Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Susie Essman

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

Comedian and actress Susie Essman feels tickled pink about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Susie sits down with Conan to discuss the core differences between her and her character on Curb Your Enthusiasm, breaking ground as a female comic in the 80s, and the cultural commonality between the Irish and the Jews. Plus, Conan recounts traveling to the Vatican to meet the Pope himself. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Suzy Essman and I feel tickled pink about being Conan O'Brien's friend. All right, I'm not buying that for a second. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and I'm hanging here with Sonam Ofsesian. Hey, Sonam.

Hi, Conan. And Mr. Matt Gorley. Hi, Conan. No, I don't know why, Sonam. Hi, Conan. And Mr. Matt Gourley. Hi, Conan. No, I don't know why I did that. Hello, Mr. President. And I'm just happy to see you guys. I have something I wanna bring up to you, actually. That sounds-

Something this weekend that I realized. Okay. Did you hear he just said he was happy to- I know, I know. And I wanna, because there's always, it never lasts. I really was. I haven't seen you guys in like, I don't know, 10 days or something.

And I was happy to see you. So there you go. So anyway, let's hear your thing. What is it? What's up? No, now you just threw me off. No, no, no. What is it?

Let's hear it. I hate this. Okay. All right. Well, okay. So my kids go to an Armenian school. I don't know if you knew this, I'm Armenian. And then we, they learn. Well, okay. So my kids go to an Armenian school. I don't know if you knew this, I'm Armenian.

And then we, they learn about notable Armenians. And one of the most notable Armenian composers is Aram Khachaturian, who he's like, he's like, well known. Everyone has like heard of something he's composed. Like what kind of stuff does he compose? Well, I will tell you, I will tell you. I'm sorry. I'm coming in hot because I just realized something this weekend that upset me. I'm sorry, I'm coming in hot. Because I just realized something this weekend

that upset me. You took his most famous composition, the saber dance, and you made it the theme for the masturbating bear. And I... And I... And I... When I figured that out... Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You asshole! That was our guy, and you made him

the masturbating bear thing. Well, because that's what I used to hum when I masturbated as a teenager. Oh. Out of respect for the Armenian culture. Come on. I just loved him. I think he's one of the great Armenian composers.

But you gotta admit, it works really well with a bear masturbating. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. I know. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. It's. Wa na weenie. It's just, I think there's a generation with a bear masturbating. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun It's introducing them to a great Armenian artist, and then they can go and appreciate the music in its own right. By singing, -♪ Beardges, beardges. -♪ BOTH LAUGHING

It's also, it starts right as he grabs his junk and starts jerking it. Yeah, that's when you would, I mean, in comedy, that's when you would hit the music cue. But it's not even like, hey, here's the intro for the masturbate. It's like, that's the theme song for him jerking it. Is this...

Is this work by this Armenian composer. Well, first of all, we didn't say what Armenian song would work well with a bear masturbating. It just happened to me that that was the best song. And I think that speaks to this man's creativity. Also, saber could be a euphemism, and maybe he wrote it for masturbation. No, it's a saber dance.

The people dance with sabers in it. Yeah, okay. That's a euphemism like, I danced with my saber last night. Is that dick dance? No, it's masturbation. No, but I remember... He's in there dancing with his saber.

I once said to Matt, you know how did it go last night, he said, oh, wife's out of town, I did the old saber dance last night. That's right. And I remember, remember who said of town, I did the old saber dance last night. That's right. And I remember, remember when he said that? Yeah, so bad I couldn't sit down. Yeah.

It's the grown man in a bear costume jerking it to like- No, no, he was real, he was a real bear. Oh. But anyway, I don't know why you're upset about this, honestly, I don't know why you're upset about it because- What? Because so many young kids know that song or some over the years because of the Masturbating Bear

which was a very popular character. And I mean, Eduardo, you would never have heard of the Sabre Dance unless you had seen Masturbating Bear. I would have been honored if you did like Mariachi Loco to it. Yes. So I don't know why you're upset. That's not true, no you wouldn't. Yes he would.

We have so very little. And I think that you took one of the things we have. What are you talking about? You have Cher. You have the Kardashians. You have Dr. Kevorkian. Lando Calrissian. Lando Calrissian.

No, you have all kinds of dried fruits and apricots. Oh, my god. No, seriously, you have a beautiful culture. Don't say we have so little. You have so much. No, I think that you could have used it for any other bit. And then you used it for the masturbating bear. And now people, like when we were listening to it,

playing for the boys in the car, Doug was like, isn't this the song for the masturbating bear? And I was like, no way. And then I Googled it and it was. What do you mean no way? You work for me. This was one of my biggest cultural achievements and you didn't know that this was the music

that went with the masturbating bear? I have a bigger question. When was this written? Is this guy getting royalties from the masturbating bear or is it like a public domain? Oh, this is a long time ago. How long ago? You don't know anything about him?

Oh, I don't know. He was during the Soviet era, I know. So I think he was like in the late 60s. Wait a minute, he was under Stalin's thumb when he wrote this? He was under the Iron Jack boot? What difference does that make, though? Well, I'm just saying, you know,

now I have different implications with that song. Can you change it? No, it's been done. It's happened, it's over. And can I say something? His estate, I'm sure he's not around, I'm sure Stalin took... No, he's passed. And can I say something? His estate, I'm sure he's not around, I'm sure Stalin took- No, he's passed. Yeah, Stalin took care of him.

But- Oh, Jesus. But I want to assure you that his estate has made a lot of money off of that, that they can use towards all kinds of cool projects to further Armenian culture. So you have no right to be angry with me, none whatsoever. And as the judge here, I find you,

not only do I throw this case out, but I find you for bringing it. Who made you the judge? I think you owe my entire community an apology. Isn't it Conan O'Brien needs a... Okay, you should just apologize. No, how much am I? I went to Armenia with you.

No, I went to Armenia with you. I've done everything I can to uplift and uphold. I married you. No, that's not true. No, no, I christened your children in the Armenian church. I was okay. I learned lines in Armenian. I have performed an Armenian wedding.

Didn't I do that? Yes, no, well, yeah, you married my friend, Christine at Piss, and her husband. Don't call her Piss. A Christmas. Yeah, okay, so you're thinking I'm disrespecting people. You're good Armenian friend is named Piss? Yeah, but you took one of our most famous composers,

took his music and put it for the masturbating pair. And I just think that- Because I knew that that would spread joy every, yes. I was gonna say, just think of all the joy that that song has given people. Also, I will say we've had many musicians on this podcast, not to go against you, Sona, I'm sorry, but, and they've always said they create a song

and it goes out into the world and then people bring their own meanings to that song. In this example, that meaning is a bear masturbating, but I'm just saying, you know, it's people bring their own meanings to that song. In this example, that meaning is a bear masturbating, but I'm just saying, you know, it's people bring their own meanings to the song. The song doesn't belong to them. He's turning in his grave. He's turning in his grave from what you've done.

Grave, Stalin didn't. When he shot people in the basement, they just went away. There's no grave. I'm sorry. I, you know. I'm fine with using the music. This is going too far.

Okay. Well, anyway, Sona, I'll apologize off-mic. Or will I? You'll never know. Apologize. You'll never know, listener. Apology accepted. We gotta get into today's show.

My guest today played Susie Green for 12 seasons in the hit HBO series, Curb Your Enthusiasm. And I'm very excited that she's here today because she's absolutely lovely and hilarious. Susie Essman, welcome. Are we friends really? Well, I'd like to think we are. Or are we just showbiz friends? We're showbiz friends. If you ever try to speak to me outside of a showbiz setting, I'd like to think we are. Or are we just showbiz friends? We're showbiz friends.

Okay. If you ever try to speak to me outside of a showbiz setting, you'll get... Here we go. I need clearance. You'll get... It's funny, the reach of the crib your enthusiasm is incredible because, I mean, ever since I did that episode, which was I think third from last or something episode of the run of the show, Larry Needs Conan Clearance,

so many people come up and say, I know I don't have clearance, but would you like some french fries with your burger? So that's been going on. Is it tedious at this point? Oh no, I like it. No, okay. You know what I love that you did in that episode?

You allowed yourself to be an asshole. Oh, trust me. All out? Was it a stretch? No, it was not. Wait, well, this is, uh, I'm constantly riffing with different people in the office, or writers, or other comics.

My go-to is this antagonistic guy. And it's so funny because I was raised to be so polite. Yeah. And I do really want people to be happy. I mean, I'm a people pleaser, but one of the things I love about the job is that when there are moments when it's comedically necessary, you can go to town. To who you're talking to.

I know, exactly. No, Susie, I don't think you get it. Let me explain. It's really fun to vent as a comedy. God, Susie doesn't get it. But anyway, when I went into that episode, my thought was, because I've done a lot of improv, was,

oh, I get it. This show is whatever Larry wants, don't give it to him. Right, right. Larry sees me and he's trying to establish a connection and I know my job is not to let him have it. And then he wants to have maybe get together and I will not let it happen. Which is, I would never do that in real life,

but it was so much fun to be an asshole. It's called acting, Conan. No, it's not in my part. I don't think I can act my way out of the paper bag, but it was really fun to do that. It was so much fun. But you know, some people would not allow themselves to be that character because they so much fun. Yeah, but you know, some people would not allow themselves to be that character because

they want to be likable and you know, they don't... It was funny with Ted Danson. Ted didn't know for a very long time that he was the cad. Yeah. You know, because that's not his character. No. I mean, everybody loves Ted Danson and Larry made him the asshole, you know, and he was not aware of it in the beginning, but he was the asshole.

But then he's really good at it. Yeah, he's great at it. I don't know if you agree with this, but you seem to me like somebody who, the question obviously you probably get all the time is, where does Suzy Esmond start and Suzy Green begin because you've been so brilliant at being so vulgar and being so angry at Jeff Garland's character

and Larry David and just furious with everyone and letting it fly. And sometimes when someone's that good at it, I think that's because they don't get to be that way in their everyday life. So this is a release. Yeah, it is. I mean, I don't walk around treating people that way.

And talking about people pleasing, I see when people stop me in the street, because I live in New York, so I'm in the street, and I actually ran into you in New York recently. I was gonna talk about this. Yeah, when they stop me in the street, I see that they're visibly disappointed when I'm gracious. I see their faces just fall.

They're just so disappointed when I'm gracious. I see their faces just fall. They're just so disappointed when I'm gracious and kind. Because they want you to call them a fuckface or something. Yeah, exactly. And I actually don't do that in real life. Surprise, surprise. It's called acting. It's a character. But yeah, it's tremendously releasing.

And I would go home after a screaming scene, which is almost all of them. And I would go home after a screaming scene, which is almost all of them. And I would just, I would sleep really well that night because it was like a primal scream. Yes. It's funny because I know that your parents, your dad, an oncologist, my dad's a microbiologist, your mom taught at Sarah Lawrence,

my mom's a lawyer, very well educated people. And we weren't even show business adjacent. We were a million miles from show business. And it was very important that everybody hide their anger. Do you know what I mean? So we could be, you could use guilt and you could use sarcasm, but there was a lot of attempts to hide anger and displeasure.

And then I found when I got into comedy, that being able to just, if I shared an office with, you know, Bob Odenkirk, and I could just go to town on him. Yeah. It's so much fun. It was fun. And it's this miraculous thing where you're playing so no one gets hurt. No one gets hurt.

And then, you know, I'll scream and yell at Larry and whatever, Jeff, whoever, and then it's cut. And it's like, all right, where do you want to have dinner? You know? It's just completely, nobody gets hurt then it's cut and it's like, all right, where do you want to have dinner? You know? It's just completely, nobody gets hurt. That's the beauty of it. I say that all the time. You scream, you yell, fuck you, and you're an asshole,

and nobody gets hurt. No, I think that's something that's kind of magical. We do this all the time, where I'll go back and forth with Sona, and if I ever thought for a second, if someone later on said Sona's feelings got a little bit hurt, I would not sleep probably for five days. Yeah. Right, right.

But you're so good at it though. That's why it might be who you really are. I think it's who I am. And then this is the facade. This is the facade. But I have to take issue with something you just said, this I'm not an actor. It's bullshit.

Okay. Because you were on, every I'm not an actor. It's bullshit. OK. Because you were on every day you did a TV show. Oh, that's true. And you're delivering monologues, you're doing sketches. What do you think it is? It's not like, you know, you're not Meryl Streep. You know what I'm?

God damn it. Neither is she. Susie, I was certain. Wow, Meryl Streep isn't Meryl Streep. She'll be crushed. I would say to Larry all the time, I think Larry's a great actor. And I think he's just gotten better and better

over the years. And I would tell him that and he was like, oh, I'm not an actor, I don't act. Yes, he is acting. That's not who he is in real life. Right. You know? I guess what I'm saying is, I know that if I had to go out on stage and have

a very emotionally raw moment with somebody and weep and tell them I love them or more. Well, that's masturbatory, that kind of acting. That's not acting. How did you know I cry when I masturbate? When I masturbate, I'm just like, oh God, I love you. I think everybody probably assumed that about you. That's just so...

But that, I mean, that's one kind of acting. Right, no, no, I understand. I think you're right. It's not good to say I'm not this, I'm not that. It's all those years, almost three decades of doing the talk show. I do think the one thing I got very good at was, sometimes, because you're doing a volume business,

you're interviewing someone who you're not, you're talking to three people a night, five nights a week. There's some dullards in there. There's some dullards and there's some people who, maybe you didn't really excited to talk to. I would work on, no, no, everybody's. You'd fake it. Fake it and also convince myself,

I am interested in this 26-year-old actor from the WB show that I've never watched. Who has nothing to say of interest. I'm sorry. It's always a 26-year-old actor from a WB show. I'm thinking of one person. No, so you could say, well, you were a performer, but you were acting. Right.

Acting is pretending. Right. It's what it is. I'm gonna tell you that, I don't think these guys know this, but not long ago I'm in New York City and I sit down and I'm in an outdoor cafe, I think on the Upper West Side.

That was East Side. Oh, East Side. Upper East Side. I'm no longer allowed on the Upper West until the charges are dropped. But no, it's a long story. Zay Bars has banned Tim. I stole an everything bagel. And they don't mind if you steal an onion bagel, but when you steal an everything bagel,

that's like crossing a line. There's a lot of stuff on it. I was sitting there and we ran into each other and this was my visceral response was, God, I love Suzy Essman. She's such a real person. You are a real person. You haven't, some people in the business kind of calcify a real person. You are a real person. You haven't, some people in the business

kind of calcify a little bit. You are so emotionally available. You are so nice. And so we part company and I immediately text Paula Davis, who you were hanging out with beforehand. And I said, we have to get Suzy Essman on the podcast. And of course she texts right back, I love Suzy Essman. But that is the effect I think you have on people.

Oh, thank you. That's nice. You are a very... But it's so funny that you've... What most people know you from, even... You've been successful and you've been in comedy. And you did Carson in 1989. Oh, aye, fae. It was not good, by the way. It didn't go well? No. It didn't go well.

What happened? Tell me about it. Well, you know, I went on, I was on a series on NBC called Baby Boom. It was a takeoff of the movie that had been with Diane Keaton, only Kate Jackson was playing the main character. I was her secretary. So they had me on as like the young NBC ingenue.

And I was a comic and he didn't know I was a comic and I think I was a little bit too blue for him or too I looked in his eye and I grew up on Carson I mean you know I'm older than all of you combined I think maybe not Aaron That's true. That's very true. Aaron Blarenk so young. But David, how old are you, David? 32. 32. Well, he grew up on Carson, Carson Daly.

Yeah, Carson Daly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but this is, you know, like when I was a kid, I used to set the alarm to wake up because we didn't have VHS or DVR or any of that crap. Right. And just, you know, I would set the alarm if it was Jonathan Winters or Rickles or, you know, that was, it was. Sure, yes.

So to be on the show, and yet he was nothing like, I looked at his eyes and it was just ice cold. Yeah. And I had no rapport with him. And David Steinberg was the guest that night next to me who then became my friend because he directed so many Curbs, but he was incredibly kind and gracious to me.

But it was, I was never so scared in my life. I remember going on, there was no moisture in my life, in my life, in my mouth, and it was just really scary and it didn't go well. I've always heard that he was, and got to meet him a couple of times, that he was quite different from what you saw on television. And some people are very good at projecting warmth,

and then they're quite shy, you know, off camera. And then I've talked about this before, because you can go through show business and say, it's almost like there are two types of comedian. There's, you know, Steve Martin, when you meet Steve Martin, I love him, and I've become very friendly with him. But when I first met him, when I was a writer at SNL,

I was expecting the Steve Martin that I idolized when I was in grade school and high school. He's quiet, he's guarded, he's very serious, and, you know, he's like a surgeon who's gonna get ready to do a very big operation. And then you meet Marty Short, and Marty Short will do 45 minutes. Right, right.

So I very quickly realized, oh, I'm the Marty Short type. Yeah. But also, I will say in my defense, I'm... I... And sometimes... What's better than making people laugh? I love it, yeah. And I'll leave, I'll...

Sometimes I'll leave and I'll say to my wife, Liza, I'll say, man, I really killed in there. And she'll say, it was, Liza, I'll say, man, I really killed in there. And she'll say, it was a room full of third graders. You were there to read a book. That's all you had to do was read them a book. MUSIC So does your wife laugh at you?

She does. Thank God, because I think there are times where definitely she's looking at me and I think she knows California is a 50-50 state. She knows she's financially set. We remind her all the time. Yeah, they're always reminding her. But then I'll say something and she'll laugh and I'll think, okay, I think we're good for another day. Is she funny?

Yes, she's very funny and very... She can be very funny on her own, but also very dry. And kind of like, uh-huh, that's great. Yeah, that's really funny. Let's wrap it up. Let's go. I saw Bob Newhart and Jenny, his wife, came to our house once. She's since passed, but she was so funny on her own, but also so great with Bob Newhart.

And then Bob was telling a story and it was getting late. And then she just said, all right, Newhart, let's wrap it up. And I thought, wow, she's like Liza. I love this. This is what we need. We need partners who... Who know how to control you.

Control us. Boundaries. Shut it down. What about your? Jimmy? Yeah, Jimmy. Jimmy has a great sense of humor and can make me laugh. But he's not funny.

He's funny in a different way, like what you were saying. Right. And, you know, I mean, I never understand these two comic couples. Oh, god, no. Oh, please. I never dated a comic. To me, that would be a nightmare.

Right. I've seen them. They exist. They're out there? They are out there. They're out there. Does it work? Have you seen a comedy couple where it works?

I stay away from them because they scare me. Yeah. I'm not that close with them. Because they're like, a-shah-mah-dee-dah-mah-dee-doo. And then the other one's like, oh yeah, well, I did da-da-da-da-doo. But people will say to my husband all the time,

is she funny at home? Or they'll ask, does she scream and yell at you? It was, what kind of stupid question is that? Like I walk around acting like Susie Green and dressed like her and screaming at him and kicking him the fuck out of the house. What kind of marriage would that be? It's fiction.

You know what I love? I love you yelling at Larry, but I think because I came up with Jeff Garland and we shared an apartment back in Chicago in the day... That whole concept is just... We've known each other forever. So I took particular joy when you would go after Jeff. -"You fat fuck!" You... And I would just be...

I would be crying laughing. But, you know, Larry kind of saved me. As the seasons went on, he would save me more and more for him. Right. Less and less for Jeff. He would, like, you know, relish that. The man loves to be yelled and screamed at. I mean, loves it.

He, like, lives for it. Well, also, he knows there's this great secret. I mean, who did it better than, we're going way back there, but I talk about this sometimes, Jack Benny. And even, and Carson did it so well. But I learned a long time ago, you can get big laughs by just... The milk.

...reacting and looking a little sad and downtrodden when it's appropriate. And so Larry's so good at when he's being eviscerated, the way his face falls. Yeah. And the way he just has to, and I think also, Jeff Garland would just look, oh God, I'm just, I just have to take it. Cause I just got down trodden, I got busted,

Suzy knows, I'm fucked. Well they did such stupid shit too. It's like people would ask me questions, is it hard to get that angry? No, he's stealing my kid's doll's head. He's stealing my kid's dog. He's getting her drunk. He's getting us kicked out of a country club.

He's stealing a salad dressing recipe. It's not like a big method acting thing I gotta do. You just have to be in the scene and it's like, look what these fucking assholes are doing now. I talked about how your parents are, you know, academics and... Intellectuals. Intellectuals. And I know you had a great grandfather who was like a, is this right?

A great grandfather who was a very respected silent film actor, is that right? Yes, yeah. He was my great grandfather. He was actually the impresario of the Russian Grand Opera Company. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's the whole story. But they were crazy. They were like these crazy. And then he was in Yiddish theater when he came to New York,

and he was in silent films with Lon Chaney. He was in a few silent films. Yeah. I'm curious. But I never knew him. he died before I was born. Or was murdered. Yeah, well he was murdered, he was hit by young- What? I just threw that out there.

I know, see? Well he wasn't murdered, but he was hit by a car of drunk drivers. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. You know, I have to say, I always, reflexively, if someone says, and then they died, I always said, or was murdered.

Was murdered, but some people are murdered, Conan. And you know what, like a third of the time, I get more after and then they died, I always said, or was murdered. But some people are murdered, Conan. And you know what? Like a third of the time, I get more after that. They go, they were. I guess that was involuntary manslaughter, not murder. Well, we're not judges here. We don't have to. I think that's what it is.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Judge. Oh, yes, you're welcome. I'm an intellectual. Oh, yes, I know. But did your parents accept your career? Did they accept? No.

No. So what was their attitude? Well, first of all, I suffered from benign neglect. They never really knew. They didn't really have that much hope for me in any way, shape, or form or interest. And I had my older brother and sister were problem children, so I just kind of flew under the radar and did whatever I want. And when I told them I was going to be a comic, they were just, ah, you know.

But then once I was successful, it wasn't once I was, once their friends recognized that I was successful, then they were OK with it. So it's interesting. You were doing stand-up comedy in this time where notoriously, I mean, things have changed so much for the better, but notoriously difficult for women. For women? Yes.

I mean, difficult isn't even the word, but almost a societal sense of, it's really funny when a guy gets up there, but there's almost a different lens that goes up when a woman gets on stage. Which is, I mean, I even saw it with my own mother, who, wonderful person, but the generation she came from, if I was behaving like a fool and being a wise guy, she thought it was really funny. And if my sister started to do it, I could see her tense up.

That's not ladylike. That's not ladylike. Yeah, and especially the anger. I mean, not that my standup to do it, I could see her tense up. It's not ladylike. That's not ladylike. Yeah, and especially the anger. I mean, not that my standup wasn't angry, but the Susie Green character, you know, I mean, you're much younger, Sona, so I don't know if you were brought up this way, but I was brought up, you do not show anger as a female.

You have to be a nice little lady, you know? So I have women who feel, I feel as though Susie gives them permission to embrace their anger in a certain way. But stand-up in the 80s was very, very difficult, and I kind of was breaking a little bit of a mold there. The women who came before me, which you could name on one hand, you know, Joan, Phyllis, Toti, a couple of others, Jean, Carol, I felt as though they all had to be self-deprecating or the audience would not accept them. Phyllis dressed up in the crazy outfits, Todi was obese,

Joan was just talking about my thighs and I'm so ugly and she wasn't, she was adorable. But it was almost as though they had to be that way and I didn't connect to that. I didn't wanna do that at all, that kind of material. Were you doing stand-up at the same time as Joy Behar? Well yeah, Joy and I came't connect to that. I didn't wanna do that at all, that kind of material. Were you doing stand up at the same time as Joy Behar? Well, yeah, Joy and I came up together. You guys came up together.

So you could bond over that. Yes, and she was actually very influential to me. I just got off the phone with her. She's still my bestie. Because I saw what she was doing on stage, which she was just exactly like she was off stage, but you know, heightened, of course, it's always heightened. But she was just like, first time I saw her, I was like, oh, I see.

It's just like I'm sitting around the kitchen table with my girlfriends. And women at that time, I don't know if it's still the case, would be funny around their girlfriends, but not around the boys, you know. Right. I remember my father telling me that, you know,

when you're around men, you know, just listen to them. Don't talk too much and have so you know, just listen to them, don't talk too much and have so many opinions. Just listen to what they're saying. And I was like, what are you fucking kidding me? I'm not gonna do that. I'm sorry, but your father's describing a golden era. Oh no. No. Oh. Oh. You know, and then I'm... I am sorry. I have not experienced that.

I've never seen that. I wanna go back to that time and have someone listen to me. It's not gonna happen. Not gonna happen. I would talk about, you know, I was talking about sex. I was talking about whatever was going on in my life. I was dating younger guys.

And you know, now women talk about that all the time, but it was not really happening when I was talking about whatever was going on in my life. I was dating younger guys. And now women talk about that all the time, but it was not really happening when I was talking about it. And what I would find with, at the time the Friars Club existed, and I would do all these benefits with the old guys, the old Starkers, the Alan Kings and those guys. And I was so confusing to them because I was cute and they would look at me and they didn't know whether they wanted to fuck me or laugh at me they were so confused by it these old guys right one time I did a show with Alan King in Atlantic City and he was the host and this is how he introduced me goes in my day all the broads who were funny had something wrong with them

Martha Ray had a big mouth, Toady Fields was fat but this broad is pretty and funny please welcome Suzie Essman Jesus Christ That was the intro That was the intro Oh my god It was a different generation Get this!

Call Ripley's believe it or not She's funny and you don't want to throw up when you look at her This broad, you know, you have to make your bones with those guys Yeah She's funny and you don't wanna throw up when you look at her. This broad, you know? Yeah, you have to make your bonds with those guys. Yeah, but I mean, God bless you. What do you think gave you the, I'm just gonna say it, the nerve,

for anyone to get up on stage and do that is one thing, but for a woman at that time, what's driving you, do you think? What made you, what gave you the chutzpah, to use an old Irish term? I still don't know. All I know is I was coming out of a very dark place in my life.

I had no other alternatives. I was unhappy. I was lost. And there was like this woman I needed to become, that I didn't know what it was, but I knew that she was there. And I started doing stand-up, which friends kind of forced me to do it because I was funny. And after about a month, I was like, okay, this is what I was born to do.

And then I just was, you know, just focused and just moved forward. But it wasn't easy. You know, they wouldn't put more than one woman on a lineup in those days. It would just be male, male, male, one woman. You couldn't have two. So you tried not to be competitive with the other women because you were always fighting for spots. Right. But you know, it was hard. This is more of a process question, but were you someone who sat down and worked out what your routine was going to be?

No. No. You went up there, did you find it on stage? Yes. I would find it in the most terrifying way. I would have, you know, premises and ideas, but I would find the punchline with the gun to my head on stage. And it'd be, you know, it's one of the reasons I don't do it anymore.

It's too terrifying to do. But that's how I would work. And then I would try to do it the Jerry Seinfeld way of sitting and writing bits. And then I would try to do it, okay, I'm gonna start with this material and set up a whole. And it was so boring to me. I had to be all over the place, which ended up serving me well because I became an improviser

and then I got the part on Curb to improvise. But after I would set a routine, I was able to do it that way. But to write it, I would have to find it on stage. Yeah. Which is terrifying. Yeah. I think, I guess I'm comfortable in this like middle ground where I love to prepare. Yeah. I need to prepare, especially for there are certain things where you really have to prepare.

Well, you would do a monologue every night. Yeah. But I always found that I enjoyed the fucking around between the jokes more than the jokes. I'll do the jokes, but the jokes were just a lily pad to get me to, I could jump off the lily pad and then swim around. I loved, if a joke didn't work, I loved acknowledging what just happened. I can hear my own heart beating right now.

And then the crowd would be like, oh my god, he noticed. I mean... But this is why I always like doing your show. Because there was that, you know, I mean. But this is why I always like doing your show. Because there was that, you know, I mean you do certain talk shows and they pre-interview you and what bits do you wanna do? And I don't like working, I like to just show up.

And we, you know. It's good to have. Unless you're a WB star that's 26 years old. You know who you are. He waited on me three days ago He did No, it was the CW and then it Yeah, could you guys clarify exactly what how this whole transition happened?

I mean that was pretty much it. Are you doing a joke? Yeah, I was doing a little bit of a bit I don't care Yeah, no, so he's giving me Suszy's giving me the strength to really shout at both of you. Go ahead, baby. I know, I know. Go ahead. Fuck those fuck faces. Yeah, because you're by nature an improviser.

But when you're doing a television show, you have to have the material. Yes. Yeah, you have to have the material. But I guess what I've found over the years is I like to have ideas when I go out there, but then when we do these live podcasts, when we get to the end, I just talk to the audience and sometimes that'll go on for like 40 minutes. Yeah. And they're the biggest laughs of the night.

That's fun. Yeah. Because I'm having so much fun and I'm, you know, there's a seat empty next to somebody and I'm like, well, wait a minute, what happened to this? Oh, she couldn't make it. Well, where is she? Call her. And it's just, I love that. Yeah, it's called creativity.

Oh. I call it desperation to fill time. Yeah, that's fun. And also natural curiosity about who's on the other end of the phone. It's why when I used to do standup, I used to work the room. Yeah.

Because it was much more interesting than what I had to say. People will tell you the most intimate details of their life too, which is fascinating. I've always been fascinated. I want to say, I think 95% of my close friends are Jewish and always have been. And I grew up so Irish Catholic, but I've always gravitated. You're the 12th tribe, you know. Well, exactly. I'm trying to figure out, I feel such a kinship with Jewish people. The thing I'm most envious of is the food.

Really? Because I think- Yeah, I'm not- Not the Italians? No, no, I'm talking about the Irish. The Italians have amazing food. Yeah. But let's leave the Italians out of this for right now. Because man do they get my goat.

I'm talking about like the Irish, we have a... Nobody says let's get takeout Irish. No. Yeah. That's a potato in a bag. Although Conan, I was in Ireland for the first time this past fall, last September. And the food was fantastic in Dublin. A lot of great food.

Well it changed. There was a culinary boom, and a lot of the great chefs started going to Dublin, I think, in the late 80s, 90s. And so they have amazing restaurants. But all I ever want to do is go to a deli. Yeah. And my favorite meals are corned beef sandwich, just all of it.

Potato pancakes, cream soda, yeah. Here's the test. Do you like gefilte fish? I'm okay with gefilte fish. All right, there you go. Then you are a Jew. I'm a Jew. I have now anointed you. But when I was in Ireland, I felt an incredibly, and I loved being, I just loved it.

It was one of my favorite places I've ever been. I felt an incredible affinity with the Irish. And I think it's an oppressed group. I mean, I felt that about them. They had been so oppressed by the Brits for so many years. And I just felt that sense of being a part of an oppressed group. I always thought it was interesting when I started to learn more about Irish history and that there was literally getting conquered and conquered and conquered and conquered

and not having a say in your own life. Like you're gonna work this land, you don't own the land. And because there's no agency, what you do is you find these different ways to rebel. And I think it's true of a lot of oppressed groups. They figure out this other way and they figure out whether through music or comedy, writing, the Irish bent and twisted the language. You get James Joyce because it's almost this like, fuck

you, we're going to do it this way. Right. But the Irish, there's a lot of Irish poets as well and playwrights. I think that they also have that in common with the Jews is the use of language. It's a very verbal culture. It's very fascinating to me. I know a lot of people have talked about this sort of similarity, but I've always found that that's the way I gravitated.

And- Well, we'll accept you. As long as I get the food. As long as I get the food. Did you have these, I want to say stereoty I wanna say stereotypical Jewish cuisine growing up? My mother was like the worst cook in the entire world. Oh God, she was so bad. She was horrible.

And my mother was also hygienically not up to par. So none of us ever wanted to eat her. I always felt like she was doing Munch House and by proxy and trying to kill us all. Cause that's what it felt like. But yeah, she was doing Munch House and by proxy and trying to kill us all. You know? Because that's what it felt like. But yeah, she was not, uh, you don't want to eat her food. Trust me. OK, so you didn't grow up around the giant great meals

that, you know? No. No, but my father used to take us down to the Lower East Side all the time. We would go to Ratner's Deli and Katz's Deli. And, you know, and we would go to the Epstein's and the Bronx and get fresh bagels and all of that stuff. and Katz's deli, and we would go to the Epstein's and the Bronx and get fresh bagels and all of that stuff.

My friend, when I was in, well, you know him well, Sona, but when I was in college, met this guy who would become really great friends, Rodman Flender, and he would take me, he grew up in Hell's Kitchen, and he would just, he would always take me to, there was like 35 delis that were great, and he knew where they all were, and he would take me there would always take me to, there was like 35 delis that were great, and he knew where they all were, and he would take me there and tell me what to get,

and he made me matzo brie once, and I was like... Oh, matzo brie. Yeah. I love matzo brie. Yeah. I live for matzo brie. Well, you gotta have Rodman Flanders matzo brie. Okay, write me over.

Shout out to Rodman. I want some. What is it? Matzo brie is, it's matzo that's egged, it's like matzo French toast. Oh It's matzah that's egged. It's like matzah French toast. Oh, that's cool. It's so delicious. Ah, I want some. Can you tell Rodman to come make some?

Where is Rodman now? Rodman right now is in New York, but he'll be back here soon. He goes... He's sort of bi-coastal now. What does he do? Director, and I mean, just... He's a brilliant guy, very funny, but mostly directing. He's directed a lot of television, he's directed film, directed documentaries.

I'm glad he's getting a shout out. Yeah, I love Rodman. You love Rodman. I do, I just do. I told you you love him, I didn't ask you, I told you. I know, you just said it, but I do. But I don't like you forcing it on me.

And you're gonna love his matzo brie, whether you want to or not. See, now I'm not gonna like it. No, you are. Because you're telling me to like it. No, there's no way not to like matzo brie, whether you want to or not. See, now I'm not gonna like it. No, you are. Because you're telling me to like it. It's good matzo brie. There's no way not to like matzo brie. Okay, I like French toast. There you go.

And I love matzo. Although... It's a win-win. I had a matzo the other day that was so devoid of moisture that I thought my head was gonna implode. Someone handed me a matzo, and I like matzo, but this matzo, for some reason, it had no nothing. And I put it in my mouth, and it sucked

the marrow out of my bones. Oh, god. What was this? It was like a death matzah cookie. I don't know. I'm just saying, have you ever heard of ever had a matzah that really just? I've never had a death matzah.

I'm not denying your experience, but I've never had it. I'm convinced it's out there. Now it's become my Nessie. I swear I saw it and everyone's like, there's no, no, we've never seen it. You know, my father used to eat like in the morning he would have like herring, like pickled herring. Ugh, that's gross to me.

My dad, I don't know, I mean, such an Irish guy, but he would have borscht. Really? And little cured fishes and stuff that really, I mean, I, borscht just looked disgusting to me. It looked like he was having a bowl of blood. And then, you know, chewing on some oily fish. Yeah.

And then he'd, you know, and he was always very fussy about it. You can imagine my dad just having, and then a little cup of something else that was gross, some liver. So angry at him for eating. Yeah, liver. Sorry. I'll have a little minced liver,

and then I'll put a little oily fish in my mouth, and then I'll drink this blood juice. Oh, he's just eating. Borscht is good too. Sorry, it is. That's so quiet. I know, it is. I'm sorry, it's delicious.

Adam, how do you feel about borscht? Yeah. Just bringing him into the conversation. I do love matzo brie though. Oh, there you go. Everybody loves matzo brie. And I was thinking when you said that you had the dry matzo, isn't by definition it's dry, there's no moisture in it anyway.

That's what I'm thinking too. But this was something else in it. There was something that sucked moisture out. It deprived me of moisture. I went blind because all of the liquid in my eye went down into the matzo. And I couldn't see for three days, but I wrote beautiful music. Come on, man.

I'm an idiot. You're so stupid. This group. I know, we're so stupid. Suzie regrets coming. Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien. So, Curb's over now. You're gonna miss that.

Yeah, I will. But, you know, I mean, everything's gotta come to an end. I mean, it's just we had an amazing run for 24 years, but I'll miss it. I won't ever... Larry would tell me this all the time, you never do anything this funny again. Well, he's right. You know? What? He can't say that. Well, he's right.

He can't say that. Well, yeah, he can. You can't say it if your name's in the show. He's Larry David and he can say it. I guess he can, but it doesn't seem right. I'm gonna have a bone to pick with Larry now. You know what? You'll never do anything as funny as this Conan podcast. Never, good luck to you.

But the reason why he's right is because I can't imagine anything else that I would do that I would have as much creative input. Yes. You know, you're given a script and, you know, how many times have I gotten a script, they're like, make it funny when it's not. But if Larry wrote it, it would have been. But you know, I got to write all my own lines.

I got to create the character. I got so just and being in a creative collaboration with him. Yes. It's just, you know, I'll never have anything like that again. I was joyous. I also think that, um, between when the pilot for that show was made and now, comedy changed a lot in a good way. Uh, we got away from proscenium comedy sitcoms and we got away from laugh tracks

and we got away from laugh tracks and we got away from some of the phoniness and so the comedy that you guys were doing in the early curbs there's nothing to indicate I mean the office was doing this too you know the British office and then the American office they they were letting awkward moments play as awkward and let them sit let them sit and you you they were establishing natural rhythms. And I think there's a whole generation that now looks at that as that's what comedy's supposed to be.

Yeah. So if you now show a 22-year-old, you know, a person walks in and, you know, hey, what's going on? Oh, you know, ah, laugh track. Yeah. You know, and, uh-oh, who's this kooky guy? And then a kid puts his, a little kid puts his fist on his... And says something witty.

And says like, well, if you two get a divorce, I'll be the one that gets custody. And it's like, we now all know... Yeah. No one will accept that. Yeah. Nor should they. No, and they... And it was of its time. I'm not criticizing that.

It was, you know, it's what we grew up on. And some of them were brilliant. You know, I grew up with some brilliant sitcoms out there, some crap, but some brilliant ones too. But yeah, I mean, look, comedy is a reflection, as it should be, of the culture. One of the things that Curb has done, which I think is remarkable, it is not given into any kind of political correctness in any way. And how we get away with it on that show is remarkable,

given the environment that we're in. Something that occurred to me is, there's just this general knowledge that no one's getting an apology from Larry David. Yeah. In a good way, meaning he is going to irritate everyone. And... Equal opportunity irritator.

Equal opportunity irritator, and that he's not gonna be caught in a moment where he has to then go in on camera and say, you know, we did a thing, and, uh, and I apologize. Because he was... First of all, he always put himself down. So his character was always the one who loses. He sticks his finger in his own eye. He sticks his finger in his own eye,

and also, so there's not malice there, and then there's also a genuine, let's explore why these different tropes freak people out so much, and do it in an equal way, and I think that's why there was this general acceptance of, yes, this show can do that. And he's also saying what people want to say.

Mm-hmm. But they can't. You know, like I was looking at a scene the other day where he goes up to a couple that have an adopted Chinese baby. Mm-hmm. And he says, does the kid have a proclivity for chopsticks? Uh-huh. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, who else is going to do that but Larry? And it's hilarious. And he's not saying it's right. Right. He's not saying it's right. And, but, you know, you kind of wonder. Yeah. He's, uh, I do think it's healthy

when great things come to an end, you know? There's, it can't last forever. Yeah, and also it needs to, it needs to, whatever, transmogrify, transform. You need to go do the next thing. Right. So it's very liberating. And the episodes are there.

Everyone can watch and rewatch and rewatch. And there's a lot of them. There's 121 of them. And, you know, we're all getting old. It's like, I think what Larry felt like, and he's gonna be 77 in July, how long could he act like this ridiculousness that he acts in that character?

I mean, I think he just felt that. It just, especially after Richard died too, it really felt like it was just over. I can't imagine doing this show without Lewis. I just can't imagine it. But it feels, it doesn't feel sad to me as much as I feel, and not to be Pollyanna, I just feel so grateful to have done it.

Yes. I feel that way about so many things. Well, you just finished something huge. You know, how many, 30 years you did? Yeah, I think it was 28 years we did the show, did one show or another, but I did late night over, and then I have loved the last three years because I love doing the podcast, I love doing the travel shows, I'm a male model now. It all gives me, well, it's possible.

It's not true, though. Well, I know, but there's a possibility. Who gives a shit, David? David, once you shut, thank you. What are you, the voice of reason? Yeah, you fuck yeah Yeah, happy to be here You sit in so rarely and you sit in and suddenly

Susie Aspen turns to you what? You sit in so rarely and you sit in and suddenly he gets... You're just getting blasted. LAUGHING Suzy Esmond turns to you, What? Shut up! But things do come to an end. Yes. And everything is not forever. Marriage is end, whatever. People die.

No. People die. No, I'm not gonna die. Can't die. Not gonna happen. I'm too... My ego's too big. There was such quiet in the room after you said that. I don't care. Okay. Nothing, I'm not going die. Can't die, not gonna happen. I'm too, my ego's too big. There was such quiet in the room after you said that. I don't care. Okay. Nothing, I'm not going anywhere, see?

You're a ticking time bomb, honestly. It's a shock you made it this far. Keep eating the deli, Conan. I know. Keep eating the Jewish deli food. I'll meet you at the deli. I am so happy that I ran into you in the city and I meant what I said.

You're a lovely person and so much, it's effortless to talk to you. And you're hilarious, as you know. As are you. Well, thank you. And I, we have to have Suzy back. You have to come back. And can I just say on behalf being HUS,

I am welcoming you into the tribe. Thank you. The moil will be over next week. Oh my god. This has got a lot of... I am welcoming you into the tribe. Thank you. You will probably- The moil will be over next week. Oh my God. This has got a lot of... I've been to many brisses and my favorite joke to do was to say, cause they always cater them to go like,

this calamari's terrific. And the person running it would go, we don't have calamari. And I go, ooh. It was the shtick I did that I accidentally ate the foreskin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, someone looked at me with horror, but I did that shtick at nine different brisses.

It killed every time. I can't believe I looked at you with horror about an eating foreskin joke. Oh, come on. Sorry. And there's a single one? What? Because the calamari. Is there one? There's one on the plate?

The guy just got confused. He picked it up. It was a multiple break. He picked, yeah. Or the guy didn't get enough the first chop. Oh, he did multiple chops. Yeah, the moil didn't get enough on the first chop, so he had to keep going back.

It's so barbaric when you think about it. And then they were all there, and you hear a baby shrieking, and then suddenly we're eating white fish, and then the occasional calamari. Oh, don't double dip. I win, I win. All right, Suzy Essman, go with God. Thank you for being here and I love you.

My pleasure. Anytime. Hey, I heard you met someone special. Yep, I did. I'm leaving my wife and I'm moving in with Monica. That's your intro to this? Yeah, and I'm sticking by it. Okay. A couple of, not that long ago,

like two and a half, three weeks ago, live I'm in New York and I get a text message from the very funny comedian, Jim Gaffigan. And it says, can I call you? Which, I know Jim, but it's not like where we talk a lot or anything. So that, I was a little freaked out in the moment. You thought you were in trouble or something.

Oh, I thought he said, can I call you? And then your mind erases and I thought, maybe Jim needs money. You know, what's going on? Did I do something? So I call him and he basically says that the Vatican is interested in inviting a bunch of comedians to meet with the Pope. So Jim Gaffigan was one of the point people

because he is a good Catholic fellow. Stephen Colbert also was calling people. So the next thing I know, I think, well, you have this chance to go to the Vatican, meet the Pope. This sounds cool. So I say, well, I'm in, we gotta do this, let's go. How much advance notice did you have?

Not a lot, couple of weeks, but not much. So maybe two and a half, maybe three weeks. Maybe three weeks? But you don't need to prep, you just show up. Yeah, exactly. Every time I've met the Pope, I haven't prepared. And so, so anyway, we get ourselves to Rome, my wife and I, my son came along as well.

It was fun because we all had kind of a dinner the night before we got to hang out, a bunch of us, not all of us, but a bunch of us, which was just nice to get to hang with some of these people and talk about what is gonna happen. But then the next day we show up and they said, be there really early. And I'm mentioning things that I'm sure

Stephen will have talked about this, and you know, but my experience was the first thing they said is be at the Vatican at 6.45. And I'm like, AM? AM, and I said, 6.45? No. Um. Um.

And also I think the sense I got is that this Pope gets up really early and that's immediately, because I've toyed with the idea of being Pope. No, okay. But this was a kill, this killed it immediately. He works out probably in the morning. I think he works out. I think he's riding his bicycle all around Rome.

He goes to the market to see which fish is in. In his Pope hat. Yeah. And so he's, you know, whatever. He's up really early. And I think we were not the first thing in his day, other stuff had already happened. So we all show up, they take us into the Vatican,

and I mean, I think people know this by now, but Whoopi Goldberg, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Stephen Colbert, Tig Notaro, David Sedaris, Jimmy Fallon, myself, Chris Rock, Mike Birbiglia, Stephen Merchant, who's hilarious. Stephen Merchant was there, and I identify with him, because he's like six, seven and mostly leg. And so we fought each other with our legs, which was fun.

And then the Pope broke it up. Knock it off with the legs. Cut it out, you two. So they bring us into this room and then- Is he even Italian? No, you know what it is? He's from Argentina, but he speaks Italian because I think he grew up speaking Italian.

So it's okay. It sounds- It's okay to slander him that way. I'm not slandering him. I'm doing an impression of what he sounds like. It was like, I'm making a pizza pie in Argentina. And so anyway- It's a me, Mario.

It's a me, Mario. And I was born in Buenos Aires. But anyway, the Swiss guards come in. That was the craziest thing. Swiss guards come in wearing these multi-colored uniforms that you've seen, yellow and purple, and they do this whole choreographed thing, which I don't think was taped or anything,

where they have these long, and of course Colbert knew the name. He's so Catholic. Is it a halbert or a pike? Yes, halbert. I didn't know the name and he was like, well of course they've got their halberts. And I was like, how did you know that?

I thought a halbert was a nut you could eat. And that's a filbert. Anyway, they come in and they start, they do this whole choreographed thing with their halberts, these basically long sticks that have like an axe head at the end. And then all these dignitaries come in and you're looking at,

some people are wearing these really elaborate costumes and there are people with vestments and there are people that are wearing all kinds of metallic, there's all these chains around their neck. One guy looked like a sommelier. He wasn't a sommelier, but he has, you know that thing where they have a spoon around there? You just see all these people coming in and out

and then the Pope comes in and sits down and he spoke to us in Italian, but they gave us the text of it. It was really quite lovely what he said. He talked about how humor brings people together and the importance of it. And it was very well-written and very thoughtful. And I thought kind of interesting. And then you get in a line and you shake the Pope's hand

That is very brief. I have to tell you and There's no moment, you know, I never had any illusions about this But I'm you know, there might have been the occasional celebrity there comedian who thought the Pope will go like now you He might he might know whoopie, I think, from Sister Act. Oh, right. But it's not, yeah. Why? Just because she was a nun?

I think, and also Whoopi's, I mean, Whoopi's so iconic, she's been around for a long time, but I don't think, I had no, not for a second did I ever think he's gonna go like, Conan, it's good to see you, you know, you come out and you did the thing with the strings on your hips. The dance, do it now, do it now, yeah, yeah, that's it.

I never thought, and so it's a quick handshake. What did you guys exchange any words? I thought I saw footage of you saying something to him. Yeah, I said to him, it's called Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and you can get it. You're gonna love Matt and Sona. I'm already a fan of them. Yeah, and oh, and I,. Yeah. I'm already a fan of them. Yeah.

And, oh, and I, yeah. And I said, you know, if it's not Miller Lite. Um. Oh. Nice. Yeah, I did. I mentioned Miller Lite really quickly. He went, you know, it is, it's good.

It's not so filling, but it tastes great. 74 calories, or 94 calories. Yeah. He said, is it 94 calories? I said. Yeah, he says it 94 calories. I said, yeah, that's how it is. And then the Pope said, and I'm well, this is a quote. You can see he's talking to me gets really animated when he goes, you know, and I'm hanging out with my fellas, you know, my guys. And we're sitting around and we're shooting the shit, you know, and I went, yeah, and people were saying, and he said, your holiness, maybe you should move.

And I see she's like, no, no, no! It's finally, I'm talking to a guy about Militon! But I'm hitting with my guys, and you crack open a cold one, and it's like, it's like, what is it, 90? I'm gonna guess, it's like 94 calories. And I went, geez, that's really, and he's like, if it's not Militon, I don't want it!

It's a lot of shit! And what am I gonna have, some other competing beer? No. And I'm like, you're starting to sound like Triumph, the instant comic dog. He was, yes, yes, good, you suck. So anyway, then you move on and then this, I hope he doesn't get mad at me for saying this,

but I thought it was just a very cool moment. We sit down, but there's comics from all over the world and there's just a lot of people still filing up. And it like our moments over and there's a long line. And so we're all sitting there and Chris Rock is sitting right in front of me. And I noticed that he has these little earbuds in and I'm like, he's listening to something.

What's he listening to something? And I lean over his shoulder and we're in this beautiful gorgeous space with this. I don't know if it's from the 1500s or the 1600s, and it's just filled with these gorgeous murals. Everyone's wearing these elaborate costumes and we're meeting this man who's the leader of this very massive church all over the world and you're

thinking about all the significance of it. And I lean over and I look at Chris as holding his iPhone in his lap and I see that he's listening to the soundtrack to Straight Outta Compton. I'm not kidding. And so I nudge him and he looks at me and I point down, really like, really? And he takes one earbud out and he goes, I like the juxtaposition. Yeah. I do too. Between being here and listening to

the straight out of Compton soundtrack and I'm like, that's cool. I like that. So. How do you think that they chose, was there a hundred precisely or how many people got to go? How many comics? Was there a committee that decided who these people would be? I don't know how it all worked. I don't know much. I know that, I believe, when they looked at the final list from America, I don't know how many of us there were, but maybe 15 from America, something like that. You look at the list and I don't know how they came up

with those names, but you look at the list and then you'd be like, oh, I mean, England, it was only Stephen Merchant, I believe. And you're like, huh. So there are people who weren't there, I know it's because they were asked but couldn't come or who knows, I don't know. But then you look at the different countries and there were people from Germany, I know this is because they were asked but couldn't come or who knows, I don't know. But then you look at the different countries

and there were people from Germany, I know this is a comedian from Switzerland and this is a comedian from, and then Italy, tons of cons from Italy. But I have to say, you know, I was raised very Catholic and my parents are very Catholic. And so there was a lot of meaning in going to the Vatican. And I did get, you get, they give you a rosary

that's blessed by the Pope, which I'm gonna give to my mom. Well, I won't give her the actual one. It's gonna sell it to her. Yeah, I'm gonna sell it. No, what I was gonna do is I'm gonna keep the real one and say this was blessed by the Pope. Oh, man.

And so I'll give that to my mom. But I have to say, one of the most meaningful things to me was meeting all these comedians from around the world. Some of them are stand-ups, some of them are talk show hosts, some of them are improvisers. I love that because there was something sweet about it. We're all in this kooky,

I don't know, we're all in this weird profession. We've all got something wrong with us, I'm sure. And we were all together in this beautiful room. And so I took a lot of selfies with people from different countries, met a lot of comedians from all over the globe. And I thought, oh, this might be the part of this that is getting to me the most, you know?

Which I thought that was really neat. And I did, I mean, there were people that were saying like, say hi to Sona and Matt. And I'm like, what? You know, cause I'm always- The Pope? No, not the Pope. No, the Pope was like, tell Sona and Matt,

it's meal-el time! I'm like, please Pontiff, can we let this go? No, no, it's just that it doesn't fill you up. Well, I'm sitting with my bishops and we've got a hard day and I want to relax. I like to crackle. Hey, we gotta get paid for this now. I did a riff.

Man, they're getting this for free. But anyway, it was remarkable. It was kind of a remarkable thing. And I have to say in my career, my favorite thing is when I just pop up places I shouldn't be. And this was definitely a place I shouldn't be. And I'm always looking for those moments where,

you know, there's like when I, a couple of years ago, when I was asked to be at the, do something for the Nobel committee, like some kind of show. And then they said, and you can come to the Nobel Peace Prize, which is done in a very small room. And I sat there with James and other guys from my camera crew. And we quickly put suits on them.

And these guys, I don't think James had ever been in a suit before. And we're all sitting there like practically in the front row, watching someone get the Nobel Peace Prize. People watching it on C-SPAN or wherever they watch these things, it would be like panning across the room and I had people say like, ''What? Why are you there?'' You're the Forrest Gump. Yeah, I know. That's my favorite thing is to be

the goofy Forrest Gump that's showing up places I shouldn't be. But anyway, my thanks to the Vatican for having me and that was quite an experience. And yeah, that's all I got. God bless you. You know what? What? That now means more to me than anything that happened.

Thank you. Thank you. A blessing from this Satanist right here. Yeah. Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fischer at Earwulf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.