Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Gossip Girl of Thames New Zealand

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Conan chats with Amalia from Thames, New Zealand about living in a small town and Conan running said town. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoCo.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Molly, I'm eat Conan and Sonna. Hi, oh my god. Hey, is it Amalia? Is that how I say your name?

It is perfect, yeah. Okay, sometimes people say Amelia, but you say Amalia. Is that correct? Yes. Yeah. My parents found it in a book. Um, it was Napoleon Bonaparte's sister's name or something. I'm looking it up now and no, it wasn't. I think your parents were just playing a cruise like on you. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, my dad got licked up and came back with a joke book and I was joking. There was a Conan in there. That's how I ended up with my name.

So who knows? The important thing is, where are you coming from right now? Where are you in this spinning blue marble we call Earth? I'm in New Zealand. Oh, you're in New Zealand. Oh, incredible. Yeah. That's cool.

Are you a regular listener to the podcast? I am. Yeah. Okay. That's very nice. No, I always love it when we reach out to people in far flung corners of the globe. And tell me a little bit about your life. What do you do Amelia? What part of New Zealand are you in first of all? I'm sorry, Amalia. What part of New Zealand are you in first of all? I'm sorry, Amalia. Can I just call you Susie? Is that okay? You all right, it was Susie. All right, Susie.

And you say you're from the Bronx, okay. No, Amalia, which part of New Zealand are you from? So I'm in a town called Tim's. It is a small town and I'm 20 minutes away from there and a smaller town called Carapaghi. Wait, your town is called Tim. Tim's? Tim's? Yeah.

Tim's T-H-A-M-E-S. Okay, all right, Tim's. Oh, I see. I thought it was Tim and it was near the town of Bruce. About 10 kilometers from David, 15 miles south of Jesse. So Tim's New Zealand and it's a very small town. How many people you say? About 400. 400. You know, I've always thought there'd be no privacy in a town of 400 people. Well, the kind of isn't. You do have to be careful what you talk about because it goes around. So you can't badmouth someone else in town

because they're going to hear it. Yeah, pretty much. Uh-huh. Unless you're ready for like a fist fight. Oh, have you been in many fist fights, Amalia? No, no, I haven't. All right, well, I think that would be a problem because I like to trash talk people. I like to talk badly about people behind their back. For me, it's a sport, it's fun. The problem is I'm a physical coward.

So that would be a problem if I lived in Tim's because I would probably say mean things about people. Like, oh, look at those shoes. You know, you find them in a dumpster. That's your idea of a mean thing to say about someone? Yeah, those shoes look like they have a high arch. What's his deal, you know? And then-

I think you'd be okay. You've got to set us. No. I don't know, Brian. I think that rolled out a red carpet for you. I think you'd be the town gossip for sure Yeah, I would be the I would be the town gossip. Yeah, I'd be the gossip girl of Tim's New Zealand Probably start rumors just to watch other people fight. Yes. I would try and get other people to fight each other. I'd say I'd say hey Joe is there a guy named Joe in your town?

There is, I love this one. There you go. No! I'd say, and give me another name of someone who lives in the town. My boyfriend, Emmett. Okay, I'd say, hey, Joe, I didn't think it was cool when Emmett said about you. And he'd be like, what did he say about me? And I'd say, I don't think it was cool when Emmett said about you. And he'd be like, what did he say about me?

And I'd say, I don't know. He said that, I don't know, your shoe has a high arch. And then Emmett would say, I never said that. And then I'd say to Emmett, well, you should hear what Joe's been saying about you, Emmett. And I would end with both of them fighting in the town square. Is there a town square? I know.

It's just a main street. Well, listen, every main street has a town square. So the first thing I would do if I got to towns is I would organize where a town square would be and I would build it. I would build you a town square. Out of Lego. Probably the right size.

Did you say Lego or liquor? Well, liquor would be more fun, but I did Lego. Probably the right size. Did you say Lego or liquor? Well, liquor would be more fun, but I did Lego. Well, enough liquor and you're building a lot of stuff out of Legos. Yes, I will do that. I will, that's what I would do. I would be obsessed if I lived in Thames. I would be obsessed with their being a town square. You need a town square.

You know, they had one on Gilmore Girls, and it's where everybody gathered. With like a gazebo. Like a gazebo. You need a gazebo, you know what a gazebo is, right? You need a gazebo. Like on gossip girl, no I'm sorry, gossip girl, I'm not gossip girl.

Like on Gilmore Girls, they all sound the same. Two G's. But you need to have a town square. It has to have a gazebo. It has to have little lights. People have to be wandering around in the town square. And that's where things get settled. Don't you think that would be a good idea for Tim's?

That would be great. We could just start like an underground fighting ring at the gazebo. Yeah, well, I don't know why you, I don't know why you went there. I never suggested that we start a fight club underneath the gazebo, but okay. We're going to do that now, I suppose. Okay, so tell me a little bit about your life. What do you do?

So I'm a customer service agent for a Telco company in New Zealand. I started out in a call center and now I'm doing their social media pages. Wait a minute, Amalia, are you at work right now? No. Oh yes you are. I did work from home. No, but I have a job. You're totally at work. You're totally working and you said I'll just put this idiot on hold and I'll

call Conan O'Brien and see if he's willing to fund a fight club underneath the gazebo in touch. Is that what you're doing right now? You're working. You're totally working. There's someone waiting on hold right now listening to Incipit Music while you come up with this scheme. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wow. You're easy to, that was an easy confession. It really was, too easy. All right, so, and you have a boyfriend. I do, yes.

Let me ask about him because you need my approval. If this relationship is going to continue, well, Tontra, they give me as kind of a father figure to Amalia. Not at all, not are you just met her like five minutes ago. David, don't you think I'm kind of a father figure? No. Eduardo, father figure? No way. Okay. Getting a lot of nose here. Amalia, what do you think? Am I kind of a father figure? Yep. And I think you know. Fighting underground. Okay, good. Well anyway, how long have you two been going out?

ground. Okay good. Well anyway how long have you two been going out? About ten years. Oh my goodness. Oh my god. Well okay. All right. Well I don't know if there are any plans moving forward but that's your business not mine. I wish you nothing but the best. You crazy young people, Yook. Thank you very much. Yeah, I would think, I mean, if I lived in Thames, I'm a guy that likes to have various affairs on the side. That would be very hard for me because if there's only 400 people, I think Word would get out. Yeah. You know me, I'm kind of a lofario. Yeah, you would plow your way's only 400 people I think word would get out. Yeah. You know me I'm kind of a lofario. Yeah you would plow your way through all 400 people.

Yeah okay. It'll be related to so you'd just be like recycling those kind of things. Well that's pretty much what I come from so. Oh I do. Well I do. We pretty much come from I come from the Thames of Massachusetts. We just live there for like 200 years and look what happened. We've all got super long limbs and we can see in the dark. What do you enjoy in life, Amalia? What do you like to do?

What kind of movies do you like? I love horror movies. That's probably my favorite. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like to have a favorite horror movie? I love all the 80s and 90s, like the style film. Very good. Scream. I like it every time I like it when they open a refrigerator door and they come into the kitchen, they look around, there's I like it when they open a refrigerator door and they come into the kitchen they look around there's no one there they open their refrigerator door and then when they close it the killers right there you know and it always makes me think that the monster of the killer was just also waiting to get something at the refrigerator yeah they're not there to scare you they're just also just waiting their turn to get the orange juice or like hey, that's my yogurt, you know

Someone says who's there? What are they expecting someone to say I am here monster Monster I am here. I be monster. It's the worst. I also be on Sesame Street What what villain? I also be on Sesame Street. Is the worst horror movie villain. What horror movie monster or villain are you least afraid of? Who do you think you could, if you were up against any villain, which one would you want to go up against? It would be Chuckie off child's play, because he's tiny. Well, excuse me, first of all, have you seen pictures of me when I was five?

I'm the spitting image of Chuckie. Yeah, and I also murdered with abandon. So you think Chuckie, you know what, my choice would be leprechaun. You're a kid? Yeah, well leprechaun because A, he's very small. And B, we're kind of related. So I don't, I think if he started to try and kill me,

I'd say, hey, isn't that funny about Shamus? And then we would start talking within a second we'd find people we were related to. And we'd be getting along. Yes. Oh. Wow, I just, yeah.

Totally. I'm sorry, I'm still really nervous. No, I totally, no, I know it wasn't. I totally bond with you over 9,000 miles. And I totally swung and missed. And then it was the pain. It was a silence that echoed over 9,000 or 12,000 miles. That was a really long, it felt really long for me.

I can't imagine what it felt like for you because you said it and then that silence followed it. Yes, and then Amalia, the worst part was after a long silence if you just staring at the screen, you went, no, that was funny. It's really long to work. And you said it like a doctor saying, I'm sorry, he's dead. You said it like a different and you said it like a doctor saying I'm sorry. He's dead

Exactly the way you said No, no, no, well you shouldn't be nervous. We're just regular folk Just like anyone else you'd bump into in temps only I reach billions of people around the globe And I can build a town square with my own hands! Um, well you sound like a very fun person, does your boyfriend like going to these horror movies as well? No, he hates them, but I've got two friends that really love them, so we'll always go and see them together. Oh, is there a movie theater in town, can I ask? Um, no, it's shut down because of COVID. so we'll always go and see them together. Oh, is there a movie theater in town? Can I ask? No, it's shut down because of COVID. Oh, okay.

So where do you have to go to another town like William or Steven? Maybe Jeremy? No, Auckland City. Oh, I've heard of Auckland. Yes. Okay, so you drive to Auckland. And yeah, they should reopen your theater. That's another thing I got to take care of

Oh, you're gonna do a lot to do. Okay, maybe I'll do a show at the theater I need for run for council Run for council. I'm not gonna run for council. No, I'm just gonna say I'm on I'm heading the council I'm not gonna run for council. I just come and take over. Yeah, I don't have time to run I could probably get everybody in one phone booth and say, hey, guess what? I'm running phone booth. David doesn't even know what I'm talking about. David, we have two phone booths. David, phone booths. Phone booths, who are they used to hand out cell phones. So, wow, okay. And what's the hot gossip in town before I let you go? What's the hot gossip? There isn't really a lot of gossip, but everyone's really pissed off about the rubbish.

The rubbish? I know. So I've decided that they need to change the way our rubbish is picked up every week and it is just chaos. I don't understand. Cris is in crisis. How hard could this be? You're at sound of 400 people. You can't be generating that much rubbish. Oh yeah, and it's just crazy. Like they want a rubbish bin for every type of rubbish that there is.

And it comes at different times on different weeks and yeah, it's crazy. So we really do need you to come over here and sort it out. Yeah, it sounds like that sounds like a really fun challenge. Can't wait to fly for 77 hours, get off the plane and then hash it out with the rubbish man about the bins and the pickup. But look, it's a labor of love. That's why I do it. Well, you sound like a very nice person, Amalia. And...

Thank you. Yeah, and I hope you realize now that it's easy to talk to. We're very easy to talk to. Yeah, we have, I think, what do you mean? Yeah, we're very easy to talk to. Well, she said she was a little nervous, and then I thought... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're very easy to talk to. Yeah, we have, I think, what do you mean? Yeah, we're very easy to talk to. Well, she said she was a little nervous, and then I thought, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're very easy to talk to.

I think you could figure out very quickly that we're just like a bunch of idiots. Yeah, fools. We're really just fools. Yeah. Are you really gonna fix her little town? I might, you know, we have to, you know, I have to weigh these decisions.

Yeah. My time is precious. The rubbish, the movie theater, and fight club. And the gazebo. I have to bring a gazebo. I have to weigh these decisions. Yeah. My time is precious. The rubbish, the movie theater, and fight club. And the gazebo. I have to bring a gazebo. I have to be a town square. Yeah. And I also need to get two people are to bitterly hate each other

in town by spreading malicious gossip. So, yeah, my work's cut out for me. We're gonna be rich. Gonna make lots of money. Wait, how do I, wait a minute. Amalia, how does, we haven't mentioned one of these schemes is a money making scheme. Yeah, what are you talking about? You wait, I'm gonna be in the news for starting this fight club in a little bit. Oh, the fight club's gonna

be. No one gets, have you watched the movie fight club recently? Nobody gets rich. Yeah. But nobody talks about it. That's probably where they went. Oh, they didn't advertise. You're right. The number one rule is you don't talk about it. So you're saying this is a fight club that everyone talks about and then we monetize it on the web.

We sell advertising. Yeah. It's guys beating the shit out of each other in an underground gazebo and they're ball-waring shirts that say, you know, buy pies at Mr. Pie, you know? Sponsorship. Sponsorship, yeah. Get your corn at Mr. Corn.

I'm not good at telling up with these slogans. Listen, this petered out terribly, but they'll fix that in editing. No. Amalia, I like you and I'm so glad that you reached out to us. You seem like a nice person. This is a dream come true.

This is probably the biggest thing that's going to happen to me in my life. And probably the proudest I'm going to make my parents. So thank you very much. Amalia, no, no. Many, many, much better things are going to happen to you. I promise. This is, this is, we've set the bar pretty low here.

But I think your parents should be proud of you already, and I think many cool things are coming your way. Trust me, okay? Thank you very much. All right, you take care, Amalia. Bye-bye. Thank you guys. See you later. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Themesong by the White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jimmy Vino, Take It Away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent

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