Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 3

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Conan and his team contemplate an alternate presidential history on another Summer S’mores special.

Give it the official title. Hey, welcome to another summer mini episode of what I guess we're calling Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chilchum. Yes. We came up with that title because I think we were kidding around and decided it was the worst title possible and now it's the actual title of the podcast. These are just little fun mini episodes, I don't know, try and brighten up your summer a little bit and we hope you enjoy what's going on.

I'm enjoying doing these. It's fun. I'm having a good time. Gorley, how are you doing? It's nice to see you guys here as a Chilchum, as a registered member of the Chilchum. It's good to be here. Yeah, you're a Chilchum now. Now, Sona, I understand you're not feeling 100% tired this morning.

Oh, I'm a mess. I'm an absolute mess. What happened? Last night, you know, I was talking to, you know them, I was talking to Erica, Lindsey and Megan, three of my really good pals, we were talking on this app called House Party where you play games and we decided we'd do trivia and every time you got an answer wrong, you would take a drink and I haven't been drinking pretty much at all this whole time.

And I was like, I'm going to make a screwdriver and drink it every time I get an answer wrong. And then we purposely were doing trivia that was really hard to answer. And I got absolutely wasted last night. And this morning I woke up on vodka on vodka and I got really drunk. And then this morning I woke up. I was hungover and then I had coffee, which I don't drink. So I'm a mixture of being hungover and I'm shaking and I am sweating and I have shortness of breath and I want to go vomit, honestly.

How's everyone enjoying the podcast so far? What a nice cool summer break, as Sona describes the nausea that accompanies being hungover. Can we do anything for you right now? Are you hydrating? You've got to hydrate my face. Yeah, I've got a whole giant bottle of water, but I used to get crunk all the time. And I just stopped for a really long time. And it was a feeling last night where I was like, this is strange yet very familiar.

I don't miss this. And yeah, I feel like garbage, but let's do this. Yeah. No, you used to tear it up in the day. Yeah, I did. But you partied hard. For many of the years that we've worked together, I've seen you party very, very well. You took no prisoners.

The Sona of Old, you are now a married woman, a responsible member of the Altadena community. But back in the day, you were out of control. Yeah, I was. I was. I was. Have fun. I feel like you had contempt for me sometimes when I would have a good time. I was resentful.

I was resentful that you were having so much fun. I was never allowed to have fun. Even when you were an adult and you could make your own decisions. You know what's funny? No, I did not allow myself too much of that. I was a man on a mission. I knew that I had to one day wait for podcasts to be invested and then have one. And I had to work furiously behind the scenes to get myself in the correct position.

That's been, that's my whole life. Mission accomplished. Now you can chill. You think so, but no. Now I'm just looking around thinking, how could it be better? It can't be better. You're doing a podcast called Summer S'mores and the Chill Chumps. That's like, that's peak podcast.

He'll say it's Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chumps. Oh, right. Yeah. And that's the actual name of it. I think you two are the chill chumps. We are the Chill Chumps. Right. Yeah.

I don't want to be a chill chump. No, you want to be a chill chump. You're just angry. You can't be a chill chump. It's pretty good over there. I did. I will admit, Sona, that there was a period of time where I resented you when you were having so much fun all the time and just enjoying everything in life.

And I didn't understand how you did. I didn't understand how someone could have that much enjoyment. And so it's good. This is therapeutic. I see now why I spent so much time loathing. Oh, that's good. I didn't know you loathe me, but that's a fun new thing that I learned today. Loathe and love are both similar sounding words.

I think they can be part of the same chess. No. What? What? Okay. All this has to come out. It's so stupid. I don't know about me being hungover at all.

I mean... It's hungover. It's soft G. No, a soft G would be hungover. Yeah. Okay. Well, how about a silent G? Every time you correct me with my Gs, it infuriates me.

It's hungover. There is a G in it and I'm pronouncing the G in it. Hungover. Hungover. Hungover. I can't do this. Hungover. You know what?

You are hungover and I'm badgering you about the way you're pronouncing hungover and it's making you probably feel more hungover. Isn't that clever? Hello? Anybody there? She left. She crawled out the window. Let's talk about...

You know, the point of these episodes, these... Yeah, what is the point? Chill chums. Summer memories, memories of summer. We all have them. I have a funny memory. You want to hear my funny memory? It sounds like you're just killing time.

Well... For a podcast, it doesn't even need to happen. I know. Badgered into a podcast that officially doesn't need to exist and I'm killing time. I was headed off to camp. I went to camp for a bunch of summers and I would go to Freedom, New Hampshire for a couple of years and then I went to one that was in Maine because my brother Luke wanted to try that camp.

So I went there. I had more of a, I'm going to say, a military flair to it. We had to wear uniforms. What? Yeah. And I went from being in this incredibly like, yeah, you just wear a cut off shorts camp, which was Craig and Mountain Farm and then I was sent to this other camp and I didn't even know this was the deal.

I just sort of got talked into it by my brother Luke and I went there and I only went there one summer because I, it was mandatory that you had to wear these pants that I swear to God looked like we were cadets. Are you sure you weren't just in the ROTC? What was it called? There was a lot of drilling with rifles and taps. We did attack several villages. No, we wore, there was a gray pants with a stripe down the side.

What? I'll never forget that. Yes. And I was, I remember just being like, what? What is this? There's your uniform. I was like, uniform. So I was not cool with that, but here's the point of this story.

Just before I went to camp, my mother said, oh, you're going to need a belt buckle because I think my belt buckle broke or I lost it. So she said, here, I bought you a belt buckle and it was a belt buckle that was a Levi Strauss belt buckle, like, you know, and it was really big. It was a big rectangle that was a big piece of metal that was a rectangle. And it said, Levi Strauss and company, and it had like their logo on it. And she gave it to me as I was like getting on the bus to go up to this camp. So I just took it with me and I put it on and I was at a, we had to go to a dance one

night and I was embarrassed by this big belt buckle, but I needed to wear a belt because the pants didn't fit. I was super skinny. I was wearing this giant belt buckle and this kid was from another camp was bullying a friend of mine and I thought, I better go over there and see if I can help out. So I went over there and I said, hey, to this kid, why don't you leave him alone? And the kid was like, why don't you mind your own business? And I said, oh, this is my friend.

You should probably leave him alone. He said, hey, man, mind your own business. And he punched me in the stomach and hit the belt. Oh, shit. And then doubled over like, ah, fuck, fuck. And he doubled over and people were looking at me like, Jesus, who's that kid? And he just hit the belt buckle. I didn't do anything.

I'm a terrible fighter. I've never been a fighter. I can't fight for it, you know, but he hit the belt buckle and went, ah, fuck. And people were like, what? And suddenly there was like, hear about that guy over there, old iron gut O'Brien. That's a true story. I think that was really nice of you to stick up for that kid. I remembered, you know, I was not a, I don't think I'm a, I was a brave person in particular

or anything. I just remembered in that moment thinking I should stick up for this kid. So what happened to you because you're all bully now? Yeah. How did the rules change? Yeah. Well, the boy who's bullied becomes the bully. And so the minute that bully hit me, I knew, ah, I can either do two things.

I could go through life wearing a giant belt buckle or I myself could be the one throwing fists around. I decided on the latter course. That's good. And that made me the horrible man I came to think of. That was cool. You should tell your mom that that happened. Yeah.

Yeah. Why would you? I don't want to encourage you too much. You know, she'd be like, which one are you? I'd say I'm the third one. The one with the red hair. Oh, yes. Yes.

She literally would do the thing. There were so many of us that when she would get mad, she would run through the Rolodex of all the names. She would. She'd be really mad. She'd be like, hey, oh, look, just to, to, to, to Conan, she'd finally come up with me. I'm surprised she didn't just start rattling off presidents, too, you know, Garfield.

According to Pierce Donan. Just ridiculous. We had a president named Pierce. Yes, we did. Oh, okay. Cool. And guess what, Sona? He was only three presidents ago.

Oh. It was Pierce Brosnan. Yeah. Pierce Brosnan was president from 1988 to 1992. He quit the presidency to do GoldenEye, which, by the way, is the best reason to leave the president. I mean, I'm all for it. I resigned.

It wouldn't have been great if Nixon resigned because he was taking a movie role. I was to announce that effective noon today, I am resigning the presidency of United States so that I can star in Herbie. How much better the world would have been in every way if that happened? It's a Disney vehicle. It's going to be available in about six months. It'll be in theaters nationwide. So I'll be leaving now with my wife, Pat, and Ford will become president so that I can

start learning my part as Chad in Herbie, in the love, I would love that. I would love to see him act different if there are, you know, the way they always posit that there are different. Yeah. Wouldn't it be great? There was a member of Robert Smigel and I, when we were writers, it's starting out live. It was after Reagan had his second term was up and he left. And I don't know if anybody remembers this, but there was these brief rumors.

It's before, you know, it was like two years or so or three years before it was revealed that Reagan was ill and, you know, had dementia. And there was this period of time where he resigned. He was very popular and he left the presidency. And there was like a two or three-year period where people were speculating that Reagan might return to film. Does anybody remember that? No.

I remember there were little, and I was a writer at Star Not Live and Robert and I started speculating about what if he took a part, you know, and he was just so revered, but what if Reagan took a part like in, so he leaves the presidency in 88. And what if, like he came out in a movie in 1989, but he just took a role that was way beneath him and it was like, he's this like cowardly drug addict. And we were just imagining Reagan, like, on the phone, you know, saying like, ratting out some people in a really cowardly way. And he's like in a phone booth saying like, that's right, that's right, yes, yes, well,

yeah, well, that's the way, yes, you make sure those are the ones that did it and don't use my name. Don't use my name. And just then you see shadows fall over him because the mob is caught up with him. And he's like, oh God, don't kill me, oh God. And he's begging for his life in a cowardly, unseemly way. He's the guy the hard boiled detective goes to slap around and get street information from.

Right. Yes. And then they beat the shit out of Reagan and they're like hitting him with trash cans and stuff. And then, you know, it's in its this role where you're like, why Ronald Reagan, why did you take that part? I don't know. I don't know.

I shouldn't have, you know, I needed the SAG insurance. He just took a part without really reading it and it's just, and then instead of using a body double, they're really kicking this shit out of him. Oh my God. Effective noon today, I will resign to presidency so that I can join Ronald Reagan in the Disney production of Return to Witch Mountain. Richard will now become president as Reagan and I embark on our journey. I just am fantasizing about all the roles Nixon could resign the presidency for.

So Pierce. So you didn't know there was a, yeah, there was a president Pierce. Yeah. Should I have known him? Nah. You can let him go. Did you know him, boroughs? You can let Pierce go.

I knew the name. I don't know anything about him. Franklin Pierce, right? Yep. Franklin Pierce. Oh, wow. Geez, when's Franklin Pierce? He's one of those nondescript, what is Franklin, Franklin Pierce is 19th century, I'm going

to say early to mid 19th century, I'm going to guess what is he, 1830s, 1880s. Franklin Pierce was the 14th president of the United States. This is all off the top of my head, by the way, a Northern Democrat who saw the abolitionist movement as a fundamental threat to the unity of the nation. Oh, sounds like a great guy. Great guy. That's why we don't remember his name, he's the best. You know what's wrong with this country, abolitionism.

That's the problem with America. Jesus. And I'm going to stake my name on it. And then resign to go be in birth of a nation. Yeah. Oh, shit. I, Franklin Pierce, resigned the presidency. Why does my Franklin Pierce?

I don't know. I, Franklin Pierce, resigned the presidency. Do you know that I did, my first play I was ever in was in the theater that Nixon did his first and only play where he met Pat Nixon. Oh, Whittier. Whittier. That's right. It was a production of Rent, wasn't it?

What'd it be great if it was this incredibly progressive play? Angels in America. Yeah. Hair. Hair is nude. He's nude up in with Pat. Oh, we need his hair. Long, beautiful hair.

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Today, I am resigning the presidency, effective at noon, so that I may leave my position as commander-in-chief and join a production, a traveling production of hair. Not even the Broadway production. Regional theater. I have to learn the lyrics and the choreography to age of Aquarius. I will be nude in this production. I've been, my friend Billy Graham has advised against it, but I feel that this is my truth

and I need to live it. So I'm going to go have a toke and then my old lady and I are going to bag it and I'll see you out there. You know that little dick flapping the breeze. Little dick Nixon flapping the breeze as I sing the age of Aquarius. Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes. Oh my God. Jesus.

It's a very progressive play that I'm in. I will be playing a homosexual who's struggling. I know that there are some people in my cabinet who feel resigning the presidency to play a homosexual. It's a strange left turn for me at this point in my prayer. But I believe. Oh my God. Oh my God.

All I'm going to be doing tonight is just I'm going to be lying in bed and this is actually going to be happening. My fly is going to be in the bed trying to go to sleep and I'm always up later. I'm going to be brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I'm going to spit and I'm going to start doing this in the mirror. Ah, Fracture of Noon today. Oh my God. I am resigning.

She'll be like, what are you doing? Because she hears me doing bits into the mirror and she'll be like, what, what are you doing? And she's had other people say, what's going on in there? Like, you know, not that we have other people joining us in the bedroom, but like she'll be here, you know, if other people are around the house or guests or something, so sometimes here, people will be like, is he talking to someone? And she's like, oh, it's a whole party in there. And she just rolls around.

It's a whole party in there with that guy. Oh, Liza's a saint. No, he's. Yeah. She is a saint. I do love my wife. I'll say that. I might be a bully and I may be resigning the presidency.

Oh my God. At noon today. You even have your hair slicked back like Nixon right now. Well, I took a shower, you know, my hair because of COVID and everything. I just haven't been cutting it. And it's so long now that I keep wetting it and slicking it back to just keep it out of my face because I look like, I look like Sean Cassidy. I know.

Mine too. I feel like, look at this mop. Oh my goodness. Oh, look at you. My God. I feel like, like a poor man's Hitler or something. A poor man's Hitler. That's sad.

And what, was there a good Hitler? Good point. Yeah. I'm a poor man's Hitler. Not up to the old Hitler standards of sanity. My best day. I'm just a Mussolini. Yeah.

My best day. Yeah. Never get up quite up there. All right. Well, listen, I hope that you've enjoyed this special edition of, what is it called? Summer S'mores. With Conan. With Conan.

And The Chill Chops. All right. We'll see you next time. Effective Dune Today. I can't, I can't stop. I gotta stop. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured

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