Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Ted Danson

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Actor Ted Danson feels oddly comforted about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Ted and Conan sit down to talk about false humility, being recognized (while wearing a mask), and pandemic farts. Plus, Conan shares a touching clip from the set-up of the remote recording. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, I'm Ted Danson and I feel oddly comforted about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Ah, what was that, Sona? I hit my tooth when I drank my water. My tooth is hurting.

Oh, I was just about to do the intro. I'm sorry. To the whole show and I heard, ugh. And I thought Sona was saying, like, ugh, this shit again. And then I said, what the, I'm trying to do an intro and you hit your tooth on a what? I hate that we're recording this. I aggressively drank my water and hit my tooth with the glass. And then I put it down and then it kept hurting.

And so I made that noise. You went, ugh, let's play it again. Here, you hear that? Did you guys hear that? Matt, did you hear that? Yeah, that's a real sigh. Yeah, that sounded to me. I'm glad you hurt yourself rather than me for a second thinking you weren't overjoyed to speak with me.

You would rather I hurt myself. You know what? I'm being really honest. When you went, when I heard, ugh, as I was just about to say hi and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, then I heard that you would hurt yourself rather than you weren't just filled with joy to speak with me. I was glad that you hurt yourself. I'm being honest. I'm really being honest.

Oh, okay, good. As long as you're being honest, then it's totally fine. Okay, cool. I may have chipped my tooth, but at least I'm not bored talking to you. People may wonder what this show is like off the mic. This is exactly what it's like. Yeah. Well, you can use this or not, Gorly, but I think it's interesting.

No, you don't have to. Maybe we do. Maybe Gorly listens to it and it's fun and cool. That's stupid. Maybe you're stupid. Is that funny? Oh, really good. That's a really good one.

This is so dumb. I'm a professional comedian. Oh, are you? Yeah. I'm a professional combat. Maybe you are. Hi. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

My name's Matt Corley. I'm a little surprised, you know, having a good time. Just trucking along. Me and my squad. Yeah. I gotta get a squad. Yeah. Thanks, Matt, for getting us back on track.

All I was trying to do was say hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, which is the easiest part of the show when I heard Sona make a noise. That got to us bickering, and then Gorly had to come in and save the day. But I do welcome you to our program. It's amazing that even though we're in the midst of a global pandemic, it should be giving us massive amounts of perspective on what's valuable in life that nothing's changed. Nope. We're all in our separate homes.

Everyone's like reassessing who they are as people, and we're still bickering like idiots. Humans, we always disappoint. Even a pandemic can't change us. No. A little normal sees good, though. It's comforting in its weird way. It is weird, but it is comforting to know. No matter what happens, I really do think if there was like some kind of apocalypse and

then we were all wandering around a smoldering cityscape and the three of us found each other and our clothes were shredded and we were smoldering. I think we would see each other quickly start to make a plan on how to find water and then start bickering, and then Sona would pick up like a small dead rat and say, maybe I could eat this and I would knock it out of her hand to tease her, and then Gorly would start to go after me. I'd go after Gorly for finding. No.

Yeah. I would build a shelter. Sona would look for food and you would urinate all over our camp. I can't urinate at will. I need to. Trust me, that's the only thing that's stopping me is that, you know, would I be able to command that much urine at the given time? It's not what I want to do that because, yes, I would really want to urinate all over the

camp that you guys built. No, Sona would go out. If we were wandering around an apocalyptic landscape, I do believe, Gorly, you would start to build a house and a shelter and you would start by wanting to build a simple lean tube, and then very quickly, it would become a craftsman style, 1911, you know, beautiful architectural wonder, and then you would like find old banjos that you would hang on the wall. And Sona, you would say, I'll go find food, but then you'd be missing for a long time and you'd come back without food, but you'd have found.

A DVD of friends. An old DVD of friends or high school musical, and you'd be like, look what I found. Also, I noticed that if you chew on this berry a lot, it has a somewhat stimulating effect. Wait, what the hell? Gorly's going to build some architectural marvel. There was no bit in there. You didn't shit on him at all. I love this.

Then it's me getting food and I come back with a DVD and berries that might get you high. Yes. And you just watch the DVD, but you just stare at the DVD. Yeah, you stared at the DVD. You stared at the DVD. Gorly, what the fuck? There was no machine. You stared at it and went, wow, Chandler's really killing it.

You're just staring at a charred DVD. Because you have perfect access to your memory of every episode, so you can just replay it. No, now you're trying to make it sound like, oh, it's okay. Hey, Gorly. What are you doing? Gorly, Gorly, you know what? Can I just say something? I love this dynamic that no one saw coming of you shifting to my side.

This is weird. It is like that gum that you bite into and there's that flavor juice that's on the inside and it bursts all over your mouth. That's what just happened to me. You came on my side and started shitting on Sona and it was electric. I hate it. I don't know. I don't know if I can do it. No, come on.

It's great. If Gorly's building the shelter and I'm getting the food, what are you doing is my question. I have found some people that are slightly worse off than we are and I'm mocking them. Okay, good. Very useful. My berries that might get me high are way more useful than that. I found some people that are slightly down the chain from us. Maybe they're not even people.

Maybe they're just like mutated squirrels and I'm laughing at them. But the mutated moose is laughing, so I'm happy. You'd be the least useful person in an apocalypse. You know what? I don't disagree. I often think about the fact that had I been born in any other time, if I existed in the 1500s, 1600s, 1700s, I'd have been killed immediately. You could be turned to food for multiple reasons.

You've got a lot to eat because you're tall and just to turn you off, I think. Yeah, people would get sick of your bits real quick. I always picture me being in Ireland in like 1400s, 1300s, 1200s and everyone around me is building stone walls and trying to make shelter and I'm sitting on one of the stone walls making wise-ass comments and one guy just comes up with a giant stone and hits it and that plays out hundreds of times, thousands of times throughout history. Sona, is that you or me? It's both of us, I think.

Yeah, we're back. We're back in our comfortable dining hall. This feels much better. Much better. Yeah, it was just a moment. It was that brief moment when Russia was our ally from 1941 to 45 before the Cold War. It was just a brief moment there and that was what it felt like because you are Stalin, Gordon.

No, no, no. Wait, what is that analogy? I am Eisenhower and you are Stalin. Yeah. No. I have his phone. No. I know you have his phone.

You are Marilyn Monroe and... What? Yeah. You know what? I'll take it. Yeah, just take it. Okay. It all ends up so well for you.

I'm really confused about how Marilyn Monroe fits in all this. I am too. Well, Eisenhower... We were in the 50s. We were in the 50s and he made himself... And I said, no, you're more of a Marilyn Monroe. I'm going to say between... Forget it.

I'm going to let it go because the idea of you fucking Arthur Miller just is crazy. You got to let that go. Gourly fucking Arthur Miller. Where did this go? I just... Look, we've got an episode to do. Come on. No, there's no episode after this.

We just went from a very innocent beginning to goryly, passionately making love to famed playwright Arthur Miller. He's a brilliant man. In their home in Roxbury, Connecticut. Am I dressed like Marilyn Monroe? Well, you're not wearing anything. What is that? Oh.

Arthur Miller had that weird fetish where he liked to have sex with women who weren't wearing clothes. Okay. We got a great show and this is the perfect ending and beginning to a great show. Probably a better ending, but no. We have a great show today. I don't want to stall. My guest today is an Emmy award-winning actor who starred as Sam Malone for 11 seasons on

Cheers. You also know him from Curb Your Enthusiasm and the hit NBC series, The Good Place. I'm thrilled. Just an absolute delight, a talent, a great gentleman. Ted Danson, welcome. Ted, I apologize because of the coronavirus, which I think is my fault. We are forced to do this podcast from remote locations. And I really hate doing this with you because as you know, I'm a huge fan of yours and really

look forward to being in the same room with you. So I'm sorry. Just by looking at you right now and listening to you, I have to take the oddly out and say overwhelmingly comforted by seeing you. Many consider me an almost Christ-like figure and I'm glad that you seem to agree with that assessment. Yeah. Oh, hey.

Hi, Mary. Hi. How are you? Oh, my God. Look at that. I love that. This is so fantastic. Yeah.

Look, it's Mary Steenburgen. That's really cool. Yeah. She was delivering me a rice cake with almond butter and honey because I got so stressed out setting this thing up just now that I needed protein and I needed it quick. Okay. This is what I want to talk about. I sat silently like a creep.

I didn't announce myself and I listened for 15 minutes. Sorry. Mary, welcome. 10 minutes. Oh, hello, Mary again. How are you? There she goes again. Wow.

Wish I had someone that loved and cared for me. Oh, anyway, maybe the next life. Ted, while you chew your rice cake and your almond and honey, I'm going to speak because I have something to say that should take about 45 minutes. I was listening to you while my team led you through the complicated setup of doing the Zoom plus all the audio stuff involved in doing this podcast and you were so patient and kind to everybody. You didn't know that I was listening and the whole time I thought, this is really stunning.

You have this incredibly genteel way about you and people on my team were apologizing for how much you had to do and you kept saying, no, no, please, please do not apologize. Do not apologize. We should play some of that because first of all, it's hilarious how inept all of us. I mean, literally, it's like we're monkeys trying to land a space shuttle. That's how I feel. I feel completely, but listening to you and I feel less bad myself because this is what they lead me through every time and I'm always saying things like, wait, hit the apple.

Is that next to the, wait, where's the quick time? Where's the space bar? And so I'm comforted that you had as much trouble as I have. And some. But that whole thing about me being kind and gentle or something, it's like I'm trying to land a 747 and somebody's talking me through it. You don't get snappy with the people who are saving your life. So thank you team.

Thank you. Judging you was not even anywhere near my brain. So no. You know what's funny is that the quality of my zoom is such that right now you are in an ethereal glow. Yes, I am. Now, I don't know if you put brie over the lens, but I really do feel right now like I'm falling in love with you.

Yeah. It's just like a weird dream. It's crazy. I also, I have late stage glaucoma. So maybe that's it too. I Googled, you know, Doris Day's filters and came up. You know, I swear to God, you can ask your team, I don't know why or what because we tried cleaning it off with my shirt.

I think you used your shirt and some ham gravy to clean the lens. You know what? There is a, there is a like almond butter spill on my shirt. Maybe that's the problem. Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You look absolutely beautiful. And it reminded me of, I saw an interview once on Larry King Live where Larry had regular lighting and he's sitting maybe five inches away from Raquel Welch, who had brought her

own lighting contraption and it was fascinating because they were inches apart. They would cut to Larry and then they, and he'd say, so tell me Raquel, what was it like when you first broke out in 1962? It must have been quite a thing. And then they cut to Raquel Welch and she was in another dimension. They were inches from each other, but she looked, she looked like she had, she was talking from heaven. It was absolutely fantastic.

Hey, thanks for doing this, by the way. It's just a joy to talk to you. Yeah, me too. Seriously, it's really nice to see you and I'm assuming you're well and loved ones are good and all of that. Yeah. Everyone's, everyone's fine. We're all lucky.

Very blessed. Yeah. Yeah. Blessed that we get to just hunker down and so I think about that every day. I can't possibly complain. I still do and I'm, and treat people around me with great bitterness. What I'm thinking about is I do know that you have some natural anxiety in the best of times.

Are you a little bit of a hypochondriac? I'm a very conscious and aware of my body. Thank you very much. That's it. That's a whole different thing than a hypochondriac, but yes, yes. Okay. So you don't, you don't like the term hypochondriac. You like to say I'm a very aware of my body.

I'm hyper aware of my body. What is it called when, because I'm hyper aware of other people's bodies. And, and I've been told that that's not a good thing. It can lead to not good things, but yes, yes, that, that, yes. I've been talked to, I've been talked to several times and I did a week in prison. But is this, do you think helping you during this time of quarantine and pandemic? Is your awareness of your instrument and your body, is it helping you sort of? I'll tell you something.

I, I think I, I was not a smart hypochondriac. Now I feel like I'm eating so much better. I am not drinking because I don't, which was not a problem, but I'm doing everything I can to remain healthy. But the big thing is, I think I went really fast in life, tried to do everything and hey, I'm 72. I can still do everything and all of that. I, I think this little breath that we're all taking and I, I talk, I know everything

we say, we have to clarify that we're not ignorant of the amount of massive amount of suffering, the mass amount of indebtedness we have to those people that are out in the world taking care of us all. That's true. But in my little bubble, Mary and I are eating really well and exercising and, and just taking that moment to be together in a real way and deeper than I think I, you know, I, sorry, I'm rambling, but I think that I used to think I'm Mr. Enlightenment madly present and in love with Mary and true, that was true.

But I also noticed, oh, I used to like half listen and then figure out what she was saying and then decide what I was going to say and then interrupt her because I, I'm going fast. I'm going fast here. Right. And now all of a sudden everything has slowed down and there's, there's so many little silver linings in our relationship. One last thing, and I'll let this go, but at 72 and Mary's 67, I think we might have gone really fast until the end.

And taking this moment almost feels like a little gift. I know it's surrounded by suffering, but it's a little gift. Well, it's the silver lining. I keep saying there are silver linings in this time. I love myself that every night I have dinner with my wife and two kids and, and it was a gift that came out of all this because usually I'm rushing around so much and between the show and the podcast and different things that I've said, I would do, I don't often make at home for dinner.

And now we all have dinner together and I like it. My children want me gone, but at least I'm happy. And you did that pace for 20, 30 years, whatever it's been, you know, you are nonstop. Yeah. It's, you know, we, we have obviously very, very different careers and, and what you've undertaken is you have phases where you're working on different projects and there are different eras of Ted Danson. And I think for me, there's just been, when you start in the talk show comedy world and

you get into it, it literally is just trying to keep a brush fire going. Your fear is this thing is lit. It's on fire. I keep finding more kindling and keep it going and if it ever goes out, I'll perish. So I was thinking about this before we got on the line today that I first became aware of you when I saw the onion field and I love that movie. I was probably an early teen or something and I saw the onion field and I said, who is that guy?

That guy's great. Then I saw body heat and loved your character. And this is all pre cheers, I think, I think body heat was before cheers, wasn't it? So then, and I remember thinking, I really liked this guy and then you got cheers. And of course, there's that whole explosion for you of that could have been enough. That was, that's more than enough for any actor, you know what I mean? Just to have Sam alone and to be so iconic. And then you've shapeshifted about seven other times since then in a way that I find

hard to compare with, I can't find other examples of people that have found a single actor that's found so many different ways to contribute and to find ways to resonate, but each time completely reinventing themselves. And you credit some of that to Larry David, especially in your getting you more and more into the comedy realm. True, true. Yeah, I think, I think there was a point where I felt that I'd stayed too long at the half hour comedy party and other people were funnier.

I was boring myself. I was for myself, I was predictable and all of that. And I had a show canceled that I was in, which, you know, focuses you very quickly. And I thought that's it. And I called Jeffrey Katzenberg, who had worked together several times and said, you don't have to pay me. I don't care what it is or how big just can you start putting me into any kind of movie and I think that led to a small part in the saving Private Ryan.

And so I was going to be the new Ted starting over in film kind of thing. And then along came Larry show, which is kind of funny because Mary and I sat in an attic and Martha's Vineyard looking at a, I think a rough cut of the first of the pilot curb and several people fell asleep. And I, Mary and I, well, I won't throw Mary under the bus, but I was going, I was going, oh boy, this sucks. But he's so, he's so sweet and I want him to be a friend. And so, you know, we did the phony thing at the end.

How wonderful. And if you ever need us to play ourselves, of course, we're there for you in a shot. You know, and it turned out to be, well, I mean, I hate singing in his praises in public, but he, you know, he really turned a half hour on its ear and to be part of that reinvigorated my kind of delight in, in funny. So it's interesting to me because I've heard you say that you do not consider yourself someone who, or you used to not consider yourself a comedic person or someone with like an inner comedic ear, which I find kind of hard to believe unless you have a different standard

than the rest of us. I'm full of false humility, by the way. So you can always check me out, but, but, but I, and thank you. I just noticed why we're, who's laughing. I just think you're wonderful. That's my assistant, Sona, and she's a great laugher and she has a great laugh. But just keep in mind, she also is probably high. No, come on.

No, no. Come on. You look great. You're not high. I see your eyes. But let me tell you, you are, you are the Jimmy Burroughs of this show. Jimmy Burroughs, who was one of the creators of Cheers and directed literally everything known to man in the half hour world, used to, during rehearsals, he would laugh.

And it was very consciously laughing to let the cast know this is a place where you're going to need to pause because it's funny. So it was a very conscious laugh. So you're wonderful because you're laughing and all of a sudden I'm thinking, oh, we said something funny and maybe we should pause. You're great at it. Thank you so much. That's a massive, massive compliment.

Thank you so much. I will say, Ted, I like to kid with Sona and I was only 80% serious when I said she may be high. She also is not, she laughs for real, meaning she laughs when something's really funny and she doesn't laugh if it's not funny. And I know that through bitter experience. We totally fucked her up. She's going to be incapable of doing anything right now.

All right. I said the F word and I saw everyone turn away. Does that mean we just bleeped me or? Well, it just means this can't air in any sort of way. We have a huge Mormon following and this now, this really screws that up. I apologize to my brother. It wasn't. You know, it's funny.

It's so funny that you mentioned that because years and years and years ago in another lifetime when I was a writer on The Simpsons, we had to go in and pitch ideas to James O'Brooks, James O'Brooks. Yeah, yeah. We were pitching to him a couple of story ideas and he liked them and he was laughing and I thought, wait a minute. I know this laugh and it was kind of like, yes, yes, yes, and I thought, wait a minute. This laugh is in my DNA.

This laugh is in my bone marrow. And then I was talking to someone and said, I know that laugh and they said, of course you do, you can hear it on the classic Mary Tyler Moore show. He was offstage and sometimes his laugh would punch through because it's so distinctive. And I thought, as a kid watching the Mary Tyler Moore show, listening to this man laugh and then without realizing it, hearing the same laugh again when I'm pitching in The Simpsons. So it was kind of a golden moment.

So you say, yes, let's get to the bottom of this. Yes, you have false humility. I mean, you obviously have, I think you've called it a metronome or almost an inner sense of what the timing is for our comedy. Here's what I mean. With really funny, good writing, I can be really funny and good. If the writing's not there, I can't. I know this is like throwing writers into the bus, but there are some comedic actors

who you can give them a telephone book and they, you know, before they start talking, they are funny and you're ready to laugh. I'm not that guy. I really do feel like the play is the thing. And if I serve as the playwright, it's going to be funny if it's supposed to. You seem like someone who has retained their sense of self humility, which is very difficult in this business. I surrendered that years ago and gladly, but you have done a very, very good job.

Do you think it has to do with the way you grew up growing up in a situation where you didn't grow up in the business, you didn't grow up? I don't see you as someone who's starved for the concept of fame. Is that fair? Yes. Yes. But, you know, yes. I mean, sorry, I'm stumbling around because there's not a ego, a fame trap that I haven't

fallen into. And I think some of my carefulness is that as soon as you start pontificating, you walk out the door and step in some karmic pile of poo. So I'm always a little bit super, I guess I'm superstitious of being an ass, an idiot. That makes sense to me. No, but what I'm saying is... I was raised to pride goeth before a fall and it's about team, it's about the people around you.

It's not about you. I was raised like that by both my mother and father. And then I fell in love with basketball and that was a team sport. And then I went to Carnegie Mellon University and that was training to be a service to the play. I mean, really, not just... And then cheers was my first big kind of outing was cheers and that was pure ensemble and I got it.

And I learned that you don't have to be the joke teller, you can be standing next to the joke teller and everybody comes up to you afterwards and says, oh my God, you're funny. Even if you didn't have a line, if you were supporting the funny somewhere near you, it rubbed off. So relax, lighten up, you know? Yeah, yeah. And I can see it on a show like The Good Place, you can see that you're playing with these other people who are all terrific performers and writers, but you're playing your instrument

with them. Yeah. And it seems like that would be a lot more fun. It is, it is. Because then you get to stand back and I don't know, maybe it's just personal taste. That's what I love. I love being part of a group, an ensemble where everybody knows their parts really well. And I love serving up a good softball to someone to hit it off, you know, out of the park.

There's as much satisfaction in that as hitting it out of the park, which is why, in my opinion, you will work forever because of all of those things you just mentioned, you have a humanity and a love of and an interest of humanity. And that's kind of an internal, eternal thing. You can do that, should do that forever. Much respect Conan, seriously. Wow, that's that's incredibly sweet. I've been accused of not taking compliments well, but you're still not, by the way, that

was classic deflection and I can't, I'm not good at it. I'm not good at it, but it's funny because I grew up watching people on TV like I'd see Johnny Carson and my dad introduced me to older performers like Jack Benny. And what I noticed about them is how many laughs they got not saying a word. If someone else is and I think what you sort of alluded to it when you were talking about the cheers ensemble, but it also I think I also saw a lot of this in the good place, which is it's your reaction to what's happening around you. I mean, often on cheers, Sam's behind the bar and you're presiding over madness.

You're presiding over insane characters and you're sitting there and you've got your ubiquitous towel to wipe down the bar or you're sipping a soda water or something and you're doing some menial task, but it's your reaction to what's happening that is getting a huge laugh. And I've realized a long time ago, Johnny Carson or for that matter, and Johnny, Johnny loved Jack Benny. And I think he got a lot of this from Jack Benny and would have and idolized him. You can sit and watch someone talk. And without saying a word, you can let it all wash over you in a very Zen way.

And afterwards someone tells you, wow, you were hilarious. And I think I didn't say anything. But you also knew that that was the part you played in that funny moment. And if you had stopped listening, the funny would have gone away. You really do need that relationship of funny and listening or appreciating or loving or whatever to make that work, I think. I'm curious how you do out in the world because you're easily, you'd be one of the top three most recognizable people on the planet and you're a nice person and you're a real person.

And we live in an era of, hey, there's Ted Danson and I want a picture with him and you got to preserve your sense of self. How do you handle that? How do you navigate that? Can I just tell you a version of yesterday, full on mask hat, I mean, full on mask. So you saw eyes and that was about it, you didn't even see my white hair. And I won't say who or where, but it was a drop by and pick up kind of deal. And as the person brought the thing out to the car, he said, oh, can I have a picture

with you? And there was nothing to go by. He didn't even have, you know, and I had had to get out of the car. At that moment, but I was keeping 10 feet away from him. I said, I'm sorry, I don't want to be close to people right now. He said, that's all right. And he took a selfie where he was in the foreground and I'm this little guy in the distance going, what are you doing?

Anyway. You know, he probably has some weird thing where he memorizes celebrity, the vein that runs underneath your eye and so he knows like, he knows everyone by just the positioning of that vein that's like, that's a dance in vain. I know that. I've had people in airports are like, you know, they find out where you are in the world and who's watching what I've had people walk by and kind of clock me. No hat on.

Just kind of walk into the end. Then when they get past me and they turn around and look at my white hair and my bald spot, they go, yep, that's him, but it's the bald spot that cinches it for him. Yeah, that's him. That's incredible. Yeah. But do you, are you good at, yes, yes, I am drawing boundary, are you good at drawing boundaries?

No, I'm not. Yes. No boundaries. Okay. No, Mary and I have issues with that because her sense of privacy is very strong and rightfully so and mine is, there are two things going on. I actually, a big percentage, I don't know what of the time, enjoy it because people are smiling, they're remembering something that I was part of that made them laugh.

So they're not coming at me because I have some wild crazy sexuality thing going. I'm not hit on that way. I'm hit on, oh, hey, funny moment guy, you know, so that's nice. I've also discovered that no, I don't want to photograph or no, I won't do something. You know, if you're in a restaurant, you're eating or it's an intimate moment with, you know, just marrying me, yes, I can say no, but if it's, otherwise it takes more time to say no than it does to say yes and do it quickly. And I also believe, and this is probably a bit of a wank, I don't know, but I believe

that my job is to host people's impression of me, even though I know it's not me, and be gracious about that and match their energy so that I'm not leaving them feeling like they're an ass, you know, for doing this, that I'm making them feel like this was good for me too. You know, I think that's kind of a contract. By the way, that's Ted biting into a rice cracker. Which is a signal for everyone to take a little break, listen to Conan while we all shoot. Yeah, yeah, I just, I wanted to specify because it sounded like someone had cracked your sternum.

You can't see this at home, but a sumo wrestler just came up behind Ted, put his arms around his chest and cracked his sternum. It's funny because I've always liked to try and, I'm a people pleaser by nature, I want to please people. Sure. And then, and Sona, you've seen that side of me, right? Uh-huh, yes, absolutely. And then you've seen the other side of me say at work that wants to, if you're eating,

if someone is eating a really delicious brownie, I need to knock it out of her hand if she is really enjoying the brownie. Yeah. And you enjoy that, don't you, son? No, I absolutely hate that. I think that's the worst thing you do. It's when I'm enjoying something the most and I'm about to bite it, then you smack it out of my hand.

Okay. It's horrific. Just so everyone knows, I've been totally ashamed of, it's the rice cracker that's crunchy. So now, I'm just going to lick the almond butter off. Okay. Well, you're allowed to eat, I mean, this, in these times, Ted, we all have to do what it is we have to do and we have to be honest about it. If you need to crunch, if you need to chew, these are things we want you to do.

Has anyone else here noticed that COVID gas is much more prevalent, breaking wind during this moment is more than ever? What? I think COVID farts. I'm talking about COVID farts. Oh, no, no, no. We know exactly what you're talking about. I just don't know that this is supported by any medical evidence.

Well, don't be silly. Don't be silly. There's way less noise, there's way less noise, there's no cars, there's no people chatting and talking. It's just you and your farts and they're very loud and in my household prevalent. Yeah. So that is your experience of this COVID. That's what you're going to write in your diary that's recorded in history, is that...

The other half will be my underarm as, man, I think I pretend like this is not making me nervous and that I'm not fearful, but by the end of the day, my shirts flee from my body. I am so stinky. What happens? What's happening to you? You seem to be having some kind of... Is this a breakdown of some kind?

When you're all about appearance and the appearance is not that far from the reality, you're fine. But if you're walking around going, ah, this is just a great day and it's in the middle of a pandemic, your body goes, no! Right. And you break wind and you make a little stink. Jesus. This is... Well, it's the happiest I've seen so in a while, so I'm happy that you're so happy.

Is it the idea? I mean, is it... Are you just like the ideas of Ted Danson just falling apart in this way? Is that what you like, Donna? Just the picture in my head of a stinky farting Ted Danson just kills me. Oh, yeah. It's the best thing in my life. Thank you.

That's... Thank you, Bert. Thank you. They say it's your best work. Thank you. Thank you. It's really added a lot to the overall, yeah, I... Now I'm sweating.

I'm sorry. You're sweating? You're sweating because you're laughing so hard? I think it's because I'm thinking about sweating and now I'm sweating more. Yeah. I'm laughing a lot. I need to stop. I swear to God, one thing I wanted to mention, Ted, is that I've really tried to keep my

family and my kids away from the world that I'm in and what I do for a living, but we went to our favorite sushi restaurant once about two years ago. You came in and you hadn't been seated yet and you saw me, I think, and you came over and said hi and my kids couldn't believe that I could know you and that you would come over to me and say hi and then you were very gracious to all of them and my stock instantly went up, you know, like 120% with both of my kids and I saw it happen. I saw them think, wait a minute, we admire that man and that man seems to know you. It was just like a nice...

It was a really nice moment and then I had a bit of shame because the second part of this is that this shame immediately came afterwards, which is this is one of those places where they pride themselves on, you've got to put your name on the list and they really pride themselves, which is good if a big deal comes by, they don't bump them ahead. So we had gotten there much earlier, we had our seat, we were getting ready to leave and I noticed that you and Mary were told, yeah, you got to wait another hour and we had seats and I wanted to give you our seats and I said to the person at the restaurant, can I give them our seats?

And they were like, no, you can't and I said to this person, but it's not right. I said Ted Nansen and Mary Steenburgen should not stand while Conan O'Brien sits and the person was like, I agree because everyone understood the pecking order and they were like, yes, no, we understand that it's wrong that Conan O'Brien sits and eats while a Ted Nansen and a Mary Steenburgen stand, but those are the rules and then I just felt shame. I remember that well and we were both so shook up, we went home and had rice cakes and just kind of gave up. I saw you give up, I saw you decide we're not waiting an hour for this sushi as good

as it is, we're getting out of here and you did flip everyone off in the restaurant as you walked out. And if I'm in public and I'm really irritated, this was not that moment by the way. You know what, I was going to go to more flatulence, I'm not going to go there, I will leave it, I will walk away, I'm a more mature man, go ahead, back to your point. So what we are going to say is that when a restaurant doesn't seat Ted Nansen, he turns farts loudly into the room and leaves. No, no, no, farts, that's rookie, I crop dust all the way to the door.

That's your way of saying, I deserve better, you've treated an icon poorly. I leave you with this. That's your calling card. Now am I correct, you're going to be working next with two people after this, after this year through. But when we do return, we are going to return to normal life, aren't we Ted? You know, I'm so happy we're laughing and not glib, we're being happy and silly and having fun.

When you ask that question, my brain freezes and I go, I want to say yes, of course, and my brain can't, and I do believe in being optimistic and all of that. So I do say yes, of course, but I have no idea how and when. I can't imagine, our business is a touchy feely, you know, somebody puts makeup and does your hair first thing in the morning so they're all over your face. How do you do that one? Then you go hug and kiss and talk and people are all over you putting microphones on you. It is the most, you know, in your face kind of business.

I'm not 100% sure and I don't even mean just selfishly, how do you protect me? But how are you going to ensure that company? You know, how are you going to deal with this? But yes, of course. Yes, I do believe that science will out. I don't know when, but I do believe that this is not the pandemic to end the world. I believe that this is a huge lesson for us all, an opportunity to go, all right, the world is different and climate change is real.

It's making everything move, you know, fish have moved literally 100 miles north because the waters they're in are too warm, viruses are probably and animals are doing the same thing. We are going to live in a changed earth that's moving so fast that we can't adjust to that, you know, effortlessly. Oh, it'll be 50 years and we'll get used to this. No, every year we have a once in a lifetime event every other week, you know, we are now dealing with things moving so fast.

Right. I'm really on a rip here. Sorry. No, but this is good. This is good. My dream is, my hope, my wish is that science will be back in the forefront of how we need to live our lives. We've been letting, you know, social, political, religious and belief systems kind of lead

the way and that has to be over. You know, it's one thing to say this is what I believe, but if your beliefs are standing next to a loved one who's, you know, dying sadly, horribly in a very lonely way, then you have to say, wait a minute, science actually is more important. And these doctors who are saving our lives are using the same science that climatologists are using to say, heads up, life is about to come, you know, much different if we don't act immediately and drastically. So I mean, anyway.

No, but you know, you bring this up, it makes me or reminds me that I know your father was an archaeologist. And my father is still a microbiologist, an infectious disease scientist. And it's interesting whenever I've talked to him, he doesn't get hysterical. He doesn't get whenever I talked to him about this whole thing. And this is him his whole life. He's a scientist. His whole life is science.

So he'll always say, well, let's take a look at the testing. We got to see what the testing says. We have to see what the tracking is we need. And I have always thought that we live increasingly in a in a world and you see this if you watch if you watch the news, everybody wants to have something to say immediately. They want to have a strong opinion because strong opinions trend, right? Strong opinions get a hashtag and they they blow up online, nuanced opinions and thoughtfulness doesn't really track.

And so we're living in this world where we've drifted farther and farther and farther apart from just nuanced thinking and hysteria is not the answer. But I think you're right. I I I'm always been someone that was just I think because of the way I grew up believed in science. And if I told my dad, I don't feel well, I don't think I can go to school today. It literally take up and take our temperature. He'd take a swab of our throat, you know, would he put us through?

There was no like, OK, or you got to go anyway. He would say, well, let's see what science says. And then I'd be like, fuck, I got to go. I was always lying. And I do feel like the silver lining, which is something we've touched on a few times here is if we drift more or hue more to this fact. And if this pandemic gets Wall Street's attention and Wall Street says, oh, my God, we just we just wiped out a decade of gains because we refuse to collectively invest a billion dollars

in virus research. We got to do that. I mean, so I'm optimistic that way. I am, too, because I think what we need to get over and you see it all the time. You see some guy in a little teeny rowboat going up to a house that's underwater because of a flood and taking somebody off the roof and risking their lives. You see people do it all the time every day. If they stopped after saving each other's lives and go, here's what I believe in.

Here's my political view. They would be smacking each other and not talking. But if you just relate on a human, we need to fix what's in front of us. There's a roaring fire coming our way. What do we do about it? You're not going to stop and talk politics. You're going to do the right thing and be full of humanity and caring and all of that stuff.

And I just hope we don't have to suffer too much to come to that because life has changed and it doesn't have to be awful, but it's not going to be the same deal anymore. It's just not. And this was kind of a heads up. Yeah. Obviously, doing what I do, I've always had an audience. I don't see who's going to gather and sit in an audience. For something they really want to see, it's the original Hamilton cast coming together.

People will risk their lives, but they're not going to do it. They're not doing it for me. So we're all going to, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Obviously, I'm in show business because I have no answers. I'm not Dr. Fauci. And I'm glad. I'm glad I'm not Fauci.

You know, one of the things that'll be a plus side, he says with false humility and fear that I may be right, celebrities are going to be like, ho hum. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to hear a celebrity talk. I want to hear the scientist. I want to say thank you to the first responders. I think we're not going to be, hopefully. You know, it's funny you say that because even though you're a celebrity and I'm working my way into that realm, what's interesting is I've always rooted against it.

And I've always, in the 19th century, actors were not, they were buried with the prostitutes outside of town. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Exactly. No, it's true.

That's true. Yeah. And so people forget that when Abraham Lincoln was shot in Ford's theater, the big scandal wasn't as much that, oh my God, someone shot the president. It was he was in a theater when he was shot. We got to get him out of here. And he was in a theater. He wasn't watching pornography.

He was watching a light comedy, but it was such a scene as such a disgrace. They were like grabbed him and said, let's get him out of here and run him across the street because he can't die in a theater. That's just too embarrassing. So I've always, there's part of me that's always rooted for a return, you know, especially in a day when people say, look, I don't know how I feel about this. Let's check in with, you know, Khloe Kardashian, I don't, I'm kind of rooting for that time to be over with the exception of you and I, I still think you and I should be held in

high esteem. Yes. Yes. And high regard. Yes. Yes. Yes. What do you mean, Sonia?

Hey, hey. Can I, can I, can I click, can I get her off my screen? I'm tired of seeing her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm serious. Some celebrities who've shown depth and whose careers have lasted a long time for Ted, that

would be, you know, in the late 70s, you know, early 80s, or for me, early 90s, well into the next year, we should be held up in high regard. Oh, okay. Some of us, very few of us. Okay. You know, George Clooney, you know, just very few. George Clooney, that's the only other name you came up with. Well, it's hard.

It's hard to be at the top. When you're at the very top. It's hard. When you're at the very, when you're at the top, people tend to say, when you, people tend to say, there's, you know, there's Clooney, there's Danson, there's Conan, there's Cher, and then that's about it. Okay. This is, this is getting a little close to some very mean, spirited satire.

Oh, not at all. I was actually, only against myself. I think everyone else there is, is pretty high up the pole. And I think if anyone's laughing at anyone, it's me. Well, this is now, what do you do now? Because we're going to wrap this up, but what is your day now? You're going for a walk? Are you going to?

We did that. We, we went on a 40 minute, I don't know why I call them huff and puff, you know, to make sure we're kind of gasping for exercise, our lungs and our legs kind of walk and then came back and started working on this. Yeah. There's, yes, the 20 minutes of tech set up, which turned into, by the way, just, just play that. Just play that.

Yeah. That is hysterical. We're going to play, we're going to play a short section of it because hearing you, you're so gracious, but it's going so badly for so long that it was just a joy to sit here and listen to. Oh my God. Humbling. It humbles us all.

Humbling. I want, I want to, let me know when you and Mary are taking a walk the next time, I want to come by and try and get one of those paparazzi shaming shots where someone's mask is slightly below their nostril and they get a shot of them and they say, well, Ted Danson doesn't seems to feel like he doesn't need to cover both nostrils. Here's what I keep wanting to say to paparazzi. I will stop, I will pose, I'll do any, you know, horrible, embarrassing thing you want as long as you can guarantee me this will be published someplace because you're all over

us and no one buys the photographs. So go away. You know? Go away. Yeah. I've been riding, I've been riding my bike and, and, and like they'll pull up alongside and they'll shout and I've shouted at them with a big smile. They'll get nothing for these.

You know, it's happened. What's happened? There's no red carpet anymore. You know, there's no place where they can get their celebrity photos. So they're out stalking dog walkers and the whole deal. Well, Ted, I don't want to keep you any longer. You are a joy to talk to and it's, it's, it's, no, it's really, really seriously just wonderful that you would do this.

Let me, let me make you squirm for a second. Well, I adore you Conan O'Brien. I love being around you. I love doing your show, even when we're in front of an audience and trying to be entertaining. I am always relaxed and feel really good about myself when I leave. You're a really wonderful man and I'm happy to see your face. Truly am. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, same goes back right at you and whatever this lighting is that you've got right now. Keep it because if you look like there's a, the second Lucille Ball show after I love Lucy, there was a second show and it ended with a shot of Lucy in, and she was shot through a brick of cheese and you look, you're the most attractive 25 year old woman I've ever seen. So zoom is working for you.

Hey Ted, thank you so much really. And take care and all my love and my best to marry. Yeah. Much love back to all of you. Thank you guys. Thank you. Take care. Hands and all of that.

Thanks very much. Yes. So earlier in today's interview, when you were talking to Ted Danson, you mentioned how graceful and polite he was when he was getting set up with his recording system. Yeah. I wasn't there for this interview, but our crack advanced team, Will Bekdon, Jen Samples and Adam Sacks got him up to speed. Yeah.

Do you want to talk about that? We're going to hear a little bit. I'll just very briefly say that I was getting on the call, you know, to begin the interview and I heard, I didn't announce myself because I could tell that everybody was really busy, but I heard you guys talking Ted through how to engage, I guess the audio and set it up on his computer. He had no idea that this was being recorded and he is so nice and so patient, really lovely, but it's also hilarious.

It made me feel better because I'm getting okay boomered constantly by my son. And so just knowing because I'm inept at computers and trying to work any kind of mechanism. And so, Sona, you spend a lot of your time going, no, no, not this, that. And so, it was so nice for me to hear Ted dance and struggle in the exact same way that I struggle only, I think, with a lot more grace. Yeah, it's striking to hear the difference and the listeners can go back a couple episodes and hear your version of getting set up on Zoom or compare it with this and I think we're just different people, but who's to say which way is better?

Ted dancing. Ted dancing is way, way better. I already loved him so much, hearing how patient he was and how nice he was to everybody just made me love him so much more. He has some sort of zen-like thing when the way he was being walked through it and he was so patient through it all. Okay, now I'm just, now I'm seeing that Ted dancing is just being used as a giant club to hit me.

Oh my God. He's so nice. So patient. I want to make it clear that- So calm. So handsome. That I'm in constant physical pain from some old football injuries and that maybe that makes me a little contankerous.

I wasn't playing football at the time. I was near a football stadium reading a comic book when I was hit by a bus. I call it a football injury. Anyway, let's check out, this is the real Ted dancing, a window into who this man really is struggling as we all do in a world we don't understand. Oh, here we go. There you are. Hey, you look great.

Hi. Hello. Oh, so can you hear, oh wait, near a bus. Hey, can you hear me? Yes. Oh, fantastic. I feel like I'm underwater. You know what?

I just pushed them so far in they were almost touching. I pulled them out a little bit. It's okay now. Okay. Am I blurry? You are blurry. I wonder if there might be something over your webcam. Should I try getting a little Kleenex?

If you have like a little, like a microfiber cloth, like the kind of thing you'd use to clean glasses that- I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but do I look like someone who has all the right? All right, how about a shirt? Shirt or- It feels weird because it's never been quite like this. Is that- I prefer not to have to watch myself because I'm so much better looking than Conan.

It would be so distracting for me. Please, please pass that on. That's weird. It's like a focus thing because my hand is not as out of focus as- It's fine for us if it's not. All right. Oh, no. Fine for me.

Fine for me. Do you mind if we look at a couple computer settings things? Yes, please. But trust me, this will be embarrassing. But go ahead. Okay. Can I just disappear you for a second or will that- Yeah.

Oh, that's not going to mess up anything. You're still right smack in the middle of it. Can I drag you someplace? Yeah. Anything you need to do. How do I do that? Sorry. So if you just go up to the top.

Now, if I push the red button on my audio recording, that's what I'm supposed to do. And has the red dot turned into like a black square? No. It went on to a black box, square box. That's great. So what if my voice was as kind of misty as the visual of me? That'd be weird. I'm sorry.

I'm talking. I'm not actually- And this is Adam Sacks, by the way. Just join. Hi, Adam. Thank you so much for doing this. I'm a little fuzzy. I'm happy to do it.

This is really lovely. Would you be able to hit Command-S? Are you talking to me? Yes. Okay. I'm just as happy as a little box. Should I hit Save now? Save, yes.

Okay. Now that's gone. Should I hit Record yet or not? Not yet. Do I have to go back? Do you see us now? I could make you. How do I make you big again by hitting green?

Even though three little buttons, red, yellow, green, you know, you're just a little thing in the corner. What I have is, because I moved you guys. Oh, yeah. I have you a little bit left and I have a big screen. Maybe I go back to meeting. I think there must be something going on with my camera, because I am so fuzzy. Have you tried, like, literally just maybe taking your cloth and just wiping it?

Yeah. My mind's wanting to say all sorts of inappropriate things, but yeah. Like, yes, I'm not a mom. No, no, no. Do you see a thing that says chat? Do you see that? Uh, chat? No.

Because all I have is Zoom, group, chat, white box over your face. If you go to Finder, which is the smiley face, and then the... I hope you're recording this shit, because this is some good stuff. Well, you should have heard us set up the first time. It was very similar. Okay. Yeah. All right.

So a white box that has Skype and Arrow and applications and a balloon thing. Yeah. So if you can go to your desktop and... Sorry. Where's my desktop? Oh, five. So I... Where would I find that?

Okay. Good. All right. Now what? Attachments? Oof. Oh, messed this up. Ted?

Oh, that's me. Now, can you hear the recording? It might be that we have to go without headphones. Who? Me? Mr. Danes, you don't have ear pods, do you? I don't. I'm sorry.

I forgive me. If you want to hold, I can go look. The headphones are there, but it goes into my wife's iPad, and I have an old computer that is that prong, airplane prong thing you stick in. I don't know what, a square little prong thing to get in. Check this thing. Want me to go look? All right.

I can go look. I'll need three minutes. Okay. Thank you so much. Have a good time. Thank you. Bye. Oh, this looks promising.

Oh, this looks good. Wow. This might work. That's great. We're so sorry about this. No, no, no, no, no, no. The last thing we want to do is waste your conversation. But we're recording it.

So go ahead and go. Okay. So quick time player. Where's the quick time player? Command tab. You can. I got the tab. Where's the command?

Left of the space bar. I'm not finding it. Itunes. Moondan. Quick time player. Got it. Yay. Okay.

We're doing it. Okay. And so. Hello. Hello. Testing. Yeah. We'll start the real one now.

Good. How do I get back so I can see y'all again? Once you get the recording going, I'll tell you how to do that. Quick time player. No. All right. Got it. Oh, I'm found again.

Yes. Oh my God. I love it. Beautiful. You're so beautiful. We're going to clap on a silent four. So it'll be one, two, three clap. Okay.

Everybody ready? One, two, three. We're going to start the real one. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Ewald.