Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Roller Girl

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

Conan talks to Rose from Tennessee about the roller derby scene and her professional life as an exterminator. Plus, Conan shares which historical figure he’d like to be murdered by.Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Rose, meet Conan and David. Hi! Hi there, Rose. Hi.

How are you? I am amazing. I get to meet Conan O'Brien today. How much more cool is this? Well, if you ask people in my household... They don't count. You get a very different answer. But it's so nice to get your enthusiasm.

Yes. I'll say that. Where are you, Rose? Where are you talking to me from? I actually live in the Smoky Mountains out in East Tennessee. Oh, that's Dolly Parton country. Yes, it is. She's from the old Smoky Mountains.

Do you live anywhere near Dollywood? Yeah, not too far. I'm on the other side of Knoxville. But I'm probably about an hour and a half from Dollywood. Do people... The only thing I know about Knoxville is that you guys had like a World Fair in 19... I'm gonna say 1981 or 82.

Mm-hmm. And it was a huge deal, right? Yes, we still have the World's Fair park over there. Is it all kind of crumbling now? Yeah, pretty much. The old men hang around there and go, yeah, yeah, it was quite the World's Fair. You should have seen it.

It was 82. We used to actually play roller derby games there at the World's Fair Convention Center. Wait a minute, roller derby, are you into roller derby? Yeah, I played for 10 years. You played, so you were one of those roller derby women? Yep, I actually played on an all men's team too for 10 years. I was the only woman.

Wow. Or for two years. How could it have been all men? It was all men with the exception of Rose. Yes. Okay. Sorry, Matt, if you're just gonna get tripped up by the smallest things. I'm also just distracted by the fact

that you have a signed photo of Chewbacca back there, a framed signed photo. Yeah, behind you, I'm gonna say two things. Yeah, you have a signed photo of Chewbacca behind you and one of the most active cats I've ever seen on Zoom. Yes. Your cat is, let me describe this for our listeners, your cat is in the background and constantly moving,

now it's cleaning its paw, but a minute ago, and now it's washing its face with its paw, but a minute ago it was moving back and forth and I think it was sawing something and hammering something. It was like Wiley Coyote when he's building a trap for the Road Runner. I mean, I gotta get stuff done somehow in this house though. Chewbacca photo is like, you guys are lovers and he's away on a mission and looking like a bedside table version of it.

Yeah, exactly. It's a very romantic photo of Chewbacca. I'll be seeing you soon, right? If you get it real close, you see the kiss mark, you know, on the corner there. Listen, I'm gonna do my best, despite Matt Gurley's insistence on getting us off track. Sorry. You mentioned that you were on a roller derby team and this fascinates me because I have never in my life spoken to anyone

who's a watched roller derby or been in roller derby and I've seen obviously the clips of people just wiping each other out. You're on roller skates, you're in this big rink. It looks incredibly intense. How many years did you do that for? I did it for 10 years. I did it 2010 was when I joined and started out in Salem, Oregon for Cherry City Roller Derby and played there for some years and then played on the Portland men's roller derby team out in Oregon

for a couple years and then now I'm part of the Hard Knocks Roller Girls in Knoxville. Okay, well, first of all, I know that it's an extremely physical sport. I mean, the goal is kind of to take other people out, right? Yes, it's like football on roller skates, but you don't have all the padding like the football players do. Right, right. It's like football looks like the wimpiest sport in the world compared to roller derby. Now, did you have a signature move when you were doing,

did you have a character? Is it like wrestling where you had like a persona? Yes, I actually came up with Armored Rose in my derby name and it's just more encompasses like a superhero for me because it was my alter ego to be somebody different on the track than a mom of three boys and, you know, so I wanted something cool and my favorite move was skating backwards while the opponent's coming towards me and I'd wait at the right moment and I would dip down

and then lift up in their chest and they would just go flying and it was my favorite. I'm just looking you up right now. You killed seven people. I did. I did. Yeah, did you ever have little kids while you were doing this and did you ever roller derby while one of your infants was in a baby bear and strapped to your chest? When I did start, my middle son was one years old,

so he'd actually be in a little baby car seat on the side of the track while I would be skating and practicing. That's hilarious. You stay here, Egbert. Mama's going to get in. Mama's going to become her alter ego armored rose and kill some people. Yes, exactly. That's incredible. Yeah.

Okay, now your cat behind you is really cleaning its private areas. It's cleaning its egg, Bert. Yeah, exactly. This has become, it's an only fan site. I usually have to pay for this. I know. We are going to have to pay. This is some good cat porn we're watching right now. And this is actually my son's room, so. Well, that would make, it's starting to make sense.

Yes. Your son is having a romantic affair. With Chewbacca. With Chewbacca. So, okay, you did this. This is an incredibly physical, even violent sport. Did you ever get hurt? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Within the first year and a half, I broke both ankles. And then a few years later, I blew out my ACL and my left leg and had to get that reconstructed. And then about a year and a half ago, I blew out my right ACL and had to get that one. Because I've had three years. Do your doctors ever suggest maybe no more roller derby? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. But you're not listening to them. No. Why would I? Yeah. Right. It's like when my doctors tell me maybe lay off the comedy. It has nothing to do with my health. They're just not fans.

I'm like, what does that have to do with my liver? And they're like, I just don't like it. You seem needy. You'd be helping my health. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, wow, this is so impressive, Rose, that you do this roller derby maniac. I have a quick question.

Does anyone ever think, this is something I would do, probably. At a certain point, if you've had a lot of injuries, has anyone ever had their feet amputated and wheels just put right onto the bottom bones? I mean, it's been talked about. Has it been? Oh, come on. Please. I would do that.

You know what I would do? I would take the casters off of an office chair and I would have my feet removed and then casters put surgically. You should put them on each toe. And then you can just, like, add color. There you go. All right. Well, okay, I'll split this idea with you when the royalties pour in.

There you go. You're wearing a, I can't see exactly, but I'm seeing that you're, you're wearing straps. Yes, you're wearing straps like a tank top so I can see that you have a hard knocks, KNOX T-shirt, but you also have incredible tattoo art on your chest. Art everywhere. I mean, I have tattoos and all kinds of stuff going on. It's really beautiful. Thank you.

I spent good money on it so it better last. You know what I do? I always look for the cheapest tattoos I can get. You know, for me, it's all about cost-effective. There you go. I have to say, that is one area where I would not, you know, I'm not looking for a bargain with sushi or tattoos. Do you know what I mean?

You don't eat gas station sushi? Yeah, or eye surgery. Hey, what do you charge? You've got the lowest rate. Okay, great. I'll take it. Okay, so I've learned a lot about you and how do you, how do you earn a living? You can't earn a living probably doing roller derby, I'm guessing.

It's very unheard of. Unfortunately, it's a sport that you pay to play, so it's just recreational. I'm actually an exterminator for a small family-owned business in Knoxville named Pest Ops. And so I kill bugs and rodents and all kinds of stuff all day, and I'm the only woman in the company as well. Again, you sort of seem to thrive in environments where you're the only woman. And I love it. I'm curious, do you wear roller skates and attack the bugs?

You know, I wish I could. Do you use any of the same? Do you tackle them? Just squash them as you roll them by. Exactly. That'd be great if that was your system for killing rodents. We have a line of ants going from the sink to the front porch, can you? They just roll straight down.

Yeah, someone's like, what's going on down there? All the exterminators down there. They just hear crashing. Smash. Perplash. Wow, an exterminator. I have to say, I admire, I mean, first of all, exterminators are much in need. I don't know that I could do that job, you know?

I don't think you could either. I mean, I love you, but I really don't think you could cut it. Wait a minute. Okay, well, now I'm pissed, Rose. What do you mean I couldn't cut it? How couldn't I cut it? Well, I just haven't. Why do you say that about me?

Let's say I hadn't said that. Conan, there's a spider coming down. He's out. I have a vision of you running and screaming with your little backpack sprayer, you know, up and down the lawn. Your little backpack sprayer. Well, okay. It's a little door of the Explorer.

I want that sprayer. Maybe we can get you a pink one. So I'm a cowardly door of the Explorer. Well, I'm not saying you're wrong. I mean, I'm mad at you for calling me out on it. You'll get over it. But I think I will. Rose, I love that you have tough love.

You've had your legs replaced 35 times. Yes, exactly. So you're in no mood to cuddle a random idiot that you're talking to. That's true. I think I would be creeped out by it. Now, you know, what's interesting to me is that I'm not a fan of a bug in my regular civilian life, but for many years on television, I had to hold reptiles and rodents and bugs during segments like that, those sort of animal segments.

And if it was in front of an audience, I didn't have any fear. I don't know why, but if I thought it could be funny, I'd put a bug in my mouth. I'd hold a, I'd wrap a snake around my neck. I just, I did stuff that was probably looking back on it really stupid, but I have none of that bravery when there's no audience. I don't know what that's all about. And that's, I think that's what drives me working with men, especially is feeling like I need to prove myself in some form.

Like when I had first applied for the job, my husband just cackled and was like, you can't do that. And I was like, bitch, watch, hold my beer. I'm gonna do this. Good for you. Well, I have to say, Rose, I do not think you need to prove yourself to anybody. You've done it. You have done.

Yeah, you have never, ever in your life. I mean, you're a very impressive, you're a warrior. You're a warrior, Rose. So I respect you and I'll be honest, I also fear you. If I was a rat in the basement and you came down there, I would be terrified. Do you do rats in mice or just bugs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do rodents.

Nothing bigger than a rat, you know, anything bigger than that. You have to call wildlife to come take care of that. Have you ever fought it out with a rat in person or is it always just, you know, leaving some poison cheese behind? Poison cheese. I'm sorry, that's how I... Just assume that's how it's done. Here, rat, have some cheese.

I feel like you would get hungry at some point and think, hey, I'll be fine. I'll take a little nibble. Probably would. I probably would. I'd say, I don't think I would die. I would just bleed out of every orifice for a while. I call that a Thursday. So what, you know, what's your...

Did you ever encounter one like you're looking at it and it's looking at you and it's go time or is it always leave the glue trap or whatever and take off? Yeah, it's mostly just leaving bait around. I've seen ones that have gotten into my bait and kind of just staring at me. They, you know, are pretty lethargic and they'll look at you and all you could say is, sorry buddy, just keep walking. Right. But nothing physical yet.

Right. I think I'd carry a handgun if I was an extra. There you go. I mean, that's quick and painless, right? I mean, for myself. Oh, okay, okay. Wait, just take a minute. I saw something.

He's out. I'd shoot myself. A water bug. Ka-plang. First day on the job. Yeah. How can I help you, Rose? You must have a question for me.

I'm a very wise man. How are you? Oh, for God's sake. Oh, okay, sorry. Rose. Sorry. I'm raising a bunch of boys. I got to be witty and keep them on their toes, you know?

Oh, yeah. Sure. So, okay, so my question is, I'm a true crime buff like yourself and I know that you're super into history and you've said in the past, you know, if you were to die, you'd love to have a big murder mystery, you know, who killed Conan. Yeah. My question is if- Let me just be clear really quickly, Rose.

I'm not asking people listening right now to kill me. No, no, no, no. If anyone's confused, I don't want that to happen. I very much love life and I want to be around and see my kids grow up and one day have grandchildren. So, I'd like to be here. All I have said is that if my time were to come rather than just going in some sort of run-of-the-mill way, you know, I would think like, oh, yeah, to be the subject of just a classic murder case, wouldn't that be something, you know, and everyone's speculating about

what happened to me, but then I show up later on and I'm still alive and it turns out I'm the murderer. Okay, anyway, what you got? What's your question? Well, my question is if a historical figure could come back from the dead to murder you, who would it be and how would such crime happen? Oh, I love it. Well, okay, I would love it if Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln, who's one of my favorite historical

figures, our 16th president, if he came back to life and if he, for some reason, was irritated with me, maybe he heard the podcast and really just couldn't take it anymore, just hated the sound of my voice. But if Lincoln were to come in and shoot me while I was watching a movie in a multiplex, I would love to be shot from behind by Lincoln. I would like Lincoln to do to me what Booth did to Lincoln, but I'm watching one of the Marvel movies because my kids made me go and I don't understand what the fuck is going on because there's 35 rings and 45 stones.

It must be reunited. And your dreadful portal that opens up. And the portal opens and then some Glorogars and Glingars come out. That portals how Lincoln gets there in the first place. Yeah, Lincoln comes out of the portal and I'm watching it and I'm totally zoning out at this Marvel movie, which is way too complicated and the writers couldn't come up with a real plot, so they just put nine portals in there and Lincoln sneaks up behind me and gets a seat behind me and he's eating raisinettes and popcorn and then he finally just he lets

me have it. I think getting shot while watching a Marvel movie by Lincoln, it's just a circle that's completed, don't you think? That's pretty good, yeah. I think so. I think that's good. What if you were watching a documentary of Abraham Lincoln while he shoots you? Oh, but then Lincoln was going to shoot me, but then he got too, he's such a, he's so

into himself, he'd get too wrapped up in his documentary and he'd be like, oh yeah, that's a good angle. I like that photo and then he'd forget to do it and then I'd notice that Lincoln was behind me and I'd notice that he had a gun. You would because the documentary would continue on and it would get to the point where he's behind you in the theater and you'd see them on screen. Oh, yes. I'm watching the documentary.

He's watching the documentary and then the documentary catches up to the current moment where he's got a derringer and has come into the multiplex to shoot me. And it ends with Ken Burns just saying, Conan Duck. Conan Duck and just then I duck and then Ken Burns drops out of the ceiling and he's like a ninja. He starts fighting Lincoln. Boy, this is stupid. But that's your answer, Rose.

There you go. It's amazing. There you have it. You know what, Rose? One more thing. I know our viewers can't see this, but that cat has been pulling focus behind you the whole time. I know.

I mean, I've never seen a more active look. It's like he knows. He's always on the go. He's always cleaning himself or batting at something or moving around. I hate to break your heart, but it's a girl. She needs to be on Adderall. I think she needs to be medicated, that cat, because that cat is way too hyper. It's the lava lamp.

Well, Rose, it was a delight talking to you. Oh, you made a dream come true, Conan. I've loved you ever. No, you're seriously, you're very seriously cool and so much cooler than I could ever imagine being. And so I'm glad to know that you're out there kicking ass, taking names, killing bugs, gliding through the roller derby of life, and it's a pleasure, pleasure to meet you. Yes, you too, Conan.

All right, you take care, Rose. Hi, Matt. Bye, David. Bye. See you later. See you later, Hyperactive Cat. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Beckton, please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.