Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Rest In Pee Wee

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Conan speaks with Maureen from Michigan about working as a taxidermist and how and where she would pose a taxidermied Conan.  Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hi there, Maureen, meet Konan and Sonan. Wait a minute. What the hell was that? Oh my god, Matt.

Matt, what happened? I think we were talking and she showed up and I just had to switch midstream and I couldn't do it. Oh, Matt. Wow, yeah. Amazing. We never know when the guest is going to pop in so we were just chatting and clearly Matt lost his mind. Let me handle this. Maureen, it's very nice to meet you.

Hi, nice to meet you guys too. And there's so much to talk about. I'm just getting the visual. Let me explain to our listeners that you seem to be in a room that looks very rustic. It looks like it's made of a lot of pine and then behind you looks like lots of feathers, animal bones I see. Not even just behind you, it's in your hair. And then you've got something in your hair. I couldn't tell if those are feathers or what's going on.

Maureen, the visual demands an explanation. So please tell us where are you? First of all, you're coming to us from which part of the world? Spring Arbor, Michigan. Spring Arbor, Michigan. Yep. And are you in a cabin or a rural area? I am in a rural area.

We just got internet out here. Hey. Yeah. For real? For real, yeah. Whoa. Yeah, it's a real shit show. And...

Are you okay? Do you need help? Yeah. Well, I hear all these NPR stories about these people who don't have internet and I'm those people. Yeah. But you know what? There's an upside to it. I mean, I don't know that Thoreau was quite happy when he walked away from the world.

For a lot of people, swear by it. And so you may decide after checking out our podcast and talking to us that you don't want internet anymore. I started doing some really weird shit when I didn't have internet. Exhibits A, B, and C. So I don't know. Well, tell us, I'm curious what's going on behind you. What is it that you do? These bones I see behind you and it looks like, I don't know, eagle feathers and...

Nope, that's illegal. Oh, did I say eagle feathers? You can say it. You just can't have them. Yeah. So those are not eagle feathers. I will point out to people. You're not going around killing eagles.

Good. No. Well, tell us, what is it? What do you do? So I work for a taxidermist. Oh. Yes. That makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah. And the feathers you see behind me, that's my former best friend, Peewee, that my mom ran over and I didn't want to say goodbye. And so I taxidermied him with my boss. Wait. And just, what was Peewee? Peewee was a peacock. Okay.

Oh, God. Okay. I thought you ran over your friend Peewee. Yeah. And he happened to be wearing an exotic coat when you ran into him. Very friendly. No. So that's a peacock behind you that's been taxidermied.

Your mother, how do you accidentally run over the most visible animal in the world? I mean, it's like peacock walking traffic signal. Yeah. It's insane. You can't, oh, I didn't see that peacock. Well, she claimed she didn't, but so he really hated her. I think he could sense that I loved her. Wait, you suspect foul play?

No, not on her part. In her defense. Wait, who hated who? The peacock hated your mother? Peewee hated my mom and my husband. Right. And how did this manifest itself? Did he attack them or was it mostly threatening letters?

No, it was. He attacked. Dear sir. Written with my own plumage quill. So wait, so. He wrote it with this. These are his feet. Right here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Maureen. He's now holding up some taxi-dermied peacock feet. Yeah. I'm really worried when your husband passes away. He'll be made into a coffee table. Hey, his feet could be door stoppers.

Yeah. I'm just saying, what better way to hold a door open? That's a great idea. I'll see his husband's petrified feet. I like it. So anyway, you suspect that maybe the bird attacked your mother? Well, I watched it and heard it. You watched it?

Yeah, it was terrible. I drank for weeks. How old were you? It was just a year ago last week. Yeah. I'm sober now, so it's cool. But it was very traumatic. It was awful.

I'm all joking aside. I'm seeing an animal that you love get killed. My daughter saw it. Her friend saw it. It was bad. Oh, boy. But then you taxidermied. Isn't that emotionally difficult to taxidermy an animal

that you have a connection with? So for some reason, so that's why I started doing it, because I don't deal with death well. So I just can't let them go and having them around. I know they're not literally still in there, but having their body still around helps me deal with it. And so when I taxidermy them, they're still with me. And I don't know.

No, I understand that. And I'm sure that's been, no, but I do. That's actually been, I mean, historically, that's all throughout mankind, trying to figure out ways to keep people with us. And loved ones with us. I mean, the Egyptians did that. I think the Egyptians not only mummified their rulers

and the wealthy, but they also mummified, I believe, cats, pets. Yeah, yeah, they did. Yeah. So, and they were right about just about everything. I mean, we all live in pyramids now. Right. So, but I'm curious, who taught you how to taxidermy?

Is it a hard thing to learn? Oh, I mean, I'm still learning. And just today at work, my boss, so my boss's name is Mark Ditzel. And he is Ted Nugent's taxidermy taxidermist. And I love that. Wait a minute. You can't just toss off a sentence like that.

You can't just say, of course. And we all know he's Ted Nugent's taxidermist. Right. I mean, these are normal things, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, I know that Ted Nugent is a big, big into hunting. Yeah.

And is an avid hunter and uses a crossbow. So, what is he taxidermying? Like mostly, what is Ted Nugent killing with a crossbow that you can taxidermy? And that you can talk about. Yeah. Well, I mean, he kills everything, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, whitetail deer, I think that's probably his favorite thing. But once your taxidermy won, why do you need more? That's a good question, Conan. That's an excellent question. I will say in Ted Nugent's defense, and you're not going to hear anyone say that these days, but I shot a remote that Ted Nugent was in many, many, many, many, many years ago.

And he was very nice to me. And he, I saw his operation and he eats at the time anyway. Yeah. He consumes all the meat of any deer. If he kills the deer, he does it in the most humane way possible. And then he eats all the meat. And the meat that he, at least he was doing this at the time, the meat, the extra meat, he froze and donated to homeless shelters.

Yes. Which I thought was cool. Still doesn't. Yeah. So, I mean, I know that there's... There's some political stuff I'm not down with, but, you know, it is what it is, whatever. Yeah.

There are people that Ted Nugent probably wants to have taxidermied. Yeah, maybe. Because of their political views. That's not cool. But so anyway, I don't know what's involved in taxidermying. Is it unpleasant work? Is there an odor when you're boiling down an animal? Whatever it is you do.

Do you boil them down? Do you put them in a pot? What happens? I have no idea. I'm being honest. I don't know. Oh. So, I don't have a sense of smell.

Oh. Yeah. I lost it. I had a concussion when I was 13 and lost my sense of taste and smell permanently. So. Oh my God. No, it's really helpful because my shit don't stink. And nobody else's shit stinks.

So, you know, it's great. And yeah, you can eat at any fast food. You can go to a Long John Silver's and have a perfectly enjoyable time. That is totally right. Yes. Yes. So. Hey, I'll have more of these fish sticks.

Yep. And I'm just going to finish eating them in the women's room. So, so when you're, when you're, there is probably an odor. I'm sure there is. And a lot of, like I work with, I work with two marks, my boss, and then the other mark. And the other mark, sometimes he's like, oh gosh, and he'll get like a little nauseous over smells. And I just don't.

Doesn't bother you. I can't smell anything. So I started off boiling heads because that's the grossest thing to get the meat off because you do when you're doing, they're called European mounts. And it's just the skull. And that's probably the worst smell because it's, you know, flesh and all the, all the, when the fur is boiling off. Yeah.

Doesn't bug me. I don't, you know, like one time I was boiling zebra skull and I even tried some of the meat because I'm like, that looks really good. And it was not delicious, but I thought I'd try it. I'm so glad you said that because I was going to have zebra for lunch. Yeah. It wasn't. I was, I was weighing whether or not it was going to.

You got to try it. I was going to have postmates deliver it, but now I'm not going to order it. Yeah, don't bother. Don't bother. So wait, I just love, I mean, first of all, you have the best sentences. You'll say things like, well, of course my friend who we all know is Ted Nugent's taxidermist or. Yeah.

The other human existence. Yeah. The other day I'm boiling a zebra's head. Who says that? That's crazy. And then you actually, you grabbed a piece of flesh and popped it in your mouth. Out of the boiling terrain of boiling zebra head, you just grabbed some pulled zebra or how did that work?

Yeah. I cut a piece off with my scalpel and just, you know, I would totally do that. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Thank you. A second ago, Sona, a second ago you were covering your mouth of all of us who were the

most squeamish. And now you're saying, oh, I'd grab some of that zebra jerky. I will be like, oh, this is really gross. It smells terrible. But I could, I could eat a little bit of this. I would. Yeah. Yes.

I've been, yeah. Sona, I could, I believe you. I do believe you. And what if I never buy a zebra head again and never get the opportunity? You will be. Don't worry. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't strain. Don't worry about that. Matt's right. If I'm never around a zebra head tomorrow, cut to next Thursday. Whoa. Three zebra heads boiling in my kitchen. Oh, I can't do that in the kitchen anymore. My husband won't let me.

He's right. He has a sense of smell. No, I would never. You know what's, you know what's weird is if you come into your kitchen, you just never know because either you're making up a delicious beef stew or you've got an armadillo that you're melting and, and who knows? You can't just, you can't just dip us. I would not just dip a spoon into any pot on your stove.

I would ask a lot of questions first. I think some promises. Do you ever reuse the same pot? Like you, you boil down an ostrich one day and then the next day. Yeah. You kind of rinsed out the pan, but not really. And then you're making up some dinty more stew for your husband. Does that ever happen?

No, but I will eat stuff and put it down on the very table that I've just skinned some horrific things and then. I would do that too. Pick the food off of it and like, we all do that in the shop. We, yeah, we're like. Is it true that COVID started with you? Is that what happened? Because everything you're describing is what we're, is what we're not supposed to be doing.

And you've got scientists all over the world saying, wait a minute, how did this jump from animal to human? And, and there are all these suspicions about, you know, could it have been in this southern part of China and a wet market? And then suddenly you're going to see the CDC is going to start saying, you know what? There's this rural part of Michigan. Oh my gosh. It makes sense.

Like just denied COVID so hard. See, it's back to debt. So what if it all started with Ted Nugent? Oh, that makes sense now. Yeah. Is he, I'll bet he's a COVID denier too. And he's probably like. Until he got it.

The lady don't protest too much. Yeah. He wasn't a COVID denier. He just thought masks were unnecessary because you could kill COVID with a crossbow. I think that was his, he maintained that just one good shot with a crossbow, you could take that and fuck her out. He also had a mustache that filtered out COVID like a bailing whale. He had 40 pounds.

He had 40 pounds of COVID in his mustache at any given time. Oh, Matt, that was good. It was a good one, Matt. I haven't heard the word bailing since middle school when I learned about the whales. I know. Yes. Wow. I feel like I use that word every three weeks.

Well, we're not all impressed. Conan's not impressed. I'm sorry. I use the word bailing three times this morning. Mores. Yeah. God. But it was just me mispronouncing Shailene Woodley's name.

I don't see what that bailing Woodley sees in Aaron Rodgers. People are like, dad, it's Shailene. What, Bailene? Is she still with him or did they break up? Dad. Well, Maureen, I would like to meet you in person someday. I really would, but I don't want you to murder me and then taxidermy me. How would you pose Conan if you did taxidermy him?

Well, I would definitely pose you nude. Oh, definitely? Yeah, dad, there's no negotiation on this. You don't want to think about that? No. Well, there was an episode where... What's your reasoning for a nude Conan? Well, there was an episode where you talked about the hard left lean and the switched

balls. You really got to work on that. Aren't you glad you have Wi-Fi now, by the way? Definitely. You'd have your hands on your hips. Oh, I see. You could, yeah, legs akimbo, arms on hips. Yep, chest up.

I know what it is. It's a stuffed naked Conan with his big old guy going straight to the left and it's the entrance statue to the Conan library, so it's like turned left here. Beautiful. Oh, good. Yeah, go left. People were like, how do I, where's the entrance? Oh, I see what's where it's pointing.

Oh, come on. That was good. This is worse than the boiling head thing. I can't... This is going to be... This is awful. It's beautiful. He could be clothed.

You should be clothed. I think it's clothing optional. I think it depends on what... You know what? It depends on what day of the week. And maybe there's a certain day of the week where I'm nude in front of the Conan library. Oh, adult night. Adult night, ladies night.

Yeah. Which of course will translate to absolutely no ladies night. Close. We'd noticed it on ladies night. Not only do no ladies come, but nobody comes. Do you think you could have anything to do with the naked Conan statue pointing towards the entrance? Well, Maureen, it's really nice talking to you and I'm fascinated by what you do.

I could not do it, but God bless you. And I am sorry about your peacock. I know that that was... Thanks. Sounds like that was a traumatic time for you, but it sounds like you're doing a lot better now. Yes. Yes.

And he's still with me. Yeah. He's right there. Yeah. Little pee-wee. Yes. Murder victim of your mother's rage. That's right.

Sorry, but I'm pretty sure your mom did it on purpose. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. That probably undid your year of... The sobriety. Forget I said anything. Hey, Maureen. Really nice talking to you and take care of yourself.

All right. Thanks. Nice to meet you guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff

Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vavino, supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production, in association with Stitcher.