Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 2

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Conan’s team tries to induce chill-ness by any means necessary on another special Summer S’mores episode.

Hey, welcome to another special edition of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. These are summer little mini treats we're putting out for our fans out there who don't want to be abandoned for the entire summer and they want to hear our soothing calming voices. In my case, a a reedy, irritating, twangy, desperate siren going out into the night. We just thought we would make a couple of episodes where we just sort of chill, hang together, no guest, just myself, Sonam Obsession Matt Gorley, and talk about summer. Sonam, what's wrong?

Why are you laughing? I don't know. When you're like, oh, well, just chill. I've never seen you like just chill. Well, why don't you people don't know what you're talking about? Do you think I'm someone who's incapable of chilling? Yes, absolutely. Don't you?

Do you chill? When was the last time you chilled? I want to say Jimmy Carter was president. It was late in his administration and I think I accidentally chilled. Accidentally. Accidentally. It was an accident. I realized afterwards that I had chilled for a few moments.

I think Skylab was falling and I decided it's over and then I chilled. That's a cool reference, by the way, kids. Look it up. Skylab. Oh, okay. Sonam, why don't you tell people, because summer's a time when you're supposed to chill and they don't know me, and listen, I'm not the best judge of who I am. You have a pretty good, you see me every day.

When you say I can't chill, what do you mean? You have an inability to just lay back and just relax and just take it easy and chill. You are very intense and I think you make the people around you a little intense. Even though you just said we could chill, a part of me is like, can I though? Or what's coming? What's going to happen? We should try to get you to chill. Yeah, you should chill.

You know what's interesting is people have suggested that I try various things that might help when chill. Edibles. I've never done an edible, I don't think. I think you'd get fiercely paranoid. Really? Yeah. Yeah, probably.

I've never, I don't take drugs, just I grew up, of course, my dad a doctor thinking, I can't put anything in my mouth that hasn't been verified by a doctor. That was me at four years old. Excuse me, what's in this formula? Pardon me, has this been tested? Has this milk been properly homogenized? Please, please Conan, here in preschool, describe the homogenization process to me. I need to understand it completely.

I take it back, you're super chill. And I've tried, I have tried pot a couple of times and it did absolutely nothing for me. You've got to give it maybe more than twice, it takes a little, you've got to prime the pump a little. You know guys know that I am someone who, like coffee has no effect on me, I think. You've seen this, right? I will drink nine cups of the strongest coffee and then be like, eh, I've got to go to bed

now. Is that because you're already at a certain level? That's what I think. Yeah. I think I'm already at that level. I've been hit with rhino darts, you know, darts that are used to sedate a rhino. Yeah. I've been hit with like nine of those and nothing, absolutely nothing.

Have you considered morphine? How would I get morphine? I should try morphine. You always talk about how much you love propofol and I think you love it because it's the only time you get to just chill. Oh, that's it. Yeah. It's true.

The only thing I've ever been is when I've had colonoscopy and they gave me that drug propofol. You're most at ease with yourself, you're your true self. Yeah. I was on tour and, you know, again, I'm super square and I was super intense. We were on a tour bus going around the country, this is like 10 years ago and we're going, you remember this, Sona? Yeah.

And I was on a tour bus and I couldn't sleep and I would do these two hour shows, sweat through my clothes and then I would come off stage and we'd get on the tour bus and everyone else would go to sleep. They would just pass out because the tour bus had these, you know, sort of bunk beds and I would lie in my bed, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, just my heart going and then I would get up and I would sit in the front of the bus with the bus, the guy who was driving the bus and talk to that person for a while and then wander up and down the aisles jealous that everyone else was asleep.

I could never sleep and then I said to the guy who was the tour manager, who's a great guy, Gus Brant, who's gone out with the Foo Fighters and all these and I was totally kidding but I said to him, Gus, I can't sleep. I need Prophofall. I need a lot of Prophofall. I need a big tank of it and I need a doctor who's not good at administering. I actually went that far and I'll never forget. I just thought Gus would laugh and go like, yup, next stop, we're getting you Prophofall

and Gus looked at me, he squirred in the eye and went, I'm not getting you, I don't get people drugs. I'm not getting you drugs. He thought I was serious. So what happens in that situation is I have to double down. So I said, you're not listening to me, man. I want a giant tank of Prophofall, the same drug that killed Michael Jackson and I want a doctor who's, I don't care if the doctors licensed or not and knows the right dosages

but I want a lot of it and then I want to be left alone and unmonitored. Do you understand me? And he looked at me and he went, absolutely not. I'm not getting you Prophofall and we're not getting a doctor. And then I said, Jesus, when is he gonna, so I doubled down again and I went, look, this is what I want and this is what I need. I need Prophofall, a giant tank, the same drug that would not use properly kills people. I want a lot of it, I don't care who administers it.

In fact, I'd prefer if they weren't licensed because I don't want this coming back to bite me in the ass and I need a hooker and he was like, no, I don't do drugs and I don't get women for people. And I went, listen, I just kept adding more and more and he never cracked and to this day I think he's telling people, oh yeah, I went on the road with man, I've been out with the Foo Fighters, I've been out with Blink 187, I've been out with, you know, whatever, he's been out with all this, I've been with this, but Conan O'Brien, man, he was screaming, I need prostitutes and massive quantities of Prophofall and he'll go to his grave thinking

that I really wanted it. Blink who? Blink 187. What? Did I get that wrong? What are you laughing about? You got it wrong. What is it?

Blink 182. Oh, okay. Well, I think there's another band that's five clicks better, that's Blink 187. You wouldn't be so great if there was a band that just called themselves Blink 187. First of all, Blink 182, I know those guys, they've been on the show a bunch of times. Good guys and I just, maybe I just thought they, I'd add a few numbers, you know, I'd boost them up a little bit. You'd price is right it.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'd price is right it. Right. But anyway, I love your little trick there. What was that Conan? Gorley was like, what's that? Can I tell you, I didn't even notice.

Yeah, you didn't notice, but I love Gorley, Gorley was like the cat that did Canary. Excuse me? What'd you say? What? What did I say? What? Say it again, say the name of the band again. Yeah.

Blink what? Blink 187. And then you were like, got him. Get into my trap. That was so sad. That was so sad. Was that Conan? What's that?

Yeah. I just said blink what? Blink what? Just say the number. Say it again one more time. I don't, did I say it wrong? No, no, no. Just say it again.

187. 187. What did you say? Guess what my friend subtract five. And when do you arrive at? You arrive at the correct name 182? You said 187. Yes, you did.

187. Then you jump up and down like Rumpelstiltskin and all of the weird stringed instruments behind you fall off the wall and crash on top of you, yes? You are pretty chill. If you came here for some chill content, you're in the right place. I picture people putting their earbuds in. They get in one of those tires and they get themselves a kool-ata. What's a kool-ata?

I know. What are you talking? You mean like a Michelada? I don't know. What do people drink in summer when they're calming down? Like lemonade? Okay, I guess. But it's got like some alcohol in it.

A Mike's Hard Lemonade. Yeah, you got a Mike's Hard Lemonade. The idea of this piece summer mini podcast, you can put this anywhere you want. I'm telling you where to put it, are that you put your earbuds in and you get in a tire and you just float down river while you're drinking a cold one, a brusky, if you will. You listen to our soothing voices and you just chill. That's what this idea is. I think this is going to have the opposite effect of whatever you're going for.

Well, I'm sorry. I think I was telling a fun story. And then my producer, who I trust, was like, what did you say? Did you say 187? Say it one more time. Got him, got him, got him, got him, got him. It did feel good. It did feel worth the chiding, yeah.

I can't wait to see the Variety headline. O'Brien misnames Blink 182. Ads five in Major Gaff. Anyway, these are fun, relaxing summer stories. I hope from a man who can't chill genetically and keep it up. I know. What do we do? Well, for one thing, just sit back in your chair.

You're so in the camera right now. Yeah. Well, you know why I can't sit back in this chair? Well, there's part of your problem right there. You need a back. It is. I got a reclining chair. Yeah, me too.

Soda Sona. Yeah. Well, this is the only stool I have. It's the one that I use when I mess around on a guitar and it has no back to it. And so maybe that's another way. Maybe there's some part of me that didn't think I deserved to have a back to my stool. Oh. Really?

Yeah. So there's that kind of, I need to wear a hair shirt. I'm very punitive towards myself. Sona, you've seen that, right? I'm very, like when I take my makeup off or do anything, I do it like I'm punishing myself. Everything you do, you do with anger and resentment towards yourself. Is that harsh? I didn't mean it to be harsh.

It was an observation. Let's practice some self-love. Cool. Yeah. Why don't you just chill out, bro? Come on. It's the summer. You know what?

I've never been able to, but Sona, when you just right now said, why don't you just chill out, bro? You got me to that place. That did it. That did it. I don't know how you did it. Come on, bro, Seafus. The most powerful drugs in the world won't work, but you just saying, hey man, just

chill. Cool. Absolutely. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So I got that. You did it. So I hope that this is a calming balm, if you will, this podcast.

I hope that people are listening to it, and I hope they're enjoying their summer because it's been quite a stressful couple of months. And now here we are, and I hope people can get to that place. You know? Oh, that's good. Keep going. Yeah, that sounds good. Always fine and cherry wine.

Oh, well. What? That's just weird poetry there. You don't need to do poetry. Yeah. Yeah. You can do more like that. Just be like, yeah.

Conan O'Brien here with a very chill summer episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. That's it. I like myself. Hey. I like my friends, Sona and Gourley. Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. This is like, I am DJ.

Yes. No. I'm just enjoying the listening to my summer tunes, the warm air, just, I don't know. I take off my shoes, just stick them in the pool, just calm down. Wait. Stick your shoes in the pool? Yeah. Well, you don't go in the pool.

You put your shoes in the pool. Yeah. What happened? I wasn't clear. I took my shoes off and I put your feet in the pool. Did I say put your shoes in the pool? Yeah. You said take your shoes off.

Put them in the pool. Okay. Now I'm getting irritated. No, no, no, no. Sorry. Go back. Go back. Go back.

Okay. No, no, no, no. Now I'm irritated. No. And now I'm pissed. There's an implication that bare feet are going into the pool, not the shoes. So it's an implication. I'm trusting people to bridge that.

And now my heart rate is at 240 and I'm enraged and I'm never going to be chill again. Because if I'm going to be chill, if I'm going to be chill, I need the cooperation of my chill chums. You're the chill chums. But instead, when you start going, wait a minute, wait a minute, did you say blink, winny-dee? Wait, wait, wait. Where'd the shoes go?

In the story, where'd the shoes go? If you're going to do that, how am I going to be chill? You were sitting like a picture. You were describing it and then you said, take your shoes off, put them in the pool. And so we just needed clarification. So that's all. It sounds sometimes like you are artificial intelligence who's trying to sound like a human.

Are you a human? I will admit that I'm gifted with various abilities that probably make me seem superhuman. That's not where I was going. Yeah. So now I have to say, and this is a compliment, so now I've never seen anybody who's so able to chill. You are the chillest person I know. I'm the chill queen.

In fact, yeah, you are chill at work. You are chill when you're not supposed to be chill. You're queen of the chill chums. You're queen of the chill chums here on Summersmores. Hey, Conor O'Brien here. This is the, what are we calling it? The Summersmores. This is Summersmores.

I don't really, do you think it's not, does it? Oh, we're sticking with that? Oh yeah. Okay. Summer, too late. It's locked in. It's summer, baby. Grandfathered in, can't change it.

It's Summersmores. I don't like it today. I don't either. Oh, Gourly, you don't like them either? I don't. Who doesn't like Summers? What's wrong with you two? Are you communist?

No, I don't like, I don't like Summers. I just think it's, I just think it's, I don't like big gooey things of marshmallow. Oh. I don't get it, and they feel too dry to me. They're, they're overrated. I don't like it. They don't taste as good as they seem. Like the whole collective whole of their parts doesn't work.

Oh, God. Yeah, Summers blow. Summers are no good. Lemon coolers all the way. You two suck. What? Sorry. I will eat Summers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It is, they are the shit. Hey, Sona, you're actually kind of not very chill right now. Yeah. This is the angriest I've ever seen you. Uh, wait a minute. So I don't like it. I think a graham cracker, graham cracker. I would prefer a, I like a treat that has a graham cracker.

Graham crackers sound like, you know, just, I don't know. It's like a Mennonite treat from the 18, 1870s. Yeah. Smores is a very wholesome, almost like, there's no sex in it. What do you guys talk? You melt the marshmallow over fire. There's nothing sexier than that. That's true.

Oh my God. Hold it. But then again, the marshmallow often gets charred if you don't do it just right. And then there's bits of twig and ash. What? And then you smash it onto the most practical of the crackers, which is a graham cracker. That's the least sexy snack in the world is a graham cracker.

They were, they were actually, and this is a true fact in the 17 and 18 hundreds, they were used as shingles on most. Okay. And then they were repurposed as a cracker. You just take a bar of chocolate and slam it down and then put some goop on top of it. You're eating this thing that it doesn't taste as good as it's supposed to. It doesn't. Gourly, I'm with you.

I agree with you 100%. I feel like you two have never had s'mores and you're upset because, well, you never went to camp. I made them by myself in the backyard. I went to camp. Yeah. And he, his parents told him he was going to camp when literally it was just the room next door.

That's true. They just, they just put some leaves in there and told them, did you enjoy camp? They didn't even do that. I did, father. I did, mother. Camp was so exciting and exotic. And they'd say, we got your, remember to write us and you'd write a letter and then you'd just open the door and hand it to them.

Yeah. And they'd say, we got your letter. You know, honestly, that sounds pretty good. I think your s'mores argument is going to be, I think people are going to be very angry at your take on s'mores. Here's what I'm saying. And I do want to hear from the people out there, but if you agree with Gourly and I, and here's our argument, s'mores are not as good as they're supposed to be.

All three of those things are better. Maybe it just doesn't add up. Yeah. It's, I agree with you. I've never agreed with you more on anything. I've always been disappointed in s'mores. I've always thought, yeah, there's something it doesn't add up here. And yes, you're absolutely right.

Well, now I don't feel right about this. Yeah. Yeah. You and Conan are on the same side. So. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Well, listen. That's my argument in favor of s'mores is Conan doesn't like it. Okay. Well, you won me over. All right. Well, anyway, I'm feeling pretty chill. I hope you enjoyed this episode of summer s'mores with Conan and the chill chums. Yes.

Yes. I love this. Yeah. This is the name of the mini series now. And it's going to, this is so terrible. It's going to retroactively destroy our successful podcast. I cannot wait for this to pop up on my phone and it says, summer s'mores and the chill chums.

It's summer s'mores with Conan and the chill chums. Whatever. You're the, what am I telling you? This is, this is your medium. I don't know what I'm doing. Well, thank you for admitting it. You're welcome. All right.

Everybody continue to chill. And I know, I know I won't. I'm off in search of pro for fall and a doctor who doesn't know how to administer it. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. Ew.