Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Ron Funches

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

Comedian Ron Funches feels grateful and excited to be Conan O’Brien’s friend.Ron and Conan sit down this week to talk about idolizing Dwayne Johnson, losing weight, having a deceptive voice, and the best place to get their toes done. Plus, Conan and Sona reveal the results of the Christmas puppy drawing contest.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Campaign Monitor (www.campaignmonitor.com/CONAN), Palm (www.palm.com), Fracture (www.fractureme.com/CONAN), Robinhood (CONAN.Robinhood.com), Stitch Fix (www.stitchfix.com/CONAN), HotelTonight (www.hoteltonight.com), and ButcherBox (www.butcherbox.com/CONAN).

Hi! Hi, my name is Ron Funches and I feel grateful and excited about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I've always wanted to be. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the show where I use basically a podcast to meet people, see if they'll be my friend, or talk to friends and wonder why we're not better friends. It's a scam, really, but one that seems to be working. I'm here with my trusty assistant, Sonam of Sassian. Hey, Sona.

Hi! You think I'm a pretty cool guy, right? And my producer, Matt Gorley. Hi. Thank you, Matt. You were the glue that holds this thing together. I'm trying. You really are.

You were the gums. You're the fleshy red gums that hold the teeth in alignment. You're covered in saliva and you're prone to disease. Anyway, today's guest is a hilarious comedian and also a terrific, terrific human being. I just toured with him. His name is Ron Funches. My podcast is at my house and my mom brings you coffee. Will you do it?

I will do it. Nice! You know, I want to point out to people that I've been touring with you and I just spent, I don't know, almost a week with you and got to know you really well. I've always known you, always loved your comedy. I love you as a comic and I love your voice, both your actual voice and your view of the world. You do this thing as a comedian that is so rare. You almost start your act by saying, I like to talk about things that make me happy.

I like to talk about positive things. And so many comics come out and they have an axe to grind. They're talking about what's wrong with the world. And you just talk about things that make you happy and it's hilarious. It's really funny, but it's a completely unique approach. It's just what I like to do, especially when I realized the job was saying the same jokes over and over and over again. I was like, I don't want to go out there and be angry every night and manufacture some anger. And that doesn't mean I try to shy away from negative aspects of my life.

In general, my viewpoint and the perspective I try to keep is what is the positive of the situation. I tried to write my jokes about that. And one of my favorite jokes when I was first starting out was just this joke I wrote about the time where I was crossing the street from my apartment to a convenience store. And I was stuck in the middle of this intersection and this guy just yelled at me and was like, use the crosswalk inward. And so to me, you're like, oh, there's nothing negative, nothing positive about that. But I took a joke about that and I was like, oh, he's just worried about my safety. He just would really prefer he doesn't want to hit me. He's racist.

Yeah. But he is concerned for your safety. Yes. So, OK. So there's some positive there. He's a safety conscious racist. Yes. You really did find this overlining.

You know, it's funny, too, because you come out as a, when you hit the stage as a comic, it's so interesting because the things you're talking about are things that you wouldn't guess at all from looking at you. Like you say, I love professional wrestling. I didn't know that. It's not something I would have assumed that you loved, that you love professional wrestling and you delight in professional wrestling. I think you really believe it's the greatest form of entertainment in the history of the world. Yes. It's the best. And it's the most open as far as like, look, we're fake.

You know, we're not real. We're a fake fight. And overall, we're all just working together to entertain people and we're not trying to hurt each other. And that makes way more sense than something like UFC or boxing where you're like, we're legitimately trying to hurt each other. And then that's why these people end up doing five or six fights and then they have to retire. And it's just like, why don't you just do 30 years of fake fights and make more money? It makes sense to me. Yeah.

More entertaining to me. I don't want you getting hurt. It's not entertaining to me. Right. It's like the show is entertaining to me. Right. So that's how I look at it. You also, you idolize Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Yeah. But I mean, a lot of people do, but you have, he's like a godlike figure to you. Yeah. Just because he did so many great things in wrestling. He's the best wrestler ever because he became extremely popular at wrestling. And then he left and did movies and then was great at that. And then never had to come back. He still wrestles when he wants to, but he doesn't have to go back.

He didn't need the money and he, he took his, a lot of wrestlers, you know, they, they get hot and they get a little bit of fame, but they, they don't know how to handle their money and they never transition into something else. And he was one of the first people that was like, I'm going to take these same skills that make me great in wrestling and I'm going to apply those to acting and I'm going to do roles that people don't expect me to do. I'm not just going to do action movies. I'm going to do all types of movies.

He was a tooth fairy. He was a tooth fairy, but he did, I mean, he did a lot of things. And I think get shorty had a really small cameo role, but it was really good. We played a really against type. And I was just, that's when I was like, oh, he is taking this seriously. Do you like him in the Fast and Furious movies? I do. You do.

Well, I learned to like them now because my son loves them so much. Well, you know what I realize is the secret to those movies, especially as they progress. Once you get to four, five, six, seven, I think they're on 55 now. But the thing I learned about those movies is watch them as comedies. And they are absolutely fucking laugh out loud, hilarious. And there's a scene in particular that I was watching it. I think maybe I was talking to you about this. There's a scene in, I think it's maybe two Fast and Furious movies ago before they

battled a submarine with cars. But there was a scene where the rock and Vin Diesel, and this might be the beginning of where you can tell they don't like each other. But the rock and Vin Diesel have to be saying goodbye to each other at the end of the movie. And they're chin to chin almost staring at each other, but each looking past each other while they're having a conversation. And you need to go and look at that. I think it might be, it is one of the most amazing, they made a choice.

And I think it was, they, neither character, each character thought they were too cool to look at the other character. So they're looking past each other, but their faces are almost touching. And I've never seen two humans interact like that before. It's beautiful. I just want to, it's not beautiful. It's crazy. Just the behind the scenes on that type of set.

There's so many egos on the Fast and Furious set, I imagine. I'd love to see it. I'd love to see it. You're going to, I'm going to say something and you're going to think I'm crazy. Please. I shot something with the rock. I shot a remote with him. I want to say about nine months ago.

It was during a period when I was working out hard and the rock showed up. And I swear to God, I think I could take him in a fight. And I was looking at him and I was thinking I'm going to go for it. I think I could take him. I think first of all, I would have surprise. Yeah, you definitely have surprise. No one would see that coming. No one would see that coming.

And I would, I would go, I would go in hard and quick. Like just, and I would, Were you trying to take the leg? No, no, no. I would go, first of all, I'd go for his face because I know that he would be self-conscious. Cause he's a movie star. Yeah. He'd be a little panicked and worried about his face.

So I'd go for the face and then I would just, I would rip through his chest. I would just go through him like a wild animal. I mean, you have that type of look. I feel like there's a part of you that hasn't raged that you're hiding and are not hiding. No, I am a very angry guy. I am a very, you know, people that know me know I'm an angry guy. And then I'm trying to be nice. I really am.

It's just, I'm trying to be good to people. I don't think that's true at all. I don't think that's true at all from the time that we spent together. This last week is one of the reasons why I felt closer to you was that I was like, I think you have to be nice. I think sometimes you don't want to be as nice as you are, but you, you, there's something in you that makes you be nice. And, and I have that in me as well. But I just see the way that you interact with fans after the show. And then when you interact with comedians after the show and there's just, or the fact that we were laying on the flight and then you brought me a pillow.

Like, are you moved a little, no, you didn't brandy brought me a pillow, but you moved the little snacks that were blocking my feet so that I could wrestle a little bit. This is just a nice guy. Oh, I am. I am a nice person. I'm being 100% honest right now. I am a nice person and I credit a lot of that to my mom and also probably somewhat to Catholicism. But she drilled, you know, she drilled into us be nice and I want to make people happy. But sometimes if I think people are taking advantage of a situation or if someone really screws me over or screws over someone I care about, I am capable of immense hatred.

Yeah. And a hatred that lasts a lifetime. That's two sides of a coin though, right? It's like, if you're, if you're able to be so nice and be so giving, there's always going to be that other side of you. I have that with me where, because people are always like, you're so chill and you're so relaxed and you're nice to everybody. But I was like, yeah, but if you cross a certain line to me, it's just, I don't care. I'm not like, oh, I wish for your destruction. Okay. It was just the feeling of like, oh, you're dead to me.

You mean nothing to me. Yeah. And if I cut you out, I cut you out. And it's not, I don't know if that's, I think it's a good skill. It's, it's, it's been used, useful in the past, but sometimes I have to learn now. I think especially with relationships, I learned to not be looking for reasons to cut people out. We're out there on the, are you in the dating world right now? You have a steady girlfriend?

I have a steady girlfriend. She's going to be coming with us on the second part of this trip. She's excited. Oh, good. So I'll get to know her a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. She loves you a lot.

Should I question her about a lot of things? Yeah. Find out about her. I think, uh, tempt her to be like, Hey, leave Ron and come be with me and, and my family. And you want me to do that to test her? Yeah. I want to test her resolve. You know, the problem is I'm not the sexiest guy to dangle in front of.

She doesn't care much for that. I found out. I'm the sexiest guy. Why did you say, wait, why did you just agree with what I put out? Yeah. No, I do agree. You had such an opportunity, you had such an opportunity to go like Conan. No.

But you just, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She doesn't care about that. You'll be fine. Well, if you are a non, just much similar to myself, you are a non-traditional good-looking man. As in like, if you were to ask people what were the features that most people want in a man, you don't really have them. You know what's great?

I could not agree with you more. But you got a hodgepodge mixed together where people are just kind of like, it's like a Picasso where you're like, it looks, what is supposed to look like? So you're thinking God, let's just say that there was a God that created me and he just said like, eh, it's supposed to look like that. Yes. And then he moved on to like Ryan Gosling. It got right.

It more like where he was like, I want to be able to keep an eye on this one. So I'm going to make sure I can see him from far away. Okay. You're very honest. That's the other thing I noticed about. Oh, because of the guitar thing? Oh, God, that killed me. We were, I'll just tell people that are listening now on tour just last week with Ron and one

of the other comics, James Beach, he got a new guitar and he was very excited about it. An acoustic guitar and he was backstage and I have an acoustic guitar. I always have a guitar around just because it calms me down. So we tuned up together just to test out his guitar and we just both started playing something. We were wondering the next thing I know we were, I think we were in a dressing room and you were in there and you were suddenly confronted by these two incredibly pale white guys with acoustic guitars, singing folksy music. Not my first time.

No. I immediately, to my credit, saw the look on your face and knew, oh, we got to get the fuck out of here. So I left. I think James stuck around a little bit, but you then proceeded to go out on stage and talk about it to the audience and it was hilarious. I thought it was really funny. Yeah, it was really fun.

I mean, it was a fun experience because it was just me and Taylor Tomlinson backstage before you got back there and James was just there with his new guitar and he was tuning it up and he was asking requests and Taylor was trying to be sweet. And so she was just like, oh, I can't think of, she also was not having fun. And so she was just trying to be sweet and she was like, I can't think of anything. He was like, Ron, you got any requests? I just go, you're good at this, but to be honest, this just makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, I would do, I remember our head writer, Mike Sweeney, who you know, Mike Sweeney,

years ago on the late night show, it was his first day at work and he was about to leave for the day. And I stepped up to him with an acoustic guitar and started singing in his face. And he said, he didn't know me well enough to know that I was doing it in a joking way to be annoying. He was horrified because there is nothing you can do in that situation when you're confronted by people playing their instrument, even if they're really good, you're, and if you're a comedian, you can't sit there and go like, yeah, man, that's really good.

Yeah, it's pushed you in a bad position because you, especially if you don't know the person, you can just tune everything out. But if you know them at all, it becomes like they're your three year old and you have to sit there and be like, yeah, yeah, play me. Well, you said a really funny thing on stage. Yeah. Are you comfortable repeating it? I'm always comfortable.

Tell people what you said. You went on stage and you described, I said that you, you force us to listen to you play guitar in the dressing room 30 minutes before the show and that I don't fully understand. But now I get the gist of the women who had to deal with Louis C.K. with her. I just had to sit in the corner and be like, oh, well, you were diddling, diddling, diddling. Yeah. Diddling yourself something serious. Well, audience really thought that was funny.

I laughed and went backstage and broke my guitar in half. You know who really liked it? Was that all the staff on the plane? Yeah. And they're like, good. Finally. Let's talk about you, a very inspiring part of your life is that how long ago, about a year and a half ago, two years ago, you just, you lost, you decided I'm going to, I'm going

to lose weight. Yeah. So coming up, it'll be almost three years now. Almost three years now. It was around Thanksgiving three years ago. Yeah. When I was at my heaviest and I was at like 360 pounds and, you know, I always been a heavy person and floating around 300.

And then when I got an undatable and got some money, I always had a lot more options. And so I was able to be just be like, all right, cheesecake for lunch and cheese steak for dinner and just bloomed up and put on another 50 pounds and was up to 360. And that's when we talked on the plane about how my mom was just, she came to visit me and she was like, I don't like buying you clothes this big. And then Bill Lawrence on the show was like, Hey, I noticed you in the gym the first season and then you come back second season and then look like it stuck. So if you, if you want to, if you want more tools about this and you need help, I'll hook

you up with my trainer and then Bill paid for the trainer for the first year and just supported me. And it was really cool. He's a nice guy. He's a very nice guy. I really liked it because, you know, the character on the show was when, when I got the role was like, he's a overweight, like shy guy and then he was just like, look, you're funny. Like, we don't, we don't need you to be this guy.

You can just be yourself and be healthy and that'll be fine. And so you lost all this way. Yeah. And you said, you said you're still, I should probably point out to people, you're drinking a glass of gravy. It's the season. I just never saw. No, it came in cans.

That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a step above eggnog. Yeah. No, cause I, you know, I, it's funny because you said that you're still getting used to your new body.

Oh yeah. Cause you told me to set up straight. Yeah. I'm very, I'm always giving my son, telling him like, come on, your posture. And I saw you like slumped over at one point and I, and I just was kidding around. And I was like, come on, sit up straight, you and you said, well, I'm getting used to my new body and I thought, oh, no, I just, cause again, I was like, oh yeah. Thank you.

Because it is just the truth. Like it was one of the reasons why I started going to wrestling school for a little bit was so that I could throw my body around and figure out where it ends and begins. And even now, like when I go to work out and I'm doing setups and my trainer goes to pick me up, I like reach back and like, you know, try to brace myself as if I'm heavier, like I can't get up. And he's like, and he'll stop me and he'll go like, just get up. You can get up.

You're not that heavy. Just get up. And I have to remember that. And you've, you've found it to be advantageous in your sex life. Yeah. Yeah. I can pick people up. I can go longer and have fun.

Um, and I mean, but what's great. Pick people up. I don't do. I don't pick people up. Oh, I mean, what are you talking about? You gotta have stronger arm. No, it's not because I can't. I wouldn't know what to do.

What does that mean? Pick them up. Pick them up and carry them and place them on yourself. Oh. Yeah. I would, that would never occur to me to do that. Well, I mean, I was feeling adventurous for sure. It didn't last long and put her down, but she was very excited about the time.

She liked that you could pick her up. Yeah, she did. Yeah. And you said that you're having sex standing up. Yeah. That's a big thing too. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I mean. Pick her up. Oh, you picked her up and then you're acting out. Okay. I'm not even sure. Do you need me to stand? Can you pick me up and show me exactly? I would need, for that to happen, I would need a series of pulleys and straps.

I didn't think I could do it, but I was feeling brave. Yeah. And it happened. Wow. Yeah. That's like you were in the moment of just raw passion. Yeah. And power.

You know, such a powerful tool you have is your voice. Your voice is so disarming. You're so likable. You're one of the most likable performers that I've encountered, which is why I was so happy when you agreed to go on the tour with me. Did you always like your voice? Did people? No.

No, of course not. Especially being, you know, a black kid from Chicago, having a sweet little voice wasn't the, you know, wasn't ideal. It made you a target for anything. And a lot of people made a fun of me for it, but that's, I mean, that's one of the lessons I learned quickly was things that people make fun of you for and are usually the things that set you apart and the things that you can then use to your advantage later. You told me this once, you used to use your voice a lot.

You had a job working for a bank and people would only know you through the phone. Isn't that right? Yeah. And, and, and you said that your voice deceived people sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes they thought I was a Southern lady and I would just play it out. You would not disabuse them of that notion. You would let them believe that you were a Southern lady.

They would just, cause, you know, I would be like, I'm Ron, but eventually they'd just hear Rhonda and they're like, Oh, thank you, Rhonda. You're so nice. I'm like, Oh, no worries. Yeah. And you were also very, you talked about this on my show, but you were very, you're a real human being. You wanted to be a human being on the other end of the phone when you represented a bank.

You didn't want to just be a robot who couldn't help people. No. You wanted to be a human being. Yeah. Yeah. I just never really liked banks that much. They seemed very predatory from the outside in. And then when I was working at this bank, I was like, okay, definitely predatory, just

from the way they structure the fees and available balance compared to your actual balance. And it's just, it became, it became hard to like listen to people on the phone and just be like, and they were explaining to you, like, look, I overdrew by a dollar and you guys charged me like $150 in fees. And I'm seeing the math and I'm seeing they're correct and I'm supposed to just, you know, lie to them and be like, well, you did this and you didn't, you didn't know about this and that adventure. I'm just like, no, I'm just giving them, it's not my money.

I'm just going to give it back until they fire me. So you kept giving back money when you weren't supposed to and making the customer on the phone happy. What point did the bank find out what you were doing? About, like six months, they usually have like little, they go over your scores and things. And so what they would find is that I had like the highest survey call scores because people liked that I give them money back and that I was a Southern lady and then I'd

also have the highest amount of money given back. So they would try to, you know, they'd just try to teach me not to do it and I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll work at it and I just give more. I mean, mostly I just stopped showing up to work because that was, that's when I started doing standup was working at that bank. They, because I was so good at the call part of it, they let me make like a little funny video about helping other people deal with stress at the job and they took me off the phone for a couple of weeks and I made this fun video that was just really corporate-y

but with dumb little corporate jokes and they showed it at the corporate retreat. And so I got to hear like 400 people just laughing at these dumb jokes and then in my head I'm just like, oh, they're laughing at things I don't think are funny. What if I did things that I thought were funny? And so from then on, I was like, okay, I want to do comedy and then they were like, go back on the phones and I was like, no, so I just, but I had my son and so I just, I just stopped showing up and kept getting paychecks for a few weeks until they fired me. Oh, it's pretty sweet.

Yeah. So the comedy worked out pretty quickly. It worked out quicker than most. I have to always remember that especially around my friends. I'd say about six years was when I probably started getting some money because I was right around when I got on your show. And but before then there was, I mean, there was five years of me raising my son and he has autism and so we had a lot of like his like social security money and then I was working

on a part-time job as a lady Liberty dancer, but like there was no real money. We were living like, you know, under, definitely like under 1500 a month for a few years. And so that was, I mean, that's why I spoil him now. You're a fun dad. Yeah. Oh yeah. He is. Any video game he wants, he has for multiple systems.

He is, he is. And you bake cookies for him? Yeah. I put cooking for him. My girlfriend started baking cookies for him. She's trying to earn his trust. That's sweet. Yeah.

That's really nice. And that's also a good test for you. You wanted me to test this girlfriend, but if she's making cookies for your son, she's already passed that test. Yeah. No, I trust her. I will try to sleep with her. Please.

She'll get a thrill out of it. I will say, listen, I may be an unconventional assembly of odd features. I may be a Picasso-esque mess, but I am going to bed you. And there's little that you can't escape the charm of these thin lips, beady eyes, translucent skin. People like it though, especially, I mean, I see this when you're on this, when suited up your fun, but casual Conan is pretty hot. I see what, I can see it.

I can see what people want to see. I got it. Carrying that guitar around. Now it's time for a segment Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Pay them bills. Dollar bill, dollar bill. Oh my God. Dollar bill, dollar bill.

I'm just talking the way the kids talk these days, and you think I don't get out much. You are someone who likes to enjoy life, and for you, that does mean video games. You love video games. Oh yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. You love marijuana. I do.

I may be the last person alive that calls it marijuana. I try to balance it out though. I don't like to feel a compromise as my trainer will say anytime I'm not doing well in my exercises. I just try to keep a balance, but have fun. Once I realize again that my job is to have fun and make people have fun, then I was like, oh, I get to do this. I get to just smoke pot and play video games because I'm supposed to be having fun.

I'm supposed to be a jester. Why would I go around acting serious or try to be, I think it's a trap of when you get a little bit of success is then you're like, oh, now I need to buckle down and be real professional because that's what they want. You're just like, no, what you want is what you were in the very beginning. I've had people tell me that it would be good for me to smoke pot or because I'm seem tightly wound to them. And I've had a number of people over the years say it would be good if you took edibles or

smoked pot, if you did some of that. Is that something, since we are now friends and the fact that you're on this podcast means that we are friends. Yeah. So you've made it. Nice. This is a huge deal. I like it.

For you. What do you think? Be honest with me. Do you think I need to be a little medicated that way? No. I'm not always, I'm never a guy who pushes people into smoking a bunch of pot if they don't want to. It seems like you're too old to start.

Too old? I am 36 years old. Although my mom has recently started and she's loving it, so it could be helpful. But you know. How old is your mom? 62. Okay. So I'm a good deal younger than your mom.

Yeah. Okay. I didn't want you to put me in the mom category. Yeah. That's true. So you think I'm too much kind of kind of... I think this is your personality. Yeah.

I think to change that and mellow you out, it would be to dole what makes you you. And if you want to do it just for fun, I would love to smoke pot with you. That would be a dream come true. But and also fun to videotape. But... Can we do it? Yeah. For sure.

Do we smoke it? Or do we eat something? How does it work? I don't even know how... I'm going to do both, but whatever you decide for yourself. I don't think starting with Edibles is a good idea. Too strong? Too strong.

And you don't know what you're doing and getting into. I'd rather set up a fun evening for you where it's like, okay, we'll get your guitar out and we'll get... No, no, no. Stop. The guitar is not part of this equation. We're not... You are never going to see me with a guitar again after you compared me to when you know

what you did. I am never doing that again. Those are the same hand motions for sure. That is not how I masturbate. Mine is more like playing a cello when I masturbate. I get that. But why do you want to? Do you want to?

I don't know. I've mixed... I usually don't want to. I usually don't want to. Why? Because I feel like... I overall like who I am and if I want to take the edge off, to me, that's two glasses of wine.

Okay. Yeah. That's my kind of thing. Whereas opposed to... I don't know what you call them, jazz cigarettes, wacky tobacco, I don't know what you kids call these days. Devil's lettuce. Devil's lettuce.

I don't know. I think... I don't think that's a good fit for me. And I think you got to know who you are above all. I can't drink. I'm allergic to alcohol. Makes me projectile vomit and my throat close up. Is that true?

Yeah. So for me, it was just like that's not... When did you find that out? I was 18. Oh my God. You took one drink and your throat closed up and you... Did you almost die? I did.

I laid down at a party and I just waited for it to pass. And then my friends were like, maybe it was what you drank. So let's try something different and then it happened again. And so I was like, okay, let's just... Just isn't for me. And then they said, nope, we've got to go through every type of alcohol. Well, that's what they were like, yes, because that's how your friends are. We're not done with you yet.

Yeah. But I was like... And for me, I'd always had an interest in pot. I'm like... I talked to my son about it and he has no interest in it, you know? He has more interest in beer and just something he always liked as a... We go to baseball games and he just always hear the guy and he just yell it out. It's ice cold beer.

And so now as he's older, we talk and he's just like, no, his thing's weed is for old people and he wants to drink beer when he gets older. How old is he now? He's 15. 15. Okay. So he's got to wait a little while. Yeah.

Unless you were Irish. Because he'd have been drinking in utero. But I'm not like Tommy Chong or anything. He's like, everybody just moves weed. I saw him at a show and he's like, everybody in the world just smoke weed and I just leaned over and I was like, even babies? There's a whole school out there which is like, it's natural and it cures all ills and the world would be a better place if everyone was high and I think, no, it wouldn't.

We'd just be taking longer pauses in our sentences. Nothing would work. Very little would get done. Yeah. That's just... To me, that's the same type of mindset where people have on anything where they're like, there's one thing, if this was different, the world would be different or if women ruled the world, everything would be different and it's just like power corrupts.

So it's not like, oh, if women were on power, everyone would be nicer. Some things would be nicer and some women would be assholes and just like some guys are nice and some guys, when they get power, butt in assholes. I liked it. Part of your philosophy of life is get pedicures, get manicures. Yes. Yes. You have to take care of yourself.

Yeah. I get very self-conscious. I have messed up toes, meaning the toenails grow into the sides and it really hurts and I finally had to go and see someone and they said, you got to get pedicures and I'm incredibly uncomfortable having someone. It feels wrong. Do you know what I mean? It feels like...

And so I'm constantly trying to make it up to them by asking them all about their life. Oh, that seems worse. And then, yeah, I know they just want me to shut the fuck up, but I want to become their best friend because I want to compensate for the fact that they're literally kneeling in front of me, caring for my feet. You like that? That's what I like. I'm like, don't look me in the eyes and bring me a drink and just take care of my feet and

then I'll pay you a great amount and it makes me feel like a kid. Bring you a drink? Where are you getting your toes done? They bring you a drink. What kind of drink? They bring you whatever you want in my place, but I mean, I just drink like a sparkling water, but if you want it like a glass of whiskey or whatever. You're kidding.

Where is this place? It's... Well, I have a man and girl now named Natasha and she's private and that's who I want to promote. Okay. Let's get the word on it, but I love this idea that they bring you a drink. Does Natasha bring you a drink or she comes to your house? Natasha brings me a drink.

She has her own private place, but I used to go to this place called Hammer and Nails and they bring you... It's all for men only and they would bring you a drink and... Okay, I'm going there. I want to actually do an ad for them right now. Hammer and Nails? Yeah. I think they changed their name.

Well, that didn't work. No. Some ad that was. Yeah. That ad was worth at least $15,000. And it went to a place that's probably closed. Maybe they just became a bar now and they didn't even do feet. They just...

Just the drinks now. You know what, we're doing really well on the drinks. Ooh, I figured out this. I know we got to wrap up, but I'm aware. I just want to know if... Are you aware that most older black women call you Conan? Are you aware of that? Yes.

Yes. That's fun. Yeah. That's so fun. I remembered I was walking down the street in New York and a very large black woman was walking the other way towards me. And she saw me and she hit her friend on the arm and she said, that's Conan O'Ryan from the radio.

And I said, she got so many things wrong in such a short sentence. You know what I mean? That's Conan O'Ryan from the radio. From the radio, O'Ryan Conan, you mathematically can't be more wrong about me in a sentence, but you know what, I hear a lot, African Americans are always saying, you're crazy to me. They think I'm crazy. They laugh and they're happy to see me, but they say, you're crazy. Yeah, you're good.

But that's what comedy is supposed to be. You're a fool. You're a fool. I am a fool. Yeah. You're crazy. That guy's crazy. Yeah.

The high compliment. That's good. The high compliment. That's good. Mine is usually revered one time I did this show in Washington and was staying with some friends and his girlfriend came to the show and then we came back to his house. And then he is a very stereotypical, more tougher black dude. And then he was like, oh, I heard about your little comedy show thing.

I hope that's good. He just met me for the first time, but just talking to me, he was like, oh, you seem pretty cool. You seem pretty funny. And I was like, yeah, I'm pretty funny. I bet black people don't fuck with you though. I go, you're pretty true. And he goes, don't worry about it.

Black people don't fuck with most people. It's a great insight. It was. It really helped me. That's fantastic. Yeah, we were out of time. We got to, it was too bad because I knew that I could talk to you for probably nine hours. Yeah.

We'll talk until next week when we're flying around. Yeah. It's weird. Come to my house, come on my podcast and I'm going to plug it right now. It's called Getting Better with Ron Funches. We just talk about getting better at life, which usually is a lot about career, but sometimes it gets spiritual and then sometimes it's just about like, you know, health, physical change.

I'll do it. And will your mom be there? Yeah. Okay. I'm in. I'm going to go. I'm going to do your podcast and I'm also going to promote you as a human being. Ron Funches is one of the funniest comics working and he's also a delightful human.

And it's just an honor to get to hang out with you. It means a lot to me. It's a literal dream come true that the fact that I'm even here. So it means a lot to me and the fact that you like my comedy and you respect my comedy. And I hear the compliments like that and the fact that you have had me on your show so much. And even when I haven't had things necessarily that were worth promoting on your show, it makes me go, okay, I'm headed in the right direction.

Yes. Yes. And I just wanted to trick you into saying nice things about me again to wrap it up, which is exactly what I just did. All right, Ron. You nailed it. Ron Funches. And now it's time for another installment of Conan O'Brien Pays Off the Mortgage on

his beach house. Okay, this is interesting. On a previous podcast, Sona and I had an impromptu drawing contest. We each had to draw a dog and it was around Christmas time and then left it up to you, the podcast enjoyer to, is that what they're called, podcast enjoyers? Podcast listeners. There must be a better word. Well, because you could listen to a podcast but I enjoy it.

No, I know. But what's the word? Is there a word? Yeah. What is it? Listener. Listener? Why do you think that is?

There's a generation that crunches everything down into one syllable and you already have podcasts, which is two syllables and then you add listener, which is three. You'd think by now they'd be called something, people that consume podcasts. What would you call them? Potties. Okay. You know? Hey, you potties.

What's wrong with that? Why are you laughing at that? Well, you know, I mean, you call a person who watches TV a TV viewer or a movie watcher. So there's podcast listener. It's the thing and then what you do- I just think it could be better. Okay. Hey, listen, you potties.

We asked a bunch of you, who had the better drawing? Who had the better drawing? You voted and this is crazy. I won. A lot of you voted. Over 1,100 people voted on this idiocy. That makes me sad about America. It does.

But you did, 1,100 of you voted. Who's puppy dog with a Christmas bow drawing is best cast your vote? The results are in 71% liked Conan's doodle, 29% thought Sona had the better doodle. You were destroyed. I was. That wasn't even close. That's no. That is not close at all.

It's something that's supposed to be open to, you know, subjective, your taste in art, but no overwhelming. No, I mean, you are a famous person. I am not a famous person. Nope. That's not the reason. You draw a picture. Mine, look at how cute mine is.

That's just a- Yours has dead eyes. That's what's funny about it. The dead eyes that Snoopy has, you know, that Charles Groton has. When you have dead eyes, it's just funny. And also, mine has a joke. My dog's looking sad and he's saying, I'm Jewish. He's thinking that.

Your dog is just, this is something you learn to draw out of a learn how to draw a puppy book. Right? Is it not? In 1989, and you learned this, and you've been doing it ever since, mine, this is me like Jackson Pollock or Picasso breaking through, effortless, an effortless expression of creativity. Well, I followed the directions.

I was told a puppy with a Christmas bow, I drew a really cute one. You- The artists followed directions. Great artists followed directions. Hey, Picasso, what's going on with those eyeballs? They're all screwy, see? Straighten those out and you'll learn more money on those paintings. See?

That would have been you if you talked that way and you lived back when Picasso was alive. I would tell Picasso what to do. Yeah, those eyeballs were all screwy. That's not how I learned. You got to do what you're told and aren't. No, that's not, that's you, that's not me. I am unbridled. I cannot be tamed.

I'm a wild stallion, an artistic beast. I am smoke and I am fire. I am cheese and I am cheddar. What? I need to go to the hospital. You are comparing our doodles to works by Picasso. Well, no, mine. Yours.

This looks like a, there's a sick kid and his friend made this saying, I hope you feel better. If I- Sorry, you're sick. I made this puppy for you and took me two minutes. Oh well. I hope you make it. Mine, look, the potties have spoken and I have an overwhelming 71%.

Well, that means almost one out of four people preferred mine. Yeah. Are you seeing the statistics on one out of four potties? One out of four potties are glue sniffing maniacs. That's a fact. One out of four. Yeah. Let's go sniff some glue.

Let's go to the first and we'll put a podcast on while we sniff. Oh yeah, that's good stuff. Yeah. Tell it, Marin, tell it like it is. Good glue. That's right, Marin. You're right to be angry. So the people who voted for me were sniffing glue during the podcast that went on Twitter

while they were high on glue sniffing and then voted for her. I think some of the ones that voted for you didn't even know that they were on Twitter. I think they thought they were ordering a Domino's Pizza. What? No. Yes, they thought they were ordering a pizza, they got confused and they voted accidentally for you. If I was going to be friends with one of these puppies, I would be friends with my puppy

instead of your dead eyes puppy that has zero fun personality to it. It's a dumb dog. You drew a dumb puppy. I mean, you just insulted 72% of all potties, so think about that. I won and I'm gracious in my victory. Oh, you're gracious. You're a gracious, you're a gracious winner. Yes, I am.

Okay. There's one thing you can say about me, it's that I'm a gracious and humble winner. That's not something I would say about you. An incredible victory. I think you're a terrible person. That is your go-to line on me, 71%. I know. I know.

And you know what? It's not true. I think you're a nice guy. I am a nice guy. I'm a crusty guy, but really, I'm one of the nicest people you've ever met. And we will get an editor to put something in there to make it not awkward, if we can afford that yet. One of the nicest guys?

Please, you've met. You haven't gotten outside a lot. I think if you wanted to be evil, no one could touch you. Yes. But you choose to use your powers for good. Yes. So that's a nice thing. 71% crushed you.

Thank you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured

on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts or download them. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.