Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Taylor Tomlinson

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson feels braggadocious about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Taylor sits down with Conan to discuss the benefits of starting out at a young age, the joke that got her kicked out of church gigs, the horrors of performing on a cruise ship, and more. Plus, part two of the rejected Bond theme quiz! Get tickets for Taylor’s upcoming tour here. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Taylor Tomlinson, and I feel braggadocious about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I try bragging about it though, it's not going to get to you. Oh, I have. Oh, you have? Oh, I have. Yeah, I sent it to my sibling group chat this morning, which is very active, and my youngest sister wrote back in all caps, holy fucking shit, say hi to Sona for me, I love her so

much, and Matt, my idols, and then in lower case, love Conan too. Oh, that was a body blow, that was a punch to the solar plexus, and I wasn't prepared for it, so all the wind has gone out of me now. I liked it. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk in the blues, go to the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, I just spit some gum out of my mouth.

How many sticks? Well, that's just it, I was chewing, I think I put in three pieces, Sona, you've observed over the years that I'm incapable of having just one stick of gum. But it's not even like, you have the pack in your hand, you take it, you wrap it, you shove it in your mouth, then you unwrap another one, you shove it in your mouth, then you unwrap another one, you shove it in, and it's like, there's like five or six pieces in there sometimes, and you chew it for like five minutes, and then you just spit it out, it's fucking weird.

Wow, well, I thought you were going to say this was kind of endearing, or there's a little trait Conan has, but you, this went, it got bad quickly. I didn't mean to say it is, it is like when you were chewing right now, there is, it's nice that I know that you have so many sticks in your mouth. That is nice. I have, there's something compulsive, I mean, I have a compulsive nature in some ways, and gum brings it out. If there's, you know, 20 pieces of gum in a pack, I want to get through them.

It feels to me like a task, like I've got to get through these pieces of gum. You know, if it's the little kind of small rectangles, like the tridents, I'll get like four of those in my mouth and be chewing them, and I feel like I've got to get this done, and then I've got to get on to the next ones. I kind of understand what I'm talking about. I'm not happy about that. And you know what, I think I don't smoke, never smoked, but in movies I'm always fascinated when people smoke, because it speaks to me, and I think if I did smoke, I'd be one of

those guys that smoked four packs a day. I would just be, I'd be lighting one cigarette, you know, getting through it, and keeping my eye on the next cigarette. That's what I'd be doing, and it would be, it's a compulsion. I think it's, you know what, if it's gum, it's okay. I don't see anything wrong with it. It's just, sometimes you do things with a way of showing that you're like, that you're almost punishing yourself.

Well, no, I mean, it's just the way I brush my teeth, too. Yeah, it's, you're really hard on yourself. When I brush my teeth, I scrape away, with the toothbrush, I just go through toothbrushes really quickly, because they practically catch fire from the friction of me brushing my own teeth, which is why I switched to one of those electric toothbrushes, because you can't be as crazy. But when I'm, and it's the same way, I mean, I saw this, I grew up, my father's the same way.

He washes his hands like he's murdering his enemy, his lifelong enemy. He washes his hands and he's squeezing, and if you could slip a piece of coal in between his hands while he's washing them, he'd crush it into a diamond, like Superman. You do that sometimes when you laugh really hard, you sit back and you go, Oh, of course. Yeah, I'm compressing. And I used to think, what is that? People would say, are you nervous or something?

And I go, no, it's extremes. If I'm extremely happy sometimes, or pleased, I squeeze my hands together, like I'm, I don't know. I don't know what it is. This is making me sad for myself. No, don't be sad. It's not like, you could be using it in very negative ways, and you're not. Just because you brush your teeth too hard, or you chew a lot of gum, that could be a

lot worse. Have you seen me wash my face when I used to take the makeup off after the show? You know what? I've seen you put makeup on. Like if you had, if we were on the road or something and you had to put some makeup on just to, just to like even out your face, you were, it's almost like, I want to get this done so I can go on to the next thing. You know what it is?

It's all get this done so I can get to the grave. Oh, there it is. It really is. I'm sure to God, it's all this attitude of, I've got to just get this done. Yay, let's get this birthday party over with so I can get to my grave. There's a grave waiting for me, and I got to get to it. And so, yes, there's an angry haste, and I've tried so hard, I've tried meditation, I've tried all these things, and eh, you know, what is this meditation?

I've got to get going. Let's go, let's go. If you chew just one piece of gum, what, what happens? Why can't you just chew one? Take a tear one and a half and just chew a half a piece of gum. Okay, this is, I'm going to just get the, this is a trident, original flavor, I don't know what that means. Oh, with gravy.

I love how it just says, it's original flavor, trident, 14 sticks, sugar-free gum, with xylitol. Oh. I love how they can just say that, and I'm, I'm okay with it. That could be a terrible chemical. Yeah, they're putting it forward like it's a good thing, that could be a disclaimer for all we know. It's a trident, and they don't do ads with us or anything, but they do know, and they've

got it for free. After I've mocked his xylitol, no, it's a good gum, and it's a gum that I rely on. Uh, okay, so what do you want me to do? This is a very small, this feels like it's about an inch. Yeah. Right? That's, I'd say that's two. It's a standard size, not a long piece of gum.

You think this is two inches? That's an inch and two quarters. Then I'm in good shape. Aw, man. Come on, here we go. I bet you that's an inch and three quarters by half an inch or five-eighths of an inch. Okay, these are, we'll be back with more boring bets in a minute. I bet you that peanut weighs less than a gram.

Okay, we'll be back. Okay, we all have our compulsions. All right, so I'm taking, I just broke this trident piece in half. Yeah. I'm gonna try and just put that in. All right. Oh, that sounds, I can't take that sound. You're chewing too close.

I can't take that sound. You're chewing too close. All right, that misophonia thing, I can't take people chewing. Yeah, it's too close. My daughter has that and can't stand anyone chewing or eating anything. I can't either. Why did I ask that? I don't like too much crunch, but I'm okay with everything else.

It's not enough. Yeah. That's it. It's just not, I don't want to bother people who are listening, but I'm gonna cease, there'll be a cessation of all chewing, a cessation of all macular activities. Yeah. You really saved this podcast from being boring, from me guessing the width of the gum. I snatched it from the jaws of defeat.

Okay, hold on. Yeah. It's not enough. Yeah. It's just not enough. Yeah, that's, then I would feel the same way. I like, I like a lot of gum. I stopped the other day to get gas and those prices are crazy, but don't get me started.

Yeah. So much money to fill it in. The electric car? That's the, that was insane to me. He just filled up the back seat. He filled the whole back seat with gasoline. I forgot that I had an electric car. It's good that you don't smoke.

Yeah. It was such a, it's muscle memory. I just, I was in my electric car and I pulled in as I'm my way back from, you know, Santa Barbara and I, I filled the back seat with unleaded gasoline. It cost $7,000. It was all sloshing through holes in the bottom of the car. Oh man, that's dangerous. Wait until he tries to charge his gas tank on the next car.

But anyway, no, I stopped. I was driving. Yeah. Pick up truck. That's right. I'm a guy. And I, yeah, all my humble figurines were in the back. And I, but I, I went in and I got those, you know, they, they sell gum that comes in,

got sugarless gum that comes in those canisters. Like a bucket. Like a little bucket. Like a tiny little container. I was, I can't tell you how many pieces I put in my mouth at one time. You pour it in. You would. That's what I did.

And it was nuts. I mean, even I left my own body and looked at myself and said, what are you doing? Yeah. I got so much. And I'm, so my whole mouth is just filled with gum. And you like the berry flavors, don't you? Like, I like to try anything. Do you miss the big gum of the eighties?

Like hubba-bubba. Oh my God. Bubbalicious. Bubbalicious I loved. Yeah. Hubba-bubba, Bubbalicious. Those were fantastic. They can't make a gum that's too big, that's, that would be too big for me.

I just like, if they came out with a gum called the big whopper, you know, or. What about big league chew? The face filler. Brick of gum. Yeah. Then I might be okay. But. Did you ever, do you ever eat big league chew, the pouch?

I liked that. Yeah. I liked that a lot. But then I'm heroin addict and I'm just in a heroin den. It's too much. It's not the same as heroin. But you're on methadone right now and you're not getting any better. No.

It's okay. It's okay. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. If you want a lot of sticks of gum, just eat a lot of sticks of gum. I love it. But you brought this up. He wasn't being hard on himself. You're right.

I brought it up and I said it was fucking weird, didn't I? Yeah, you did. Yeah, I did. I did. I'm sorry I said that to you. There's a lot of things about me that are maybe a little off or strange. But this podcast is maybe a way to get them in the open. Yeah.

And maybe lead to recovery. Oh. I do think when I see you doing these things. And also when I eat. Oh my God. Like the way I eat, you can tell I grew up in a large family. Yeah. I think that a lot of this stuff though, you're like, let me get through this so I can get

on to the thing I have to, not the grave, but like the thing I have to do because you're a very high-functioning person. What? Not the grave hospice. Yeah. You are just very high-functioning. You have a lot of things on your mind and those are the things you'd rather be doing than things like brushing your teeth.

I want to be in the moment. I very much want to be in the moment. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'd like to change. You know what I think you are in the moment when you're performing or doing something like this. Yes. Yeah.

No, I am. Yeah. This is my happy place. And when I'm with family, relatives, wife, kids, an endless torment. Okay. Let's get started. That's a shout-out to all my people right there. I love you.

I'm excited. My guest today is a hilarious stand-up comedian who joined me on the Conan and Friends tour in 2018 and now has a Netflix special, Look at You. She's also going on tour this summer with tickets available at teatomcomedy.com, teatomcomedy.com. She is fantastic. Taylor Tomlinson, welcome. I don't know what your memories are. We did a, I don't know, I want to say this is before COVID.

2018. 2018 and maybe the cause of COVID. We're not sure. We created it. There's the Wuhan theory and then there's the Conan tour theory. It was weird to have a lab on the private jet. I had, I'm constantly, constantly doing experiments with weird viruses. You're like, is that a bat, Conan?

You're like, just work on your set. Yeah. Just, hey, tighten up that ending. Okay. Why don't you worry about your stuff and let me worry about these bat viruses that I'm concocting. Yeah, we all have hobbies. You're a hobby.

Yeah. That's my hobby. Yeah. I need to be more careful about keeping that shit in the lab, but anyway, we, we went on this tour and how long was your leg of the tour? I remember you, you came in and was it, was it, we did a bunch of cities together. Yeah. I think I did two of the weeks.

What did you do? Like a total of six to eight weeks? Maybe. I can't remember. You know, you rotate us in. Yeah. So like each, I think each comic ended up doing two weeks. Maybe that was it.

Yeah. And my, my group included like Ron Funches and I think Flula was the only one who was on all of them. Flula was there for the, Flula Borg was there for the entire, for the entire tour. And so I got to see him working out his upper body constantly. You just watched him while he was doing it. Yeah. I had a special nanny cam.

But we had a really, it was, you know, obviously, I remember my, my distinct memory of you was I would say most of the audiences were really good. Yeah. They were really terrific audiences wherever we went. But I remember you just being absolutely fearless in a way that blew me away because you're so young. Oh, thank you. And I was very impressed.

I was like, this, this person doesn't know fear or is not showing it that you have fear. You had a sense of purpose that I found to be incredibly impressive. Oh, that's so nice. And, and you know, you're like a third my age and I just was blown away by that, you know. Yeah. I've actually done the math. Have you?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm 79 and you were 11 on that tour. So. Yeah. I was like, are it's Conan 90? Yeah. You're going to love her.

I'm like, some of us, she didn't fight in a Korean war. Yeah. I think I was 24 at the time. And what I've found is that if you start really young, people are very impressed with you, even if you are trash. So I, you know, who knows how good I actually was, but it's like when you see like a dog skateboard and you're like, he's not supposed to be able to do that. Yeah.

Is he a good skateboarder? It's like, no, he's a dog, but he's doing it. He's doing it. Yeah. Which is more than we ever thought he could do. I'm not going to say you were a dog on a skateboard. I'm not going to say that. You're a hilarious comedian and one of the things that impressed me is we, we talked

a bunch of times and your work ethic and the, I don't want to say pressure you put on yourself, but you have a very high standard, which I found to be incredibly impressive. Oh, thank you. Well, again, when you're younger in this business, I think you get certain opportunities when you're young and you want to prove that you're worthy of them. So that's certainly an aspect of it that contributed to that pressure. And then also I just, you know, want to be really good at my job. I think it's more fun when you're really good.

But yeah, I, I mean that tour was so insane because I remember like the first night, maybe we all had dinner and you like pulled me aside afterward and made a point to be like, Hey, just so you know, really glad you're here. Like I think maybe we had talked about family stuff at the, at the table with everybody and you were like, really glad you're here. You deserve to be here. Like you kind of picked up on my imposter syndrome, I feel like. And made a point to be very encouraging, which I think you did with everyone I've heard.

Not with punches. Well, he's very confident. He's an imposter. Look, I know we all feel like we're imposters, but you functions. No, I absolutely, I'm picking on this guy because I absolutely adore him, but. I don't know if any, but I guess flu probably knew you the best of anybody, but I certainly, I had only met you for moments on your show. And so I didn't know what you were going to be like.

And I remember thinking just like, why is Conan like hanging out with us? Like. Did your respect for me drop plummet? Oh yeah. Of course. The veil was pulled back and I said, maybe he's not as talented as I thought he was. If he's rubbing shoulders with us. You know, it's funny.

We had a fun sort of adventure where you revealed at one point that you, as a child, had always wanted an American girl doll and you'd never got one. And I became obsessed with, we have to get you an American girl doll. Yeah. Remember how this unfolded? Yes. We were on, we were not on a bus. What am I saying?

We were in a van. Bus. What is a bus anyway? I keep hearing about this bus. Is it like a limo but longer? No, no, it's a big piece of shit for public transportation. Why would you want to be with other people from the public? I'm so confused.

We were on a private bus that Conan did own. Made of gold. Made of gold, obviously. And we were in this van and it must have been the second leg of the tour because I was being more talkative. And we were on the way to the hotel in Chicago, I believe, and I don't know why I got on this kick, but I just started talking about, oh, the American girl doll store, I think they had one there.

And I was like, man, I always wanted one, but they were so expensive and my parents never got me one, but that was like the dream. And I would just look at the catalog, like it was a magazine or something, and just go if I had one of those dolls, I'd put them in these shoes. And it's why I have such a great imagination now. And the next day, I got a text from somebody who was like, hey, Conan wants to do a video with an American girl doll. Do you want to come down and do that at noon?

And I was like, yeah. And then you made me choose between Kit and Samantha. Yes. I wanted to have an element of cruelty to it because it's me. So there were two really needy looking American girl dolls, like, you know, please pick me. No, no, pick me. And I said, you had to choose. And then I think I said the other one was going to be murdered.

Yeah. You were like, we will be melting the other one into a dollpan cake. And we're going to send you the video and write you, you did this. You did this. But I think at the end, you actually gave the other one to Flula. I did. So which one did you pick? I picked Samantha because I had more experience with her as a child.

I had watched the movies and read all the books and Kit, I wasn't as familiar with. So I felt that I didn't, I didn't feel like I should pick her. And then in hindsight, I wish I had because Kit's cool. You know, it was nice. So you picked your doll and then you were legitimately very happy to have this doll. And I didn't want to destroy the other one. That would be the act of a sociopath. So I gave it to Flula and Flula ended up, talk about a guy who commits to something.

He ended up holding it the entire tour. Now Flula Borg, you've seen him in movies, pitch perfect, suicide squad. And he's a very funny, talented guy and I love him to death. And he's, I've done, I've shot a bunch of things with him. But he, he's this big, good looking German guy who like works out all the time. And he was holding his American girl doll the entire trip. And even when we would go to get dinner at night, he would bring it and he would set it up in a little high chair.

And I kept thinking like, this is really funny, but when is this going to stop? And he wouldn't stop. And I think he's still somewhere right now in Bavaria holding it. I know. I felt bad after that. I was like, I don't even think he read those books and he's far more committed to this bit than I am. I was like, leave it in the box and fed exit to my house.

I don't want anything to happen to it on the plane. Right. I got to know you pretty well on that tour. I learned so much about you. And I thought we should just start on, you know, I was raised in a religious household, very Catholic, but Catholicism, they can play it fast and loose, you know. You were raised in a very Christian environment that, and your early work in comedy was sort of in Christian comedy, wasn't it?

Yeah. I started in churches when I was 16 because you can't go up in clubs until you're 18. So I hadn't been in a comedy club until I turned 18. Once I did, I was like, oh, this is like where comedy is supposed to happen. Not in church. Not in church, as it turns out. But you know, I think that maybe that was good as a foundation. I worked really clean for like the first six years probably that I did stand up.

And then when I turned 22, I actually got fired from a church gig, opening for a big church comic because of something that I tweeted that ended up being a joke that I did on your show. That's right. You have this. It's a great joke. But this is the joke that got you kicked out of the Christian comedy circuit. Is that fair to say?

Yeah. It was like the last church gig that I was still doing was opening for this guy. And they called me and were like, hey, you can't be tweeting stuff like this. That's not good for our audience. Can you tell us the joke? The joke was, I'm a wild animal in bed, way more afraid of you than you are of me. And I was so happy that it ended up on your show because in my first late night set on your show, which was like, by the way, all I wanted for years was to have a Conan set.

And it was maybe the first moment that I felt like, oh, I might be a real comedian now. It was like, that's what I wanted for the first half of my career, like the first six years. And then once I got that, I was like, okay, we can set some other goals now. And that is literally all I wanted to do. And then after that, all I wanted to do was tour theaters. And now I've done that. And so now everyone's like, what do you want to do now?

I'm like, I think I did everything. I'm done. I did Conan in this tour. I'm 26, so. Yeah, you see, you tweet that joke out, they get upset. But I maintain that the limitations are great. When you're very young, if you are, whether the limitations are self-imposed or imposed by your environment, it's really good for you.

Yeah, I think that's true. But then also, coming up in church, I don't think you're exposed to as much stand-up as you are when you're doing open mics and clubs in a bigger city. Because then you're more aware of what's already been done and what's kind of a hacky premise and doing in church gigs, nobody's really worried about that because it's such a small, sheltered scene, I suppose, you could say. So I look back on it, and I think in some ways it was really good. I was also going up in front of hundreds of people for 15 minutes, and a lot of times

getting money, and I'm like, this is stupid. That should not have been happening at all. But by the time I see. Was the money good? Is the money in? Oh, church money is amazing. It's really good. Do they pay you in ones, right from the collection?

I mean, look, they put it in your G-string, but it's blessed, the ones are damp with holy water. I was paid in communion wafers for my first three years. You get a lot of free wine. I think that's what's so crazy is I had to have a conversation with my team like manager and agents where I was like, I can't do churches anymore, and they were like, what about this money? And I was like, I can't.

Like I'm being dishonest with them because I'm not a Christian anymore, and I'm not going to be clean all the time anymore. I'm going to speak how I speak in clubs and talk about what I want to talk about. And if you are a comedian performing in churches, they want you to be that all the time. And that's why they're all middle-aged married guys, because they're Christian, and that's their lifestyle, and they talk about their family and going to church, and good for them. That's who should be doing it. But I didn't want to be somebody who was pretending to be something that I wasn't for some sort

of success or financial stability. But yeah, the money was really good, and you're kind of like, yikes. So then I just did like eight cruise ships the next year to make up for it. So you went from Christianity to cruise ships. Sometimes I feel like an imposter, and then I go, I've done literally every gig that you could possibly do. Like I've done churches, I've done corporates, I've done clubs, I've done colleges. I've done cruise ships.

I have done everything. And I'm glad that I have, because now I know there are so many different ways you can make a living as a stand-up. I mean, when I did cruise ships, I was miserable. I could not have done more than I did. But the guys doing these cruise ships, they're happy. That's their life. They're like, in three months I have a land gig.

I'm like a land gig. I've got to get out of here. It's a way different. The bar is very different. Yes. To be on land. What? In six months, terra firma.

The nightmare that I've always heard about cruise ships, and I've never performed on a cruise ship. You'll get there. I'll get there. Trust me. I know my trajectory all too well. I will be on a cruise ship. You'll be on a cool Illuminati cruise ship, though, for celebrities.

Yes. Where the real money is. Yes. They'll all be wearing robes. Yes. I'll be nude. Why? That's my preference.

That was not anything they requested. Other people are wearing robes. I want to be nude. But no, the horror, apparently, of working on a cruise ship is that if it doesn't go well, you are trapped with the audience for six more days. Yeah. I would sleep all day until about five o'clock, which was right when the buffet opened, and then I would get to the buffet right when it opened, so there weren't a lot of people

there yet, and I would eat very quickly, and I would put some fruit in a purse, and then I would go back to my room, and I'd squirrel that away, and then I would go do the shows, and then go back to my room, and then wait for everyone to go to sleep, and then I would go to the gym and walk around the ship while it was empty, and everyone was sleeping. I can't believe I got depressed on these, right? But it's almost like I wasn't. I'm always obsessed with where the good crowds are. Are the crowds pretty good?

Royal Caribbean. Are the crowds on a Royal Caribbean decent? Yes, they are, because the ones that I did, at least, they had a comedy club on the ship, which is, you know, it feels like a comedy club in, like, Toontown, where it's like, this is what a comedy club looks like, but it's like, you know. And you only had to do, like, 25 minutes with another comedian, and it's free. That's one of the free things you can do on the cruise ship, because it's all inclusive. So it was like, by the end of the week, everyone had, like, most of the people were coming

twice. So, like, the first half of the week, these guys would have the 25 minutes they did, and then the second half of the week, they would have, like, the ship 25 that they did, which was all about what ports we stopped in, and, like, the buffet, and all their ship jokes. Yeah, diarrhea. Yeah, of course. You gotta get to diarrhea. Who's got the emotium, right?

And it was, but I did some that you, there was no comedy club, you were just in, like, the piano bar, and you would perform stand-up, and it felt weird, and people were walking in and out, and there were kids at some, and so, like, Royal Caribbean was one that when I did, they had a comedy club, it was adults only, and you only had to do 25 minutes, as opposed to, like, 45 or something. So I only did maybe, like, seven weeks of it, but, and not consecutively, but by the end, I was like, these are the only ones I want to do. As long as I've been doing comedy in front of people, you get asked a lot to do benefits,

and there are a lot of benefits where they want you, especially if you're emceeing it or you're the host, they want you doing a lot of material while people are being served food, and that is, it's just something that I've always hated, is people eating their food and then occasionally looking up at me. While people are munching and you're trying to, you're doing your material, I find that to be like, there's some, if I go to the bad place when I die, I will be asked to do comedy and stand up in front of people and try and make them laugh for all eternity, and they'll be eating.

I think that's what it's going to be. It's going to be them eating, and noisy food, slurpy food. People having, like, weird Mediterranean soups while I'm performing. The silverware just paiting the plate. The clinking and clanking, and yeah, there's one guy I can see, I had to do something at the Waldorf Astoria, and they had this giant cavernous room, and this was, I don't know, like 25 years ago, and I was up there, and I had been, I was pretty new on the late night scene, and it was a much older crowd that wasn't thrilled to see me.

But I remembered a guy eating with his back to me, right in front of me, this older bald guy with thick glasses, and he was eating his food, and he just kept turning around occasionally and looking at me like, why are you speaking? I thought the Six Flags guy was nicer than that. What? I thought the Six Flags guy was nicer than that. It is the Six Flags guy. Surprisingly limber.

You know, I talk a lot about, I think there are things that are important for me to know, which is that everybody has imposter syndrome, and if you don't have it, something's wrong with you. Yeah, then you're a narcissist. Yeah, and I'm a narcissist. I'm just happy. I don't know. Probably.

This is what people in trouble, this always do, though, we always go, I mean, everybody feels terrible, right? And then you meet some healthy people, and you're like, so has anything bad happened to you? And they're like, not really. And you're just like, what? I was quite happy as a child. Yeah.

I was, I hate it when I meet someone who's really funny, who was a great athlete. Oh, I hate that shit. And because I'm just enraged, I'm like, no, no, this is my consolation prize. Yeah. I got this because I didn't have any of the other stuff. And now you're telling me that, oh, no, I mean, I got recruited. It was either male model or football quarterback, and I decided comedy, and it's just gone well ever since.

I don't want quarterbacks making callbacks successful. Nicely. Thank you. I wasn't athletic. That's why I'm able to give you gems like that. It's a marching band side effect. No, I hate meeting people who, I dislike people who are too happy and healthy and symmetrical. And I do try to dig for the trauma in their childhood so that I can like them as people,

which is my issue. And I know that. And we're working through it. You talked about, in your last special look at you, you talk a lot about darker periods of your life. It's probably something you, if you look at your trajectory, you couldn't have accessed that stuff earlier on in your career. I know your mom.

Oh, I tried. Your mom passed when you were. Eight. Jesus. Sorry about that. That's all right. Goddamn. That has to have had a moment, just a momentous effect on you.

Oh, yeah. I think for sure. Because anytime you succeed in some way, you know, you get a cone and set or you get on Netflix or what have you, or even personal things, there is a degree of sadness to it because you go, oh man, like the person that you would love to be here isn't here. And you're like trying to impress somebody who doesn't exist anymore. Like you don't realize that until you're older. You're like, oh, maybe I'm only, I do a joke about it and look at you.

I'm like, do you think I'd be this successful if I had a live mom? Because I really don't. Like, I saw my grandma recently and she was like, your mom would think this was so cool. She'd be in the front row. And I'm like, I wouldn't be doing this if mom was here. You don't think you would be? I don't know. I don't know that I would be because I sort of fell into it in high school and maybe

I would have, but I don't know. I think I probably would have just ended up being like a drama teacher or something and getting married or what? I don't know. I just, it's impossible to know, but I think about it a lot. And you have been pretty open about your mental health, things that you're doing to try and cope, take care of yourself, deal with it, which is something we end up talking about a lot on this show because, oh.

I couldn't, they were moving the drink away from me because I kept, I kept hitting it with my hand. Well, also we are, our main sponsor is an iced tea, you have an iced coffee and we're not allowed to air show or admit that iced coffee exists. And I kept jostling it like a goddamn unprofessional child. I love that we're in the middle of talking about this trauma in childhood and Adam Sacks runs over and moves an iced coffee away from you. You know what it felt like?

It felt like you guys were like, you know, you're not being that funny and we're gonna take something away from you until you get back on track. Stop talking about your mom that passed through eight. We're gonna take this iced coffee away from you. You know, this drink is for winners. We reward punchlines here at Conan O'Brien needs a friend. We count the laughs and this is a big shock to all of us, but when we got into your mom passing and your mental health struggles, the laughs started to dip and that means no

ice coffee for you. The levels went down. We are hemorrhaging money right now. I'm looking at a stock chart and we're now a publicly traded podcast and we're bottoming out. They've been mouthing at Conan behind me. Boring. Get out of it.

For the last five minutes. Let's compare. I mean, we both struggled. You lost your mom at eight. I still fly overwhelmingly commercial and I think because we've both were saddled with these, I don't, I want to say tragic turns. I think this is what helped me grow too. Yeah.

My mother left the earth and that man wouldn't turn around for your wall worth set. You know? I mean, I'm sorry. I see him. I see that man every day. I remember what he was eating. It was a breaded veal cutlet and he was chewing it aggressively while I was trying to do my bit about the mat and the wall door and you know, I just tell you one thing, the acoustics

there were not great. It wasn't ideal. You want more compression when you're doing comedy. Just getting back to it. Your mom's in heaven. I've performed in rooms that have high ceilings. The laughs just echo around up there and you don't get the satisfying punch. Did you get when you're in a small club?

So let's review. You lost your mom at maybe the most impressionable age. I often fly commercial and had a bad experience at the wall door Astoria doing a charity gig for which I was not paid. Who's to say who suffered more? I don't know. Can we have listeners, listeners tell us. I think it's close.

Can we do an Instagram story poll, please, right now, just to settle it was a you were new to late night. Everyone was in a boat. I mean, I wasn't paid quite what I get towards the end of my run. So you got to factor that into, I don't know, let's just call it a draw, let's agree that it's a draw. It's fair. It's funny you say that because I don't know that I getting back to if it's possible to

get back to it. I don't know if it's possible. You'll never know had things been different, had your road been different. What I always settle on is I'm very happy. It always feels miraculous to me that I found this, the path that I found. And I think it's, I don't know, miraculous that you found your way to comedy and it doesn't feel like an accident. It doesn't feel, I feel like you would have done that in any universe.

I think you're, I think I do, I think you're meant to do this. I hope I'd be Spider-Man in any version of the multiverse. The multiverse. Yeah, I would, I would hope so. But you know, when I was a kid, I didn't know stand up was a thing. That's another part of growing up so sheltered and religious is like, I don't know. I mean, I think we listened to Brian Regan, but I don't even know that I knew what he was doing.

I was just like, this guy is really funny. And then I think I saw like a comedy time video on YouTube when I was like 12 and I was like, what is that? I Googled stand up comedy because it was in the description and I was like, they're just talking into a microphone in front of people. Is this a, is this some sort of wedding toast? Like, I really didn't know how people knew how to do this job before podcasts and the internet and all that.

What shows were you watching when you were a kid that inspired you? Oh gosh, I don't, to do stand up? Or just to be or in comedy, just sort of lit up your brain. What was lighting up your brain? I don't even know. Probably nothing cool. It doesn't have to be cool. It can be Alph.

I'm sorry to put you on Alph. I don't even know. I was like watching Gilmore girls, but that was like, which is funny. Gilmore girls is funny. Oh yeah. Yeah. Gilmore girls is very good. I just, it's so much dialogue.

It's so much dialogue. And there's never a second of quiet. And all the dialogue is, it's very beautifully written, but it interlocks. So exactly. Yeah. And there's no, there's never as, no character of it goes, well, it sure is fun being a Gilmore girl. A terrible line.

I think that's a great line. It sure is fun being a Gilmore girl. And then they wink at the camera. Yeah. We said it. Let's go walk to that fake center of town with the Xebo. It doesn't exist anywhere. Even people that like work at Disneyland are like, what the fuck is that?

The Xebo? Yeah. It's like a Xebo and there's always Christmas lights out. Oh man. There's no crime. Yeah. I think when I was like 13, I was watching Gilmore girls and going like, okay, how do I be this witty?

Like I just wanted to be witty and attractive. I wasn't trying to be like a standup comedian yet. I think when I saw, I might have watched this in college because I didn't know that I wanted to do standup professionally. When I started doing it, I just knew I loved it and I felt like myself on stage and I was terrified and I'd horrible stage fright and would get physically ill before I did shows which were not consistent. It wasn't like I was going up every night.

I was going up a few times a month or something in high school and I didn't know that I could and I went away to college when I was 17 and while I was there, I went to school in San Luis Obispo and I didn't have anywhere to do standup and I remember I saw the improv team perform and I was like, I don't think I can do that because I don't like or respect other people but I'm not collaborative as a person. No, I was just too much of an introvert. I didn't think I could do it. And I remember I got paid by a church in San Diego to like flew me back to do standup.

It was the first time I'd done it in a couple of months and I was like, oh, I got to get out of here and then I transferred to like a community college near San Diego so I could do standup but I had no idea that that was something that I could do and even if I liked doing it, I was like, well, I'll just like get married to my college boyfriend and be a teacher and then do standup on the weekends to feel something and really thought that's what I was going to do. And then I remember when I was like 19, 20, I met another comedian who had also started when he was 16 and was like going up every night and he was like, hey, like you're good

but you don't go up enough. If you don't like make it as a comedian, that's your fault. And it was only then that I started going up all the time as much as possible. So at one point I was like working and going to school and like driving to San Diego to do shows. I had to really almost be like dared to do it because I was so afraid and had a such a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of me doing it. And then the weird flip side of that is sometimes actually not just sometimes it happens quite

a bit, you're out there and things aren't going your way and you just take this wild stab at something and that's joyous when you figure something out in front of people. They kind of sense it. They sometimes sense that, oh, wait a minute, this is really happening right now. I don't know what humans have this sixth sense when they really know that you're riffing for real and not faking it. Yeah, it's why it's so hard to run late night sets before you do them because the audience can tell you are rehearsing something very specific and you want to get the timing down

perfectly so you don't want to riff or be in the room as much. And that's when things feel really magical and connected is when you're just in the room and kind of open to whatever. Even if you don't end up riffing or doing crowd work or anything, that feeling of anything could happen and I'm comfortable and I'm here with you guys and I'm making eye contact is so different and I think audiences do pick up on it. That was one of the things I found about that tour that I hadn't had a lot of experience with was memorizing a set and doing it.

I found that the joy always came during the Q&A. Well this thing I do about my ancestry.com does well every night and gives me this laugh but it's not nearly as fun as the thing I found with that 13-year-old kid in the audience who wanted dating advice. That really, that was much more joyous than the thing that I had worked on and crafted. Do you remember that Sunday there was a kid in the audience in one of the shows? I can't vaguely remember. There was a boy and he wanted dating advice.

Maybe he was like 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember the advice that you gave? First of all, I think I went to great lengths to tell him, man, was he barking up the ranch? Yes, I remember that. You just came to Hugh Hefner for advice about monogamy, you idiot. I don't know. What the fuck do I know?

But you got married before you were successful, right? No. You didn't. Oh, God, no. No one would have me. My wife made it quite clear that it was only because I had achieved some success and I was interested. No, I, well, I mean, I got the late night show when I was 30 and I got married when I was

38. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, so I was just out there constantly. Yeah. You can't name a celebrity. I didn't sleep with a man or woman. That's what everyone says about you.

You can't. Jean Rayburn match game. No idea. Yeah. No idea who that is. Well, okay. Let's just say he and I went at it, heavy. All right.

Yeah. Congrats. Alf. Back to Alf. Fucked him. Fucked Alf. Yeah. At the height of Alf's fame.

So, I was, yeah. The height of Alf's power. So, yeah. The height of Alf's power. I remember it feeling like when you're in a room with Alf in a club, no one's looking at you. Yeah. You just go away.

It was, I was humiliating. I have a question not to ask you for, it's not really advice, I'm just curious. When you were just, here we go, that was such a long side. I'm just preparing myself for some humiliation. No, no, no. It's a night. Look, I get, I'm not doing a bit, I'm really asking. When you were doing your show and you weren't married yet, did you become suspicious of

people who were interested in you? That's interesting. No. I don't think so. I think you can tell, for example, my wife when we were chatting, she talked to me way too long about my thesis in college. And I was like, no one, she can have anybody. She's way too interested in my thesis.

She can't fake that. I could tell that we were two nerds that really were vibrating on the same level. And also, over time, you realize anyone who's in a committed relationship with you, there's an easier way. I mean, you could just, there's easier ways to make it in life than to be with someone you abhor. So I think I put, I don't know, does that make sense? Yeah.

I get what you're saying, but I also understand what Taylor's saying, that there were moments that were probably hard for you to distinguish, but Liza's very obviously not interested in that aspect of it. No. I don't think she's a fan of what I do. But she was like, he seems like he's good dad material. He'll be good for the long haul. But yeah, I know what you mean, but I think, I don't know, I always felt like I trusted

my instincts that I would know the difference. And like I say, I have all these ways about me. You know, I will talk about the Civil War at great length, and there's a gold digger would not, they would eventually give up. They would say I really want these guys. I don't know. History podcast charts. There's an audience for that.

Yeah. I remember right after we got married, I said to my wife, I said to Liza, I know what we should do. It'll be romantic and fun. Let's drive through the state of Georgia and let's go to Plains and see where Jimmy Carter lived. And then I said, let's go and visit these battle sites. And then we can work our way up.

I want to see this, you know, Macon, Georgia, and I want to see, and then she was down for all of it, and this is after we got married, like, you know, and then I said to her at one point, all right, now it's six hours out of her way before we get back to Atlanta, but I want to go see the Andersonville. And she said, what's that? And they said, that's where was where all the confederate, the Confederate army kept the Union prisoners. And she said, what is it?

And I said, it's a big field where everyone died of diarrhea. And she said, yeah, we're not doing that. We're going back to the really nice hotel in Atlanta. And I want to see the diarrhea field. No. It's wrong with you. And you were like, I could have had anyone. Anyone.

Carmen Electra. I love my references, by the way. You know who would have gone to the diarrhea field? Alf. Alf would have been there. Alf and I would have done it on the diarrhea field. I am a sex symbol in late night television. It is my job to know every fluid that can exit a person's body.

I am a history buff and a student of anatomy. No. So I think those were my methods of shaking loose a gold digger. And I think, you know, I was probably with a few gold diggers and they were just like, I'm out. I'm out. Never mind. Yeah.

And they got a good story. Yeah. Exactly. Right? Yeah. I went out with the biggest nerd. And then it turns out he doesn't even have a plane. I'll get that.

That ends up on Dumois or whatever. I have a writer. A tall late night host really wants to go to the diarrhea field. I'm like, who could that be about? My third time at the diarrhea field and certain tall late night host is still here, he won't leave. Yeah, every time I have this writer, Matt O'Brien, who works with us, no relation, but he's constantly, whenever he sees me on Dumois, which is that website that has like celebrity

sightings, he calls me up. And so far it's always been the same thing. What is it? I'm at this sushi restaurant getting sushi with my family. That's it? And it's like every time and it's the most boring entry and then the fifth time the person said, this guy really likes his sushi, I'm like, wow, this is going to go right to the inquirer.

I love that Matt checks that regularly. He checks Dumois regularly to see if I'm eating enough fish. I have to tell you, I'm very proud that I got to share a stage with you and I'm a huge fan of yours and as I said, my favorite people are young people who are proving what's always been true, which is if you work really hard and you take your craft seriously, the rest takes care of itself. And that's your story. And so I'm sorry that you haven't lost your syndrome at times, but I also think that sadly

it may be the secret sauce. I know. Well, and I'm so appreciative of you having me on your show, your tour, this podcast. And yeah, it's very surreal and I'm always glad when I meet somebody in this business who's so many people's hero that is not a dick and is like humble and cool and gives back to younger people. It's just like, yeah, it's very cool. And I know everybody comes on this podcast and sucks your dick, so I don't want to be,

you know. It started with Alph. Not like that. I meant, you know, compliments wise. Oh, you don't meant literally. I was using slang everybody. You know how I see. It's going to end up on Dumois.

Oh, shit. Dumois. It's a certain tall redheaded host and a puppet. We're getting it on in the men's room. No, but I never, I don't want to, you know, gush too hard and make you uncomfortable or be. That's why Stone is here. So we say, no, no, no, he is a dick.

Trust me. Yeah. Yeah. He just knows how to cover it up for a little period of time. Well, in small doses, you are lovely. Let's end on that. Taylor, seriously, please come back. I'd love to talk to you anytime.

This was really fun. And next time, bring that doll. Oh, I will. I wonder how she's doing. Is she displayed prominently somewhere in your home? She's in a box because I'm scared to touch her. I'm genuinely scared because their hair gets matted very easily. So I keep her in the box.

All right. I'll buy a brush and then maybe take her outside. It's got creepy fast. You're right to have an imposter syndrome. You're an imposter. All right. Thank you, Taylor. Thank you.

OK, last week, we had to split this into two because it was just too important. We didn't want to. We wanted to take the time that it needed. Two of us voted to just stop talking about this. But Matt Gorley does all the editing and he, I guess, has more power than we do. And he outvoted us and said, no, let's keep talking about James Bond Arcana. Yep. So this is a quiz on songs that were done by popular musicians or bands that were rejected

as James Bond theme songs. Can I ask you a quick question? Sure. And this is for my own edification. Does this mean that a bunch of artists were asked or did these artists just blindly say, hey, I think I have a good idea for a Bond song and they prepared it and they recorded it and sent it in and it got rejected because that would be humiliating. I think for the most part they were all asked.

I believe Johnny Cash is the one that did it unasked. Right. Yeah. That's amazing to, if you're a huge group, huge singer, huge star and you're asked to do a Bond song and then they get it and go, eh, yeah, Radiohead because we've already covered that. Yeah. But I mean, maybe they just sent in a bunch of weird noises.

It is a little. I mean, I love Radiohead but quite a while ago they started, you know, God bless them. God bless them. Yeah. They were recording like an elevator engine and then playing it backwards. That's kind of what this is. It's a little, it doesn't quite land. Yeah.

Because they don't kind of want you to. It's like, yeah, you either think this is cool or you're dead to us. Okay. Let's get back into it. Murderer, the year is 2008. The film, the much divisive, Quantum of Solace. Oh. Quantum of Solace.

Very flawed script. Well, there's a writer strike but otherwise it's aging well. Is it? Yeah. I watched it. I didn't think it made sense. There were parts of it where they clearly don't have script pages because there was a writer strike and there's a whole 10-minute sequence where you can see Daniel Craig waiting

for the next page. And then they hand it in on camera and he quickly looks at it and he makes his nose wrinkles like he smelled something bad and then he says, I mean, that's terrible. Go back and look at it. It's 42 minutes in. Go back. I never saw it. Okay.

Here are your four options. Yeah. 2005. Yeah. You were only three years off. Okay, thank you. You just said it. I can do math.

Coldplay, Dame Shirley Bassey, the Brian Setzer Orchestra or Sir Paul McCartney. So no. Yes. I'm just going to say Shirley Bassey. That's correct. Good for you. That was great. Don't do that.

Don't do that. No. I'm happy for you. Well, you got one right. Oh my God. That's nice. Is it when you take the wind out of your sails? Is that a thing?

Is that a thing? That's what you just did to me. I was really excited and then you ruined it for me. You're so happy. I said good for you. Now we talked about this song because whether or not this goes on this episode or not, but someone on this podcast did a Bond song and that was after the Shirley Bassey one was rejected and it went to Amy Winehouse, then Jack White and Alicia Keys.

Yeah. That's cool. Well, you can hear that one. It's good. Okay. Can you imagine? I mean, you and I should work hard. I'm not kidding to get a Bond song, I mean, at least to write it, they're not going to

let me sing it because it's going to take people out of the movie like, oh, shit, that's Conan. I can tell it's him singing. I wish he was in the movie. Boo, he's not. And then the movie's a flop, first Bond movie to flop. So that can't happen. But I do think you and I should write a Bond song.

It's just minor chords. That's all you got to do. Yeah. A lot of E minor. A lot of E minor in that. Regional A minor. Can you write one without putting jokes in it? Can you write a sincere Bond song?

Of course I could. No, you can't. No, I would just access my emotional core. We're going to be fine. Yeah. And it's a Bond song. Some of them are just ridiculous. That's true.

That's true. Have you ever heard the lyrics to the man with the golden gun? They're insane. It's about like ejaculating. Is it really? Yeah. Or does he have a gun that shoots ejaculate? It works both ways.

Every time I talk like this, you're like, oh, you're bringing down the podcast. Oh, no, I just brought it up. I just hit it over. Hello. I know the difference. Yeah. Okay. So speaking of the man with the golden gun, 1974, man with the golden gun.

Yes. Queen. Mm-hmm. Alice Cooper. Mm-hmm. Meatloaf. Or Rod Stewart. I'm going to go with Rod Stone and Rod Stewart.

That's incorrect. Okay. I'm going to just say Queen because I love them so much. That's incorrect. I'm going to do it again. So Alice Cooper or Meatloaf? What year is it again? 1974.

Sonya. Alice Cooper. That's correct. I was going to say, well, you know what? It's too early to be Meatloaf. No, you didn't say. Well, no, I'm just, hold on. I'm just saying you've got to calm down, Sonya.

It's too early to be Meatloaf. Meatloaf hasn't hit yet. Okay. Yeah, but you didn't answer it. Oh, no, I don't. So all your reasoning is a meatloaf. Well, these games, I'm sorry, games are beneath me. I'm a Roman emperor watching all of you scuttle in the...

It's because we're tied now. Yeah. Okay. So I'm out of options and we're tied. Yeah. Maybe what we could do... Well, you know, what we could do, because it doesn't always have to be a winner, and either way, I win.

I mean, I just win at life. The point is... Yeah. It was too early for Meatloaf. It was. 74 is way too early for Meatloaf, and I often think it's too early for Meatloaf. That's my motto in life. If I could get one thing written on my body, it would be, it's too early for Meatloaf.

You know what? Someone's going to come up to me who's heard the podcast and go, it's too early for Meatloaf, and I'm not going to know what they're talking about, because I forget everything after we're done here. That's the title of our Bond song. Yes. It's too early for Meatloaf. All right, Conan, you just won.

Congratulations. Thank you. I always do. Wow. I always do. You've lost several times. We certainly lost listeners. We're bleeding.

We're bleeding listeners. We're hemorrhaging listeners. Sorry about that. We'll get back on track, but that was informational. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a favorite Bond song? Yeah, I guess.

Well, it's hard to beat Live and Let Die, but I think Skyfall is really creeping up there, but the instrumental for Honor Majesty Secret Service is amazing, because that's the only one without lyrics. It's just John Berry. Right. Yeah. Do you watch a Bond film every day? Yeah.

Wake up to it. Yeah. So it's not even, it's not a sound that you wake up to, you wake up because a projector turns on. Yes. And you watch a full 85-minute Bond film. Sometimes I hire live actors to do a stage show. Too late for that.

Yeah. It's nice. And then you get a little massage afterwards. Hello. Why do you get a massage? Who massages you? Have you had a massage from Timothy Dalton? I have.

Oh, my God. Incredible. He gets right in there, right where the shoulder blades, in between the rolled-up. He says that no matter of faculty. He's amazing. At least people do a show for him. He has really strong hands, but he also knows where to apply the pressure. God bless you, Timothy Dalton.

God bless you. Sometimes he'll rub like your scapula with that little cleft in his chin. Oh, God. It is so gross. You know what? Why have you stopped looking at me? No, but so many times, he's so good at getting the cleft right in. Because the little, you know, sometimes the little knot that you have, he gets that cleft

right over it. It's like running a credit card. It is. It's like running a credit card. Yeah. And I think about that all the time when I look at Timothy Dalton's chin, when it's rubbing up against my back. Oh, I just looked.

We lost our last listener. Yeah. Wait. They're coming back. Nope. Nope. They turned around and walked away. Is he still alive?

Timothy Dalton? Yeah. Yes, live in a well. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Only two bonds are dead. Roger Moore died on my birthday. Oh, fuck.

That's awful. I can't think of anything worse. And you know what happened? It was on my honeymoon, too. It's because you went to visit him. He's such a bond fanatic. He went to visit Roger Moore. He went to visit Roger Moore on his birthday, rang the bell.

Moore, who was just recovering from his seventh heart attack, opened the door and he went, surprise. It's my birthday, James Bond. Roger Moore fell dead. You killed it? He killed James Bond accidentally. Oh, man. Yeah.

I was surprised. Man, Sean Connery died on your birthday because he was surprised at the door by someone in a loincloth and said, I love you, 007. The point is, the remaining four. You freak. Look out. Don't answer the door on Goorley's birthday. For all the surviving James Bond, do not answer your door on Matt Goorley's birthday.

Oh, man. And if you do, make sure that you have CPR equipment with you. Defibrillators and a surgeon. Just you waking up in the morning all excited because it's your birthday. On my honeymoon. And then, like, looking at the phone and just be like, oh, what? Yeah, no. Bond died.

I love the bond. Maybe my favorite Bond, too. What? I know. It gets worse. No. It gets so much worse. He gets too, like, Percy at the end.

No. He's like that. He does. The silly Bond. In the last one. Oh, man. I think he's like 72. I'm sorry.

He's 72 during the last year that he plays James Bond, or maybe 82. I'm not sure. But they literally show him. It's the one that has the, there's an acrobat. A view to a kill. Yeah, a view to a kill. And there's an acrobat in it. You know, there's a woman who's a gymnast.

Remember that? Well, there's Grace Jones, who does, like, martial arts. No. I thought there was a woman. You thinking of octopus-y? No. I never think of octopus-y. I do.

I do. I'm thinking of it right now. I'm so sorry. I'm laughing so hard. That's okay. It's just. Look, I understand what Roger Moore is. What I'm saying is he, I think in his last James Bond, he actually, like, drapes a coat

over a sleeping woman's shoulder, you know, while she's passed out, because he's become completely asexual towards the end. He does bake a quiche in this movie. Oh. In view to a kill? Yeah. Also, it's got the worst, they felt like they needed to say a view to a kill in the movie. Yeah.

Which you don't. No. You don't have to say a view to a kill. No. But they're in a zeppelin and they're riding towards their target, and someone says, wow, quite a view. Yeah, Grace Jones. Yeah, Grace Jones has quite a view.

And then Christopher Walken says, yeah, a view to a kill. He, like, looks into the lens when he says it. I don't remember anyone saying, it sure is Thunderball in Thunderball. So what the fuck? I don't understand. Why did they feel the need to do that? I don't know. That's a good question.

We've got to get this title in. Yeah. Does anyone ever say quantum of solace and quantum of solace? No, they never do. No, because you can't. Because it doesn't mean anything. Although it's the bad, like, the new specter's called quantum. I know.

But anyway, look for that moment. Well, I'm not interested in James Bond, so let's wrap this up. I'm sick of this. I hate it. All right, well, this was, I think, a two-hour segment. Yeah, it was so long. Oh, my God. Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Yearwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair,

and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Beckton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

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