Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Reggie Watts

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Comedian and musician Reggie Watts feels quixotic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Reggie sits down with Conan to discuss his new book Great Falls, MT: Fast Times, Post-Punk Weirdos, and a Tale of Coming Home Again, mashing up music and comedy in his thirties, and childhood heroes Pippi Longstocking and Ferris Bueller. Plus, new numbers debut in the team’s race for Most Popular Sandwich. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Reggie Watts. And I feel quixotic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Very nice. I love that. No one's used that word yet. I don't think it's been used on the podcast. On the earth in at least 20 years. Yes, sure. I can't read it when you're not. And even when you're not, it's Betty Crocker's Reddita Mix frosting. Hey there.

Welcome to Conan and Brian Needs a Friend. I came in hot. I think there are days where I come in hot and today I am a nuclear fueled Conan. Had a good workout this morning. Oh. Yep, lifted a lot of, well thank you very much.

You don't just get a body like mine. You need to really abuse yourself. Sohnah good to see you. Nice to see you too. You did come in hot because you were laughing and you're like, no one can laugh without me. When I hear laughter in a room, I'm not in. I suspect fraud.

You know, it's like a company that couldn't possibly make that. It just doesn't seem right. I'm always like, what laughter and I'm not there? This must be some, someone someone something just is fundamentally wrong. So I came rushing in here Yeah, and then I guess Gurley was chuckling everybody. I was just telling them something that you would said earlier That was so funny There we go. Yeah, all right. Well that makes sense. I'm satisfied. My name is Joy Killer. Uh, what laughter?

I must go crush it. Make it about me. Yeah. I just noticed, so does wedding ring. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just about to hit on you. No. No, I was gonna say your hand was out

and it was tilted and it's very nice. What a rock. My fingers got skenier. So I have this plastic coil around it and I've had it there for a few. Can you just go to a jeweler and they can quickly resize it? Well, because I think it's going to go back up. I'm sure. I think. So I'm just leaving it there. So it's going to just get bigger. Eventually the whole ring's just gonna be a plastic coil, I think. Yeah. Why don't you just lose that. I'll hold on to the actual diamond

and you can just wear a plastic coil. No. I know. You'll get it back at one point. I don't wanna do that. Well anyway, I just noticed it and it's nice. Thank you. I don't think I ever looked at it really before.

Thank you. I actually don't even think I look at you very often. Oh, that's nice. No, no't even think I look at you very often. Oh, that's nice. No, no, I just, I'm just very so focused on me and what I'm doing. Yeah, well, that's clear. Yeah. And so I'd, oh, gory.

That's me. This is what I look like. Oh, my God. You usually have a mirror in front of both of us. Uh-huh. So you never have to actually look at it. I make every employee at Team Coco wear an oval mirror on their face. It's a two way mirror.

So they can see through it, but you just see yourself. No, I actually am insisting on a one way mirror, so they crash into things and get into terrible car accidents. Yeah, it's a mess around here. It's broken glass. People are just smashing into the wall all the time, but I'm happy because I just see me, me, me.

I'm an opera singer warming up me, me, me, me, me. You did come in hot. You're singing a lot too. Yeah, I sure Mimi Mimi. You did come in hot. You're singing a lot too. Yeah, I sure am. But you did come in hot. That usually implies like come and hot, you're grumpy, you're mad, you got something. No, you came in kind of just,

you're just living your buzzing. You know what, I'm happy. Life is good. I'm happy to be here at the podcast. I'm with some of my favorite people. Hold on, let me put on my glasses. Oh shit, I didn't see who was in the room. I'm sorry.

No, I thought I was with Jeff Goldblum and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. And then it turns out it's Gourli and so I apologize. I always Jeff Goldblum was here. And the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. It'd be like, I'm just, was it the theater? What the fuck? And I'm like, Gabe, you really,

I get his very good dress and you just said what the fuck? I know. I've told you that sketch I always wanted to write where, oh yeah, I think I mentioned on the air loss. Yeah. Lincoln is in heaven and he's walking around and he sees a group having a really good time and he goes up to the group because they're all laughing real hard and John Wilkes Booth is at the center.

And everyone's, he, and Lincoln's like, what the fuck is he doing up here in heaven? And they're like, you know what, he was really good to his mom and did it at that night with you. He was, you see what I was having an off night? I was like, you know what I was having an off night? And Lincoln's really mad and they're like, come on Abe and then Booth was like, you know what?

I, Mr. Lincoln, I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, but I am a big fan. And he goes to shake Lincoln's hands and Lincoln swatts it out of the way. Like I'm not gonna shake your hand and then everyone else Aristotle, Gandhi, everybody else was like, whoa, Abe, not cool. I had this idea like 25 years ago and I never wrote it.

I made this happen because you've mentioned it a few times. I know for your birthday. What? Yeah, how does it end? Yeah, does it have a button? They get into a fight and booth shoot to Lincoln again. Oh no! Yeah, yeah. And then he goes to second heaven? Yeah. How does it add? Yeah, does it have a button? They get into a fight and booth shoot to Lincoln again. Oh, no. Yeah. And then he goes to second heaven. Yeah. But everyone says, like, you know, Abe, you were kind of being a dick and Abe's, so Abe gets sent on to hell.

I don't know. I don't know how it ends, but this has just been spitballed. You've never written it. I've talked, I've talked to him. I've talked to him. I've talked to him. I have so many sketches in my head that I never wrote because they just seemed too weird and arbitrary, but that one always amused me. I wanna know what something is too weird for you, because have you seen some of the shit you put on TV? I'm, what a nice way to play it. You know, I'm gonna make sure if I ever, if I ever get a major award for my

work in comedy, I'm gonna have Sony give it to me and show to the speech up front. Here, the gift the award to Conan O'Brien after 90 years in comedy is Sonoma Sesson. You know, I don't know much about Conan, but have you seen some of this shit he did? I meant that in a loving way. I'm sure you did. In an admiring way. I just, I'm sorry. I don't like your wedding ring anymore. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. That'll show you. Oh, no.

Yeah, I think it's poorly fitted to your finger. There. That'll show you. Ah! All right, gang. Let's all settle down. Okay. I like when I make it sound like we've got to get down to business and then it's talking to a funny person. Thank you. And being idiots. We've got to get down to business and then it's talking to a funny person.

And being idiots. It's not like we're about to start an algebra class. But anyway, my guest today, of course, a talented musician, comedian, and now author with his new memoir entitled Great Falls Montana, Fast Times Post-Punk Weirdos, and a tale of coming home again. Very excited he's here today. My friend Reggie Watts, welcome. Reggie, you and I got some history and that's why I'm so thrilled that you're here today. Real history. Yes. You have written a book and you have a fantastic story to tell and you're

very talented and also very strange fellow. Let's just be honest. I mean, the glasses alone hold up those glasses or viewers can see and our listeners. Those are, are they hexagons? What are those? They're hexi, they're hexi babies. Yeah. The future is hexi. How many, now I'm going to take because I don't, I don't know if Matt Gourley Sonor knows this. I don't know if Matt knows that Sona was on the tour. We did this to a cookie tour, which was really fun and out there in 2010, and it was a real happening, and we needed someone to open for me on this tour.

They went all around the United States of America, and we of course we found Mr. Reggie Watts. And Reggie was a great opener for the show. And you did an amazing job. And one of the things you did so brilliantly is people were coming to the show. We put it together so quickly that nobody knew what it was. And I wanted them to know right away,

this isn't the show you thought you were going to get. In fact, this is unlike any show you've ever seen. So you can't just have a standard. I just can't have a comedian come out and go, Hey, everybody, how's it going? How you doing? Hey, what's with the sweater? Who died and gave you the sweater?

Because they were dead and didn't need the sweater. Oh, that guy's terrible. He's dead. So he doesn't need the sweater. But the sweater is what fucking hell Anyway, I love that comment. That's for this. It's a great bit. He is good in context He's very good in context and you should really see the sweater he would go after every night and it was the same sweater Um, it was a plant Hack

Anyway, we couldn't get that guy. I wanted that guy so badly His name's hack be hack and Stein We couldn't get that guy. I wanted that guy so badly. His name's Hacby Hacke and Stein. We couldn't get him. No, but someone had heard of, have you seen Reggie Watts? And you were not a known quantity at the time, but we saw you and you were absolutely exactly what I wanted. And you would, I mean, I came in to describe what you would do, but it was so original and so fun and so interesting and so different that people would come in and they'd see the warm up and they would think

you were there, so no, like, oh my God, what is happening? What is this going to be? And it was great, you were perfect. It was awesome, yeah. But you did one thing that completely blew me away and then I'm gonna let you speak at some point, but I'm just gonna monologue for a while. Cause it's right, me away, and then I'm going to let you speak at some point, but I'm just going to monologue for a while Because it's right you watch and I'm very excited

You would know that we were touring in the summer. It was very hot This gentleman would wear very very heavy sweaters. Yes all the time and lots of corduroy and suspenders and layers and layers. Yeah. And we would be in Texas. We would be in, you tell me, Georgia, it would be 130 degrees. Yeah. And you would be walking around, you never sweat. And then I would be sitting in my dressing room alone, doing guitar scales and trying to warm up my vocals for the show and just trying to get ready.

And then I would wander down the hallway and I would pass Reggie's dressing room. And you all to testify that this is true, Sonia. I would pass Reggie's dressing room and it was always a happening. Yes. I would look in the room and there was always about 35 people there. Beautiful women, but with like an eye patch, a beautiful one with an eye patch and a falcon on her shoulder. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, it really is the coolest people I've ever seen. And it was, it was, they were always different. Every time it was different people. Oh, there's a, a German man with a miner's helmet,

and he's got a goat with him, but he's also drinking absent. And it was just this insane collection of human beings. And they would always look at me like, mm, Vass is lost. He's dying, cordon. And you'd be like, oh, hey, Conan, I'd be like, oh, hey, and you would all be like a huka

They're doves in the room Prince was there. I don't know like you had that you it was always happening. Yeah, you're the coolest guy I've met How did you do that? How did you and we'd be nowhere? We'd be like, oh, we're here in Tallahassee and there are those people Did they did you fly them in? I don't know how that, you know what, really, it had to do with the tour. I mean, who wouldn't want to come and hang out backstage at your tour?

It was pretty fun. People were like, what is happening? Like, they were like, as much as you're saying, like, what is happening with this guy? Like, my friends were like, what's going on with Conan? It's like, I'm opening for, it's impossible. Let me come, You know, I'm like, yeah, it was easy. You know, everyone was so excited. It was so weird because we also never knew who was going to be backstage and whatever, whatever state or city we were in, the most famous people from that state

or city would show up. Right. And so, you know, we'd be in Seattle and it's say, oh, you know, Eddie Vetter is gonna, Pearl Jam's gonna come do something on the show. And I'd be like, what? And I'd say this isn't funny, this is hurtful, this prank. And then Eddie Vetter, which yeah, go ahead. My, one of my favorite.

And this is Aaron Blair speaking. Yes. And I discourage his interruptions, but go ahead Aaron. I remember, and just so you know, you'll never be allowed to speak. Yeah. Oh, no, no, I know that.

I guess that's not in the contract. That's who it was. That's who it was so nuts. I have a specific memory of being in San Francisco. And I was backstage, like trying to get from one side of the stage to the other. And there's this very narrow hallway. And I'm kind of walking very fast on the hallway and you're talking to somebody. And I just go to kind of push this person away.

And as I'm about to touch, I realized you're talking to somebody. And I just go to kind of push this person away. And as I'm about to touch, I realize you're talking to Neil Young. Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah, maybe I'll just wait. Yeah, don't you fucking get in the way, young. I just waited. But you were such a good, I don't know, it was one of those, so many things went miraculously

right on that tour. And I would say the first thing was, oh, our opener, which was a total Hail Mary, we did it was Reggie Watts. And you just set the tone right away and whatever happened on that crazy tour, you were like, uh-huh. Of course, this is happening. And then, of course, as I got to know you better throughout the tour, which was a real delight. And I've seen your career blossom, so beautifully beautifully subsequently. And now you have this book out.

I realize that you have this improbable background that kind of made that you coming into that tour of feel like, yeah, what else you got? You know what I mean? I don't think a weird situation could be created for you that you couldn't handle. You know, honestly, that's, that's an amazing observation because that's how it feels. Because, you know, like all the stuff that I did that I chose electively to do, and that was available to me growing up. I mean, that stuff was pretty weird. And I'm going to take people through it quickly just to set the table. And then,

obviously, I want you to tell this story, but you are born, you're born with no citizenship. Okay. Where were you born? As born in Stuttgart. Stuttgart Germany. Stuttgart, close to Zufenhausen. Okay. Well, that goes without saying.

Of course. Right. You're the town of Lederhose. Of course Lederhose and Zufenhausen. And your dad was Air Force servicemen, right? Yes. And so you're born, you're a military brat. And your dad was Air Force servicemen, right? And so you're born, you're a military brat. And you move a lot.

Yeah, a few times. I will say like a lot for the amount of time that we did move. Other friends of mine were like, I was in Oklahoma for two years. Then I went to partial high school and partial junior high. For me, it's like we moved around, we moved to four different countries

and then ended up in the United States. So until about three and a half or four. And you have this experience of you're living in Europe, your parents are a biracial couple and that is very accepted. And then you move to Montana where there may be a different vibe. I'm guessing. Yeah. I'm not just guessing. It's in your book. So tell us about that. It was very interesting. I mean, it was a mix of being aware of that. And also, not a real I just cast on here. Oh, it was a mix of being aware of that and also,

no, yeah, we like to cut something here. Oh, we're actually encouraged. Okay. Well, and also, and I also just didn't give a fudge about it. That's a little, yeah. Sorry guys. Yeah, fudge is not one of our favorite desserts. Can we take that out?

Can we meet that out? Yeah, we have a delay. I love a hot fuck Sunday. But I despise a hot fuck Sunday. It's so close. It's so close. I tell you, if you haven't had a hot fuck Sunday, you haven't lived.

Oh my lord. My lord, let me write down that. So it's interesting because don't you think, and I've always had this theory that growing up kind of with the, what many people would describe is the radical instability of mixed race parents, Europe moving constantly in radically different countries, not really sure what the hell is going on, prepares you in a weird way to say, I'm going with whatever. Oh, 100%.

I mean, everywhere that I go, I had to learn how to adapt because I was always ill-equipped. I wasn't speaking English very fluently when I first started going to preschool. So for me, I was trying my best, but I had to learn English pretty quickly. And then I had to learn how to make friends and friends were like, oh, this guy's weird.

And so I had to figure out ways to quickly get into people's like center of like who they are. And that worked pretty well. I think eventually like you just get a kid. It's all about your rap even like in the entertainment industry was like, your reputation says a lot about how you can get hired. It kind of goes back then too in school.

It's like if you work on, you know, being someone who's helpful and funny and joking all the time and slightly hornery, but like, you know, with good intentions, that's your wrap and it helps, goes a long way with friends. Yeah, I've always maintained comedy is not a hobby. It's a defense mechanism that's learned very, it's a survival mechanism that you learn very early

It's totally very early and then you forge your whole life around and then someone later on in the process people go Oh, we'll give you a check for that you go what? It's like I've been using that to stay a lot Okay All right, are you sure this is what kept me from being beaten? I know it's cool again. Oh my God, so many fights haveverted. You moved to Great Falls, Montana, and I love this because the cover of your book, and I want people

to get this book, but it's. It's the cookey. It's just for the cover guys. It's the cookeyest book cover I've ever seen. It's your head floating majestically, disembodied above the, it looks like the falls in Great Falls, Montana. Yeah, it's the Anaconda hydroelectric dam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm at you because I Need to write my autobiography. You do there's a lot of pressure on me to write it and my idea was my head floating above a hydroelectric dam Somewhere in the Midwest. I got you. Yeah, Western Midwest. And so, I'm screwed.

Thank you. WMW. That's fine. There's a couple more ideas you can use. Did you encounter racism when you were a kid, when showing up in this environment? For sure. Some of it, I kind of chose to not acknowledge, you know, just just keep doing my thing, but definitely they were like full on,

you know, I got chased by some guys in a pickup truck with a BB gun, you know, like, and I was like trying to hide from them stuff for a while. That was fun. But, you know, really while it was happening, I was like, oh, this is what it's like. Just kidding. This is a valuable experience. Okay, cool. So this is what it's like. Did you look to a camera that wasn't there? Totally. I did. I said, are we still rolling?

I just yelled up to the sky or whatever. Although terrifying. Yeah. Running from these races is a valuable experience. I'll probably learn from it. Well, back to running. I know back to running again. And I don't even like running.

No, I mean, there were, I think there were, I remember my gym teacher. I don't know if it was in the book or not, but there was my gym teacher. He and I had this weird, like I just didn't like him. He didn't like me. And I remember walking to the gym and he was in the hallway before going into the gymnasium and it was just he and I and he kind of pulled me aside and he was like,

I want you to know that you're not fit to eat with pigs. And then I just looked at him and I was like, thank you so much. And then I walked away. And it was like, people saying stuff like that to me, I was like, what are you doing? Like for me, it wasn't so much like, oh, I feel hurt by it. It's more, mostly I was just,

it was gonna, what are you doing? Well, it's interesting. I mean, first of all, that's horrible, but at the same time, what makes sense about it is that you're refusing to even honor it. You're refusing to thank you so much. Yeah, totally. Good talk.

You got it out. And then you keep moving, and you're totally denying that person, their anger, their rage, whatever is gonna give their feet, purchase on the ground, which in a way is genius, I identify, the aspect I identify with is the non-confrontational aspect. I was always very light on my feet and if people didn't like me or thought I was weird or was coming after me for one of a thousand reasons, I wouldn't stand my ground and go, oh yeah,

what are you going to do about it? I would say 35 things that kind of confused those behaving a strange way and then sort of drift through the wall. And I'm not I don't know I I'm not advocating that approach in life because there's part of me that wishes sure that in the movies what you do is you kiss your fist and punch them across the room. You get your goddamn hands off of me. Yeah, what would happen to me is I would kiss my fist and then fall in love with my fist. And then start tongueing on. And then you would fudge it. Yeah, exactly. I would fudge the shit out of that fist. My highest compliment I can pay to you is that you are impossible to categorize because you're like he's a musician, yeah, he's a band leader, wow, but he's also he's a comedian,

but he's also an artist, but he's also a performer, but he's also a prankster, it's like which I think is great. It's like you refuse to be categorized, but music must have come to you very early, I would think. I think music is the secret weapon. I think for me growing up, I love music, my parents love music. They listen to it.

My dad was a huge jazz head. And my mom and he shared their love of jazz, but also specifically more funk, like James Brown and things of that nature. And my mom loved folk music, like you know, Nana Muskuri and those types of Eddie P.F. and those types of singers, Julio Glecius. And so I was around so much music.

Ray Charles was someone I gravitated to as a kid. I love watching the way that he moved when he played piano. And then, and we're some weird reason Elvis Presley. I was like huge. My first record was Elvis Presley record. I just, I was impressed with the press. But he was, you can, that's trademarked. You will have to meet that.

No one's ever said that about Elvis Presley. No one's ever and everything's been said about him. And no one's ever said I'm impressed with the press. I feel fondly for the Lee Lee Presley. What? Lee for the Lee fondly for the Lee. What the fuck? I told you. What the fuck? I told you.

What did you know? No, I mean, but discovering music like my parents saw me like on my like I would be like bedside pretending to be Ray Charles. I was a mimic as far back as I can remember. And they saw me doing that and they got me this toy piano and I was playing on the toy piano a lot. And then as soon as we moved to Montana, I think it aged like five and a half or something like that. I went into

classical piano training and took to it pretty well. But I was a social. So for me, it was like, oh, I get to be with all these kids and like, oh, I'll learn music. But what about all these kids? You know, the music was fascinating. But really, I think that's what creates that adaptability. Because for me, the one thing I always tell all my artist friends where they're like, you know, the music was fascinating, but really, I think that's what creates that adaptability. Because for me, the one thing I always tell all my artist friends where they're like, you know, I'm doing this one thing, but I'm not sure I'm thinking about maybe doing painting. I'm like, those are just extensions of yourself. It's like if you imagine yourself as like a person sitting on a floor and you're surrounded by all these different medium tools. You can rotate to any position and pick one. It's like the core is always the same. You're the creator. Pick different

tools, but you've got the most important part, which is like, I have an idea of something I want to do. And so for me, I think music enabled that because I would be on the playground. It would save me if, you know, people would be like, ah, they'd be hostile towards me. And I would start singing like Olivia Newton- John or something. Let's give physical. And then be like, oh, that's right. And I was again, savagely. Yeah. Yeah. Physical, physical. Okay. I know how to stop these hooligans. Sure thing, O'Brien. How about this for physical? Yeah. Hey, O'Brien, we're going to beat the shit out of you. No, I don't think so sir For I'm about to sing

Classic tune by Olivia Newton John what the fuck oh you'll see let's get physical physical When I awoke in the ICU There's not one unbroken bow in his body. That bully was a living in New Newton, Jay. I was just imagining the bullies. What was she doing at the playground? Just imagining the bullies going like, is that all of them? I was like, oh, no, I actually know. I think this, this pinky is like, okay, get out of your masterpiece. Yeah. These are bullies that really took their job seriously. And if they found out later on, there's one more. Get out of your masterpiece. Yeah. Yeah. These are bullies that really took their job seriously. And if they found out later on there,

there was an unbroken pinky. They were like, you know, you got to respect your craft. It's a warranty. Did the teachers just watch this happen, too? Are they joining in? Oh, they would sell seats. That's my God. Yeah, the Brian, upper cut.

Brian, watch out. This is not the beating of O'Brien. Everyone to the north side of the parking lot. Why'd you that? We're suspending all lessons for the day. The SAT has been cancelled. The PSAT has been cancelled. No one's going to college.

Good year, Blint Passes. It's already got like messaging about me, the Conan beating. You know what else can take a beating? Good year, Tyre. Yeah, soft, soft focus hard on the tire. So it's right. You're also, you're so influence, you're so influenced by pop culture at this time too, because you're a sponge. And you are watching television, you're watching movies, and you're picking up on comedy. What stuff are you watching? What are you loving?

Man, I would, well, we were kind of speaking earlier about the pink Panther, pink Panther mode, your Peter Sellers, yes. My dad and I would watch those. And I remember probably the most intense laughter I ever had with my father that I can remember is Peter sellers doing that bit where he's on the parallel bars. I've talked about the same thing. Oh my God. I swear to God. This is in my, this is in my, if I only left with eight images in my brain before I die. Okay, I'll reserve some for

my two children and my wife. Okay. I'll give them three spots. But then the rest is going to be, and one of them is going to be Peter Sellers on the parallel bars upstairs, upstairs, in the mansion, next to, next to a flight of stairs going down. Yes. Disc mounts with a graceful dismount and falls down the stairs.

Look this up on YouTube or wherever you wanna see it. He's, because he's so poppy, he's like, ah, is it parallel bars? I did this at the Lyceum, you know, and he gets on them and he's doing, and then he dismounts and then, and crashes into the room where the staff has been assembled for his questioning.

And my favorite thing is he enters a room with all of his dignity and authority stripped because he just fell down a slide of stairs, but immediately stands up. Yes. And well, we'll just... Yeah, that scene with that was happening because you're just watching and going, okay, sure. All right, swinging back and forth. That's great. All right, cool. And I was sitting down with your salesman every day. And then that happens and like my dad and I lost it. We were laughing for quite a while. That's so funny because those I would go to the movie theater

when those movies would come out and I would go, my family would go, my father would go. And that's where I would, you always pay attention to. And this is what I can relate to is, I would watch my dad. Like if my dad was laughing really hard, that was because when you're a kid, and sometimes you're not sure how you're gonna connect with your dad.

I think times have changed a little bit, but yeah, that's true. If at all you feel that, I don't quite know how to connect with this guy. He can seem remote, sometimes I'm grumpy, and I'm scared, he's at work a lot. And then when you see him laughing really hard at that, at a moment in a pink panther would be like that. That was, that there's no coincidence that later on you find out, I'm in comedy. Yeah. Oh, man. This is my way of connecting to people.

100% my dad, and my dad was like very strange guy You know, he was like very quiet because he's a war vet and he was obviously more animated when I was younger but he It was just like few and far between like those were our moments to connect was really humor him laughing at me like doing something dumb or whatever Or like hiding peas, you know like in my pocket when they weren't looking and then came discovering it and just laughing about it. Those types of things. Not to mention your book, he had PTSD. He had a lot of trauma from serving.

He had been in Vietnam, is that right? He had been in Vietnam. He hadn't seen a ton of action, but he did see some action towards the end of his second round in Vietnam. So I think all that stuff catches up to, even if you're not on the front line, even if you're on the base. And I mean, I think he was on a base

and had gotten noticed that they were surrounded and that the Vietnamese were closing in on this base. And so everybody was arming up and getting ready. And then there was a notice that said the war was over. So it didn't happen. But I mean, I couldn't imagine the stress of just like this impending thing. And you're like, I don't know what's out there's gonna be.

All of that definitely got to him. And so I mean, I will say that unlike some of my friends who've had difficult times with their fathers, I think he did the best he could with what he had really, you know, and who knows. He was ill prepared for that. He also didn't have any help. There was like, nobody going like, well, they've got shell shock. Let's sit down and talk about it. That was more esoteric or it was more for people that were a little bit more forward thinking. My mom was always like, go in the basement and yell, you know, and he would, he just wouldn't do any of that stuff.

He'd just kind of be silent and hang out in the dark and two a.m. So but you could connect to him through comedy and through music? Yes. Yes. Yeah, I think he wasn't like a guy that was like, I'm really proud of you son. He didn't do that, but you kind of knew when I knew when he dug something or he would just be like, oh man, this guy's crazy. Or you know, he would shake his head and have this grin on his face.

And I knew that that was him going like, I don't know what this guy is, but I like it. What's interesting to me is that you were in a legit band when you start to discover, I can kind of do comedy using the same tools. I mean your repertoire is you can play all these different instruments but also by messing around with pedals getting different sounds going. and repeating phrases and it's really cool to watch you put it all together. But when do you start to figure that out and do the members of the legitimate band get irritated? Oh, man. That you're doing that, do you know what I mean? Massively irritated. Yes, people would be annoying with me doing comedic bits.

Because I did comedy in high school, we had competitive drama. So we got to do humor solo the first year. It was just very strange to just get on a tour bus. Here's $40 for the weekend and two nights at a hotel and good luck competing against other students from around the state and a weird high school on a weekend. But it was great because you'd meet all these other drama kids that are all a bunch of weirdos. So they're just like doing these crazy monologues

and you're like, okay, great. And what am I gonna do? I don't know, but my teacher's like, you can do whatever you want. That's okay if you want to improvise and then I would improvise. So I think all of that and then actually I tried out for a standup competition in high school

and won it and it was like 300 bucks or something like that and immediately bought like a shitton of weed for my friends, my friends were like, great, you won't, you want to buy some weed? Like immediately. It's like, not about like you were great up there and you want, it's like, we got money now, you want to get some.

You did good at the weed winning competition. You would stand up thing, whatever. Yeah, totally, but the weed procuring thing went well. I did good with weed, but like, yeah, so I mean, I think that started creeping back in because, you know, I have a hyperactive imagination. And when I'm on stage and I'm I hear a sound or like someone says something and that immediately leeks to some other silly thing. And I can't help it after a while. You know, there were times I understood it. I mean, you know, you're you don't hear the drummer back there. You don't have a mic and you're like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

You know, I get it. It was, I wasn't like, you guys should understand me. But there were definitely moments when I felt that I'm going, like, can we just play the next song? Like, yes, that's a good idea. Let's play the next song. When did you decide, all right, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go out on my own and I'm going to use this tech that I have

and my improvisational skills and my wits and I'm going to make this musical mashup of music comedy. What does that happen? I mean, that happened, I think, when I was about 31, 32. I was in my band MockTube, which was a really amazing band to be a part of,

a great band. But we had been, I think we'd been together for five years and we'd gone through a bunch of hype cycles with labels and like, you know, execs coming out, Jimmy Iovine coming out to watch us and like doing showcases in LA and stuff like that, Fiber Room. And it would, we'd almost, almost something would happen. And then we'd go back to like, are they past or whatever, then we would work on another record or something like that. And I just wasn't seeing it evolving beyond, you know, the third time that we'd gone through that. And I was doing comedy, and then I saw what are they called? Michael Schrobaltter and my clean black.

Oh, the state. They have a state. Not the state Stella. Yeah, I was post state. I learned about state later, but I saw Stella and I was like, what is this? Those DV, those shorts, the shawl and DV. And I was like, this is my humor. These guys know how meaningless things are.

And like, and that's so beautiful. And so I identified identified with that and then they ended up I think went out American summer came out. Yeah and I saw that and I was like totally like oh that's yes I want to do that you know I was so driven and inspired by those things and then they happened to come to town Stela did come to town I'm at Eugene Merman and I was introduced by a friend and and he was like we have a comedy night in New York, and then I ended up writing with a band, and they needed me in New York for the writing session

for a month, so while I was there, I did a couple spots that invite them up and instant friends with everybody. That's great. It was like being in high school again. I mean, when some of my younger friends or younger artists are like, how did you make it? And basically that's like the question,

but how do you make it? And I'm like, well,, basically, that's like the, the question, but how do you make it? And I'm like, well, I don't know. You don't have to worry about making it. Like what you have to make is the thing that you love to do. Yes. And do that, you know, I always tell people, like, if you wake up in the morning and you can't not think of, be thinking about a bit. And if you're always doing bits, like, that's, that's kind of what you are.

Yeah. You're not going to change that. So you might as well make a career out of it. No, I, I, I always maintain I always maintain that my career is me doing what I'd be doing anyway. And then I was fortunate to find some people who had money and owned the machinery, who were like, well, you can do it for us.

But it's the dirty little secret, as it if they said, well, we're done and we're taking away all the equipment. I'd say, okay, well, back to my bits. Yeah, I know. I know. Here are my old bits. Like you just opened up the closet. Whatever.

And I would just do it in an empty field. And I think, and you know, whatever a passing dove would say, that seems sad He's not aging well Who are you mr. Turtle? You could Everyone truck

They can't believe each other can talk But my beds, But my bits. We're finding out we can talk. And you're obsessed with your bits, Conan. Yeah, but here's my bit about Ronald Reagan. You know, well, well, well, well, well, well. That's not interesting enough. So how did you learn to talk?

Toadstool. How could the Toadstool not like my Reagan bit? You write in the book that because you I noticed that just in tour that the women are quite taken with Mr. Reggie Watts and then you write in the book that your dream girl is pippy long stocking. Me too. Really? I have huge crush on Inger Nilsen, the original. Well, also the concept, but yes, she was great.

She was great. She was a great embodiment of it. Oh, and Inger called it as stop writing her letters. Well, no, but because of this show, they interviewed me for a pippy documentary. No! So we talked about it on here. They sent me a signed vinyl with Inger Tommy and Onica. Yeah. Wait, who are the other two?

Tommy and Onica. Okay. Can you fill in just for people that are listening and had some sort of a childhood? What, people want to know who the other two are. They had some. Tommy and Onica are like her normal kid side kiss. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking to you. It's a no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're friends. They're part of the crew. Oh, yeah. I'm talking to you. It's a no. Yeah, they're friends. They're part of the crew. Yeah, yeah. But she's amazing. She's amazing. She was super strong.

She had a basement full of treasure. So she had unlimited funds. Yeah. She could travel anywhere. She could lift a horse. She could lift a horse. She could, you know, she has, she's magical. She had like, you know, red hair.

I'm half red ahead. And, you know, I, she, she had, she had, pick tails that were magical and like, she had cool style. I'm having such a. You know, I see she had, she had pigtails or magical and like she had cool style. I'm having such a sense memory right now. I'm in my grandfather's small house in, uh, in Miss Kwama Cutt, Rhode Island. And there's a pippy long-stocking movie that comes on. And this might have been with Inger. I'm sure. And it was.

And back then there's only three channels. This TV and Miss Kwama Cutt can etiquette near the state beach. Doesn't get many of much reception of anything. So you'd see the same thing over and over again, and they were running a commercial for the Pippi Longstocking movie. And there was just one line that rang in my head, which is a weird, overdubbed, someone I think overdubbing.

Yeah, because it was Swedish and the Her accent would change from film to film. She would have just like a transatlantic and then some films she'd just be like, I'm broccoli and I'm pippy logs stalking you. Well, that, okay. So what I remember, you tell me if this at all rings a bell is she's lifting a horse, she's running super fast like a hundred miles an hour and they've just sped up her legs. She's doing all these crazy things. And then they just cut to a very European weird kid and it looked like poor quality film stock who goes

Pippi are you crazy? Yeah, that's probably Tommy. Yeah, okay, and I remember seeing that and going what's what kind of movie is this? My grandfather a retired policeman would say turn that crap off Pippi are you crazy? Wow, so so rising clips from this podcast in that documentary because we talked about it? Well, we're going to talk about it more now. I know. And where's my cut, by the way?

I want a piece of that. Yeah. It's really long stock. I want in on that long stocking money. So what is it about Pippi long stocking? You first and then you Matt. What is it? I think I, I don't know. I guess I like that she was like fully independent, you

know, like she ran her own operation and she, she ran her own operation. She just went on adventures. She was just like going on adventures all the time because that's what she was, her grandfather was a pirate or something or father was a pirate and a, but no longer in the picture. And then, you know, and had like this gang of kids. And I don't know, I just had a huge crush on her. That's that she was hot. That's cool. Yeah.

I mean, I think Superman was always the ideal when you're a kid, but Pippi was kind of a little bit more realistic. Her parent left her dad, left her alone. That's right. Just to live in this house called Villa Villa Coulin, who just goes and sales the seas. And I had a huge crush on her too. Yeah. I think it was maybe like Blondie and Pippi were my first two.

Oh my gosh. Yeah, blondie was pretty amazing. Yeah. They're a little different. Oh, yeah. Or you know what? Actually, Dale Bozio. Oh, yeah.

Who's you? From Dailbowlain. No, no, from a missing person. Yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Man. Woman, she's like, yeah, she looked like blondie, kind of, right? She kind of, well, she kind of blondie kind of right? She kind of well

she kind of looked like a cross between blondie and the people are gonna kill me like a cross and and who's the dude from Tristage sister? Oh, D's night. Yeah, like a tiny bit like a hair like like like like huge crush on there you go. That's my idea. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's interesting. No, Blondie hit, really hit big, my freshman year of high school. And I remembered her just being the ideal. Like, oh, that's the sexiest. And she still is. Yeah, she's forgot to say, she's the most, she's the sexiest coolest woman alive. We need to get Blondie and Pippi on this podcast.

Yeah, and have some fight. Yeah, but Pippi would probably win. Yeah, she started beating Bl blondie and I go, Pippi, are you crazy? It's bad, no, it's bad. 16 millimeter stored improperly. Okay, here's another huge influence on you and you mentioned in the book, the Ferris Bueller.

Ferris Bueller's day off. Yes, huge influence on you because he broke the fourth wall. That was, yeah, that was mind blowing. I mean, it was, I influence on you because he broke the fourth wall. That was yeah, that was mind blowing I mean it was I mean what one of the smartest Moves of a movie script ever I think I mean sure not the first movie But definitely of those coming of age films, which I was all about I just liked all the things that he accomplished in a day I mean it was insane and like is he gonna make it? You know all that rascally principle, you know, and the sisters kind of bad ass,

you know, like there was so many adventurous things. And it only took place in a day. And then at the end, like him, or just once in a while throughout the movie, too, but like looking at the camera, I was like, that is so cool. I love that. Like we're in on it. Like he's experiencing that reality for us. And also, it's very hard to do because it can be done badly. Yes. And of course, John Hughes and Matthew Broderick, that, they did it perfectly.

Perfectly. Yeah, it was just like practical. It's kind of a perfect movie. It's totally a perfect movie. I've watched it. You know, some of those movies really, but, um, just moments of it are kind of, you know, breakfast clothes. This is totally aside and random, but I was down in, uh, Venice, uh, in here in California

with David Hopping, like a week and a half ago, and we wander into a store. And I'm chatting with the guy who runs the store and he says to a woman there who's also working there, this very attractive woman who's probably in her early 20s, more mid 20s and he says to her, I can't remember her name, but he says like, you know, Syria, Syria, tell Conan your story, tell your story

and she comes over kind of sheepishly because she's being forced to. And she says, my parents are the parents on Ferris Bueller. And I said, what do you mean? And she said, the two actors that play the mother and the father on Ferris Bueller, they met on that movie. And they're my parents. Oh my God. And then the guy at the store is like, you're not crazy. Oh. And at this point, I feel like I have to buy something. Um, yeah.

And they met on that movie and then she is their child and she is drop dead gorgeous, by the way. Oh my God. Yeah. And very nice and very cool. But I just thought, wait a minute, are you just, are you insane that you think, because when you think of people who are playing a couple in a movie, you never think.

No. And she said, no, they met on that movie and then had me. She's the real life Mueller. She is the real life Mueller. Yeah. That's a cool story. She's real Mueller. That's okay. Does she ever just randomly stop in the middle of the street and just turn to a camera that's not there. Well, I was gonna load a meat. Yeah, yeah, she did while I was talking to her. Oh, no way. Yeah, she turned to a camera that wasn't there and said,

I meet a lot of celebrities at this store here, you know, in near Venice Beach. Conan, kind of bottom of the pile, but you know what? You got to pretend to be excited and then she turned back to me. Well, you were still there. I was still there. Oh, man. And then she turned back to me. Well, you were still there. I was still there. Oh, man. And I said, that's rude. And then she turned back to a different camera

and said, who knew he could hear me? Multi-cam. Yeah, the fifth wall. She broke the fifth wall. She broke the fifth wall, that's it. She broke so many walls, the roof collapsed. What's he to do? Oh my God.

She's living in a hypercube. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know her name, but shout out to her and no kidding. That's and very lovely cool person. So glad to have you out there. Yeah. That's fucking mind blowing. Yeah.

Yeah. I loved, yeah, love, Biller. Biller is great. But also I love weird science. Weird science was huge. Weird science is so insane. So insane. Because I'm sorry, but the premise is crazy.

It's because I remember seeing that but the premise is crazy. It's because I remember seeing that, this is how old I am. I saw that in the theater as an adult who could choose to purchase or not purchase a ticket. And I went with Greg Daniels because we were both writers and we had no girlfriends, big surprise.

We're living out here in LA and this movie comes out weird science. And we think, well, let's go to Westwood and watch it to learn how to make a girlfriend. Yeah, exactly. We both need to make a girlfriend clearly because we, no one we meet wants to talk to us. So we go to the theater and these two guys just basically,

I think, cut out a bunch of pictures from magazines and feed them into a what? A super computer. A super computer. But a long computer. Then a brazier. Then a brazier. Then a Barbie doll.

A Barbie doll. The out and there's a Barbie doll. And then I think because they run a cable to the roof and lightning hits it, that makes Kelly LeBrah. That's true. Yes. Now I know what I was saying. The leaves people were making with,

you know, if you take a personal computer, Andrew's a lightning storm, and you have a bra, and some dolls around, you can make Kelly LeBrah. Yeah, computers are still like fancy enough that you couldn't pin it down for, oh, could it do that? Yeah, people just didn't question it. No, no, that'll happen.

I guess that can happen with a computer and a lightning storm. It's a big thing. If they both have it at the same time. We need both, it's very hard. So, you know, those kids got lucky in that movie. I remembered that happening and being like a 22 year old in the theater and just saying, okay, I guess I really don't understand computers. I'm glad I'm glad that that was. But myself and my writing partner, we went out that night. We bought an apple. We bought seven barbies and you're still waiting. And Greg was electrocuted. No LeBrock. Here he is. Electrocuted LeBrockless. The police, the firefighters showed up and

all they said when they saw us, we were both smoldering was trying to make a LeBrock, huh? A lot of that lately. We got two more nerds on barrington trying to make a LeBrock. You two stop LeBrockin' around, get outta here. Enough LeBrockin' you idiots. Good. All the power surges going in these different nerd areas of town. With some shadow creature emerges in the background. I mean, yeah, that show was, I mean, also it had Mad Max vibes. It had like, I mean, it had ever, it was so crazy.

And the guy from Mad Max. Yeah, the guy from Mad Max was in it. It was insane, but the crazy thing was that my first girlfriend was English. And she was, she was a model for like teen, like a nightwear or something like that. And so she came from London because of Mary to an Air Force guy. And so my first girlfriend was like this English, brunette model. I was like, this is, how's this even possible? Like I was just watching weird science. You did. My first girlfriend is this, it was very, very weird.

Right. And I was very insecure about it because I was like, there's no way, the whole time. There's no way, there's no way, there's no way, no way, no way. And when you're saying that out loud and you're with her. There's no way. In no way.

Can't touch your shoulder. Oh, there's no way, no way. There's no way. No way, why you're having sex. There's no way. There's just no way. No way. No way. There's no way, no, why you're having sex. Just no way, this just no way. No way, this no way, you're totally leaving me. Can we at least finish this first baby boy?

Where, where is no way? How? My new book, How? My life with the real Kelly LeBrog. I love it, you have also had a Seattle period, which I totally get because you my life with the real Kelly LeBrog. I love that you have also had a Seattle period, which I totally get because you went to Seattle to you wanted to experience creativity, randomness. So you just decided I'm going to Seattle. Yeah.

And cloud cover that's about six inches above the roof line of any. Yeah. It's about like max 100 feet. Oh, yeah. It's, um, I mean, it was the biggest city closest to Gray Falls. I mean, you could drive, you could drive there in 13 hours, which for Montana. That's like that's like that's not all the usual.

That's a trip to CVS. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, you know, go to Mount Pascar, take your time though. There is a shortcut through low, low, but don't worry about it, you know, just keep going straight. Black ice patches reportedly on the, like two-wheel drive right now. But yeah, I mean, it was close enough, and then I got lucky. I've been lucky everywhere I've moved, but I moved there in 1990. It was just before Grunge was going to explode. And so I was living, you know, like with a bunch of weirdos in a house as

a band and like that shit blew up. And I was a huge sound garden fan. And seeing all of that explode and and see the industry move into that town so fast with all these satellite offices looking for the next new thing. And then for you, because when I moved there, there were two venues to play at. That was it. It was like, night time, Harley and cars driving around the streets. It was so dead. It was such a small town vibe anyways. And then within a period of about three years it completely changed. It was insane. And then coffee was like a espresso culture was born. My lord, my wife is from Seattle and I got married there and it's my, you know, home away from home because we go there.

Just when I was first dating my wife, I'd say like, oh, you know, let's go get some coffee and she said, we are not going in there because she was like a Somalye, a coffee. Oh, no, they burned the coffee there. What about we could go in this place? No, we're not going there either. I'll tell you where we're gonna get coffee

and she would take me to the one place that made the coffee just right. And I couldn't taste the difference. Oh my God. Oh my God. I still can't taste the difference. I mean, I grew up on Sanka, you know? No, Sanka's good enough.

I'd take Sanko over Starbucks thing, but it was a crazy time to be there. And we were playing, we played Jeff Bezos' parties. I played like two of his parties, like met him, like, but like in 1995, 1996 saw Bill Gates, you know, like a restaurant that I used to go to, you know, like it was, it was really weird to have all those worlds, you know, these ripples that are now affecting our entire everyday lives. But being there in that moment, playing a party like that just sounds. It always reminds me of I did not, I wrote on the script, but I didn't write it this joke,

but there was a great Simpson's joke that one of the writers came up with, which Mr. Burns is having a birthday party. And of course, Smith is just trying to make it the perfect party for him. So, and at one point, he, and he books the Ramones to play from Mr. Burns, and the Ramones, they got the actual Ramones to go like, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. And then joy, they dropped their instruments and joy Ramone just goes, happy birthday, you all bastard and walks off. And they cut to Mr. Burns and he says to Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.

And Smithers says, sir, that's not the Rolling Stones. He says, do it! And so Smithers leaves. And it's always loved the joke that somewhere, the Rolling Stones are being killed in that world because that old man, miss identify, oh my God. And I think about that all the time when I imagine me playing or having to do anything at one of those parties. If I was on the David Geffen Yacht and told a story or did some kind of comedy thing, I

could just see Geffen leaning over to someone and saying, have the Rolling Stones kill it. Have Gallagher destroy it. Sure, that's not Gallagher. Do it. Have Carrot. That's not do it. Have Jane Leach. All these red men. That's not just going through. Listen, Mr. Reggie Watts, it was a, I've been blessed many times in my life, but the day that you signed on to be my opening act and I got to go on that crazy adventure with you and then we became friends was a great, great day for me and I'm blessed to know you. Keep me in your life and let's

do something together again. I would love to do that. Let's do that. Let's open a store that sells something nobody wants. Yes. Oh my God. And see how long it takes to not sell anything. And we'll get the woman in Venice. Oh my God. She'll manage. She'll manage.

And it'll be called. Yes. Yes. Ferris Bueller's parents do have a child. Ferris Bueller's half off. Or a tea. You idiot. T.

T. T. I admire that. Ferris Bueller's half off. Or a tea. You idiot. Tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, We have an ongoing saga on this podcast that continues to write its own narrative. It is that terrible author. I'm not writing it, I'm just living it. Remember that J. O'More, who runs a deli in New York, has taken our sandwich creations and has been selling them and he has an update on the numbers. He's running actual science now, okay? Because last time you also, you complained about the fact that I had an American flag in mind and you said that that was responsible for why I was leading sales.

I think that goosed things a little bit. Okay. Because, you know, we're a, we're a patriotic people. Uh-huh. And yours had an American flag and ours had no flag. Mm-hmm. So I think that put us at a disadvantage. He took the flag out.

Thank you. And started the tally again. Good. Okay. These are Jay's words. Once again, I just wanted to say you made my day with the mention of the, on the podcast. I'm so happy you guys are enjoying it. You're welcome. Thank you, Wilford Brimley. Yeah, you said it angry. Love it. It's a lot of skin off your nose. No free pub. 551 sandwiches sold. Final tally so far. 172, Conan's corned beef 186, Matty Melt, 193.

Oh, these are all pretty close. Yes, and then it goes on. Okay, he said, I will cross the 200 mark today. Conan may cross it too. He said, Matty Melt, these are updates as they come in. Matty Melt just hit 200. Conan is a six away. I said, stall it, take it off the menu, meaning yours.

Where is this, New York? is it six away, I said stall it, take it off the menu, meaning yours. Where is this? New York? No, but let's be a little clear about where this place is because I'd like to make a personal appeal. I don't know where it is exactly. Isn't this EJs luncheon? Yeah. I believe it's on the upper east side, third avenue between 73rd and 74th EJs. A very nice guy named Jay came out of his, his diner and said hello

to me. We chatted for a little bit. That's when the idea for maybe these sandwiches came up. And I would just like to say that my sandwich is, I believe it's corn beef, Russian dressing, coleslaw, it's a terrific sandwich. It's a classic. And it's called the Conan O'Brien or just the Conan. I think it's just I'm not sure. See you saying that the name recognition is important? Well, what I'm saying is I would like to win this. Oh. And so I'm talking to all my listeners now who might be a New York City.

Just your me out. Maybe give my sandwich a try. No. Go there and order it. And then if you see me around New York City, I'm there a lot. Just mention I had your sandwich, Conan. And Maybe get a little quick hug in a selfie. That's all. Okay. You can't use the bully pulpit like that. Yeah, you have to give it equal

time to us. I don't know what kind of cash I'll have on me, but I don't carry a lot of cash. I'll just say that right now. You're gonna go and just buy a ton of sandwiches, probably. No, no, I'm gonna have to have David Hopping. Yeah. Go buy a lot of sandwiches, probably. I feel like you probably will. I'm gonna have David Hopping go buy a lot of sandwiches. Jay, you have to watch out for the sonar. You can make your plea for your year. Mine is clearly the healthiest. I don't know. Oh, thank you for saying that.

Oh, nothing gets people into a diner, like a healthy choice. Good job. Yes, if you are going to EJ's luncheon it because you're really feeling like slim and down rush over and get sonas zero gyro hero. I love to pretend not to know. And then yours is what a foreign sandwich, right? What? No, mine's the most patriotic thing. It's called a Maddie melt. Yeah, what's it? What's going on? It's a patty melt with Hawaiian bread. Yeah, calories, calories, death, death. That's what do you mean?

Collestral fat. No, no, no, that's not the way to go after it. Come on, let me do it. No, that gets people into the tent. No, this is America. You forgot where you were. But it's New York. People care in New York.

They walk, they're healthy. They work out. Hawaii became a state very late in the game. I got that, and I'm just going game. I just gonna say that's better. That's like the last star on the flag. That's the bread you want. I want a leave. Go ahead. Based in New York with Hawaiian bread, I'm covering not only the continental United States, but practically Hawaii and Alaska. Please with horn beef. I am covering, I mean, just all cultures. You know, yes, yes. The Jewish people, the Irish people done. That's it. I'm sorry. The Greeks are responsible for our whole civilization. Are you kidding? You're a lot of the Constitution. Okay. First of all,

what did you say the Greeks did? They're like responsible for like modern type of civilization. Yeah, what have they done lately? Right? Except seal the bunch of money. Yeah Sultry. I don't know. They attack sell you know what Socrates kept all of his money in a tax shelter. Okay. That was his big advice to his students. All right great. Great. Shelter your money. He said Okay. That was his big advice to his students. All right. Great. Great. Shelter your money, he said. Oh, well. Same thing with Plato.

Yeah. Because the US is doing great, you guys. What did you say? Yeah. The US is doing great. What did you say? Which is like that. Yeah. Okay.

Well, guess what? Your gyro, I think, is plummeted. Because it's healthy and it's inventor hates America. Oh, I would say, hey, give the Conan O'Brien a try. EJ is luncheonette. Is it hard? EJ is luncheon. It's a hard. EJ is luncheon.

That just go on by, check it out. The Conan O'Brien. Oh, come on. Corn beef, coleslaw. Here's my message. I say it, listener. Eat whatever you think sounds delicious. Be you, be you.

Don't fall prey to sway. Don't fall prey to sway. Eat, eat the meat. Don't fall prey to sway. Don't fall prey to sway. Eat, eat the meat. I will. Don't fall prey to sway. Eat the meat. I'll take a selfie with you. I'll give you a quick hello. I'm easy to spot in New York.

If you think you see Jane Lynch wearing a red wig, that's me. If you do by mine, you don't have to take a selfie. It was a con. You can get out of it. All right. Thank you, Jane. I think we accomplished. All right. Thank you, Jay. I think we accomplished a lot there and thanks to J. Elmore for selling cramie sandwiches in our image.

And there's a very good chance that this saga will actually have quite a resolution possibly even in the flesh. Yes. Yeah. I know what you're talking about, more later. Why don't we get a piece of these sandwiches? Sorry, I know we ended it, but why don't we get paid for a piece of these sandwiches?

Like, we should get a check. No, no check. No. Nobody else. No, we're not doing this for money. Oh, what are we doing? We can floor. Real estate.

Real estate. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by The White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino, take it away, Jimmy.

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