Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums Season 2 Episode 3

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Conan shares his most traumatic backyard memories with the Chill Chums on another Summer S’mores special.

Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums, a six-part series with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Let's get started. This is episode three of the Chill Chums, but episode two where we're living just in the wilderness. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

Our first Chill Chums was in studio. Right. Second one out in the wild. Yeah. And the third one out in the wild. And we're in the, just the crazy back country of Pasadena in Matt Gorley's backyard. Beautiful home I referenced last time that it's got a Mr. Miyagi's house vibe to it, which is just lovely.

I'm going to have you guys paint a fence and wax a car later. Yeah. That's fine. As long as 30 years later, I get to do a follow-up show on Netflix. Is it on Netflix? What is it? Yeah, it's on Netflix. I'd love that show.

Right? Yeah. We're here. Excuse me. We're outside. The birds are chirping. A lot of aggressive parakeet noises. Yeah.

And at some point there's a lake not far away that these geese might fly over to and they do a real honk job. What? They do a what? A honk job. I don't know. It just came out. It sounded so funny when I said it.

An HJ. I'd like to... That's the new HJ. A honk job. I'm going to explain to the listener that Matt and Sona have been drinking. What have you guys been drinking? We're drinking the chilled chum. Yeah.

We'll explain what's in it. It's bourbon, pomegranate juice, lemon, and muddled strawberry. Right. So they did that. That's good. And then they huffed gasoline. Yeah. Yeah.

Out on the street. We've siphoned it out of our car. I'm trying to keep an even keel. But you just broke yourself up with honk job. That's pretty good. It's... You know what? It holds up when I hear you say it.

It's still pretty good. Yeah. I like it. Sona's way out of control. Sona, are you going to be okay? No. Because you probably... Your tolerance is way down because you've had children and been breastfeeding and you

weren't drinking for a long time. No. I wasn't. For over a year I wasn't drinking. Right. And now I'll have this and then it's like party time. Right. Let me know if you need a refresher because we've got my lovely...

I need a refresher. Wife and sister-in-law on hand. You do? I need a refresher. Okay. Can we summon one of you guys to... But you know what? Maybe I should pace myself.

Up to you. No. It's funnier if you don't. Yeah. There's nothing less amusing on a podcast than someone pacing themselves. We've got people... I need to be... People are invested right now.

Can I eat these strawberry bits? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I'm going to try and keep this boat on course if I can. Okay. Thank you, Amanda. Thanks, Amanda.

Thank you very much, Amanda. It's in the cooler. Oh, you're on mic there, too, if you need... Where's ice? In the cooler. I'm glad we got that in a really good, high-def quality audio. Thank you, honey. You're living the life.

Look at you here. You're king of the podcast world. Your beautiful wife is bringing you a kooky concoction of your own devising, and we're all huddled around this gorgeous fire courtesy of the good people at Solo Stove. Yeah. Now, that's a fine machine. I'll see that right there. Yeah.

Yeah. If I'm going to build a fire outside, I want a Solo Stove. You know what? I'm going to stoke the fire, put in a little... A stroggie poop. A stroggie poop. And I'm going to give it a honk job. That's kind of...

I know. That's where I was going. Oh, my God. I'm trapped here with these idiots. All right. Well, that doesn't... Doesn't matter. I can still...

Oh, so I just burned my face off. No, you didn't, because the Solo Stove is very safe. You're right. I burned my face off. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God, Amanda. Thank you so much. Are you good, Conzi?

I'm really good. And it's Conan. Oh. Okay. And your employer, you fucker. You're fresh. Okay. You're like the guy who has dinner with his boss, and then humiliates himself.

And you're going to listen... Oh, I... You're going to listen to this tomorrow and be like, Conzi. I called him. And Amanda's going to be saying, what were you doing? It's true, because... You kept saying honk job? Hate Conzi?

Today, when I was cleaning the backyard, and we had to figure out who was going to watch Glenn at certain points, and I was like, but the boss is coming over for dinner. Right. I used to love that. I mean, I grew up watching Bewitched. It comes like Bewitched in reruns. Thank you. And that was this and old trope, is the boss is coming over.

And everything's going to be perfect. And then, of course, the housewife always ruins everything, and, of course, the boss or the new client finds it delightful and says, I see what you're doing. This is a new ad campaign. I love it. You're a genius, Stevens. That's you. You're the boss.

You're Larry Tate. I am Larry Tate. How's this? I am the Larry Tate of late night. I'm the Larry Tate of late night comics. He's great. That was always my... Larry Tate was great.

Tell us more about Larry Tate. Exactly. Yeah. Tell us what you liked about Larry Tate. Larry Tate just had this really great way of commanding a scene, and he was like... He actually did. Yeah, he did. She's doing a pretty good job of lying.

Because I know who Larry Tate is. I like about his hair. I liked that his hair was... I liked that natural highlights that he had when he would just... You mean like blonde highlights? Yeah, like he would have those natural blonde highlights, because he was from California originally. I don't know if you knew about that.

No, I didn't know. We should find out the actor who played Larry Tate. Yeah. You could probably look at that at some point. I have no idea. Sam. Sam. Okay, you're just out of control.

I can't do this. You can't... No, Larry Tate was the guy who was Samantha's husband, Darren Stevens, his boss. Yeah. Do you two know any new people? No. No, I stopped learning... Okay, yeah.

Not interesting. I stopped learning new things... Yeah. ...in 1982. Yeah. When Oingo Boingo came out with their first hit, I said, I'm good. Yep. I'm gonna stick with everything up until now.

When Wilson Phillips dropped that first album, I said, I'm done. I don't need anything more. Yeah. I can't get any better, first of all. Oh, yours was, you can't get any better, but you were... You're not an Oingo Boingo fan. So hold on. Yeah.

For one more day. Things are gonna change. Things are going your way. Hold on for one more day. I like the part where it gets the drum goes... Yeah. And it's almost like a... I mean, it wasn't rap, but it was...

It's a breakdown. It was kind of a breakdown. Yeah. Anyway. You guys are so cool. Listen. I was at a mall today, and a bunch of 15-year-olds walked up to me, and they said, we love the podcast, more Larry Tate, more Wilson Phillips.

And I said, you got it. And then they said, you better be sitting near a solo stove. Those things burn wood efficiently. They're beautiful. There's no smoke. There's no smoke. And I said, kids, it's on. Tune in tonight.

Of course, the name in the car, and I realized we taped these in advance. And there's no tuning in tonight to the podcast. I was ticking the talk the other day, and a bunch of kids came up to me on TikTok, and they said, what you're doing is what I need. Have you made a TikTok video? Ever? No, I never have. It was a bridge too far for me.

Did you ever make a TikTok video? I did with David. Yeah, he did it with us. With David Hopping, with your other assistant, the one who does things. We call him the assistant. What is your title? You don't do anything. I'm still your assistant.

What do you do now? Except ask me to be the godfather of your children. Ask me for this. Ask me for that. Write the forward for your book. Record it. And then narrate it. Then narrate it for the audio book.

Oh, you do the whole narration? Yeah, he did. She's totally scammed me. Yeah, she really has. All I do now is work for Sona Enterprises. You're her assistant. Yes. Oh, my God.

I am. I got her dry cleaning yesterday. It's brilliant. You're like Kaiser Soze. Yeah. So that one you're cool with? Yeah, Kaiser Soze? Yeah.

Of course. That's not far after Wilson Phillips. I know who Wilson Phillips is. I'm not about to sing the song on a podcast because I also don't know the word. Okay. Take it easy. Don't shame us. I'm sorry.

Who the fuck is Larry Dade? Played by David White. David White. Thank you, Eduardo. Thank you, Eduardo. I was close when I said Sam. David White, there's a clue to his actual hair. You know what?

We don't have, because we're out in the wilderness, we don't have Wi-Fi. So Eduardo just knew that. Well, he sent a runner. Did you see that? He sent the layoff. I saw him hand. This was so cool. You didn't see this.

But there's a little bench not far from our wonderful little campfire here. And I saw Eduardo write Larry Tate, actor who played in question mark on a little piece of paper. And he handed it to this, looked like to be a 15-year-old boy. And the boy just took off in the woods and ran. The boy's dead. Yeah. He was only wearing a loincloth in the first place.

He was wearing a loincloth made of bacon, and I think the bears got him. But another runner came back with the answer. So good job, Eduardo. Next time, no loincloth made of bacon. You got it. Yeah. We're just going to lose runners left and right. No loincloth at all, Eduardo.

You work for us. What kind of critters are out here, Matt? Oh, well, here's a sad story. When we moved into this place, we inherited two rabbits. And they... What do you mean you inherited? They were in a little hutch in the backyard. And the hutch was fully gated, but it didn't have a ceiling.

And they said, don't worry. They're safe. Well, we didn't realize because they had three giant dogs, that was what was keeping these rabbits safe. Oh. As soon as they left, bobcats got the rabbits. No, that's terrible. And we thought it was a coyote at first, so one of them got eaten.

And I built a coyote-proof ceiling, but it turns out it was a bobcat. And the bobcat got in and got the other rabbit. So a bobcat can get through a coyote-proof ceiling. That's the lesson learned. These ceilings are very specific. Very. So the coyote walked up. I mean, the bobcat walked up and was like, eh, damn it, there's a, wait a minute.

That's coyote-proof. And he looked to a camera that wasn't there and said, not bobcat-proof. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to tell you guys a chilling tale. Oh, this is good. This campfire, it's like a true story. I hope I haven't said this before, but this is a true story.

Okay. By the way, I should have peed before we started this. I'm chilling. I just really, really, you know, you don't, you don't even have to, you, we're camping. Yeah. So I know you, you're very fastidious and uptight and you're going to want to go into your, are you kidding? You're nice.

I'm happy to be in the backyard. You want to go to your special Frank Lloyd Wright toilet. But now that sounds good too. You can pee in your own, in your own yard, you know. I know I can. Don't let the fact that there's 35 technicians here. Yeah. It's not bad anyway.

I can and have, but I won't know. Okay. Eduardo, do me a favor. Give me the exact day that Nixon resigned the presidency. Oh. This is important. Good story. He's sending a runner off now.

Yes. It's written on a piece of paper. It's someone in a beekeeper's outfit made of beef jerky. August 8th, 1974 is when he gave his resignation speech. Okay. Did he get some of the helicopter? You should know that. August 8th?

Yeah. Okay. It's important that I get this right. Nixon resigned from office on August 9th, 1974. Okay. According to Wikipedia. Okay. Okay.

August 8th, 1974. This is a true story. My parents, there's a woman who came and helped out my parents for a little bit. There were six of us. My parents are working. And then she departed the family. She was like moving on to something else. And she had come from, I think, Nova Scotia.

And so she gifted us a bunch of little baby chicks, little, you know, little ducklings. And she gave us these and we kept them in a little, we didn't know what we were doing, but we just kept them in the backyard and we put a piece of little fence around them. And we had them for like two or three days. The backdrop. Two or three days. Come on. I'm just saying two or three days prior to the story.

We had them. Hold on. Hold on. No. So we had the, we had, well, maybe you're really fun people to tell us stories. Sorry. So both of you have a nice slice of fuck yourself pie. You're the worst.

Sorry. It's just the worst. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's good. It's terrific. Anyway.

Is there pie? Yeah, there's pie. So anyway, that's the story is when they're a little backyard, we have this, we've made a little circle of mesh and these little baby chicks are in there going beep, beep, beep. And we're what, we're literally watching Nixon resign on television in Brookline, Massachusetts. So how old are you? Like 11, right? Yeah.

I'm 11. Yeah. I'm smart. I'm smart. We're watching Nixon resign. He's like, you know, I'm going to resign. That's pretty much how it went, kids. Look it up.

Oh, they, they got me. They got me good. I'm out of here. Yeah. I got to go. I'm going to resign tomorrow. Yeah, that's what's going to happen to you. And so Nixon's resigning and all of a sudden we hear all this insane shrieking in the backyard

and we grabbed flashlights and we run out there and raccoons had totally helter-skeltered our chicks. And what I saw were little webbed feet. They chomp the birds and then like it was an appetizer. No. Yes. I think they held the birds by the little webbed feet and chomp them and then put them back. Like that's the toothpick that you put in the napkin for the waiter.

That's what the fucking raccoons did. They chomped it and then they put the little feet down. Oh no. And one of the, I guess, ducks was nonchalant because its little legs were crossed kind of. No. Yeah. It was very nonchalant duck.

And so I think he was just leaning against the, the, the mesh and he got chomped but his legs were stuck in this very cool, you know, I don't give two fucks sort of pose. But I guess now he does. When the raccoons took off, that is my memory of whenever I see any footage or any picture of Nixon resigning, all I can think about are those little duck feet in our backyard. Their feet left behind. I don't know why I'm laughing. So I was tearing up.

Are you laughing? Those butchers. You're not laughing. Those butchers. That's just horrible. Those butchers. That's the worst story. That's the worst story I've ever heard.

Well, it's a campfire. Isn't it a campfire? Listen. Yeah. Those little things weren't going to make it anyway. Come on. We didn't take care of stuff. Yeah, they might have.

One of my brothers didn't make it. Oh. Ben. No one looked after Ben. Ben O'Brien. Yeah. Ben was the one after Justin and no one gave a shit. Was there a Josh?

What? There was a Josh. Okay. We think. All right. He's alive but he wandered away. He was in the grandfather. My parents did not have their eye on the ball.

Let's just say. Really? Well, with six kids it'd be tough. Especially the kids that they had. Yeah. We were, uh, feral. Where do you, in the six children, I know where you lie, Crenard. Oh, wait.

What? Like, I mean, a high maintenance wise, you've got to be the highest, or are you? Nope. No? Oh, for God's sake. No. Really? I'll tell you this.

It's a true story. That's not a story. It's just a description. I was a very sweet little boy. No. I was a sweet little boy. Yeah. And, um, very sweet to my mom.

A real mama's boy, if you will. Yeah, that's nice. Very sweet. Very nice. She said I was a mush. Like, the others were kind of squirble, you know, fidgety and squirrel. And she said, she always said I was a mush. I was the only one with sort of bright orange hair.

I had this very strange name. I stuck out. And then, um, was it stuck out? You can't say stuck out. You struck, you, you, you stuck out. I just wanted to hear you try and fix it. Yeah, you nailed it. I was going to say you struck out.

You nailed it. But that's baseball. But anyhoo, I was very sweet. And then I became a monster at some point. I don't know what happened. What did happen? I became kind of evil. When did all this happen?

Yeah. Was there like a transformation? Was it a? It's my origin story and you're going to, I'm not going to give this away on some chill chums. Oh. What are you going to save it for? My book. Oh, yeah.

Oh, come on. You know. I'm a real stinker by Conan O'Brien. You're not, you're not lettered. You can't, you can't read or write. I can get someone. On your first day at late night, were you already abusive to everybody who worked for you? That's a terrible thing to say.

Did you punch people for fun? And did you? Have you ever punched someone? Yeah. It's fun. It's really fun. And when they can't do anything because they have to tell the line, it's hilarious. You're a sociopath.

Yeah, you are. Oh, please. But like, you know, when did you start like belittling the people who worked for you? Oh, and I'll remind you you're under oath. Okay. You've had so much to drink, you think I took a note. Sips. So, I think I'm a very good boss.

I really do. You know what? After all the favors you've done for me and all the nice things you've done for me and stuff. Yeah, you are. Well, I haven't seen any of this stuff. I think I'm back to even with you, Sona. What do you mean?

I think I've committed great crimes, but I also think I've done a lot of nice things to you. And I think we're right now. We're not even. What do you mean? No, as in I, I'm like, I... Oh, you're in my debt. I'm in your debt.

Yeah, it's that much. Oh, it's that. And I'm in Gourley's debt. Oh. Gourley. No, I mean, because I haven't known you that long. Yeah. But, you know, and he does a great job with the podcast.

He does. And who am I to belittle this man who's built a wonderful matchstick home out here and, you know, it's beautiful. Well, I'm saying it's like a nice arts and crafts. Yeah. Yeah, I've never heard that before. I just made it up. It's insulting.

It does sound insulting. I just think it would go up very quickly. I thought it was insulting when no one did anything or said anything, but I was like, wait, how do I cash in this debt? You just have to stick it out for like 25 years. I can't do that. Yes, you can. I cannot do that.

And then it's going to, it's going to get really ugly piece. Oh, no. I'm going to do some really nice stuff for you 25 years from now. Like what? Oh, I'm going to get you a sweet ride. Oh, I want a car. No, you can't get a car. I'm getting you a sweet ride.

I'm, I am capable of Elvis like, you know, demonstrations of gratitude. Like you're going to get me a nickel plated 45 caliber like he gave to. No, I'm not into guns. I'm not going to do that. But I would, I'd get you a sweet, someday I'm going to toss you the keys of a sweet ride. What the hell? It won't be my car.

I'm just going to give you the keys and you're going to drive it like an ice cream truck and you're going to get arrested. Excuse me. Hold on. I want a car. No. I want a remote and you ruined my car. And then you handed me the keys to a really shitty car that was like 20 years old that

people had clearly been murdered in. And now you're going to buy a gorilla car? I did that because if I had done it. I'm sorry. I think Oprah blew it because Oprah used to get her, you know, people in her audience and people in her staff, these wonderful gifts. Yeah. I made a remote.

We shot this with cameras. You can see it online where I totally destroyed your car and debased it. And made fun of you and then said, don't worry, I'll get you a new car and got you an absolute vile piece of crap. And people think it's really funny. Now, if I had bought you a nice BMW, yawn, no one would be talking about that remote. Have you guys seen the BMW yawn though? It is really nice.

You know what else? You, like you, you tore my car apart and then I was like, they'll fix it afterwards. And then Jason, who's here, Chalemi came and he's like trying to fix it and you actually broke my car. Yeah. Many places that could not be fixed. And so you made it worse than it was before we shot that. Carefully disassembling a car that's precious to someone isn't funny.

Smashing it. Look at you. You're laughing and it happened to you. And it was, come on. That car was awful. It was a terrible car. Like a month later, it just stopped moving on the highway. Because this is interesting.

What year did this remote happen? Like six years ago. Yeah. Because I want to say that it's funny that I watched that as a fan. And I've, Sona's great. Conan's great. I never thought I'd be here loving you, Sona. Ah.

I mean. I'm here to help you. We can help you. This is like birthing a baby. It's just hard to comprehend. No, it's tough. Like when you idolize someone and then they're there, it's hard to put it into words. How?

I mean, just don't meet your heroes. It's never been more, you know. And here you are in my own home and how do I get you out? And I'm wired in for sound. No, I think we had a good time. And I think, I love not, I love not summing it up. I love not summing it up. I think we had a good time.

No, no. We had a good time. And girly, I do think, I'll say this, you give as good as you get, buddy. Oh, well, I have to. I wasn't that way till, till I met you. That's not true. You've always had this ability. No.

Tell me, tell me you're not, you're not a wisecrack and you know, you've always been able to, I wisecrack with not at, I had to learn to at, you know what I mean? That's good. I had to defend myself. I think I am like your little brother that had to learn to put his dukes up. He never did. I would just, to this day, I wail on him and he just keeps his hands by his side. Geez.

He's a pacifist. He was, he made a huge mistake, he declared himself a pacifist when he was five. And I said, that's real funny. And then I hit him with a trash can. You're awful. Yeah. Worst guy ever. Sorry, Justin.

You had it coming. Justin's the nicest, too. Well, we'll see. It's probably going to start. That sounds like Ben. Ben's cool. Ben, you know, I used to do that. I used to tell Justin, if you don't straighten up, you're going to end up like Ben.

And he'd be like, who's Ben? And I'd say, I would look wistfully in the backyard towards a pile of leaves. Towards a pile of chicken feet. And I would just say, you know, he didn't buy it because my other brothers and sisters tried to go along with it, but they didn't pick up on the name that I was using. They'd be like, that's right. You don't want to end up like Nick. And I'm like, fuck.

It's got to be Ben. It's got to be Ben. Yeah. It had to be Ben. Yeah. You have to have a consistency there. Well, I got to pee. All right.

Yeah. Why don't you go urinate? We had a good time. So now we're going to cut you off soon. You should. I just want to thank everyone for checking out this very special episode of Chill Chums in the backyard. Gurley's wonderful home here in Pasadena.

Yep. We're in the wild. We may never be heard from again. Oh, we might not. Yeah. We're going to pitch a tent and camp here tonight, right, Chums? No. I pitched a tent 10 minutes ago.

Oh, come on. Wait, that's right. There's no microphone there. No, Enos. Exactly. And what I meant by that, and I don't want anyone to get offended as I really did pitch a tent. Oh.

Did you? Oh, I thought you got aroused after you told your duck story. No. That's what I meant. Wait. I really did pitch a tent. Is somebody getting a honk chop or not? See, I can flip back and forth now.

Wait, did you? Did you say that you pitched a tent? Oh, yeah, I pitched a tent. Oh, that's not offensive. No, but I pitched a tent. Oh, my God. I'm really offended. No, no, no, no.

I meant I pitched a tent. Oh, that's fine. Okay. Yeah, and then I pitched a tent. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're under arrest. Yeah.

You just don't know. You got to hear. Go have yourself. It's a little pee-pee time for Gorley. I'll just sit here by myself. Gorley's little pee-pee time. Come with me. That's a little spin-off podcast.

Summer S'mores with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Organizing producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm.

Engineered by Will Bekton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.