Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Rory Scovel

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

Comedian Rory Scovel feels grateful about being Conan O’Brien’s best friend. Rory sits down with Conan to talk about selling the most bizarre bits onstage, fights in the audience, and his new podcast Dads. Later, Conan recalls his search for family roots in Dungarvan, Ireland. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Rory Scovel, and I feel grateful about being Conan O'Brien's best friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hi, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast slash scam where I get people I really like from afar to talk to me and I force them to be my good friend. I'm here and, Sona, you're on your phone. Why are you on your phone? Is everything okay?

Everything's fine. I'm checking Instagram. Why are you seriously? We're taping you to get a podcast. I know. You are getting paid. You do get paid, don't you? I think so. I hope not. Oh, what? No, seriously, you seriously checking Instagram? Yeah, I just...

So that's how much you regard what we do here? No, no, hold on, hold on. Oh, excuse me, Gurley's on his phone as well. Yeah. Seriously, why are you guys on your phone? It takes you a while to get into it. It's always like, hey guys, it's Conan and I like doing this. That's a part that is as vital as any other part.

I know, but I know how it goes. So I just am like, okay, I should just check my... No, no, no, no. Upfront is sacred. That is like a prayer. It is. That is as precious as a prayer. It is us holding hands and saying a prayer together. It's us holding hands and me saying welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and you're checking Instagram. And Gurley over here is trying to buy, you know,

Best Truman's upper dental plate on Etsy. I got it. You got it? Oh, good. God. Seriously, I want there to be a new commitment to the podcast because I feel you guys are taking it for granted. I never do. Hold on, I'm texting Gurley. Yeah, we're texting each other.

Okay, I get it. Oh, okay, that's funny. We're doing the thing. He said, let's get out of here. That's great. Everyone has a little fun time. You're just sad you're not included. I am deadly serious about this podcast. It's become...

I'm saying this as a man with two children and a wife. I think I care about this podcast more than anything else on earth. Oh, you do? Yeah. Okay. I think it nourishes me more and I have more long lasting love for this podcast than for anyone I'm related to. Sona, you want to come over here?

Yeah, can I leave now and go to Matt's house? You don't know where Matt's house is. Yes, I do. Matt lives in that little village where Edward Scissorhands lives. Each house is painted a different bright primary color. He pulls in at the same time everyone else pulls in. They all wave to each other to go inside. Now, you were wary whenever Edward Scissorhands moved in

when your wife brought him in, but eventually he started doing stuff with the bushes and he became like a real part of your life. Oh, yeah, we really love him now. He's a fixture in the neighborhood. Well, you'll end up chasing him up to a castle. Yeah. It gives good haircuts.

Listen, we got off on the wrong foot today. Yeah. I think you owe both of us an apology. I'm sorry that both of you were texting and looking at Instagram. Well, I was opening what many people consider the milestone podcast of the 21st century. Okay. Is there a podcast magazine I want to be on the cover?

No, we should start one. What if we started a podcast magazine and just put me on the cover and did one issue? It's like Oprah Magazine. Yeah, call Oprah Magazine. It's called Podcast Magazine. And I'm on the front and it's, and this thing just says Conan, he's the podcastiest.

We do one issue and then we get that frame. I love it. He's the podcastiest of them all. We could just take you to like Sears and you could do a photo shoot. I'd like it to be, I'd like it to be a, I want it to be a magazine that's distributed to at least 15 people.

You want to hire a staff. Yes. For one issue. Yes. And then close the magazine. Yes. Okay. Name the only person to ever grace the cover

of podcast magazine. I know, I know, Conan O'Brien. Anyway, that's something we could do. Well, we'll get our people on it. We don't have any people. Well, we don't have any magazines. We have no people. Yeah.

This is it. This is it. It's the three of us. I'll text Sona about it. Yeah. It's like we're three people in a lifeboat. And I said, do we have any water? And you said, I'll check with the rest of the crew.

And it's just the three of us. And then you pan out and you see we're a tiny dot on the ocean. I'll check with the rest of the crew. And then you pan way out and you know we're all going to die. And Sona's just pouring fresh water over the side. Sona's washing her hair. Sona's washing her thick, beautiful Armenian hair

with the only fresh water we have. You have incredible hair, Sona. I have great hair. You have great hair and there's a lot of it. And I could see that if we were all in a lifeboat, let's say we were all, the three of us were taking a cruise and the ship went down and everyone else perished. Yes.

And we were in a lifeboat and there was, let's say, 10 liters of fresh drinking water. Yes. I think within the first hour, Gurley and I would take a nap and would wake up to a splashing sound and you'd be draining the last of the water over your hair, washing it. Yes, yes, that would happen.

And I, because it does take a really long time for me to wash it. It's important for me to wash it with clean water. Right. So, yeah. And then we'd be so mad at you. We'd be like, we'd try to strike you and you would beat the shit out of both of us.

And eat us. And then you'd eat us. And then a rescue ship would come instantly and the whole total time in the boat, eight minutes. So we died for no reason. We never needed the water. When you said that we take a nap for some reason, the image of you and I spooning in this little life raft

came to mind. That's what we would do. I would spoon with you. Oh, thanks. You know what I would do? I would drag your body slightly over mine to shield me from the sun. Oh, God.

Was it blanket? Like a human blanket? Gurley, the first time I met you, I thought, that's a human sun shield. If I've ever seen one. The first time I met you, I went, there's a human sun victim. So that makes sense. Oh, okay.

That's really funny to make fun of. A terrible condition I've lived with all my life. Oh, come on. Called my Irish heritage. I love that in the eight minutes we're on the boat. You nap immediately when we get on the boat. Look at the story now. The big boat sinks.

I said everyone else perishes. Well, clearly if the whole time we're in the water is eight minutes. We're not even trying to help anybody else. We're just tired. And then, yeah, we're just, we just immediately, I spoon with Gurley, pulling his limp, smaller body over mine, to shield me from the sun.

And Sona takes the only fresh drinking water, washes her hair. We wake up, we, the two of us are angry that you did that. We rush you. You beat the crap out of us, rendering us unconscious and then eat our bodies. And then the rescue ship shows up.

Yes. In eight minutes. Eight minutes. Total. You have a voracious appetite for human blood. Yeah, wow. We're all terrible people. Yeah, and then the camera pans over to a seagull

and the seagull looks into the camera and goes, What? What a world. All right, everybody, let's get down to brass tacks. That's a phrase I've never understood. Gurley, do you understand what that means, brass tacks? Yeah, it's a furniture upholstery term. Like, let's take off the upholstery and get down to the brass tacks.

I can't believe you knew that. Of course. That's unbelievable. That's great. Well, guess what? I'm glad that you knew that. That's cool. Yeah, the non-upholstery layer of the...

Come on. Yeah, that flows. Oh, my God, that was awful. I think there was an air bubble in my brain. That was so bad. That was terrible. We got to get started, though. This gentleman's very funny.

My guest today is an absolutely hilarious comedian. He joined me on tour in 2018. He also wrote and starred in the Comedy Central series, Robbie, and now hosts a new podcast for Team Coco, titled, Dads, The Podcast, a very funny and also heartwarming show with new episodes every Wednesday. Now, not to brag, but I was the very first guest, and that's a huge deal to almost nobody.

But anyway, you don't want to miss it. I really enjoy this guy. Very excited. He's here. Roy Scoville. Welcome. I got to know you very well. You've done some brilliant stand-up on my show

and really inspired and silly avant-garde stand-up on my show that I love, and I look at those tapes all the time. I just like to watch my old tapes, and then occasionally you're in them. Anyway, but then I went on a stand-up tour with you, and we traveled sections of the country where I'm allowed to go, where there's no court preventing it, and you are an insanely funny man.

And 24-7, I mean, it doesn't stop. You are funny all the time, and so that's why I thought, I got to talk to this Rory cat, because if I can capture some of that lightning in a bottle that I saw out there, maybe people would start to believe me that Roy Scoville is very funny. I want them to believe that.

I appreciate you saying that. I feel like you'll probably be able to relate to this, just the fact that we're comedians, that anytime someone compliments me, I think it's a trap. Yes. You know what I'm always waiting for? I wouldn't say I think it's a trap,

but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have you ever had someone ask you what they know you from, but you kind of think they do know, but they feel like if they kind of do that, like, what do I know you from? They feel like they take you down a peg, despite the fact you don't care that they do, or don't know you.

A fun comeback is, well, you go first. I don't know you either. What do you do? That's a good one. I don't know you either. I'm a lawyer. Dwayne Reed, checkout person. I don't know you either. Well, I guess I'm a real estate agent today. Oh, okay. I'm never mind. I do know you.

Rory, I'd love to bond with you on this, I don't know you thing, but I can't. I can't go anywhere in the world and not be known. I mean, literally, I've tried as a game to go to the deepest, darkest jungles in the most remote sections of the world.

And, you know, exotic frogs are like, oh my God, yeah, you took over for Letterman. And then, you know, and then you used to work on the Simpsons. I mean, I'm sorry, that's the level I'm at. You used to work on the Simpsons? These are frogs that many people thought had gone extinct. I want to know, is that you must,

you obviously are very recognizable, very famous. Do you hate that? Do you hate being famous? No. No. Oh, Sona, why don't you chime in? Chime in, Sona. Chime in. Chime in.

You guys just don't know at the exact same time. At the exact same time. Well, Sona, what's your perspective? I think you love, I'm going to be honest, and I'm actually going to say something nice. You love your fans, and you love interacting with them outside. And I think you really enjoy it when people come up to you

and know who you are. And shower you with compliments. I'm not one of those people. It's so funny to me because there are people that got into this business and they've had success, and they seem irritated that, why are people coming up to me? And I always thought, well, what's wrong with that?

I am a people person. I like, I'm afraid I just invented, I think. I've never heard it. And if someone recognizes me and says hello, and I like to try and make them laugh, sometimes if I'm not getting, if I don't think I'll give them the A material, I'll work on it a little bit.

I'll stay there and keep working. And I can see them looking around like, I got to go. Conan, I'd love to chat. And believe me, it's bizarre I ran into you. But I just remembered. They can't even, they can't even improvise an excuse. I just remembered something. I left an enchilada in a microwave in college,

and I should go get it. I will say, you're so good at not stopping when you don't want to. And they still feel like they got some of the Conan magic just in you. I watched you in the casino in Atlantic City. People just would yell that definitely wanted you to stop to take a picture, not that they said it.

They would just say Conan. And you were just like, yep. And you just kept going. And I could still see them smiling. Never did I see anyone be like, well, screw you if you don't want to talk to me. No, I give a very cheerful, there are some places where if you stop in a casino

and are you drinking out of a jar? What was that? Yes. My wife bought all these jars to jar stuff that she doesn't make. I think she had a dream and it just, that dream became water like they all do. I know that you are a Southern gentleman.

You are from South Carolina. Correct. Greenville, if I remember correctly, he said reading off a sheet in front of him. No. I know that you're from the South, but I really do feel like you're pushing it with your whole jar.

You just were like, I'm just going to take a little sip of my sweet tea. Oh, is that iced tea? No, sir. No, it's sweet tea. I'm just drinking grits straight out of a jar. Gipping my biscuit in these jar grits. Having my lunch.

You know, one of the things I've seen you, because I toured with you, I saw you perform so many times and always just enjoyed a watch because you might be one of the bravest people I've seen do comedy. That is not a compliment, I think. No, I'm kidding.

It is a compliment. You just grew up a lot with your risks. You really have no business being out there, but you keep going out there and being showered with acidic disapproval. But there you go. Can I tell you something that I have wanted to ask you this? When we performed in Detroit,

I don't know if you remember this, it was at the Fillmore in Detroit. I could not help but say something about the Flint drinking water in a defensive way of saying it's insane that there's still not adequate drinking water. You were sticking up. Knowing it would get some people booing, which is bizarre that anyone would not... What human is not on the same page about people having access to water?

Then I said something about Capernick and other players kneeling during the National Anthem knowing it was going to stir the pot a little bit and I remember leaving the stage and I couldn't really tell how that show went and I went outside with Marina Franklin, so very funny comedian on the tour with us. I remember asking her,

do you think Conan's going to be mad at me for the material? Well, because it didn't go so... I think I did okay, but I was like, oh, this isn't really my show. I should kind of keep the show funny, but because I just couldn't help myself, once half the crowd doesn't agree with me with something that I think is very easy for everyone to agree with,

I then have to push it... I have to push anyone further away who I think is not on board. I have to push them away and I have to let all the people who know who agree with me that it's an invitation for them to get even closer and because I did that at the film more in front of more people than I've ever performed in front of. That was a massive theater.

I went outside and I think... however the show was finishing up, it was just like, should I not have done that? Should I have just done some jokes and gotten off the stage and out of the way? Well, I love a couple of things. I love that you thought, will Conan be mad at me because I never think of my...

On that tour, I did not think that I was the boss. You know what I mean? I'm not the like, well, you see you? You come into my office, you're in big trouble. It's your fint reference. I think it comes from a place of knowing that it's not my tour. You know, when your name is on the ticket, you feel you don't get that way.

But sometimes if I'm the emcee of a show or if I'm the feature of a show, I feel very timid about turning the audience even though I really want to turn some of them. Oh my God. Well, as I said, you were fearless throughout the tour. Hey, you used to do this bit sometimes, which is where we wouldn't know which way you would go every night.

And it was really fun for all of us to be backstage. And we'd wonder, what worry are we going to get tonight? Because sometimes you'd work clean and sometimes you'd work less clean. I wonder that too. So we were... I'll remember this. We were at the Beacon Theatre in New York

and it was a big show. And I completely forgot about this. But my old writing partner from years and years ago had his parents come to the show. I forgot. And these are older people, very healthy, handsome, energetic couple. And they're in their golden years.

And they came. I think they brought a guest. And I just completely forgot that. And this was a random night. And we were all in our best behavior because it's the Beacon Theatre and it's New York. And all these New York media people were in the audience. So all of us go out and do our stuff.

And then we were wondering, what worry will we get tonight? And you went out and you started talking about how you saw a documentary. You know this, folks? Orca. Was it Orca? What's the name of the whale? Tilakum.

You start talking about the Blackfish documentary and the whale, Tilakum. And then you start saying, there's one part, and they feel bad for the whale, but then there's one part where there's someone whose job it is to masturbate the whale. And then you start doing this long, crazy, jazz-like riff about what it's like for those people who do that for a living. And how does the whale feel about it?

And what do they do when they explain to somebody who's come to take care of the whale that their first job is going to be them masturbating a giant killer whale. And then you get to the point where you act it out and you act it out like you're the sleepy and doc from Snow White. Whistle while you work. Whistle while you work and you start whistling while you work while you're carrying buckets filled with whale jizz of that threat

that are slapping all over the place. And you do this little skippy dance and the buckets are sloshing and we're backstage crying, crying, crying, crying. Show's over. And the beacon, I'm way up on the top floor and you got to climb those stairs and I completely forgot when Sona says,

oh, Conan, your guests are here. And I'm thinking, because you're in a different city each night, I'm like, yes, what? And I go, ugh. And just then I see my old writing partner's parents who are this very distinguished-looking, older people with impeccable east side of New York taste. And they've brought with them someone who looks like T.S. Eliot.

He's like wearing a three-piece suit and horn-rimmed glasses. And I think he's probably a, you know, an esteemed paleontologist. And the three of them look like, they just crawled out of the rubble of a building that blew up on top of them. And they were just, and I kept, I started to say, oh, well, I hope the show wasn't shit. And they were very, they were like, no, no, no, no, no.

No, very nice show. Oh, what a nice show. Always lovely, always lovely. We've got to get out of here. And I realized that you had, you went on with that whale, jizz routine, which has really become a staple of your act. It's the whole, it's my hotel, California.

You know, I've actually seen you do stadium shows where you come out and you come out for the encore and you go, you know, there's this documentary called Blackfish. And the crowd goes, ah, here we go. And they start going, come, come, come, come. The crowd is like, oh my God, the bit he opened the show with is also his on for.

That's how good it is. You're the only comic I know who does the bit twice. In the beginning of the show. That's the crowd. And then after I finish it, I go, any requests and people are like, do it, just do that one again. Do it again. Buckets and whale come.

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck it. Take it easy, son. Sorry. Take it easy. So when a crowd is not enjoying that bit, and I know all you listeners right now are like,

what are you talking about? It sounds like a golden gem. But when there's a crowd that doesn't like it, I do it so much longer. Yes, I know. Oh, I know. I know. I know.

I don't know. I think I hate myself. I don't know why I do that to myself. I'm like, you don't like it? Well, guess what? It's the only thing we're doing all the time. Well, I have to say, I understand exactly why you do it, because I know that all someone has to do to me is say,

I don't really love this riff you're doing, or I don't really love, or maybe we've heard enough of that. Right. Oh, fuck it. Then, I mean, it's in my house even. If anyone goes, okay, I think we've had enough, or if Sona, right? Oh, my God.

If you say, I think I've had enough of that, that is, to me, a sign from God that has to go on forever. It's a challenge. Yeah. If my wife is like, can you stop doing it? My goal is then, well, how long will it take me to get you to laugh at it? Like, how can I turn you? Is there anything I can do to turn you to think that this thing is funny,

even though I agree with her most of the time, that it is wildly annoying? No, it's... We're not doing great. We're having a tough time. No, no. Trust me, I am very well aware that papers have been filed. We are looking into it.

Just exploring what it costs to get divorced. Just seeing our options moving forward. You are... I will compliment you again. You are funny in a way that's very unique to you. There are people I meet sometimes in comedy who I think were naturally funny, but then they learned watching others how to be funny. And you, Rory, are someone who's just...

You are funny in a way that I think you were probably... You were probably this guy, some version of this guy, maybe less confident, but when you were eight, like, this was who you are. This is who you are all the time. If I were to say, Rory, watching you, I think you've learned nothing. You've learned nothing. Other people have learned how to be funny. You've learned nothing.

You've learned nothing, and you know nothing of comedy. I was definitely a class clown the whole time, and I used to be... When I would get labeled the class clown by my dad, who would be very upset, like, like, my grades were always bad, so he'd be like, what are you, you're just been there being the class clown?

I used to be like, ah, I don't want to be a clown, but now that I've turned it into a career that pays, you know, for houses and things, I know I'm like, well, you know, clown's pretty good. I think I turned it into something great, but yeah, at eight years old, my whole life, people have told me, they're like,

I bet if you were just in a room with nothing but a pencil, you'd still talk to yourself and be just fine, and that's not entirely untrue. Right. I would be all right. I mean, I'm the same way. I don't know what it... I know that I could force myself to do something else in life,

maybe something that's more beneficial to humankind. Yeah, I guess as I got older, I realized like, oh, I don't have to just do it for attention. It's actually something that is there that I can't turn off anyways. It's not even something to turn on. You know what I mean? Like, even when there's a show to go on stage for stand-up,

I think that's what I like about stand-up. If people like my stand-up, if there are people sitting there going, man, this whale-come bit is great. Like, when people truly find that funny, it feels so great because it's really something that I think is funny. It's not at all something I wrote

because I knew that equation would work. Like, oh, I know that this set-up, and this will be a surprising bunch of line, it's truly something that, to me, feels like the absurdity of an observation that I've made. And I think I kind of like the idea that this thing I think is funny is so absurd. The challenge is, can I sell it?

Can I actually make other people see why this thing is funny? And when you say, like, taking risks and stuff, I think that comes from me just wondering what is the thing that is so bizarre that I think I can maybe sell? I used to do a bit. I used to do a bit that I feel like I should bring back.

You know, this pandemic's gonna just make me start my career completely over. But I used to do a bit where I said, this is an impression of an elderly woman looking for her dog, and the dog's name is Spicy. And I would, just for extended periods of time, just go, Spicy! Spicy!

And I would walk around the stage convinced that this is a bit. Other people will be like, that's not a joke. Can I be like, what I think it is a joke? I saw you announce before him that you were gonna do a complete hour improvised of stand-up, just with no ideas. And I was talking to you up until the second you went on stage,

and you had no concern at all. You just... And it was a pretty good-sized room in San Diego. This was last summer during Comic-Con. And you went up, and it was so much fun to watch you get into trouble or back yourself into a corner and then get out. And then at one point, you just, it's a wireless mic.

So you just start walking through the club, and then you see a door, and you just said, huh, I wonder where this goes? And you left the club, and the wireless... I didn't even know if you knew, but we could hear you walking down an alley. And then you found a guy, a limo driver. You found a guy, and you brought him back in,

and you weave back in through the club. And we've heard you the whole time, you enticing the guy, saying, can I talk to you? I'm doing a show, would you come in? What's your name? Tony? Tony, is it okay if you... And you bring him in, and then you bring him up into the...

You bring him up into the club, and you start talking to him, and it turns out that he is a limo driver. And then you say, well, what are you doing? He said, well, I've drove these people to this club, and then you find the people in the audience that he drove, and you get him to talk about what they were talking about on the way there. And the whole thing was this...

I don't know, it was really magical, and to me, sort of the essence of what a show like that should be. I was, again, you were taking foolish risks, risks that could have gotten us all killed, frankly. Some people were killed that night. Six people were killed that night. In unrelated crimes, but you were somehow blamed. There's something about you where there are moments

where you don't have fear when I think you should. It's like you and evil can evil. You just managed to pick something that doesn't shatter your pelvis. I will say, I fail a lot of times, but I think what stand-up mostly is, is that getting really good at failing. I think to get really good at... And there's kind of no way to avoid it,

but I think when you get into comedy, the sooner you learn to not care if the audience likes you or not, is going to lead to more fun. It's going to lead to a better career and more fun on stage. And I think I've failed so many times trying these absurd, stupid things that now I'm not so afraid to fail. You still feel bad when you don't give a crowd a good show,

just because it... As we all know, there's a lot that goes into going and being in the audience of something, whatever it is. And so you want your time to have been well spent. And I think I've just fucked up so many times that now when I'm backed into a corner, I'm like, I think my brain just goes, well, this wasn't as bad as that time in Maryland, keep going.

And so I just keep going. I'm like, you're right. Oh, God, what happened in Maryland? I had a horrible ship. Me and a comedian, Justin Schlegel, went out and did a show in the middle of nowhere at a seafood restaurant in Maryland, and it was packed.

And I think they paid us with like snow crab or something. I don't think we actually made any money. And he and I were both supposed to do 45 minutes. And I went up first and 10 minutes into my set, they hated me. They truly hated me. But if there's one thing I can say, I will always do my time. Despite the fact that they hated me,

I did the whole 45 minutes. I brought him up and as he's going up, he looks at me like, oh, my God, I'm so scared. They hate the show. They immediately love him instantly. And so we're very relieved. I still go and set the car so that we can pull out of the parking lot very quickly in case they turn on him also. But yeah, that was maybe one of the worst times I've ever bombed.

If you don't show any sign that you think the show is bad, they think it's in their head. They're like, well, why does he like it if we all hate it? I used to, one of my outs that I love, I have all these outs I've compiled over the years from my failing moments and shows. But one of them is if the show isn't going well, I tell the crowd, I'll be like, you know what,

let's take a break for a second. You guys don't like the show. Here's the thing you're missing. I also don't like the show. So the thing is we are on the same page. We do like the same stuff because we all hate it right now. And then I'll be like, all right, look, there's a fun element of them being like, all right, fine. I'll do my smarter stuff.

Obviously you guys are, I'm a jerk. I misread the room. You guys are way smarter than this. Here's some smart jokes. And then if they don't start laughing, then you've now switched it to where you're like, I guess it's because you guys are dumb. And now there's enough people in the crowd that will enjoy the fact that you are now mocking

the crowd for not liking your bad show. You know, I know it's their fault. I figured it out. You guys just aren't smart enough. I saw you every now and then, someone will get up and leave the show and quite possibly just because they want to use the bathroom or sometimes maybe because they really, they can't stand the show or you're rubbing them the wrong way.

But you will say, excuse me, ma'am, ma'am. That's their fault. Ma'am, what is it? What is it, ma'am? You know, and you've had, I've seen that just, there's just electricity in the air because I don't know is this woman going to turn around or this man going to turn around and say, no, I don't like the show or no, I'm just going to use the bathroom.

But then you engage them on what they need to do in the bathroom. And you're like, oh my God. This is horrifying slash delicious. Anytime someone will let you know that they don't like the show, there are people that tell you that because they want it to bother you. They want it to hurt you and hurt your feelings. But I think sometimes they don't understand that

as long as you're putting wood on the fire, the fire keeps going. It doesn't matter what type of wood it is. If someone is like, actually, I hate the show and you're not funny. It's like, well, now you've given me five to 10 more minutes. Just from that beautiful offer of knowing that you don't like it and you're leaving. Also when they're leaving, it's like, well, once you're gone,

I'm obviously going to talk about this for a long time. There was one show I did, a fight broke out in the audience. And I mean a full-on fight to where the show stopped. People were screaming. The whole audience turned, watched four guys who looked like they played professional football. They were that big. Get into a fight that slowly almost like the Simpsons.

It somehow just moved from the crowd to like a rolling tumbleweed out into the lobby and disappeared. And everyone just sat back down. And I'll never forget this woman right as I picked the microphone up. She goes, good luck following that. I just immediately I was like, what do you mean good luck? I was like, we all have the same questions and we're about to explore them together right now.

We all have so many questions. Those little gifts. I know you're talking about that show in New York, that woman when she got up and left. I think you said you knew her too, didn't you? Well, it turns out I know a lot of people. That's the secret. Everyone I've talked to, Conan has a personal connection.

That was my father. You were like, what's with you old timer? I've also really liked it when back in the days, early Letterman, if Steve Martin went on Letterman's late night show, he would have thought out this conceptual piece that he would do. Or if he went on Carson, he would have thought out a conceptual piece. And you've done things like that because I think so few people do that anymore. And I remember it was, I think you and John Doar.

And remember when you guys, you guys worked out this bit where, and I was in on it, but I basically say, well, this is a little awkward. We booked two comics. We made a mistake. They're supposed to be on different nights, but they both showed up tonight on the same night. And we think our booker made a mistake and they, but basically that they've agreed to both do their standup together.

Yes. Right. And it was you guys doing stand, doing different standup acts at the same time. Yes. Standing next to each other. You know, I had people, you sold that introduction so well and made it seem like it truly was an accident and the show felt so bad in your delivery of bringing it out.

Because it's important that people think it's real. So much, so much so that people, there are people who couldn't realize, Conan's intro is the setup. The punchline is the absurdity of the thing that he then brings out onto the stage. I had people go, they were like, hey, that's kind of messed up. I mean, that's like a professional show double booking you guys. And you're just different. Those people are like, what are you talking about?

Because it was both of you. You weren't doing anything in tandem. You were both standing there with your microphones, doing a completely different standup act and not acknowledging the other person, which is insane. You couldn't make head or tail out of it. It was, it reminds me of the time Mr. Danny McBride, I think one of the first things he did.

He did this movie that sort of brought him to fame called, was it Foot Fistway? Foot Fistway, yeah. Yeah. And is he from South Carolina or North Carolina? I think North Carolina. Yeah. But he, no one knew who he was. This is before he became a big deal.

And he, to promote it, he was going to come on sort of as that character and bring these kids out in sort of karate uniforms. And then have some of the kids, real kids and have them not do it that well and have him lose his temper. And so we committed to it a hundred percent. And I said, he's here and he's got a movie Foot Fistway. And no one knew he was a, people didn't know him yet. Right.

And he came out and I've talked with him about it since, but he came out and he really committed to being, you know, Danny McBride or whoever the character's name is and he's there and he's with these kids and they can't do it and he starts losing his patience and yelling at him. And then he goes to do it and he can't do it. He can't break the board and the whole, and then the kids, he starts yelling at the kids and some of the kids cry and run away and he's in the whole thing falls apart.

And I committed to looking really upset and walking out and saying, okay, well that was, we committed all the way. And when it was over, the band starts to play and these young people in the audience were like, fuck Conan, what the fuck just happened? Oh fuck, that was so bad. And I didn't want to tell them the whole thing's a joke. So I just went, I know, it's really bad. I don't know what to do.

Then we had people sing, we saw the show, that was messed up. Oh, how could you let that guy on the air? And Danny said, he heard from people like, you, how dare you yell at those kids? Of course the kids are all actors, they're all in on it. How does anyone, as soon as he can't break the board, you're like, well, that should be the tension release. Like, oh, okay, it's clearly a bit. He couldn't break the board either.

I love that people are like, no, this is real. And these are bad people. Conan allowed this to happen because he's bad too. He's also a bad person. Yeah, we did a bit. Who's the famous, famous gymnast, and she was America's sweetheart. Mary Lou Retton? Mary Lou Retton, we had Mary Lou Retton on the show.

I have several posters. I can see them behind you. I was a diehard Mary Lou Retton fan. Is that like super patriotic or incredibly creepy? You be the judge. I vote creepy and patriotic. Well, we did a bit where I had to, it just called for me to completely lose it on her.

And I committed to it and I just was totally screaming at her as part of this thing that she's in on. So then I think shortly afterwards I'm a guest on Howard Stern and people were calling in and they were like, when you, the way you talk to Mary Lou Retton. I just, what she did for this country. Yeah, just people, this people were calling in and they wanted to kill me.

She did the most somersaults of anyone in the 80s. And you, I wish I could have given an exact Olympic date, but I haven't done my research on this bit. What's that, didn't you do a bit where, did you do a bit where you're, someone's doing stand up and someone heckles you? Oh, you think you can do better than me? Yeah, that was when John and I came back on the second time.

He did stand up and really sold it for like two and a half, three minutes until I played. You're in the audience. I played an usher and I was trying to reseat someone and he said, sorry, can we cut like, what is going on over there? And I was like, oh, she's just in the wrong seat. And he's like, well, can you do it later?

And I'm like, it's kind of a tough job. I'm trying to do this. And then he's like, it's actually not that tough a job. And I was like, well, what you do isn't that tough a job. So then we switch. You switch jobs. You go down to do the stand up. He goes up to be an usher.

And this is all like, I swear to God, it was played so real that people watch it. People in the audience think, what is going on? Why would they allow this? Why did they allow this? But you switch and then you start doing stand up. He starts being an usher. And then I forget there's some twist where I get involved.

Well, then you say something where you're like, can you guys stop? You can't just do this. We've booked John. You're an usher. You can't just switch. And we're like, oh, Conan, just sit at your desk. And that's when you're like, you think my job is easy?

And then Andy goes to do stand up. You become the usher. John becomes you. Andy does stand up. I become an usher. The whole thing slipped around. Those are just really magical. I mean, it's silliness.

I think one of the reasons I'm such a fan is you're a very sweet guy and you're a very intelligent man, but you are, I'm not sure you're intelligent. I don't think so. No, I filled that in. I can sell it. I can sell it. I can make people think about it.

When you put glasses on and hold a book. A monocle. The right side up. But I bow at the altar of silliness. That's just where I want to spend eternity after I leave this earth. I want to go to a silly place. And even if it's some, and that might be hell. I don't know.

But I would go there. I will go to this. I want to go to the silly place after I go. Right. I want to make sure I talk about your podcast because you are a very funny guy. You're also a very perceptive gentleman and you have a new podcast called dads. That's right. And I want to make sure that we talk about this because you are,

you're just, first of all, you got very soothing pipes. I like listening to you. You really. This is my real, this is the voice I do for the podcast. When I'm a guest, I go screechy because I don't want other podcasts to get all the numbers. But I see, so when you go, when you're a guest on another podcast, you're screechy like sort of like a Paul Lynn. Yeah.

Yes, exactly. And then when I do mine, it's very, hey folks, a jazz singer. Just come on into the Vegas club. Hey, I'm Sinatra over here. Yeah. Yeah. And you're, you talk about, and it's not, it's not a podcast for dads necessarily because I think non-dads can enjoy it. That's right.

Is non-dad a term that you guys use? Non-dad? We use non-dads. We feel like we've narrowed everybody into two groups here, either a dad or a non-dad. Good thinking. And that's, you know, so we have people on and, you know, we talk about what it's like to be a parent, what it's like to everyone's different individual perspective of being a dad and how to be a dad, or a parent in general, if you're a non-dad, but also the relationships that we've had with our dads

and how that's like shaped us in some way because I think in everybody's mind, everyone's relationships are obviously very different, but I think some people think about their relationship, relationships in general with a mother, and I think everyone kind of pictures sort of like the perfect scenario of a relationship with a mother. And even though most people don't have that, they still picture that. However, I think when most people picture relationship with dads, it's almost always tattered and slightly broken, even when it's working. And everyone will be like, oh yeah, my dad, are you and your dad close?

And people's response is always like, yeah, I think so. You don't even know. You don't even know where you stand with your dad. Yeah, it's very complicated. Right, exactly. It's very complicated. Yeah. You know?

And it is interesting. Like you think of all the great Renaissance art was always, you know, it's mother Mary and baby Jesus. Like mother and child is sort of, you know, but there's never like, ah, there's the father and the son. I don't know. It always reminds me of Norm MacDonald's line. I think he had a line once years ago, which is, yeah, I went home for Christmas. Got a little awkward because I accidentally made eye contact with my father. I could just sort of like, yep.

Have you ever really looked at your dad in the eye for like a period of time? I could do that with my mom if my really locked eyes with my dad. Yeah. I think my skeleton would run out of my flesh. Yeah. Well, that's the painting of the father and son. It's like, note how they won't look at each other. And that's so funny because it's so strangely relatable.

And yet we never step back and are like, why is that so, you know, why is that so universal? And I think it's a lot of, you know, we talked about it when you were a guest on the show, you know, there's a generational thing with how dads are with kids and their children. And the thing that kicks in for, at least for my wife, the motherly maternal thing that naturally kicked in for her, from my perspective, was so beautiful to watch happen. I was like, oh my God, like I am seeing this natural just intelligence. My wife's brain lighting up with knowing how to keep a baby alive. And I'm over here truly gaining no knowledge of anything the entire time.

Almost to the point where I was, you know, I was like, do you guys even need me anymore? Are you guys good? Now that you guys are best friends, should I get out of the way? It's been made quite clear in my equation that I am not needed. It's by unanimous, my wife and my son and my daughter. And whenever I come in, I am the sitcom fool. So I come in and they're just like, oh, look at all the idiots home. And then there's a canned laugh track.

And you trip on your way through the kitchen. Yes, exactly. And I say things like, well, so anybody, did you have your computer class computer dad? How do you think it's called computer class and everyone laughs? And then I go, like, is there any more of this vegetable? And my wife is like, do you know what it's called? And everyone laughs. And she's like, that's a fruit.

And they really laugh at that. You probably don't even know the capital of Illinois. And you're like, I don't. You really don't. You know, now that you say it like that, I think maybe your family's just abusive in a weird way. They're sitcom abusive. They are. They are sitcom abusive, but the ratings are through the roof.

So we're going to keep it going. Yeah. Don't, don't fix it if it's not broke. Rory, I'm going to wrap this up. No, I would like this to go 30, maybe 45. I'm in quarantine. So I, well, however long we can go. Okay.

Well, we could go another, I think 24 hours. So that's what we should do sometime. Have you listened to Conan's new marathon? Conan's Rory Scoville Marathon. Tune in. Conan and Rory end up discussing whale cum nine different times. They leave the subject in exhausted of all of its comedic fruits, but only to return two hours later and find more. Later on, you just listen to them watch the X-Files.

They're not talking. They don't talk. There's no commentary. You just hear them watching the show. Rory, you're a good man. I appreciate that. And a hilarious, hilarious man. And I get excited whenever you're around to get happy because you make me laugh.

So let's hang soon when we are allowed to. I would love to even at a distance. I know people can't see this as obviously a podcast, but I'm in a van outside your house and have been for several weeks. We didn't. Yeah. We've had questions about this. Yeah. It's not a good van.

It's not. It's not a good van. Well, I, with just spray paint, I wrote cable company on the side and that's not specific enough to really sell it. And you spelled it C-A-B-E-L. And then company with a K. And so there were questions. And there's apparently no working toilet. You just cut a hole in the bottom of the van.

Oh, God. And human waste trickles out the bottom. Yes. Well, I mean, yes. I mean, it's been two weeks. If I'm still here, clearly enough people are falling for it. So. K-Bell company is here.

K-Bell. All right, Rory. Go in peace. Thank you. Do good works. Thank you for having me on this show. I didn't want you on. I know.

Well, I paid. I paid to be here. And so it's good that. It's the first guest that's paid $25,000 to appear on the show. The money came in seconds before we went on. Are you sure it's not? I thought for $25,000, that was the 90 minute package. That's just.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't pay the extra five grand to argue. I didn't pay the extra five grand to fight you on this. Okay, Rory. Be well. Thank you. You know, I ran into someone the other day, Sona, who really liked the episode where, because they're Armenian and they really love the episode where you and I went to your home

country, Armenia. We went to Yerevan. Yes, we did. Yeah. And I swear to God, I meet more people, I meet more Armenian people that are like, and I know to go inch, and then they go love them. That's all I know. That's good.

That's good enough. I end up hugging them. They're just so happy about that episode, which was really a joy. That was so much fun. I bet that happens to you a lot because you've been to so many countries now. No, it doesn't. No, other people are very angry. No, I'm kidding.

No, but I mean, I think that was, they're not used to, you know, they were just very happy. And there's a very, there's a massive Armenian community here in Los Angeles. Right. And I cannot walk five feet without having them say, oh, we know you went to Armenia. It was Sona and all this kind of stuff, and I tell them that you, you're gone. Oh, that was a really nice trip. That was nice.

Sona, you should accompany him to Ireland. Yeah, I mean, you go back to where I'm from. You've been to where you're from. You've done a whole episode from Ireland. Well, we did an episode from Ireland once a bunch of years ago, but I didn't really go to where my people are from. Specifically, my dad's side of the family is from this place called Dunn Garvin, which is southeast of Waterford, I think.

And I went back there once because I wanted to go and see Dunn Garvin where my great, great, great, great, great grandfather, I think, or something like that is from. And he was a bone setter that lived in Dunn Garvin. What? Yeah, he was a bone setter, I think. His job was to break your leg with a stone and then set it because there was no money in waiting for someone to break their leg, so he would do that. But anyway, no, I did once, I went back, I went back a bunch of years ago.

This is not on television. This is just real life experience. But I went back and decided to go and find the town of Dunn Garvin where I'm from. And everyone's like me there. Dunn Garvin. Dunn Garvin. Dunn Garvin. Dunn Garvin.

You know, this is a true story. I was once driving in, I was driving in Ireland with my girlfriend at the time. So we stop and I get out of the car and someone, I asked someone, where's Dunn Garvin? And they said, this is Dunn Garvin. So you're supposed to kiss the soil. So I got down and I kissed the soil. And then someone else was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not Dunn Garvin. This is, I kissed the wrong soil.

And I actually had soil in my mouth and I was getting it out. You know what I mean? And then I was like, I kissed someone I thought was my grandmother and it wasn't my grandmother. And then I had to drive for like another 40 minutes. And I had the wrong soil in my mouth, the wrong dirt. And I was like, did you do an open mouth kiss with the soil? I did. And I gave it a little tongue.

Yeah. You Frenched it. Yeah. Yeah. Also, here's another thing that happened to me in Ireland. I was rented a car on the western part of Ireland and my girlfriend and I were driving across Ireland and we went into this, you know, these magical places. Like you, you can be driving along and you can just find this magical little, like you

go through like a little forest and there was a single, there was a little tiny house, a very small house with one single gas pump in front of it. And I pulled up to it because I needed gasoline and this lovely old woman came out and she was like, oh, and how are you? Oh, and where are you from? I said, my book from the beginning. Oh, you're from Dunn Garvin. Oh, you've got the look.

Oh, you got the map of Ireland on your face. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. You know, I try to cream, but it won't go away. And she's pumping away and fills the car and she says, well, I wish you well on your travels. I'm going to say a prayer for you tonight. And I said, really? She said, I'll say the whole rosary and I'll wish you well.

And I said, thank you. And I had like tears in my eyes and we hugged. It was really nice. And the old lady went back in her house and I got in my car and I drove about maybe 15 minutes and the car just suddenly made a weird noise and just ground to a halt. And she had filled my car with diesel gasoline and it didn't take diesel. And I got out of the car and I wanted to run back and kill. I was waiting.

I was like, and I could just see her in the middle of her rosary and her cottage going, oh, I said, I made it. For the young man. Suddenly door smashes open. I'm like, I'll fucking kill you. And then I just start throwing her around the room. I was waiting. The story was so sincere and I'm like, they cannot stay this way.

Something's going to go wrong. You know what happens when you fill a rental car with the wrong gas? You got to, first of all, I walked. This is Ireland, too. Walk up to a stranger's house in America and see how that goes. I walked up to a random house like in a field and walked up to the door and the woman was like, come on in. Come on in.

How can I help you? Would you like a cup of tea? And I'm like, no, no, my car says, oh, I'll call my husband and he'll call, you know, Seamus and Flemish and Fulmus and Flemish. And so they came and they took my car and they literally have to like put it up. They have to drain the car completely. And it was a rental car. They had to drain it.

I think they have to pick it up and shake it and get all the bad stuff out of it. The trip cost double because of that woman who was so busy. A bitch. Well, I don't talk that way about women. That bitch. But man, I'm with you on this one. Isn't he a nice boy? And she probably knew because that's the Irish too.

They like to fuck with you. That's the Irish too. She probably knew. I probably went over there and she's like, oh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I'm not going to say a fucking rose before you. I'll teach you to cut any random house. What do you think you're in this with? To come back.

Oh, so you're from... Oh, you kissed the wrong soil, did you, you fucking... All right, just have another the wrong gasoline there. There you go with your gasoline. What do you do? You're on the telly in America. Please, we'll have a piece of shit. You piece of shit.

Hope you fucking die. I didn't have time to make a bomb to put in the car. Like to kill you. Watch you burn alive. Don't even know you. I don't even have a... I don't even own a Rosary. I've never had one.

Worse than the fucking British. Who own a Rosary? There is no God. What? Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm a Scientologist. Oh my God. Oh no.

Yep, and that's what happened. Oh, that lady's awful. Well... Oh man. She was pretty old then, and this was a long time ago. Which means she's still alive. Because the Irish live forever. This has been a Team Cocoa Production.

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