Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Sarah Silverman Returns

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Comedian and actress Sarah Silverman feels ambivalent about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Sarah sits down with Conan once more to share her most irrational fear (and most embarrassing childhood memory), stories of family know-it-alls, and the thrills that come along with age-related hearing loss.

Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman, and I feel ambivalent, I guess, or let's- Well, that's just fantastic. Oh. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by my chums, my pals, my amigos, Sona Movesesian.

Hello, Sona. Hi, Conan. Oh, you're, get your fist over your mouth. Is it a, it's just comfortable this way. I know, but it sounds to people listening that you've had a mini-stroke. And Matt Gorley, how are you? Hola, amigo. Okay.

Hey. Nice, you're a bilingual. That's fantastic. That's as far as it goes. We have lovely show today. Yeah. Excited about it. And I see, we're twinning a little bit, we've both not shaved.

Yeah. And I'm stunned by the face I see in the morning when I look in the mirror, because I'm used to shaving, I shave a lot. I like this look on you, it looks good. But it's a total, you know, gold prospector time. It's a ghostly white beard that's freaking me out. Yeah. So is this the first time you've had a beard in a while since it's gone full on?

Yeah. It's gone. Tundra. It used to be sort of coppery. It was redder than my hair. Sort of, well, you know, kind of like Prince Harry's beard. I'm just saying that because he's the name that everyone's talking about. And I think I'm all out like Prince Harry.

How so? Well, hounded by the paps, forced to leave my native country. Hounded by the paps. To marry the woman I loved. Is your native country? Yeah. Which one is it? Let's not get into it.

Let's not ask a lot of questions. You don't even want to answer the very basic question of which country? Why can't people just accept that I am so much like Prince Harry? Oh, it's because you're not at all like him. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I was, when I got married, people said, sorry ladies, but eligible bachelor Conan O'Brien is off the market.

You didn't even joke, but probably people said that. They didn't. I went looking. I was trying to be nice. I hired six. You went looking. I hired six publicists to scour through microfilm, internet, everything. No, not one mention.

We gave people a script and asked them to say that and they still wouldn't do it. And they wouldn't do it. Yeah. No. A lot of women everywhere rejoice that El Creepo is off the market. That was a headline in the New York Times. A cruel paper. No, I had, it was very coppery red.

And now I'll get up in the morning and I'll forget that I have just let it go. And I look like my own ghost from the future. I think you look distinguished. I think you look real. Yours looks good. Oh, thank you. Does it keep you warm? Does it even do anything?

You know what it is? It inches. I remember my son, when he was really young, asked me, because this is back when I had originally had my beard for a little while during our touring period, during all that craziness in 2010. And he was worried because he thought, you know, someday he'd be able to grow a beard. And he thought that it hurt. He said, does it hurt when the hair pushes up through the skin?

Oh. And I said, like you wouldn't believe. Oh no, you lie. Yeah. I told him that. It's very, very, it's an ending agony. Do you get food stuck in it? I don't think so.

Yeah. Not at this length. No. But there is a point. No, if we really let it go. And I don't know that I'm really going to let it go. It's easy to top it. Yeah.

You know what? Letterman. Letterman did that crazy escaped convict who's been living in the woods for six years beard. And you know, the Rumpelstiltskin beard, where he fell asleep for 15 years. And so anyone else, no, it's like he grabbed that piece of pie. None of us can do that. Are you bitter about it? Very bitter.

Why don't you just do long mutton chops, long gray mutton chops that look like whisker wings. Yeah. Like an old general in the Civil War. Yeah. But down so low that you could like wrap them under your armpits and flip them back. Wait, so it's going. Why not? Basically sideburns that go down and then I braid them with my armpit hair.

Yes. So it all attaches. And then I can, it's like a sling from my iPhone. Yes. And you could like theoretically move your head to the left and your right arm will come up. Yeah. Yeah.

I could be my own puppeteer. Yeah. I could be both puppet and puppeteer. That's what you've always wanted. That's the dream. That is the dream. No, I think this will go, it'll go soon. But what I will say is I've sometimes thought of growing crazy sideburns.

Yeah, you should. Just real crazy sideburns. Why not? Because it would go with your kind of rockabilly aspirations. Yeah. Do you think you can, do you think you can pull it off? What do you mean you can pull it off? Say, be honest.

I don't know. Do you have the, do you have that persona for? Rockabilly? Like no, for like sideburns. Well, listen, you've seen me perform rockabilly. I know. Yeah. And?

But you don't perform it all the time. I know. It's not like you have, you're touring. You're not touring. I know. But I could. What I'm saying is if I got the hair combed up and I got the, the flip collar going and I had crazy sideburns.

Yeah. You want to be a cool guy with sideburns? Here's the problem. Huh. You're still at the age and you're still out there playing electric guitar. I remember it was, I was playing once with my band and one of my writers, I don't know if it was Sweeney or Matt, someone said, that was fantastic. It's like a Viagra commercial.

And I immediately thought of the guy who's in his like sixties. And there was one where, where a guy's playing, he's rocking it out in his band and his wife who's got long gray hair and it's like 60 is with him with a tambourine. The minute I heard that, I burned my guitar. I got a huge boner because I didn't realize you're supposed to just take one. I put seven of them in a smoothie. Yeah. And I rented myself out as a co-op at the embarked hero room.

God. I don't like that imagery. What? Just people coming and hanging things on your dick. Well, I like that. Is your peri-pants on? I like that anyone, if I myself out to a store club coat room, because I had a never ending boner from meeting seven Viagras, that they would accept that because they, it's somehow

better than a normal coat hook. And not only that, it's one of those coat hooks that if you pulled on, it opens a secret passage to the back of the room. Yeah. But I scream as you pull it down. I shriek. How many coats can you hold with your dick? Are you kidding me?

I should see. Guess what, four wet raincoats and a parka, ladies. Just so you know, I've tested it. These are wet raincoats. Not dry. Dry doesn't count. I know there are some comedians out there saying, oh, give me a dry raincoat. Four wet raincoats.

These are the really good, like British raincoats and a parka that's laden with snow and has two five-pound weights in the mitten pockets. That's what this old a-ca-ca-roo can do, a-ca-ca-roo, a-ca-ca-roo. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I don't think I said the lucky word for the day. All right. Well, we got, I think we have a show here somewhere. My guest today is a very funny comedian and actress.

You know from the Larry Sanders show, the Sarah Silverman program, and Wreck-it Ralph, she's currently touring the country on her Grosim Lips tour. Tickets are available now. She's also guest-hosting The Daily Show all next week on Comedy Central. That'll be great. I'm thrilled. She's here. Sarah Silverman.

Welcome. Sarah, you know I love you. I do. And I have, and I have for a long time. And, um, and we've been in the comedy trenches together. I like to act like it's sort of like trench warfare. Yeah. When doing comedy, it's nothing like trench warfare.

Right. Dysentery, rats, bullets flying. I remember when you first came on my show in, I think it was 1993 when you were seven years old. That's right. You were just a tiny, tiny kid when you came on my show for the first time, and I was like your friendly old uncle. I was frightened.

Your name was more of a creepy uncle? No, just a, you know, beyond TV. Oh, you were in front of a beyond TV? I don't know. Maybe you were. I don't know. I don't know. But being on your show is the best.

Well, thank you. But you always seemed fearless, always. And I know that that's not true, but you're really good at faking it. Right. Thank you. And, uh, you're really good at going out there with really smart, very edgy material and, uh, selling it and, and afterwards you leave this impression of sweetness and light. And I always think, how is that possible?

Do you know what I mean? It's a magic trick. You managed to pull off. It's like an aftertaste. There is. There's a very pleasant, God loves Sarah. She's so great after you're done. And then when I look at the transcript of some of the things that you've said, I, you

know, want to have you arrested. So it's a very, very cool thing that you do. Thank you. Uh, can't think of anything better to say. We're done. We're done. There was no question. I was just saying nice things about you.

I was happy. I walked into the office and you had already gotten here and I walked upstairs and immediately I see you wearing a Philson's winter hat, which makes me really happy. I know you're from New Hampshire. Yeah. I'm from Massachusetts. I'm wearing, uh, I'm willing the weather to be colder than it is here in Los Angeles. So I'm wearing a very, I think you described it as very sexy and manly.

Maybe I said that. I think it's, it's what it is, is it's, um, I would say this is LA rugged, but, um, you know how you can like buy like $1,000 sneakers that look like they're used and, um, jeans with holes in them and they're like expensive. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, like if this were for actual cold weather, it would be lined. It would be lined. It's not lined.

You're right. And what is this new fancy thing of unlined clothes that's cheaper? Well, I don't think this is a very, I'm honestly saying this is not a very expensive, uh, is it a jacket or a shirt? You know, that's, it's called a shacket. Is it really? No, I just made that up. It's kind of a halfway between who makes it.

It's not like this fancy company. It is a company called Flint and Tinder. Yeah. Oh, you knew? Well, the minute you said Flint, I knew what it was. Flint and Tinder. Oh, Flint and Tinder. And I'm not doing an ad for them, but if they want to send me some stuff, I'll flood it with

you. Okay. Um, it is nice though. I'm being, I'm negging you because I read the game and, uh, I heard that's, yeah, that like brings them, you know, I pray on your insecurities that you'll, you'll want from me, uh, more if I, uh, neg you. I tried to, uh, because that's the thing that you do in dating. They say you're supposed to, you can do it in business.

You can say, I don't really think you have a great company here. Oh, please, we'll lower our price. Well, I really don't think you, you know, that's, but they also say you can do it in dating. That's what it is. That's the game. That's the, that book. The game.

Yeah. I'm always current. It's from about 19 years ago. Yeah. That's fine. You know when people on the internet go like, well, remember when you used to be funny or is that just me? I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah. I've never had, I've, this is interesting. I'm the only celebrity that's never had a negative thing said about me in social media. Oh my God. That's amazing. I've had them, I've had them scrub the entire internet since 1993. It's unbelievable. Not one negative comment ever of any kind.

Oh my God. So anyway, you get that sometimes. Remember when you used to be funny? Yeah. Yeah. I do. But I get that. And I go, oh, these jerks.

They're, you know, whatever. But then last night I was like, I remembered some old material and I was like, I did used to be way funnier. I mean, that is, and I do remember it. I mean, I was pretty hardcore funny. Yeah. It's funny because my response would be, you used to think I was funny. Wow.

Wow. Like what, you're specifically 1995, what's that? You're all red. I just wanted to see my fingerprint. Oh, am I all red? Yeah. You just suddenly got red. I think because I, you know, I am, as we all know, very white.

And when I laugh or show joy, my face gets red in that Irish way. And then yes, you can put your palm on my forehead and if you take it off quickly. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Oh my God. Cool. Right? Yeah.

It's really fun. Is it cool? Well, the problem is I just burst a vessel in my brain. So I've got about 30 seconds to live. Yeah. Isn't it funny what we do for? To get a laugh. I mean, I can like make my hand like really like contorted, like, you know, like, I like

this. Oh my God. Look at that. And people go, how do you do that? I go, it hurts. You know, I just like, that's how bad I want attention, I guess. Oh, it is, I can't do that at all. Just painful.

That looks insane. I mean, look at that. That is. Oh my God. Absolute. We'll take a picture so you can post this still. Well, I think we already got it. Look at that.

What? Is this a video podcast? Yeah. Is it really? Sure. Why not? Oh no. No, you look amazing.

I guess. Fantastic. I, to that point, if I thought I could make, it's got to be a pretty good sized crowd. I'm going to say at least 3,500. Let's talk like Beacon Theater, some big crowd. Yeah. But if I thought it would get a really big, great reaction, I would shatter my pelvis. If I knew that that was going to happen beforehand and they said it's going to really hurt and

you'll get some, it'll be like a year before you walk again and you're going to have a lot of pins, I'd be saying, but how hard do they laugh? Right. And then say, well, you know, it's like a four minute, four minutes. Wow. Have you, I mean, I've seen you, you fell off a water buffalo once and that was part of the show. So that, you know, I've seen you actually hurt yourself.

Oh yeah. Before. Yeah. Many times. Yeah. Many times I have hurt myself. I don't know. Because I don't have, at my very core, I don't love myself.

I love laughter. Isn't that, wait, that, that, that chill you to the bone? It did. It made me uncomfortable. I don't know. Well, I didn't mean it. I'll just joking around. Let's talk about you.

Finally. I mean, but really should we, like you interview people so there's still a lot people don't know about you, although I think there's a lot people do. But is there anything left for me to reveal or say, I feel like, oh, there was something when I was eating salad with everyone out there. We had a little bit of a festive day here at work. Erica Brown went and got a lot of great food and laid it all out. That does not usually happen.

I usually forbid that kind of thing. Of course. I'm sort of the Scrooge here. I don't like a lot of joy and. Oh, that's right. I want to write a comment card for whatever restaurant they got that from. I just have a comment. Oh.

And it was. You can say. Like, I don't think you need to have sun-dried tomato pieces be that big. Yes, I agree with you. I would cut each one into ninths, sprinkle it in. Yes. Throughout the salad, not just on top and they only use like a third. It was a tubular pasta, a penne, I believe, with a light cream sauce.

And then each piece of sun-dried tomato was a whole sun-dried tomato. Yeah. It was. Vertical slices that were very long. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know, it's an accent wall. It's not the whole room.

Right? Exactly. We'll see. Here's the thing. You thought there was nothing left you could reveal. You just revealed something about yourself. I'm helping people. You pay attention to the details.

You always have. Yeah. God, I am. Well, because we were talking out there and I go, I don't think I have anything left to reveal of myself. And then y'all were like, well, how about the thing you just said? I go, oh yeah, maybe, which is, I have a very, I feel, rational fear of getting dementia and masturbating in public.

That's specific. Very specific. And then even every once in a while, like every healthy person does, if I do choose to masturbate in a closet alone with several locks, I go, hold on a second. Do I have dementia and amelderly and I'm in a wheelchair at like my grandson's but mitzvah right now? Bar mitzvah. These are not erotic thoughts.

If you're trying to achieve the orgasmic state, you can't be thinking about, wait a minute, am I an incontinent person in a wheelchair? That's all I can, that's the only way I can come. That's crazy, me too. I'm like, I'm so old. I'm so old. I'm so goddamn old. I'm just shitting myself constantly.

Is it okay though, I mean, you can get away with it because you have dementia. I mean, it's not okay, but it's like, oh, she's got dementia. Yeah, but it's definitely not how you want to be remembered. Well, I don't know. You know, here's what I think about this sometimes because I may already be suffering from dementia. I don't know. That's how I feel.

I'm very worried. I sometimes, there's all these people that say, I don't want to be a burden on my loved ones. I want to be a burden. Well it's the point of having kids otherwise. Exactly. I've worked hard my whole life and I think I've been good to my wife and my children. I want to be an amazing burden, a huge burden.

More pudding. Just constantly. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You have a little bell, no intercom. You don't use a cellphone. I get a big bell, dong, dong, Conan wants his pudding. Don't you think you've already kind of been a burden? I mean, isn't it like kind of nice at the end

to just be like, just put me somewhere and visit. Okay. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, yeah, I look, I think you're gonna be fine. You're as sharp as ever. Do you have, I have the thing now where if I can't come up with a name, I immediately think I've lost it. Yeah. And then I realized I was talking

to a neurologist just at a social event. And he said, no, it's just that we have way too much to remember now. And then it changed. We have to know like, who's the cast of the love boat? Right. But who was the bartender? But who played him? Okay. I mean, all that.

Well, we know all those answers. I know that that's the sad thing, but don't ask me about the U.S. constitution. Is it laying or laying would be that, but, but, um. That is the sad part. I have a counter to that. We have not had to remember a zillion things we've had to remember.

We don't have to remember anything right now because we have computers in our pockets. Right. You're right. Do you know, I don't know my, my live in partners phone number. I know it starts with nine, one, seven. I bet I can figure it out from there. Yeah. I mean, how, how many,

there could only be a handful of combinations after that. I don't know much about math, but I think I could get it in about four tries. That. I mean, the only way, if there, when the grid gets shut down by Russia or some kind of natural disaster or whatever, we're all going to have to just hope someone is

at the phone number of our, the house where we grew up at or our best friend at that time. Right. Because those are the only numbers I know and probably the same for everyone. I have had moments where I have misplaced my phone. I don't know where it is and I'm out in the world.

And it's shocking how little you know in your mind. I mean, I think, I don't know how to call just about anybody. You know, Sona, you've been with me for like 12, 13 years. You forget your own number. I don't know your number. I forget my number because I just have to, you know. You don't need to remember it.

Right. There's an Armenian flag and I punch it. Oh, is that how I'm saved in your phone? Yeah. Just an Armenian flag. Yeah. So you don't know any other Armenians? I don't even know your last name. Oh, okay.

I just know, but no, actually it goes to you or Cher. Oh. It goes to either one of you. If you had Cher's number and you didn't give it to me, we'd have a problem. Cher asked me not to give it to you. Oh, no. So let's just say that.

What's Cher's like real name? Cherlyn. Sarkeesian. That's her last name? Sarkeesian? Mm-hmm. Can't believe I never knew that. See? And now you do have something else to reveal.

The next time you're on a podcast, you know Cher's real name. You can tell people you know Cher's real name. Yeah. Yeah. So what do we do? How do we, I mean, you're much younger than I. I think you're hitting on all cylinders. I really do.

You look fantastic. Your brain is razor sharp. I think you should be worried about me. I'm worried you should worry about. I'm falling apart like an old tree. I'm always worried, oh. You were like the tree in the giving tree. Mm-hmm.

You're just a stump. And yet still you're like, you can use me as a chair. Isn't that how it goes? I think so. I can't remember. That's so sad. Right, but that's the way to think of me. I'm falling apart, but you can use me as a chair

at some point when I'm just a stump. That's funny that you called me a stump because my mother growing up would refer to me as a bold stump. She'd say you're a bold stump. And I never knew what that was. I think it's an old Irish thing, like a stump that was right in the middle of the farm in Ireland

that you had to kind of like pull out of the ground with ropes. Don't we have like computers in our pockets? I want to know what bold stump means. I've looked it up. I've tried. I've even asked Irish people. They don't know what I'm talking about, but.

I looked it up. Yeah, and what did you say? It's exactly what you described. In Irish terms, it says you can find a few examples, apparently meaning bold or a bold person. I don't know what the word. Oh, he's a bold stump. That's one.

Right. I know, but it was just so funny that I was. I mean, my mother grew up in the United States as did her mother and her parents. We had been around for a while, but she was still saying things like, Jesus, maybe in Joseph, you're a bold stump. Don't you be a bold stump?

And then I would go to school and my teachers were wearing dashikis and it's super cool, liberal. There's like a Malcolm X poster on the wall and we're all listening to free to be you and me and everything's groovy. And I've just been growing up in Victorian Ireland for some reason, just outside Boston.

My mother used to sing Danny Boy to me at night with a whispery Irish accent. Why? I don't know. I had to put me to sleep or sing me to sleep with her. That's a weird one. Yeah, well, she's a weird one. But you have no Irish.

There's no Irish blood. No, but she loved Ireland. It was her favorite place. And she married an Irishman, although he's from Scranton, Pennsylvania. I used to sing our children to sleep at night with Ava Nagyla. Oh my God, this is like the gift of the Magi Opal.

It is. My kids would be like, I don't want to go to bed. I'd be like, Ava Nagyla, Ava Nagyla. But then I would try and get them to be, I'd try to hoist them up in a chair. Yeah. I'm not sleepy. I'm not sleepy now.

I'd get them and my wife would come in and go, what are you doing? And I'd say it's a mitzvah. Oh. It got really, it got really bad. Man, it was a mess. But anyway, did you have a happy childhood? You've talked about how it really wasn't.

Do you think? I could absolutely paint a happy picture of a childhood that would also be true. I think everybody can make you cry with their miserable childhood and make you envious of your perfect childhood whilst not lying, you know? Yeah, we all have both flavors running through things.

And I attribute most of the, whatever unhappiness was, there's different reasons for it. But I remember thinking, yeah, my anxiety dial is way too high. It took me years to figure that out that not only was I anxious, but I think a lot of us were anxious in that house. And then mitigating it,

because it's, you can't control your own and then you can't control anyone else's and that affects yours, you know? One of the things that... Look, and if dad's ponies didn't come through, that wasn't my dad, but you know. That wasn't my dad either. My dad was in a laboratory,

like with a cyclotron looking at bacteria. But I loved to tell people that he was a drunk at the racetrack. Just because it's fun for me to paint that picture. That would think people would think I was cooler if you were constantly, like you showed up today for the podcast and were like, he went to the track

and he's deep in a hole and we can't get him out of there. You know, he really fucked up. Like, ooh, he's so like tortured. He's tortured and I'd come in and my clothes were all wrinkled and I have a lot of racing forms coming out of my pockets. And I'm like, God, God damn nag.

It really screwed me over in the final stretch. Do you have a hat? I have a crumpled hat. Yeah, with the tickets in it? I don't know. I think you're thinking of something else. There's like press people. Yeah, you're thinking of the old press people.

Hey, I'm with the press. Sorry, I'm my moth. What do you have a hat? In the 1930s, you could just wear a hat and write press on a card and stick it in your hat brim and get into any crime scene whatsoever. Hey, this is a, oh, sorry, sir.

You have a three by five card in your hat. Okay, here's my idea. I want to do something. They would totally infuriate people and I've been obsessed with this for a while, but I want to get a siren for my car. And every now and then, if I'm in a rush to get somewhere and there's a lot of traffic in LA,

I put the siren on the top of my car and woo, woo, woo, people get out of the way. But then eventually I pull up somewhere and people notice me just getting out of my car. And they're like, what the fuck? And I'd be like, hey man, celebrity. Like it's my celebrity siren. And it would make people so mad.

Can you imagine? But what? Woo, woo, clear out of the way. Woo, woo, celebrity. And they're like, well, not really. It's been a while since you were on the air. Yeah. And I'm like real entitled about it.

Just a bypass traffic? Woo, woo, everybody pull the side of the road. COVID's trying to get to Koi. Yeah. Oh my God. No, it's never something important. It's obvious. He's meeting David Spade at Koi.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, they just do. How do people honestly know that? Well, you know what I would do? I would also get a PA thing. Because I'd say, move aside. I'm meeting David Spade at Koi. We're going to talk about the late 80s.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. I would just love it. People would get so, so mad. Yeah. Then you'd be arrested for impersonating a police officer. I never wore the uniform. I never impersonated a police officer. But you got a thing.

You got a woo woo on your car. So what? That's impersonating. Maybe it's an ambulance one. Yeah. Well, that's okay. I've never heard of a law you can't impersonate an ambulance. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I'm with the forestry service. I'm here to cut dangerous brush. You don't know what my sirens for. By the time they figure it out, I'm long gone. They'll never catch me. They'll know it's you, though. Yeah, they'll just go to your house or...

Yeah, they move around a lot. I'm pretty shifty. You don't, not at all. You're not shifty at all. Pretty much know exactly where you are at any given time. Yeah. You know the right source. You were just at my house not too long ago.

Yeah. We don't need to get specific, but you were there and you had life to any party. You were a lot of... You do. You're always fun. People love to see you. It's always a good...

I mean, it was a good group. We had a good group together. Yeah. We had a good time. And then I made everyone go around the room and talk about their favorite qualities that I have. That didn't go well. I have been around...

I have been at parties where people have done that, where they're supposed to... It's anyone's birthday and everyone's supposed to go around and talk about what they love about that person. I always think, isn't this what Stalin made people do? Now you're done. Why am I a great leader, you know?

I could never do that, ever. Did you join in? Did you say something? At that party? At which party? That party where you're supposed to say something nice. Did you just say, well, pass? No, I'm not going to say that.

I said something nice. Oh, that's nice. Okay. Yeah, it wasn't that heartfelt. Now I'm sure there were a few little barbed jabs in there. Of course. Oh, I just understood what you're doing. Okay.

One thing I really love about you, Conny... Yes! Whoa, that took a while. God damn! So did you have anxiety, or would you call it depression when you were a kid? I had both. Well, no, I was like, things started out great.

Like, it may have been hard for my older sisters. My parents hated each other. But I was like, pretty much loving life as a kid. I was the youngest. I just... I had friends, you know, and then something just like... Well, I was a bed wetter, so sleeping at friends' houses was not good,

except for my three best friends. They were like twins and another third. But even then, I do remember I peed in my sleeping bag on Amy Martin's floor, and I just did not want her parents to get involved, you know? So I woke up a little early, but there was nothing I could do. And she knew I was a bed wetter. So I flipped the sleeping bag,

and then once she woke up, I go, I peed, but I peed up. You know, because the circle was like up. So you don't have to tell your mom, you know? Oh, my God. I just remembered that... That peed up. I don't understand. I know, it's not a very good lie, but amongst...

Peed on it, and then went back in? No, like, I just like... Like, it shot up, and so it... It didn't hit the rug at all or anything. Yeah, yeah, so you didn't have to tell your mom, because it's... I peed up. I like the circle. I made it so the circle was up. Yeah, yeah.

I get it now. Okay. I loved it. I hope you had to explain it this thoroughly at that time to everybody. You see, the liquid, the urine went up, not touching in contact with the floor or the rug. We all know that water or moisture never works its way down, so it stayed there for the evening. This is like, honestly, there are a lot of moments

for my childhood that Tim Robinson could use for, I think you could... Like, I could see him arguing that on, I think you could leave. No, I peed up. But I was a little bit happy, go lucky, and then, like, depression hit me. When I was...

I was just about 13. Yeah. To, like, 16. Horrible. And then I was better again for a while. Right. And this is the part, the eternal question is, did you need that period of time to be creative? Did you need that?

I've had every therapist in the world say, no, you don't need that. You didn't need it. No. And then there's some part of me that's always the self-inflicting part of me that's just thinking, no, your anxiety helped you or that depression helped you. And that's a bad, you know, that's a tricky thing to play with because you don't want anyone thinking I need this

because they don't need it. But then there's part of you that thinks maybe I did need it. I don't know if that's just Catholics that do that. I do think that it's a good thing to go, I'm the sum of all of my parts and all my experience have brought me to this place that is good. But I don't think it's, I don't think it's, I think it's bullshit.

I mean, when like comics are like, well, I don't want to get better because what if I'm not funny? Oh, but I'm not a good example of that because I'm not as funny as I used to be. I'm really not. But I've been a little too happy. I think maybe. Yeah. I'm going to go outside and smash your car

with a baseball bat. No, I'd be fine with it because it's just stuff. But exactly, I don't know. But I do think that, and also it is funny because I remember saying to my therapist once, I was single and I go, I mean, like, how am I going to find someone that's done this level of work on themselves?

And he just like sat politely and then I went, oh, most people don't need this level of work on themselves. And he was like, yeah. Wow. You know. Have you been seeing the same person for a long time? This guy I've seen for a while, but I've seen different people. Like, I remember.

Remember, do you remember? When I was your therapist. No, but we have mutual friends that also went to the same therapist because I'd see them in the waiting room. But Pamela Connolly, who was on Saturday Night Live one year, I didn't even realize it when I was seeing her,

she's married to Billy Connolly. She was that British woman. She was a shrink. Billy Connolly, the great Scottish comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Then she was like, I wrote a book about Billy. I want you to read it. And I was like.

This is in your therapy session? Yeah. I was like, I don't want to read a book. I don't know. Like. Well, to be fair, you hadn't ever read a book before. She just wanted you to read one. Yeah, but it wasn't like about my, it wasn't like what I pay.

It wasn't like a book, like a Pema Chodron book. It was like she wrote a book about her celebrity husband. Like, why do I need to read that? Well, here's the thing. I think it's, some people say when you're in therapy and some therapists believe you're not supposed to know anything about the therapist and their life. So the person I talk to,

I really know nothing about her life. I know nothing about it. And I just, because she has not revealed anything, I never say anything like, well, so I won't, I have a good holiday and I hope you have a good time with your family, question mark. They were killed in a fire. Yeah.

How does that make you feel? To know that about me and what you just brought up. But then I've, but in the course of my years of trying different people and different methods, I've had other people that tell me everything. And that's kind of weird, you know? I think there's a happy medium, but that is true.

Like when I was seeing this Pamela, I remember, I loved her. And I remember saying to friends like, I mean, she's like my best friend. I mean, I feel like she's like my best friend. And then like one session later, I asked her, do you have any kids? And she's like, I have five.

And I was like, oh, I don't know her. I pay her and she's not my friend. I'm a fucking, if she is, I'm an asshole. Right. I still think you can pay people and then they're still your friend like Sona. I've paid you to be my friend. That's true.

That's true. I mean, that's why this whole podcast exists. So you could have friends that you don't, you don't pay. Okay. You just said this whole podcast is a trick for me to finally get some friends that aren't in my employee. Right, exactly. There have been times in the past where I've had,

I mean, especially back in the late night days when I would have parties and look around and I employed everybody. Yeah. And I was having a really good time and then I realized, oh, maybe they think they have to be here. No, I don't, I don't think.

No, no, we're just to say something nice, but yeah. But yeah, I mean, I, you know, I... I think you get close to the people you work with. Some people don't. Like some people just work with people and go home and then that's it. But you actually, cause I think that you genuinely like the people you work with.

Right. No, I tried to say something sincere and it backfired horribly. You're so funny. I wanted to talk about this because people have all these preconceived notions about like New Hampshire, growing up in New Hampshire. Well, I just, hold on.

Can we just go back to Sonia for one second? Oh, sure. Okay. When she said that you have to pay people to be your friends. And that's what this podcast was. It got real silent. It did. And I was going to fill that space.

And I decided not to. Let's see where this goes. And now I can feel like her heart is beating faster cause she has like a guilt pain. I'm sweating so much. Yeah. I am. I'm sweating.

It's crazy. She's wearing this light purple sweater and I can see it just vibrating with a heartbeat. Yeah. It makes me, it made me uncomfortable when I said that thinking it was kind of a joke, but then no one laughs. So I'm like, is that, is that real? No.

It was uncomfortable. I wouldn't say she's sweating. And she's shaking like Amy Klobuchar's bangs during the presidential love. Well, no, it's okay. I mean, I welcome, I welcome truth here on the podcast. And maybe you- But it's not true.

She thought we were all gonna laugh. I mean, I just thought that that was like the whole con, like the whole conceit of this podcast. You said it. Sarah's getting $1,200 for being here. I'm sure. I mean, but just know. I mean, you're batting like 600.

That's really high, you know? That's pretty good. Yeah. I thought that that was what this whole podcast was about, but that's okay. Well, it sort of was, you know, kind of a jokey title, but then it became real in that I do like what is absolutely true is, you're an exception,

but there's a bunch of people because we've hung out and had real conversations. There are a bunch of people I really admire and have loved for years. And I had quick connections with them on a late night show in front of an audience with a band. And I never really got to talk to them. And this has been fantastic.

Because I get to do that. But you and I over the years have hung out. I mean, I think it was the last time you did the podcast. Yeah, that was our like awesome bonding day. It was a really nice happening, which is we were in New York and I was taping at Earwool Studios and you came over to do the podcast.

And then afterwards we're done. And it was just one of those things where I think it was winter time. I wanna say it was winter and it's kind of dark. And you said, yeah, okay, well. And then I said, so what do you do now? And you said, well, I gotta go. Were you doing the comedy seller?

No, it was like Gotham. And we were right near Gotham. And so I go, I have to be basically here in three hours so I'm just gonna like walk around. And you were like, you wanna get something to eat? Yeah. And then you're never supposed to reveal that you have nothing on your schedule.

That's the rule number one of being powerful. Oh, is that true? No, I'm kind of kidding. But I basically said, I've got nothing to do. Let's hang out together. And I said it just in that tone of voice. That's weird. Yeah, and then, but we ended up walking around.

We went to some. Gray dug. Yeah, what was that? There's like three of them. Yeah, it's like a chain. And it was very informal, like order at the counter, sit down. And then we were walking around.

And it was funny because people were acting like we were doing some kind of bit or something. We'd get stopped occasionally by people saying, Sarah, Conan, what's going on? Like, what are you shooting? No, we're just walking around. Right, like because they don't see the cameras when they're watching a bit on TV.

So they're probably like, oh, you're shooting a bit. Like, no, we're just walking down the street. There'd be, you see, like others around. We're digesting hot dogs right now, walking around. But it was really fun. It was really nice. And between the podcast and then walking around afterwards, I thought, that's not a job, you know, in a nice way.

What do you know? It's not, this is not a task I need to perform. This is just absolute fun. Was that the first time you two hung out, just the two of you as pals? I don't, I think. One-on-one, probably. Yeah, probably one-on-one, yeah.

Yeah, there was only some other around. Somebody. Harshing or a mellow. Well, that's kind of cool. It was nice, we were able to like, complain to each other and stuff. Yes. You know, I mean that.

I should have been wearing a wire because then we could have released that as Conan walks with the podcast guest after the podcast, secretly records it and we release that. That's more content. Secretly, it's kind of a dick move. Yeah. Yeah, total dick move.

Did you go to the comic book? It would be called dick move with Conan O'Brien. Oh my God, so good. That is good. All right, that's it for Conan O'Brien needs a friend coming up, dick move. I convince Sarah Silverman that I just want to go to Abom Pan and get a double shot almond milk latte,

but really, I badmouth people in the business and get her to confess that she hates them too. That's good. Abom, my mom, like we lived in New Hampshire, you know, like my mother would, we would go to Dunkin Donuts and she'd be like, I'd like a croissant. The girl would be like, what?

And I'd be like, mom. You're humiliating me. But she'd also say Abom Pan. Abom Pan. So where did that come from? Where did that come from with her? She wanted to show that she was kind of fancy and erudite, what was it?

Yeah, I mean, she knew, she spoke French. She went to, you know, she went to a high school, like St. Margaret's, you know, she went to like a Catholic school or something or some sort of Christian school and learned French. But she also, I remember when I was with Jimmy Kimmel, she was, he would have- You have to be specific,

because there's so many late night hosts named Jimmy. I know. That time I was with Jimmy, which one? No, it was Kimmel. But he, my mom had come to visit and he was having a, you know, he would have like the Christmas Eve, seven fishes thing. And then we're hanging out and they're singing,

everyone's singing Christmas carols and they're singing Jingle Bells. And my mom, you know, she's passed away. So now of course, like, I love every piece of her, but she drove me totally insane. And she just was driving me crazy. And I like whispered to him and I go, she's such a fucking know-it-all.

And just as I said that the song ended and she goes, I can sing it in French. It's like the most incredible time. You called it, she didn't disappoint. That's like a sitcom where they say, well, as long as no idiotic blowhard gets involved, we should be fine. Bang, Ted Knight comes through the door of Mary Gullamore.

Hello, yes, hello. But that's a perfect, that was perfect. Oh my God. I do know there are people who I know who are always insisting that the real pronunciation is something that it possibly couldn't be. I mean, it just couldn't be. So you'll say, like, let's go get a gelato.

And they'll be like, well, you know, it's gelato. And I'll be like, what? No, it's gelato. Actually, you know, this is the kind of thing Jordan Shansky would do who works for us. He'd say, actually, I'm sorry, it comes from the German derivation of the Italian. So it's gelato.

And you're like, no, it's not. And at a certain point, we all agree that it's not. Well, that's the thing is, at a certain point, it's just made more popular the wrong way, and that makes it the right way. Like, my mom insisted that, to say something is your forte, it's fort. And I believe her.

But no one in the world says it that way. So if you say, well, that's my fort, they'll go, what is it? You mean the built a fort? No, it's the correct way of saying what all you know as forte. My wife says tomato. And in her family, they just all say tomato. And I know that that's an old, of course, you say tomato,

I say tomato, but it's not tomato. It's just not. It's not anymore. I met a woman who said tomato, and I was just like, oh. Who said it? A woman that I know who, yeah, that worked with me for a short time. It sounds negative.

Hired her for a. She was a decorator. It was a short term contract. It's not like you let her go because she was saying tomato. But it was funny because she said, no, no, she said tomato. And it proved, in my mind, my point, which is that all interior designers are come from money.

Because who's a struggling interior? Nobody works their way up. There is no coming from nothing interior designer. You could put that crate over by that barrel, and it might create a flow, and then lay that pipe over there. And then you're right. They don't start out in an alley just arranging trash cans. I think these people are from old money that become this.

And then she goes, I like the tomato color. And I go, I'll look over at Rory when I tell you. But it could also be that is a Boston. My Nana said had a Boston accent. But she said, she had a weird, I don't know why I say it, but holla bread, she'd say, like, holly. Holly bread? Yeah.

She had that kind of scrappy Boston accent. But then she said, boss. But it wasn't like a rich person way. It was like a Boston boss. Instead of bath. Yeah. I'm going to take a boss. Yeah, I didn't know she thought I was saying

like she had a lisp and she was saying boss or something. No, no, no, but she is like mid-Atlantic. My mother, I swear to God, the only reason I'm in comedy is my mother always reminded me, and I love my mom, and she's the best. But she always reminded me of Margaret Dumont from the Marks Brothers movies. Oh.

The lady who's like, oh, well, please, Groucho. And it was, she always had a little bit of that. Now let's just all settle down here. Now I'd like to think we're the kind of family that knows how to respect itself and use the correct language. And of course, that made me want to go, wha, you know, and then behave like a complete idiot. And they took us once to a fancy restaurant,

and they put down the little bowls that you're supposed to wash your hands in. We never went to fancy restaurants. But there was some occasion, might have been my parents' anniversary, and they took us someplace downtown Boston that was kind of old fashioned, and they gave us little. And we all knew it was to dip your hands in to clean them. And there, I forget, I took my napkin.

I'm like 12, and I tuck it right into my shirt, and I take up my spoon, and I go, eh, soup's on. And I start slurping it. And my mother was like, would you please? That's for washing your hands. And I'm like, eh, you know, why? But if she had been not doing that, she was such a good straight person that I had to do it.

I always say babies. I'm sorry, there was more to that. Oh, no, I don't think there was. You just said so, hoping that more words would come to you. Sometimes I do that. It was me throwing it to you in a professional way, yeah. That was like a behind the back pass by, you know, Magic Johnson, you know?

That was just like a really cool thing I just did. I just went so, and I looked at you, and you're supposed to like grab it and like, yeah, take the rock to the hole and just, you know, wham! Oh, wow, you really know basketball terms. Pretty good sportster over here. Sportster. I was going to say something, but now I want to say this,

that my dream has always been, and now I think they don't play. The, the, um, what's the big American basketball team? They play the Washington Generals. Oh, the Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah, so I love the Harlem Globetrotters, but then as an adult, I thought, wouldn't it be great if I would go, if I went to Harlem Globetrotters games in like head to toe Washington Generals fan gear

and like the foil for the kids in the crowd, you know, like this is their year, you know, like really crazy. That's funny. But, and I looked into it and they don't, they like downsize, so they don't play the Washington Generals anymore, they just play like whatever local or something. Was the Washington Generals job to lose? Yeah.

They were employed to lose every game. And there must have been a time when they were just like, I know this is gonna, we're gonna get in big trouble, but let's beat the Harlem Globetrotters. That'd be amazing. Yeah, cause they, cause there are moments where the, I mean, I'm sure the Harlem Globetrotters are very good, but there are moments where they're busy filling a bucket

with confetti or, or stealing the ref's whistle when you can, you know, pull off some major plays and get ahead, build a good, comfortable lead. But that's not the point. Well, it should be the point. No, it's okay. Kids need to learn, kids need to learn that anyone can lose if they're busy stuffing a, a, a pail with confetti.

Yeah, or like throwing a fake basketball that comes back on a string. Yeah, cause it has a rubber band on it. Kids need to know that those kinds of shenanigans can lead to trouble. I don't know. It's like wrestling, right? You always have to choose someone who loses in wrestling.

Otherwise, what's the, I don't know. Yeah, what do they call, not the foil, but the, the loser. The heel, the heel. The heel, the heel, yeah, the heel. Or Stona's term words also, the loser. You know what? You should, when you run out of comics to do this show,

you never will, but. Never, there's too many. But there are some really interesting professional wrestlers, you know, like from that world. And it's, it's kind of adjacent. Like. But also we don't just talk to comedians. We, we talked to, I think primarily comedians.

Kings and queens. And comedians, kings and queens. And down on their, down on their lap royalty, like release royalty from very small countries. Like you got Harry and Megan. Oh no. Oh God, no. No, no. No.

This is from the duchy of Lithubania. Can we get wrestlers on? I think we should. Of course we could. Of course we could. Can we get a wrestler? We can have anybody we want on. Adam, can we have, we can have anyone we want on,

as long as they're an interesting interview. Adam told me I'm probably going to have Alzheimer's. Oh man. No, did you say that, Adam? Yep. Adam, get over here. Get on the mic. Why?

Adam Sacks, the genius, the boy genius behind all of this. That's a good podcast. Great Sacks. Great Sacks. Sacks. Oh, Sacks. That is his, that could be his podcast thing. Oh, I thought you said great Sacks.

That's the wacky thing about the name. Okay, go ahead. So we were having a little food before you got here. We were a little late. And it was not. Oh, a little jab there. I'm sorry, I got here, I know, well here's what happened today.

I was supposed to be here at one. We were all supposed to be here at one. You showed up at 12.30. This is what you were told because I was gonna, and then I realized it was gonna be really early, so I did an errand. But I came around 12.41. Because I believe if you aren't early,

if you're not 15 minutes early, you're 15 minutes late. In the theater, that's what you, anyway, go on. I got here at 104. Now that's still pretty good. I think for LA standards, four minutes late isn't really late. It's late. It is, it's past the time.

No, I don't think that's. It's past the time you're supposed to be here. You left the guest waiting. It was, I was having a good time. I am, I am, I am, I'm always punctual. But then I come upstairs and you're having a feast on all this free food. And then we proceed to goof around

and eat food for half an hour. What if she was, you know, King Charles? And then, you know, he's just sitting up here with us. I don't have to worry about that. Anyway, back to what you were saying, because that's the crux. You've established that I was a little bit late and for that, I apologize.

Oh no. I really enjoyed myself. I had a great time. So Sarah mentioned that she was having trouble hearing recently. I need hearing aids. How do you know, wait, did you have, have you had a professional tell you? Yeah, actually I was talking to someone at your party

and we had both just come from an audiologist, like not long ago, although he had just and I probably did about five months ago. Okay, so I have a couple of questions. You were told that you, well, you finished this. She said you would benefit from hearing aids, but let's wait a year, you know. So coincidentally, my mom texted me last night

that she was at an ENT because she's had some kind of cold that's lasting forever. And the ENT said that her hearing has decreased over time and that a leading cause for Alzheimer's is hearing loss that's not addressed. Like if you don't get hearing aids when you need them, your brain starts to lose the signals. I don't know the science.

Your brain starts to lose the signals that it's used to getting and that leads to dementia. And so I, my mom had literally just last night texted me this article, which I showed to Sarah, which she pointed out was probably paper by the hearing aid. I said, okay, I looked at the headline in the article and then I looked to see, is this the Washington Post?

Maybe it's the Wall Street Journal. And what was it? What was the article from? I'll find it, but I remember that the headline had a question mark at the end of it. It was ad.net, you know. It was like hearing loss, hearing aids company article. Can I ask you a question?

Did the audiologist, is the audiologist profit from selling you, you know, hearing aid? So what I'm saying is if you said, okay, thanks Dr. Ralph for this advice. Do you have a good hearing aid for me? I sure do. Ralph, these hearing aids. And then you suddenly realize that,

that they're just trying to upsell you a hearing aid. I have a hard time believing you need a hearing aid. I know. I mean, I'm not the usual age of like needing a hearing aid, but I've always had, I have like a combination of super hearing and I can't hear it all, like whole chunks of things. So like a lot I can't hear,

but if someone's like eating an apple a mile away or like trying to open something with a crinkly, someone's doing like this. Yeah. I can hear it and it makes me insane. I was getting very frustrated lately because when I watch TV with my kids and my wife, I'm always saying, what do you say?

I have something. What do you say? Why are you angry? They don't know and I'm telling you that's, it starts out, it started out a couple of years ago and I'd be like, I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. And then it just really does turn into, what do you say?

And then I read an article that they now mix, all these shows are mixed with such fancy equipment and they're adding such a tapestry of sounds that it is hard objectively for anybody to hear dialogue. I mean, your times where you're watching movies and it's very hard to tell what people are saying because there's so much happening on an audio, in the audio environment.

That makes sense because it's also like conflicting sounds, just like get everything gets lost. So I think you don't need hearing aids. I'm just saying that. I don't like this. Can you hear? Listen, I don't want any kind of aids, but. This was the other one.

Maybe it'll benefit her, I don't know. No, I don't want her getting. HealthyHearing.com. HealthyHearing.com. Hey, wait a minute. When we were doing the live podcast at the Beacon, one of the guys, we take questions from the audience at the end.

That's right. And someone stood up and said that he's an audiologist and he's in Brooklyn? Is that correct? Yes, that's right. And see my memory is holding together. And he said he would give me a free audio exam. And I said, I'll do it.

I think Sarah should come with me next time I'm in New York and we should both go there and see this guy and find out what our hearing is the situation is. I'm gonna be in New York a lot too. Let's do it. Because these audiologists, the ENT was a woman, this woman, this woman doctor, this doctor. There is such things as a woman doctor.

That was funny. Your funniest joke, he had a woman doctor. But the audiologists were these like two elderly men who were just like so excited because they recognized me and just constantly like, you could do this in your comedy. And I'm like, can you focus on like, if I'm raising my hand or not and hearing the tone?

Don't you love it when people say, now this is gonna be a comedy sketch? What? Me losing my hearing? Oh, maybe it is. I'm killing with it. Mr. O'Brien, this tumor is inoperable. Hey, this could be a comedy sketch.

Thanks, doctor. That got too dark for me. Yay, that was a little dark. Well, that's like the Al Franken. That's my oncologist. We never bring it up. He sings the whole song. Like he remembers the whole song.

I don't know if it even got on the air. I always love finding out from people. I'm more interested in what didn't get on the air than what got on the air most of the time. And I saw one and it was Bill Hader's like a country music star. He's got his band and at one point Bill looks over and he's looks at Fred Armisen

and Fred Armisen's wearing this big wig and outfit. I think he's the drummer and he goes and he's kind of smiling and Hader goes. I asked later on, I asked Fred why he was smiling at this moment and Fred said, because I knew I didn't have to put this makeup on again tonight because it's dress rehearsal. I don't have to put this wig on again.

Do they ever just stop and they're like, what's the point? They should. They should. I mean, why do you keep going? I don't know. They should do that on the live show. Lauren should just dress as a referee and go like, that's it, fly that snow.

Someone plays song music and we'll fuck it. We thought cats within Staphylitis family was funny. It's not. So fuck it. Like fuck it. Fuck it, just fuck it. I don't know. What are we gonna do?

Are we gonna walk around today for several hours before you play at a country music festival? That'd be so great, but I've gotta get my shit together to go on. Yeah, what are you doing now? Tell me. Going on a vacation. I haven't gone on a vacation in like 14 years.

Where are you going? We're just driving to Big Bear with our dogs. We got like a house on Airbnb or whatever, what have you. I've never been there. You and your fellow? I like your fellow, by the way. He's great. He's very funny too.

He is, he's very funny. A little too funny, you know what I mean? Just being uncomfortable. That's nice. Yeah. You're gonna have a good trip. We're gonna bring our dogs. What if I came with you guys and we just,

I recorded it all. Absolutely, of course. Dick move. But with Concomore. Very, very special installment of Dick move. Sarah Silverman hasn't had a real vacation for 14 years. I've been soon waiting myself. I'm here with President Obama,

who's also gonna be pitching ideas. This has been really fun. I love talking to you, you know that. Yeah, and I you. And I don't even know that, I can't even tell you what we talked about, but it's just effortless with you. And.

Until like the past minute or so, I just feel like, I don't know, I've got nothing. Well, that's terrible. You're never supposed to. Oh, right. You just telegraph that to the audience. Yeah. Never do that.

Never let the audience think they're getting anything less than a spectacular show. It's been amazing, Conan. I think the last minute's been the best part. Probably, yeah, it just laughs. Well, we can add those later. Is this for later? Wait, that's more evil than anything else.

Well, listen, I do consider you a good friend. Why aren't you looking at me in the eye when you say that? Because I don't really. Because I do consider you. Look at this, I'm looking right in the eye. And you know what, you who also have this problem with Kevin Neal and we don't look each other in the eye. But you're at the same height in everything.

I know, that's the tragedy of it all. Our eyeballs are at the exact same height. God, he's my favorite. Okay, that hurts. Second period, I'm tired. Well, you don't really stand. Oh, I guess, oh my God, it's just. No, I mean.

I don't know what I am, I guess. Oh God, hey, that helps you before. I know, but this is fun. You do do stand up, but you have to. I'm saying you do a whole stand up tour, of course. Please, please, please. No, no, I am not a true stand up. I know that, I don't, I think I'm.

You're more. You know what I am? A man that just lives by his wits. Wow. Whatever you project on to me, I become that. That would be good, a good like, not naked and afraid, but like just drop Conan somewhere and he has to just find his way.

Yeah, that was called the 60s, 70s and 80s. Oh. Yeah, didn't go too well. But that's not the point. The point is that we are good friends and I'm looking you right in the eye. Yeah, we're definitely friends. And your eyes look fantastic.

I see no sign of glaucoma. Oh, really? Yeah, I think your cones and rods are looking spectacular. Ooh. And I think your hearing's fine. Oh, can I ask you a question about sight? Sure. I'm the guy to ask.

This is what I do. Like, I've just been going when I get an email from the eyeglass store that I get my glasses from and then there's a doctor there and they're like, time to get a checkup. Like, I don't go to a, I don't know if he's an optometrist. He like has a glasses store.

Well, does he make you look through a device? Yes. And does he compare which E is sharper, which A is sharper, better, better, worse, worse, better, worse, then he's fitting you for, he's giving you a prescription. Okay. Is he doing all of it?

Is he checking your peripheral vision? Is he, you know, dilating your pupils? Think so. Okay. I check Sona's peripheral vision every day by trying to attack her. That's not. You know what?

You're still really good. I am. That's cause I get my peripheral vision checked by an actual optometrist. I used to go on the road with my friend, Mark Cohen, the other cocoa and he would drive and I would sit there and I would fall asleep. And then when I'd wake up,

he would notice that I was waking up. I don't know if you say this on the, how to say this, but he would close his right eye and act like he was sleeping. Oh, that's great. I would wake up and I'd be like, Mark! You're a lot of good ones. And then he had a good one.

Like if you have a cold, like go, like sniff. This is visual, right? But like sniffle, like you have a cold. Act like you're cold and towards him. It's just so quick. Like how do you do that that fast? That's like TIG when if you go to give her a high five, which for some reason I do fairly regularly,

she does like, go to give me a high five. Question? I would never try to give TIG a high five. I know, I go, why does this happen so much that I give, try to give her a high five, I don't know. No one gives off, don't give me a high five or be like, Tignotero, you know? That's true.

Just, I mean, the best, but she's just, yeah, don't even try. But don't you want to now knowing what she'll probably say? No, I'm going to, yeah. Their kids, their twins are obsessed with Rory, which makes me so happy, like, we'll get texts from them saying like, one of the kids was like,

oh, this is Rory's favorite team. You know, like, I guess there's, love it so much. But Rory is so good with them, like they came over one day and he just like, he just knew what they want. They're like six year old twin boys and they're so cool and there's such good kids. But like, you know, they're bouncing around and Rory walks in, hey, you guys want to drill holes

in some wood? Yes. I was like, I would be in for that too. That sounds fun. It does sound cool. We were wrapping it up. I'm sorry. Sarah Silverman, God bless you.

And thank you so much for being here. Always a joy. I love you. I love you too. And look, I'm looking at you. Oh my God, I was kidding. No, I do love you. I'm kidding.

I really do love you. Oh, I'm out. You need a fool out of me. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson

and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien

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