Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 4

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

Conan gives the Chill Chums some friendly criticisms during another Summer S’mores special.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Why, hi there. Conan O'Brien here with a special summer edition of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We're switching things up a bit. It's hot out there. Of course, people still stressed about COVID and all the rest, so I thought maybe we should just get together and kind of chill people out with something we call summer s'mores with Conan and of course, the chill chums.

Oh, wow, that's great, Matt. What a great laugh. That's a great laugh. Oh, man. I'm a chill chum. That is not the laugh. That is not the laugh or the demeanor of a chill chum. I think you're forgetting the premise of this.

Sona and I are the chill chums and we teach you to be chill and take it from a chill chum. That's a chill chum chuckle. Yeah. Okay. Well, I chafe at your chill chum chuckle. Oh. Yeah, I don't like it. And also, I resent this whole idea that I'm the uptight type A Grinch.

I think that I'm very capable of being zen and doing my Buddha belly breathing. What? I think I exude calm. What? Well, the fact that you resent this means that you're not very chill because a chill chum would just blow over them. And you're sitting there going, hey, be a chill chum. And I can see you, because we're on a Zoom call right now.

And I can see that you have banjos behind you. And one banjo. You have four banjos. I'm counting them. What? You have a vintage guitar and a bust of Teddy Roosevelt behind you. No, the bust of Teddy Roosevelt was torn down. Some protesters got into my house and tore down my bust of Teddy Roosevelt.

And by protesters, I mean my two children. My daughter and my son came in and tore it down. Let's not start this with animosity. Being a chill chum is all about being friends. I know. You're already breaking all kinds of chill rules. Yeah. Well.

You're like anti-chill. The chill factor is zero, man. You're the opposite of chill. If we come into this chill, you de-chill us. So you just got a... Your heat miser. Just chill, man. You know, it's nice to have two chill chums that just tell me everything that's wrong

with me, barrage me with criticism. That really does help create a chill environment. Hey, man. Hey, man. Chill, chill. Just chill. Just chill. Anyway, it's very...

It's the summer heat. A lot of people out there, you know, they're stuck indoors. Man, they just got the summer blahs. And I think what we're trying to do is lift their spirits. And if I'm... You know me. I'm not the kind that brags. Usually, I'll say things like, I'm a genius.

I'm a genius. You compare yourself to Mozart, Beethoven, and I mean, some of the greatest minds of all time. You've compared yourself to them on this podcast many, many, many times. That's right. You've done this. Yes. But that said, I'm a humble man.

Oh. And what I'm trying to... The point I'm trying to make is that I don't like to brag, I'm immune to it. But apparently, we were doing this just for fun and to kind of maybe send out a little ray of sunshine to people during these bleak times. And I guess the response has been overwhelmingly very nice. People are having a good time and really enjoying them. And that makes me feel happy.

People are loving the chill chumps. They got chill chump fever. Okay. Well, Matt, when you talk that way, it just sounds like a joke, so I'm going to bring in someone who's incapable of joking around, Adam Sacks. Adam is a serious guy. Adam, what has the response been? It's been overwhelmingly positive.

Like you said, we wanted to do these just for fun. And as you know, people are having tough times. People are stuck inside. There's a lot of anxiety and we've just gotten an overwhelming number of messages from people just expressing gratitude. People that say things like, you know, love the interview, but oftentimes the three of you all, meaning, you know, Conan, Sona and Matt are the best part and getting these like extended, you know, extended segments with you guys are great.

There have been several messages I saw where people have thanked me personally for lying to you and tricking you into doing these extra episodes in the off season. Yeah. For anyone who doesn't know, Adam made a big thing of saying we're almost at the end of this long season and then we taped the last one and he went, you're all done. And I went, whoa, great. You know, because on top of, you know, I do many other things I do where I did travel shows back when humans traveled back in those days.

And at the same time, you know, so I'd be flying to Ghana and shooting shows there and then coming back and doing the TV show. And of course I do a lot of personal appearances. I open a lot of malls across America. Oh no. I am a champion ribbon cutter at a mall. And so I'm constantly on the go. And so I was like, wow, good.

Just a little, a little break. And I think Adam called me two days later and said, okay, we got a lot of work to do. I said, what are you talking about? He said, well, you know, there are these, and you got to understand Adam Sacks. And I will say this is one of the most upright straightforward. You back me up on this, Matt, because you've known him a long time too. He is just what the Irish call a mensch. He's a good guy.

He's a straight, he's a straight arrow. He's solid stock. He's the proto chiltchum. Yeah. Whenever I'm trying to say a nice thing, you step in, but anyway, I, he's just such a straight arrow and such a good guy and always above board. And like I would trust, you know, Adam with my life. And then I just said, what are you talking about?

And he said, well, we've got to do all this stuff. And I said, no, you said I had the break and he went, yeah, I know. I thought it might bum you out, you know, if, so I, he basically, he lied to me and he admitted to lying to me and tricked me. Now I'm very happy to do this. And whenever we, I have a lot of fun doing this, as you can probably tell, and I'm very happy that people out there are enjoying it. And so that's fine.

So yes, I too, Adam, am glad that this happened, but you did lie to me. I know. I know. I'm not defending myself. I lied. Okay. I lied. You're a bad guy.

Now, several times off mic and on mic and, and I think it's fair for you to be right me. You can continue to be right me at it because I deserve it. I would ask all of our listeners to go back and listen to again. I don't think I'm berating you. I think as a friend, I'm pointing out a tragic flaw that you might be able to fix, which is just like friends do, you're a great guy, you're a terrific guy and you have one flaw, which is you're a terrible, terrible guy with no moral core, other than that, top flight,

chill chum. So chill. So chill. Yeah. Am I freezing a lot? No. Do you guys notice that at all? Okay.

That was awkward. I feel like my internet's unstable, so I, I don't know. Yeah. Also, it's really how you look on Zoom is of no consequence to what we're doing right now. Oh, okay. So, you know, everyone listening right now driving their car or listening as they chop diced onions in their kitchen doesn't give a shit how your Zoom is going because they're

just listening to our conversation. So you actually, of all the people listening, you just stopped everything to make it about yourself to only like three people out of the millions, literally millions that will hear this. Okay. Well, I need Zoom so I can hear what you're saying. That's how this works. So if the internet doesn't work, I can't hear you.

So I just made a fool out of you right now. Guess what? I couldn't have known that because I don't need Zoom to hear you because you're the loudest person I've ever met. Okay. There you go. So if your Zoom went out, I would still hear you all the way from Altadena, which by the way, a few people aren't familiar with it, it's hundreds of miles up in the mountains

and technically no longer part of the United States. It's seceded in about 1926 and the U.S. just let it go. You're a very loud person. Loudest person I've ever met. Okay. So you can hear me speaking even if it's not on Zoom. You can hear me speaking all the way from where you are. Hey, you understood the bit.

Yes. Yes, exactly. I don't know how you resort to bits when I make you look like a fool. I think I was not made to look the fool. I think it is you, madam, who has looked the fool. Oh, my. Yeah. This is stupid.

Anyway, can I just say something? We called this whatever summer s'mores and the chill chums and all it is, it is bickering. We just add each other's throats. I know. This is awful. What is happening? Why do people like this? Well, first of all, I think people are wrong.

I think this is terrible. Stupid. Well, stupid. I wouldn't say that. I think I'm very right. No, they're not stupid. This is stupid. Our listeners are very intelligent, wonderful people.

Yes. And also, I just want to say our advertisers, oh, terrific, wonderful people. Each one a Nobel Prize winner. But yeah, I'm very disappointed in the chill quality. Like, hey, just relax, man. Grab yourself an Arnold Palmer and lie back on your raft and your pool and just close your eyes and listen to three people just bug the shit out of each other. I don't know how that works or why anybody would be interested in that.

It doesn't have to be this way, guys. I mean, just feel me. I'm chilling right now. Oh, God. Oh, my God. You know what? You're just baiting me now, man. You know it.

Oh, come on. Let's do this without you. Yeah, take a break, man. I mean, I feel like it'd be so much more chill. Matt, you really do sound like you're trying to orgasm. You really do. Oh, come on. Come in.

No, he's like this. That's disgusting. No, but he's like this. He's like, yeah. It's all. Stop. Don't. It's true.

The fact that you even think that that's what that sound like worries me. I don't know what your frame of reference is. I have not had an orgasm since Obama's first term, OK? I'm on, I, I, it was, please, nothing, it just doesn't, nothing happens down there anymore. Case closed. Case closed. I forget what it was like, you know?

So, no, it's fine. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe, you know, you need to get a little action to get a little chill, you know? Yeah. Oh, my God. OK. I wish. Hi, I'm baiting you.

Whoever this version of Matt is, you've got to stop or I'm going to come to your neighborhood and hit you over the head. My name's Matt. I'm the mix of chill and Matt. I'm Chad and I just like to talk. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Oh, no. Jesus. Oh, no. Hey, well, you guys want to sit back and rap? Just get a little bit off our chests. You know, I'd like to kick you down a stairwell. That's what I'd like to do. Just watch you and watch you fall for a really, like you'd go down each flight.

You'd go down 36 flights of stairs. Yeah. I have to say I'm with you. I don't think I can keep this up. Yeah, don't. It doesn't sit well with me. How are your summers going, Matt? How are you doing?

Better now. I'm starting to get back into the groove. I felt like I fell out of this pandemic shelter at home groove and now I'm back in. I've been working out in the backyard, getting a little sun feels good. How do you work out? I imagine you working out with like, jerk out. I've been working out in the backyard. Oh, I think you said you were working out.

And I have to say, and this is not meant to put you down, but I just couldn't imagine you like your workout, I felt like you'd be using, you know, that exercise equipment they show in the Titanic sometimes, you know, that was like from 1912. I just pictured you having some Sears and Roebuck 1911, you know, you know, lung expander, you know, do three of these every morning and then the vibrating hip belt. Yes. Yes. Exactly.

It used to be, I got a chance. I live very near, I'll tell you my exact address at the end of the episode if you'd like to come by. I'm the only celebrity that can do that because no one would come by, perfectly safe. But I love, I live right near or very close to Will Rogers, the famed satirist and comedian who lived in a, and he was a vaudeville star and huge deal and a movie star, very funny, very talented guy, one of the biggest stars of the 20s and 30s. But he lived in a ranch house that wasn't too far from where I am now and you get to

tour his house and it's kept exactly as it was when he died tragically in a plane crash. And so I've toured his house and they said to me, you can, anyone can take a tour there. And then they said, hey, Conan, do you want to go upstairs? You seem like a big fan and we'll let you go upstairs. And I said, sure, and I went upstairs and I went into Will Rogers bedroom and then they let me go and check out his bathroom and in his bathroom, which hasn't really been touched since the 30s are changed in any way. He had one of those vibra belts.

He had a vibra belt, which is if anyone swatched an old three Stooges or anything. You see them in 1930s movies. It really was people that wanted to lose weight thought if you strapped a big belt around you like a belt that pretty much covered your entire abdomen and it attached to a big machine. And then you hit it and the machine just jiggled the belt and your belly just jiggled and you sat there and did nothing. People thought that this burned off the fat, but I love looking at these ideas that people had.

I mean, I'm sure that people a hundred years from now are going to look at the stuff we're doing now that we have on infomercials. You know, these weird, all you have to do is attach this electrical cord to your chest and as you sleep, it burns. They're just going to laugh at us. I think they'll do that about podcasting too. Yeah. That hurt my feelings.

I'm throwing bigger stones at myself than you. No, I think the podcast is a very enduring format. It's very intimate and I'm just grasping at straws here. I think it's going to be around in a thousand years. Humans won't, but podcasts will. And the the apes that evolved past us will listen to podcasts. They'll all be about bananas, different kinds of bananas and how you like them. Sona, how's your summer going?

It's fine. I do some social distance hangs now with my friends and I went to another friend's house. I got a really bad sunburn, so I'm in a little bit of pain, but I'm having a good time. And I just say, you always mock me because I wear a hat or put sun stuff on or cover up. Yeah. And you always brag that because you're Armenian and Greek, you're sort of meant to live in the world and I'm this freak that can't.

So I find it very interesting that you got a sunburn when you've when you've more or less implied to me that that could never happen. You're right. Because I went there and I was like, I'm going to just sit and I'm going to put my feet in the pool for six hours that nothing's going to happen to me. And then I got up and I'm in an incredible amount of pain now. Like it hurts, but it'll, I think it'll be okay. I mean, I have no idea.

Like everything's just red and it's fine. It was a socially distance party. What were you at least six feet away from everybody? Yeah. Were you outdoors? Yes. Hmm. What?

Why are you asking me all these questions? I want to shame somebody. Yeah. I can feel it. You coming in hot today. I always, can I just say one thing, Matt? Here he goes. Coming in hot.

No, I'm not coming in hot, but I think if you go back and listen, you've said you're coming in hot many times. Because you always come in hot. Then you can't say you're coming in hot today. That is my actual setting. It's you that needs to change your settings because you can't every time say coming in hot, coming in hot. I don't mean you're coming in hot for you.

You're coming in hot for the base level of the rest of the world. I know. And why would I, if I wasn't social distancing, which I was, why would I say on the podcast, no, my friends and I were all like on top of each other and licking each other and everyone was like, first of all, I wouldn't do that. And second of all, if I didn't, I wasn't going to. Good. Good.

Well, I'm just saying that everyone, everybody on the internet, every day I wake up, I acted like there are days I don't wake up. On the days that I wake up, I'll go on just to check out the news feeds, maybe the second or third trending thing is always a video of someone losing it. Either a Karen or a dude losing it. What's that? I'm surprised you know that term. Oh yeah.

I get out there. I know what's happening. Do you? I do. Okay. All the kids are listening to Cole Porter. I hear what kids are saying down at the phonograph store. But no, but there's always these videos now.

Sometimes it's someone who's absolutely going crazy at a Costco and screaming that they don't want to wear a mask and it's insanity, but sometimes it's someone not wearing a mask and you can tell the person holding the camera is trying to get a viral video. Have you noticed that? Yeah. It's gross all around. That bums me out because they're sort of baiting somebody and that's the new thing now is I'll see there'll be a woman and she's not wearing a mask and their person will say, excuse me,

excuse me, and they're holding up a phone. You're not wearing a mask. I'd like you to wear a mask please. You're threatening me. What are you doing now? What are you doing now? And I think, well, what is this? I mean, that bugs me too, but I'm also jealous because I want to do that to somebody.

I want to save someone. That's my real point. Are you taking out that kind of desire and aggression on us? Is that what that is? Yes. I know Matt Gorley has a vintage mask that he got from like the twenties that's very porous and it's made of burlap. No, I bought one from the original flu pandemic that's just riddled with flu influenza.

Oh, God. Yeah. It's all yellowed and gauzy. Yeah. Exactly. He got it. He got it on eBay. Original 1918 Spanish flu pandemic mask made of porous burlap, but anyway, I would love

to shame you. I'd love to catch you not wearing it. I'd love to shame you. You've done it. What would you have said if I was like, oh yeah, my friends and I had a party? What would you have said? I would have held a phone up to you. Let's say we were in person and you mentioned that.

Okay. I'd quickly get out my phone and I'd hold it up to you and go, you had a party? You had a party? I'd really like it if you did not have a party. I'd like it if you didn't have a party because that endangers all of us and then I keep filming. And I go, it's not your business if I have a party. Yes. Yes.

It is my business. I'd really like it right now if you would not have a party and if you would not have a party anytime in the future because it puts all of us in danger and so I'd like you to put a mask on right now and I would like you never to have a party again and I'm filming you. I just want you to know I'm filming you and I'm getting in your face. You're so obnoxious. I know but I know that sooner or later, but you have a bad temper so would you admit

that? Yeah. I would be one of those people who like start screaming at you. Yes. You'd start screaming and then I'd post it and I would get so many hits of you going like, listen, this is America and I was born here and I live in Altadena and fuck all of you and I'm not going to wear a fucking mask and you just start and your hair bun would come loose and start shaking around and you just look crazy and be like, you fucking

listen to me. I fucking do what I want. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead and videotape me pussy. Go ahead and videotape me. Yeah. And then people from Costco would come with nets and they'd throw nets over you.

Man, you are coming in hot today. Yeah. But you're right. I mean, I think that that would be it, but you'd also, you would cancel me and you'd have to look for a new assistant and stuff. So. Yeah, that'd be hard. What?

Anybody out there want to have a job where you do very little, you get to be on a podcast and you get to call your boss a moron pretty much every five minutes. Aw. No, come on. You got it with me. You hit the jackpot, Sona. You hit the jackpot. Yeah.

And so have you. You're welcome. Yeah. You know what? Okay. Guess what? Matt, I didn't need that. I was listening to what Sona was saying and I was agreeing and before I could even agree,

you jumped in like the little sprightly imp that you are and started jamming a pitchfork up my ass. And I didn't need it. All I, I was fine. I was going to say, Sona, yes, I think you're lucky that you found me. And you know what? I'm lucky that I found you. We found each other.

And I think we make a good, we're like peanut butter and something, it's not jelly, something that doesn't go as well with peanut butter. I'm trying to think what it is. We're like peanut butter and hummus. Hummus. Yeah. Hummus works. Really?

Did you think of hummus because I'm like Middle Eastern? Well, you have offered, you've told me how much you love hummus. This is not. I fucking love hummus. Yeah. Okay. So we're on that. Yeah.

So don't try and shame me or hashtag cancel me because I said you like hummus. Yes. You're like Conan. Yeah. Well, the great. Middle Eastern people like hummus. Yeah. You have told me pretty much every day how much you, you can't live without hummus.

And once your purse fell on the floor and it fell open and hummus came out and it wasn't even in a, it wasn't even in a jar. She pours hummus into her purse and occasionally in the day, like a bear with honey reaches a paw in and grabs it and munches it down. True or false? True or false? With my fingers? Like with my hands?

Yeah. Like I said, you're, you're like a bear with its paw. So yes. I guess if human, yeah. Hand. Okay. So, okay. Yeah.

Yes. Okay. All right guys. We got to wrap this up. Did this, we didn't do anything. This was so. We didn't do anything. Here's what we did.

People tuned in and they said, I want to chill. It's hot outside. I still have to socially distance. I just want to relax. So they made themselves maybe a little drink, maybe it's a little, little wine and they lay down in a pool on a raft and they tuned out and they turned on summer s'mores and the chill chums. And they got very.

Conan and the chill chums. Sorry. Oh yeah. We should probably mention my name again. I don't get much promotion around here. By the way, my show is called Conan. Anyway, they're chilling out and they just started to like really get in a good space when we started talking.

And then their heart rate was suddenly up to 180. They had spilled their drink. They had fallen out of off the raft into the pool. Their ear buds had shorted out. And yeah, so I apologize. I guess this is next one's going to be more chill. I promise. I won't come in hot.

How's that apology accepted? Thank you. Mm hmm. Yeah. And will you promise me, Matt, not to do your chill chum character anymore? If you'll chill. Yeah, I will. Cause then you won't need it.

You know that it just irritates me, so it does the opposite of chill me, which you know. And that's why you do it. Hey man, you just got to go with it, man. Come on. Oh God. Oh man. You're the, you're the acolyte that was so annoying. Manson kicked you out of the group.

Yeah. Hey, people say I look like Manson sometimes when I have a beard. I see that. That's disconcerting. Yeah. Sorry. When I get my eyes wide like this. Yeah.

You're very Manson-esque for sure. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. You could be Manson. I guess I take that as a compliment. Yeah.

It's chill. I'm chill Manson. Okay. Just stop saying chill. I would join your cult. Hey. It would be real chill and fun, I think. Yeah.

Okay. Now you're both ganging up on me. We're not. I'm talking about if Matt had a cult, I would join it. Right. Cause it'd be fun and chill. And we'd probably build things. Yeah.

Right. You'd be my co-leader. Hey. That's cool. Okay. I'm talking about someone who found a biker gang, paid them each 50 bucks. We'd go down there with baseball bats and break it up. That's what we would do.

Come on. Come on. I'd chase you into the woods. Peaceful cult. I would love to see you approach a biker gang and try to make it. I know. What do you do? Why are you asking so easy for you to be friend of biker group?

Fellows. Fellows. Nerd. Excuse me. Get him. Kill. Fellows. Fellows, before you strike me.

Give me a thigh. I'd like to question you about these motorized bicycles. I would need your assistance if you don't mind. I see you all belong. You're wearing leather jackets. Little hot for leather. Don't you think gentlemen? Are those Tom Ford glasses?

Oh. Funny you ask. Yes. Yes. Jeff Goldblum. You're probably familiar. Jeff, step out here and talk to them. Yes.

It's the fly. Oh, gentlemen. Such wonderful sleek machines. Yes. Yes. Well, anyway, Jeff Goldblum and I were walking along and we found you and, yes, they're from Tom Ford. Oh.

Shut up, Willow. I want to hear the other one talk. He's turning me on. It's happening. That's just a scenario where I'm going to hire, bringing everyone up to speed back in the scenario. Matt and Sona have a cult. I want to break it up with the help of a bicycle, with a bicycle, with a motorcycle gang.

That's how uncool I am. They'd have you. They'd have you. With a motorcycle gang. Yes. I stopped some cyclists on the road. We're in spandex. No, I go up and I find a motorcycle gang and I happen to be with Jeff Goldblum and we

start trying to talk to them about my Tom Ford glasses. Yes. That's an area. Yes. Then quickly we're beaten with chains. Okay. Okay. That's a nice summer image you needed.

Yeah. We'll see you next week. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sona Movesessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer

Samples. This show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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