Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Shawshank O’Brien

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Conan talks with Walt in North Carolina about what it’s like to work on death row and how Conan would fare as a prison warden. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hey! Hello, Lord. I know you. Walt, you scared us.

You're so close. You guys look great. Hi, Sylla. Hi, Gordly. Hi. Hi, Walt. Hey, Walt. First of all, you did frighten us because you're on a Zoom

and you're very close to the camera and you have piercing maniacal eyes. Yes, that's all true. And so suddenly you just appeared and we were, I was stunned. I was shocked. But now I'm accustomed to your gaze and tell us about yourself.

Walt, where are you right now? I am in my nerdy office in North Carolina, living Raleigh. Okay. I love the Carolinas. I love me a South Carolina. I love me a North Carolina. I'll be honest with you.

They're both pretty good. West Carolina can go fuck itself. Yeah. West Carolina. I have no, no patience for West Carolina and don't even get me started on East Carolina. Man, I wouldn't touch you with a 10-foot pole. Those people have to pay for what they did.

They know what they did. Walt, tell us about yourself. What do you do? I would love to. I work in the only maximum security prison in North Carolina and I actually work on Death Row. Oh. You're kidding.

Yeah, no. I'm certainly not. So you're a correctional officer. You're not a convict. I just want to be clear. I haven't been caught yet. No, yeah. Nothing caught.

I'm on the other side of the bars. This is intense. We haven't executed since 2006. So there's a moratorium, but every once in a while we get a new prisoner or we have to babysit. Okay. Wow. I'm taking this in right now.

I, you know, man, to be around people and you see them every day, you said there have been no executions in quite a long time. Right. But still, that is a heavy mood that you're going into every day or is it somehow strangely not?

I'm just, I don't know. I'm so glad you asked that question. Yeah, it's bizarre because actually the mood is not as doom and gloom as you might think. We certainly try to keep it real positive, you know, amongst our very small staff. But, you know, for the most part, these guys are really used to being in jail.

They've been there for 25, 30 years. A lot of times they're just watching TV or playing board games or Dungeons & Dragons and, you know, I'm in there. I didn't realize my son was on death row. You just described his existence to a tee and we serve him meals through bars on a tray. Oh, well, it sounds like you're doing it right.

You know, the hardest part is usually just trying to contain, like, the Joker and Mr. Freeze and the Penguin. They all have their hostels. They don't get, there's no death row for those guys. They just keep coming back. So, I don't think in Gotham City there's any death row. Oh, I'm curious.

So, you say you try and keep it positive and for the most part, people find a way to exist. I guess humans can find, human beings find a way to exist in almost any situation. So, and probably a lot of them are thinking this isn't really going to happen for me. Is that right? This sentence won't really be carried out.

Is that possibly true? I think you're exactly right there. You know, the process takes such a long time. A lot of them are still, you know, going through the appeals process and it doesn't seem real to them. Pretty much my entire imprint of what it's like in the criminal justice system,

in the penal system, was formed by two movies, Papillon and the Shawshank Redemption. So, that's why you don't fit. Yes, the stereotype is the sadistic guy who almost enjoys learning it over these other people who are, you know, in prison and then you seem like a guy

that enjoys a micro-brew from time to time. Oh, fosters, man. Fosters. That's the jam right there. Yeah, and probably, yeah, you seem like a refined gentleman. Thank you. And you seem like a, you seem, am I right, guys?

This does not... Yeah, you saw it very nice. I like your hat. Yeah, you got it. And you've got sort of a little bit of a hipster vibe. Like, you're a hipster that works on death row. Are you working on death row, ironically? I don't think so.

Nobody's ever asked, is it the sweater? Yeah, you've got a little bit of... And trust me, and you've got a little bit... Well, you've got a little, like, a goatee beard. Yeah. And you look like a guy who, if I went to, like, a very cool hipster bar where they make their own gin,

and it's sort of made up to look like it's a speakeasy, but it's not, and it got written up in all the cool magazines, that you would work there behind the counter. Yeah. And you would make me a really cool cocktail from 1822, and you'd know exactly how to make it. That's the impression I'm getting just talking to you.

I... Just from your look and from your manner. I'll tell you what, I think I appreciate all of that. I think that's good. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. Like you would play Frisbee Golf.

Like we would play Frisbee Golf together. Can Jim. Yeah. Yeah. Can Jim. What's can Jim? You've never played can Jim. I went to the...

The United States... The... Man, I'm losing my words right now, but yeah, I went to one of the championships. It's very easy. It's just a Frisbee, kind of like Frisbee basketball. Yes.

Yeah. Well, it's called the Can Jim Whammy Jam. Yeah. Everyone knows about that. I believe that's right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you're absolutely right. I don't even know what...

I think you're going to be a hipster. No. Oh, please no. You should talk to some of them. You're just fine. I don't even know what that is. You throw a Frisbee in a garbage can. That's pretty much the game.

There's a little slot. Can we just call it that from now on? Just say let's go... Trash Can Frisbee. Yeah, let's go play Trash Can Frisbee. Just stop calling it Can Jam. Yeah. Listen, do you ever feel like you're in danger on your job?

I mean, you're working around people, 156 people who are hardened criminals. Do you ever feel in danger? More so recently, nationally, especially with coronavirus, we're having such a hard time. I mean, we're nearing the point where we're 50% understaffed. Yes, I've been reading a lot about this. I mean, this is not obviously a humorous topic, but I just have to ask you because it's a national story that any institution that requires on a lot of people to, whether it's a hospital or a penal facility, and schools, they're really understaffed.

And you particularly are working with people that might think, hey, I've got nothing to lose. This might be a chance to get out of here. So do you feel like these are extra stressful times? Absolutely, yeah. It's been a little tougher recently. Again, I don't want to be too much of a downer, but yeah, we're starting to worry about it a little bit more. There's been a little bit of a rise in violence.

And we hire people, but they don't stay for very long. So I think the problem is both hiring and retention because we are a little bit nervous. We just don't have enough people. There's things we can do, but it's tough. Yeah, I think it's okay. I think it's almost irresponsible to... I mean, we just found out that you work on a death row and to just say like, hey, this isn't...

We've got to keep this light. I think it's irresponsible, almost. I mean, to keep it light for the entire conversation because I hope you're being careful. I worry about you and I also sympathize with the people that are in that situation. I think that's... People who are incarcerated, I just... I think human beings are, I don't know, it's obviously case by case, but I take no pleasure in the fact that people are locked away like that.

I think it's pretty grim. I'm so glad you said that. Yeah, I mean... But the fact that you're bringing humanity to it and you seem like a nice person and this job obviously hasn't turned you into... You haven't crusted over or lost your sense of fun and wanting to connect with these people. I think is really admirable. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I have some great mentors. There's only four of us, but Mr. Lewis and Mr. Woolard, they've been there for a very long time. And yeah, we kind of get each other's backs. I mean, we're always making sure that everybody's doing well mentally and we take time when we need to take time because really, those are some big problems. Some anxiety and depression and working in the prison system. So we're doing everything we can.

I think we're doing a good job. Good. Definitely sounds like you are. Tell me a little bit about, okay, you're there, you're at the prison, but now it's time to go home. What do you do to chill? What do you do to relax? You go back to your house.

Are you able to leave work at home? That's actually a funny joke. You better leave work at home. I can't help it. I take the murderers with me sometimes and then I get in trouble and they get away and we have to recapture them. No, are you able to leave it behind you? Yeah, I mean, I wish I could work from home, but it doesn't work like that.

Yeah, very hard to police. It'd be so crazy if you were like policing people on Zoom. Guys, I trusted you. I trusted you. No. Here's Peter. Peter's not in his Zoom square and there's a rope going out the window. He got away.

Peter, that's not cool. Peter, this is just a pillow in a jumpsuit right now. That's right. You get on Zoom and there's a pillow with a happy face on it. No one in the pillow. Peter, that doesn't look like you. You've got a bad connection. I got the pillow filter on.

That's all. No, they're getting into this. Who's talking? Yeah. I know. I don't know why. You know what? In my scenario, see, this is how stupid I am.

In my scenario, I'm the prisoner. I set up the pillow, drew a face on it, but then one insisted on doing the voice. So I stayed in the prison cell. You still did the spoon tunnel. I dug the whole tunnel at seven miles long through concrete with one spoon. But I stayed behind because I couldn't give up the chance to maneuver the pillow with the smiley face and go, ah, yeah, Walter, everything's good in the cell. You auditioned the other prisoners and they just weren't good enough for you.

I tried to find a better voice and I had people offer to do it. I'm like, no, I want it to have more of this kind of voice. Ah, yeah. So anyway, so I, the truth is. Don't take it the wrong way. I think you'd be great as an inmate. I love that I don't take my chance to escape. I'm mad.

Forget it. I'll do it. I guess I just won't escape. Forget it. I'll do it. I just won't escape. Okay, assholes. I wish some of you had taken some voiceover lessons, but no, you're all busy with your

crimes. Anyway, here we go. I'm going to pretend to be on Zoom. Hi there. And all the other prisoners escape out your hole. Yeah. While I'm doing it, they all get out the hole. Yeah.

And I'm like, well, thanks a lot, guys. That shows a lot of trust. But then Walt's like, hey, Conan, I like the voice you did for the pillow. Did you? Wonderful. Yeah. I really loved that. I really, I thought I made a good choice.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate you not escaping. You know, coming back. You saved my job. Well, I'm really glad. It sounds like you're managing well and that you're doing an admirable job. So I do appreciate.

Like anything, any way I can help you, how can I help you? Well, you know, we could definitely use another guard for sure. If you want to be a corrections officer, you know, we need somebody that looks like Mech Shrek in Nosferatu with a wig. Absolutely wonderful. Wow. You're a tall guy. No, you're a tall guy.

You're in good shape. You look great. Well, thank you. I try to take care of myself. I'm a six foot four gentleman. And when the hair is working, I'm like six, six. There you go. That two inches of lift.

I think there would be problems. I think first of all, I would be obsessed with doing bits for the prisoners. They would love it. Oh, I'd be on the intercom the whole time. Oh, no. Yeah. Doing like this just in when the wacky news, you know, I'm Walter Crencase. I would just be doing bits.

Oh, no. I've been doing bits. I've been doing wacky news. Oh, no. I've been doing bits the whole time. Oh, God, I'd be the worst. I would be the worst. I think I would be an entertaining warden, but a very inefficient warden, and I wouldn't

live long. Well, you got a good step. We'll keep you safe. All right. Well, this was really, well, I have to say, I did. I, we actually, it's incredible. We've had my favorite conversations are the ones where you're laughing, you're having a hard time, and then you, you things take a turn as they should.

And then somehow we ended up laughing again. But I do, I do have, I have a lot of respect for you and, and your coworkers. I think that's got to be a tough job at times and especially now during COVID. And this sounds weird, but say hello to the inmates for me. I sure will. I'm very, I've told them very popular in prisons. A lot of them are asking about you. Not a lot.

Well, time to come visit. Wait a minute. Hold on. Maybe not. Tony, can I tell you too that I absolutely loved you on murderville. Wait a minute. Hold on. Maybe not.

Tony, can I tell you too that I absolutely loved you on murderville. Oh, hey, thank you. I just saw it. It was absolutely wonderful. I want to know how to make a slotherita. I mean, I guess. Jesus, I had a lot of fun on murderville. I knew nothing about it.

Of course, if, if anyone else had asked me, I probably would have said, you know, I'm busy. I want to spend time with my family, but it's Will Arnett, who's one of my favorite funny people. And he called and he said, the idea is, you know, you don't know what's going on and we make a fool out of you. And I said, sign, sign, sign me up. And I really did enjoy it and it's, it's been nice because I keep hearing from people

who've enjoyed the episode. Um, yeah, well, uh, listen, Walt, it's been really nice talking to you. Be safe. Take care. I'm, I hope you guys all make it through COVID safely. And um, thank you. Thanks for being a fan. That's really cool.

Yeah, you guys are the best. Thank you for everything. Thanks, Walt. You too. Thank you too, Walt. Take care. Take care. Bye guys.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joe Anasola-Taroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf, music by Jimmy Vivino, supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And it says, Vim, a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.