Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Steve Martin and Martin Short

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Martin Short feels duped about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Steve Martin feels sad about being Conan O’Brien’s only friend. Martin and Steve sit down to talk with Conan about his cameo appearance in their live show, season 3 of Only Murders in the Building, the origin of their working partnership, and run-ins with Elvis and Frank Sinatra. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. This episode was recorded on 5/17/2023.

Hi, my name is Martin Short and I feel duped about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hi, my name is Steve Martin and I feel sad about being Conan O'Brien's only friend. Fall is here, here and now, back to school, ring the bell, the brand new shoes, walking limbs, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend. And no, Sonna was not just punching me before she fled back to her chair. You swatted her elbow first.

Yeah, you did. You scooted over. No, I was trying to help her. She seemed unsteady and I would never swat at anyone. She seemed unsteady and I was helping her adjust herself in her seat. Oh, okay. I didn't realize this. I think you're just angry. I was talking about how, oh, okay. I didn't realize that.

You're just angry. I was talking about how many cups you had. You had like, yeah, like there was a mark over here. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Get ready. This guy's working. Listen, there was some shenanigans just before the podcast started.

Maybe I took a swing at Sony's shoulder, slightly missed it, and then she needed to retaliate. And then of course, teacher, teacher, I saw what happened. I did see what happened. From Mr. Matt Gourley over here. I did. And I tell the truth. I appreciate it. You're a truth teller. Because no one asked you.

You my big, big baby. What? What the fuck? Sometimes I start speaking before I know where I'm headed. Let me talk to you. Sometimes that is 97% of the time. Here are the three things that went through my head, Robocop style. Like I had a read out of options.

It was my big baby, my big daddy and my big gay boy. I'm none of those things. You're none of those things. I'm not saying this is like good or rights or healthy. I have a problem. I liked it. This seconds ago, I was taking a swing at Sona, and she was returning fire by swatting at me,

and then you end up the villain. Am I the villain or am I just the misunderstood genius? I appreciate it. I'm looking it up right now, and no, villain and fool. Okay, big, giggy. Yeah, you're just the worst. Well, it's faulty. The machine, the wiring's off, but someday it'll get there.

I do love, I used to love when people would get really angry and try to yell at someone and swear, but not be able to pull it off. And I knew people that would do that. I know someone in particular, I won't name them, but they'd be like, you shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, Let's see it. Go ahead, Jesus. You fucking piece a shit dick fuck. You're just a big sandpaper baby who's got little feet and don't even know who cheek people are. That's a good one. And to the fact that you don't know who cheek people are

is your worst quality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go buy some lips, you reach around. Yeah. What? Okay. You know what? Now you're on fire. lips. You reach around. Yeah. What? Okay. You know what?

It doesn't work. Now you're on fire. Okay. You started out. I mean, good Lord. You didn't have it early. Yeah. Now it's fantastic.

Yeah. No, but Sonia, you are very good. I've seen Sonia get mad many times. And often I have to say, not at me, just at random people. And you are a terrific at swearing. I am great. You're great at it. You are, you are concise. Yes. They explode out of your face. These, these curses. Is this the way you grew up? No. My parents would be horrified that I'd be cursing. And I think that's why I got good at it.

That's why because my mom didn't want me to curse. And so I was like, well, I'm going to show you I'm going to curse the curse of Louis Stray. Yeah. Well, good for you. Thank you so much. You overcame your obstacles. My dad no joke cursed a lot. And I'm wondering why that's why I'm bad at cursing

because I never got to exercise that muscle. My father, I have a specific memory, which is my father, you know, there wasn't much swearing in our house. Occasionally, you know, there wasn't. there wasn't much swearing in our house. Cajeline, you know, there wasn't much swearing in our house. Cajeline. Okay, that's nice.

That's serious. That's a good cursing. What are you talking about? You keep your Irish. No, the Irish curse means we have small penises. Oh, not that Irish curse. That makes more sense. Yeah, please, that's the Irish curse.

Okay, all right. I mean, I've been looking for mine for years. Yeah, that's the Irish purses. Okay, all right. I mean, I've been looking for mine for years. Oh, man. Give me a map. Help! Or you can say, No, we're going to stick on this theme now. I've used ways to find it.

Okay, no, we could go somewhere else. It's fine. Solid C++. Anyway, you dropped your penis. It's at the bottom of that tequila bottle. So anyway, no, I grew up in a very proper house. My mother really didn't want swearing and there wasn't a lot of swearing really not at all.

And then I'll never forget, I had my room was up in the attic. I lived up there with my brother Neil and my sister Kate and we were, there were so many of us, they said, okay, some of you were going up to the attic and it was pretty clear who was headed up there. So I'm in the attic. Now, what I remember, you're saying you didn't draw straws. Oh, no, no, we didn't draw straws. It was you three, you three up into the attic now. And we'll send a plate of food and you can figure out who gets it.

And there was plenty of space, a lot of empty bedroom. Tons of rooms. Tons of rooms. Boarding house. No, no, we had a car on a revolving display, almost like a floor. That's so much extra room we had. 1975, you had Skylar.

There was just so much extra room. But anyway, so I'm up there, and I'm in my bedroom, and it's dark out. And all our members, my father was coming up and he was trying to, he was trying to find something and it was very late and my sister, Kate, was not in her room at the time. I think they were doing some work in that room and all I know is that there was a bunch of junk in there, including a big bed frame that was jutting out at a weird angle. And so I'm in my bed and I'm just about to fall asleep

and my closet connected to my sister's closet. Like you could walk from one right through to the other. So there was, yeah, it was just a way for my sister to escape or for me to escape. It's the kind of house we lived in anyway, but I'm not lying, they did connect. There was just an opening and you could walk right into the other room. And so it's dark out and I'm just kind of falling asleep and my father comes up

the stairs and he's looking for something in Tate's room, but it's dark. And all of a sudden I hear this unmistakable sound of his shin, kidding, the iron bed frame that's jutting out in the darkness. And I heard, the iron bed frame that's jutting out in the darkness and I heard. I'm every single swear you could ever imagine. Oh, you're censoring yourself, but he didn't say. Well, I like it's funnier to me that it's just it's I remember it.

It was so jarring. It's so traumatic. I remember it as, get set up a sh**t out of the ass! A frisk, I get it! Sh**! That's how it's coming out. And I heard every swear that's ever been invented from this like, you know, very brilliant scientist.

You learned it all in one fell. Oh, in one, I mean, I, I, I've had a recorder running and I've had them all. Yeah. It's like, yep, he got every single one. And I remember just pulling the, pulling the, the blanket over my head. Oh my God.

Did he have, did he have like colloquial swords? Because my dad for some reason had his own like jazz swearling go where he would go, God dammit anyway. And God dammit all. Make sure you dammit every single way you can and all of it. he would like what is god damn it anyway mean he would put a good Mr. God damn it just completely takes the power away to god damn it anyway He put up the Christmas tree and it wouldn't work and god I love this man And I love him for this but he'd be like god damn it anyway

God damn it all and these were just like I don't know if they were like passed down through the family or what, but I now will stubble toe or something and like I have to stop myself from going, God damn it anyway. I think that's why I go to like, you're a cheek people. Yeah. Or a tooth lover. I don't know. I just want to get away from it. I want to stop the cycle. We had a lot of ethnic curse words in like a lot of Turkish ones in the Netherlands. More expensive, yeah. Well, one of my, this is bad. For people who actually know what I'm saying, they're bad.

But like one was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, That's he was Turkish my dad's Turkish. Oh my god. What is it about a Hava Shabashi? One was all shit on your dad's soul and my dad is saying that. That's amazing. And sometimes like, you know, he'd do it as a trick. I'll shit on your dad's soul. That is fantastic. That's Turkey. You devils.

What was the other one? Uh, the one's like, what, peasant thing is like a, like a pimper, sick deed is like, fuck it or, you know, it's Shola Shag is like a son of a donkey, you know, it's a lot of fun. I mean, whatever, but I'll shit on your dad's soul.

Yeah. That should, they should win the Olympics. Yeah, because that's graphic and poetic. Yeah. It's like figurative. Yeah, it is also very gross. And I think of the Yeah, because that's graphic and poetic. Yeah. It's like figurative. Yeah, it is also very gross. And I think of the soul as being ethereal.

Like, shit would drop through it. But no, this is proof that the soul has some viscosity. But what if the only way you could materialize a soul is to shit on it and you find like, you know, when you pour paint on the invisible man. Right. If you shit on the soul, you can trap a soul. Right.

Yeah, check your toilet ball next time. Make sure there's nobody's soul in there. Oh no, I just flushed gravel. Oh man. Well, she's going to a better place. Oh, don't shit on grandma's soul. She's going to a better place. The water solidization plant. Yeah, in our house it was all... Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I mean, it was all Catholic stuff. And so it didn't really, it was just more of a prayer. More of a litany. Your grandma didn't swear?

Oh my God, no. My grandma, my mom, who lived with us? I didn't, I don't know why I didn't swear. My mom didn't swear. My mom didn't swear. My mom didn't swear. No, you're thinking of pirates. No, no, my Irish grandmother was the most,

she was a very well-educated school teacher and she lived with us and she would say, Oh, Moses, oh, Moses. That was the, and she would say it all the time. Like, what's wrong, Mody? Nothing. Oh, Moses. Oh, God, that's like a haunted house like.

Oh, my God. Where the hell is this? You just hear that midnight. Well, she loved bad news too. She loved, oh, my God, something terrible happened. Oh, tell me, tell me. And she would love, because the Irish love bad news.

So once it was her birthday. And so I said, hey, my God, he's happy birthday. And I jumped off the top steps of our stairway and pretended to get hurt. Cause I thought that would make her happy And I jumped and then I was like that. I thought it was hurt for a second. Oh, Thank you. Thank you Anyway, this is a very ins educational. I think so now I will never shit on your soul. Oh, that's really nice Wait, thinking no, I't okay everybody uh... settle down

i want you to settle down sorry uh... i've got some exciting news and when do i have a statement it's never happened currently the friend is coming to you live at the broughland academy of music for two shows november seventh november eight as part of the new york comedy festival pre-sale tickets will be available starting this Wednesday, August 23rd, at 11 a.m. That's Eastern time, with the code NYCF before the general on sale, which is Friday,

August 25th, at 11 a.m. ET. I'm very excited about this to get your tickets and all information that you need. Head to nycomedyfestival.com, and we will see you very soon in Brooklyn. Yes. All right. You can't waste any more time. Let's do this. Because this is very rare.

My guests today, they are legends without doubt, comedic legends at the top. And they're also my personal heroes. And I'm so thrilled they're on the show today. They start in the hit Hulu series, only murders in the building. I am beyond thrilled. There aren't words, just so happy they're here. ["Holus Series"]

Steve Martin and Martin Short welcome. ["Holus Series"] Gentlemen, it's a rare honor to have you both here. Oh, thank you, Cohen. In the same room. I'll tell you what I think, it's rare to be here. It is. I left out the word honor, but it's just an oversight.

Just before we started recording, Marty, you verbally assaulted me. No, no, no, no, I said it with love that to me, when I see you, you look like someone freeze-dried Prince Harry. That's all I said I My staff looks forward to any time that Marty pardon me. I have a staff It's it gets it gets what kind of podcast

It's very looping. It's a lot of fun. It gets smaller every year. Yeah. But no, fans of my show, and yes, there are fans of the work that I've done in the past. Let's not have any mock surprise about that. But they have put together a mashup of Marty coming on the show and ripping me apart. And it is wildly popular.

Oh, really? Oh, yes, it is. It is wildly popular and it delights my writers to the point where the last time we were wrapping up the late night show, Epic 28 year run, thank you. I'm driving to the last episode that Marty's gonna do and he did a extremely funny bit on it and I'm driving to the theater. I look down and I realize I'm doing something I rarely do, which is wear shorts. And immediately I thought I'm driving towards the Largo theater and I thought, fuck. Who's on today? Marty's on today. And I knew that he would

destroy me. And sure enough, you come in and hello, hello everybody. And then I see those two eyes dart over and they see my freckled legs there. And it began. And it began and it began and it was quite a side. It was absolutely a terrifying sight. And you couldn't because normally you can't see where the stills are attached, but you could you could that day. The shorts were peeled way too much. Oh, and they were short shorts. Yeah, 1970. Yeah, Joey Heatherton.

Like you were entertaining the troops. But the writers were so, so happy. And then of course, you're the line that just, you set it on late night and it, it's lived forever, which is, well, you'll do it better than I, but it was Conan, whatever you're doing to your face, I say 20% more and then stop. Which is mean in nine different. I need it to love letter. It's a combo.

Well, I love it's also done with care. Yes. You're worried about me. Yeah. A little more, about 20% more. Now I feel like I have to put you down. I've got method No, you don't you don't because you're Steve. Oh help Well, I don't want to embarrass either of you so I won't mention that you are just two of my Absolute comedy heroes

I'm sure you hear that kind of thing all the time it bores you But one of the pleasures of my life, and I'm not kidding, was when you asked me to do a cameo in your show, your live show, Seasius Palace in Las Vegas. I was outside my body getting to be on a stage with you guys. It made me so happy, so legitimately sincerely happy. You killed, I remisoried. You did kill. I mean, we learned a lesson. You showed up with writers. One writer. I can't afford to. I showed up with my. Well, you're a writer. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah. That's true. Well, I suppose I am. Now, I, I, and, uh, in Matt, he's Madel Bryan, no relation, but I only hire a Bryan course. And, uh, he, um, idolizes you both as well. And he

was just in heaven. And then there was, but I thought, yeah, come along with me and help me tweak a few things since I really wanted it to be better than what I could do. It was, it was inspiring. And we've had people show up with nothing, no riders, and they did way better, by the way. And then I heard you guys later bumped into Letterman and he was like, Conan brought a writer?

No, no, cause Dave did it as well, one night, yeah, in Texas. What was the line you were sitting off stage with Dave and he looked, what was it? You were sitting off stage waiting for him to come on. They'd look kind of morose. This sounds like Dave so far. What was that?

Yeah, that was a, I remember he was, well he was, he had, they edit by the way. He had, No, no, no, no, he had, oh, not at all. No, an editor of cost money as well. Everything is in. No, but it was fantastic.

It was, but I remember you were saying that Dave was sort of, he had been off the air for just a little bit. And then of course, he always does the thing where he's horrified that he, if I go on stage, it'll just be awful. Yeah. And I'm like, you're David Letterman. What do you, you know, but he's done it. And of course the place goes nuts.

Yes. And then, and then afterwards he still has a negative feeling about it. He will. He, yeah, he, but he'd only been off a few, I think this was like in June and he'd left six weeks before. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

But he is, his personality is always, you know, he came by and which meant a lot to me, did a cameo on late night, which was his old always, he came by and which meant a lot to me did a cameo on late night, which was his old studio and he came by. And of course his attitude was, well, they're just gonna hate me. I don't like it. Well, there's a, you know, there's a, how will they know who I am?

Well, you say my name before I come out. There's a self-defense mechanism in being overly paranoid. And then when you get a little cheer when you come out and you go, oh, I was wrong. Yes, yes. I'm familiar with that. I'm smart.

Yeah, I think with me. Yes, I think, and I think it's kept me out of the big money, not having that attitude of just kind of going, oh, you don't like me? Well, you don't like you either. But yeah, it is a little. He does have that attitude. I'm the insecure shaking one. And he says, I don't give good night. Yeah. It is a little. He does have that attitude. I'm the insecure shaking one.

And he says, I don't give a fuck. Right. They're going to love me. Well, if they don't guess what? If I had dinner with them, I'd be bored. That's how I would. Exactly. Well, often that was your opening line though.

It was, and I didn't know why I didn't play. Who are you people? No one's bathed, obviously. Good night. Where's my big money? Why didn't I get the big money? Why don't they like me? They didn't never hire me again. So I got to see your show and I was so impressed with how you guys worked it out. And even though you both knew the show so well, you had a rehearsal and you were still working so hard to make sure that it went perfectly at rehearsal.

And I thought, this is, there are no accidents. Like, people that are good, in my opinion, they're, yes, there is talented, there is talent, but then there's just this, just, just mad desire to get it perfectly right. And it never goes away. Well, I always think that, that, by the way, I'm here to go ahead. Oh, what is that? Did you just sneak into this chair? Well, I always think that that by the way, I'm here to go ahead. Oh Did you just make it? I feel like I should I start raising my hand?

Okay, go ahead you say something. No, I don't have I had something I say I think we prepare I prepare out of fear Yep, and also love because when we get a new joke, I'm energized. The whole show I cannot, it's true. Wait to get to this joke and often they don't work. In fact, here's an example, because I thought, let me just say when they don't work, I am like either on stage or in the wings, I go hysterical because he's been so excited about this. Go ahead. I got a joke the other night. I thought, when I introduced Marty,

I thought, oh, this is really gonna work. And then we're gonna analyze why it didn't work afterwards. Yes, but I said, and this man, he's done live television. He's been in film and he's done Broadway. And truly, he is a master of the toxic workplace environment. And it was just so like, and I realized later it's had too many words at it. Yeah. No, no, no.

I needed to be more of like a casual throw away in the middle of the chat. It's also an inside toxic. You had to have just read the story about that toxic life. No, no, I don't think everyone is following, you know, variety. Every memory I was about a toxic workplace environment. Obviously not because you got nothing on the job. Remember that part? I mean, Conan Schwartz represent a toxic workplace environment.

Absolutely. Oh, we set all that up court. No, it's just, uh, well just, well, I've gone mad trying to just figure out why did one thing work and why did another thing not work. It's sometimes something works and you don't know why. It's because I don't know in on the face of it, whether that's, is that really a funny job? When John I was doing Letterman and they started to laugh and I didn't know why you mean you mean the show right? And they started to laugh and I said today what are they laughing at? He said nothing we're doing

But I think that we all overperper pairs so that if it doesn't go well, we don't blame ourselves That's you. Yeah, I think I think you but I overprep. But I over prepare out of fear, because I shouldn't have any fear. I really, I relate to that. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the feeling of it not going well is so terrible I don't wanna have that feeling. And yet today you don't seem particularly prepared. Oh, not at all.

No, no, no, no. I was you guys, I thought, what are you gonna do? You know, this is gonna be a mess. No, I've said this many times. I'm one no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, kind of work, but you like them and then you let them have their life and then you take them out. I was just thinking about one which I discovered because I was looking back through old material and the joke was in the opening of the show, we used it, I used it in my banjo show, which was you know, we tried to do, you know, a good show for everyone no matter whether you're seated down here in the VIP golden circle or up there, you know, refer to the balcony in the corroded

zinc fire pits. It's a little too early for a joke that lengthy, but I just like corroded zinc fire pits. Maybe zinc doesn't corrode, and the audience figured that out. You know what happened is the night that the chemist was in town. And they were like, you know actually. No, they just went, what's he talking about? Yeah. I was speaking about preparing.

I didn't get a chance to tell you this, Steve, because I guess you have color ID. But Marty took the call. Yeah, I did. And when you guys co-hosted SNL, I watched that month. You mean recently. Yeah, oh, that's the only time we've co-hosted. Yeah, that's right.

Of all the time. What was the 40 years? It was last season, and you guys did this monologue, and it was over, and I've worked there. I've seen thousands of SNL monologues over the years. I cut my teeth on that show as a young kid watching TV and I said, that is the best Saturday night live monologue I've ever seen. It was perfect. So you didn't like my other monologues I did? No, it's imperative. Well, whenever you would come out to do a monologue in SNL, everyone knew that was the time to go get a drink.

Well, here's the bathroom. No, here's, but it was perfect. It was absolute perfection. Okay. I raised my hand. Yes. So that monologue, we worked on it with the writers. We got some things, but we decided we're going to do a bit

from our show. So that will know we can trust it. So afterwards it went well, and the ratings for Sky High was the highest rated show of the year as far as I know. And I said to Marty, Marty, you know, the monologue went great. And the ratings were high. So there's a chance we'll be asked back

to host it some other time. And I said, and before you say yes, just remember, we worked on that monologue for three years. You guys had this, I know it's part of your show, but God, it's a good idea. The, I care about Steve and I care about Marty and it's so much so that I've prepared the eulogy already, you know, that I'm going to give for you. And you each have them on you and you damn it, it's funny. Well, it's one of the funniest things.

It's such a great, and the minute I hear that, the minute I heard the heard the idea I was saying oh, oh, this is a kill zone Well, the funniest line to me is Steve's opening line No, this time for me to talk remember narcissism is just within your No, but I want to do it. So I have a pre-story to that and then you can say that Well, I was gonna do your line. So you might as well keep talking. No, no, you'll do the line I'm saying that I had this idea that we would do this eulogy, but I couldn't get. I said, I just don't know how it starts. I don't know.

There'll be some jokes or something. And then actually a writer sent in and this line. So it would be me. So you be me speaking. The lights come down and it says, Remembering Marty and Steve's opening line is, gee, not much of a turn up. But it enabled the whole piece because we could get into it with the first laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. I love it occasionally. You get someone who thinks, why are they being mean to each other? And that always drives me crazy. The funniest thing to me is when we, you know, we doing our thing and he'll say something,

I'll say something and you'll hear somebody in the audience go, whoa. I remember one time being on Conan show and I insulted him a great deal. And then I went to, the next time I was on, I went to YouTube to see what jokes I'd done and I read the comments below and people would say, you know, he shouldn't talk to Conan that way.

If Conan wanted to, he could take him apart. That's a fun person to have dinner with. I know. Why are you making jokes? We had a, when I was why are you making jokes? We had a When I was first doing the late night show we did a piece where you know the most beloved one of the most beloved people the time Was Mary Lou Ratten the gymnast and she's you know small and cute and she won all these gold medals and everyone loves her And we did a pre-taped bit where I think Andy says I saying, I think I'm getting the hang of this late night hosting thing

and goes, Andy goes, you know, you could. Yeah, but the other night I thought you were a little off. And I said, I don't know your time on, we cut to a pre-tap of me just losing it on Mary Lou Ratten. And I'm screaming at her, fully committed. And we showed that audience laughs. I think the next day or the day after that, I go on stern.

Howard Stern, he takes calls and someone calls in. I saw the other night. And your behavior towards Mary Lou Retten was atrocious. I don't think you're funny. That was awful the way you spoke to her. I mean, I can't believe you didn't recognize my voice. Reminds me of a story. I don't know, these are like older elderly stories, but Mike Nichols was married to, is was

married to Diane Sawyer. And he was, you know, he said, hilariously funny guy. And he would say things like that, invite him to a party and he said, well, I'll have to run by the ball and chain. So he would call Diana's ball and chain as a joke. So then, and I think it was a vogue. Yeah.

They said, evidently, Mike Nichols refers to his wife as the ball and chain, you know, as a negative thing. So he wrote them a letter, which I think they published, but said, I realize that humor to your editors is like a cross to a vampire. Mike once said, Mike once said to me, we were at this party and he said, where are you staying? Is it in New York? I said, the Essex House. He said, no, but really? I feel like I was lucky in the people that I got to meet, but then I'll look at you too,

and I think you got to meet so many more people. Well, you're younger. Yeah. Now, you're going to meet so many more people, you know. Well, you're younger. Yeah. Yeah. And you're going to meet everybody. I mean, I, I remember sitting when I was 21 years old, and I was hired to write for the Smothers Brothers, and I was very naive and we're now we're all at dinner. And Tom and Dick are having telling stories about people, and I'm sitting there going,

I have no stories. I can't believe I don't have a story. Right. And I was 21. So you've got to be this age, 180 to have no stories. I can't believe I don't have a story. Right. And I was 21. So you've got to be this age 180 to have a story. You met General Grant. Oh my God. What a fun guy. He was but I do think there was that You said Mary Lincoln could be pushy But now even you know just just in the I, there's that clip that I've seen a million times.

I think it's you on the tonight show with Johnny Carson, Marty, and I think it's Betty Davis sitting next to you. Yeah, she was, she had already killed with her three episodes, three segments. Yeah, three segments. She's done the plate bit and everything. Yeah, she did. What do you mean the plate bit? You're making that up.

Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that thing. But you mean it, she did kill. She was, she was great. Oh, yeah, she was great. Yeah, but I just think, oh, Johnny Carson is the host of the tonight show and sitting next to you is Betty Davis. That's an era of, of, of show business.

Yeah, I've never met Johnny Carson. So it was particularly, because I loved Johnny Carson. Yeah, yeah, as we all did. Yeah, and I never met Johnny Carson. So it was particularly because I loved Johnny Carson, as we all did, so much. So that I didn't even do his show for 10 years or eight years, something where I, when I could have, because I thought, oh, I'm too hip, I just do letterman, but the reality I was scared to. Yeah. Well, and people don't even understand the era then, because it's all changed so much. But both of you have this experience where you go on, you'd go on Johnny Carson's tonight show and you'd do your, your set.

And the next day everybody had seen it. Yeah, right. And you know, you could walk through a hotel lobby and Steve would just drive from town from hotel to hotel just to walk through the lobby, wearing a shirt that said, did you see me on Carson? But people, people, I have so many stories that I've heard from comedians where they were not famous, they did well on Carson and the next day, everybody in the United States is saying, great job. Whereas today, it's just a completely different. My observation of that is a little different, but it's too

long and boring, but I'll tell you one, no, I'll be here that. Okay, well, that's what I believed. You went on Carson, and then the next day you were famous, but I found with myself, you went on Carson, next day, nothing. Then you go on Carson again, and the next day,

somebody looks at you like, said I meet you at a party, a long time, and then finally, it slowly starts to break through. And finally on my fifth appearance, where I finally got it together, I did a good, good shot. And I went into a store, I'm lost seeing a good boulevard in the woman said, where you that boy that was on the tonight show last night?

And I said, yes, I am. And she said, ugh. BANG. Yes, I am. And she said, Ugh. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that's going on my show and you're just gonna kick the shit out of me. It's gonna be so much fun. You are, you did a very funny thing about Spit Take, but it was, I could tell like his voice is a little different and you're being, you're being well behaved. You know what I mean? With Carson.

With Carson, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I never got you. I don't. No. No. There was a difference between being excited to be on Johnny Carson and then to be slumming it.

Well, there's certain people I've never overcome my awe. And Johnny Carson was one of them that I always felt a little, you know, I'm hoping I'm pleasing him. Yeah. You know, but they knew they had card games. Yeah, we played cards together. We had dinners. That's a famous card game.

People talk about that card game. It, we played cards together. We had dinners. That's a famous card game. People talk about that card game. It was really fun. Yeah. The lesson of that card game is everything changes. I mean, you're having well, you're having poker games with Neil Simon and Carl Reiner and Dan Millman and you know, Chevy. And then people die, you know, everything changes. I'm trying to bring up the party here. I hope we'll be able to. In the whole pan. Yeah. Well, I often think about that it's almost my, the fact that I get to know you guys and talk to you guys at all is how it feels like I'm linking to this very important. I don't know what I would say as I think everybody has kind of a disdain for their own era of show business and and and reviers.

Well, what we observe and I probably applies to you that younger comedians, like, you know, SNL guys that we kind of know, or you know them better than I, because you're a warm person. And but we see that camaraderie among them. That we assume the, you know, like Don Rickles had, you know, with Frank and, yeah. But I see that, we have camaraderie with people of our generation.

And I see that we see the younger people helping each other, you know, it's a, oh, absolutely. No, I mean, people like Fed Armason and John Malaney and Bill Hader are all close, close friends. And you know them. I was, they also have caller ID. I was talking to Fred Armason once. I mean, there's probably 10 years ago. And he's just hanging around SNL.

And he said, the latest thing that we, this is probably old now, but the latest thing is when you text someone and then the misspellings come up and the different words, you just don't change them. And you just send it off like that. But you do that to other comedians. Fred is an interesting guy because I remember, we were at a dinner once and might have been at my house and Fred was there and didn't say,

he's hilariously funny guy, but that night he didn't say anything. He didn't say a word. And I remembered him looking up and down the table and everybody's laughing and joking, and he was just observing it all. And he has that almost like, you know, I always heard Peter Sellers at a party was not a very quiet and kind of just observing.

And I think we were all there. We were, yes, you were there. It was a funny guy's dinner. It was a funny guy's dinner. You were there, Steve. I was? Yep all there. We were, yes, you were there. It was a funny guy's dinner. It was a funny guy's dinner. You were there, Steve. I was. Yep. Sure were.

You were a funny guy's. You were a last minute edition. I was the control group. Paulie Shore fell out. I've been so happy for both of you because you've got this crazy smash hit, only mirrors in the building, and I was initially very, very happy for both of you, and I love the show. And then I saw so much signage everywhere I drove in LA, and then I would even leave LA and I would go anywhere, and that would see both of your faces, and I would think,

you know, that's it. I've no more. No more. I can't keep seeing their, this is too much. This is too much success. I once did an intro for Tom Hanks. He was getting AFI award. And the bit was something like this, I'd say. You know, when I first saw Tom in Splash,

or on the TV show, it was in Buzzam's house. Yeah, I said, hey, this guy's good. You know, I wish him luck. You know, and then I saw him in Splash. I go, wow, this guy's good, you know, I wish him luck, you know, and then I and then I saw him in splash I go, wow, he's got some real comedy chops good for him. That's great And then I saw him in Philadelphia and said, Jesus, really emotional actor this really really good and then I saw him in What's the war movie? saving private Ryan and I thought mother fucker

I'm saving private Ryan and I thought mother fucker Can you say that at an AFI I guess you can't I did nice very nice Yeah, I was thrilled thrilled for both of you and it's we can see it on your face face. Yeah,. If you ignore the tears that actually have blood in them. And you both get to be so funny. We are so lucky to have a hit at this stage of Marty's life. No, we are. It's fantastic. You know, and the shows fun to do. The shows fun to do. We love Selena. We love everybody work with.

You know, you finally get to the point where a lot of people learn earlier. I'm not working with assholes anymore. It's over. It's over. So everybody there is kind and having fun and upbeat and working for the same goal. And then you guys announced the cast for the third season

and I became enraged. I know. Because I was like, you have a royal flush, but you're adding some more cases to it. You got a real street. Yeah, I'll tell you a story about a moral street. Yeah, really terror a new one. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were sitting around and we're going to start rehearsing a scene. and our, you know, our headwriters there, John Hoffman. And Merrill says, you know, I just want to say how happy I am that we're all here together and working so hard together.

And John said, yeah, I agree. And you said, John, that's her first line. And it happened more than once. There's a scene on stage where she's supposed to be an actress, she's going on stage, and she tripped, and then the second take, she tripped again. And you realized we thought she actually tripped. And we said, there shouldn't someone move that wire and say, yeah, it's a guy. And she also, she was supposed to do a song with a orchestra. And she should start to sing. And she goes, I'm sorry, I can't hear the rhythm.

And they said, well, can we, no, that was her, that was her line. That's her line. And it did every time we go, when are they going to fix that rhythm thing? I can't hear it. I did a thing. It was for Norm McDonald's here in New York. And they had some gathering. And I was, I guess, the MC for lack of a better word,

but I gave the first talk, but I went up on stage and went head over heels fall. People thought it was a pretfall, but it was real. And I was, you know, made a joke of it and everybody thought, well, and then moved on and then did my thing. And then I think the second person, yeah, the second person who went up with the third person, they tripped and I went to, you know, and I said to a stage hand, what's going on? Everyone keeps tripping. Oh, yeah, those stairs have been messed up for a long time. They're not, and he was like, they're not even, yeah, till everybody trips.

Anyway, no, they still haven't fixed those fucking stairs. Where is that? It was, I don't remember where it was Oh, thanks. Thanks. Well, it's that's the way we're gonna be tripping anywhere now. We're gonna go trip somewhere We also Paul Rudd. I'm just gonna say yeah, and I love that you you have this show that everybody agrees is fantastic Andrea Martin and you add you add Paul Rudd You know, you don't need Paul Rudd at this point. It's making it, it's too much. Yes, and Andrew Martin, and Tina Fey.

Yes. And Jesse Williams. You know who wasn't asked. Who? Oh, I know who wasn't asked. I know who wasn't asked because Conan has beady little eyes. We have no later than that. And the first season.

And Conan did, oh, that's Jimmy Fallon. No, no. No. I mean, your name came out. Oh, it came out. Yeah, and he said, you can't light the eyes. No. I can't light the eyes.

He's got those Charles groden eyes. You can't light them. They're like a doll's eyes. Yeah. Listen, you're gonna figure out a way to work me into this. Sure. Yeah, I think that- Hey, with the premises we're doing a podcast.

I don't know what you'll be playing. I know the title of the episode. Oh, yes, here we go. The circuses come to play. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

My favorite thing is getting excited about the nice thing I'm sure you're about to say. Yeah. Oh, good. What is it, Marty? It's the guy who has no memory of how Martin Shored has treated him over 25 years. The absolute-minded podcast. I love that.

Yeah. Oh, Marty's got something to say about that. Got me, gee, let's have it, Marty. Or also you could recognize it later that it was an insult. Marty said the nicest thing about me is as I was a total insult. Oh. That said the nicest thing about me. I'm so sorry with a total insult. Oh.

Oh. No, that's what you're about a podcast. I have the podcast. Please, that's not me talking. That's podcast magazine. Yes, edited by Conan O'Brien. Yeah, right. But yeah, I'm sure there's a way to fix me in, you know, that get me into the mix,

you know, absolutely. Yes. An honor. And he reminded me of a joke. I don't know why. I was doing a show next weekend. So these jokes are going through my mind. It was Marty would talk about me playing the banjo, which always insults, of course.

And the joke was, and maybe you use it, he said, and Bluegrass Magazine has recently named Steve the official ambassador of the five string banjo. It was between him and no one. I hope I didn't use this really. It's such a great joke. What is it touring around with Steve is a lot like the movie Deliverance. It's all fun great joke. What is it touring around with Steve is a lot like the movie deliverance? Mm-hmm. It's all fun and games until the banjo's

Yeah, you kindly had me to your apartment once and I remember first time I ever met you you do no I Do it was all the life when I Know that was really fun. I saw you rise up and then fall down. No, you came to our apartment and met you? Or was it so? No, no, no. We had worked together on SNL.

Yeah, I was very shy. And I remember, I don't want to get in Steve. So I was writing things but not approaching you. I was in the background. But then I was chosen for Lauren said, I think this fellow could host the late night show. It'll be rough for a few years, but you'll eventually get it. I think he could do it. So I'm named Letterman's replacement. And the first thing I do when I come out to LA is Lauren says, and maybe this is a thing he does,

but he said, let's take a walk through the flats of Beverly Hills. And people told me later on, Lauren, like, take a walk. And when he's taking this walk and he's giving me advice, he's saying, always tip, you're known now, always tip at least 15% real, you'll show up in the post. That was, I thought he was going to tell me, like, here's the secret. Yeah. But he was telling me things like that, which was fine. And then he said, let's see if Steve's in. And I didn't know, you know, Steve, you know, he's assumed Steve

Croft. And so, yeah. So, uh, we, he knocks on a door and you answer, and you have us into your place. And I was like, this is too much. I've, I've just been put into this situation. And I was like, this is too much. I've just been put into this situation and I need to navigate this. And now we're dropping in on Steve Martin and I'll never forget you had just had all the paintings taken down. And I think I just said like, oh, there are no paintings and you reacted immediately as if you'd been robbed.

What? Oh my God. I thought, oh shit, that's fun. That's a perfect reaction to where you're painting. Yeah. Whenever in studio, I remembered once, every day when then you'd be in the studio at 6 a.m.a. rehearsing and the lights would go out because of some situation in the building, rock-fellar-center, some situation, the lights would just go out. And Andy would always instantly scream, my pearls! Andy W. Andy Rector.

I was just, my pearls. And, uh, oh, I got to remember that funny. But I have to give them credit. Yeah, no, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. No, just take it. Andy was fine. I know I'll blow it.

My pearls, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my pants. How did you guys decide we're going to start working together as a as two-hander, a two-hander act? What have that come about? And I know it's I'll tell you what it's a boring story. So I'm going to give it to you. No, no, it was 2011. We were asked to interview each other for it was the closing of the Just for Last Comedy Festival in Chicago. It was May and it was 2011 and we just what. What do we have for breakfast? I can. You had scrambled eggs. I had fresh toast. Come on man, I had zero.

No, and we interviewed each other and that was it. And it went well and we thought we'd do it again. And we just then. Well, the funny part is we were interviewing each other about comedy for a comedy festival. Yes. So we could talk about comedy for a comedy festival. Right. So we could talk about comedy, kind of like we're doing here, but, you know, to comedy people, it's kind of interesting. So we thought, hey, let's do that again.

So we got a corporate gig or something. For dentists. And so we're sitting and we're talking about comedy and we're thinking, this doesn't work. And then we started, and Marty had a show he did, uh, solo, and I had a show that I did with a band, and so we kind of combined them. But he had material, and I had a bunch of songs with funny intros.

And when we first started working together, he had everything, and I kind of had nothing because I didn't bring the band. I said, well, I got to bring the band. So that's when it started to gel into a show. And I can go on. Did you? Did you ever? Did you ever?

It's first of all, that was great. Anyway, I was saying that. I was saying that. No, I think you said it. Really? You know, this is just a reminder. Just what I didn't think I got through the part. Oh, you didn't need it.

It just reminds me of, I made the mistake once of, and you know it, it's like wearing the shorts, but I knew I made this terrible mistake of someone had mentioned food and what they eat and I said, well you know what I do now is I eat two meals a day. I have like a shake at 11 and they put a lot of spinach in it and then I try to eat dinner early like at five. And then as I'm finishing saying it, I see Marty just staring at me. The way a shark looks like it looks at a canned ham that fell into the ocean.

And he looks at me and he said, you know, when other people discuss the details of their diet, it's boring, but not you. And of course, there were some writers standing around who were like, yes! What they love when the boss is attacked. That was also just me realizing, why did I get into this? Why did I lather myself up with bacon grease and then climb into this piranha pool? Why did I do that?

My wife has a very wise about talking about what you eat. She said, you're allowed to talk about what you do eat, but you're not allowed to talk about what you don't eat. It's very good. I like that. Yeah, I like that. I mean, if this podcast, if we go away with one thing, that's it.

It's like with me, beats. I don't. I don't. I don't One thing I was curious about is when you come up with a great new insult For the other do you ever try it out in the moment on stage or Do you ever have to try to surprise each other? Uh, not really, but sometimes we've come up with things. And then we'll go right to the prompter afterwards and say, right, you know, we'll remember what what what prompter that if we had a

prompt, we have a say if we had a prompt. Yeah. So you're saying, if we had a problem and we came up with a joke, we would go over and I said, I mean, now we just go to our own mind, so you're saying if we had a problem and we came up with a joke we would go over and I said I mean now We just go to our own mind so lock it in Well, we were talking earlier about people you've met and I know Steve that you got to meet or kind of meet Elvis I did and I told the story a million times. So I don't know. I just worthwhile Well, I just love it. So well, I was it was 1971 Mm-hmm And I was opening for Anne Margaret at the Hilton in Las Vegas,

which is no longer there for good reason. It's like they tore it down the following day. The worst comedy room. Yeah, you know, like a ceiling that's like 80 feet high. Yeah. So the laughter rose above the audience's head about two feet. They stopped. But anyway, and Elvis was opening the next weekend and he knew Ann Margaret. So now it's after the show. I know Elvis is going to come back and say hello to Ann Margaret.

And so I leave my dressing room door open. And I did act, it's 1971, so the act is not fully formed. It's got a weirdness to it. And so Elvis walked by and he saw me and he stopped. And he said, son, you have an oblique sense of humor. And then he came in. And now we're talking, I'm talking with him. I don't know what to say. My manager was there who knew all about sun records so we can talk about that.

And then there was a pause in the conversation. Oh, first of all, this is the part I loved. Elvis has a guy who comes up to him to get him out of conversation. So Elvis, I'm sorry, we have to go. And in this case, he comes up, I'm sorry, we have to go. And Elvis said, it's okay.

I've been blessed. So then we're talking, then we run out of conversation. Then he said, I want to see my guns. Jesus. And we said, sure. And he was a, he was a gun, he liked artful guns. Yes. I can engraved. Sure thing. And he was very cautious. They were loaded. And so he took out a six shooter and he opened it up and dumped all the bullets in his hand. And before he handed me the gun to look at it, and I was looking at it, I marveling at it. Then he took out another gun, did the same thing, dumped out the bullets, handed it to me, and then they pulled out from his sock, a darenger, and then opened that up, dumped out the bullets, handed it to me, and then they pulled out from his sock, a derringer, and then opened that up, dumped out the bullets, handed it to me, and then I'm holding three

guns and he's holding 16 bullets. And I'm thinking, where is Elvis' guy? Yeah. To get me out of this. Do you remember when he was wearing? Yes. All white. It was Elvis Slim and he had the all white

and he wore that big buckle that the Hilton had given him to him for biggest show ever in the history of the world. Right. But he was very sweet and very nice. Yeah. And that comes across when you know that. That's a famous face though. Elvis, you're right.

Jesus. Well, also the reason I wanted to, because I know that you met Frank Sinatra Yes, and who's your absolute idol, but it was obviously one of those situations where you because I remember you told me this once You were at a bar and it was at George slaughters house. Oh George slaughters house. Okay. It was after a Sinatra surely McLean concert of the Greek theater Mm-hmm, and we all went back to his house and Dianaora was there. She was a big fan of SCTV. Oh great. She's going on about it. And I'm thrilled to meet Diana Shora. And she said, Hey, do you want me Frank? I said, sure, sure,

sure. And I went up to him. Now this next part, Paul Shea, for maintains, I've made up because he said he didn't speak like out of guys and dolls. And I said, well, he did though. He said, I said, it's just not our Martin show. And he said, I know well of you on your models. I know well of you. Yeah, I know. That's not God. Now he didn't. Yeah. Anyway, then, then he said, would you like a drink? And I said, sure, he said, what are you drinking? I said, anything you're drinking, Frank. And so he turned to the bar and said, Jack Daniels, and I didn't drink scotch

so the bartender said straight up, we're on the rocks. And I was nervous, I thought he said straight up, or relaxed, and I said, I'll have it relaxed. And he said straight up, we're on the rocks. I'd known Frank 15 seconds and I'd pissed him off. He starts, yeah. Julie, beat the crowd by this guy. Yeah.

Are you a moron? So I, I'm a good, good friend. Now, it was, when you meet those people, it is surreal. But, you know, I used to have that with Mike Nichols and I knew for 20 years that I was still in awe, like you talk about Carson. You're in awe of being in their presence. I had, I mean, this is someone he, both of Metabillion Times

but Lauren once asked me to go to a, he said, you know, which I like to go to a Yankee game with me. And I said, yeah, I'd love to do that. And there was a playoff game on the Red Sox. And so we're, I get in the car and he says, I think he said we're picking up a friend. I didn't hear who he said we were picking up,

but he puts, you know, so I sat up front so there was room in the back for Lauren and his friend. I set up with the driver and we start driving up and then we start to slow down and there's someone leaning against the lamppost and like a very cinematic way and we slow down and it's Jack Nicholson. Wow. And Jack gets in the back seat and he goes in and goes, you know, he's like, how you doing Lauren? He's like, oh, then he says, and this is a corner going and he's just very nice, just said nice to see you. And I said, oh, so nice to see you, sir, you

know, and then we're, we drive, we see the game. And my experience was, if you want to be anonymous, walk with Jack Nicholson, because I am, my life is, I'm six four, I have this pastry on my head. I am immediately like me or dislike me. Everybody knows it's me and I walk down the street and everybody knows it's me and suddenly nobody saw me because I'm walking three feet behind Jack Nicholson. But then the real treat of the night,

so we chatted a little bit about a few things and but didn't talk much. He mostly spoke with Lauren and then he drops me off at the end of the night and I think, well, this has been great and I get out of the car first because I'm just going to walk. We dropped Jack Nicholson off and he gets out of the car and I just said it was a real honor to meet you. You know, Jack and he said, my boy is crazy about you. And I said, he said, I'm never forget, he said, my boy, we're standing there and Lauren's still in the

car and he goes, my boy is crazy about you. Every morning, it's Conan, this and Conan, that, it's driving me fucking crazy. craze. I had no idea. They'd even, I had a, but I just knew that I was an irritant in this life. And that made me very happy, very happy indeed. I've just got back up because I can remember this great joke.

And I think it was a Shecky Greens joke about Frank. And it might have been Don Rickles, but I think it was shaky green. He said, and he said, and Frank's in the audience. He said, Frank saved my life one night. You know this joke? He says, Frank saved my life one night. I was in an alley and I was getting beat up by some guys.

And Frank said, that's enough. And then there's the famous Rickles joke, which I'm, it's story, which I'm sure is true, which is Rickles asking Frank. He's like, I'm dating this young girl. Could you, this young woman, it would really mean so much if you just came through the lobby and walked through the restaurant and said hello to me in front of her. That would really mean so much if you just came through the lobby and and walked through the restaurant and said hello to me in front of her. That would really help me seal the deal. And so Frank Sinatra comes through and walks up to Rickles and his date and says,

hey, done. I just want to go. And Frank, please, I'm eating. And Frank leaves the restaurant and then about 30 seconds later, two guys come in and pick up Rickles, carry him out of the restaurant and then about 30 seconds later two guys come in and pick up Rickles carrying him out of the restaurant and dump him in the fountain Is that last part true? It was a it was a fountain. It was a fountain of acid That's the part that's less funny. Oh Frank had it constructed. Yeah, you could be killed on Rickles Yeah, they did. Yeah, he never lived past 1961. Guys, I'm going to let you go because you have, it's been made. Wouldn't you like to get some part of this interview that's usable?

This is, you're a young lad, you haven't, you've listened to some of my, I'm going to say this is my favorite episode, maybe ever. This is my, certainly not. This is a spectacular episode. I'm just This is my, my favorite. Certainly not. This is a spectacular episode. I'm just going back over why we're doing it. It's because of your admiration for me in my world. Well, that's a very, very famous podcast. I understand that.

Yeah, I know. And so we should be honored to be part of it. You can't get it. You couldn't say it to the straight face. Hey, after this, that's you and me go and cash our checks. Let's do it. We need a big bag here. I mean, not a big bag.

I have ideas. Maybe we'll get some cash and some just the cashiers check. Yeah. And I have a servant with me. He could carry the bouillon. You know, you guys have always kept in touch. That's what I like about you. You never got in the bubble.

You're out there. Oh, I'm of the people. Always kept in touch with whom. What do you mean? You just didn't touch with the people. Oh, right. You know what I mean? You're going to the bank.

You'll probably have to stop and get a wheelbarrow. But you do it in a humble way. Would you say that with success you changed? I'm pausing. You can't help but change, but. I'd say I have changed for the better with success. That's what I think. Yeah, you probably disagree.

I was gonna say I can't wait to fall on you, when did you, did you know Steve? I mean, you, I met him on three amigos, 85 July. Yeah. And then we became great friends. And then you make that decision of whether you're going to just have that two-month experience of making a movie and never see someone again or not. And I think we both chose to keep hanging. Were you guys, this is interesting.

You bring up three amigos because you make that movie. It came out and it did what it did, but then it goes on. And I don't know when it happened, but within maybe 10 years of it coming out, there's this whole generation that seizes that movie and says this is one of our favorite movies and it has grown since then in a way that I think is well deserved, but it's kind

of fascinating to me. Did you, were you away from happening? That's what happens with a lot of my movies except for the 10-year part where they like it. Well, I've always found that you never know if a movie is a hit or success until 10 years ghost bike. Because some movies are big hits when they come out and then you never hear of them again. And then some movies tend to grow.

I was surprised. In fact, we got a call from a magazine in London and they said, we want to, it was a film magazine. They said, we want to put you Marty and Chevy on the cover. And we said, why? They said, well, it's you Marty and Chevy on the cover. And we said, why? They said, well, it's the 25th anniversary of three amigos. I said, you care. And that's when I started noting that there was some kind of thing happening. Yeah, it's got this whole other life. And I don't, I can't tell you how many times I've seen, they'll ask

various rock musicians, artists, athletes, just anyone, politicians, list favorite movies, and then three amigos keeps popping up in there, which is really great. Well, Steve wrote it. Well, with Larkin and Randy Newman. That's right. That's right. But you said you wrote the funniest part. Yeah.

That's a totally Randy Newman wrote my favorite joke and the whole thing. And it's when El Guapo, this is birthday. And all this men are celebrating and he opens a package and he goes, it's a sweater. I love the canteen joke so much that you're both, you know, the three of you are running out of water. Oh, canteen. The canteen and just there's barely enough. And then just luxurious. Chevin. I love it.

I love spending out. Yeah, lip balm is so fantastic. My favorite joke is that we go into a saloon that's filled with bad guys. And we're all in our spangly outfits. And I go up to the bar to say, excuse me, we're not Mexicans. We're from out of town. Was it fun to make?

Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was. We were actually, you know, in Arizona and on locations and building these beautiful sets, you know. I just want to know, because sometimes I've known, and when you're having a blast making something, I've sometimes get worried. You're having a really good time making something that this means it won't be good. One of my favorite lies, I just, somebody reminded me of it too, at the end. The very end, I go up to Patrice Martinez. This was a beautiful actress who played Carmen.

She passed away, unfortunately. And just supposed to be like something between us. And I go up and we're about to ride off. And I say to her, I'll be back one day. And she says, why? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I the rest of the day? I'm sure you've blocked out a whole chunk of time with me. Well, I've got to do my 5bx workout. Incredible. I was going to say you look amazing. Thank you. And today it's ab day. So I'm going to work on the abs. And that's most of the day. So I'm gonna work on the ads. And that's most of the day.

Just hard for me, when you say that, for me not to think of your role on a rest of development, where you're the bullet, you know, shoot me. Shoot me. And my son adores that show. So the times that you've been around, as much as you've done, you never know what's gonna get get people. Yeah. Yeah. And he's seen and really liked your other work, but you as the bullet, whatever. Isn't that your? I was a guy. I was so old. I was their uncle that my legs didn't work, and I had to be carried around. Oh, right. I know about that. A strong man. Yeah. And we kept adding jokes. And at one point, I said, to the nuts, and they put me down to Jason Bateman's you know testicles. I went bridge mix bridge mix

But it's just so nice that you do these different things you never know what's going to catch with who and then You know my son who now is 17 but at the time he was seeing it, he was like 12 and he was like, well, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. And I'm like, well, he's, he's at the, you know, he's coming over tonight and it's just, it's lovely. It's very nice.

Gentlemen. Okay, thank you, Conan. I, I wanna let you go. Thank you very much. Think about the cameo. Uh, oh yeah, of course. I will play a small part. I have a tendency to shoot the lens. I look right into the lens. Wow good. Yeah, what would it be? Yeah, it's funny

like monster crushers, tons people and then is arrested from murder something like that. But I like why I like I I go to you. Why do I ask for more? I like Conan's approach because most actors try not to look into the lens. Yes. I would be have a small role where I'm literally carrying crab cakes in the background at the nice Westside apartment and I stop and I turn and look right into the lens and freeze. That's what we're going to do. No, Steve's taking a call. No, no.

Oh, no, I'm looking at the right, my plans for the rest of the day, because you ask and then I realize I have none. In fact, well, perfect. Okay. the right my plans for the rest of the day because you asked and then I'd realize I have not in car well perfect Okay, I thank you very much guys You both mean the world to me and this is like I don't know We will never top this episode and I know that you are being self-effacing and saying we've killed time Is in an absolute joy? Absolutely, I love you too. I love you. Well, you know, and saying we've killed time is an absolute joy. Absolutely. I thank you. I bow to both of you.

I bow to you. Well, you know, and obviously we both been influences, but it's one a little bit more. Oh, me. Oh, you can't see everybody. He's looking at me. Thanks, Conan. No, anyway, Steve, your car's here.

Guys, go, go in case. Thanks a lot. Thanks. By the way, yes, you forced this on us. Yeah. Hi, my name is Steve Martin. I feel blank about being let's hear you do it spontaneously, but replace Conan. You know what they do it. You could do another version and they could put it that was fantastic. I thought I did do a good. Oh, no, I'm challenging him. You go, something we have to learn lines. We're doing it.

It's not learning a line. It could be a, you know, you have to write. You don't write, you could have a sincere emotion and say it in a moment. Oh, you know, I never thought of that. Yeah, I could say, my name is Conan O'Brien and I feel overwhelmed, overwhelmed with gratitude that Steve Martin and Martin Schoerke even know my name.

And that's a sense, you know, there I go. Okay, it doesn't have to be, you know, I didn't have a writer work on that. So you wanted us to compliment you. Yes. We didn't think of that. Okay. Thanks a lot. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by the White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Coco Hotline at 3-2-3-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are down. you