Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Scurvy Rag Doll

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

Conan talks to real estate agent Kevin from Dallas about disclosing murder houses, hosting a haunted open house, and how Conan would attract potential clients to his own real estate agency. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Kevin. Welcome to this. What's up, guys? So nice to meet you, Conan, Matt, Sona. Hey. Very nice to meet you, Kevin.

Tell us, your background's all blurry. Yes, for a reason. And your camera, your camera, I don't even want to know what's going on back there. Caleb, you're, doesn't, he's coming through in very vibrant colors. Yeah, it's very vibrant. It's Kevin, you called him Caleb. Oh, I'm sorry, Kevin, I apologize. Thinking of this, I dated an old whaling captain in high school. And you remind me of him.

I'm sorry, Kevin. Now, Kevin, where are you calling us from? I'm from Dallas, the FW area. Ah, Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Fort Worth. Specifically, I'm in Roy City. I'm about 40 minutes east of Dallas, but I grew up in Dallas. Okay, Well, I'm not planning an attack. So

Let's just say Dallas Yeah, I'm not trying to program a missile but You tell us a little bit about yourself Yeah, so obviously my name is Kevin not Caleb 29 I was gonna let that go but again You remind me of an old 29 years old. Okay, I was gonna let that go, but again, you remind me of an old, wailing Kevin. Okay.

First time I heard that. No, but yeah, my name is Kevin, I'm 29 years old. I am a real estate agent in Dallas. Married, just turned two years of my wife, have a dog, no kids yet. Hopefully soon, we're planning that. But yeah, it's a little bit about myself. Okay, I'm not a police officer that just pulled you over.

But it's still, it's nice to know all that information. So you got married when you were 27, is that correct? Yes. That's a good age. And how'd you meet your wife? How'd you guys hook up, as the kids said? So I met her, I met her through mutual friends, through the social media. I saw her through mutual friends, through the social media.

I saw her one time on my feed. Followed her, she did not follow back. I unfollowed her, saw her again a few months later, and I was like, you're that girl that didn't follow back. And then she followed me afterwards, and then little by little, eventually went on a date, and then the rest is is history as they say. Yeah.

I wouldn't say it's history. I mean, we'll see. That's really making a huge claim. But we'll see. Right, right, right. We'll see what the historians write. I followed my wife and this was before the internet. Yeah, she said stop following me.

Yeah. It got awkward. And then she started following you. Yeah, yeah. Just to get my information for the police. So you are in real estate, the old real estate game, eh? Correct. I know you have a joke where I believe you said you

didn't want your kids to know exactly what you did. I think you said that you wanted them to think you were a successful realtor. I don't know if that was a joke of yours or not, but I thought that was hilarious, because I could relate. Yeah, I just chose a profession because I thought, well, when my kids were young, I didn't want them to know I was in show business because I thought I wanted them

to respect their father. So, yeah. But I have respect for realtors. I've dealt with realtors. You guys do, you men and women do a great service. I'll say that. I mean, yeah, it's not the easiest thing in the world, obviously, there's a lot that we do,

and a lot of stuff that people don't see that we do. A lot of people just see that we post, you know, our closing pictures that we got paid, but they don't see how complicated a specific deal was or wasn't, obviously. Well, I watch Selling Me OC, and also Selling Sunset, so I know how much hair and makeup you guys have to go into and he have to work for those annoying-

That's why I don't watch those shows. You have to work for those annoying little twins and I just know how hard it is. Now you all have sex with each other. I know what it's like. You're shot in the beautiful golden light. Right, right, right. No, but how's the market these days in Dallas?

So obviously the interest rates really suck right now. I think if you have a very good credit score, you're still getting a seven to seven and a half percent rate, which is not very good. But again, it's all, you're missing context, right? I believe back in the 80s, I wasn't born obviously, but I was told rates were like at 18%. But then again, obviously like five years ago

or four years ago during the pandemic, they were at 3%. And now they're slowly but surely rising. And it just, it is what it is. That's what the market is right now. But people are still buying. Again, I live in Dallas. I live in Texas, the great state of Texas. And real estate is somewhat affordable,

at least compared to New York or California. So people are still buying and selling. If you live in Texas, are you legally required to say the great state of Texas? Because I'm from Massachusetts, and no one ever fucking said, well, we're from the great state of Massachusetts, the comb of the cod and the bean. You know, funny thing is that I was born in California,

in Pasadena specifically. Hey! One of the Dinas, right, Sona and Matt? Dinas! Dinas! Yep, that's exciting. Yep, that's where I was born. Okay, so you were born there, but then you went to the great state of Texas.

The great state of Texas when I was two, because again, it was just more affordable for my family. Sure, yeah. I'm a Texan, my joke is that I drive a truck out of Tesla and I just love being here, but California is the place to be or the place to visit for sure. I enjoy going back.

Yeah. Well, I got no beef with Texas. I've enjoyed, well, I think I've been to, I've done shows. I've done shows in- In Dallas. In Dallas. And thoroughly enjoyed the people

and had a great time. And is it, you know, if you're a realtor, and this is the question I have, what do you have to say about a house before you show it? I'm a murder fanatic, and I've always heard that if there's a murder in a home, you have to reveal that up front. Is that true? Yeah, so I was expecting you to ask me this question

So I pulled up the actual wording just so I don't mess it up. But the wording is You have no duty to disclose information related to whether the property has been the site of a death by natural causes suicide or accident unrelated to the condition of the property Wait a minute, now. I literally live, on my street was a murder house, but I think it was a manslaughter house. Do you have to disclose that?

Did you find out through the neighbors or through what's called a Sunder's disclosure? Oh, I did, I did the manslaughter. Yeah, he was the one that committed, he committed the crime. Okay. He just, yeah. You don't have to disclose that anymore, Matt.

Keep that to yourself. No, I found out through neighbors that that was the crime. Okay. You don't have to disclose that anymore, Matt. Keep that to yourself. No, I found out through neighbors that that was the case. And it was very much like that documentary, The Staircase, have you guys seen that? Yes. Yeah, it's similar. But see, okay, this brings up an interesting question. So suicide, I mean, it's creepy,

but I guess you don't have to report it. When you say a death that was not related to the condition of the house, so if someone slipped on a defective stair and fell down, do you have to report that? Yes, or if a piece of sheetrock falls from the ceiling and it hits your head and it kills you, it's a defect of the house,

therefore you have to disclose it. But then when you say disclose it, is it like, you know when a prostitute asks you if you're a cop and you can't say you're not a cop? Like, do you have to wait for them to ask you if someone was murdered? Or do you go right up front and you're like, is someone murdered? Can I say something? No prostitute has ever asked me if I'm a cop. That's a TV thing, that's why.

Yeah. Is it not true? It's not a real thing. Every prostitute that I've dealt with and I'm not I'm say sex worker So I think that's the better term. Okay, sorry No, you're so progressive. Well, I am okay. It's a profession and the oldest profession. Yeah Well next to gravedigger I'm gonna say anyway Yeah, they never bring that up you reek of cop you do. Yeah. Yeah. No, they always just say Oh, you look like that guy on TV, the real needy guy.

Oh yeah. And then I say, Hey, what's, what are we gonna do with this deal or not? And then I start crying and then they just walk away. No, Sonitz, to answer your question, my rule of thumb is disclose everything, worry about nothing because you can get sued in real estate, obviously.

So my thing is what's happened go ahead and just disclose it if we're required to. Have you ever sold a murder house? No I have not however I did in my opinion I hosted an open house that was haunted. And let me explain. I walked into the house. It was a very nice neighborhood. I walked in and I felt kind of weird a little bit. I can't explain it, but it just felt very weird. Something felt off. Very off. It was a little chilly too. I don't know if the AC was on blast. I don't remember.

But the point is, I showed up, I started turning on all the lights, and this specific house had an upstairs game room. So I go upstairs, and as I'm walking up, I see that they have a couch all the way towards the very end, and there's a, like, a five-foot rag doll just laying there on the couch. And I was like, yeah, I'm not going up there. So I didn't turn on that light. This sounds like a sitcom plot where the kids don't want to sell the house or they're trying to make it seem haunted. Yeah. Or a horror movie where that doll comes to life. Exactly. I think it's the latter.

I think you wouldn't have felt those vibes. If it was a rom-com or a sitcom, you wouldn't have felt those vibes. It's that doll, right? Yes, it's that doll. I'm telling you, it was a creepy doll. Did you notice that when you came downstairs and you went into the kitchen, the doll was there right? Yes, it's that doll. I'm telling you, it's a creepy doll. Did you notice that when you came downstairs and you went into the kitchen, the doll was there too?

Ah, no. Did you notice that? I was making you breakfast. When I went back upstairs, I wasn't there anymore. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah, yeah. You do it at fight fights. But it was pretty creepy.

I'm not gonna finish that question. It's a sex rag doll. Okay, all right. I started it and then I stopped it. Yeah. The sex rag doll has to ask you if you're a cop. Hey, before we get started, you a cop? Yes, I am, and this is not illegal. So let's do this, okay?

Second, you mind washing me? I need about three go-arounds on the washing machine, because you're the ninth guy here today. No. Oh. Well, I'm sorry. I've dealt with sex rag dolls. Oh. It's a mess.

Where'd you find them? It's just not, there's no reason they use plastics. Oh. Fucking yarn. Oh. It's a mess. It's erotic at first, and then you're like, oh my God, how are we cleaning this up?

Oh. Okay. Um. Oh. I'm just. Is it? Yes. It's erotic at first, and then you're like, oh my God, how are we cleaning this up? Um... Um... I'm just... Is it... Oh, what's that term? Is it hard? Is the yarn... Oh, shut up. That's gross. You mean like crusted solid? No, no, no. Can I say something?

I thought I took it right up to the appropriate place, and then you turned it into something disgusting. And you were just a second ago like, I'm not gonna say ragdoll, but then you come in and it's just ossified with jizz. Okay, let's take it easy Well anyway, I think you were right You were right getting out of that house Before your passion before your passions overcame you That's why I would have left. I would have been like, I gotta get out of here before,

I mean, cause man, nothing gets me going like a five foot two rag doll. I love that it's not quite tall, but it's not like baby size. No, it's my shoe. It's just a shorter person. Yeah, it's a rag doll that- Why was it bigger than two feet? I don't understand.

Yeah, it's a rag doll that, you know, didn't get enough milk, it's a rag doll that, uh, you know, didn't get prop enough milk. Not enough nutrition. And then, uh, two packs a day. It's just like a scurvy child from the 1700s. My old scurvy rag doll. Oh, man, that gets me going. I'm so hot and bothered right now.

So, where is this doll now? No! No, no. Well, you could mail it to me. I'm writing down Skirvy Ragdoll as the title of this episode. Skirvy Ragdoll. I can probably hunt down the sellers, even though that was about four years ago.

Yeah, just say I'll pay any price. Deep pockets over here. Conan O'Brien demands that ragdoll. Must have it. He jealously wants it. So you mentioned your wife, what does your wife do? She used to work in the dental office, but now she has quit and she's pursuing her dreams

to be a content creator on social media. So I guess she's unemployed, but self-employed. She's doing that and she's also a makeup artist. What aspect is she working on? What's her specialty? I would say, maybe I'm not saying the correct term, but in the beauty field. So she'll post stuff about, I don't know, some new hair product, she'll record a video,

post it and obviously, no different brand see, and they begin sending her products to obviously. No, if you do it right, it's apparently quite lucrative. Works out well. Right. Yeah, absolutely. That's what she does.

And you say, maybe kids in the future? Yeah, so again, I'm about to be 30, and my wife's also gonna be 30, even though she's about six months younger, but time's ticking, and I think more than anything- Yeah, 30 Yeah 30. Wow. Well no more than anything my parents are getting older. I just had a child. Yeah you're like a newborn and you're talking to a skeleton they just found. That's offended. I'm not offended I'm just telling you you're you're right. You're a child. Do it now. I'm exhausted. Do I have the energy.

I can wait, but my parents are getting older and it's like, I want my parents to still play with my kids, so that's what I meant by time is. Well, I know just the baby gift to send you when that time comes. A scurvy rag doll. Scurvy rag doll headed your way. That'll get us going.

Spice things up in the bedroom. Scurvy ragdoll. Wait till I tell my wife after we hang up on this call. I just want to do the commercial for scurvy ragdoll. Scurvy ragdoll, get yours today. Tired of being alone? You don't have to be. Scurvy ragdoll, this rag today. Tired of being alone? You don't have to be. Scurvy ragdoll, this ragdoll's been at sea for six months. Without any vitamin C. Stunted growth, but really a tiger in the bedroom. Only been washed twice in ten years.

Starved of oranges and sexual attention for six months at a time. This doll will go mad on you! Oh, man. Jesus. What happened here? You're a nice fellow, Kevin. You're in real estate. You're in Dallas, Texas, and then this happened.

And I don't know. I just feel... I'm sorry. I feel terrible. Do you have a question for me? I'm here for the show. Do you have a question for me that I can answer? Yeah, I do actually. So obviously as a Realtree, you have to host open houses. And different people do different things.

Have cookies for guests and whatnot. But if you were a real estate agent, what would you do at your open house in order to bring in potential clients? I think saying a celebrity is going to be there. You know what I mean? It's just what, I mean, that's how you get people into casinos. That's how you get people into any kind of venue is I would use my connections in my

business, my friendships, and I would say, yeah, come to this open house, you know, whatever. Well, I thought you were the celebrity. No, I would say, yeah, come to this open house, you know, whatever. I thought you were the celebrity. No, I would do it. I just don't know that that would be a big enough draw. Could it be like a casino, so like Matchbox 20 would just be playing? I'd say, you know, it's a wonderful, it's a, it's a, it's a... I love Matchbox 20.

Yeah, who doesn't? The sunken living room, three bedroom, four bath, and Matchbox 20 will be playing for two hours. No, make it four hours. They'll do as they're told. You know? And then, yeah. Four hours, but the open house is only two hours. So for two hours, they're just like free. Alone, they're getting, they're tuning up. And no one shows up.

They're playing while I pour out lemonade and put out cookies. Yeah, I would say celebrities. I would get, I would pack, I would get as many celebrities in my open houses as possible. I would advertise it. Must be nice. And I would say you get a picture with a celebrity. And yeah, I would just make it a celebrity

fun-filled event. Okay. And I would move a lot of product that way. I'd be selling houses that are just shit, just awful houses. Houses with- What if nobody shows up? What do you, oh, you don't think anyone's gonna show up when I tell them that Cliff Claven from Cheers is there?

I don't think so. You're gonna be like, who's that? Oh, yeah, Kevin, who's that? Only one of the iconic characters of all time. Names John Ratzenberger. When they hear Ratzenberger's in town, you're gonna have to just take the hinges off the doors because they'll smash it over.

Anyway, that's my idea. Sounds like it'll be a successful open house. And you know what? If you want my help booking it, I'll do it. I'll get you the same person, Paula Davis, who books the podcast. I'll have her book your open houses. Once she tells celebrities that they have to be at a ranch style home in the Fort Worth area for four hours while Matchbox 20 plays in the background,

they'll be beating a path to your door. Thank God, there's a house I'm selling at the moment and I can't sell it. Well, when you just leave it up to me and Matchbox20 and John Ratz and Berger, who played Cliff Claven on Cheers. All right. Well, it was very nice talking to you, Kevin. Likewise. I wish you all the best.

You seem like a nice guy. My best to your wife. We didn't get to meet her. Appreciate it. But we will next time. Absolutely. Very nice talking to you. Thanks, guys. You guys have a great day. See you, Kevin. See you, too guys. You guys have a great day.

Thanks, Kevin. Thanks, Kevin. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vovino take it away Jimmy our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer samples engineering by Eduardo Perez additional production support by Mars Melnick talent booking by Paula Davis Gina Bautista and Brit Khan you can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847

and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.