Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 6

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

On the final Summer S’mores special, Conan and the Chill Chums discuss who Conan should expect to see at his own funeral.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends Hello there. This is Conan O'Brien. Welcome to the third installment of... Sixth. Sorry. Now I'm not chill anymore. I was so chill. I was trying so hard to be chill. Keep it chill. Keep it chill. Keep it together. You got this. Okay. I just got corrected by Sona. I'm wearing a heart rate monitor. My heart rate went from 45 beats a minute to 210. Just because Sona corrected me, but I'm bringing it down right now.

There he goes. There he goes. Here we go. Here we go. Welcome to the sixth installment of Summer S'mores with Conan and the chill chums. Matt and Sona are trying to bait me and irritate me. It's like someone hitting the Hulk with a pool cue to try and get him mad. I guess that would be Bruce Banner with a pool cue to get him to turn into the Hulk. But I'm not going to. I am going to stay calm. Because I've been criticized in the past for being too type A, too aggro, maybe too funny, too talented. So I'm just going to keep it calm.

There you go. And I'm here and I'm talking to Sonoma of Sessian. Hey Conan. How are you? I'm super chill. And Matt Gorley. Hey. I have no comment on how you're behaving in this episode because how you behave is just you doing you.

That's right. You can't change the chill. No. I suppose you can't heart rate rising slightly. But now let's get it back down again. We have the hottest time in summer right now. People are really feeling the heat. And so this is just an opportunity for us to get together, hang, be, breathe.

And that's with the belly breathe. Use the belly breath. That means in through the nose. What was that noise? My cat. Whose cat is that? Mine. Okay.

Come here. I feel like you're chill now. But I feel like I can very easily test this if you can really be chill. Oh yeah? How do you think that you could do that? Like who cares about learning about World War II? Or isn't it crazy that the CIA killed Robert Kennedy? Robert Caro couldn't write a book to save his life.

Yeah. Overrated. Yeah. The Beatles suck. Yeah. These are opinions that everyone's entitled to. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah. And you know, I may not share those opinions,

but I respect you guys. I love you and I'm right now just feeling the vibrations of the earth, the harmony of the planets as they spin and resolve in their cosmic dance. Impressive. And I am me. I am I. I am all I need. Model airplanes are stupid.

And the people who do them are losers. You know, I've only made two. I've only made two. I've made two model airplanes. That's one more than you told us about. Yeah. I made about eight years ago a wooden model. As hard rates rising.

Wright Brothers 1903 original flyer and it hangs above my desk. And then during quarantine, during quarantine, I got an old Bilo's model and I made a stop with camel. What do I do this podcast with you? I don't know. So chill. Why do I deal with you? Let's go back.

Let's talk about happier times. Why? I think this COVID is going to, I could talk about how I'm optimistic. Sona, what do you think? Yeah. I think that's a great idea. I like it. Okay.

Do it. Incredible amount of enthusiasm. Sorry. Yeah. That was, you were like a balloon that was slightly inflated, being de-inflated. You went, you literally went, how's that fun? Yeah.

Let's do it. It's so fun. Is that what you said? When Tak asked you to marry him, did you go? Yeah. Yeah, no. Okay. We could do that and spend our lives together.

Sure. Sounds fun. Let's do it. Matt, what do you think? I think that's a great idea. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do it.

I like this idea. I'm behind it. Here we go. Okay. I'm going to say something that no one's saying. I'm optimistic. I'm optimistic as some of you may or may not know. My father is a scientist and he's a very rational guy.

And although, yes, we've all been through a lot and there's terrible news after terrible news. I really believe that science is going to come to the rescue. I believe that in my heart. I believe that science is going to come to the rescue and that there's going to be something, maybe even sooner than we think, that's going to maybe be, if not a vaccine, then a really good palliative cure. And so I don't know.

I've just been trying to feel optimistic lately that, yeah, we've got a socially distance. We've got to wear masks, but I'm optimistic. I talk to people, especially younger people that don't have a lot of frame of reference that just think, well, I guess this is life now. And I think, no, it's not. It's not going to be life. We, you know, terrible things have happened before. And then I always say, cheer up.

Terrible things will happen again. Yeah. And then they start saying, what do you mean? And I go like, oh, all kinds of horrible things that you can't even imagine. Were you thinking of COVID a year ago? No, you weren't. And here it is. So don't you worry.

Awful, awful things are coming that you could never imagine. So cheer up. Not many people want to keep talking to me after that, but I am, I am all joking aside. I am optimistic. What do you guys think of that message? Yeah, I love science. I'm a big fan of science. I feel like we should just get out of its way as long as it's, you know, doing its

thing. You know what makes me crazy? I've been thinking about this recently. There are people that are science deniers, why I can't see it. So then I'm just, I'm not going to take your word for it that it's true, meaning I can't see COVID or I don't know anyone personally who got COVID. So screw you. I'm going to a bar.

What makes me angry is I would respect the people like that more if they were anti-science across the board, but they're not. They're very happy to jump on a plane and go someplace, right? They're very happy to jump in their, in their, in their car or their truck. They're very happy to drink beer. They're really happy. There's a million things they're happy to do that are all basically the product of science.

So they pick and choose. They're just choosing like, I don't like this part of science. So I'm not going to do it, but they're more than happy to take advantage of all the science that went into. You know how complicated it is to make beer? You need a nuclear reactor, you need plutonium, you need iradium. It's very complicated. What kind of beer are you drinking?

I know. I don't think that's right. Someone told me it was beer and I've had it for a while. You're drinking the coolant from a nuclear power plant. Yeah. And my thyroid came out in my urine stream last night. And my urine stream is like a lightsaber. So maybe I'm not drinking beer.

It was this physicist I met about six years ago and I had never really tried beer before and he said, try this. And I said, is this beer? And he said, sure, just drink as much of this as you can and I have and I can travel through time. I can't get that image out of my head of you peeing like a lightsaber. Well, what's really cool is I went to, I was at a urinal. This is pre-COVID at a sporting event and I was peeing in the urinal and I really try

and get up close to the urinal because I get self-conscious about my urine stream, which as we now know, is ionized. It looks like a lightsaber because of the plutonium I've been drinking, which someone told me was beer as a prank, I suppose. And Nick Cage, Nick was Cage, steps up to the urinal next to me, he's like, oh, hey, Conan. And I'm like, oh, hey, Nick Cage is like, yeah, it's good to see you there, buddy. And I went, Nick, it's good to see you too.

You're looking good. And as I do, I always check out a guy's junk when I'm in a urinal. Yeah, it's like to take a quick mental note, know what's going on. It's always good to know who's packing what. And I look down and he's got the same beam coming out of his urine stream. And I was like, Nick, are you drinking an ionized fluid that someone told you was beer? And he's like, yeah, four years ago. I'm sure this wasn't Jimmy Stewart you were next to.

Yeah, I know. What's happening with your impression? Four years ago. Well, it's him from, you know, whatever, Mary Sue got married, whatever it's called. Oh, I love that movie. Yeah. Peggy Sue got married. Yeah.

Well, well, sir. I love Moonstruck, Nicholas Cage. He's my favorite. Okay. Well, help me with my Nicholas Cage because I didn't say I did a Nicholas Cage impression. But anyway, he said, yeah, Conan, I drank that stuff too and I've been drinking it for years. And then for fun, just started to have a lightsaber battle there, you know, right there in the

bathroom. Like a dick fight? Well, it was with the urine streams that were ionized. Does it make the sound to like the, oh yeah. And people were like coming out of the bathroom to use the bathroom and seeing this going on and people were like, oh my God, Nick Cage and Conan O'Brien are having an ionized urine saber fight and word got around and it just, it was fucking crazy. It was nuts.

Did your dicks touch? What's that? No, they can't. The beams are too long. It did it accidentally like flap, flap into one another. What are you talking about? No, they can't. This wasn't just something this ionized beam that you and Nicholas Cage agreed upon to

have an excuse to just do this thing together. Yeah. That wasn't the case. To just touch dicks. Yeah. No, I'm telling you what happened. This is an actual story and the fact that we later hung out a lot and spent time together at Palm Springs, we got a house there together, but we had to, we were kicked out because

our, our beams set the roof on fire in the master bedroom so we were asked to leave. Your beams did. Yeah. This is something that's interesting. Yeah. I started with a heartfelt expression of optimism about how this crisis will lift and a better time is coming and then I don't know how this happened, but now it's a Nick Cage, Conan O'Brien, urine ionized laser fight.

Yeah. So with our, you know, urine streams. That sullies everything you said before. Well, sully used to be a bad word until sully sullenberger. So you just said you sullied it. And to me, that means I brought the conversation which had stalled into a miraculous landing and saved all three of us. So thank you.

When they make a movie out of this podcast, Tom Hanks will play you. Hey, wasn't he nice on the podcast? Yes. Oh, I love him so much. Wasn't he the best? He's the nice guy. And people always say that. I'm telling you, I've known him since 1988.

And you know, when you add up all the time that I've been around him, I've only seen him be a gracious, really nice, fascinating guy. When you guys were talking about World War II, I could have listened to you guys go on for hours. Yeah. No, when two icons of film are talking, you don't, you just want to let them go. You're an icon of film? Yeah.

I was cut out of the Coneheads movie. What were you? Conehead in the background. That's a true story. Seriously. Lord Michaels. Did they digitally remove you from the background? Lord Michaels wanted, it was one he was talking to me about doing the late night show and

he wanted to have a meeting with me and then he just was like, just I'll meet you at Paramount or whatever. And I went, okay. So I went to Paramount and he went, just listen, you're a Paramount anyway. Just be in the background of this Coneheads movie. We're making the Coneheads movie because the best time to make a movie about the Coneheads is 25 years after. It's been a huge hit on television.

But anyway, he said, just be in the background. And I went, you don't say no to Lorne. And I went, okay. And then when, you know, when you're done doing that, we'll talk. The next thing you know, I'm in a trailer and they're putting a big cone on my head and then I walk out and those things are ridiculous. They're really heavy and you can't maneuver. And I'm tall anyway.

I'm six, four, but the cone made me about seven, four or seven, five. And then I, I was like, oh man, this is really painful. I'm just going to lie down. And this person with a headset and a clipboard said, don't lie down. You can't lie down. You have to keep standing until your scene is shot because you'll ruin the cone. And I'm literally, it's like a crowd scene and I'm in the background. You don't even know it's me.

And I'm thinking, I just was here to talk to Lorne. Get over there and wait. And in 40 minutes we'll throw some ground chuck your way. And so I'm waiting and then I'm in the background and they go, okay, action. I mean, I'm so far from the camera that I can't even see the camera. And I hear, you know, Dan Akaro, I'd say, yes, Blinder, no Blinder, and Janker goes boo. And they go, and cut, okay, we'll do that one more time in six hours.

Everyone leave. No one lie down. Uh, then finally I shot the scene and of course they never use that scene. Do any pictures exist of you and your cone? You know, yeah, Lorne, I, Lorne, I think kind of as a joke later sent me this black and white photo and you see me in the background and there's a cone. Do I have it? No, I don't.

Or if I do, it's, I have like a citizen cane vault where I've just thrown, I don't get rid of anything, but honestly, when someone in Finland, and this is a true story, makes me, or Sweden, makes me a guitar out of a bathroom scale and sends it to me with a really cool note. I'm not going to throw that out. I'm going to keep that. It's just that it can't stay in my house. So I have a giant warehouse that's filled with the madness of my insane life.

And when I'm gone, someone probably soon is going to be there throwing things into the fire pit to get rid of them. And there's going to be one shot of her lifting a black and white photograph of me way in the background wearing a cone in an edited scene that was never, that never aired from the 1993 Coneheads movie and she'll toss it on the fire and next to the, next to the guitar, the electric guitar that's made out of a real 1960s bathroom scale and they'll both burst into flame. And Sona will turn right to camera and say, what a wasted life.

And then the end will come up. What do you think of that for the ending of my story? Am I in your will? Yes you are. Okay. I'm fine. Then I'll help you. What, what is she getting?

Yeah. What am I getting? No, it's not what she's getting. It's what's to be done to her. You want me to empty out your storage unit? You'll be, you'll be dead. Like why would I do that if I'm not getting a boatload of money or a house? First of all, let's keep in mind something.

If anyone is going to fake their death, it's yours truly. That is something that's so up my alley. When you hear like, yes, it happened at sea and they didn't find the body, you know that I'm still alive. That's true. Okay. And so yes, they'll be, because I really do want to attend my own eulogy and be hidden in the background.

And I want to watch what everybody says and bitterly take notes about who, like who comes, who doesn't show up. What kind of celebrity is like, what? Not one legitimate movie star showed up. It's going to be Kato Kalin. And that's it. Yeah. Kato Kalin is one is, hey, Kato Kalin is one of the pallbearers.

I love that you don't read online comments about yourself, but you want to be at your funeral. That sounds. The chances of someone saying something nice are so much better at a funeral. People universally say good things at a funeral. I will be there. My first time you hear I'm gone, it will be faked. And then I'll come back and people are going to be so pissed when I come back.

Yeah. They're not even going to be happy because you know what? It's not even going to be like that biggest story that I passed in the first place. And then when I do my big, guess what? I'm here after all, they're going to be like, what? And like half the company is going to be like, we didn't even read the story that you were gone. What are you talking about?

And I'll be like, yup, stop your crying. I'm still here. What are you going to do in that time when you're dead? Where are you going to go? And what are you going to do? I'm going to find out what Jim Morrison did when he faked his death and do the same thing. I'll probably be in Paris. I'll probably be walking around in really tight leather pants that don't look good.

And you know, I'll just be a sort of a wandering poet. I might learn a trade. I might learn to repair air conditioners or something. And I'll just live a very quiet life. And then every now and then someone will say, hey, you look sort of like and I'll go, yes. And they'll say that actress. And I'll go, no, you mean the talk show host Conan and they'll be like, who's Conan? No, I'm thinking of the actress.

What's her name? What is her name, by the way? Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. And I'll go, no, no, I'm Conan and I'll get really pissed. What if you come to your funeral and it's totally against your wishes? We're having a massive Irish wake. Everyone's drunk and having a good time and celebrating and stuff.

Wouldn't that hurt your feelings? Well, first of all, it hurts my feelings a little bit that you, if you said that about any other culture, you'd get canceled, you know, like if I can't, you'd be, everyone would be drunk because it's Irish. Yeah. Eating Lucky Charms. Yeah. Yeah.

Eating Lucky Charms and drinking and pouring, pouring scotch and whiskey under there. Yeah. And hitting each other with big shalales. But the Irish are a group that we don't care. You won't get, you won't get canceled for that because everyone's like, go at it with the Irish. It's probably true. No, I hope people are having a good time.

Okay. I'm able to have a good time. And then I want everyone to, whatever, I don't know who's going to speak first, if it's Spielberg or... Another extra from Coneheads. Yeah, and Bill Spielberg. Bill Spielberg. You're a life insurance guy.

Ron Hanks, who's a porn star. That'd be great. I would love it if, I mean, I want to live a long time. Let me be very clear about that. But when I go, I want the newspaper to say Spielberg was there, Hanks was there, all the biggest Beyonce was there, but it's Joe Beyonce. Anyway, the Conehead story, I don't think I've told that before, so that's out there now.

Maybe there'll be a director's cut someday of the Coneheads movie. Yeah, because that's what people want. Every day I check the paper and online to see if there's a hue and cry for a director's cut of the Coneheads movie, but no, it hasn't come up yet. Can you imagine, Sonia, if anytime anybody came to the show, like my accountant or someone who's just there to maybe talk about doing an internship or something, I said, look, I can't talk to you right now. But while you're here, we're going to put you into very heavy prosthetics and you'll

be in the background of a sketch and you won't get paid. The comedy on our show too, it's like, you're just going to get into prosthetics and then someone's going to, I don't know, they're shit at you and then you just have to stand there. They don't do that kind of comedy. We don't throw excrement at people. We might fire a dildo at them. We might dress them as Chewbacca and then have a guy dressed as Gandhi swing down on

a rope and tackle Chewbacca and then fire dildos at both of them. But we wouldn't just throw excrement on someone. That's not a fair depiction of what we do. You're right. I'm sorry. Apology accepted. Yeah. It's the dildos.

So you'd have your accountant come, get into prosthetics. It's funny because when you fire them, they wobble. It's not an accurate ballistics, they wobble and then they hit the Chewbacca and they hit the guy dressed as Gandhi. Anyway, that's a comedy sketch. I hate it when you just say, oh, we throw excrement at people. No. We are crafts people.

We are artists. We are dildo people. We are not shit people. Well, that's, no, I see what you're doing. Yeah. You're trying to demean what I do. Yeah. I see what you're doing.

But no. I'm not demeaning what you do. You said dildos. I'm just saying we're dildo people. I'm part of that machine. So yeah. Cool. Well, we should probably end this episode and this really does end the six episodes

of Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chilchums and it's been nice. It's been a nice hang. It's like we're going home from summer camp. Do you have any kind of sadness or is, I mean, I'm ready to get back home. I was always really happy to leave summer camp. Oh, not me. I was always so happy to leave summer camp. Yeah.

It was one of those kids that got homesick. So I was happy to go. I was happy to go home. So I was very excited when I knew that my trunk was packed, all the clothes that my mom had written my name in. My mom still writes my name in my clothes. That's nice. Yeah.

I hated going home. I always got into a depression. Really? Well, you probably liked getting away from the house. No, I love going home. I just had so much fun at summer camp. It was such a fun time and I was like, oh, I don't want this to end. So you're going to be depressed after this ends here?

No, not this. Nope. Nope. Not going to miss this. You know, we're coming to an end, but an end is always just an excuse for a new beginning. That's the way I look at it. And I'm excited about the new season of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and talking to those celebrities.

You know, yes, I like talking to you too. I really do. But I love talking to people that are famous and important, that society has deemed our better than normal people. That's my favorite part of the podcast, because that makes me feel better about myself, you know? Wow. No, no, I like you guys a lot.

I really do. I'm just saying, when I get to talk to people who are famous, i.e., better than normal people, it's like a real treat for me and I think a treat for the listener, you see what I'm saying? This is not meant to, I'm not putting you guys down at all as non-famous people go. As non-famous regular people go, you're fine, you're solid C plus B minus people, but when I get a chance, those are passing grades. When I get a chance to talk to a celebrity, which we do on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend,

you can probably hear in my voice and then you see the response online. People are like, oh my god, demigods, people with gold, liquid gold in their veins, the chosen who are in the tabloids, people that are occasionally mentioned like me, occasionally in Us Magazine, sorry, I love you guys, I really do. No, no, no, I won't have it. Oh, no, and I also, and I didn't mean it, it was just literally, it came up in my chat section of my computer. It was mentioned by Adam Sacks that you should probably say something human like you love

them at the end and it just came up. So, yeah, I do love you guys, but whatever, I'm just reading off. They tell me every now and then to show human emotion. Oh, here comes another one, show more human emotion and don't mention that this is in the chat. Okay, anyway, I love you guys and human emotion, human emotion, human emotion. No, no, no. And I can't wait till celebrities are part of this again.

Oh. They've been chosen by God. Do you think showing human emotion is just you saying the words human emotion? I don't, it says here agree with Son of that shows human emotion. Yes, yes. Oh. I'm just reading off these things Adam is just sending me how to behave. These are social cues because he wants me to seem like really human at the end of December

Smores. So, what's this next one? I'll miss, I'll miss you guys. And I look forward to us getting back together. Don't mention that this is that, okay, I'm not supposed to mention that. No. Anyway, you guys mean a lot to me, mean a lot, mean a lot, mean a lot. Well, Sona, I'm going to miss you.

Matt, I'm really going to miss you too. I am. And it's nice that Altadena and Pasadena are both close to each other. Yeah. And both in the United States. What freeway links them? Is that the 171? Is it the 252?

Adam, can you send them another message please to be human? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, this is coming across as condescending about where they live. It's like you live in a bubble when you talk about not knowing other parts of LA. It is not you in the best light. It goes against your good guy brand. So just be happy for people that don't live in your neighborhood and act as if you may

someday go there. You're reading this into the microphone, you can stop, okay, okay. I don't know, I love where you guys live and once I get, you know, adequate, once I get my shots and the correct currency for that area, I'll be by. Okay. How many weeks off do we have till the new episode? Can it be a year? Yeah, could it?

How about a year? How about a year, 52 American weeks, come on. Yeah. I don't think, guess what? I don't think people would put up with it. I don't think, I think our podcast, and I don't mean this to sound self-centered. I think the stock market would collapse if we're guide out that Conan LeBron needs a friend was not coming back for a year.

We are heroes. We are nothing short of American heroes. Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, can you please send the message? You know, people talk about these frontline workers. Oh, no, Adam. And I just want to say. You're not typing fast enough, Adam. I just, okay, sure, they're battling COVID, great.

But we're making a podcast where we, Adam, Adam's gone, Adam left. No, no, here comes this, we've lost all our advertisers. All right, well, anyway, in all sincerity, dropping my 35 facades. I don't even know who's the real me anymore. I'm hoping I get to talk to you really soon because I'd like to, I am looking forward to starting up Conan LeBron needs a friend and I, again, I hope you guys are too. Yes. Yeah.

Wait, are you talking to us or to the audience? I wasn't, I was looking, I'm in my room. I know. I know. You offered to the ether. Who are you talking to right now? I'll tell you exactly who I'm talking to. I'm talking to a pop doll.

It's a Conan pop doll that Annie Richter got me. Oh my God, you're talking to yourself. But an artist, then an artist turned into a zombie. It's your Dorian Gray. And I was looking right at that when I said I can't wait to see you again. Oh my God. Because I can't look at you two and say that and channel those feet. Here, I'm going to get him.

I'm going to show you. I know what pop doll he's talking about. This is a true confession, but I had to sort of sell the idea that I miss you guys and I love you and you're a big part of my life, but if I'm looking at you on Zoom, I can't do it. I had to go method. So I stared across this room at this pop doll that an artist made that Annie Richter gave me.

It's a Conan pop doll has been turned into a zombie. So this is what I was looking at that enabled me to channel true love and affection as opposed to you guys. Look at him looking around. It's like you giving a sincere kind thought takes the life force away from something. Yeah. Unless there's a representation of me, a three dimensional representation of me in the room that's half Conan, half zombie, which is after all the truest representation of me.

We'll leave you with that to chew on as you enjoy the rest of your summer. We will see you very soon. We won't actually see you. That's not how podcasts work and even I know that, but we will join you in the Cosmic Pod Sphere very soon and continue the journey of Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Good night. Good luck. Better times are on the way.

Let's hold this silence for two hours. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Ear Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Ear Wolf.