Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Steven Wright

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Comedian and author Steven Wright feels anxious about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Steven sits down with Conan to talk about honing his trademark deadpan humor, debuting on Johnny Carson, and pouring everything he thinks about being alive into his new novel Harold. Plus, Conan tries to make Matt Gourley jealous with an in-person visit to an iconic James Bond filming location. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Steven Wright and I feel anxious about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am the aforementioned Conan O'Brien, famed in song and story, and I'm joined, as always, by Sonam of Sessian. Hi. You could work on that.

And Matt Gorley. What songs are you famous for being in? Just songs about me, oh here he comes, he's the great Conan, look at him go, he's the funniest guy in the whole wide world. You know, songs that are just sung in general in the popular American catalog. You know, it's funny stuff. He becomes Conan, funniest guy. He's as funny as a beat. I was just gonna say, my kids are obsessed with, there's this soccer player named Lukas Podolski.

Do you know who he is, Eduardo? He played a while ago. German, right? Yes. And there's this German song where they sing it for him. Like, Lululu, Lukas Podolski, my boys are obsessed with that song. Wait, how are they hearing it? Yeah.

What station are they listening to? They're not, it's not on a station. Well, how do they know the song? It's like a fan-made song. Tak played it for them, and now they're obsessed with it. They just come up and they're like, Lululu, and so we have to play it for them all day. It's funny, I've been playing my daughter the original Swedish Pippi Longstocking theme, and she's obsessed with that. Are you seriously?

Are you serious? Yeah. I, when I was a kid, we found, we used to go stay at my grandfather's house down in Miss Kwamakut, Rhode Island, and we went up in the attic once. It had one of those like, you know, ladders that you pull down, and it was this attic that, you know, stuff had been up there since the 30s and 40s. It was very musty, and we found these old comedy records. And so we would listen to these old records.

I remember one of them was, Yeah, boo, yeah, boo, it's lots of fun to do if you like it holler, yeah. And if you don't, you holler, boo. That's a comedy record. A comedy record. Yeah, exactly. And it was just these kooky records that we would listen to, and this is, you know, like long before internet or anything like that. So what else are you going to do on a rainy day at the state beach in Miss Kwamakut, Rhode

Island, except listen to, Yeah, boo, yeah, boo, it's lots of fun to do if you like it holler, yeah, and if you don't, you holler, boo. And fast forward to years and years later, I'm hosting the late night show, and this is on the air. I'm doing the show and whatever it's, we're a couple of years in everything's rolling along. We're just cranking out a show every night. And so you just start to get so loose.

And at one point I'm talking to the crowd and I made some joke that had like a maybe word play or something in it. And the crowd playfully was like boo, boo. And I went, Yeah, boo, yeah, boo, it's lots of fun to do if you like it holler, yeah. If you don't, you holler, boo. The whole crowd was like, what the fuck was that? My producer, Jeff Ross, Mike Sweeney, everyone's staring at me. And it just burbled out.

And then I remembered this thing that I heard Johnny Carson said, he didn't say it to me, but he said it to somebody years ago. He said, when you do a show every night for an hour, everything in you eventually comes out if you do it long enough. And it's right. This record that I listened to in the rain on a rainy day in 1971 that's completely nonsensical out of nowhere, the crowd boo, well, yeah, boo, yeah, boo. And it's just crazy.

You're going to go really back and talk about your birth. I know. Do you think that's scraping the bottom of the barrel or that's only like halfway down and there's still way more. Oh man, there's so much. There's also records we listened to that now are completely just horrible in retrospect and politically incorrect. There's one called Slapper Down Again Paw, which was horrible.

I mean, we didn't know anything. We didn't even know what this, what it was all about, but it was a comedy record about I think we could figure it out. You get the idea. Yeah. And it was 1947. And you know, it was just, there are all these records in the attic and we would listen to one and you think just me even mentioning it might be triggering to people.

The prodigy came out with an album in 1998, 97, and one of the songs was Smack My Bitch Up. And I went to Coachella one year and we were singing it and dancing it and dancing to it. But you just weren't thinking about it. We weren't thinking about the lyric, but that's what they say throughout the whole song. And it's a great song, but that lyric is very problematic. Right, right. I'll stick with Ye Boo. I'll stick with Har come a Pippi Longstrum.

Wait, how does it go? Har come a Pippi Longstrum. Shula hop, shula hey, shula hop, song, song. What does it mean, though? Here comes Pippi Longstocking with a hope and a hey and a hope, Shana. Oh, so it does evolve into babble. Basically. Okay.

I suspected that. I knew that part. And the song is just in your song. It's in German. I don't know any of it. But your children know it. We listen to it constantly, but like I'm just like, I'm not going to learn this song. I don't know it.

I just know Lulu, Lucas Podolski. It sounds like such a Euro song. Did you see? Did you find it? Let's hear it. It's on YouTube. It's just the Lulu, Lucas Podolski song. And your two one and a half year old.

Yeah. Well, soon to be two year old twins. Yeah, that's right. Listen to this. They're obsessed with this. This is how they're learning about life. This is what this is what you're passing on to. Yeah.

And I don't know. Yes. Oh my God. Triggering. And then it stops. Euro club. What? Oh, it's glory.

Glory. Hallelujah. No, it's I think it's lowdy po poldy. No, it's to the tune of the tune of glory. Goldie poldy. Goldie poldy. Hallelujah. Yeah.

Hey, Dorado. And then it gets very Euro. Bring up Ingrid Nielsen's version of Harcum of Pippi Longstroom. You got you. That was the meat of it. You didn't even get to the Lulu. Part of it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Lulu. Part. Trust me.

We heard enough. Wait a minute. Guess what? When I hear a lot of Germans chanting, I get nervous. Yeah. Now check this out. This is from the original Pippi Longstocking series sung by Pippi herself, Ingrid Nielsen. Oh, this.

Here we go. This isn't it. I'm sorry. It's the one that has a samba beat. Starts with some bongos. Ingrid Nielsen is the key there. I think I'm calling child services. I know.

My kids listen to so many different languages. That's not it. That's not it either. I mean, he knows his Pippi Longstocking. I do. I love that you're like, no, that's not it. That's not it. No.

That's the studio mix. Yeah. No. This is the tune with the serenade. Here, Eduardo, what's going on? You were hired to be able to call up Pippi Longstocking songs. Here. I got it.

Why is it a samba? It should be. Okay. Now it's my turn. Find Yebu Yebu. Who's the artist? Let me see. Little Nas.

Well, because there's a few versions. Whoa. Let's go back. What do you think? Arthur Godfrey? Arthur Godfrey. Yeah. He's the one that also, I think, did the other.

Yebu Yebu, it's lots of fun to do if you like it. Yeah. If you don't, you holler boo. Yep. I hear the public school burned out. Yeah. What? But they saved old teacher Brown.

Oh my God. Hold it. Hold it. They're upset that the teacher didn't burn to death. Where does this go? Why does he sound like that? Oh, I don't know. It was a different time.

He's doing a funny voice for a funny record. This is back when, if you wanted to be funny, you needed to use a funny voice. How come Sirius XM isn't calling us for DJ sets? I have no idea. Be great. I should have a channel on Sirius XM that's all music you can't play anymore. From the attic. Yeah.

Music from my grandfather's attic. People get slapped around. Yeah. What happened to those records? I don't know. Boo. Save the environment. Boo.

Have a cupcake. Yay. The wealthy get wealthier. Yay. Ruin the environment. Yay. Yeah, they had different priorities back then. Yeah.

All right. Well, listen, I think we've plumbed the depths of our childhoods. And I can't believe you're letting your kids hear those songs. Come on. Those are terrible songs. They're good. Mine's not that great. Yeah, yours is awful.

Yeah. But to angry Germans. Here we go. It is a lot of angry Germans. Y'all be whistling, tippy. We must move on to a man who's wiser than all of us. And he will show us the way. My guest today, very talented, stand-up comedian and writer.

To say that is ridiculous. He's not very talented. He's brilliant. He's a genius. And he's been performing for over 40 years. He changed the game. He now has a fantastic new novel entitled Harold, available on May 16th. I'm much as excited.

I'm thrilled he's here today. It's an honor. Stephen Wright, welcome. You have one of the most iconic voices in comedy. And I'm not even talking about your perspective, which is iconic. But just when you talking is such a delight to me. Every time I've had the chance to interview you, I think my heart beats. Maybe 200 beats a minute.

And I think yours beats during leap years. Once. And I've always loved the contrast. When I get to talk to Stephen Wright, I'm, you know, a Tasmanian devil. And you are a moon rock that's seen it all. It's really beautiful. A moon rock that's seen it all. Yeah. Yeah, you have.

I'm lucky I sound like this because obviously I'm not doing this. This is how I sound. And it's contributed to my whole career by complete accident. Yeah. I mean, this is just accident. But I'm not, even though I sound like this and I appear to be so laid back. I'm not as laid back as you might think I am. I'm not like you.

I'm not like. Like, yeah. Like, like, you know, like, like on, you know, but, but my mind is going. You didn't finish that. Cause that wasn't, that wasn't going to be that sentences. I said, no, no, no. I'm on one of my first jobs, a writer named Steve Barker, who was from the deep south. He looked at me one day and he used to drink like whiskey out of his desk.

And he just took a long sip of whiskey. And he went, one day, O'Brien, you're going to blow and you're going to leave a nasty stain. Cause he, and I was like 22, but bouncing off the walls. But anyway, you said you're not as laid back as one might think you are. My mind is going faster than, than my being to the outside world. Like I can, I exercise every day. I want to exercise bike or a real bike. I can get off the bike, get a phone call and hello.

Oh, did you just wake up? Right. And you were just working out. 40 minutes on the bike. Right. I can tell you, if we, me and you were made out of bamboo. Yeah. I think about this all the time.

Okay. Let's continue that. If you and I were made of bamboo, bamboo poles, like 20, each person had with 20 to make a person and they, they have to wrap them around to hold them together. Yours are wrapped tighter than mine. So mine, mine are looser. Yours rattle a bit when you shake them. Yes.

Mine feels like one solid. Yes. I'm basically, there's some, it's wrapped so tightly. I'm like a steel pole. Yeah. You use your version to drill for oil. Yes. I've always thought, I've always seen you like.

Can't tell you, Steven, if I've heard this, can't just say, if I've heard this once, I've heard it a thousand times. I have so many people in my life that said like, do you have a second when I'm in the street? If you and I were bamboo, you're wrapped so tightly that usually do drill for oil. And I go, I know, I know. And Steven, I finished their sentence. I go, I know, and you drill for oil all the time.

Oh my God. I'm going to embarrass you really quickly. And then we can move on because you're not going to like this. But I am hard pressed to think of anybody who tickled my mind more when I was very young and just interested in, I mean, early 1980s. I'm 18, 19, and you explode on the scene. It was such a revelation to me that somebody could be so funny and so smart in such an original way.

It was very inspiring to me and to, I mean, tens of thousands of people, not just from my generation, but generations going on. And I don't know if you're aware, I know you're a very humble guy, but I don't know if you're aware how much you changed things. I hear about that I've influenced people. I've seen younger people that I can tell are influenced by me. But that's very nice of you to say that. Very nice.

And I feel very lucky because I didn't, like, this is how I think. That's how I write. This is how I speak. And it just, it just fell together. You know, there was no plan. Right. If I do it like this, like this, then I'll be this different guy. It was like, go to the open mic night and think, okay, I'm going to go back into it.

Watch the open mic. I'm going to go back in two weeks. I wrote stuff. I had never written anything. So I wrote it during the two weeks and I came back and then I was saying it, like, I mean, a lot, my half of it didn't work, but the distinctness is completely by accident. It's like a fingerprint, like your brain has a thing. Everyone's brain is a fingerprint.

And I'm so lucky that the thoughts and the way I speak went together. And I'm also lucky that it clicked with the audience because I wouldn't have another way to do it. But thank you. Thank you very much for the compliment. Well, another thing is when you're doing it, you're not thinking of a young kid watching it. You're just trying to make the audience laugh.

You're trying to do a good TV appearance. You're not thinking of, you know, 14 year old people. You're not thinking of that. No, of course not. I mean, if you are, there'd be something wrong with you if you're saying, if every time you performed, you were thinking of a 14 year old boy, Steven, that would be a real problem. Are there any boys out there watching? Hey, take it easy, Steven.

Any little boys watching? I'm going to be arrested and I didn't even say it. I didn't even say it. No, you kind of did say it. And that hat you're wearing is real skeevy. Just saying. The hat goes with the whole thing. Does it say that?

Does it say that? Okay, here's the thing I want to zoom in on. What I want to zoom in on that's important to me is that, yes, your brain is different and you have this way of seeing things and you come along at this certain time. The hard part is when you get up and you're in the clubs, there is a very powerful, powerful, powerful force that makes people want to conform. Because there's a way to be that's a little safer if you're in front of an audience. You clearly, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, are brave because this is the way you were going to do it.

And I'm sure there were audiences that didn't know what the hell was going on initially, but you kept going. Well, I didn't think of it to not do it. I didn't even think, well, I'm not going to do that. It just came out like it happened. I just saw it, but I made up rules. I had these four rules that I wouldn't do. That was on purpose to not just stay like a little separated. Can you tell us the rules?

No. Do you want to tell you my rules? I have ten of them. Yeah, thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. And maybe you should think about my ten rules. There's a much more known mind. I love if your rules are just about comedy, but you're a sociopath about everything else.

It's hilarious. What the fuck are you doing? I was going to say when you said thou shalt not kill. I don't have that. You come in your hands are all dirty. There's a shovel in the back of your car. Very strict rules about non-topical comedy. Very strict.

Hey, what happened to that lady? Don't ask. Oh, my God. So you know what was interesting is that you're doing this. Can I tell you my rules? Yeah, but keep it quick because I want to get back to me talking. This isn't about you. It's not about you. Oh, my God.

There's a clock. There's a clock running, Steven. This isn't about you. Oh, I have to talk to Steven right and find out what he thinks and his story. This is my chance to shine. I apologize for speaking. I wouldn't swear for two reasons because how I was raised was you wouldn't say that in front of people. You wouldn't say it.

The other thing is I noticed if you swore the joke would get a bigger laugh than it really would without it. Oh, then the horse fell down. Oh, then the fucking horse fell down. That second one gets big. I didn't say this. I just learned. So I wanted it to be real. Get the laugh on just the thought of it. And I didn't want to do topical things.

I didn't want to talk about movie stars or something in the news or something like that. I wanted the joke to not be attached to time so that I could do it for 20 years. That, I get. And the other one. That's two of them. There's four of them. I think that was three. No, it wasn't.

No, it's swearing. Attached to time. Don't list things. Oh, man. Oh, politics, TV shows, pop culture. And I did that on purpose. Not really so I could do the joke forever, which I did the joke forever. But because I looked at things, everyone is kind of saying this, so I'm not going to say that.

So a lot of it helps me what I didn't say. And then the beginning, there was a lot that were like more like regular comedy. Like 70% of it was the weird abstract. But then as I continued, even in the first eight months, that drift, that fell away. And it was just remained was this. But it's just a combination of like the writing was and is beautiful. Beautiful writing. And I'm thinking of your famous joke. I want you to do it, but I went into a restaurant that said they serve breakfast anytime.

So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. It's just, I mean, I have this always had this theory that a good joke actually has weight like the way an element does like it has a really classic line. You can almost feel the weight of it in the palm of your hand. It's fascinating the details of it all, you know, not connected to time. But that French toast joke, that was one of the only jokes I ever read ever adjusted. Because usually when I think of something, then I think of the wording, and then that's it. It's never changed. But that joke, it wasn't first, it wasn't the Renaissance. It was something else. I don't remember.

It was another reference to time, but it wasn't the Renaissance. And then I thought, well, I'll change it to the Renaissance. And then you connect the French, it connects more. So it's just like, it's fascinating the details. I'm fascinated by how people do it. Do you sit with a legal pad typewriter? What were you doing? I mean, and you know, you think I'm making a joke with typewriter. I actually do write stuff on a typewriter.

Because I like, yeah, I have some old typewriters and I just love the mechanism of it. And I love the kind of, I think I think a little harder when I'm working on a typewriter, because it's being put on paper and it feels more formal. Oh, it's more of a physical combination of thing rather than a computer. There's an F physical effort. In the first six months, I would get the newspaper out and look through it and see if something would click like to write, find a joke. But then after like six or eight months, my mind became,

because it's all based on what you notice, right? All the comedy is noticing. So my mind just became noticing. I didn't no longer look to the paper. It was just like you go out and you just notice. And one of my favorite jokes I ever did was I look into the paper and I saw electrolysis, you know, an ad for electrolysis. And I thought, what a word.

The sound of that word is interesting and what it means is interesting. So then my mind later came up with the, I lived in a building. They allowed pets and I had a pony. I had a Shetland pony named Nicky. And he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All the hair was removed except for the tail. Now I rent him out to Hari Krishna family picnics. And that was because I saw that because I saw the ad.

You know, I drew a lot for anything before growing elementary school, high school, drawing and painting before I ever wrote anything and when you draw something you notice realistically. I changed to abstract in my twenties, but before that it was real. Like so you really notice stuff. Like if you're going to draw this glass in this bottle, the shape of the glass and the shape of the bottle. But the shape in between it is also a shape.

And that helps you get it accurate, you know, to make it look real. And I think that exercised my maybe, my noticing abilities. Like because it's just like all the comedies from noticing, you know, in the tower, in the airport, you know, the tower they have with the radar. So the radar sweeps like this and then there's little dots of the planes. So my subconscious was scanning, was scanning. I'm not walking down the street, I need another joke, I need a new joke.

I'm just walking down the street, but the scan is going like this. It's because his mind is in that state. He's looking and looking and looking and it fascinates me. Especially when you get doing it enough where you're making a living, even if you're just barely paying the rent, you're making a living from the comedy, you know, $100 a week. That's $300, $400 pays the rent, even less than that. So you have time, you don't have to go somewhere and do this, this, this.

So you're wandering around, you know, like a four-year-old. To me, the world is made up of like a giant mosaic painting. It's little tiny fragments that make up everything. I've noticed things where I combine, oh, this could be connected. This thing that has nothing to do with this does have a common denominator, maybe in the word or something. And then you combine, I'm not thinking, when I make it up, I'm not doing what I just said to you.

No, no, no, it's happening. It's happening. It's like, oh, that could mean that. It's a bang, bang, bang. Yeah, it really cracks me up that my dad's a scientist and he said once that he's not a good one. I mean, he's a shitty scientist. We don't even think he has a degree.

He just walks around with a microscope that he found. A microscope that he found? Yeah, he tied it, he wore around his neck like Mr. T with a medallion. And he said, I'm a scientist. And then he just hung out at the train station. At the train station? Yeah, eat grilled cheese sandwiches. We were like, he's a scientist.

Yeah, but he said like, the job of your brain, the thing that's happened in evolution that's supposed to keep us alive is our brain making connections that make sense. Like, huh, got a fire here and I've got meat here. When I cook the meat, it actually tastes a little better. I'm going to start doing that. And I think there's something with the comedians I really admire like you, there's almost something of a miswiring that wouldn't work in evolution,

but we're connecting things that shouldn't be connected. And my dad once said to me, and I met, said it before, but he looked at me once and he said, it's interesting because he's very honest and he's also very smart. And he said, you're making your living off of something that probably should be treated. And I realized he's not wrong. That's hilarious. It's taking, you know, you can have breakfast anytime or, you know,

the electrolysis joke, you're taking things and putting them together and they live on completely different synapses that aren't supposed to cross. They're not supposed to be touching each other, but something's either wrong or right in a beautiful way. And that's what happens. Somehow you see a connection. You know, I remember it was talked about a lot of the time, but you went on Johnny Carson in 1982.

I believe it was your first spot. Very few comics get to go on. It's almost impossible. And if you do get on, it's a big deal. And you went on, if I'm remembering it correctly, Johnny was so impressed. You were so different and so smart that they invited you back very quickly. Is that true? Yes, I went on Friday and the next Thursday.

Which hadn't, I mean, that didn't happen. It was insane. When they called me on Wednesday, Jim McCauley, he started talking about the show and I thought he was reviewing, referring to the one that happened. I didn't understand what he meant. He said, no, no, we want you to go on tomorrow. Did you have another set? I had another set, but I had like a total of 15 minutes of stuff that could go on there.

And I remember saying to him, but if I go on there tomorrow, that's three years. More than half the stuff is gone. And he simply said, well, you're going to have to write new stuff anyway. And to go on twice in one week is so amazing. It was unprecedented at the time and seismic. And that was a time when if you went on that show, you were famous overnight. I mean, people recognized you the next day because that was all anybody was doing at 11.30 at night, was watching Johnny Carson. Yeah, because it was three channels and cable was just starting.

It was like going through the Allison Wonderland, going through the door there. You know, and Peter Lissali, you know, this, you saw me in the Dinghou Chinese restaurant in Cambridge. If he was the producer of the tonight's show. And then two weeks later, I was on there. We were talking outside in the driveway. Do you remember when we were in the driveway? Yeah, it was about 15 minutes ago. I'm still capable of remembering things.

But yes, there wasn't a judgment on you. It was just simply, I'm very accurate. I don't even know what I was saying. We were talking about you're at the Dinghou. Oh, it flukes, flukes. Different accidents. Accidents. Little things that happened to change the course of your life.

You contribute. You know, someone wrote an article about that Chinese restaurant went in the LA Times. I don't know why. Then he saw it. Then eight months later, he was going in the summer to go to Massachusetts in New York. Because his kids were going to go to college. So they went on a college summer trip. And he remembered the article.

So he calls up and, you know, this is a lot of flukes. Yeah. I'm very fortunate. It's clear that Impressionism are abstract. I'll use the word abstract. Abstraction is really important to you. And there must have been a time in your life when you were a kid or something where you saw abstract art or you read abstract writing and it rang a giant bell in your head.

It wasn't writing. It was Salvador Dali combined surrealism. When I had an art class 11th grade in Burlington, Mass, we went into Boston to one of the main museums and that's where I first saw surrealism. I never even heard of surrealism. And two of the paintings I remember, it was a painting of a clothespin in the middle of the field and it was the size of a silo. But it didn't look cartoonish.

It didn't look ridiculous. It was like, oh my God. And then there was another painting of a road coming down like this. And then when it went down like that, it turned into a waterfall. And I mean, I was 16. I'm telling you these paintings. I was jolted by the combining of these two realities. And a lot of the writing we were just talking about, the Mosaic thing is like, oh, this,

you know, this is not a clothespin. You know, that jolted me more than what I read influencing. But your head is like a soup. Everyone's head is a soup. Don't you think? It's the ingredients, you know. Kurt Vonnegut, surrealism, Monty Python, the comedians all over the tonight show and you know, listening to albums and it all goes into Woody Allen.

To me, he's still the best. He's the top guy. His writing and all that goes into your head. I was a big Bruins fan during the Bobby Orders. I had to be, by the way, because I was growing up. I was in grade school then. I was in second, third grade. And all anybody talked about back then was Bobby Or.

And Phil Esposito and, you know, everybody because, you know, Bobby Or was the biggest thing in the world. And in Boston, we just couldn't believe that we had this phenomenal, phenomenal player who was changing the game. Incredible. That time was incredible. And I would listen to the games in my bed. And I had a radio in the bed.

And one night I was just fooling with the dial and I stumbled on this show where a guy played two comedy albums every Sunday night. So I started tuning in. He played cut from one cut to the other. And I'm laying in bed in the dark and I'm listening for like two years I'm doing this. And I didn't know it, but I was like going to school, comedy school, because I'd be thinking, oh, I like that guy. Oh, I don't like that.

But anyway, it goes back to the soup. Don't you think all your head is like made up of all these different random and sometimes on purpose ingredients? Yeah. I think that's, that works. I don't, you know, I prefer a stew. A stew? Yeah.

It's a little heartier. Mine is, I think yours is a very light broth. But mine. You're criticizing me during my analogy. Exactly. Saying that your head, yours is better. I want to win. I want to win.

I want to win. Come on. It's a light. Listen, I'm not putting down a light broth. I'm not putting down a light broth. I never thought I heard you say that. It's a cons, it's a consomme. No, your brain is a consomme and you taste it and you're like, this is great.

I've been a little sick and this is really helping. Now I'm like, if you've been out in the woods felling trees, you don't want the Stephen Wright consomme. You're a between meal, palate cleanser. Which, and again, no put down. No put down. But I'm in a big crock pot. Yes.

And just huge chunks of really good sirloin and potato and just some Guinness in there that really thickens the broth. You keep going nine more minutes on that. Yeah. Do we have time? Steve, why don't you go get a sandwich? Go get a sandwich. I come back.

So there's carrots, there's peas, there's some yam, there's all kinds of thickeners in the broth, you know? God, it's thick. It's a really thick broth. You put the wooden spoon in there and it stands up on its own. What if you put a spoon in my way? Oh, if you put it in yours, it just immediately slips over and falls on the ground. And you have to put it in fast because yours evaporates quickly.

The longer he goes, the worse. Mine's nothing. Yours diminished and mine is getting better. It's just time goes on. No, I mean, critics around the world want to taste my... Critics around the world. And yours that'd taste it if it would stick around long enough. It's just a vapor before they can get to it.

Oh my God. But no, I agree with you. I agree with you that there's... Oh, but I agree with you. I agree with all this. As long as we've established that mine's the better food, richer, more life sustaining. Yes. Making, you know, that's the beauty of...

I mean, imagine I feel very fortunate to have a career from making things up. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Do you ever feel like that? Oh, I feel that way 24 hours a day. I mean, earlier in my life when I would think all of these strange things, and I loved to cartoon and draw. Oh, I didn't know that.

I was not a... I couldn't draw. That's fine. Answer your phone. No, I'm... Clearly, I'm a priority. You would think I was shutting it off, but I want to see what this... No, I shut it off.

I shut it off. I love it if you took the call and it was a spam call. It's a spam call. Well, what's involved? What's involved? Well, I don't know. I don't need blinds. Hold on.

Well, wait a minute. Tell me more. And I'm going on and on about the stew still. There's radishes. No, you're in it. You're sleeping. You're sleeping. No, but what I'm saying is I'm constantly...

Anyone who's in this business and isn't realized that it is a complete crazy privilege to get to get any money or rent or mortgage payment in this world, I think... I mean, Sona, you have a really good perspective on it because you came at this from this crazy angle and now it's just, well, I got to go in and talk to Stephen Wright. I know. And it's... I can't believe it. Like, I...

I would pay to do this. I can't believe I get that. Well, I'm glad you said that. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, you should pay. Okay. I forget I said it.

No. No, no, no. No, you're right. No. Come on. You know, I'm curious. I know I'm very grateful. I'm very grateful to be able to talk to you about, maybe I'd feel differently if I had

grown up in Los Angeles or grown up around this, but it's very hard for me to explain to people how Massachusetts and especially the era that we grew up in, 60s, 70s, coming of age in that time, there was... Show business was further removed, not just Massachusetts, but Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island. The best thing in the world you ever thought could happen was that you could be in show business. Absolutely.

I saw no evidence that show business existed. Absolutely. I didn't see famous people. I didn't know anybody who was related. My dad's a fake scientist at the bus station. You never thought that you would get any chance and I think it's a different world now. People think about things differently and Boston looks so different now. Look at movies from the 60s and 70s that depict Boston.

Look at the verdict friends of Eddie Coyle. Look at these movies that show Boston in the 70s. It's so gray and it's so unappealing in so many ways and kind of depressed and so real and kind of gritty. No slickness. Yeah, no slickness at all. Then I remembered leaving, coming to LA, getting involved in other stuff in my career and then coming back to Boston in the late 80s and suddenly there's like pan-quatidians everywhere

and people were saying, would you like a crepe and I was like, this is not the Boston I grew up in. You can go back and look at those movies and I go like, that's the Boston I remember. Cars that are rusted out. Everyone's wearing a gray jacket. Policemen are all really heavy. Their belts are like around their nipples and they're directing traffic but I don't think they've ever shot a gun in their life.

These people aren't that nice. It's cold. The snow all turns sooty right away. Right away. Somehow that all changed. It's like a whole different vibe and I think that realness that you just described makes us appreciate, what do you mean you're going to go do this show and that's how you're going to pay the rent?

What do you mean? All you see is people doing, that's real jobs. That's why I appreciate it all the time. It's playing. Don't you think this is playing? It's totally playing. It's like being in five or 10 and you're finger painting but with words, imagine this, you're in the cafeteria saying to your friend, oh, oh, oh, and then this becomes your career.

What do you prefer? Obviously, you're very comfortable on a stage, you're great on a stage. Do you like being up in front of people or do you prefer the part where you're crafting it? It's two different things, writing the material and then performing the material. The performance is very intense to me, even still now. I mean, I'm not nervous but it's like walking a tightrope the way I see it. It's like we're running across a lake of thin ice and you're trying to get to the other

side without falling through during the length of the show. That's very intense. I would say that the writing is more of a, it's enjoyable, it has no intensity. You just minding your own business and then something happens. How do you feel about being in front of the audience? I can't imagine on television night after night after night, how? It was so funny because there's one of the great comedy writers of all time, George Meyer, worked at The Simpsons when I was there and he's a legendary, brilliant guy and he

had worked on the early Letterman show and I was being considered as possibly being one of the people who might replace Letterman and my name is starting to show up in the trades and I'm working at The Simpsons and my friends are like, this is crazy. This is insane. I know. I don't think it's going to happen but it's crazy and they're like, man, but you're a funny guy. This could be a funny show.

You could do it and they're all saying, no, no, I think you could do it. I remember George Meyer, I went out in the parking lot and George Meyer was walking with me. I was like, oh man, I wouldn't do it if I were you. And I said, really, and this didn't come from anything but he was just being honest and he went, I worked on one of those shows every day, feed the dragon, feed the dragon every day. And he was like, don't do it, it'll ruin your life.

Wow. He wasn't wrong, but I'm also, it was the best thing I ever did. And what I found was this magical thing I realized very early on doing an hour a day. I remember the worst thing about this job is that you have to do it every day for an hour. The best thing about this job is that you get to do it every day for an hour because when you crank up the volume like that, over time think, what the hell? What the fuck?

Let's give it a shot, masturbating bear. Let's give it a shot. Dog puppet that insults people and says, you sock, I want a poop on you. Let's try it. I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you did it over and over and over and over. Well, as I said to somebody once, they said, Jesus, 4,300 something shows, how did you do it?

And I said, the trick is, some of them aren't very good. It's just kind of true, like, yeah, you look at some and you go, oh, I see how you did it. That wasn't so good, but we always tried. But enough about me, a little about you and then more about me. So usually when I hear, I'm going to talk to somebody and they've written a book. I get this feeling of apprehension, which is, I got to read the book. They booked you and I'm very excited and then I hear Stephen wrote a novel.

I'm immediately very intrigued. So I get sent this copy of Harold, which is this novel you wrote and it's beautiful. It's really funny and touching. It's beautifully written. I think only you could write this and I love it. I really do. And it was such a nice thing for me to read the book and then know I get to go and drive in and talk to, tell Stephen, you got here a little early and I heard you were hanging

out outside like a creep, but I was so excited. I had the book and I wanted to go down and tell you, I need to tell you how much I like your book. I really appreciate it. And it's funny because you mentioned Vonnegut and I'm like, I can feel like there's a, there's different strains. It's like you say there's a soup, but there's, I can see like Joseph Heller and Vonnegut. But it's very sweet and also at times sad and there's such funny stuff in here and it's

all from the mind of an eight-year-old, seven or eight. Seven. Yeah. I didn't read it that thoroughly. I just skimmed to get his age. I'm very good at it. I'm pretty, you know, that's the one thing I will read is the age. No, but I was, I think eight would have been the better choice, but that's my stew brain

versus your consomme brain. I didn't know my broth playing. But you know, first of all, one of the first things that struck me because I'm so obsessed with myself is I read this, I read this thing at the front by the editor of the book from Simon and Schuster, who's clearly a big deal editor and he's talking about how he stumbled upon you doing a set on my show, an interview on my show. Oh, yes. And he talks about how this is why it all comes together.

He talks about how he's always been a fan of yours. And then he said, he says here at the top of the book, starting to think about, you know, what could I do with Stephen Wright? And then he said, I had only started my job, I guess at Simon and Schuster and I was spending a lot of time searching the internet, trying to come up with book ideas. I can't remember what weird YouTube algorithm led me to it, but I came across a clip of Stephen Wright on Conan O'Brien's late night show back in 2013, when he talked about writing a novel on Twitter, posting one sentence at a time.

How long is the novel by now? Conan asked, 1500 pages, Wright said, 1500 pages Conan said. And then you say, if there's one word on each page. And then I guess he thought, I got to check this out, so he went on Twitter and you really were doing that. And then he starts talking to you and you guys form a friendship and you do this book. So I was just thrilled that. That's amazing.

The connection. Yeah. Yeah. It's tremendous. Yeah. You would also think there might be a little financial sharing in here, but we'll talk about that later. You'll hear.

No, I love that. I love that he saw that. I love the serendipity of you do this joke. This guy sees that, then you start talking, then this book comes along and this book is really special because it's a boy and he's growing up in, you say, the mid-60s. He's in a classroom and he's daydreaming and thinking throughout the class and his mind is taking him all around the universe. He talks about hanging out with his grandfather.

And in there are great, I don't want to call them jokes, but really good, profound observations and they're all very much the way a kid would think. And you have this idea about what if people were like trees and that they just kept getting taller as they got older. And I'd be walking down the street as an seven-year-old boy and I'd see an 80-year-old woman and she's 45 feet tall. And you have this conversation with her and I'm just tickled. And then there's so many sweet things that happen in it and it's very, it's almost also

has some sort of a James Joyce quality because it's all happening very constrained period of time. But also the time is infinite because if you're daydreaming, a billion things can happen in 45 minutes. Yeah, he's in the class and he's thinking, he's daydreaming, he's thinking about dreams he's had, he's thinking about experiences that he really may think of memories and it all is in one day and in the class, it's great that you like it so much. I love it.

How much of it is you or do you not want to say? A lot of it. A lot of it. I think you can't write anything be completely made up, you know, all my, see the thing is when I was writing it on Twitter, I wrote like half a page on there, then I stopped and then I didn't write it for like a year and then I thought that thing, I should keep writing it and just keep going, but I didn't put it on Twitter, so I just kept going. And you know, the jokes I do are like, creatively, it's like going through a narrow window, a

couple sentences, two, three sentences and hopefully the audience laughs, you know, okay, and I'm not complaining, I'm just describing it. But I had a lot of things in my mind that wouldn't go through that window to just be a two-couple line of joke. So I essentially used Harold's head, it's like I put a funnel on his head and I poured into that funnel everything I think about being alive, you know, religion and war and authority and the universe and is there a God, you know, that's all the way through there.

That's repeated all the way through the book, is God willing if there's a God, you know, I hope God, if there's a God, so you're constantly questioning that throughout. When I first started writing it, I realized there was no story and then I thought, I can't keep this, there's no story and then I thought, I don't know how, so I stopped for a year and I thought, I don't know how to write a story, I don't know how and then I thought a year later I thought, so what, I want to just write it anyway, so it's not like this happened and then this happened and then he did and then because of that, so I just accepted that I didn't know how to write a story, so I just, that's, just went.

The other thing I love is Harold's voice, very much like your voice, but I imagine you as a kid, but there's a great thing where his teacher is prominent because she's running the class the whole time, Harold is thinking all these incredible things and having these journeys in his mind and every now and, at one point, he remembers the time that she came up and looked at what he was drawing and what Harold was drawing and said, that's really beautifully done, you did a really good job here, Harold, and he said, how dare you judge me, because even flattery is a judgment, is a judgment and it's just packed with those things, so I hope you write more, but if all you wrote was this, that is plenty

because it is fantastic, it's really good, and I, you're such a great inspirational and fascinating person to talk to and laugh with, that I hope you come back, like you're one of those people who needs to come back, and I'll have more, we can have more competing analogies, you know, or we can maybe change it to, you know, our brains are like, you know, crackers and yours is a very dry Dutch cracker that's got a high seed count, it's very good for your bowels, but I'm like this rich, savory, buttery cracker. I noticed that all yours are always, oh, they're good, better than mine, I see a pattern here, I think you are one of the fastest incredible comedy minds ever, that's what I would say

to people, what is it like going on there, I said, you know what, I say something I think, hope it's funny, but if it's not, it doesn't matter, because you are like a laser, it's incredible, really incredible, coming from you, that's huge, so I get to feel good about myself for an hour, no coming, there's no higher, no higher praise I could get yet than a compliment from you, so seriously, we all owe you, I mean, we all, but you changed everything for so many of us, lucky that you came along, we really are, and I was you say it's a quirk, it's an accident, but you also, and I do think, I give it up for quirks and accidents, but there's also integrity and hard work, and being a good person, and those things aren't

quirks, so that makes it all wonderful, so thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Let's never speak again. All right. Thank you very much, Stephen Wright. I just had a fascinating experience, I was on a work trip, and I was in a country I'd never been to before, Thailand, I was in Bangkok, and doing some work there, more on that later,

but it was fascinating, and I sent you a little message, Mr. Gorely, I know you're a Bond fan, and at one point I met the floating market in Bangkok, where you can get on a boat and go from market to market, and buy your wares, your souvenirs, and then go on to the next market, it's really a famous venue, I had forgotten this, but someone, it might have been Aaron Blair, was with me, because we always travel together as lovers, so I don't have to pay you also. That's also right. It's just a relationship, so I'll have a relationship with people just so I don't have

to pay them. No money exchanged hands, but a lot of other stuff exchanged. You do pay him. Yes, she's my lover. No one's going to voluntarily lay with this old bag of bones, so anyway, this took a, I don't know what... Why did you do that? Why did I do it?

He's the one that said, yes. Wait a minute. Now we're really... So here's the point, which is, Blair mentioned, oh, this would make Gorely jealous, and before he even said anything else, I was elated, because I didn't know what Blair was talking about, but I was immediately happy that there was a way that you could be unhappy, and he said, this is where they shot the Bond, a famous sequence in the James Bond film, Man with the Golden Gun, and then I remembered, oh right, Roger Moore is driving through

the market, and he's being chased, and I immediately remembered that, so I made a video, it must have been like three or four in the morning here in Los Angeles, it was midday Bangkok, and I sent it to you, and I hope you took that video in the spirit in which it was meant. Well, first let me clear something up. I'm not really a James Bond fan. Oh. Oh.

James Bond. You're wearing a shirt that says, James Bond will return. And second of all. Did you know we were talking about this today? No. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You didn't know we were talking about this today? You have a lot of James Bond clothes.

Wait a minute. You're just wearing a James Bond shirt underneath your sweatshirt, and you happen to be wearing that when we brought this up. That's true. That's sick. You're a sick person. You're a sick person. People better or worse about doing this now.

I just feel like you need a pity. You shouldn't have a family. Oh my God. I just think your family should be, I think social services should come by and take both your child and your wife away, which they rarely do. They usually just take the child, but at this point, I think they should take both away. Yeah. All right.

So you're, I didn't, wow, that blows my mind that you, that's right. You didn't know what I was going to talk about. I mean, I, I'm not even going to justify it, never mind. So I sent you a video. Yeah. And how did you feel when you got the video? Well. Do you want to listen to it?

Yeah. Let's play it here. I have it. Yeah. Conan here. I am here at the floating market in Bangkok. This is where they shot that iconic scenes in Man with a Golden Gun. And I know that this is on your bucket list.

I just wanted you to know I got here first. Now the biggest issue I take, do you understand the meaning of the word psych? So were you or were you not there? Oh, you mean like it? You blew it. I blew it. Oh. So you mean psych should have meant I fooled you.

I'm not really there. Yeah. You're at like Vegas, California. Well, guess what? No. It does still make sense because I don't think I was at the exact, I think the exact location was about a hundred yards away. This is a very infamous scene in Bond history because Roger Moore is in a little boat chase

and a little Thai boy comes up to sell him something and he, he facepalms him and shoves him in the water. What an asshole. I know. Yeah. And this is Roger Moore. Roger Moore, who's typically the kind of friendly Bond. Yeah.

Right. He's the Bond that used hairspray. And a lot of it. A lot of it. Yeah. Yeah. So yes, that's it. I remember that scene him shoving a little boy into the water.

Yeah. But yeah, I just wanted you to know that I got there first. You know what's worse? I've been to Thailand and I didn't even get to see that. Really? Yeah. Did you know that? Yeah.

I just was tired. It was so hot. How tired do you have to be to not go to a Bond locale? You know what? The only thing that beats me is heat. I will, if it's hot out and like humid, I don't want to go do it. It was record setting heat when I was there. And I could tell because the Thai people, I'd be walking down the street and the Thai

people were walking up to me going, Jesus, it's hot. This is freaking hot. And I said like, so you're, I'm a native. Yes. I've lived here my entire life. Good God. And yeah. Did you go to the Pee-Pee Island?

No. I know that sounds like a setup to a joke, but it's that's. Well, it's set up for a joke you would do. But. How about poopy flats? Nope. Didn't go there either. Okay.

That's where the beautiful like islands stick out of the water and that's from the end of that movie. We did not. Where Dylan Slayer is. I did not go down to the islands. No. Did not go there. Shot almost exclusively in and around Bangkok, which is fascinating.

It's a fascinating place. Loved it. Food was extraordinary. People are lovely. And we shot some stuff there that I think people are going to really like happy about that. But I mostly I've been battling. I think I got back two days ago.

I had no problem with the flight from LA flew from LA to Hong Kong and then to Thailand. No jet lag. Nothing. Just got right to work. Landed in the morning, got right to work. And we were there for about nine days. Then came back Hong Kong to LA and my heart hasn't functioned properly. I have just been my body's completely screwed up, completely screwed up.

And my mind doesn't work. And I think I'm capable of any crime right now. I think that's because when you get to Thailand, you're like, oh, it's time to shoot. And then it's like you're adrenaline because you've seen me in action. I've seen you. It's not like you're going to be like, I need a nap first. You're like, let's get the camera. Let's go.

And then back here, you don't shoot anything. Right. There's just a wife and a son. Oh. And they're like, what's this all about? Who should have their family taken away from them? They've called. They've called social services.

They're constantly calling social services. I don't think it has anything to do with the time change or the flight. I think it has to do with the camera pointed at your feet. Yeah. It is true. I was doing all this stuff that I can only do when a camera's pointed at me. I was doing all these stunts and things that, and people were saying, hey, you're kind of old.

You shouldn't be like, I'm fine. Roll that camera. We just shot him in the chest and he seems fine. Yeah. Shoot me again. So we get it from the other angle. Oh my God. Set me up to use the word psych.

Yeah. Teach me how to use that word. I will say we did, and we put a picture out on social media of you kickboxing. And it's Muay Thai. Muay Thai. Muay Thai kickboxing. I should mention that although it was covered, it was completely outside. Yes.

And every day, we would look at the temperature and it would say 94 feels like 108. Oh. I'm not exaggerating. God. That's what it said. With the humidity. With the humidity. Yeah.

Because of the humidity, it's 108. And it's all wet. And we did a shoot and I was just trying to get out of the way and was out of breath and sweating through my clothes. You were literally jumping and kicking. Yeah. It was insane. Yeah.

And I'm fueled by a terrible hole in the middle of my soul that just powers me on. But no, I did. That was really fun. We did all this stuff that I really enjoyed, but it was, I mean, a highlight was getting to a bond site before you. And now I'm determined to go and visit all the bond sites I can. It's on. It's on.

Without you. Without you. No, no, no. You got a lot to catch up on. I've been to a lot of them. First of all, I'm going to hire a cinematographer to study those scenes and prove to you that you weren't in the exact right place. I'm going to spend a great deal of money and then I am going to go to all the exact correct

places and I'll get the permission of the Roger Moore estate to examine all the documents necessary. Remember he died on my birthday? Yeah. No, I don't remember that. I remember. I, you leave my mind the minute I leave his studio. I don't doubt that.

I don't doubt that. Remember he died on my birthday. Well, I only say that not because I expect you to remember that, but because when I said that before you hit me so hard, you really hit me over the head with that fact. Yeah. So I thought maybe it did make an impression. No. No.

Okay, great. No. I think the way for him to be nice to you is if you just came with a handheld camera. I think, Matt, I think if you donated, if you were proven to be an exact perfect match for my bone marrow and you saved my life by going through an excruciating procedure, I would quickly forget about it. Oh, I would also never do that. No, no, no.

You understand. I would hire people to hold you down and we would extract the bone marrow using simple gardening tools. I would then. There's nothing you can do about it. Drink a lot of Drano that would then osmosis into my bone marrow. Drano as bad as it is for your body. Really does enhance bone marrow production.

Really? Yeah. Okay. That would be an evil genius. I say petting a cat. All right. Well, if you want to see a Bond site, write in. Write in.

Write in. And Gourley will tell you if he's been there or not. Psych. Psych. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read

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