong context, you get up there and no one's listening and they're eating and the sound isn't right. And,

things are echoing around and it feels awful because, you know, maybe you do okay, but, but especially if you're the big attraction for that night, you're the, we've got Conan, you know, and then it doesn't go that well. I did. That's a hypothetical by the way. Yes. Okay. That's a pure hypothetical because it's always gone very well. That's science fiction. Yeah. But um, my, you know, for school, my wife would offer me up to these fundraisers for our school. And I did one in the gym at the school we were at and I was like, well, why, you know, and it's in the gym. Thank God it really went well. They set it up as best they could and it went well. A couple of years later, again, my wife says, um, they're having a fundraiser. It's at the,

the Canyon club. Do you know, you guys know what that is? It's on Canaan Road off the 101. Anyway, it's, it's a rock club. First of all, I was just annoyed, not annoyed, but I'm like, why did you offer me? Why don't you ask and oh, it's whatever. And it's the parents. It's the parents of, but you, you said not annoyed. You were annoyed. You were annoyed. Well, first of all, it's the parents of the students, of the people I'm going to see all the time. I'm going to see them every day for the next 10 years. Right. Um, so that's horrible in itself for, for to do stand up in front of the second. It's at the Canyon club, which is for rock. So it has a bar on this side, a bar on that side. Okay. And then, which is fine for, for rock and roll. Okay. And they're

going to have all the chairs in the middle. So then I, then they want me to do 40 minutes. I'm like, I can't, I can't do 40 minutes there. Um, so I get Brad Garrett, who I did stuff for his school. I get him to return the favor. I go, Brad, can you come and do 15 minutes? He goes, yeah, I don't know if you've, do you know, how good do you know, Brad? I don't know him well, but I see him around and a good man, beautiful man, one of my best friends. We used to tour together and by the third show, I told him we have to switch it. I have to go on first because he's done Rickles. He's done Rickles, you know, without the warmth. Yeah. He's, no, no. He has, but he just breaks the wall. He goes crazy, whatever. So I said, I said to Brad,

I remember being backstage at this place. I go, Brad, do you think you could do material, just do 15 minutes material, whatever you want, Ray, whatever you want. He gets on stage, zero material right away. Where'd you get the boobs? Yeah. And it's killing with half of them and half of them are appalled, but half of the guys are cracking up and have, but it's just, all right. So I got on stage and now I got to do 25 minutes, whatever it is. If I'm being honest, on a scale of one to 10, it's a, almost a seven and a half, which is in front of people you're going to see for the next 10 years is like a three. Yes. Right? Yes. Yes. So I come off stage and it's just a weird feeling. And, you know, Andy Garcia is pretending he liked it, you know, whatever.

But he's a great actor. Yes. Yes. And I told my wife, it was so, and this is only, you know, I guess this is seven, eight years ago. So I've been doing stand up for 25 years. Yep. And this hurts so much because now I got to see them the next day and all that and whatever. And I just told, I told my wife, I go to the next time they're having a fundraiser. I want you to listen to me. I want you to please ask them how much money they expect to raise. Yes. Yes. I'm going to write them a check. Yes. Yes. Because I'm not doing it. No, I always want to give them the, can I just do that? Because I would rather lose all my money. It's worth it. It's worth it. And now you were, you were part of an esteemed group. We had Stephen

Colbert was, was on the podcast not long ago and you're in the same club, guys that somehow applied to write for me and didn't, and didn't end up getting the job. Was that him too? Stephen Colbert. Yeah. You're in very good company. We keep racking up these names of amazing people that tried to write for me. Do you remember it? Do you remember it? I don't remember. We had to sit down. We had a little thing. We had to sit down. And I don't know if, do we have a spot at the time? Do we have, you wanted to write a monologue joke specifically, didn't you? I think so. I don't think so. I think, I remember Louis CK was on staff and, and he's, he was my in and he said, he tried to speak to somebody and then he said,

write some, write, write about 10 bits, you know, whatever. And I guess they were monologue. Yeah, they probably were monologue jokes. I think you were up for a monologue job. Yeah. Yeah. And then we met and we talked and it was fine. And here we are. Now you realize I, I don't remember. I obviously, I just don't spend so many years. I don't blame you for not remembering it. I don't remember. And it's, but you have to admit you dodged a bullet. I mean, you, you, and, and I said the same thing to Stephen Colbert, like the worst thing that could have happened to you would be to get that gig. That would be the worst thing that could happen to you because, you know, you, I guess there's a couple of those. There's a couple of those things that had I gotten that,

then this doesn't happen. I have those. Yeah. I have ones where I desperately wanted to, desperately, the one job I wanted more than anything in the world was writing for David Letterman on the old, on the late night show. And I got really close and I thought, this is my destiny. Didn't get it. Thought, well, my life didn't work out. I think I was 26. And I thought, well, my life didn't work out. And then I got a job at Star and Out Live. And then because I got to know Lorne Michaels, that led to the whole late night thing. And here I am. But I was convinced that there's the road that goes towards good life. And there's the road off to the left that goes to bad life. And I'm on the bad life road now. And look what happened. Yeah, I have a couple of those.

I have, I got fired from news radio. I was in the original cast of news radio. And I saw Jimmy borrows yesterday in Cabo. I don't want a place drop. But I was in, I saw Jimmy borrows who directed news radio. And on day two of rehearsal. And again, I was just a stand up. And I went out to read. I hadn't had much acting experience experience at all. And I got this role. And my wife and I were going crazy. You know, I was living, we had three little kids and I'm out in LA filming the pilot. And it was going to be $8,000 an episode. And we were ending all up. And day two of rehearsal, the phone rings in my hotel at 6am. And I kind of knew right away. Because I wasn't feeling it. I kind of knew I'm gone. You know, and sure enough, it was my manager. And but Jimmy borrows, I saw him

two nights ago. And, and we brought it up because he was the director and he fired me. He was the one who told the network, this guy's not cutting it. And so we laughed about it. And he goes, I made your career. And I made Lisa Kudrow's career because I fired her from the pilot of Frasier. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, it's just going around. Yeah, it was four months late. I did Letterman. And then we signed the deal. And that's and then everybody loves Raymond is how many years on the year? Nine years, 210 episodes. But who's counting? Yeah. It's interesting because this is just me making my observation. I don't know you really well. But I think I know you. And I and I would say I would hazard to guess that that level of success would alter some people. I don't think

it's probably had any effect on you. My joke that I tell is, before all this, I thought my cab driver hated me. And now I think my limo driver hates me. I really think about that, though. I think, you know, I, yeah, I was in therapy before all this. I was, I had my issues before any of the success. It's kind of, I don't think it's gotten worse, but it hasn't gotten less. You know, I just, I'm doing what I love to do financially. I'm okay. I can, I can see a better shrink. But no, it has a shout out to your old shrink. Well, I, I, one shrink died on me and another retired on me. Right. Yeah. So you have trust issues now. Yeah. I don't know. That's the thing I'm, I try to explain

to people. What about yourself? You don't think, I think the same's for you? Yeah, I don't, I honestly, I've had very good friends of mine who I knew, well, 30 years ago. And of course, when I got the show, they had to go. No, I, my, my friends and my family have all said, nope, you're the exact same person. Right. Other people are going to think you've changed. People outside may think you've changed. People who didn't know me well. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. People who think or think you should have, you should be doing this or you should be doing that. Right. Yeah. We just did this, I toured with these other comics and I think it was

Ron Funches afterwards was saying, that's so strange that you're, you're nice to everybody. And this sounds like I'm, what is it? Humble, what is it called? Humble bragging? Humble bragging. And it, and it, and I'm realizing in this moment that it is, it sounds like I'm just saying this. I'm just trying to illustrate this point that he noticed that I was like, oh, you're, you're, you're nice to the waiter and you chat them up or you're nice to the, the person who just works at the airport. You're nice to this, you're nice to that person. And I thought that he was working towards a compliment. He was like, I was, it's interesting to see how nice for everybody. And then I realized, wow, Conan really is that insecure. I thought, oh man.

Okay. He said, he said, Conan. Yeah, he said, yeah, he said, you're, I realized that you were that insecure. And I think that was, I do like to think I'm trying to be nice to people, but I also think. But part of you think. Yes. Yeah, go ahead. It's insecurity and it's also karma, right? I think a little bit of that. Yeah. I get the same thing where, because I'm, in other words, I'll give you, I'll give you, this is an erotic story is like crazy. Erotic? I thought he said erotic. No, neurotic. And I'm just hearing an erotic tale with your voice. Yeah. Would be so hilarious. Oh boy. She's slowly removed her black. I don't do a Ray Romano, but just you doing an erotic. I do. I actually do my only, I just, I just worked with Dana

Carvey who does all the impressions. Yeah. And we do a Q and A after. And on stage, I said, I do one impression. It's a Jay Leno having phone sex. Hey, what are you wearing? That's all I got. Yeah. But here's an example of that story. When I, this is before, before the TV and the fame, living in Queens, I leave my house. It's 11 o'clock at night. It's five degrees out. And I see an old, I'm driving. I see an old woman by the bus stop. I keep driving past. And then I think five degrees, this woman's old. This, she's waiting for a bus at 11 o'clock at night. This is a possible dangerous thing for this woman. I go, let me go around the, I go, I got to go around the corner. Let me go around the corner. And I pull up and I roll the window

down. And I say, are you okay? And I, I, she startled a little, you know, who's this weird guy? I go, and she looks at me like, and she's a little scared. And I go, it's very cold out. Are you okay? She goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay. I go, okay. All right. That's what I make sure I pull away. And then I think I just startled an old woman in five degrees waiting for the bus. What's going on? Is she palpitating? Whatever. So now I got to go around. I'm not kidding. I just want to make sure she's okay now. Right. And I drive by and she sees me again drive by. So now she thinks I'm this freaking crazy guy

driving by. So I just had to kill her. No, but, but, but my point is, why was I doing that? Am I that much of a good Samaritan? Or is it like, because that's the right thing to do. And if you don't do the right thing, then something bad is going to happen to you. It's the old concept that there's no such thing as a selfless act, you know, that if you are going out of your way to help someone and be kind, you are getting back something from that. And that, yes, there is no such thing as complete selflessness. Is that some of that might be true, but I give myself credit and I bet you can give yourself credit for this also. You also, there is a little bit of you that likes, you don't have to, because this person maybe isn't even

aware of you, but you like making, I don't want to say little person, I don't want to, it sounds demeaning, but feel better about themselves, you know? I like, if I see the guy who's kind of looks lonely and just socially awkward, I like to, I like to let him know that, you know, I see you, man, I recognize you and you're there, you know? Yes, yeah. But I think that, in my case, I think some of that comes from, you know, parenting, religion, the way I came up, but also just that I was insecure as a kid and when someone was kind to me, it meant everything. I think if I had been very secure in my place in the world when I was a kid or I had been like the captain of the football team or I had just been like, he's the popular jock who's also the head of the class and dating

the prettiest girl, I don't know that I would have this empathy. Yeah. I think I have it because I wasn't maybe the happiest person in the world when I was 12 years old. What about you? Does that, were you that, I mean? Well, I've always said, if my father hugged me once, I'd be an accountant right now. I wouldn't have to do any of this. I wouldn't have to do any of this showbiz stuff. I don't know. I mean, I did have, I did have an insecurity early and I don't know if that came from the relationship with my father. My father was very under-monstrative, could only kind of show anger really. I'm not saying he was a horrible monster, but he could get mad at us and discipline us, but couldn't go the other side. And, you know, as a kid, that makes you feel, what am I doing

wrong? What's wrong with me? So I don't want to, you know, you don't want to blame everything on somebody, but I think that did kind of mold me a little bit as far as that goes, as far as that feeling, that feeling of insecurity. Yeah, he had a rough time, my father, and I cut him slack because his father left him when he was two, so he didn't have any role model or anything, but he, I think, you know, I always say, I think all performers have something they're missing from a pair. If it wasn't for negligent parents, there would be no show business. Yes. We'd all have to bowl. We'd all have to join a bowling league because there'd be nothing to turn on and nothing to see. Well, apologies to my dad, but he can't figure out how to work the podcast yet. So

is he, is your father, he's 90, he's still, you know, still goes to work every day, but he keeps saying, yes, yes, I want to see this podcast. And that explains it all. It's historical. But how is he, how's your relationship? Was he, was he of? No, no, he was good, my dad's a very good, sweet guy. He was, I think there was just, because there were six of us, and we were born like one a year. I think two of us were born within a three month period. And he worked all the time. So I think he was, sometimes he was like this character that we didn't quite know who'd come into the picture. And, and there was a, there was a lot of chaos, joy, joyous chaos. But I think there was, I was born with probably a certain amount of anxiety too.

I think it's just in the family. We're an anxious people, the Irish. I always thought the Italians were more laid back, but. Oh, really? You think so? I don't know. I thought you guys, yeah. Well, we're loud and, you know, we're loud as, doesn't mean you're nervous, you know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. I think we, I'm an exception, I guess. We, yeah, you're an erotic Italian man. We're going to take a quick break. Oh, we do that? Yeah, we do that so that we can sell mattresses. And we're back sitting here with Ray Romano, who's curious why Sona and Gourley aren't chirping in. Sona, why are you so quiet? I, I like listening to the two of you talk. I have nothing to contribute. I'm sorry. I mean, how do these podcasts,

how do they usually go? Is it usually a group discussion? This way. No. They usually go this way. Yeah. It's not, I have them here basically as a tax write-off. That's true. Yeah. Gourley is listed as a dependent. That's right. Hey, dad. No, it's funny because, you know, I was talking to, you know him well, one of my longest time writers and really good friend, Mike Sweeney, today. Yes. And he said that he saw you the first time you went up and did stand up the first time you got up. He was there and he said that you did well right away. You were just funny that you took to it like a duck to water and that that was everyone's take on you. Not that you didn't struggle, not that it wasn't hard, but just there are some comedians that go up and they have to

bomb for a long time before they crack it. No, I did though, right? I did. I just, no. No, I says right about the first night. The consensus seems to be that you did last bomb. Well, first of all, if he was there on night one, I know night one went well. Yeah. It was audition night at the improv in New York and I was 23 maybe and I started thinking, I have this, I got this and I think night two, it went well also and I really was overconfident and night three was a bomb, same material, same thing, just cold stone, cold bomb. So much so that it scared me away for a year. I quit for a year and then I went back again and then I quit for another year. Oh my God. And it wasn't until the third attempt that I stuck it out because

you know, the hardest is the beginning. It's like a boot camp that you have to get through because you're not good. You're not honed. Everything you're learning and you're learning in front of the worst audiences because you're the new guy. So you got to go up at 130 in front of five people left who are drunk. That's how you have to learn to become a better comic. You know, what's funny is, first of all, one thing was I remembered Leno saying you're not really as good as you're going to be till six years in. And I remember hearing that in my third year and thinking, well, that's bullshit. I'm good right now, you know, but he was right. The fourth year I would look back at tapes of the third year and I was better and so on.

And so that's the same, how you got better, you know, hosting the show is the same way a stand-up comedian gets better in front of the audience. There's gigs where you have to bomb. You know, there's classic legendary horrible gigs. Betty's, I mean, Mike can tell you, Betty's fireside was a one-nighter in Jersey. There used to be a strip club and it was, and you would do it because it was so horrible. Yeah. And like a masochistic way? Well, you would do it because it was of Wednesday night and they were going to pay you a hundred bucks a go. So you do it, but it was like earning your stripes. Yeah. But it was... What made that such a bad place because... Well, I mean, the setup was, it was a strip club, so it was a horseshoe-shaped bar. Yep. The patrons stood, there were no

chairs, stood, you were on the inside, the bartender was like at your feet, you know, facing that way and they would have a big screen TV, not with the volume on, but yeah. The volume was off, but they were... Right. And they became part of it knowing how bad this was going to be for the comedian. So it became like a thing, yeah. Now, could you have fun? Could you have... I was just about to tell you. Go ahead. Go ahead. I was just about to tell you, I think you're getting to this. Yes. This sounds strange, but some of the most, most fun I've had on stage are on horrible nights. Yeah. Bombing nights and not particularly that one because that one, no one's listening to you, but like in the comedy cellar, when it would be late and there'd be 12 people left and they're,

they're not giving you anything and yet it was so, I felt so comfortable and for every non-response they gave me, I had a response for that, you know. And, and even if they didn't laugh, I knew it was funny and I just felt comfortable. Now that comes from many times having to experience that, that type of situation. I wonder now, because now it's like you say, the audience just gives it to me now for 10 minutes and then you got to be funny, but I'm playing, I'm playing theaters, I'm playing games. I wonder now if I would be that comfortable in a situation like that where, where you've got a, you know, a duck and weave, you know. Well, it's funny because I was, I agree with you 100% that I will say it's not the most fun.

The most fun is when it's an audience where you're destroying and you feel it and you feel it and everything's liquid and just, I always feel in those situations, if there is some small amount of cancer in my body, it's gone now. Like this has, this has a curative effect. I've always thought that, you know, run me through an MRI after I've been in front of a crowd and I don't mean a crowd that's just wooing, but a crowd that's smart and they really are appreciating what I'm saying and it's, we're all one. That's fantastic. I'm always hungry. I'm always hungry after a good set. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to eat because it's the same, it's the hunter warrior. Yeah. You want to, you want to eat a mastodon afterwards. But what happens is after the,

I would say the next fun going down the list is when you're really getting nothing, sometimes it's freeing. That's how I feel. I feel like there have been audiences. I remember on the old late night show, once there was an audience, we had booked a band that had like this hardcore goth following and they all jammed the switchboard or something back in the day when there was a switchboard. They all figured out, all the fans figured out a way to come see that band that day and they filled the late night studio in Rockefeller center, just filled it, packed it, these goth fans that didn't give a shit about me. And this was the late night, this is a couple of years into late night with Conan O'Brien and I come out and the show is

now doing well and I come out and I felt it right away. They had, they're all wearing black and they're all there to see the band and they're just waiting for the band. And this is when I would do the warm up and they were like, when's the band on? You know, they had this, when's the band on asshole kind of feeling and I'm the host of the show. And I just started to, it was, they just stared at me in the monologue and then I just sort of started to enjoy it. And I can't remember, I wish I could remember the name of this band, but I just started to enjoy it and- Did you address it? Did you tell the viewing audience? I think I started to make a lot of comments. I didn't say they're here to see the band and

they hate me because I don't, I think that's only, almost feels rude to me to do that, but I sort of started communicating to anyone in the world who could notice this silence. I wasn't talking to them anymore. I was talking to, and in those situations I'll talk to, if I have a friend or if I have anybody in my world, my wife's there, anyone's there or one of my writers is there in a situation where I said I'd do something and it's not going great, I almost start talking to them, not directly, but I get a smile on my face and it's my way of saying, this is a new, this is a level of hell that Dante never even knew existed. And it's fascinating. I didn't know this room existed in this house and there's all these

dead bodies in here and there's blood on the wall. I mean, just this, and I get kind of mischievous about it and have fun and you get giggly because it's so bad. And you're, but also you're giggly because you're in this zone, right? You're in this different zone all of a sudden, but that's what, I almost want to do that just to see if I still have that ability to bomb gracefully. How do I make that happen? I can help you. But I still worry that that's going to happen when, when there's a corporate gig or something and I haven't done a corporate gig in a while, but also they pay pretty good. So you're also,

if it doesn't go well, you're getting a lot of money to be disappointing. Yeah. Yeah. I remember once, it's all relative. When I was still just coming up, some guy saw me in the club and he's Italian guy, he's having a big Italian wedding. You're going to come and you're going to perform. I'm like, all right. And he was giving me a thousand dollars, which was tremendous at that time for me. And I was in Long Island. It was some catering hall, whatever. And he stood me up there on no, no stage, just the dance floor. It was in between the cannolis and the whatever. And I did it and it was nothing, nothing. And he's there kind of looking at everybody else. And it was such a bad feeling. I did my time,

whatever. And he came back, you know, the people who, the people who should get it, they got it. And he just peels off 10 to 100. Don't worry about one, two, three. I have my hand out like this. And I just knew, I knew this was going to be a gig where it's not going to be set up right. And I just thought, I don't want to do those anymore. I don't want to do those. No, because there's no, yes, if you're, if you needed to put food on the table for your family, then yes, then you'll go and you'll do it. But my line about comedy is when it, when it goes really well, I'd happily do it for free. And when it doesn't go well, I would rather dig a ditch with my bare hands. And, and, and that's this weird talk about back to

dichotomy. That is a weird thing where when it's going really well, I don't care that much about the money. It's not work. And when comedy is not going well, you feel like something ate at your intestines and, and open to wound that's going to fester. It's just some, sometimes people like, like you did it in the beginning of how hard I work and all. And when I get credit for, because I would go in the city every night, six nights a week, at least I would drive from Queens into the city and do sets five months, Fridays, seven on Saturday. I had that reputation of being such a dedicated hard worker. And I felt guilty getting that reputation because it was, it was fun. Yeah. It was, yeah, sometimes it got a little grindy jumping back and forth. But I was

doing what was great. It felt great. Yeah. What you're here to do. Yeah. But you know what I miss? This is going to, I don't want to sound selfish or whatever, but I miss when you could go on, that one of the greatest feelings in standup in the beginning is going on in front of an audience that has never heard of you, never seen you. They've paid their cover. You're the next guy. And, and it's like that attitude of, okay, who's make me laugh, this new guy. And maybe it's a little hard in the beginning and you win them over and you win them over and you have a great set in front of a room full of strangers. Now I'm not complaining. That's not going to happen in this country at least. Cause it's like you said, everyone's giving me the benefit of the

doubt now. But that was one of the joys of standup for me in the, in the beginning was just winning over this new room of strangers. And that will never happen. It's still fun. Still standup is still great and doing new material is still great. But that element is, I'm going to say three words to you. Radical facial surgery. Hold on. I'll tell you what, as I get older. Here he is, Jay Dobano. If I come out, you've got a weird, a lot of scarring, a lot of dermabrasion, a different nose. No, like who is the guy that Andy Kaufman did? Tony Clifton. Yeah, Tony Clifton. Yeah. You come out and what if it ended up looking like Jay Leto and people just thought you were Jay Leto? Yeah, when he went, but if I, you know what, I'm sure I could get a room full of 18 year olds who have

never heard of me, but I can't make 18 year olds laugh now. Also, when you go around at your age saying get me a room at 18 year olds, it sounds bad. It just sounds bad. Well, this was great. Was it? Yeah. No, see, you'll see. Look, look at you. Fix it in post. Look at you. You're, but it's, that's the voice I bet, right? This is, this is a lovely conversation with a really funny good man. Following Michelle. Is it Michelle Obama? Did we follow? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. This is the next, this is the one after Michelle Obama. Yeah. And she killed. She had great. I was going to say who's, who's listening to Michelle and saying, now I want to listen to Ray Rowe. Who's getting enjoyment hearing a full podcast with Michelle

and is going to get the same enjoyment listening to me? Who's doing that? There's four people. We've run the numbers and they're, they're very loyal followers. One of them is Barack Obama. Yeah. Well, what was funny was, uh, Phil Rosenthal, who met Michelle and Barack when he was running the first time and he said, I, I created, everybody was Raymond. And she said, she, she pointed to him and went, he's Raymond. He's Raymond. Yeah. Think there you go. I know. How cool is that? Yeah. Thank you so much for doing this. You're really, uh, this was, this was lovely. It's fun. Sorry you guys didn't get in as much. No, we're just here. No, it's, they're really just here. I'm telling you, it's, he said more than you. He said, let me move the

mic. Yeah. You know, if we get on too much, he beats us when the guest leaves. It's not a physical beating. It's verbal abuse is what I'm good at. Oh, thank you, man. This is fun. All right. Ray Romano, ladies and gentlemen, fix it in post, fix it in post. Hey, let's get to some voicemails. Huh? Talk to the people. Oh my God. What character did you just become? Okay, Corky. Oh God. It's the late fifties and we're doing a daytime show here. Let's get to it. President Eisenhower's on the phone. I have Eisenhower's phone. What? What do you mean you have Eisenhower's phone? I own Eisenhower's phone. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't. I have the documentation, asshole. Oh, Jesus. When you get spicy, I get intrigued. I do. Wait a minute. You have Dwight D. Eisenhower.

I do. The man who gave the OK for the D-Day invasion. That's right. The man who served two terms, 1950 theater, 56, 56, 1916. Yeah, commander of the European theater. That's right. My God. I know. How do you have his phone? You and I have more in common than you know, but you never inquire about me. Uh-oh. You can't see this right now, but the smallest tear is forming in the corner of his left eye. And you know what? It's a kind of a hipster tear. Oh God, this again. Yeah. No, this again. I'm sorry. It's a little tiny tear and it's wearing a little fedora. You have a skinny tie with a tie bar on. No one can see that and I deny it. Okay. The tear has a fedora. It is. The tear has a fedora and his tear likes craft beers.

Yeah. His tear is holding a little tiny craft beer. Yeah. It's listening to Father John Misty. Exactly. Okay, so wait a minute. How do you have Eisenhower's phone? I bid on it and I bid on it because I thought, I will never win this and I want it. That is so cool. Will you bring it in? Can I see it? Do you use it as a real phone? It probably doesn't work well. The cord is frayed at the end so it doesn't have a flex. But I don't have a landline. Oh, right. Yeah. Go ahead. You're making a judge. Yeah. What are you going to say? Yeah, whatever. I think you just did it yourself. I'm not some hipster. I don't have a landline. Was this his phone at home? It was from his summer White House in Newport,

Rhode Island. But while he was president, that's so cool. Yeah. Is it a rotary dial phone? It doesn't even have a dial. It's a hotline. It's a green like bell plastic, you know, one of those. That's really fascinating. I love stuff like that. I do. A crazy fanatic for presidential memorabilia. Andy Richter gave me a really old phone that I have on my desk. The only problem is that when I go to talk on it, it doesn't sound great. It actually sounds like you're talking in a different era. Oh. So the electronics aren't as good as the electronics today. So when I talk on that phone, I tend to say things like, you there. Yeah. There's been a fire over at McCready's Bond. Yeah. Send the fellas over. What's that?

Damn it, Wrigley. Five to five. Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it then. Just take the, you know, I don't know. You get in that mode, but I love it. It's like one of those great old Bakelite phones. Yeah. Appreciate it. Well, I thought you might. Bring it in. I want to see that Eisenhower phone. Okay. Yeah. Bring it in. I'm sorry. Oh my God. We're going to get, we are shit magnets over here. He was really trying to care. I'm sorry. No, you don't have to care. I think it's neat. David Koresh's guitar. Oh my God. That's, that's, that's, that's dark. That's dark. Oh my God. That one I did not do on purpose. That you said to me, like, oh, I'll get you back. That wasn't a charming thing. All right. Let's do a voicemail. Well, number 19,

if you will. Hi, Conan. This is Matt from Ohio. I love the podcast. Good name. In the first episode, you asked the listeners to fill out a survey to learn more about your audience. And then for the next five episodes, I heard ads for erectile dysfunction and back hair removal systems or blades. My question is, is this what your audience is really like? Thanks. Well, Matt, that is a fair question. I don't think we're doing those ads in response to anything. Those are ads we probably signed up for because we're relatively new podcasts. And so I think the assumption by somebody who heard that Conan O'Brien was going to have a podcast and signed us up early for ads probably said, well, those people probably don't have working penises.

And probably have a lot of hair on their low back because I'm just guessing that's the kind of person who watches Conan. I don't think it actually reflects who is listening to the podcast. No negative thoughts towards those ads because I think those are very good products. I've used both of them. I'm just making noises now. He's staring at me again. He stares at me. Anyway, Matt, I honestly don't know. And this is where I maybe could use a little guidance here. I don't know how these ads are chosen. I'm new to all this. This is a brand new podcast. And I know when we first launched it, Mr. Gorley, maybe you could tell us how these ads were chosen or were this just the ads we got? Yeah, I'm more on the creative side. I'm not a numbers guy.

But my understanding is that salespeople sell these ads to companies and they sell a certain amount of slots. And we're trying to even sell bigger slots so there are less ads, if that makes sense. But right now, a lot of companies are buying smaller ad buys. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. Can I just say that our podcast overperformed what people expected? That's right. I would say wildly overperformed. I don't toot my own horn often, but podcast has done quite well. Hello. But we're still doing a lot of these smaller ad reads, which we'll probably not go on forever. That's right. Now, to get to your point, Matt, I am always going to do erectile dysfunction ads. Even if I don't get paid for them, I'm going to do erectile dysfunction

ads. These are things I happen to be fascinated with. What? Noise. Just making noises. And then back hair removal. That was very gold blooming. Yeah. Well, he's a big influence on me. Listen to that podcast. Back hair removal, that's, it's a great system because my way of getting, I get just a tuft on the low back where the back doesn't yet quite meet the buttock, the low back area. That was you asked, Matt. You asked. So I'm going to get into it. So my old way of dealing with it was to use a regular razor and set it on a counter and with the rotating blade pointed out. And then I would put on the bathing suit and I would pull it low and then I would back up into it. And shave this tuft of, and I'll be honest with you, I have an orange, it's like an orange arantang

coppery colored body hair. And I will back up into it and then undulate my low back until I felt the thip, thip. That's T-H-I-P, thip, thip of little chunks of orange coppery hair getting the tiles of my bathroom floor. That was what I was doing until that incredible back hair removal system. Let's get that tattoo on my hand. What? What's that? Okay, let's everyone take it easy. Let's just back away from the microphones. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is

Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.