Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Jordan recalls a Limerick contest he entered as a young man before Conan buys a special product off of Jordan during Show and Tell. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

A modern day warrior, mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride. Okay well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, there's no other better way to say it, my nemesis, my foe, someone who over the years has irritated me. To an incredible degree, Mr. Jordan Schlansky. Hi.

Did you, is your microphone on? I'm not qualified to answer that question. It's not on. It's not on. It's not on. It's so funny. I just thought, wow, he really has no personality. I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again.

Say hi. Hi. You gotta leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you and I prefer it the other way. Okay. Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics. I'm not sorry.

We're also joined by Frank Smiley, That's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics. I'm not sorry. Uh. Uh. Uh. We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fist fight should break out. That's right. Uh, you know, Jordan, how many years have we been together?

Approximately 30. Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and fretted your life away. Sure. You have bilked me an incredible amount of money. I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was

on the old late night show or now. Did you say I've built you money or I've milked you? Bilt, bilked, bilked, B-I-L-K-E-D. As in Sergeant Bilko, as in bilked him, BILKED, BILKED, B-I-L-K-E-D, as in Sergeant Bilko, as in BILKED him, I took him for a ride, I squeezed him for cash. So BILKED is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money, I didn't help you build an empire.

No one said you'd built anything. You know how like the second employee of Apple in 1976 is a multi-billionaire, because they got in at a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future. They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows,

but they took the one that was on 13-week renewals. Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires. Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days, there were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough. And I expect at this point, 30 years later,

I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash. Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there any way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just- There's a controller, it's awful. Well, you had another guest in here at the same volume.

What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your other thigh. Why is the button, why is this goddamn, oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. I said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room?

Why didn't you put the switch? You know, speaking of Tracy Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes it's actually a soap, that is to say a saponified fat,

but often it's a detergent, which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin naturally. The problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin. Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview. You referenced it. I supported your train of thought. All I mentioned was Tracy Ellis Ross

was the previous person here. All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracy Ellis Ross interview. Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats.

Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid your salary. I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point,

but still stuck with you through thick and thin. So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late Night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire now. I'm saying Steve Jobs' secretary can buy this entire complex. Well, I prefer the term assistant. Yes. should be a billionaire now. I'm saying Steve Jobs' secretary can buy this entire complex. Well, I prefer the term assistant.

Yes. Do you say, hey, Stuartus, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts. At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary. Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my- Well, guess what?

This is your big reward. Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96, I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up.

Shut up. Kind of like a Trumpy voice. Shut up. You fired. You know that kind of Trump thing, you're fired, right? Isn't that a funny impression? I'm just saying that you're sitting here now, you are one half of a show that's on SXM

and you should be grateful for that. Yeah, I am. Do you see other interns that you started with? The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You're here with your own show on the SiriusXM dial. Okay. Okay? Yes. So just settle down.

Sure. Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting. Okay. You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening.

Because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest. That's true. Where you write a limerick. I wrote a limerick. I'm saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense.

I was talking about what you did do. And if I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context, I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the 90s. I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point. If I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest,

and at that time you wrote a limerick. I did. As part of the contest. You liked your limerick, and I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick. I did. As part of the contest. You liked your limerick and I remember thinking that's a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh yes. Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick,

it's a specific- No need. You can just say it. Across Eyre, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout. That's fantastic.

I think that's very good. I'm serious. Thank you. That is a very good, you entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize? Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland.

It was actually a pub. A pub. A pub in Ireland. You get to own a pub. Even better. And can you imagine owning a pub. A pub. A pub in Ireland. You get to own a pub. Even better. And can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there, owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing.

Right. It'd be fantastic, it'd be a dream. That's like having an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win. Is that correct? I was never notified about any development one way or the other. Well, I have the information here.

Okay. And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered. Somewhere around there. Guinness essay contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington. Of course. I think near the San Juan Islands. Yeah, the San Friday Harbor, of course my wife is from Washington. Of course, I think near the San Juan Islands.

Yeah, the San Juan Islands, of which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride. A great wine in Washington state, by the way. Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator, she entered the contest and she won the Shoneke Pub in County Claire.

She won a pub. Oh, well, there's a picture of someone. There she is. Oh yeah. She won the contest. Okay. That you failed to win. And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest

and she won. Okay. By the way, you didn't need to write a limerick. The contest was actually 50 words or less. I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless- No, no, this is the same year, 1996. I believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick.

There was definitely a limerick involved. Well, you chose to write a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness and they informed me that it was- It was your choice to do a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness and they informed me that it was. It was your choice to do a limerick and a limerick was not required. Listen to me, there's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings and they get wind of this and they talk to each other.

Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here. He was back here in the 90s and they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they asked Ron, was there a thing? And he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay.

And they look up the essay and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, you don't- I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't want to be confined to very few words. You are confused, you're not remembering correctly, which is probably a problem that you have in the job.

Listen to me, there is a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick. Frank, Frank. Do I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick? Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things and it's all encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this. Yes, I spoke to Guinness.

And you've talked to Guinness and they said that the contest that Jordan entered, it did not have to be a limerick. No, 50 words or less, Guinness is. Yeah, Guinness is and you decided to be a limerick. No, 50 words or less Guinness is. Yeah, Guinness is. And you decided to write a limerick. My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is.

I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing. They went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize. Nevertheless, it's the same intent. You write, you use your creative literary skills to- You're yelling. You're yelling.

You're yelling. Okay. You're yelling. And I don't want you to take it down. I want you to take it down a bit. I'm just saying I was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots. Okay. We are counterparts. Yeah. Maybe one year apart.

Okay. Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're gonna rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay. They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh. And here's how it goes.

There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious, still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin, Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness. And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy. And so Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is nice.

And I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do? It's important. I set this up. You did, yeah. By the way, your 30 year grudge has actually- You're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class and you're doing pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class

and you're doing that all wrong and it's making me insane. Anyway, that's okay. That's all right, I don't have a glass because you only look after number one. Oh, you have a glass, you just didn't want to share it with me, that's great. When I said that was all sarcastic, I don't really think it's right.

You know, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it. There are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way. And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself.

But I appreciate- I'm not gonna touch that line with a 30 foot pole. I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose. Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine, there's usually a harp on any Guinness glass

and you imagine on the first pour, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass and you go up to the harp and then you wait for the head to settle. Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience, but then you finish it up and I'll do that in just a minute. Jordan, you didn't win,

but we got our free Guinness, which is nice. And I think they just, if I'm not wrong, Guinness, we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes and we were each paid one can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid. So I'm not getting a trip to Ireland. How do you know why I haven't been paid off? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness

for a really long time, because there's gonna be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galilly on the coast of Golly-Bollolly. So I wouldn't put anything past him. Right. Nice. Creamy. Oh my God.

How come you're not drinking any gas? I told you I don't drink beer. And frankly, while you appreciate the sentiment. I see now why you lost the contest. As a beer hater, well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness, known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah. I once tasted something I hated

and then I knew I was fated. And then there's rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland. I certainly did not get a pub in Ireland.

I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink. And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return. I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this.

Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a pub. Yeah, I won a pub. That's so cool. Sounds a little bit like a headache though.

Not at all. No, no, no. There's no, never any problems in an Irish pub. All right. We're gonna take a little break. Okay. We'll come back with more of the Conan and Jordan show. And we're gonna have show and tell.

We're gonna have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting. Show and tell. Okay. I'm gonna show you why the way I go. I go, I go. We're friends, we're still in love. Hey, we're back.

I'm here with my cohost Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here. This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you. And you wanna show it to us? Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that I identify with or that I believe in.

Now, I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life I believe that we can live minimally, but the products that I do buy I want them to be of a very high quality I want to have something special about them and then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer now Life used to be simple 25 years ago Okay, if you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States you may have bought the Panasonic er 409 this is my own unit from about 25 years ago So this let me explain to the viewer you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay

And it's a Panasonic. Yeah, and this is from the 90s 2000s. Sure I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then, but this is a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan, of course, Panasonic's headquarters.

I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to. I simply trimmed my nose hair with that, and you can trim ear hair as well, if you choose. And that was the end of it. It was a successful operation. Yes. And then the... The operation was a success.

The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed due to its age. Nevertheless... If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.

Took out a tiny little gun and shot his brains out. Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at the same point? I'm sorry. So, uh, once you replace it, they can't. They can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns.

And every now and then in your house you're trying to sleep and you hear a tiny little shot. You go in and oh, my hairdryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.

Oh my God, my stomach hurts, my chest hurts. My whole body is falling apart. I'm sorry. Oh my God, my stomach hurts, my chest hurts. My whole body is falling apart. I'm sorry. I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them.

Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting. This looks- What? What are you talking about? This is oversized, it's light and plastic,

it looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism I actually replaced, this had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part, I replaced it- Wait a minute! You bought, how much did that cost? I don't know, $15. Okay, you buy a $15 nose trimmer,

and then you went to the trouble to replace the blade? Yeah, this was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. It looks like a rocket ship. It draws unnecessary attention to itself. It's a bright silver color.

This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. This one, it looked like- Well, that's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects. Well, one is silver and one is gray. We define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure. And it's not only putting on beautiful clothes,

it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well-made product. I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product. And when did this one commit suicide?

Yeah. You found this guy hanging. Unhappily with that product and when did this one commit suicide? You found this guy hanging So then I visited the country of Japan Uh-huh, and I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese clientele Oh, so they sell us the inferior one. The ER-GN10 and look how sleek and stylish this product is. This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced.

It's reminiscent of my old ER-409. This is from 25 years ago. This is from today. Why do you know the serial numbers? And since I was in Japan, I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares and then I found that on my second trip, they had come out with the ER, originally with the ER-GN10, then it came out with the ER-GN11. I bought two of those.

Hold on a second. let me see this. Look at the beautiful, just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products. Look at your eyes, you look insane. Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty? Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I mean, I just, I don't understand the logic of that,

but nevertheless. How many of these did you buy? I bought four of them. But the point is- Now, I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth. You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you,

you just buy whatever's available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What do you even use to trim your nose hair? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Little scissors. Oh your nose hair? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore? Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a second, why do you have to bring that up?

That's hurtful. I mean- What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ your hair and makeup person. What are you talking about? I still do big gigs, I still do live shows, of course. Okay, so you may contract one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not gonna take care of your nose hair on a regular basis. You use a stiffer-

I use little scissors. How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device like that? What are you talking about? My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day. There's gotta be over 100 individual hairs between those two nostrils. Shoot, are you telling me-

I use a little scissors. How long does that even take? And it's a little bit curved. Are you confident in the quality of your work? I just don't, I know that if I look in that nose right now and I show the light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing it.

Well, you know what I do? An efficient whisker removal. I make little, I'm like Edward Scissorhands, I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one. And I have a lizard in that. It's not often talked about. You have hair removal challenges.

You have shaving problems and you always have. I'll come in and I'll see cute patches of hair on your face. Isolated patches of hair. I don't know how, when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection. I'll come in one day, you've got like a little, you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your nose where your mustache would be. you've got like a little, you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your nose where your mustache would be.

You've got like a random, your neck a lot of times has like, you have shaving problems. And just acknowledge it. Say it, say it about my neck. You have shoved, you'll just have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position. Do you wanna know what the problem is? What's that?

Would you like me to tell you? Yeah. Okay, I get very bad, I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps. You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks better than a red neck? No, I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you shave it?

I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much and maybe I leave a stray hair and you know what? This is hurtful. No, this is not a stray hair. This is a clump of hair. Hurtful. I'm not concerned with individual hairs. Hurtful. This is hurt hair. This is a clump of hair hurtful I'm not concerned hurtful individual hairs hurtful

I'm just asking you hurtful you feel if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say Why do you have to ridicule? I'm not right you'll product you have the you have the means well I have to buy it you've got 15 in a bag you motherfucker Anyone why why you saying I have to buy one? I'm not giving you one of these. Yes, you are. I employ you. I don't have the resources you have. What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price.

You paid $8.00? I'll give you 16. This is priceless to me. I'm not gonna put a price tag on this. The ERGN- $100. If someone's doing something better than you, don't ridicule, just be like, I learned something.

I'll give you $100. Oh, it's Socrates. Oh, it's Caesar. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose than you would be eating RGN10. I'll give you $200. I'll give you $200.

Okay. Say yes! Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're gonna get that you made a huge profit on that. Give it to me right now. Do I have $200 on me? I might, I don't know if I do.

Maybe I do. I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when do, maybe I do. I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of this door I'm giving it back. You don't have to give it back. Do you want the ERGN10 or the GN11? What the difference is it? I'm not clear on what the difference is.

That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get. Well, what's the latest version? Oh, I don't know. I'm gonna guess if there's the ERGN10 and the ERGN11, I'm gonna guess maybe the ER the ERGN10 and the ERGN11, I'm gonna guess maybe the ERGN11 is more recent. Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme. If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal. I mean, these are just basic questions. I

don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair. Just give me everything you have. No. You think you have more than 200 in cash on you? Yeah, I go to strip clubs sometimes. I think that's, you were yelling at me and you upset me because you said that my face was all fucked up. And-

I'm just saying you have room for improvement. This is nothing to be ashamed about. This is something to embrace. I can help you improve. Okay, there's 100. Really, 200? What if we go- You offer 200.

I know, but what if I take it down a little bit now? No. I'll give you 100. Hold on, hold on. You want 200 seals the deal? Yeah. Okay, there it is. It's $200.

Okay, which one do you want? Why don't you choose? Do you want this one? No, I want one in a box, asshole. I don't want one that's been up your ass two hours ago. No, this is not what I use for my ass. Oh, what do you use for that? Listen.

What goes up there, seriously? We... What goes up the old bottom? I don't remove hair in that area. Why would you leave that there? Why? I don't have any problem with that hair. What do you mean? I have no problem with that area.

Why do one orifice and not just- This one is visible. Well. This one is, you know, displayed. Uh-huh. Yeah. I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take?

That takes a AA battery. I recommend an alkaline. Do we have a AA around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going. Well, I've got a AA in mind. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope. Yeah, I'll take the battery. I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.

It's okay. This is brand new. Now, you stick that up your nose, and if I hear a grinding sound... Hear that? Yeah, I hear if I hear a grinding sound. Hear that? Yeah, I hear it. Hear that? Yeah, if I hear a grind, you're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors.

That was all left behind. So that what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors. Not from what I'm hearing that. Oh my God. Each one of these blasts has like four hairs in it. What do you mean blast?

And it just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril. You have to move on to the left. So how often do you do this? You do this every day? Every Tuesday and Friday. I find it the most efficient days to remove hair. You know what?

I hope, I do hope you're murdered soon. This is a new nostril. Yeah, you haven't even gotten to your ears yet. Ears? Yeah, do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient? You know what, I have to say this is better. Yeah.

This is better than the scissors. And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device. And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now. Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this.

You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger like you said that you were better than me and that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you and you're a hobo. Look at you now. But you use it on, you said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer,

and now you're using it, look at you now, it's so small. You feel there's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before. That's not true. Or that's of any value to you. No, I've never heard. You think you're at a level, No, that's not true.

where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information. I remember when you had these personal trainers in the 90s, you had these guys like, No, that's not true. You're on a level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information. I remember when you had these personal trainers in the 90s, you had these guys like, oh no, this is Will Arnett's guy. Like you, and I started to give you nutrition advice. You're like, please, I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal trainer.

No, it was actually Will Arnett. Yeah. Will Arnett was training me. And I would see these protein powders in your office and they were like low quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles. And you're like, don't worry, I've got the best people in the business.

You let me eat incomplete amino acids? You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else. Jordan, if I wanted to demand the best in everything, explain your presence. I mean, seriously.

Who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN 11? No one else. What other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this? This cost me $200. Yeah, that's a lot. Well, you have to take into account

that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved. I brought it in to the country. I imported it. I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were cut out of the deal. You're right, you're right, you're right. All fair points.

And I am gonna use this and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ER-GN11, only available in Japan. You can't get this. If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it. Yeah, I just love that you have this sad little bag. I don't know, I just, I'm sorry.

Look, come on, don't stare at me with hate. It just, you have to admit you have a little bag and you're carrying it around and it's sad. I admit I have a bag with nose hair trimmer. These are cool. I mean, this is, you know, I'm gonna say something. These are nice. Now I'm gonna go home tonight and my wife expects me.

She's gonna notice your clean nose, I presume. And she, and not just today, but going forward. This device may last you many years. Does this also work on the ears? Yeah. Now be honest, have you used it on the ass? Be honest. No.

Have you used anything on the ass? No. Have you ever looked back there? Uh, not that I'm aware of. Not that I'm aware of. Well, I mean- Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.

I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to. Okay. It doesn't concern you. Have you? Have I what? Looked at your anus I guess is where you were going with this? That's a very personal question. Yeah. I was just asked of me so I'm familiar with the question. All right. Well I think this has been a very successful segment. Once again, Jordan has hoodwinked me. It's a good product.

Did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERG in 11? Yes, I will. So I'm determined to come out ahead. But I'm going to let it go for now.

But yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Oh, quick advice, where does the hair go? Does it go into- It goes into a chamber at the top, you'll have to clean that out from now. Well, guess what? Yeah.

That's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah. I could sell that. They sell lovises sweat, I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it. You know, there's somebody on the line right now.

Do you want to answer? Someone's been listening and they're on the line? Yes. That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting. What if I could sell my nose hair? What's patched through?

Hello, this is, I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, you there? Yeah. Oh, hey, how are you? I'm good. This is the highlight of my day. Well, I mean, day there? Yeah. Oh, hey, how are you? I'm good. This is the highlight of my day. Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but okay.

I'll take, you know what? I'm gonna take day. I'm not gonna get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been, I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils. And I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair. Is that something that you would ever consider?

I would consider it for a little bit of time. And then, I mean, maybe I could sell it and make some money off of it. I don't know. When you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond. And then you'd move- Yeah, it'd be pretty, Yeah, yeah. Pretty short

amount of time. Yeah, you know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. And I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie. What's your occupation? I'm a licensed psychologist and I work in a university counseling center.

Seriously? You are? Yeah. So this is good because I'm sitting here, I do this show occasionally with, I guess, I'm gonna call him a friend of mine, I don't know what the term is, Jordan Schlansky. Are you familiar with him at all? Yep, yeah. Okay.

People seem to know him, a lot of people stop me and ask me what's the deal with Jordan? And I wanna say that I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist? Yes. And so you're trained to understand the human psyche, the mind, behavioral patterns?

Yeah. You've probably done- Personality. Yeah. You've probably done- Personality. Personality. Tell me, and Jordan's here, you can say hello, Jordan. Hello, Stephanie. Yeah. What is your take on Jordan Schlansky?

Hello? I mean, that's a, yeah, no, it's just a pause because it's hard to- Oh, that was a pause? Oh my God, that's not a good sign. I thought we had, I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say?

That's stunning. That's correct. Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you have any questions for Jordan? Yeah, I've got a lot of questions. Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos.

Let's imagine you know Jordan, you've seen his videos and he walks into the office and let's get to it. I guess I'd be most interested to know what his biggest problems are in his life. Like what causes him distress? I'm pretty content to be honest with you. I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise. You know, basic human responses. We have fear and frightful situations and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction.

I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of the media. I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species. You're talking about homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically. Well, I feel content. I know my strengths and my weaknesses

and I know my characteristics and I'm quite content with them. You know, I know my limitations and my- I'm quite familiar with your limitations. What I wanna say, Jordan, is that you are not, you say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough

out of the Conan O'Brien experience? Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years, financially and otherwise, is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically. I am introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And certainly a psychologist would likely read that right away. INTP, if you're a fan of the Myers-Briggs classification system. Not a fan of that book.

Excuse me, I'm gonna let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance. Well, my other question, so sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress, but it's that the other people around you are in distress. So that would be my kind of other question is, how do most people kind of respond to you?

Yeah, it's a good question. That is a good question. Um, I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand? I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them with, with, you know, a few outlying responses, but, um, I get very different responses from those around them, with a few outlying responses. But I get very different responses from different people. I find some people despise me, and I find...

But I find that an equal, if not more, number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response. But mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other.

So you're saying, so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy, 40% of people despise you. I said equal. 40% are fine with you. And then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound Stephanie to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?

Oh no, it doesn't sound normal. Well, I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list. I think that comes across. Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person, and in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me.

Of course, there are a few exceptions, inevitable. That's just attrition, as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person. I try to improve the world around me and my limited time here on this earth. But of course I don't hit it out of the park every single time.

And you know, some people are easy to read and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people when faced with that kind of blank slate are finding it off-putting and intimidating in a way. And I understand that and respect that. Stephanie, let me ask you quickly.

And you're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan, a lot of words, a lot of sing-songy cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing too?

I mean, from listening to the podcast and your other interactions, his interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you. I don't, I mean. So you're saying that maybe I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying. The other option too is sometimes people,

when they feel like they're being assessed, they kind of show the best of themselves, you know, and kind of want to be seen in a certain way and kind of do that like, they kind of manage their public image more. Right, right. Yes, it's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant,

saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you, what a lovely jail, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie? That's exactly what I was saying, yeah. Okay, well listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation, and I am different depending on who I'm talking to and I do

Have many sides of my personality and I truly maintain that they're all genuine sides and the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect subdivision of my personality and it is true that you Consistently, I'm gesturing to my co-host Conan, evokes a certain response from me, whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me. So what does Conan bring out of you? Yeah, good question. Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy.

Some may even say polar opposite to my own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others. And I'm exactly the opposite. And you know, Conan, we are the same species, homo sapiens, but our minds are wired so very differently, it's hard to believe we're the same species.

And when I watch him, and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general. Sure, as all aliens do when they visit. When I watch him and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general as all aliens do when they visit when I watch him and how his mind works I marvel at it because in addition to his many talents his many tangible talents I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine he he will go out of his way if we're on an airplane sitting across the aisle to get my attention to yell yell across the aisle, and I turn his way and expect he's gonna have some great witty quip, and he just makes a ridiculous face at me.

And that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get, and I'm thinking I would never, I could have the best joke or observation in the world, I would never take that step. I did do that recently, Stephanie. He was sitting way across from me on an airplane flight, and I yelled across, we were on a shooting a travel show,

and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane, just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face and it was just had no expression. It was lifeless. It was a mask. And I had to-

I mean, I was sitting on an airplane. What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting watching the hours go by. I think American Airlines deserve more. They do a good job and you could have given them something. And so I needed to, the pond was too placid and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings.

Do you understand that, Stephanie? But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond. That's what you're missing here. You always need movement, but sometimes the silence is where the magic is, the stillness. There was no magic. I just saw a weird face across the aisle wearing the same T-shirt you always wear,

staring straight ahead. And it was annoying. Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can't. Go ahead. Okay, well, I had a question for you, Conan, which is you said you try to explain Jordan to people. What's your like shorthand description of him?

I usually say we think it's a childhood accident. Okay. That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to, they just nod and go, yeah. You know, and I say, I don't really know what it was, if it was a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back. And it took out some-

Some kind of traumatic brain injury. Yeah, yeah. You know those X-rays you see where there's a skull and there's the giant spike going right through it, but they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer. That's, I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, and he's a practicing lawyer. That's, I'm always guessing that

it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there, but because someone in a Ford F-150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think? Okay, while I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities,

who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that your own personality is superior. Oh, that would be me. I'm sorry. And mine's detrimental. It's the Conan and Jordan show and it's on the Conan channel. Okay. So I guess that would make me the judge. It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit

and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice, who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice. Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you and who's superior. You're certainly an exceptional human being. No question about it. Thank you. Thank you.

And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different and I don't disagree. However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier, and I don't know that we need to have that competition. Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him? Yeah. I think Conan is better than you. What else do you want me to say?

I love that that's coming from, oh my God. So that settles it. That settles it. Thank you very much. Stephanie, you're a wonderful person, and thank you, thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question. And that's science, that's real science right there.

Clearly. That I am better than you. And Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you. Thanks. Bye-bye. Bye.

She was lovely. She was. I liked her. And also I think she, she nailed it. I think she just really nailed it. The convoluted premise that you used to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro?

Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify? We didn't know it was a psychologist. Yeah, we didn't know. It was an accident that was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart and deduced that you are the monstrous freak that you are.

Hey, that's all the time we have for now. And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore, so I'm gonna wrap this up. That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan show. I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things.

And then a pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses. Clearly a sound psychological opinion. We'll see you next time. The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Groose.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista and Rick Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco Hotline, 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already,

please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on SiriusXM.