Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Stephen Colbert Live at the Beacon Theater

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Stephen Colbert feels put upon about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Stephen sits down with Conan live at the Beacon Theater to discuss dalliances in Italy, playing the egomaniac, and visiting an airbase in northern Greenland. Plus, Conan answers audience questions about being a lumberjack, his favorite sounds, what he’d put in his museum, and more. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. 

Music Fall is here, hear the yeah, back to school Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Music Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conan O'Brien

Music Hey! Hey, how are you? Thank you very much! Shiba inu, thank you, hey, New York! How you doing? Yes! Thank you, it has been...

It has been way too long, it is fantastic to be back here We are recording live tonight at the Beacon Theatre Ladies and gentlemen, keep doing rock, sea! This is absolutely incredible, I have so many memories of the Beacon Theatre I did my 10th anniversary show for the late night program in the Beacon Theatre And this blew my mind today, I remembered that on that day My wife was pregnant with my first child When we recorded that show, this is a mindblower

It is my daughter, she is now 47 years old She is an admiral in the Navy She fired on Italy like an hour ago for no reason She is a terrible admiral, but it is incredible Incredible what happens I can't believe that I have taken this journey here today I also can't believe I noticed this just before the show I threw on this jacket and then I am looking in a mirror just before I go on

And I realized that I put on a denim jacket with jeans Let me promise you something, that was not intentional I was going to wear a different jacket, a black one So there is just sort of a little bit of a clash, you know And I put this on and I looked in the mirror literally as Jimmy was playing And I said, Conan, you look like a soybean farmer Who did pretty well in Bitcoin, doesn't that what it... I love being back in New York

There is an energy here that you cannot get in Los Angeles You are going to prove it tonight But one of the things that is so amazing about being here This is a true story, this happened to me yesterday I was in midtown and I was walking along And there was a gentleman who was, I want to say Almost two thirds of a block away from me Quite a distance and he is looking at me and I am walking

And he goes, no joke, this is true Celebrity! Celebrity! Celebrity! And he is where I am going I am going to my hotel and he is like right near my hotel Closer and closer, didn't change his pitch as I got closer Celebrity! Celebrity!

Celebrity! And I got really close and I said, Conan And he went, Conan And I went, yeah And I start to walk into the hotel and he yells to his friend Celebrity! My name and nothing to him He didn't care

He was telling people, I saw Jane Lynch She is tall And beautiful Quick shout out, I was walking the streets of New York I believe it was yesterday Or maybe it was even today, I don't remember I've been doing a lot of crazy stuff Taking all kinds of pills

And I, this young woman came up to me And she was so nice and she said, I'm going to see you at your show tonight She said, my name is Devin I said, I'll see you there and she said, I have nosebleed seats Devin, are you here? No You, you, you assholes I'm sorry, I know that's rough language but

Yeah, me, I'm Devin The real Devin, come on Are you there somewhere? Okay, screw it, forget it She's back there but too many people are like, I'm going to get a car Conan's going to do that Oprah thing where I get a car So I'm just going to say, I'm Devin and he's got to prove I'm not Devin Which is, no one's getting a car tonight

You're not getting a car But you are going to get an incredible show We're going to have an amazing program tonight Really good time And as you know I am not the only part of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend Oh, I know I should be I read the mail, okay

We've tried to move them out and they won't go No, I kid, I kid to quote the great triumph, I kid They are two wonderful people and they make this thing hum And they also humanize me, which is not easy to do Let's get them out here right now My good friends, my assistant who does nothing Sonam Obsession and Matt Barley! You know what, I forgot and I just remembered it right now

That Sona, you walked out and you hugged me and you went It's a lot of people And I forgot, you're not really in show business No, I'm not, I don't know why I'm here This is not what you've never done this before in the podcast No, this was not my goal What the hell was your goal, by the way? You know what, it was not having a goal was my goal

And I think I crushed it I can't believe you wrote a book that was on the New York Times bestseller list Pretty much detailing how you did no work for me and screwed me over for many years And people are reading it like a how-to manual And then they wonder why is the economy in the shitter right now It's because the most popular book in America right now is Sonam Obsession's Get High at Work Watch porn if you can and make a fool out of your boss And you know what, in my defense, you wrote the forward

So who's the fool here, right guy? I suppose I'm the fool here Mr. Gorley, how are you? I'm well, I'm good Matt, you've said that people who just listened to the podcast When they finally see what you look like, if they look at one of the clips online They're surprised they expect you to look differently Why is that, do you think?

Well, I think because you painted me as a buffoon, a fool, a penny-farthing, writing 20-year-old When in fact I am just as solid dad And I mean like a 10 on the dad level, but dad level itself is at a 2 And how are you doing these days? You've got a newborn, Sona, you've got newborns Both of you have been living under this incredible stretch We're not newborns anymore Toddlers I think anyone under 40 is a newborn

Oh wait, so I am young That is my perspective I was walking down the street today, I think it was on Madison Avenue And there was one of those really fancy shops where they, someone stands out and they hand you If you've ever had this happen too, they hand you like a little free sample of a cream you can put on your face And what they do is they then try and say, come on into the fancy store Friend, you got scammed Yeah, that never happened, I don't know what you're talking about

I woke up, I had no clothing Yeah I was wearing a World War I German helmet And when you left, they only gave you denim Yeah Alright, shut up No, I didn't ask for anything, I was walking along as I keep telling them I get assaulted by people on the street, that's what happens in New York, it's so fascinating

And I was walking along and this woman said, she said, oh, here, I think she was from Spain And she said, oh, please take this free sample of a cream you can put It's a very fancy place, like on Madison or Fifth, whatever And I said, oh, thanks a lot, and I tried to go and she goes, no, no, oh, oh, oh, oh You'd look so good with this one cream, hold on So she starts to put this cream on my face No Yes, she starts to put a cream on my face

Because I'm a go along to get along guy Oh, guy But then she starts to go like this, she's very young and she goes, you probably want a lot of help under your eyes, right? What? And I said, I don't know, what do you think? She's like, yes, oh, and the sides of your face, hmm I'm like, I didn't ask for any of this And I'm ten minutes past celebrity guy, you know

I'm just being ridiculed and humiliated That's not fair, and that's coming from me, who likes to see you taken down a match or two I just don't think you should put random cream on your face that someone in there like, what if it's jizz? Excuse me, Sona, what is jizz? Can you explain to the audience? Well, jizz is semen, what if someone jizzed in a bottle and then was like, let's put this on your face And you're like, oh, thank you, thank you for this, thank you for this delightful Spanish cream Yeah Conan, do you have jizz on your face right now?

You're wearing all denim and you have jizz on your face You've been in some kind of Canadian porno movie Welcome to New York! I've worked so hard for entire career To build up, to be able to come and play a prestigious room like the Beacon Theater It's a shrine to comedy and music in New York City And you do that, Sona I always go back to jizz

And you do it with joy Yeah, all roads lead back to jizz I'm sorry, I always do that I should, I apologize Yeah, sure, you look all broken up about it Well, are you having a good time? You brought the kids, didn't you? I did, yeah, I was on a plane for five hours with two almost year-and-a-half year old boys And you dressed your kids up as the Dumb and Dumber team?

We did, for Halloween they were Dumb and Dumber Yeah, and then my friend came as the bird whose head was cut off Lovely, that's a lovely memory for them It is Yeah And you gorelly, did you go out trick-or-treating? Yeah, we took Glenn out to see Michael Myers like you would take your kid to see Santa Claus at Christmas What's wrong with you? That's a terrible thing to do

Well, when you hear that my daughter did scream, you're right Yeah So you took her and put her on the lap of a mass murderer Well, not on the lap, but the Michael Myers house is in South Pasadena so we took her there to get a photo And in the photo, he is, you know, threatening her with a knife and we immediately removed her from the situation But in that area, Michael Myers is everywhere and so you can't walk three feet without being stalked We shouldn't have taken her, this is an indictment Well, guess what? No, you were right, you're a great dad

Number 10, number 10 And your go-to improv word is jizz So we're hitting it out of the park here tonight We got your back, buddy We got your back I think it's time that we get this show on the road Yes We've had a lovely time talking

And before we do that, I want to mention something very important, okay? You may or may not know this But I have a new Sirius XM radio channel Team Coco Radio channel 106 You're probably thinking, what's that going to be? Well, you will always continue to enjoy the podcast where you get your podcast now But it'll be some of the best of the podcast plus lots of other stuff from over the years and music And I've been doing a lot of recording for it and I'm having a blast

Really having a good time Now, here's what I tell you If you don't have Sirius now, we premiere on the 15th, November 15th If you don't have Sirius now, go rent a car On the 15th And just drive and drive and drive Until this voice makes you want to end it all And this show tonight is, if you want to hear it again

It's premiering exclusively on the Team Coco Radio channel So all of you here will be able to hear this when our channel premieres on Tuesday, 11.15 And I think it's going to be, I think that channel is going to be a blast This is the debut show This is the debut show that's going to be on that channel So here's what you can do When you rent that car and you're driving around, bring a friend And when you hear the cheering on channel 106

You can yell at your friend, I'm one of those people cheering I was a Devon! I was a Devon! I was one of 15 Devons That lied to cheat a young woman out of a nice connection with Conan O'Brien Brutal Alright, I think we should begin this program And I am absolutely delighted to introduce our secret guest today I am a huge admirer of this individual

And this, I am being so generic in my introduction They are very cool This humanoid presence brings me much joy And I'm delighted that this matter shall be here This composition of atoms So let's bring down the lights and find out who our guest is Hi Hi

Hi, my name is Stephen Colbert And I feel put upon about being Conan O'Brien's friend Wow, that was very very nice That was pleasant I will say this, we have had a few surprise guests And your reaction that you just got right now Blew all of that out of the water I pity any other surprise guest

Then it's all worth it I'm so happy to be here It's so lovely to see you guys I've done the podcast before, but I've never seen you You don't look anything like I imagined Well, I don't want to throw you under the bus But I was there that time we did Yes, awkward

I don't want to throw you under the bus But I still don't remember Remember, Matt, you gave him your grandfather's watch I did And you said you mean so much to me And Stephen said I'll never forget it I was rubbing your feet the entire interview I thought that was Conan

It's lovely to meet you too Thank you for having me here I think you look fantastic in that outfit Yes, you look amazing in that outfit I made a mistake and decided to own it You were the first one I saw you looking me up and down I did

And I thought I said something almost immediately Yes And then you told me a very funny story The second time I ever went on a date with my wife I was living in Chicago She was living in New York Evie, I don't know if you've ever seen Evie on the show

I would go down to She was living down in Chelsea So I show up and you know I'm wearing jeans and a jean jacket And she looks at me And I don't know if you've I've got a camera shot of us Yeah, we can see your face

Okay, so she goes like this And swear to God this was unconscious She goes, is that what you're wearing? And that's what I did I burst out laughing She's like, what are you laughing about? I said, you have no idea We just did with your head

Then I know what your mother is like Yes But it's a very, she told you She told you like, it's like magneto No, we have really good communication And the thing is, I'm so afraid Never, I can't imagine There's so much you read in your wife's face

In each other's face I'm sure she reads it in mine too Like this is unspoken kind of dialogue And vocabulary you establish with other people's faces And if she ever got Botox I would actually have to ask her What she was thinking She can communicate everything to you

Yes My wife, the perpetual expression she has is You're doing your best She's got these very large eyes And you've hung out, we've hung out together as a couple And my wife is always, her look is perpetually He's giving it all he's got Oh, that's so sweet, look at him

Yeah You know, I do want to say I was thrilled that you were able to do this And I say this, I know very well How much work it is to do a show Night in and night out That's why I feel put upon to be your friend I know, I know

Because here's the thing, I really want to be here Like you've thanked me many times To be here already backstage Like no, I really want to be here This is super fun Because you're Conan O'Brien Who's not going to show up for Conan O'Brien? Well, I'm lucky enough to have become your friend

I would say we're actually friends now We do hang and we have similar nerdy interests We do And to the point where other people just start to back away Because we start trading the names of like Civil War generals and everyone's like This is not good No, we speak in that like

That twin language that scientists can't break down But at the same time, come on I literally came from the Ed Sullivan to this theater You know what it's like to do a show every night I am fucking exhausted How dare you ask me to be on your show But then you reminded me that when I did a tour I think in 2010

Yes, I was out there Yeah, you and John Stewart were both nice enough To do like a crazy walk on on that tour And I went to say hi to you, I think before the show Upstairs, yeah And you reminded me of this, I forgot I had been touring And Sonia, you were on that tour

You remembered I burned about 35,000 calories On every show I was doing everything I could think of And I couldn't sleep and I became crazily like I lost weight My pants were falling off all the time intentionally And then you said that I came into the room To say hi to you guys

And what did I do? You immediately lay down on the floor You came in and said, hey, Conor We went to hug you and just went You came in the door like this You went, hey, hi And I have a photo of you like this On my dressing room floor

I said, how's the tour going? And he goes, it's going great, it's going great Thanks for being here Yeah, it was an invitation to sex That's what that was Then I apologized Yes You just thought I was

It was the Botox, I couldn't read I couldn't read the invitation I had so much work done You do look fantastic, by the way Oh, thank you You know what I have always wanted to do? I've always wanted to do this And I'm outing it now

So it's a bit I can never do But there are people in our world Who get work done They get real work done And then you see them later on And you know But you're not supposed to say anything Do you know what I mean?

And I always thought it would be great If I was gone for a couple of weeks And I had a really good special effects person Take me back So it looked like I had had some kind of radical work done And then just have a camera running And see who, because a lot of people A lot of people would be like, Conan, hey

No, everything's fine And I'd be like, let's go to Teo No, I was just in Toronto for like four weeks Because I was thinking of buying a farm But I didn't buy the farm But I just hung out there for a while And I just have always thought That it would be fascinating experiment to say

Who would say anything I feel like you would say something I think Robert Smigel would say something Yes Conan the insult comic Yeah, Robert Smigel would do it as triumph Yes What the fuck

He'd get the puppet right up into my face I feel like a snack Did they leave any skin over? I kid, I kid I kid I kid I could play your face like a drum How often do you do this live thing?

We haven't done that many of them This is our first one that we've done In New York City We've done a few At the Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles Which is a lovely theatre But this was the first time That we've played a house this large

This important venue in New York So this is a big first Are you afraid at all By doing your lovely intimate podcast Which I really admire But one of the things I like about it is I feel like, oh, I'm the fourth person in the room Or whatever

I'm the fly on the wall And we're just hanging out It's a Friday And we're having lunch or whatever And when I listen to one of those podcasts And then I hear an audience that I go Who are those fucking people? I thought I was your friend

Yeah Are you like, did you ask someone into the relationship? Is it not spicy enough for you anymore? Why can't it just be That's pretty much what happened Why can't it just be us? I very much enjoy these two And I enjoy you, Stephen

But I was feeling at this stage in my life To spice things up I needed to bring 3,500 other people into the bedroom Just cause Apropos of nothing, okay Apropos of nothing Other than that we're just talking about this Have you ever had been

Bed with more than one lover, Conan? Have I ever been? Have you ever been in bed With more than one lover at a time? What do you think, Stephen? And let me say something That's probably pretty close to true I don't think my wife's seen me

Completely naked And we've been married for 20 years I am a very shy debutante I use like a variety of fans in certain I mean, I I'm just saying there's enough real estate there That you could have two lovers And each of them could feel like

They were alone with you Yeah, they wouldn't meet They'd have to go to a stand And it was zone defense I could have one lover that only knows the right leg And only knows the left leg Just curious, I thought maybe it would shock us here With like, oh, when I was young

And I was traveling No! No! I would not be There's no shame in it Oh, I'm not saying there is shame Don't slut-shame us I'm not slut-shaming

I am I would treat that If that were true I would be I would think I was a war hero I would be so proud of it I would get a medal made By the U.S. government

That said, had a threesome And I would wear it Band of lovers Band of lovers Produced by Tom Hanks Tom Hanks And we'll make Hanks do this Yo, we won 100%

No, but it was absolutely I mean, that was the thing that was What are we talking about? We were talking about All of these people Are you being tired? No, we were talking about My incredible life as a lethario

As a sexual being Oh, okay No, but no, I have never been And how about you? Have you been with more than one? No But I was offered Oh

Yeah I don't believe I've ever told this story I was in Italy Of course There you go And I... There was two young ladies Who I got to know

Was doing a theater over there Okay, first of all What stage of your life for you And are you still... I am 19 You're 19 The last time You would have wanted to see me naked

I was actually doing a nude scene In an opera over there It was Ken Russell The director Yeah, yeah Was doing Madame Butterfly And he was doing it He set it in a really

A house of prostitution Rather than a geisha And it's in Nagasaki And at the top of it The prostitutes Would all be asleep on the floor And I would walk out naked On stage

While the oboe's going Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum And they're waiting for the bonds To come in You know, you guys know Madame Butterfly And... And a couple of the girls

The extras who were playing the prostitutes Were like, hey, you know what We've seen you naked once While we have sex together Okay, did you think for a minute I might... Yeah You didn't let me finish

My question I didn't let a lot of people finish Hi, my name is Stephen Colbert And I regret being Conan O'Brien's friend So, wait a minute So, I mean I've never been off

That's never been offered To me in my life Didn't happen I know it didn't happen Okay But you were probably tempted Somewhat More than tempted

I'm like, yeah Oh, so why didn't it happen? Because it started to happen Oh It was a picnic was arranged Wait, this was going to be outside? This is confusing Is there any chance

We could edit this out of the podcast? Oh, absolutely not Well, you're sitting on the couch With the editor And I'll say a sound, no No, and then when the actual The idea like, hey, let's go pick I said, yeah, I don't want to

Yeah No, I don't want to Yeah And they asked why And I said, no, I still don't want to I'm still not sure why Well, I think I know why Why

I would not do it either Probably Because I would be too overwhelming for me It seems like I'm just being honest with all of you I know it's the cool thing to say But I think it would It would end with me crying

100% And 100% In my situations in life When it's been one-on-one And months of preparation It ends with lots of crying And it's me, you know Sure

No, I just seemed like Oh, yeah, this is absolutely it I'm over in Italy And everything's cool And, you know, we don't speak Each other in languages Except the language of love And it all seemed like

Very penthouse letters You know, like, oh, shit, that's real People do have sex in elevators Stuck between floors And then But in the actual moment Like, hey, let's go I'm like, ah, I'm not going

Yeah No, thanks But I respect that I'm just telling you I would do the same thing That makes one of us Yeah What's that?

What? What's that? That makes one of us Okay, all right, well Clearly, I'm going to get more Of the opportunities here In my outfit Nothing says I'm down for group sex

It kind of does, though Maybe it does It kind of does You need a bigger belt buckle And more rings And it needs to be 1979 Yeah, I know This needs to be Vale or Aspen

Or someplace like that The times that I've done things With, like, Kevin Hart And Ice Cube And I'd wear anything Remotely like this They start laughing And they're like, you look

Like a male prostitute And I realized, like, kind of do You know? Yeah But you could bank some coin, my friend Yeah It's a good thing to fall back on Yeah

I want to ask you a question You and I I don't know if you're aware of this I know that you are from The great state of South Carolina You are a southerner And people asked me Because I'm from Boston

And the other day someone Played me a tape of me as a child Doing, like, a bit of a comedy bit With my sister Kate And there was an actual tape And I think it's from 1975 And I got a Boston accent And I'm kind of talking fast

Oh, really? Yeah And I never consciously decided To get rid of it But it just, through over time I think mostly washed away Did you ever have a Southern accent? I transferred college

My last year as a college I spent in Northwestern University School of Speech I was in the theater department there And, yeah And They thought I had a Southern accent Like, the voice teacher's like

Yeah, you're from the South I can hear the Southern accent But I consciously tried not to get one As a child Because I don't think That Southern accents are dumb I don't It's often very lazily used

As a way to say dumb Right But, yeah, on TV The Southern person was the dumb person And I wanted to be smart My family valued, like, smartness So I wanted to be smart And so I kind of modeled myself

And I kind of mean this Even though I'm talking about Like an eight to ten year old When I say this On John Chancellor Who used to be the anchor Of the NBC Nightly News Yes, I know

Because you could not My mother one day said Listen to him You can't tell where In the United States he's from And I thought that was kind of a neat trick To be able to talk And no one would know

Where you were from I get Connecticut a lot But that is So it was a conscious person It was a conscious thing It was a conscious thing Not to get a Southern accent I mean I can do it

Like I sometimes do do it And I just said do do But So you don't have to point it out Because I know you were about to I wasn't going to mention it If I get If I get

If I get really excited Or if I get really angry Or if I get a little drunk It'll come back You'll hear it And is it a thick like You know, I say I say boy

You know, is it Dippin' it off Dippin' it off Must got stuck in the deep mud No, no, but there's like Charleston's a really weird Kind of accent I just love you getting mad

And being like Well, I just about tears it I'm Stephen Colbert And I've been a host Of my soul for many a year Could I tell you the favorite Thing ever said in a Southern accent That I've ever heard

What? When I was growing up On James Island, South Carolina Outside of Charleston Yeah, oh, yeah Really? Really? Really?

Willow Lake Road And there was an There was an advertisement For something called Gerald's Recaps And it was where you go You know, you go by Recap tires, retreads

Right And they would have a rotating Tire And inside there was like Everybody did some green screaming As a rotated around Little testimonials would come up From customers inside

About how great these Retread tires were And this guy says this And I'd like to know What you think he's saying Okay He goes I find I get better models

With the ones that are On there Well, I got I find I get better mileage With the ones that are On than the ones that I find I get better mileage With the ones that are

On than the ones that are On there I don't know I think what he's saying Is I get better mileage With these new recaps That I bought from Gerald's That they put on my car

Than the stock tires That came with the car When I bought it I find I get better mileage With the ones that are On there And sold Yep

And sold So there's that in Charleston There's that in my hometown But there's also like Very Charleston There's kind of south Round kind of accent Those like that sort of thing

What? It's a great day at Gerald's Fuck you, it's a great day At Gerald's Was that the ad? I will meet you at Melvins for Barbecue It's right down the street

From Gerald's Well, you've alienated Most of us That's what South Carolina Is Is It's a great day at Gerald's

It's a great day at Gerald's It's a great day at Gerald's That's what South Carolinans do You know I have seceded from

Your podcast I will bombard you Until you agree to come back We're getting into the weeds here My favorite thing ever said In a Southern accent That I've personally witnessed Was the great

Andy Griffith Was on our show In the 90s And Sheriff Andy Taylor And he was a wonderful, warm You know, later known To most people as Matlock

But just a huge hero To everyone, our generation He's from, I believe North Carolina But he has this Famous Southern accent And he was on the show And he was very polite

And our writers wanted him To do a bit So they came in They said, Mr. Griffith Do you mind? We will have a funny bit And he listened to And he went, I want to

Thank you very much And I do appreciate your time And I do appreciate the work That you put into this But I think I'll just do The interview with Conan And we'll leave it at that So the writer left

And then the writer thought He was very persistent So he went back Which I didn't know of And he said Mr. Griffith I was just thinking about it It's a really funny bit

And so you'll do the interview But then afterwards We'll do a pre-tape And all you have to do Is put this funny hat on And he went, well, I do Thank you very much And such an honor

That a writer like you Would put the work into it And think that I could do it So I do appreciate that But I think again I'll just do the interview And he walks away The writer

Whose name I will not say But he decides Fuck it I'm going back in there One more time Because I think I've got Andy Griffith on the ropes So he goes back

He goes back And he starts to go Excuse me Mr. Griffith If you could And Andy Griffith Just looked up at him And with a big smile

He said Just walk away And it's one of my favorite Things of all time Do you ever see him play evil? Yes He's fantastic He's in the crowd

Yeah He plays There's a movie that I don't know how many young people Know this movie But A Face in the Crowd Is one of the great films It's a very dark film

He also did sort of a version Of the most dangerous game Where he's the hunter Fantastic Oh, he's great playing evil Yeah I think you'd be very good Playing evil

I'd love a shot at it Seriously, would you? 100% Who would want to play? Everybody I interview Like who's like Well, you're the bad guy It's much more fun

To play the bad guy Yes Much more interesting When I worked on The Simpsons All I wanted to do Was play Mr. Burns I didn't want to write For anybody else

Because writers Love to write me It's like It's We get to go Or in comedy To get to play that Is to get to do something

That you feel You can't do in your real life But if it's part of the job Sure And if I can play The worst guy in the world That's what I kind of Like about doing The Colbert Report

Is that I got to Pretend That his ego Wasn't mine Yes That's great You know what I mean

Like I got to pretend Like that's the character And also like his appetites Because he was just a creature Of pure appetites And why shouldn't I be The model American Of course

Why shouldn't I be Why shouldn't I be And that was great To like Invest him With all my secret Dark I don't think they're the right

Appetites But to like Invest him With all of those Secret desires And appetites That put yourself first And everybody should

Love me And all that kind of stuff Just to ride that train That was a lot of fun I'll say this In Because I think about Comedy

Probably way too much And not enough about Threesomes But But I There are Different comedians That I can identify

Who have Really beautifully Inhabited A crazy Ego maniacal Character And I'm thinking of

Like Alan Partridge The Alan Partridge Character By Steve Coogan The characters here and there And you know Ricky Gervais On the original office

And there are characters that have done it I am hard I can't think of anybody else Who created a character Like that Committed to it And did it every night For 11 years

Flawlessly That isn't a No one else has done that Thank you That is a huge Thank you I really enjoy doing it I still liked it when I stopped

Which is nice I still like doing it when I stopped And I stopped I decided to stop doing it Two years before I actually stopped doing it I didn't tell anybody But Evie knew Like my wife knew

And my manager knew I was like I'm going to stop on this day December 18, 2014 I already decided Because I want to stop When I still liked it Yeah

And that's I can relate to that as well I loved doing my thing Every night And I realized I want to stop doing it While I still Really love it

And it's meaningful to me But I don't There are other things I want to try I still want to be in comedy But I don't want to do this It's been a long time But you

That I think is an unrivaled Achievement in comedy What you managed to do I really do I think it's an Absolutely incredible feat That's lovely to say I knew it would be hard

The I remember I remember Right before we put the show on Not to talk about the ancient days But literally 17 years ago Right around now Was right before the show

Went on the air And maybe further Maybe longer than that But Dave Cross We said Hey Dave We'd like you to be my foil We'd like you to come on

And be this character And he's a super liberal And he'd come on And he spends his weekends Working at the Mifflin Street Co-op In Madison, Wisconsin Right You know

Stocking the Kohlrabi And you know And a lot of very thirsty Roll-neck sweaters And stuff like that I said, okay, that's great So we start working on the script And everything is like

What do you want to do it? And I said Well, we could do it any day Next week And he goes But what night I mean, record it Yeah, but what night are you guys on?

And he was standing He was sitting in front of the couch That had the strip on it Like the whole two-week run of shows Behind him And we hadn't been on the air yet And we said Well, I mean any day

Next week We could do it One of you are available And he goes What do you mean? And then he looked behind him And he goes Wait, this is

You're going to do this every night? And I said to you And he goes Holy shit And I said Yeah, I'm already past that I've already gotten past that My first show

We did our first taping of late night It was September 13, 1993 And we did it And we really liked the show that we did And we put all of our weirdness out there And the crowd was hot And there'd been all this pressure for months Who is this guy?

What's going to happen? We did it And we Like idiots went out and had a massive party Oh And it was a Monday night And we partied and partied and partied And hugged each other

And I told people I love you And we hugged And we drank Then it was Tuesday And I didn't know then That I had 28 years to go That's the thing

Is that even if you have a really great show Like if you're doing one of these nightly shows That takes an hour It takes a lot out of you And you got to care about each one Right And the thing is Is that you've got about five minutes

To feel good about it Yep Or thank God Only about five minutes to feel that bad about it Because you've got another show tomorrow Right And five minutes to feel like Hey, that was a really good show

And then you go into the post mortem And you go, okay, what's tomorrow Yeah But you also have to kind of like that part of it That's the part that I think Separates from the people who can do it for a long time Or really enjoy it is

You kind of got to like the work The work itself has got to be the thing That's your reward Right If whenever someone in show business Over the years A couple of times people would say Conan, that talk show thing looks sweet

I've been in movies and stuff And I've been kind of an action hero here and there But getting one of those must be pretty sweet And I said, I don't know what you're talking about Because it's every day And it's a great job Yeah, sure But it's also it doesn't

So I love it But it's also it never stops It's incessant And I know Because I had the same experience But it's hard not to bring it home too Because my wife could tell I would come home

I was never a drug person in any way But I would get so hyped up By doing the show And then I would come home And be bouncing off the walls And my wife and kids would just back away Like I had been working At a nuclear reactor core

The good thing is though I say the plus side Like yeah, it's constant work And you're never really off You get off long enough to kind of recover Than you're doing it again Because you know What are you, 200 shows a year

When you start out But you know where you're going Is the thing You know where you're going every day And if you You're willing to set a schedule You kind of know when you're coming home And you can be there

For the school play or whatever like that There is, actually Oh, I never went to those Okay They're not as good as professional plays You're like, this is shit These costumes aren't good That kid can't sing

Why is he the lead? Why? I've walked out of The few I went to I walked out of You know what? Tough love Yeah, they need to know

That this is crap But it's mildly normative Compared to the people That movie star doesn't know Where he's going to be next month No, it's true I used to envy When you're

It's always the Grass is always greener But when your job is You know this very well You're one of the few people I can talk to you about this When you're behind a desk all the time If anyone has a job

That involves Yeah, I got to go to Iceland For this meeting You're like, you're going to Iceland? You're so, you know Because if your job is To sit behind a desk And it's the greatest job in the world

All you're thinking about Is other people going places Which is why I started to Scam those travel shows It was just like, it's a show What happens? I go other places I leave the desk and go places

You went to Greenland, right? Yeah I went up there We haven't shown yet But I went up to the north end I went to Tulli Air Base Which is the northernmost air base Did you go up that high?

I can't remember if we went up that high I'd have to ask somebody Because it's all a blur This place is 700 miles north Of the Arctic Circle It's so far north That you can't see the northern lights Because they're south of you

Oh, my God So it's so far north It's, I get it Compasses point west Right And were you shooting a thing there? Yeah, we were shooting a thing It was a USO

We did a USO show Right there for the air base up there And it's starkly beautiful You really feel like You're the end of the world I got to go into the room Because it's the air base It's where they track the Russian missiles

Coming over the top Because they're so far north If they're coming over the top That's right You made it sound like They're constantly flying over No, no, no It was like, when they come

When they come over the top That makes me feel better No, because they're about as far You know, they're like From here to Raleigh, North Carolina Is how far that place is from Russia And they've got these massive Five-story buildings

On the outside of which is all Basically like open microwave ovens Just shooting beams Over the top of the pole To the point where they said Don't stand in front of that building And they said, what happens? And they said, your organs would boil

Within a minute And they literally have things Thrown out into the gravel In front of it to say Don't walk inside that Because that's basically the cone of it Don't walk inside in front of that area I mean, you wouldn't die instantly there

But it wouldn't be good for you And I'm like, it's just a piece of wood Out there You just threw out like a log out there And he goes, well, we can't throw metal Because it's an open microwave oven It literally is the same thing But you can throw a potato

And then eat it You could have it on a string And then reel it in Throw a popcorn in I got to go to the big room I got to go to the room Like the big board room Oh, you saw it

Yeah, I couldn't bring cameras in there But I got to go see the big room What do you think it looks like? I'm obviously thinking of Dr. Strange Love Nope It looks like a middle school computer lab I knew it would be like that There's three PCs

Three people in their early 20s Basically first jobs out of college And they're like paying off the college pipe They're all just the nerd patrol up at the Tulier base too Everybody there is tech And he goes like That shows where all the satellites are That one shows if anything larger than a softball

Going mock two or more We can pick up all the way down to like Beijing And then this one is just Just cascading numbers Like it was the matrix And I said, how long if you saw something What would it happen? I said, oh, about 15 minutes before it's overhead

These things are going really fast And I said, what happens after that? Why is there a wedge behind you on the screen? I don't see anything behind you He goes, well, once it's overhead, it's not our problem It's your problem And I said, so who do you tell? He goes, oh, we tell Central Command

And then they tell other people You know, continuity of government All that kind of stuff And I said, what do you tell us? What do you tell us? Like, how long before it gets to New York? He goes, half an hour before it gets to New York And I said, when do you tell us?

And he goes, we don't tell you He goes, you'll find out Well, what a great way to... What a great piece to show on your comedy show Oh, my God Yeah, there you go Do you like... I have found that...

And this is on the same topic But I have found that if you go And you do any entertaining at all For any group that's in the military serving They are as great as this crowd is And people always say you're the best crowd in the world They're the best crowds 100%

They're so grateful that you're there They're remembered and you give a damn They're really fantastic And there had been no USO like... What do you call it? USO club up there Ever

I was there for basically the ribbon cutting And the bass first opened in 1951 And it's super secret Because it's where they keep all the rooms Where they're tracking the missiles And I was looking I was like, this is really super secret bass But I can walk anywhere and do anything

And there doesn't seem to be a lot of security around here And they said, who's going to sneak up on us? Because there's literally There's a fjord on one side And north of the fjord The ice sheet goes all the way The ice cap goes all the way to the water And south of us it goes all the way to the water

And then about a, you know About three or four miles away to the east Is the Greenland Ice Sheet That's where it starts And it's a thousand miles wide And it's two miles thick And they go, you can't sneak us You can't get us over there

You're not going to sneak over there And it's 1600 miles south And it's one of the most Starkly beautiful places I've ever been And what they do there is they have fun Yes, well they have to And I'm guessing I know how they have fun Yes, there's plenty of drink

Yes There's plenty of drink up there But evidently the Danes Because the Danes own Greenland The Danes, yeah People will woo anything Evidently, however hard they party No one can keep up with the Danes

That it's almost frightening how hard the Danes Who are the civilian contractors party up there I spent some time in Finland Thanks for the woo And they have a drink there Because there's not much to do Called Korskinkova And I drank it

And I spit it out And I said this is Sometimes you make the joke that this is rocket fuel This is rocket fuel And they were laughing What they do is they all drink it And then they get naked And they go into a sauna

And then they jump into ice cold water And have massive strokes And that's their way of having fun And it works for them I suggest you try it Steven, you've been a gentleman You've been a prince among men You did a show

What did I do today? I wandered around You got jizzed in the face I guess okay You look fantastic Do you know Conan? You know Conan I don't know how much they were charging

But you could make your own I don't know There's something about this other jizz That's... Well, isn't that nice? We brought that ship around really beautifully You did Steven, God bless you

My best to your lovely wife and family And also, thank you so much I do not take it for granted That you made the time to be with us tonight Because you work really hard And you do incredible work And I doff my invisible hat to you So thank you, Steven Colbert

Thank you, Conan O'Brien Thank you, Summit Thank you, Matt Thanks, everybody Yes! And now, Stealy Dan Stealy Dan Wow, he was fantastic

He is the consummate professional I love him so much Alright, we'll take it easy He's great He's just no one better No better late night host Really, okay He's charming, he's nice

Yeah, he's got it all He's very lovely Yeah, okay Well, anyway He's a solid B-plus Something that no one's ever said about Steven Colbert That man's a solid B-B-plus Yeah, he's a delightful fellow

And so I was so glad that he got to be here I think we have... It's time for a more intimate part of the show That's right It's where we get to kind of talk to the people Yeah We take... Yeah

We take voicemails, which is... If you don't know what a voicemail is, someone will call And they'll leave a message That's really rude What? We do a thing on the podcast Where we listen to voicemails occasionally And we hear what people are thinking

We haven't actually done it in a while We should do it more often But we do a version of it here On these live shows But obviously it's got a twist So people get to ask questions Or make comments I hope they're questions

More than just comments I think they're all questions In fact, they're lining up now We're going to have the first person come down to this Spotlit microphone here Wow Look how powerful that looks An empty microphone

Doesn't that look like a symbol of democracy That somehow failed? Oh, dear Microphone that no one... Oh, sorry Oh, hey, how are you? Oh, is that... What happened?

What's that? Oh, I thought you were with him Or we're attacking him I didn't know it was happening You're wearing a very colorful jacket And I got scared Hello, sir What is your name?

Devin Yeah, Devin I am Spartacus Devin, wherever you are I'm really sorry Yeah No, what is your name, sir? My name's Mitch

What's that? Mitch And you are? I'm Conan I'll take it Hey, we opened the show with... I've been jizzed on Trust me

Nothing you say can hurt me now I like the dramatic... I love the dramatic pause before the question That was a deep inhale There was... The whole room got quiet And it's like the sixth sense I could see my breath

There's just an overwhelming amount of denim In front of me Trust me Trust me You can't hurt me Go for it, man Take your shot Okay, okay

So, back in college I competed in timber sports So, I was a lumberjack So, Conan, do you think you'd make a good lumberjack? And if so, what would you wear when lumberjacking off? Okay, well Was this written before this... You came here?

I'm dressed like a fucking lumberjack Did you write this beforehand? Yes Okay, that's weird Yeah Because I don't know what to say Other than I'd lose the tie And I've got the boots

I mean, I think I'm ready to go Those aren't boots for lumberjacking off Of course they are They're all lumberjacks Like boots that were made in Italy This is the first thing you learn When you're a lumberjack Only Bruno Cuccinelli

Anyway You're learning a lot about me today I got some creams put on my face By a stranger On Fifth Avenue When I'm wearing Bruno Cuccinelli I think you're looking at it Do I think I'd be a good lumberjack?

I would say no Because I always joke around and do bits I am a hard worker But when it comes to manual labor I try and find the bit or the joke I think the other lumberjacks would hate me Because I wouldn't be doing the work I'd be doing bits about doing the work

And I'd be turning the axe into a character His name is Axie Axerton And I'd be... You know? And I'd be like, Axie, come on! Maybe I'm the one and I'm the one and I'm the one And they'd be standing there And eventually I'd be butchered to death

By the other lumberjacks I think I'd be a terrible lumberjack Absolutely awful Don't you agree? 100% Thank you What do you keep in that pouch That you wear on your chest?

I just... I'm just curious Is that something you wear every day? It's my emergency lumberjack tools Oh, very nice Good improv That wasn't a put down Or was it?

He's a master of passive aggression Okay, so... Just make sure he doesn't put the microphone in that And then walk away Yeah That's a for-share microphone Yeah, Mitch, leave the microphone, please And actually step away from the microphone

Yeah Well, Mitch, I hope I answered your question I'd be a terrible lumberjack But I'd dress like this without the tie You know? Yeah, I agree I think... What's happening now?

You're gonna make a speech of some kind? Well, I just think The electoral college doesn't represent fairly The popular vote What? What's Mitch talking about? It feels that in 1785 It was a good idea

But now I feel like Crucial sectors of the economy Hold it, hold it, hold it I know where you were going, so... I'm done Okay, well, it's nice to meet you Mitch, good to see you, sir And let's move on now to the...

Thank you, Mitch The next guy Huh You're not the guy that ran up and got in line behind Mitch I'm not What happened to that guy? Yeah, what have you done with him? Did you do something to him?

Or did something... That's very ominous I don't think I can tell you yet Okay, red-jacketed guy ran up and got behind Mitch And then I'm busy I'm in the zone with Mitch Oh, was that you in the zone? That was me in the zone

And then this guy who plays guitar for fish Gets up And you're fantastic I love that Noodling and all those scales for hours on end It's fantastic shit But then red-jacketed guy is just gone Yeah, who was that?

It's ominous and weird, but we won't... They'll tell me later on You don't want to know Sir, what is your name? My name is Ben Ben, nice to see you How are you? Good

Great to be here I think you're being a redhead model I appreciate that Now, let me ask you something Am I a good... I'm being honest You can tell me I want to be a good representative

For red-haired people But I don't know that I am I'd say you're doing fantastic It's much better than like a Chuckie character Or like Chuckie from the Rugrats Or the murderous ones Or always the geeky characters But they're like, I don't think that's a good idea

Oh yeah, I'm like me Yeah The bar is so low I love it And keep in mind This is coming from another redhead And mostly denim Yeah

But look It's a good look Look, his denim is a lighter denim That would not match my denim Which might get me off the hook I like what you got going on You think it's okay? Yeah, I think actually

If you're gonna go denim You might as well match Because then it really looks sort of off You know Well, I don't know That his completely matches So now you've put him down Oh, are you wearing denim on the bottom?

I'm not They're scrubs Wait, what? They're scrubs Are you in the medical profession? I just came from work Yes What?

Thank you Thank you Seriously You actually fucking know stuff Nobody knows stuff anymore Did you go to like a medical school or? I got a doctorate in audiology What?

So it's a Oh So yes Wait a minute I haven't put the salute all the way But down yet So what do you do in these scrubs? Do you save lives?

I evaluate and rehabilitate hearing disorders That's good Yes Okay We're cool That's cool That's cool I'm fine with that

He's helping people Yes You studied and you're helping people And you know things I think that's fantastic So I will not take back my salute I just wanted to make sure That he wasn't, you know, an accountant

At the hospital In scrubs They were scrubs too I think I had this idea recently I'm in comedy We don't get to have a uniform in comedy And I thought recently

There should be a color of scrubs That people in comedy get to wear Oh no Hold it They say it's the best medicine And so I know where you're going with this No, but I was thinking

If we could come up with a thing Then I'm walking down the street And it's like I'm wearing my scrubs And I see John Mulaney And he's wearing his scrubs And I see Colbert And we're like

This is cool You're all in denim scrubs No, they're not going to be denim But I think it would be cool Why do people in the medical community Get to have the cool scrubs? What did you guys do? Oh right

You saved lives Ben, what can I do for you? So coming full circle Half of my job is explaining to people What they haven't heard in about 20 years And so part of it is having people Tell me what they've heard And what they've loved

And forgot they loved to hear Such as like Patients being like I didn't hear the rain Over on the rooftop in years I heard crickets For the first time in my campsite So I was wondering

What are some of your favorite sounds And things that you just Would not love to give up to hear? Well, that's a great question A applause That is a great question It's very rare that a question Gets applause

Yeah, this answer better be pretty good No, I was saying I was saying you would miss The sound of applause Oh, yeah No, no I mean crickets You brought up crickets

Man The sound of crickets During my monologue That's my favorite That's one of my favorite sounds You're bringing up something That I think a lot about recently Which is I do worry

About hearing loss I lived You know I basically lived in a very small box In Studio 6A And I did 16 years With Jimmy and the guys Playing so loud

Sound just bouncing around And my producers would come up And yell things in my ear Because during the commercial breaks The band's playing You guys had the whole horn section And they would come up And they would scream in my ear

And literally every night Three times a night They would scream in my ear Stephen doesn't want to tell the story About the toad The toad's out Like some little piece of information That I needed to know before the interview

My favorite is one of our producers Frank Smiley came up to me once And we were having someone on I think it was like the lead singer from REM And he just ran at the last second Ran up and he yelled into my ear He makes pots! As a result

My wife and children spend most of their time Repeating to me What they've said So I might actually not be hearing things How do I find out? You could see an audiologist And they would test your hearing Yeah, I don't want to do that

Yeah, I get it I don't know, you know what I mean? That just seems like a waste of my time Who's got 20 minutes? Who's got 20 minutes? I got Jizz to find Now he's talking, this guy You get used to it

Yeah Welcome to the Jizz Party Wait, so what sounds... You know, it is funny that I do... I love being in front of audiences So I do love those sounds I really do love... There's a sound that I love

Which is a coffee maker That isn't that expensive That's making the coffee I'm not talking about one of these kind of Crazy high-end coffee makers That some people get I mean, like, mine's just... This regular, you know, okay

It costs $140 or whatever Coffee maker And it makes this little... Curgly, weird... Yeah, there's little sounds And it's also, it sounds human It doesn't sound like a machine It's, like, making the coffee

And then it's just, like, gurgle, gurgle Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle And you can almost hear the machine going I'm just doing what I can I'm doing the best I can And there are little sounds like that That I find very, very satisfying That sometimes I think I'm missing out on

And I also like the sound of corduroy Rubbing up against each other, you know Just corduroy I wish that my legs were a little heavier And I wore corduroy They would chafe, and I could hear that And I could make coffee And then...

So there are lots of sounds But I am curious now about my hearing What would they do if you found out How much hearing loss do you have to have Before you need hearing aid? It just depends what frequencies The most common is a high-frequency hearing loss And that's where people aren't hearing, like,

Pitches like Ss, Fs, Ths And that's where, like, they don't hear Ventilation systems Or even their clothes rubbing together So it's like... But who wants to hear a vent? No, who says... Well, I...

Nobody does Ventilation system! I haven't heard that in 30 years! But they're kind of the same frequencies as the Hs So if you want to hear Hs... I don't want to hear Hs How are you, you know? Who cares? Fuck you, you know?

Not in your... Not in your business how I am What I'd like to do, Ben, if it's okay is I'd like to book an appointment with you right now I think that's fantastic Where are you located? I'm in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn Okay, that's not happening

Yeah No, is that where your office is? It is, yes Alright, we'll have to go to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn Are you really... Is this really what you do Or is this a trick to murder me? It's really what I do

It'd be great if it was... It's a very boring... It's a terrible murder plan Right? It's a long time Aren't you the one that said Come out to Bay Ridge? We have audio of you

And then Conan disappeared in Bay Ridge We just found his ears afterwards Oh, come on! What does he do with your ear? He's the murdering freak Alright, well Ben, I will book that appointment But I think I answered your question I hope I did

Thank you very much Wonderful question Thank you, and I salute you Ben started to leave And then someone darted out of the aisle And chased after Ben Something horrible is happening What is going on?

We had one guy disappear Another person has been run down Like a wild animal You should probably just... Yes, just be careful I should get out of here Yeah What is your name?

I'm Allison Hi, Allison, how are you? I'm doing well Thanks so much for coming to the city Are you kidding? This is an absolute joy It's a joy for us Well, thank you

Thank you It really is This is the magic... It's just a magical thing I really love doing this I love hanging with these guys I love making these podcasts And this is...

Anytime I'm in the street And someone yells catakai or anything We end up having a... I've had so many great conversations With people out in the world And it's just... It's lovely, is the word Is what it is

So thank you Thanks for digging in Well, I guess mine is also Kind of New York City related I work across the park at the Met And I was wondering If there were a museum of Conan And the Chilchums

What objects would be On your highlights tour? Well, okay Giz cream Okay Sona You've got to let it go Sorry

I'm thinking a haul of giz cream All right Okay, all right I'm going to try and straighten This thing out All right No, that's not... No, I'm not

When we started doing the shows On TBS They put together an... Remember this, Sona? They put together an art... Coco... Coco mocha Yeah, they put together

Of all fan art And it blew my mind Because I... I can't lay claim to a lot But I will say I have the most creative Talented fans in the world They are...

I mean, paintings, drawings, sculptures Stuff made of like... A statue of me made of Legos All kinds of just interpretations Of what I look like in my hair And first of all For an egomaniac like me It was a joy to walk through

But it was... And very enabling But it was also What I liked about it Was everybody was being so creative So, you know, it's not a funny answer But if there was like a museum I would want most of it to be

Fan stuff Because it's so... That makes me happy Is when other people are being creative And when other people are... You know, if I can join in And we can together make something That gives me a lot of pleasure

So I would think that would be A huge part of it Of you Made by fans Per my instructions But all of you Different ways of... Where my torso is depicted a certain way

That sounds like a Greek dictator Yes, yes, yes The same thing that Caesar demanded Of people that made statues in Rome Yes, troubling Death to those who portray me Would there be anything of the two of us? Oh, God, no

You know what? There'd be like, yeah A little wing somewhere No, I think it'd be fun I think it'd be great What do you think? Do you guys want anything special? Yeah

What? What? I think we need to get Ben back here And check your hearing You're like, what? And then I want A massive statue of me nude on a horse Oh, God

Yeah, just nude And I want everything to be exaggerated I think we'd better take another question A palette cleanser Okay, we'll do a palette Nice to talk to you Thank you very much We'll do one more palette cleanser question

Nude on a horse Yeah My name is not Devin, actually My name's Kendall, hello Oh, hey Kendall, how are you? How's it going? Oh, can you just tilt the mic up just a little bit? Yes, hello

Kendall, good Hey Kendall, how are you? Hi, how are you? Cool, I like your jacket It's kind of a cool fall color Conan, it's actually corduroy Yay Rub it against each other

Sorry to go there Let me check, check I have a legit question Does everybody read stuff off their phones now? Is that happening? I'm just nervous Don't be nervous, it's just us But you can, go ahead

Whatever you want to do You jumped my sign, you said last one And I was like, oh, no Oh, you got this, Kendall Yeah, you got this Don't worry about it If you had any doubt, just rub the corduroy into the mic

Okay, perfect Rub that corduroy together Okay, now take it easy I got a cigarette now You rub that corduroy No, no Kendall, we're sorry We're sorry

No, it's all good I'm so happy to be here I'm here with my dad, it's his birthday So we're really happy Let's go, yay, dad What a nice dad Yeah, he's awesome Well, we'll see

So, as you're sure you know, Conan A lot of popular dance trends have emerged Because of TikTok So my question for you Is if you had to add any song To your world famous string dance What song would you choose To make it blow up on the app

And could we get a demonstration How to do it? Well, I brought this up before But I don't know what syncopates And what goes best with the string dance Oh, can we get a little live music maybe? Well, we always did it Back in the day, we did it

But we need a song that goes with it We gotta come up with a song But I mean, that'll do for now Right, don't you think? Yeah, that was awesome I think I could blow up No Oh, I'm so sorry

That was so just That's okay That's a great question I think that's good I don't think I'm gonna blow up on TikTok I'm 111 years old But the important thing Is that I can still do that string dance

I don't know what that came from either That was me just in a monologue One night started to do it And then I started pretending There was a string and cutting it And rubbing a nipple And then I swear to God Six weeks later, I'm watching an NFL game

A guy scores a touchdown Drops the ball and does it And they were like, I said, What the hell is he doing? And he had clearly seen me do it on the show And I knew I was a God Oh, God Well, thank you so much

Nice to meet you Thank you I think I said it, right? Yeah Hey, guys I'm gonna wrap this thing up over there Let's say goodnight first to my... These guys really make this podcast

Son of a Sessian Matt Garley This thing would not work without them They're the best Did you know this one? Fall asleep, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walk in blues

Climb the fence, book some pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Walk with me, Susie Lee Through the park, by the trees We rest upon the ground Look at all the bugs we found Safely walk to school without a sound

Safely walk to school without a sound Here we are, no one else We walk to school by ourselves There's dirt on our uniforms Chasing all the ants and worms We climb up and now it's time to learn We clean up and now it's time to learn We don't notice any time pass

We don't notice anything We sit side by side in every class Teacher thinks that I sound funny But she likes the way you sing Tonight I'll dream when I'm in bed Silly thoughts go through my head About the bugs and alphabets When I wake tomorrow I bet that you and I

Will walk together again I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends Hey, you guys were amazing! Seriously! Thank you for making this weird part of my career So much fun, God bless you Thank you everybody! Good night!

Conan O'Brien needs a friend With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely Produced by me, Matt Gorely Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov And Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa And Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf Theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino

Take it away, Jimmy! Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering by Eduardo Perez Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts And you might find your review read on a future episode

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 And leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode And if you haven't already, please subscribe To Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend On Apple Podcasts, Stitcher Or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded