Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Sarah Silverman

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Comedian Sarah Silverman feels grateful about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Sarah and Conan sit down to chat about first times, getting aggressively dumb and silly, lessons from Garry Shandling, and the fear of speaking up. Plus, a listener voicemail forces Conan to contemplate a sandwich that bears his name. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman and I feel grateful to be about being Conan O'Brien. You know, you almost had it. You almost had it. The pause was so dramatic. It really pulled me in and my heart was pounding and then you said grateful and I was so happy and then you said about to be within a who and a ha. But I find the mistakes to be the the word of where the stuff is. Hello.

Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where we take advantage of the fact that you can't see my face. Aw. No, it's actually nice. It's very, I don't know, it's very relaxing. Okay. Test show people are very happy when when they're not looking at my broad Irish face.

But let's talk about you guys because I don't do this podcast alone and we got a lot of comments that I should and no, no, I seriously, a lot of mail, a lot of mail coming in. Oh, actual mail. Yeah. Real mail coming in, which is unusual. But a lot of very old people that don't know about the internet think I should do it alone. Now I don't do it alone and I wouldn't want to do it alone because I got my two pals here with me.

Sonia Moisesian, my trusty assistant. Hey, Sonia. Hello. Hello. What happened? I said hello weird and I changed it. Matt Corley, our producer. Hello.

Yeah. Very good. Very good stutter. And Sonia, many of us have celebrated our New Year. I understand there's an Armenian New Year. An Armenian Christmas. Oh, Sonia, there's an Armenian Christmas, but not an Armenian New Year. There is, no, there's, I don't believe there's an Armenian New Year.

No. You don't believe. You grew up in this culture. I know, but there's a lot about it. I still don't really know. Yeah. You know the basic stuff, which is Cher is Armenian. Yeah.

Lando. Caloricean. Yeah. Yeah. He is. So is Dr. Jack Kvorkin and the Kardashians are half and all four members of System of a Down. Yes.

And the Rock Group. So we got some good ones. You got some good ones. You got Kvorkin and Dr. Death. Yeah. Hey, we got Dr. Death. I would list the people that are in the Irish category, but well, there's a lot of good and bad mixed in there.

So I won't do that. How do you identify Gourley? Scotch-Irish. Scotch-Irish. Yeah. A little tight with a buck, huh? That's the old. Oh, really?

That's the, people used to think Scotch, you know, they're a little tight with a wallet. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Are you frugal? I wouldn't say I am. Okay. Yeah. I don't think you've ever picked up the check when I'm around.

No, that's true. No one picks up the check when you're around. When I'm around, no one. No, I bought concessions when we went to the movie that time. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, you bought concessions. Okay.

I've never given the opportunity to the corporate card goes down. So you got me a snow cap is what you're saying, a box of snow caps. You got me a single raisinette. It's more than anybody else in this room. Whenever I take, whenever I take you out gorelly, you always, you tuck a napkin into your shirt and then you start ordering the best wines. You go for the best steak. I thought we were on a date.

Well, I thought it was being whined and dined. Yeah. Nothing happened afterwards. That's for sure. I'll, I'll pay you back. Are you disappointed? Nothing happened? Yeah.

Wait a minute. That flew by me. Yeah. Well, you should pay attention next time. Really missed out. People would probably profess their love and you never heard it. I don't know. I've never paid for anything for you.

That's true. I mean, I've gotten you gifts and stuff. You give me gifts. I don't like the way you... I sent you a Christmas card and it came back. Yeah. No, because you put your name on them. I set myself up.

Oh, man. Why did I say that? Why did I send the card in the first place? No. No, no. There is actually a message with the post office that if a gorelly tries to contact me that I have you done as a security guard. So they probably actually scanned the letter five different times.

I came back and then my wife opened it. Why did you not have my right address? I did, but I don't know what happened. Did you put a stamp on it? Yeah. If you put a stamp on it and you had my correct address, then it should have come to me. I'll bring it to you. Are you sure you had the correct address?

I believe so. I think I know what happened and I'll clear it up after. Okay. I see what happened. You were living in a safe house? No, you probably assumed, oh, here's Conan's house. That's where he gets his mail. I see.

Yeah. I'm going to take a boat to Catalina. I take a boat to Catalina to get my mail. It's a, again, another security precaution. Okay. A lot of angry podcast people out there. I got to lay low. So you take a boat to Catalina?

Yes. I have my desk to trick people. If I wanted to kill you, I would find a way to make that boat sink. I was just saying, I'm, if I, I don't know, what are you talking about? You see me every day. If you want to kill me, you just get me with a stapler when I'm standing there. A stapler. Or whatever.

Stapler to the jugular. No. That's how they do it in prison. Yeah. But I don't want them to suspect me. But why did you bring up killing him? That was kind of out of nowhere. It was.

I thought he meant like... That was awkward. I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about murdering you. I'm really sorry. You always think we're talking about murdering you. I do. I mean, I like where your head's at.

When I asked you for a roast beef sandwich, you're like, are we talking about murdering you? When I, when I say, hey, did you hear Beyoncé's new album? You're like, hey, we were talking about murdering you. I don't know why I think of you and I think of murder. I think we should get into our first guest today and actually say I said first guest, but only guest. Yeah.

And you don't need another guest when you have this guest because she's the guestiest of all the guests. It's a possible exception of Chris Guest. Yeah. I'm intoxicated. Very excited. My guest today is an Emmy award-winning comedian who's been in the comedy world for over 25 years.

You know her from Serenade Live, the Larry Sanders show, the Sarah Silverman program. If this doesn't give it away, I don't know what would. And Disney's Wreck-It Ralph, I am thrilled she's here with us today. I so admire this person and have so much affection for Sarah Silverman. Welcome, Sarah. I'm going fucking crazy. I felt like I go, I feel like a brain fog, I want to be sharp, you know. You're holding a Red Bull.

I got it up by and I got a sugar-free Red Bull and now I've had maybe even half of it, which is a lot for me. Yeah. And I'm feeling fucking crazy. Yeah. Can I just say that foam is coming out of your eyes right now, a blue foam. I love it. You're here.

You know how people get white shit on the corner of their mouth? I get it on the corner of my eyes. Yeah. All right. Here's the thing. I think we are friends because I don't go to a lot of parties. I really don't. I get sort of.

Nor I. And you throw a party. You threw a party recently and I told my wife, this is a party I want to go to. Sarah Silverman's having a party. It's in LA. It's on a rooftop of a building, an apartment building. I won't say where. That seems to be populated by exclusively old people and you.

Every time I've been there before and it's mostly octogenarians wandering around in the lobby. And then you go up and you take this elevator and old people are looking at you suspiciously and you get to the top and it's one of the greatest parties ever. You have the best party. It's fantastic. Every time I've been and you had a hand drawn sign when you walked into the party, it said, do not solicit for your podcast.

No podcast soliciting. No podcast soliciting and I did not. I just knew that that would happen eventually. I didn't mean to personally or you know, it's just, I just wanted to be a place where no one's dreading a conversation or you know, a lot of people have podcasts there. Yes. I think everybody there had a podcast and I witnessed Mark Marin talking to Albert Brooks and Mark Marin wasn't soliciting, but I think you could tell that Albert Brooks has been

asked a bunch of times. So Albert was like, give me the microphone. We'll do it now. Right. It was just all like they were talking about and it was just clear that this was a backstory. Everybody there had a podcast and was eyeing who could be on their podcast. No, no, they weren't really. It was a very nice party.

Yeah. It's just such a good mix of people, nice people. Anyone who goes, I feel like they'll know at least four people and then they'll meet at least four people. Yes. I wish I wasn't so nasal. What if I talked to like this? I was surprised the Saudi prince who murdered Khashoggi was there.

I didn't realize you guys were close. You know what? People see only that side of him, he is, he loves animals. Yeah, I said, you know, so you murdered, he was like, you know, I'm more than that and you jumped to his defense and said he is and he always said he also is a good cook. He's just fun. Yeah. With friendships.

He's a fun party. Jared Kushner. Why was he there? Come on in. This is starting to. It was a very alt-right party. Yeah. That's the only thing that surprised me.

Sean Hannity was there and you and he were doing shots. Hannity. Yeah, Hannity. And he was like, I love you, Sarah. No, it really was a wonderful evening. You've been in that building for a while and do the older people that live there understand like what's going on when you have these parties? Since I moved in, three people have died of old age on my floor.

But I like being like the kid, you know, I like it and I like apartment living. I can't, it's so, you know, when I go to my friend's house is I go, whoa, like it's a whole house, you know, but, and I go, why, I should live like this. But then I just, I don't like to have too much space. I mean, I guess in a perfect world, I'd love to have like a meadow or something, but. You have a yard. And no one has a meadow, a meadow. In New Hampshire, we lived across a meadow that just nobody owned.

Did you see, sometimes did you see like deer drinking from a stream? Yeah. Yes. Wow. Yeah. There was some deer, mostly in the winter you'd see like deer or you'd see their footprints and then you'd just see one thing of footprints and that was when I was carrying it. And then sometimes, yeah, Jesus would carry you as you carried the deer.

Yeah. Did you ever remember that? Yeah. Yes. And I want to do this with you. You could want to make comedy. No, let's not do that. You know what?

There's too much comedy. Don't you think there's too much comedy? And I think that's why I started this podcast is to try and stop it. I like to get very funny people here and then get them talking about serious issues. Let's get serious. Yeah. Let's get uncomfortable. No one, no one says that with that tone of voice.

You know what? I always forget that you and Sandler are from New Hampshire because you don't seem, anyone listening right now has a perception of what someone from New Hampshire is like. And then Sarah Silverman and Adam Sandler don't fit that mold. We don't represent New Hampshire well, Seth Meyers too is from there. He's from the same town. Right. He's from New Hampshire because we were from Manchester and then we moved to Bedford.

But Seth, I could kind of see it. I could see him wearing like a hat with ear flaps, trudging big, thick boots. I could just see a little bit. I know what you're saying. Adam and I are big, fat Jews and you just don't see that in New Hampshire. See, you said it and I couldn't. Let me do this for you. Let me do this for you.

Thanks for finishing my sentence. People all growing up, when I was growing up in New Hampshire, they'd go, where in New York are you from? And I'd go, what's New York? I'm from here. Right. And then, you know, so now I realize it's because they go Jews are from New York and they're right. Yes.

But I didn't know. She's Jenny on the block. She's from Queens. She's from Brooklyn. She's from Staten Island. No. She's, you know what I mean? I lost my virginity in Astoria, Queens.

Really? Yeah. Want to talk about that or should we just maybe not? It's up to you. I was, you know, I was a comedian. It was to a comedian. Okay. Was this Jeff Dunham?

No. Was it Jeff Dunham or one of his puppets? It was. Does he have the puppets with him? It was like the super racist. It was the skeleton, like, turban guy. Just like if you revealed it, it was guy with puppets and props. It was Gallagher too.

Oh, it was Gallagher too as to you. Remember how they, so you know how Gallagher sold his, Gallagher sold his whole act to his brother? Yes. And they called him Gallagher too and I remember hearing the radio ads and they did it in a tricky way. They go, do you like Gallagher? Well, I like Gallagher too and he's playing at blah, blah, blah.

How pissed were those people when they showed up and it was a different guy who looked like Gallagher smashing a melon? Could they tell? Did they know? Yeah. There was no disappointment at all. Yeah. Okay.

I was a loser of virginity at 19. I was a little later. Was it really? How old were you? It was during Obama's second term. Serious. Were you under 23? Yes.

I mean, I don't want, you know, my parents listen to this and I'm still hyper Catholic. Are you positive your parents listen to this? You're right. I don't listen to it. Yes. I was under 21. I was under 20. It's all good.

You know? You're 17. I just say, it was a magical moment in my life. It was not a comedian. I wasn't in the comedy world then. Right. I wanted to be in the comedy world. Were you at Harvard?

Oh, why did we have to go there? Our guest is Jim Backus playing Thurston Howell the third. Oh, lovey. You didn't know I did impressions. Oh, that's a good one. Lovey. Let me start by saying something very positive about it. Okay.

I mean, we've already been talking. Did we start recording? Yeah. I think we've been recording for over four hours. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. No, no. But I love, I love a lot of things about you.

You did something real, I thought was hilarious on my show recently, which is you came on dressed as Hitler and you were upset that people were comparing you to Trump. That was so great, but that was somebody's idea on your staff. Oh, really? Oh my God. I didn't know you, but you. You love to take credit for it. But.

I may have like tweaked a thing here or there or whatever worked out, but like, no, the idea was someone who wrote a writer for your show. I wish I knew who. Well, you played, but you were the, whoever thought of it, you were the only person that could do it and it was clear. And you came out. I was so happy to do it. And you, you came out and first of all, you were a very attractive Hitler, which was confusing.

It's confused me for a while, but then your attitude was just very reasonably upset that people keep. Yeah. It was bad, but I'm not that bad and it was so funny. And there's a lot of political comedy that, you know, I admire. It's just that it can get very shrill and angry. And this was visually so silly and so wrong and so well played that I just thought, yeah, in a way that, that's the kind of political comedy I like.

Yeah. It's just, it's, it's absurdist. And somehow to me, it speaks to me more than if you would just come out and had 15 Trump jokes and. No, I prefer aggressively dumb and silly, you know, especially if you might have something quote unquote to say, because otherwise you just, if it doesn't, if it isn't sandwiched with really dumb shit, you're just, I feel like as a viewer, I'd be like, fuck you. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, this is what's interesting right now in comedy is that there's this expectation that if you're not speaking truth to power as a comic, you're copping out of the big struggle right now. And I think what's interesting, your first job as a comedian is to be funny. And then you've got to figure out how to reconcile that with what's happening. But you can't just get mad because then you're not a comedian anymore. Does that make sense?

But it's so silly because doing comedy is figuring out like what you care about and what you're interested in, what you want to talk about. So it's like, I had a comic friend call me and he was like, I feel like I'm not talking about what's going on in the world and like, um, I, you know, like I'm, my stuff isn't about anything political and I feel like guilty about it. And I was like, that's such a gift. You know, like people need that. Yeah.

I remember my mom before she died, I'm not glad she died obviously, but like in a way I'm relieved she didn't see, like she died thinking Hillary or Bernie were going to be the president. Did she pass away just before that election? Yeah. So like, but she would watch MSNBC not, she was the opposite of the Fox news like she, changed constantly and on that like daily coast and she would get so worked up and I'd be like, mom, like you have to sometimes just watch a bones or something.

Like for me, I watched law and order or something like, but you've got to, it's not healthy to just be into all this stuff. I'm going to jump in and say, I don't think she should have watched a bones, but I'm okay with law and order bones. I liked the first two seasons and then they lost me. So I'm glad that, I hope that's not what your mother was doing when she passed away. No. She was struggling to breathe actually.

It's okay. Oh God. Well there we go. I. F-F-F-F-F-Sorry mom. No. No, no, no. You're not sorry.

But it was so good. I don't know how we get out of this mess. We just progress. We go. I always say, I'm of the, we've been here before school, which is maybe a sun like a cop-out. I feel like during the Weimar Republic. I think Civil War, you know, yeah.

I'm not saying it's good that we're here, but I think that as humans we've been here before and we have to get ourselves out of it. Well, yeah. I mean, I think that after World War II there is a lot of kind of self-reflection and like never-forgettiness and we forgot to never forget and like facing history in ourselves is something that has not touched this generation and beyond. And so like everything's repeating because our leaders live unexamined lives and we suffer from their choices based on daddy issues, you know.

But I'm going to enlighten things now. Let's talk about someone we both love, Gary Shandling. Yeah. And I was unaware, I found out actually, I knew that you had a connection with Gary and you guys were very connected, but when Gary Shandling passed away, I thought you were one of the most eloquent people speaking about him, you know, in the documentary that Judd Apatow did. And also-

He did such a good job. He did a great, you know, he did, it's not my place to use this word, but I really thought what Judd did was a mitzvah for Gary. It was just this big, hey, everybody shut up for a second and pay attention to this person who is Gary Shandling because you need to understand how special he was. But you were terrific. I thought you were great. Just talking about Gary as a person, something you played basketball with, who was your

comedy mentor and spent a lot of time teaching you about comedy and helping you. He had the patience to say, yes, I will sit with you and I will talk to you and I will- I'll play basketball with you, but I'll also talk to you about stuff you're going through and what you're trying to do as a comic. Oh yeah. And he learned, everything he learned, he learned really the hard way, just like so many of us with lots of things. But what he learned, he kind of gave us on a silver platter, you know, the lessons that,

you know, a lot of things that sometimes you have to go through it yourself, but he was very generous with the things that he kind of learned in a much harder way than he did. I remembered him helping me, I had to host something. No, when you hosted the Emmys and he wrote it, he wrote in the back of the horse. I wrote in the horse, yes. But he also came to me before we- I don't think I ever laughed harder in my life than that. He did the, I just asked him to participate in this bit where I start to fall in love

with Jennifer Aniston, she's sitting in the audience and I start to get distracted and fall in love with her and then Brad Pitt is sitting next to her and the camera swings to him and he's staring at me with hate and then you cut to me being rattled and then you see me turn and fall in love with someone even more deeply and it was Gary and it worked great and Gary played it perfectly and then we cut to the montage of us on the horse, which was really fun. But what he did is he showed up for that session just to shoot this thing on the horse and he said, what do you got for your monologue?

What do you got? Let's go through it. Yeah. And like a really good piano teacher, he had me go through all my jokes really thoughtfully, not in a sycophantic or not like, oh, that's just great, man, but like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yep. That one's good. Uh, yeah, that one, huh.

He was just like a doctor looking at your chart, you know. Generous. Generous. And then he loved it. Yeah. Kevin Nealon tells a story about them all playing basketball. Maybe you and it's this and then literally like a bug, like a ladybug or something was crossing and he made everybody stop playing, picked up the bug and carried it off the court

because he didn't want this little bug to get mashed. And when I play basketball, I try to use the ball to hit any creature. I can. I remember in New England, I, I don't think you're that much older than me, but there was a summer. I'm 77 years old. There was a summer where monarch butterflies, uh, the caterpillars before they turned into monarch butterflies blew in and mass and they were, they covered everything.

They covered the whole driveway, everything. And I remember my sister and I, we could, we would play basketball before dinner and you couldn't even dribble a ball without like killing five of them. You don't remember that? I remember my dad brought us all each a, a flamethrower and we just, that's not true. No, true. He brought them, he got them government issue and we were just walking around the neighborhood and these things would try and fly just in flames.

The whole air was filled with just flames. You're doing a funny comedy bit. Is it funny or did you just put quotes around funny? I think you did. I think you put quotes around funny. I think in a way. Yeah. You did.

Sorry to interrupt. I don't remember the monarch thing. I wish I did. I'm really looking for a connection with you. You're never going to get it. I'm damaged. Let's take a break and I'm going to get some help. And we're back.

That was a fun break. Whoa. Did you like that? Yeah. Interesting, um, things. Those were ads that we just ran. Yeah. I'd like to buy some of those or sign up for that.

Really? Do you want to fracture print? Those are on glass. I've done 700 ads for fracture and I'm mentioning them right now and I don't, I'm not even getting paid. If a photograph isn't on glass, then you're an ass. Is that? That's their, that's the line they use at fracture.

Whoa. Yeah. I feel like you made that up, but that would be really. If it's not printed on something shiny, you should shove it up your high knee. That's an actual quote for fracture. And, uh, please. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't put fracture glass, a picture of Jim Bacchus, then you should shove it all up your toe, guess.

I don't think any of this is airable, uh, but it's going to air where it's just going out there. And, but I say air, I think it's a podcast. It doesn't air, does it? No, no. I'm using the wrong language. It gets posted. Yeah.

It gets posted? That's so sad. Downloaded. That just sounds so bloodless. What kind of show business are we in now? I don't know. Sarah and I want to be in show business where there's a crowd and there's people and this is going out on the air.

We don't want to be making stuff that's downloaded. Hmm. It's been posted. What is that? I mean, I feel like it's the way you're saying it because you could be like, you could download it and, and we'll post it. Yeah. Thank you.

Oh. So it's the way I'm saying it. You could say, oh, you, you planted a tree in Israel. It just depends on how you say it. Oh, you donated to a cause that saved hundreds of thousands of lives. Oh, you cured cancer and saved a whole species ring. Oh, for a price of a cup of coffee, you helped the kid go to school in Africa. Well, actually, that does sound stupid.

The coffee, how good is the coffee? The coffee is really good. What comes first? These are just questions that need to be asked, not by me, but by someone who has nothing to lose. No, I'd like to, I don't, I'm not here to promote anything, but I would like to offer myself, I would love to do, this is regional, but I always want to sing this. No, I don't want to blow it.

Hmm. Ninety-four, seven, the wave. Ooh. Yeah. You think they'd let me do that? I think you just did. They still do it. Yeah.

Do they still do that? Of course. That's still the song. Yeah. I don't want to take the gig away. What is it? Ninety-four, seven, the wave. Yeah.

That was great one, too. I wonder if we're going to get any money. We could harmonize it. Ninety-four, seven, the wave. I go high, you go low. Okay. Ninety-four, seven, the wave. Yeah, that you just sang the melody.

I can't do it. I don't think I can do it. Ninety-four, seven, the wave. All right. That's what you should do. That's what you should do. Here we go. Ninety-four, seven, the wave.

Ooh. Listen, we've probably lost people with this whole ninety-four, seven, the wave thing. I encourage you to come back. I encourage you, you've probably pulled your car over. Did we do it? That's good. We've been talking for like eight hours. Oh, no, no.

We're, this is going to be a marathon. We're here for a long time. Is this first mile train? You're not. This is one of those forty-four hour podcasts. You don't leave until I have a full coppery fisherman's beard. Wait, did I ever tell you that I have a, I feel like a good podcast story about you, but maybe I did tell it to you or maybe I've said it on your show.

I don't think so. Let's hear it. If it's about me, me want it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, this is vulnerable, but of course it was a lifetime ago. So it was, you were doing your show in New York, you were single.

And I always had boyfriends, but I was suddenly single. And then I came to do your show and I brought my best friend, Heidi. And this is how there's, you know, when you are a woman, a young woman, like I had such a prowess. I was so uber confident in my sexuality and like, I mean, I think this was good for me. So anyway, I go, I was coming to do your show. And I say to my friend, Heidi, you know what, I'm going to make out with Conan after the show tonight.

It wasn't even like I'm going to try or I have a crush on him. It was just a choice that I was making heading into the show. Right. And it was so arrogant that I said to Heidi, we're in the dressing room. And I go, yeah, I'm going to make out with Conan. And so can you get your own ride home? I said to Heidi, I go, you're going to have to get your own ride home, like take a cab home or the subway.

Right. Just let's make that plan now. You're so uncomfortable. I'm incredibly uncomfortable, but also so. You know that we're bruh, this was 20 something years ago. Guess what? I'm, please, I'm very intrigued. I am incredibly intrigued.

And so you come in because you'd always come in to say hello. Yeah. And you know, I adored you. And I was in sex kitten mode, which is, you know, not rare. It's rare because I almost always as a, I would always have a boyfriend. So I would only be like, I didn't see other men as sexual beings ever. It was very rare. And so you come in and I'm like, I like touched your tie.

And I was like, I like your tie, you know, and you go, thanks. And you go, guess what, and I go, what, and you go, I'm engaged. You had just got engaged to Liza like that day or the day before. And I immediately go, oh my God, amazing. But I'm sighing my best friend in the corner of the room, dying laughing and she's a loose cannon. So I was, while I was saying like, that's amazing, I'm so happy for you. And I was, you know, of course, but like, wait a minute, I was so afraid she was gonna

say something. Wait a minute. What I'm saying is that I was cock-blocked by my wife. Yeah, by Liza. I could have, I'm just thinking of what could have happened except the mother of my children. I mean, I don't, I was so arrogantly confident for so, for whatever reason. Well, guess what? I, listen, if we're it not for the woman whose name I will not mention, because she's

on my shit list now, I should be hilarious just to chew her out. The terror of having a loose cannon friend like Heidi just right behind you, holding her stomach, she's dying laughing and like me being so scared she was gonna say something. Let's imagine, I mean, would that have, okay, we just play a little game here just as a creepy old man. Oh, we'd surely be married. Listen, listen, well, I don't know, let's say, I hadn't said that, let's say, I hadn't met Liza yet, would we have made out and how would that have happened?

I'd have taken you to a red lobster. I would nag you like it says to in the book, The Gale. Really? You'd have nagged me like said, oh, your lips are so thin, you're so pale, oh, you're so pale. I'm not, I'm not very in touch with the girl I once was. But you know. I don't think the nagging would have worked for me.

I think I would have been like, you're right, it better go. That's how I would respond to the nagging. Wow, that's a great, that makes me. Is that a good story? That's a really good story. I've never heard that. I've never heard that. I've never heard that story and I love that story and wondering if any other people out

there have a similar story about me, you know. You're all flush and your posture's better and yeah, you're just, I spring and you're standing. I have a new, I now, I'm like the Grinch at the end of the Grinch, so Christmas, I can lift 20 times my own weight right now because Sarah Silverman just said she entertained the idea of making out with me once. You should take that as a compliment. I do.

I mean, because that's, you know, I mean, you're so brilliant and funny and tall and you're attractive, but, and not to take anything away, but there was a time in my youth, you know, back in my 20s like that where I just was very free sexually and I would just in my, you know, I would be like, when I was single, I would be like, what do his balls look like? What do his balls look like? What do his balls look like? You know?

And, and so you really, was it just, I want to see their testicles, that's the extent? I think because I lost my virginity late, you know, like at 19, I was like, oh my God, I love this. I love this form of connection. I like the way it feels. I like the, the power I feel from it probably. I mean, I don't know that I articulate, could articulate that. And so I was very like, you're free, gluttonous and free and curious and like didn't.

Now I feel, I'm, I'm now, I'm single now and I, it's different, you know, like I feel very, I almost have like a fear of men lately, you know, like I, I just, I've just always organically had long-term boyfriends and I am very much enjoying being alone. I love, love. I really do. But I just, do you know the feeling of, it's kind of an act or maybe feeling or know anybody, like if you don't know when your next gig is, then you're stressing and you're not enjoying your free time and inevitably you do get your next gig.

But if you know I have a gig in a month, like a long-term gig, you can enjoy that month. So like, I feel like my person is going to come get me. And in the meantime, I'm really like, maybe overly enjoying being, I need to be alone as a person anyway, regularly every day. And but like, I'm just loving doing anything I want at all times and disappointing nobody, you know. That's lovely. It's odd being a woman my age.

I'm in my late 40s. It's just odd. It's, I don't have many single peers. I guess I just, I haven't felt, I've been feeling unsafe lately. You know, Whitney Cummings, I don't remember what the joke part of is, but she, she made a point that so like, I realized it didn't occur to me that men didn't, that men, why would men think about this, you know, because you, but like, you maybe don't realize like when we do spots around town, comedian, women comedians, it's scary walking back to your

car, you know, or like, it's scary, like walking back to my hotel last night. Like I, I keep mace, you know, I'm a positive person and I love people and I like talking to strangers, but like, I, I hold mace in my hand to walk home so I can just feel safe, you know, but it's so different. Well, I would say the, in the last couple of years, the biggest thing I've been saying to myself, I don't know. I don't know what it's like. I just don't know what it's like and, and no one's looking for an answer for me.

I need to shut up and listen because I don't know. Right. And I understand that perspective with people of color. Yeah. I don't know. And so when there are times where I have to say, wait a minute, I'm a guy, I'm a male, I'm six foot four, away about 195 pounds and I'm never scared when I walk to my car. Yeah.

I mean, that must be awesome. Well, the thing is I take it for granted because I've never had that. I don't have it. And so it takes a second to stop and shut up and then see, oh, I have no idea. What it's like. I know what it was like for me to be a comedy writer coming up in the 80s and 90s and things felt hard for me. And I have no fucking idea how hard it was for women.

Here's a very recent example. Did you have to punch in a code to pee when we both went to pee? I did. Oh, you did? Yeah. But it is. No, no, but I use the women's room routinely. I just find it ironic.

When I was at SNL the one year I was there, there was a code you had to punch in to use the ladies room. And of course, the men's room was just open. And that was for, there's a reason they had to put a thing that had a code on the door. No, in this building, there's a code on the guides thing as well, which surprised me because I've never had to, I don't remember putting a code in to use a men's room. Yeah, it's common for women's rooms. So I just urinated on the floor outside the men's room, which was my way of showing them,

I think. So dare you inconvenience me. Yeah. It's so interesting seeing the roles changing between the right and the left, but it's the same play, you know, and like, I want to be rooting for people. Like I just, I don't see what it does to just vilify someone and not just, and not hope, hope for that people. I know I grow and change.

I would assume a 20 year old might grow and change, you know, or like I had a massage and this guy was very earnest, very good, but I, my porcupine needles were up. I was lying, you know, on my stomach and, you know, your naked under the thing and he was doing these long motions like up my thigh and he was like a millimeter from my labia, you know. He even poked it a couple of times and it was, you know, and it's so scary to say anything and I know for a fact he wasn't trying to touch like the, my labia. That he wasn't, he wasn't being, he wasn't trying to gratify himself.

No. It was just things like long, very, you know, deep, but I know that he wasn't. Intention like really matters, but it also made me super uptight. And so I, I never have done this, but I got, I turned around and I go, could you not touch my vagina? And then he was like, oh my God, I, I'm so sorry. You know, I can't do accents, but it would, but he was like, I'm so sorry. And I go, it's just, it's not at all relaxing, feeling like you're about, like, you know,

it's not relaxing. And he goes, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I go, it's okay. And then he finished the massage and it was good. And then at the end I said, oh, thank you so much. And he goes, I'm, I'm so sorry. And I go, I'm so glad I said something.

Now like we both can feel better about it. And like, you know what I mean? It was, I could have just bottled it up and then like tweeted something about this masseuse that was, you know what I mean? It wasn't intentional and now he'll be more aware of it. And he was a good person, a great masseuse, you know? And I just, I see more opportunities to be that way. I'm not saying like, be like me with my masseuse who touched my vagina, but you can tell when

the intention is not to cop a feel or is not to hurt someone. And maybe they still are anyway, but you can, you can give them a chant, like be like, hey, you know what, when you do this, it's, it's due to causing this reaction and I would want to know. Yep. And then you go, oh, fuck right. Yeah. I can change that.

You know, like I met this guy who's a neo-Nazi, ex-neo-Nazi Christian, Christian Petlini. Christian Petlini. Oh, okay. And you know, he's no longer that for years now. His whole purpose of life is getting people out of hate groups, helping people get out of hate groups. And it's incredible. But for years from when he was 14 to 29 or something, he, he did terrible hate crimes.

He violent hate crimes he was involved in. Right. And this is someone you can interact with now. Oh, I love him. Yeah. He's so special. He's amazing. And I think because people have been introduced to him as this former, this, who's now this,

has dedicated his life to this, you can forgive the, the, that because he's, it's, it's led him to become this amazing person. Right. We're in a moment now where- What happens if we met him then? Right. But also what happens if he has changed, but someone then comes forward and says, here's a picture of you at a hate rally.

Oh, he'll post pictures of that. Right. But yeah, of course. Yeah. But you know what I mean? That the idea of being that people, I got tired of in my teens and twenties and thirties and into my forties, I was extremely judgmental about comedy. I wish I had known that, I don't know if it's a biochemical thing like testosterone or something

has to drop. Something has to just- Your balls. Yes, and I know you're fascinated with testicles as you said earlier. Oh yeah, I guess so. I have drawings. They are miracles. I love how like when you're cold, they go up high towards your body to stay warm.

They go in your body sometimes if you're frightened. They go up inside your body. They can go up inside. Oh, I've put them up. I've shoved them up there sometimes in times of great danger. I have two sticks for that purpose. Then if you're very hot, they go low to get some cool. Right, and when you get older, they go really low.

I know. You can tuck them into your socks. It's unbelievable. I really think if I was a man, if I would wear tidy whiteies just the way we wear bras because I know someone who only wore boxers and his balls are very low and he's super depressed about it. Really? Yeah, they touch water.

And he's depressed about that. Yeah, bones him out. Of course. You think if he had been wearing protective... I think if he wore tidy whiteies instead of boxers his whole life, his balls would not be as low. What about a boxer brief, say like a sax? That's a company that makes a boxer brief that puts the testicles in a pouch and I mentioned

them because they're a sponsor on the show. I think that's probably real smart. They encase the testicles in a special pouch, I'm wearing them now. Are you really good? Yeah. I would say that, but it would be disrespectful. To my wife. Yeah, to Liza, who I love.

I think so. Yeah, she's lovely and she's a great person. How long have you guys been together? Well, we've been together like 94, 19 years, 19 years we've been together and we've been married 17 years. Wow. Yeah. And I'll never forget the day that I proposed to her.

I said, she said, don't you have something to ask me because I see you have a ring. Is that true? Hold it. And I said, yeah, but first I need to go make out with Sarah Silverman and she said, first things first. So you thought I was going to be sincere about something? Yes, I was like holding my heart. No, I don't have a human heart or soul.

There's nothing in here. True. That's probably the whole story, like you went to do a bit in the office space where she worked and she like didn't know who you were and you found that enchanting. Yeah, no, I met her. I met her on a remote and I was shooting a remote and I stopped trying to be funny and then I just started asking her about her life and then it's all, you can look it up online, Conan meets his wife and then we dated for a year and a half or so and got engaged and

you were on the show with your friend. I think John Oliver met his wife that way. It's really the only reason to get into comedy. Remotes. When a guy says I'm off to shoot a remote, he's really just looking for a spouse. And God forbid Liza ever left me. I'd probably, someone would say, Conan, are you going to get out there and date again? I would say, well, I'm just going to go shoot more remotes.

I'm going to just shoot. That's how I meet him. That's my method. Do you like it? Do you like being here and was this fun for you? Yeah, I could talk to you forever. I'm sure it's way overstayed my own stay. This has been really good.

This has been great. Is there anything you wanted to say to me about my odor or my? I don't smell anything. No, I'm pretty neutral when it comes to odor. Well, I feel like you were saying something about balls and I took it to another direction. I just was saying that there is boxer briefs are the way to go. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Really, there wasn't really anything. Sorry. Yeah. Why would I bring it back to that? You know, you say tidy whiteies and then you just look like Homer Simpson in his underwear and no one wants to do that. You want a boxer brief and I think sex is the way to go. That's sex with two X's, a special chamber that holds the.

They had me until the spelling. They really are a sponsor and they keep sending us underwear. So it's only for men because it's got that pocket. Yeah. I mean, they may make something for women, but I know that they pride themselves on the special chamber, a special device. They call it a chamber, not a pouch. I called it chamber.

I like giving it almost like it's I've my testicles are retired to their chamber. Like a judge. Iron door. Yeah. Panic room. My testicles need to confer about this important landmark case. So they've retired to their chamber. That's how I look at it.

You're a lovely person. I keep saying the word lovely. Like, I like it. I'm just love having you here. It was really nice. Right. I'm going. I didn't want you to leave.

Now Gourley's here conk blocking me. Well, speaking of that, I have it from Adam. It's called the ballpark pouch for sex. Yeah. I have it from Adam Sacks. Adam Sacks is the producer and this is, yeah, there's a diagram of it right there. See that special chamber? This is a diagram.

Oh, we're looking down into the underwear. Yeah. It's a three dimensional almost like some webbing. Yeah. Yeah. It's webbing that holds the testicles in place. Wait a minute. And then your penis is also in there.

Well, the penis is sort of attached. Yeah. I don't know how you claim that you've seen a lot of these. Yes. It's all part of the same thing. The penis is a shaft that usually don't you have to go one side or the other, but this is now in the pouch in the ballpark pouch. Yeah.

If I can actually improve on this, I think there could be a pouch for the testicles and then I think there could be a separate area that the shaft of the penis descends down into where it's wrapped in its own cocoon. No. Why? That's just too constricting. Have you ever wore socks with the separate toes? I can't do it.

Right. Yeah. I feel like you would be like that. Yeah. No. I've given this a lot of fun. You want a mitten, not a glove. Right.

Right. It's a separate shaft that it falls down into. I bet you love the container store. I'm always going to the container store and they always quickly realize what I'm asking for. Can I have two smaller chambers, if you will? Maybe quicker. And then a longer shaft like plastic.

Now if the two could connect and then they're like, get the fuck out of here. You pervert. They always chase. I've been chased out of the container store more times than I care to admit. We are going to wrap this up. Thank you. Thank you so much for doing this. And my joy.

And you'll come to a party at my house next time, right? You'd come to my house. Yeah. I've been to your house. I know you've been there, but you'll come again. Yeah. There are too many paintings of me in my house. I've always wanted to have the props department just make giant paintings of me and put them

everywhere in my house as a joke. Unfractured glass. Oh. It is the best way. It's a creation. Yes. Best way to experience any photograph is on glass. Any idiot knows that.

Fracture. God, I hope these sponsors are on this episode. They might not be. These are probably freebies. I mean, in Los Angeles, just with earthquakes and stuff, do you want to have a lot of glass on the wall? Right. Guess what?

That's a really good point. No one's ever brought that up before. That's something to bring up with fracture. Fracture. No. You just brought up a great reason why fractures shouldn't work. God, I hope the sponsors are not on this. If you're in California where there's a lot of earthquakes, have all of your photographs

transferred to sharp glass and then hang them above your bed. Fracture. A good idea most places, not in Los Angeles. Where you can get killed by shards of your grandchildren. A shard of Seth just went right through my jugular. All right, Sarah Silverman, thank you very much. This was a mitzvah, a good yantif, a shtetl. Shit.

It's time to go to the phone bank and listen to some voicemails. Let's go. All right, Will, hit it. Hey, Conan. Albert here from Milwaukee. Love the podcast. Recently, my wife and I went on a little vacation of Boston and we found ourselves in Cambridge and we went to Mr. Bartley's for a burger milkshake.

I know that you have a sandwich on the menu, the Conan O'Brien, which is turkey with stuffing and cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes. Have you had the sandwich? And when someone creates a sandwich in your honor, do you get to pick what's on it or is it kind of a guess we think it's what he likes? Thanks a bunch. Keep up the great work. Hey, Albert from Milwaukee.

This is an excellent question and I'm glad that you asked it. First of all, I remember this place very well from when I was a student. I would go there and I would always get the same thing, which was a hamburger with this sort of barbecue sauce on it. And that was my favorite thing. And this is back when I was 18 years old. And being able to go into a restaurant and buy a hamburger seemed like a huge deal. And I would go there with the older guys on the lampoon who I thought were so cool and

I would get my hamburger and I just thought, man, this is the life. This is living. Life is never going to get better than this. So I remember this restaurant very well. Absolutely not. No one consulted me about this sandwich. No one asked me about this sandwich. Now, it sounds like a delightful sandwich.

It sounds great. And I think they were very kind to name a sandwich after me because Harvard hasn't done shit. You know, there's no statue of me. There's no, there's no Conan Hall. You know what I mean? That would be nice. It would be nice to donate to me.

What's that? I shouldn't have to donate. I've donated my life's work. So no, I believe there should be some kind of plaque or something somewhere there for me. But that's their call. That's Harvard's call. Haven't presidents gone there?

Yeah. I mean, do they have plaques and buildings named after them? I don't know. How many hours on YouTube has John Quincy Adam logged? Okay. Anybody want to answer that question? And I've been searching. I've been searching and John F. Kennedy, he's got some fine speeches.

I've got thousands and thousands of hours of me and my hijinks. So no president comes close to what I've accomplished on the internet. And that's why I think there should be some kind of, I'm just being honest. I'm telling you what I think. I think it would be appropriate if Harvard did that. And so I leave that now up to the establishment to decide. And for the students to demand, quite frankly. That's up to them.

But I do remember this restaurant and no, they never consulted me about the sandwich, but I'm glad they named the sandwich after me because at least it's something. I've got a sandwich named after me at this restaurant. Do you think the cranberry sauce is a nod to the color of your hair? No, I think people overthink it. This is what I think. Now there are delis where they'll say, I remembered, I think some deli in New York briefly had a sandwich named after me before they decided not to.

Oh, that's so sad. Yeah. It's worse to have a sandwich and then have it taken away. Trust me, there's no greater indignity than achieving a sandwich and then having the sandwich discontinued. Did they give it to another celebrity or they just completely wiped it clean? Yeah, I think it's called like the Fallon now, you know? But it was the stage deli, I don't even think the stage deli, the stage deli might not still

be around, but the stage deli had a Conan O'Brien and I remembered it was like, you know, half a pound of corny beef, do you know what I mean? And then with some, and then I remember they, I think they tried really hard to come up with other puns and they made this sandwich and I went and had the sandwich once and it was a good sandwich, but at least, you know, I'm not going to, then the sandwich was discontinued. And then changed, I think, to the Fallon or the Kimmel or whatever, with a side of cordon. I don't know. I don't know what happened.

But I think people overthink these things and they think, oh, turkey, because Conan's kind of a turkey. You know, they overdo it. No, they just made a nice sandwich. What would be your sandwich if you were to have one made? What would you have it be? I think it'd be like a quarter pound of pure excellence, marinated in originality sauce for seven weeks and then served up on some firm freckled buns.

Oh, wait a minute. You know what? Now, guess what? Now I hate me. I just stepped outside myself and I hate myself, but, but no, is it, is it Bartley's or Barclays? I mean, it's, I think it's Barclays. I don't know. I think he said, I think it's Barclays.

It's been a long time and I haven't been back there, but I do want to thank them for naming a sandwich after me. And please, I'd like people in that area of Cambridge and just greater Boston to pressure Harvard. It doesn't have to be a big statue. It can be one eighth size. It can be a doorstep. Well, if Harvard makes you a sandwich, I don't want the food there named after me.

Let's just put it at that. But really good question, Albert, from Milwaukee. And I thank you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer

Papples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts,

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