Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Sam Richardson

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Actor and comedian Sam Richardson feels honored and obligated to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Sam sits down with Conan to talk about traveling to Ghana together for Conan Without Borders, his childhood obsession with Ghostbusters, and performing on cruise ships and in the hit HBO series Veep. Plus, Conan discovers a brand new effect he’s having on today’s youth. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Sam Richardson, and I feel honored and obligated about being Colleen O'Brien's friend. So hold on, wait a minute, when did I suddenly become jury duty? Hello there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We are now in the third season of this podcast. Started out kind of a lark, and it has grown into, I think we're bigger than Texaco now. Yes, we are a large oil producing company. We are a petroleum company. We have massive holdings all across the world.

I think we're publicly traded. We are a blue-chip stock. It's wonderful what's happened. None of that is true. I'm joined as always by my assistant, Sonam Lossessian. Hi. His job seems to be just to tell me, no, no, that's not true, you're wrong. Why can't I have my little fantasies?

I can fantasize. Okay, if you want to be an oil baron. Who doesn't? There's a lot of money in that stuff. I don't want to do that. All right. And of course, Matt Gorley joining us. Matt.

Yeah, I like this idea that we're just this big oil conglomerate. We're big podcasts. Yes. We crush smaller podcasts. Sometimes Greenpeace takes boats out. Occasionally, I record on a big trawler and Greenpeace sends boats out and they like try and interfere with my podcast. Yeah.

But I just crush their boat with my giant podcast boat. Peter, spray paints your microphone wind screw. Exactly. Yeah. But I don't even know about it. I live in like a tall black tower. Yeah. I sit in there and I just, I look out the window and I see demonstrations in the distance,

but it's all nothing to me. I just look at those little ants. Yeah. And they come in and say, sir, the podcast, the podcast just made $8 billion. And I say, burn it. Oh, okay. Burn it. We're running out of places to put the money.

That's a nice fantasy. No, that's not my fantasy at all. Okay. It's a weird thing to say. No, I don't do this for financial gain. I do this because I love connecting with people. Yeah. That's true.

You thought I was being silly, but I don't. I really like doing this. Enjoy it. I think we're a nice little group. Mm-hmm. You know, we've got Matt is very different from you, Sona. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean?

The Tin Man's different than the Scarecrow and the Scarecrow's different from the Carly Land. They're all very different characters. Who are we here? I know. Who's one? Who's who? Well, I'm Dorothy.

Okay. And I'm also Toto. You're the dog, too. Yeah. Toto is my ego. The one who's rampant. Sona, you're too inactive to be the... You're the Tin Man when he's rusted.

Oh, before the oil. Before the oil. You're just... You're very... You're sitting still. I ask you to do things and you go... Matt, need oil. Uh-huh.

And I think... You've got a little bit of a Scarecrow about you, Carly, don't you think? I think that's pretty accurate. He was always my favorite. So I'll take that. Yeah. No, I take that back. Flying monkey.

Oh. You're a flying monkey. No, but you were very eager to please, I say, make that edit and you go... You fly away. You chose two people who were barely in it. The rest of Tin Man is there for a minute. Yeah. And then he's, you know, oiled and normal.

You're not oiled. So I'm not oiled. And then the flying monkey's only in it for a little bit. No, they're in it a couple of times. Oh, okay. I think I'm Dorothy and I'm Toto. I'm also the witch. Yes.

Yeah, because if I'm the flying monkey doing your bidding, you're definitely... Yes. No, what I'm saying is my... This may sound pretentious. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Well, I guess I have to now. I think my personality is so complex. I think I embody so many different worlds, so many different possibilities, so many

different dimensions that... I'm not just one character. You're Thanos. Yes. In a way, I am. I'll take that. I don't care if I'm Thanos. I'm Thanos.

Doesn't Thanos end up kicking ass? Then I'm Thanos. Which Avengers are Matt and I then? You're going to probably say, oh, that one character that was in that one scene. I don't know the Avengers that well, I have to say. They made too many of them. They also broke my cardinal rule, which is I don't like portals in the sky. I'm against portals.

What a specific rule. I don't like portals. Why did you have that rule? That's my rule. What a hill to die on. No, but listen to me. No space portals. Here's what I hate about portals and you're going to agree with me once I explain it.

They set up some rules and all screenplays need rules, right? And then what happens is the screenwriters always get frustrated at some point and they just want to use as much CGI and cool stuff as possible. So what they always do is they have some interesting plot and they got to be clever and but then they get tired. They get tired. It's time for that third act and the studio is waiting. So they go, then they put the two stones together or they put the eye inside the idol

or they pull the mighty lever and this is a rumbling mighty lever and the sky opens and there's a big portal and then anything the screenwriter wants can come out of it. All the rules are off because it's a portal and then there's always a rule on how you close the portal and it's whatever the fucking screenwriter thinks of because he wants to get to dinner. No portals. Portals are a bad idea. I don't feel that strongly about portals.

I mean, I don't feel strongly about it. I agree. But no, it's weird that you feel that. You have a hatred for them. I hate them because I think I think it's a giant crutch. Yeah, you know, like the tornado and Wizard of Oz is portals before portals will come. Oh, well, it is, but it's also it's all it is. Essentially is it's the ladder that gets you from one reality to the other.

Fine. Yeah. But in the Wizard of Oz, I don't think we'd be watching that and considering it a classic. If instead of just picking up Dorothy, the tornado had started spewing out random. Here's a coke machine. It's also a lizard. So here's a giant tub of Vaseline that is a God that has snakes for arms. Yeah.

Like just madness. Madness just comes spewing out of these. Yeah. Fuck portals. Well, I'm serious. I know people say covid's a big deal and stuff and maybe it is. I don't know. Where is this going?

What I'm saying is I think our focus right now should be on getting portals taken out of these movies. Okay. There has to be a note portal podcast. If it says PG 13 or rated R up front, it should say NP. No portal. You're taking a brave stand. I salute you.

This is courageous. Well, it might make them think of like a real ending. Yeah. You're changing the world. Yeah. And this guy. You know what? I think it's actually a function on most, you know, laptops now is you can just press

like F stop eight and it just. Stop. It just. Camera time. What is it then? I don't know. It's just F eight. Just F eight.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You press F eight on any Apple computer and what's going to happen? A portal scenario just comes up. If you're in this screenwriters mode, they should have a button that they put this that just says portal so that the writer of the screenplay is like, and then he just pushes portal.

The random generator in the computer says the sky grows dark, suddenly a bright flash of light outcomes and then it just takes random words, you know, vowels and nouns and slams them all together. And suddenly here comes the pink derby. Yeah. It has lizard legs. Here comes cash register that's made of Belgian chocolate and it shoots lightning bolts and lasers like whatever.

It just doesn't have to make sense and any company, anybody is going to be like, yeah, whatever. Jerk off motion. Here comes the portal. And then at the end, oh, they pushed the two random objects together and there was a mighty level. They pushed the two things together and the portal goes and seals up. And then it's time for Tony Stark to say a smart Alec thing.

It's just time for bullshit. That makes no sense. Speaking of that, let's do our pocket. Yeah. Some would say my mouth is a portal. It's spews. Bullshit. Nicely done.

Nicely done, Matt. I doff my cap to you. We shouldn't dilly or dally. Oh, okay. Terrific guest today. My guest today is a hilarious actor, very funny comedian, writer who played Richard Splatt, one of the great characters of all time on the Emmy award-winning HBO series, Veep. Last year, I had the privilege of traveling with this gentleman to Ghana for an episode

of Conan Without Borders, which is available right now on HBO Max. We had an incredible experience. I encourage you to check that out. It really was a wonderful trip and turned out to be a great episode. And I'm eternally grateful to this gentleman. Sam Richardson, welcome. I have to spend some intense quality time with you. I was a big fan of yours and admirer of yours and clearly such a funny and talented guy.

And then you accompanied me on a trip to Ghana, which is where your family is from originally. And you spent some time there growing up, but mostly in Detroit. So you and I went on this trip together and you were hilarious. You were like the second we got on the plane together. Let's just pretend it was a private plane that we took. Even though it wasn't. From the minute the Cone Stream 7000 pulled up and no, no, we we took we took a bunch of flights to get there. There was two flights, I think we went to England and then we we went straight to Ghana, I believe.

But you were being really hilarious on the plane like I should have known. But sometimes people are very funny on TV and then you hang out with them and they're kind of shy. And it's not like you're a crazy extrovert or anything because you're not. But you're such a good improviser and that's been such a big part of your training. You were just cracking me up right away and anything I would lay out there, you would go with it and then advance it. And we were just acting like fools moments into the flight, which was really fun, which was really fun for me. And I think annoying to everyone probably around us. Probably was why you probably want the private flight.

I am going to get a private plane one day. I just have to figure out a way to pay for it. But I'm getting that private plane. But it was really, it was really fun. I mean, right off the bat. And like, you know, all like jokes and then hyperbole aside. Yeah, right. But, you know, like truly growing up, you're one of my heroes of comedy.

Like I watched your shows for very beginning. From the moment of your birth, I think. From the moment of my birth, I came out and was like... Yeah, I was thinking that. And you're the first thing I ever saw was that starry moon backdrop. Yep. That's crazy. And you're like, mama!

No, no, I'm your mother. That's a late night backdrop. You tried to suckle on my late night backdrop. Oh, god. I'm sorry about that on the plane. I just, there was a level of comfort that I wasn't prepared for. Any time we hit turbulence, you were in my lap trying to get milk from me. And I...

And there was very little. There was very little milk. And you know what? It's not good milk. It's like a strawberry. It's a strawberry quick. It comes out of me. What?

It's wrong with you. You know, it's so great. Oh, no. This one is broken instantly. Sometimes the interview, we have to get to a point where... We're instantly at the point where Sam is sitting on my lap in a turbulent flight to Ghana, suckling my nipple to get the strawberry quick out. And there's not a lot.

And it started so sincere. It really did. It was very sweet. But you know, we had, I have to say, we had, it was a fascinating trip. And it is one of my favorite Conan Without Borders episodes that we've ever done. And I have so much. I just had such a lovely time. And I loved getting to know you and your family and your family having us over to their house

and your, your mom putting out more food. And I'm, this is, I am Irish Catholic and I'm one of, of six kids. And so there were nine people in our house growing up. Don't ask me about that extra person. And we're not sure who he was, but, um, but, you know, our rule is however much food can be eaten, we will put out four times more food than that. And then just, uh, and I think your family outdid my family. I've never seen that much food for a relatively small group of people.

And it was also, it was, it was kind of hostile. That's what I want to say. It was a hostile act. Yeah. It was, it was definitely a challenge. Yeah. And they kept bringing out, you'd be like, oh my God, that was just fantastic. We are just beginning.

More, I say more. It was really amazing. More. Just prepare yourself to the door. Does your job detach? I will say one thing about you that I did know, because you are, I don't want to say mild mannered, but if, when someone's a superhero and they kind of want to hide it, I could see you being that person because you're, you know, you're extremely, uh, you're, you're extremely kind and, uh, you can be,

you're soft spoken. You're not one of those, uh, comedy people that needs to, you know, blow up the room when up the room when you walk into it or be the center of attention. But one thing I noticed is you partied so hard in the whatever the five days I spent with you, I don't think you slept the entire time we were there. And so it would be the end of a really long day

and I'd be like, okay, I'm just gonna pass out in my room and you'd say, and I'm off. You get that out. And then I would see you in the morning and you just like, I could see like your eye sockets were leaking, not tears. The actual fluid that comprises the eye was coming out of your eyeballs.

You really party. I mean, this has been my setting for like most of my life anyway. My time at Second City in Chicago, me and my buddy Tim Robinson, we would work six nights a week, you know, eight shows, six nights a week. And every night we would then go to the bar afterwards.

Tuesday through Thursday, we'd do from eight till like 11 and then drink from till two and then four because in Chicago we had four o'clock bars. Then Saturday nights, bars were open till five so we'd go out till five. And then Monday would be our day off and we'd just go drink and hang out.

Okay, no, Sam, in your description, you're acting like, you're sort of describing it as if, while the bars are open till five, therefore we have to stay there till five. Like that is mandated. That was our understanding. Yeah. You know that you don't have to stay.

You're like, oh, I'm open till six a.m. Well, okay, if you say so. If they're so nice and kind of open their doors, who are we to deny them company? It is funny, I spent one summer doing comedy in Chicago in 1988. I did a show with Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk and it was this stage show that we did of sketches

that we couldn't get on to stand out live that were really weird that we liked. All I remember is I was not a drinker, but I remembered that all I wanted to do because I was six, four, I think I weighed 160 pounds and I could eat a cinder block and metabolize it instantly. I was constantly hungry. And so all I wanted to do after we were done with the show

is go out and eat like four deep dish pizzas. You know what I mean? And that was encouraged. That's sort of like you're not allowed to do comedy in the Midwest, especially Chicago, unless you've consumed 35,000 calories that day. And you have to. It's like, it's more than encourage, it's insisted.

You can get pulled over in Chicago and they have a test to see if you've had, how many carbs have you had today? How much sausage have you had? And it's not, and if you're not drunk, they take you in. They take you in. License registration, pizza receipt. Yeah.

So what did you use? Because you have this kind of cool, I mean, you're, I know you're a comic fan and you have like a cool origin story, which is this dual identity of Detroit, Ghana, you're sort of shifting back and forth. You know, first of all, I'd like to know how you figured out that comedy was an option.

That always fascinates me because I've met your family and they're lovely people, but you don't think, oh yes, and I think it's the same thing for my family. I don't think people would have necessarily thought show business because when I grew up, that just didn't seem like an option. Did you know that that was an option for you?

Or it was just something that you kind of fell into gradually? Well, if something I kind of fell into gradually, you know, I would go back and forth to and to and from Ghana a lot. So I always felt like I was missing out on something because I'm essentially, I mean, I'm not an only child, but I'm my mother's only child. So I was the only one who had that Ghana experience like that. So that would mean that I would be traveling,

I'd be on my own so much, you know, or I get to, when I get to Ghana, then I had all my cousins and all that, but then I would also be like kind of an outcast because I was like not around as much as everybody else and the same thing in Detroit because like I would be missing the summers and stuff. So that's when everybody would like kind of bond and be like, oh, we had the best summer anyway.

Hey, Sam, he's our African cousin and in Ghana, you know. He's our American cousin. How is Ghana? That was Ghana, wherever. But like I sort of like, I think I learned to entertain myself. And so like I kind of like just would find things funny and then like kind of internalize them. And there's the kind of like build on them in my own head

like in my own imagination. And then like I would watch a lot of TV and a lot of movies and kind of just like, like we just absorb those things and like take those things as real life. So like things that were written as comedy dialogue. I was like, oh, that's just how people talk. And so like that's kind of like was in my head there. And I didn't even consider it like a job sort of thing

or something I could actually do until I got into high school. I was a walk on to the football team because like my family was gonna move to Ghana. Like they were gonna move there and my parents do everything last minute. So I had no idea they were going to, but then they're like, we're moving to Ghana and you're gonna go to boarding school in London.

So I was like, oh, okay. And so I was like gearing up to do that. And then last second they're like, no, actually we're not. So I went to. This sounds like, I mean, like they're pranking you and they're obviously trying to shatter your psyche at a very impressionable age, you know. You're going into the Air Force tomorrow.

Wait, no, you're not, you know. Yeah, made me tough and emotionless. But like last second they were like, actually we're not. We're staying in Detroit. And I'd taken a test to go to a Catholic school called U of D of Jesuit. And so I went and I found out it was an all-boys school. I had no idea it was all boys.

So I was like super bummed. And then one day my friend who was a senior when I was a freshman was taking classes at Second City Detroit. So like I went to see his class show and then I did a, they had like an improv jam where anybody from the audience can get up and like kind of do something.

So I got up for like an improv game. And I remember they got pointed to me and I had like a punchline and the audience went nuts and like just like a fire inside of me was just like, this will consume you for all time. Yes, any addict can describe this feeling because those of us in this sorry trade of comedy know it very well, which is you get up there

and you score and it really is very similar to when I hear addicts say, well, I was nine and I found a big rock of Coke of crack and I ate it. And I knew then that this was going to be my life. It is the same thing. It is the same thing. Yeah. It's so interesting to me

what everyone's got a different way in. There's one thing that happens to them and they, and for you, it's Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters really, you think started it for you? It really did. Cause I remember so well, it was cause in Ghana, I had this, my aunt Laetitia had recorded a bunch of TV and movies from London.

And so we had like a bunch of tapes of VHS tapes and one of them was like a recording of Ghostbusters. Okay, this is serious bootlegging, right? Yeah, it was on TV. She's a serious bootleger and when you say it's on TV, was she taping it professionally off the TV and like using real equipment or was she just aiming like a VHS camera at the TV?

Just a VHS, it was just like a VHS thing. That would get the video and then she would dub over to the voices that you have sound as well. So you get this bootleg of Ghostbusters. Yeah, you know, just like with the TV edit, and we would just like watch Ghostbusters non-stop. Like there were a few movies that I watched non-stop. It was Ghostbusters, Mary Poppins and Police Academy.

These were like movies I watched infinitely. And like the weirdest thing is like as a kid, I didn't realize Ghostbusters was a comedy. I just thought it was like this supernatural cool like kind of hero movie, you know? Cause like my comedy palette wasn't like developed. I just like knew that these people were charming and but then like the ghosts were cool

and that the tools were cool. And I just like was obsessed with it, you know? It wasn't like going back later. I was like, oh, the comedy here is so good and like like subtle. And then it like really became my favorite movie. Like in my early, early teens, you know? Have you watched it more than a hundred times Ghostbusters? Oh, more than a hundred times.

If you were watching Ghostbusters, would you be able to mouth along with the entire movie? Yes, I would most definitely. Okay, you're under arrest. Oh no! This is a sting operation. Oh crap, get out. Get out.

Here's a sad story that I remember so well. I just like just, oh man. I guess I was maybe about nine. My parents brought a high school group from Detroit called Spain High School to Ghana. You know, it's like a high school trip. So like they came, it was a high school band. So they came and they played

in different places in Ghana. And like it was like a big field trip for them. There was this one kid who I like just befriended. I was like, ah, I love this guy. He loves to listen to me. So I go, we just talked to him nonstop. And I would just always be like, and then Ghostbusters is this and Ghostbusters is that.

And at Universal Studios, it's just a Ghostbusters thing. And like Ghostbusters is my favorite movie. And then one day we're on a bus and it was like, enough, man. It's so boring. I don't care about Ghostbusters. Oh my God. And I was like, oh no. Gasp.

I was, I was shocked. I was so like heartbroken. And then he was like, oh man, I'm sorry. I mean, this kid was like 15, you know what I mean? Like he wasn't there. And to be fair, you were at nine. You were 27 at the time. I was 27, I was like 25 and a half.

I was still young. Not old enough to be yelled at like that. Even like as a nine year old, I was like, oh, that's harsh. I was like, yeah, I did talk about Ghostbusters a lot, didn't I? It's like, I even was able to realize it. Because it's like, no, I only talk about, no, yeah. No, that's all I've been talking to you about.

I'm going through my mental catalog of what we've discussed. And it's only Ghostbusters. Including, he admitted to me that his mom had just passed away. And I said, then maybe she'll be a ghost like in Ghostbusters. Well, I hope she doesn't get busted. And that's when he called you a monster with no soul. You know, of course, everybody knows you from Veep. And you played this character, Richard Splett,

who is to this day one of my kids. My wife made, I think, a very dodgy decision. I loved Veep, but my wife decided that it was so funny and satirical and about government that our children could watch it. And I swear to God, I would walk in and she'd be watching it with the kids, who at the time were about 11 and 13.

And there'd be characters, often Julia Louis-Dreyfus, another character saying, why don't you get the jizz out of your dick, you? You know, that's just, and that's just like, how they would say, pass the butter, you know, on that show. And I'd be like, lies, and she'd be like, well, I know. That was a little much. But they loved your character.

And your character, Richard Splett, was safe because he was so sweet and so kind and really funny in a way that was different. You know, you get used to seeing so many different sort of comedic moves. And I thought your character, Richard Splett, was very unique, very comedically unique and absolutely hilarious.

And my kids were like, just adore you. They don't know the real you, thank God, the monster who parties and parties and drinks and drinks. Oh, that is me. Yeah. Oh my God. It was funny for a second, wasn't it, until you realized? Sure it was.

Where's my whiskey? I didn't know this, and I only found this out recently, that your character was brought in, supposedly, they only intended to use you very sparingly, right, for a short arc, and then they just, you stayed. It was the same thing that happened at Second City, like your moment came and you killed it, and then they wanted more and more and more,

and then the great ultimate irony is you were in there for a short story arc, and then when the whole season, when the whole series ends, you're the president. Which is fantastic. Which was just fantastic. It was only supposed to be for one episode, actually. One episode? It just was supposed to be the first episode of season three.

I was just supposed to be there as an annoying replacement for Gary while she was on a book tour in Iowa. I was supposed to just be there and just kind of illustrate how much she kind of needed her team, really. But it was just like, we had such a good time, and coming into the table reads, they were in Baltimore, and I was ready to get just kind of like nothing on my jokes at the table read, because everybody's kind of over.

I figured by season three, everybody's kind of over it, and just kind of just going through the motion. Yeah, kind of changing. I got there at the table read, and on the very first line, everybody's just laughing. The whole time, everybody's laughing and having a good time and really enjoying the scripts, and I was like, oh, nobody was just not giving me anything

on my lines either, so it was just like a very friendly room. And then afterwards, the process used to be that we would put the scripts aside, and then we would re-improvis all the scenes to polish out some of the British-ish-isms, because mostly the writing staff was British, so there was a lot of things that you probably wouldn't say in the States, but like, pass me a shilling gov,

it'll be in there, and we'd have to lose that. Wow, he sounded like a dollar gov. He's really terrible British writers. Yeah, I guess so, now that you look back. But there's just some charm about him. It's just a charm. Yeah, they kept introducing chitty-chitty bang-bang to the, hey, chitty bang-bang.

What, no, let's smooth that part and make it more about the legislative initiative. Yeah. But we would re-improvis those scenes, and that's where my second city training really came into play. And so I would just be improvising things, but within those, just making them realer and adding things where I thought it was funny,

and it worked so well that after the first episode, they wrote me into the very next episode. That's great. And then just kept on having me hang out, maybe I'd put you in this episode, and they would find me out to Baltimore, so I was out in Baltimore for almost an entire season, flying back and forth, being like,

I think you're going to be in episode five, and I'd be there, and I'm like, no, actually you're not. So then I would just, like, have been in this hotel and then go back home, and then they asked me to join the cast the next season. What I loved about the character was no one ever expected him such low expectations for the character.

I mean, it's funny, because it mirrors somewhat your experience on the show, is you're just being brought in, no one thinks you're there for very long, you're actually just supposed to be there for one episode. And then like the character, who really is just not supposed to rise in this system. You know what I mean?

He's really not supposed to rise at all. And then, but his essence is pure, and he's good. And then at the end, when Selena Meyers has passed away, and they're like, you know, the president and the first lady are laying the wreath at the gym.

You walking across. And that made me so happy. That was such a, I was so happy with that development. I would like you to be president, you know? Not that I don't love our current president. No, he's wonderful. I'm sorry, I'm just, I thought you knew the deal when you came on this podcast.

Doesn't mean I have to like it. No, you don't have to like it, but this is conservative talk podcast. This is what I'm all, you talk a little bit about comedy, you know, whatever, because that seems to be something people like, but then we get down to what I want,

and what Sona really believes. No, no, no, no, no. Don't drag me into this. Thank you. No, but I like that there's a, edginess is fine, but edginess can sometimes lead towards cynicism and just sort of,

and my muse has always been a pretty silly muse, and I like it when, when things are just funny for funny sake, and it's no coincidence to me that often when that happens, there's a silliness and sort of a life affirming goofiness to it all, and I always sensed you were kind of a kindred spirit in that regard.

No, yeah, I typically, I like to lean towards optimism in like, and I think there's like so much of comedy is, bleak and pessimistic. I think it can't all be that, you know? Right, right. Even like with Richard, I think kind of the idea of,

that I took with playing him was that it was this sort of like negative space, or like kind of like a yin and yang kind of thing. Like in that, with there being no character who's like really a good person, or good people get like kind of shouted down and like destroyed, there's this character in there who is a good person and like an optimistic person who's also kind of can just shrug off

any sort of attack and not, Doesn't seem to know. Doesn't seem to know. It really doesn't affect him or bother him, you know? Or like, Oh, that's, if that was meant as an insult, that would be really insulting,

but there must have been something behind that. You know? Were that an insult? My feelings would be hurt. So glad it couldn't possibly be. Do you think you could play? I mean, I'm sure you could get very talented, but is there some part of you that would want to play

and if you had the chance, an incredibly evil? I want to play an asshole monster. I feel people think that I am Richard Splett, like the character Richard Splett. Right. So a lot of the things I see, a lot of things I read are like with that tone.

And I mean, I appreciate that. And I certainly love that because the things I love to do are nice people, but I am also capable of being a villain and sadistic. Yeah. Let's get that out there. If there is. Let's get that out there.

I've killed. I love to play evil. In just my comedic riffs and say things that are absolutely. I love to. And I've often thought, I think I'm a fundamentally nice person who spends a lot of time trying to convince people that I'm a monster.

Yeah. Does that make sense to you? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, we do a whole podcast that surrounds the idea that you're awful and. I never got to. I don't think that's the idea of the podcast.

I feel like that's what I take from it. Really? That you're terrible and awful and then Matt and I came up on you and. Never. This is news to me. Yeah. That's what I thought. Like the podcast, the talk shows.

That's what kind of. Yeah. Just your whole career in general. Oh, yeah. Wow. Okay. All right. I thought I was in.

What about borders? I thought. Conan goes to take a shit on Ghana. Check it out. He really takes the piss out of Ghana. What is all this dirt? Yes. This is dirt.

It's dirt everywhere. You wouldn't hear it. Oh my God. Yeah. No, we cut all that stuff out because, you know, it didn't test as well as we thought it would. My rant against dirt in other countries. Yeah.

No, but it's so much. I always find that I think it's. I don't know. There's something almost very healthy about. Inhabiting that space of pure evil and in a safe way. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's why I'm into bondage. It's all safe.

There are control words. God. It can stop at any time. Oh, please. You've had to buy the equipment for me. Don't act like you didn't know. Oh, man. Yeah.

Jesus. That's horrible. What are you talking about? You're always saying, oh, I went to that store. They didn't have it. But then I went to this other store and they have the good one, the suit that really zips you so that there's no breathing holes. It's the worst.

You're making me buy the stuff. That's the worst part of that story. It's awful. You have the card for the store. I'm such a frequent customer there. I have the special card. Yeah, I'm in the system. They're always like, yes, I'm in the system.

Oh, God. Please change the topic. Oh, please. I do not buy you bondage gear. Thank you. Well, no. You borrowed. Oh, man.

Sam, no. And you know what? You really, people have said to me, you don't want to borrow that stuff. Trust me. You don't want it on loan. You know what I mean? You want to be able to. I don't see the problem.

Oh. I really don't. It seems pretty clean. So I'm fine. Oh, God. Is it true that you performed on cruise ships for a while? Yes, it is. It's with Second City again.

I have to say it's kind of and not just obviously we're in this COVID era now where cruise ships just seem really chilling and untenable. But I always thought performing on a cruise ship would be very problematic because I've heard stories from a good friend of mine. He's a stand up and he was describing a comedian who did a set on a ship that made the people so angry that he had to stay in his cabin afterwards. And then within two days, the helicopter came and took the comic off the boat. Oh, no. Lake. Now, I don't know. But I just think the idea of a guy having a really bad set and cutting to an audience and they're very unhappy and staring at him and then a smash cut to him being in a harness lifted by a cable in high seas off the boat is one of the funniest things I can imagine.

And horrifying. And I would think I'm very superstitious about I never want to see the crowd before I go out. I want them the first time they see me to be when it's I have all these like little weird rules that I follow. And I just would think if I'm in the buffet line and people are like, oh, you're on tonight. I'll see you in a little bit. But I'm watching you now and judging you for all how much macaroni salad you're taking. And that would horrify me. And then also if it didn't go well, I would be horrified to see them.

Did any of that stuff happen to you or no? Well, so like our life on the ship was kind of our life on the ship. It really became the phrase ship life. And that was like a kind of like general term for living life on a ship. So I guess the something to the phrase every week kind of had like a pattern to it. So we would on Sundays we would port new passengers would come on and everything was a mess because everybody was like walking around everywhere. Monday people were kind of getting their sea legs, but like would kind of like just be chill and in their rooms. So we as a performer would kind of go and eat at the restaurants, you know, drink at the bars and kind of just like have our anonymity.

Tuesday we would do our show and we do two hour long shows at seven and nine. And from that moment on everybody on the ship knew you, you know, because like it's like 3,000 people in that ship. And everybody would see the show because like what else are you going to do? So everybody would see you and so from then on you couldn't go anywhere without them being like, hey, man, you know, and like there's like access to people. Like I'm just going to go talk to him at his dinner table. I'm going to sit down. And so you'd kind of like, uh, it was great. Yeah.

You know, yeah. So it was great for like if you wanted like a free drink because we were all very poor. So we were like, Hey, love that show by a drink. But then you do a couple of drinks and then you'd go to the crew bar and kind of like live in the crew bar. And then you'd go and like drink dollar beers and then kind of just hide out everything I talk about is about drinking. You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but this is turned into an intervention. No, I need sponsorship. Every single I don't think there's one story I could get you to tell that doesn't involve drinking, you know.

Well, there was a time I went for my CAT scan and I was in the hospital. Oh yeah. The brewery was giving out free CAT scans. So improv is so participatory. I'm just thinking that would be a little bit of an issue too, because there might be people that are see you the next day and you're sitting there trying to have your turkey sandwich. And they're like, Hey, I shouted out gynecologist seven times and you didn't take my suggestion, you know, and you're like, Um, yeah. We heard you. We just wanted to maybe take a less creepy suggestion. Well, I'm just funny, you know.

For real, it happens exactly like that. I said gynecologist. We said doctor's office. It's like, no, but I want a gynecologist. That's not my suggestion. It's a gynecologist. I experienced that sometimes in improv, if you had a good, if there was a good end of the scene, and I'm not trying to be ages here, but I would sometimes notice with older audiences, they would think it was like a magic trick. They really did.

Like if you made something wrong, if they said do this song and you did a song and then you made it rhyme, just because and it wasn't even that good. They'd be like, how, how did he, so is he wearing a wire and I'm like, no, it's just not that good. Yes, I rhymed. I asked you what you did and you said that you sold shoes and then I said, I bet you drink a lot of booze and you're like, okay, he's wearing a wire. So someone backstage must know that you sell, no, it's not that good. There's no wire. If there was a wire, it would have to be a lot better. Exactly.

Like, I mean, that's, and that's a thing, right? Like a lot of improv, like games and things like that are just like parlor tricks. It really is. Like as soon as you say shoes, I'm like shoes, cruise, booze, moose, twos, foos. And then like, then like, I'm just working backwards and trying to do it within a second to be like, oh, play balls of foos. And then like, I'm out in the audience. Yes, amazing. And I'm like, oh, witchcraft, sorcery.

Simply undoable. You're lucky you weren't killed for being some kind of a demon. These are the pocket trips you learn. So even like in like actual like scene work, like like long form, you like we use the callback so much. Like a little detail, you know, like you put in your pocket, you're like, okay. So like when the scene gets kind of to be its end, I think this was a good enough punch. I'll find a way to bring that back and then, you know, kind of like, like get there again. And you do it and an audience is always like, simply, how does he remember this?

And this was written. It must have been written. Also, I mean, they must memorize a hundred scenes and then the one that matches ours. They're way overthinking. They're way overthinking. I mean, doing the late night comedy show for just several decades and you learn pretty quickly that it's really good to get out on a laugh. And so if someone says something interesting earlier on and mentions, you know, you know, I wear a monocle and you get a laugh off of it and there's a good moment there. You always stash that in your back pocket.

And then when you're looking for the for the end of the scene and they're giving you the sign that like you should it's time to go to commercial. You'd be like, well, you know, and the person would say something. You'd be like, I think someone forgot their monocle. And they probably be like, what? I say. So they must flash some kind of beam into his retina. Like, no, I remembered from six minutes ago. You said monocle.

You said monocle and I thought, well, maybe that'll come handy later on. I'll just keep it around just in case. Oh, I see where it fits. Monocle. I think Christ has returned. He's a time Lord. He simply knew this joke would land. So we mentioned it before because of this.

Yes. Yes. I figured it out. You're a time traveler who can go to the end of the interview because you already know. No. Okay. Okay. Sure.

Sure. I'm Jesus the time traveler. You know how to ask you this. It's so funny. I miss you. I know that we're not. It's not like we've hung out that much. We spent an incredible time together on that great trip.

But I love talking to you. I was pumped to talk to you today and really glad that you could do this. And you know, it's nice. This is one of the things that I've really loved about the podcast is there are people who I want to, I want to connect with them again and have just like a nice long uninterrupted conversation that I can monetize. I had you until the end, didn't I? I made money off you.

Cha-ching. Thank you, Sam Richardson. No. I sold 800 mattresses while we were talking. I sold some sneakers that come in quarter sizes. What are they called? I forget. They're Adams.

Oh, okay. Well, let's get this. Okay. Thank you. Oh, I'm sorry. Nicely done. Yeah. No, but I really do hope when this current time that we're in ends that we can just hang

out because you are a joy. You are a joy to talk to. You are a joy to hang out with. You're so talented and really a pleasure. You've added months to my life, not a year, but at least easily two months. Oh, great. Give me time. I'll take those back.

So that's what's going to happen if we do hang out together. You'll get those two months back and then you'll take more so that I die earlier than I would have. Exactly. And no one will suspect it. No, until they listen to the podcast, which is readily available wherever you get your podcast. Hey, thank you very much, Sam.

That was fantastic. Thank you so much. This was really fun. I really, really, really loved it. All right. Let's hang soon. And my best to your family, by the way, my best to your family and tell them it was way too much food.

I will. I'll tell them specifically. It was an angry, it was an act of anger. You will eat a turkey, then you will eat a ham, then you will eat roast beast. We want to see your stomach split. It looks like, yes, the skin near his stomach is starting to tear. More. More.

Eat this bookcase. All right, Sam, you take care. Be well, all right? You too. Thank you so much for having me. On a past podcast, you mentioned how you met James Limpton's wife and he showed you, I believe, a naked painting of her. So first of all, let's clean up your story a little bit.

You act like he walked around with a rolled-up painting in his back pocket of his nude wife, which is really creepy. No, James Limpton, of course, Dean of the Actors Studio and TV personality and a wonderful guy in many ways. He did a lot of bits on our show over the years and was always fantastic and had me on his show. So I went to dinner with him one night at Elaine's, the fabled restaurant, and then I'm just going to recap quickly, but he just, did you see that painting behind me?

And I knew that his wife was dining with us and her name was Katakai. And I looked up and there was a painting of this woman who was clearly the woman who was eating dinner with us. Oh my God. His wife, Katakai, naked and it was hanging on the wall behind him and he took a big bite of steak and said, Katakai, as God made her. It's not that different than what you were saying because he clearly brought you to that table for that reason.

He brought everybody. I think when he took an Uber, he would say, take me to Elaine's and then he would say to the Uber driver and come with me and sit across from me at this table and then ask me about that painting behind me so I can say, Katakai, as God made her. That's the story. And then we've continually referenced that because you've wanted people to come up to you on the street and just yell, Katakai, as God made her to you. Yes, I have.

Yes, I have. And so since that has been mentioned on this podcast, a lovely listener named Margie Onder mentioned that she and her husband have been saying this to each other nonstop. Then they put their small child to sleep and got some interesting footage on the nanny cam and I'm going to share my screen right now. And something interesting seemed to be coming from the small child sleeping or not sleeping. I'm not sure, but here it is. Katakai.

Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai.

Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. I love that. It's this little kid who looks to be like a year and a half old going, Katakai. It's hard to tell because it's just rolling under blankets.

He's covered in blankets. I'm guessing it's a boy. I don't know. I don't know. Is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy or a girl. You know what? It all has a paranormal activity.

Exactly. It's got that weird paranormal activity night vision thing and you just see a form rolling around underneath some covers going, Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai.

Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. НА tö. Katakai.

Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai.

Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai.

Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai. Katakai.

and I passed them and suddenly this guy turned around and said, cataclysm as God made her. And I was like, yes. And the little boy was like, yeah, cataclysm as God made her. And I'm like, yes. Finally. Yes, finally. And I think, if I'm remembering it correctly,

I hope I get this right. It's a gentleman who seemed to be from the United Kingdom. He had a British accent and his name was James, or I don't know if it's James and Poppy. He said, just say that. I said, who are you guys? And they said, James and Poppy. And I'm like, okay, got it.

And I didn't have a pen or a paper. So I took out a pen knife and carved that into my arm. So that I wouldn't forget it. And it got very badly infected. And yeah, so anyway, that was stupid. I shouldn't have done that. That was stupid. But I didn't want to forget James and Poppy.

But yeah, it was so thrilling. And I'm telling you, when I say this, I mean it, if I'm walking around and you shout out to me, Katakai, as God made her, what you're doing for me is giving me another year of life. I believe it's that powerful for me. Oh, so stop doing it. What a horrible thing to say.

Now we gotta figure out what's the phrase that will take a year of life away from me. That's the one. I'm joking. You know what, who knows, who's gonna like that joke, your mother. She does not like it. I just hate it.

Son, son, what would she say? Do it in her accent. No, she's just like, it's just, Sonna, stop calling him a dickhead. Like stop calling him a dick. Cause your mom really likes me. Loves you. Why is she taking his side and not yours?

I don't know. She actually said once that you rock USA. I have no idea why she likes you so much. First time I met Sonna's mom, she's, Sonna, it was when Sonna was just working for me and you introduced me to your mother and she went, oh, Conan, you rock USA. I know, I didn't mean it.

And then I had her deported. Oh God, okay, now I do mean it. Now I'm going back to meaning. No, I felt bad. I wasn't successful. I filled out the paperwork and I tried to have it. You went through so much trouble. It took me several months

and it got tied up in the courts and it didn't work. I'm going to tell her you did that. Well, anyway. All right. If you want to give Conan a year of life, you'll cataclyse Godmater. If you want to take away a year, just say you rock USA.

That's a good system now. That works. Yes, that's the new system. Yeah, yeah. So, and we'll see. Well, where we, yeah, maybe I'll get 50-50 and I'll just stay on track to pass away quietly at 65. Oh my God.

It's my people. We're just made of crud. Oh, I want to quickly mention something. It's important that you listen to the next episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend because we're doing something a little unusual, bit of a contest, but I think it's going to be fun. And yes, this is, it's long been my dream

to sort of become a Willy Wonka type figure. You mean a weird recluse just living in a castle? Well, achieved, checked, got that part and I do manufacture tons of chocolate. Matt and I are your oompa-loompas. I know, I was thinking that. You guys are, whenever we make the podcast, you guys go come in and go oompa-loompa-loompa-loompa-loompa-loompa-doompa-de-doom.

Magoo-sha. We set up the R-D-O equipment, a shout out to State Farm and Fracture. OK, anyway, my point is just check it out. Listen for the next episode and I won't say much more than that, but please help me realize my dream of becoming a Willy Wonka that's stranger and even more disturbing than the actual Willy Wonka. Konan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Konan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley,

executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts

and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.