Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Safari So Goody

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Conan chats with safari guide Alex about his most intense experiences in the field and what animal Conan most identifies with.  Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay. Let's get started. Hello, Alex. How are you? I'm good, Conan.

This is awesome. Hey, Sona. Hi. Okay. I just have to comment on this because I'm looking at Alex. You're, of course, all listening, but Alex is, well, Sona, I think it's a very handsome man. Yeah.

I think this is... You were taken aback by it. I kind of noticed that you saw him and you were like, oh. Yeah. It's not my fault. We're on Zoom and I just got rattled for a second and just instinctively tried to kiss him and then realized what's a Zoom. I know.

A little hard, yeah, with the computer screen and the internet and the cables and stuff. Yeah. And then there's the whole wife and she's like, well, what's that all about? That would get awkward. Yeah. Come on. You always suspected, you know? And then it's also just very inappropriate to just meet someone right away and then just

try to kiss them. Yeah, you hear that. That's also kind of weird. I consider it brave. It's popular. We're up. Okay. Let's get to the crux of the matter, Alex, here.

Fine-looking fellow and you look like you're wearing like safari gear. Constantly. I looked at the available wardrobe options and wife and said, full Steve Irwin. Let's go. That's cool. Yeah. Thank you. You have a Steve Irwin vibe and also I'm looking at your room behind you.

And is that, I mean, it looks like you've got really cool stuff. It looks like you're living in a very cool space. Yeah, this is our house. It's built in 1918, so zero insulation. But we filled it with this weird, my wife is a very patient woman. I've just filled it with my brain everywhere. So she puts up with a lot. Got it.

Very nice. Now tell us what you do at, first of all, what part of the world are you in? What do you do? Tell us about yourself. I'm in Sonoma, California, and I'm an anthropologist and professional safari guide. Oh, you are a safari guy. Hence this, oh, so the safari gear is, yeah, you've earned it. It's not an affectation.

You are a safari guide, so that you should be having an owning close like that. Where do you lead safaris? Mostly South Africa. Oh. Have you been? I've never been to South Africa. I've never been on a safari. I've never seen any, you know, African animals.

I'm intrigued by the whole thing. Tell us what that's like. So how long have you been doing this for? So I kind of backpedal, I guess. I've been doing this for about five years, but I've been working in the public speaking arena as a park ranger for about 10 years off and on. I started with the California State Parks, eventually just decided because it's been like a lifelong obsession, Africa's where I want to go.

You know, as a kid, it was always African stories, African movies, African adventure tales, that kind of stuff. Also, I mean, they just win in every animal category. 100%. You know, look, yeah, like, what are you going to, oh, look, there's another brown bear. You know, there's, if we, oh, look, there's the same kind of snake we saw two days ago in the day before that. You know, it gets old, but in Africa, you've hit the jackpot, right?

Well, it's, I think it's perspective, because if people from there came here, they'd be like, oh my God, a bear, but. No, they wouldn't. No, they wouldn't. Are you sure? No, they wouldn't. No, they wouldn't. Elephant bear.

Yeah, anyone who grew up seeing elephants, bears, rhinos, giraffes, I'm sorry, you say it's perspective, but it's not. They would come here and go, oh, look, a squirrel. How terrifying. And then they would laugh at our faces. They have squirrels in Africa. Yeah. Yeah, but I think they're 60 feet tall.

They are. They're actually known for that and big, sharp teeth. Yes. They're more of a velociraptor than a squirrel there. But anyway, so, okay, so you lead these tours and you are, what's that like? I mean, you're taking people, I've never been on one. I've always wanted to go, but are you the guy that's driving the Land Rover with no, you know, hood on it?

I mean, no ceiling on it, roof, are you the one that's driving the Land Rover right up to the Rhino? Yeah. Like getting a little too close? Totally. Yeah, and then have now evolved to very smartly in March of 2020, started my own safari company. Great time to start a travel company. So kind of shifted roles from being primarily the guy driving the truck to now it's more

of a hosting role. My job is to entertain the guests, make them feel comfortable, happy, you know, just bring them through their whole experience. But ultimately, yeah, the guy physically driving the car and showing people wildlife. And I have to say, I've learned so much about doing my job from listening to you guys on this podcast. Because when you guys start talking about comedy and stand up, I'm like, all of that is exactly what I'm doing because it's all based in live performance, you're in front

of people and it's making people happy. It's making people engaged and, you know, try to laugh at something or feel like they're being interchanged. So I've learned a hell of a lot about my job from you guys. Okay. I have to say, Alex, no one has ever said that they've learned anything from this podcast. And I think this is a real mark of your low character. It is.

Wow. How am I going to... Oh. Oh. No, I'm sorry. I just... So, I mean, do you get scared when you're driving up to these incredibly unpredictable animals that can kill you in half a second?

Do you have fear or no? No. I'm going to go with the macho answer. No, I have no fear. Sure. I mean, it's once you get comfortable around big animals that you start to realize you can read patterns, you can read their behaviors, you know, they're just like us. So it's more about personal space at that point, like you don't want to get right up

next to something. If you don't have to, you got to read what it's doing. It's hard to translate to people that have maybe never seen it because, you know, you're talking about a 10,000 pound elephant and people automatically are like, oh my God, that's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life, but it's also the most majestic thing you've ever seen. And now I'm going to take you in a car and get as physically as close to it as I possibly can, just to freak you out.

Because if I've got my A game on, I'm reading the animal and understanding what's happening while still giving it enough space to feel comfortable. Have you ever completely misread an animal? Not yet. Okay. All right. Like, you're like, trust me, I'm check this, this water buffalo is not vibing me at all. He seems really, whoa, I'm sorry, well, you're dead.

I've had weird encounters like when I was at guiding Academy, so that was two months of living in the bush in a small pup tent and total immersive experience. They want you exposed every single day to just anything that could go wrong. So snake in the tent, been there, done that. No water and camp, been there, done that. I got up one night to go to the bathroom, which we had like latrines built outside. And it was one of those moonlit nights, you're under that just epic African starry sky. And you know, spider senses tingle and you're like, what, what is that shadow?

And I look and there's just a lion standing there about eight feet away from me. And we're both equally freaked out by each other. So it's this weird moment of like, I'm going to go my way if you go your way. I just zipped the tent up and peed my pants. Oh, my God. Well, mission accomplished then. Yeah, headed out to either way to urinate. Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

My main question was going to be, did you eventually get to empty the urine? And he answered my question. So empty the urine. What other, I mean, so you've not been attacked, you've not been charged. You've pretty much had a charmed life as a safari guy. Well, no, let's not say that. There's there's been situations that could get ugly fast. And everybody says animals, you know, animals, oh, that's a dangerous animal.

And I'm like, is it though? I mean, any person could be dangerous. I instead, I'd rather call animals hazardous. And again, it's about reading them. So I've been in situations where we haven't, and I wasn't the one driving, but we haven't correctly read what was happening and been charged by things. And usually that's kind of a, hey, you're up in my business moment, that kind of thing. I've been stalked by leopards on foot.

I've had crazy situations with rhinos. And it's more of like a, I don't know, it's like a gamble. Like you chose to be in that environment. So part of I love how you're being kind of vague. You said crazy situations with rhinos and you're not specific. So to me, that means maybe you got in on a timeshare with a rhino. And it didn't financially turned out to be like a bad move. And the rhinos like, no, I'm using it Memorial Day Week.

And you're like, no, we talked about this. You used it. No, this is completely, you can't have a Memorial Day and Labor Day. And the rhino's like, Hey, what the fuck, you know, you didn't say anything. So I'm assuming it wasn't a timeshare problem with the rhino. That's usually the way it goes down. No, my favorite, and I don't know, favorite's a weird term there, was in guiding Academy of all things.

We were out learning about guiding people on foot, which is a whole other experience because you're vulnerable. You're, you know, totally exposed. And our instructor stopped to look at a tree. And he's going on and on. It's an ancient leadwood tree. Leadwoods live for hundreds and hundreds of years. So he's talking about it and we're all fascinated.

And then wasps started coming out of it and stung my leg, which felt kind of like having a cigarette lighter just shoved into your skin. Right. Right. So my leg starts swelling. I can't walk. And there's a saying in South Africa, which is TIA. This is Africa. Just go with it. So our instructor, our instructor looked at my leg and went, TIA,

we're going to go find a black rhino. So I'm hobbling on the trail to find this black rhino, which we did find. And I would, I would have to say that's probably been the most frightening experience of my life because black rhino. So you got. OK, so I'm sorry, keep going, keep going. I didn't mean to interrupt. Black rhinos are known for being a little bit more territorial, whereas a white rhino is going to be kind of chill most of the time.

The joke is the chubby unicorn. So to find a black rhino on foot, totally exposed with a swollen leg with a wasp sting in it. I was like, if this dude freaks out, I'm not going to make it back to camp. My God, you are so cool. Well, now listen. That is so don't you want to come in? Do you want to kind of want to be Alex?

Well, I was going a different way, so I mean, I think Alex is cool, but I think I end in I encounter dangers like that all the time in my life. I know, no, Alex, nothing like that on my show over the years. Oh, my God. No, a celebrity comes out. I don't I have to read that celebrity. I have to figure out, you know, you know, is Will Ferrell, is Carmen Electra, you know, these people in the right mood and they attack occasionally. You and I have both dealt with the exact same level of danger.

I would say Harrison Ford has the exact same energy as a grumpy rhino. So you've done. Yeah, you've really done my job. Yeah, OK, he really does. And his skin is exactly the same leather. You know, it's very, very thick, leathery and would make a really good couch. And the poaching of Harrison Ford's skin has been a major. Yeah, and I it's got to stop. We've got to save our Harrison Fords.

Their skin do not buy a Harrison Ford coat. Don't get a Harrison Ford golf bag. Don't buy those Harrison Ford shoes you've been eyeing. We've got to stop it now. You seem like you live a thrilling existence. And I and I'm curious, of all the animals you've encountered in life, what's the one that frightens you most? Man, the most pause.

Oh, for God's sake. So I had to. I had to do suck. The most dangerous piece of all is it? No, of the animal kingdom, which one frightens you the most? To be honest, baboons there. I mean, can I can I swear? They're just big motherfuckers. They're they're insane.

And yeah, I don't know if you ever heard one, but often in the morning, it's gorgeous in Africa, just all the animals are making sounds. And then, you know, you're sipping your coffee, you're listening to the birds. There's lions off in the distance, you know, doing that kind of thing. And then you hear Christopher walk in just shouting into the into the woods. Because baboons, when they start shouting, sound exactly like Christopher Walken. And I can't get that image. You know, occasionally, it's been proven to be Christopher Walken.

It has. Yeah, he's out there. But they're just big beehide. When I was last there, just just a few weeks ago, I was in a camp called Skakuza, which is kind of the main capital of the giant Kruger National Park. And I came around this corner and there's just this huge, like as big as I am, six foot, just baboon pommeling this small, little baboon. And I'm just like, what is this? That's called the O'Brien House circa 1971.

That's the Neil baboon beating up on the Conan or Luke baboon. And that happened all the time, all the time. So again, there's no danger you faced that I have not myself experienced. And I'm sorry, sorry. Now, Alex, my producer just texted me and said that you once wrote into our show or tried to somehow participate in my late night show. Is that correct? I did.

So 10 years ago, you guys did a segment called fan corrections. Yes. And this has always been a story. And I'm sure you hear this all the time, but it's been a story that I'm like, if I ever get to talk to Conan, I want to tell him this story, which is you guys did that segment, fan corrections. And this guy. And let me explain to anyone who doesn't know, fan corrections was me boasting that our show was pretty much mistake proof.

And I dared fans to find errors on our show. So they would find things in sketches that didn't line up historically or didn't quite make sense. And they would try to prove that I was wrong. And then we would always cheat and shoot something that proved that we were actually right. And then we would mock the fan for writing in. It's why I have no fans.

24. Anyway, tell me, tell me what your fan correction story is. Well, whoever wrote in it, whatever it was, it was about Beethoven. So you got up and you said, we can't be wrong. We've got rare archival footage of Beethoven in Vienna in 1820. And me being the super nerd that I am, I was like, I can't not point this out because, you know, I'm thinking if I was a producer, I'm going to look for who's got something different to say. So I'm thinking, I'll correct the correction.

So I, you know, I'm thinking like, OK, the film camera wasn't invented until 1832 in France by Joseph Neups. And the standard camera, the film camera was invented until the 1870s by Thomas Edison. Right. So I thought, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a video and I'm going to just try to outline that. And the video was absolute garbage. Just looking at it, I'm like, this is pathetic.

I see why you guys didn't pick it. But I was in my dad's library, which faces our neighbor's house. And I'm trying to record this video. And the whole time I'm doing it, there's this alarm that keeps going off. And I can see people across the fence line shuffling around. And I'm just getting really frustrated because they're ruining every take I'm trying to record. You're you're trying to record something for the Conan O'Brien show,

which is of paramount importance. And your neighbors have an alarm going off, which is very annoying. Yeah. So I'm there just getting more and more frustrated. And you can see it in the end product of the video. It's total crap. But long story short, my neighbor's house was being robbed. Robbed. Oh, my God. And I watched the entire robbery and could identify everybody and did nothing because I was upset about trying to record this bit for your show.

Oh, my God. The police showed up and they were like, does anybody know anything? And I didn't want to come forward because I thought I'd go to jail. Oh, my God. So a crime was committed right in front of you and you did nothing. Absolutely nothing because you thought it was more important to get a fan video into submission for our show. Yep. That's how dedicated I was.

Oh, I wonder. I wonder worldwide how many crimes have gone unsolved, unstopped because we were engaging people in idiocy. And otherwise they would have said, no, no, no, stop this right now and and saved a lot of or that warehouse looks like it's starting to catch fire. But, you know, I'm going to wait 40 minutes because I've got to make this stupid tape of me with the masturbating bear for the Conan contest, you know?

Wow. Probably probably dozens of experiences worldwide, dozens. I think hundreds of thousands, hundreds of thousands. No, dozens. I think dozens. Tens. Tens. A few. Two. I think it's a handful.

Twice. Wow. So, Alex, how often do you go a year to when's the season to go? If I were to go with you to South Africa, when would I go? June through June through November, mostly. OK. And that's so this is kind of a tricky question to answer. I like summertime. In fact, my whole goal is to never see snow and ice again in my entire life, except for the ice in my gin and tonic.

But people want to go. Wow, Sona. I'm sorry, Alex. Sona is laughing at every single joke you make. I do that when I'm sorry because you're mad. I laugh at everything a handsome person says. Even if it's a good looking woman or a good looking man, I'll just laugh. I just want to point out, Sona, that you're married.

Oh, yeah. You know, I'm a good friend with two children. Yes. And here you are, like, you know, Alex will say things like, yeah, well, any who, and you'll be like, any who. You sound a bit jealous. Don't be jealous. You're so, yeah, you are a little, you're so angry right now

because you have to work so hard for it. I'm as angry as the black rhino. Oh, boy. I, you know what? You can read, I know you can read every kind of beast, Alex. Look at me right now. You see that I feel threatened comedically. I can see it in your eyes.

Yeah. And so if I were you, I'd give me space. I'd back up that Range Rover another 15 feet. I'd get out of here because. What are you going to do? Let's go on to the next slide, everybody. No, no, no. No.

What am I going to do? Sona, you've seen me charge. You've seen me tackle three riders at a time. Yes. I'm a monster. That's true. Yeah, you are. Much larger.

You're a baboon. A baboon. This is really cool, Alex. I would love to go on a safari. You've got me psyched about this. I think you'd be a lot of fun on safari, quite honestly. You'd need SPF like 10,000 because the African sun would probably let you on fire.

But I think you would really enjoy it because. I would get a giant hat, like a really big hat, pith helmet, like an oversized one. Yeah, you need a big hat. With the netting that hangs off of it. That's a bit colonial. On the side. Oh, that's not cool.

Well, it's a bit colonial. Okay, so it's a bad, it's no longer PC. Well, I'm just saying, like, it's a look. It's a dated look. Right, right. You look dumb is what I'm saying. Well, I'm trying to be nice about it. But I've definitely.

Oh, I don't have to be nice. You'll look dumb. I've definitely taken people out who've shown up in pith helmets and the tall knee-high leather boots. And you're just like, guys, that's a bit overkill. Well, I see a future where you and I, and of course a doting sonar, go off into the wild. You know, we're on the, we're out there and in Southern Africa.

We're out there on the savannah and we're risking life and limb to get closer to nature. I think that's going to happen. You're on fire. Honestly, I think you'd really enjoy it because it's, to do a safari right, it's a weird quirky academic experience that should leave you feeling just totally floored because I feel like, what's the Hemingway quote?

Is it something like, I only envy the man who's not yet been to Africa? It's a landscape that's going to hit you deep. The Hemingway quote I always think of is, I'll have four more drinks, please. I like that one. I usually save it for five o'clock, but unless you're going full Churchill. He didn't. Neither one of those guys did.

Yeah, no, I can't agree more. I want to go there. I want to see, I want to experience. So maybe our paths will cross again, Alec. That would be really cool. It would. Absolute pleasure talking to you, sir. I look forward to our burgeoning friendship.

I did have one question for you, if you don't mind. Oh, sure. Aside from the obvious, what animal do you most identify with? The obvious. Wait a minute, what's the obvious? An ostrich. Okay, fuck you, man. No, it's all legs, torso, tall.

Okay, that's, I'm sorry, man. You stepped over a line. I'm sorry. That's so, that's so, that's just what you did was just. I can't breathe. What you just did was wrong. I thought you were going to say leopard, speed, agility, grace. None of those things.

You are none of those things. All right. You know that. What animal do I associate with the most? What animal doesn't live that long and is pitted by the other animal? I'm trying to think. I honestly, I haven't thought about it. I don't think I have a spirit animal.

I, there's not an, I don't know. Is there an animal in the animal kingdom that just overthinks things, spends too much time in its head? That's what I'd be. That's a good question. Is there one in Africa that like really just like, oh man, those two cans, they just sit around and regret everything and overdo it. The honey badger is really, really insightful.

That's an animal that spends a ton of time. You can see it in their face. The gears shifting and moving. When I last had some guests, we were having dinner at the, at the lodge and this honey badger came crashing out of the kitchen and ran through the middle of the restaurant with a big, I don't know, piece of meat or whatever in its mouth. That's me.

That's you. I'm honey badger. Yeah. I like that. Honey badger. That's my new, that's my new, that should be my logo now. Honey badger. Honey badger with like a sort of a red pompadour sitting on its head.

Shifty expression. It's funny. Actually, I have a friend who's been, been on your show. When you guys used to bring animals on the show. Yeah. Her name's Lynette. She lives out here in Sonoma and she has a wildlife rescue ranch. So I guess shows down in LA when they need animals for TV,

she often goes down for that. She brought out a serval called Nandi for when you had David Mazajewski on. So she's got all these great photos with you. And she always says of everybody she's worked with, you are the absolute nicest. She said, you're the only, Oh, that's nice. She said, you're the only one that ever would like ask in rehearsal,

like, is it okay if I do this? Or is, you know, you were just, she said very kind with the animals, kind with her. And yeah, she's just, she always says amazing things about you. That's nice. But she, This accidentally turned into some kind of a revelation that I'm not a terrible guy after all.

You're not. You know what? They're going to cut this, they're going to cut this out. That's what's going to happen. We're going to cut it. Damn it. Damn it.

Well, that's nice. No one's ever going to hear that. Please tell her I said hi. I will. And she's got a cockatoo, which is an urban Australia that has this fun kind of yellow pompadour thing that pops up when they get excited. And every time I'm out at the ranch,

we always joke that it's Conan because when they get super going, it's just this big pompadour. Mine becomes, I hate to say it, it's crass, but my hair becomes erect when I'm aroused. That's what the cockatoo does. Yeah, exactly. And it's been, it's many times it's saved me in dangerous situations. Okay, we're going to let that go.

We should end this probably at that point. Yeah, Alex, thank you so much for talking to us. You're an impressive guy and stay safe. And I hope our paths do cross one day. Me too. This was an absolute pleasure. Thank you both so much. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien,

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