Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Roy Wood Jr.

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Comedian Roy Wood Jr. feels thankful about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Roy sits down with Conan to discuss tailoring an effective set for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, honing crowd work during sports practice, and the changing landscape of informational media. Plus, the competitive energy heightens as Conan, Matt, and Sona compare the relative popularity of their eponymous sandwiches. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. This episode was recorded on 5/15/23.

Hi, my name is Roy Wood Jr. And I feel thankful about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is near, here and now, back to school. Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking leaves, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hello, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. And I feel like I have two friends with me right now, Sonom of Sessian, and I believe it's Matt, Matt Gourley.

I think we're pals, we have a good flow. People like the way that we work together. That's weird that yeah, people like our kind of relationship even though I don't think we do. I don't think that's important. The chef doesn't have to love what he's making. I see. And I- He doesn't?

He probably should. Yeah, why would he make something he doesn see. And he doesn't. He probably should. Yeah. Why would he make something he doesn't like? That doesn't make sense. What a terrible shot. What are we doing here? Here you go. Some more shit I make.

What are you talking about? I think this is a lovely acclare. Oh no. Shit. Shit. I ain't did it. Why do you hate it so much? See, childhood struck by lightning, everything tastes like shit to me. Why did you become a chef? I heard I like the hat. It's fun to wear it. It's called a took. Alright. Eat.

It's just really you got into this all food that you ingest. Taste like excrement to you. Daughter shit! Because you were struck by lightning as child. So you serve it and I hate it. Even watching you eat it makes me sick. But you stayed in it because of the tuk. Why are you going over this again and again? We established everything. It seems like bad improv today. Not at all.

I'm just trying to say that you tasted things and they, hey, we got through it. Why do you repeat so much? Well, turns out I was struck by lightning. And, uh, as a child and so I tend to overset things up. That's what I do. You and I could be friends, both struck by lightning. You said things up. Right, I tend to set things up.

Now just to summarize, you were hit by lightning. Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill you. And then, it made you go over things too much when you're doing a podcast. Is that right? Uh, man, I don't know where that one started, but I think we had a good time. We had a good journey. Oh, man, we learned a lot. I think about ourselves. I learned you did, you can do a French Jackson and German accent and an Italian accent. Oh, it seems and they all sound end up sounding Russian. Yeah.

But oh, by the way, Nixon that guy was from Croatia. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to clear the air on that. You know, I just why Croatia popped into my head.

I took a, you know, uber today to get here. And I, I, I'm a guy who talks to the driver. I always like to, I'm one of those people. I don't know where you guys are. I choose no conversation on. Do you really do that? Yeah, I do. I, I just, I'm not good at small talk. I don't mean that to be anti social, but I just, I want to sleep. Okay. And what about you? I do both. So I'm either not talking at all or he's coming up into my apartment, checking out the sofa I'm trying to get rid of. And that's a true story. That's a true story.

You got to have boundaries. Yeah. I know. You're right. You're right. That's, that's funny that you're either, or I'm going to tell you this, I do not, I've seen the little switch that says no, that you can tap, that says no conversation. This is me to be completely honest. I'm afraid that if I hit that, they're going to think, oh, I'm driving us, like a stuck up snob. And so I will never hit that. And then I go too far the other way where they hit it on you.

Trust me. I think some of these people would, because I say, I mean, this guy today, I could tell he was from, you know, and I said, well, where are you from? And a lot of times, this is actually works out nicely because there are many drivers who are Armenian. Yeah. Then we chat and they know that I've been to Armenia with you. And we have like a really good conversation. And they like that. I know like three words and English. In English. But then today the guy was from Croatia and we were just talking back and forth and I got his whole story, like his whole life story and was actually pretty fascinating.

And so I got out of the car and I felt like, oh good, I really got to know that guy. I hope he liked it too. You made a friend. He had no idea who I was. He was asking me what I do and I just said I just work in television. I think you think some of TV repair. Yeah, I fixed flat screens, but it was really nice.

I don't know. Cool, you made a new friend. I think that's it. Oh, okay. Well, at least it was pleasant. Because I think you have to be too. If you're not a pleasant person That could like people and if someone recognizes you then well, this is something I

Very envious of are the people who have made their reputation and we've you know like a jack Nicholson Or a Harrison Ford or like people who are you know these big stars Obviously in this whole other caliber than anything I would ever be. But if you went up to them and said, hey, man, and they said, fuck off. You'd say, wow. Yeah. That's so cool.

I'm not that person. If someone came up to me and I went, he's better, fuck off. It's like you're an asshole dancing around like an idiot on TV all those years. You actin acting all friendly You're a sham and then they would just start hitting you with a two by four. That's true. That's true Yeah, I know but that's I don't I mean you can't be that guy. You can't be like a

I don't I don't I don't know no no I don't I don't have that Incredible so I'm not self-possessed like that. And I also, those are people that are larger than life. You see them on the screen and they're larger than life. I managed to be much smaller than life, because people have seen me on small televisions. Well, and you need people to like you. Yeah. You mean, oh, like I need a friend? Yeah.

Yeah. I think they could like punch someone in the face and people would be like, oh my god, he punched me in the face. And were like, oh my god, punch me in the face and then with you they Well also they'd have to feel it first I did so like was that a cool breeze? I just gave you a chop to the jaw. I just I just played a little chin music with with my right hook

Why didn't really oh so you struck me. Yes, I did. Oh, I thought a very old butterfly had a stroke and then a cool wind blew it against my cheek. But if you struck me, I'm suing you now. All right. I'll pay up. I don't think that would go too well.

But anyway, were you signaling me that I should get on with it? Yeah, okay. It was awkward because then I just looked at you and you didn't signal me. I did, I held up the rap sign. I know, but I saw something in my peripheral vision and this is a note to all my would-be attackers. I think I'm losing my peripheral vision.

So ninjas time to get me. I saw a little flash. Oh, I saw a finger, a middle finger go up for, I think for half a second. Oh, I was just ditching my eye. Okay. Well, again, peripheral vision starting to go. You thought now that your peripheral vision is going away now, Ninja's gonna attack you as before. Yeah. You had it. I think ninjas are gonna be flying with a full frontal assault over here. Please, I think, first of all, I think there's a whole many, many, many different sections of the assassin league that have been trying to get me for years,

but they, I have legendary peripheral vision. So the ninjas have just been waiting around smoking cigarettes, playing majon, waiting. Just don't smoke cigarettes. Yes, they do. Oh, they're such chain smokers. They cut out little holes in the ninja mask They puff away. Well now they do e-sigarettes those ones that smell like bubble gum Like do I smell bubble gum? Oh look ninjas waiting for Conan To lose his peripheral vision and reading us magazine They broke up. They sure did. Oh, he seem like such a good couple. Hey, I just heard from an eye doctor that Conan's losing his proof of vision. Everyone

gets your throwing stars. It's time. All right, too much idiocy. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and correspondent on the daily show. Starting September 15th, he'll be on his Happy to Be Her Live tour. Tickets are available at LiveNation.com. I'm just happy he's here. Roy Wood Jr. Welcome. You, and I know you like deflect compliments. You like very good at like. I'm an ninja. Dodging flowers when like very good at like.

I'm an ninja dodging flowers when they are thrown at you. I feel, and I started comedy 98. I feel like your program did more for the growth of stand up comedy as a genre. I would argue you and the Bob and Tom program, in terms of the volume of stand up comed, new stand up comedians that they expose to the world. Maybe comic view, but that was only two or three years.

But like, there was a stretch in my career where you were the only show that would work me. And me and JP Buck, who was your talent, your stand-up hooker. And I met JP years earlier on Star Search, the Star Search reboot with Arsenio, and like O2 or something. Right. That single credit, that was the only four and a half minutes I was on television.

Every year for four years was your show. And that single credit would get me another year in the college market, which got me enough money to stay in LA another year. Because the colleges were paying the bills. The road money was negligible. Right. Because at this point I moved to LA, I was making like, I don't know, 1,200 a week minus commissions, minus airfare.

Right. So it's just a break even damn near. But that show, man. We know it's opportunities. I've got to tell you something though. It's interesting. At first of all, I'll take that because that's, and I'm very appreciative that we were able to have

so much comedy on, but I'll tell you this, and this is true, I wasn't doing you any favors because you are always funny, you're always funny, and you're so good, so when I could say, okay, I got an hour, we got an hour of show to do tonight, but there's six minutes or seven minutes at the end that Roy is going to take over. And it's going to be really good.

You're doing me a favor, you know. So it works both ways. It's one of those things where it's, it's just a two way street. So you always made, brought a lot of professionalism and really funny stuff to my show. And I wanted to start by, we've had, I wanted to start today by saying that I saw your performance on the White House course, Mons dinner. And I thought you were fantastic. I thought you were absolutely fantastic.

And I've done that venue. I've played that thing twice. Once under Clinton, but the hardest one was following Obama, which and Obama, he had. I mean, it was almost like he was hosting the Daily Show. He had audio visual. He had, you know, they had all these stuff. He had all these writers working on it.

He had, I mean, it was perfectly produced. I think he spent more time on that White House Correspondent Center. And he did, I bet the economy tanked the week that he did the Correspondent Center. And he just, you know, and so my experience was, I'm sure it's, maybe it's the same, but you sit with the first lady. Is that what your experience?

It's that right next to Joe Biden. Yeah, and my experience was, I'm sitting next to Michelle Obama and Obama's up there. and he's killing and I know I'm supposed to follow him. And I've got all these jokes which I think are pretty good. I've worked hard on it. He's they don't let you know what what the president's going to do and the president gets to go first. So you're there with all these jokes you've been working on for six months and they're saying Obama oh, bomb is up there. And he'll do one that's kind of close to something that I was gonna do. Cause it's all the same stuff in the news.

So I'm trying to flip through all my blue cards and take out the ones that he's touching to drop him. But at the same time, Michelle Obama's talking to me and she's saying, so you're a children or how old now Conan? And at one point, it's so funny. Cause she's the greatest. She's such a lovely, I've, I've friendly with her.

She's such a lovely person. She's the star in every room. She's beautiful. She's really funny. But in this one moment, I'm thinking, would you please leave me alone? I've got it. I've got to figure out if he's doing my debt ceiling joke or not. I can't remember who it was next to Trevor Noah last year

when Trevor did the corresponding dinner, but Trevor came up there and was like straight laser focused on his set and whoever it was on one side of Trevor, somebody was like, well, why aren't you talking to Trevor? Why didn't you talk to Trevor? They were like, he was focusing on his stuff. You didn't have time to chit chat. Is the way not to do comedy is to make the comedian sit out in front of the

audience for an hour and a half and then watch someone else go up and get the... yeah. Like, and it's just it's a crazy kind of show business but it's a fascinating experience. I later got to talk on this program. I got to talk to President Obama and I said, you know, it's so unfair because you were so I said you're so good and you've got all the best material and You are the most powerful person in the world and comedy is all about status and you get to go first and then with no Ceremony the minute he's done, they just go like,

I'm gonna do him a corner bride. No buffer, nothing. And he said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know it's not fair, but I don't care. I thought that is just so true. What is he care? And then Biden closes with this dark brand in joke, which I guess is like his alter ego.

Yeah, with the sunglasses. Yeah. And so then he's standing there while I'm being introduced. Still milking the laughs. Still milking, milking, still playing the room. And now I have to walk past him to get to the incident. Come on, man, you just rip. Just go, leave. Just get the hell out of here.

Why don't you do it? It's not, you know, it's funny. It's not about the comedian on those nights. That's the other thing. Joe Biden's in my ear. I'm going over cards and then my writers are texting. Hey, man, Kelly and Conway's in the room. Hey, I'm on Twitter right now. Turns off. Fouchy did show up. If you have a Fouchy joke, maybe you should add a Fouchy Joe and then they're just ganging jokes in the WhatsApp thread. And I'm like, guys, everyone please shut the fuck up. I can't. Yes. But thanks for that information. Bill Barr is here.

Oh, okay, cool. Okay, Lynn Jenner's here. Okay, cool. And it's a lot, but it's just trying to figure out at that point where to add a joke. I would say that's when the set for me was like, okay, these are the jokes. Yes.

Fauci, all right, maybe. And then Biden goes up, Biden stepped on, I had a Rupert Murdoch Fox News joke that I just threw out altogether because Biden's was funnier. Yeah. And I just, I could do mine, but it's not gonna lie, even bother. And then his Tucker Carlson and Don Limon stuff hit so hard that I reordered. Yeah. I changed the bad in order to create more space between those two topics for me.

I was doing the same thing. Like this joke comes out, this joke comes out. Okay, Obama just hit that, this joke comes out. This joke's still okay, but it flips up here now because it's got to go earlier to sort of tag what he said. And you're doing all that while the most important woman in the country is chatting you up about, you know, what college do you think your daughter might be interested? We talked about Alabama and the South and barbecue and I was nervous in a weird way because like my first inclination when I spoke with her was just to go, don't worry, you're safe.

when I spoke with her, she just said, go, don't worry, you're safe. Yeah. Like, are you just gaming me to find out what I'm gonna say about? Sure. Yeah, exactly. Cause there's a lot of that shit, the week of, get DMs from people

that particular news organization, Hey, man, how you been? You ready for Saturday? I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to butter me up. Yeah. So I don't go after you. So, you know, she was, she was very nice,

but we're not talking policy and how to solve immigration right? It's just oh Alabama barbecue tastes different from Carolina barbecue. Yes, you're right. It does It's still such a weird event and then how how for me and I don't know if this was right But I chose to also have a care of concern for how the outside world would consume my performance. Because everyone goes, oh, it's a corporate, treated like a corporate gig for an auto manufacturer company.

You're just gonna do your car jokes, car industry jokes, and they're gonna like them. But yeah, but there's people are gonna watch this later and they kinda wanna have a joke that they kinda would relate to. So how do we balance the two? And so then it just became how to use pop culture? Yep in there as kind of the glue like for as long as you hear a word of a thing that you recognize and you're familiar with Yeah, like the joke at the top about the Fox news

I'm not gonna do any jokes about dominion because dominion will come after you matter fact dominion is my favorite about dominion because dominion will come after you. Matter of fact, dominion is my favorite part of the machine. If you want the truth, have dominion in the booth. Yeah, such a great joke. Yeah. So then the tag was, if there's people, there's the original joke was, if there's two people you don't want to see in court,

it's dominion and cardie B. Yeah. Either you know the cardie B, four million defamation suit story, or you don't. Yeah. And one of my writers, I got to give credit to Lily, Lily Bumpkin, she's over to Daily Show. Lily goes also Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yes, and I go, ah, I just, I don't, you swine that world. But guess what, which is smart, and credit to your writer, and you for seeing that, or resonating with you is, okay, now you've let everybody into the tent. Because if you don't know Cardi B,

you definitely know, that means you were definitely falling Guinness trial and saying, yeah, you know, and so, I mean, that brings up. One tag informs you about the tag you don't understand. Yeah, you were hitting both sides, which doesn't always happen, you know what I mean? And I thought, so yeah, you can get up there and you can go after Tucker Carlson,

but you were also had plenty of stuff on Don Lemon, and it was pretty clear that you were not playing favorites with the right or the left, which I think is really important right now. The debate, the biggest debate within assembling the whole set was, when do we hit Biden? Do you hit him before or after truck? Mm-hmm. To set up the whole set was, when do we hit Biden? Do you hit him before or after truck? To set up the whole idea of, oh no,

I'm gonna go at the liberals too. Sure. But if you go at Biden too soon, you lose the whole room. Yeah. Because you haven't earned their trust with any Joe. It's like, so what do you do? Yeah.

So we just, we stack the set with what I like to call soft targets first that I feel like everybody in the room would be okay with. So Fox News, Tucker, Santos, Don Lemon, and then Trump a little bit, but not too much Trump as to not make you think that this whole thing is about Trump. Yep. Then you go into everybody else. You had this great joke about, you know, France is burning to the ground because they people

do not want to work in extra two years. They want to retire at 62 and on 64. And they're literally burning Paris. And he said, and we have a guy here who is 81 or 80 and is begging us to get to work for four more years. And to me, that was, I mean, I was laughing really hard, but it's also so fun to see Biden has to laugh. You know, and it's also a really funny joke.

It's a really funny joke that you can relate to. And it's not, but I thought what was really smart is the first thing you do when you got up to the podium because you got to get him early. First thing you do when you got up to the podium, you said, oh, there's, I think you left some documents up here. I was, I was, I was, first joke. And it's just silly, because it's so silly

that he's accidentally left some top secret documents at the podium. And they cut to him and he laughs. And it's like, you know, that's, to me, that's great because you broke the ice. And it's also, it's such a silly joke. Like, you know what I mean? It's, it's silly this, you get stuff on the podium

and leave some top secret documents. I was, I was howling at that. It was great to have right away. That, but that was horrific. Cause I can't, that was a bit, I couldn't run into comedy clubs. I mean, you know me, I'm gonna try and get all work perfect. Yep, yep.

Which you can't do. You can try, but it's not possible. So I knew where the tent pole laughs were. Yeah were yeah, yeah, I know where the support beams were Yeah, but all that stuff in between I didn't know if the doctor that document joke doesn't work. I'm screwed I think I read somewhere that once you used to talk to your hamster. Yeah, yeah, getting picked. Yeah, Joel. Yeah.

Going to the real blown conversation. Hey, I disagree. Yeah, you're actually getting into response. Yeah, not like just you only understand me. Like, yeah, that's what do you think? Oh, really? Okay, well, I knew I'd do that. Today they would medicate you.

That's the problem. Not realizing that that was the medication because that was the outlet. When outside, I played a state out of trouble for the most part in the neighborhood. My mom got me a really nice basketball goal. There was a park up the street. I grew up on the west side.

And there was a park on Pearson Avenue, Carp Outerly Park. And that was the free public park with the courts, we made drinking and fighting. And like, there was always something going on. So my mom would keep me from going to Powerdily all the time. She got me in the boys' club and then she also put a basketball goal in my yard.

The way our yard was set up, we had really high trees. So we had the only shaded driveway in peak 1 p.m. Alabama heat. So everybody would come from powderly, why play in direct sunlight when you'll play a Roy Wood house. And so people would just come to, and it was very smart of your mom to, to, to do that because it's, they say when you become a parent and then your kids as mine are teenagers, everyone says you want your house to be the base. You want people coming over to your house, because it's safer. Yeah, yeah, and all you have to do is my mom,

it's just listen for the dribble of the ball. So you know I'm out there. Yeah. And so that became a way that I met everybody in the neighborhood and I had a respect to my father, my parents, all the riff rap that happened and powdery never happened at our house. Just on some, you know, just on some respect

your elders types. Yeah. So I want to make sure I educate anyone is listening that you mentioned your father, your father Roy Wood senior was a radio broadcasting journalism pioneer and also in the trenches of the civil rights movement in the 60s. Yeah. And you've said he was, there's any march with Dr. King in it, your dad, good chance. Three worlds back. He's probably three rows back. And people in the neighborhood then knew that obviously, that respect probably emanated out from your father

and your mother gave you some sense of protection. My father was the voice in the car when their parents took them to school, doing the news on the Black radio station. So you can listen to all the Black music you want in the morning, but when he stopped for that news break on the fives, that's my pops. Yeah. So that got me a lot of equity within the city,

but I wouldn't say that I was even remotely like on some funny sense of humor shit until high school. And even then it was only baseball because that was where you could be silly because it sports. It's a permission, especially in high school, it's a, sports is permission to behave in ways you're not allowed to at school. So you tell all the crash jokes,

you make fun of each other, and then we would just, as a bench warmer in high school, your job was to heckle the other team. Just heckle them into oblivion. I was good, because that's all I had to do. So there were days where I would literally sit and write heckles in class. To get ready for your game. To get ready for the game.

Like, and just. That's great. Brutal shit, bro. Like stuff you couldn't even, places you couldn't even go with you or now, but just brutal and just yelling at across the diamond at a total stranger and seeing the look of frustration in their face. Like, I know I'm getting to you. And then to the point where if you got the, if you got the parents to chuckle, like that was an applause break, if you got the umpire to call time out because the umpire had to

laugh, that's a standing ovation. And that was the goal. The goal of every game was to break the umpire. But not realizing that that was essentially just honing improv, John. Sure. Yeah. And just working on crowd work. It's a crowd works. Well, all this stuff, everyone has their own versions about it, a version of it, but I know what you're talking about, which is, you know, I come from a big family, so we all sit around this round table that's still at my parents' house. I know exactly where I sat, and I know that that's where I tried to get the whole table laughing.

I was in JROTC in high school, and when we would have to do drill some mornings and we would start with running They had like this quadruple tennis court. Yeah, so we'd have to do laps around the whole perimeter of this tennis court And as we're jogging I'm calling the jog like a Kentucky derby And they're getting to turn two turn two and they're pulling even its raw and next harmonic a Monica coming up on Alsack coming up on the inside of Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major's coming in. And you're supposed to be controlling your breath because you're running and you're doing this bullshit.

It doesn't matter. What's falling short, what's falling short, but as they get into that, that was who I was. Yeah. So we're laughing as we're running around the space. And that's when you start learning about comedy as this like tool of manipulation.

It's literally, I bet you I can make you detour from whatever your mental objectives are right now by doing something. It's like telling with your mouth. Yes, yes. Yes. It's like telling with your mouth. Yes, yes. Yes. You know, I'm curious.

Your father is very revered figure. I think he passed away when you were pretty young. Yes, 16. 16 years old. Would he have, what would he think of your career as a standup? Would he approve of that move? I don't think so. He would approve now based on the material that I'm doing now.

Right. We chose that to remember. My father like saw every horrible thing that you could name because he just had to cover it in the name of journalism. Yeah. Like foreign war reporting. So he saw like African civil wars, which are way worse in terms of body counts and the heinousness because a lot of that goes on to report it, right?

So he's seen stuff. So nothing's funny, Tim. And so case in point when he worked at WVLN in Chicago, my father was the first news director at this black on black news station. And we are a news station that only does black news. Like if the end and NPR stood for. Say it. No.

So they were dedicated to the black experience and uplifting black people. My father hired a guy named Don Cornelius to be a DJ. Don Cornelius was a police officer in Chicago. He put my father over there and gave him a ticket. I didn't know that. That's where Don Cornelius's origin story. He was a member of law enforcement for about a year, maybe less than two for sure.

Pulse my dad over. In the course of giving my father a ticket my dad just goes You have a nice voice. Here's my card Quit doing this shit come by the radio station So Don Cornelius starts in radio under my father as a reporter at WVO in and during that time is the Don's Understanding the media grows. He comes up with the idea for soul train comes to my dad My dad was one of the initial investors and gave Don some of the money that he used ultimately for the the idea for soul train comes to my dad. My dad was one of the initial investors and Gave Don some of the money that he used ultimately for the first pilot for soul train and then when it came time to get my dad

His money back Don Cornelius goes to my father. It's like, hey, man. Instead of me paying you back Why don't you just stay on board? You know, I I'm when you you know This is I just want you to be a part of this. To which my dad told Donald Cornelius and I quote, mother fucker, nobody wants to watch Niggas dance for an hour. Give me my fucking money. So my dad just was not with party culture. He was not with the fun. He just couldn't see. Also, I mean, yeah, and it's hard to blame him because of everything he saw

and being in the trenches of the civil rights movement like that. And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do-

And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do-

And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do-

And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- And then some do- people who want more for themselves for the community. You couldn't see it. When I was in middle school, I was in a dunk tank for our soccer team that raised money for jerseys. And my dad came up to the dunk tank and cut me out and told me to get out the dunk tank in front of everybody. Like, get out of there.

You know about his fool. You ain't gonna be nobody's fool. Oh, this joking and shucking. Get that lesson. I'm like, it's a dunk tank. We're raising money. It's just, I'm just gonna get splashed in some water. Yeah, we're raising money so we have decent uniforms

because when you're a black middle school, you're only playing whites. This is soccer in 88. It's not a lot of black schools playing soccer. So we're playing all of the, our uniforms, bro. Ping, we at Ping, we borrowed jerseys from the partners in neighborhood growth,

which was like the police athletic league at the time in Birmingham. So you have a community league that has jerseys from the partners in neighborhood growth, which was like the police athletically get the time in Birmingham. So you have a community league that has jerseys. We're borrowing their jerseys. That's how poor our school was. And then my dad is like, nah, I get your ass about it out. And it was very embarrassing. And I just remember after that,

I just never tried to be funny around him again. Cause you're not with jokes, bro. He was a lot of things, he was not hilarious. You know, for the longest time, because I talked to so many people, that is not your trajectory, you were serious about being a journalist. Yeah, dude, I was.

You were serious, serious young man. I wanted to do sports, though. Let me add that caveat. I knew that I did not carry my dad's intensity. And in mind you, the year before he died, when I was 15, I got my learners permit. So I got to drive him to all of his speaking engagements. So I just sat and just watched him just go on stage and just spit fire for like a year and a half, just churches and community centers and anything within three hours of Birmingham,

I was the driver. Hey boy, get off that Nintendo. Come take me to Tupelo. Yeah. And I would just sit and just watch him just destroy it with just words. But I knew I couldn't do that. It wasn't until Kenny Main, there's four people. It's Stuart Scott, it's Kenny Main, it's Jenny Moose from CNN. And this guy Van Erle Wright, who at the time, was at CNN Headline, knows he think he bounced around

to a couple of sports organizations. But those four people were kind of like the brain trust. And then I honorable mention afraid Hickman RIP, but like those people with the journalism were fun and quirky. Ginny moves did offbeat stories. She didn't really do sports, but it was quirky, weird shit. I was like, all right, that's interesting.

Stuart talks like me, Vanneau, right, we'll do that. Sports and then like, that was the era. That was the era of when hit line news was a 30 minute repeating broadcast and the sports section was 90 seconds and they had a guy and it's crazy to think about this now, but there was a guy at a time people were in 90 seconds. He had to give you the score of every game of the big four sports in this country. Yeah. Yeah. Ape shit like talking speech and some bone thugs in harmony. But he enunciated every word he had with humor.

Sure. You know, Jays down the race, like no time for the score of the game. Just who won? Yeah. Ganges fall to the clip and slump and slump and slump and slump. Speaking of the lake stuff, let me yapples. It's crazy to think we now have four ESPNs. That's the way the cultures changed.

It used to be, you've got 90 seconds to cover all of news. Because there was no ticker. Right, exactly. This idea of constant access to sport scores was fucking far in in 1994. So you had to watch it. I knew, so I go to school and I'm like, okay, well, I'll just, I'll do journalism.

This feels right. Oh, damn, it's the family business. Well, I didn't really plan on that. Because I really wanted to, what I wanted to be was like a firefighter up until like my senior year of high school. And then Stuart Scott was the thing that like finally pushed me over the edge.

So I get to school. I start doing journalism classes. Part of the prequisites for journalism classes, or theater classes for voice addiction. Public speaking, you had to take a public speaking class as well. Within the public speaking class, you had to take, you had to take an impromptu speaking. That was like a month of coursework. It was impromptu speaking. During that month of impromptu speaking. That was like a month of course, but it was impromptu speaking. During that month of impromptu speaking, the teacher would give you a subject,

you go out in the hall for 90 seconds or three minutes, whatever she gave you. And you come back in and give a speech on that topic as if you were an expert. So it was like improvised TED talks. Every time I did it, I got a laugh. Because I didn't know what I was doing. And it was clear I didn't know what I was doing.

To the point where the teacher accused me of trying to, you know, you're making fun of this. I'm like, I'm not. I don't know why they laugh. They just laugh. But I also knew that I liked the fact that they laugh. Yeah. So I will come back in and that was the manipulation again.

That training is also improv training in a way. It's the same thing, which is go up there with nothing, but with great confidence, make something. Yeah, and so that was the first hit of true performance dope, as I like to call it. Right. We also have to take a creative writing course, you know, like a couple different options,

like essay writing, whatever reason, I chose screenwriting. So this is all part of journalism, prequisite, whatever, knowing what I know now, all you're teaching me how to create a documentary or write out a story doc. Right. You know, before you write a script, you must think about where you're going.

What story are you trying to tell? So the script writing class was very pivotal to and like the entertainment juices starting to flow. Yep. And so I had always been curious about stand-up comedy. I went and watched it a couple times. I went to Florida A&M, but Florida State had comedy more frequently. And so I would go over to Florida State and watch their stand-up shows once a week or whatever

just to see if it was going to Bobby Lee like was there like like just guys that are just Titans now but at the time which is just unerased. Erie Spears like a lot of a lot of the mad TV folks some SNL. And so at the same time me and my buddies were still in jeans from the mall like that's my that's just my thing. I wanted to look nice. It was not some big, because you know what's fucked up about getting arrested in this country

is that the police automatically assume you to be doing more than what they caught you for. Like the concept of petty crime does not exist in our society psyche anymore. It can't just be a kid being a kid. It's just, oh, no, what were you up to? What else are you doing? Are you dealing with Al Qaeda?

I'm sorry, what? Yeah, yeah. Credit card fraud ring that's tied to Al Qaeda. And Al Qaeda has been using credit cards to purchase it. Hey, man, I took a credit card that wouldn't mind. I bought some jeans during press a girl that lives up the street from campus. That's what I did. Okay, that's all it was. So, yeah. This idea of going to prison or thinking or assuming I was going to prison,

that was enough for me to go. Let me try comedy. Yeah. But then, but here's the upside, though, I got suspended from school for like almost a year. For what? Because you can't be enrolled and commit felonies. They're like, you need to go somewhere and sit your ass down. Because I'm working in the campus post office at the time. And so that's where we're getting the credit cards from. So if you commit the crime, you took the credit card from campus. So therefore, that is the crime that you're going to suspend you on. Right. Even if the Fed's go, we're just going to hit you for credit card as the actual charge.

You still did this act on campus. Yeah. And that is duplexes is that it's not reflective of a rat. Get the fuck off the campus. Uh-huh. So I'm suspended, but then I get my financial aid check. I still, whatever God bless the federal student loan and efficiency and knowing what I know now,

they just sent me the money so that they could keep it in my ass with the interest. But I had a check for $8,000 and nowhere and nothing to do for like five months. All right, let's go do some open mics. And so that money became the front money for the beginning of me doing open mics around the South, just like riding a bus, you know,

for the most part I was sleeping the bus day. I hoarded the money, because I didn't know what I would get it, you know, getting me more, but I paid rent off of gold and corral and the financial aid money, that was the money I used to start my comedy career. And then I get back in school and

Just fucking deans list the rest of the because at this point my mom my mom found out like no one knows that I'm doing this shit I know my mom's not gonna approve cuz you know, hey, I almost went to jail But I got it figured out Joyce. I'm gonna just sleep in bus stations And stand up will be my way. Trust me. Yeah. Everything's fine. College administrator of 40 years. This is a solid plan. One of her students saw me sleeping in the bus station and snitched on me. And that's how my mom found out I was doing comedy. It's like, oh, at this point, I was almost a year into it. And she asked me to stop. I I refused and I said, well, how about this? If I make good grades, because my grades were shaky up until that point,

like I was like a two, three, two, four student, I go, how about this? If I make good grades while I do karma, you have to shut the fuck up, like not like that, but like that was the basic deal. If I make good grades, you have no say on anything else that happens in Florida. And she goes, cool.

And then I made daints list. And then she bought me a car so that I wouldn't sleep in a bus station. When did she come see your comedy for the first time? Year three, year two. Did she like it? Not bombed. It was a coffee shop gig.

It was like, it's like, one of those rare bombs, like a local bomb. Coffee machine was still going on. Like she didn't see me at the Ramada Inn where I normally do well She saw like she came and saw an open mic Because she was in town for some other shit. Yeah, and I bombed and that was her image of me doing comedy for like the next like fucking three or four years And then when I when I'm I graduated and I moved back to Birmingham and I started performing at the Star Dome, which is like the big time club,

there still is. And the Star Dome, again, her students and her coworkers would see me and they would go to her and go, we saw your son, your son is funny. And then enough of that. And then my mom was like, okay, well, let me, let me go investigate this stuff. So those of you listening who haven't seen Royce set

on the White House Correspondence Center, I thought, a moment that gave me chills is you're very funny, you've got really good jokes, you're in control, and then at the end, you take a minute and you talk about why are we all here? This is to raise money and donations for a young correspondence. This is to try and and donations for a young correspondence. This is to try and help get responsible young journalists

out there and give them a start. You talk about the lack of support for local news and how important local news is. You give a shout out to your mom, who's, they put a camera on her, and you can tell that this is an amazing full circle. I got all these chills. You know, now I also may have been ill.

I may have had an infection. And then I got really sick. No, I did. The fish are the steak. I had both.. No, I did. The Fisher, the steak. I had both. Now full circle for sure. My mom lives a life of, you know, she's just in the shadow, she helps people.

Like I would argue, it's not even an argument. My mom has done more for people in the city of Birmingham than I could ever do. Just from the countless students that she's helped get across the graduation stage and into their careers who are now prospering within the city. It's interesting in that I can be in public and I can have people come up and go, I love the daily show, but when I'm in Birmingham, it's people coming up and telling me stories about my mom. Yeah. Man, let me tell you man. Your mama made sure that I

And I got pregnant and my mama made sure I didn't drop out it. So She doesn't hear those stories. She didn't get told. Thank you enough in my opinion for just everything that she's ever done Just for me, but just for this is thank you for everything sure just a whole life thing Let me just knock that out real fast. Yeah, that was a really nice moment. And as I said, resonated with me and was very, very powerful. Incredible. You mentioned the Daily Show.

Got to ask, how do you like that gig? I like it. I think it's, I think late nights changing. I don't know what though. Yeah. So I said, I think that's a little uneasy It's been very fun. You know Trevor's departure was definitely not a shock Him leaving was not a shock to me when was more of the shot and how yeah, you know like yeah that

But because I don't even think anybody knew no one knew Yeah, not a soul and you just said it on the show. And then we went to a commercial break. And I was like, what? Have you asked him about that thought process that went behind that? Or is that a mystery? I think a lot of it was just boiled down

to I just didn't want anybody to talk me out of it. Because when you're doing something that my human or everybody's gonna have an opinion, and I should seem taking control over his own life and decisions. So I respect it. I enjoy it. I've had a lot of fun on the daily show.

The question becomes, what is late night changing into? Because our job is to parody the news. But if the way people get their news is changing, then the vehicles and how we parody have to match the evolution of how news is consumed. Yeah. But how news is being consumed, that's the question that has to be explored and looked at. How do you parody Marjorie Taylor Green? How do you parody what's really happening? Because what's really happening, Santos, and back in the day, when I was getting started writing comedy in college,

you know, as part of this lampoon organization that would do like a parody of Time Magazine, a parody of Newsweek, and you can parody something that's got a straight line. You can parody something that's very stiff and form. And universally everybody understands this. And then so a parody of it is kind of delightful, but we always knew you can't parody the national

Inquirer. I think Saturn at live struggles with that. I think everybody struggles with it. Yeah, I do think that there is a way to Fish in a different pond from the traditional People who we get the opinions from yep. Yep. So I think that's part of the evolution You know when you look at TikTok and Instagram what's interesting and what and a lot of this is from the shutdown, a lot of people who were former consumers of information now report themselves to be distributors of information. And we regular Joe Blow people accept them as aggregators. Well, this guy Tim said it. So let me see what Tim has to say.

He's got a good camera and that's a nice lens. I trust him now. I got a good bean bag chair behind. Yeah. I follow him on YouTube now. Yeah. So there are more people putting information out there as well. And I think to a degree, you know, as a society

As a country at least we've become okay with not caring who we get our news from Yeah, or the accuracy of it and I think that the parody lies in that. Yeah, I think the parody lies Not necessarily in what the news of the day is but The delivery method of it. And as we would, you know, people go to bed, like, let's just be real about the ratings, the ratings of linear television as a whole, not even late night. Everything's going down. So if ratings are going down, part of it is because people are laying in bed looking at Tim and his beanbag and his LED light because that's just as good and entertaining for them as what's nice and polished

on a shiny floor studio. Yeah, I will tell you this. I'm an old timer and I came up in late night at a time when late night shows. There weren't that many, but because of the way TV was structured, these shows made money hand over fist. And that's why shows had an orchestra. They had a big band. They had money, but that is not the way it is anymore. And so you will see the effects. The effects will be maybe some of these late night shows, you know, as hosts retire, a leave will be replaced with something else. Maybe that time will go back to the affiliates. Everyone's speculating, but who knows what's gonna happen?

I do have to say this because I know you're a busy man. I'm gonna let you go, but I do sincerely feel really good man. You're very thoughtful and crazily talented. And I'm glad you're out there and you're thinking about this because I think it makes me feel better about the whole comedy. I'm serious. I'm being honest with you. It makes me always have been very impressed with you.

And the more you do, the more just crazily impressed I am. So go forth, continue doing great work, and I know that we're in good hands. Like when I meet people much younger than me who are, you know, ethical and wise and creative, I feel better. I sleep better at night. So thank you. Well, seriously, thank you, brother. Yeah. Appreciate you for having me. Well, I appreciate you. Now, please get out. I wanted it to end with me throwing you out.

Get out. I said get out. Recently, I was in New York City and I was walking down the street and a gentleman came out of his establishment. The establishment is EJ's luncheonette and this guy J came out, J L Moore I believe. We started chatting. He offered up that he would make sandwiches that are named after the three of us because he's a regular podcast listener.

I thought that was very nice. So we came up with some ideas for sandwiches. I guess they're selling them at EJ's luncheon at. I'd like to know what's going on. Do you have an update here? That's right. I've been talking a little bit with Jay, who seems like a wonderful person. So now you had a euro.

You had a corn beef kind of thing. And I had a matty melt on Hawaiian bread. What's what it was called. And then he gave me an update on this. And also he put the chilled chum cocktail on there. Remember that from... This is a good fan. He really knows the stuff.

He said, just wanted to thank you for everything. I hope you all enjoy having your own sandwich. It was an honor and a pleasure to do them. Should we add the cocktail? Blah blah blah blah. And then just a fun thank you for everything. I hope you all enjoy having your own sandwich. It was an honor and a pleasure to do them. Should we add the cocktail, blah, blah, blah, blah? And then just a fun frack for you. The Maddie Melt almost doubled the amount sold of Conan and Sonas sandwich on the first day. Things have leveled out since with Conan's sandwich

and Sonas Euro. Thanks again for everything. Truly super cool of you guys to do. You've made my day slash week slash month slash year. That's very sweet. That's nice. Wait a minute. First of all, what he's saying is that initially,

your sandwich took off and ours did not. I mean, ours probably did fine, but yours went through the roof. Yeah. Yours again, what's in it? It's Hawaiian bread. And then it's a pattymale essentially. Yeah, come.

And mine was, I believe believe your classic corn beef Russian dressing But I think it's on a bulky roll possibly. I don't know. I mean, that's a great sandwich and then Your mind was a euro without tomatoes. Okay. Yeah, what's a euro again a euro is it's enough It's a it's Greek and it's a pita sandwich with like donut lamb donut and lettuce and taziki. Right. And onions. Okay. So your sandwich was the initially the clear winner, but what I find curious is that then your

sandwich was fast out of the gate, but now it feels like it's the mania for it has died down. No, I wouldn't say that. I would say that people wanted to give the other ones a shot, and then probably we're going to see a huge boost in the Maddie Meldigan as they realized that was a mistake. And they couldn't go back to their true love.

Or they tried it and it sucked. But why would they try it so much? Well, initially it's not the same people buying it over and over. Yeah, it's not. It's not. I'm out there buying. No, first of all, we all know that you hired people,

Confederates agents to go in there and Purchase your sandwich to to game the system. I think there's a lot of people who aren't familiar with Hawaiian bread They thought it was exotic. They probably thought it was a way to win a free trip to Hawaii and so That that probably skewed things a little bit then they came to their senses and said man corn beef Russian dressing That's a classic. No, there's no human that tastes so I am bread that will ever go back. It's that good. What if I can find someone who's had a taste of Hawaiian bread and didn't like it, they don't exist. Isn't Hawaiian bread small? Yeah, I think you can get it bigger. Can you? Yeah, normally they come

with those little slider buns. Yeah, yeah. So it's like a slider. So maybe you were selling so many because people Yes, thank you in order to look at the subject. They cheat themselves. Yes, they needed seven of your sandwiches to equal one of mine. And that's why yours sold more per sandwich. There's a big one piece. Let me say a Hawaiian bread. Stop your bullshit dickery. Also, who wants a big Hawaiian? I do. I have to say. I have to say everyone, everyone will do a small thing. Wait a minute, Sonya of the three sandwiches,

only one has an American flag sticking out of it. That's right, we covered this. Hold it. And it's Gorlies. That's why you're out selling it, because we're a patriotic people. Americans. You cheated.

No, this is why I do. Because when you're, you know, I do have to put that in. Remember the 48 stars? I know, but I fucked up. I'm admitting that I, this alters the experiment because the fact that your sandwich is flying an American flag and your zero. It's a year.

I mean, okay, you could pronounce it gyro like. Yeah, gyro. There you go. By the way, it's pronounce it gyro like gyro. There you go. By the way, it's also Havarian bread. Yeah. Okay. Um, and it is a corned beef. What? Uh, it is a corned beef. Uh, anyway, this is what's happening. Your sandwich looks like it's pro-American. Our sandwiches are neutral. But if you're buying something at EJ's luncheon, you assume that our sandwiches are anti-American

Because if well maybe they are if if one person on the streets flying the American flag Yeah, and the other two houses on either side can speak usually or not that means they're communist maybe or yeah Are there anarchists or anarchists? Socialists, but there's a market for those people and our sandwiches are for those people. No don't say that you hate America No, no, that's absolutely right. No, we've got you're not see you're a Nazi Nazi, no, I think that I I that's not is that even Hawaiian bread. Yes, I don't think it is That's regular bread wearing a little Hawaiian is. No, it's regular bread. That's regular bread, wearing a little Hawaiian shirt. No, that's what it is.

Here's what I think we should do. These are classic quips, I'm giving by the way. Jay, I want to reach out, Aaron, we gotta make this happen. We need to gold belly these three sandwiches to us, which is a service where you can fly food across the country. I think like it's in a little cooler, like you would put a heart in a transplant. Wow, whatever.

Responsible carbon footprint we're leaving. Sir, with like three sandwiches named after ourselves, flown in a jumbo jet. That doesn't work. Each with a first class seat. I mean, I don't want to say this, but we could just buy this stuff here in the tent.

No, no, no. Oh, no. Spoken like a true communist. Oh, I guess, hold, you guys want to get a whole cooler sender of sandwiches. Yes. Inflates. Yes.

We're in show business. And people in show business have, I want a leg of lamb made up that was slaughtered on Staten Island, flown to me immediately. That's the way people behave. It's just easier for all of you guys to fly to New York. You know what? Eduardo has a point.

Yeah, we probably fly J. J. Oh yeah. And make these sandwiches here. Oh, yeah. I want to update on what the sandwich selling rankings are. Like what's the most current tally? Yeah.

And if you're in New York and you don't buy this euro you hate Greek people But you're an anarchist you're a socialist who hates Greek people sure and if you know by the patty melt You get kicked out of the country. Yeah, yeah, so everyone's gonna buy this By the way honor working with both of you I'm really good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah and dressing. Um, why are we buying these sand? Why is he sending them to us? I'm telling no, we want it. We want people to go to EJs and buy these sandwiches. Oh, he's talking about

having a service. Send them to us like Jay sent us these sandwiches. Yeah. Please. What's the problem with that? Huh? Brotherhood from C to shining genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius.

I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. I'm just a little bit more of a genius. We'll figure it out and we'll do it. And I think a way that's responsible. Yeah. Yeah, irresponsible. That's important.

All right, we'll update you. God bless and good night. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco Hotline at 3-2-3-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, Needs a Friend on Apple

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