Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Sean Hayes

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Actor and producer Sean Hayes feels indifferent about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Sean sits down with Conan to talk about choosing acting over becoming a concert pianist, dangerous childhood games, and his podcast SmartLess with Jason Bateman and Will Arnett. Plus, Conan decides what kind of uncle he wants to be on another Review the Reviewers. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Sean Hayes, and I feel indifferent about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Okay, that is a body blow. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, my podcast. And I should say our podcast, it really is a group effort with one person doing most of the work. Oh, okay. Oh, thank you. No, no, no.

I'm so nicely done. Yes. No, having a blast again, and I have to say the podcast has been a special treat. There's something about keeping our little group alive. It's like we're in a little lifeboat together. We are. Floating through a sea of, well, I don't want to say COVID, but... Oh, God.

No, no, no, not at that. Yeah. We're not alone in isolation, but we're together. We're also connected. Well, Sona, you're here in the studio with me. I am, yeah. It's nice to see you. Thank you.

Well, we both get tested every week. We're at the theater together when we tape the show. So, yeah. Yeah, we're being very responsible. And, of course, Matt Gorley, not with us, probably more of a germaphobe. Yeah, why don't you want to be here with us? Yeah, why don't you want to be with us? You are in your home right now.

Is that right, Gorley? Yeah, it's not a germ thing. Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. He doesn't want to put on pants. Yeah, he doesn't want to put on pants. Yeah, you're not...

What are you wearing today? You're wearing pajama bottoms. Well, I'm dressed from the top up, and then, yeah, I have pajama bottoms. Wow, look at that. I love... Let's see. Those are great 1950s pajama bottoms. I know.

Amanda calls them my dirty Johns, because they look like hospital scrubs. No, you really do look like Eisenhower recovering from his second heart attack. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Yeah, it'll be the last nice thing I ever say, but no, you're at home, and I could tell... I don't think it's happening right now, but a second ago, just as we came on the air, if anyone heard a strange sound in the background, it was something like a leaf blower right outside your house. It's almost...

Yeah, it seems to happen any time we record. It's like a Murphy's Law that leaf blower comes in. Yeah, I despise leaf blowers. What? They just seem like it's this giant machine that's job... It seems like it uses a lot of gasoline and makes a ton of noise, and it just shoots leaves all over the place. I don't know.

I feel like there's a better way. I wish I had a leaf blower. I've got an electric leaf blower, and you can't hear it as much. Who makes an electric leaf blower? DeWalt. Oh, DeWalt. They make great tools. Yeah.

This is a fascinating conversation. Well, I'm just saying, if you're the people at DeWalt, you're like, I can't believe we're not even paying for this. No, an electric leaf blower seems like the way to go. Yeah. And if you're listening, DeWalt, I want one of those little cordless hand routers. What is that? It's just that you can make edges on woods and stuff like that.

Uh-huh. Edges on woods. No, I don't want this... What? I do not want this podcast to be a place of commerce or business. We do this out of love. We don't do this to raise money. You love talking about State Farm all the time.

I think what State Farm has so many, they have so many more reps than you think they do. They really do. Throw a stick in any direction and you'll hit seven State Farm reps. The coverage is unbelievable. And you know what? No idea if I'm getting paid or not. No idea.

But you say DeWalt makes a nice leaf blower. Every tool I have is DeWalt. My garage looks like a black and yellow bumblebee hive of power tools. It's heaven. No, you're a guy that likes to get out there and use power tools because I cannot say I am. I am not someone who uses power tools. What?

Sorry. Oh, that's a good one, Sona. Huh? Okay. I feel like Matt can build anything. You are a talented builder. I've seen some of the things that you've built. You've built some lanterns.

You've built some things around the house. You do have talents that don't come forth on the podcast because we can't see them. You know what I mean? Yeah. If you listen to the podcast, you're like, oh, what's with him? And I'm like, no, no, no, no, he makes really good bird houses. That's why you keep me on the podcast. You're a good builder.

You're a real good builder, man. No, I've never built a bird house, but I was going to build one for my wife and I don't even want to tell you what it was going to be like. Tell us. It was going to be that Van Damme house from North by Northwest. You know that famous cantilevered house? Yes. Yeah.

Is that a real house? No, it was just made for the movie. It's a model. It's the foundation of the house that Carrie Grant has to break into in order to try and save, help me, not Piper Laurie, Eva Marie St. has crazy, a bird house in that shape. So the bird, but they're like, it's cantilevered. So it would have the little ledge that the bird could sit on and pick at the seed. The things I've accomplished during this quarantine are I built a 1917 SUP with Camel from an

old kit and I built a Lego Land Rover. Oh, and I talked to my children's son. That's an accomplishment during COVID. In that order. Okay. Yeah. That's good. I didn't do anything about it.

Sort of met my son. Oh my God. I was talking to my daughter and she went, what about my brother? And I'm just like, oh, okay, I should meet him. I met him. Yeah. I'm in show business. I'm one of those, you know, cold fathers.

It turns it on for the camera. And then once the camera's off, I'm just this cold creep. Yeah. We know. Oh, God quiet. I watched a lot of shows. I have two. What are you watching these days?

Cobra Kai, which I love. Oh, me too. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. You know what else I started watching was Selling Sunset. Oh, God. I started watching Selling Sunset and oh my God.

Of all the reality shows, that is the fakest. Yeah. I can't believe how fake that is. It's about them selling real estate. Yes. And the two guys that run the company, the Oppenheimer twins, will come into a room and say, they come into a room and say, well, ladies, I know we all get along and you're your own thickest thieves and the best of friends.

We're introducing a new girl into the equation. And they'll cut to one woman, Christine or whatever and she'll be like, and they'll say, I hope you all get along. I'd hate there for there to be any friction. They leave the room and they're all like, Christine, you better be nice when she's like, well, you know me, I'm a bitch. That's what I am. So let's see this new girl.

Then Crissel walks in. Crissel? Is that real? Yeah. Yeah. Crissel, her name was made of two other girls' names that crashed into each other. And they're like, oh, hi, Crissel. And she's like, hi, everybody.

I come from very modest means, but I hope to do a good job. Cut to the mean one. Look at those shoes. Who does she think she is? And you're off to the races. There's not a real human moment in the whole thing. But you watch all of it. Oh, I'm watching it.

And my wife is saying, oh my god, I can't believe Christine got mad at Crissel. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah. So our marriage is over. Oh, OK. I didn't expect coming. Yeah. No, I mean, I can't.

She's going to be that easily duped. I can't be with her. Oh. So it's over with Liza. And now I'm dating Crissel. Oh my god. Yeah. We're keeping it on the down low.

We're not telling a lot of people. You know, Liza gets me in the divorce. So. You always say that. Yeah. So I'm just. My favorite line of yours, as you said once, Liza's the only part of you I like. Yep.

Yep. Yep. You know. I've been watching some garbage. Me too. Oh, and I love it. Skin wars. What?

What's skin wars? It's an old, like, reality competition show, but of body painting. Oh, do you see a lot of nude bodies? Pasty covered nude bodies, yeah. Oh my god. What's wrong with that? Hey, what's wrong with a pasty nude body? I mean, they're pasties on the nipples.

Pasties. Like the pasta. Oh, I thought you were, I thought you were shaming people that have pasty nude bodies and I was going to, I was going to take you to court. The first question he asked, are they nude? I know. Is there any nudity? I hate to see boobies.

Will there be boobies? Side boob leading to front boob. I asked that when I go to any museum. What? The first thing I do when I check in is they say, you know, you have to pay for your ticket and I go, will I see any nude bodies? Oh, god. And they'll be like, well, I mean, I suppose there's a couple of paintings where there's

some nudity. Will I see boobies? I guess. There's a Raphael. There's a Michelangelo that has some. There's a creep alert. They threw me out of the Vatican because I was looking up at the Sistine Chapel shouting. Various nudities.

And I was sort of clawing at the air like if I could only reach it. Literally a good 85 feet still away. I'm like, oh, to touch the sapple nudes. This is why I don't come into the studio. I stay at home. Yes. Nicely done. Very smart.

You'll never, we'll be 10 years past COVID. Yeah. Just good service. Just don't, don't think it's safe yet. Oh my god. Don't think it's safe. Okay. Well, we cannot waste any more time because we have, not that we've wasted time.

I think any exchanges with either of you are true gold. But we got to talk to our guest, my guest today, a very talented actor and producer who starred as Jack McFarland for 11 seasons on the hit NBC series, Will and Grace. He also co-hosts a new podcast along with Jason Bateman and sadly Will Arnett. Someone had to take him. No, seriously, it is a very, very funny show. I did it and it was a blast and it's called smart less and new episodes drop every Monday and it really is a good time.

I'm very excited. He's with us today. One quick note at one point during our interview, this gentleman had to switch computers. He was having difficulty with one. He switched to another one. So there's going to be some audio change there. Come on, man. It's quarantine.

We're all getting by the best we can. And so I don't want to hear any complaints from you, Sonic Snobbs. Anyway, Sean Hayes, welcome. How dare you? How dare you, sir? I've already wasted a half an hour on technical problems. Yes. Well, you know, we, I was told to be here right on time and I was.

And then I watch you fail to work your audio for a half hour. And I've never been, this is the angriest I've been in my entire career. Yeah, no, I can sense it. And I actually fail to watch you work on your core for a while. No, but no, but I feel, I feel excited about being Conan O'Brien. That's what I feel. Okay, okay, okay. So we're going to.

We're rolling, right? And you know, I have a heart out in 10, right? What are you drinking there? You've got some kind of liquid. What is that? I'll give you, I'll give you one guess. I can't figure it out. It says giant.

I've never seen larger font for any product. It says water all over the side, like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I know, right? You, um, you, you are. Oh, I thought this was a game where you, we do every other word. Oh, God, what? You are the best. No, that was too many.

You already lost. That's two words. Oh God. Okay. You want to do it again? Yeah, let's try it. You are the best person I've ever known named Sean. No.

It's supposed to be Conan at the end. Oh, sorry. That was a horrible game. Anyone listening right now is thinking, I could get into comedy. You know, I want to start by complimenting you, which is, um. You really want to use the whole time on that? I'm going to spend the whole time complimenting you. No, uh, you're one of the quickest, uh, you're one of the quickest and funniest people I know.

No, no, let me get this out because there's more and it gets bad really fast. Um, you're cruel. You're arbitrary. Uh, see, there was a lot of bad stuff coming that I wanted to get in. I just want to get this in, which is that I do know you out, you know, we, we have been friendly and we have gone out, uh, and, and dined together, broken bread, uh, Liza came along, Scotty came along, and we had a really good time. And what I remember afterwards is driving home and realizing that you and I were doing

five bits a second. And, and I was thinking, Scotty in the restaurant loved us. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh my God. They were like, please keep saying that only louder. But I realized that you're one of those people who I can't, I can't stop. I don't think you can stop.

And I, I really do believe that if someone had come in and given me tragic news, I'd have been like, huh, huh, huh, huh, anyway. Wait, do you ever do that? Do you ever get like, do you ever get bad news and just start laughing because it makes you not so uncomfortable? If it's about someone else's life. Yeah. If it's happened to someone else, I just can't stop laughing.

My mom had cancer when she was two. Wait, that's not funny at all. That's not funny. When she was two years old, she had cancer. She had her eye removed. Okay. And that's very, very sad. But my mom was so effing funny.

So she had a fake eye her whole life, like Sandy Duncan, right? Right. And we used to do the craziest shit with her extra eye in front of her. And we always used to make fun of her to her face. And she would laugh hysterically. And that's what I mean is like taking somebody's, you know, pain and making it funny because they wanted that. Like my mom lived for us making fun of her.

Right. So she, let me get this straight. She had an extra eye. She had the eye. She didn't have three eyes. She had two eyes. Right. Period.

She had an eye. But you said we would pick up the extra. Oh, sorry. Or extra eye. She had an extra eye in a box, in her jewelry box upstairs in her bedroom. And on Halloween or any night, really, we would have friends come over and knock on the door. And there was a chain on our door.

And we'd have the fake eye, the glass eye in our hand. And we'd open the door just enough for the chain to open it. And we'd stick our hand through the chain and go, who's there? Now the eye move around. Yeah, had the eye move around. That was cool with that. She loved it. She loved it.

And sometimes we'd let it roll on the floor and the dog would play with it. No, but then she has to put that in her eye socket. That's not sanitary. Yeah. That's terrible. That's sanitary. Yeah. But no, she would clean it before she put it in her eye socket.

Did you, I mean, that's one of those things that exposure to that early on, you make a decision, you either decide, I'm going to block this memory out and only uncover it later on, or I'm going to be funny about it. Those are your two choices. Yeah, for sure. I mean, we got a new puppy and I give him choices like that every day. That's what I expose him to as many things as possible. That's good.

You want the dog to be funny. I always say people get obsessed with, will my dog shit in the house or will the dog respect not getting up on the sofa? And I think that can weight that stuff. Right. Or masturbation. You're going to end up masturbating in front of a pet of some kind. Yes.

So it's best they get used to it early on. No, I do that before I picked the pet. When they're all in their cages, I walk around doing it and whichever one is sort of seems like okay with it, I'm like, I'll take that one, you know? What about the people that worked there? Oh, please. They know the deal. They know the deal when they got into the business.

That's how you met Liza. You just did it in front of a bunch of people. I did it up a bunch of people. Yeah, exactly. I was, I went to a lot of pet stores and then there was one where this lovely lady said, look, you know, I can live with that. And I said, will you marry me? And then she said, well, put that away and let's get started.

We'll talk. And we'll talk. But I won't have that part. You are so fast. And I was thinking that in that dinner, even as we were walking to the cars in the parking lot, it's still going. I just thought afterwards I was laughing on the way home and then my wife was just like, yep.

Well, you two found each other. You two idiots. Also, Scotty and Liza found each other. A support group for people that don't can't deal with their spouses that can't stop. Scotty was doing a really funny thing at that dinner, which is you and Liza were sitting on one side of the table and Scotty and I were sitting on the other side of the table and he has, I hope this is okay to reveal, he had diabetes. Is that what you're going to say?

Yeah. He has diabetes. And so I didn't know this, but I just went to pat him on the shoulder like they're their old friend and he has a thing on his back, I guess, that regulates. We call it the pot of life. Yes. Yes. It regulates insulin and it's this little thing that you'd never notice.

It's under his shirt, but I pat him on the back and I felt this plastic thing on his back and I, I instinctively started going, oh my God, like, oh, I'm sorry. And he immediately collapsed dead on this. And then later on in the same evening, I forgot and I'm like, oh yeah, that's right. And I put my hand on it and he again, without, it instantly collapsed. And you literally just described our sex life. So when you're ready for it to be over, you just, you know, you hit the diabetes. Put my hand on it and we both fall asleep.

Wait, why do you fall asleep? I don't understand that. Because I feel bad. Okay. All right. When you're filled with shame, you feel bad. We do have a lot in common. I really believe that.

We're both incredibly talented. Conan, stop. No, we're both, I'm not allowed to do that. You should have more things with your name on them. I know. I know. I put the Conan logo on my son's forehead. It's like the Mike Tyson tattoo.

You all, you branded him. I branded him. Yeah. I said, look, you're out in the world. That's advertising. And he gets beaten regularly by the other kids. And you put horses on the bottom of his feet. So you can hear him coming in the middle of the night.

Son, you're going to wear these horseshoes. So that when you do try to kill me in the middle of the night for branding Conan on your forehead, I'll hear you coming. I'm going to hear you coming. Just this normal family stuff. You come from a big family, as do I. I think we both have some, five kids in your family. There was six in mine.

There was six in ours, but we gave them to yours. No. Now we're in 11, there's 11 kids in our family now. All right. So I did not. I got interested in music later on, but you were so talented at music, almost like a prodigy. You were really talented at the piano very early and took to it right away.

First of all, I think there's a very strong connection between music and comedy. I think. Yeah, for sure. The obvious about the rhythm and the rhythm and the beats and the timing, all that. Yeah. And, but I also think I knew it was comedy or it was nothing, but you had this really valuable, cool other choice, which is concert pianist. Alcohol.

Well, okay. I don't think that's exclusive of anything else. I mean, I've managed to be in the business and abuse alcohol. Sure. But you, I think that's a little bit of a different story where you could have, I mean, like Steve Martin, Steve Martin could have made a career playing the banjo if anybody could. He's really talented, but.

Yeah, he's amazing. I started playing piano when I was five and all through high school and college. And I auditioned for the Chicago Symphony when I was like 17 and, and, but the pressure and the stress of having to hit every single note correctly all the time is a lot. Right. Even though I went through all these competitions and all of this stuff. And it was my major in college, but that stress where like the notes are the notes, right? So Beethoven and Schubert and Schumann and Scarlatti and whoever.

If you, if you miss the note, it rings so loudly and everybody, everybody notices. But if you are in comedy and you're a stand up or you're acting or whatever, and you screw up, you can do it again or be kind of cover your ass by making a joke about the joke that didn't work. Yes. Yes. Like you can, you can fix it in, in the moment, but you can't fix notes that have been on the page for literally centuries.

So I was okay with being done with that kind of pressure, but, and also like in college when it was my major, the funny people are just more fun and not that musicians aren't fun. Most of them are a blast. In college, I always felt like the best joke, you know, the music people were making were like, don't be sharp. Don't be flat. Just be natural.

And I was like, okay, I'll see you over at the theater department. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I never want to go. What horrible, horrible people would make that joke. I don't care what their musical abilities. If you make that joke, you're dead to me.

Right. But I was one of those people. I had on my refrigerator a pad that said Chopin List. Oh God. So, you know, it's endless. The puns are endless. Yeah. Yeah.

So, well, now I don't want to talk to you. And it's way too early in the interview to sign off. So now I just have to vamp. If you did, I would just say dad. Dad, is that true? I was always drawn to comedy because these other pursuits are kind of monastic. Like if you want to be a great pianist, you have to go in a room and shut the door. Mind and grind and grind and grind.

And there's something about comedy. I love being around funny people and trying to play with them and bounce off of what they're saying. If everybody's laughing really hard and you have these moments that seem kind of magical, whether it's in a writer's room or in front of an audience. It feels like you're not alone. Have you ever worked with somebody that doesn't understand that concept? Because that's tough.

It's tough when you are a funny person that just wants to be silly and make people laugh. And you want to be around other people that do the same thing. But certain people, maybe that are in your life or that have been in your life, don't really see it as that and they see it as competition. Right. And that's when it gets like, oh, sad and then all the joy. When does that happen to you? Well, you know, it's happened in my life at some point.

You mean with other comedy people? Well, people that claim they're in comedy, but then don't enjoy being around other funny people. I used to find it a little problematic at Cernot Live as much as that being on that show changed my life. And there was so much competition there and people jockeying for a limited amount of airtime. It's built that way. Yes.

Like to me, it was always like a fun thing. Like, oh, I want you to make me laugh and I want to make you laugh. And that's it. It starts and stops there, but people who take it beyond that are like, I'm going to be the funniest person. Well, now all the joy is gone. Yes. There are people that look at comedy and they, as a competitive sport and they actually use

a lot of sports analogies. Right. You know, I killed, I hit a home run, you know, I sank a three-pointer, whatever they just, and I always think I never, I sort of got into comedy to get away from that. Right. I don't like the whole, we're both going to take our comedy dicks out and see who wins. Right. I didn't like that and I didn't like it for a good reason.

Right. No. Although that said, I feel like this show is a touchdown. Yeah. Yeah. This show, the one we're doing right now. Yeah. Yeah.

You think it's a, it's. Trying to make a sports analogy, but it's failed. So we can probably cut that out. No, no, no, no. We're going to feature that. We're going to feature that because now I'm putting up who wins. That was just, we just lost a point and I've gone up a point. No, but I definitely think that people that get into it that way.

I, that always, it started out live, heard it. And then when I was at the Simpsons, everybody's, where everybody's just trying to think of, whoever can think of the funny end of the scene, we all get to go home. You know what I mean? Right. Right. Right. Like even on Will and Grace, some of the camera guys would be like, hey, what if they, what

if you did this? I'd be like, that's hilarious. Yeah. I don't think that. Well, that's in violation of the Writers Guild. Sure. And I'm actually on the Writers Guild side on this one. Okay.

So I'll be getting the names of those camera people and I'll be seeing to it today. Don't work again. Yes, sir. I'm sorry. Harm and foul. You know? And since I said I hate it when people use sports analogies, that's all we've done. You know what I mean?

I know, right? You took my analogy and you've like run the four minute mile with it. Oh my God. Wait, go back to your dick size for a second. So you were laughing. Why were you laughing? Well, it was one of those embarrassed laughs like, you know, sort of the implication being that if I was in a dick contest, I wouldn't do that well.

But we all know that's a joke. I joke about it because it's not a problem, problem, problem, problem. See, now mine would have echoed probably longer than that. Mine would have too, but the cave collapsed because the cave felt bad. The cave felt so bad for my penis. I understand. So you decide. I mean, that's the other thing too is that this whole time that you're this fantastic

pianist, you must have known you had superpowers in comedy that you could really make people laugh. Well, did you not? Was it something that was like hidden? I think, you know, as a kid, we grew, I grew up in chaos, right? And I love my brothers very much and I love my sister very much. We had an alcoholic father and who was absent all the time. And then finally left when I was like five or six years old.

And so my mom raised five kids by herself and there's so much pain. And I mean, that's like another podcast conversation. But I think that's why everybody in my family is funny. You know, everybody has a quick dark wit. And I think that was our coping mechanism, you know, news flash. It's the biggest cliche in the world, you know, and I'm no different. And so we grew up just with the most ridiculous things like making videos that were like horror films in our house.

We used to play a game when my mom would go bowling every Thursday night was the night that we had free in the house. And we kind of grew up parenting ourselves. But even though she was the best parent in the world, we would have knife fights. We would have, we would turn off all the lights in the house and invite friends over and we'd throw steak knives at each other. Oh my God. How is this, how is this a game?

How do you play that for 30 seconds and not kill somebody? I think the game is if you're, if you're alive at the end, you win. But didn't people get really hurt? It was a soft throw. Right. So then it's fine. Then it's fine. We used to do that.

And we used to couple that with called tiger in the grass. So we'd throw knives and play tiger in the grass, which was you'd have to be on all fours. And there'd be like 20 kids that are playing this in the dark, complete dark crawling around. And if you tag, if you touch somebody, they were out, right? Or something like that. I don't know. Right. Well, there's no fun because there's no knife involved in that one.

And now when you just put battery acid all over the floor and people had to stay crouched, even though the hands on the flesh in their hands was burning. Right. And the winner would get skin grafts. Yeah, exactly. But anyways. But this is what I can relate to is the craziness of my parents were really busy. And there was a lot of craziness.

And this was like a typical thing that happened. My brother Luke and I slept in one room. And my brother Neil, who was the oldest, came crashing into our door on a Saturday morning and just started hurling pillows at us and laughing and was really getting on our nerves. He was much bigger than us. And then we jumped out of our beds to chase him. He started to run down the stairs in the front hall. And as he ran to the corner, we both, my brother Luke and I shoved him.

And he went off the stairs and fell into the front hall where he remained motionless. Oh my God. So my brother Luke and I walked down and we're like the Menendez brothers. We just walked down. We get to the bottom of the stairs. Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. We get to the bottom of the stairs.

We step over Neil, who's moaning, going, oh, we step over him and we go in and start watching Saturday morning cartoons. He's lying there and we watch and time lapse. We watch all of the Warner Brothers cartoons. Then we watch all of Fat Albert and the Cosby kids. Then we're watching Bugaloo's. We're watching all the shows that came on on Saturday mornings. Neil isn't moving.

And finally we noticed parents showing up. We noticed murmuring. We noticed that Neil's being taken out, like carried out. Then Neil's at the hospital. We're still watching TV and then Neil comes back from the hospital with a giant cast on his wrist because he shattered his wrist. Our parents come in and go, what? You just sat and we were like, huh?

He threw a pillow at us. He stepped over what could have been his dead body and didn't give a shit. And it's weird when they removed him, they already put the chalk around him. And I looked back on that and I think what sociopaths we were. Look, I'm sorry, this could be a whole episode of just these fucking stories. But my brother Kevin, who I love very, very much, he made darts out of needles and paper. And I was trying to escape him and he threw them at me as I was running back and they all stuck in my back.

And I say, that's how acupuncture was invented. You know what I love is that anytime we tell these stories, and you're very good at this, you always go, now my brother Kevin, I love him. But whenever someone says that about a sibling or says it about a family member, like my brother Luke, I love him to death. But I was walking along one day and he took a rotary saw and he cut both of my legs off. It always leads to something absolutely horrible.

I'm not even making this up. I remember being two or three years old and my grandma, who was the best grandma ever, fell down the stairs. And I remember standing at the top of the stairs just looking at her like, I didn't know what to do. She was at the bottom of the stairs. That was awful, but that's not a funny story. No, no, but the first thing, you go through her purse.

Second of all, I change all the signatures to her will. Yes. There's three things you do immediately. It's just go through the purse, change the signatures on the will, and then, you know, and then you're halfway there and then get the car keys. And then maybe throw down some pasta to her. No, but, oh, my brother Mike, this is so great, who I love too. To get back at my dad one time, my dad would come home drunk

and want to make like eggs and I don't know why eggs all the time. But and my brother took the spoon or the fork and when he wasn't look, my dad wasn't looking. It was like in the bathroom. I was exactly put the handle over the burner for like two minutes and then carefully placed it back on his little thing. So when he grabbed it, he was like, mother fuck. I want out of this family.

This family is ridiculous. Yeah. There's no way that growing up in chaos and having your dad leave when you're five, right, doesn't create all that. Yeah. All the mechanisms that you need, like the world is chaos. So I'm going to embrace the absurd. I'm going to completely embrace the absurd.

I remember my sister, I was maybe four and she's like, I want to go over to my friend Becky's house. And my mom was like, OK, bring your brother because I got to go to the store. OK, so she brought me and put me in a dress and made me sit on the curb waiting for her outside as cars are driving by four years old in a dress. Not really understanding the situation at all. And why did you have to put me in a dress to go over to her friend's house? So how do you make this transition?

You're playing the piano. From a woman to a man? Yes. You were a girl and you were sitting on the stoop waiting for your mom and then you became this very funny actor. Well, you know, so like I said, I studied piano for like maybe 15 years or something. And then, you know, I was always a fan of Saturday Night Live. And my dad would come in and out of our, he left, I think,

officially when I was like five or six and would come in and out for, I don't know what it's kind of all foggy to me, but one day he would be the house the next day. Whenever he was in the house, I didn't want to see him or talk to him or do anything. So I would go to my bedroom and lock myself in there and watch either reruns of Saturday Night Live or Saturday Night Live on Saturdays. And I would just dream of being on that show and wanted to hang out. And then I would do what everybody, every kid did,

was go back to school on Monday and imitate, you know, imitate Billy Crystal imitating Lorenzo Llama or imitate Marty Short imitating anybody, you know. Well, I'm just just popped in my head. That might be interesting to your listener is that you actually... I'm going to add an S. I'm going to make that, if it costs me $10,000, I'm going to add an S to that listener. Okay. So my, is that Conan O'Brien actually, when I finally got my dream come true to host Saturday Night Live,

helped me write my monologue. Yeah, I remember this. And the funny thing is I was not a writer at Saturday Night Live when I did it. It was when I was, it was years into doing the late night show. Right. And I popped over there, say hello, because I was such a big fan. Uh, was. And, uh... I lost you around 2006. I think I lost you.

Yeah, I did one bit. You didn't like him. You were out. You were out. I walked over there. You were so kind. And I said, I'm having trouble with the angle, blah, blah, blah. And you were like, it was this piano bit where I came out and played the piano. And I think it was you and, or together, Mike Schur, who's also brilliant, came up with the Beethoven thing where I go, da, da, da, dum. And then in between, I would do some crazy thing like shave and do her, solve a root. You said, why don't you solve a Rubik's Cube?

And so I went, da, da, da, dum. And I solved a Rubik's Cube. Da, da, da, dum. Da, da, da, dum, dum, dum, dum. And this Beethoven thing, it was really, really funny. And you never paid me. I was never paid. Again, you went around the writer's guild to America. I cannot take responsibility for your business managers still. Practices.

So, you know, it's, well, two things I want to say. First of all, so how crazy is that that you grow up watching Star and Out Live and that is your escape and then you get to walk through the doors. It's impossible not to think life is magical. Absolutely. Wait a minute. I prayed to this false idol to television and then somehow I went into it. Yeah. I mean, it's really, really fucking weird.

Like also, I was also obsessed with TV. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, so TV was everything, right? And I was obsessed. And I have a bunch of these stories and I don't know why they happened to me, but these coincidences. So when I was very young, six, seven, eight, we had extended family move from Chicago to San Diego. And so we would visit them a couple of times in my life,

two or three times. And one of the times we drove up from San Diego to see a taping of a show called Laughin, which I'm told was taped, filmed on stage 17 at CBS Radford, which is where we filmed Will and Grace. Oh, wow. So I think that shit is bizarre. Yeah.

And so, so Centeright Live, that story, and I have like a few other stories like that, where it's bizarre. I really do believe in manifesting things. And you know, that sounds corny, but... No, I don't think that's corny. I do think there's some power to, because I had the same experience.

We both had the opportunity to meet so many talented people, but there's this magic to any time I brush up against something that I saw from my childhood when I was... Hashtag me too, hashtag me too. Yeah. Like when I was sitting on the Iron Great in our little like sort of playroom area where the TV was, and I saw something that really impressed me

or wowed me on the little television. And then all these years later, I encounter that person. Yes. And it's always hard for me to shake that first association. And we just recently, sadly, lost Regis Philbin. Regis Philbin passed away. Yeah. And I had this memory, such a lovely guy,

and I had this memory of the first time I met him. It was like 1993. I had been named as the replacement for David Letterman, but I hadn't gone on yet, and we were scrambling that summer to put the show together, and I'm walking along, and I bump into Regis Philbin, and he was on his way, I think, back from doing a show on the Upper West Side, and I'll never forget,

he had a garment bag slung over one shoulder, and he was just Regis Philbin. He was not one of those guys who became somebody else. He was Regis Philbin, but he bumped into me, and he was like, so Conan, you know, you're feeling, you're feeling Conan. He used to call me Conan. Conan, you're feeling good about taking over the late night show?

Yeah. You think you're going to be ready? And I said, yeah, I, you know, I'm scared, and I think it's going to be tough, but we've got some funny ideas. That's good. That's good. And then I said, by the way, and this is,

my favorite show when I was a kid was Get Smart, and there was one episode where Get Smart is in a bakery. And this is, I guess, when Regis' career, you know, I think he was kind of known as like the sidekick to Joey Bishop, but he hadn't, he wasn't a star yet. So he played the baker in a bakery. And so I just said, oh, I just said, I really loved you on Get Smart when you were the baker.

And it was like this small scene from a part of his career. And I'll never forget, he was like, the baker, Get Smart. That's what you know me from? That's what you remember from? He just started, he couldn't believe it. And he was with someone, he was like, this guy, this guy's bringing up the baker from Get Smart. I shot that in 1966.

I had no money. You know, just like, he couldn't... Wait, but I can't tell. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? Yeah. That was a good thing. Well, no. He loved that.

I know. I don't think he loved it. I think he was sort of just like, how the fuck do you remember that? And why aren't we talking about the massive success I've had since then? And, you know, I think it would be, if someone walked up to you today and said, hey, Sean, I really loved you as waiter number four.

I'm always shocked when somebody says anything other than Will and Grace. Well, three Stooges. Three Stooges, yeah. That was... I have to say, when I heard that project that you guys... First of all, I didn't hear who was attached to it yet, but when I heard that they were going to recreate the three Stooges,

I said, impossible, can't be done, and I pity anyone involved in this project. And then I hear that you're involved. I hear these other very talented people are involved. And then I see it and I'm howling the whole time. I thought you were brilliant. And I thought you guys did the impossible. Well, thanks about...

I want to talk about that because Billy West, do you know Billy West? Yes, of course, yeah. He's a genius. So nobody does a better Larry from the three Stooges than Billy West. So the fairly brothers who directed the movie, they're like, we want you to go meet with Billy West

and he's going to teach you how to talk like Larry. And I was like, okay, I mean, he's genius. So I did not know that Billy West was the voice of both sometimes Ren and Stimpy. That's right. And so he goes Stimpy. He goes, if you ever need a quick fix to jog your memory on where to place it in your mouth, the voice of Larry,

just listen to Stimpy. I'm just doing a Larry impression. Oh, wow. So I was like, oh, that's fascinating. So when he explained it to me and we worked on it, I'll do a little bit. It goes, hey, quit horsing around you till you disturb my coffee break. That's fantastic.

So the whole movie, I had to talk like this. You have to change the shape of your palate to do that. That's incredible. But it was great. It was a great lesson. But it's really kind of fun to do it. A do not remove. He says, oh, do not remove.

OK, so wait. Three Stooges get maligned a lot just by people who say, oh, that's idiocy. And also there's this, I think, false idea out there that only guys like the Three Stooges, and I went, no, it's just so brilliant because they do the same thing the Marx brothers do, which is they don't waste time explaining how the Three Stooges got into that situation.

You know what I mean? Right, right, right. They cut through all that shit. And I think more movies should do this. A movie always has to spend 40 minutes explaining how the funny character got to be mistaken for a brain surgeon. Right. What the Three Stooges would do, and the Marx brothers,

and a lot of those classic movies, is they would say, we need a brain surgeon. Get me Fine Howard. Get me Howard, Fine Howard. And the Three Stooges would come in. And they'd be like, we got this. Yeah, you know, let's cut his head off. And they're kidding.

It's laughing at each other. Gentlemen, please. And you think, who the fuck ever, how did they ever become, no one cared about it. Or if a rich society lady is having a party and there's having a little trouble with the plumbing, call these guys who've never been plumbers before in their life, but they have all their points.

Yes. But I love that. I got it. I'll take care of it. Let me through. Let me through. No, that's more movies should do that. But anyway.

So wait. So back to the idea, though, I know what you mean when you, you just can't believe your life and you meet, you know, your heroes kind of. And that happened, you know, I used to imitate Steve Martin all the time doing King Tut with a, I used to take my sweater that I was wearing and put it through my head, you know, like I was taking it off, but I would just stop at removing

it off my head and it would look like his kind of King Tut look, you know, like the whatever that is called. And I would do, I would imitate the whole thing to, to, and his whole album called Let's Get Small. I don't know if you remember that. So I was obsessed with Steve Martin and Marty Short. And it just turns out those two are best friends now, but both of them and they both become a part of my life now

and I love them so much. And it happened for me when I was sitting with Steve at a lunch one time and he said, and Steve, you know, it's very kind of hard to get in there, you know, but once you do, he's such a lovely human being. He, cause he feels like the rest of us, we're all, we're all insecure. But I said, he loves to hear about jokes.

So I told him this one joke that I wrote about Kristen Chenoweth. Now, if you don't know what Kristen Chenoweth is, she's this big Broadway star. I did Broadway with her. She's a pretty famous person, but she's also kind of also famous not for her talent and her voice and her gorgeous looks, but her height, she's very, very small.

Very small. So I said, she presented me to me this one award. And I said, I asked her if it was okay that I wrote this joke about her. And she said, sure. So I told Steve this joke. And it was, I got up and accepted the award. And I go, I'd like to thank Kristen Chenoweth for giving

me this award. I know you're all thinking the same thing. I was thinking when I first met Kristen, the circus is in town. And Steve, Steve Howell, and he goes, can I have that joke? I'll say it to him. I'm like, oh my God, Steve Martin just asked for a joke. I wrote.

I'm like, of course you can have that joke. I would be honored. And if you ever saw a ratatouille at the very end when the, when the guy serves the food critic, the food and the camera goes inside his head and he goes back to his childhood about when he first had that food. Yes. I had that moment where I was like, oh my God, I was a kid

imitating Steve Martin. I dreamed of meeting him. I've dreamed of being like any and have a half of an ounce of talent he did. And here I am having lunch and he just borrowed one of my jokes. That was just a credible moment for me. Well, you know, it's funny because you mentioned Marty

Short. And I actually, I was thinking about that you guys are made of similar stuff. You know? Do you know what I mean? I'm guessing you're, you're, how Irish are you? 99%. Yeah.

Yeah. You guys both have just that incredible rapid fire, quick 100% commitment. He's so good and so quick. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. There's so many Glick character, which is also like, you

know, infamous now. And, and just brilliant. He said, I, he, I go, how do, is that a lot of that written or is a lot of that off the top of your head? And he said to me, he goes, you know, Sean, I, I can't explain it. He said, yes, of course, some of it is written, but most of it just comes to me.

Like I said, what about that joke when he was interviewing? I don't, I don't remember Jerry Seinfeld maybe. And they were talking about the Kardashians and he goes, Kim Kardashian thinks soy milk is, means I am milk. And I'm like, did you write that? And he goes, no, I just thought of that in the moment. And I'm like, how does, he goes, I can't explain it. It's this character that the universe just sends me down

dialogue and jokes. And I just think it's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. He had, did you see his Broadway show? I absolutely loved it. Of course I was in it. Yeah.

When he pulled me up as well. And a man. So it's not, you know, special that he pulled you up. Yeah. He pulled me up as well. Yeah. He pulled me up as well. And so it's not, you know, special that he pulled you up.

Special? Yeah. I just wanted. Yeah. I pretty much had a home run with that. Yeah. I pretty much had a home run. I put it right through the goalposts.

Yeah. And I was carried off the field by fellow jocks. Because. Not by your brother. Well, he can, his wrist doesn't work. Since he shattered it. You know what I love is you do a podcast with Jason Bateman and Will Arnett.

And yes, you, I associate the two of those guys together, but I love that you're the third part of. Yes. No, the third part of it, the third part of the triangle. I just think because I think you provide this. It's just a fantastic addition. It's just like, I hadn't thought of like, and when I heard that the three of you were doing a podcast,

I thought, Oh, that'd be fun. It'd be really fun to hang out with those guys. Yeah. And thank you for doing it. You were brilliant on it. By the way. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not even just saying this. I swear to God, you are one of the best we've done. We've done too. You are one of the best. Wow. Yeah. No. You're one of the best.

We've done a ton. But you know, it was so much fun. You're one of the best. It's so much fun too. And there is something so delightfully fun about just going at Will Arnett. You know, I don't know what it is because he can't be hurt. You know what I mean?

You can't hurt his feelings. I think he's, I think he like you. He's absolutely brilliant. He is another one who's so gifted with a quick wit. And Jason's also incredibly got this gift of the English language. Yes. He speaks so efficiently and also so comedically efficiently. And the name of the show is called Smart List.

That's okay. I'll plug in myself. I mentioned it up top. I do mention it. Yeah. But you never said the name of it. That's okay. I don't know the part that I take.

You're not here. But I don't know. Anyway. I heard that, you know, the podcast was no longer available. Well, I'll let you know while I am here. So I know you're supporting me. So, yeah. Anyway, so apparently it's ended.

The podcast is over, right? They don't make them anymore. Is that the idea? And they're not available. You can't get them. Well, we saw. Don't try to look for it because you just can't get it. It's completely unavailable.

We actually did it because we didn't think there were enough podcasts. Well, you know what? There was a dearth and then especially during coronavirus when the coronavirus has a podcast. Yeah. It's going viral. All right. You know, I wish there was a way to just make that not happen.

That's a perfect way to end this. Yeah. You know what? You're right. You're right. I meant humanity. So wait. No, but Jason is so brilliant and Will is so brilliant.

And a lot of the times I kind of take a backseat, a happy backseat, watching them go at it. It is just as fun for me to watch and kind of pepper in something every now and then to watch those two go at it because it makes me laugh so hard. And I'm almost like take the position of the listener a lot of time. Well, sure, I'll throw like a jab in there or two to both of them. And it's always fun, but it is a blast to be a part of that with

those guys. And we've known each other for like 20 years. It's a really good mix of energies. And one of the things I'll say about Jason, his energy, unlike you and me and say Will Arnett, he has a slower rhythm and he's very dry. And it's fantastic. And he's so good at it. And when he's, it is like music.

It's like the bass note and the high notes. And that's as much as I know about music. But I think that's all you really need to know. So I could probably be a concert pianist too. Scotty, should we say, should we say hello? Should I show Conan? Should I show Conan? Conan, that's my tribute to Regis.

Conan. Is he still sleeping? He's passed out. What's this? All right. So let him, let him stay there. Well, could we tell him? Okay.

Talking about lies. She's here. My wife, is there a sleep on the floor? Yeah. Yeah. And I just don't feel like waking her. She looks so sound. By the way, she, she also said, I have not had a good night's sleep in

25 years. Don't let a disturbed wife, you know, no, I'd fuck that up. You're just God. Wait, you just don't. No, no, let disturbed wives sleep. Yes. Wait, let me grab, let me grab him. Give me two seconds.

Okay. All right. But I just hope this is worth it. God, he's put a lot of pressure on this. What's it going to be? It's a podcast. Like anything you can see. Guys, hey, he's off mine right now so I can criticize him.

What? Oh, wait, you came back. I was just totally ripping you a new one as you were gone. Nobody ever says ripping you an old one. Why is that? I guess the act of tearing creates a new opening. All right. Let me show you a little bit.

Okay. So what's that? Is it Larry King? Wait, what were we talking about? Is it Larry King? Is Larry King asleep next to you in a crib? Oh my gosh. He's so tired.

Oh. Okay. I can't see what's happening. Oh my God. Okay. Let me explain America the most beautiful. Is that a golden retriever? It's a cat.

No, it's not. I guess a cat that was playing with some kind of radioactive substance. It's either a horrifying radioactive cat or the cutest puppy. He's a golden doodle. He's a golden doodle. He's gorgeous. What's his name? Ricky.

Oh, Ricky. How old is Ricky? Ricky's 11 weeks old. Okay. Remember, he just woke up. He's so young. His eyes are all out. Oh, that's a giant yawn.

That's a giant yawn. I'm watching on Zoom right now. You're watching Sean's husband do a giant yawn. Yeah. Oh, beautiful dog. Well, you know what you have to do? You want, again, everything comes up. No, you can't eat the dog, but you should create the same chaos for that dog that you

had growing up so that the dog is funny and talented. Okay. Yeah. He's not escaping this. Why should he get a free ride? Free pass. Yeah. I have taken way too much of your time, but I love talking to you.

I really do. You are. I love you Conan so much. You are truly one of my favorite people in the world and one of the funniest people I've ever known. Oh, that's sweet. Why do they always cut that part out? That'll never make air.

No. The producer always puts a fog horn over anybody saying anything nice. You say, and Conan, I just want to say, me, oh. Please. I used to do the good horn, the bike horn when I was a kid. That is a sad childhood. That's a lot of time alone in the room. I would call myself to dinner that way.

Sean Hayes, God bless you and I really do look forward to hanging with you once this COVID nonsense is over. For sure. That's what nonsense is as how I refer to anything that's killed hundreds of thousands of people. What's all this nonsense in World War I? What's all this World War II nonsense? Yeah, I was 1922. Yeah, you guys stay safe.

I love your new dog and thank you for being so unbelievably funny. Of course. Thank you. I love you to death. Love you too. Matt, you have that look in your eye that you have something planned for us today. There are no surprises. I just thought we might do a nice review the reviewers.

That's right. This is when people review us and then I give my comments on their thoughts. Is that correct? That's right. These are the Apple podcast reviews and I'll read them and they might be ones that have interesting sentiments or whatever and then you can just respond. What if my feelings are hurt? Again, this is always where I go.

And always where I go. Do you ever get your feelings hurt? I always filter these. No. Oh, oh, you always, yeah. See, now you're saying there are ones that would hurt my feelings. Damn it, Matt. Just all I want is for you to say there's never been a negative thought about you in

the universe. There is never been a negative thought about you in the universe. And then I want you to go out and destroy hundreds of thousands of opinion pieces. They're right out there in the world. Okay. I can handle it. Okay. Let's do it.

This is from Pickle Rich 7717. It's a five-star review titled It's Just Like Old Times and he says, Conan O'Brien needs a friend is like a warm hug from your favorite uncle. Your parents tell you not to go around. Oh, that was a good one. We are the pedophile of podcasts. Well, that's fantastic. That's really good.

But he did give you five stars. Right. But that might have been for my craftiness as a pedophile. But maybe it's the type of uncle they say don't go around because he's too cool. He'll get you into a world that's too creative and too cool and too fun. He'll buy you alcohol. That's that uncle. He'll take you to your first...

This is all going the same place. Make it to that concert. I don't know. It's all headed to the same place eventually. He got me alcohol. He told my senses. Sorry, but it is. I would rather be, follow me on this, I would rather be the really hilarious uncle

he never got to know because I was killed in World War I. Oh, come on, Conan. Because I have a picture on the wall and I'm kind of perfect. And he's hearing, oh my God, he could make people laugh. He was so great. What happened? Gassed in the trenches. Mustard gas.

Blue foam was coming out of his mouth. You know what that blue foam was, little Billy? His lungs had liquefied. But man, was he funny. I don't know. Maybe that's the story I would prefer. That's what I'm aiming for in a year from now. I want this guy to write back and go,

Conan, you're the great, hilarious uncle everyone talks about from World War I. It was gassed in the trenches. Couldn't you have died saving someone? No, I died. He died being saved. Yeah. I was screaming for help and three guys came to drag me out and they were killed too. Oh, Conan.

Yeah, and I didn't make it easier. I thrashed so much they could have gotten me into an ambulance. But I was thrashing so much and saying, I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Oh my God, I don't want to die. I don't want to die. They were exposed to gas too and they died.

And that's why they don't want you to go around you as an uncle because you're the shame of the family. Yeah, yeah. There's no metal on the wall or anything. There's a photograph of me on the wall that's pretty faded and it's from like 1918. And I'm in this whole unit of people that are looking at me with hate because they know I'm going to get them killed. Or there's just a place on the wall where a frame used to be and there's little dirt around it. Yeah, there's no picture hanging there anymore.

They threw the picture out a long time ago. What picture used to hang there? Oh, that was your uncle who got a bunch of people killed. The man was, was he funny? He was funny. You went from being a war hero to just being this disgraced figure in the family. I know. That's impressive.

It's the way it went. It all goes downhill. Every idea with me, it's like those little marbles that go on a track that work off gravity. Everything has to go to the very, very bottom with me. The idea can start no matter how elevated it is. You're the kindly uncle, you know? And within 30 seconds, my brain will have taken that little idea down a crazy looping track till it's in my anus.

Oh, man. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Salatarov and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Earwolf.