Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Sgt. Microphone Glassian

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

Conan chats with zookeeper Joy from Columbus, Ohio about penguins, hellbenders, and snot otters. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konen O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konen? Visit teamkoko.com slash callkonen. Okay, let's get started. Hi Joy, welcome to Konen O'Brien needs a fan. Hello everyone. Hi Joy. Chill Chums.

I'm so excited to talk to you guys. Hey. Tell us about yourself Joy. First of all, where are you right now? I'm in this, you might think it's a dungeon, but it's not. It is a hotel room. I am currently at a conference,

the American Association of Zookeepers. Wow. I hope you're a zookeeper or else. I feel very sorry for you. I'm sorry. Are you a zookeeper? I am indeed. So my day to day, I work with Humboldt Penguins,

Caribbean filming goes, Aldobert Tortises, American Alligators. One of my favorites that I help fill in for the Snot Otters or Hellbenders, and then fill in with manatees and some other aquatics. So where is your zoo? Central Ohio, Columbus. Okay, and Columbus, Ohio. And this is a zoo that do you have a lot of other animals

or and these are just the ones you specialize in? Correct. So I'm in the shores region, which is probably one of the more diverse regions to work in just because we have a lot of local conservation projects. But it is a catch all. So it's like reptiles and some aquarium stuff. And yeah, yeah, birds throw those in. Are there any animals that you wish that you were in charge of that you're not in charge of? Like, man, I wish I got to hang with that bear. Or do you know what I mean? I would love to work with otters or tapirs.

I think they'd be so cool. or do you know what I mean? I would love to work with otters or tapirs. I think that'd be so cool. That's cool. Wait, but you said you work with a snot otter? A snot otter, that is an otter. So no, it's a loving phrase for a hellbender, which is our largest amphibian in North America. So they can get to be like close to about two feet when they're fully grown,

and they live under rocks. They're good stream indicators for stream health, and they're slimy. And the snot otters. Yeah, but it's like when you're talking to kids and the public, like they really latch on to snott otter, like what? But they're actually, I mean, they're really cute. So you'd like to more time with real otters and less time with snott otters. Is that what you're saying?

Well, can I be greedy? Can I have both? Sure, but why would I suggest a bear? You didn't take that. Do you have a bear at your zoo? We do. So what's your problem with the bear? Why wouldn't you want to spend more time with the bear? They're amazing. But I'm also really short and sometimes I like to work with

things that I'm bigger than. So I think that's a problem. Me too. I only hire people who are smaller than me so I can lure it over them. That's everyone. Yeah, exactly. That's why I fire anyone who's over 6'4". Well, tell us, Joy, so you take care of these animals. How does one even get into zoo keeping? How does that happen? It is a very competitive field. So a lot of times when we're out there scrubbing poo,

like is a lot of our job, they will turn to their kin, be like, see, if you don't, you know, go to school, you'll end up like that. And it's actually, we get a lot of schooling. I got a master's degree in biological sciences. And yes, scrubbing poo is part of it. But wait a minute, um, but you're telling me that you're at the zoo, taking care of the animals, and sometimes you're picking up poo, and you'll hear a parent say to their kid, yeah, if you don't study hard, you'll end up like that one.

Have you actually heard someone say that? Who are these dicks? Yes. That's terrible. That's terrible. First of all, I'm sorry I said it. I was in a bad mood and I was in Ohio and I just was trying to check out the zoo and with my kid and he said I don't

have to go to college and I so I whatever I was you and even with your kid you just said that to a random kid I took it to a random child he started crying and said who the fuck are you here so so Joy you take care of all these different animals tell me about tortoises because I've never connected with tortoises I like like animals, but I don't connect with the tortoise. I just don't. Oh my God. On an emotional level. And maybe they're on to me, maybe they know something.

I don't, you know, they're picking up on a bad vibe, but I've never connected with the tortoise. In fact, most animals with a shell, and I don't get along. I don't like a shrimp. I don't like any kind of mollusk. If it's got a shell, I tell it to go to hell. That's my motto.

So, quite a gimmick. Yeah, the tortoise, tell us about it. Okay, so they're amazing. And granted, yes, you can have some that are like, nah, I don't want anything to do with you, but we, and personally, in my care, we'll take care of our Aldabra tortoises that are 76 and 56 years old.

And Bava is the oldest animal at the zoo. He weighs about 567 pounds. And Sonny is about 100 pounds lighter than he is. You have a 76 year old tortoise? Does it talk a lot about how? That's Eisenhower. Eisenhower was a president He was a command and command and chief

But also He had I let troops in the field unlike our current presidents take it easy tortoise Does I mean can you sense the wisdom of an animal that's been around for 76 years? I mean, can you sense the wisdom of an animal that's been around for 76 years? Um, well, I don't know that I would go straight to wisdom, but charismatic, absolutely. Um, hands down. So even just walking in to their yard and you say their name, um, a lot of times when they're not napping, they'll perk up and they'll start coming over and walking over to you. And they love scritches on their neck and their shells and they stand up nice and tall. And they were, I mean, they're a day-breakener. Like, if you're having a bad day, go hang out with our old double tortoises.

Sunny oftentimes will come over to you and they just really just want like, scritches, it's not helpful if you're trying to hose because oftentimes they will get in the way of the hose so you can bathe them. They really like getting spritz down. Doesn't it take them 40 minutes to come over to where you are? They're very slow, aren't they? That's such beef with torches.

Well, I'm sorry, but. It depends. No, they're slow. They are on a mission. They can move quickly. Okay. Not in my experience. They can move slowly, yeah.

But a lot of times if you have a good You know, oh if they want to hang out with you They're gonna come over so a lot of times if we have to bring them inside for the evening because it's Ohio And in the autumn and early spring it gets too cold for them to be outside We like to encourage them to come inside. That's where they get their dinner and also, you know We'll get encouragement for coming in. So they'll see us back there, start trucking their way in. Sometimes they do a little lap, but yeah, they come over and-

All right, I'm going to be honest with you, Joy. I've never met a charismatic tortoise. I have to agree with you. You need to start more time with tortoises. And can I say something? Your bar for charisma is super low. You're like, oh my god, these tortoises are so charismatic. I really joy tell us. Well, you call their name and they lift their head Then slowly make their way to you and if you scratch them They tend to seem to be okay with it. Wow. That's a real JFK But but here I am talking to you But but here I am talking to you

So I have the equal As it torres Tortoise's mail Very careful So the mails oftentimes on the underside of their shell will have like a concave Indent so that I have that yeah, I have a concave indent And then they kind of will tuck their tail underneath where their clowaca is and they'll make. Oftentimes the males will make noises. They grant you, usually can hear several buildings over when the tortoises are mating because it's a very loud yes. So they can be able to do that.

And then they can be able to do that. And then they can be able to do that. And then they can be able to do that. Oftentimes the males will make noises. They grant you, usually can hear several buildings over when the tortoises are mating because it's a very loud, yes, grunt. Like what? Oh, oh. Oh.

Well, yeah, but smaller ones. That could be a tortoise or anyone I know. I mean, I'm going to be honest with you. I might be part tortoise. Oh. Oh. I'm concave down there and I go, oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, come on. Why don't give me body shame? Oh, sorry. I'm telling you about a very, I'm opening up here. You should be. Well, then you should be more into the tortoises. Yeah, it's a self-hoating.

Yeah, because you, yeah, you, you see yourself in them. And maybe my shell is my sarcastic exterior. Yeah What deep No, I just said some stuff and then we moved on Okay, well, and you also take care of penguins. Yeah describe these penguins are they the penguins that we see in cartoons Just that run around in bow ties and stuff is it is it those penguins? the penguins that we see in cartoons, just that run around in bow ties and stuff, is it, is it those penguins?

So, they are a warm climate species of penguins that are in- Come on, they're so stupid. I can't believe you're putting up with any of this joy. You have all this education and knowledge, I'm like, ah, I need to the ones that have the bow ties. They wait tables in cartoons. To be fair, we do have an Oswald Cobble pot to play into that.

Oh, wow, that's the name of one. Oh, and he runs, like it says, colony too. So he is behind the villain. Is that an emperor penguin? No, so they are humbled. So they're South American or Peruvian penguins. They're medium-sized, they're smaller than a king and emperors are the largest. What's the largest penguin?

How big would it get? Like they can probably stand about, oh like species wise or like our penguins. Sorry. I'm just any penguin. I'm just curious what's the biggest penguin in the world. You want to know if you can take it. Well, let me hear the size first and then I'll I'll determine if I can fight it. I Don't work with emperors, but I do believe they're probably closer to three and a half four feet

I would have to fact check that because I've never worked with them But the ones I work with come up to my knee, so they're like I don't know. What's their what's their personality? What's the personality of these penguins that you work with? The level of sass is probably a mixture of cats and high school girls. Oh wow. Very sassy. Sassy and do they get into it with each other and sort of gossip about each other? Yeah. Oh, they're always yelling at each other. Absolutely. Hang it out at the mall. So yeah, they try on makeup, but never buy it. Sorry.

They steal scrunchies. Come on. They show a lot of things. You guys don't know anything about TH girls. I know all about them. I know all about teenage girls. OK. And flamingos, you work with flamingos.

Absolutely. So they are taller than I am some of them. We have a flock that it has been my golden name every single bird when I first started because they were just numbered. And I thought that was kind of a cop out. I did that with Matt and Sono when they were first worked here. Number eight and number 11. Yeah.

Don't ask me why. Even in order. What happened in between? You don't want to know. Let's just say they didn't work out. And their families miss them. So you work with flamingos. Could you ever, can someone ride a flamingo or a flamingo aren't bigot?

I'm thinking of like an ostrich. Not so much. Yeah, no. Could a tortoise ride a flamingo or a flamingo aren't bigot. I'm thinking of like an ostrich. Not so much. Yeah, no. Could a tortoise ride a flamingo? What do you ask? In this case, size matters. So I would say teeny tiny, yes, but it would probably fall off because flamingos are flirting, walking everywhere, flapping wings bathing.

They're not one to stay still for too long. Can I just say that you're a highly educated person who's worked very hard to take care of these animals? Is there some part of you that's insulted by the idiocy of my questions? I, it's kind of like the spice of life, so I'm not insulted, but. Well, I would be a fire you.

You should be. Well, there are a lot of children that come to her zoo probably I bet you even children don't go as low as Billy your stupid We keep a quote book at work for all the questions that we get I'm in there now. Yeah.

Well, do you have a question from me, Joy? I'm here to answer your questions and help you in any way I can. So, one I have for you, and the other, I need the help of you in the chill chums. The first one is just kind of fun. If you were a penguin, because they often bring offerings to their mates or mates to be. Like rocks or, you know, special rocks or something. What would you bring to woo your penguin mate to be? Signed headshot.

Jesus. Of you? Yeah. Oh, dear. Yeah. I'd have signed headshot. That's what I did with my wife. Oh, no. Yeah. I said, hey, you seem like a pretty nice lady here. Hold on a second, and I keep them in the trunk of my car. Oh God.

I got out on eight. Oh God. Yeah, I got out a headshot, a Conan O'Brien headshot, and I wrote, all best wishes. And she wrote for that? I used to have such respect for Liza. I know. Wait, they're headshots of you?

Yeah. Yes. No, they were Regis Phil their headshots of you? Yeah. Yes. No, there were regis philbin headshots that I kept in my trunk. Oh. Oh. I don't know. I would say, let's see if I really were a penguin,

I'm gonna say I would bring some kind of, something that she could eat, you know, because I know how important food is in the animal kingdom. Unlike humans, we don't need it. Um, I would bring, I would bring like, what do they eat? Do they eat nuts? Berries? What do they eat?

Fish? Fish? I'd bring a herring. I'd bring a herring, but maybe with a little nut inside it. Uh, I would bring, I wanted a little treat in there that she could choke on, and I could savor, and then I'm the hero. If you fed a penguin a nut, would it choke?

I mean, it would drop it. It'd be like, absolutely not. Okay. I play with it, but they probably wouldn't need it. Okay, so nuts are out. All right, I'd bring a herring, I'd bring a herring, with a little bow on it. And, oh, you know what I do?

I put it in a Tiffany's box. So she'd think she was getting a proposal and she'd be like, oh my God, I can't on it. And you know what I do? I put it in a Tiffany's box. So she'd think she was getting a proposal. And she'd be like, oh my god, I can't believe it. And then she'd get her friends to be filming it on YouTube. And then she'd open it up. And then it would be a herring. And it should be disappointed. But then it would start trending.

It would be like, oh man, that guy's fucked. You blew it. Only it's two, Penguin or Penguai. What's the plural of Penguin? Is it Penguai? You talk to you? Could a penguin ride a tortoise on top of a flamingo? Oh, or the tortoise in a penguin, my girl.

These are percentages. Like absurd fable from a dragon. I know, I know. There once was a flamingo who was asked by a tortoise for a ride, then a penguin came by and said, I can't eat a nut, but I'll play with it. Is this fable going anywhere, Aesop? I don't know, I'm making it up as I go along. Well Joy, that's my answer.

Herring in a Tiffany box. And chill chums, anything you need to add to this equation. Did you say you had another question? Is that? I did. So this one is kind of important because my co-workers and I are known for naming our chicks very elaborate names. For instance, our flamingos are named after it's always sunny and arrested development characters.

And our penguins, we just kind of have free reign. So there's a Charmin Mixnuggle bum who was named after the toilet paper crisis of 2020. Professor Finneas, sprinkle bottom, who I have on my ear. Oh wow, that's impressive. That's a great, that's a great, some great ink you got there. He's, he's gorgeous. Um, and then, um, like the honorable Chaturmak fluff S-Wire was named to make fun of us by our co-workers, but we thought it was great, so we kept it. So this is kind of, where the bar is at with our, our characters that we have in our colony. So my question is, do you, chillchums have some names that you would like to suggest for future have in our colony. So my question is do you, chillchums, have some names that you would like to suggest

for future chicks in our colony? Oh, wow. You guys can... Well, come on, do that. Come on, you guys, this is a, you've just been passed the ball on a crucial game. Okay. Clock is ticking.

All right. It's not that hard. Just throw it, just throw it out some names. Sergeant, microphone glass. Make sure you say what you're currently looking at. Can we take it again? Sergeant, Sergeant is the my contribution microphone glass. Okay, but I wonder if you could just say what you're seeing in front of you. When you do do? Microphone. Uh-huh. Glass. Okay, that sounds good. Okay. Sergeant microphone glass, S-quire.

Um, but I thought you'd do a Armenian name and put an IIN at the end. Oh. Sergeant microphoneian. Where's he live, Glendale? Come on. That's not a good one. That's not a good one. That's not anything bad.

I know, it's not. I don't know why know why I think yeah, right. It's fine. So sergeant Microphoneian no sergeant microphone glassy in yeah glassy. Yeah. Yeah, there you go I'll go little little cold bird in a hot sweaty world clock clock ping ping wow wow what an asshole You're telling me Can a tortoise write a penguin? That's great. I mean, these are good names. Are any of these usable so far? It might be a little struggle, but, you know,

we might build a worket. What about you? What about just Ben? Just a simple name like, hey, Ben. That's nice. You know, because you guys are getting into all What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you?

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What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? What about you? Well, that's Ben. You know what I mean? It's just makes things simple. We do have a Bruce banner, but oh Why does that does that that penguin turn into like a mean penguin? So he was really spicy when he was younger and if you didn't feed him his fish And so I was herring a certain way he would flip or slap you and get just really angry. So We kind of gave him a spicy name especially too. He would carry around one of his toys

and like rub it in the other penguins' faces and then like slap at it. So yeah, very spicy. But why didn't you name him the Hulk instead of the mild-mannered version of the Hulk Bruce? It turned out, so when he got angry, we would say Bruce came here and we would start preening around his face

and he would calm down and just start preening his back. So it worked out perfectly. Yeah, if an aim broke, don't fix it, I always say and that's another name you can use. Joy, I think we've learned a lot about you. You seem very intelligent and you seem like you're taking very good care of these animals. You have a lot of empathy and you seem a very nice person. So I'm glad you're doing that. care of these animals. You have a whole lot of empathy. And you seem like a very nice person. So I'm glad you're doing that. That's very nice. And yeah.

Yeah. And then, I'm free to come meet the tortoises and see the connection that you can make with our boys. I don't know, I don't like tortoises. We don't hit it off. You got to get out of that hotel room joy because you've been in there for a while.

And do you see the zookeepers party? Oh my gosh, yes. Now we're talking. What do you do? Like fun group. When there's a zookeeper convention, how does it get off Dah-ho? Yeah, how does zookeepers make it?

Oh, come on. Come on. Okay, and so that one, but my husband who runs the poop truck is not gonna like any of those questions. Oh, okay. Your husband runs the poop truck Oh, yeah, he's why come the poop Smith, but yeah, he runs the compost truck So you saw him go buy in a poop truck and you said I got to lock that down Now now we met at the trash compactor of love that's different. Oh

Well anyway, so your husband drives the poop truck at the zoo And is he with you on this convention? No, no, because it's, we spend a lot of time in conferences, like presentations and stuff like that. And then at night, we'll do usually dinner and go out karaoke or whatever. No, or karaoke. If not, for sure.

You guys gonna do some drinking tonight, you think? The zoo convention? There has been throughout the week. I actually have to run home tonight to pack and then fly out for vacation tomorrow morning. Oh, where are you going? Hawaii. Oh, I'm excited. I'm excited. Might see some interesting wildlife out there, you never know.

Hawaiian Monks yields. It's on the list. And the nays. Oh, so when you go on a vacation, you just make a list of the animals you hope you run into. Yeah, partially. So if there's a zoo nearby, so we'll go to Honolulu Zoo. Absolutely. When I go to New York, I have a little list and it just says pigeon on it. I always check it off. Never a wasted trip. All right, Joy. It's been a lot of fun talking to you.

And best of luck. Thanks so much, everyone. You take care. Thank you. Thanks, Joy. Thank you, as well. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley,

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