Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Shaquille O'Neal

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal feels enigmatic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Shaq sits down with Conan to talk about his uniquely philosophical outlook, being yelled at by Charles Barkley’s mother, how he decides which brands to rep, and remembering Kobe. Later, Conan reprimands his assistant Sona over a mistaken order of pens. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Shaquille O'Neal and I feel enigmatic about being Conan O'Brain's friend. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brain Needs a Friend. We have a good show lined up for you today. In fact, I'm going to upgrade it to an excellent show. That's good. Excellent show today. I'm joined as always by the lovely and talented assistant to Conan O'Brain, Sonam Obsessian.

That is so nice. Wow. Feeling generous and I also, I think I'm more protective of you now that you are carrying twins and you have this human life in you. I don't want to lash out at you. I want to be nice to you. Well, how come you didn't want to just be nice to me just to be like a decent person? I don't know.

And then when I give birth, are you going to go back? Yes. The minute those children are out of your body, I'm going to come after you like a rottweiler. I'm sorry. That's the way it works. Once those children have exited your sacred womb, you are back in my sight. There was the potential, but now the children are there. So I just feel like, I'm protective of you now.

Have you noticed that? I'm always saying, when we go someplace, you'll say, I'll go up and get the, you know, your soda or whatever. And I'll be like, I'll go, I'll go. And then you say, no, and I'll go good and I'll sit and you'll go get it. And you'll say, you say it loud enough. So people here, and that way you could say, I offered to stand there for her, but I actually like standing and walking.

So I don't mind it. Sona and I were done with the taping of the show. And we went to an outdoor cafe here in LA. It's a chain called Lemonade. And there's a bunch of people sitting around and people are wearing their masks and, you know, taking them off when they sip or eat, but everyone was being very good. Sona, you know, knew what I wanted. She said, I'll go get the food and she started to go up and I said, let me, let me go.

I'll go get the food and you sit. And you said, no, I like standing and I'm good. You just sit here. And then I waited until Sona got almost to the door to go inside and get the word of the food. And I shouted, Sona, I really think because you're pregnant, you should sit and I should go. And you said, everyone looked around and looked at me.

And then you said, really, it's okay. And you went in and then I shouted, I offered to everybody. I would just love the story that comes out of the like tabloids. Like Conan makes pregnant, assistant, grab him food. And so I think that you were like, I offered it. And I was like, yeah, I think everybody, everyone heard. Yes. And I said, I offered it in this very fake way.

Yeah. I was just covering my legal basis. But yeah, I didn't mind. I actually wanted to, I did. Yeah. No, you like to stand. That's what I keep telling people. Yeah.

Cause I like, if I go home, I just sleep all day. So it's good to not do that. Yeah. I do that and I'm not carrying two human beings inside me. That we know of. I'm just clinically depressed. Yeah. Or that we know of.

Yeah. So what about you? Do you think that you've treated, you treat Sona any differently? She's carrying human life? No, I love and adore Sona regardless of what stage she's in. I respect her as a woman and a human being and lift her up at all times. And I'm covering my legal basis too. Who writes your stuff, Gourley?

My lawyer. Oh God. He's great. He's great. You two are awful in very different ways. Yes. That's the thing I'm always trying to get out there is that I'm awful in an obvious way.

Gourley is truly terrible in insidious quiet ways. No. You know? Yeah. I'm awful just down the middle and you're awful on both extremes. God, that's hard to do. I think I'm the devil who's got horns and a red body and I'm laughing maniacally and flames are licking up around me.

And you're the devil that's more like the blonde candidate, you know, that everyone really likes and you win the election and then someone notices there's a 666. I wish I had that kind of charisma. Oh my God. Are you kidding? I'll take it. I just think as long as we've agreed that you and I are both the quintessence of evil in different ways.

I will not say that I'm the golden boy or Mr. Great or anything like that, but I'm not at your level. Mr. Great's a terrible name. See what I mean? I know. I know myself. Mr. Great. Well, guess what?

Nobody would. That was awful. It's an awful name. That's why I'll never be at your level because I don't have the kind of machinations to get where I need to be with that stuff or you're ready to go with that stuff. I'm not. Yeah, I suppose. You have a gift.

A true artist. Some work in paints, others in clay. I work in hostile cruelties that are flung out at odd angles like shards of shrapnel Yeah. You're like the Jackson Pollock of cruelty, just spurred it out into splatter paintings. But it's not my fault because I'm a troubled alcoholic. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

See, you didn't see that coming. And my work is going to be worth so much more once I'm gone. These podcasts will sell at auction for hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, they could. Do you know about... Are they FNTs? Is that right? NFT.

Do you know about NFTs? Well, apparently you don't know anything about it. You've said it three different ways. Hey, lay off. Do you know about a WD die? About how to hear about it? Stop it. About a bow?

NFTs are non-fungible tokens where we could do a special recorded episode of this podcast that only one person can buy. And it would be a collectible, a digital collection. Let's do that. Okay. Let's do that. We have to get Jeff Bezos hooked on this podcast, right? That's step number one.

Okay. Don't know how we do that. He's writing this down. Step two, we make an episode that's not available to anybody, then we contact Jeff Bezos through back channels. I still don't know what that means. And we tell him the podcast, and it's pocket change for him. It's a paltry $300 million, and he goes like, huh, I do kind of like that podcast.

I wonder what's in that secret one. And we go, wait till you hear Jeff Bezos, and he goes, all right, here's $300 million. I take my cut, and you guys split $50,000. What? That's a huge... No. Wait, what? No.

Oh my God. Well, we'll figure out the details of how you get started later on. No. We figured out before this thing even gets produced. We split it? Wait a minute. Let's stick with this plan. Please stick with this plan.

Okay. This is the sell an exclusive episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and we get a bidding war going between Bezos and Gates. That guy loves to laugh, and we get them just battling it out for the secret unheard episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It could be theirs for the... I mean, they have this in their couch. This is couch change.

Yeah. What did we even talk about? $300 million. We just shit-talk Amazon the whole time. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We shit-talk... And then, no, they finally get it, and it's mostly ads.

That we've sold ads on the episode or something. Yeah. Misinemane. If you want to be able to move and stretch... Magooche. Yeah. You can walk. Magooche.

Magooche. It'd be great if it was mostly ads, but Bezos was like, eh, that kind of sucked, but it was only $300 million. It'll be ads for like a falcon, a gold robot that will do your bidding, made of solid gold, you know, stuff that Bezos won. Yeah, I like that. I like this idea. Can you look into this idea?

Yeah. What's it called? An NFT? NFT. I think I got it right the first time. Non-fungible token. All right. A non-fungible token podcast that will be sold at a private auction to billionaires.

Highest bid takes it. I think we're on to something. But before we do that and make a fortune, we have to get to our guests today. I'm very excited about this. My guest today is a basketball legend. Now, a lot of people, you throw around the term legend. I know people throw it at me all the time, whatever. This really is a legend, this gentleman.

In his 19 seasons in the NBA, he was a 15-time All-Star, three-time NBA Finals MVP, and four-time world champion. Now he's an analyst on the Emmy Award-winning sports show inside the NBA alongside Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Ernie Johnson. I am legitimately really thrilled to talk to this gentleman today. Shaquille O'Neal is here. Welcome Shaq. You feel enigmatic.

Yes. So you're not sure how you feel? Because you're three different people. Okay. How am I three different people? Let's explain that. Keep in mind, all the conans that I meet are fabulous. Yes.

There's the conan that I'm dealing with now. Yes. Professional. Yes. 20, 30 years in this business, top of the food chain when it comes to this style of show. Oh, you're the best. Yes.

Then there's the funniest guy in the world, Conan, where you just come and we all have a script and you just say, forget the script and you steal the show. We've had some good times doing that. No. You've had some good times because I couldn't even get myself to steal the show. Then there's the third conan, the family conan that I used to see at the Beverly Hills Hotel at the diner. Then when I tried to talk to you while you were with your kids, you'd be like, hey, Conan,

you just give me this growl. I never remember growling at you. I think I was... You growled at me one time. I was like, hey, Conan. I think you tried to take my bacon. Sorry. You did.

And I saw the largest hand I've ever seen in the world come into view and try and take my bacon. You got really upset. As a fellow Irishman, you know what bacon means to us. In a formal life, I can tell that you are a werewolf. I'm a vampire, but you're a werewolf. Okay. Let's talk about that.

What makes you think I was a werewolf? Because when I tried to grab your bacon, you tried to... Oh, yes. That's true. That's true. The bacon incident, but also I have a sexuality, almost a, I don't know, wild animal ferocious sexuality. What makes you think, Shaquille?

I wouldn't know nothing about that. No. Well, okay. You shut that down really fast and I appreciate that. I'm really glad. You know, it's so funny because you've had so many great nicknames in your career. The great Shaktis for a while. Yes.

Weren't you the giant shamrock when you were with the Celtics? Everything starts with the big. So it's the big cactus, the big shamrock, the big Aristotle. That's it. Yep. It makes sense to me because, you know, I get to talk to all these people. So far, you have been the most philosophical and interesting in terms of the way you look at the world.

You said, well, I talked to three different Conan's, which one are you talking about? They call you the big Aristotle because you really do have an interesting worldview. You really do think about things in a fascinating way. And this is one thing that I really thought about because I'm in Atlanta, right? So it says that I can go outside right now and I know that LA is on the West Coast, right? Yep. And I can't see LA. So how come when I go outside and look at the moon, when I can see the moon?

So is the moon closer than LA is? Think about that, Conan. Okay. If I go stand outside right now and face west, I cannot see LA, California. But if I go outside and look up and see the moon, the moon is right there. It's right there, Conan. So is the moon the distance from where I'm standing to the moon? Is it closer than the distance from here to LA?

We'll never know. Well, wait a minute. Just because you leaned into the mic and said, we'll never know, doesn't mean we'll never know. And then I could go on and on about the mass of the moon and how, you know, versus the mass relative of the coastline. But you're right. That's what they say, but I don't know because I've never been there.

And then my second thing is I took a lot of cross-country trips, right? And you know how they say the world is like this? When I'm driving in my car, I don't want to suddenly go like this. Oh, wait. Are you going to start to say that the... So you think this is flat? I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying, I've drove from here to California, here to Montana, here to New York.

And not at one time did I do this. Or when I fly to China, not one time did the plane go, whoa. Okay. We'll never know. Yes. Yeah. No, no, no. Okay.

Is this going to be the new podcast with Conan O'Brien and Shaquille O'Neal? We'll never know. Yes. Just saying. Well, no, I know you can just say, I'm just saying, but you are not for real a flat earther. I know you're not. Because I am not. I'm not saying I am.

I just like to talk about theories and discuss them with intelligent people such as yourself, Ms. Sona. That's very nice of you. Movision and my good friend, Matt Gold. I just like to, you know, discuss, you know, certain things. God, you're... Well, first of all, let me tell you something, Shaq. You will never talk to a bigger Lakers fan than Sona Mocessian.

Isn't that true, Sona? The Lakers are very important, not just to me, but to my whole family. And so thank you for everything that you gave us. I mean, it was unbelievable watching you play and, you know, the championships, there was just the best. So this is huge for me, for sure. Well, thank you. I appreciate it.

Is that named Chuck Ossovaki? No, it's Armenian. Armenian. I guess... We'll never know. No, I knew it! I knew it! Damn!

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, man. We're changing the title of this podcast. This podcast, the first of your past personality, Shaq, is such that this podcast, we've done, you know, whatever, 120 episodes. You can come on and in 10 minutes into the first episode, you have changed the title

of the podcast and the whole theme of the podcast, which is, We'll Never Know, a mystery show. You know, what I love about you, Mr. O'Brien, is that you always make people laugh. I told you this before, like, you're one of the best on the fly people I've ever seen in my life. Oh, thank you very much. Like, I've been around you three or four times, and you just... When I say you have me cracking up, like, a lot of people don't...

I laugh at a lot of people, but a lot of people don't have me cracking up. You can just... And like, it's like a rare talent, so I just want to say I appreciate you and I appreciate people. You are a hilarious guy and obviously one of the most talented people ever, so having you say that is so nice. We've done... I'll just explain to people, because I work at Turner and you work at Turner, many times

you and I have been in events and they've asked the both of us to go out there, sometimes with Anderson Cooper. They always have, like, a script, and then you and I decide, no, no, no, we say it as we're... We say it to each other as we're going out to hell with the script. We're not going with the script. So Anderson Cooper will start trying to ask his questions and you and I will just start doing whatever we want to do and it's really fun.

And I think Anderson Cooper's hair when we met him was black and it went white because we freaked him out so many times over the years. It's so much fun. Have you ever bombed doing the improv comedy because I get a lot of offers to just stand up but I am terrified. I've been in a lot of comedy clubs. If that first joke don't go off, you're done for the rest of the night, so... So interesting you said that because you have been...

If I think about holding a basketball and being on national television and a championship is on the line, I immediately soil myself the way a baby would. Very idea of that horrifies me. And so it's so interesting when someone like you, it's like I'm talking to a NASA space pilot who's had to re-enter the atmosphere at just the right angle 35 times or he'll burn up and he does it and he tells me, oh my God, I'm so scared of speaking in public or I'm so scared my joke won't work. So I find that fascinating.

I would think you would fear nothing. So you said a NASA guy had to re-enter space 35 times? I made that up. Okay, because I was going to say, we'll never know. Okay, all right. Listen. That's the last time. I promise.

I'm taking away, I have a referees whistle here and you just used up all year, we'll never know. No, you get one more, you get one more, but you really do, you get, because I've seen you in so many situations, I've seen how people act around you. You can't blend in, you are 35 feet tall and you can't just blend into the crowd. You could not find a person in China, in all of China in the most rural section who doesn't know who you are. You couldn't find anybody on this earth who doesn't know Shaquille O'Neal.

Is that, I see sometimes how people react around you and I think that's got to be tough. One, I don't consider it tough, I consider it lucky, because from zero to 16, well forget zero to 16, from 10 to 16, when I really start playing basketball, nobody know who I was. So then at 16 when I got my first article and said, Cole's O'Neal best in the US. So I went from being a nobody to being the best player, I went through my little arrogant face, my high school teammates, this is what they did to me, which is very brilliant. I went to a high school, 9 through 12 was 289 students, graduation class was 39. So when I thought I was better than, I'd walk on one side of the hall, the whole school

would move to the other side of the hall. I'd go to the lunchroom and sit down, everybody would leave the cafeteria. I'd go to practice and I'd go shoot at one end, all the guys would shoot. So then I was like, okay, it's funny, haha, and then my guys would say, hey man, you didn't get here by yourself. So that stopped me from being arrogant. So really the whole school was in on it. They taught you a lesson.

Yes, the whole school was on it. Two, I realized that I am lucky. And three, I like people, I like meeting people. My childhood was very unorthodox. I'm from Newark, New Jersey. I moved to Hinesville, Georgia. Then I moved to Germany. Then I moved to San Antonio, Texas.

I went to college in Louisiana. So I think I was programmed to be a person that speaks the language of people. I don't see color, I just see people. So when I'm out, I just have to be myself. I remember coming out and meeting all these marketing firms and the guy would say, hey, we have to create an image and my father just slammed us on the table. We don't create no images reality. And I was like, dad, what does that mean?

He said, brother, you can't sell the people something that you're not. So he said, what are you going to sell? Well, I'm funny. He said, you got to sell that. I'm nice. I'm courteous. I'm respectful. You got to sell that.

He said, because if you try to sell yourself as holier than thou, it will catch up with you one day. So ever since day one, I just, you know, been who I am. And if it ever gets to a time where I don't feel like being bothered, I'll just stay in the house and watch Netflix. But most of the time when I'm out, I can never be mean to kids. Like even now, and with the COVID thing, like when kids come up, it's hard for me to say no.

It really is. Yeah. So I love children. I love people. And then I also realized that it's lucky because I haven't played in 11 years and people still know who I am. I'm amazed when I go to the store, little kids grab their mom and go, mom, that's him. That's him.

So I just, I just consider myself lucky. I've had a long run. I got my first article in 1989 and people still know me to this day. Hopefully it doesn't end. Probably end when I, when I purchased this old folks home that I'm looking at and I checked myself in. Is there room for me too? Can I check it with you?

Yes. Yes. You know, I would like to, I would like to live in a retirement home with you. And I think we'd have a really good time. We would. How's the food? How's the food at this, at Shaq's retirement village? The food would be great.

We can leave whenever we want. Oh, I like that. Yes. We can leave whenever we want. Right. Right. It'll be a lot of amenities there. Yeah.

I am ready to go right now. I am ready to go. And I do not want to wait till retirement age. I want to go right now. I'm going to probably check in when I'm 70. Okay. Well, I'm going now. I'll go ahead and I, and you can call me and I'll let you know how it's going.

Because I'm very fascinated by this idea right now. You know what? That, that'll be a hell of a show. Me and you at old folks home for a week. Yeah. Let's pitch that now. Let's pitch that to Netflix. Make people laugh.

Yeah. You know, I can tell because I have seen you so many times and you are, you'll sign every autograph. You're such a lovely person. And I was reading up on you and I get the sense that so much came from, there's your mom and then your stepdad who was very good at laying down the law. You know, is that, is that fair to say? Very good at laying down the law.

He did it in a very unorthodox way. He did it in a tough discipline way. He would probably, if he lived at these times, would probably get in trouble for that. Yeah. But I don't fault him for that. I praise him for that. He passed away about nine years ago. I praise him for that.

Every time I ride around, I look up and I say, thank you. Thank you for being hard on me. Thank you for being tough on me. Thank you for making me a leader and not a follower. He had a high school education, but he wanted me to have a college education. And every time a professional athlete made a mistake, I would get in trouble. You remember Len Bice? Yeah, sure.

So when Len Bice passed away, that was probably my- He was a prospect for the Celtics and it was a huge deal. I'm from Boston. It was a huge deal. Everyone was excited about it. It was such a tragedy, very talented, and I think he was celebrating that he was going to go to the Celtics and be probably one of the best players of the decade. And I think he tried cocaine and it killed him.

So that was my last ass whooping. I hope I can say that on the show. Yes, you can. So my father came in, tears everywhere, enraged, if you ever do drugs, I'll kill you. And I'm like, I don't do that, sir. And he just started grabbing and pushing me around. He's like, I can't believe he did coke. And my young, dumb self, I was like, well, we don't drink coke, daddy.

We drink Pepsi. Oh, my God. Yeah, he was so serious and he was just going, coke, coke. So then after he roughed me up, he sat me down and that's why I never did drugs. I was like, man, did this kid come from the same area I had, he could have been the number one pick. He's going to make a difference for his family and won the stick. Got him that.

And then, you know, the fear I had for my father, I never did that. Every time an athlete did something, every time an athlete went broke, he'd come in, you mother-la-la-la-la-la-la. Oh, my God. Yes. Did any athlete in the world did anything your dad would get mad at you? Yes. And he would always start saying, if you ever, if you ever disrespect a little kid, if you

ever talk back to your coach, if you ever do drugs, if you ever drink and drive, like he would just say, that's why as a kid, I never did any of that, ever. Like I'm 48, I'm probably only drunk four times in my life. Well, actually, didn't your dad catch you, you drank a beer once and your dad caught you, right? And then he'd make me drink a 12 pack to the head. He said, oh, you want to be a soldier? Wow.

He made me stand up. And this is why I hate beer, hate it. Because you had that one 12 pack and you were like, that's it, I don't want it. I think it was, it was 12 or 13, but you'll never know. Okay. That's your last one. That's your last one. That is your last one, sir.

All right. Yes. Okay. All right. One more. How did the influence of your stepdad, has it had an effect on how you've raised your kids? Yes and no.

One, I've never had to discipline my children. I was disciplined because I grew up in a certain area and I was always a follower. Like I can remember one time, I was watching the Hulk, true story, I was watching the Hulk and I was outside, I just felt, I felt strong and I saw these kids messing with a car. So what did I do, ripped the door off, ripped the windshield wipers off, bust the window. I just used to do juvenile delinquent stuff and my father was like, man, you, you're going to be a follower. Somebody tell you, go ride somewhere, you're going to do it, somebody tell you, jump up

bridge, you're going to do it. So I got punished and disciplined because he was trying to stop me from being a follower and wanted me to be a leader. My kids grow up different. Only thing I stress to my kids is education, respect to other people, have fun, work hard and play hard. And the motto of my house is in order to touch daddy's cheese, you have to have three degrees. That's the motto of my house.

We have that rule in my house, but it's about actual cheese. I'm just very, I really say, I really have a thing about my Parmesan. I don't want anyone touching it, but, but I've been lucky. I have six perfect children that understood daddy got to go to work. Like I had a rule in my house on game day, there was a game we played with the kids and I always just tell them, okay, daddy's going to take a nap from 12 to three and whoever makes noise, daddy's going to bite them. So you know, when they were young, daddy would turn into dog man.

So I'd open the door and go, dog man's here and the kids start running, I, then I take them and I act like I'm going to bite them, but I want, I just go, and they would love that. So I would tell them, hey, daddy's going to take a nap from 12 to three if I hear any noise from anybody, dog man will bite you and they'll go, okay, daddy, and they were perfect. They wouldn't make a noise, they wouldn't make a sound and they understood and I have perfect children.

So, you know, when people ask me, do I use detectors that my father used for me or my children, the answer is no, because I don't have to. I mean, it's got to be such a rush to have the phenomenal success and think about what's bigger than the NBA and for you to come in and have that kind of success at such a young age and I don't see how people don't lose their minds and how old were you when you started playing? I started playing at 13. Right.

But in the NBA, how old were you? 19, 20. Yeah. Jesus. I mean. So to, to overcome that, I would always picture my mother sitting watching me on TV. So I said to myself, okay, I got to do everything positive. So when she sees it, she smiles.

I'm a mama's boy and I can tell you're a mama's boy too. So I'm able to stop time and say, okay, before I say this, I do this, will it upset my mother? So that's the first thing that kept me out of trouble. And then every now and then when I don't think and I do something crazy, she'll call me and correct me. Like for example, I was, we've always been broke. So I've never, ever had a lot of toys for Christmas. So even now, Jeff Bezos loves me because I'm Amazon's biggest part.

Whenever I see someone on Amazon, I just buy it. I just buy it. So at one point I had like 65 cars and one day she saw MTV Cribs and she didn't like it. She's like, baby, it's a lot of people out there that don't have jobs and you know, this and that. I don't like you showing your stuff off. So I, I try not to do that as much anymore.

Right. Right. So, you know, she's like baby, but a lot of people can't have a 70 down square foot house with a pool and a four court gym and then and all that stuff. So I don't think it's classy for you to be showing them like that. So like I said, I try not to do that. So I just tried to stay out of trouble because I really have a lot of respect for my mother and I never want to let her down because when, when I was coming up, my dream was to make

true story eight million for 10 years. That's how the money was and I had that I was going to have a little house, I was going to buy my mama house. I was going to buy myself a Jimmy Blazer and one black Mercedes Benz. Well, then when I was coming in college and, you know, learning about inflation and this and that and learning about business and the numbers were different. So when I first came in, it was 40 million. I was like, Oh my God, first thing I got to do, buy my parents house and pay it off in

case I'm one of these knucklehead athletes that go broke and I get my mama house. So my mom didn't want a house. So I said, Hey mom, let's go, let's go house shopping. So I get to this house online. It was a beautiful house. So you like this house and she was like, Oh yeah, I like it. You should do this. You should do that.

It was cool. Now I took the keys and I gave it to her and the tears that, you know, where her and my father's facing. My father, he didn't cry like I just thank you, man. Thank you for listening. So I just always wanted to, you know, make them proud and you know, they always, they always kept it real with me. I would say mission accomplished.

Thank you. You can, you can check that off. I heard, I don't know if it's true, but I heard that you, when you were very young, you went into, was it a Rolls Royce dealership? Yes. You were interested in buying a Rolls Royce and I don't know if it was, I mean, you tell me if this was a racial incident or, or what? I mean, I don't look, I don't, I've lived in South Georgia, I've lived in Texas.

I know what that looks like. I'm not, I'm not sensitive whatsoever. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't always go there. He was an older gentleman and I went in there and see, I like, I like spending money, but I try to be smart about it. Like, for example, I don't need a car for 600,000, right?

I don't. I can afford it, but I don't need it. So I was just looking at every car. How much is this one? 340. How much is this one? 475. How much is this one?

5. So the last one I asked, I guess he got frustrated because one, I had him from sweatpants and some flip flops. I was looking like, I wasn't looking like a guy that just signed a 120 million dollar contract. So then I said, how much is this one? I mean, he just looked, he said, you sure asked a lot of questions. Can you afford it?

Sonny boy? He was older. And then I just said, excuse me? He said, no, you just asked a lot of questions. Can you afford it? And I just said, okay. No problem. Give me that one and that one.

You bought two? Yes. My accountant called me. You spending money? And I was like, shut the hell up. I'm buying these cars. You don't need to. I did.

Yes. I said, no. Here's the problem. Here's the problem, Shaq. Any car dealer listening to this podcast right now is going to be like, that's it. He's going to buy 15 cars. You know, you asked a question about race. Listen, I'm not sensitive.

I had a high school coach who I know loved me, but he was from Texas and I told this story during my Hall of Fame speech. He used to call me big sum bitch all the time. Hey, big sum bitch. Great game, big sum, but that's just how people in Texas talk. But the way he treated me, I know he loved me so, again, listen, I was raised by military drill sergeant living in Georgia, went to school in Louisiana. I done seen it all, heard it all, so nothing you could say or do to my feelings.

And then if my feelings do get hurt, prepare to get your ass whooped. Okay. Well, I just, I just got scared. Y and K. You get loopholes. There's so many loopholes. I feel like I'm in the matrix with you. How old are you, Sona?

I'm 38. 38. I need a list of your products. I thought you were like in your 20s or something. Wow. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Well, I'm, I'm pregnant, so maybe it's like a glow.

Well, congratulations. Shaq, she's pregnant with twins. She's carrying two twin boys right now. I'm jealous. You want, you want to be pregnant, Shaq? No, I want twins. Oh. I got names for you.

Marko and Marcus. Marko and Marcus. Yes. Okay. That would get confusing. No. Wouldn't it? No, Marko and Marcus.

I think if you had a Marko and a Marcus, the kid wouldn't know for 10 minutes which one was in trouble. Okay. What about Mark and Marko? Why do they have to? Why? Because. Why not chip and chop or flip and flop?

I mean. No, because, because, because their nickname would be the M and M boys. Oh. The M and M boys, yes. Did you say why not chip and chop or flip and flop? I don't know. Then they're, okay. I didn't know he was going.

Mark and Marko. You know what? Mark and Marko. You know what? So now I've never known a bigger Lakers fan in my life. This is one of the great Lakers of all time. This is the man. When he tells you the names of your twins, those are the names of your twins.

Yes. I know. I agree. Mark and Marko. That would be nice. It works for me. Absolutely. I don't know if it was your mom or someone's mom intervened because you always conducted

yourself very well on the court. And we're going to get into the subject now of a certain Mr. Charles Barkley. But you and Mr. Barkley had an altercation on the court and you got into it. Maybe a scuffle started, a little bit of a, a little bit of a dust up between you two. And right after the game, you get a phone call. And who's the phone call from? The phone call is from my mother and his mother on three way. What?

I was like, hello? She's like, this mama Barkley, y'all cut that shit out. What? I was like, hello? And then my mom was like, she killed me and, me and Charles' mom on the phone. Y'all need to stop that. You need to go on the hallway. She was like, yes, ma'am.

And then after, after I shook Charles' hand, I called my mom back and was like, how do you know his mom? She's like, oh, we've been best friends for 20 years. Never knew that. Yeah. Charles Barkley and my mom were best friends for 20 years and I never knew that. You didn't know it. So you only find out when you get into a fight on TV with Charles Barkley.

The phone rings after the game and it's Charles' mom and your mom. On three way. On three way. Yes. And they said, you need to stop that out. Boys look up to y'all. You definitely don't need to be fighting. Cut it out.

I don't want to hear nothing. I don't want to see nothing. Don't say nothing in the paper. Go on the hallway and shake his hand and it's over. Oh, my God, I love that. I never disrespect anybody's mom. So when his mom called and said that, I was like, yes, ma'am, yes, mama Barkley. And then, you know, a lot of people, especially when me and Charles have heated conversations,

they think we don't really like each other. But I finally saw his mom and my mom together and they're playing cards and it was the same thing. You know, I'm not playing on spades. They're just, you know, talking trash and having fun. That's hilarious. You saw them actually, they talk trash to each other and then they start to fight and then you guys have to call them up and say, you go out there and you shake hands with

mama Barkley and you just know, no more fighting. They had a great, great relationship. Now Charles likes to go after you. I don't know why. Maybe it's jealousy. He says, I had him on this podcast. I talked to him and he was saying, yeah, well, Shaq has a thin skin and whenever, you know, we're on the air and I disagree with him.

He gets frustrated and says, you don't have any rings. You don't have any championship rings that that's his deep. That's what he goes to. Do you think that's true? I mean, how could you, that's, that's like a guy, that's like a guy that just a regular guy that's funny and has a podcast thinking he's the great Conan O'Brien. Oh my God. I, you know what?

I just, I agree with you. I agree with you. Okay, you, we, we do similar stuff, but when it comes to being the top of the top, Conan O'Brien is top three as always has been. So he's an expert in this space. So because if I have to ask you, how do you know, means I don't believe you. So, you know, he's a great player, one of the top 50, but he really doesn't know what it takes to get to that next level.

And that's why I tell him, I'm like, Hey, you, you over there yelling and screaming and this and that. And you know, you think your word is the law, but no, no, no, no, no, no, you didn't get to the mountain top. Not only did I get to the mountain top, I was the king of the mountain top three times in a row, three generations in a row. I was the king. Shaquillacus, Onilacus.

I ruled the lands of Los Angeles and with iron fists. Do you ever, uh, do you ever put all the rings on and just show them to him? Do you ever do that? No, no, I don't, I don't, but you know, again, so, but you know, we all just look at the game from a, from a different angle, but yeah, yeah. I think people, hopefully they know and understand, I have G 14 classification. I've done it all. I've, you know, I've been on everybody's trying to be, I've been in all those positions.

So, you know, a lot of times when I speak, I just try to speak from facts. And Barkley, I'm just going to be honest with you. When he was on this podcast, he said, uh, Shaq doesn't use icy hot. Shaq, Shaq doesn't know the general. He doesn't, he doesn't go to the general. That's not where he gets his insurance. That's the kind of, that's the kind of shit that this man's talking about when, when he's on, uh, behind your back.

And I thought as a friend to you, I would tell you what this man is saying. Now, first of all, I see hot. Put your thing on mute, Miss, Miss Moveson. Yeah, just cover your ears. Just cover your ears. Trust me, she's heard it all. She was in the Navy till up till about a year ago. Okay, got it.

Okay, so. Don't worry about it. Yeah. We always used to see icy hot in the locker room. And one day I kind of had like a fire bruise and the guy rubbed it, but he rubbed it too hard. So during the game, my, my little guy started getting hot, like really hot, like I thought something was wrong.

And he got to the point where I was like, Hey, man, I think I need to go to, I need a doctor. Like, you know, my, my little guys were on fire. So he's like, Oh, I think I put the icy hot too high. So then he said, all right, you don't have to play the rest of the game. So now I'm going to take a shower. Boy, I thought I was in hell. It gets worse, right?

It gets worse. Yes, it gets worse. So then I'm in there screaming, ah, and there was a Spanish janitor in there and he said, uh, compadre, you got to use milk. I'm like, what? So you got to use milk. I said, what, what, what are you talking about? He said, uh, cap station is hot pepper.

So we Spanish people when we eat hot pepper, the milk comes it down. Yes. Yes. So I said, okay, I gave him some money to go to the thing, milk. So now I'm in a shower, pour milk on my boys and the guys coming in and they're looking at me like, what the hell are you doing? But the milk actually worked. And then when I meet with Icy Hot, I was like, you know what?

It's hot. You guys, this company works. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That is your testimonial for Icy Hot? Yes, it is. Is that your testicles on fire? Yes, it is.

Oh boy. I've never felt the pain like that in my life. You know what they should do? At the end of the commercial, they should put a quick little circle of your head, right? At the end. It's a disclaimer. They just don't put it on your, you know, just don't put it on your junk. And Shack says, you know what I mean?

It's got to have like a little, you know what I mean? Just don't put it, you know where. And that just pops up, right? It did. So then with the general, it was this Bronco II I always used to see in college outside the campus with a for sale sign, $1,400. It was braggarty. So I get the Pell Grant.

The Pell Grant is $2,000. So now I'm like, I'm about to go get this car. I got a car. I need this car. So I go get the car and the guy says, hey, you got some insurance? And I'm like, what the hell is insurance? He says, he says, Shack, I can't let you take this car without insurance. So now I go to all these places, 300 a month, 200 a month.

I'm like, I ain't no way I'm gonna be able to afford this. I may have to go tell this guy I can't afford a car. So then I see this little thing that says to general. And I go into general and they give me a policy, something I could afford. I think it was like $40 a month. I have full coverage. So the reason why I decided to go with the general is because before I became the figure, the character known as Shack, I was just a regular guy who didn't have anything.

And they gave me insurance. So it's a lot more people that are not as big-time as we are. And, you know, they have houses, they have kids, they have bills. They really can't afford the $400, $500 insurance. So they need affordable insurance. So this is why I want to tell them about the general. And this is why I'm with the general. So, you know, a lot of people think I just take these deals just to be taken.

If I have no affiliation with your company, I will not take your money ever. I believe you. And I do think I should get some money from the general now and from Icy Hot because I brought it up on my podcast. Well, I could hook you up. Well, I'd like you to hook me up with someone because this, I get paid for ads. We get paid for ads on this podcast. That's what's going to be feeding Sony's children, right, Sona?

Mark and Marco. Mark and Marco. Or Marco and Marki. Oh, I like that one, too. That's what's going to... I like that one, too. Mortimer and Mortamus. I like that one, too.

Okay, man, you're easy. Max Miliano and Max Miliano Lo. I went too far. It was one too far. I did. I apologize. But, yeah, I think I should get some money because I talked about the general. And Icy Hot, they were both discussed in a very flattering way on this podcast

that goes out to a lot of people. I can hook you up. Speaking of the hookup, I tried to hook Charles up with a commercial. I got Ernie and Kidney in a commercial, but Charles was too big-time for us. Oh, is that true? Yeah, you know, so, you know, we still had a fabulous commercial. Maybe he just, they saw some tape of him and they didn't, maybe they saw his golf swing and they were like, nah.

No, his theory is he doesn't want to be on TV more than twice. What? A year. Yeah, he doesn't like over-exposure. You know, you guys are so good together. You know, I've had the pleasure of being around you guys because we all work for the same company. And I've been around you guys. I'm a huge fan of your show.

The personality, mix of personalities between, you know, you, Kenny Smith, Sir Charles, Ernie Johnson. There's something happening there that I see other shows trying to copy and they can't get it right because what you guys have is real. It's hilarious to watch and also incredibly informative, but it's just great entertainment. I really do think you guys have one of the best group chemistries I've seen on television. And it's not rehearsed. You realize that if we're going to keep you up after 12 o'clock,

you don't want to hear boring stats, so we got to make you laugh. Charles is real quick, just like me and you. You can say something and he doesn't care what he says. That's also an advantage he has. Ernie is quick. Kenny's not that quick. And Ernie is quicker than Charles and myself. And Ernie is the gatekeeper. He'll keep it professional and then he'll let us go out of bounds for a couple of seconds

and then he'll reel us back in. Okay. Well, I have to be, you know, I know you're an honest guy. Charles was not nice to me on this podcast. I'm not going to say that. It's not that he wasn't nice to me. He was very honest. Some would say brutally honest. Wait, you know, Charles, I'm 6'4", you know, about 200 pounds. You know, I work out. I got quick hands.

Couldn't I have made it, I started to say couldn't I've made it in the NBA and he shut me down so fast and so brutally. You could play in this era, not my era. This era, you can play it. Tell me about this. What's different about this era where I could play? And by the way, quick, quick message to everyone out there. You're holding up. What is that? Well, you're tearing a tissue paper.

You're tearing a piece of tissue paper. What does that signify? This era is selfless tissue paper. Yes. What? Well, first of all, I'm going to make it clear to everyone. I'll email it, tweet it out. I said it. So, all right. So what is it about this era? Because I do think...

I don't know. I just, it's just different. I don't know. Well, first of all, I mean, I've seen you guys, that was a brutal physical game that you were playing in the 90s. 80s, 90s, a brutal physical game. Not the same today. And this is all I know. So you want me to watch what we're watching now and praise guys like their great players? I can't do it.

Steph Curry is great. KD is great. LeBron, of course, Harden and all that, but I just can't do it. I don't know. I've seen and looked at the eyes of Michael Jordan coming at you. I've seen Dominique Wilkins as a kid. I've seen Larry Bird in Korean. I've seen the bad boys of Detroit, what they did to the Lakers, what they did to Mike when, you know, a young Michael Jordan.

This is all I know. And my father did a good job of making stuff hard. He never told me how great I was. He didn't tell me, he used to take all my trophies and put them in his house. Like, he let me celebrate him for a while and he'd be like, all right, bring me the trophy. So now that, you know, he's passed away,

I have all my trophies and they're sitting up there. Oh, wow, look at that. Look at that. Yeah, they're all up there. This mission was to, bro, you're not that great. Okay, you won one championship, but Kareem won six. Let me see, go get six tough guy. All right, you got two, you got the little back-to-back. You get the golf clap.

Wow. Get three. Oh, you got three. Okay, you think you're a big man? Get four. Oh, you got traded. No, you got traded. You know, people think you're done.

Let's see what you got, big man. And after I got my fourth and then when I retired, he came in and again said, thank you for listening. And he kind of, he said, I didn't want to be hard on you, but I knew that you could be something special. And I knew that you weren't soft. Because he said when he met me at two years old, he had to discipline me and I didn't cry.

And he knew I wasn't one of those soft babies. Wow. So he didn't want me to follow down, you know, some of the things that he did growing up in New Jersey. Yeah. So he was always going to be hard on me. And I'm thinking for it. And, you know, I also got to give Kareem credit

because they used to always throw in Kareem's face, oh, Shaq's one of the best big men ever. And Kareem will say, he hasn't won a championship yet. And then with Kareem having that G14 classification, I can't, I can't whine and cry about the great Kareem speaking the truth. Yeah. So now when I say some similar stuff to these kids today,

they get all bed out of shape. But before I change, I'll go to Matt Gorley's house and steal all his guitars. He won't get much for them. I'll tell you that much right now. I have a question. Lady Gaga's dog handler. They said it was a dog ring that, is that true?

I mean, is there such thing where people still like those dogs? Those dogs, those dogs, it's a French bulldog. And I think people can get a lot of money for them. It's sad. But yeah, I think there are people. I never knew that. That target. Well, we'll never know.

Wow. You know, it's not how you do it, Matt. Wow. Now, Matt, you don't. How dare you. Well, we'll never know if I did it right. We'll never know. First of all, Matt, you got to lower your voice

and you have to say it slow. You'll never know. You'll never know. And then, Matt, if you want to be really sexy, you got to add the HB. You know what the HB is? No. The homeboy echo.

You'll never know. No. No. That's the homeboy echo. You know, it's funny because you talk about people and it's hard to believe that it's been now a little over a year since Kobe passed and I know that's a very, very painful subject.

But I've always been struck by, you guys didn't always get along, but you have been very honest always about how much you think he helped you, that his presence on the Lakers helped you and pushed you. Wasn't it that we didn't get along? It's just that we didn't agree on everything.

Not agreeing on everything and not getting along is two totally different things. I was probably out of fault for letting people think we didn't like each other. As you know, I'm the master of marketing, so he would say something to his guy, I would respond. I would say something to my guy, he would respond.

And what that did was put all eyes on us, right? Everybody wanted to know, oh, what's the check in Kobe doing? What's the check in Kobe doing? But if you look at it, on the court, he's looking for me and I'm looking for him. Yeah. We were competing against each other so much

that it didn't matter what the other Earthlings were doing. I look at the statute, it has to be like, damn, he got 15, I only got seven? Forget that. I'm shooting the next, it was just, it was like an internal thing. But I always tell people, if you think we had beef, after we were in the first championship

and I raised my arms up, so 30,000 people in that arena. Who's the first guy to jump in my arms? Kobe Bryant. And I have a little brother. I have cousins. I have Charles Barkley. We don't agree all the time,

but we respect each other. People say, well, if you had all overdue again, why don't you do different? Nothing. We won three out of four. I think the story would be better, more compelling if we didn't win. It'll be like, man, they had so much talent,

only if they can get along. We won three in a row. And we went to the finals four out of five years. I'm good with that. And then I do regret not being more communicative. Because I've always been like that. And I kind of say that the guys think the same way that I do. Like, I wake up, I only see my kids 30 minutes.

I got to go to work. I come home, I play with them for an hour. I'm tired. They got to do their homework. Then they got to go to bed. So when I'm done playing, I got to get home. I'm a married man. I got the husband duties.

I got to take care of the kids. I don't, I've seen you guys two, three hours a day. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you guys anymore. I don't know if that's the right mentality, but that's, this is all I have. So we did the special for TNT. It was a great special.

You know, we talked about it. It was actually great. After that, we should have communicated more. But again, I know he was, you know, spending time with his daughter, coaching her team, and his lovely wife and the other kids. I don't like to bother people or don't. But I thought about them all the time.

And then the day that it happened, I'm downstairs working my son out. And my other son comes in, he's crying. I'm bawling crying. And I'm at, I'm at a shot because I'm like, why are you crying? Grandma okay? Mama okay?

You're like, what's going on? And I said, hey man, what's wrong? And then he kind of just gave me a hug and he showed me the phone and I saw it. So I just, I just lose it. And it takes a lot for me to lose it because I'm like, now I'm like, oh my God, I didn't, like, I didn't get to say nothing to him.

I didn't get to see him. But when's the last time I seen him? Boom, boom, boom. So now I say, you know what? Hold on. Let me make sure it's credible. So as soon as I walk up steps, ex-wife called crying. Daughter called crying.

Mom called crying. I called right away. I talked to his sisters. They were crying. And then it just, it hit me in there. That was like the two days where I'm like, I should have reached out. Yeah.

I should have reached out. So that's the only thing. But I do think, I think we all have some of that feeling in that situation. I really do. I think that's a very normal reaction because we're all so busy in life. We're all, you know, and that when something like this

happens, which it's not supposed, that just wasn't supposed to happen. It was just a terrible, crazy tragedy. But I don't think you can put that on yourself. Because it was already overwhelming because my sister had passed away a couple months before. Yeah, I know. And I only got to see her four times that year

because I'm working so hard. And then my family is the type not to tell me when stuff is going all the way wrong. Yeah. So she had cancer twice previous and beat it. So when she got it this time, I'm like, she'll beat it. We got the best doctor.

She'll beat it. But nobody told me it was stage four. Yeah. So that really killed me. And it still kills me to this day. I don't really get a lot of sleep. Just thinking about that. I have a picture collage of her.

It's like 40 different pictures. And every day before I go to bed, I'll just look at one picture and then just go back. So I was already having that feeling of I should, I should, I should. And then it happened again. I'm sorry. I have to say that I live in Los Angeles,

as does Matt Sonoway. I live in Los Angeles and you drive around LA and you can't drive five feet without seeing a giant mural of Kobe or Kobe and his daughter. And he's got a halo or he's... It's very like he's a saint here, but it's very different for you

because you knew him as a person and someone you worked with and someone who was your friend and someone you guys, you guys went through a lot of intense stuff together. And for everyone else, it's a different relationship for you. It's this very personal connection.

And I think for 99.99999% of the planet, it was someone who they just experienced through their fame. So they have grief, it's different than your grief, you know? Yep. And I try to talk to his, I try to talk to his mom, dad and sisters at least once a month.

Yeah. Just to say hi, just let them know. Because I'm going through pain, their pain isn't many times way more. And Vanessa, their pain is way more than the pain I'm going through. Yeah. Well, I think,

when I think about this last year, I think about it almost starting with hearing about Kobe's death and then almost immediately into COVID and one thing after another. And I've come out, now we're almost, we're over a year later. It just keeps reminding me

that life is something we're so lucky to have. Yes, it is. That I'm trying to take that away from this last year is that it's what we started with, which is we're so lucky. We're just lucky people. And we have to try and share that with everyone around us.

And be grateful that it's a year later and we're still here. Are you guys in a guitar club or something? You can see, all right, this is what I'm going to point out. You know, this feels like, it feels like when you're logging into something and like the security thing,

how many guitars do you see? Yeah. I like, yeah. You know, I forgot that. One, two, three, four, five. She has one. I think it's six. Look at this.

I got one, two. Oh, see? Seven. Oh, geez. Oh my God. Yeah, so. Mine's not a real guitar. It's just a shelf.

Okay, got it. Yeah. So I'm not as cool as these guys. Maybe you're cooler because it's cooler to have a guitar shelf, you know, in my opinion. Listen, I know that you are, I don't want to keep you any longer a shack, but I have to say you have been nothing but delightful

and kind to me since the first time I met you. All the time you were playing basketball and anytime you've been a guest or I've shared a stage with you, you put on a show. It's amazing. I think more, almost more than anybody I know,

you get the attention of everybody watching and you give them what they want to see in a way that's a real boy. You know what? Why? Because I got to make you look good on that. No, seriously. No, no.

That's true. That's true. Like, think about it. So let's just say you booked me and I was a terrible guest. That's going to have, that's going to have an effect on you and your ratings and not on my watch. Yeah.

If the great Conan O'Brien invites me to his show, we both kind of put on a show so people can continue to say, man, Conan's podcast, Conan's show is a top show. It's my job and my duty to help you stay at that level. Because guess what? When I used to watch you, you used to make me laugh.

You helped me stay at that level. So I always try to reciprocate to my favorite people what they've done for me. So you're saying I'm responsible for your four championships in some way? Yes. Every superstar in LA has a piece of that corporation that made Shaq Dominic.

You, Jack, Adam, Denzel, his lovely wife, Diane Carroll, Kenny Marshall. Like when I sit out and I'm not thinking about basketball and I'm watching TV, you guys have done so much for me. You helped keep me at a joyous place. So when I was on the court, I had to reciprocate the favor.

So how can I be on the show with the great Conan O'Brien and not deliver? That's not on my watch. Not on your watch. Wow. I guess coming on this podcast was such a huge responsibility and strain for you. Of course it is.

Well, you were sweating this one today, weren't you? I was because if we had a bad show, you'll never know. Okay. Okay. Shaquille O'Neal, seriously, I am blessed to know you and to experience your just delight firsthand. So thank you so much.

You are a class act and a great guy. Anytime. No problem. And I will talk to you soon. All right. See you soon. Bye, Aaron. Take care.

Bye, Jen. Bye. Bye, Matt Gorley. All right. We'll talk to you. Finally, a shout out for Matt Gorley. Bye, Shaq. All right, bye, bye, bye.

All right. Every now and then, Sona and I will be talking and there's a lot of joking around back and forth but I sense that I really got her mad and I don't even mean to do it. And last week, I was talking to Sona about my favorite pen.

My favorite pen is, and this is not an ad. I'm not getting paid. It's the Pilot Precise Grip Rolling Ball. Black pen. I have them right here. My blood is boiling. And so just before the pandemic hit,

I said to Sona and I sent over the specs. I know I did. And I think Sona said, I think Sona said, I'm not sure I think she was said like, yeah, the same pen we always get. I got it. So I think you fobbed it off on someone.

The next thing I knew, you remembered you handed me a bag of pens. This was just before the pandemic hit and I put them up in my... A year ago. A year ago. Sorry. One year ago.

But there's a reason for this. So then the pandemic hits and for a while there's real lockdown and we're there and I run out of my trusty pens but I go, I don't worry, Sona took good care of me.

She got me just what I need. They're in that bag upstairs and I go upstairs and I take them out and I start writing on them and it's a pilot, precise grip, rolling ball,

fine. Oh God. Not bold. Oh my God. Yes. And I knew that Goorley would take my side on this because you're a persnickety, you're just a persnickety little Simon.

I know you are. And I, about pens, I doodle, I draw, I'm constantly writing, it has to be the right pen and I hate a fine point pen. I hate a fine,

I hate a pen that's stingy with ink. And boy, that pilot pen was so stingy with ink, the pen was looking up at me, the pen was looking up at me every time I went to use it, it was going like, I'll never run out.

I'm inadequate, but I'll last forever. And it would scratch, and it would scratch up the paper, scratch it up, scratch, scratch, scratch,

and I thought, oh my God, this pencil, so I open the next box. Same kind, same kind, same kind. The house was flooded. You cornered the market

on this shitty fine miserly pen, so miserly. Can I talk now? Can I please, can I please talk? And I was like, what is this? Hold on,

so then I go on the internet and I decide, I don't have to, I must take action myself. I must leave my... Oh God forbid you buy your own pens. I'm, do you realize how terrifying this is

for a celebrity? You have no idea, Sona. This was a horrifying experience for me. I opened my laptop by myself, which I've never done, and I went on this thing called Amazon, and I found what I wanted

and they said, do you want it in fine? Or would you like it in bold? And I said, I'd like it in bold. And they said, you can have as many as you want. How many do you want?

I'd like three boxes, please. It'll be there in five minutes. Bang. So all I did was come into work and go see this pen, Sona. And I drew with it and I went, it's so much better than the pen

you got me a year ago. Remember, bold, not fine. You blew a fuse. Oh my God. Okay, can I speak now? You blew a fuse.

I'm going to speak now. First of all, you're making it seem as though you were like, ah, and I just like, I was like, oh, I wanted a bold and you gave me fine. You texted me on a Sunday in the middle of the week.

Yeah. And on a weekend and you started basically being like, I don't know who got me fine tip pen, but I use bold. And I, it was so long ago that we got you these pens and it wasn't right before the pandemic.

It was like, I want to say at least a year and a half ago. And we gave you the pens and also whose fault is it that you didn't look at them to make sure that they were the ones that you like. Oh no, no, no. You can't say. Oh yeah, yeah.

It's your fault, sir, that you were, sir, you tolerated the bad medical care. Order. It's your fault. Order. It's your fault, sir. You wanted bold?

Bro. Order. I won't have this in my courtroom. Listen, go on. Thank you, Matt. Matt was holding up his pens because just like you, he has his own pens.

I'll use anything that writes. But I'm not a monster. I wouldn't expect anybody else to recognize that like the pen persnickettiness. Can I read you the exchange? Oh, here we go. This is how long this goes on. Quick, unimportant note.

I said unimportant. Yeah. I just ordered more pens for myself and remembered that the last big batch someone ordered was incorrect. I like pilot precise script bold. Oh, my God. And the last...

It's the fact that you said it's unimportant that makes it scarier because you're not joking around. And then you should see the size of this paragraph. I say unimportant note and then this paragraph looks like at least three sections of the U.S. Constitution. I like precise script bold

and the last batch was fine point. Sounds irrelevant, but it makes a big difference. So I've been giving them away. We won't need to get more for a long time because I just ordered a lot, but given the pandemic and my mental state, this felt like a worthwhile use of my time.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got that. Hold it. Hold it. This is good. Listen up. Then Sona says, okay, are you keeping the pens at home? You're going to bring them to the theater.

And I said, I'm going to keep them at home. And then my next text says, they're mine, all mine. And then Sona writes back, yes, they are yours. No one else's. Then I sent her the link. I sent her the link to the actual correct pen on Amazon. And I write bold, baby. And then in all caps, bold.

And then I say, then I blame it on some young people. No. And then there's a part where I give it to you, like crushed it. Don't forget that part. Cause that's what. Oh, that's what. Listen to this. Listen to this.

So I go bold, baby, bold. And then I say, this is the worst thing to happen to anyone in the last year. To Sona. Oh, God. I bought you pens like once a million years ago. And I don't think we got more. This sounds like a Conan mistake.

If you're going to be honest here. Oh, it's branded. And then she said, I know you like playing the blame game, but maybe you bought the wrong ones off Amazon. Maybe we look inward. Oh, yes. Maybe we look inward says Sona. And then I can't let it go.

And I said, yes, this is a Sunday. And I think, I think my kids were upstairs going, father, can you come say good night? No, I'm not done working yet. Then I said, I remember well, Sona. I asked for more and you gave the task to someone else and they brought the wrong ones. You gave them to me.

They were in a bag. You acted like nailed it. I looked in the bag and assumed they were the right ones. Then I tried to write with one and it was like scratching with a nail. So that's why today for the first time I ordered them off Amazon. And then I wrote mic drop. And then I said, and then I said, not your mic drop, my mic drop.

And then, then she goes, if I go into your Amazon orders history and see you ordered pens a long time ago that were fine, they will never let you forget it. And then I can't let it go. I go, I remember you gave them to me in a bag. So why would I order them to the office? Answer, I wouldn't check if you like, but you won't like what you find.

It goes on from there. It gets a little dark. It went on way too long. Well, like other exchanges, here's the one thing. There's a weird madness at work here, which is yes, I do care about the tip of the pen. But once I get started with Sona and she gets started with me, I can't stop and she can't stop.

And it's an out of control nuclear arms race where I can't be the, I can't let her be the last one to write about the pens and she can't let me be the last one to write about the pens. And the truth is I didn't care about the pens anymore. You can, I think I used up four screens of texting space to make these wild insane accusations about the pens. Sona's telling me I need to do serious work looking inside myself. Inward.

Inward. I think we look inward. I was resting. I think I was watching the Great British Baking Show and I was just relaxing on the couch. And then when you texted me, there was a level of fury that just came out of me and I remember Tak was like, Hey, what are we going to do for dinner?

I'm like, no, no, I'm busy. And you know what's crazy? You're carrying life. You're carrying twins. And I'm getting your blood pressure up about the precise grip rolling ball. I know. Think of Mark and Marco.

No one presses my buttons like Conan O'Brien. And that's the thing too is I knew that I had gotten to you with the pens. Once Sona turns, goes, goes full mad bull, I have to, I just have to go for it. And I did look in your Amazon history and they were not there. Meaning I didn't make the mistake. Yes.

I probably, but it was so long ago that I forgot about it. Yeah. If someone makes a mistake a long time ago, I guess it's not a mistake. I think there's a statute of limitations. I don't think you can bring up something that someone purchased like a year and a half later. Yeah.

It's the wrong kind. Yeah. Yeah. Like Booth shot Lincoln like 150 years ago. Okay. Did he really do anything wrong? It was a long time ago. Yeah.

The president getting assassinated is the same as you getting fine pens instead of bold pens. Matt, I know you're a persnickety. Do you like a fine tipped pen? I'm a medium guy. I'm a uniball vision, but I have to say I didn't even know the name of these. I just know I like them.

I don't think I'm quite at your level. See, I'm constantly drawing these little people. Yeah. I'm drawing too. Look what I drew during the office ladies. Wow. Look at that. Why am I here?

Why am I here? All right. Well, I think we should move on. Let's drop this and let's move boldly into the future. All right. All right. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Eewall.