Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Body Politic Part I

Episode Date: September 17, 2026

Conan talks to tattoo artist Grace from Bristol about the wide world of body modification from tongue-splitting to belly button removal and beyond. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Grace. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hello there. Nice to be here.

How are you, Grace? I'm very good. How are you? Well, lovely to meet you. And you look fantastic. You really do. And I want to, there's so much to talk about here

because it says on my little piece of paper here that you are in Bristol, England. Is that correct? That is correct. I was in London about a week and a half ago. So sorry I missed you. I'm sorry you missed me too. She doesn't sound sorry at all.

Yeah, you seem... You seem quite pleased that you dodge the serial international creep. Now, I don't know much other than it says here that you are a body modification assistant. I know nothing about this topic. Talk to me about, I see that you have tattoos, but what does body modification include?

So I'm actually a tattoo artist, but when I was coming up in the industry, I was a body piercer who then met a body modification artist and became their assistant. And body modification in the realm that I'm talking about would be like things like tongue splits, scarification, subdermal implants, the removal of certain things. Yeah, kind of just coming up in like the alternative scene in Plymouth where I grew up. Yes. Being into punk music and stuff like that, I was always seeing these like heavily tattooed and

pierced like singers in bands and stuff like that. And it very much inspired me and it got me kind of like wanting to learn more about it. And I was always fascinated by it and I was always wanting to get certain things done. Like I was dying to get my tongue split since I was like probably 14, 15. Oh, talk to me about that. Let's start with tongue splitting because I don't know anything about that. I know that people can get a piercing on their tongue, but I didn't know about a tongue splitting. What's that?

Is this? Can I show you? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God! Oh, shit. Oh, my God. That is crazy.

You have a forked tongue. Yes. I can't believe a thing you're saying. So that's for appearance, right? That doesn't, it doesn't. Well, actually, it would give your tongue more surface area. Hmm. I think.

Your tongue is two separate muscles, so that's why this bit works so well. You can move them independently. But yeah, it makes, so great, like, I can pick food out of both sides of my mouth at the same time. Oh, my God. And you could stick your tongue out at two separate people across the room. Yeah. Oh, Jesus, man. Good point.

That's not cool. Yes, it is. Yeah. That feels like it's not cool. That's actually really cool. You know what? Many times I've wanted to stick my tongue out, but I have to choose which person to do it. And they're usually on either side of a room some distance from me.

Then this is the procedure. for you. That's exactly why I got it done. Does it? There must be some ways in which it's inconvenient. Like, maybe not. If they're licking ice cream, how is it, is it, is it, do,

you must taste more ice cream. No, because there's not taste buds in the inside of your tongue, right? You're not getting new taste buds, are you? Well, probably not. No, I taste exactly like my taste, nothing was different apart from the fact that these two things in my mouth now move independently, but honestly, it felt very freeing to get my tongue split. Like, as soon as it was done

and I started moving it, I was like, oh my God, it feels like my tongue has been in a vice this whole time. Did it change your speech at all? So I did have a slight list when I first got it done. And I had to kind of train myself to not have one. But it wasn't like severe or anything like that. It's kind of all dependent on the person. But yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's, It was something I'd always wanted done from a young age. And then I got a piercing apprenticeship in London. And the woman who was my mentor, she was like this radical, you know, heavily modified Polish woman who was terrifying. He basically was able to facilitate that for me because she was like the gatekeeper to body modification for me. And she opened the door and introduced me to

people who could facilitate all these sorts of things, you know? So there are so many things. You said you've done something to your belly button. What did you have done to your belly button? I removed it. How do you remove a belly button? You can do that. I didn't know you could do that.

So what are the, is it just smooth there now? There's no sign of anything ever having been there? Yes, exactly. Like a barbecue. Oh. What did you do with it? Yeah, what happens to the, I actually set

So I'm 37 now And I got it done when I was like 19, 20 So What I did was I took it, dried it And set it in resin In a heart shape And I gave it to the boy

That I fancied at the time Oh my God You know, that's a mafia death threat That's right up with a fish in your mailbox A penny button, yeah Oh my god. Did you get it back when you guys broke up? No, I never got it back.

Oh, my God. Your belly buttons. You know, it's so great you guys break up and where he breaks up with you and you go to his door and you're crying and you want, I want my belly button back. I had a girlfriend once demand the sweater. She knit me back because we broke up. And so this is the same thing. I'm giving me back to my body part. Yeah.

You also had your eyes tattooed. purple? Are you talking about the iris of your eyes? Yeah, so, I don't know if you can see. Oh my God. How do you do? Wait, I don't understand how that works. Your eyes are purple. Why have you not been grabbed by the government for being an alien? Well, I'm actually moving to America at the end of the year, and it is one of my fears. Trust me, it's not going to be your top fear, Grace. Plenty of other shit going on here right now.

You'll soon forget all your modifications. So you've got that's in, so her eyeballs are tattooed purple. Does that hurt when they do it? So it wasn't necessarily painful like the procedure because it's done by injection. And like, so imagine that the white part of your eye is covered in saran wrap. That's what you guys call it, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you're all ready for America. Don't worry about it. I am. I'm ready to go. I just learn Captain Crunch and you're sad. So yeah, they put, imagine like your eye, the white of your eye has this kind of clear layer over it. And there is like a pocket in between that where the ink sits. The sclera.

So it's somebody, yeah, exactly the sclera. There you go. They basically inject around the eye. I've had 12 injections in each eye. Oh my goodness. And it kind of spreads out, like the little bubble of ink kind of forms on top of the eye. And then within like an hour, it starts to disperse and like spread. out. So this in no way affects your vision? I have never had any issues in my vision, but I'm not

going to sit here and say that, no, there's no risk. There's massive risk. And people have gone blind. People have lost their eyes. I was the assistant of the body modification artist who invented the procedure. So I was, you know, assisting a lot of eyeball tattoos. And I loved the way that it looked, but I obviously was a little bit cautious about how risky it was. But, you know, being young and dumb, and after a while, I was like, fuck it, let's go. Yeah. Can I scare? Yes. Yes, we can always have it removed. Okay. And give it to a former lover. Yeah, exactly. The fuck it is now being given to my girlfriend. Okay. So these are the, you do piercings. You pierce ears. you also pierce nipples

and you pierce women's genitalia but not men's genitalia. Is that correct? I feel like this is a trial, by the way. I know. Yeah, the way you're asking it. You're... She's not very square.

Dr. Lecter. Is it not true? Object argumentative. So you pierce women's... Say it. Say it. Say it. Sacred spaces.

Oh, God. Yes, I pierce clitoris and labors. There's no evidence there's a clitoris. None. I'm a clitoris denier. I'm on record. You don't think that they exist. I'm just, I've never seen any evidence.

Listen, Grace. You don't want to go down this road with me. It's not pleasant. No, so, but you don't. Don't do women. You don't do penises. Is that right? So yeah, I started off as a piercing when I was a teenager and I learned to do everything. My mentor taught me how to pierce everything. And I did that for years. I worked in Soho in London and I'm sure you've been to Soho. It's a fun place. I do. I love Soho. Yes, it's a great place. But because of it being in Central London and being so next to, so, like I worked on. Wardle Street, which is really close to where all like the fetish shops and the sex shops are. Sure. Which don't get me wrong.

I love all of that. But because of that, we'd get like an influx of older gentlemen who would like to get their genitals pierced. Interesting. Yes, I was happy to oblige. But then I noticed a pattern where there was just like, you know, they would get a piercing and then it would fall out two weeks later. and they'd come in and be like, can you put it back in for me? And then it got to the point when it was like,

oopsie, dopsy. They fell out again. Oopsie. Oopsie. I'm done with that. Yeah. I'm pierced female genitalia all day, every day, all day long.

Love that. Because that just feels like a bonding sister moment, you know? Sure. Yeah. I mean, I'm saying, sure. I just don't know. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you.

I have to be honest with you. I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bonding. How does much does all of this cost? Is it expensive? I imagine, because when I get my eyes dyed, I don't want to go the cheap route.

I want to get the best person. Is all of this expensive? So body modification is definitely more expensive than like piercing because it's more high risk. But when I got all my modifications done like over 15 years ago, So it's probably a bit different now. Like I paid 250 pounds to get my tongue split. And I think that's probably pretty cheap compared to what the going rate is today.

Yeah. But yeah, I think the eyes are at least a couple of grand. I'm not sure. Yeah. I didn't pay for mine. I know I'm doing that. I'll do it for 20. I'll do it for 20.

You're going to do it? I'll do it for 20. Okay. Well, that's no one's going to go to you. But do you? I'll split your whole face for free. What about a penis? Splitting a penis is a very...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back it up. You split, you can split a penis? He's blacking it up because he's interested. Yeah. Yes, you can split a penis, Kloon. But I don't understand. I in no way you understand. Okay, let's go through the levels.

There are levels to this shit, right? Okay. So, level one would be, imagine that the head of the penis is a birthday cake, right? right? Yeah. And obviously you have the urethra, which is the center of the cake. Yes. And then you have that seam that goes down the back of the head of the penis.

Yes, yes. Right? So imagine you are cutting the first slice of cake. Not the one, two, just the first cut. Yeah. You cut down that seam and expose the urethra. Right? So this is the penis.

Okay, okay. And you expose the urethra. Okay. Then leaven two would be either exposing the whole head or continuing to expose the bottom of the urethra going down. But what's the purpose? Do you end up with two penises? Well, some people who go very extreme with it do.

They'll end up with this. Oh. Sorry, just this naive, but everything then still functions? Yeah, how do you pee if the urethra is just dangling in the wind? And can you have sex with two women across the room from the house? We were going to get to that. We're getting that, man. Your anatomy, the bigger the anatomy, I'm guessing the more that we can do with it, the more opportunity there is for that sort of thing.

You can get fancier with a bigger cake. You can do more. Exactly. Let's talk. When there's levels to the cake. Let's talk about the smaller cake. A cupcake. Maybe.

A mini cupcake. Not even a cupcake. One of those mini cupcakes. You know, talk about the mini. Reese's piece. Meadow buttercup. Oh my God. You can't even get one candle on it.

I've never had coitus with someone with a split penis, but from my understanding of talking to people, you can, once the penis is erect, put it together, and insert it. No, you've got to stay with one side? It has to.

It has to, right? Yeah, it has to. The ureter. If it's a good body modification artist, they will split the urethra. No! Double urethras? You get two streams when you pee. Well, no, you get no streams.

You basically pee like a girl. You'd have to sit down. Oh, Christ's sake. It's a gusher. Because it would just go everywhere. You've got, like, you're cutting the hose in half. Do you know what I mean? So there's no direction.

Why can't you not go right down the middle so that you still have a urethra and you pee off out of one and the other one's just for fun, you know? Because... Like, hey, you go and you urinate and I'm going to get to work over here. The penises are talking to each other. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that's cool. Hey, buddy, I'm going over. I'm going to use a urinal. Why don't you go check her out? All right. But, you know, you guys sit down to pee for a treat sometimes, right? So it's like you're just treating yourself all the time. No, I don't sit down as a treat.

I don't know that. I mean, that's a sad life if that's my big treat I give myself. I think I'll sit down to pee. I haven't been happy for eight years. No, I've never done that as a treat. No, I don't think men sit down to pee. Yeah, not typically. Not men, I know.

Maybe not in the U.S., but in the UK, that's how they treat themselves. The national pastime. Yeah. God save the queen plays every time you sit. Oh, that's a tough week. I'm going to take a treat. Oh, sit down. So cool.

You, okay. you have suggestions it says here for Conan and Sona as to what we should have done. What would you have me do? What should I, what if I came in, Grace, and I said to Grace, what's your suggestion? What would you say? Well, because of the way you look, I feel like you have a bit of a Ken vibe, like Ken doll vibe, you know, a bit of a Ken and Barbie vibe. And Ken doesn't have any nipples. So I would say, like, why don't you just elevate your kenness and remove your nipples?

Okay. So just smooth. It'll be smooth there. Can you remove nipples? Yeah, absolutely. It's not really something that's done on women because you have a higher chance of getting mastitis. But with men, it's very easy. So, okay, step one, both nipples go, and I gift them to Matt and Tessona.

Yeah, once they're, of course, appropriate. dried in a kiln. Vintage. Okay, what else? Let's go to town. I will have my belly button removed as well, because if you're going to go Ken, you might as well go all the way.

And what do I do with my Don Johnson down south? What would you have me do with that? Well, in my experience, the more conservative looking the man is from the outside, the more extreme. Yes, I've got kinks. I've got major kinks. Exactly.

So I think we go like full, whole hog, cock and ball torture, full penis split, and then a transcrotal with a 10-mill steel ring in it. Okay. Well, that's going to hold me up at the TSA. What is a transcrutals? And that's the only downside I can see. Right. Sir, did you remove your keys? I did. But I have two penises and I have a bicycle lock jammed through my scrotum. Yes, exactly. Could that be the problem, sir? Or instead of having a transcrotal so we can get rid of the metal, we could always insert an extra set of testicles into your scrote. You know what? Extra set.

That's being generous. I'd settle for a couple of babies. I'd take anything right now. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. So, so just so I'm clear, that would be a split penis. So I have two of those. And then the mechanism, the apparatus goes through both testicles.

Is that correct? So no, what happens is your scrotum is like this, right? Don't assume. Have you ever seen flora? Okay, so go ahead. So I'm sorry, I'm really trying to understand. So the, what happens to the scrotum? Yes, I understand.

And what... Imagine pushing your little eggs to the side. Yep. One each side, right? And then they clamp the skin and they basically drive a scalpel blade through the testicles. And then, you know, like the plugs that people have in their ears when they stretch the holes in their ears? It's essentially that. So you can have like a big stretched hole going through your scrotum.

But imagine like a big metal ring going like through it. Oh, I've imagined it. I'm going to tell you something this whole time that you were describing that, I am gripping my hands together. I just noticed it so tightly that there's no blood in my, I'm literally, this is what I'm doing. I'm gripping my hands together because when you say you shove the testicles to either side and then, did you have the same reaction, man?

Do you drive a, you basically take out a black and decker drill and you go at the, is it the taint of We talking about the taint? No, it's the scrotum. I don't even have testicles, and I was squirmy when Grace was describing what happened. I don't think I could, I don't see the purpose of a split penis. I just don't. Well, you're boring. And I feel like, I feel like I'm also boring.

Like, I didn't know we could do this to our bodies. Okay. And I think it's really cool that we can. No, no. A lot of this sounds really fascinating to me. I have no problem with it. I'm talking about me personally. So if in your single days, you got it on with a guy, you met a,

the clubs because you know you had a you played it fast and loose and um okay no no in a very good healthy empowering way but it's time to get to town uh the guy drops his pants and um suddenly his penis goes you know one goes east one goes west uh would you would you freak out and each one is going pick me pick me yeah can we rubber band it and then just insert it together or do they when they get erect i think i think grace was saying it just naturally comes together when it gets erect. You know what? I would want a series of clamps.

I would insist on a series of clamps, rubber bands, and the occasional use of Elmer's glue. I would maybe a gasket. But interestingly, before you answer that, let's make this a two-parter. So come back next time, and we can talk more about this with Grace.

Grace, you are the gift that keeps on giving. Do you mind staying on a little longer, Grace? Can you say on a little longer, Grace? Is that all right? Of course. Yeah, absolutely. I'm here as long as you need me. Conan O'Brien needs a fan

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