Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Body Man

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Conan chats with Tyler from Mississippi Mills about being a bus driver, feeling unsafe on the job, and what disses Conan would sling at his younger self. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey there, Tyler. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. This is Sonan Conan. Welcome to what?

Just take it easy, Tyler. Tyler, you're coming in real hot, Tyler. And first of all, you got to chill. Conan, I apologize. Thank you. That was appropriate. And I think all my interviews should begin with people apologizing. And while you're at it, Gorley, I think you owe me an apology.

I apologize. Sonan? No, I'm good. Okay. I take my back. Tyler, you were coming to us from someplace in Canada, but I don't know where. Yes, sir. I'm about an hour outside of Ottawa, a community called Mississippi Mills.

Now, I'm about to ask a question and I don't care what the answer is, but I just want to seem like I'm engaged. Perfect. Are you an hour north of Ottawa, east, west, or south? We are... What are we? West. It's west, but again, I could have thrown out anything.

Yeah, I don't believe... We're parallel. First of all, I do believe that you're Canadian because of the way you're speaking, but I do not believe that you were anywhere near Ottawa. I think you're lying about that because you were very slow to come up with a very simple answer. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah.

You're in Toronto, aren't you? Speaking of which, they were just talking about your Toronto show when you came to town. They were wondering, who was the guy that came and skated with the Maple Leafs? Who was it? Well, that was me. Well, they thought it was Carrot Top. Oh, oh. Oh, they thought it was Carrot Top?

No. No, I'm kidding. Carrot Top. I'm sorry. No, no, no. You can't remember who it was. Well, first of all, I don't like your jokes, Tyler. You're not the first.

You came in hot, and now you're saying that people were confusing me with Carrot Top, which has enraged me. Yeah. It enraged me. By the way, I love him. There's no better prop comedian with a six pack than Carrot Top. There's no other prop comedian with a six pack. But I got to say, it's lovely to talk to you.

You as well. And I want to know your story. Clearly, you've sought me out because I'm an important figure in your life. Oh, God. Absolutely. I just, I'm embarrassed. Again, I don't leave anything he's saying. No, I don't either.

You're not in Ottawa, and you loathe me. But we've established that. Tell us what you do. Tell us what you do for a living. So, I am a bus driver with the city. A people mover, if you will. I've been doing it for 15 years. You all know what a bus driver is.

He only confused us more. I'm the guy at the very front with the... Yeah, that's good. So, yeah, I've been doing that for 15 years now, give or take. And it's... I love, there's Tyler the creator, and this is Tyler the over explainer. I'm a bus driver. You know, we move people in a large rectangular vehicle, and I'm towards the front.

I used to be a mover. I said I was a relocation technician. Wow, wow. I think that's fair. If you had said that, I would have assumed you were a mover. There we go. Absolutely. I like to tell people I dabble in the comedic arts, and then they look at my work and they disagree. So, you're a bus driver, and I'm curious, are you a fan of the movie Speed?

And do you think, because that's really... I think that's the only action movie that's ever been made about a bus. Is that correct, Corley? The Gauntlet. Oh, it's the Clint Eastwood, and is it Tine Daily, where they kind of have to go through a whole armored city area on a bus? Clint Eastwood and Tine Daily? I know it's...

Why did you know that right away? That's crazy. Did you watch it yesterday? Probably, if not this morning. I'm sorry. Speed is... And we're forgetting Tyler here. Tyler, Speed is one of two bus movies. Yes, yes. And really only two... Saundra Locke, sorry, his former wife.

But there is a movie he made with Tine Daily. Okay, yeah, but that was, I think, one of the Dirty Harry movies. Was it? Yeah. Again, you've taken us down. You're very good at this. A cul-de-sac where there's nothing to eat. There's no... No house?

There's no fuel. There's no house. He takes you down conversational cul-de-sacs. You know when they start to build a land development, a planned community, and then they stop, but there are still cul-de-sacs in the middle of a field and there's just grass growing up? That's where he takes us. I don't disagree.

No. Thank you, Matt. Which means you agree. Listen, Tyler, I will not ignore you anymore, and I apologize for my friends. They're the worst. It's okay. I'm happy to see them both for the record.

Thank you. I'm shocked to see Sona. I didn't do anything. I thought Sona would have taken the day off, but today being what it is. Hey, that's right. Oh, 420. It's 420.

Yeah. I've got a happy hour planned, but I'm not going to... I bet you do. It's after bedtime for my boys. I am an adult now. I would say congratulations on the kids. Thank you.

But I'm sure you're sick of hearing it from everybody. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice. I'm actually curious if anyone's ever pooped on your bus. Oh, yes. Yeah, right? Absolutely. I can't believe it.

That was my next question. That's insane. Right here it was, where are you from? And then underneath I wrote in parentheses, if bus driver has anyone pooped on your bus. You didn't even know he was a bus driver. Oh, this was before I knew he was a bus driver. It said if bus driver, and then an arrow goes right to,

has anyone pooped on the bus? That's how well I prepare. So you're a bus driver, and people... No, they have not. No one's come on your bus. Has anyone come on your bus and said, keep this above 50 miles per hour, or I poop on the bus?

No. No, but I have had a gentleman drop a deuce on the bus. I've had another gentleman who rang the bell to get off, and just dropped trout, and took a leak, and then just walked off as if it was something that everybody does. And then for the next two stops, it's running up and down the aisle.

Oh. Okay, but that's right. You're going up hills, and then down hills, and yes, I see. It would be like a tidal flow. Yes. Come on. My question is, he rang...

You said he rang the bell to stop the bus, then urinated. That's correct. He knew his stop was coming up. So that was an anticipation of him urinating. And that's so cool that he didn't get pishy. Like, he... Oh, here comes my stop.

I should pee now, rang the bell. Right. I mean, it takes me a little while to just sort of chill. Me too. You know, I sort of have to visualize different historic events, and then I can urinate. Okay. I can't be conscious that it's about to happen.

It has to happen. Exactly. I'm like that as well. And Tyler, wow. So being a bus driver is not all fun and games. You have to deal with people who are misbehaving wildly. Have you ever felt like you were threatened on the bus? Oh, Conan.

All the time. All the time. First off. Wait, did you just fall in love with me? You went, oh, Conan. Conan, I wouldn't be here if that hadn't taken place long ago. Thank you. That's nice.

Thank you, Tyler. Sorry. What was the question? I'm just... The question was... Well, my God, you really are in love with me. You can't even construct your thoughts correctly. Have you ever felt unsafe as a bus driver?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So first off, you're back to everybody. And there are some interesting people that take public transportation. So you kind of have to always... It's actually weird. You know, before you even pick a person up, as you approach that stop, something in you says, this person's going to be a problem for me.

Oh, right. And it's one of those things. But yeah, I've been spat on by a young lady who I asked to get off the bus because she was having a verbal disagreement with her young boyfriend. And I said, listen, kids, you've got to take the F words outside. And they were not a fan. She came up and just started hitting me and spitting on me. And I was, you know, like this.

Jesus. Trying to block it. That's terrible. Oh, it was awful. It was awful. Oh, my God. But those things happen. I mean, first of all, I immediately side with the boyfriend in this

because she's clearly out of control. Oh, you know the story. Yeah, yeah. At all. What's that? You don't know the story. You don't know the story. Well, I know that she spit on my good friend Tyler, which I don't like.

You had to check his name in your notes before you said my good friend Tyler. My one of my best friends who lives west of Ottawa about an hour. He's a people mover. Hold on a second. Tyler. That's right. No, I, that's terrible. That's terrible that, that you had to endure that.

Do you ever just need to get away from it? Oh, yes, all the time. I'm actually on leave for mental health reasons right now, to be honest with you. Oh. It, so I've always had. Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. It just, you know, it's the type of job where some people are built for it and others aren't. And I may have met my expiry date. That's all. You know, it is what it is. Yeah. How long did you do it for?

I just started my 15th year. Wow. Yeah. It's maybe time to move on, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. I find it interesting that you're using your mental health recovery time to call into Conan O'Brien as a friend. Yeah. I think that's a terrible idea.

Yeah. Yeah. No, the therapist warned me about it. That's one of the first things they tell you when you take a mental health break. Do not call into podcasts in general, but specifically, and then we're on the specifics list. Yeah. Yeah. The blacklist.

Yeah. So that was interesting. No, you guys have helped me out throughout the process. Yeah. Your cells, other pods like you, you know, the smart list crew. Oh, yeah. Sebastian got, you know, all those great pods, plus all your true crime pods as well. Well, what we're going to do in editing is take out all the other mentions of podcasts.

So it sounds like we're pretty much the only one. No free rides for the smart list guys. No. I know those guys and they're getting away with murder, in my opinion. That Arnett's got an attitude for a Canadian. He really does. He really does. He's lost himself.

You know what? Thank you. And I don't want to start, I really don't want to start beef with, with the smart list crew. I've done their podcasts twice. I really do love those guys, Arnett aside. No, I love all three except Arnett. But in total, I think there's two of the three best podcasters in the business. And Arnett specifically, not one of them.

But every show needs, you know, whatever, an anchor they need to drag behind. My point is, I think you're right. I think he's forgotten where he comes from. He comes from Canada and he's become this slick Hollywood guy. I mean, when I grew up with him in Canada, probably something about me you didn't know, he was just a real simple Canadian guy, you know, and he's just changed. He's changed so much. Well, it's nice that you stayed true to your roots though.

I did. You're the least Canadian person. I did. No, I'm not. That's not true. I did, I, I did a week of shows in Toronto. I was the first late night host to go to Toronto. And I really felt like I bonded with the Canadian people.

Yeah. And when I'm just walking around, Canadians go crazy. Yeah, but they're so polite and kind to people and apologetic. And I just, Oh, so you're saying they're just being kind to you? Oh, no, I'm just saying, I think you were saying, I didn't forget my roots because you were doing a whole bit about how you're from Canada. And I said, you're not Canadian at all.

I think I'm very Canadian. No. I think I'm very, very Canadian. I think, didn't you, there wasn't some sort of citizenship while you were here in Toronto? Yes. And I passed the citizenship test. Some sort of papers? Yeah.

Didn't you go on a bus and then ring the bell and just urinate all over the place too? I do that whenever I travel a show. That's just called, it's called the Conan. Speaking of which, you may want to hydrate. Trust me. It was a little funky. No. So you're taking a break.

I'm glad that you're taking a break, Tyler, and that you're looking after yourself from, you know, all the trauma that you've had to go through as a bus driver. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that. What are you doing? Like, what are your hobbies? What are you doing now? You're hanging around the house. You're taking a little Tyler time, a little you time.

What are you doing? Hanging around the house, trying to build things around the house. We tried to build a sauna or in the process of, got new power tools, took off my finger with one of them. No. Tip of. No. Did you really?

Yeah. If you watch my initial interview, I bring out my hand a few times and there's just a wad on one of my fingers because I took my, just took my eye off the table saw for a second, grab it a piece of wood. No. And that's all it took. Tyler, it hasn't aired yet, but in the next week or two, there will be a Conan needs a fan episode where a woman worked in a wood shock and she was petrified of losing a finger.

Yeah. There are common themes coming out there. I don't know if it's COVID or what, but because of the trauma that everyone's been through, power tools, fear of power tools, this is a theme. And so you lost the tip of your finger. We were able to recover it and get it reattached. No, because I didn't cut it off, you know, naturally this way. I cut it down the finger, down the bone.

Oh, no. Oh, yes. You forced your finger. You forced your finger. Yeah. Oh my God. Did you lose, so what's the treatment? Did they sew it back together?

So when I went in, they injected it with some sort of cleanser and there was an arterial bleed. And so once their objective was to get it to stop bleeding. And then after that, the doctor said, there's nothing I can sew this to. What? So you just have essentially six fingers on one hand, but two of them are smaller? Well, no, this, it actually. What are you talking about?

No, they attached, they attached them together. They didn't leave it for, did they? I mean, there's good advantages to that. Can we see it? Yeah. Can we see? So I'm day two without a bandage and we're talking two months ago. However, I can show you if you want to see it.

Yeah. Yeah, please. All right. So this is just it starting to come back here. I don't know if you're getting it, but. Oh, wow. Well, that doesn't look so bad. It looks like you just stuck your finger in a bowl of oatmeal.

Or up your nose. All right. Nope. As well. It was so black for so long, I thought this is never coming back. And now that it is coming back, science, it boggles my mind. It boggles my mind. There's no way for this to have healed the way it has, but just the body, man.

Yeah. That's what it needs to do. The body, man. The body. You know what? There's not a day that doesn't go by where I don't just say to myself, the body, man. Yeah. You know?

For sure. Often when I'm looking at my own body. Yeah. Oh. You are the body, man. Thank you. Yeah. What a creep.

So, Tyler, it's time for you to go back to the bus. I'm sorry, but you left the bus because of danger and fear for your physical and mental health. And what do you do? You immediately buy power tools and cut yourself in half. I think it's time to go back to the bus. That sounds correct. You know?

Well, you know what? What's been helping me? I got therapy chickens. Oh. I know we had the optometrist on multiple episodes back and we talked about getting pecked in the eye. Yes. That's a legit concern, guys.

You know, the chickens, they're very loving. They want to be scooped up and given a nice morning hug. You need to be aware or else you're going to take one to the face. I have since heard that the reason they go for the eye is that it's a shiny kind of almost like a worm or something. They think they're safe. No. Most people are.

I would think you'd be safe because your eyes are very dead. There's no light in them. No, no, no, no. You're very dead out. No, no, no. These are no. No, no. You have that kind of Charles Groden just dead in the eyes.

No. These are. No, it's funny. It's funny. The first time I met you, I said, oh, look, it's the shark, Bruce, from Jaws. No, no. Kind eyes. There's just nothing in there.

Anyway, you're safe. Chickens will not go for your eyes. Well, tell it to my great grandfather. Well, listen, we've learned that, yes, Gurley's great grandfather's eye was pecked out. Ellsworth Ezekiel. Love the jingle. Bartholomew. It's more than a jingle.

I peck. I didn't mean to upset you about the jingle comment. Sorry. Tyler, wow. Yeah, be careful of chickens because that's another thing. We're learning power tools are dangerous. We're also learning that chickens are assholes. They really are.

They're just, they're. They really suck. Yeah. And they will. Shit wherever they want. Oh, come on. Well, you're one to talk. You've got a bus where shit's flying all over the place.

If you stop fast, if you stop fast, it coats the windshield. I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry, but you just getting on me for being weird and creepy. But Tyler, I'm glad that you have therapy chickens. Wear safety goggles because they will attack the eyes because you actually, unlike Gurley, have light and humanity in your eyes. Thank you for noticing. Oh, please, please even is and it's zoom enhanced.

Would you have a question for me, Tyler? Is there a way I can help you as a question I can answer? I do. So as a lot of us have always wondered, you know, we've seen Conan grow up as we've grown up ourselves. And now we see an older Conan, a mature Conan, I guess. So if younger Conan will say 20 year old meets current Conan and they're having some sort of disagreement and it looks like it's going to turn ugly, going to turn to fisticuffs.

What type of slangs are being sent back and forth? And if it does get physical, how does this thing end up? Oh, good question. That's a good question. Well, OK, a 20 year old Conan doesn't really have the clearest skin, a little bit of acne. So current Conan would probably go after him for his complexion. Oh, brutal. Well, I'm sorry.

You said what's going to happen. So if he was coming at me and saying like, hey, old man, you know, you build your coffin yet because you're getting close. Oh. I always say, you know, fuck off. It's called Clearasil. You should try some. But you've lived through.

You've been that Conan. How brutal would that be? Haven't you learned the lesson? Tyler asked me a question and I'm telling you that if young Conan is coming at me, first of all, and also I'll tell you something else about young Conan. Young Conan is tall but extremely skinny. It's about 6'4", like 160 pounds. Whoa.

And I'm not lifting. I do a lot of exercise now. I could clean young Conan's clock. You think so? Oh, yes. Okay. No, there's also the strength of years and years and years of me just living in the world and being embittered.

And so I think there's an older Conan would be savage. Younger Conan wouldn't know what hit him. Younger Conan would be like, look at you. You got old. And then I would just totally, I would hit myself so hard that the acne would just fly off my head. But if you hit young Conan so hard, those injuries would carry into your current day. Yeah.

You're only hurting yourself. No, you'd see small changes in the shape of my skull, but they would have healed in that time. So you'd see, if you were just staring at my face during the fight with younger Conan, you'd see my skull kind of undulating quietly, maybe one eye disappearing, one tooth going away and being replaced with a replacement tooth, you know. Like sloth. Exactly.

Yeah. But still. Baby Ruth. Baby Ruth. Yeah. Yeah. And then I would just mock young Conan for like, oh, so you didn't have a credit card and you took a girl to a restaurant on a date and you thought, really, you thought California

Pete's Kitchen was the right idea? 20. Still. I need to believe younger Conan had a date. Oh. Welcome to the table, Tyler. Wow. That's my time.

He's wrapping himself. Wow. I'm just staring at Tyler in absolute disbelief. Look at the camera. You went, that was such a hard slam. Yeah. I'm just, I'm giving older Conan some, some, you know, something to go at younger Conan with that.

Yeah. Hey, you're right. You're right. You're actually ammunition. Yeah. I could say, huh, lost your virginity at 31. That's pathetic. He didn't know that 20-year-old Conan's like, I'm going to lose it any second.

But he just found out. And he's second now. We're going to be like, you think so? Eleven years? That's where he just turned down. Eleven years? Oh, God. Eleven, what happened?

Oh, trust me, you try younger Conan. Oh, you do try. But you never quite get there. Only one seems kind of, well, it seems late in the game. Oh, it is late in the game, pal. Don't worry, you'll be well into Barack Obama's first term. Oh, my God. Before you hit the glory zone.

The glory zone. The glory zone. I think this starts off as you guys think you're going to fight and then you're just going to hug each other and console each other. And then make out. Okay. And you lose your virginity to yourself. This needs 10 now.

I can't do this anymore. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is more complicated than one of those Marvel movies with nine porn. Yes. Or the like angel question. If you go back in time and kill baby Hitler, you go back in time and make love to yourself first.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Okay. This took a terrible turn. I'm so sorry for asking. Yeah. Tyler, this is all your fault.

Yeah, it is, Tyler. And the way that people used to get onto your bus and take a shit, you came onto our podcast, dropped trowel and just let fly. That's what you did to our podcast. And I'm going to answer. I am going to ask you to leave. Yes. I'm stopping the podcast and that's going to pull up your pants and leave this esteemed

audio experience. Just so happens to be this is my stop. Okay. Where is it? Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vavino. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.

Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Bekton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.