Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Taylor Tomlinson Returns
Episode Date: April 29, 2024Comedian Taylor Tomlinson feels thrilled about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Taylor sits down with Conan once more to discuss her late-night show After Midnight, practicing reading off a teleprom...pter, useless advice from Stephen Colbert, and why entertainment is the best field for a workaholic. Plus, Conan goes behind the scenes of his viral Hot Ones experience, and later, Sona and Matt catch up on the street as they hunt for their respective cars. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hi, my name is Taylor Tomlinson and I feel thrilled about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
That's really sweet.
Yeah.
That's very nice.
Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose,
climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
And got my two chums with me right here.
Hi.
Oh, sorry, let me put my glasses on.
Oh, Matt, you're here too.
Gosh.
No, Matt Gourley, of course, here,
and Sonam Obsession.
Yeah.
How are you?
I'm doing great.
How are you?
I'm doing great.
Are you?
I am.
Okay.
A lot of people are asking me, how do I feel?
Are you okay?
I am fine.
You ate a lot of spicy food on Hot Ones.
Yes, I went on the show Hot Ones,
and I did not, I was aware of the show,
obviously it's a very successful show.
I hadn't really, can't say I was an expert on the show.
I went in thinking, well, whatever happens,
I just have to eat all the wings,
and just go for it and make a fool of myself.
And so that's, I kind of had that plan in mind,
but didn't know much beyond that.
The host, very good, excellent.
I like that guy a lot.
He's a very good interviewer.
Yeah. He is.
And they do a really good job on that show.
So Sean's asking me questions and I was just determined
to just keep stuffing these wings in no matter what.
And then of course, me being me, I start drinking the sauce
and rubbing it around on my face and my chest and everything.
And so when I walk around now,
because a lot of people have seen this,
people keep asking me if I'm okay.
I wonder the same thing.
Well, I also just watched Conan Must Go,
which is fantastic, by the way.
And in Thailand, you get pretty floored,
albeit comedically, by some sauce.
So I thought you're gonna go down when I see hot ones.
Yeah.
No, well, we played that up for comedy
and then, and you're allowed to,
in a sketch world or comedy world,
you can fake things a little bit.
I'm aware of it.
Yes.
Is that how comedy works?
Comedy works, really?
I really, when I look at you two,
I think an explanation might be in order.
So what's the deal?
Do you not have taste buds or something?
How did you do that?
I have never seen you eat spicy food.
I don't eat spicy food.
You know, there's people who like put Tabasco
or Tapatio on stuff.
I've had so many meals with you
and I've never seen you eat spicy food.
I have a theory is that the only thing worse
than that amount of thermal spice
would be you not somehow getting the attention
that eating all of that would give you.
Yes, and all joking aside,
and also I've had a bunch of people posit
that I have the red hair gene.
When I go to the dentist and they give me Novocaine,
they then go to drill and it's like,
I haven't had Novocaine.
And I'm always saying, I feel everything right now.
And they always say, oh yeah, you're a redhead.
I don't know if that's, but I've had many dentists say that to me
and they keep, they give me a lot more.
And they say that redheads have whatever,
higher pain threshold or something.
I don't know what it is.
Meaning you feel less pain, you feel more pain.
You feel nothing.
Well, you don't feel,
I don't know exactly how it works
and I'm just freewheeling here.
I just know what I've been told by people.
I don't think it's it.
I think you have it, Matt just know what I've been told by people. I don't think it's it.
I think you have it, Matt, which is I've always been,
if I think something will be funny,
I'll do it and deal with it later.
And did you?
Yeah, I did deal with it later.
I was dealt with later.
How did it manifest itself?
I've spot welded an iron.
I spot welded it. We're all thinking the same thing.
I spot welded, I went to it, I went,
I wanted it to be useful.
What and how much did you shit?
How much did your butt hurt?
Here's what I decided to do.
And do you have butt taste buds?
Here's what I decided to do.
I decided that I wanted, after I ingested all that,
I wanted it to be useful.
So I found
a construction site where they were doing spot welding. And I went there and I said,
gentlemen, if you want, I can weld these girders for you in about, I'm guessing about 15 minutes.
You'll need to avert your eyes because I'll be dropping my pants.
And they said, okay, and I said, I will need someone to stay behind and light it, and then
we'll be all set to go.
So there's a building in the mid Wilshire district that's going up, and I think I did
about 65 rivets in the building.
And people were driving by saying,
Conan O'Brien, his pants are around his ankles,
and I think fire is shooting out of his ass,
and he's welding a building.
And here's the biggest problem.
I had to join the union.
But that way everybody wins.
There's a building, and trust me,
that section of the building will never fall.
That's the best.
And they've had an engineer say, whoever did this,
these are heat temperatures we've never seen.
So every time you're gonna weld something,
you just have to eat a lot of hot wings?
Yes, I'm in the union now.
And all I have to do is,
I've got all the sauces from Hot Ones.
You are the saddest X-Man ever.
Yeah.
Meet the X-Men!
Really? He's on the X-Men? What do we do with him?
His name's Assweld.
And I just, and you know what it is?
I have a bandolier, and instead of ammunition,
it's just sauces.
Oh!
And they're like, what are we gonna do?
How are we gonna get out of this thing?
The bad guys have sealed us in this lead safe.
Hold on a second.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Boom.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
It's a pull your pants down?
You have to pull your pants down.
Does your uniform have a compartment?
Oh, yeah.
The uniform has what's actually, it's a very tiny flap
that's the exact circumference of an anus.
Oh.
It's a tiny circle that unfla's the exact circumference of an anus
It's a tiny circle that unflapped and then just a beam of the whitest light you've ever seen comes out
phosphorus of phosphorus, yeah and
And everyone has to put on welding goggles
But but no I did well if you've known like there are many times where I've done
I would do sketches and they would if I think it's funny to get thrown out of a window Oh God. But no, I did, well, if you've known, like there are many times where I've done,
I would do sketches and they would,
if I think it's funny to get thrown out of a window,
even at my age, I will say, no, no, no, I wanna do it.
Jeff Ross always goes, oh, come on, come on,
don't, let's get on, I'm like, no, no, I wanna do it.
You're the Tom Cruise of comedy,
where he does action that way, you will do comedy that way.
Yeah, but he does it well.
And he does cool things.
But he does cool things, but I love to still,
because I don't know, I was in a lot of brothers
and I like to be tossed around,
I like to smash through things, I'm very happy to do it,
and then if I feel something give,
I'll just keep doing it if I think people are laughing.
And we used to have years on the show,
it'd always come out in animal segments
because people would come and they would bring,
I don't love, you know, I get creeped out around snakes
and I get creeped out around insects and spiders.
They would bring them and I would say,
oh no, no, just put it on my forehead.
And I would do it because audiences really liked it.
And I knew, oh, in a single, this is funny.
But in real life, if there's no one there to laugh at it,
I would be horrified and never do it.
So what was the immediate?
The immediate response to the being on was,
I think my eyes were incredibly runny
and my mouth really hurt.
The thing that was the most interesting
is that my wedding ring, some sauce,
because I was rubbing my hands around in the sauce.
Yeah, you rubbed it on your nipples.
And some got, cause you washed your hands right afterwards,
but some of the sauce got underneath my wedding ring.
David Hopping was driving me home and he was like,
are you okay?
And I'm like, I'm fine.
But I noticed that my wedding ring was burning.
And it hasn't, well, it hasn't burned like that
since they put it on me at the altar.
Ah, take that, Blayza.
It was burning and burning.
And then I took it off and I saw like, oh right,
there's acid underneath it.
So, but the craziest thing about that is that the hot ones
generated all these nice things that people were saying
online and retrospective about,
oh, I really liked the thing Conan did in 98.
I liked the thing he did in 2004, which is all very sweet.
But I had a bunch of friends who saw my name
all over Twitter and the first assumption is he's dead.
So I did have people say, oh my God, I thought, finally.
We can all talk now.
Liza immediately got into another relationship.
Immediately.
She has a guy on deck, for sure.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Can I also say Jose was so funny as the doctor.
Oh, okay.
He really made me laugh a lot.
So this is the story of that.
Jose Arroyo is extremely talented comedy writer,
and Jose's been a writer for me for years,
and he's worked on travel shows and the show,
and he's just, he's brilliant.
Jose's brilliant, and I love him to death.
Jose, whenever we did a sketch where someone had to be
in a white coat and be an authority figure,
like a scientist or a doctor, Jose would play that.
And so I, the day before,
or maybe two days before Hot Ones, I thought,
I don't think anyone's done this,
but I want to show up with my physician, Dr. Arroyo.
So I call Jose and I said,
Jose, I'm going to go on this show Hot Ones.
He's like, yeah, I know Hot Ones.
And I said, and I love Jose
because he just knows exactly when,
and so I want to bring you on.
And he's like, yeah, yeah, you're a doctor. And I said, and I love Jose, cause he's just knows exactly, I went, and so I want to bring you on. And he's like, yeah, yeah, you're doctor.
And I said, and I said, you know,
we're not even doing a show, you know,
Jose's not working for me technically right now.
I said, do you have a lab coat?
And he went, yeah, I have a medical coat, yeah.
And he's not a doctor.
And he's like, and he's got a stethoscope
because he knows, and if anyone wants to see him,
one of the reasons I really wanted him to do that
was because Jose, we shot a segment,
we did a travel show in Australia
and we're on Bondi Beach, which is,
and there's that iconic shot,
there's that famous lifeguard show that's from Bondi Beach.
And so I wanted to train to be a lifeguard there.
So we got an iconic shot of me running
on the beach in slow motion, and then you widen out, and I'm running running on the beach in slow motion and then you widen out
and I'm running with my dermatologist in slow motion
who's running alongside me.
And it was Jose in full Doctor Arroyo regalia.
So if you wanna see a very funny clip, look up,
this must be out there somewhere.
Yeah, it's definitely out there.
The funniest line he had on the hot ones was.
So many.
You go like, what did you study?
And he goes, in the nineties. In the nineties. Yeah, where did tough being out there. The funniest line he had on the Hot Ones was. So many. You go like, what did you study?
And he goes, in the 90s.
In the 90s.
Yeah, where did you, where did you go to school?
Yeah, where did you go to school?
In the 90s.
Yeah, in 1990.
When he checks your pulse and he just chokes you.
Yeah, and he says, it's God.
No, he is so funny and eternal thanks to Jose Arroyo
and also just another, he is brilliant across the board.
He's a great writer,
but he's also a really funny cartoonist.
He's had cartoons in the New Yorkers a couple of times.
I think one time I gave him an idea for a cartoon
and he drew it up and submitted it
under both our initials and it got in.
And I was like, I was delighted.
Jose is a force.
I just wanted to quickly ask,
was there a moment at which you were like, this is a bad idea while you were wanted to quickly ask, was there a moment
at which you were like, this is a bad idea
while you were doing it?
No, I don't know.
I got through a bunch of the wings, and I thought,
I can do this.
And even if I can't do it, I'm going to do it.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
You're in the zone.
You're in the zone.
Because early on, I'm taunting Sean.
Oh, baby, think through.
And so once you do that, there's only one way you can go. You can't stop after the fourth wing
and then start talking about,
you know, I'm really excited about my new project.
Exactly.
Did I have to smash everything?
Probably not.
Did I have to rant and have milk come out my mouth?
Not sure.
Yeah.
But those are things that you do
so that your children never look you in the eye again.
Anyway, we should get into the show
because we have a wonderful show.
My guest today is a hilarious comedian.
So funny she does not have to resort.
This is such bullshittery.
She hosts after midnight weeknights on CBS.
Her latest special, Have It All,
is now streaming on Netflix.
I am thrilled.
She's here today.
Taylor Tomlinson, welcome.
I have a very clear memory of the first time I met you,
which is you showed up on the tour.
I don't remember which city it was,
but they said Taylor's here and she's not well.
You were really sick with some bug.
And I went back and you were about as sick
as anyone I've ever seen.
Right.
You were quite ill.
And I was like, oh my God, this poor woman.
Physically and mentally.
Physically and mentally.
But we mean physically.
Yeah.
In this case.
And they said you were fine before I walked in.
And then, no, but you were really sick.
And then I said, are you okay to do it?
And you went, yep, I'm fine.
And then you went out and killed it. You were really sick and then I said, are you okay to do it? And you went, yep, I'm fine. And then you went out and killed it.
You were very, I mean, you're still really young,
especially, yeah, you are.
What are you talking about?
I'm 30, I feel like it's over.
30 is not like young anymore, is it?
To me, it is, you're an embryo.
You are a frozen egg, as far as I'm concerned.
I just have to keep clearing milestones
in order for people to think I'm young.
They're like, you're young for like a late night host.
I'm like, okay, that's great.
I watched your first episode this morning on YouTube
because you were 30, right?
I had just turned 30.
Yeah, same.
And you had the little calendar and it was September, 1993.
So six weeks before I was born.
Oh, that's so crazy.
Isn't that crazy?
Well, see, I think that puts into context
just how young you are, that my career, my show started
six months before you were born.
But I remembered you having, I was really impressed with,
obviously you had just amazing material,
but you would march out there, and you had just amazing material, but you would march
out there and you were at the time, 20, 21, it was a long time ago.
I was 24, I think.
Okay, 24.
And I had done your show when I was 23.
You had done, no, you had done my show, but you marched out, killed it, walked off stage,
was really sick.
Yeah.
And I was very impressed.
I said this to you in the hall and I said to myself, say that again on mic, but I wanna congratulate you
for like 15 things because you've just did
your third Netflix special, you have a late night show,
people have found you, you made this whole thing happen.
I'm so happy for you.
I want to start on that like nice note
and then we'll devolve into petty grievances.
That's so nice. That's really lovely.
But also you're terrific.
You're absolutely fantastic.
And I was just, I don't know,
everything that's been happening for you,
I just am watching now from the sidelines
and just saying, oh my God, yes, go Taylor, go.
This is totally deserved.
This is the right, all the best things are happening
to someone good and that doesn't always happen.
Oh, that's really nice.
We're gonna cut all this out, right?
No, no.
I'm deeply uncomfortable.
No, we're not recording.
All these compliments.
Oh, terrific.
I don't even mean any of this.
I'm practicing for someone I really like.
We have real stars coming on later this week.
This is sort of a warmup app for me.
This is for one of the Wayans brothers, you know?
I've just got this whole thing memorized.
I don't even know which one.
It kind of can go with any Wayans.
When you were doing your show,
did you ever have episodes where you're like,
oh, thank God, I'm not nervous to talk to this person at all.
Like, however this goes, it's fine.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's funny because I can talk shop with you,
which I love.
I mean, there's so many things to talk about.
I loved the special that you just did for Netflix.
And I thought there were so many, so many great jokes.
You had this thing that you said at one point,
my brother is trans, my sister is gay,
and I identify as afraid.
And I thought- Well, you really watched it. Yeah. No, I was- You know, my brother is trans, my sister is gay, and I identify as afraid.
And I thought-
Well, you really watched it.
Yeah.
No, I was-
You know, you started, you're like, it was great.
It was so you.
And I'm like, me, my nan, I watched it.
Well, no, I really identified with,
you tell a story and you're special.
I'm wary sometimes to not give away stuff,
but you tell a story that's really funny
about Hugh Jackman.
And I was watching it and I was really laughing
because you're talking about how he's like a surreal,
ethereal creature, you know, not of this earth.
And I have my own Hugh Jackman story,
which is not part of a Netflix special.
Pitched it many times.
You'll get there.
No.
You'll get there, don't worry.
They said, I think the quote is,
"'No appetite for Conan' on the algorithm."
But I mean, I've already given it away,
but I was in a gym, I was in Atlanta on some job
and in a hotel and I found out they had a gym
and I'm like, I'm trying to take care of myself lately.
I'm gonna hit the gym.
And I'm always inordinately proud of myself
when I can hit the gym, when I'm on the road or something.
So I hit the gym and there's this machine
where it sort of helps lift you up,
but you're kind of using your body weight
by not all your body weight, you know that one?
And you're kind of going up and down
and you're working your lats.
And I'm like, I'm doing a really,
and then I, in my peripheral vision,
became aware that someone was doing what I was doing,
but twice as fast and without the assistance
of the little hydraulic thing, like,
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
And I look over and I swear to God, it's Hugh Jackman.
He's lifting his own body weight
and he's got this perfect V-shaped torso
and he is the handsomest man you'll ever see.
And he turns to me and he recognizes me
because he had been on the show a couple of times.
He's just like, hey, how are you Conan?
Good to see you.
But didn't even break his stride.
And I had a little hydraulic thing going like,
I'll help you.
Wee aw, wee aw.
And I just looked at his body and looked at mine.
I think I called it quits.
I think I tried to see if they would open the bar
at 10 in the morning.
But I mean, there's so many things in your special
that I could relate to.
And the thing that I love so much about your comedy
is that you are so brutally honest,
but it's always to a purpose.
That's so nice.
Oh my gosh.
Again, this will all come out.
This was for Damon.
Yeah, no, we'll get rid of it.
That's for Damon Wayans.
That's so nice.
That's really, really nice.
But yeah, there's so much we can.
I know, it's like hard to know where to start.
I mean, I also have a lot of questions.
Well, I would love you to ask questions
because those are some of my favorite interviews
because it's about me.
Right.
Oh.
And how do I feel about Conan?
I love him, he's great.
I love Conan.
No, you don't.
What's that?
Oh, that's true. I have a. No you don't. What's that? Oh, that's true.
I have a lot of misgivings about Conan.
But you do-
You are a lovely name drop for me
when people are like, yeah, I love Conan.
I'm like, and then I just put on sunglasses
and start swirling wine and I'm like,
he's exactly what you want him to be.
He's just a great guy.
And you know Conan, I'm like, nah.
We toured.
We went on tour. We went on toured. We went on tour together.
We went on tour together.
We had some really good times.
We did some, we did some times on a bus.
You, I don't know.
It just felt to me like you arrived fully formed,
completely like you had it all.
It's not like, well, I saw you when
that banana is still kind of green.
It needs a little more time.
Like, no, no, no, you were just ready to go.
That's so nice. And what a great transition. It needs a little more time. Like, no, no, no, you were just ready to go. That's so nice.
And what a great transition.
Have it all streaming on Netflix.
Had it all, have it all.
We'll probably lose it all.
Yeah, that's really, really nice.
Yeah, I mean, obviously getting this late night gig,
which is so different than your show
because it's like a fake game show
and it's, you know, like a re-imagining of at midnight.
And there were a lot of people, because we did so much press
after it was announced before we were actually doing the show.
And so I did all these interviews where people,
like, weren't totally sure what it was.
Or like a lot of people online when it came out were like,
we thought this was a talk show and CBS screwed Taylor Tomlinson.
And I'm like, we were never doing a talk show, everybody.
Like I tour on the weekends,
like I'm not gonna do a show Monday through Friday.
But like, it's funny,
cause people keep saying like, oh, it's your show.
And I'm like, it's really not.
Like this is like, if anything, our show, like it's such a great team of people
and it's why I wanted to do the show
because I wanted to like have these coworkers.
It was like, I'm like, I wanna have fun
with all these people and make a new thing every day.
But like, they were asking me questions like,
so when you designed the set, I'm like,
I'm designing the set.
When you're booking the show, I'm like,
I'm booking the show.
They're like, well, when you hired the writers, I'm like, I didn't hire the writers When you're booking the show, I'm like, I'm booking the show. They're like, well, when you hired the writers,
I'm like, I didn't hire the writers
and I want them to like me so bad.
I'm like, I had no, I'm like,
I can't take credit for anything about this show.
I don't dress myself.
Like I show up, someone does my hair and makeup,
they put me in clothes.
I'm like an American girl doll,
but they just kind of cart around.
Like I really, I'm like, American girl doll, but they just kind of cart around. Like I really, I'm like everyone on that show,
I think probably has a harder job than I do.
And also like, I don't know if you felt this way.
I mean, you were using cue cards, right?
Yep.
Okay, we have a teleprompter.
It's like a little computer and they type out.
It's like a cue card, but it's a machine.
Like a machine?
Yeah.
Ah.
You know, I never had a machine. Yeah. Ah.
You know, I never had a teleprompter, ever.
Never?
No, because we changed things too much at the last second, and so we always did cards.
And so I just-
We changed things in the teleprompter.
Yeah, it's easier to just type it in, right?
Yeah.
He's just saying, lie to me.
They said, well, that can't happen on a prompter.
I think it was they just didn't want to buy one.
It was NBC and then Turner. They just didn't want to buy a prompter. I think it was, they just didn't want to buy one. It was NBC and then Turner.
They just didn't want to buy a prompter.
Yeah, cause I still have my Conan cue card
because they give it to you when you do a late night show,
which was very nice.
We want it back by the way.
Yeah.
Those things aren't cheap.
Well, now I know that how hard it was.
We got to cut a whole new one
cause you don't like that line.
Every time we wrote a new joke,
a tree fell in the forest somewhere.
But when I started doing,
when I did like the screen test and everything,
and even when I started doing the show,
everyone's like so impressed
when you can read a teleprompter,
to a point where I was like, do people think I'm dumb?
Like I know I didn't finish college,
but you wouldn't finish Harvard, you know what I mean?
Right, and I studied telepromptering.
Yeah.
But everyone was just like, it's really hard.
Some people don't know how to read teleprompters.
And I was like, okay, like I'll take any credit
you'll give me.
But this was, again, I was like so nervous about it.
I was practicing reading teleprompters on TikTok,
local news anchors will do like now
for a teleprompter challenge.
And so I was just reading like,
five car pile up on today's freeway,
like, but in a funny way.
I'm like, pretend like it's the show.
And they're like, let's see how fast you can read it.
There's all these little things.
And then there's the big thing.
The thing that no one's thinking about is
the advice you get,
this is the biggest name drop of all time,
for my generation anyway, but just before I started,
I got to meet Johnny Carson, and he knew that I was going
to be taking over the late night show, and he said,
just be yourself.
And I was like, OK.
Then I did the show for a couple months,
and no one liked it.
And I always pictured that Johnny Carson would call me
and say, I didn't know that that was you.
And he tried being me. would call me and say, I didn't know that that was you. ALL LAUGHING
Have you tried being me?
Could you maybe find someone else to be, yeah, be me.
But I always realized that it's more complicated
than just be yourself, because it's just be yourself
in the most artificial environment in the world,
which is three, two, one, and Taylor, go!
And it just took me a long time to realize, oh, this is the world, which is three, two, one, and Taylor go. And it just took me a long time to realize,
oh, this is the skill,
is I need to figure out how can I just be this person
that I am.
I didn't want to be a fake person.
I wanted to be a real person,
but in a freakish environment.
Yeah, yeah, no, I definitely, I mean,
I say to the live audience we have in studio sometimes,
cause I'll be like playing off the live audience we have in studio sometimes, because I'll be like playing off
the comedians we have on the show,
and then I have to go to the next game,
which is me reading the teleprompter.
And so we're like, oh yeah, it's great.
And then I go, all right, I have to go back
into teleprompter again.
And I know it's gonna feel jarring to just be like,
and yeah, totally, and we know each other.
In today's internet news, and it just feels, but you're like, okay, just everyone I know too,
and it's gonna cut together great.
-♪ The Best Thing Colbert Said To Me is before... I think the week before...
This is Stephen Colbert.
This is Stephen Colbert.
Okay, because I know.
I can't call him Stephen.
No, no, I just.
He feels disrespectful.
I only say that because I don't feel people know him
and the word's not out, but Stephen Colbert.
Okay.
And he has the show that's on before Taylor.
And it's fun.
Anyway, go ahead.
And shout out to Stephen.
I know he's a huge, he likes to just sit,
I think in a parking lot in his hometown
and just listen to this podcast over and over again.
I heard it was a hot tub.
It's a hot tub.
Yeah, he's had a hot tub in his car in a parking lot.
Anyway, it's all very sad.
But anyway, what did Steven Colbert tell you?
Steven Colbert, I remember we were at dinner
the week before the show came on
and he gave me a lot of great advice
and he has the entire time.
But one thing he said that was really helpful is he goes,
you don't have to be as good as you think you have to be,
like right away.
He's like, as a host of a late night show,
like people are just happy to see you.
Like people just wanna hang out with you at night.
Like you don't have to be hilarious every second.
And I was like, oh, okay, great.
Then I won't even try.
Like, it's awesome.
I think that philosophy has really hurt Stephen.
I just wanna say.
Because every time I see his show,
I think he's not even trying.
This needs to be better.
And I've told him, we're friends.
I tell him this all the time.
But he's always saying, no, I don't have to try.
It's okay.
People are just happy to see me.
And I'm like, no, raise the bar, man try. It's OK. People are just happy to see me. I'm like, no!
Raise the bar, man!
Well, that's the other thing, too, is like, he's like,
for example, he was like, so you should go out before the show
and like talk to the audience and like build some rapport
and like, you know, ask if anyone has any questions.
And I did that for the first couple weeks.
And I haven't said this to him, but I probably should.
Like, I've told other people, I was like,
I don't know if Stephen realizes he but I probably should. I've told other people, I was like,
I don't know if Steven realizes
he's much more famous than I am.
So people have questions for Steven.
Before his show, they're like,
oh, thank God, he's gonna talk to us.
And when I'm like, does anyone have any questions?
They're like, we know where the bathroom is.
We're good.
Can you just get on with it?
You know what?
You now made me really want to go
and sit at the audience of Stephen's show
and put my hand up and ask where the bathroom is.
I really want to do that.
Cause people in his audience come with questions
for him specifically and I go up and I'm like,
anybody have anything?
They're like, not really.
And I was like, great.
I was also going to ask, cause you didn't go into dressing rooms
before the show, right?
I did.
Oh, you did?
Okay.
Never came into mine, did the show twice.
Oh no!
Never said hi, but that's okay.
I was a standup.
No, I will tell you why.
When it was women,
I was told sometimes that my appearances were abrupt
and it almost looked like I was trying to catch them.
So I got a talking to. Remember, Sona, you talked to me.
You were the one.
Yeah, I was.
I was like, stop just barging in there.
With the men you knock and then you come in
and with the women you kick the door open and go,
what's going on?
No, I wouldn't do it all the time,
but I would, sometimes I thought if there was a guest,
especially if there was a guest that I wasn't sure
what the chemistry was gonna be,
I wanted to go in first and get a reading of like,
what is art?
And you can tell, like you can go in
and if I had a difficult time, I remember going in
and well, I can say Lance Armstrong years before his,
you know, scandal, he was on the show and he was like the biggest thing
in cycling and one of the biggest figures in sports.
And I was excited to have him on.
I didn't know anything about him personally.
And I went in to talk to him and he was very,
just kind of felt like he had a chip on his shoulder
and I couldn't connect.
And I can connect with a burnt out light bulb if I have to.
Like I can really connect if I, and I couldn't figure it out.
Lance, I have chemistry with everyone.
Yeah, I know.
This is not on me.
But I just, I said, yeah, your chemistry seems altered.
Oh boy.
But no, I left the room and you know,
my producer was eating a bowl of soup
and went, what's going on?
And I said, I said, Jeff, I don't know.
I don't know about it with Lance Armstrong.
And he was like, oh, I'm sure it'll be good, slurp, slurp.
And so then I, you know, we had the interview
and I felt the same thing.
You know, it's not, anyone would look at it now
and go like, oh, it's fine,
but I couldn't figure it out.
And I like to go in sometimes.
Sometimes there are people who are really nervous,
really nervous and sometimes surprising
because extremely famous actors.
I'm a huge, I mean, I love Joaquin Phoenix.
I love him.
I think he's a terrific actor.
And I think he was, what a lot of people forget
is that these people have a different skill,
which is he's an amazing actor,
but at that stage anyway, he would come on the show
and it was, he didn't do a lot of talk shows
and I remember he was really nervous.
Oh, wow.
So I would go in and just talk to him and he would say, this is crazy.
I can't do this.
And I thought, what are you talking about?
You're an iconic young actor.
They're going to be so happy to see you.
But it was not his process to go out and just shoot the shit with someone.
So sometimes I would go in and just let them know, first of all, the stakes are really
low.
It's just you and me.
I like to take care of people
and we're gonna have a good time.
And that would help if we had a relationship
prior to them coming out.
Yeah, I'm horrified to find out
you did go into everyone's dressing rooms,
except for mine.
Oh, apparently not yours.
Again, it was an HR issue.
But I only did it twice.
Yeah, I only did it twice, it's fine.
Third time is when I go in.
Tom Hanks came on many times,
first two times I wouldn't go in.
It was always gotta be third time.
But like Kelly Clarkson doesn't go in,
I mean, doesn't go into mine.
You know, now I don't know.
Can I just say, not to bun you up,
but Kelly Clarkson walks in here all the time.
No.
Just walks in to check in on us.
She stops by my house sometimes.
No, no, I know, she's incredible.
She inflated the tires on my mountain bike.
But both times I did, I did her show twice
and both times like she just makes you feel
so comfortable immediately on stage.
So you're like, oh yeah, it was fine
in the same way you did.
But like, yeah, I think everyone just has their own,
you know, process.
And so it's been interesting, like in the first month
that we're doing it, trying to find how it works best.
Everyone's got their own way.
Some people, I know Letterman never went in
and talked to anybody.
And I think he just wanted to keep it all fresh.
Right.
But I, it's all what serves you.
As you go through it, you're gonna realize,
I like this, this makes me comfortable,
this I'm less comfortable with and you can't judge it,
you just have to make sure that that's what happens.
So if something works for you and serves you, do that.
Yeah, well, it's also just interesting
trying to conserve your energy in the right way
and figuring out when you need to eat
and when you need to be quiet.
When you do a show, what happens eventually,
my wife used to say to me,
you realize your job is the organizing principle
of our family.
Everything where we live in the world, in the United States,
but also to this greater degree,
if I know my show is going on at 5.30,
I would know when I had to eat lunch.
I would know I couldn't eat after a certain point
because I didn't want to be digesting food
while I'm trying to talk to another,
one of the Waynes brothers, Keaton Ivory Waynes.
You don't want to be burping at Joaquin Phoenix.
You're going to be great.
Yeah, you'll be brats.
Sorry, massive bologna sandwich.
And then I would be so, if it was a good show,
my heart would be going like 180 beats a minute
for the next couple of hours.
And I would come home and my wife
who has these two little kids would be like,
we can't, you're like irradiated.
You just walked out of Chernobyl
and you wanna give everyone a hug.
You need to just go into a different area.
Yeah.
And I mean, you've seen me when I'm in this state.
Oh yeah, it's all the time after you do something.
I do something.
You're just always like, it's like you're amped up.
I'm amped up and so I'm talking a mile a minute
and I've got all this energy
and my wife's trying to put the kids to bed
and I'm like, hey kids,, oh, what's going on?
I shup-dup-duh, and I'm a fitty.
I would kill you.
I would kill you.
And the kids would suddenly be jumping around,
and I'd be like, that's good, good, now you try.
Come on, kids, the network's watching.
She's pulling you out of their room with a cane.
Yeah, exactly.
A long cane.
But it didn't work, and I would,
I couldn't fall asleep till like one in't work. And I would, I could, I couldn't fall asleep
till like one in the morning.
And it just, everything now,
because it's been two and a half years
since I ended my show, I can see,
I can see it now, but I, but at the time
when you're in it, you can't, you just,
you know that this is what the job is and you do it.
But it's only later on that you will see these things, but.
Well, and stand-up's the same way.
I mean, like, you have a great show,
you're done at 10 p.m., and then you're just buzzing
until three in the morning.
So it's actually been nice to finish by like seven p.m.,
usually like six or seven, and be like,
oh, I'll come down by like 10 p.m., which is nice,
unless I go do a set or something.
We did shows, I don't know, about a year ago at The Beacon.
Oh yeah.
And so it's the three of us doing a show for the podcast.
It's still, it's like, it's The Beacon's packed.
We're doing a show, I go out and open it.
What happened was we ended, the show ended late.
I remember I came backstage and you say hi
to a bunch of people who have come to see it.
You say hi to everybody and then everyone drifts away
and I was like, now we go, now we go out,
we hit a, we go to dinner, you know?
We get a drink and get some dinner.
I'm already in bed.
I know, me too.
You're in bed with, in your Dickensian night suit.
Yeah, a couple of them, a couple of them, layers.
And Sona disappears, and so I'm just saying to my producer,
what are we doing?
He went, I ate, and he's had his soup with him.
I gotta go.
And he was like, hey, I don't know,
I think everything's closed.
Anyway, see you tomorrow for the next show.
In New York City, everything's closed.
Everyone took off.
No, but seriously, I went around
and I was showing up at restaurants,
but now it's after 11, everything's closed.
And I was like, no, no, no, I need to go someplace,
make the waiter laugh against his will.
I need to like, hey, there's the chef.
Hey, chef, look at this bit I thought of, you know?
I got a, and there was no place to go.
And I was with my-
I imagine you doing one of those little routines
with the broom on the bare stage in the spotlight.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I was losing my mind and I was like,
it's New York City.
Sinatra said it's the city that never sleeps.
He didn't then go, except after 11.
Uh-huh.
I'm like, Sinatra and Trump towards the end.
I know, look what's that.
Sinatra sounded a lot like Trump.
Yeah.
He did.
In the end, he sounds like Trump.
You be a great new dollar, then.
New York, New York.
But anyway, that was,
I had nowhere to put all that energy.
And then finally, I think we made a place down at Lincoln,
I'm Columbus Circle.
I like, I made a place open up.
Oh, Jesus.
You made a place open?
No, no, I think they were closing
and I was like, come on.
And they said, okay.
And I went, hey, have you heard of this one?
I don't know what they're doing.
They all just wanna go home to their families.
We're trying to put our children to sleep.
This is their residence.
Yes.
This is not a restaurant.
Well, it's a restaurant now, fucker.
And in New York, that's not a, you know,
they're used to seeing famous people.
So they're like, oh, man, god damn it, Conan.
You got to go back on the road, because if you do that
in like, you know, Birmingham, Alabama,
they're like, yeah, we'll stay open all night.
This is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
Conan O'Brien's here.
Remember when we were on tour once?
This is the other tour.
Oh, the can't stop one.
And I got back.
We got to the hotel and the bar was closed
and I made them open.
Jesus.
Yeah.
I was like, it can't be closed.
I just performed for thousands of people.
For three solid hours.
I killed.
I killed. And they're like, we don't fucking care if you killed.
I killed.
I killed, I tell you.
Those were big laughs.
Cut to the bar opening up.
Yeah, they were really nice though.
They were cool about it.
But yeah, you kept a few places open.
Yeah, it's called alcoholism.
My point is.
I mean, I love that documentary,
but I'm also a workaholic, so.
When you say you're a workaholic,
let's unpack that for a second.
I didn't know we were gonna-
Well, I know, I'm just-
I wish I hadn't said it.
No, but I'm just curious-
I was sort of just a light thing I said.
A light thing?
No, I'm kidding, let's get into it.
But you really like to work.
Yes, I do like to work.
And that is, to me, one of the hacks in life
or one of the tricks is you take something about yourself
that could be a problem, but if you can tame it
and use it in just the right amount, it's fantastic.
And so I like to work.
And there's so many different types of ways
to work in entertainment.
So anytime you're like, oh, I have time off,
you're like, am I gonna go right over here
in this place, am I right?
That's what's so fun to me is I had last weekend off
and I was like, oh, hell yeah,
I finally have some time off from the show.
I'm gonna go write standup for four hours at a coffee shop
and that felt like rest to me, which it's not,
it's still work, I know Sona's looking at me like I'm crazy.
No, no, it's just, that's not who I am.
Yeah, Sona's like, do they have croissants?
No.
The ones with chocolate?
No.
Well, like not being productive isn't restful for me.
Yeah, no.
That's what it is, so you're like, well, why would I,
why would I do nothing when I'm not gonna enjoy it fully?
Like I got, right after I got the,
after midnight job, I got mono,
and I was sick for like two months.
And I had to like film the special in the first two weeks,
but then once the special was filmed,
I had like a few weeks where I was just doing nothing,
and me and my writing partner
like finished a script in that time,
cause I was like, I have three good hours
in the middle of the day, and we can get on Zoom.
So I'll wake up at noon and then we can hop on
from like one to three and then I go back to bed at four.
And we got a lot done and it was really, yeah.
And it's awesome and I felt great about it.
But if I'd just been laying there healing,
pfft.
Sucks.
Just got closer to death, nothing to show for it.
You just totally, you just totally
insulted your own immune system.
Your immune system's like, wait a minute, what?
Whatever.
Everybody's like, you know,
some people get over it in like three weeks.
I'm like, yeah, if they stay down, I guess,
but I had stuff to do.
Yeah, if you drink liquids.
I haven't had a liquid in six months.
And then there's this myth of, hey, chill.
Yeah.
Don't work, chill.
And I don't know, I've never been able to chill.
I don't know how to chill.
I have terrible news.
It's not a myth, it works for some people.
Does it really?
It really does.
I've seen it happen.
Some people- You've seen people actually chill?
Yeah, I've seen people spend a whole day reading
and I'm like, what?
You're sitting with the two chill chums.
We're real chill, both of us. I think you're chill too. I'm suspicious of you. I'm suspicious. Oh no, I admittedly, I think you're right and I'm like, what? You're sitting with the two chill chums. We're real chill, both of us.
I think you're chill too.
I'm suspicious of you.
I'm suspicious.
Oh no, I admittedly.
I'm suspicious of you, Matt.
I don't think you're a-
I'm half and half.
I need to work for a few hours to feel like I've earned it.
But then once I've done that, I feel like,
oh, I've earned this, I can chill.
I think the exception is Sona,
who does not need to work hard to earn it.
And it's actually, you know what?
You're saying that in a way where you feel like,
I feel like you're trying to insult me.
No, I'm describing you to the police.
That's an accurate description.
I think you're my queen.
I mean, when you say you do a show all week
and then you do stand up, it just boggles my mind.
I mean, it's amazing how much stamina that is.
Doing Largo is different than like traveling somewhere.
You know, like Largo's like,
oh, this is so nice and relaxing.
It's great.
Oh my God, yeah.
I was talking to Flannie about you, actually,
because he was saying, he's like,
you never know what's gonna happen with the show.
He's like, I bought this place when I was 30,
and I thought maybe I'd only do it for five years,
and here we are, 30 years later.
He's like, Conan told me he thought he was gonna be
out of the business in a few years,
and I was like, okay, he's like,
yeah, so you never know, and we'll see, and he's like, yeah, so you never know and we'll see.
And he's like, yeah, I mean.
Flanny has no right talking about me.
That was rude.
I mean, don't you think that's sort of, yeah.
No, Flanny is the guy that runs-
Do you even know Conan?
Flanny, yeah, he does not.
I don't know any Flanny.
Flanny is this, he runs Largo,
which is really one of the best live venues in Los Angeles.
And I only say that because this podcast
goes out to other realms,
but it is every comedian's favorite room to be in.
Sometimes it can almost give you a deceptive read
because you can go to Largo and sometimes I feel like,
you can read out of the phone book
and you'll get some really solid laughs.
And you'll think, this phone book thing's killer.
I'm taking this out on the road.
And then you get killed.
Yeah, well, that's the problem with once people come
to see you on purpose, you're like, is this,
do you really like it?
So you have to kind of adjust your expectations.
See you on purpose, I love that.
Oh, I was, people were tricked into watching me
do stand up for years.
So like we came for chicken fingers
and a male comedian.
We had no idea.
We were just finishing a day at the mall.
How dare you bamboozle us, funny bone.
There were so many times I said to my wife,
let's go out for chicken fingers and a male comedian.
And then, you know, Laurie Kilmartin would come out and go,
What the fuck?
What's a lady doing out there?
And this doesn't taste like chicken.
And I was like a child on top of it.
So, look, I saw the disappointment
on people's faces.
I came from an era where when I debuted in 1993,
there's no internet, there's, you know,
there's no streaming, there's maybe, yeah,
there's four networks.
There's no teleprompters.
Yeah, there's no tele, no teleprompters.
They were steam powered.
They weren't good.
They exploded all the time.
There's someone on a bike behind it.
Someone's peddling it.
Welcome to the show, I have speeded up there, Myron.
I'm trying.
Shoveling coal into.
But there was a solid, I don't know,
I wanna say two, three years there where it was on
and there wasn't much else to do at 12.30 at night.
So today there's a billion things you can watch.
And I was part of this era where people would come up
to me on the street and say, you know,
didn't want to watch you.
They wouldn't say that exactly, but it was clear
that was not the plan.
I didn't want to do that, but I can develop this rash.
They gave me a medication and the cream has to be applied.
And so I had to get up at 1230 and reapply the cream.
I turn on the TV and you're there.
I didn't like it, but after nine days
and nine cream applyings, I was like,
you know what, he's got something.
And I thought, oh my God.
I mean, I literally, so many new moms with newborns
would say to me, this is back in the early 90s,
you know, I'm a huge fan.
I would have to get up and breastfeed.
And you were on, you know,
I watched it for four solid weeks and you didn't,
I didn't get it, but now I love you.
And I would think that wouldn't happen today.
No.
America was forced to put up with my shit
for a number of years. I know.
They had no choice.
And then they were like, all right,
I guess the hair can stay.
America was like, this is the guy.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, there's, yeah.
One of the advantages of this new world
and so many new opportunities is that
we're getting to hear voices we wouldn't have heard
in an old system where there just was like.
Because they never would have given me a chance
of what you're saying.
Oh, they would not have.
I know.
I mean, they weren't, let's be honest.
They were not like, okay, there's a long line of,
women doing comedy.
They're obviously great pioneers and everything, but it was...
No, women weren't funny until Bridesmaids came out.
Well.
Like on the record.
Yeah.
That was when it all changed over.
But everyone before that garbage.
Yeah.
Lucille Ball, it's just dreadful.
I didn't get it.
I didn't get it.
Yeah, not the best, not the best.
Carol Burnett, I mean, I've done the work.
I've gone and looked and it was just.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and even now, I mean, again,
I did all these interviews and every interview was like, what is it like to be the only woman in late night? I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist.
I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. I in a few years. I'll go, oh, there's a paper trail.
Yeah.
Guess we can't lie.
But yeah, I mean, it's kind of similar
to how I felt about that where I was like,
is everything gonna be about how young I am?
Cause everyone's kind of saying it in a surprised way.
Like even though you're this,
you've still got this thing.
And I'm like, wait.
I was the first asexual host.
And I thought that was a huge barrier.
People were like, we're not sure.
They didn't know what you were.
They weren't sure.
Oh, okay, okay.
And often I wasn't sure.
You weren't sure.
You can see it on the air sometimes.
There I am talking to Sir Richard Harris,
and I sort of pucker my lips and try to kiss him.
Oh, okay.
I was just confused.
I thought they were hiring the first female.
They did.
They hired her.
You did a bait and switch.
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
I am a man, take a look.
I drop my pants.
Still confusion.
Ha ha ha!
Come on, that's the big reveal, I'm a man!
Uh, can we get more light in here?
Fuck you!
Well, I for one am so glad Bridesmaids came out
because it has enabled you now, exactly, to be-
Paved the way.
Yeah, exactly.
Who did you, I'm just curious, just before we,
because I wanna wrap things up,
but I don't want to wrap things up.
Oh, let me make sure I don't have any more questions
for you.
I don't think I had everything.
I was born in 1993.
Jesus. Yeah. born in 1993. Jesus.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
You're going through a long list and you-
Yeah, no, I got it.
You do your thing.
Who did you see when you were interested in comedy and young
and you saw them and you thought,
okay, that's who I wanna be
or that person gives me the confidence
to think I could do.
Oh gosh, I mean, I don't know,
cause I felt like, I guess just every female comic
that made it was like, honestly, again,
not to do the gender thing, but like it did help.
Like Kathleen Madigan, Maria Bamford, like Tina Fey,
Amy Poehler, like Amy Schumer getting so huge.
Like it's, I think everybody who makes it
and is so successful in this business
makes you feel like, oh, I could do that maybe.
You know, like, if everybody's cool with this,
everyone thinks women are funny, finally.
You know?
It's so funny to think that that was a conversation
for so many years when I was a kid,
because now we joke about it,
because it's like not, I don't think anybody's
on that anymore, but when we were kids,
it really was like, I don't know, I hate female comics.
And people did say that to me in my early 20s,
like again, coming to see me at Funny Bones or whatever,
they'd go, I hate female comics, but you were good.
Like there was a lot of that.
And I'm like, okay.
That's unbelievable.
Yeah.
I mean, it's absolutely, I shouldn't say that,
it's completely believable. Oh yeah, very, very believable. Given that time, but it's unbelievable. Yeah. I mean, it's absolutely, I shouldn't say that, it's completely believable.
Yeah, very, very believable.
Given that time,
but it's unbelievable to contemplate now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Taylor, I really am so happy for you,
and you are uniquely gifted and a really good person.
And I think you're, right now,
there are so many young people watching you saying, I want to be Taylor Tomlinson.
And it's your job to destroy them.
So they don't take that from you.
But seriously, thanks so much for being here.
Thank you so much.
I'm sorry I asked you for so much advice.
You think you're asking the wrong person.
But sure, go ahead.
I can't text Colbert anymore, I'm bothering him.
No, he's been great.
He's so nice. He's a's been great, he's so nice.
Yeah, he's a very nice man.
He's so nice.
I just think he should try harder.
No.
Really.
Well, he's got the same, again, we're wrapping up,
I'm sorry, we can take this off air if you want.
No, no, that's okay.
No, no, let's say it on the air.
But I mean, it's very intimidating to spend time
with him and you and go,
oh, they both have that thing that I just don't have.
I don't have the like, like always on,
like very charismatic, very social. Like I don't have, I don't have the like, always on, like very charismatic, very social.
Like I don't have that thing
that you two both have that's so impressive to me.
But a lot of my favorite people,
many of my favorite comedians don't do that.
They're on, they do their thing,
and then they're quiet and reserved.
Yeah.
Or they're a bit of an introvert.
A lot of my favorite comedians are introverts.
Steven and I, there's just something wrong with us.
But it's so like, it's amazing to watch.
You're like machines.
Like you're just funny all the time.
Like I got to go plug myself in.
Well, no, they'll tell you I'm not.
It's a neediness.
No, it's not a neediness.
It comes from, God gave me a gift and I must pass it on. Oh, OK. That's a neediness. Yeah, it's in the Bible. That's desperate neediness. It's right. No, it's not a neediness. It comes from, God gave me a gift and I must pass it on.
Oh, okay, no, that's a neediness.
Yeah, it's in the Bible.
That's desperate neediness.
Definitely.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
A prophet spreading the good word.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I don't think-
Desperation.
There's just many different-
Desperate neediness.
There are many, many, many ways that people get here.
And a lot of my favorite comics are not like that.
So don't be looking around,
don't compare your Taylor Tomlinson, they can fuck it.
You know?
That's very nice.
I'm gonna clip that out and just listen to it
in the morning as an affirmation.
Yeah, every morning.
They can fuck it.
They can fuck it.
Your Taylor Tomlinson and they can fuck it.
That was great.
Do you mean they can fuck off? Yeah, they can fuck off. No, I like it that way. I can fuck it. That was great. Do you mean they can fuck off?
Yeah, they can fuck off.
I like it that way.
No, I like fuck it.
Okay.
If I said fuck off, that's what everyone says.
My trick is to change it a little bit.
They can fuck it.
Now it's got us talking and you know what?
That's gonna be a t-shirt.
You and Taylor Tomlinson.
You're just wondering what it is.
Exactly.
You sound so much gravitas.
I was like, yeah, they can fuck it.
What do you mean?
I sounded like Walter Cronkite on his last broadcast.
That got by me.
I felt like-
I'm Walter Cronkite, and you can fuck it.
That's gonna be a t-shirt.
You're gonna see that t-shirt.
I felt like that was inspiring.
I wouldn't have even caught that.
No, we both, I thought you thought it was funny too,
because I was like, what?
Well, I thought it at first too, but then yeah,
like everything you gotta run it through twice with this guy.
A lot of great poets, it's the little things they change.
Anyway, go with God and they can fuck it.
And he can fuck it.
And congrats, congratulations on everything.
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Hi, this is Matt.
And this is Sona.
We're leaving the studio right now. And as you can tell by the, is that a Ferrari or
a Lamborghini?
I don't know. You're asking the wrong person. It's orange.
We were requested by Conan and Adam
to do our own little segment as we were walking to our car.
What do you want to talk about?
Well, let's talk about how I thought,
so first of all, my car's been here for days
and I don't even know if it's gonna be there
when I get there, but I thought I had forgotten my keys
so you very graciously were gonna give me a ride home,
which is nice, and now we're doing like, it were gonna give me a ride home, which is nice.
And now we're doing like, it's almost very mall walking, I was saying.
Yeah, and I'm a little disappointed I don't get to give you a ride home, because, you know, Sona time is good time.
Oh, that's really nice. I know, you know, I like mad time.
I don't know why things are just so much more pleasant when Conan's not around.
What could it be? I feel lighter than air right now.
Me too! I feel like we're having a good time.
We're being nice to each other. This is nice and there's a really big element that's missing,
but I don't miss it. I know and also the fact that this segment is going to end with the reveal
of whether or not your car is there or not because it's Monday and your car's been in the CVS parking
lot since Friday? Thursday. Since Thursday. Yeah. I can't imagine it's still there. So I may end up giving you a ride.
Yeah. You know what? If it's cool, would you, would you walk with me?
No, you had your chance. Of course I will.
Okay. That's cool. Cause I don't know what I'm going to do if it's not there.
I haven't gotten my car towed in years.
And so I forgot who I would call and how I would find it.
So I don't know. I mean, we'll see we'll find out
But you were telling me used to get your car towed quite a bit, right?
I've gotten my car towed like three times and the first time is like you're like, oh my god
Did it get stolen and by the third time you're like, oh, what did I do? What did I do this time?
That makes sense. Yeah, it is cuz anytime you do get it towed. You are the person who's responsible
Is this where yours is? Cause the gates closed.
No, mine's back there.
OK. What if my car is gone? That's the twist.
Yes, I would love that.
I would love it because you have to get home, but that would be a fun twist.
Also, we're walking in the middle of the street, talking into a phone.
You're not embarrassed, right? I am.
Are you really? Yeah, I am.
Why am I embarrassed? And you're not. I don don't know it just feels like I would think people would think
we're talking to the same person on the phone. Oh. Like we've called someone we a
mutual friend. So every time someone walks by I'm just gonna be like yeah John
yeah John. I'm used to mall walking too where you walk around with a microphone
and I know that's true. Um do I get a snack on the way home? Yeah,
here's a half-eaten turkey stick. Yeah, you got a meat stick in your hand. We could talk about this
the snacks at Team Coco because when you finish recording a session and even before you and I
are often kind of meeting up at the snack basket or whatever. I hate to admit this Matt, I don't
know if you do this. I plan my day around the snacks I'm going to eat at the snack basket or whatever. I hate to admit this Matt. I don't know if you do this. I plan
my day around the snacks I'm gonna eat at the office. Meaning you won't eat a meal if you know you're coming in. Yeah, meaning I'll be like oh I know I'm gonna shove my face full of like you know
uh popcorn from the office so I'm just not gonna eat too much for breakfast. Hey John! Hey John!
It's so good to talk to you John. I almost look like
I have no money and no resources because every time I leave Team Koku it's with a handful
of chips and tin cans and all this food. You have a La Croix in your hand and a meat stick.
Hey John! You won't believe who I'm walking with. We miss you John! Come visit us soon.
It's so nice out here. What celebrity could we imagine John is?
What do you mean? Like a celebrity named John. Who's the biggest John?
John Krasinski? John Tesh? John Krasinski?
John Tesh?
Is it John? Wait, is it John Tesh? It's not...
That is... Isn't it? It is.
Why did I think... Why did I think his name was Bill Tesh?
Hey Bill! Who's the biggest John? John, John.
Oh there's, it's a Lamborghini.
What?
It's a Lamborghini.
That's the one.
I'm glad we, we closed the loop on whether that was a Lamborghini or a Ferrari.
Okay, we're going in, I'm also halfway through a mouthful of turkey stick.
We're going downstairs.
Where are you taking me?
When you eat a beef stick,
let's say that was the beef version,
do you ever say you're getting a hot beef injection?
Every time.
And this is a turkey stick,
so I say I'm getting a hot gobbler.
I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on thinking
John Tesh's name is Bill Tesh.
I'm just really excited'm still stuck on thinking John Tesh's name is Bill Tesh.
I'm just really excited I have my keys because I thought I was going to inconvenience you right now.
Yeah. Oh no.
What's the matter? You weren't recording? No, I think I'm still recording. We'll find out at the end.
No, it's still rolling.
Oh, there it is!
And your car's still here!
Yes!
Wow, I'll drive you to your car. Wow, win-win.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
No, yeah, it's fine.
You can go all the way here and then we can record a little longer.
Keep the segment going, huh?
Yeah.
Give the people what they want to hear?
They're like, hey, you know what?
For a while, I was wondering...
Wait, wait.
I have the phone and you're far away.
Hold on.
I was going to say, I bet people always wonder you're far away. Hold on.
I was going to say, I bet people always wonder like,
what's it like when it's just Sona and Matt? And now you know, and maybe, yeah, maybe they're like, oh, we're good.
Maybe, but I can at least describe the interior of Sona's car.
And it's got tax mahogany, like fisting block.
Don't say it's not a fisting, it's not a fisting block.
It's a fisting, if that's, if I'm eating a hot beef injection, this is a mahogany fisting block.
It's, he punches it to condition his hands.
Because you know if you don't punch it then your hands are weak.
What's this?
It's a rolling pin but he does something with that too.
I think he like- It's just a wooden oak dowel.
He, yeah, he like, yes, I think he hits his legs with it or something.
No, I think he's in a child's musical band.
When he says he has a gig, he's going to a preschool.
I'm so glad my car's here.
I'm so glad I have my keys.
What do you got planned for the rest of the day?
Um, I'm gonna get fucked up. I already am baby. You can actually drop me off right here because
that's my orange Lamborghini. Oh is it? Okay but you weren't sure if it was a Lamborghini or a
Ferrari. I just said give me something fast and expensive. You're such a Lamborghini or a Ferrari? I just said give me something fast and expensive.
You're such a Lamborghini guy.
I should have waited for those people to cross the street.
I'm the Lamborghini guy.
Do you think you're a Lamborghini person?
I know I'm not.
I think I'm a Corvette person.
What?
Yeah, I would do it.
I would fuck a Corvette.
Up?
I would just fuck it.
Oh, you are getting fucked up today.
Oh my God. What is partying going on? I fuck it. Oh you are getting fucked up today. Oh my god
What is party and going to wonder? Oh?
My god, that's where I am right there. You could pull over right here. I'm gonna do it
You eat do you full service? Yeah, I'm not gonna take you to your car
But I'm gonna get you close to it because you know what you're really nice enough to almost almost drive me to my car
Thank you
Okay, I'm gonna put
these wooden child instruments down and I'll say my goodbye. Thank you Sona. Love you girls. Love you. Bye. Bye.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me,
Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco,
and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair,
and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnik.
Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn.
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