Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 5

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

On another Summer S’mores special, Conan and the Chill Chums discuss the perfect murder.

Okay, Conan O'Brien here, and this is a very special sort of addition or offshoot if Conan O'Brien needs a friend. It's a summer addition, little something, little treats. We call summer s'mores with Conan and the chilled chums. This is meant to be just an extra bonus, kind of help you get through the summer. It's very hot out there. And of course, we also have the added irritation. I shouldn't call it irritation, but the irritation of quarantine. Now, I was accused last week, and I don't know, this is up to the listener to decide, but I was accused by my compatriots, the chilled chums, of not being very chill and being sort of ratcheted up and coming in hot. And that may be the case. I don't know. I'm humble enough to

accept that I am, despite incredible powers, a human and flawed. And so it's possible that I was not chill last week. And if that's the case, I'm sorry. And I will try to be more chill during this episode. I'll do the best I can. So with that in mind, let's begin. Sona, it's nice to have you on the show. It's very nice to be here. Yeah, okay. You see me. We were just talking about murder in the summer. And so I realize that's not a very chill topic. So I have nothing to say right now. Before we came on the air, before we pressed record, whatever is the correct term. Matt, what's the correct term? I think press record, but you know, it's a general term. I think people

forgive you for that. Okay. I don't understand the podcast format. I actually still don't understand television after doing it for 27 years. So you'll forgive me if I'm a little clumsy in my wording. But before we started, we're all just chatting. And of course, I would say the one thing the three of us really have in common is maybe a lot of people have this, but we all are very obsessed with murder. I love and I don't love murder. I mean, that's a terrible thing to say. Yes, in a perfect world, I would be able to murder. Wait, what? But I understand that there are social conventions and laws and I don't want to go to prison. So I will not murder despite my sick thing to say. Despite my insatiable desire for murder and the constant voice in my head

that says murder, murder, you know, it's what you want. You know, it's what you're good at. Sometimes that's not just in your head, by the way, that you say that out loud. By the way, I'm saying this, I think in a very chill way. You did come in very chill this episode. I want to say you didn't come in hot. And you know what? My tone is still very chill. As I tell you, that my greatest, my greatest desire in life is to wantonly murder, rob other people of their lives and get away with it. So there you go. That's, and I'm just saying that as a chill chump. Before you even said that, if you did murder and someone came up to me and said, hey, did you ever think he'd be the kind of guy who'd murder? I'd be like, yes, absolutely. He

talks about murder all the time. I'm obsessed with murder. And what is interesting is that Sona, you know, I hired Sona. We all do things, we laid a regret, but I did hire, I did hire Sona. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, unnecessary. I'm not married, I'm not married. Terrible. Terrible. I love you, Sona. But I did hire you. And one of the things we did early on, because I had just moved out to Los Angeles. This is like 11 years ago. We just moved out to Los Angeles. Son and I were, I think we were somewhere in the car together because we had to do something and you said, oh wait, this is near the scene of the first Manson murders on Cielo Drive.

We were on Benedict Canyon. Benedict Canyon. And then the two of us were really like, oh, we've got to go up there and see it, which I know sounds ghastly and everything, but we both knew every single detail of Manson and the whole history of Manson. And that's when we realized, okay, this is something we have in common. We have many things that we're, that we're aren't in common, where we're not alike. I could go on at length about those. Okay. Nope. You know.

Move on. Okay. I cherish America. Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. You were telling a nice story about us looking at the house where, you know. Yeah. What a nice story. What a nice tale. What a nice story about.

Of us retracing the steps. But we knew all the people in the car. We knew then, you know, about what they did the next night. We knew, we knew everything. And then I realized that whenever I'm traveling or going anywhere, the first thing I try and look for is a forensic files because they show one after another after another after another. And I just watch those. And I'm fascinated with that stuff. And Matt, you have some interest in murder? Yeah. I suppose I grew up in the place where the night stalker did his night stalking in Whittier. And so it was really kind of big in the community, obviously at the time.

Right. That was a big story. That was a big thing. And my wife was in a play with a guy who did a double murder and dismembered the bodies and spread them throughout a park. Oh, my God. Wait, what? This is not chill. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're the guy that really reprimanded me last week for not being chill. Well, it's the way you deliver it. I said this guy just did a double murder. And that's okay. I'm just coming, you know, coming in cool. Who did he murder?

Well, you know, it's funny. My interest was what was the play? Oh, it was Arsenic and Old Lace. Of course it was. That's fantastic. That's about murder. That's a whole play about murder. Did he murder while they were making the play together? He did it much later on. He did it later on. His name was Dan Walsniak. He's on Death Row. And he was this really kind of creepy director, actor in community theater. And yeah. And he needed, he was getting married and he wanted money for a honeymoon. And so he went and took a guy in his apartment complex to an old theater and shot him.

And then tried to frame his kind of girlfriend for the murder and then killed her and tried to make it look like a double homicide. I have one question. How does this lead to him getting money? That makes no sense. Like I got a good money making scheme. No, you know, can I just say something? There's every time you read about a murder or hear about a murder or watch a documentary about a murder, 90% of the time the person's like, I'm going to go and by killing these four people, I'll get $600. And my chances of being caught are only 90%. I'm going to leave all my DNA at this point. Yeah, your return on investment is not good.

What I do is I, I slice them to death with my driver's license and then leave that behind. I choke them to death with my tax return and then leave that in the body. It's just like the stupidest. I sprinkle some of my DNA on the scene on the DNA killer. That's my token. Yeah. What I do is I have these return address stickers that I've had made for my envelopes. And what I do is I cover their whole body with my name and return address so that they, their pores can't get any oxygen and they slowly suffocate. Then I go back home to the apartment that's listed on their return address labels and I

think about how they'll never catch me. Oh my God. I take the key from my Tesla, which is linked to my iPhone and I make them eat it. Then I leave and because I've left my key of my Tesla there, I walk home. But first I paint my shoes with fluorescent paint because that's just my fun criminal twist. And then I go home and I say, good luck catching me. There's very little except fluorescent paint on my shoes and my Tesla key and my Tesla outside the apartment to link me to the crime. That'd be fun to come up with a list of like the worst, worst murderers.

Yeah. Well, you brought up forensic files. All of those people are usually kind of dumb. I think most, I'm going to say something controversial. Most murderers are not smart. Yeah. Serial killers on the other hand, that's something to strive for. Yeah. I think it's safe to say that probably the vast majority of murderers aren't smart. There are many better ways to, many better hobbies. Let's just put it that way. Many better hobbies. But yeah, I've been obsessed with murder my whole life. I was on that show, a podcast, My Favorite Murder with Karen in Georgia and they have an amazing podcast. I'm sure you've checked it out because it's extremely popular,

but they had me on their podcast and they know everything about murder. And I think halfway through the podcast, they were put off by how I knew way too much. Not put off meaning they were just like, oh, that's creepy. I mean, I managed, I think, to creep them out. That's saying something. They'd randomly bring up, you know, like Bob Crane from Hogan's Heroes Murder. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, that motel in Scottsdale. Yeah. He was bludgeoned to death. I know all about that one too. What? Yeah.

By his creepy friend. Well, allegedly it was never proven. Oh, seems like you're taking a side in that. Well, I'm not. I'm quite sure it was him, but I don't think we're allowed to say it was him because he was a podcast of record. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. I do want to make sure that we that we hue to the legal shoreline as closely as possible. This is the podcast where you said you wanted to murder someone just to be clear.

Yeah, you did. Well, I think it's not illegal to desperately want to murder and to have that be your lifelong dream. And in fact, the only thing you think about day and night, and the one thing that you think would bring you closest to the face of God, I don't think it's wrong to say that that's what I want. I'm just I'm not going to do it, but oh my God, if I could murder. Coney, what's your perfect murder?

I mean, just pie in the sky. What are you going to do? Well, I'm glad you asked. Can I guess what your favorite murder would be? Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead, Sonia. I think that you're definitely someone who would want to strangle because you would want to look at their eyes as the life escapes their body.

Very good. Very good, Sonia. I've seen you look at me that way. Yeah, and you know when you've seen it, Matt, as I'm strangling you. Yeah, that's right. The first meeting that Matt and I ever had when Adam Sacks introduced us. He talked for about five minutes. I left across the table and I started choking the life out of him, and I started to see the light go out of your eyes when Adam, Jeff Ross,

and a few other people physically restrained me. Oh, God, you know how I want to kill you? How's that? Did you ever see you only live twice and they put a little spool of thread from the rafters down while you're sleeping and then you drop poison just down onto your lips? And then I just watched the life slowly drain. No, but that's no good. That sucks, and I'll tell you why. How dare you?

How dare you criticize my form of murder? Yeah. Because you're up in the rafters. I'm imagining it's hot because you've been hiding up there for a long time. You've had to hide up there for a long time because you had to watch me. It takes me forever to get to sleep. Yeah. So you'd have to watch me do all kinds of sick things just to fall asleep.

And then finally, I'd fall asleep and you'd be like, huh, now my perfect murder. And you'd unspool your little thread and then you'd trickle down. And I'm a pretty sound sleeper, so you wouldn't notice the point of death. I would just, I sleep like a dead person. And so you'd be there going like, well, yes, I just watched him go from sleep to what looks like more sleep, how satisfying. I guess I'll creep out of here through this air duct.

What are you talking about? I don't know. You know what? Just to have you dead is enough for me, I think. I don't really care. Well, speaking of poison, I have thought if I was ever to kill Conan, I would just slowly poison him over a period of time with his lunches that we go with. Munch has him by proxy?

Yeah. Like you, I get the lunch from the interns, drizzle a little, I don't know what poison. All you have to do is whatever lunch they bring me is going to kill me eventually. What do you mean? Well, I don't know. Let's just say some of the food we get there at the lot, whatever. Yeah. But I mean, like actually kill you slowly.

And you know, I would sit there and eat lunch with you and watch as you just kind of get sick over a course of time and then, you know, eventually your organs. But you know, how long a period of time? What if what if you're doing it so slowly and so carefully that finally it kicks in when I'm like 94? I'm going to change mine and I'm going to stay with the James Bond thing. I'm going to put you naked in a bottomless chair and beat your balls with a carpet beater. Oh my God, Matt, Jesus Christ, what just happened? I think now we're getting closer to Matt's true fantasy because he's finally got my clothes off.

Oh my God. And he's handling my testicles. So we're now at least you're being honest now. Wait, Matt is beating his balls. Does that kill him? That's in Casino Royale, you know. In Casino Royale. And I don't think that was going to kill him.

That was just going to. But in my case, it would kill me. That would kill me if my testicles were smashed. I don't want to get into it any more than that. But let's just say. You know, I have to say, I came in hot today and I apologize. You know what? I love you.

You lectured me. I've been. I'm admitting it, friend. I don't want people to think of me differently now that they know that my only true real purpose in life is to murder and murder again randomly. And without conscience. I want people to still see me as the Conan they grew up watching or have been watching for the last almost 30 years.

Just that friendly guy who secretly wants to roam the countryside stealing life with little remorse. Mainly in the Pacific Northwest. That's where stuff seems to go down the most. They always say it's always the Pacific Northwest. And I think I think it's because it's raining a lot. Yeah. California too.

It's a hotbed for murder. It really is. Because it's a lot of glamour. Manson, the Golden State Killer, Night Stalker. Mm-hmm. Well, who's the like star sign guy? Zodiac. The Zodiac Killer.

Zodiac Killer. Is that a killer? What about also the Wonderland murders? One possible reason for that. I'm going to be serious here for a second. Might be that California is a very large state. And there was a period of time there where it was less populated and had a lot of highways and interstate and a lot of people who weren't native to California.

So you could come here and be kind of anonymous, do something, and then just jump on the highway and be somewhere else completely. Yeah, yeah. So that's why I moved to California is I thought like, yeah, this is good. I could get in, I could move quickly. I could get from Gorley's house right onto the 130th floor to the 128th to the 226th to Los Caos Noches Canyon over to El Doabe. And then I could make my way down the coastline and be near Casas-Cacocas very quickly.

Hey, I just learned we have a little natural lake about a block from our house and that people were murdered there turn of the century. And they used to call the lake a spooning lake, which was like a euphemism for where people would go and screw around. Oh, like do it? Yeah, like do it. That's cool. Wait a minute, well, spooning, are you sure spooning means doing it?

It did in this article I read that that was the term that they would use, like how necking for making out kind of things, spooning meant spooning but with no clothes, like sporking. I love that back in the day, making love meant just flirting with someone. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So they'd say like, I made love to your wife meant really you were at a party and you were sort of flirting with her a little bit.

And I just spent hours making love to you and you still have no interest in me? You know, it's this weird time when making love, of course, now no one even says that anymore. Why, you made love to me on the porch last night and this is how you treat me? Yes, exactly, exactly. Which, you know, or you made love to me on that swing and I used to think, wow, that guy's an athlete, but no, it didn't mean that at all. You know, that guy's double hinged, you know what I'm saying, everybody? Stop, stop that.

Yeah, don't do that, don't do that. That noise you're making, I don't like it. Sorry, that was me enjoying life for a second and you both told me I don't like it. Yeah, stop it, stop it. What about pitching woo? That's a weird phrase too. What are you, what? Sona, that's an old one too. I'll pitch woo to you.

You know, he was pitching woo. That's back in the days when if you were a courton, let's say your husband, Tak, back when he was wooing you, he would come to your apartment and what he'd do is he'd have... He would call on your apartment. He'd call on your apartment and if, first of all, what he would do is Tak would come to your apartment and there'd be a landlady and he would leave his card. That would be the first thing, like back then you left your card. You know, now people just send a dick pic but back then you left your card and then the

landlady would say, this person left a card for you and then you don't even respond to the card. He then has to come back later on after he's left his card once, maybe like three years later and then he has to... And he's wearing a high-starched collar and he waits for you in the parlor and then you go and you sit with him for a little bit and you exchange a little bit of information about each other but there's no touching and then he leaves and then he comes back like a year later. That's what it used to be like. That's what it was like and that's what it was like for me growing up.

Did you ever pitch woo? I did pitch woo. I was the best woo pitcher you ever saw. I pitched me some woo. I was knee-deep in pitching woo. Come on, call me. Well, I'm sorry. Come on, man.

Doesn't really work. Oh, man, I pitched me some woo back in the day. Knee-deep in woo. Yeah, I was knee-deep in woo. Now, modern-day woo would be like if you gave a note to somebody in school and was like, do you like me, check yes or no? I had to do that once for a friend of mine and she liked the hottest guy in school and she wanted me to give him a note and it said, do you want to go out with me, yes or no?

And then he made a new box and wrote, hell no. No. Check it and underlined it. It was the worst thing. And I had to give it back to her and it was horrible. That's terrible. I know. Why did you give it back to her?

Because he responded and I didn't want her to, I don't know. I just felt, I was just doing my duty. I don't know. If I had seen the hell no, I don't think I would have returned it to her. I just would have said, I lost it but, and he is really interested, but he has syphilis. What grade was this? This was in elementary school. So he's got syphilis in elementary school.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. He traveled in Europe in the 1880s and he got syphilis. I don't know. I don't think I would have given that back. I would not have returned that. I think you did the wrong thing and I think you hurt your friend. I've met a lot of your friends.

Do I know that friend? No, this one is, I don't keep in touch with anymore. Yeah, she never spoke to anybody. I know, she stopped talking to me. She stopped talking to me after that. No one ever saw her again. She, she, she read the hell no and she said, well, that's it for me and walked away and no one's seen her since.

Nice job, Sona. Hey, what about the guy? What about the guy who wrote hell no? Whatever happened to him? That was Tak. No, I know. I married him. I married him.

He's the guy for me. Sona wrote the response. That's right. He checked. Yes. You got some white out and whited it out and then wrote hell no and you did that. You gave it to her and then you started your 20 year plan to get to together and get it on with Tak, Takasizian.

Yeah, it's not his last name. It seems like it. No, you can't, you can't keep adding Ian at the end of names and being like, it's an Armenian name now. That's not how it works. But yeah, no, I, that was awful. I still remember it. Yeah.

I would ask you guys if you gave notes to girls, but I feel like I know the answer. Hey, I passed a note to my wife three weeks ago. We've been married 18 years and it said, do you like me? You know, check. Yes. No. And she just didn't give it back. She's still, she's still thinking about it.

Things have gotten a little frosty during quarantine. No, I kid, I kid. We're a very passionate couple. Conan. Huh? What? I'm just saying we're both very warm-blooded. Well, it's, it's time to wrap this one up.

Sorry. Can't handle the passion between my wife and I and an 18 year marriage. No, can't. Stop, please stop. It's crazy. I'm sorry I said you guys didn't give notes to girls, but I just feel like you both were really shy. I think anyone listening knows I'm a very sensual animal. Okay.

If they're still listening. Yeah. If you're still listening, can you please call anybody who might also have been listening and stopped and tell them Conan's a very sensual animal? God. I'm like a, my computer screen is sweating right now. Just, yeah. Everyone's uncomfortable.

Just sort of like a jungle cat on the prowl. Oh my God. None of this will make air. It shouldn't. But it will make love. Matt, you're banned from the podcast. I understand. Just for a while, just for about six years.

Okay. You'll still get paid a tenth of your salary. Oh, that'd actually be a fair trade. It works for you. Yeah. Okay. Well, that was a, I think I was more chill. You were. You were.

And I think we can even do better next time because that's our last chill chums episode. So we got to get you all the way there. Yeah. You're super chill talking about how you want to murder and stuff. That was really cool and chill and stuff. Yeah. Subject not chill, but your delivery was chill. Yeah.

I think because we were talking about something I'm very passionate about, I got into a very chill zone. So yeah, let's wrap up this one. And I'm going to try to be even more chill. And that's going to be, you should tune in because that will be the most chill I've ever been. I may even take something before we, before we do it. Great.

I'm talking about like an herbal tea. Nothing illegal. Okay. That's it for now. Bye-bye. This has been a team Coco production in association with Aeol.