Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums Season 2 Episode 4

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

Conan and the Chill Chums tell jokes around the fire and fiercely debate which of them is the coolest on another Summer S’mores special.

Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums, a six-part series with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Let's get started. Here we are, it's episode, anybody's guess for Summer S'mores with Cone Bone and the Chill Tones. What? It's just coming in over the wire right now. We just won worst opening ever.

This is Conan O'Brien, Summer S'mores with Conan O'Brien and the Chill Chums. Yeah, pretty good. Do you remember how this came to be? This came to be because on the podcast, we started talking about s'mores, and I said something that I've always believed, this is not a joke, I think they're terrible. I just think that it's a flawed concept, and I do believe people like s'mores because they think they're supposed to, that's kind of enforced recreation and forced joy, but people don't really like, hey, here's a graham cracker, here's a not very well-melted marshmallow,

and a piece of inferior chocolate, let's jam them all together, and chomp it. There's often nothing to drink with s'mores. People are, I always see kids stuffing this roof tile down their mouth, no, they do it because they've been instructed by the man that this is what they're supposed to do, but they don't really like it. That's wrong. You're wrong. Not to invoke the essence of our podcast, but chill, because this next episode, we're

going to get to the bottom of this. Because we've got my sister-in-law, Sarah, and my wife, Amanda, preparing us s'mores to try and see what we finally think about this. Yes. Yeah, this is good. I am so excited. That's pretty exciting. Roof twelfth.

Roof shingles. They're dry. It's dry. It's not as satisfying. I'm with you. I am with you. I lean more in Cone's direction. I think that they are the most delightful snack that you can have, especially in this.

No. You don't think that. Excuse me, sir. I'm speaking. Sir. I think that they are the most delightful snack that you can have in this environment. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm listening.

Yeah. Point of order. Okay. I think that you can melt the marshmallow as much as you want to melt it. It gives you full control over your s'more. How many desserts can you say that about? And I just think that you're... I just...

I don't think you've ever had the right kind of s'more before. You're focusing on... What is this? I don't know. Yeah. What happened? What happened? Entered it.

Sooner's wrong. Sooner's... Oh, so wrong. Oh, sooner's wrong. Hearing Sooner talk when she doesn't know the score makes me sad forever more, forever more, forever more, no s'more. Listen, Sooner, I was trying to undermine what you were saying by playing that beautiful tune that then turned into a total condemnation of you.

That was an awful song. Best song ever. Just over the wire. Such a bad song. Awful. To sum up... Terrible song. You're wrong.

We'll figure that out, I guess, in the next episode? That's right. That's the next episode. I just don't understand... We've got some special coming. I don't understand what you have. Like, everyone loves s'mores. We're going to find out.

Why don't we do this? Why don't we examine? Because you're reminding me that's in the next episode. Not in this episode. This is the episode. We tease the s'mores and then we don't even eat them right now? Well, you're the two assholes that brought it up. I don't...

I was never... I have to say, I've always, whenever I hear... That is our theme song by the brilliant Jack White. Whenever I hear that tune or whenever I sing that song, I have to say, if I was here, hear the yell, back to school with Norman Fell, it's stupid. I admit that. Norman Fell? Do you know who Norman Fell is?

No idea who that is. Did you ever watch Three's Company? I did. Remember Mr. Roper? Yeah. Norman Fell. Because he's a human being who did a brilliant work. I, Kenoma's Mr. Roper.

No. You can't. Great argument, man. He's also in Ocean's Eleven. You should know people's work. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I just don't understand why I need to know the names of the actors who played these

roles on 70s television shows. Because TSA might quiz you. Also, yeah, the TSA could... You could get yanked off a plane at any moment and they will ask you basic questions about American pop culture and you need to know them. Second of all, how do you like it that on the internet you're mostly known as Crazy Conan Lady? Is that right?

Yes. She's just Crazy Conan Lady on the internet. They don't even know your name. Wouldn't you prefer if they knew that you're played by Sonam Obsession? I think that he... I've been with her so many times. She's like, people come up to me on the street and I'm often with Sonam because I'm showing her the errands that I want her to do.

I'll be saying like this is where they do the dry cleaning and stuff and if you could pick it up and she's like, fuck you, I don't do that for you, go fuck yourself. And then we get into a slap fight. But people are always coming up to me going, oh my god, it's Conan O'Brien, I'm sorry, it's just my life and it's embarrassing to admit. You bring it up a lot. I'm sorry. But oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Shaz, which is the sound of them having diarrhea.

Excuse me? Seriously. Excuse me, did you know this? Shaz? Can I say something? And this is a true... This is a real thing. When we were at Warner Brothers, there was a tour, remember the tour bus that went around

at Warner Brothers? The tram? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they'd get to see like, oh my god, there's this star, there's that star. And I don't like to brag and I can't believe I'm bringing this up. You do like to brag. I don't, I don't. I really...

Of course, I don't. It makes me uncomfortable. Okay. So I said, this is embarrassing, but anyway, we went to get clean, I went to the island that I own. And he actually said that he said, I don't know how to say this, it's rather embarrassing, but I retreated to my islands. Oh my god.

And I'm like, what? Anyway, the tour, you know, they drive it around the Warner Brothers lot and whenever they would pass me, they had to actually put in special grading in the seats underneath. People got so excited when they saw me. Wow. That everyone would get diarrhea. So they put a grate at the bottom of the tram at Warner Brothers to catch the diarrhea in a giant tank.

What makes you think that's the excited dissent? Oh, it was that. They were very excited. No. And the sound was shaz. No. It was shaz. And it got to the point where sometimes it was so loud that if actor Chaz Paulementary

was nearby, he used to come by and say, am I wanted or was it a Conan sight? And we would go, we're sorry, Mr. Paulementary. The trams and he'd be like, I know the tram saw Conan and he was always very good-natured about it. But whenever the tram, the tram would go by, oh look, there's Jennifer Aniston. They'd be like, oh, wow, I can't believe it. One of the friends would go by another, you know, oh, look, there's Christian Bale. He's shooting the new Batman.

Yeah. Okay. Whatever. And then they would see Conan shaz. And then Chaz Paulementary goes running through the Warner Brothers gate and he'd go like me or Conan diarrhea and they would go, it's Conan diarrhea. Would Chaz ever shaz? Once.

And then one time, Chaz Paulementary, I was having dinner with him and he said, let me get it this time. And he one time picked up the bill, but he didn't look at it first. He forgot that we weren't, you know, he likes, we both of us used to usually eat at the Olive Garden. We were like, we were at Craigs, which is more expensive. And the bill came and it was, it was not what he expected. And I heard, Chaz, yeah, it was one guy.

It wasn't a whole tramful of people having diarrhea when they see Conan is shaz. My God, Chaz Paulementary having quick staccato like diarrhea when he sees $800 for two club sandwiches. Chaz. Anyway. Yeah. I know who Chaz Paulementary is. Okay.

You do. That was a little flight of fancy, but that's good. That's what happens. People see me. They get really excited. Chaz. Then they see you and go, oh my God, and you're crazy Conan lady. Yeah.

You get that a lot, right? Oh, you're that Conan person? It's just that like, okay. So a lot of the shows that you guys watch, I feel like are reruns probably, like you actually pay attention to the credits when they're rolling. I always did. Did you do that? Yes.

No wonder. Who did? Yes. You know, I put that into a Simpsons episode. I know you did. Oh, I didn't know that. Wow. You didn't know that I did?

I didn't know that I did that. I didn't know that I knew that I did that. Who did you know? I'm kidding. No, no. I used to watch the credits because I was, and I knew a lot of names. I didn't know who did what exactly, but certain things, and Closed by Botany 500, I just like, what's Botany 500?

What could that mean? I think it was the Dick Van Dyke show. Didn't they have Closed? No, in many game shows there were so many. It's a wardrobe stylist company, but it doesn't make sense because Botany's a science and 500's a number. Why is that clothing you? Oh, you're right.

All other clothing names make sense, except that one. Yeah. What are you talking about? Hey, listen buddy. No Closed makes sense. Closed makes sense. No, but also very few things, like why is ESO a gas station? Closed makes sense.

But Botany 500 is so specifically other things. Okay. I can't with you guys though. You know what, this is, if you're in the dorm, you know what, can I say something? If you stay in the dorm room too late, and they start talking about what's at the end of the universe, but what's after that, this is that dorm room conversation. Yeah, it is. All things have names.

All things have names. You're also holding a guitar. You are. Yeah. No. Play it. Play us out. Botany 500.

Play us out. She's got it started. This is Chazz. This is Chazz. This is Chazz. Chazz commentary is listening right now. He's like, why? What did I do?

I often think about the person who's, I don't know, Conan mentioned you last night. Oh, really? What was it about? Well, it's all about how when it tramps with people, see Conan, they're so excited. They have diarrhea. It makes the sound Chazz, and you think it's your name. How do you explain that? You are second to that.

Yeah, you're second to that. And if you're Chazz commentary's publicist, how do you explain that to him? Ooh. That's a tough one. I guess he's just got to play in the opposite. I always love to think that he can put it together instantly. So he talks about, oh, so then it's the diarrhea noise, and that's my name gutted. Well, he was there.

He was there. He just knows. So, Conan, would you like to make a reference of some actor or something? Yeah, why don't you reference some stuff that's more your speed? You know, like an episode of Jesse and who was on it? What's Jesse? What's Jesse? Wasn't that that Disney show?

Hey, Jesse, hey, Jesse. You think I watch the Disney Channel? I do, all the time. What is happening? First of all, that show's like 10 years old. I used to watch those shows because my kids watched them. Yeah. And then I would get excited when I saw the star of Jesse.

What is Jesse? Jesse is a girl who goes to... Not to be confused with Jesse's girl. You needed to come up with a new reference. Hold on. I came up with the Disney Channel show from 10 years ago. My kids used to watch this show, Jesse. And Jesse, hear me out, was about this young woman who comes, I think, to New York to be

a star, but she mistakenly ends up mixed up with these kids whose parents travel the world all the time and can't spend time with them. So, they hire Jesse to pretty much look after the family in this really rich penthouse. It's this, you know, multi-ethnic child family and Jesse's hanging out with them and there's a butler who's like, oh, Jesse. And she's the kooky person who's in charge of them. And the theme song was, hey, Jesse, hey, Jesse, I was once somewhere and I saw Jesse and I freaked out because I had watched with my kids hours of Jesse.

And I think I blew it with Jesse. I think she was creeped out that is 72-year-old man. You're like, well, give us a new reference. How about Jesse from 10 years ago? I know plenty of new references. I know, hey, today I was listening to Belle Biv DeVoe and they fucking killed it. That's right. They ripped it up.

I hear you. I hear you. I'm not cool. No, I am. I am actually. I'm very cool. You are. Of the three of us, you were the cool.

Yeah. We know that. I mean, you don't have to agree, but it's true. Absolutely. Because you shot lifted. No. It is not even a question. It is true.

Everybody knows. You don't even need to say it. Just temper it a little. Absolutely. Maybe bring it back a little. You know what? It's really easy to be that position of the coolest out of the three of us. You guys make it so easy.

First of all, I'm never the cool one, so I don't even try. And I think in a weird way. That's what makes me the coolest. And you know what? I'm neither or. And in a weird way, that's what keeps me either or. I'm just right there in the middle, man. You're always, you know what?

The first time I met you, I was thinking, this guy's always in the middle. Yeah. And he'll always be either or, neither nor. And man, you kill it. I'm a real Joseph Lieberman voting kind of guy. No one calls him Joseph. Hey, we asked you about Pasadena. We're out here in Pasadena.

Remember who that was? I want you, I want the listeners to know that we were out here in the night. In the nighttime, in the backyard. Risking our lives. Matt Gorley's risking our lives. Yes, it took me an hour and 40 minutes to get here. I'm on my A game. And I was in a hovercraft.

Those things move. That's how fast. I believe that the president may have been in town today because I passed a crazy number of motorcycle cops. Yeah, I think that's true. Thank you for doing your research. Cool. Check it. It'd be great if I did a news, if there was a news show and your job was to sit there drinking and go,

I think that's true. They say that in the election, Chili's new president will be Edward. I think that's right. I'm not joking. When you said Chili's, I thought you meant the restaurant. That's, that's great. I'm not even. You are just trashed.

I'm not trashed. You are trashed. You're a little trashed. I'm not trashed. I'm not. Excuse me. You're feeling no pain. How about that?

Or like another glass. If you were still breastfeeding right now and you fed your kids, they'd both turn into Dean Martin. Immediately. Both your little, both your little one year old twins would have little fedora. Yeah. They'd go, they'd go to breastfeed. I'd look away for a second. I'd look back and they'd have little fedoras.

Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Full body. Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Yeah. Oh, good. How's it going? I love that. I think I'm going to take another soak on this nipple.

I think I will too. You know, this puts me in mind of a tune. I thought you were going to play something. No, no. No. Dean wouldn't play the guitar. Where were we? Where were we?

How can I rely on you? You're supposed to be the anchored burly and you're kind of messed up too. Well, I'm not messed up. I'm drunk. Okay. That's fair. I want to say that. We got your back.

It is nice. Yeah. I was skeptical about this idea. First of all, because I didn't want to have to get my passport. Oh, Jesus. No, I'm sorry. It's just a long way to go. It's Pasadena.

Yeah, you look up. But anyway, I figured out it's two hours ahead, so I know when to call my wife. And so I get here and immediately I'm in a good mood. The minute I hit your house, your house is beautiful and gorgeous and beautiful wife, your beautiful daughter. It's just lovely. And then we have this solo stove right in the middle of our campfire. Yeah.

Now, solo stove does not like me bringing them up. They get embarrassed. Even though they paid to be a sponsor for this. Please. I don't think they did. I didn't even know that. All I'm saying is I looked at this beautiful device, which creates the perfect campfire. Really perfect.

And there's no smoke and very little work because ingeniously they have little air ducts. It's just gorgeous. It's so beautifully. It's so, it's so well designed that even you can't screw it up, Gourley. Yeah, that's true. So our thanks to the good people at solo for providing us with this stove. Yeah. Madges did right before we started recording, he put a thing in there and the color of the

fire changed. You know what? There's never been a less cleared definition of anything by anybody. You know, you'd be great. That's true. I did that and I don't know what you said. It would be great. It would be great if Sonia was present at great events in history and had to explain what

happened for its theater, April 14th, 1865. Bang. What happened? Sonia's here. What is it, Sonia? Oh, there was noise, actor go, fall, run, hat, hat man down, Tyrannosaurus Rex. I don't know. What Sonia was trying to say is that I think there's some kind of powder or something that

you put in the fire that made a color. So, solo stove makes color packs and they're these things that you just throw in and then it changes the fire into different colors. Now, I'm kind of color blind, so I'd take it on faith that these things are cool. It's set at the bottom of the pack, wasted on gorely. That's a lot of product. Manufacturers know, wasted on gorely. Are you really color blind?

I'm red, green color blind. Yeah, I can't see red and green when they're in different parents. How has that, do you think, changed you, altered your life? Christmas is a real bitch. Because you have a gray tree and Santa's just a what? Does Santa just look like a gray blob to you? Yeah, Santa just looks like, I don't know, like some post-apocalyptic wanderer. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't see red and green. I just can't see them in detailed patterns. They turn kind of brown and green and stuff. Right, right. But don't, you know. You didn't bring that up during the interview. No, I didn't.

Because, you know, colors aren't really pivotal to podcasts. Well, they will be. What? They will be. Technology's changing. Hey, do you guys think we should tell some ghost stories here by the fire? I think we should. I think we should.

Do you want any scary stories? I don't, but I get scared very easily. Okay, here we go. All right. Okay, here we go. Once upon a time, there was someone who had a really good idea for an audio format show. Okay. And he's so talented and said so much ability, but then he made a tragic mistake.

He went to work for Conan O'Brien. He invited along to encompass who ruined his chances at monetizing. I don't really think, I never, I don't remember jokes and I don't remember scary stories. Yeah, me either. My scary stories are all about someone making a bad investment. Mine are about rabbits getting killed in my backyard. I don't know. Are we talking about jokes or scary stories?

Well, they're the same kind of. I remember like one joke that I say all the time. What is it? Beethoven's favorite fruit. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm sure I've said this to you before. It's her only joke. I've heard it many times.

It's my only joke. Okay, hold on. Watermelon. Banana night. You're a clown. Oh, I knew it. No, no, he wasn't close. What he said was made no sense at all.

It's like if you asked a dog to explain the theory of relativity and it barked and you went close. It's E equals MC squared. Oh. Dog. I don't know. Hey, every time I play the guitar, it's going to make your editing much more difficult, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. What is Wilson Phillips' favorite fruit? You didn't have. Mama for one more day. No. I can't do the same idea. What?

I think Mike. And you also have to think about it because you have to think about what fruit fit in there and it's just, I don't know, I'm upset about it. So guava for one more day. Now, I have a question. You edit these things. Will you edit that out? Are you kidding?

What will you do to protect yourself? I will move that to the front. Put an echo on it. That's the opening. Look, it's so nice, you're navigating your cup to your mouth like you're landing a plane. It's like on the weather. It's like one of the Apollo's where they have to dock it and they have to line it up exactly right.

Oh, my God, look at that. I didn't realize drinking would be part of this. You didn't? I didn't. I would not have been okay with that because I knew this would happen. You need another one? No, I do not. I like to drink slowly and then I think after one, I quit.

Hi, if you're listening and you're an impressionable teen, do as Conan does, not as gorely says. And remember, solo stove is the way to keep those home fires burning. Yeah, and you could put color packets. Are we done? What's that? Are we done? Oh, there's a guitar holder over there. Oh, there it is.

Oh, I didn't see it. I didn't know. I thought they had moved it out of the way. Those are some great ghost stories, though. You know what? Ghost stories. Because none of us really believe in ghosts, right? Well, I just don't find ghosts.

I don't find ghosts scary. I love true crime and you're the same way, so I love a true crime story and I find that to be very eerie or an unsolved murder. That kind of stuff freaks me out. Actually, I remember when Blair Witch Project came out, when something is unsaid or unstated or some of those movies like Witch, remember the Witch or Midsommar, Hereditary, I find movies where something's just off, but it's not that explicit. I agree.

That terrifies me and some of those movies, like in the movie The Witch, they can just show some trees in the distance and they're undulating in the breeze, but because of the tone they've set in the music, I find that scary. Freddy's dressed up in a leather mask with a chainsaw, doesn't do anything for me. That does beg the question though. Of the big three, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger, which are we? So Freddy's real mouthy, it's got to be you. That's you.

I guess so. I never liked those because I never understood what the rules were. I like to know what the rules are. I think you would like the idea of haunting people in their dreams. I do haunt people in their dreams. You haunt me in my dreams. Yeah, no, I'm saying. I think many people, most of my career was spent literally doing a show that people fell

asleep to from 12 feet or 130, I think I'm in people's deep, deep, deep unconscious and I'm wreaking havoc. Yeah. I think you're Jason because he's got a sweet side to him. That's nice. Kind of innocence. Okay. And I think I'm Michael because I'm mysterious and kind of enigmatic and charming.

And unkillable. Yeah. All of us are unkillable. I can't watch horror stories. Really? I mean horror movies. It keeps me up. But I don't find those scary.

You don't at all. No, I see them. When you were a kid, you were. The first Halloween? I think I was, I don't think I was, I don't think I saw it. I didn't see the first Halloween when it came out. It's so scary. I was still in the convent.

When I, when final destination came out, my friend's mom had to follow me home because I thought death was after me. But you having someone follow you wasn't scary? No. I asked, you asked your friend who was wearing a cloak to follow you home. Your friend who wore a cloak because it was chilly and he got cold easily and he had just bought a scythe, the scythe store. Hey, can you be a favor, I'm really sorry, can you follow me home?

And he was like, yes I will. Because he had terrible asthma. This is perfect because we're all basically 10 years apart and I bet our horror movies don't work for the other or at least not those that came before us where you're probably exorcist, probably scared you. I think the Omen. The Omen scared me a lot. Halloween for me and you're saying like final destination, which doesn't scare me at all.

Blair Witch was really scary. Yes, I thought Blair Witch was scary. I'm giving a shout out to the newer movies. I think the newer movies, like I said, The Witch, Hereditary, Midsommar, those freak me out. I think those are brilliant. I think they've, I think the horror they're doing now is maybe superior. It's psychological.

They call it elevated horror. Yeah. That's good. It's good for making people accidentally. It got all kinds of, it got sort of useful. We're off film podcast. Let's turn this around. We got to get out of here.

We watch movies and talk about them. Did we reference Norman Fellam this episode or the last episode? I think it was the other episode. Where was Chaz Pumentary in the Diarrhea? That was this one. They're all bleeding together. Oh my God, that's a home run. I'm telling you.

They're all bleeding together. Adam Sacks, you know, we've got to get more servers because the internet's going to melt down. Yeah. When the Chaz Pumentary gets out there. Yeah. We need to get, we need to call up Facebook and get half of their servers. Can we also get, uh, call Olive Garden, get all their servers? Yeah, we'll get their servers too. We're going to get a lot of them. You guys even know what you're saying when you say get their servers? Yeah, servers. Yes. You know what my son hates? My son hates that whenever I try to explain anything in the world of tech, because he knows a lot about tech, I just go, it's an algorithm. And I say it

like, we're done. And he's like, you don't know what you're talking about. And I went, algorithm. Anyway, they supposed to have an algorithm and he's just, he's so long suffering because he, he's so smart about this stuff. We got to get him out of that house. It would be infuriating to have you. Trust me, he's working on it. His tunnel is almost done. Yeah. To have you as a dad. He's poking up through the golf course that's six miles away. Is there a Rita Hayworth poster anywhere in your house? Exactly. It's, our house is Shawshank Redemption. I keep going. He has to put the poster back. Why does he have a Fonz poster? I was going to say, when, when you have, when you're so tech savvy to have you as a dad must

be frustrating. It's really frustrating. I'm terrible. You've been around me, right? I can't do anything. No. I dip my laptop in ink and write with it that way. All right. Actual content. Someone made a joke. Peace out. Mic drop. Summer s'mores. Lisa Berm engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Stitcher.